The Honeymoon Machine (1961) Script

Missile away.

A green bird true on course.

Grand bahama report on sighting.

Grand bahama reporting, missile honeymoon overhead.

Velocity one-four-triple o.

Pardon me, sir.

Thank you.

Computing room reports an increase in predicted takeoff altitude.

We'll be a little behind schedule, sir.

How much?

E.t.a. Plus three minutes, forty seconds.

Mr. Eldridge, you said the missile would land where?

The missile won't land at all, senator.

It'll be consumed by friction as it enters the earth's atmosphere.

But the nose cone will zero in off our bow six miles away.

Mr. Eldridge, just out of idle curiosity, yes, sir?

Suppose the nose cone yes, sir?

Six miles too soon, perhaps here on deck.

What would that mean?

Among other things, senator, it would mean that the electronic brain aboard this vessel had made a slight mistake.

Which it never does.

Would you care to see the brain at work?

Right.

Would you care to see the brain at work?

I think the senators are excellent security risks.

Right this way, gentlemen.

Thank you.

Beyond this panel lies the cortex of the brain, the seat of its intelligence.

Technically, the brain is known as

"magnetic analyzer computer synchrotron."

His friends call him "Max."

Like the human brain, Max has no moving parts.

His gray matter consists of four thousand vacuum tubes and 170 miles of fine wire, electronic nerves producing intense powers of concentration.

You don't mean Max actually thinks?

As we understand thinking, no.

But he has a superhuman memory and a super-analytical mind.

Since the missile left its launching pad, Max has been keeping a running prediction of its course.

He's telling us now that the cone will hit its Mark in exactly 1 minute and 4 seconds.

Let's go, gentlemen.


Out of bearing 0-0-3 degrees.

Distance, 12,100 yards.

Right on the nose, sir.

6 miles, 100 yards.

Congratulations, Mr. Eldridge.

Thank you.

Incredible. It's amazing.

Attention all Navy and civilian personnel.

This is captain Adams speaking.

Operation honeymoon has been completed you'll be proud to learn that your ship has tracked an I.C.B.M. Across 6,000 miles of ocean with an accuracy never before attained in the history of telemetry.

For your efforts...

Throw that doodle on the floor.

Right there. You're covered.

And this, my friend, declares the same.

Fergie, roll them strong and true.

The point I was using, gentlemen, is little Joe.

Little Joe from kokomo.

He did it again.

Old buddy, you're hotter than a $2 pistol.

Gentlemen, we will shoot the 200.

And while congratulations are in order, let us not forget our top-secret friend Max.

Max, who predicted with such accuracy the course of the missile.

Max, predict us now, predict us, Max, a 7.

And if you can't predict us a 7, then predict us an 11.

I was praying to Max.

Don't pray to Max...

Pray to me, I've got the dice.

And I predict a 7.

Fergie, the great predictor, greater than Max, who knows all.

Who needs Max when we have the great Fergie?

Valuable data, will now with the aid of electronic equipment enlarge...

Snake eyes, craps and out.

Buddy, what happened?

I should have prayed to Max.

Come on, Fergie, you're still rolling.

Pass.

Should feel proud and honored to be part of this gigantic undertaking.

You have seen history in the making here today.

I might even say history of your making.

We cannot decorate Max, but we can salute him as I salute you.

Well done.

I'm just asking, that's all.

Is it possible for Max to predict the throw of a dice.

Fergie, before answering, you aren't planning some sort of little coup against your brother officers?

Of course not... I'm just interested scientifically.

Look, forget about the dice.

Think of a roulette wheel.

Could Max tell in any single spin of the wheel what number might show up?

Let's examine the problem.

A roulette wheel is made by human hands.

Since no two human beings are alike, the same is true of human contraptions.

Roulette wheels?

They have irregularities.

A bearing worn a thousandths of an inch.

A table tilted a hundredth of a degree.

A ball that isn't perfectly rounded.

A roulette wheel like this will not and cannot perform according to the laws of chance.

Therefore, given such a wheel and given a fair sample of what numbers it has spun in the past...

Feeding those numbers to Max's memory organ.

With coordinates based on 360 degrees it is just possible...

What's on your mind?

Jason, are you a wealthy man?

I'm a scientist.

All scientists are poor. It's a law.

How would you like to be the first rich scientist in history?

I wouldn't fight it.

I happen to know the fleet is heading north tomorrow.

Barcelona, Rome, venice.

I also happen to know that in venice there is a casino.

And in that casino... Is a roulette wheel.

Sharp thinking.

And what do we do? Smuggle Max in?

I doubt if they'll let him bet.

I was thinking, if we left someone aboard ship to look after the technical end, we could communicate with Max from shore, say with a signal lamp.

Feed him the numbers, get his answers while you and I put down a couple of well-considered wagers.

Am I getting through to you?

One thing I'm not sure of.

What?

Why do you want to spend 10 years in the brig?

Do you realize what they could do to you for this?

Jason, just answer my question can Max do it?

Yes or no?

Newton couldn't do it.

Einstein couldn't do it.

A million geniuses with slide rules couldn't do it.

But this fellow can do it.

Well, then.

Hello, Max.

What are the facts?


Holy cow.

What a layout.

In the bedroom, my good fellow, thank you.

Hello, room service, please, servizio Romeo grazie.

Fergie, are we going to live here?

Why?

Is it big enough?

Don't the furnishings meet with your approval?

I don't know.

It kind of looks like a place I'd promised my wife I'd stay out of.

I'd say one thing, this sightline was made to order.

Beau, set up the blinker; We'll give Max a trial flash.

Servizio Romeo?

Suite 4-6.

Would you please send up two bottles of scotch, two bourbon, two vodka, one gin, one vermouth, one cognac.

If I have any afterthoughts, I'll give you a buzz.

Grazie.

One afterthought might be a liquor license.

Who's going to pay for all of that?

My friends, it's about time we started living in a style in which we are about to become accustomed.

Here you go, my good fellow.

Beau, let me have a little cash, will you?

How much?

That'll do.

Buy yourself a gondola?

Grazie, signor.

Mille grazie.

Well, you gave that man 6,000 lire.

Piddling $7.

$9 and 57.68 cents.

So? He'll remember us.

He might even remember us at the court-martial.

You can't be court-martialed but I can.

And I'm getting worried.

Frankly, I'd like to pull out of this whole deal right now.

Beau!

I'm going to save you from yourself.

I won't let you pull out.

Why?

Because you're my friend, that's why.

And because you got $300, that's why.

I figured it wasn't all sentiment.

Jas, how's the power supply?

110 volts in, 24 out.

Right on the nose.

All set up? Anytime.

All yours, Mr. Gilliam.

You may fire when ready.

I'm ready.

We've got him!

Of course, we've got him.

"Code, 7" what is it?

Computer clear.

Max awaiting your data.

Tell him to stand by for further orders.

That's a good man you got out there, jas.

Now all you have to do is scoot over to the casino.

Watch the wheel.

When you got enough dope, phone me here.

I'll shoot the numbers out to Max.

Beau will join you as soon as he gets into his civvies.

