The Gong Show Movie (1980) Script


Lucky duck.

Son of a bitch.

Have a seat.

Go to sleep, you little girl, you just sleep.

Rest those little bones, while I go out and make a goddamn fool of myself.

Holy shit!

♪ Sometimes it just don't pay to get up

♪ Sometimes it just don't pay to get up

♪ Your old dog died and it broke your heart

♪ And you're running late and your car won't start

♪ Sometimes it just don't pay to get up

♪ They say if whiskey won't kill you

♪ Then cigarettes will do the trick

♪ They say you can't eat meat or nothing sweet

♪ It seems it's just plain risky getting up on your feet

♪ That's why sometimes

♪ It just don't pay to get up

♪ Sometimes it just don't pay to get up

♪ Your bones are aching from the cold and damp

♪ And you ain't got a quarter for a loudmouth tramp

♪ Sometimes it just don't pay

♪ Sometimes it just don't pay

♪ Sometimes it just don't pay

♪ Sometimes it just don't pay

♪ Like I said, sometimes it just don't pay to get up

♪ To get up, to get up

♪ Oh yeah Michael, Michael, Michael!

Why don't you answer me?

What's the matter, you too big to talk to me?

You're such a big man, you won't talk to little, small, teeny, tiny me?

You keep calling me Michael.

My name's not Michael.

You're not Michael Barrie?

No, no, no, no, I'm Chuck Barrie.

Big deal, Chuck Barrie, Michael Barrie, what's the difference?

More important, I want you should listen to my songs.

I've got 'em here in the briefcase.

They're terrific.

I want you should let me play them on my fiddle on the Bong Show.

That's the Gong Show.

You changed the name?

Look, call us up, we're in the phonebook, okay?

Listen, Chick, my songs are the kind of songs...

That's Chuck.

Listen, these songs used to be sung by my mother, your mother, well, maybe your grandmother, I don't know.

But you see, my...

Hey, Chuckie baby!

We're Satisfaction!

Hey, Chuckie baby, we're Satisfaction, and we got this tune we want to sing for you.

Hit it fellas, one, two, three, four, hey.

♪ What good's sitting alone in your room

♪ Come hear Satisfaction play, oh

♪ Life is a cabaret, oh, Chuck

♪ Come to the cabaret

You've hardly heard nothing, listen to this.

I was walking down the street, guy put his hand in my pocket.

I said, "What do you want?"

He says, "I want a match."

I say, "Why don't you ask me?"

He says, "I don't speak to strangers."

That's a good one, that's good.

Now, listen, Chick, I want you to listen.

Listen, my songs.

If you won't listen to my songs, I've got, I've got such...

Wait, Chick.

Chick, listen, Chick.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I'm moving, stormtrooper.

How come you so late?

Hiya, Chuck, how come you're so late?

I don't know, I just couldn't get out of bed.

It's been a madhouse all morning.

I believe it, I was...

How come you look so tired, Chuck?

I don't know, I just couldn't get out of bed.

What's happening, Mabe?

An 85-year-old actress named Ethel Niche was up here yesterday.

We don't need any 85-year-old actresses.

She don't want to act, she says she thinks you made her pregnant.

I made her pregnant?

She said it was either you or Julius Irving of the Philadelphia 76ers.

She left a picture, recognize her?

I never slept with her.

Oh, and one more thing.

Mr. Didlo is in your office, he says he's got to speak to you.

He says it's very important.

Mr. Didlo, presenting the star and host of the show, Chuck Barrie.

Okay, baby.

I told you that you do not have to announce me like that.

Well, you are the host and star of the show, and that's how you get announced, ain't that right, mama?

That's right.

Hey, Buddy.


Charles, there's been slippage.


I said there's been slippage.

And as network vice president in charge of programs, it is incumbent upon me to bring this to your attention.

What's slippage?

A drop in ratings.

Oh, damn.

The Gong Show ratings are down, just a teense, but down, just the same.

Due to the wildness of you and Jaye P. Morgan, I suspect.

I thought The Gong Show ratings were up.

They are, but I can smell slippage.

And Charles, comes at a bad time.

Of course, there never is a good time for slippage, but certainly not at contract renewal time.

My contract's up for renewal?

Yes, and because of the impending slippage, you will not be getting a salary increase this year.

I didn't get any salary increases last year.

And you aren't going to get any this year, either.

Oh, and no more limousines to the studio.

I never take a limousine anywhere.

You never take a limousine to the studio?

How do you get there?

I drive my car.

Oh, how gross.

You should take a limousine, it's good for the image.

All right, I'll start taking limousines.

No, you can't, not this year, too much slippage.

Wait a minute, Buddy.

I've got auditions and I'm late.

I'll see you later, all right?


Give 'em a little celebrity status, and they all become primadonnas.

Hey, good morning.

Good morning!

Hey, I'm sorry to keep you waiting.

Go ahead and do it.

I've got to stop and tune up.

I had a cockroach.

A cockroach is in your ear?


For how long?

It's, it must have been three years.

Oh, yeah, I like that.

That's good.

I mean, I totally cannot even believe Morris the cat is dead and they keep showing the commercials.

It just like totally bums me out to the max.

One more time before you go, I kind of like that.

Very good, all right.

Well, thank you, you can take your little musical schlong and go right out the door.

My name is Janey Need-to-hand-me.

I think, that's what they told me.

Anyway, I don't believe, so I changed it to Insaney Janey.

Yeah, that's me, my man called me Magic, and this is what he say.

Lady Magic has captured my heart and mind, and made set in a different time.

Then he makes it like a fire, what I say, once he's caught in her web, you can't get away.

Lady Magic like quicksand, I must admit, the more you struggle, the deeper you get.

You know what I mean, jelly bean?

Who is the cocksucker?

We're talking about beans, I'm talking about a bean.

There you sit, all broken hearted, trying to shit and only farted.

Hold it, hold it, hold, hold it!

Janey, do you think we could do that on television?

I did it before and they had me.

On television?

Where's Johnny Michelle?

Get him back.

Everything up until that's fine, but we can't get away with that, you must be crazy.

We can't say that stuff on television.

♪ Sitting in the bathroom, thinking of you

♪ Sitting on the toilet, nothing to do I had a bad day today.

Everything I touched today turned into cock-up.

I had a pet rock, and I loved it so much, I turned my back, it peed on me.

