The Girl Next Door (2004) Script

Re-sync by pravi

[Woman Moaning] How doyou want me?

[Man ] Oh, that's good. Yeah.Just, uh--

Just get comfortable.

[ Woman Chuckles ] I'm a little nervous.

Nah, you're doing great.

[ Camera Winding, Clicking ]

A little to the right there, gorgeous.

Okay. Like this?

Oh, that-a-girl. [ Chuckles ]

[ Man Chuckles ] Yeah.

Okay. You ready?

Yeah. [ Girl] You're blushing, Dorothy.

[ Laughi ng ]

Okay, and big sm i le.

[ Girl's Voice ] Kathy Regan. I will always remember...

[ Shutter Clicks ] the game against Fairfiield.

That one final kick.

State champions, senioryear.

[ Boy's Voice ] Hunter McCaffrey.

I will always remember all the great times... with the dirty dozen and mackin 'all the honeys.

Cindy K., Tina B., Michelle H.

Goddamn. Just too many to remember.

Yeah! [ Boy #2 ] I'll always remember...

Iacrosse champions.

All the glory days with the boys.

[ Boy #3 ] I will always remember... the math club madmen.

Look 2 1. Making the perfiect fake I. D.s.

Which lasted six seconds.

[ Boy #4 ] Troy Cochran. [ Boy] Troy "Cock ring. "

T roy gives good head. Fuck you.

I'll always remember... Seniors!

[ Yel Is ] the seniorprank.

Seniors! Seniors! Seniors!

[ Pop, Air Hissing]

[ Boy #5 ] Matthew Kidman. I will always remember--

[ Chattering ]

Yeah, wel l, I told her I wanted to try out.

[ Man ] We'd like to honor a student who has shown We have no doubt that someday... he will be one ofthe great politicians in Washington.

The award for the bri ghtest leader of tomorrow...

Matthew Kidman.

I 'm in! I 'm in! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Georgetown's taking you?

[ Ticking ]

[ Laughing ]

[Bell Ringing]

[ Sighs ] [ Boy ] Hey,Jenny.

Do you have the fever? No.

Why? Do you?

I don't know. Maybe.

How about you?

I just gotta fuck somethin'.

I said everybodysay "ho"!


You know what I say? I saythis prom is gonna be offthe hook!

Do you feel me? Yeah!

Security's gonna be tight. Get wasted before you show up. Yeah!

That's enough.

That's enough. I can wait.

I can wait, people.

Now, here's your student council president... who has a few announcements to make.

Thanks, Mr. Salinger.

All right. How you doin'? [ Scattered Clapping ]

Okay, uh, let's start off with Operation Get Samnang.

Samnang, baby!

[ Cheering] Yeah.

Uh, well, we didit.

Uh, we raised the $25,000.

So now we can bring the genius Samnang out ofCambodia... and bring him here to study at Westport.

Speaking ofwhich, um, Samnang sent us a new tape.

Show that shit!

[Cheering] Showit!

Hi, everyone. It's Samnang.

Yeah! Samnang!

I'm very excited to be coming soon.

Areyou excited? Yeah!

I told my class that I'm coming to America. Theywere sad.

But Iam so happy. [ Boy] I want to bang you!

Go, Cougars! Yeah!

[Boy] How do theyskip class everydayandgo to the beach?

Because they just don't care.

Let's go with 'em.

Seriously. Let's just do it. Why?

Because, I mean, we never do anything.

I mean, we're graduating. We should be going nuts right now.

Let's just do something. I am doing something. I'm going to class.

Klitz, you already got intoYale. I mean, it doesn't matter anymore.

Yeah, Klitz, you pussy. Well, why don'tyou go?

Yeah, come on. Let's go. Beach is for fags, Matt.

The beach is for fags? Yeah.

You know what? You guys are fags.


Everyone to the beach!

Let's go! Lock 'em and load 'em, dude.

Fuck it.

[ Engine Starts ]

[Hooting, Cheering]

[Man On Stereo ] Personal power.

Personal power means the ability to act... the ability to take action.

There are three steps to personal power... that are necessary to produce the results.

And here 's number one step to personal power.

When you wake up feeling truly lethargic--

[ Yel I i ng ]

Oh, shit.

[ Si ren Wai I i ng ] F--

Hey! Pull it over!

Pull it over! Pull over!

[ Gasps ]

[ Woman ] Oh, you're home early.

Yeah, I postponed yearbook. I gotta work on my speech.

Mr. President. Mrs. Peterson.

Congratulations. Oh, thankyou.

Congratulations. Georgetown. Wow. You must be flyin'.

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

What's the speech you're working on?

It's for this scholarship I need to get so I can actually go to Georgetown.

It's, um-- It's pretty expensive.

Yeah, what kindofscholarship is it? I mean, what do theygive it for?

It's for the student who best demonstrates, um, moral fiber.

Ah, moral fiber. Well, that's--

[Mrs. Peterson ] Oh, I'm sureyou'll get it. Thanks. I hope so.

There's some stiff competition, and they only pick one of us.

So I'll just, uh, have to blow them away with my speech.

Okay. So, why do I deserve this scholarship?

Well,John F. Kennedy once said...

"Ask not whatyour country can do foryou... but whatyou can do for--"

I'm just saying that this girl was unbelievable.

I mean, she was like this angel.

I mean, she had this smile. I mean,you should have seen it.

So, did you bang her? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I banged her.

That's what a man does. Okay? Yeah. Okay, Eli.



Oh, my God. She's so hot.

What channel, dude? No. The-- The girl next door.

I can see herthrough my window. How's the rack?

God, who is this girl?

How's the rack? Hold on. Relax.

No, dude. You relax. Be a man and go over there.

[Matthew] Okay. Saywhat?

I don't know. Get offyour ass and do something. Fuck!


Hey, what are you doing? What?