My civvies?

You brought them, didn't you?

Yeah, but I won't wear them, Fergie.

I beg your pardon?

Well, you saw the duty board this morning.

We were specifically ordered to wear whites.

Any officer caught ashore in his civvies is going to have his tail in a sling.

And it was signed by admiral Fitch himself.

Old foghorn.

Fergie, we agreed not to break any regulations we didn't have to.

But we have to.

We can't into the casino in Navy uniform.

It's off limits.

Off limits and in civvies, too.

I'll be breaking two regulations at once.

That's right.

It's kind of a package deal.

Now get in there and get out of those whites and that's an order, lieutenant junior grade Gilliam.

You sure love trouble, don't you?

Whenever there's a risk involved, you light up like a beacon, you glow all over.

Some people function better when things get hot.

That was fine in Korea;

That's what got you all those medals.

Only what's it going to get you in peacetime?

Money.

You know, there was once a great philosopher named Nietzsche who said, "live dangerously."

It's the only time you live at all."

But it's my life you're living dangerously.

Fergie, do I have to?

Yep.

What's that smell?

My civvies.

I don't mean your civvies; I mean, what's that smell?

That's my civvies, too.

Bobby Jo packed them for me back home.

She's partial to the moth balls.

No, she's not partial to it... she's in love with it.

Well, maybe I shouldn't wear it?

You know, a smell like this in that casino.

They'll love you in the casino.

There won't be a moth around for 40 miles.

Jas, how long before we get those sample numbers?

520 spins of the wheel.

Say, 50 seconds a spin...

7 hours, 13 minutes and 12 seconds.

Are you going to stand at that table for 7 hours.

Suppose he has to go to the men's room?

Don't be silly.

He's a scientist.

Anyway, you're going to be there to take over.

Well, there's one thing I got to do first.

I promised Bobby Jo if I ever got to venice, I'll buy her some venetian glass.

Well, wait until we get to Japan.

The best venetian glass comes from Yokohama.

Now look, Fergie, this is for my wife.

And when a man promises his wife...

What's the use?

I know his views about marriage.

He thinks it's for the birds.

Now how could I possibly think that?

You ever know any birds that were honest-to-goodness married?

I mean, they shack up a little now and then but...

I'm sorry.

I must have the wrong room.

Are you sure?

Well, we're in the suite just below and I must have stepped off on the wrong floor.

Not as far as I'm concerned.

Hi-Dee.

My name's Fergie Howard.

How do you do?

Come in.

Sit down. No.

No thanks.

Are you Navy men?

Are you referring to the united states Navy, ma'am?

Well, there's just something about the way you look and stand.

I thought may be one of us.

One of whom?

You mean, you're in the Navy?

Call me Navy brat, courtesy of my father.

It always sounds so dopey to say your father's an admiral.

An admiral?

An admiral?

An admiral.

Admiral Fitch.

So you're admiral Fitch's daughter.

How did you know that?

You should couldn't be his son.

And after all, he's the only admiral in venice.

You mean that the admiral is actually staying here.

At this hotel?

Is there anything wrong with this hotel?

Well, I think we're lucky.

Imagine, sharing the same roof with the great admiral Fitch.

That certainly proves you're not Navy.

In the fleet they call him "old foghorn."

Not to his face, of course.

How disloyal.

"Old foghorn," imagine.

A man who had been on the cover of time.

I don't know what the world's coming to.

The world's in a bad shape, all right.

And it's getting worse every second.

Well, to me it's looking very, very pretty.

Miss Fitch, I'd like you to meet our chaperones.

This is Jason eldridge, my very good friend.

And this... Schillkraut, ma'am.

Beauregard schillkraut.

And I'm very pleased to meet you.

Won't that glass shop of yours be closing pretty soon, schillkraut?

Yeah.

Well, good-bye.

So long, jas.

Yeah, yeah.

Excuse me.

Look, you give me a ring as soon as you get that information.

Are you out of your head?

The admiral's daughter?

Yes, sounds like a great idea.

Great idea, my foot.

You'll land all of us...

Fergie, you're glowing again.

Don't worry about a thing.

Well, here we are.

That's the quickest scuttling of chaperones I've ever seen.

You're not listening.

I said, "here we are."

Well then, what are we waiting for?

Close the drapes, bring out the liquor and let's get this show on the road.

Action, that's what I like.

None of that beating around the bush.

Take it easy.

Look, miss Fitch.

Call me Julie. All right, Julie.

It had to happen, it had to happen.

Not necessarily.

All I meant... I'm putty in your hands.

What are you, some kind of a sex fiend?

Just teaching you a little lesson.

Don't make jokes with admiral's daughters.

We cut our teeth on sea wolves...

Than which nothing is wolfier.

Do you give out many of these lessons?

As many as I have to.

But I've got to admit, you scare off pretty easily.

I think I feel my courage oozing back.

Want to try again?

School's out for the day.

How long you going to be in venice?

Why?

I want to see you.

What for?

Another lesson?

No more lessons.

I just want to talk to you.

I want to be near you.

I felt something the minute you walked in the door.

Is this pitch for real?

But I'm staying in venice just as long as my father does.

How about you?

I'll stay as long as you do.

Come on.

No, I mean it.

You stay as long as your father, I stay as long as your father.

Time means nothing to me.

Are you loaded?

Are you some kind of a deported gangster?

I'll tell you all about myself at dinner tonight.

Harry's bar, 7:00 date?

Mr. Howard, we've barely met, but you have convinced me of one thing.

What?

You're crazy.

Julie, please have dinner with me.

Well, what do I have to do to buy you a steak?

Enlist in the Navy?

Wear one of those chokey collars?

Would that open the door or anything?

I had my fill of brass buttons by the time I was 18.

And at 19, I swore an oath the hand that salutes my father will never hold mine.

Never?

"Navy daughter all her life cannot be a Navy wife."

Julie, you're wonderful.

But I haven't even said yes to dinner.

Well, I thought we settled all that.

All right, I know when I'm licked.

7:00?

7:00

Well, if I had to stumble into the wrong room, I guess I picked the right one.

Pick me up at 6:30.

I want you to meet daddy.

Good evening, sir.

My name is Fergie Howard.

7 red.

Jason, how much longer?

205 spins.

It... it's a mothball.

Camphor.

Comprende?

No.

Prego.

Ladies and gentlemen, place your bets.

Take over.

27 in the red.

Jason, for Pete's sake.

Ladies and gentlemen, place your bets.

Jason, no!

I've told you time and time again, wear your glasses.

Jason.

You know you can't see anything without them.

The 15 in the black.

Write that down.

Jason, what in the world are you doing in venice?

Don't miss anything, Beau.

7 red.

Place your bets.

The canals are getting worse every year.

You shouldn't be so vain about wearing glasses.

Someday you're going to run that pretty face into a brick wall.

I only wear them when there's something I'm interested in seeing.

Do you know how long it's been since that night in Washington?

To the hour.

You want the latest quotation?

Why did you run away, Jason?

I didn't run away.

I walked away.

From me.

From you and $40 million.

Or is it 50 by now?

