The Happytime Murders (2018) Script

The city of angels.

A dirty sun-drenched beauty contest at the edge of the Pacific.

It's a melting pot of people who live together in harmony no matter what color or creed.

Why do those people get along so great?

Because there's one thing they have in common that lets them put aside their differences and celebrate together.


Hey, taxi.

The fact that they're not puppets.

Hey, hey! What?

Stupid puppet.

Hey, you can't...

You can't... You can't do that.

Fuck you!

Son of a dick.

'Cause although it ain't a crime to be warm and fuzzy, it might as well be.

Hey, so does this massage include a happy ending or not?

'Cause if you're a puppet, you're screwed.

Easy. There's no squeaky thing inside us.


Who am I? The name's Phil Philips.

I'm a PI, and my home is on the streets looking out for the felt because sure as shit no one else is.

And, uh, that's my office there.

It's a shithole on the edge of Chinatown.

♪ You've gotta dance ♪ Oh, uh, hiya, fellas, fancy a dance?

No, you stupid puppet.

Perhaps a song?

Let's take his eye.

What? Ow. No, no, fellas, cut it out!

You give that back right now.

Hey, hey. Give him his eye back.

It's too early for this crap.

What are you gonna do about it, you fluffy blue sock?


Ah, you little bastards.

Let's go, guys! Now get out of here.

Get out of here, all of you.

Look, times have changed.

You don't have to sing and dance for the man anymore.

Of course, I don't have to. I want to.

♪ 'Cause that's what puppets do ♪ Hiya, folks!

♪ Oh, when you tapping Only happy can happen ♪ Spare a penny? My wife's dead.


Well, I will, uh, happily relay your message.

Thank you.

Hey, Mr. P.

Oh, hey, there, Bubbles.

How are you, dear? Here's your Zuggler bar.

Oh, Mr. P, you're gonna give me a very fat butt.

Oh, come on, stop it. Any calls?

Uh, yeah, Detective Edwards called.

She wants you to call her back right away.

Did you tell her that I was in Minnesota attending a funeral because my Aunt Ruby tragically died in a Zamboni incident?

Of course. Yeah? What'd she say?

She said, "I'd like to sew your asshole shut

"and just keep feeding you, and feeding you, and feeding you."

That's a new one.


I guess she heard about those guys already.

Yeah. How'd that go this morning?

Good. For puppet poachers, they were real sweethearts.

100% pure puppet.

Straight from Tijuana.

Guaranteed to bring you good luck.

Don't you know that poaching puppets for their feet is illegal?

Holy crap, I'm exhausted.

So, yeah. I think it went very well.

Oh, we have a new client.

I put her in your office.

Detective Philips?

I... I used to be.

Not anymore, I'm a PI now.

How can I help you, Miss...

White, Sandra White.

I received this in the mail today.

Hmm. What's your secret?

Well, despite my bookish appearance, I'm a sexual I'mma.

What's that?

It means, if I'mma get next to it, I'mma gonna fuck it.

Come again? Exactly.

And again, and again, and again.

Mmm. I see.

If my proclivities were to be exposed, it would be devastating to my family.

Please, if you could help me, I would be so grateful.

Uh, I appreciate grateful, but it's $300 a day, plus expenses.


This ought to start you off.

Thank you, Mr. Philips.

I should've turned her down, but I like a little cushion for my cushion.

And I needed the money.

I've seen that "P" before.

The case was on, so I headed downtown to see a friend.

Actually, not really a friend, more of a disgusting acquaintance.


Hey, Vin, it's Phil.


Phil, wow. Hi. Hey...

Sweet mother of God, what the fuck are you doing back there?

Oh, yeah, it's Cows Gone Sour 2, Even Milkier.

Oh, that's good. Moo!

What the fuck?

Yeah, the Internet's killing me, so I'm creating my own content.

Oh, oh, oh!

Jesus Christ. Shut the curtains, would you?

All right, if it bothers you.

When did you get so squeamish?

When did I get squeamish? I'm not squeamish.

I'm not squeamish. Yeah, you are.

I just don't wanna watch an eight-arm reach-around, all right?


Uh, listen, do you have the latest issue of Puppet Pussy Party?


Puppet Pussy Party.

Yeah, I saw that... We got one just in. Let's see.

Oh, great. Felt Fetish Furburger.

Ass Puppet Jamboree.

Puppet Chicks With Puppet Dicks.


Here we go, Puppet Pussy Party.


That's right.

Bingo. Hmm?

Looks like this mystery is brought to you by the letter "P."

Oh, Phil, if you like pee, I have a whole rack of...

No. Excuse me, I don't... No, I don't like pee.

Vinny, I don't like pee. Oh.

I'm on a case.


Listen, um, do you keep a record of which customers bought what magazines?

Yeah, of course, Phil. We're fully NSA compliant.

Do you think I could see those?

Absolutely, um, it's in the office behind the theater.

Thanks, Vin. You know I appreciate it, huh?

You're welcome.

Oh! I apologize... Ooh!

Cheesy, creasy, so...


No Bumbly here.

No, it's Phil Philips, Larry's brother. You remember me.

No, I don't. I'm your average puppet, minding his own business.

All right, well, whatever floats your boat, pal.

Here's your Chicks With Big Asses.

Uh, that's not mine.

I'm a businessman, going to do my business, and I certainly don't have a crippling addiction to porn.

That's not yours? No!

Hey, you forgot your carrot.

Not mine.

Fucking rabbits.

Does that hurt?


You came here for pleasure!

But I will only give you pain!

Oh, you like that? Uh-huh.

Bark for me, bitch! Bark!

Jesus Christ.

You are my slave.

I will make you do all sorts of things for me.

Uh-huh. Pick up my laundry.

Here we go. Do my dishes.

Walk my dog.

I will pee on you like you're a hydrant.

Do you want that? Uh-huh.


You are a disgusting fireman.

Where is your dirty hose?

Where is your filthy hose?

Okay, take it easy. We're... I'm just gonna...

We're having a sale today, which is that you can have anything you want.

Cheesy, creasy.

Oh, God. This is oddly arousing.

Can't hold it.

Freeze, punk.

What the...

Please, I have 48 kids.


Now, a new kind of pleasure.

Hey, Vinny, I found it.

I'll bring it back when I... Jesus fluffing Christ!


Detective Connie Edwards. LAPD, Robbery Homicide Division.

We were partners once, back when I was a cop.

Look who's here.

Hey, why don't you sing us a puppet song, sweetheart?

Oh, yeah, I'd love to. It goes a little like this.

Fuck both of you.

Okay? We clear?

By the way, nobody really wears their hat, you dumb rookie.


You gotta be fucking kidding me. Jesus.

Oh, Philips.

Figures you'd be in the center of this shitstorm.

Ah, okay. Hey, everybody, it's Sherlock Holmes, world's greatest detective.