Hey, dude, seriously, I told you. It really freaks me out... when you watch that whileyou're talking to me.

Just learn to like it.

Oh, my God.

What? Matt, what?

Matt. [ Phone Beeps Off]

[ Rings, Beeps On ] Dude, what the fuck?

[ Beeps Off]


[Front DoorOpens ]

[Footsteps Approaching On Sidewalk ]

[Doorbell Rings ]

[ Mrs. Kidman ] Yes? [ Woman ] I'm sorry.

[ Continues, Indistinct ]

Dan. [ Mr. Kidman ] What's going on?

[ Mr. Kidman ] Matthew.

Matthew, come down here.

What are you doi ng up there?

Nothi n'. Come down here.

[ Mrs. Kidman ] This is Danielle.

You know Mrs. Clark from next door.

Wel l, Danielle's her niece.

Danielle just told us something very interesting.

[Mrs. Kidman ] Mrs. Clark is inAfrica fortwo weeks with her church group.

Didyou know that?

Um-- Well, anyway, Danielle and she's house-sitting while her aunt's away.

Why don't you show her around?

Such a long road, you know. [Tires Screech ]

Uh, what are we doing?

Did you like whatyou saw? What areyou talking about?

Okay. I saw-- I sawyou for, like, an instant. An instant?

Yeah. It was-- It was no-- It was no big deal.

No, no. It-- It was-- It was a--

It was a big deal, but it's just that...

I didn't--

I'm-- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

So, what are we gonna do about this?

Uh, I mean, I-- I said-- I said I was sorry.

What? You saw me.

Yeah, right. Like I'm gonna strip right here.

Areyou-- Areyou serious?


Uh, no.

No. Never gonna happen.

Uh-uh. The whole package.

No, come on. This is good enough. [ Horn Blares ]

Jesus! Come on. Will you relax?

[ Chuckles ] Frickin' psycho.

There. You happy now?

[ Tires Squeal ]

Yep. Hey!



Jesus. Sorry.

[ Chuckles ] You're an asshole. It's not funny.

[Laughing] Come on.

Let me in. Let me in.

[ Chuckling] It's not funny.

It's a little funny.

So, what else do you do besides torture people?

Seriously. What's your story? I don't know.

I kind of just quit myjob.

I want to start over, maybe go to college.

So, uh, are-- are you here alone or--

What? What?

Just ask.

[ Chuckles Nervously]

Doyou have a-- a boyfriend?


Aren't you gonna ask me ifl have a girlfriend?

No. Okay.

So, you're about to graduate. You must be going nuts right now.

Yeah. I mean, uh... it's just been, uh-- been offthe hook, you know.

Really? Yeah.

So, what's the craziest thing you've done lately?

Oh, I mean, it's-- it's hard to tell, you know... because we've-- I've just done so much nuts stuff.

I mean, it's just offthe hook, offthe walls. I mean--

You haven't done anything, haveyou?


It's kindof-- It's kindofbeen myproblem lately.

Come on. There's gotta be something.

What about your girlfriend?

Okay. We can figure this out. You just-- You need a girl.

What kind of girl?

Definitely someone cute.

Definitely. [ Chuckles ]

Someone who can make him laugh.

[ Laughs ]

But he also needs someone who's gonna push him.

Someone who's gonna make him do things... he never thought he could do.

Like stripping in the middle ofthe street?

Well, thanks for the ride. No problem.

Well, um, good night.

Good night.

Good night. "Good night"?

What areyou, gay? I would have nailed her.

First ofall, you wouldn't have nailed her. Whatever, dude.

And,you know, secondly,you know, the vibe was not right.

The vibe wasn't right? Dude, she comes to your house, What does she have to do? Sit on your face?

Ow. Come on, bitch!

[ Groans ] Damn.

Should have kissed her. You okay? Dude?

All right. You all have this graph, correct?

Good. Let's move along then.

Now, it's a verysimple equation here.

Can anybodygive me the answer to this?

All right. Ifno one knows the answer to this--

Questions on this?

[ Ti res Squeal ] [ Daniel le Squeals ]

[ Laughing ] Whoo!

Good news, ladies and gentlemen. Pop quiz time.

That's SamnangSok. He's this complete genius.

So we raised all this money for him to come here and study at our school.

Who's we?

Well, I mean, I-- I did, but-- but, you know, he could be the next Einstein, you know.

You know, he could cure cancer.

Let's go.

So, what do you want to do? [ Chuckles ]


I'm not stripping again. [ Chuckles ] Come on.

[ Whispers ] Danielle.

Come on. Where areyou going?

Hey, come on. Let's get out ofhere.

How doyou know no one's home?

I don't. Come on.

Seriously. This is nuts.

[Splash ]

Ooh, boxers. I always wear boxers.

You just caught me on a weird day.

[ Giggling ]

So... what's the craziest thing you've done lately?

Uh, this is right up there.

Oh, my God.

Uh-oh. That's--

That's Mr. Salinger. Who?

That's-- That's my principal. Seriously. Let's go.

It's not funny. It's a little funny.

Hey. Hey.

Just go with it.

[Matthew Laughing] Go, go.

[ManAnd Woman Moaning On TV]

Dude, I'm kind of uncomfortable watching this with you.

Dude, learn to like it.

[Doorbell Rings ]

I'm all wet. Can I come in?

Uh-- Uh--


Hey, guys. Uh, this is Danielle.

You must be Eli and Klitz. Right.

Hey, come on. We're-- We're all goin' out.

Can I use your bathroom first? Oh, uh, it's-- it's over here to the left.

[ Chuckles ]

Dude. I know.

Dude. I know.

Dude, what are we doing here? Yeah, I know.

Guys, seriously, it's gonna get broken up, like, any second now, right?


[ Glass Shatters ] Hey, relax!

Fuck off. Sorry.

