The House (2017) Script

Now, if you'll follow me this way onto the quad, we'll continue our campus tour.

So, sweetie, remember, if you drink a beer, you drink a glass of water, all right?

Six-pack of beer, six-pack of water.

Okay. This just sounds like way too much liquid.

Or just don't party at all.

Okay, Mom, you're the one who always talks about how much you smoked pot in college and for a whole semester, you just peed outside.

Okay, they did call me, "Smoke a Lot of Pot and Pee Outside" Kate.

Well... But I regret that.

Okay? Just skip over that part and act like I am now.

Okay. Oh. Let's show her stranger danger.

Do you know stranger danger? I'm sure..

Okay, this is real important. So, I'm a scary frat guy.

- Right? There's a lot of them. Okay.

Mom is you, all right? Lucky me.

Okay. Hey, sweet thing.

My name's Geppetto. Whoa.

Uh, 'cause I make the ladies my puppets. Uh...

Yeah. Right? See? I already don't trust him.

Right? He's a bad guy. Trust your instincts.

Bad guy. Weird choice.

So, you wanna come up to the bro house?

You don't have to answer.

Oh... But, for this scenario, I will.

I'm fine, thank you. I'm getting ready to study.

Oh, but I like the silent type.

You smell good.

You probably think I'm close to you, but I'd like to get closer.

Come, my lady Come, come, my lady You're my sugar pie, honey, baby Then you elbow him in the balls, and then you roll away.

Right there. And you roll.

And the guy's like, "No! My nards." And you get out of there.

So, stay away from guys named Geppetto.

Got it. Thank you. Guys...

I love this school. This is where I wanna go next year.

Oh! We're so happy you love it here!

Let us come with you!

She's just kidding. Nah.

I love you guys.

We love you, too. Come here.

Aw... God, our little baby!

If I get in.

If you get in. If you get in.

That's right. Tough school. It's tough.

Oh, God. No, I don't wanna click it.

I'm not gonna click it. One of you click it. I'm not...

Honey, Alex, you're an A student, okay? Chill. I'm sure you got in.

You know, if they don't want my baby, they're stupid.

The Bisons? What kind of mascot is that?

If they say no to you, I say we say no to them.

Fuck the Bisons! You know?

Yeah. Bucknell, more like Fucknell!


I got in!

You got in! Yes!

Bucknell, I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!

We're Bucknell!

Bucknell, baby! Bucknell! Yeah! Bucknell!

It's a majestic creature, the bison! Bisons! Bisons!

Man, Frank is not looking so hot since Raina left.

Ugh, I can smell that poncho from here.

He looks like Animal from the Muppets.

What's up, you guys? What's up, buddy? How are ya?

Guys. Great party! Frank, buddy.

Yeah, it's going great, huh?

Yeah, we're glad you could come.

You made it. Yeah, of course I made it.

Rode my bike all the way here.

Good. Yeah.

What happened to your car?

I can't find it.

You guys must be pretty psyched, right?

Yeah, we are.

So proud of Alex. She's really grown up.

No, no, no. I'm talking about us.

I'm talking about the three of us, next week. Vegas!

We were thinking about Vegas. Yeah.

What if we push Vegas until the fall?

Yeah. We still go. We just push it a little later.

No. There's only now. There is no later, right?

We'll talk.

All right, buddy. All right.

Guys, high school's over.

And, let's face it, we're not ready for college.

It seems like being a freshman in college means you have to be prepared to get date raped, right?

I don't understand the difference between, like, rape and date rape.

Oh, I think date rape is when you go to dinner and a movie, and then rape.

She's talking to her friends about how sad she is.

Yeah. Look at their body language.

They don't want to leave their parents.

We're gonna pack everything we should have done at high school into this summer.

I mean, I told my parents I'd hang out with them this summer.

That's weird. No, my parents are fun.

For parents, they're fun. For people, they're the worst. I...

Does your mom even talk to you, Rachel?


How did we get so lucky to snag a kid like that?

I don't know.

Kind of feel like I'm losing my best friend.

Gotten so used to it being us three.

What's it gonna be like when it's just us?

Well, it's gonna...

Come on!

I mean, yeah!

Empty nest?

This nest is gonna be filled with our loving.

Yes! Yeah!

It's gonna be a regular fuck fest around here.

Oh, yeah! Get your passport ready.

'Cause we're...

We'll be going to fuck town.

What a nice party.

Hey, thank you so much for the party.

Oh, you're welcome. It was really fun.

I had such a good time.

Rachel invited me over to her house tonight, and I was wondering if I could go.

Well, we were gonna watch Walking Dead.

What's more fun, hanging with your friends, or watching zombies eat people with your parents?

Think it's time for an Alex sandwich?


Please stay, please stay.

Stay, stay, stay.

Okay. Okay, I'll stay.


Brains. Brains.

Oh, no! Oh, no!



Oh, my God! Oh!

All right, town. We'd now like to open up the floor to its citizens.

First up on the docket, Council would like to recognize Officer Chandler.

Good afternoon.

Last Tuesday night at approximately 3:14 a.m., vandals spray-painted what appears to be a male penis and accompanying genitalia on the high school football field.

It has since been removed.

All right.

Town would like to recognize Frank Theodorakis.

$1,500 of fines for the height of my hedges.

This is bullshit, Bob.

Screw this town, I am out Of here. Right after I say this.

Raina, baby, please come home.

- You're my wife. Oh, God.

- I love you and I want you to come home. Frank, shut up. Stop it.

This is the only time I can be in the same room with you.

- Come home! Just not here!

It's not going the way you think it's going.

I want it... But I've gotta turn this around. Raina, just..

Stop it. Go. Just.. Oh, come on!

And where the hell is our car, Frank?

Well, looks like Fox Meadow's having its own little soap opera play out here.

I'm sorry.

No need to apologize to us.

Just apologize to yourself for making a bad decision.

On a bad man.

Uh, moving on to the next issue.

If we could, please. Ladies and gentlemen, Fox Meadow's most exciting project, the town pool!


The actual pool will be five pools, picnic area, playground, state-of-the-art locker room, and the best food court in the tri-state area.

All right, the last item on today's agenda is 207-6, that is the Fox Meadow Scholarship rewarding one hardworking high school student...

This is us. He's talking about us.

By paying their college tuition.

This year's recipient is none other than Alex Johansen.

Alex Johansen. Alex... Yes!

Unfortunately, the town is facing some devastating budget cuts this year, and I'm afraid the scholarship is an indulgence that the town can no longer afford.

All right, so if that is it, then we can move on.

Hold on, please. Bob“.

Are you saying that you don't have money for the scholarship, but you have money for the town pools?

Look, I would love to give Alex this scholarship.

Heck, I'd love to give everybody a free education.

So, let's open it up to the town.

By a show of hands, who here likes swimming?

No, wait.

No, don't raise your hands. Oh, come on.

That's not what we're debating here. It's a trick question.

I guess I'm a little torn here, to be quite honest, 'cause I do love Alex.

But I also love swimming.

