MAN: Dear Lewis:
Enclosed, please find one bus ticket and two silver dollars for your trip to Michigan.
I'm really sorry about the loss of your parents.
Your mom was my sister, so that makes you family.
And I'll do my best to make you feel right at home.
As Einstein said, life is like a bicycle.
To stay balanced, you got to keep moving forward.
And so will we.
I look forward to meeting you.
Your Uncle Jonathan.
P.S. Sorry for the stain on the letter.
That's chocolate. [man snoring]
Mom, Dad, are you there?
Am I gonna be okay?
MAN: Gonna buy Charlie a bike for his birthday.
WOMAN: Oh, he's gonna love it.
MAN: Emma Jean, bus is here.
[horn honks twice]
[laughter, indistinct chatter]
Last stop: New Zebedee.
[grunts] JONATHAN: Oh, come on.
Don't kill yourself before I've had a chance to meet you.
I'm your Uncle Jonathan.
Are you wearing a robe?
It's a kimono.
Here, let me help you with that.
Oh! Good Lord, what do you got in this thing, encyclopedias?
Oh, you're serious.
I like new words.
I think they're very pulchritudinous.
Well, welcome to New Zebedee.
Or should I say "salutations"?
You can look that one up.
I know what "salutations" means.
Oh. Smart kid.
Uh, do you think that we're gonna be home soon?
'Cause the Captain Midnight show's almost on.
Uh, you don't have to worry about that. I don't have a TV.
But I do have a big poker game tonight, if you want to join.
Do you play?
Uh, no. I'm ten.
[clicks tongue] Duly noted.
[bell tolling] [gasps]
[tolling becomes distorted, lowering in pitch]
[car honking horn]
Ah. Here we are.
The Muggins Simoon.
Temperamental door handle.
Here we go.
Watch your tootsies.
[brakes squeal, engine backfires]
JONATHAN: All right, here we are.
You can get out here.
Here we go.
Home, sweet home.
LEWIS: Do you like...
Oh, no, I keep those up year round.
[Jonathan chuckles] WOMAN: Mr. Barnavelt!
[dog yapping] Come on, darling.
Yes. Good puppy.
Ah, Mrs. Hanchett.
Is that a robe?
It's a kimono.
You've been playing your saxophone again.
Madame, not everyone can appreciate the intricacies of a free-form jazz odyssey.
I don't care what you play.
You're playing at 3:00 in the morning, so I'm begging you... Who is this?
JONATHAN: Oh, this is Lewis, my nephew.
He'll be living with me.
You're responsible for keeping a human child alive?
This way, Lewis.
[Marmalade yaps] I'll try to keep it down around 3:00 a.m., but, uh... them's my best jammin' hours.
[clocks ticking] [door creaks open]
And here we are.
LEWIS: Wow. You've...
That's a lot of clocks.
Well, what constitutes "a lot" is really a matter of personal taste.
For me, it's a perfect amount of clocks.
[banging, bell dinging]
There's a deranged cuckoo in there.
Your ratchet wheel's shot, and the click spring's not far behind.
Hello. You're Lewis, I presume.
How was your trip?
This old hag is my next-door neighbor, Mrs. Florence Zimmerman.
I am relieved to see you didn't inherit your uncle's freakishly oversized head. JONATHAN: Huh.
Says the woman who literally looks like a Q-tip.
Oh, look, the giant head is angry.
JONATHAN: My God, did that withered purple skeleton just speak?
LEWIS: It's nice to meet you.
Lewis, are you hungry? Yes, please.
Florence, I'm gonna show Lewis to his room.
For once in your life, could you make yourself useful and whip up a batch of those chocolate chip cookies? [clicks tongue]
And how would you like them, sir?
Stuffed down your throat one by one or crumbled up and shoved into your pants?
Ignore her, Lewis. She thinks she's smarter than me because she's got more college degrees.
No, I think I'm smarter than you because I'm smarter than you.
[organ plays chord]
Shh! [organ stops playing]
LEWIS: But, Uncle Jonathan?
Hmm? Don't I have to have dinner before I'm allowed to have cookies?
Well, why not just eat cookies for dinner?
They're far more delicious.
I know. It's just, we had these house rules.
Well, not in this house.