Hey, it's a pair of socks.

Very nice, very classy.

I'm a witness, you asshole.

You wanna take it outside? Yeah.

You know what I'm gonna do? What's that?

I'm gonna shred you into little bitty pieces, and I'm gonna put you inside a king-size pillowcase... Mmm-hmm.

...and I'm gonna have the best goddamn sleep of my life.

Yeah. That's very clever, that's very clever.

Did you pick that outfit out yourself? Huh?

Yeah, I un-sewed your mother, and I made a jacket out of her.

Nice. What a delicate little flower you are. Huh?

Yeah, thank you.

What the hell is going on here? Settle down.

He started it.

No, you started it. You started it.

Good to see you, Phil.

Uh, it's great to see you, Lieutenant.

And? "And good afternoon, Detective Edwards." Uh-huh.


Yeah, it looks like you, uh, got quite the little shotgun murder on your hands here.

They said you were in the back, but didn't hear anything.

That's not the Phil Philips I know.

Oh, well, uh, there was a porno blaring, dogs barking, fire hoses, you don't wanna know, sir.

No, I don't.

Edwards, what do you see?

Looks like a robbery gone bad to me.

Lieutenant, this wasn't a robbery, this was a hit.

What makes you think that?

Well, because the robber didn't take the money.


Lieutenant, uh, the press is here.

Wonderful. Am I free to go, sir?

No. Yes.

Yes, you are free to go. No one asked you.

No. Why would we let him go?

It's none of your business why I can go or not.

It's up to him, he's the lieutenant.

You are free to go.

You need to go out the back while I talk to these cretins.

The last thing this department needs is for anyone to see you here.

Yup, I'm still the department's dirty little puppet secret, huh?

Well, if the shoe fits. Fuck you.

Yeah, fuck you, too.

Fuck you more.

You're watching the Puppet Television Network.

It's Happytime!

Returning this fall, that motley crew of misfits that entertained you throughout the '90s.

At home with Jenny, Coach Lyle, Goofer the handyman, Mr. Bumblypants, and next-door neighbors Ezra and Cara, and, of course, Officer Larry Shenanigans.


You are under arrest for being too hot to handle.

So, tune in for the entire Happytime Gang, only on the Puppet Television Network.

Syndication, baby brother.

Oh, I am gonna make a killing on those royalty checks.

Looks like I'll finally be able to pay off my Scientology dues.

Yeah, too bad you can't buy your old nose back.

All right. This nose has been in more fluff than you can imagine.

So, uh, you're not concerned with Bumblypants being killed?

Bumbly would've wanted to die in a porn shop.

That was his heaven.

Excuse me. Hmm?

Are you Officer Shenanigans?

Uh, does this answer your question?

Freeze! You are under arrest for being too hot to handle. Too hot to handle.

Oh, my gosh! You got it.

Man, that is the greatest line of all time.

Yeah. I loved your show when I was a kid.


Are you a TV star, too?

Uh, no. I have a real job.

Ah, yeah, me, too. I sell weed.

Don't tell Officer Shenanigans.

Uh-oh! Someone's gonna get arrested. Ah, don't do it.

Jesus Christ.

Hey, I'll stalk you later. I want a selfie.

All right. Cool.

What a... What a sweetheart she was.

Damn it, Phil, Jesus!

Don't upset the fans.

Oh, those are your fans now, huh? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Sure, the ones that like that bleached skin and that human nose you got?

You know what, Phil, the Happytime Gang was groundbreaking. Okay?

It was the first network show starring puppets that was accepted by everyone.

People loved us, Phil.

Jeez, you don't have to deny the puppet part of yourself.

Phil, don't you remember when we were kids, huh?

I used to love watching you dance.

Who bent your boner?

Take your head out of your ass and look around.

It's their world, and we just live in it.

I know this is hard for you. What is?

That I'm the one who's going down in the history books.

Both Philips bros don't need to change the world.

You gave it a shot with your whole trying-to-be-a-cop thing.

Hey. I was a cop, and a damn good one.

Yeah, Phil, you were the first puppet cop and the last.

Move on.


What? ...I love you.

What? Where are you going?

But sometimes, you can be a real asshole.

You know, it's funny you should say that.

I don't actually have my real asshole anymore either.

Oh, Phil, it's on again.

Ah, what a wonderful surprise.

What are you harassing me for this time, Edwards?

I just happen to like the milkshakes here.

Oh, yeah? How many a day you up to now?

Or uh, you're just hitting the syrup, too?

You got to stop moving through the world like the laws don't apply to you.

Excuse me, excuse me.

You know what?

It'd serve you well to remember who the detective is around here.

'Cause it ain't you, Philips.

Puppets aren't cops.

Yeah, well, you saw to that, didn't you?

Oh, I think you got to take the credit for that one.

I mean, let's be honest, puppets just don't seem to be able to handle themselves in extreme pressure situations.

You know what, stay out of my way if you don't wanna get hurt.

All right, but what are you gonna do to me, huh?

You know, one of these days, you're gonna slip up, and I'm gonna be there waiting for you, Phil.

And I'm gonna take you down with extreme prejudice.

Well, nice choice of words, asshole.

You know what?

What are you doing? What the fuck are you doing to my car?

Goddamn son of a bitch.

Oh, I'm sorry, it must've slipped.

You're a goddamn menace!

Some marksman.

Oh, brother.

"Puppet cops won't shoot other puppets."

What a bunch of bullshit.

Yeah, come on in.

Hey, boss.

Hey, dear.

I'm taking off. Do you wanna get a drink?

Uh, no, I, uh, beat you to it.

I'm just gonna sit here alone, get nostalgic, and drink till I pass out.

Don't waste your time, Mr. P.

Most folks will never understand puppets.

No matter what they look like on the outside, they're fluffy and good on the inside.

Not like people.

You got a big heart, kid.

Good night, Phil Philips.

Good night, Bubbles.

Here we go.

Hey, you ready for this?

It's The Happytime Gang Season 4 wrap party.

Wow. I shot the video myself.

Hey, Larry coming to you live with the party cam! Whoo-hoo!

Your skin was so blue and puppety back then.

You're way hotter now.

Yeah, couple of felt tucks and a quarter-cup of bleach...

Here I am.

Let me see you work it, Bumblypants.

Ooh, Ezra and Cara.

Those two are cousins.

They're married with kids now. Ooh!

Goofer, need a drink, buddy?

No, I'm good. Thanks, Lawrence.

Goof! Whoo!

Liley, the Wildman!

There's Jenny.

All right, freeze.

Oh, here comes my brother with his partner.

Freeze, police!

We've had a lot of complaints regarding this party.

That there's not enough tequila!

Phil used to be so much fun.

Hey, babe, you made it. I'm off duty.

Let's party all night.