Shut up, Joe.

I love swimming. I'm Martha.

'Cause, you know, with three kids and a job, it's the only me time I get.

Of course you want the pool, Martha. It's right next to your house.

You know what Laura brings to a potluck? Her nasty mouth and no more.

How was I supposed to know that I was supposed to bring food?

That invitation was vague. And you don't have to keep telling everyone your name's Martha, they know.

But that's who I am, I'm Martha.

All right, ladies, enough, enough. Let's bring this to a vote.

Those in favor of eliminating the scholarship and building the town pool, vote yes.

Those opposed, who want one family to profit while the rest of the town suffers, no.


All right, looks like the yeses have it.

Oh, please.

I'll tell you one thing I'm gonna do is I'm gonna take a hate crap in that pool.

We can barely afford our mortgage, and now this?

It's time we face the truth, we're bad parents.

Remember that mother who threw her baby down a well?

We're worse than that mother.

You know, when I became a dad, I made a choice.

To be the dad my father wasn't. Right?

To play with my daughter, to support her dreams and talents, and, yeah, maybe I could have spent a little more time checking on what was in the bank.

But instead, I put my heart in the bank.

I deposited love, a lot of it.

And that's not gonna be the cover story of The Wall Street Journal, but it's the headline of my heart.

Does that make sense? No, honey, I lost you halfway through.

Okay, the bottom line is that Alex thinks we can afford tuition, and we can't.

We need to tell her the truth.

We always tell the truth. That's what we always say.

Yeah. Yeah.

I think we should do it.

I'm not gonna do it. Me, neither.

We gotta lie about everything, because that's what parents do.

The job of being a parent, number one job, is to keep this crazy shit from their kids.

'Cause otherwise, the kids are gonna realize that we don't know what we're doing!

Exactly, that's what our parents did! Yeah.

My dad had cancer and never told us!

And what you didn't know, didn't hurt you.

It was weird. But I got over it.

And then he died, so...

Yeah. Hey, guys.


I heard about the scholarship.

So, I guess I can't go to Bucknell.

You're going to Bucknell University.

We're gonna send you there. Yeah. Yeah.

And if we can't keep the promise that we make to you, we are the worst parents in the world.

Oh, honey.

Thank you guys so much.

I love you guys. Love you, too.

So, as you know, Bob took away our scholarship, which we were kind of counting on.

But then we remembered that we have a college fund with our dear financial advisor, Dawn.

You don't have enough money.

I don't have any money.

Can I have a raise?

No way. No Earthly way.

I have an idea. Hmm?

Can we apply for a loan?

Listen, I'm just gonna come right out with it.

No one's gonna lend you shit.

But if I don't get my job back...

Are you jerking off a giant?

No, I'm...

I just hung... I just hanged myself.

I don't know if you heard me. If you don't give me a raise, I'm walking out of this building and I'm not looking back.

I don't believe you and I think you're bluffing.

Is this the face of a man who's bluffing?

Okay, right here.

It says right here, in this account, we have $401,000.

Jackpot! You missed it!

No, that says you have a 401 K account.

Look, we have to tell him that we're not going to Vegas, okay?

Yeah. There's no way we can go.


I'm not a loser. You are a loser!

Frank? Where are you, bud? I'm not a loser! No!

What do you want from me? - What do you want from me?

- Sign the divorce papers, Frank! - No, I don't wanna do.

What did I do to make you hate me so much?

We should get out of here. Give them their privacy.

- Yep. You punched my dad!

He called me a gambling addict!

- Wow. You are a gambling addict.

You lost your job, and you stopped showering.

We should go. I know.

She's coming.

Just sign the fucking divorce papers, Frank.

Oh, hi. Oh. Hey.

Hey, Raina, you look great.

Oh, wow.

That was crazy.

Yeah, it was kind of weird.

We don't really know. Yeah.

He's your problem now.

Hey, Frank?

Hey, bud.

Hey. Hey, guys-

What's going on? I was fixing the sink.


Splashed some water on my face.

That's what's going on here. Mmm-hmm.

'Cause I was fixing the sink, 'cause the sink was broken.

Right. It's okay. We saw Raina.

I know my life seems totally awesome and, like, things are going great, but...

Hmm. It looks pretty bleak in here.

Who am I kidding? I'm having a pretty hard time right now.

We get that. Yeah. It seems like it. Yeah.

Which is why I'm all in on this Vegas trip.

That's the only thing that is keeping me alive right now, frankly.

So, let's get this party started!

Right. You know?

I need it bad. We know you need it.

Yeah. But, for us, it's not a great time.

So, we were thinking, maybe...


We could leave later than we talked about leaving.

You said we were going to say..

I said we have since...

You have since..

Decided that we need to support a friend.

Who's this friend?

Vegas. Whoo!

- It's 11!11! Yes! Yes!

Gentleman needs some chips.

Guys, what are you waiting for?

Get in on this. I'm hitting every single number over and over again.

- Let's do this! Dice are out!


- This dude is on fire! You guys need money?

I am literally making every single person at this table money.

I don't know, we said we weren't gonna gamble.

Come on. What's the worst that could happen?

Maybe we put a few dollars on four.

Hot shooter.

I mean, yeah, the fourth is Alex's birthday.

Right? We'll just do one bet.

I kind of can't lose at this point, so let's do this.

Welcome to the Wynn, sir.

Number four, please.

- No, no, not all 500. Hey-oh!

Yeah! Fuck yeah, four! Yes! Yes!

Four! Four!

I should tell you, the probability of hitting four again, very unlikely.

But if we do, you guys are gonna double that and it's gonna pay out big.

And, plus, it's for baby Alex!

Alex! Alex! Alex! ALLI Alex! Alex! Alex!

That's a four.

Come on, Frank! Frank, look at me!

We're gonna do this, Frank! Here we go, Kate!

Do this! Let's do this!


Okay, guys, if I roll another four, that's Alex going to college, all right? I feel very lucky right now.

We believe in you, Frank. All right.

Whatever you do, don't roll a seven!

Why would you say that?

I didn't know!

No! No!

Fuck you, asshole!


Yeah! Oh, yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, no! FRAN KI God damn it!

Seven out, there was no four.

Hey, that money's my daughter's college tuition. Yeah?

Well, she just got accepted to the School of Hard Knocks.

Misroll! It's a misroll! Scotty, no!

I said not a seven!

Give me that stick! Give it to me!

"Whatever you do, don't roll a seven"?

Thanks a lot, asshole. You basically jinxed us all.

I was merely trying to make you aware of what number not to roll, which, by the way, for the record, was seven.

Fuck you, asshole!

That guy gets it!

Why is that guy following me? Why?

Because he hates you.

I hate you, too, right now.

This place makes you crazy.

You know, we came in hell-bent on not gambling, and what did we do?

We gambled and we lost all our money.

You know what I say?

House always wins.

What if we were the house?

Are you guys familiar with the cliché, "It's a cliché because it's true"?

Well, that cliché about cliches being true has never been more true than right now with the cliché, "The house always wins."

