The Hot Chick (2002) Script

Where is my bride?

My wedding dress. Quickly, put it on.

Soon you'll live your life in jewels and not chains.

Come, child.

Your groom awaits you.

Honeybees, all right, all right!

Honeybees, all right!

Whoo! Honeybees, all right, all right!

Honeybees, all right! Whoo!

Go... go... Go... go...

Honeybees! Honeybees! Honeybees! Honeybees!

You ready, hildenburg?

Yes.

Great.

I have one question.

Why am I dressed like one of the fenmore foxes?

Aren't they our hated crosstown rivals?

Yes... but...

This year's theme is unity... For all cheerleaders.

Have fun.

wipe out the foxes!

Boys are cheats and liars.

They're such a big disgrace.

They will tell you anything to get to second...

Baseball, baseball, he thinks he's gonna score.

If you let him go all the way, then you are a...

Hor... ticulture studies flowers --

No, she didn't.

Girlfriend's Booty be all wrapped up in licious.

All wrapped up.

You're pretty dope and phat yourselves.

Ling-ling! You forgot lunch, baby pie!

Chicken with fried vegetable, bulgogi, and kimchi.

Thanks, mom.

Okay. You all learn real good now.

Ling-ling? Ling-ling?

Can somebody answer the phone?

Dang, that's messed up.

Out of all the Korean liquor stores, why did my dad have to walk into that one?

I'm returning your papers on the Salem witch trials.

I'm sad to report that Eden, here, got the only "a."

Well, that's not fair.

I mean, she was the only one who was actually there.

Vice-principal Bernard.

Miss Spencer, wonderful job this morning.

You certainly know how to whip up a crowd.

As pretty as you are, I bet you really whipped them up back when you were cheerleading captain?

Me? No, no, no.

I was much more of a band chick, actually -- tuba --

Lead tuba -- honor band. well, then you wouldn't mind writing us some passes so we could, practice some new moves?

Jessica, I-i-i don't know about that.

You know, that trophy is gonna look so good in your office.

All right.


whoo!

That's really good.

Um... how much do I owe you?

It's okay. It's on the house.

Really?!

Who's gonna pay for that, asshole?

You are not gonna make it in this business. you total binger!

April, this is gonna go straight to your ass.

"Itchbay" alert.

Bianca.

Jessica, you look great!

Are you doing something different or just hanging out with skankier friends?

Wow, Bianca, you look really good, too.

Um... are you eating less or just barfing more?

Barfing more.

Good luck at the cheer competition.

Yeah.

You too.

Bye-bye.

Agh!

My god!

Let's go, winona.

Jess, what are you doing?

Hang on a sec.

Whoa.

This is kind of cool. can I help you ladies?

Yeah. What is this?

Yeah, I like that, too.

It's actually a senegalese lute carved from deerwood, used for fertility rituals and...

Sure. Yeah. Cool.

And you can put your weed in there.

Check this out.

Yeah. That's beautiful.

It's actually a model of the prison on robben island where Nelson Mandela was held 27 years.

And before the collapse of apartheid, of course.

Yeah, he came out pretty hate-free, though, you know, ready to heal --

Went on to become the president of South Africa after that -- after they freed him, of course, sure.

Wow. Yeah.

A lot of people don't realize this, but you can put your weed in there.

This is great. Sure.

Well, if you have any more questions, I'll be in the back sleeping, so...

Great.

Okay. Thanks.

Actually, this is the back. Sorry.

This stuff makes me feel so proud to be African-American.

You walk right by crazy nail, no say "hi" me.

Hi, mom.

Bye, girls!

Fake pearls!


stop banging those drums!

I didn't even know you could hear that.

My god. Look at those earrings.

I'd be the envy of every girl at prom.

Not like that was in jeopardy or anything.

Um, excuse me. How much are these?

Not for sale. That's a genuine artifact.

No!

No!

Okay, I'm all set.

Is that all you got -- $18?!

It's a gas station.

Everybody pays with credit cards nowadays.

Help yourself to some nachos.

Hey, that's for Doug flutie's kids!

Aah!

Aah! Aah!

I'm in here! help!

Whoo!

Agh!

Agh!

You look really good.

Really good.

Um, excuse me...

The gas cap's on that side.

I'm sorry.

Hello...

Full service.

And, um, could you, like, check the oil and all that other junk under the hood?

Like his job is that hard.

Minimum wage for a maximum loser.

Good one.

Hey... check this out.

Sorry. Accident.