I said to my wife, I said, "Dear, let's eat out."

She spread all the food and spread across the lawn.

What a day I had today, everything...

I'm not right, I'll be all right.

♪ We call that prostitution, it's a prostitution

♪ It's the world's oldest institution

♪ Now throw the first stone if you dare

♪ You can be that ivory citizen who really cared

♪ But remember behind every lady of the night

♪ There's a first-class citizen who's paying her right

♪ That's why I'm calling the resolution

♪ Calling for resolution

♪ I want legalized prostitution

♪ Everything 'cause this

♪ That streetwalker and a call girl too

♪ He's got an economic service to do

♪ Work may have its ups and downs

♪ But their business has always been around

♪ So calling for this resolution

♪ For a resolution, for legalized prostitution

♪ Make the girls legal, make 'em clean

♪ This fall, vote for Resolution 13

Oh, Chuck.

Hey, Chuck, how's tricks?

How you doing? Okay.

How are you? All right.

That's good.

You look beat, how come you look so beat?

I don't know, that's the way I look now.

You know, I just, I just, I just finished auditioning 68 Gong Show acts.

No wonder.

But all that stress, what are you doing to maintain your cardiovascular system?

My What?

Your cardiovascular system.

That's what I'm working on, my cardiovascular system.

I work out like crazy.

You enjoy that?

I hate it.

Then why do you do it?

I just got divorced.

What's that got to do with it?

I am hawking every 22-year-old broad in this town.

Well, it's not exactly right, I mean, I'm not hawking every 22-year-old broad.

I'm hawking every 22-year-old broad in my building.

I'm hawking my secretary.

She is something else.

Every time I throw her a hop, she goes into the kitchen and eats a piece of cheese.


And it don't make any difference what kind.

It could be, uh, American, Swiss, Camembert, she likes cheese.

Then she comes out of the kitchen and I gotta hawk her again, like I'm some kind of fountain.

That's really rough, Bernie.

You're damn right it is.

And if I can't do it, you know what she does?

She grabs me by my canipes, like they're subway pants and jumps up and down like a filled high.

What's a canipe?

These, these things, these are canipes.

I always call them love handles.

Well, you call them love handles, I call them canipes.

I'm telling you, she treats me like a Chinese dinner.

15 minutes after she hawks me, she's ready to hawk me again.

I am terrified every time she goes into the kitchen for a piece of cheese.

You know what I mean, Chuck?


So, what are you up to tonight, Chuckie baby?

Big Premiere?

Dinner with some movie star?

Bang a few starlets?

You're not going to believe this, Ed.

I'm going to go home and sleep.

I've got to tape five Gong Shows tomorrow.

Yeah, sure, Chuckie.

Here come the Gold Dinghies, do it!

All right, November's going to be a good month for you.

December's going to be a good month.

January, you will die.

February will be a good month.

A cow, listen to this, listen, you listen, a cow goes up to a priest.

The cow goes, "Moo me, father, more.

"Mish-mack-uh, priest, mish-mack-uh, father."

And the priest, "Oh, for certain, cow was my fay-schpook."

Are you making sport of me or something?

Listen, I'm a talented man, I've been on TV a lot.

Whaddya talking about?

To prove that this is no ordinary ventriloquist act, I now am going to have Sad Sack sing a song while I drink this water.

Shake, shake, shake, shake your baggies.

That's a marvelous little duck.

That is animal crackers, and, Phyllis?

Ow, Jesus.

Wakey, master.

Remember, Pearl Harbor.

That dastardly stab in the back.

I think it's time to expose you're no good, what do you say?

Yes, let's...

All right, okay.

♪ Little bit of business here

♪ Little bit of business there

♪ I can tell that you've been window shopping

♪ All around the square That's ridiculous, that is time for it.

And now the new drink, it's called a godfather.

Yeah, what's that?

It's chianti and prune juice.

Makes you an offer you can't refuse.

♪ All right, yeah

♪ I'll tell you where I'm coming from

♪ Well, brr, yeah, uh huh

♪ Figaro

♪ There he goes

♪ Allegro And now, ladies and gentlemen, a live bird in this bag.

Abra-kazam, lady-gazam.

Oh, well, what a bummer.


One more time!

One more time.


One more time!

One more time.


More time!

One more time.

We'll be right back.

We'll be right back with more stuff right after this message.

All right.

HEY, I was gonged!

Yeah, a few losers, now get off the stage.

Come on back, Melvin, come on back.

Let's hear it for Melvin Presar.

Get off the stage.

All right, all right.

Yeah, that was pretty good.

Hey, one more time, Melvin!

Melvin, one more time!

At least it's a nice hospital.

I have never seen a nice hospital.

You know I gave Presar his heart attack.

I'm responsible, I did it.

I kept making him do encore after encore.

Oh, come on, Bo, don't be so hard on yourself.

Melvin loved doing his chicken.

And if he wasn't having fun, you would have made him stop.

That's not true, that's not true.

I kept going for the laughs, without thinking about him.

I gave him his heart attack, and I'll never forgive myself.

Excuse me.

Excuse me?

Well, if it isn't old Chuck Barrie.

What can I do for you?

I would like to see Melvin Presar, I understand he's on this floor?

You know, I watch that stupid show of yours every day before I go to work?

First, I put on the coffee, then I put on my TV, and then I watch your stupid show.

That is the dumbest thing.

Here, can I see Mr. Presar, please?

Oh, you're here to say goodbye to Mr. Presar.

Okay, follow me.


Isn't Mr. Presar going to live?

Oh, he's alive, but he won't survive.

I'm right, 19 out of 20, and I call 'em as I see 'em.

Oh, here we are.

Now, the sickly fool is only allowed one visitor for just five minutes.

That is, if he's still living.

It wouldn't matter how long you stayed in there if he was dead, now would it?

Well, by the way, if he should happen to die while you're in there, just come and get me and I'll take care of it from there.




Hiya, Melvin.

Chuck, it's so nice of you to take the time to come.

I know you're very busy, and have so many things to do, and you have a lot on your mind.

How you doing, you old goat?

Is the nurse around?

Do you need her, I'll get her.

No, no, don't get her.

Just see if she's in the hall.

She's predicted that I'll kick.

She has a 19 out of 20 record, you know.

I want to make sure she's not around.


She's not out there.

Good, good.

Could you come over here, please?

