The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air S5E7 Script

Father Knows Best (1994)

GEOFFREY: Mail call.

- Wall Street Journal for Master Carlton. Thank you, Geoffrey.

A statement from The Bank of Bel-Air for Miss Ashley.

And a plain brown package for me.

I'll be taking my break now.

Bank of Bel-Air?

Yeah. Well, bye.

WILL: See you later, Ash.

Something's afoot.

And something's a foot and a half.

I'm talking about Ashley.

I know where every penny of this family's money is.

And none of it is in the Bank of Bel-Air. So?

So, obviously, Ashley's hoarding money. And I know why.

She's amassing a private fortune so she can buy out the family business... in a hostile takeover.

A sweater and a string of pearls and you'd be Angela Lansbury.

[SINGING "THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR" THEME]


[CRASH IN DISTANCE]

ASHLEY: Ouch! Shoot!

Ashley, what are you doing?

Changing for school.

See, um...

Today is, uh, casual day.

Well, uh, that sounds like the, uh, truth.

Actually, Will, I've been keeping a secret.

Lf I don't tell someone, I'm gonna explode. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't tell me.

If I know, I can't say I don't know when you get busted... and Uncle Phil start rounding up the usual suspects.

And I am the usual suspects.

I dropped out of Bel-Air Academy.

I've been going to public school since the beginning of the semester.

I didn't hear that.

I said I dropped out. I heard what you said, Ashley.

Ash, what are you...? How can you do that?

It was easy. I forged all the papers... took Daddy's tuition money and put it in an interest-bearing account.

Pretty good, huh?

You're tripping? No, no... No, no.

You're worse than tripping. You've fallen and you can't get up.

And he will find out.

And when he does, he's going to ground you into dust.

Will, you don't understand.

Everything's so fake at Bel-Air Academy.

The teachers, the kids, the noses.

I can't take it anymore.

Please don't tell Daddy.

[SIGHS]

I ain't gonna dime you... but if he subpoenas me, I'm gonna be singing like Luther.

[TYPING ON KEYBOARD]

I'm in. Ha-ha-ha.

Will, come here.

Okay.

"Bank of Bel-Air"?

How did you tap into those records?

Well, I overrode the configuration files and deleted the encrypted password.

Goodness.

[IMITATING ANNOUNCER] It's Hack Boy, the stubby-fingered avenger.

Go ahead and joke.

But sometimes you have to go around the law to expose the greater evil.

Ashley's hiding $10,000. Now, where did she get that kind of money?

Maybe she's Counterfeit Girl, the sister of Hack Boy.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Look, it's none of your business. Why don't you just butt out?

Oh, I see.

She's already gotten to you.

Trust no one.

Will, I don't get it.

My producer told me that I'm losing my black audience.

I don't see why, Hil. I mean, you got the best talk show on TV.

You really think so? Well, what was your favorite topic?

Uh... Uh, the one with the, uh...

Dysfunctional, uh, single parent, uh, gang member nuns.

Hil, I've never actually seen one of your shows.

Will. Look, listen, Hilary, I'm sorry.

You need to do some stuff that reaches out to your brothers and sisters.

Why? What have Carlton and Ashley ever done for me?

Whoa, if it isn't Belly D. Williams.

Just kidding. You look great. Where you all going?

Fundraiser at the museum.

Do I hate these things. Why agree to be on the Board of Trustees?

Well, I'm a judge and judges are supposed to be on boards.

Well, it's just that with you, it's usually a smorgasbord.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

PHIL: Hi, baby. VIVIAN: Hi, honey.

Will, I need to talk to you.

ASHLEY: Bye.

[IN A FEMALE VOICE] It's girl talk.

Will, my homeroom teacher insists on meeting my parents.

I've already canceled five times. She wants to see someone tonight.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] You're just gonna have to come clean with Uncle Phil.

I can't. I'm waiting for the right time. And when is that?

When we go shopping for my cap and gown.

That's assuming that you're gonna live till graduation.

[ASHLEY SIGHS]

Will, I need your help.

Ashley, let me sum this up for you in two words:

Unh-unh.

You know, I didn't want to have to say this.

But it's your fault I'm in this mess.

My fault?

Oh, this one here gonna be good.

Before you showed up, I was leading a nice, sheltered existence.

But you made me see there was a whole world beyond Bel-Air... filled with people who take public transportation and don't have butlers.

I like that world.

It's like a drug, Will, and you got me hooked.

Well, you better go cold turkey before you wind up a dead duck.

Will. Ashley, no.

Now, I'm sorry that you got yourself into this little predicament.

But trying to blame it on me, now, that's just low.

You're right.

I can't believe I said that.

You've always been so good to me.