You're so bad!

I'm okay.

It's okay. I'm okay.

Hey, how much you bet I can get him again?

Oops.

whoo!


I'm so pretty.

Booger.

Booger!

I told you not to go through my stuff.

What are you doing wearing my bra?!

I'm not wearing your bra.

I was simply holding it against myself.

Get out of my room, you little turd!

Wait a minute.

What happened to you?

Nothing.

Did that Cavanaugh kid do this to you?

All right. Come here.

He is such a punk.

You know, one of these days, he's gonna get it.

There you go.

Better.

Is that my lipstick?!

Ohhhhh!


hey.

Hi.

Jess, when you do that...

My whole leg tingles and shakes.

Really?

Well, what happens if I kiss you...

There?

You have to come snowboarding with me this weekend.

Silly Billy nilly, I told you I'm not having sex with you.

No.

We could sip hot chocolate and play scrabble with my little brother.

You call it whatever you want.

I'm still not having sex with you.

Billy...

Look...

You know how important this is to me.

And when that special moment happens, I just... I want it to be perfect.

I would never dream of rushing you.

Thank you, Billy.

If you change your mind, we could drive up together.

I'll wait behind for you. front... Behind...

I'm still not doing it.

Good night, Billy.


Your life is like a fairytale.

You and Billy are, like, totally Disney.

You know, it's scary sometimes.

I just... I don't know what I'd do if things weren't so... Perfect.

I'm so glad you're my best friend.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay. Good night.

Bye.


Aaaaaaah!

Aaaaaaaah!

Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

Jessica, honey, is everything all right? yes, mother.

It's just a spider.

A really big, disgusting spider.

Hi. It's April. Leave me a message.

This isn't happening. This isn't happening!

It's sick!

Sick!

Ooh!


Hey, dad! Can I have this cake for breakfast? yeah. Whatever. Go for it.

Booger, what the hell are you doing eating my boss's cake?

I-I thought you just said I could eat it.

Ooh.

God...

Where's my...?!

April, it's me -- Jessica.

I need you to meet me right after class out by the track.

Is this really Jessica?

My god, are you getting a cold?

The competition's only a week away.

We may have bigger problems.

April...

April...

April!

Agh!

Whoa!

You stay away from me!

I have pepper spray on my key chain!

April, I need you so bad right now.

You have no idea.

How do you know my name?

It's me...

Jessica!

I'm in here.

What did you do with her?

I don't know what happened.

I woke up this morning...

Like this.

Aah!

And what did I tell you about these things?! Aah! Aah!

They go straight to your ass!

People are gonna be looking for me!

You gotta believe me! I'm warning you!

Please, I'm Jessica! Aah!

Aah! Aaah! Aaaaaaah!

Agh! Agh!

Aaah!!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah! Agh!

Agh!

my god!

I think I broke a rib!

My eyes burn!

I can't breathe!

This morning, I woke up a man!

This is by far the worst day of my life!

April!

Do you remember in second grade when you moved here from Arkansas?

Everybody threw rocks at you...

Because you talked funny and your front two teeth were brown!

I was your only friend.

I gave you that locket around your neck when your grandmother was sick.

And you said...

You said...

We'd be bestest friends forever.

Boys are cheats and liars.

They're such a big disgrace.

They will tell you anything to get to second...

Baseball, baseball, he thinks he's gonna score.

If you let him go all the way, then you are a...

Hor... ticulture studies flowers.

Geologist studies rocks.

The only thing a guy wants from you is place to put his...

Cock... roaches, beetles, butterflies, and bugs.

Nothing makes him happier than a giant pair of...

Jug... glers and acrobats, a dancing bear named Chuck.

All guys really want to do is -- Forget it, no such luck.

My god!

My god!

How did this happen?

I don't know what to do.

Okay, okay.

Here.

Go to my house and wait for me in my room.

Don't worry. We're gonna figure this thing out.

Here.

You are my bestest, bestest friend.

Watch the beard.

Sorry.

hi.

Okay, so, listen, she bought it.

I told your mom that you're going on that ski trip with Billy's family, and that'll at least buy us the weekend.

You think I'll be stuck like this all weekend?!

Aah!

Gross.

Agh!

I've got hair everywhere --

In my nose, in my ears, on my chin.

I'm afraid to look anywhere else.

It's like I'm an ad for hair.

Okay, well, listen, maybe this will help.

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay. Against the grain.

Okay, ready?

Hold still. aaah!

Grrrah! Agh!