I want to show you something, my new act for The Gong Show, I've been practicing.

To start with, I come out dressed like a budding ginkgo tree!

And then I say to Milton, "Milton, if you please."

And Milton plays A String of Pearls in the key of C, and I do my coyote.

Your what?

My coyote, like this!

Jesus Christ, Melvin!

And then, and then Milton plays the Jersey Bounce, and I do my law marine.

And then, and then...

What's the matter, how's Melvin?

How's Melvin, he's auditioning.

You can hear it for yourself.

Man has a heart attack, and he's auditioning.

Chuck, Chuck, give it to me straight.

How do you like my new stuff?

Chuck Barrie?

Where did you come from?

Well, originally from Utah, but I've been in Los Angeles now for the last 27 years.

My name is Dr. Jerry Queasley, and I'm Mr. Presar's personal physician.

I'd like to have a word with you, Mr. Barrie.


This way, please.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, can we have a little quiet, please?

Now, listen, I know you're a very busy man, but this won't take very much time.

It's about Presar.

Now, all of us have seen Presar's act.

None of us feel it is anywhere as good as mine.

That's right.

Jerry's act is 10 times better.

It's great, the greatest.

Now, I am all set up, it'll take a second to show you.


I go back, I call myself, I call my act, "Dr. Jerry, the Singing Chef."

I bring the table out onto the stage.

I tell the orchestra to begin, they play Camptown Races, and I sing.

Dr. Crawford, if you please.

♪ First you break your eggies in a dish

♪ Doo-da, doo-da

♪ Then you give it a little swish

♪ All the doo-da day

♪ Then you add some flour

♪ And a dash of spice Then you interrupt, you come out on stage, and you say, "I'm sorry, Doc, but we've run out of time

"on the old Gong Show," and I say, "Well, wait a minute, wait a minute, "I can't come back another time, I mean, "I came down from San Francisco to do this show.

"I mean, I brought all my stuff, "and now you say I gotta come back another time?"

And then you say, "Well, I'm really sorry, Doc."

You see, and then we argue back and forth, and then I get angrier and angrier, and I get real fed up, and pick up the batter, and I throw it right in your face.

How do you like the act?

It's just awful, you're just a mess.

My God.

Is that, that's Presar!

Hold it, I've got a minute.

Hey, I've got it, I do, I do, I do a crow.

I do a crow of The Stars and Stripes Forever.

Who needs this?

Get off that damn show before you really get bent out of shape.

Get off?

How am I going to get off?

There are ways, if you wanted to.

You could get a substitute.

Jamie Farr could do it.

Willie Bobo.

Joe Namath.

Joe Namath, where are you going to find Joe Namath?

Someone else could do it.

You know, I can't believe this is happening.

Listen, it's not easy to get out.

You know, Bo, you're not getting out because you don't want to get out.

You like it, everything, including getting that crap thrown in your face.

Ah, come on, it's better than working in a bank.

Hey, don't change on me, Bo.

What'd you say?


It's just, you have this sort of special quality about you, and I don't want you to lose it.

What quality?

Never mind, forget it.

Listen, why don't you call the Cowboys tonight and play some music?

That always makes you feel good.

You know something, Red-Head?

Presar, doing a coyote to the Jersey Bounce really was pretty good.

Oh, God, you're sick.

I'm not sick.

What, just 'cause I roll around with all this crap on my face, you think I'm sick?

Hey, Chuck, anybody hear how Melvin Presar is?

Yeah, I know how he is.

Red and I went to the hospital to see him today.

He's okay.

I don't think he's very sick.

He auditioned a new act for me.

He auditioned?

He auditioned, and so did his doctor.

I'm not kidding.

Come on, I've got a lot of stuff to get out of my system.

Let's play a little, all right?

♪ Why me, oh, Lord

♪ Why me, oh, Lord

♪ Hey, how come you like to see

♪ Everybody dump on me

♪ Why me, oh, Lord

♪ You must be bored

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa

♪ Whoa, whoa

♪ Why me, oh, Lord

♪ What did I say

♪ To make you feel this way

♪ Now it won't be a disgrace

♪ If you just get off my case

♪ Why me, oh, Lord

♪ You must be bored

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa

♪ Whoa, whoa

♪ Why me, oh, Lord

♪ Lord, I pay my dues

♪ I'm tired of singing the blues I' Yeah I'd like to try

♪ And smile for a ltitle while

♪ If my muscles work

♪ Why me, oh, Lord

♪ You must be bored

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa

♪ Whoa, whoa

♪ Why me, oh, Lord

That's not your problem, you know what your problem is?

You fell in love with me, and you're just sick about it.

It's annoying the hell out of you.

You know what your grandmother used to say, "For even! duck, there's a duckess," and I'm your duck.


You would be my duckess.

Well, you know what I mean.

Sit down.

I'm going to tell you a joke.

All right?

You ready?

All right, now, you tell me.

What am I doing?

Don't know what I'm doing?

I'm running a bath.

I'm seeing if it's either too hot or too cold.

I'm running a little bath, you know, too hot or too cold.

Walk fast into the garage and keep your hands in the air.

Stay right where you are, Big Bo.

Hey, what's the problem?

What's the problem?

I ain't got no problem, you've got the problem.

You die now.

Well, why?

Because we're brothers.

Well, what's that, why do I die because you're brothers?

Because we're brothers from the same mother.

Yeah, there was a real end-lick in our family.

A what?

An end-lick, a catastrophe.

When you gonged our mother on your Gong Show, you crushed her spirit.

You devastated her.

Oh, wait a second.

I didn't gong your mother.

The judges gonged your mother.

I loved your mother.

Who is your mother?

Dora Romani.

Dora Romani?

Cute, adorable Dora.

I loved her singing.

I wouldn't have gonged Dora if I could have gonged Dora.

Shut up, no more talking.

No way you're going to bullshit your way out of this one, Bare-Ass.

Mario, pick up the top of the garbage can.


What for?

What for, because it's dramatic, and Bare-Ass here is show biz, so I just figure we give him a little show biz goodbye.

Go hit the top of the garbage can, Mario.

And here's the moment we've all been waiting for.

You hit the top of the garbage pail, it's like you hit the gong, I hit the trigger, and he hits the deck.

Vito, that's great, that's greatness, Vito.


Hey, wait a minute, wait, wait, wait.

Just a second, just a second.