So, what do you want to do? Let'sjust chill.

Hi, guys.

Hey. Is this your party?

No, it's a friend of mine's.

I'm Hunter. Danielle. This is Matthew.

Hey, man. What's up? What's up?

Can I get you guys something to drink?

Yeah. Hey, man. What's up?

Can you come here for a second? Yeah.

Oh, no, it's cool. They're pals. Oh.

What's up? Yeah, man, this party's gettin' kind offull, bro.

Yeah. So? So you're gonna have to take off.

Really? Yeah.

Okay, but, um...

I'm-- I'm with her. Oh, it's cool, dude. She's taken care of.

There's the door.

Drink it!

[Boy] Kevin's here!

Yo, man.

When's Samsung gettin' here?

Samnang. Yeah.

Whoo! I love him.

Dude, I'm gonna do that little guy when he gets here.


Cool, dude. I'm sure he'll like that. Whoo! Samnang!

Excuse me.

Dude. I know.

What's up?

What? You're coming with me right now.

Everybody out. Let's move.

[ Growls ]

I said out, minions!

Shit. Move! Move! Faster,you little maggots.

So how's everything going? Fine.

Is everything, you know, okay at home?

All right. What?

Perhaps you should have a seat.

Perhaps you should bite me. Perhaps.

Matthew... we live in a crazy, mixed-up world.

Crazy, but, oh, so beautiful.

[ Yelling ]

Ooh, excellent, grasshopper.

And now for the final task ofyour training.

You're gonna need a harder piece ofwood than that, cowboy.

That's not her. Yeah, it is.


[ Moaning ] Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.


Matt, Matt. Dude, you're missin' the best part.

Matt. Dude! Matt.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Settle down, tiger.

I know. I know. It's not funny. Seriously, get away from me.

Dude, don't mess this up. Mess what up?

Matt, she's a porn star, okay?

Take her to a motel room and bang her like a beast.

Eli, I like this girl. And you can still like her

[ Scoffs ] [ Girl Groans ]

Matt, I'm telling you, you're gonna regret this. Whatwould J.F.K. do?

You know he'd tap that ass.

Eli, I'm never gonna see her again. You know what? Fine.

Fine. Fine!

Goddamn it, Matt. I swear to God... ifyou don't fuck her, I'll kill myself!.

Matt, please, please, Matt!

Fuck her for me! For me!


Oh, Marci,you're so funny. Oh, thanks.

[ Laughing ] I just saw you naked.

What? Oh, don't worry, honey.

Let's see what else we have. What are you doin' here?

I just came here to say hi. Hi.

Oh, look at this one ofhim.

[ Moaning ]

Hey, buddy.

What? [Danielle ] That one's the best.

That's such a good one.

Here you go, Danielle. Oh, thanks.

[Zipper Unzips ]


Thatta girl. This is a cute one.

[ Mr. Kidman ] Ohh, who's your daddy.

So, you were going to school in Los Angeles?

For a while. Uh, but then I started working on other things.

Oh. What kind ofthings?

Let me showyou.

[ Whimpering ]

-Jesus! [Yelps ]

Areyou okay? Yeah. I don't know. I, um--

I don't feel so good.


What can I do to makeyou feel better?

[Danielle's Voice Moaning] Oh,yeah.

[ Moaning ] -[Matthew Moaning]

I think I'm feeling a lot better now.

Really? We can go out another night. No, we're going out tonight.

Are you sure? Positive.

Look, I don't know ifl can do this. Yes, you can.

For tonight, be the man.

First off, act like you don't even like her.

Hey. Hey.

Second, get her drunk-- really drunk, okay?

That way the true porn star will come out in her.

Here. I, um-- I got us something.

Bourbon? [ Laughs ]

Are you trying to get me drunk? No. What?

I thoughtyou liked to rock. Like to rock?

[Eli] Last andmost important... always be touching her, man.

That tells heryou came here to get down tonight.

[ Chuckles ]

What are we doing?

Just chillin'.

Oh. Hey, look.

Um, may-- maybe, uh, we should, um... get a room.


Here it is.

[Beeps ]


This is, uh-- This is really nice. Uh--

TV, air conditioner.

Got a little lamp there.

Is that a Monet?


What are you thinkin'?

What are you thinking?

I don't know.

Do you want to fuck me?


Come here.

How do you want me?

Why are you doing this?



Isn't this whatyou want?

To fuck a porn star in a cheap motel room?

So this is what you think of me.

Danielle, wait. I'm sorry. Let me guess.

Someone showed you a tape, and you thought, "What the hell.

Right? Eli told me to do it.

Oh, now that's a mature response.

Why didn'tyou just tell me? Because I didn't want to, okay?

Because I loved the way you looked at me.

God, doyou have any idea how--

Forget it.

Holdon. Fuckyou.

[ Sighs ]

You're done.

I saw the tape, and I freaked out.

Hi. I'm comin' in. Can-- Can I come in?

Look, I-- I've just been crazy lately.

I mean, this-- the whole scholarship thing, you know?

I mean, it's-- it's killing me, you know?

But I'm not-- I'm not even thinking about that.

The only thing I care about is you.

You know? All I want is for us to go back to normal again.

It's a real nice place you got here, "D. "

I, um--

Can we... talk about this later? Yeah.


[ Door Opens ]

I liked that.

What? What you said in there.


Kelly. Oh. Matthew.


So you're friends with "D," huh? Yeah.

Well, we're, um-- We're kind of going out.

[Kelly] Look atyou.

You are a forest fire.

Are we going? Yeah.

You comin' with us? Where you goin'?

He can't. He's got school tomorrow.

No, no. I'm cool. Like, where are we goin'?

Two Scotch rocks and, uh--

Make it three. Actually, I'll have, uh-- a Long Island iced tea.

So, what grade are you in, man?