I'm just so desperate.

I'm a terrible, terrible person.

[SOBBING]

No... No, no.

Look, don't cry, Ashley. Come on. Come on, all right.

We'll figure a way out of this, all right?

Thanks, Will.

You're a saint.

WILL: Wait.

What was that?

What?

You smiled. I saw your reflection in the window.

Oh, no. That was a happy smile. See?

I don't believe I fell for them tears.

Girl, you're on your own. All right, fine!

Be that way!

But if I go down, I'm taking you with me.

Ashley.

I didn't do nothing.

SHARPE: You wanna call your parents and see what happened?

No. Maybe we should reschedule again.

Ashley.

Is there something you wanna tell me?

Miss Sharpe... the truth is I... [IN DEEP VOICE] Ashley.

There's my little bran muffin.

Oh. Is this your father?

Sure. Heh.

Miss Sharpe, this is, uh, Daddy.

WILL: Mm.

How could something so smooth be called sharp?

Yes. Well, nice to finally meet you, Mr. Banks.

Rhaul, please.

[SHARPE GIGGLES]

Rhaul.

Oh, and welcome back from the Orient.

[SPEAKS IN JAPANESE]

God bless you, Miss Sharpe.

It is Miss Sharpe, isn't it?

Yes, it is. WILL: Mm.

You're a fine teacher, Miss Sharpe.

Hey, I bet you could teach me a thing or two...

[GRUNTS]

On the academic side, I mean.

Well, will Mrs. Banks be joining us?

Uh, no, I'm single. I mean, um, Ashley's mother ran out on us.

Ashley was but a mere tyke at the time.

I had to be both Mommy and Daddy.

We went from training wheels to training bras.

They both came off too soon, didn't they kitten? Ha-ha-ha.

Well, anyway, about Ashley's schoolwork. You should be very proud of her.

She does excellent work. She participates actively in class... and she's just a pleasure to have around.

You know, that runs in the family.

Yes. Well. Ahem.

Do you have any questions?

No. Not a one.

Well, thank you for your time. What do you say... we have the next meeting at my place, huh?

Well, I don't know. L... Thanks for being so understanding.

Come on, Daddy. It's time for your pill.

[ASHLEY SIGHS]

It's a miracle this whole thing worked.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] What you talking about, girl?

Denzel ain't the only brother than can act.

Well, at least this buys me some time before I have to break the news to Daddy.

Well, I have to get my history books. You stay right here, Rhaul.

I made that up.

Mr. Banks, did you forget something? Uh, you know, I'm glad you asked.

I, uh, forgot to give you the number to my direct line.

Look, I'm very flattered, but... You know... that is an absolutely intoxicating fragrance that you're wearing.

Uh... Come closer.

Hey.

That's a fake mustache.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

No, it's not.

Look, I don't know who you are, but I'm calling your real parents right now.

Will?

No, it's not.

ASHLEY: Miss Sharpe.

It's not.

You just had to go back.

We were out the door, Will. We were free. Free!

Look, ease up, Miss Tubman.

Miss Sharpe gave us the weekend to break it to Uncle Phil.

Now, let's go over this evil twin story again.

[ASHLEY SIGHS]

I'm sure the mayor's mother meant it as a compliment.

Oh, really?

Then I should be honored that she thinks I look like a black Alfred Hitchcock.

Hi, kids.

[IMITATING HITCHCOCK] Good evening.

Wow. Good night.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Ashley. Ashley.

[BOTH MOUTHING]

Okay.

Mom, Dad, it's like this.

Will has something he wants to tell you. I ain't got nothing.

Um... Your Honor, uh... now, before you deliver your verdict... the defense dictates that you sustain the motion of the ocean.

Because most parents want the truth, but they can't handle the truth.

So in conclusion, I move for a change of venue.

You give us a half-hour head start. What the hell are you talking about?

Daddy, I withdrew from Bel-Air Academy six weeks ago... and transferred to Morris High.

You what?

I'm not mad.

You're not?

And you thought he was gonna be mad.

Well, you transferred out, you'll transfer back.

Tomorrow when I wake up...

Ashley will be back in Bel-Air Academy and maybe Will won't even be here.

Daddy, I'm not going back.

Now I'm mad.

You knew about this. ASHLEY: No.

Will didn't do anything wrong.

That's right, you tell him. If anything, I should thank Will.

He's the whole reason I transferred. Whoa, whoa.

Pull it back, baby. Pull it back.

Like I'm doing. Pull it back.

Daddy, Will made me realize how limited my life has been.

I wanna be with real people with real concerns.

Oh, and people in Bel-Air don't have real concerns?

It's pronounced Porsche. HILARY: Porsche.

Porsche. Porsche.