Dora Romani was a good singer.

The talent's gotta be running in your family.

And listen, you shouldn't be wasting your time with this stuff.

You should be thinking of an act for The Gong Show.

You two guys could be stars.

You know, we could do that little thing we did at Angie's wedding.

What thing was that? I forget.

That's where we sang the Robert E. Lee, and then, in the middle of the song, we tell a little joke, and then we sing the end of the Robert E. Lee.

What joke was that?

That's the joke where I say, "What do you call 250 Indian maidens without nipples?"

And you say...

What do you call 250 Indian maidens without nipples?

The Indian-Nippleless 500!

♪ Waiting for the Robert

♪ Waiting for the Robert

♪ Waiting for the Robert E. Lee gouging

Pat, you're the same man who gonged these boys' mother, Dora Romani.

Now, why did you gong them?

I just remembered, in the nick of time, that Dora Romani was their mother.

That's why.

Bad is bad.

Oh well, Gong Show marches on.

What, you want Jaye P. to pull your tail?

Like her to pull mine too, okay?


Why did you do that, Jaye?

Pull your tail, I'll bite your ass off.

Oh, shit, I just spit in my coffee.

Oh, shit, I just dropped like the fucking Jews.

Oh, dog gone it, Yo" 901: gonged.

Jaye, you school, why did you do that to Bobby?

Nobody can follow the fox, you asshole, so fuck off.

♪ My pa is a millionaire My name is Doctor Jekyll.

It's Mister Hyde!

No, it's Doctor Jekyll.

It's Mister Hyde, Doctor Jekyll, I tell you, Mister Hyde!

Today I'd like to pose a Biblical question.

Is there reincarnation after death?

And if there is, does an individual return in a higher or lower state than he or she held in his or her mortal life?

Oh, that's an interesting question, father.

What is, what is the answer to that question?

Beats the shit out of me.

I pull the trigger.

The singing bird went bye-bye.

A bullseye.

Our next act is a big disappointment.

♪ Tie a yellow ribbon

♪ Around the old oak tree

♪ It's been three long years gouging

Jaye, why did you do that?

I'd like to know why.

I think we should tie a yellow ribbon around your neck.

♪ Amazing grace

♪ How sweet the sound

♪ That saved

♪ A wretch

♪ Like me

♪ I once was lost

♪ But now am found

♪ Was blind J" But now I

Pull the trigger, watch the snake die.

A bullseye!

Please release me.

Let me go.

You know...


Yes, well.

Tell me.

Well, Jaye, here, Why?

Because you showed your little monkey once too often on television.

Pull the trigger, got him on the first try.

A bullseye, a bullseye!

Hey, we'll be back.

What, what?

What, what?

Oh, yeah, but not now, Moon, I gotta do commercial, right after the commercial.

Hey, Chuck, Chuckie.

We'll be back.


Is it okay if I just kind of stand out here?

All right, now, just stand right there, Moon.

Just let me get in the commercial, okay?

All right, we'll be right back.

We'll be right back.

Chuckie, would you do me a favor?

Could you tell me if my fly is open?

Oh, no, it's not, it's closed.

Well, it should be, I'm peeing.

Now we've gone over the edge.

Right out of their flipping minds.

Five shows are too much to do in one night.

Well, we can't tape any less if we want to make our schedule.

Schedule, schmedule, there may not even be one.

Charles, you're in big trouble.

Stations are canceling the show left, right, and center.

What show?

This show, your show, The Gong Show.

Oh, they don't care how big the ratings are.

You're offending too many viewers, and your offensiveness, Charles, is escalating.

Now, Charles, we could be up, pardon the expression, Crap's Creek.


I know you're on the run, but we must have dinner to discuss this before it's too late.

Mabel, please make a reservation at Matteo's tonight for three at 8:30.

Good, good.

What a clay.


I'm telling you, Bo, you really gotta get away.

You ain't just bumping your gums.

Hey, how about a month on the French Riviera?

Yeah, sure.

Ah, good evening, Monsieur Barrie.

Greetings, mademoiselle.

How are you, Raoul?

This way, please, careful, careful.

Careful with that, careful.

Table for two, this one.

May I, merci beaucoup.

May I take your jacket, please?

Always the epitome of style, of style, class.

Que elegance, please, lovely Red.

Oh, pardon, monsieur.

You look kind of tired this evening, Charles.

Always tired, Raoul.

Well, let me tell you, your secretary called.

You're a private party, no one will bother you back here, a little private party, wonderful lace.

Far from the maddening crowd!

I've also chilled the Perrier.

You know, this one I love myself.

Let me see, now, I will now get the menus, tout suite.

The menus, please.

Pardon me, Chuck, but I'd like to introduce myself.

I'm the cook, I know you're busy, but I just wanted you to hear something I wrote that you might want to use on your television show.

Dr. Crawford, if you please.

♪ I'm a cook, I'm a cook

♪ Take a look, take a look J" I'm the cook, I'm the cook, I'm the cook

♪ Not a book, not a fluke

♪ Not a crook, not a snook J" I'm the cook, I'm the cook, I'm the cook

♪ I'm the cook, I can cook like a son of a gun

♪ I can cook better food than you can

♪ I can wheel, I can deal

♪ I can forge, I can feel

♪ I'm a wiz, I'm not a flash in the pan

♪ I'm the cook

♪ Take a look

♪ I'm the cook You shall be replaced.

Out, you're doing exactly what Mr. Barrie is trying desperately to avoid.

I don't believe you did this.

I beg your pardon, I can't get good help.

I didn't plan this, I'm so embarrassed.

Pardon, pardon.

I'm so nervous, I'm going to smack his face, I'm so sorry.

I will attempt now to get the menus again.

The menus!

Anyway, as I was saying outside, you need to get away, you really do.

You've gotta get back to the basics.

Smell the flowers, think about life, stuff like that.

You've been working on that looney bin show for so long, it's driving you crazy, and you don't even know it.

You've seen over a zillion acts, and with auditions and rehearsals, week in and week out, you're just not having fun anymore.

It's like you say, if it ain't fun, don't do it.

And it ain't fun, so don't do it.

Well, what do you want me to do?

I don't know, anything.

Go home and play with yourself.

Just get off that goddamn Gong Show.

Play with yourself on The Gong Show?

Is that what you plan to do, play with yourself on coast-to-coast television?