I'm a senior, but, uh, I'm about to graduate.

Congratulations. What's next?

Georgetown, hopefully.

Matthew wants to be president.

Really? That's great, man.

Yeah. How do-- How do you two know each other?

How do we know each other?

We used to work together.

So you're, like-- like, an actor?

Hmm? No.

Strictly producer. But "D" and I also used to go out.

Excuse me a sec.

So you guys went out?


Look, can we just talk? Talk.

I don't know ifthis is reallythe place.

Why? What's wrong with it? Oh, nothing.

It's-- It's fine.

It's one of my favorites. [ Sighs ]

What are you doing? What?


You turn it like so.

Hey, where you goin'?

The bathroom. Is that okay?


So you're really into her, huh?

Hey. I get it, man. Believe me. She's gorgeous.

I just thinkyou'd want someone moreyour age.

She is my age. Yeah. I meant... experience-wise.

No offense.

Don't worry about it. I'm gonna take care ofyou.

Oh, myGod. That's Mr. Peterson.

That's my dad's friend. He comes over to dinner all the time with his wife.

Really? Hey, Peterson.

Dude, what areyou-- What areyou doing, man?

Yeah,you. Get overhere.

Goddamn, Peterson. Haven't seen your black ass in ages.

I -- I -- Do I know you?

What the fuck's your problem? I -- Uh--

J ust fuckin' with you, man.

Hey. You know myfriend Mattyhere, right?

Peterson, this is Matty's first time.

Why don't you buy him a dance?

So, did you hear about that scholarship yet?

Uh, no. The big dinner's on Thursday.

Uh-huh. [ Sighs ]

So, uh, what's it for again?

The scholarship. [ Clears Throat ]

It's for, uh, moral fiber.

So, who is this guy? He's, like, a porn producer?

Klitz, shut up. Now, the strippers.

When you were getting a lap dance, were they cool with you grabbing their ass--

Dude, oh, my-- oh, my God. I'm trying to talk about Danielle.

Fine. Selfish bitch.

[Man On Film ] Forteenagers, sexual intercourse can be dangerous.

Jesus, what hack made this? I could make a better Why don't they update this thing?

Special events, such as your senior prom... place added pressure on young teens to lose theirvirginity... and also engage in unprotected sex.

[ Phone Rings ]

Hello. Hey, Bob.

We're all going to the creek tonight. It's gonna be a gas.

You're comin', right? I can't, guys.

I have a baby now.

Because of prom.

[Girls Laughing]


Yeah, right.

[Kelly] You guys everthought about it?


I just thinkyou guys would be really hot. You girls are 1 8, right?

I am. I will be in a month.

Really? You ever been photographed? Yeah. A couple oftimes.

Hey, you guys know Matty?

I hung with him last night. Guy's the tits.

There's my man. How you doin'?

[ Groans ] [ Kelly] What's up, fellas?

Matty... you didn't tell me you got some serious burners at your school here.

[ Laughing ] Shut up. Don't say that.

Hey, you know who's got the killer bud?

This fucker right here.

[ Chuckles ] What areyou talking about?

Yeah, come on. Yeah. You have some?

Uh-- Yeah. Come on.

Holy shit! You guys should party.

Can I-- All right. We're out.

Uh, holdon a sec. Hey. Whereyou going?

Got things to do, ladies. [ Girl ] So, you wanna hang out?

Hop in, fellas. Aren't you gonna photograph us?

Always leave 'em wantin' more. [Boy] Watch it!

[Tires Squealing] [ Boy Cackling ]

[Kelly] Man, there is some talent here.

You get those girls together with those ass-bags right there... shoot 'em humping at, like, a football game or at a prom... that video would sel l. Fuck, I 'm good!

How do I get these ideas?

It's like a gift, you know.

It's like I can't control it.

So, what are we doin', men?

Right. I need to transfer that.

You know, you really didn't have to come with me.

Ah, it's cool. I like runnin' errands.

Soyou raised 25 G's just to bring this Chinese guy over.

He's Cambodian.

Okay, so that's 25,000 total... deposited into the Operation Get Samnang account.

Hey, soyou raised all the moneyyou needed.

Congratulations. Thanks.

So, is this Samnang really as smart as they say?

Well, he did teach himself calculus without even using his textbook.

So-- [Woman ] Wow.

Those crazy little fuckers, man. They sure know their numbers.

Uh,Jeannie, this is my, um-- This is my student adviser.

Oh. You're Mr. Salinger?

Just here to make sure everything's up to par. Wow.

What? I love those earrings.

Oh, thankyou. Theyreallycomplementyour coloring.

Thanks. I just got back from Cabo.

Did you? Yeah.

Okay. Well, uh, we gotta go. Thanks,Jeannie.

Man, what were you doing? [Jeannie ] Yeah.

There's a bar under there, sit with other people.

You have been there. See? I knew. No. No.

[Jeannie ] I couldshowyou around. This guy's unbelievable.

[ Laughing ] You.

Where you guys goin'? Vegas, baby.

We got the convention. Gotta press the flesh, meet the fans.

So that's it? You're just goin' back?

I don't belong here.

What doyou-- What doyou mean? What about starting over?

This is what I am.

Allright, "D. " Let's roll.

[Engine Starts ]

[ Sighs ] Dude, it's not your fault.

No, it is my fault.

If I hadn't been such a dick and taken her to that motel room--

Yeah, that was a little forward, don'tyou think?

Dude. What?

Matt, the point is she made her decision.

There's nothin' you can do about it now.

Yeah, there is.

Hey, hey, Dad. Mom, don't wait up.

I'm gonna be late. I'll watch it with you tomorrow.

SharkWeek is all week long. God, I just wanna bang hot chicks.

[Crowd Cheering]

[Man ] Move it. Sorry.

Big smile.