So...

So...

What?

Do you really have a penis?

April!

Can I see it?

What is the matter with you?!

I don't think you get the gravity of the situation here.

You're right. You're right. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Can I see it?

W-- what is your problem?

What?

It's not every day that your best friend grows a penis.

Do you want to see it?

Okay, fine --

If it'll shut you up.

Nice.

Nice.

I mean, you know...

I've only seen a couple, but that's definitely top 5.

How many have you seen?

Five.

Not including my little brother's.

You little tramp!

Aah! aah! Aah!

Aah!

Aaah!

Aah! Aah!

Motherfuck!!

Stan...

I am beginning to worry about April.

She has been acting rather strange.

Is it drugs? No, no.

I... i think it's her hormonal development.

She just ate six peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches and an entire carton of ice cream.

And what do you make of this?

It's April's soap.

Well?

What do you think?

I think you need more things to fill out your day.

Okay?

Are we done?

Hello?

All right, who is this?

I should have made love to you when I had the chance.

Father mulcahy?

tell me I'm beautiful.

On the inside.

Look...

Jessica has a problem.

She's only gonna make us wait an hour this time?

What about the class trip to six flags?

She took so long in the bathroom, we all missed the bus.

Our parents had to drive three hours to pick us up.

I had my period, okay?!

Okay, now that everybody's up to speed, can we start thinking about how I can get my life back?

Um, that's definitely gonna cost you a few votes for prom queen.

Yeah.

Okay.

Come on, you guys, let's get serious. Stop dicking around.

Guys!

I've got cheerleading competition, the prom.

None of my clothes fit. I think I'm going bald.

And how am I gonna go to school?

She's right.

Okay...

Let's think.

What could have caused this?

maybe it wasn't an accident.

It's gotta be one of the people who hates Jessica that did this.

Yeah.

What are you talking about?

People don't hate me.

You see, Jess...

Because you are so beautiful and perfect...

Certain people might misconstrue some of the mean and hurtful things you say and do to them.

Although the things you say are funny...

People tend to focus more on their own public humiliation and shame.

So you're saying...

People think...

I'm perfect?

Let's make a list of all the people who hate Jessica.

You know what would be a shorter list?

All the people who don't hate Jessica.

You bitch!

Easy on the coffee.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ho ho ho!

Aah!

Ha ha ha!

Aah!

Ha ha ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Agh!


Hi.

Good morning.

Did you sleep well?

Surprisingly, yes.

You have any...

Special dreams?

Not particularly.

You sure?

Why?

My god, my first boner!

There you are!

You're the gardener from the service, right? sí.

Damn lawn's a mess.

It's my daughter's responsibility to look after it, but you know teenage girls.

Sí, sí.

"Teenageros."

Sorry. Richie Spencer.

Um...

Taquito.

Taquito.

There's the mower.

There's your bag of fertilizer.

Ho! I'll let you get to it.

Damn, I love the smell of fresh-cut grass.

Gracias, but... I'm not sure I'm old enough, señor. yeah, right.

What is the drinking age in Mexico -- 40?

Come on, take a load off. You can finish in a minute.

Hope you don't mind the light beer.

I had to cut back on account of the bloating.

Know what I mean?

I also had to give up the spicy food on account of my asshole.

We're amongst men, aren't we?

"Stinko de Mayo."

You like that car?

That's my daughter's.

Pretty nice?

It would have looked even better in red.

That's what my daughter said.

We used to go out back on Sundays and toss a few baskets, shoot the shit.

But she's got her own stuff going on now.

Who could blame her? Whole family's falling apart.

What?

Things with the wife -- Forget about it.

I mean, we sleep in the same bed.

Might as well be separate countries.

That is, like, so sad.

Ay-yi-yi!

Ay-yi... yi.

I tried everything. Nothing worked.

I even got out the razor and gave myself a porn-star trim.

Wanna see? Check it out.

Aah!

Boy, she used to be wild.

The sex was great.

We'd be going at it, and she could still find a way to twist around and kiss me on the mouth.

Señor, information too mucho.

Emotional "scarro" -- Disgusting.

It's good talking to you, taquito.


Hey, Jessica! Jessica!

Come here!

We've got a suspect.

Yes!

Come on.

Something smells like dog pooh.

I think I'm sitting next to it.

Ew!

Come on, hildenburg, don't play dumb.

You hate Jessica, you're good at this science crap.

Now, just confess and give us the antidote.