Hey, why don't you go and mix us up a fresh batch of margaritas, huh?

Oh, sure thing.



I like your robe.

You like that?

Yeah, that blue matches my pubes.

Hey, Britty, hurry back 'cause this hot tub is too hot to handle without you.



Bad dogs! Bad dogs!

They were such bad, bad dogs.

Larry! Get out of my way. Get out of my way!

Where is he? I said get out of my way!

Phil, this isn't how you wanna remember Larry.

Just gotta see him.

Lieutenant, I think I found the murder weapon.

That fucking dog!

Get the dog out of here. Okay, I'm sorry!


Looks like someone had themselves a real pinata party, huh?

Son of a... Hey, now.

Knock it off, you two.

Aah! Get your teeth out of my tit!


You bit my dick!

You two need to start behaving like goddamn adults.

I'm sorry.

I didn't recognize that it was Larry.

I mean, he used to be, you know, a lot bluer.

I don't know if that's PC to say.

What is that supposed to mean, "a lot bluer"?

It means he was bluer before.

I don't know how else to say... I can't say "blue"?

Fucking racist.

There was a time when you two were the most decorated officers in this department.

Your clearance rates were double anybody else's.

What you had was magic.

Just like when that motherfucker David Copperfield makes it snow inside.

That's not even that good of a trick.

It's, like, two mirrors and a laser, and I can do that.

What are you, fucking Houdini now?

Maybe I am Houdini. I'd like to see you disappear.

Stop it!

You're gonna work together on this.

Excuse me, what?

Oh, come on, this jackwad is the reason that puppets can't be cops anymore.

He missed on purpose that day.

Not true.

Everybody knows puppets don't shoot puppets.

The Philips Code prohibits me from having a puppet as a partner.

That's true. I'm Philips. He's the Philips.

They hated him so much, they made a code about him.

I'm not reinstating him as a police officer, I'm bringing him on as a consultant.

No, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not working with this asshole.

Well, right back at you.

You wanna cry about it? I'll park you behind a desk.

You don't cooperate, and I'll bite you in the dick, too.

Look, Lieutenant, nobody turns my brother into a chew toy and gets away with it.

I'm gonna catch the bastards who did these murders.


I mean, no offense, I don't wanna start anything, but, what, did I miss another body around here?

No, whoever killed Larry also took out Mr. Bumblypants.

Bumblypants was the target there.

What's the connection?

The Happytime Gang. The Happytime Gang.

I hated the idea of having to work with a partner again, but I owed it to Larry.

He was my brother and, deep down, I loved the dumb son of a bitch.

What do you know about this Ronovan Scargle?

He produced The Happytime Gang, and he's your typical shyster, meat sack piece of shit.

Can you roll down the window, for Christ's sake?

Okay. Well, you know what, do you mind?

You don't mind if I have one of your cigarettes, do you?

No, go ahead. You know what, I'm gonna take two.

Now, we're... Now, we're having a good time.

Isn't it nice just to relax?

It's delicious, it's like springtime in Beijing.

We just wanna thank you for taking the time to speak with us today.

Well, I'm always happy to indulge our local law enforcement, no matter how masculine and unkempt they are.

Ah, well, I didn't think I was unkempt.

No, no, you're the masculine, he's the unkempt.


Okay. We will just stick to, uh, some questions, okay?

Now, do you have any idea why someone may want to murder Augustus Bumblypants or Larry Shenanigans?

It's a tragedy, what happened.

I gave your brother and Augustus Bumblypants their start.

Yeah, you also gave him a bullshit deal where your cut was 60%.

Hey. That is standard operating procedure.

Puppets are dumb.

Fucking dick.

Well, we would like to, uh, take a look at that contract for the syndication deal.

Well, I'm afraid that's private information.

And who would care about a puppet's share in a contract anyway, right?

I mean, all those little dummies want to do is sing and dance, am I right?

What did you say, "dummies"?

Yeah, that is right. Mmm-hmm.

When you're right, you're right.

I can't help noticing this impressive view. Oh.

For an impressive man.

Thank you very much.

I don't take compliments well, but I get them all the time.

That's charming.

Listen, you and I both know that these puppets wouldn't know a good deal if it was staring them right in the googly eyes.

What the fuck did you just say?

Hey, Phil, why don't you let the grown-ups talk for a minute, okay?


Don't worry, he retains very little information.

Oh, my God, is that the ocean over there?

Yep, that's the Pacific.

I had to lobby for two years to get that children's hospital cleared to make that ocean view possible.

Wow. Here's the thing, you and I both know that this is like puppet bullshit here, but I'm just afraid this asshole is gonna make me pull a warrant.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are these here?

Please, don't touch my balls.

They're made of Tibetan marble.

They're very expensive. Don't touch his balls.

Ah, I apologize, I didn't mean to cup your balls.

Down there. What, do you have alligator arms? Get it!

Okay, here's the thing.

You seem great, and I don't wanna have to call a judge on you, you know, 'cause you know that mess.

But little puppets have big mouths, right?

Mmm. I have puppet servants at home, and they get real uppity if I don't keep them in line.

Holy shitcakes!

Have you lost your mind? Fuck him.

How else was I supposed to get that fucking thing without him seeing it?

Literally any other way than what you just did.

Any other way.

Oh, yeah? I never knocked a guy out with his own balls before.

According to the contract, The Happytime Gang TV show is about to be sold into syndication.

"The seven principal Happytime Gang cast members

"are guaranteed to split the $10 million up front."

$10 million? Right.

Now, "If a member dies, then his or her spouse gets the share.

"If there is no spouse, "then the share is divided equally among the remaining living cast members."

Hmm. So, Ronovan really doesn't benefit if the cast shrinks.

Yeah, I guess I didn't have to knock him out with his own balls.

Yeah, well, somebody from inside The Happytime Gang is looking for a bigger piece of the pie.

Yeah, and they're not gonna stop until they're the only one left standing.

At least then we'd know who the killer is.

All right, just slow down, here comes the street up here.

To find the killer, we needed to look into the remaining Happytime Gang members one by one.

We started down on Skidder Row, the Stuffing Ghetto, where the sugar is cheap and the sex is cheaper.

Looks like, uh, Coach Lyle's got himself a bit of a criminal record.

You know, back in The Happytime Gang days, Lyle was as straight as an arrow.

Well, looks like his arrow got bent.

This is it.

Okay, can we please just be professional and keep a low profile?

Of course.

Hey, look, it's the NRA.

Get in here.

Okay, all right. Take it easy.

Take it easy. Come here, you.

Come on. All right, all right, all right.

Phil Philips, what a surprise. It's been a while.

Hey, Lyle.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but we don't allow humans in our game.

Oh, no, no, no, wait, you don't understand.

She's not all human. Shut up, Phil.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Edwards, tell them.

Fine, I have a puppet liver.