[ Mouths Word ]

Yo, man, no press! -No, no, no. I'm not-- I'm not press.

I 'm still in high school, okay? This is for my high school video yearbook.

I swear to God.

[ Chattering] [Man ]Athena!

Jesus, is that her?

[Man ] Come on. Come on.

Give me a second, guys.

[Man ] Athena!Athena!

Danielle. Athena!Athena!


Athena, right here. Keep working it, Athena.

[ Matthew] Look, I'm sorry. I-- I had to come.

I feel like this is all my fault.

[ Man ] Who is this guy?

Will you at least look at me?

You're the best thing that ever happened to me, okay?

[Man ] Me too! Danielle.

[April] He's so sweet.

[ Crowd Groans ] Danielle.

Nice job, dickwad.

Danielle. Hey, man. Get me out ofthis thing.

Take me with you, dude. Danielle.

J ust leave me alone, please.

[Man ] Danielle.

Danielle, Danielle, Danielle.

Hugo, hi. Look atyou.

You look fantastic.

[Sighs ]Juststarting out andeveryone knowsyourname.

[ Chuckles ] No, they don't. So how's Kelly treating you?

Okay. -Just okay?

Danielle, what do we know? Hmm?

Uh-- What do we know?

We know thatyoushould be with me.

At the top where the air is crisp.

Nice tan. Kelly, what do we say?


[ Laughs ] Always with the big words.

Danielle, where the air is crisp.

What does that mean? Nothing. He's just being Hugo.

Matty. What areyou doing here?

Um, look, Kelly, no offense... but I really don't think Danielle wants to be here right now.

Matthew, please just go home, okay?

Hey, "D." "D."

I'm sorry, man. Come on. Let's get out ofhere.

What's up?

It's not cute anymore. What?

Stop filling her head with that-- Do not piss me off!.

Hey, I thought we were friends.

Friends don't fuckwith each other's business.

And that's what this is-- my fuckin' business.

[ Panting ]


What areyou gonna do?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Stay the fuck away from her.

[DoorOpens ]

[DoorCloses ]

Matt, seriously, man, it's 2:00 in the morning.

Hey, what about your thing tomorrow? The scholarship dinner?

Sorry, I gotta do this.

Oh, by the way, ifthings get bad, just bolt, okay?

What? What do you mean "things get bad"?

Wait, wait. What's he talking about?

[ Chattering ]

[ Slurping ]

Hi. [ Scoffs ]

[ Chuckles ]

Dude, am I ugly?


No. No, man. You're fine.

-Just--Just relax. No, I'm ugly. I know it.

So, what doyou guys do?

I get freaky. [Eli Chuckles Nervously]

Uh-- Uh, we're directors.

Really? Wouldyou guys ever want to use me Uh--

Hell, yeah, we'll use you.

Baby, I'll do things to you I wouldn't do to a farm animal.

What the fuck did you just say? Honey... these guys are directors and theywant to use me.

"Useyou"? Guys, this is my boyfriend-- Mule.

Uh, hi, Mule.

Man, you gotta use my girl, bro. She's so good.

I am. I really am.

Doyou want to give hera throw? [ Gulps ]

Yeah. Try me out. No, you know. No.

Well, come on. At least feel hertits.

Uh, I'm okay. I-- I can't. Thankyou though.

Fuck it. I'll feel one.

[ Moaning Softly]

We're allset fortomorrow. Athena will be there, Not bad, huh? Suckers cost me six grand. [ Moaning ]

Yo, Mule.

What the hell are you doing?

Steel, check it out, man.

These guys are directors. [ Laughs ]

Man, these punks ain't directors.

They're in high school, you idiot. [ Laughing ]

Okay, here's the thing-- [ Yelps ]

[Woman Screams ]

[ Yells ]

Oh, shit!

[Woman Screams ] [ Yelling ]

Come on, Klitz! Get off ofthis!


[ Yelling ]

Matty, time to go. Time to go. What happened?

It got bad. Bolt! Bolt!

Dude, wait up. Fuckyou, dude!

Excuse me.

I just want to letyou know, I know who you really are.

And you're better than this.

[ Sighs ]

[Knocking On Door]


[Door Opens ]

Need a ride to school?

[Matthew] It's allyou now. I mean, nowyou can do whateveryou want.

Why do you believe in me so much?

I don't know. Maybe I'm stupid.

[ Chuckles ] [Bell Ringing]

Good luck tonight.


Bye. Bye.

Will you go to prom with me?


I would love to.

Now for the scientific explanation. Anybody?

[Lecturing Continues ]

That your speech?


You ready for tonight?

Don't worry, man. You're gonna be great. I have to be.

That fuckin' bitch can't just run away...

'cause she don't want to fuck on film anymore!

May I helpyou? [ Snaps Fingers ]

Get up. Okay, okay.

Stay in school.

Look, I have the most important dinner of my life tonight... so whereverwe're going, we just have to be home by 6:00.

Just soyou know.

Here he comes.

It's a cool ride, huh? Yeah, ifyou're a fag.

-Jesus! It's cool! It's cool!

Get in.

Where are we going?

I thought you were cool, man.

I tried to beyour friend, and what doyou do? You fuck me.

I didn't fuckyou. She didn't show up on set Now I'm out 30 grand. Guess who's paying me back.

What? I don't have 30 grand.

Getyour folks to helpyou out. Theydon't have that kindofmoney.

Look, Kelly, I'm a problem solver, all right?

This is what I do. Okay?

Let's just-- Let's just think outside of the box here.

Look, she'll get ajob, I'll keep mowing lawns.

Over time, we'll pay it down. You know? This can work.

We can do this. It'll be like a payment plan.

You really care about her, huh?

Yeah, I really do. I don't know.

IfI'm gonna do this payment plan thing...

I need a show of good faith, you know?

Something concrete. Well, like what?

A blow job.