April, it's physically impossible for a woman to transform into a man overnight.

So you're saying that you had nothing to do with this.

Look...

Let's just pretend this was an alternate universe where I actually believed you.

Why would I want to help Jessica out, anyway?

Jessica!

Hildenburg...

I'm sorry that I humiliated you in front of the entire school...

And the visiting 8th-graders. but you have no idea what it's like to wake up every morning and have to shave your chin.

yes, I do.

Who's next on the list? whoa.

Well, it is cold in here.

So you never put a hex on me?

I put plenty of hexes on you --

To give you dandruff, make your hair fall out, make one of your boobs bigger than the other.

I think you got me with that one.

Heh hee hee! Hee hee!

There's some powerful cult magic at work here...

Like an ancient spell...

Or voodoo...

Or santeria.

What's santeria?

It's a Latin-based form of witchcraft.

It originated in Africa and then eventually made its way to Cuba and Brazil.

Bianca!

I knew it.

Most of its rituals involve a chicken.

That sounds delicious.

I mean, interesting. there's a way to tell.

A true practitioner of santeria bears the Mark of the scorpion tattooed on their back.

Bianca's always hanging out at that dance club -- Instant tang.

Yeah, tonight's ladies' night, and we all get in for free!

Well, most of us.

Trust me --

You'll never get Bianca to dance with you looking like this.

No... no...

What is that?

No... no... no...


what?

Nothing.

You just look good.

Really?

Yeah.

Okay. Thanks.

No, she's not gonna... No, he -- she's not gonna do it.

Yes, she is.

Wow!

That is so good.

T-that's $8.95.

What?

Aren't you just gonna take it out of your tip jar?

Aah!

$8.95? Yeah.

I got that.


I'll take two banana daiquiris, one mango, a sloe-gin fizz, one slippery nipple, a screaming orgasm on the beach with extra sugar on the rim.

Yum!

Better make that last one a brewski.

double brewski.

they didn't even card me.

It's just like cabo.

how does a butt plug like that get all those hot chicks?

I got dibs on the dots. god damn!

Ooh, he's cute.

Check out the sweet buns on that guy.

I'd like to get my hands on those and... wish they were women's breasts and... squeeze the hell out of 'em.

Maybe put a steak on 'em...

'Cause I'm a guy.

That's what guys like me like to do.

But I don't need to tell you that.

Bianca.

I'll show her.

This is my song. remember, the scorpion on her back.

I'll find it.


ew!

The tattoo!

I don't see it!

Right hand, red.

Ooh... left hand, blue.

Ooh!

Ha!

Aaaaaah!


It's definitely not her.

Don't worry. We'll figure this out.

You're a great dancer.

You're just noticing that now?

I gotta hit the little girls' room before I soak my panties.

Um... by that, I mean...

My girlfriend's panties...

Which I carry with me...

To pee in...

If I don't make it in time...

To the bathroom.

What?

You don't pee in your girlfriend's panties?

What kind of gay club is this?

Hey, everybody, check out this guy --

Not peeing in his chick's panties.

excuse me...

Do you have to be in here for this?

Well, it's part of my job description, but if you're one of those shy guys, you try that stall there.

There's someone in there.

And they're gonna be in there for a long time, too.

I told him to stay away from the calamari.

Some folks think they can eat anything that crawls.

Would you mind?

Ooh!!

Ooh, hoo!

Excuse me?

Why is there ice in there?

Ooh! I wouldn't have done that.

You're good at that.

You make it look so easy.

Why don't you just take a picture?

all right.

Here goes.

Disgusting! Wrinkly! Gross!

Ew!

I've never done this before.

It's going all over.

It's always good to aim at something, like that cigarette there... Or the big mint.

It's going everywhere!

You got to hold on to it. not too tight, but enough to let it know you're the boss.

See that fly?

Aim for it.

That's -- that's helping.

That's it.

Remember, if you shake it more than twice, you're playing with it.

I don't know how I could ever thank you.

Hi!

That was an experience.

Here's your drink.

Is there any ice in here?

No.

Thank god!

Hey... aren't you that chick who's having sex with that college guy?

No!

Wanna be?

She's not interested, okay?

So why don't you just back off?

Okay, grandpa.

What are you, their pimp, and these are your skank hoes?

You and me, right now -- Let's go.

Where we going?

Aah! No!

Jess!

Come on, Jess. Come on! You can do it.

What do you got, geezer? Come on!

You can do it! Come on!

Show me what you got!

Come on!