Oh, I knew it, I knew it.

Sorry, kids, I'm late, but I had to drop Mildred at her sumo wrestling class.

Coming up, a chair for Mr. Dildo.

Oh, Didlo, Didlo.



I beg your pardon.

Monsieur Barrie, Mademoiselle, Mr. Didlo, we have no menus.

I mean this is no, we have no menus.

I mean, we keep getting ripped off, there aren't any.

Let's just not discuss the menus any further, shall we?

And I'll be okay, no, it's nothing.

Decide what you want to eat, and I'll see if we can fix it for you, okay?

Just take your time, I'll be back in an hour and a half, and you just try to relax.

Goodness sake, one of us should relax.

Where are the menus, please?

Well, I'm not hungry, thank God.

What's up, Buddy?

You look worried.

Right, I will get straight to the point.

Now, as a representative of the network, I'm responsible for taste, religion, politics, and money.

Your responsibility is to the people.

Now, millions of viewers are counting on you to get them through the week, now, that's a big responsibility.

And, Charles, quite frankly, you are, pardon the expression, buggering it up.

Now, I wouldn't tell you this unless I loved you.

A piece of you is a piece of me, and, and, where are you going?

I'm going to pissy.

Do what?

He's going to drain the goose.

Chuck, Chuck Barrie, how are you?

Once upon a time, Charles, The Gong Show was a symphony of entertainment, but now The Gong Show is The Goon Show.

Cheap jokes, filthy language, Jaye P. exposing herself, transvestites.

Cute transvestites, you gotta admit, they're cute transvestites.

Yeah, yeah, adolescent girls giving, pardon the expression, head to popsicles.

Now, in the beginning, Charles, I believed in you.

I believed in you, I still do, but the cancellations, oh!

Chicago, Detroit, even San Diego.

San Diego?

Now, the bottom line is: you and The Gong Show shape up or you both ship out.

I'll shape up.

Do I have your word on it?

I'd raise my right hand, but I'm a little busy right now.

Then repeat after me:

I, Chuck Barrie, do solemnly swear...

Chuck Barrie!

Are you Chuck Barrie?

The guy on The Gong Show?

Come on, honey, it's time to get up.

I know it's early, but you got a long day today.

Come on, sleepyhead, come on, that's a good boy.

Plump your pillows up like you like, make it nice and cozy.

Here's your little hat, I know you like your little hat in the morning.

Now, I have a surprise for you, so close your eyes.

They never opened up.

Are they closed?


Breakfast in bed!

I haven't made you breakfast in bed since the good 0l' days.

Bacon and eggs.

Give me a little kiss.

Oh, no.



I can't believe it.

My God, are you folks deaf?

I've been ringing your doorbell forever.

Uh huh, you probably turn it off, like you turn your phones off.

Wanted a little, pardon the expression, early morning diddle, eh?

Oh, I'm exhausted, I didn't sleep a wink last night.

And it's all because of you.

You're determined to drive me crazy, but I'm not going to let you do it.

No, siree, I am not going to let it happen.

I'm not going to let it happen.

Oh, that looks scrumptious.

I need marmalade, Red.

Oh, and skim milk, dear, I never use cream.

And neither should Charles.

Buddy, what are you doing?

I'm eating Charles' breakfast, Can't you see what I'm doing?

Now, Charles, we parted last night without you signing this agreement, promising that you would behave yourself, and Jaye too, and that The Gong Show would be a good show.

Now, sign it this minute.

Go on, sign it, I said, sign it.

Hey, Buddy, it's 7 o'clock in the morning.

So what?

This is for your protection.

That's why I've been climbing vines and trees at dawn, to protect you.

That's what friends are for, Charles.

And you know I care about you, and the Red one.

Oh, seriously?

Seriously what?

I mean, you really care?

I really care.

In fact, I, and pardon the expression, I love you both, in my WaY-

Hear that, Red?

He likes us.

You know, it's nice to wake up in the morning with somebody you really like right next to you.

I wonder how many people in the city right now are waking up to someone they really like next to them.

Not many, I can tell ya.

Maybe just a handful.

Go on, sign it I said, sign it.

I guess you wonder why I called this little meeting here this morning.

Well, let me get to the point: it's Didlo.

I mean, he is, he has been hollering and yelling at me, day and night, and he says that, I don't know, that you and I are just too, uh, too wild and woolly.

Wild and woolly?

Well, not exactly wild and woolly, he says, I guess that we're too crazy.


Oh, come on, Jaye, we're too dirty, that's what it is, we're just too dirty.

We're really too dirty?

Gee, I thought I was being pretty good.

Being pretty good?

I mean, you're saying to that priest, "Hey, father, you were really a mother."

Or to that bird lady, "There may be a pigeon

"on your shoulder, honey, but under

"that skirt of yours, there's a beaver."

I mean, that's being good?

Come on, Jaye, it's not funny.

I mean, it's funny, but it's not funny.

Okay, I won't talk dirty anymore.

You promise?

Do you promise you will not be dirty?

Cross my fucking heart.

Why are you so late this morning?

I overslept.

You always oversleep.

Why did you have to write that letter to your sister now?

The acts have been waiting over an hour as it is.

You haven't changed your clothes in three days, you look awful.

Coming in late, and walking around with about as much energy as a hippopotamus with a hernia.

You've got to get more rest, honey.

Ain't that right, mama?

That's right.

Hey, Mabel, come here, baby.

Come here, I just want to ask you something.

I've been meaning to ask you this for years.

How come your mother follows you wherever you go?

Well, I keep telling her to go home, but she don't know where she lives.

She don't know where she lives?

You don't know where you live?

That's right.

I can handle it from here, girls, okay?

Remember, that's where you stop.

OkaYl now, if you get Qoflged, you're not going to get all crazy about that, are you?

I mean, like you said, quote the words of that great old sage, that's life in the city.

You know, all right?

You and me, we're doing it for a laugh, all right?

I mean, you know, whatever.

Whatever happens.

I mean, don't take it personally, because they gong some of the finest people on that show.

See you later, Mr. Barrie.

BYE, Mike, you too.

You too, thanks for coming down.

Thank you, take the book, don't forget.

Jenny, we have done more than a manager does in a year, we do in a week, here.

While she's talking, yeah, absolutely, absolutely.

Hush up, Harry, hush up.

We'll tell you when to start, all right?