There's no bedtime, bath time or mealtime.
You can eat cookies till you throw up, for all I care.
You'll see-- things are... quite different here.
All mine? All yours.
Although, why this is yours, I have no idea.
You know it's about the complete opposite of real magic.
Well, it's the last thing my parents gave to me before the... [stifled sobs]
[crying]: ...the car crash.
Yeah, take that back.
Um, I have a tissue... around here somewhere.
Here you go. No, hold on.
Sorry. I didn't mean to, uh...
I didn't realize the ball was of emotional significance.
Feel free to grab any color tissue.
They're all the same.
FLORENCE: Hey, gorilla groin.
Are we playing poker, or am I playing solitaire?
Hold your horses, you scarecrow.
[chair squeaking] Right?
Calling that a poker face is an insult to faces.
Sore loser, frumpy.
Well, beat that.
He wins-- again. JONATHAN: You're hustling me.
You've played before.
Beginner's luck, I guess?
Well, I'm gonna drown my sorrows in some hot cocoa.
You want some? Yes, please.
Get your own. Choke and die.
So, how long have you lived next door to Uncle Jonathan?
Oh, we've been friends forever, ever since I came here.
Ran here, actually.
After the war.
And no, to answer that look you're giving me, your uncle and I aren't anything kissy-faced.
JONATHAN: Gross! Ugh.
The word's "platonic."
Look, your uncle drives me nuts.
And he doesn't always smell so terrific, but he's gotten me out of more tough scrapes than I care to mention.
You know, I've found that all one really needs in this world is one good friend.
Oh, but I'm sure you've got lots.
All my friends are... really great.
Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad.
I really miss you guys.
[loud metallic bang] [Lewis gasps]
[creaking, footsteps grow closer]
[creaking and footsteps continue]
[takes deep breath]
[rhythmic, metallic clunking]
[maniacal laughter] [gasping]
Uh, Uncle Jonathan?
FLORENCE: You've got to go into the wall.
JONATHAN: I am going in the wall.
You did not go into the wall yesterday.
I saw you. You did not go into... Hello?
Lewis, didn't see you there.
Big day. First day of school.
How'd you sleep? Uh... fine.
How did you sleep?
Peachy. Like a baby.
Like a big, peachy baby.
Okay, off you go. Knock 'em dead.
JONATHAN: I played it perfect.
He suspects nothing.
DJ [over car radio]: 43rd New Zebedee Blue Ribbon Bake-Off...
[school bell ringing] Hold the door!
Clark, let's make a decision.
Good hustle, Herman.
[metallic squeaking continues]
We're even teams now.
Let's play ball.
Maybe next time, ankle biter.
[whispers]: Come on, just pick him.
No. No. Just pick him.
[mutters under breath]
Fine. All right.
You're with us.
You can play, right?
I'm open! I'm...
COACH: Goggles, get up! Come on, guys!
Down the court, down the court!
You all right?
You good? COACH: Open your space up.
Come on, guys. Open the space.
All right, get it. Let's go, go, go!
BOY: Pass the ball! [whistle blows]
COACH: Goggles, what's going on? BOY: Come on!
COACH: Come on, let's go!
Defense, look alive! Come on, look alive, guys!
Shoot it! Goggles, make the shot!
Come on! Make a shot! Oh!
Make a... Not at me. The basket.
Pass the ball! -You gotta pass the ball, Goggles!
Goggles! Goggles, I'm open!
[groans] I'm sorry.
[clamoring] [whistle blows]
Guard your guys. Guard your guys. Let's go.
I'm open! COACH: Shoot!
Nice shot, speedy. Thanks, Coach.
WOMAN [over P.A.]: Attention, students.
[announcement continues indistinctly]
Hi! [indistinct chatter]
There he is-- star forward for the Minneapolis Lakers.
How you doing, buddy? I'm good.
A vote for Tarby Corrigan is a vote for pop in the drinking fountains. Thank you.
Hey. A vote for Tarby Corrigan is a vote for pop in the drinking fountains. Please.
How is he gonna carbonate the drinking fountains?
[chatter continues indistinctly]
TARBY: Don't just stand there.
Can you pitch? Uh... no, not very well.
I'll take what I can get.
Come toss me one.
What are you doing here?