Nah, I told you. She's not gonna do that anymore.

Who said anything about her?

Yeah. We're definitely outside the box now, huh?

Nowyou gotta askyourself... how far are you willing to go, hmm?

Howmuch doyou reallycare about her?

[Zipper Unzips ]

I'm joking, man!

[ Laughing ] Relax.

Damn! Do I look gay to you? No, but, geez--

You wanna be president...

Iet me tell you the first rule of politics:

Always know ifthe juice is worth the squeeze.

You know what that means?

It means you don't steal my girl unless you're ready to accept

All right. I'm sorry, okay?

That's gonna swell up like a bitch. Here, take these.

I'm telling you, it's gonna hurt like shit.

I'm sorry I got upset.

I just-- I felt taken advantage of.

Look, I'm not gonna be a dick. I know she loves you.

I'm gonna leave you guys alone.

But nowyou're doing something for me.

Remember that ass-bag Hugo from the convention?

We used to be partners a long time ago.

One day, I had this killer idea... to make films set in real-life situations.

You know, Real World porn.

I tell the idea to Hugo. He says he'll think about it.

And what does that motherfucker do?

Takes my best girls, starts his own companywith my idea... and the guy makes millions.

It's not the money that pisses me off. I mean, yeah, fuck... it does piss me off, but that's not it.

It's the perception. Everybody thinks Hugo's the genius.

It was my idea. It's like he's Simon and I'm Garfunkel.

Look at me, man.

I'm fuckin' Garfunkel.

Look, seriously. I can't do this.

Don't be a pussy. Nobody's home.

Why doyou want this thing so bad? Because. It should've been mine.

I'mjust gonna grab it andleave. You don't understand.

I have to be at a dinner in an hour. Mywhole life depends on it.

You want me out of Danielle's life? Yes, I do.

Then let's go. But wait. Seriously--

Sometimes in life, ifyou want to do something good, Yeah, but this is breaking and entering.

This is politics.

Hey, after this, we're cool, okay?

You're all right, man.

[ Beeping ]

Yes. I'd like to report a robbery.

Bang me! [ Squawks ]

Cradle the balls! [Whistles ]

[ Shouts ] [ Squawking ]

[ Screams ] Help me!

Help! Ah, fuck!

Wait! Come on!

[ Sirens Wailing ]

Okay, so what time does the dinner start?

6:00. Why? What time is it now?

6:30. Oh, my God!

Don't worry. We'll get there.Just try and--

Dude, what areyou doing?

I don't know. I just--

I feel so good. [ Laughing ]

Oh, my God.

I-- I just feel so weird.

Shh. Don't worry. Ecstasy is not that bad.

[ Both ] What? Kelly likes dosing people with "E."

Oh, my God. Am I gonna die?

No, no. It's okay, Matt. You're gonna be fine, I promise.

You're such a good friend, Klitzy. I love you.

I love you so much.

[ Laughs ] This is gonna be amazing!

[DistantApplause ] Wait a second.

Oh, my God. [Applause Continues ]

[ Groans ] You don't understand.

It's really kicking in right now.

Just try not to talk so much, okay?

Talk so much? I'm giving a speech.

It's okay.Just go with it. Wait, wait, wait!

In a few minutes, we'll begin the speeches, and we hope--

Thankyou again for coming towhat promises to be

[Applause ]

Matthew Kidman.

[ Grunts ] [Dishes Clattering]

[Matthew]Ah, mycompetition! Hey, what's up, Ryan?

Jesus! What happened to you?

J ust living life, my man. Mina, how are you?

Okay. J ust a little nervous.

Oh, but you're a little temptress though, aren'tyou?

Hey, buddy, howyou doing?

Hey, thanks a lot, thanks a lot.

[ Snaps Fingers ] Huh? Huh?

Hey, there's the big daddy, huh?

Matthew, what has been going on with you?

Some serious shit.

But,Jesus, man, it's good to seeyou!

Will you excuse us, please?

Oh, my God. Am I blowing it?

Just try and control yourself. Just breathe, okay?

All right. [ Inhales ]

I've learneda lot from myteachers... but my best teacher has always been my mother... a woman who worked threejobs trying to support me... eversince I was a little nina.

I will never forget the dayshe said to me...

"Si trabajas duro, todo es posible."

And that is why I have always tried to answer the call who urged us to ask not what your country--

[Matthew Guffaws ]

[ Laughing ] [ People Shushing ]

Let's see here.

I can't speak a foreign language, so that's out.

And I certainlycan't quote J.F.K.. now, can I, Ryan?

You know, it's funny. I have this whole speech prepared... and I 've been practicing for weeks, but you know what?

I 'm just gonna go with it.

Moral fiber. So what is moral fiber?

I mean, it's funny.

I used to think it was always telling the truth, doing good deeds... you know, basically being a fucking Boy Scout.

[People Gasping] But latelyI've been seeing it differently.

Now I think that moral fiber is about finding that one thing That one special thing that means more toyou than And whenyou find her, you fight for her.

You risk it all.

You put her in front ofeverything-- your future, your life-- all ofit.

And maybe the stuffyou do to help her isn't so clean.

You know what? I t doesn't matter.

Because in your heart, you know... that the juice is worth the squeeze.

That's what moral fiber's all about.

[Applause ]

First, I'd just like to commend the candidates... on their impressive remarks.

Thisyearwas a verytough decision.

Andas much as we'd love to giveyou allscholarships, we can't.

And so, I am proud to announce... the winner ofthis year's Sheridan Scholarship...

Ryan Winger.

[ Cheering]

[ Bell Dings ]

Oh, God, what happened?

Yeah, I slipped.

Listen,Jeannie, Samnang's coming on Monday.

I know. How exciting.

Yeah, so I'm gonna need to close out the account.

What doyou mean? I mean I'm gonna need But it's already closed. What areyou talking about?

