The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air S5E9 Script

Love Hurts (1994)

[LISA CHUCKLES]

Oh, Casablanca always makes me cry.

Oh, good. I thought it was me.

No. Will, I really had a good time tonight.

Yeah, me too.

Look, um, Lisa, don't take this the wrong way.

What?

Can I...?

Can I see you...?

Can you see me what?

Can I see you... again?

[CHUCKLES]

You want another date?

Sure. Cool. Phew.

You know, I ain't talking about marriage or nothing, though.


Thanks, Daddy. You're welcome, sweetheart.

Everybody clear about their duties at the carnival?

Yes. I'll be manning the "guess your birthday" booth.

Oh, do me, do me.

Hilary, you're August 18th.

Wow, you are good.

CARLTON: Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Step right up. Step right up.

Come see the amazing Rock Dwarfsky... the world's shortest square-headed Negro.

CARLTON: Hey.

Someone to see you, Master William.

It's a girl. Heh, heh.

Hey, Lisa, what's up, baby? What you doing here?

You left your book at the library.

What was he doing there?

Lisa, this is my family.

Family, this is my Lisa.

Hi. ALL: Hi.

Would you like some breakfast? Oh, no, I have to run to work.

But it was nice to meet you all.

PHIL: Same here. HILARY: Nice meeting you.

ASHLEY: Bye-bye. Hey, so...

We gonna hook up at the bowling alley? Oh, yeah.

All right. All right.

See you later. All right.

What?

I've seen this look before. The facial flush, the flare in his nostrils.

Look at his eyes.

All right. Well, I'm saying, yeah, you know, I like her.

Will has a girlfriend, Will has a girlfriend.

We choose not to define our relationship.

Well, whatever. Lisa has it all.

Intelligence, great dresser, nice body.

God, I'm lonely.

I wonder why you don't see a lot of black professional bowlers.

Ain't no money in it. Look... how much dough could a brother make endorsing a pair of these?

It'd be like, "Hi, I'm Darnell Washington, pro bowler.

Whenever I'm about to roll me a 300 game, I like to do it in these.

Air Ghettos."

Will, you are so silly. Well, you know, I try.

Come here, let me help you with that.

Not too tight.

Ladies first.

Okay. Let's do this.

[IN NASALLY VOICE] Lisa Wilkes is about to step up to the lane.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Your form look good from here.

Whoo! A strike. I'm in the house. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey.

Girl, you just won yourself a date to a carnival with an ebony god.

Really?

I'd rather go with you. Ha-ha-ha.

Look out, girl, it's Darnell's turn now. Go, Darnell.

[GRUNTS]

[PINS CRASH & WILL LAUGHS]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Excuse me, Dark Gable.

In case you didn't notice, this is my date.

I told him. Say, baby... why don't you ditch the go-cart and step up to a stretch limo?

Excuse me, Messy Snipes?

Listen, why don't you just take your limo and ease on up out my face, all right?

No, you didn't. No, you didn't.

Will. Will, just let it go.

No, no, baby. He started this, now I'm gonna finish it.

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

Lisa just saved your butt.

Get off, get off.

Where did that come from?

I've been meaning to tell you I'm a...

A what? A Power Ranger?

I've studied a couple years of self-defense.

Did I do something wrong? Yes, you did.

I was just about to retaliate.

Baby, you were on the floor. That's how I fight.

Officer. Officer, it was him. CROWD: Yeah.

WOMAN: He started it. MAN: Right there.

All right, it's no big deal, Will. Let's just get back to bowling.

Yeah, fine. Yeah, let's get back to bowling.

All right.

[GRUNTS]

That one didn't count.

CARLTON: Step right up, step right up.

Test your accuracy.

You, sir, with the big ears. How about testing your skill?

Come on, it's only three throws...

Hey. Aunt Viv, where's the rest of the family?

Well, Ashley's showing Nicky around, and your uncle's in a pie-eating contest.

How'd you do, honey? Piece of cake.

Come on, baby, let me buy you a hot dog.

See you later. Hey.

You, sir, how about a throw?