Because I got Harry Christian in the nose.

Fuck it, so I'll make it to the first of the year.

Barely, to the first of the goddamn year.

Where the hell is my black pencil?

My name is Walter Wanderman.

Now, listen to it, Chuck, it's a very euphonious name.

Walter, Wanderman.

Da-da, da-da-da.

I've done many Broadway shows in Paris, a lot of television commercials, a lot of television, television series, and a couple of, eh, films that are being shown in mental institutions.

Oh, you see, Chuck, everything in my whole career has always been in a comic vein.

I mean, I like comedy, I love comedy.

Hey, man, I'm a funny man, duh-duh-duh-duh-duh.

But you see, you see, Chuck, the thing is, the thing is, I've always gotten up and done my own stuff.

I mean, I've never gotten up and done another writer's material.

And here I am in front of you, and I'm doing myself, me, da-da-da-da-da.

Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck.

Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, I want to ask you a question.

I'll disappear.

Me, I'm doing acting, Chuck, I'd like to ask you a question.

Did you, did you ever try doing yourself?

Oh, no.

Well, anyway, Chuck, come on, what are you walking out on me for?

No, you're playing.

Don't you have respect for actors here?

I do, I do.

So what are you leaving for, I'm an actor, man.

What is this shit?

Hey! chuck!

Hey, Chuckie, come on!

I'll be right back.

He'll be right back, I've been waiting here for three hours, here, man, since Saturday.

Hey, Chuck, come on!


I don't believe this, I don't believe this, man.

I came here, where is that man?

I'm not going to, I'm going to wait.

I gotta get out of this business.

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, Della, what's up?

Remember I told you I want to come by and surprise you?


Well, I'm getting married.

You're getting married?

You're 16 years old.

I'm in love, Daddy, and I'm getting married.

You know, when you're in love in a certain way, you get married, it doesn't matter how old you are.

Anyway, I want you to meet the guy I'm marrying.

Bill, come on in.

This is Bill Bridges, Daddy.

Bill, this is my father.

Hello, Mr. Barrie, how are you?

Holy batshit, Robin.

Are you ready?


Marriage, marriage, what's marriage?

Chuckie baby!

You know, I'm still beat.

I am still beat.

Well, you played really hard.

And Marinara, he ain't exactly chopped liver.

You know, that's not it.

You know what it really is?

I'm still angry, that's what it is.

I'm still angry at the world.

And with all that raquetball, and I still didn't get it out of my system.

Wanna roll a drunk?

Very funny.

But I'll tell you what, I think I ought to call Billy and Ray, and maybe, you know, jam a little.

That's a good idea.

Okay, let's do that.

All right, go ahead, go.

All right, let's get out a dime here.


Hey, you know who that guy is?

No, who?

Chuck Barrie, the guy who does The Gong Show.

Watch this.

I think The Gong Shaw's the dumbest fucking show on television, and so is that schmuck that does it.

Call the Cowboys.

Did you hear what he said?

Just forget it and call the Cowboys.

Come on, it comes with the territory.

Comes with the territory.

I'm tired of everything coming with the territory.

Honey, they're too big!

All right, all right, look, I'm not on the phone now, I'm right in front of your face.

Now, talk about The Gong Show.

Go ahead, big brave guy, I don't care how big you are.

Say something about The Gong Show, now tell me, say it.

Just say it.

I say, rag m0P-

Chuck Barrie, you get down here this instant.

That's enough.

Mr. Barrie, I know everyone asks you this, but could my husband take a picture with you and me together?

If you wanna, Mr. Barrie, your friend Rag Mop can be in the picture, too.

No pictures.

Kyle, don't take anymore pictures until I fix my hair.

You and me together.

You get your hand off my roommate, you big lummox.

Hey, how about one with Chuck and his girl, and me and my wife?

I said no pictures!

Well, if you're going to play grab-ass, Kyle, who's going to take the pictures?

And now, ladies and gentlemen, here's the host and star of the show, my daddy!

From Indianapolis, Indiana, we bring you a young man who, in my opinion, is ready to give up his regular job and in no time find steady employment as a doorstop.

♪ I'm singing in the rain

Now, a jackass.

I'd like to pose a Biblical question: is there life after death?

Well, father, that's a good question.

Is there life after death, father?

Well, son, does a face have a watertight ass?

Anybody want to buy a little dog?

♪ I love it here

♪ I love

Ladies and gentlemen, oh, come get me, come get me, come get me.

Ladies and gentlemen, our next performer says that she likes swimming, and take me away now.

I'm going crazy-

Now, let me ask you this, Scarlet.

Well, what, Red?

What is short and squat and limp and hot?

I don't know, Red, what is short and squat and limp and hot?

My pecker, Scarlet.

Take that thing up.

Let's have them take that up.

Up, take that up.

Take this thing up.


Take this up.

Take that up, already.

And my friends, did she despair?

Did she gnash her teeth or...

Now, the moral of the story is, if the road to hell is paved with good intentions, what's the Pennsylvania Turnpike paved with?




I'm a psychiatrist.

I suspect that he is on the verge of some sort of a breakdown.

He must see a doctor just as soon as possible.

He said you may be having a nervous breakdown.

Right now, I want you to go see a doctor tomorrow.


Okay, doc!

Give it to me straight.

Look, I've done a complete physical on you, and the only thing I can find wrong with you, other than a distorted imagination, is that you are exhausted.

And you seem pretty worried about something.

You know, Betsy, I think I just don't like to do The Gong Show anymore.

In fact, I think I hate doing The Gong Show.

How come?

I guess because everybody thinks of me now as some kind of a clown, you know, buffoon, an idiot jumping around the stage like a damn fool.

I'd just like to do something meaningful.

Listen to me, Chuck.

It's important that you get away, even if it's just for a few days, but, if you can, try and stay a few months.

I can't believe that Betsy, I can't believe what she says, you know?

But she's absolutely right, you should go away.

Screw the shows, all they do is give you asthma.

You know something, you got your hand on my canipe?

What? That's my canipe.

Honey, that's not a canipe, that's a love handle.

You call it a love handle, I call it a canipe.

Oh, come on, Bo, don't change the subject.

What's the...

My asthma's better, listen.

Yeah, it sounds real good.

It is. Listen, Betsy's right.

If you don't go away, you're going to have a breakdown for sure, and spend the rest of your life on a shrink's couch.