Bullshit. Prove it. No way.

Bring her ass over here.

What are you gonna do? Cut me open?

Roxy? Yeah.

Look at this, Sacramento Red Hot.

Grade-A hyper sucrose.

It'll put a human in a diabetic coma for a month, but to a puppet, pure ecstasy.

I'm not doing that.

Do it, meat sack, take it.

Oh, sorry about your dead human friend, Philips.

Wait for it.


That is good shit.

Well, fuck me.


She said she might. Ha-ha. That's funny!

Shit, this woman crazy.

Somebody get more of this!

Boy, that's great! Whoo!

Hey, wait a minute, now.

Hey, put that... No, don't do that.

We're laughing together.

You're my favorite.

Half-puppet cop?

Never heard of that before.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Hey, listen, I need to ask you a few questions, if you don't mind.

Oh, sure, sure.

Listen, I'm sorry about Larry, man.

He was all right, even after the bleach job.

Yeah, thanks.

You know, most fleshies don't give a fuck when one of us drops.

That doesn't make it okay.

You're absolutely right.

Here's to Larry, man.

To Larry.

Yeah, ashes to ashes, and fluff to fluff, man.

Flush to the motherfucking queen.

Eat it so much, bitch.

I'd love to eat it so much, but I have a sensitive tummy, which may be because I got a full boat, you Kremlin piece of shit.

Oh, it's okay, babe...

Get me some more lean.

Okay. Motherfucking bitch.

I just never really cared for that word, if you must know.

You're one crazy fucking bitch.

Bitches be crazy.

"Bitches be crazy," right?

Am I right? I mean, that guy knows.

Yeah, you're really nailing my views on women.

Right, and we know. Women... Women love you?

They do not. They decline.

Here's the thing, though.

Would a crazy fucking bitch do this?


Maybe, but a crazy bitch would do this.


How about you apologize to Roxy and all the other fine ladies here tonight for your disparaging remarks?

Yeah, Junkyard.

I'm sorry, bitches.

Uh-uh-uh. Better tone, same shitty words.

Let's try it again.

I'm sorry, beautiful ladies.


How does that feel, Roxy?


I... I feel better.

Oh, you feel better, too? Mmm.

Oh. Not really our goal.

Get a diaper for your fucking mouth.


You're gonna feel that tomorrow.


I hope you don't mind me asking, but, uh, what the hell happened to all your Happytime money?

Shit. After Loretta and the kids left, I blew all that cream on panty-pie and poody-glitter.

Jeez, I'm sorry to hear that.

You know where you're going?

Right up my snoot.

That's where you... You're gonna go.

"Where are we going? Where will we live?" In my nose.

Hey, uh, who're your friends?

Gonna scope it out.

Lyle, stay. Don't get...

Jesus Christ.

This is not a good idea.

You see anything?

They're not friends of mine.

Oh, shit! Lyle!




All right...

Son of a bitch.


Where the fuck were you?

I was in the can. Doing what?

Can stuff.

Jesus Christ.

Here comes the lieutenant. Just hold your shit together.

Okay. I am. I have my shit held together.

What the hell happened here?

Well, somebody was trying to make it look like an old-school drive-by.

Look, Lieutenant, this makes three Happytime Gang cast members dead in a week.

May I say something now?

Please, go. What?

I'd also like to point out that that makes three Happytime cast members dead within the week.

I just said that.

You both just said it.

Well, then we're fighting on the same side.

It's like we're Apache-Comanche together, and no one, no one is coming in with the suit jackets made and taking over their land.

What're you talking about?

I'm talking about Apaches.

Apaches? What? What did you say?

We owe them.

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

Can we just stick to what's going on here, please?

I'd love to. I'd love to. Okay.

What's your deal, Edwards?

My deal? I'm a Virgo, I'm not currently seeing anybody, but I'm hopeful.

Not the dating game.

She's got a little cold. She's taking medication, right?

For the cold. So, she gets a little loopy.

Aw, I am getting a little loopy. Stop it.

Back to this. Yeah. Thank you.

So, what're we gonna do, Lieutenant?

I can put a black and white on Jenny, but Ezra and Cara live in Lancaster.

That's out of my jurisdiction.

And nobody even knows where Goofer is.

Reportedly, he was last sighted somewhere near the Santa Monica Pier.

Also, I have also noted that that's three Happytime cast members that have been killed in one week.

What the fuck?

The next morning, we decided it'd be smarter if we quit holding each other's proverbial dicks and split up.

Edwards headed out to the beach to look for Goofer, and I stopped by the office to check in.

Hey, Mr. P. Heya, Bubbles.

Any calls?

No, but Sandra White is in your office.

Oh, shit. I completely forgot about that.

There she was.

Her hair red like fire.

Her ass hot like fire.

Ms. White.

Mr. Philips, the blackmailer sent another note.

There's a photo this time.

Jenny Peterson.

Of course I knew her.

The one human member of The Happytime Gang and a sexy skeleton in my closet.

It was taken at a place called...

Star Showgirls.

I recognize the pole.

I sometimes enjoy the company of a lady.

Hell, who doesn't?


Can you think of anyone who could be behind this?

That's just the thing...

I have quite an appetite.

You seem shocked.

Have I made you uncomfortable?

A little.

I have something for that.

Hey, hey. Hey, what's gotten into you?

I'm hoping you.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

There's a little voice in my head that is saying, "This is not a good idea."

Tell it to shut up and watch.

What's it going to be, Phil?

Yeah! Yes!

Oh, hello.

Lieutenant Banning, police.

Bubbles, secretary.

Is Phil in?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Well, he's in something.

Here comes the choo-choo!

Yeah, choo-choo.

Yeah. I'm a freight train.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! I'm a caboose, baby.

Oh, boy.

He's servicing a client right now. Can I get you a coffee?

Yes! Faster, faster, faster!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Is that what I think it is?

Well, what do you think it is?

Here I go. Here I go. Here I go. Give it to me.

Oh, baby. Oh, my.

Yeah! Yeah!

Okay. I'm lightheaded, I'm lightheaded.

Oh, my.


Oh, yes. Yes.


You boys want some Fiddle Faddle?

No, I do not.

Clean up on Aisle Phil.

Hope your meeting is as satisfying as mine was.

Have a nice day.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait for... Wait for... Wait...

Oh, hey. Hey, Lieutenant.

Hey, Phil.

Uh, who's your friend?

Special Agent Campbell, FBI. What a pleasure.

We need to discuss where you were when the murders went down.

All right. Let me, uh...

How about you come with us so we can ask you some questions?

That's fine, let me just tidy up for a sec.

Excuse me.

Shit! God damn it!

I want an APB out on that sock now!

Agent Campbell... This is out of your hands.

You just got a little something on your arm.

Have you seen this guy? No.

Anything? No.

See this guy?