What? - Okay?

Now, we stand to make four years' tuition in one month.

One month, guys. Think about that.

This is the most impressive thing you've ever done, Frank.

Um... Thanks, Scott.

I'm very wary to go into business with you.

Noted. However, we know why we need the money. Yes.

What's in it for you?

Well, full disclosure, the bank has foreclosed on my home.

Oh, Frank. Ah. There we go.

So, this money would help me get that back.

That's pretty much why Raina left me.

No, that's not why Raina left you.

It's because you started gambling on golf...

True. Well, not just golf, but okay.

And you developed an online porn addiction.

It's not an addiction if you can quit any time you want, which I can.

Then stop. I don't want to right now.

Listen, I know I'm throwing a lot of numbers at you guys, lot of financials.

But let's not take away from the fact that this is gonna be fun.

Okay, but we're not doing it for fun, right?

Eh. No, we aren't. No.

Meh. It's work.

I think we're saying the same thing, all of us.

Work hard, play hard. Everybody has fun.

I think this slide will explain it.

Hey-oh! Look at that! Well, it just says "fun."

- It's fun. But it just says "fun."

It's gonna be a great time, probably the best time of our lives.

And we're gonna make crazy money.

The graphics are great, but it doesn't help us. It doesn't.

I have one last slide to show you, and I think it's the most important.

Check this out.

Look at Alex, right? Here she is.

She's gone to college, Bucknell, top of her class, built her own company.

If she doesn't go to college...

Boom! She's a homeless prostitute.

She's a runaway on the streets, selling her tiny body for money.

I don't like this.

This is very emotionally manipulative.

Yeah, exactly.

May I speak with you privately, please? Right now?

Yes, I'd love to talk to you in the kitchen, if I could.



Thumbs up, right?

I mean, the math. It seems to check out.

Do this math. You're 40 years old and you go to jail for 20 years.

How old are you when you get out?

Ninety. Hundred. No. Honey..

If I have some scratch paper, I can figure it out.

Really fucking old!

Besides, I don't wanna start an illegal operation with...

Frank? Yes!

He's our best friend!

No, he's your best friend.

He's my long friend. We haven't been friends since college.

Besides, we promised Alex that we would spend time with her before she went to college.

But if we don't have the money, she can't go to college.

And then she's living with us until she's 40, working as a banged-up cocktail waitress.

She's gonna have tattoos with weird guys' names on them.

She's gonna get a neck tattoo. Oh, my God.

Of a hand trying to choke her.

That's gonna be Alex! I know. You don't think I know that?

We need to figure this shit out!

Can we pull this off? I mean, can we run a casino?

It's a shady business with criminals, mobsters, you know, with shady people.

Look, we tried to play it safe, we've tried to play by the rules, and it got us nowhere.

What do we have to lose? Nothing.

So, what do you guys think?

Let's take a risk for Alex.

All right, fuck it, I'm in.

Yes! Yeah!

We'll do it here, my house.

My hedges are crazy high, so it's private.

Plus, Raina took a lot of the furniture, so we've got plenty of room for tables.

We need players. That's easy.

There's Martha.

Her husband left her last year, and now she runs book club and tries to suppress the rage bubbling just beneath the surface.

There's Joe, retired at 30, taking care of his mom, and bored out Of his fucking mind.

Then there's Reggie, who just made partner at his law firm, which means he's got cash to burn, but he's super stressed out.

He needs to blow off steam.

Now, remember, this is an underground casino.

We can't park outside my house, or everyone will know, including the cops.

Park at Taylor's, buy something and keep the receipt to prove you're a customer.

Don't attract attention. Remember, you're just buying groceries.

You're not on your way to an illegal casino.

Walk out to the back, where the electrical wall and the wooden fence meet by the woods.

Ignore the sign.

It's a decoy.

Got it.

Take the path through the woods, bear left at the fourth tree, and boom, you're right in my backyard.

Go down the basement stairs, then knock three times and give the password.

André the Giant.



When we open this door, don't get confused.

It's still just Frank's house.


What do you guys think?

I mean, am I in the Bellagio right now, or am I three blocks from my house?

I genuinely don't know.

This is the best day of my entire life.

Thumbs up. Pretty good.

And we can gamble here for real money?

This isn't like one of those charity things where you think you're winning but then you have to give it to cancer research or some bullshit?

You win it, you keep it.

Okay, you know what, fuck book club!

Fuck book club!

On these notes, let the games of chance begin!


All right, man.

Hit me right now!

Hit it!

Hit it down right there!

And I lost!

All right! Mama like!

Now, we don't have five years to make the money.

We only have a month.

So, we have to reinvest our winnings.

It's like I always say, "Back your own horse, baby. Bet on yourself."

We gotta invite everybody.

Even Garvey and fucking Craig!

Oh, did I win? That's fun.

I never played before. Isn't that funny?

Anybody been to that Burrito Hut over on Fox Meadow Lane?

Yeah, it's a nightmare.

You can't even get a burrito out of there.

People are getting so involved, they had to put a spit guard up because people kept falling into the vegetables.

"More corn! I want more corn!"

So, where are we at?

All right.

When all's said and done, we are...

Down $3,500.

Yeah! Nice!

Wait. Up top!

Down? Wait...

Listen, Reggie went on a streak, that comedian was very expensive.

We're lucky that Joe lost that $1,000 bet at the end.

If he hadn't, you know where we'd be then.

Mmm-mmm. Where would we be? Really?

We'd be down $5,500. It's simple math.

Math gives him anxiety, numbers make him nervous.

A lot of people, you know, break out in sweats and have heart palpitations when they hear numbers out loud.

That's not true at all.

But, you know what, let's not worry about that.

Let's just focus on the positives, which is, down $3,500 is a great start.

Ooh. Bucknell. Ooh. What's this?

50 million dollars?

Thousand, honey.

Oh, God.

My butt just got so tight. Yeah.

Hey, what's that? Hey.

What? Hey. Nothing.

We gotta get a bell on you.

Sneaking up on us like that. Yeah.

And so that's why your mother and I will be working late every night, and on weekends for all of next month.

Because you're working on a super top secret project that you may or may not reveal to me later.

Mmm-hmm. Yes, exactly, you get it.

No, but I don't get it. You're just being weird.

You're acting weird.

With your shifty eyes and your sketchy posture.


Doesn't feel good to be called names, does it? Weirdo.

I thought we'd hang out a lot this summer.

Are we still going school shopping?

Yes! Absolutely, we're gonna do all of those things.

While you work every night until 3:00 a.m.?

You know what?

You're kind of acting like a bitch.

What did you just say?

I didn't say it.

I didn't vocalize it. Mom?

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it's probably a...


You just said "bitch." You just called me a bitch.

Don't say that word.

I just can't help but feel like you're lying.

Oh, my God!

This is what I wanted to show you guys. Pretty beautiful, right?

Not really.

It's Thomas Kinkade, Master of Light.

It's mesmerizing. Yeah.

But it's, oh, so much more.

Oh! Whoa!