Your teacher came byyesterday, and he cleared out the account.

Who? What teacher? Your student adviser.

Mr. Salinger. The one you were with the other day.

Mr. Salinger? What areyou--

[Boy Whimpering]

Samnang, what's wrong, my son?

That Matthew Kidman.

He fucked me, Mom. He fucked me so bad!

Son of a bitch.

Oh, my God. What's wrong?

Jeannie, didn'tyou ask for I.D. or anything?

You said he was your student adviser.

Oh, my God.

-Jeannie, where areyou going? To get the manager.

No, wait, wait. Matthew, what's going on?

Look... that guywasn't my student adviser.

No. I know, I know. I can get the money back.

We just need to keep this between me and you for now, okay?

That's a great blouse. Have you lost weight?

No? No, wait, wait!

Jeannie!Jeannie! Jeannie,Jeannie,Jeannie.

You think about this. This is your fault too.

You didn't ask for I.D. You didn't do anything.

And I sawyou flirting with him. So unprofessional. You're gonna Don'tyou threaten me, you little shit!

I could give a fuck aboutyou and your little rice boy.

I'm not getting fired over this! Okay, okay. I'm sorry.

Please.Just-- No one can ever find out about this.

Ifthis gets out, I'll be expelled. My life will be over.

Ifthat money isn't back by Monday, I wouldn't worry about being expelled.

I'd worry about going to jail.


Hi,Jeannie. Hi, Martin.

[ Panting ]

[Mrs. Kidman's Voice ] Matthew, what's wrong?

[Mr. Kidman's Voice ] Matt, is there something

[ Mrs. Kidman ] Matthew, honey, what is it?

H i. Come here.

I 'm i n so m uch trouble.

I can't believe we're even thinking about this.

Well, ifyou need that kind of money by Monday--

Yeah, but what are we doing? I can't getyou involved in this.

I want to do it.


Moral fiber.

I'm in. You haven't heard the whole plan.

Ah! It doesn't matter.

Fuck film school. This is gonna be huge.

This is gonna be my calling card.


Klitzy. No way.

Klitz, you know I wouldn't ask for this unless I really needed it.

Matt, believe me, I want to helpyou, but... no.

We'll get expelled. Klitz, shut up.

Do me a favor, okay?

Take a look at us. Take a good look at us.

Doyou know what we are, the three of us?


We're a fuckin' tripod.

A tripod. Yeah. You know what that means?

That means ifyou kick out one of our legs, then we all fall.

Come on, baby!

[ Sighs ] Fuck.

I know it was you, Klitzy.

Where is she? Oh, there they are. Hey!

Hey! Hi, Danielle!


Let's get our luggage. Yeah!

All right? I'll be there in a minute.

So if I pull this off, I get the 25 grand on Sunday?

Kid, you pull this off, I'll take care ofyour little Samsung.

Samnang. Whatever.

Have a nice prom, kid.

All right, minions, over here.

[ Rings ]

Relax, relax.

You know what? Go wait in the car. Go.


Gentlemen, these areyour prom dates, April and Ferrari.

Ladies, we have Eli and Klitz.

Your name is Clits? With a "K."

[Eli] Okay, get a two-shot. M-M-Minions!

All right, guys, get closer. Yeah, that's right. Show me the love.

Feel it, feel it! Nice.

Eli, do those girls go to your school?

Uh, actually, no, Mrs. Kidman.

They're porn stars. [ Laughing ]

Y-You look, uh--

You look really nice.


You really do, hon. You look so beautiful.

Really? Oh, thanks.

What are all these cameras for? They're for video yearbook.

So what should we do? Should we start setting up?

Yeah. We just gotta keep this low-key, okay?

Okay. What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna get our actors.

Dude, make sure they can act.

Yeah, all right. Just get out ofhere, okay?

Hey, I got this taken care of.

You just show this little lady a good time tonight.

[ Giggles ] Minions, let's move!

So what are we doin'? Relax, relax.

Come on, play it cool, play it cool.

Look. They're coming toyou.

Yo, Matt. What's up?

What's up? Can we talk toyou for a second?

Dude, I'm with my girl here.

Oh. Sorry, man.

Should we come back? [Danielle ] No. I'llleaveyou guys alone.

[ Clears Throat ]

What's up? What's up with those girls?

What about 'em? Are they, like, uh--

Are they porn stars? Yeah.


I knew I recognized them. I knew it.

Can we meet 'em? Yeah.

How'd you boys like to be in a movie?

What are these? Your scripts.

Sign the release form at the top.

Come on, you guys, wait up!

Are these our actors? -Just these two.

What about me, dude? Oh, sorry, bro.

The party's all full.


As an artist, I want it to come from a truthfulplace.

Holy shit.

Ferrari, Ferrari, focus. Oh, okay.

I can do this. Don't worry. Think Meryl Streep, Sophie's Choice.

Hey. Hey.

[ Eli] Next location!

Come on! Move! Move, move, move! Let's go!

Shut up. Take this.

[ Yells ] Aw, come on!

Take the pain! Take the pain! Get up! Come on!

May I have a word with you?

What's up? I found this in the hallway.

Do you know what this is?

No. What is it?

Looks like a release form for something.

Yeah, I... don't know what it is.

Have a good night.

You're strong, you're firm... butyou have a secret.

Show that to me.



I neverwent to prom.

Excuse me, sir? We have a problem.

What's wrong? Derek didn't work out.

What happened? Let's just say he wasn't strong or firm.

Guys, I can't work like this! Okay, relax.

We'll just get somebody else. There is nobody else.

I thought everyone's dyin' to be in this. Not this scene.

All right. This is the key scene.

Ifwe don't get this, Hugo's not gonna buy it.

Well, somebody's gotta step up.

Whyyou lookin' at me? Becauseyou're doing it.