60.

Jason, is it my fault my father manufactures frankfurters?

Nope.

It's just that they're so profitable.

I can see the story in the society pages.

"Penniless professor weds wienie heiress."

Do you know what you'd be eating the rest of your life?

Your father's frankfurters.

They're very good.

Not good enough for Princess Pam.

Jason, you're such a fool.

Put your glasses on.

I don't want to see you.

Well, you haven't told me what you're doing in venice.

That's right, I haven't.

I came over to get married.

May I ask what man has been blessed with such good fortune?

I say fortune advisedly.

Jason eldridge.

If I had to guess who I'd never run into in venice, I'd pick Jason the genius.

How are you?

How are you, Tommy.

Pam, my sweet.

Sorry.

Bartender.

I suppose Pam's told you the good news.

She told me the news, yeah.

Maybe you'll be around for the wedding in 3 weeks.

I doubt it.

I'm just on a quick business trip.

Government business.

You science fellas are real glamor boys these days.

A little different from prep school when we used to round up all you greasy grinds and toss you into the lake.

Yeah, those were the happy times all right.

Seriously, if there's anything I can do for you, let me know.

I happen to have a little influence on the diplomatic level and I'll have more when they give me Rome.

Someone's giving you Rome?

I expect so.

Would it be rude of me to ask who?

Pardon?

Tommy's in the government now.

Which one?

Our state department.

A very important job in Rome.

Which reminds me, stag dinner tonight for that admiral fella.

Pam, I'm afraid you're on your own this evening.

I'll be all right.

You sure, darling?

I'll look both ways before crossing canals.

Good girl.

Say, why don't you have dinner with old eldridge tonight?

Don't you think it might be more elegant to ask old eldridge first?

Well, I naturally assumed that...

How about it, Jason?

It's all right with me.

Old eldridge, you swept me off my feet.

That's it then.

Now I've got to go write an after-dinner speech.

What's a man supposed to say about an admiral?

Well, if it's admiral Fitch... It is, why?

I don't think this will help much, but I understand in the fleet he's known affectionately as "old foghorn."

That a fact.

Well, good-bye, my sweet.

Old foghorn?

I'll use it.

Yeah, do that.

Say something nice, Jason.

Say something nice about Tommy Dane or I'm leaving right now.

Well?

I'm thinking.

All right, Jason.

Pam.

Pam, wait.

Now, listen.

Listen to me.

I beg your pardon?

Wait a minute, listen.

Tommy Dane is a fine fellow.

He's sober, industrious and a boon to our foreign policy.

In fact, he's a first-class prince.

Ok?

Ok.

Good evening.

Good evening.


Miss Fitch's suite, please.

Admiral Fitch here.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello!

Who's this?

Some blame fool isn't answering.

May I speak to miss Fitch, please?

Stand by.

It's for you, dear.

Thank you.

Hello?

Mr. Howard, where are you?

Dad's been waiting to meet you.

Yeah, well look, I'm afraid I'm going to have to cancel out on our date tonight.

Well, frankly, I've suffered a burn.

Well, not too serious, but...

Wait a minute.

Good bye, dad. Bye, dear.

Have a nice time.

I'm sorry, but my father was just leaving.

Well, like I said.

It's not too serious but, well, it's painful of course and I may be running a temperature but...

No, no.

I wouldn't want you to do that.

Really?

What kind of ointment.

You don't say.

Really works that fast?

Well, that's certainly very nice of you, Julie.

You're an angel of mercy.

Bye.

Servizio Romeo.

Hello, this is suite 4-6.

Dinner for two.

Grazie.

What did you say was in this?

It's a mild concoction of Brandy, vodka, and champagne.

Draschke.

Pardon?

Draschke.

As long as you can drink vodka and still say draschke, without it coming out "drofsky," then you're perfectly sober.

How's your wound, Mr. Howard?

It wasn't really very bad.

You probably noticed.

I did.

Still, burns can be very painful.

I know they can.

Would you rather I left?

No!

No, it feels fine, see?

That ointment of yours is a real miracle drug.

Do you know what my ointment is?

No.

Peanut butter.

I thought it was a little lumpy...

Peanut butter? Shhh!

Not so loud!

Why, up until now the only thing people have used peanut butter for is to eat.

We may have discovered something.

You wanted to come up here, so you told me you had an ointment.

I put it in the cold cream jar, too.

Julie... you're a fat little faker.

Mr. Howard, it's very decent of you to say so.

Most men wouldn't.

But then, you're unusual.

Well, I told you that.

But I didn't believe you!

That is, well, until somewhere between the fish and the souffle, you just seized me with surprise.

Seized you?

I didn't lay a glove on you.

That was the surprise!

Well...

Beware of the wolf that moves slowly.

You know, if you knew the truth, Julie...

The truth of it is, Mr. Howard...

And this may hurt... You are a nice fellow.

I deny that.

You've been a charming and gracious host.

Your manners were fine and your jokes were clean.

Someday you're going to make somebody a wonderful husband.

Oof.

Fergie, are you one of those men who, when it comes to marriage, would rather die than...?

No, no.

I'm one of those men, when it comes to marriage, that has an opinion of... not favorable.

Then why were you so nice to me?

Most people who think the way you do act like a one-man boarding party.

Well, frankly, it entered my mind, but when you sat there...

Looked the way you looked...

I just couldn't.

Apparently I can.

Apparently.

What was that?

It was the Nina, the pinta, and the Santa Maria!

$35 worth of venetian glass!

Well, maybe it's not all broken.

Well, how did you manage to drop it, schillkraut?

Manage to?

I walk in here and find you with an admiral's dau...

With a practical stranger.

I think he had a perfect right to drop it.

And I think I need some fresh air.

"Drofsky"...i do.

Got those numbers?

Here.

Jason's at the casino, near the phone booth.

All right, shoot 'em out to Max.

With her here?

The blinker's in the bedroom.

We don't want to keep Jason waiting.

Well, he won't mind.

He's got a girl with him. A girl?

You mean he's letting some girl interfere with this setup?

Are you kidding me?

Yeah.

Get moving.

Hello.

Jason?

Yeah, he just got here.

Yes.

Well, we've got those figures.

Yeah, well, I'll give you a call as soon as Max has them processed.

Give me your number. Got it.

The minute I hear from Max, we start the ball rolling.

Right!

Look, if you and your friends have some business...

It's nothing, just dull everyday high finance.

My assistant's attending to it.

He seems very young. The youngest.

Did you see the expression on his face when he walked in and caught us in the act?

Well, I wouldn't describe a little kiss as an act.

Little kiss?

Sank 3 ships.

Yes?

It's dad!

Come on in, dad.

I see you got the note I left.

Yeah...- I'm sorry, sir.

It was stupid of me not to realize.

It certainly was.

Didn't you notice all the braid?

Forgive him, dad.

You know how civilians are.

Yeah, yeah.

Well... aren't you going to shake hands?

It's a great pleasure meeting you, sir.

Yeah.

Is everything all right here?

Yes, except I didn't expect to see you quite so soon.

Well, I left early.

Full dinner, full speeches...