Crafty hiding spot, Frank.

Each of these safes holds 100 grand.

I know, because I cut paper into money-size stacks and I checked.

It took an incredibly long time.

Now, if we fill all five safes, that's 500 grand.

250 for you, 250 for me.

You guys can put Alex through college, and I can get my life back on track.

Let's fill these fucking safes.


Looks like we got some heavy action tonight.

Yeah, Reggie winning was the best thing that could have happened to us.

People actually think they can win money at this place.

We're giving people hope.

There's at least one, two, three, four...

There's at least 800 people in here tonight.

There are, max, 35 people in this room.

You got a 19!

I'll take advice from the guy who's down four grand.

- Is that what I'm supposed to do? Just leave.

Please, will you leave, so we can all win?

Hey, hey, hey. We could all win if you leave.

Fellas, come on. What's the beef?

How can we squash it?

This bo-bo here keeps hitting on the worst hands.

I play how I play. You don't like it, you leave.

And he's a thief.

Where's my leaf blower, Garvey?

I just thought maybe you'd wanna rake a little bit more.

You know, get some physical activity, on account of you being fat.

Hey, hey! Okay! Time out!

Gentlemen, time out! Time out!

You're 86'd.

Come on!

Right in my armpit! It's such a sensitive area.

My gland. I'll squash the shit out of you!

They'll be peeling you off the ground, you sackless bitch.

I'll bet 100 bucks on Reggie.

He's gonna kick Garvey's ass!

I will call that bet, sir.

There is fear in Reggie's eyes. I know a pussy when I see one.

Only when you're looking down.

Reggie, we got this.

Eat shit, Garvey. That's right.

Laura, you wanna keep your mouth shut? You got a big fucking mouth.

There's a StairMaster downstairs.

Why don't you go stand next to it and do nothing?

You want a piece of these thighs? You don't know what's coming.

Everybody, shut the fuck up!

Nobody is betting on this fight.

Thank you, Frank. - What?

Come on. Yes.

Unless you're betting with us!

Damn skippy. Damn skippy. That's right, I'm gonna...

We're gonna bet on our friends fighting?

Hell, yeah! Are you kidding? We're a casino.

Have you ever heard of Fight Night? This is the same thing.

Get your juices in there.

Come on, Scott, these guys will beat the shit out of each other anyway.

These dildos are gonna bet on it.

We should be getting that action. We're the house!

Honey... Hey! Who wants a fight?

Can't wait! Can't wait!

Who wants fight? Say, "Hey!" Hey!

Here we go, fight! Here we go!

And we're gonna start a race war! Whoa! Whoa!

Reggie, Reggie, that makes us nervous.

This is just a fight between two men of different races, fighting each other to decide which race is superior.

Whoa! Nope, that sounds wrong.

Black power!

Welcome to Fight Night!

In the corner closest to the fireplace, weighing in at 220 pounds, Reggie "The Rocket" Whaler!

And in this corner, weighing in at 180 pounds, give it up for Kevin "I Didn't Know His First Name Was Kevin" Garvey!

Now, murder each other!

Wow. That was fast.

Reggie is the winner!

This is bullshit. I want my money back.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Laura, why don't you shove that chicken dinner right up your asshole?

And then bring it to my potluck.

For the love of God, if you bring up that potluck again..

Ladies, uh-uh! Cool your jets!


Save it for the ring!


Mmm! Oh!

What's my name? I'm Martha!

Yes, come on. Fight!


Fuck you, Craig!

I don't know why I love this so much!

Eat her fucking face off, Martha!

Oh, oh!

She doored her!



Double knockout?

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

What does that mean?

Okay, the good news is we don't have a prop bet to cover that, so the house wins everything!

I'm feeling pretty good. Yeah, me, too.

Can I talk to you in the laundry room for a second?

This is why I'm not worried about next year.

No. Not in the least.

Is this a real microscope?

Yeah, dude. You can get high and look at ants at the same time.

We never walk at night.

So nice to walk.

So beautiful.

I drive everywhere. It's just nice to get out..

Excuse me. Beep-beep.


Hey, OW. Hey.

Hey. Ow. Hey. Ow.


I'm gonna pee outside. What?

I'm gonna take a pee outside.

What are you doing? I'm gonna do it.

What, are you kidding? Come on.

She's doing it. Yes! Yes!

You're so good at it.

This is the real me!



"Pee Outside" Kate is back!

You do it. You're doing it.

This is my lawn.

You're a woman. This is my lawn.

God, you got a lot of pee-pee.

Oh, shit! What?

Fuck, it's my parents!

God damn it! Quick!

ls she still looking?

Guys, I'm feeling, like, really nervous right now.

You want some weed?

We can totally go talk to her like regular people.

How drunk are you?

I'm fine.

How many fingers do I have up?

Don't do that.

Who's the president?

The president?


Ba-Obama. Mmm-hmm.

The back, the back, they never come in through the back.

We'll just sneak through there.

We'll go around the back.

Yeah. No, we never go through the back. Let's do it.

Go. Go.

What are you doing?

Sorry. I'm so high.

The coast is clear.

Oh! Do you hear something? Oh! What is it? Raccoons?

It sounds human.

Go. Okay.

It's good. Rachel..

It's Rachel. Rachel and Alex. Hey!

Hey! Alex.

Hey! Hey!

What's up, guys?

I got them.

Sorry. Sorry, Rachel.

Alex sandwich.

Oh, God.

Aw, sweetie.

You guys have fun tonight?

Great hug.

Okay, this went great. We're fine.


I'm gonna go pee.

And I'm good.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Good thing it's a container store.

There's containers everywhere.


Yeah. I'm just gonna lie down. Check some emails.



Excuse me one second.



You're the Raina of Raina's Hair Salon?

Okay, what are you doing here? You got the divorce papers?

Listen, I'm onto something big.

Oh, God. Okay?

No, and it's not some harebrained scheme that I cooked up with my friends.

I'm gonna get the house back... Cool.

And we're not gonna need to get divorced.

It's not gonna need to even happen. I'm gonna make it up to you.

Are you gambling again? What?

Is that what this is? No, no.

You gambling again? No. And in fact...

Uh-huh. I'm not gambling.

Why'd you say it like that?

What do you mean?

No. Sorry, I'm just saying, in terms of gambling...

Yeah. People might be doing it, but I'm not.

You just did it again.

What? I'm not gambling.

"I'm not gambling"? Yeah, that's right.

All right, I'm not gonna argue with you.

You look nice. Oh, thanks.

Well, you smell good. I mean, you look good.

What? Okay. No, yeah. I mean, you're nice.

I'm not doing this.

Just because you've showered and you look great, it doesn't mean you've changed.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

You might notice that I've made some Vegas-style upgrades.

Welcome to Club Ooze.

Because what does every casino need but a kick-ass pool.

You're done gambling, what are you gonna do? Go home? No.

You're gonna come out here, get a drink, party in the pool, and then back inside to lose more money.

How much did all of this cost?

You know that old saying, "Spend money to make money."


Now, this I'm very excited about.