Fat chance that I'm going to be on a shrink's couch.

Speaking of shrinks, this guy goes to the shrink, and he says, "Doctor," he says, "I've got this really weird problem.

"I've got this feeling that there's this

"screw in my belly button and there's nothing I can do about it, it's just there."

So, the psychiatrist says, "Don't worry about it."

He says, "Look, tell you what you do, "you go home tonight, see, "and when you get home, "get out your tool chest and go in your tool chest

"and get out your screwdriver, "and when you get your screwdriver," he says, "when you get your screwdriver, "what you gotta do

"is put the screwdriver

"right on your belly button, "and just screw out the screw, it'll be fine."

So the guy says, "Okay."

So about a week later, the guy calls the psychiatrist up, and he says, "Doctor, "I did just what you said, you know?

"I went home and I got out my screwdriver

"and I took it and I stuck it on my belly button

"and I screwed out the screw, I can't believe it."

And the doctor says, the psychiatrist says, "Everything worked out all right," he says, "See, I told you."

He said, "Yeah, but I got a problem, doc.

"My ass fell off."

That was very good, honey.

Yeah, well, I don't tell jokes, but, you know, I can't, I can't go away.

Oh, why not?

I got shows to do.

Oh, come on, Bo.

What about the people?

What people?

What do you mean, what people?

I mean, the stagehands, the crew, my staff, Gene Gene the Dancing Machine, Father Ed, they all have jobs.

You're not serious.

Sure, I'm serious.

You know, Bo, you're the only one you should care about right now.

You won't go away.

You'll never go away.

You'll just work until you wither up like an old string bean.

Oh, look, Red-head, if you're looking for me to change, forget it.

I mean, this is me, and if I'm getting on your nerves, I don't know, maybe we just should split for a while, you know?

You know, you're becoming an itch?

And I am getting on your nerves, aren't I?

I hate when you call me an itch.

Yes, you are getting on my nerves.

What's happening to you is getting on my nerves.

Well, you're getting on my nerves, too, and I really think we should split.

I really do.

Well, maybe that is a good idea.

In fact, it is a good idea.

I'm moving out, I've had enough of your looniness and craziness to last me a lifetime.

Really, you know, it's over, we're finished, history, done, in the toilet.

Oh, God, you frustrate me.

You irk me.

Besides, it hurts too much to see you turn into such an ass.

Listen, I'll go up to the house and get my things when you're not around.

I want my teddy bear.

Here, take your vitamins.

And don't forget to get your asthma shot this week, before you start wheezing like an old bulldog.

Listen, do yourself a favor and call the Cowboys, maybe they'll make you feel better, especially when you're in one of your foul moods.

I'll see you around, Bo.


Hello, Mabel?

Chuck, where are you?

Everyone is in a panic, especially Mr. Didlo.

I don't know, I'm somewhere.

Somewhere, now what kind of answer is that?

Why don't you know where you are?

Are you okay?

What difference does it make?

When will you be here?

No, no, I won't be there, Mabel.

I'm going to go away, I need some, I need some peace of mind.

Peace of mind?

Give my love to everybody and just tell everybody not to worry, all right?

Did Red call?

Not that I know of.

What do you mean you're going away?

Do you want me to check the answering service to see if she called?

No, it's okay, Mabel.

BYE bye.

♪ They say if whiskey won't kill you

♪ Then cigarettes will do the trick

♪ They say you can't eat meat

♪ Or nothing sweet

♪ They say it's just plain risky getting up on your feet

♪ That's why sometimes

♪ It just don't pay to get up

♪ Sometimes it just don't pay to get up

♪ Your girlfriend splits and leaves a note for you

♪ And your little wife finds it and she leaves you too

♪ Sometimes it just don't pay

♪ Sometimes it just don't pay

♪ Sometimes it just don't pay, like I said

♪ Sometimes it just don't pay

♪ Sometimes it just don't pay to get up

♪ To get up, to get up

♪ Oh, yeah That brings us to seven o'clock out here on Radio K-HEY Centipede.

It's gonna be another warm one today, so let's stay as loose as a goose with another big one from Johnny Paycheck, here...

Good morning, what can I do for you?

Can I just have a little cup of coffee, please?

Wait a minute, I know you.

No, no, you don't, we never met.

Can I just have a small cup of coffee?

Yeah, I do.

Listen, I don't know me, so how are you gonna know me?

Because I watch TV!

You're Chuckie Chuck from The Gong Show!

Hey, Myrtle!


Lookie who's here!

It's Chuckie Chuck from The Gong Show program.

You're kidding, holy shit, the little fart from the television show.

Hey, Myrtle, now's the time, right?

Now, you just wait right there, you hear?

Wait right there and don't move a muscle.

Not a muscle.

Oh, we want to be on The Gong Show so bad.

Now, you listen to this and see if we ain't got the damndest act you ever saw.

We call ourselves the Diner Dolls.

Okay, Myrtle, let's get started.

One, two, three!

♪ Down in Arkansas

♪ They serve the cole slaw

♪ Chopped up by better veil of straw

♪ When you're crunchin' on a bunch of cole slaw

♪ Keeps you chewing like a crosscut saw

♪ Exercise your jaw, baby

♪ Because the slaw is so good

♪ That you ever saw

♪ You can break no more by one cole slaw

♪ It ain't nothing but some cabbage raw

♪ It can't be beat Goddammit, I can't even get a lousy cup of coffee.

Come on, Chuckie, did I sing something dirty or something?

Was it something you ate?

Where you going?

Hey, I seen a lot worse on your show, I'll tell you that, a lot worse, you stupid jerk.

Hey, you wouldn't know good talent if it fell on you.

That's it, that's it, I'm resigning my membership in your fan club.

We're finished, you understand?

Everything she says goes double for me, buddy, buddY!

I wouldn't play your game if you paid me!

That's right!

Your attention please, Western Airlines, flight number 322 for San Francisco, is now available for boarding at gate number five.

I've gotta find some place to go, where nobody will be able to find me again.

Where should I go?

Go to Paris.

Ah, they'll find me in Paris.

Hey, Chuckie baby.

How you doing?

I'll go to Rome.

Ah, they goose you in Rome, everybody gooses you.

I don't want to get goosed.

Go to Anchorage, that's where I'll go, Anchorage, Alaska.