What the...

What's he doing?

Some kind of tae-queer-do.

That's it!

No! Aaah!

Aah!

Ha ha!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Jess!

Ooh, yeah! Yeah! Yes!

That really does hurt.

Thanks for sticking up for me.

Now go kick some ass.

Aah!!

Aah!

You think you're so cool 'cause you can pee with your penis.

Get a new conditioner.

Your ends are totally split.

You rock!

April, I don't know.

Come on. This is the only way you can be in school. here comes Jake.

Hi! Hey, baby.

So, skiing sucked.

I mean, you didn't miss a thing. It was all mushed out.

What's with the scarf?

It's kinda chilly in here.

Ski rash.

So, I'm gonna --

I better -- I'm gonna go to class, so... All right.

April, I am so sorry. he didn't even ask me to the prom.

Jake and I are so over.

Okay...

Now, you get in there.

And remember -- Your name is Spence.

I must tell you... Spence, there are applicants who actually have prior janitorial experience.

Your hair --

It has such bounce.

It's this new cream ri--

Um, anyway, a-as I was saying, you haven't really provided me with --

Look...

I'll be honest with you.

I'm a struggling musician.

Ever since my days playing the tuba in the high-school marching band --

Y-you -- you -- You play the tuba?

Yes...

In the honor band.

Well, Spence, I'd be going out on a limb here, but --

You won't regret it, I promise.

Thank you, miss Bernard. Thank you. please, call me Marjorie.

Marjorie.

Now, if you'll just fill out the security portion here of the form... all right.

Billy...

Aah!

We need to talk.

About what?!

I called you on your ski trip to --

That was you?!

Yeah.

God!

I can explain.

Billy, wait!

I gotta do what?

hi, there. I miss you.

Hi, Sam.

Hey, taquito, think fast.

you got me, señor.

Taquito, pick up that ball.

You and me are gonna shoot some hoops.

gotcha!

Back to Tijuana!


Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-al!

how are things with the missus, señor?

Still not getting any.

When was the last time you kissed her?

You mean, kiss her, or kiss her kiss her?

Eugggh!

Señor, sometimes when a woman is ignoring you, that's when she wants you the most.

She's only waiting for you to open up her passion, which is like a waterfall waiting to explode.

You must get a lot of enchilada, taquito.

Come on, bring it!

Tres points, señor.

Lucky shot.

My outs again, señor.

How did you know I don't move so well to my right?

Booger?

Have you seen your sister?

I feel like I haven't talked to her in days.

She was here a minute ago. You just missed her.

Good game.

señor Richie?

I need to tell you something... but I can't.

What do you got going on, taquito?

I'm not really a gardener.

I agree with that. The roses look like shit.

I'm sorry.

Come on, now, easy there, big fella.

They're just roses.

I want to tell you...

I think you're the greatest dad in the world.

Any kid would be lucky to have you as their father.

Thanks, taquito.

I'd hate to see you after you lose a game.

Okay, did you eat any wolfsbane?

No.

Any sex with a leprechaun?

Not recently.

My god.

You know, they should come with a warning --

"earrings may come with penis." this be some serious shit.

Those belonged to Princess nawa.

There's a myth of her using the earrings to escape a bad marriage.

But she didn't know that she had to bring the earrings back together, and she lived out her life as a slave girl.

Now, it appears that this myth is anything but.

Would you stop with the damn drumming?

I'm sorry.

I... just was really getting into your story.

You've got to find that other earring and unite them before the full moon end.

I got you, babe. Don't worry about it.

Hey, ling-ling!

Ling-ling!

Ling-ling, look!

Look, I help! I help you!

Hey, Billy.

Yeah!

Is he okay?

Whoo!

what's the matter, man?

You afraid the janitor's gonna see your dingdong?

So, what's up with you and the prom queen?

I don't know.

I thought everything was fine, but I guess I was wrong.

See, that's why you gotta have a spare, man.

That's what April is. She's my spare.

Spare?

Yeah, she's my backup.

I mean, she was a fun ride -- No doubt about this --

But she is a previously owned vehicle.

I'm into that new-car smell.

You asshole!

W-whoever left these towels over here...

Is an asshole.

Now, this new chick I got --

Dude, she is gonna be the hottest chick at the prom.

I bet one of her little hottie friends would love to go out with the quarterback.

I don't know, man. Come on, man.

Maybe this one will put out, unlike that cold fish, Jessica.

You go to hell!

Whoever left these showers on...

Go to... Hell.