Oh, wow. These are pure oxygen tanks.

I'm pumping it into the house, and guess what?

It works.

Welcome to the relaxation zone.

We've got a nail salon, we've got massages, shiatsu, deep tissue and hand jobs.


I think we really need to start.

I'll start when everyone's here.

Stop it. What?

Where is everyone, Laura?

Nowhere. Why do you think they're somewhere?

Why are you wearing sunglasses in town hall?

'Cause my future's so bright.

Well, I find it highly disrespectful.

Would you please remove the sunglasses?

Fine. Ugh.

Oh, my God.

What happened?

This looks way worse than it is.

What are you hiding, Laura?

What's that face?

You wanna fight me, Bob? What?

Is that what this is about, Bob?

'Cause I'll tell you right now, I'll headbutt you to next Tuesday, bitch!

Well... Okay.

This town hall meeting is suspended until I find out what's going on around town, all right?

I can't believe no one showed up at the goddamn meeting.

And I was going to announce that Panera was opening a location on Butler Ave.

Panera Bread?

Wow. Great get, Bob.

My God, you do so much for this town.

It's a 24/7 job. But I love it.

Plus, means I get to spend more time with you.


What? Stop it.

Were you guys holding hands?

Oh, yeah. We were holding hands, Chandler, you know why?

Yeah. 'Cause we're having an affair.


Nine and a half months, emotional and physical.

Yep. He knows about all my hopes and dreams.

I plead with her to leave her husband, but in reality, I would be sort of scared if she did.

That's so specific.

It just sounds like it's true.

No, there's nothing going on with us, Chandler.

But there is something going on in this town.

I've been noticing a lot of crazy shit going on in this town.

Over at Taylor's Meat Market at night, the parking lot is really crowded.

Maybe there's some flank steaks that are starting a gang over there.

Looks like a pork chop prostitution ring.

Now leave, so we can have sex. Yeah.

Okay, I'll get the blinds. But make it quick.

How are we looking tonight?

Garvey caught a heater in blackjack, but we're killing it in roulette.

Good call hiring that Judy, by the way, she destroys people.

She's a bad-ass bitch. Hi, Judy.

You're very smart with this stuff.

Very shrewd.

Where'd you get that? This?

Joe gave it to me. Some sticky-icky hybrid.

It chills me the fuck out. You want some?

No. No, I'm good. Maybe later.

I gotta stay vigilant. Keep my eye on the prize.

Yeah. Weed is so great, you know?

When I smoke it, I feel nothing. It's like emotional armor, man.

Alex is gone next year, who cares?

I got weed.

And me. And you, yes.

Guys, we've got a problem.

Table four, third guy from the left.

This motherfucker right here is counting cards.

How do you know?

If I'm gonna accuse someone of cheating, I wanna be sure.

He's cheating. Yeah.

He's definitely cheating. That's so rude.

If people think you can come in here and cheat, the street is gonna think we're soft.

Yeah. Every Blackjack Barry and Roulette Rob's gonna think it's open season.

We gotta do something to send a message.

Yep. Like De Niro in Casino.

Didn't he break that guy's hand with a hammer?



Okay. Yeah.


All right. Okay. Yeah.


Excuse me, can we have a word with you, please?

Yeah, I'd love another Grey Goose on the rocks, extra lime.

Come on, let's go. Let's go.

Enjoy your gambling.

Get in here. All right, okay.

Get in here! Watch the jacket.

Sit down! Sit down!

You think you can cheat us?

You think you can steal our money?

I got lucky.

I didn't know it was illegal to catch a hot streak.

Well, your luck just ran out, man, because me and my friends about to fuck you up!

Yeah! Hey, pal.

You better call your mama, and tell her you're gonna be late for dinner.

Which is a shame, 'cause she's serving your favorite, coconut shrimps!

Hey, you're gonna miss dinner, bitch!

We had your mom's shrimp last night.

Yeah! It was delicious!

What are you guys gonna do about it anyway?

You're a bunch of soccer moms.

You ever hear of Tommy Papouli? He's my boss.

You know what? Fuck this guy.

And fuck Tommy whoever.

I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Mr. Vice.

How does that feel?

Yeah, I got it. Coat's coming off, bitch!

Coming off! Oh!

You taking your jacket back to Marshalls?

Oh, shit!

I'm gonna get me a chunk of flesh.

Yeah! Yeah, maybe we'll cut your fucking dick off.

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

This shit just got real, bro!

I'm so scared.

You're looking at a bad man. Ooh.

This motherfucker don't give a shit. Yep.

This axe is burning a hole in my pocket.

What are we doing?

Can we just conference on what we're doing?

We're gonna... Just you wait.

Hold on.

We need to focus up and figure out what we're gonna do.

Honey, are you still stoned?

What? Yes!

I am also stoned and nothing is more clear than the fact that we need to murder this guy.

Just to be clear, we're pretending, though, we're not gonna actually do that.

We have to send a message, okay? We have to send a message.


You're bluffing.

You're not gonna do shit.

You're not gonna do jack shit, Paul Bunyan.

He's a jerk! He's making it easy.

You know what? I'm gonna do this.

I'm gonna do this. Hey, hey, hey, hold on.

Fuck off! You're not gonna do shit. No, I'm gonna...

Tommy's gonna kick your fucking ass.

FUCK you!

Don't wrestle with the fucking axe! Fuck you all!

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Shut the fuck up, Frank!

Put it back on! Put it back on! I'm trying to find it!

I'm trying to find it!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Shut up!

Apply pressure, man.

Please, apply pressure. I'm trying!

It's so slippery!

It won't fit on! It won't fit back on!

Honey, please get it on.

I don't know if it's up or down.

Does anyone have any gum?

I'm just gonna put it right there, maybe it'll grow back.

Oh, God! Oh, my God, the blood!

Could this help?

Put that Croc on there.

So salty! I'm swallowing so much blood!

You cut off my fucking finger!

What the fuck just happened?

Tell your friends, if they mess with us, this is what... They're gonna get.

Nothing ever happens in this neighborhood.



- Scott? Where are you going?

Where are you going? Don't go in there, buddy!

No, I swear to God, I'm looking, Reggie. I'm not finding it.

In my experience, money lost in the woods does not easily get found.

Oh, fuck. Oh!

Buddy, great news.

Excuse me, sir? I'll call you back.

What are you doing out here?

Um... Uh...


You don't appear to be jogging.

Well, now you're jogging.

You caught me in a cooldown.

What'd you put in your pocket?

Very slowly.

Very slowly with the hand, sir. Very slowly, take it out of your pocket.

Okay, Officer.

I think, earlier, you just saw me put this phone in my pocket, which is now videotaping you.

I don't feel safe, I don't feel safe.

I am Frank Theodorakis.

I don't feel safe in the woods, the police are harassing me.

Hello, everyone, I'm Officer Chandler, and I'm here protecting as well as serving.

What are you, like, doing a PSA?

Well, if you're filming this.

Look at you, you put your hands on your hips immediately.

You look ridiculous.