Ah, it's too cold.

Hey, aren't you that little fella who does that TV show, The Gong Show?

Sure, sure, you are that guy, aren't you?

Yeah, I'm that guy.

Gee, that's a terrific show.

Can anyone get on that show, I'd love to get on that show.

I do a great imitation of Baryshnikov.

Umm, that's good.

Well, can I show it to you now?

I'm about to take an airplane, okay?

Okay, I'll catch you when you get back.

Can I help you, sir?

Where can I find the middle of the biggest desert in the whole world?

How about Morocco, sir?

Fine, I'll take a one-way ticket to Morocco.


Really, what are we doing here?

No, no, don't get UP-

Finding you is like looking for a camel in a haystack, pardon the mixed metaphor.

Now, Charles, all of the stations who canceled you want you back.

That's right, they're delighted you had your breakdown, or whatever the hell it is you had, because they know that after a breakdown comes peace.

You are peaceful, aren't you, Charles?

And the Red one loves you to death, she really does, Charles.

Take it from me, and she wants you back, too.

And to show you there are others who care, who really care, I've come with some, pardon the expression, buddies.

Quiet, everybody!

Charles, I know this is silly, but I've put some thoughts of mine into a little song, a desert song, and I'd like to sing it to you with a little help from my friends.

Milton, if you please.

♪ Don't get up, don't get up for me

♪ Don't get up, don't get up for me

♪ But if you do, I'm telling you

♪ You'll make me happy, through and through

♪ But don't get up, don't get up for me

♪ Everybody

♪ Don't get up, don't get up for me

♪ Don't get up, don't get up for me

♪ But if you do, I'm telling you

♪ You'll make me happy through and through

♪ But don't get up, don't get up for me

♪ Don't get up, just sit and sulk and pout

♪ Try to figure out what life's about

♪ You'll find yourself and lose the show

♪ Not to speak of all that dough

♪ But don't get up, don't get up for me

♪ Once again, everybody

♪ Don't get up, don't get up for me

♪ Don't get up, don't get up for me

♪ But if you do, I'm telling you

♪ You'll make me happy through and through

♪ Don't get up, don't get up for me

♪ Don't get up, just sit there in the sun

♪ I guess we'll never get that album clone

♪ If you guys think that bothers you

♪ Who's gonna listen to my...

♪ Don't get up, don't get up for me

♪ Don't get up, Dad, stay right where you are

♪ I guess I'll never be a movie star

♪ Without you there to push my ass

♪ I'll just end up pumping gas

♪ Don't get up, don't get up for me

♪ Don't get up, just let me say goodbye

♪ Because these ain't tears, it's just a little dye

♪ I was a star, thanks to you

♪ I guess my dancing days are through

♪ But don't get up, don't get up for me

♪ Don't get up, just let me have a kiss

♪ Just think of all the fun you're gonna miss

♪ The way we gave the censor fits

♪ Every time I flashed my little tits

♪ Don't get up, no, don't get up for me

♪ Don't get up, don't get up for me

♪ Don't get up, don't get up for me

♪ But if you do, I'm telling you

♪ You'll make me happy through and through

♪ But don't get up, don't get up for me

♪ Now listen, Chuck, what will be will be

♪ Your mind's made up, now that is plain to see

♪ Ain't that right, mama

♪ That's right

♪ But when your rotten clay is through

♪ Who be there to yell at you

♪ Don't get up, no, no, don't get up for me

♪ Being out of work ain't gonna bother us

♪ Having nothing to eat ain't gonna cause no fuss

♪ Ain't that right, mama

♪ That's right

♪ I could use some loss of weight

♪ But my poor mama's going to deteriorate

♪ Don't get up, no, no, don't get up for us

♪ Don't get up, don't get up for me

♪ Don't get up, don't get up for me

♪ But if you do, I'm telling you

♪ You'll make me happy through and through

♪ Don't get up, don't get up for me

♪ But if you do

♪ I'm telling you

♪ You'll make me happy through and through

♪ But

♪ Don't get up, don't get up for me

♪ Don't get up, don't get up for me

♪ Don't get up, don't get up for me

What do you say, Chuckie baby?

We've got a lot of shows to do.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, here's the host and star of the show, my wandering roommate, Chuck Barrie!

Here comes the Vatican Four!

♪ First you get down on your knees

♪ Fiddle with your rosaries

♪ Bow your head with great respect

♪ And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect

♪ Do whatever steps you want if

♪ You have cleared them with the pontiff

♪ And everybody say his own kyrie eleison

♪ Doing the Vatican rag

♪ Get in line in that processional

♪ Step into that small confessional

♪ There, the guy who's got religion'll

♪ Tell you if your sin's original

♪ If it is, try playing it safer

♪ Drink the wine and chew the wafer

♪ Two, four, six, eight

♪ Time to transubstantiate

♪ So get down upon your knees

♪ Fiddle with your rosaries

♪ Bow your head with great respect

♪ And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect

♪ Make a cross on your abdomen

♪ When in Rome, do like a Roman

♪ Ave Maria, gee, it's good to see ya

♪ Getting ecstatic and sorta dramatic and

♪ Doing the Vatican rag

Ladies and gentlemen, the Siamese Connection!

♪ Love

♪ Love will keep us together All right, what do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?

A dry Martinez!

All right, you know what turns my stomach?

Tits on my back, yo!

You know why they spell sex S-E-X?

Because you can't spell, hooah, oh, hooah!

Oh, I know you're all saying, does the Unknown Comic do impressions?

Well, does a snake have an ass?

I don't know!

Of course I do impressions, like to start off with a quick impression of an Eskimo going to the bathroom, all right.

Do you know what this is, folks?

It's a week supply of these.

Oh, Chuckie, come here, Chuckie.

Chuckie, Chuckie, Chuckie, Chuckie, Chuckie!

Hey, Chuckie baby, hey, Chuckie baby, I've got a joke for you that's going to make you look like an asshole.

Oh, you already heard it!

You know what the ugliest thing is on a girl?



You know the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper?


Here's the guy, we found him!

Hey, Chuck, Chuckie, come here.

You like sex?


Yeah, you like traveling?


Yeah, well, take a fucking hike.

Ladies and gentlemen, here comes Count Bani-uh'.!

Picture, if you will, old Vienna.

♪ Dr. Crawford, if you please

♪ Like I said

♪ That's right