Where are all your friends?
Can't play. Can't do anything.
My butt is just warming the bench.
So, you're new in town.
Where do you live? Kind of this big, old place on the end of High Street.
You... you live in the slaughterhouse?
Some old guy died there.
Now it's haunted.
Well, everyone says so.
Have you seen anything creepy?
Well, last night, I thought I heard something, but it wasn't anything; it was just my uncle.
What was he doing?
I don't know. Just sort of wandering around.
I think he was looking for something.
Maybe he was looking for an ax.
It's his house.
Why wouldn't he know where his own ax is?
Maybe he hid it from the police after the last murder.
Look, I'm just trying to help us both out.
You can't vote for me if you don't have arms.
WOMAN [echoing]: Lewis.
I missed you so much.
I miss you, too, Mom. A lot.
Your dad and I, we'd give anything to be with you again.
You know that, right?
[sighs] So... how are you making out?
How do you like Uncle Jonathan?
He seems nice.
It's okay. You can tell me.
This house is scary. And-and old and scary.
And there's all these clocks, and I see weird stuff out of the corner of my eye, and...
I feel like... I almost feel like that Uncle Jonathan's hiding something.
That's because he is... hiding something.
I'm sorry, sweetheart, but you're in danger.
What danger? What do you mean?
You're gonna have to be brave.
But I... But, Mom, this is me.
I'm not brave.
First, you get the book.
Then you get the key.
K-Key... What are you talking about?
Do you hear the ticking?
[gasping] [clock ticking]
[distant door closes]
[rhythmic, metallic clunking]
[faint, distorted screams]
[faint, distorted howl of a wolf]
[rhythmic, metallic clunking]
[quiet clinking] JONATHAN: Come out, come out, wherever you are.
You can't hide forever.
[grunts] [loud banging]
[repeated grunting and banging]
[grunting and banging continue]
[gasps, whimpers] [grunting and banging stop]
[organ playing discordant notes]
[clocks ticking rapidly] [cuckooing continues]
[chair squeaking loudly]
[squeaking and honking]
[squeaking and honking stop]
Help! Let me out!
Help me! Let me out!
[screams] It's me.
[screams again] Down, boy!
I said down. [chair whining]
Go. Go on, go to your room.
Go on, get. [door closes]
I'm sorry you had to see that.
No, houses don't attack you.
And if they do attack, you're definitely not supposed to say, "Sorry you had to see that."
Is this place haunted?
Are you gonna ax-murder me? What? No.
You're gonna ax-murder me, aren't you?
[laughing]: I'm not gonna ax-murder you.
Then what is going on?
Well, one thing's for sure.
The house likes you.
Houses don't like anything. They're houses.
[organ plays chord] [squeaking]
Do you know what a warlock is, Lewis?
It's... a boy witch.
I think they're a little more than boy witches.
A man who practices magic."
A boy witch.
Are you saying that... you're a warlock?
Would it scare you if I was?
Well, are you a good warlock or a bad one?
Ah. Depends on what you mean by "bad."
I'm nice, but... I'm not that good.
I'm just a parlor magician, really, but, uh, Mrs. Zimmerman, now, she's nice andgood.
Got a Doctor Magicorum degree from the University of Goöttingen.
Why are you always wandering around at night?
What is that ticking in the walls?
You've heard that?
This house used to be owned by another warlock, Isaac Izard, and his wife Selena.
He, uh... passed away and left a magic clock in the walls.
Because he's a terrible...
He's a practical joker.
Put a clock in the walls to drive me nuts.
I try to drown it out with all those other clocks, but it doesn't really work, so at night, I... go around the house and... search for the damn thing.
With an ax?
Sometimes I get over-enthused. I'll admit that.
Do you have to be born a boy wi... a warlock?
No. Anyone can learn.
If they study, practice hard enough.
Can I learn? No.
But you just said "anyone." Grown-up anyone.
There's charts and hieroglyphs and stuff that would stump a Harvard professor, and I don't have time to teach a... Please.
Please, please teach me. Please, please, please, please, please.
Okay! Have it your way.
Let me know when you've read all those.
Just for a start.
Jack-o-lanterns. They scare away evil.
And iron does, too.
Well, it repels evil, like bug spray.