Hey...

Jessica's anything but a cold fish, all right?

She's the most amazing girl in the whole world.

Dude, you've never even been out of California.

I don't care.

I love her.

I mean, I know she thinks I only want to have sex with her, but that's not what it's about.

I mean, when that moment comes...

I want it to be perfect.

Wow.

That is the gayest thing I have ever heard.

She's the only girl that makes my heart beat faster and slower at the same time.

When I'm not with her...

I'm not living.

I'm only existing until I can hold her in my arms again.

Gay, gay, gay, gay.

Somebody shit in the locker.

Can I help you find something?

I-i was looking for my...

Earring.

It, accidentally fell...

Into the lawn mower...

And, Ricocheted into the window.

I've always liked earrings on men.

Would you like some lemonade?

Here you go, taquito.

It's got a Mexican flavor to it.

What the hell is that?!

Quesadilla and spicy menudo with jalapeños --

Your national dish.

I'm sorry. it's been so long since I heard you laugh.

I mean...

Since I started working here.

Back!

I -- I am so sorry. no problemo.

No problemo. aah! Carol! Carol! Please!

This would be very unnatural for me in at least five different ways!

So... you like men?

Of course I do.

What do you think?

Carol...

You are a beautiful and very desirable woman.

And you have a husband who's dying to be with you.

H-he said that?

Yes.

I cleaned up the language a bit, but... Yes.

I know!

Let's go paint your toenails.

Then we'll wash your hair!

My daughter, Jessie, used to do those things for me.

I'll make up for that right now.

Come on...

Let's show that man of yours what he's been missing. come on! okay!

Sí, yeah, sí, sí.

Okay.

Sí, sí, sí.

Sí, sí.

To the left -- ooh, right, right, right, right!

Yes!!

Sí. I love that. Yes!

Carol!

How could you?! In my own house?!

And you, taquito -- We were supposed to be amigos!

The loofah for the scrubbing. The sc-- get out!

Señor, is for the -- The bath. I was --

Shut up-o. I was scrubbing.

Out! Señor...

Richie, Richie... really, I-it's -- It's not what you think.

It's my own fault.

Daddy!

Daddy!

Look at all these earrings.

It's hopeless.

I'm sorry.

The prom's in three days.

Forget about the cheer competition.

I had it all.

And I never really appreciated it.

I took everybody for granted.

And today, my dad walked in on me and my mom in the tub.

I think I may have lost my job as gardener.

You know, I'm kinda sorry to say this, but... this has been really fun.

Yeah, right.

Hey, babe, it's Jake.

Listen, I got a half-hour after wrestling.

I can either take a shower or I can come on over.

too late, dude.

She's with me right now.

She says that my peepee's way bigger than yours.

And that's if I fold it in half.

Wha--

No way!

My god, that was awesome, Spence. anytime.

You know, I really thought I was in love.

How do you know for sure, anyway?

I think it's when you find someone that you can really be yourself with...

Share anything... You know?

You mean like best friends?

Yeah.

Love's when you can't even imagine what your life would be like without that other person, when words don't come close to how your heart really feels.

And even though it doesn't make sense to other people, you kn you're meant to be together.

And you spend all night thinking about him.

And in the morning, you've never felt more rested.

It's like you have to grab on to something, 'cause it seems like your whole body's about to float away.

Okay... what?

I have an idea.

What? What, what?

Tell -- it might sound kind of crazy.

Tell me. Tell me. What?

Why don't you and I go to the prom together?

That would be awesome!

Yeah! Yeah!

So cool!

Aaah!

Yeah!

We'd make Jake so jealous.

Yeah.

I got to pee. Ooh, I got to pee.

Ooh.

Hoo!

Jeez!

Sorry, I'll get that.

Are you okay?

I'll get it.

Sorry.

Jessica?

Jessica?!

Jessica!

Jessica.

Thank god.

I love you, baby.

I would do anything for you. yeah?

how much money you got?

What?

How much money you got?

Um...

About $40.

That your car?

It's my dad's.

You know that.

Yeah. Cool.

Give me the keys.

Thanks.

Hey, so, w-what'd you say your name was?

Billy.

Yeah. Ooh.

Take it easy, Bobby. it's "Billy."

Aaah!

Yeah.

Where's Jessica? don't worry, miss Bernard.

She'll be here.

Hey.

I really hope this works, Jessica.

Come on, let's go kick some ass.

Okay.

Aah.!

Dude, there's Jessica.