I will end you!

I will end your life!

Whoa! Whoa, man!

I'm sorry that I said that everyone, and I... am gonna...

What's that? I'm gonna respond to this call.

What call? Nothing happened. It didn't say anything.

There's a disturbance in the force.

There's a disturbance in the police force.

Dad. What...

Dad, it's just...

It's just, it's good... Dad!

Don't touch 'em!

Hey, did you see the game?

Stay away from the meat section!

Hey, there you are.

Everybody's looking for you downstairs. What's going on?

Hey.- Hey.-

So many buttholes, so little time, huh? Yeah.

You okay, man? You seem a little off today.

I don't know. Something's changed, Frank.

I chopped a man's finger off.

And ever since that moment, I've just been barraged with a series of anxiety-induced hallucinations.

They're hallucinations. They're not real.

You know what is real?

This is real.

This is real.

This is real.

And this is real.

And do you know where all that money came from?

Hmm. From you.

You chopped that guy's finger off, and the whole town became afraid.

You know what they're calling you on the street?

Uh-uh. The Butcher.

They're so afraid of us, people are starting to give us the money they owe us.

I didn't know people owed us money.

Oh, I've been extending lines of credit to all of our high rollers.

All the casinos do it. It's not a big deal.

Frank, you didn't tell me that.

And that's a huge decision.

You need to let Kate and I be a part of that.

It's a moot point now, okay? It's done.

Everybody's afraid that you're gonna take them into the garage, and chop some piece of their body off. All right?

"The Butcher" is our identity.

Come on in. Hey.

Hey, Reggie. Do you guys mind if l...

Come on in, Reggie. - Okay.

Hi, uh, Frank. Scott.

Here's that...

Here's that money I owe you. I'm sorry it's so late.

Reggie, don't worry about it. It's fine. Hey.

You sure about that, Butcher? You happy about that?

I mean...

Don't let it happen again.

Yeah, you bitch!

You little bitch!

Hey, Butch, you want me to go get your axe?

Yeah, so I can cut me off a piece of bitch meat.

No, I don't want the axe.

Hey, Frank, this feels a little light to me.

Uh-oh. Reggie, is everything you owe us in there?

I counted it myself.

Maybe I should count it.

Oh. Are you gonna count it? I don't think...

Oh. Uh-Oh.

Are you okay?

I'll handle the counting. Okay.

Get out of here, Reggie! Okay.

Tell your friends what you saw here, Reggie.


That was amazing!

Did you see how scared he got?

Yeah! How did that feel?

It felt good. Yeah.

Yeah, it felt real good.

Hello, Gary.

I understand you have an overdue library book.

No! No!

Come here. Come here.

Pay your debts!

Get out of the way! Hi, Crystal!

Where's our money? Give it to us!

You piece of shit! Give us the money!

No, no, no.

I'm tired of asking you, Eddie! Eat it!

Give us the money, Eddie!

You don't wanna do this, Eddie!

Get out of here! Just walk away, Angela!

I'm the Butcher.

And I'm the Burner.

Why are you guys talking like that? Really low?

'Cause we're cool now.

Get on board.

Okay. This is what we're doing from now on.

It's weird when you do it.

You sound like Cookie Monster.

Well, Cookie Monster wants some motherfuckin' lobster.


Madam Treasurer, there's something for you to sign.

Aw, it's really nice.

I can't accept that. How would I explain that to my husband?

You can tell your husband that you're in love with me, and that we're gonna be together.

This is getting out of control, okay? Yeah, it is.

At first, it was gifts and trips and things, but I didn't know where the money was coming from.

It was coming from me.

Yeah, but you took it from the town.

And that poor girl's scholarship?

Come on. Look at these budget numbers, okay?

We are 300 grand short.

We're gonna get audited, and we're gonna lose our jobs.

We're probably gonna go to jail, okay?

Just stop.

At first it... Stop. It was like...

Stop, Stop-

Stop. Stop it.

I think, next year, when Alex is gone, we do this every Tuesday night.

Yay! Cheers, team. Hooray!

We look great. We do.

We should dress like this every night. Yeah.

It's been a pretty tough year for me.

And I just wanna say thank you to both of you.

This might be the best night of my...

What? What?


Easy, tiger. It's okay. We knew this day would come. Okay?

Scott, Kate, excuse me.

I'm gonna go get my wife back.

Hold on, buddy. Frank.


Hey, pal. There's no reservations...

He's very strong! Frank!

At least I have my dignity.

I don't understand why you're talking to me.

Go arrest that guy. He attacked me.

Mr. Theodorakis, I talked to him.

He said that you attacked him, and then you grabbed his man bun.

What? I don't remember any of that.

Officer Chandler, what's going on here?

It's been a hell of a night. I've gotten multiple reports of violence all over town, and no one's talking.

Well, no one's talking 'cause there's nothing to talk about, so...

What's your deal, Johansen? No deal.

You got a deal, Bob?

No deal here. Yeah.

I would advise you to put that away. I'm a police officer.

Don't worry about it.

Check your marshmallows, fellas.

No one says "check your marshmallows."

You wanna get fucked by a fire dick?


Then check your marshmallows. Yeah.

There's something fishy going on with those three.


Are those women's sunglasses?

No. They're Italian.

And that's a woman's cigarette. That's nice.

Also Italian.

Italian sunglasses, Italian cigarettes.

Okay. Ciao.

Excuse me, what the hell is that?

Craig ordered eggs, over-medium.

No. Look at the yolks.

Those are hard, that's not over-medium. Take it back.

Scott, I'm really slammed right now.

I don't give a shit, asshole.

Take it back. All right, dick face?

You're doing a great job.

Hey, sexy.

Hey, baby. Looking good.

Feeling better.

Hey, things are getting super weird.

I just found a glory hole upstairs.

Just a dick-sized hole in the middle of the wall that somebody made.

You know how I knew? There was a dick hanging out of it.

Who the hell are they?

Oh, they're Wall Street guys.

They're betting a lot of money.

They're also doing a ton of blow.

Oh, yes!

This is Frank Theodorakis' house.

And right through those woods, only 100 yards away is the parking lot to Taylor's Meat Market.

Oh, right, the great meat conspiracy.

Come on, man.

Don't do blow on the table. It gets in the felt.

Hey, we're betting 1,000 bucks a roll.

I'll do cocaine off Of whatever I want.

I'll do it off of that dumb wall sconce over there. Check this out.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.


What the Shit?

Everybody, freeze! Police!

Everybody, freeze! Respect my authority!

No, no! No!

No, freeze! You're not freezing!

Freeze! Get on the ground.

You will stop or get arrested.

Do not inhale that!

MY eyes!

Playing cards, huh?

For cash?

That's illegal.

It's for charity. Yeah.

Yeah. Good.

Which charity?

Uh... Uh... Horse circumcision.

Money for psychic kids.


Where's the money?

This is pointless. You're not gonna find anything anywhere.

Really? Yeah.

Well, we've looked in all of the other rooms, so...

Chandler, take a look.