And that is why we have iron horseshoes, and that's why cemetery gates are made of iron.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
And how does one become a full-fledged warlock?
You have to defeat an evil spirit by using your own magic.
That is absolutely right.
What smells of rancid sulfur?
Am I gonna have to defeat an evil spirit one day?
Oh, don't worry. Not for a long, long time.
You're perfectly safe.
[creature wheezing] [Jonathan grunts]
[creature growls, wheezes]
As long as it's fed.
It used to be Florence's pet garter snake, William Snakespeare.
She tried to turn it purple.
The spell backfired.
Between you and me, most of her spells backfire these days.
Why? Ah, you'll have to ask her that one yourself.
What's all that?
Charms, hexes, wards, spells.
Evil can't come within 20 feet of that cabinet, much less open it.
What's in it?
You know how I said there were no rules?
Actually, there's one rule.
Don't open that cabinet. Ever.
Or I'll toss you out on your ear.
This is pretty much the only thing I'm serious about, so I need to hear you say it.
[rhythmic, metallic clunking]
JONATHAN and FLORENCE [distorted, echoing]: Isaac!
Isaac, don't do this! Stop!
JONATHAN [in distance]: Please! Isaac, don't do it!
[whispers indistinct spell] Isaac!
[explosive boom] [both yell]
ISAAC: The beginning... and the end.
The alpha and the omega.
Do you hear the ticking?
FLORENCE: Well, I have scoured the crawl space.
I found a dead mouse, but... no clock.
You think reading that for the millionth time will turn up something new?
No, not really.
So... you've told Lewis everything?
Well, not everything.
I think you should.
Isaac may be dead, but he is still dangerous.
If Lewis knew the truth... Well, we don't know the truth.
We don't know where the clock is or what it does, except something horrible.
No, we gotta do the responsible thing: lie to the kid.
[students chattering indistinctly]
[girls continue laughing]
[school bell ringing]
Why do you wear those goggles?
Captain Midnight wears a pair just like these.
You ever seen his show?
Adjective. Impossible to defeat."
That's what they call him.
The Indomitable Captain Midnight.
I just think it might be easier for you if you... lost the goggles.
Acted a little more... you know, normal.
I'm just telling you as a friend.
Friends. We're friends. [car approaches, music plays]
[engine rumbles, backfires]
[brakes squealing] Lewis!
Lewis! [horn honks repeatedly]
Can't you see me?
Over here! Right here!
Lewis! [horn honks]
It's your Uncle Johnny!
I should go.
JONATHAN: Come on! Let's go!
Get in. Where's your goggles?
What are you doing here?
Oh, we gotta get some supplies.
Got a harvest moon tonight.
It's perfect. Perfect for what?
For your first big-time, serious spell.
Should I punch it?
You won't believe what this thing can do.
Can we just go, please?
MAN [over radio]: Well, doggone, that moon will be gone next week with the lunar eclipse coming.
Till then, let's keep on rocking. [engine backfires]
LEWIS [reading woodenly]: "From Saturn to the sun, "from the base to noble one, "like the alchemist of old, turn this dross lead into gold!"
That was really, really...
[chuckling]: I mean, just awful.
You're reading it like it's a Buick manual.
It's not what you say, Lewis.
It's how you say it.
You're the only you in the whole universe.
JONATHAN: That makes your style of magic just crazy unique.
One in a hundred million kajillion.
So I can give you the right books, teach you the right spells, but that last one percent... that's up to you.
So... how do I find my magic style or whatever it is?
It's in there somewhere.
You just have to quiet down and listen.
Now it looks like you're pooping.
Well, I don't know!
This all feels weird.
What's wrong with weird?
Weird's like the nuts in my cookies.
It's the nuts that make things interesting.
Let me show you what a little weird can do.
[plays loud, shrill note]
[plays discordant melody]
[continues discordant playing]
Be a dear.
Fetch a knife and stab me in the ears.
[dogs barking] [discordant playing continues]
[dogs barking and yapping] [lion moans]
[deep, low grumble of lion]
[animal sounds stop]
Well, for a boy who loves words, you're sure at a loss for them.
You're way more than just a parlor magician.
Have a look around.
[quiet whooshing, tinkling]
I was starting to think you were incapable.