Ashley, honey, you lied to us. I knew you'd say no.

But, honey, we just want you to have the best education possible.

Mom, Bel-Air Academy doesn't equal better. You and Dad both went to public schools.

Whoa, good point, Ash.

Can't we at least discuss this? I believe we just did.

San Tropez. San Tropez.

Will, I took your advice and reached out to our brothers and sisters. Heh.

Look at this.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hello and welcome to Hilary.

As an African American woman...

I'd like to dedicate this show to all my sisters.

Presenting fashions from the motherland.

[AFRICAN MUSIC PLAYING]

Inga is wearing a hand-woven dashiki from Nairobi.

Her jewelry is from the Ivory Coast... and her weave is from Whoopi Goldberg's House of Hair.

Work it, you Nubian princess, you. Ha, ha.

Our next model is Buffie.

Um, Hil, I just... I... I really wanna commend... your attempt to reach out to your African American viewers... but you forgot one thing. What?

African Americans.

Oh.

Carlton, she went to private school, didn't she?

Touché.

But there's a bigger issue here.

People talk.

What if an admissions officer at Princeton found out... my sister was going to public school? I mean, my God.

ASHLEY: Daddy, I'd like you to meet someone.

This is Miss Sharpe. She's my homeroom teacher at Morris High.

Miss Sharpe, this is my father. The real one.

Thanks, Ashley.

Pleased to meet you. Same here.

Why don't you have a seat? Thank you.

I thought if we met I could allay any concerns you might have.

Well, Miss Sharpe... you made quite an impression upon my daughter.

But, with all due respect, I am thoroughly satisfied... with the education Ashley is receiving at Bel-Air Academy.

Perhaps you're not aware of Morris High's academic achievements.

I don't doubt that Morris High is a fine institution... but I've already made my decision.

I'm sorry to hear that.

One of the things I've admired about Ashley is her open mind.

Well, she gets that from her mother. Ha-ha-ha.

Uncle Phil, the phone... Ooh.

Hey, listen, man. I can explain everything. Look, I was dizzy, then I came... I was...

Uh, you must be Will.

I'm Miss Sharpe.

Oh, nice to meet you for the first time ever in life.

Hey, you know, Uncle Phil, that's the first time I ever met her in life.

Mr. Banks, we were profiled here in Education Today.

Maybe if you read it, you'll reconsider.

Nice to meet you.

Sorry you had to drive out here for nothing.

Yeah. Bye. WILL: Bye.

Nice to meet you for the first time ever in life.

Whoo. She really something, huh? Hard to say no to her.

Not if you're a parent. Ahem.

Hey, come on, Uncle Phil. Be reasonable. When's the last time a teacher... from Bel-Air Academy came to the house?

Look, the girl went and changed schools behind my back.

Now, in this house, that constitutes a capital crime.

But she had a good reason.

Look, my wife's nephew.

I want Ashley in Bel-Air Academy where there's a controlled environment.

I know who's there. But, more importantly, I know who's not.

Listen, I'm telling you.

I went to both public and private schools... and I'm saying in public school, it's more different kinds of people.

In Bel-Air Academy, everybody cut from the same mold.

If you ask me, you acting like a...

Snob.

I'm gonna just go.

And a one and a... Hell with that.

ANNOUNCER: The forecast for the... Philip, look here.

Morris High School is fourth in the country among magnet schools.

Magnet schools? Maybe that's why they need metal detectors, huh? Ha-ha-ha.

This is important. Don't make jokes. Vivian, we've made our decision.

We? No, you've made a decision.

I'm a college professor. You didn't even ask my opinion.

Didn't I? I'm sure I did.

I'm sorry, honey. What do you think?

I think we should at least consider it.

Sometimes I think we work so hard to give our kids what we didn't have... sometimes we forget to give them what we did have.

Good morning, Will. WILL: Hey, good morning, Uncle Phil.

Good morning, Ashley. ASHLEY: Good morning.

What are you eating?

Food.

What are you doing?

Cutting the tension.

Good morning, everyone.

Hey, Hil.

So, what's today's black topic? Amish rap stars?

I'm through chasing one specific demographic.

Thanks to my leopard skin midriff top, I hit an all-time high with male viewers.

I got more men yesterday than Sally Jesse Raphael gets in a year.

How hard could that be?

PHIL: Where are you going? School.

Since when do you wear a uniform to public school?

What are you talking about?

Your mother and I had a long talk last night.

I called Miss Sharpe and made an appointment to check it out.

Now, if I'm satisfied with what I see, you can give it a shot for a semester.

Oh, Daddy, thank you.

We're gonna be late. Go change. Okay.

Oh, Uncle Phil, thank you.