I don't think I should. CARLTON: What's the matter?

Got a noodle for an arm?

Carlton, that's Ken Griffey Jr., man.

Tell you what. Since Will seems to know you... how about a throw for half the price?

All right.

Who's he?

He is one of the highest paid players in baseball.

Hilary, this guy makes, like, a quadrillion dollars a year.

Hi, quarterback. How you doing?

I'm kind of chilly. Wanna take me to Hawaii?

Sorry, I'm married.

Then stop flirting with me.

Hey. Ken, what's up, man? What's up?

Looks like that strike took a toll on your throwing arm, huh?

Well, at least I don't have my woman fighting my battles for me.

Hey, Lisa. What are you doing here?

You invited me, remember?

Well, yeah, you know, but that was before the incident.

Will, you shouldn't be threatened by my knowledge of shotokan.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. First, I don't care if you know Chaka Khan.

I ain't threatened by nobody.

Will, why don't...? You know what?

I'm gonna just go get me a little something to drink, all right?

What's wrong with Will?

Carlton, can I confide in you?

I feel it too, Lisa.

Feel what?

Never mind.

Can't believe it. This place is so crowded, can't even get a soda.

Will, it's a carnival, relax. Listen, let's go play a game.

You can win me a stuffed animal. Oh, why?

So you can beat the stuffing out of it?

Lisa, I'm telling you, I had that guy.

Will. Had him!

Will, I was only trying to help.

If you wanted to help, you should have let that fella bash my face in.

Now, that would have been helpful. Now, let me get this straight.

You'd rather a guy bash your face in... than to have a woman who likes this face... step in and save it?

Finally you understand.

Yeah, I think I do.

I'm leaving. Hey, hey, Lisa.

Nothing.

[PHONE RINGS]

Banks residence.

One moment, please, I'll check. Miss Lisa on the phone.

G, look, just tell her I'm at the store.

He says he's at the store.

Yes, I'll tell him you called.

Will, I think it's inexcusable what that friend Lisa of yours did yesterday.

Thank you. Finally somebody who understands my side of it.

Of course I do.

If I was with a wimp who couldn't defend himself, I'd just leave.

You know what? That's it.

I'm putting an end to this mess right now.

Hello?

Mr. Yoshi?

Yiki-Yo, Yoshi?

Hey. Uncle Phil, what you doing here?

[EXHALES]

[WHIMPERS]

[SCREAMS]

[GRUNTS]

[IN CHINESE ACCENT] Chan, you have offended my family.

Now I must avenge my brother's death.

Having fun?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh. Uh. Sorry. Listen, I was just...

That's okay, everybody likes to do that.

What the heck happened to my coffee table?

Sorry about that. Hey, I'm Will Smith.

I come to learn karate from the greatest, most revered master... the martial arts world has ever known.

Oh, well, I...

Hey, listen, man, I wanna be just like Steven Seagal.

Oh, you wanna be a bad actor. Ha-ha-ha.

Yes, I can teach you the art of self-defense.

But first you must learn the Japanese philosophies... patience, discipline.

Yeah, that's cool, but can we hurry? I gotta whup somebody's butt quick.

Please sit.

Now, once upon a time, there was a great samurai warrior... named Akira Yoshimora.

Ooh. Good story.

Listen, can you teach me that thing... where you ram somebody's nose up into they brain?

Akira's quest in life was to slay the most feared dragon... in order to prove his worth as a warrior.

But he never found the dragon.

And on his deathbed, he finally realized that his search was pointless... for the most feared dragon was within, not without.

Without what?

I see symbolism is not one of your strong points.

But let me try again.

The silkworm is a very fastidious little creature.

And then by the time the silkworm made it to Tibet, I was done with him.

Your situation reminds me of the one Theotis Jones was in.

Theotis Jones?

Yeah, his woman rescued his butt in some fight just like yours did.

Well, what did he do?

Last I heard, he was playing Diana Ross in La Cage aux Folles.

So, what am I supposed to do, Jazz?

Only one thing to do.

I give you the hoodlum pages. Let's see.

Counterfeiters, extortionists, car salesmen.