Whatever.

Dude!

Number one!

She do love me.


Whoo-hoo!

The bees are coming! The bees are coming!

Sting this!

That's you! That's you! I see you!

Yeah!

Whoa! Aaah!

Aaah!

Je--

Come on, man.

Ladies and gentlemen, it appears the older gentleman in the bee outfit with the fake boobs is the school janitor.

As per section 31c of the rule book, school employees are allowed to be mascots.

Say hello to your new champions --

The Bridgetown honeys! aaah! Aaah! Aaah!

Aaah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Aaah! Aaah! Aaah! Aaah!

Whoo-hoo!


Here's a bizarre story for you --

Police are now searching for the hot chick bandit --

A beautiful young woman who lures men into dark alleyways, beats them senseless, and takes their wallets.

Well, we thought maybe she needed some help.

Yeah, we're helpful guys.

So we went into the alley, and then she starts wailing on me.

And let me tell you -- She didn't hit like a girl.

Luckily, fitzy, the good guy that he is --

He was hiding behind a dumpster with a video camera.

Looks like she worked you over pretty good.

Yeah, well, don't get me wrong --

I got some shots in.

Why? God.

God, that hurt.

Why?!

Hi, it's April. Leave me a message.

April, it's hildenburg.

I think I found Jessica's body. It's in an alley outside a bar.

But we got to move fast, because the police are already looking for it.

Call me back.

Aaaahhh!


Jessica?

not now, booger.

I knew it!

Jessie, it is you!

How come you didn't snitch on me?

'Cause you're my sister, and I accept you for who you are.

Come here.

You are such a little weirdo.


Ooh...

Sweet as cand-y!

Ling-ling!

"L" to the "I" to the "n" to the "g."

Ling-ling, you forgot your bling-bling.

Mom... you're ruining my life!

I just want to meet you halfway.

Nigga, "prease"!

I wish my mama got me some bling-bling.

Honey, if you don't want her as your mama, I'll take her.

Girl, please. Girl, please.


You still think I have a chance at prom queen?

No.

Okay.

Mom!

I'm sorry.

But why do you have to keep embarrassing me in front of my friends?

You're not ashamed of me.

You're really ashamed of yourself.

Tell Lulu --

Easy on the chronic.


H-h-hi, Carol.

Jessica didn't get ready here.

No. No, she hasn't been here all week.

I knew it! something is going on with Jessica and April.

I'm gonna get to the bottom of it.

If you ruin April's night, I will have you put away.

Wh--

I-if you're not gonna help me, I-I'm gonna do it myself.


I think this is a good spot.

Jake's got to come right by here.

I don't really care about Jake anymore.

You shouldn't. He's a jerk.

There's no one I'd rather be with here tonight.

Me either.

April, you look so beautiful tonight.

No one has ever been there for me like you have.

You've always been there for me.

Any guy would be so lucky to have you as their girlfriend.

And I should know.

I've been a guy for almost a week now.

And in that time, you have been such a good friend to me.

I don't know how I could ever thank you.

Ehhhh...

Here he comes.

That dress looks great.

Is it easy to get out of?

God.

Aaah!

I am so lesbian right now.

We totally nailed him.

Jake is so jealous.

He spilled his drink all over his date.

You should've seen it.

We already got him, honey. He can't see us anym--

Spence, I love you.

I love you, too, April.

If you weren't holding on to me right now...

I'd float away.

You're my best friend, and now you're a guy.

It's meant to be.

April...

You don't need me or any guy to make you feel beautiful and special...

Because you are.

You are the greatest girl in the whole world.

You are all you need.

I know it's crazy, but I can't help it.

I'm in love with you, Spence.


April...

You gonna be okay?

I'm sorry.

Don't be.

We're not gonna let a little thing like...

Me turning into a man and you wanting to be with me get in the way of our friendship, are we?

I'm in love with Billy.

And if I'm gonna be stuck like this forever, he's just gonna have to accept me as I am --

A man.

That's my man.

I think I know who's in Jessica's body.

And I know where we can find him.

Let's find Jessica and get out of here.

Hildenburg, you know what to do.

Come on.

Aah!

Come on.

That's a huge bitch.

I didn't see it coming.

No way, man. scoot. He's mine.

Boy, I don't think so.

Aah! get away!

Billy...

It's me -- Jessica.

It's always been me.

Mister...

You're freaking me out.

You know how when I touch you there, it makes your whole leg tingle?

And when I touch you here...

No. No. No, it can't be.