You know a damn fool named Tommy Dane?

No, sir. Why?

Damn fool!

He kept calling me "old foghorn."

No wonder you're in such a bristly mood.

Won't you sit down, sir?

No, no.

I've got a full reception.

Hey, you want to come?

Please, dad.

Well, I don't blame you. Fergie?

Fergie, I think you oughta come in here...

This is Julie's father, Mr. Schillkraut.

I'm very pleased to meet you, mr.Schillkraut...

Fitch!

Admiral Fitch!

Relax, young fella.

You're not in my command.

Yes, sir!

I mean, no, sir!

Schillkraut, what was it you wanted?

Well... it was nothing.

Would you excuse me, please?

Excuse me.

Are you sure everything's all right here?

Beau.

Beau!

He recognized us... I saw it in his eyes!

Don't be a dope.

An admiral never recognizes anyone except another admiral.

Now get on that blinker and tell that ship to stop flashing for a while.

Yeah.

That's peculiar.

Someone's flashing the shore.

Where?

There, there.

See, it's from the elmira.

Do you read morse code?

I haven't been able to read code since I was an ensign.

Well, it stopped.

Probably some sailor signaling to his girl.

Probably... yeah.

Well, I'm... I'm shoving off.

Say good night to that civilian for me.

Now, if you need anything, there's two shore patrolmen stationed downstairs.

Thank you, dad.

What's going on in here?

Julie, your father.

He's gone.

I knew there was something fishy!

Fishy?

What's fishy?

Well, for one thing... that.

It's a heat lamp.

Schillkraut here's got a little cold, and...

Don't call him schillkraut.

He doesn't answer to it.

And that is not a heat lamp.

It's a blinker.

A blinker!

Well, the man who sold it to me swore up and down...

And to clinch matters, I read morse code.

"Max standing by."

Now, who and what are you?

Lieutenant Ferguson Howard, ma'am.

United States Navy.

Lieutenant junior grade beauregard Gilliam, ma'am.

United States Navy.

Retired.

Official 1-8?

Admiral Fitch.

There's been flashing from the computing room on the elmira.

Get a signalman up to my suite, immediately.

You wanted the story of my life?

You've got it.

I still think if I'd gotten that bicycle for Christmas when I was 13 years old, none of this would have happened.

Julie, my fate is in your hands.

"You stay as long as your father does."

"I'll stay as long as your father does."

"Time means nothing to me."

Brother.

Julie... are you going to turn me in?

I don't know.

I'm not sure whether you're a criminal, or just seriously disturbed.

Anyway, let's get back to the bicycle.

What color was it?

Red!...blue!

Look, Julie, you run me out like a deck swab.

Who cares about imaginary bicycles?

So there wasn't any bicycle!

I told you, I didn't get it!

All right, all right.

Let your father keelhaul me all the way to the Brooklyn Navy yard.

Let him send me to the brig!

Maybe he should, just for your own protection.

People who think they can get rich from gambling.

It's not gambling... It's science.

Listen...

Beau's in there now, sending off the numbers.

Jason's waiting at the tables.

Julie... don't stand in the way of scientific progress.

Well, of all the silly arguments!

The answer is coming through!

Tell him to hold it!

Julie... For science.

For me.

Go ahead.

You're going to need all the money you can get when they throw you out of the Navy.

Julie... Battle stations!

Get on the phone.

Lido 3-7.

Lido 3-7.

Here it comes!

Jason?

Hold on, wait.

After... After... Primary... Primary...

Revolution... Revolution... Next drop...

Next drop... Will be... Will be...

165 degrees... 165 degrees...

West... West... Of number shown.

Of number shown.

If... First... Revolution... Zero...

Revolution?

Hold... All... Action... End.

Revolution?

Drop will be... 165 degrees.

Get me a chart of the harbor.

Get me a map of venice.

You got it, jas?

Very good.

Well, I haven't got it.

What does it all mean?

This is a roulette wheel.

The ball drops there.

Jason counts back 165 degrees, bets on the next spin, the ball drops here, or on one number on either side.

He bets all 3... We can't lose.

Admiral, what does it mean?

Well, if I were an enemy spy, I might be able to tell you.

Security, security!

Captain angle here!

165 degrees... 160.

Is that where the drop is going to be?

Gentlemen!

That's smack in the middle of the fleet!

Get over to the casino and help Jason.

Take this... you may need it to carry the money.

Alert the venice police.

Cancel all leaves.

I want every gig and picket boat in the fleet, fully manned, fully armed.

Circle the entire city!

Security?

There's a man signaling from the elmira.

Place him under immediate arrest!

No, no, no.

Negative on that order.

Don't alert him.

No, no.

Post a guard at the computing room door.

No one enters, no one leaves.

No, there may be more messages, and we'll need them to...

To break the code.

The drop will be exactly... in section indicated, or one section east or west.

East or west of what?

Number 12 in the red.

Pay that gentleman.

It works.

The crazy thing works!

Jason, what's going on?

A system.

There's no such thing.

I know it.

Pam, will you marry me?

27, 13, and 6.

What did you say?

27, 13, and 6.

Before that!

12, 18, and 9.

I mean, about marrying me!

You did ask me to marry you, didn't you?

No, but I'll talk to my wife.

Excuse me.

Listen to me.

You did ask me to marry you, didn't you?

Didn't you?

Yes!

Yup.

Well, you certainly have your nerve, old eldridge!

You disappear out of my life, I don't even hear from you for 3 years, and then, all of a sudden...

Don't you understand?

I never had any money before.

But now... 27 in the red.

The gentleman wins again.

Now I've got it!

Or I will have.

Enough to buy up every braunschweiger your father ever stuffed.

Ladies and gentlemen, place your bets.

Jason, this is ridiculous!

It certainly is! 11, 36, 30.

I'm not talking about bets, I'm talking about your marrying me.

Don't you realize I'm engaged?

I came to venice to marry Tommy Dane!

Now, if you want to talk about something really ridiculous, you're on the right track.

You don't love Tommy Dane.

You don't even like Tommy Dane.

I suppose I love you.

Well, don't you?

Yes, heaven help me.

Then, why argue?

Jason!

Number 11 in the red.

Pay that gentleman again.


I've broken code in Russian, sir, and I've broken it in hindustani, but I can't break this.

Why not?

Because it didn't code, sir.

Well, then, what does it mean?

That, sir, I couldn't say.

Ammiraglio...

The venice press, they got wind of something.

So has the a.P.

Shall I give them a story, sir?

No, no.

Nothing to the newspapers!

Not a word!

If I may speak for the state department, I agree completely with old foghorn.

To alarm the city before old foghorn knows exactly what's going on could cause a panic.

I'm in favor of leaving everything in old foghorn's hands.

What do you say, sir?

I say, if you call me old foghorn once more, I'll belt you one!

Sir?

There's word from one of our picket boats, sir.

They report spotting blinker signals from shore, early this evening.

What signals?

What did they say?

Just a series of numbers, sir, from zero to 36.

From zero to... What do you make of that?

Sounds like the numbers on a roulette wheel.

Damn it!