Have you seen this guy?

See this guy?

How're you doing?

Uh, I'm looking for this guy. Have you seen him?

I sense that you are searching.

Yeah, I just told you I was looking for a guy, so you knowing that does not mean you're psychic, it means you can hear me.

Just tell me, yes or no. Have you seen him?

No. I ain't seen him.

Now, fuck off. You're bad for business.

Yeah, go fuck yourself.

Fuck you. Fuck you, too.

Hey, man. Have you seen this puppet?


You know, I think he...

Jacob, we don't talk to meat sacks. Jesus Christ.

Oh, yeah, what Chuck said. Ooh! Show us your titties.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, come on.

That can't actually be your shtick with women.

That has never worked for you, am I right?

Sure it does. Never.

It does. Doesn't.

Once. I doubt that.

I doubt that very much for you.

Come on, baby, I can tell you've had crabs before.

Here, come on... I told you...

Chuck! Chuck! Chuck! I warned you.

Oh, yeah, she wants me.

Okay, all right.

Have you seen this puppet?

All's I know is, is that he's a real sugar smack, and he's probably holed up in that sugar den over on San Julian Street.

Thank you. Jesus Christ.

Gotta work for that...

Oh... No! You don't... Ow!

If you're gonna eat it, you don't get it.

I'm hungry.

Well, you should've bought 20 bucks of food, dumbass.

I knew if the feds had me in the slammer, there's no way I could find the real killer.

Most of all, I wanted to protect my old flame, Jenny.

I still had a soft spot for her.

Hell, I still had a hard spot for her.

All units be advised.

Be on the lookout for ex-puppet cop Phil Philips.

Blue male, three and a half feet tall.

Last seen fleeing on foot from 1643...

Oh, boy.

Her makeup is so tasteful.

Oh, look at that. Oh, wow.

Yeah, twirl, baby. Whoo! Yes.

Yes. Carousel.

This is arousing my Peter Rabbit. Yes.

She's got her hands on my carrot.

Give me the carrot. Give me the carrot. Is this the carrot?

We are not in the briar patch anymore, boys. Whoo!

You want some carrot, huh?

Oh, yeah. Give it to us. Give it to us.

Make it rain! Peel on me.

It feels like Easter in my pants. Ahh...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do it, do it. Bite the tip!

Jenny, the one that got away.

As you can see, she's the kind of girl you take home to momma.

I just made carrot soup.

Well, hello. I didn't think you were coming around here no more.

We need to talk.

Okay. Give me a minute.

I don't know her.

I can't remember every puppet comes in here to get a freak on.

All right, fair enough.

What is it with this casual attitude?

Well, how am I supposed to be?

Well, you might be a little worried since three Happytime Gang members are dead, and you could be next.

I'm trying not to think about it.

I got cops on me.

I don't know what you expect me to do.

I got to keep working till the money from the show comes through.

What do I want you to do? I want you to take it more seriously.

Jesus Christ, Phil.

Can't you see I'm trying, you know, to...

I'm trying to forget about all that.

You were always so controlling.

All right, I'm sorry.

I loved you.

Hey. Hey...

I just don't want to see you get hurt, all right?

Hey. Hey, hey. You want some sugar?

Glucose, fructose, corn syrup... No, thanks.

Hey, hey.

Hey, fella.

Hey, handsome.

Are you looking for some rotten cotton?

I'm a woman.

That's okay. Yeah, that's even better.

Got a good time for you.

You live your truth, baby.

♪ Peanut buttercup

♪ Gonna get fucked up, sugar ♪ Better get that damn light out of my eye.



Hey. Goofer. Mmm-hmm.

Ugh. God.

Are you kidding me?

Do you have some sugar for Goofer, friend?

I just want to know what you know about the Happytime murders.

Goofer give you a happy time.

For 50 cents, I'll suck your dick.

Well, it's a great price.

It makes me wish I had a dick for you to suck.

Yeah. I'm gonna, um, take that as a yes.

God damn it!

Do not come at me like that. Do you want me to go for my gun?


Unless you're talking about your penis.

Then maybe.

Hey, you don't come at me like that.

For 50 cents Goofer will give you a felty.

A felty? No.

I'll give you what I call the "Continental Hot Sock."

I don't want anything hot from you.

I will need a gallon of kombucha and some oatmeal.

No. It's only 50 cents.

Just answer my question. What do you know about the Happytime murders?

They're married. The wife.

Married? Whose wife? What did you say?

The wife. Where?

Yeah. You've got it. The wife of who?

You're my wife?

I don't remember getting married, but you're pretty cute for a fella in a suit.

I said "wife" because you said "wife." Are you saying wife?

The wife!

The wife...

I peed on that mirror.

You better get checked 'cause that shit is salty.

It's fine, I know the plan.

I'll call you when I check into a motel. All right?

You promise? Yeah. I promise.

I just want you to be safe.

Do you remember the first time you ever walked me to my car?

Of course I do.

It was the first time we met. Larry's birthday at the, um...

The Formosa. The Formosa.

Yeah, you were so sweet.

Making sure I was safe.

Well, I'd never met anyone like you before.

You ever feel like me and you should, um...

Start over?

Uh, Jenny, I'm poison.

I poisoned me and you, I poisoned my career.

Hell, I poisoned every good puppet's chance of ever becoming a cop.

That wasn't your fault. It doesn't matter.

I still feel sick about it every goddamn day.

Every poison has an antidote.

Good night, Phil Philips.

Good night, Jenny.

Yeah, it was great seeing Jenny again...

...reminded me that somewhere in my stuffing-filled chest was still a...



Shit, shit, shit. Freeze, Philips!

My head was spinning.

Larry, Jenny. Everyone in this world I care about was getting knocked off.

I just needed to lay low, and as much as I hated to admit it...


There was only one place I could go.

Oh, dear God.

She's a complete sugar smack.

You awake?

Oh, no.

Drop the fucking gun.

Drop your gun, or I'm gonna fucking kill her!

Take the fucking shot, Phil.

Need a clean shot.

You're a puppet, not a fleshy.

Why are you messing with me? Take the fucking shot!

Take the shot, Phil!

Bye-bye, puppet.



No, no, no, no, no!

No! Daddy!

Multiple shots fired.

Civilian casualty and officer down. Sixth and Grand.

Edwards, Jesus Christ.

What the fuck, Phil? How could you miss him?

I'm sorry, I choked. You're gonna be all right.

Hey, hey, hang on. You just hang on, you understand?


A little help here? Can you get me some help?

Out of the way, incoming.

Dr. Trevor, we have a fleshy with a bullet wound through the liver.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing? She's been shot.

No, no, no, we don't treat humans here.

We only have parts for puppets.

She's dying, Doc.

I'm sorry, I cannot do anything about it. It's unethical.