Do you remember after the homecoming game...

After you threw the winning pass to beat carlmont, you and I went behind the scoreboard and...

You got to believe me.

Silly... billy... nilly.

Just close your eyes.

You'll know it's me.


I can't! I can't do it!

You always said you'd love me no matter what.

Bu-- I -- You're a 30-year-old dude!

Just on the outside!

Billy! bil--

We found your body.

It'll be fine. Are you sure she's all right?

I'm sure everything's gonna be fine. Booger!

Booger, hurry up!

Come on, buddy!

You got to learn to run in those heels if you're gonna wear them.


shit!

I knew it was gonna be a good night.

God.

Thanks, hildenburg.

I want my body back right now!

Well, finders keepers, sweetheart.

How dare you?! Do you know what this could do to my lungs?!

You give me that earring! Give me that earring!

You give me that earring.

Give it to me. Give it. Give it to me.

Okay. Okay, okay, okay.

Sit down. Calm down. Calm down.

I'll make you a deal, okay?

Now...

Just let me make another 500 bucks tonight, okay?

And then I'll give you your body back

'cause it's so important to you.

"I'm crying about my body."

And then...

You can just loan it to me every other weekend and -- so I can pay off some gambling debts.

Weekends -- Loan you my body.

I want my body back!

Give me my body back!

Give --

Hey...

Look at me.

I'm only gonna tell you this once --

No strangling the dancers or you are out of here!

Now, can't you read?

Now, this is more like it.

I got to hit the head.

hey, don't worry.

We're gonna get him.

Hey, babe. sweetheart.

Hey...

No way!

Jessica?! This is where you've been?

I want a dance from you!

Ye-e-e!

Mar--

So, dancing naked must be fun?

Yeah, sure...

Why wouldn't it be?

Where do you keep your weed, though?

Ohhhh.

That's good.

I don't have one of those.

Sure.

Bye, Spence.

You'll always be my best friend.

Forever.

Billy?

Hi, Mrs. Spencer.

Mr. Spencer.

How's it going, booger?

This isn't the prom.

My god.

anything yet?

No.

There you go! Come on, shake it!

Whoo! You naughty little honeybee.

Yes, you are!

Ho! Whoo!

Anything yet?

No.

I'm all right. I'm o--

hey, buddy? How about a lap dance?

Hey! Can't you read?!

Monday night's gay night.

What?

It's me?

Really?

It is!

It really is!

Aaah!

Taquito?

It's really you.

Billy.

Listen, I... I'm so so--

Doesn't matter.

Nothing matters.

I don't care about the other girl I took to the prom.

I don't care what Jake thinks.

I don't care that you took my money, stole my dad's car, and... tried to run me down with it.

No, I --

None of that matters.

I'll even try to find a way to get over your new job as an exotic dancer.

Billy...

Do you feel that?

You are the only boy who makes my heart beat faster and slower at the same time.


I'm not pressing charges.

Hey, you better get back onstage, little lady.

The only place this little lady is going is home with me and my wife.

Hey, what kind of a place do you think I'm running here, pal?!

Class valedictorian --

Keecia "ling-ling" Jackson.

First of all, I'd like to say I'm very proud to be half Korean.

Thank you, honey!

But don't forget --

You're also one-quarter Jewish!

Mazel tov, baby!

Shalom!

wait! Wait!

Hey, how's it going?

Hey, thanks for helping me out, man.

You're a good man. You're a good guy.

Aaaahhh!


Action!

Okay, let's think.

What could have caused this?

No clue.

I mean, my house is built on an old Indian burial ground --

Sorry. Let's try again.

Okay, let's think.

What could have caused this?

Sorry.

Okay, let's think.

What could have caused this? no clue.

One more time.

What could have caused this?

okay, one more time.

Okay, let's think.

What could have caused this?

okay.

Okay, one more time. I'm ready.

okay, I'll get it.

I'm used to it.

I've got cheerleading practice, the prom.

H-hang on.

Action! no clue.

Cut!

Action! no clue.

I mean, my house is built on an old Indian burial ground.

Sorr--

Aha! Here we go.

Sorry.

Action!

No clue.

I mean -- sorry. I'll get through it.

Aaah! Here we go. I'm sorry. Give me that.

Aaah!

Are you saying...

People think I'm perfect?

Are you saying...

People think I'm perfect?

Sorry.

Are you saying...

People think I'm perfect?

Okay. Okay.

Then we got it?

I think we got it. All right.