This is no time for jokes!

Did they say where on shore the blinker was?

No, sir.

Well, if they flash again, tell them to pinpoint it!

Yes, sir.

Picket 6, this is 1.

Repeat try to pinpoint.

Don't... Don't tell me it doesn't answer.

It's a phone booth in the casino.

There's got to be somebody th...

Did it work?

Come on, man.

Don't keep me in suspense.

She knows.

I had to tell her.

Did it work? You told her?

An admiral's daughter...

It's all right, she's on our side.

Just call me Benedict Arnold.

Did it work?

Sort of.

Sort of!

Ohhhhhh... How much is here?

11 million lira.

Roughly, $18,000.

Beautiful!

What did you quit for?

I had to.

Something went wrong, and I lost the last 3 bets.

You lost?

How could you lose?

I'm not sure.

Some variable in the game...

A different ball, maybe.

Anyhow, I've got more data to flash Max.

As soon as we get the answers, we'll be back in the ball game.

Come in!

No!

It's ok, it's only Pam.

She knows, too.

She knows?

You even told a stranger?

She's not a stranger.

I ran into her at the casino.

We're engaged.

Engaged?

All right, now listen, little girl.

Just because a fellow makes a small killing in roulette doesn't mean you have to stick your claws into him.

Fergie!

How much you take to blow town?

Will you stop?

We've known each other for years.

Besides, she's got $60 million of her own.

What system do you use?

The capitalistic system.

Pam dunston, this is my friend, crazy Fergie Howard.

How do you do, crazy Fergie?

How are you?

The data!

Stay with me.

We've got work to do.

I'll flash this out to Max.

Where's Beau?

He went to buy some more glass.

At a time like this?

That's desertion!

11 million lira?

How do you do?

I'm crazy Julie Fitch.

Congratulations, and welcome to the asylum.

Thanks.

I'm so sorry.

That does it.

How long for an answer? Any second.

It's just a few simple coordinates.

Come on, Max. Give!


Hold it!

Now, what is it?

More flashing from shore, sir, just a moment ago.

Did they get a bearing on it?

Yes, sir.

The blinker is right here in the hotel, sir.

Operation 4 immediately!

What was the message?

Picket 6, this is 1.

Did you intercept the message?

Over.

Just numbers... Well, well, what was it?

Just more numbers, sir.

From zero to 36.

Keep quiet!

Any answer from the ship?

Yes, sir.

Here it comes now, sir.

Here we go, jas.

Reverse... All... Directions... West...

To... East... Right... After... 12...

Drop... will... be... Repeated.

That's all, sir.

Right after 12, drop will be repeated...

Right after 12?

What time is it now?

11:30 more, sir!

More coming.

Well, maybe this will clear it up.

The... Square... Root... Of... 2...

Minus... Pi... Times... R.

Square root of 2, minus pi, times r...

Well, if I didn't know better, I'd say we were being attacked from outer space.

And I don't know better!

The square root of 2, pi times r...

You call that a number?

Certainly it's a number. Yeah?

Well, try playing it on a roulette wheel.

Max has gone out of his mind.

He's sick!

You must've sent one number twice.

You fouled up the coordinates.

I fouled up nothing!

It's Max.

He knows he's gambling.

He knows, and he's against it.

Don't be ridiculous!

Well, then, he's made a mistake.

Max can't make a mistake!

Why not?

He's only human.

Fergie, will you please...

Gentlemen, are you depositing or withdrawing?

It's going to be all right, Fergie.

You just convert pi and the segments of a circle into the square root... Now I understand.

Look, leave it to me.

It'll work.

Maybe you'd like to make a small personal loan?

Hello, Pam.

Hello, Julie.

They remember us.

Isn't that sweet?

Positively poignant.

Look, I'm sorry, honey, but you know what this means to us...

You and me.

Julie... You've been very patient with me, and I love you for it.

Tell you what...

Take you out on the town tonight, ok?

Where?

Roulette table, where else?

Be with you in a minute.

Beau?

He wouldn't ring.

Who is it?

United States Navy!

The Navy!

Fergie, your cap!

The blinker!...Money!

Signalman burford Taylor first class, United States Navy, official business!

We have a report that certain guys is using a blinker light from somewheres in the vicinity of this here hotel for the possible purposes of espionage.

We have been ordered...

We don't know anything about that!

Just a minute!

I ain't finished yet!

We've been ordered to check the entire premises of this here hotel.

I will now check this here suite unless you have any objections, which would be pretty suspicious.

Of course I have no objections.

Very well.

With your permission, I will institute the search.

Just what are you looking for?

Blinking has been reported, ma'am.

I am searching for a blinker.

Well, you don't have to search here.

I'm admiral Fitch's daughter.

And I am the secretary of the Navy's favorite son.

I mean it!

That's just a bedroom in there.

My orders are to search the premises, and a bedroom is premises!

Good evening.

Anything I can do for you?

Good evening, lieutenant Howard!

It is indeed a pleasure to see you again, sir!

I'm afraid I don't place you, sailor.

Signalman burford Taylor, sir.

Well, the lieutenant may have forgotten, but lieutenant was kind enough to come to my assistance one night when 3 army guys jumped me in a saloon in Tokyo.

At ease. Thank you, sir.

Signalman Taylor is searching the premises for a blinker.

Fine. Let him search.

You don't mind, sir?

It's... orders.

Not at all. Go right ahead.

How about a drink?

Drink, sir?

Surely the lieutenant is not suggesting that I take a drink while on duty, sir?

Certainly not.

I was talking to my friends here.

However, if you should happen to accept a drink while my back is turned, I certainly couldn't put you on report... could I?

As lieutenant knows, I am not a drinking man.

Say when, sailor.

When!

I should like to propose a toast.

To those intrepid men...

Who are we toasting?

You can't toast anyone without a drink!

Good heavens, man, you picked up an empty glass!

My friends, a toast to those intrepid...

Beautiful bourbon, sir.

And if I may say so, sir, that was the most beautiful toast.

Thank you... Let's drink to it.

I'll go along with that, sir.

To Julie Fitch, the admiral's daughter!

She really his daughter?

Certainly.

Wow.

Lieutenant may not know this, but this is the first liquor I've touched since that night in Tokyo.

Very next morning, sir, I went on the wagon.

Is that so... why?

It was the martians, sir.

They tell me I kept seeing martians.

Martians?

Men from Mars, ma'am.

They say I saw 'em crawling all over the ship.

Did you?

Yes, sir.

Doctor thought I might've been allergic to that fourth bottle of sake.

Look, maybe this man better not have any more to drink.

No, no, perfectly all right, ma'am.

This isn't sake.

Ohhhh!

Well... How do you like that!

Even in Italy... Green stamps!

And now, with the lieutenant's very kind permission...

I will go in the blinker and search for the bedroom, sir.

In the bedroom and search for the blinker!

As I said, sir.

Right through that door!

Thank you.

First, sir...

A short one for the road, sir.

And I'm off, sir.

Second thought, why search the bedroom?

United States naval officer would never hide a blinker...

Would you, sir?

Certainly not.