You use the litter box!
All right. I'm going to bed.
You're welcome to stay up as long as you like, of course.
Hmm? Tonight, that was the most splendor... s-splendortas... splendorific...
I don't know the word yet, but thank you.
I just wish that I met you a long time ago.
Yeah. Me, too.
Why didn't I?
How come you left home?
Well... truth is, my father-- your grandpa-- didn't like magic.
And he sure didn't like me messing around with it.
We fought about it, and we fought some more until finally I just... took off.
I was the black swan of the family.
It's "black sheep."
Mmm... pretty sure it's "swan."
Is that why you didn't go to Mom and Dad's funeral?
I don't really think she would have wanted me there.
I don't know.
She missed you.
She talked about you all the time.
Uh, good night.
I think that I might be a black swan, too.
Well, then I guess we're a flock of swans.
It's called "a bevy of swans."
? Gonna tell Aunt Mary 'bout Uncle John ?
? He claim he has the misery but he havin' a lot of fun ?
? Oh, baby
? Yes, baby
[cat meows, chair squeaks] ? Whoo, baby
? Havin' me some fun tonight
[squeaky chattering] ? Yeah
? Well, long tall Sally [chair whimpers]
? She's built for speed [cat meows]
? She's got everything [chair squeaks]
? That Uncle John need
? Oh, baby [chair squeaking]
? Yes, baby [cat meows]
? Whoo, baby
? Havin' me some fun tonight, yeah ?
? Well, I saw Uncle John...
Guys! Guys! I'm floating.
Oh, uh, uh... I don't know.
JONATHAN: Levitaius dominungus!
Uh, um... No, just... Put me... Chair!
No, I... Chair! Guys!
Uh, uh... [chair squeaking]
No, no, that's not right. Fiddlesticks.
Just get the...
Um, just one... just... [flashbulb pops]
[kids groaning, clamoring]
CHILD: Seriously, are you almost done?
CHILD 2: Please hurry up!
[whispers]: Water to the face at a very high-speed pace.
Shut up. Shut up. Stop laughing.
[laughter continues] It's not funny.
[stops laughing, clears throat]
[other students continue laughing]
[electrical crackling] You can control the energy if you focus and channel it.
Won't it kill me? Not if you focus.
Then you are the conductor. Watch.
[grunts] [chair squeaks]
? Yes, baby, whoo...
Show me what you got.
? Baby [whirring, crackling]
? Havin' me some fun tonight
? Yeah, well, I saw Uncle John... ?
[chair babbling] Oh! Chair!
Sorry, chair! [crash, cat meows]
? Yeah, baby [crackling]
? Whoo, baby
? Havin' me some fun tonight
? Yeah, we gonna have some fun tonight ?
? We gonna have some fun tonight ?
? Whoo, have some fun tonight
? Everything's all right
? Have some fun
? Have me some fun tonight.
[bell clangs] [creaking]
JONATHAN: Three gongs, Florence.
Last time, it was four; now it's three.
What happens when it gets down to one?
We'll hide in the basement, like sensible people.
Okay, this is no time for jokes.
Things have changed.
What happens if he's here when it goes off?
He won't be, because we are going to find it.
We just have to hold it together.
Let me get some butter.
Plaid button-down, please.
ANNOUNCER [over TV program]: And will the Indomitable Captain Midnight defeat the dastardly Comrade Ivan?
Maybe later, okay?
[chair whines and whimpers] Come on, I'm gonna be late!
See ya. Toodles.
WOMAN [over TV program]: I'm getting out of here.
MAN [over program]: No, stop! Stop! You ain't going anywhere.
WOMAN [over program]: I foolishly walked into a trap.
MAN [over program]: Why, you double-crossing hound.
Stay. [chair groans]
MAN [over program]: I'll have your life for this!
[dramatic music plays over TV program]
Yes! [snaps fingers]
[thump] JONATHAN [grunts]: Chair!
MAN [over intercom]: And the winner of the fourth grade class president election is...
Tarby Corrigan! Yeah!
[school bell ringing]
LEWIS: Tarby. Excuse me.
Tarby. Congratulations, Tarby.
Thanks, Lewis. If you want, I can bring some cookies tomorrow to celebrate.