You're gonna save my partner's life, or you're gonna die trying.

Phil, wake up.

Wake up, Phil. Wakey-wakey!

Wake up, Phil.

Wake up, Phil.

Phil, wake up! Hey, hey.

Did you fucking break into my house?

I, uh... I had nowhere else to go.

And, uh, Jenny's dead.


Yeah. They think I did it.


I'm sorry, Phil. Yeah.

Did you clean my apartment?

Yeah. You got a problem with that? It's just weird.

It's like stealing somebody's car just so you can put new fucking tires on it.

I don't know how to take this. Are you gonna get that, or what?


By the way, you sleep with your mouth wide open.

Like this.

Shut up. Who sleeps like that?

Uh, um...

Yeah, I was... I saw Goofer last night. What? Who is this?



What? No. It's just, this doesn't sound like something Phil...

Who is it? Yes, sir.

Crystal clear. Oh, shit.

Uh, no. I haven't seen him. No. Yes, sir.

Is it the lieutenant? Yes, sir.

What? What? What?

Goofer's washed up.



Looks like a pretty classic smash and splash.

Beat his head in, threw him off the pier.

Man, I thought he smelled bad alive.

You guys might wanna look away.

This will not be pretty.

Ah, Christ.

Edwards, is your history with Philips gonna be a problem here?

No, it's not.

If he did it, I'll bring him in myself.

If he makes any contact, I wanna know immediately.

What's in the cooler?

My lunch. I get very hungry for cold foods.

Okay. Drop him in.

There we go.

God, I hate the beach.

You know, that Agent Campbell is a real douchebag.

You trying to asphyxiate me?

Hey, I said a backpack, you said the cooler. So...

Yeah. I said a cooler with holes. There's no holes.

A wife, huh?

So, it's gotta be Ezra and Cara.

Yeah. Why don't we pay a little visit to those creepy kissing cousins?

All right, let's go. You wanna help me get the hell out of here?

Oh, yeah. All right, don't worry. Jesus Christ.

I think you might have done some irreparable damage.

That's my neck. Well, let me just...

I'm gonna try something. Go ahead.

That's my balls! What are you doing? Oh, God.

Jesus Christ! I thought it was your shoe.

God damn it. There you go, there you go.

Okay, okay. Attaboy, attaboy.

It's like a fucking birth.

Ezra and Cara, the kissing cousins hadn't made a public appearance in years.

They moved out to the middle of nowhere, had a couple of kids, which is fucked up, if you ask me.

But it was a two-hour drive, and Edwards had gone moody as shit, which didn't make the time go any faster.

You're quiet.

What, did you take a vow of silence?

What, are you a monk now?

No, I'm not a monk.

Actually, I don't know what the hell I am anymore.

What're you talking about?

Well, what am I? Am I a human? Am I a puppet?

Truth is, I'm neither.

I'm just scratching and clawing from one sugar fix to the next.

Neither side wants me, and I don't blame them.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I missed that day.

I'm sorry I shot the wrong guy.

I'm sorry a little girl lost her father.

I'm sorry you're struggling.

But I'm glad you're still here.

What the fuck is this?

What? What are you asking me for?

Turn that shit off. You're making fun of me?

It's your car, it's on your radio.

I didn't put it on.

It says right there. Well, it's not your...

It says, look, "Paired with Edwards' phone" or something. Look.

I don't even have that... Turn it off. in... I will turn it off. Why won't these work?

Jesus Christ, turn it off.

It's like a tampon commercial in here.

Stop yelling at me! You know what...

How many pockets do you...

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Jesus Christ!

You wanted it off?

Now it's off.

What the... You fucking... You shot your fucking radio.

Whoo! I shot my radio. You're out of your fucking mind.

Oh, I feel better.

Oh, my God! Oh, Christ.

There's my phone. What?

You know what? Yeah, that was me.

Looks like we beat the rush.

Yeah, well, they killed the whole gang.

They're not coming out without a fight.

Well, let's give them one, partner.

Partner? Shut up.

Here. Better safe than dead.

What? You still have this?

I'm a bit of a hoarder. I think you missed me.

All right, I'll take the front.

I'll take the back. Meet you in the middle.

Yep. Just like old times.

Damn it.

All right. I'll huff...

And I'll puff, and I'll blow your fucking door down!

Hey. Hey, where is your mommy and daddy?

That's why you don't swim in your own gene pool.

They don't have a fucking chance.

What was that? What the hell did you see?

We gotta call child services.


It's like Children of the Corn.

You want chili with corn?

What? What the fuck is "chili porn"?


I can't read your lips, you're a fucking puppet.

What the fuck are you... I don't even know what you're talking about!

All I'm seeing is that you look like a cloth vagina.

I'm not whispering, I'm not...

Ezra? Cara?

We got you surrounded.


Nobody has to get hurt.

Don't make this harder than it has to be.

Oh, no. Jesus...


Freeze! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Freeze, Philips!

You guys got this all wrong. The killer's getting away.

Put the weapon down!

Drop the weapon! Okay. I'm dropping it.

Aw, shitcakes.

Edwards! Drop the weapon!

Put the weapon down!

Drop the weapon! I did!

Now! What?

Somebody want to help out Stevie Ray Vaughan here?

'Cause he's obviously fucking blind.

Stevie Ray Vaughan is not blind.

Jesus Christ. Asshole says what?


This is my last warning.

Put the weapon down! It is dropped.

She dropped it. It's on the fucking ground.

Oh. Sorry.

Go arrest them.

You can't actually like me for these murders.

We like you very much for these murders.

What's my motive? The reason most men do stupid things.

A woman.

Enjoy the show.

What the hell is she doing here?

Who is that?

It's Sandra White. She's one of my clients.

Actually, her name is Sandra Peterson.

She walked into the federal building this morning and said you murdered her wife, Jenny Peterson.

Hey, I didn't murder anybody.

I didn't know Jenny was even married.

Neither did I.

Let's listen in.

Well, he said that he killed them.

The entire Happytime Gang, even his own brother.

What? And why would he do that?

We've been having an affair, and he wanted to run away together.

He said he killed them all so that I would get my wife Jenny's share, and then I'd be rich, and he could have me all to himself.

I should have kept my fuzzy blue in my pants.

Shut up, Phil.

And how long had you been having this affair?


We'd rendezvous at his office.

I saw you there, remember?

Just like the French.

Well, I guess now we know the purple carpet doesn't match the drapes.

I think we've heard enough.

What? This is a setup.

Sandra White came to me as a client and sent me to that porno shop.

She orchestrated the whole thing.

Jesus, Phil.

You were there when every member of the Happytime Gang was murdered.

My hands are tied. Lieutenant, come on.

Get him out of here.

Lieutenant, what're you doing? Come on with...

No, this is ridiculous. Come on.

Okay. All right. All right, tough guy.