Certainly not, sir.

So, I will say good night and leave, sir.

Hey!

Don't let him go!

Ok, grab his belt!

1, 2, 3, heave!

Thank you, sir.

I must've gone through the wrong door, sir.

Yeah, it seems that way.

Which way?

It's a blinker! Where?

I don't see any blinker!

Someone's been setting up an air blink.

Spies, sir!

You mean this thing? That's no blinker.

Sir, I've been a signalman for 16 years, and I know a blinker when I see a blinker...

And that's a blinker!

Damn it, get off there before you kill yourself!

It's ok, sir!

I'll get it, sir!

It's my duty, sir!

Sailor, you come down here right now, and that's an order!

Coming, sir!

Aahhhh!

Don't move!

Don't move!

It's all right, sir.

All I gotta do is turn around.

No!

Get around the other side, quick!

Is everything all right?

Everything's fine!

Take it easy.

Just take it easy!

Don't move.

Would you let go of that thing?

It's evidence, sir!

Evidence of espionage in this here hotel!

I'll give it to you.

I'll give you the blinker!

Let's get out of here!

I got it, sir!

I'll take that, sailor.

No, sir.

It's much too heavy for you, sir.

Now, will you hold this while I fix my pants?

Better watch your step, sir.

All right, now, back inside!

Yes, sir!

And will you stop saluting?

Yes, sir!

They're back, sir!

The martians are back!

The martians are back, sir!

That's not a martian!

They're all over the hotel.

We're surrounded by martians, sir!

They're not martians.

Look, it's only a statue.

Open your eyes!

It's nothing.

The martians are here!

The martians are...!

What is it, sir?

Now, I could have sworn I heard someone say that the martians were... Don't be a nut!

Just don't look at them, do you hear?

Don't look at them.

Just keep your eyes closed.

They'll go away.

Ok?

All right.

Come on, be careful.

It's only a few more steps.

Hey, come on.

What's the matter?

Come on!

I think he's asleep!

What? Asleep?

For the love of... Wake him up!

No, no, don't wake him up.

He'll see them again.

Don't wake him up!

What will I do? Get him a blanket?

We got to wake him.

No, we don't.

Listen, all we have to do is...

I'll get it.


Now, keep your eyes closed and follow me.

Slowly.

Remember, keep your eyes closed.

No! Take it easy.

Take it ea-ea...

Come on.

Sailor!

Hup, hup.

About face.

Any word on operation 4?

We've searched the hotel from cellar to roof, sir.

No blinker yet.

Have they all reported in?

All except one, sir.

I can't seem to contact signalman Taylor.

Keep trying!

Yes, sir!

Operation 4 to signalman Taylor.

Can you read me, Taylor?

Come in Taylor!

Over.

Burford!

This is hermie.

What goes on?

Easy now.

We'll put him on the couch.

The Navy sure feeds him good.

Now I know what they mean, when they say get the lead out.

Watch it, Pam!

That was captain Adam from the elmira.

He's on his way to the suite now, sir.

Good, good.

What?

What, what?

All right.

What do we do now?

I'm thinking. I'm thinking.

One thing's for sure.

We can't go to the casino and leave this guy here alone.

Maybe we could get a baby-sitter?

When he wakes up, he'll alert the entire city of venice.

Why should he? Are you crazy?

He saw the blinker.

What blinker?

There is no blinker.

The blinker is in the canal.

Besides, he won't even remember it.

Jason, you hold down the fort, and I'll go to the casino.

No, the time has come, lieutenant Howard, to call a halt to this whole affair.

We stop right now!

Stop?

On the brink of victory?

Julie, have you gone mad?

Did Washington stop at valley forge?

Did Dewey stop at Manila?

Did Napoleon stop at Waterloo?

You bet he did.

Julie, come.

Julie, things have been so messed up around here that I haven't had a chance to talk to you.

But, I think I love you.

Fergie... I mean it.

You said you discovered something about me between the fish and the souffle.

I discovered something, too.

When? I'm not sure.

I think it was when you let me go ahead in spite of your father.

Any girl who would double-cross her own father, that's my kind of woman.

Fergie!

No, I didn't mean it that way.

Well, how did you mean it?

Anybody else for post office?


Send a couple of shore patrolmen to that suite upstairs and see if my daughter is... Never mind.

I'll have a look myself.

Don't worry.

Everything is all right.

All you have to do is watch him.

If he comes to, don't let him leave.

Hold him by force if necessary.

By force? That?

You won't have any trouble.

Just tell him you're a martian.

He's scared silly of martians.

Well, that's fine.

So am I.

And we're losing money.

Let's go.

We'll call you as soon as we bust the bank.

Don't forget.

Keep your eye on him.

Scusi, take us to the lobby, please.

Pam, that is not the elevator boy.

This is my father.

I'm so sorry.

Pam dunstan, admiral Fitch.

How do you do?

Jason eldridge.

How do you do, sir.

And Fergie you already know.

Good to see you again, sir.

Yeah, yeah.

Did you get your furniture moved?

Sir?

Sounded like you dropped a small piano.

I'm afraid that was my fault, admiral.

Yeah.

She has a habit of running into tables, sir.

That's a common failing.

Where are you heading for?

The casino.

Fergie wants to try his luck at a little roulette.

Yeah, we would like to invite you, sir, but I understand the casino is off-limits to Navy personnel.

Not for admirals.

Run along.

Run along.

Don't stay out all night.

Good night, dad.

May we drop you somewhere, sir?

No, I'll walk down.

No.

Gondola, signore?

Gondola?

Gondola for hire.

Gondola!

Gondola, signore?

Power boat.

Fergie, a gondola, please?

A gondola?

Who's got time for rowboats?

I have.

I'm in venice for the first time in my life.

There's a moon, and a man who says he thinks he loves me.

Prove it!

This is going to cost us a fortune.

Gondola, signore?

Gondola, signore.


Where did you find this?

Just below, sir.

In the canal.

One of our men saw it bounce off the embankment, but we couldn't tell where it fell from.

If there's been a slip-up in this hotel search, I'll have somebody's eyeteeth for it!

Burford?

Herbie?

Speak to me!

Sir, if that drop is to take place at 12:00, I got to know where we stand.

Are you still here?

Why don't you go and write a treaty or something?

I hate to think what they are saying right now at the American consulate.

I don't give a hoot what they are saying at the American consulate.

It's that other consulate that worries me.


12, on the red!

Bet, professor?

After 12, drop will be repeated once.

12, 28, 35.

12, 28, 35.

There is no such a thing as a system.

He must lose.

I better go out and rent a barge.

I think we're going to need it.

Yeah well, don't forget the shovels.

No more bets, please.

35, in the black.

What's your suggestion, Dr. Eldridge?

11, 30, 36.

For the croupiers.

Grazie.

And see what the croupiers in the back room will have.

Grazie, grazie.

Hope the fleet sticks around a few days.

I may buy Italy.

11 in the black.

There is no such thing as a system.

Somewhere he has got to fail.

Come in, burford.

Come in!

Do you read me, burford?

Do you read?

Answer!