Yeah, Tarby. Go have a cookie picnic here with the little runt.
I'll catch up later.
LEWIS: Hey, you got your cast off.
Do you want to go hit some balls?
The boys and me... we're gonna explore Wilder Creek.
Maybe another time.
I've got something way better than that.
Everyone's wrong, you know.
It's not haunted.
Magic's not real.
It is real.
My uncle... he's a warlock.
That's a boy witch. And...
I could teach you spells to throw a curveball or-or hit a home run or throw a touchdown every single time.
Cross my heart.
You can see for yourself.
[rhythmic, metallic clunking]
So, where is it already, you evil old coot?
[loud, metallic clicking]
[gasping] [pigeons cooing]
I'll find you that curveball spell.
Just give me a sec.
Whoa. What's in there?
LEWIS: Oh, I...
We're not allowed to open it.
Oh, yeah? Why not?
I don't know, but it's my uncle's only rule.
[drawer slides open] Besides, it's locked.
No... it's not.
[key turning in lock]
Tarby, I mean it. We can't.
Don't be such a scaredy-cat.
Maybe it's the spell you're looking for.
"Noun. The practice of communicating with the dead or raising them to life."
Put it back.
Raising the dead?
Now, thatwould be a trick.
[clattering in distance]
Put it back! We have to put it back right now! -Stop.
None of it's real anyways.
It's all just weird.
You're just weird. [lock clicks]
Was that the Corrigan boy?
He was just leaving.
What were you two doing?
Uncle Jonathan, do you want to play ball with me? I can't right now.
There's something I need to look into.
Later, okay? Okay.
[door shuts, locks click]
JONATHAN: Isaac hid the room with a hex so no one would find these, but I can't make heads or tails of this.
FLORENCE: I know about every magic language there is-- the Alberti cipher, the Enochian glyphs-- but this... [sighs]
Well, at least I lived to see the purple pachyderm get stumped.
I don't know how much longer any of us will be living, weird beard.
Cranky old crone. Mush brush.
Hag face. Oh, go braid your back hair.
I'd give you a nasty look, but you've already got one.
[scoffs] Okay, okay.
You old yeti. Now, look.
What does this mean to you?
JONATHAN: The omega.
Isaac talked about it when he died.
The last letter of the Greek alphabet.
And in early Christianity?
It means Judgment Day.
[metallic cranking and clicking]
MOTHER: You all right, kiddo?
You always were a lousy liar.
You're lonely, huh?
I just wish Jonathan wasn't so busy.
I wish he could spend more time with you.
What about Tarby?
[scoffs] Tarby hates me.
Oh, you can fix that.
Just show him some real magic.
I can't do any real magic.
Yes, you can.
With the book, silly.
The one I told you to find.
Well, you found it, didn't you?
You mean the necromancy book in the library?
Uncle Jonathan told me never to even touch it.
Oh, he won't mind.
He's too busy anyways.
Take the book.
Show Tarby a real trick.
He's gonna be your friend again.
I know it.
[whistle blows] [children clamoring]
GIRL: Tarby's a jerk, you know.
He runs for president every year, and he's always nice until the election.
After that... TARBY: Hey! Over here!
...he goes back to being him.
You don't need him.
We could go look for spiders.
If you want.
[school bell ringing] [whistle blows]
Just leave me alone, okay?
Okay. You want to see some real magic?
I'll show you.
You gonna saw a lady in half?
I'm gonna raise the dead.
You're a liar.
No one can raise the dead.
Unless... unless you're scared.
[kicks ball against fence]
You need a babysitter?
Fine, but this whole thing is just gonna be a big waste of time.
[owl hooting in distance]
[wolf howling in distance]
Tarby? [bird cawing]
Tarby, that's not funny.
It is from here.
Well, come on, smart guy.
Who are we gonna wake up?
How about this one?
LEWIS: The lamb means that it's a kid's grave, and I don't want to raise up a kid.
It's creepy that you know that.
[clicking] This way, I think.
Nice trick with the book, Lewis.
I know that's you. No, it's not.
Is that it?
I think so.
"For thou who sleeps in stone and clay, "heed this call-- rise up and obey.
"Trek on through the mortal door.
Assemble flesh and walk once more."
TARBY: So, what now?
That's all it says.