Hey, Scotty! Eyes up here, buddy. Honey, don't point at that.

Look how nervous the baby deer is.

You guys seem pretty interested in this painting, here.

Yeah. We're not.

The baby. The doe.


What's this?

It's safes, Bob.

Oh, you fucking idiot.

Those are my pornography collection. Mmm.

Why don't we pop the safes and see if it's all the money that you've taken?

You can't open them without the combo, and I'm not giving it to you. Hmm.

What are you looking at? Why are you staring at this photo over here, now?

Don't do that. Oh!


A Post-it note.

Is this the combination? 'Cause you 69 yourself, 24/7?

Okay, here's the deal.

We're not gonna arrest you.

But you guys have to shut down this casino.

Aw, what?

And also, we're confiscating all your money.

Hold on, you can't take the money. It's for our daughter.

You're gonna take their money, Bob?

I'm not gonna take their money.

I'm gonna confiscate their money for the town.

Come on, Chandler, you're not gonna get caught up in this, are you?

You're a good guy.

Who's always lead baritone when we go Christmas caroling.

Come on.

Hark the herald angels sing Glory to the newborn king Shut up.

You remember when you guys started an illegal casino?

I'm Alex. I wanna go to Bucknell.

Bob, enough. But my parents fucked up.

They couldn't find the money, so they started an illegal casino.

Bob, she's a kid. Oh, oh.

We're taking the cash.

Let's go, Chandler. Shut it down.

Bob. Bob! That money's for college.

Tonight at 11:00. Earlier this week, a local man was treated at Sacred Heart Hospital for a severed middle finger.

Authorities believe this may be related to the recent local crime spree.

The man is known to have connections to Tommy Papouli, long suspected of racketeering, illegal gambling, and even murder.

Hey, sweetie.

You were watching Walking Dead without us?

Yeah. Lizzie killed Mika.

Fuck, we suck.

We lost all our money.

And I am mentally and physically addicted to marijuana.

Honey, you love it.

I think about it all the time. It's really hard to focus right now.

I'm so mad I'm not high.

And we started a fight club.

What are we doing?

We're each other's enabler. We're not even...

One of us has to be an adult here.

So, you do it.

You be it.

Okay. I'll be the adult.

And, as the adult, I'm gonna say, we're gonna call Frank and tell him to shut it down.


And that's how we're gonna handle it. Okay.

What a relief. Right?

Or we keep it open, and go big.

Or we do. Yeah.

Fuck Bob Schaeffer. I'm not gonna look my daughter in the eye and tell her she can't go to college because some small-time city councilman is bullying us.

Exactly! We'll call everyone and tell them the casino is still open.

Yes. No limit on any bet in the house.

We go big, we make our money, and then we parachute out of there.

Go big, or go home.

Let's do this! Okay.

All right, here we go. Here we go!

All right!

This is fun! Whoo!

That guy!

Fuck Bob Schaeffer! Whoo!

We got a professional shooter here.

He can't tell us to shut down!

Let's go! Two more. Let's go. Come on.

Wow. Hey, Raina.

What a pleasant surprise. Oh, my God!

You said, "I'm not gambling."

Raina, I meant that. I'm not!

They are!

All of them, and they're losing.

You know, when you emphasize one word more than the other, you know that's bullshit, right?

Okay, so do you want me to emphasize something for you?

I am not coming back.

They said go through Taylor's, then through the woods, then we'll get to the casino!

Let's do it!


I'm beginning to think Raina's not gonna take me back.

Mom? Dad? What are you guys doing here?

Alex, what are you doing here?

We got invited to this casino.

You shouldn't be here.

What? Come with us.

Sweetheart, it's very complicated, but we need to tell you a few things.


Hey, go around back. There's a secret entrance.

The password is André the..

Holy fuck, look at this place.

When you said casino, I didn't think you meant fucking casino.

Remember me, motherfucker?

Wow, that looks great.

Hey, dickfuck, you're not gonna like Tommy.

He doesn't cut off fingers, he cuts off heads.

Shut up. Come on.

Guys, we've got a problem.

He's got a gun. Okay.

Where's the money?

We just got robbed. Yeah.

Look, the safes are all empty.

Do you know how many times I've seen someone point to an empty safe and say, "We have no money"?

A hundred? 500?

Thirty thousand. It's rhetorical, fuckstick.

- Okay. Shut up.

This your daughter? Where?

Who, her? Right here.

That's such a compliment. This is my wife.

- Alex? In fact, there's our daughter.

There she is. Hello, daughter. Hi, honey.

Don't overthink it. Just be our daughter.

Come right here. I'm not your daughter. That's your..

Sorry, Rachel!

Fuck's the matter with you? What?

Shoving a girl like that?

We are strict disciplinarians in our household.

Get out of my way. I know this is your daughter.

Mom! No, no, no!

Cuff her. Sweetie.

Mom. Honey.

No. Wait, no.

Take me, not her.

No. No one cares if you die.

Oh, thank God.

Help 'em find the money. And hey...

300 grand. Or you'll never see your daughter again.

Mom! Dad! Help! Help! Fuck you. Fuck you.

Let go of me.

You know what? You got us.

There's $300,000 in money in this room... hidden in these money... Buckets.

So, if you want, you can take the money, and we'll take their daughter back.

Yeah. Yeah.

There's one here, there's one behind the bed, and there's one right over there.

Money cannon.


Don't worry, guys, I got this.


Oh, no! Not in Frank's place, you don't!

He's got a knife.

Look what he did. Oh, my God, Frank.

Frank! Frank!

Raina. Are you okay?

God. Did you see him stab me?

Yes.. It was so cool and effortless.

Oh, no! Okay. Okay-

Let's go. Come on.


Aren't you supposed to be getting me my money?

Pal? Dad?

My name's not Pal.

They call me the Butcher. Ls that right?

Alex! Stranger danger!


Oh, God!

Don't forget about the Burner!


Oh, shit!


What the fuck?

Put him out! Put him out!

I got this! No, no, no!

That's vodka!

Are you kidding? Help!

I got it! No, no, no!

That's vodka, too!

On, God!

Wait, no! That's polyester!

I've got an idea. Everybody, back up! All right.



What's with these people?

Isn't just it!


Frank, you saved his life.

Everybody, everything's gonna be just fine.

I was wrong!

I'm sorry.

You were right about me.

I will sign the divorce papers.

As long as you print a new copy, 'cause the ones that you gave me burned up in the house.

I fucked everything up.

I know.

But we have insurance.

They don't know that I took all the furniture and jewelry and stuff.

Raina... What?

Are you suggesting that we commit insurance fraud together?

What, Frank? I'm just sayin'.

That's one of the most fucked-up things I've ever heard.

But, you guys kind of did it all for me.

So, thank you.

Honey, don't thank us.

The money's all gone. You can't go to Bucknell.

We are so sorry.

We had it, but then Bob Schaeffer took it from us.

The asshole that took my scholarship?

If he stole it from us, why don't we just steal it back?

No. 'Cause we don't do that anymore.