Don't be mad at me, Gladys.

I'm going to be all right, Gladys.

Gladys isn't here. I'm just a friend, and I'm taking care of you.

Would you go back to sleep now?

Sleep on duty?

That's an insult to the U.S. Navy.

Hello, herbie?

This is burford ram...

I wouldn't use that thing if I were you.

Let go!

You don't get yourself in trouble!

Let go of the talkie... Now, listen to me.

And listen carefully.

I'm a martian... Do you hear me?

Come in burford.

Do you hear me? Come in!

Martian?

I was just joking.

I'm a lieutenant j.G.!

I'm one of us!

Signalman Taylor here.

Signalman Taylor.

Over and out.

Gondola, signore?

Gondola?

To the casino, please!

And hurry!

Gondola?

Gondola!

Follow that martian!

Follow that martian!

Yes.

You're sure of that?

When?

I see.

What, what?

What is... American consulate.

Yes, go on.

Right now?

Yes, I see.

I'll do what I can.

Roger.

What is it?

What is it?

Some American at the casino is breaking the bank.

Will someone please protect me from this idiot!

The casino is run by the Italian government.

Why, the entire city of venice depends for its existence on the profits from the casino.

Before this night is finished, there may not be a city of venice.

In which case, your troubles are over.

This game is over!

The table is closed.

Did I hear you correctly, sir?

Did I understand you to say...

You heard me correctly.

The table is closed.

You can't do that just because a fellow has a little run of luck.

How much are we ahead?

More or less a lousy $112,000.

And you want to call it quits?

Pretty chintzy, wouldn't you say?

Yeah, I'd say.

Wait until they hear about this in monte Carlo.

Wait until they hear it in Las Vegas.

It is only this table that is closed.

You may play at one of the other tables.

I don't want to play at one of the other tables.

Do I? No.

No!

I want this table.

Very well.

The table will remain open for exactly 15 minutes.

No limit on the last roll?

No limits on the last roll.

What's the formula?

4, 19, 21.

Go!

Did you ever see this before?

Did you ever see this before?

Yes, sir.

Certainly did, sir.

Where did you see it?

On the fourth floor of this building, sir.

I was crawling all over it.

You were crawling all over the blinker?

No, sir.

The fourth floor, sir.

Crawling.

Drunk as he is, I can believe it.

He may not be drunk, sir.

It's possible he's been drugged.

Yes, sir.

That's right, sir.

Drugged, sir.

Drugged, sir.

Well, start again.

You found this blinker tonight?

I certainly did, sir.

Where were you?

I was in a private suite, sir.

On the fourth floor, sir.

I was out on the letch.

What?

I was in a suite on the fourth floor, sir.

I was out on the letch.

Tonight?

Yes, sir!

On the letch?

Yes, sir.

I would be a little careful what I confess if I were you, sailor.

Well no, sir.

No, sir.

Not-not the letch.

On-on the letch.

On-on the letch, sir.

I think he means the ledge.

I know what he means.

You found this on the ledge?

Yes, sir.

The ledge... Yes, sir.

Could I take a nap now, sir?

No, you may not.

No, I may not, sir.

Do you know who you are talking to, sailor?

Yes, sir.

Captain Fitch, sir.

Admiral Fitch.

Admiral Fitch, sir.

That's right, sir.

How's your daughter, sir?

My daughter is fine.

What do you mean how is my daughter?

Well, I met her tonight, sir.

Where? When?

What?

I don't remember, sir.

We drugged.

Well, try to remember this.

When you found the blinker, was it in the condition that it's in now?

Absolutely not, sir.

But then, what happened to it?

Fell off the building, sir.

Right on the street.

Vrooom!

You mean you dropped it?

No, sir.

You dropped the blinker!

No, sir. I did not, sir.

It was the lieutenant, sir.

What lieutenant?

Lieutenant Ferguson Howard, sir.

He dropped it.

Lieutenant Ferguson Howard?

All right, let's have a little talk with lieutenant Ferguson Howard.

Get a hold of this lieutenant ferg...

Ferguson Howard?

Yes, sir.

Fine officer, sir.

A lieutenant, did you say?

Yes, sir.

Lieutenant Ferguson Howard.

I know that lieutenant, sir.

He happens to be in my command.

Not for long, though.

Where's my barge?

Below, sir, at the dock.

Well, get the steam up.

We're going to the casino.

You too, sailor!

Grazie, signore. Buona fortuna!

There is no such a thing as a system.

Pay the signore once more...

Getting a little tiresome, isn't it?

Monotonous, really.

I've never been so bored in my life.

What do you say we blow this joint and take in a movie?

You will not be bored much longer, signore.

The next will be your last bet.

So soon.

Well.

What number should we risk our money on now, professor?

11, 8 and 30.

And how much should we risk?

I don't know.

Let's not be greedy.

No, let's not.

The works.

Signore, do you realize, if you win, how much that will be?

Well, I haven't figured it out to the penny.

But I imagine it'll be quite a pittance.

A pitt-pitt-pittance?

Pittance.

What are you doing here?

That sailor, you know that sailor?

Your orders were to watch him every second.

I did.

Then why aren't you with him now?

Because he just fell in the grand canal, that's why.

He woke up, and he's on the loose.

If they get a hold of him, they might put two and two together.

That movie sounds like a fine idea, let's go.

Come on! I'm ready!

Let's not lose our heads!

All we've got is one roll.

As soon as we cash in, we head for the hotel.

Beau, you start now.

Soon as you get there...

Well, look who's here!

I see you decided to come, sir.

Yeah.

Who is it?

The elevator boy.

We've been playing a little roulette.

How are you doing?

Pretty well, sir.

As a matter of fact, I'm about to make a killing.

That's interesting.

So am I.

On your feet, lieutenant Howard!

Signore, is there something I can do for the United States Navy?

Yeah, yeah.

Rent me a room.

Where I can hold a quiet court-martial.

Certamente, signore.

Perdonne, perdonne.

Grazie, grazie...

Why wouldn't they buy me that bicycle?

Lieutenant, can you think of one reason why you should not spend the next 20 years in solitary confinement?

I think 20 years is a fair shake, sir.

Considering your offenses, it's charity.

Purloining and destroying Navy property, the blinker.

Out of uniform, a defiance of orders.

Deliberately helping a sailor become drunk and disorderly.

I don't need any help for that, sir.

I can manage all right.

So thank you very mu... Never mind.

Yes, sir.

And most important, operating top secret Navy equipment.

Gambling for personal profit.

Through the use, abuse, and prostitution of an electronic brain...

Let's make that 30 years, shall we?

30 years it is, sir.

Mr. Eldridge...

You're not subject to Navy discipline, but I'm sure I can guarantee you an equally unhappy future.

No doubt of it, sir.

And as for you lieutenant schillkraut...

I'm Gilliam, sir.

Beauregard gi...

As for you, lieutenant schillkraut, now, y-you're just a dupe.

So I have decided to let you off easy.

From now until retirement age, you will peel potatoes on a Navy garbage scull.

Thank you, sir.

Admiral, since we all know what the score is around here, I think you can dispense with my presence?