Come on, guys. You don't really have to cuff him, do you?

Edwards, you know I'm innocent. Get me out of here.


Hey, Campbell.

Listen, I know that Philips is a pain in the ass, but you don't actually like him for this, do you?

Philips was at every murder scene, and we have a witness to prove it.

What else do you want, Edwards?

I mean, you of all people going to bat for a goddamn puppet.

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

I'm sticking up for him because my gut is telling me that Philips didn't do this.

Yeah, well, of course your gut is saying that, it's full of puppet fluff.

You're a fucking asshole.

Listen to yourself, or is that your liver talking?

You fucking... Hey, hey, hey!

Knock it off, you two!

You sugared fuck! Get away!

Get off of me! Knock it off!

God, you two! Get off!

That's it! You're done, Edwards.

Consider yourself suspended.

Give me your badge. Yeah. Great. Here.

Fucking choke on it.

Fuck all of you guys.

Fuck you, Wreach. You know what?

It's my fucking charger that you never asked for and you never gave back.

Nice. You all fucking suck.

Yeah, yeah. Burn every bridge. Good.

And you know what? Everybody knows Karen is not a real redhead.

I'm a real redhead. No, you're not.

You had enough bush coming out of your cutoffs at the family picnic to fucking choke a horse. Jeez.

Carol, we never got to talk, but you seem cool.

And I wish I would've fucked you, Donny.

It's not too late.

It's not.

Oh, God damn it.

How the hell did you get in here?

It was actually very easy.

I just picked the lock, it took me, like, under a minute.

Oh, great. Apparently anybody who wants to can just walk right into my apartment.

Great. Listen, I need your help to save him.

Do you know what they'll do to a puppet ex-cop in prison?

They will tear out all of his stuffing and fill him back up with rice pilaf.

And then they'll fuck it. Okay, just...

They fuck that rice pilaf until it's more like a mashed potato.


It's a term they call "pilafing."

All right, all right, all right. Move.

You think you are the only one thinking about this stuff?

I think about pilafing all the time.

I'm not talking about pilafing.

I've been searching public records on Sandra White, and guess what I found?

Nothing. There is no Sandra White before two years ago.

She didn't exist. Can I have one of those bananas?

What? No, you can't. No.

And what do you mean she didn't exist? Everybody exists.

Social Security numbers, tax records.


But I tailed her to a rat trap of an apartment in Hollywood.

What's she doing in a Hollywood apartment?

She's got a big place up in the Palisades.

You know what? I don't care and I don't wanna know.

And you shouldn't be following people, Bubbles.

It's dangerous.

We are the only people in the world that can save Phil.

And I can't do it by myself

'cause I wear heels.

I occasionally wear heels.

I don't think so.

Come on.


Yeah! No.


Okay, I see it. I see the number.

I don't think anybody's there.

All right, I'm gonna get us in.

What the fuck are you doing with the banana?

I got it from your apartment.

Jesus, put it away. I'm gonna get us in.

Watch for me. No, no, no.

Move out of the way. You're so dramatic.

What, do you rob houses on the weekends? Shh!


Well, a girl's got to be resourceful.

Come in. Shut the door.


Something doesn't feel right.

I'm not buying that two women live here.

I'm not buying that anybody lives here.

There's no photos or personal items.


Look at this, nothing.

Is that the bedroom back there?

It's the bathroom.


We got another room back there.

What? There's a room behind this.

Help me. Come on, help me. This?

Push it.

Ooh. Wow! God.

Oh, boy, that's creepy.

You don't see that every day.

Okay, stand back.

Stand back, I'm going to get us in. I don't need...

I got it. I don't need. I got it. I've got it.


I blew my hymen.

That looks really painful.

Ooh, my under-chassis.

I'm gonna have to ice my junk.

It was relatively easier than the other.

Okay. Wait, wait... Okay.

Okay, stand... Can you please give me...

I'm so sorry. Don't hold my hand.

I won't. I won't.

God, you're so... You're...

I'm so... Stop touching me.

I'm so nervous. Stop touching me.

Oh, my God.

We've got ourselves a good old-fashioned nutjob.

Jeez, this must have taken years.

This is one sick fuck.

She's got them all.

Detective Edwards, look.

Why, she's got a real sweet spot for our boy Phil, huh.

Poor Mr. P.

Oh, my God. Wait a minute.

What a psycho.

What the hell's she doing with the picture of Jasper Jackabee and his daughter?

Purple hair on a puppet, that's very rare.

Oh, my God.

I saw you there, remember?

I guess the carpet does match the drapes.

I knew this skirt was see-through.

I just don't like wearing underwear. I don't like the way it feels.

I'm not talking about you.

Sandra White is Jackabee's daughter.

What a fucking psycho bitch.

This room is like a signed confession from her.

Also proves that Phil is innocent.

We got her.

"Play me"? No, no, no! Don't touch it!


Oh, my God! Get out!

Go, go, go.


You know I have no bones, right?

You're basically fluffing a pillow here.

Knock it off.

Philips, you got a visitor.

Let's go!

All right. Well, I'll see you later, Tommy.

I just need five minutes.

Jesus Christ, Phil, you look terrible.

Yeah? Well, at least I didn't get fucking pilafed.

I gotta go. Okay, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Listen, I know I didn't have your back before, but I had no juice to do it with, and now I do.

The Happytime murders aren't about the money.

Twenty years ago, when you shot that man in front of his daughter, that little girl was Sandra White.

Holy shit. Yeah, holy shit.

So, you have proof?

Yes and no. We had proof until it was incinerated.


Bubbles and I may have accidentally, uh, burned down the evidence.

What? But, boy, before that, I'll tell you what, lock her up.

That would have been great, huh?

Would have been epic.

Would have been nice. Yeah.

See you at my execution.

Look, if we want to get you off the hook for this, we gotta take down Sandra White.

All right.

What are you thinking, partner?

I am thinking about busting your ass out of here.

Okay. What are you gonna do?

Wait, what are you doing?

I'm gonna shoot you in the arm.

You did shoot me in the arm!

Officer needs assistance!

Self-defense! There's been a shooting! Oh, God!

What are you, some kind of qualified tailor?

Just let me do my job, pal, okay?

To me, that's a waste of good gauze.

Yeah, I hear you.


Shut up, you dirty sock.

Yeah, pal?

I can't believe you fucking shot me.

Here, get yourself out. I'm gonna get that.

Thought you were gonna bite me in the dick again.

Boy, puppets are the worst, huh?

Does this smell like chloroform to you?


Good night, asshole.

Driver, can I ask you a quick question? No, no. Wait for a red light.

Gotta go.

Philips Investigations.

Slow, slow, slow, slow, slow down!

Tell us what you got, Bubbles.

Sandra booked a private plane to Rio that leaves out of Santa Monica in 30 minutes.