Here it is. Guys who take dives. Wait, give me this.

Wait a minute, this guy will let me punch him 10 times for 40 dollars?

Mention this ad, and he'll throw in a head butt.

Okay. So dude comes down to the Peacock... he kicks up a little static, I lay him down.

Lisa and everybody thinks I'm a hero. Ahh.

Hey, man, where'd you get this from anyway?

I stole it.

Will. I'm glad you finally decided to call me.

Yeah, I figured we needed to, you know, talk about what happened.

Yeah, definitely.

Um, go ahead.

What? Talk.

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. Yeah, listen.

Maybe we should have a cappuccino first, you know.

Just to warm up to our conversation.

Sure. All right.

Hey, man, who you shov...?

All right, this is a stickup. Everyone on the floor!

[SCREAMS]

Don't anyone try to be a hero.

Let's have the cash, Webster.

Fine, take the money. But then what?

Holed up in some fleabag motel waiting for the man to come and take you away.

And all that's left is to walk that last long, lonely mile with the Lord's Prayer...

Will you give the man the damn money?

All right, get down. Don't you move.

All right, it's showtime. What?

All right, buddy, you ain't going nowhere.

Will, don't be a fool.

I'm warning you, pal, this thing is loaded.

Hey, look, point it right at me. Make it look real.

Huh?

[WILL YELLS]

I said, "Hyah!"

Thank you, thank you.

Lisa, come stand by my side.

Will, that was the most foolish thing I've ever seen. You could have been killed.

No, but, baby... Baby... LISA: No.

Jazz, you can take your fake cop. Lisa left.

Will, he's real.

And so is he.

And all that for only 40 bucks?

Hey, Uncle Phil, what's up, man? You busy?

Yes, I am.

Listen. Uncle Phil, I've been acting real dumb.

Mm-hm.

Look, I know what you thinking, what's new?

But usually I know why I be tripping, man, but this time I don't have no clue.

This is about you and Lisa, isn't it?

Sit down, Will.

You know, ever since the dawn of civilization... man has tried to be the stronger of the species.

The hunter, the protector.

Have you taken any anthropology classes?

Well, no, but I seen The Flintstones, like, five times.

Anyway, let me update this for you.

Say a stranger asks you for directions.

Now, you don't know where it is, but do you say that? No.

You say, "Go down three blocks, make a left, you can't miss it."

Yeah. I got plenty of dudes out there still looking for places.

Same guy asks a woman.

Now, she doesn't know either.

But she says, "I don't know."

Pfft.

That's the difference between men and women.

Wait, wait, wait, Uncle Phil.

What is it that makes men act like that?

It's testosterone, the male hormone.

And women don't have testosterone?

Well, I believe they do, but theirs is dormant most of the time.

Excuse me. Wait, wait. Uncle Phil, hold on.

You don't know the answer to none of these questions I'm asking you, do you?

No, I guess I don't.

Then why didn't you just say so?

Because I'm a man. Hmph.

Hey, thanks a lot, Carlton.

Hey, Lisa.

Shouldn't you be out fighting crime?

Listen, can I sit down?

No, Will, I don't think so. You're too crazy for me.

No, I'm crazy about you. There's a difference.

Look, Lisa, that's the only reason I had that guy fake sticking up the place.

Only a real robber came in. I thought it was the setup dude.

Otherwise, I'd have been up under the table with you.

Will, what exactly were you trying to accomplish?

Honestly? Yes, please tell me.

I was trying to fight Akira's dragon.

Only the dragon was from without.

Without what?

That's the same place the whole thing fell apart for me too.

Look, I think I could be cool with you being able to kick butt all over the city... but I got a feeling you got some other strengths too.

And, you know, that's the part that kind of scares me.

Will, just because I'm strong, it doesn't make you weak.

I ain't never said I was weak. No.

Look, why don't we just think of ourselves as being equals?

Cool.

But you know if we had the same job, I'm gonna still make more money.

Will you just shut up and kiss me?

Yes'm.

Get a room.

Y'all stay tuned for more Fresh Prince.