I could have dispensed with your presence at 7:00.

I merely want assurance that these men will receive the punishment they deserve.

I shall so suggest in my report.

You're going to make a report?

I most certainly am.

And I shall mention them all by name.

My fiancee, of course, had nothing to do with it, I'm sure.

As for this young lady, I don't know her, but she's a criminal type if I ever saw one.

Make sure that she's in your report.

Get her name right.

She's my daughter.

Your daughter?

Young foghorn.

Look, dad, let's not be silly about this.

You can't put Fergie in the brig.

No?

Watch me!

Well, if you want a jailbird for a son-in-law, it's up to you.

What?

I'm going to marry Fergie.

And the sooner the better.

Julie, I don't think now is exactly the...

You keep quiet.

I was only trying to... Quiet!

Julie, I will not permit you to sacrifice yourself for this harebrained excuse for a lieutenant.

It won't be any sacrifice.

I'll enjoy every minute.

Well then, let me say, I forbid you.

Dad, I've got to marry, Fergie.

And he's got to marry me.

Julie, think what you are saying.

You mean it's necessary?

Sorry, dad.

S-s-sir, she doesn't mean that.

She's only trying... Julie?

You're putting a rope around my neck.

Sir, would you take the word of an officer and a gentleman?

Where is he? Listen, sir.

I swear, nothing happened tonight.

All we did was have dinner, sir.

Dinner.

And a couple of short vodkas.

That's all. Is there any crime against that, sir?

Nice going, Julie!

Thank you.

If you don't believe every word I say, sir, forget the 30 years, and swing me from the highest yard arm, sir.

I'm considering that.

Start glowing, Fergie.

You're gonna need it.

Excuse me, sir.

I think we should discuss this calmly, and without passion.

I don't blame you for being upset, sir.

I'd be upset myself, sir, if I were in the spot you're in.

I'm in a spot?

However, I think I can get you out of it.

As I see it, sir.

Your problem is threefold.

First, your daughter.

Naturally you're concerned about her, and why not?

You can put your mind at rest, sir.

Because I'm going to be your son-in-law.

That's a comforting thought.

Fergie, you're an honorable man.

So much for your first problem.

Your second, sir.

How to overlook my crimes and still preserve your honors and officers.

Frankly, sir.

That has me worried.

This isn't really happening?

No, no.

I-I-I'm home in bed.

I-I'm fast asleep.

Admiral, do you realize what this man is doing?

He's making you look like a...

Well, like a... Like a what?!

You know your duty, sir.

That money out there.

Why don't you return it to the casino immediately?

Why don't you close your loud mouth?

Pam!

We need that money.

If Jason doesn't get it, he may not marry me.

You're going to marry Jason eldridge?

Did I forget to mention that?

Yes.

Pam!

Our engagement is off.

I believe I prefer it that way, old man.

I think I'll turn this whole thing over to the fleet psychiatrist.

We haven't discussed problem 3, sir.

Let's not miss problem 3.

You don't seem to realize, sir.

Your whole naval career is teetering on the brink of disaster.

A few minutes ago I was only in a bad spot.

What happened to me since?

Sir, out on that table is a sizable bet.

And if one of our numbers hits, and it will, sir, there will be a fortune involved.

And where is half of that fortune supposed to go, sir?

To the Navy relief, sir.

That's where it's supposed to go.

It is?

You remember me telling you, lieutenant?

50 percent of our take earmarked for our boys in the United States Navy.

Certainly you remember, Jason?

I have a wonderful memory.

Admiral, I don't have to lecture you on the importance of Navy relief.

And I know you don't want to stand in the way.

So I think we should adjourn this meeting.

And go take care of our boys, in the service.

Sir, if you turn your back on this Navy windfall, I refuse to be responsible for your future.

Out!

Everybody out!

Except you!

What are you waiting for?

Get out! Get out!

Outside!

Lieutenant, in my long career in the Navy, I have never struck a man.

But the time is now ripe.

Take off your coat!

Sir, listen, think about the difference of our ages.

Never mind the excuses.

Put up your hands!

Sir, listen, you can't do this.

No, let's see.

Admiral, I got to speak to you.

Later, later.

Sir, it's top urgent.

The Soviet consul likes to know what's happening in here.

The whole deal.

They just called a press conference.

So?

They say, sir, that the United States Navy has conspired through an electronic formula to break the bank of this casino.

And the Republic of Italy along with it.

No, that's ridiculous.

The exact words are, in propaganda language, "looting the resources of a friendly power in violation of sacred covenants."

Sir, they could blow this up like a balloon.

I hope you're a happy man, lieutenant.

You have now succeeded in fomenting an international crisis. Single-handed.

Sir, there's a very simple solution to this whole thing.

Let me go out to that table.

I'll call off all the bets and leave the casino.

For good, sir.

With how much?

Well, I'm not sure, sir.

But maybe a few hundred million lire...

A few hundred million... you call that a...

You may have an idea, lieutenant.

Thank you, sir.

But I am going to go you one better.

Yes, sir.

You say one of your 3 numbers is bound to win?

Can't help it, sir.

Therefore, any other 3 numbers are bound to lose.

That's right, sir.

Therefore, and hear me good, lieutenant, hear me good.

You are going out to that table, and you are going to lose every, single million!

Umph.


What's going on?

Is he letting you gamble?

He insists on it. What?

I thought he was going to court-martial you?

He is.

Go ahead, lieutenant.

Let's have no foul-up.

Sit down!

Don't you have a report to write up?

No, I have decided against it.

After all, in a few weeks, they are going to give me Rome.

When I finish my report, you'll be lucky to get Liechtenstein.

Are we ready to gamble?

If you can call it that.

Your numbers are 8, 11 and 30.

Is that correct?

Correct.

All set, Fergie?

Change of numbers.

What?

What?

I want 9, 16, and 2.

You want what?

What?

Will you stop saying what?

Just switch the bets.

For Pete's sakes, why?

Yes, signore.

Why?

Your system has broken down perhaps?

Look, I'm making a simple request.

I want this on 9, I want this on 16, and I want...

No, no changes!

The bets have been placed.

It is too late.

Now, wait a minute! No waiting!

Spin the wheel.

Hold it!

Want a riot? A riot?

This could start a war.

Now you listen to me... No!

You listen to me?

I said there is no such a thing as a system, and I will prove it.

Start the ball.

And no tricks, carbieri, watch every move of the signore?

Every move.

The ball is spinning.

The winning number is

9, 27, and 30.

All bets are off.

All bets are not off.

Number 30 wins!

Those chips belong to the casino.

Gentlemen... Now, please...

You listen to me, old eldridge.

Money or no money... Yeah, sure.

Bets or no bets, you're going to marry me, do you hear?

If you don't, my father will have you stuffed!

So that's the way it is, is it, Harvey?

Signalman Taylor here.

Seems to be some excitement over at the casino.

Arrest that man!


Take me to a blacksmith shop.

In venice, sir?

What for?

Good heavens, sir!

Who's responsible for this?

That's my future son-in-law.


Beau, it's all right.

We're married.