Once you go to the dark side, it gets dark very quickly. Trust me.

I see fingers everywhere.

Are you guys serious?

You've been doing this insane stuff all summer, and now that I have a chance to help, you just wanna quit?

Good afternoon, folks.

Excuse me? Hello? Mom?

Don't be alarmed. I'm not here to arrest you.

What you did was self-defense.

We are alarmed, you're in our backyard.

Ignore the badge.

Ignore the gun. Oh!

Shit! Put it down.

What are you doing? Put that down.

This is nothing to be afraid of. Here.

People being afraid of guns is silly.

And I'm sick of it.


I'm just here to say one thing.

Fuck Bob Schaeffer.

He doesn't care about this town. Here's what we're gonna do.

You're never gonna believe this, Bob.

They never shut down the casino.

They just moved it to another house.

But I told them if they kept it open, that I would have them arrested.

There are Smurfs who are taller than Bob Schaeffer.

He looks like a gremlin learned how to tie a tie.

Don't get him wet after midnight.

Hey, guys! I found the casino!

For God sakes, I'm short!

They're making fun of you, Bob.

Hello, I'm Bob Schaeffer.

You told them to shut it down.

Cop car. Now.

Can't wait to see their faces when we get there.

Come on.

Okay. Yeah, right there.

Okay, here you go.


All right.

What's the combination?

It's okay, I know. Um, Officer Chandler told me.

And right now, I completely remember it.

It's okay, I know, I know, I know.

Dad, there's no time for this.


Hey, how's it going? Good.

I need that by tomorrow.

All right. No, I'm serious, though.

All right. Bye.

Okay, Scott...

Honey, I have faith in you, okay? Yeah.

I know that you can remember four sequential numbers.

Just think. Just think.

Squiggly line.

Is that part of the combination?

Poop. Poop emoji? Uh-oh.

Is that part of it? No.

I love you so much, Dad.

I'm gonna miss you next year at college.

29-52-41 -78 pound.

Yes! I remember!

You did! Good job!

I'm gonna miss you, too, sweetie.


Good job.


Okay. Here we go. Here we go.

Honey, there's wheels.

I got it. What?

Dad! Dad! It's got wheels!

You can wheel it. It does.

Okay, yeah. So much easier. Just drag the suitcase.

Okay. Careful! The floor is slippery.

Are you meeting with the Johansens?

I think I saw them come into Town Hall.

Dawn, they can't be there. We're going to arrest them right now.

Well, they're here somewhere.

Your office door is open.

Wait, so is the safe.

What? I'm coming back!

Go faster, Chandler.

I'm driving safely, Bob. Punch it!

Bob, I'm going the speed limit.

Punch it, Chandler. Let's go. I won't.

Back to Town Hall now!

- Stop it! You stop it!

- Stop doing that! - No!

Stop it! Watch out, Chandler!

That's why you don't punch it!

Great, just great!

Fuck you, Bob Schaeffer!

You wrecked my car! You pig! Stop it.


Look what you did! Ma'am, we have to exchange information!

Fuck the police.

There you go.

There we go.

Your family fucking sucks!

Stupid fucking money bag!

No! Not the model!

I handcuffed it to my wrist, you fucking shithead!

So, what are you gonna do about it now, Scott Johansen?

You're not talking to Scott Johansen.


You're talking to...

No. No.

The Butcher. No!

I thought you were gonna cut off my arm.

So did I. I'm so glad I didn't do that.

Oh, God.

Oh, Chandler, God.

Chandler, arrest these people, please.

I don't think so, Bob.

I like them a lot more than I like you.

- Hmm. Are you kidding me?

So, that's how it's gonna be? Yeah.

Don't touch the fucking money.

It's fine.

All I need is my sweet, sweet Dawn.

Bob, is that all cash that you stole from them?


Yeah, he did. All of it.

Mmm-hmm. Come on!

I took that money for us, for our future.

What future? What are you talking about?

I wanted you to be my First Lady.

You're never gonna be President.

You're too short.


What's going on in here? Joe...

Oh, my God, the model.

And you know what, Bob?

I'm already somebody's First Lady.


I'm coming in for a kiss right now.

Here I come.


Way to go, Joe.

Did I get you that necklace? What?


You know what? All I do is give!

What about me?

What about Bob?

What's so funny?

There's a movie. What About Bob?

Yeah. Richard Dreyfuss, Bill Murray.

Am I the only one who doesn't get Bill Murray?

What? You're coming off like a real dipshit now. You're being a piece of shit, Bob.

Don't judge me!

Yeah, I took the money!

I took the money from the Johansens, and I took the money from the town.

But I deserve it!

I'm so glad you said that clearly, Bob.

'Cause we've been recording it on all of these cameras.

What? What?

Oh, God!

I'm gonna go shoot Bob.

No, no, no.

I'm gonna go arrest Bob. That a boy!

Anyway, those cameras weren't turned on. I just said that to freak him out.

Are you kidding me? That was badass.

I totally bought that!

Come on. Let's go, guys.

It's okay. It's okay.

You got it.

I love you guys.

Thanks for getting me into college.

You okay?


Yeah, you?


You know, I thought losing Alex would feel like losing my best friend.

Yeah, me, too.

But it's not.

Alex is my daughter, you're my best friend.

You're my best friend.

And you're not just my best friend, you're the baddest mofo around.

Whom I fucking love.

Did you just say "whom"?

'Cause you're giving me a straight-up boner, girl.

Grammar has always been your thing. Yeah.

Math, not so much.

I know you.

I wanna feed you soup when we get old.

I really hope that I don't die before you.

Because I don't know how you're gonna make it without me.

I know.

I think about that all the time.


For another day.


Excuse me.

Excuse me?

You mind pulling up?

We're just having a little trouble getting out.

Where are you gonna go, huh? Soccer moms.


Wrong couple to fuck with, pal.

You're fucking crazy!

I'm starving. Yeah, me, too.

God, he was scared shitless, huh?

I don't mean to freak you out, but if I don't get my job back...

Are you jerking off a giant?


Try it again.

Maybe lean over with your neck, like it's just snapped.


I will give you your raise.

Okay. If you can name one of my kids.

Varley. Sativa.

No, no. I'm sorry. Okay. Yeah.


Campbell. Campbell's Soup? Campbell?

Khaleesi? Khaleesi is not one of my kids' names.

Salamander. You just said 'em back to me...

Salamander? No way.

No Earthly way is my child named Salamander.

Like, no fucking way?

Like, no fucking way.

Let's go downstairs.

There's some people that the Butcher needs to talk to on the floor.

What are you doing?

I was gonna go here, and then I realized that I crossed you.

You know I love y'all, right?

But you stress me out.

And, cut!

All right, you motherfuckers...


What the fuck?

Fuck is your problem with you people? Put him out, put him out!

I put it out. Fuck yourself!

Yeah, we're gonna cut your finger off.

We're gonna cut your dick off.

I'm gonna take your dick, I might lick it.

Hang on. What? In private.

Wait, what? What do you mean?


English - SDH