Shit. Jesus Christ.

All right, thanks, Bubbles, you're a real peach.

Go get her.

Let's hit it, let's go, let's go.

All right, all right, I'm going hot and loud.

Okay. How do you wanna do this?


What? Oh, my God.

Phil, give me my gun. Hey, hey, hey.

I ruined your life once before, I'm not doing it again.

This is crazy, we're partners.

You know this is not what partners do.


Oh, um, excuse me, sir. This is a private terminal.

You clearly are not wealthy enough to be here.

You need to get the fuck outta here.

Stay calm, Mike. Just shimmy out like Mommy told you to.

Freeze. It's over, Sandra.

What are you gonna do, shoot me?

I messed up, Sandra.

I missed the shot, and I ruined all of our lives in the process, and I live with that guilt every day.

I'm sorry.

That's so sweet. But go fuck yourself.

Larry and Jenny didn't have anything to do with this.

None of them did.

Why'd you have to keep killing the whole gang?

I wanted to watch you suffer.

This all started as revenge, but you made me realize I like killing.

And I'm really fucking good at it.

Like Manson-level good.

And now, with $10 million, I can do anything.

All right, so you're a psycho.

Maybe, but sex is always better with a psycho.

Right, honey? Yeah, especially felt ones.

Because our vaginas are literally velvet.

Oh, yeah. Drop it, Phil.

You definitely look hotter than the last time I saw you.

You fell for every trap. Men are so stupid.

Drop that gun, Phil, I don't wanna hurt you.

No, you just wanna use me, like Sandra used you.

You don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, come on, Jenny.

She seduced you and married you just to get to me.

Shoot him, baby.

I don't know, babe. It's like, he's not gonna sprout wings and fly after us.

I think we should just get on the plane and take off.

We're free and clear already.

Jenny, Jenny, listen to me, listen to me.

Twelve years ago, I took an innocent man's life.

That man was Sandra's father.


By the way, I want a divorce.

Jesus Christ.

Hey, hey, get your fucking... Hey, hey, get your hands off of me!


Fuck, why are you so tiny?

Hey, what are you guys, part of a cult?

This is the job you get when you don't make Secret Service?


Come on, fellas. Let's talk about this.

Don't do this for that purple-pubed monster.

You're throwing me in a jet-engine? It shows a real lack of creativity, guys.

One! Two...

I hope my fluff sprays all over your cheap suits.


Bye-bye, puppet. Bye-bye, asshole.



Edwards! Phil!

Come on.

Give me the key. She's getting away.


Come on. Let's go. Thanks.

My ankle.

Sandra, where are you?

Come on. Let's end this thing.

It's over and you know it.

Come on out, you little psycho.

Drop your gun.

Stop right there! Oh, what the fuck.

Edwards! You all right?

It's deja-fucking-vu, Phil.

Oh, no, no, no. Ah, fuck me, it's a gun to the head.

How'd she get the drop on you?

'Cause she's like a fucking spider monkey.

Damn! She got me that way, too.

Put the gun down!

Come on, Phil, don't do this again.

I don't have a shot.

Take the shot, Phil.

Just a piece, just a tiny piece.

Don't fuck this up.

You're a puppet, not a fleshy. Why are you messing with me?

Jesus Christ. Oh, shit! Lyle!


Take the shot, Phil! He won't shoot me.

He's a blue loser puppet with a tiny felt cock!

Oh, shit.

Shit, Phil!

That took you long enough, but...



You finally did it, Phily!


That was a nice shot. Fuck.

You all right? Yeah, I'm fine.

You did good.

Yeah, you, too, kid.

God, it's very hard to pull off all white like that.

What? I got to give her that.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Right?

Oh, man... I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Too soon.

You know, you gave me quite a scare there.

I thought I was gonna lose you.

Sweetheart, you're never gonna lose me.

Bubbles, hey, you know, I was thinking...

You were? Yeah.

They broke the mold when they made you.

They did?

And I'd like to take you out to dinner, you know, someplace special.

You mean, like, on a date?


Like a date.

I'm gonna go home and change.

Oh. All right, okay.

Hey, I'll pick you up later. Okay.

Here you go. Thanks. Thank you.

Hey. Hey, yourself.

You finally get the nerve to ask her out?

Yeah, I'm gonna take her out tonight for dinner.

That took you long enough. Mmm.

Don't fuck this one up, Phil, she's one of the good ones.

Yes, she is.

Good work, you two. I knew you had it in you.

Aw, thanks, Lieutenant.

Edwards, you're off suspension.

Thanks, Lieu.

And, Phil, I talked to the captain, and he put in a motion with the mayor's office to permanently repeal the Philips Code.


I know it's early, but what the heck?

I've had this sitting in my desk, waiting for this day.


How about that.

Far be it from me to compliment you, but you're the best damn cop I've ever seen.

Oh, well, you're no bag of shit either.

Well, you're a real fucking poet, aren't you?

You asshole.

You are both equally not bags of shit.

In fact, when you're working together, you're two peas on a little fucked-up pod.


You're the best, partner.

God almighty. Here we go.

Here comes numbnuts. Yeah.

Word on the street is that you did okay.

"Okay"? Phil Philips is a goddamn hero.

Oh, no, no, no, Edwards is the hero. I just got a lucky shot off.

Come on.

No hard feelings?

Well, no, I still think you're an asshole.

Asshole says what?


I said, "Asshole says what?" And you... And you said, "What?"

'Cause you're an asshole. Yeah.


Every time. Yeah.

Always works on assholes.

I'm going back to the FBI.

Oh, yeah, what's that stand for? Fucking Big Idiot?

Oh, wow. What a comeback. Yeah, that's a reverse burn.

Hey, stupid, say "What?" What?

Fucking big idiot! That's not what it stands for!

Maybe puppets do have a chance for a happy ending.

Happy ending?

Jesus, I still can't get that squirting cow out of my head.

♪ I know a guy who's tough but sweet

♪ He's so fine He can't be beat Let's dance.

♪ He's kind of the thing that I desire

♪ Sets the summer sun on fire

♪ I want candy

♪ I want candy

Hey. Hey...


What happened? Did you break down?

I think I did.

♪ Go to see him when the sun goes down

♪ Ain't no finer boy in town

♪ You're my guy What the doctor ordered

♪ So sweet You make my mouth water

♪ I want candy

♪ I want candy

♪ Yeah!

We need to talk.

Okay. Give me a minute.

Do you have any coke?


♪ Candy on the beach There's nothing better

♪ But I like candy when it's wrapped in a sweater Hey, you forgot your carrot. Not mine.

♪ Then I'll have candy all the time

♪ I want candy

♪ I want candy

♪ Hey!

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪ I have quite an appetite. How large?

Big enough to take down the Titanic.

And by Titanic, I mean your cock.

Oh, Jesus Christ.