Whoa, Mr. I-just-want-to- bang-hot-chicks.

Here's your first chance.

Klitz, I can't act and direct.

Oh, okay, fine. I'll direct. Oh, you're a director now.

Yeah, I'm a director. Okay, Spielberg, what lens

[Arguing Continues ]

I 'll do it.

I 'll do it.

You guys have been great, but this is my mess. I 'll clean it up.

Matt, Matt, your face is gonna be in this. Think about that.

Come here, baby. Uh, let's, uh--

Uh, picture's up, people.

Areyou ready, hon? Yeah. Okay, let's do this.

And... action! [DoorOpens ]

What the hell is going on in here?

Nobody move! Ah, shit.

Who is in charge ofthis?

I asked you people a question!

Who is in charge here?

Fuck it.

All right, everybodytake five.

What's wrong? I can't do this.

What happened? [Door Opens ]

[Eli] What areyou gonna do?

I don't know. It doesn't matter.

No. I'll do it.

Klitz, it's cool. No, no. I'm doing it.


'Cause we're a fuckin' tripod.

[Eli]All right, here we go, people. Picture's up!

Listen, I know this is unprofessional... but I think you're really cute.

Yeah, right. I'm serious.

Really cute.

How we doing, Klitzy?

Fucking great, man. Let's do this.

And action!

Seeyou, guys.

Good night, guys.

So, what's the craziest thing you've done lately?

[ Cell Phone Ringing]

Hello? We're dead.

Eli? Dude, the tape's not here. I can't find it.

What? Dude, I'm not kidding, okay?

All right, calm down. No, dude, you calm down! It's gone!

What doyou mean, it's gone? I mean it's frickin' gone!

Somebody stole it! Jesus Christ!

Matthew, could you come in here?

This is Mr. Simon.

Hesays he has something veryimportant to discuss with us.

Sit down.

Actually, ifyou don't mind... may I have a word with the boy alone first?


So how was prom?

That's mine. You know, we were fine.

But now you go and do this? This was my idea.

Now I'm really gonna fuckyour shit up.

I'm gonna need that back. Oh.

Take it from me.


What are you gonna do?

I don't have to do anything. Hugo Posh will.

He's mypartner on this. Fifty-fifty.

So could I please have mytape back?

Fucky-- [ Coughs ]

Fuckyou. I'm taking your half then.

No. That money's going to Samnang.

The money you stole from him.

You say that like I care. I don't give a shit.

You're giving me your half.

And if I don't? Showtime.


Okay, what? Show 'em the tape.

I'm not fuckin' around.

I just don't care anymore.

This... is gonna be interesting.

Dan, Marci, Mr. Salinger... wouldyou mindjoining me in the living room fora second?


Matthew, is there anything you want to say before we watch this?

Okay, then. On with the show.

Hello. I'm April.

And I'm Ferrari.

You may recognize us as stars ofthe adult entertainment industry... andtodaywe're taking time out to talk about a veryimportant subject.

Sex. Sex.

Special events such as seniorprom... place added pressure on young teens... to lose their virginity and engage in unprotected sex.

I know I lost myvirginity at my senior prom.

When did you loseyours, April?

Um, when I was 1 0. Moving on!

In this video, we'll go through everything... from kissing to foreplay.

And for our finale, we'll show you how to put a condom on properly... using a real person.

No cucumbers or bananas in this video.

So forthose ofyou naughtyboys... expecting to see a raunchyporn video... you might as well turn this off now... becauseyou're not gonna see sex. What the fuck is this shit?

You're gonna see sex education.

This is interesting, Matthew.

Yeah. Yeah.

I think it's a great idea.

Well, you rememberthose sex ed films back in our day.

I'll tell ya, ifthey were anything like this... we surewould've paid more attention, don'tyou think?

I think it's atrocious.

But... the hell with it.

The kids today are so goddamn screwed up... maybe this is the onlyway you can reach them.

You just might have something here, Matthew.

[Mrs. Kidman ] I think it's prettywild.

This could really sell, don't you think?

How'd you come up with such an idea, Matthew?

What can I say? It's like a gift, you know?

It's like I can't control it.

[ Girl's Voice ] CourtneyBooth. I will always rememberlate nights in cabby.

[Boy's Voice ] Eric Zierdal. I will always remember--

Kurt Kilgore. I will always remember--

Joseph Croft. I will always remember wrestling State--

[ Matthew ] Matthew Kidman. I will always remember...

the three legs ofthe tripod...

I ' m here with H ugo Posh, the producer of Adult Education... the hottest-selling sex education video ever made... being utilized in classrooms across the globe.

H ugo, you're known pri mari ly as a hard-core pornographer, correct?

[ Matthew Narrating] my business partner... Let me break it down foryou.

Hugo Posh isn't just tits. He isn't just ass.

I mean, yes, he is those things, but Hugo Posh is also heart.

What an ass-bag.

Fuckin' kid.

[Matthew] mystudent adviser...

All right, people! Let's make some fuckie-fuckie.

[Barry Bloom ] Now, Hugo, you andyour partner have made millions on this.

So who is this si lent partner?

[ Hugo ] Well, he prefers to remain anonymous.

You better cure cancer, kid.

[ Matthew] the next Einstein...

All right, yeah, next question.

All right. Eli's calling card...

How about you, buddy? Mr. Brooks, why did you Don't you thinkyou're a little young? Shut the fuck up!

Next question! Faster!

I got the tape! I got the tape! I got the tape!

For our finale, I will now demonstrate the proper technique... for putting a condom on the real thing.

Is myvolunteerready? Klitz's big debut...

Shut up, shut up, shut up. Here he is, here he is.

[ Gasps ]

Jesus. Look at that guy.

He is huge.

my own scholarship to Georgetown...

and, ofcourse, I'll neverforget... the girl next door.

I'm just goin' with it.