See, I told you all this was...
[thunder crashes, rain pattering]
[clocks ticking] [yawns]
Could you put those back, please?
[circus music playing] HIGH VOICE: He's coming home!
DEEP VOICE: He's free. VOICE: He's back!
[voices giggling] VOICE: He's awake.
[sighs] HIGH VOICE: He's coming home!
[circus music continues]
[maniacal laughter] Coming home!
He's coming home. He's awake.
Coming home. He's coming home.
He's coming home. Coming home.
He's back! He's coming home.
He's awake. He's back!
He's coming home. He's coming home.
That's not creepy. [voice giggling]
JONATHAN: Who'd be crazy enough to bring Isaac Izard back?
The house knows he's back.
Can you feel that?
Like a dog with rabies.
Knows his master's coming home.
I'm gonna need your help on this one, Florence.
My magic won't be enough.
I'm barely qualified as it is.
I can't. I'll-I'll just mess it up.
I can't do this alone. Well, you won't have to.
Lewis. What about Lewis?
He's stronger than you know.
And one and a half warlocks is better than nothing.
Just tell him the truth. No! He's just a boy.
You're the smartest witch I've ever known.
You can cast spells I can't even pronounce.
I said I can't.
Isaac is coming back, and we can't let him get inside.
[sighs] Well... if your magic is off-limits, then what's the plan?
I can still swing a hammer.
[yapping] [hammering continues]
[Mrs. Hanchett sighs]
These are crazy people, Marmalade.
Do you think these are enough to keep Isaac out?
I'm gonna get some more.
[whistling a tune]
[whistling slows, then stops]
LEWIS [from downstairs]: Uncle Jonathan?
Don't come up! I'm, uh...
I'm coming down.
I-I need to talk to you.
Not a great time, Lewis.
I'm working on a heavy-duty spell.
I want you to stay at Mrs. Z's for a few days. Come on.
I see the horseshoes. I know something's wrong.
What are you talking about? There... Everything's fine.
FLORENCE: No, it's not.
You're right, Lewis.
Something is wrong.
Something is very wrong. Florence.
He's got eyes, Jonathan. [sighs]
It's our friend, Isaac Izard.
Except he's not our friend.
He's very wicked, very powerful, and I'm afraid he's back from the great beyond.
Yeah, uh, that's what I wanted to talk...
And when we find out who's raised him from the dead, they are going to be sorry-- very sorry.
Yeah, they... they sure will.
[sighs] The truth is, it's not safe for you here.
At least not now.
So go next door with Florence, okay?
Everything's gonna be fine.
[quiet chatter] [music playing]
[crackling] [music continues]
Uh, I'm sorry, dear?
What are you doing?
I'm just trying...
[sighs] [music powers down]
Isaac and Uncle Jonathan used to perform together?
They did everything together.
They were best friends.
LEWIS: They were?
[coin clinks, machine whirring]
FLORENCE: Isaac was an orphan, and Jonathan a runaway.
Neither of them had family.
All they had was magic.
And each other.
Then Isaac went away to war.
He was fighting in Germany, when he went M.I.A.
Then, suddenly, Isaac came back home.
But it wasn't the same Isaac.
He was different.
And more powerful than any warlock had the right to be.
What happened to him?
We don't know.
All he said was he was lost in the Black Forest.
Now, that is a very old place with very old magic.
It's where the Brothers Grimm wrote their histories.
You mean their fairy tales.
Now, we think that Isaac met a dark warlock in those woods, a teacher who gave him some terrifying, forbidden books.
One of which is so dangerous that your uncle keeps it locked up in his cabinet.
Then Isaac abandoned poor Jonathan.
And he found himself a witch, Selena.
So spiteful and mean, he married her.
And they locked themselves away in the house.
Until one night last year...
Isaac performed a blood magic ritual that killed him.
LEWIS: What was the ritual for?
To make a key.
A clock key.
Of human bone.
We think his wife's bones.
We think Isaac killed Selena to make it.
Uncle Jonathan said that you were a really good witch-- even better than him.
My magic was the toast of Paris.
You should have seen me before the war.
I melted Salvador Dalí's watch one time, right off his wrist. [snaps fingers]
Then why can't you help us?
You know how magic comes from the inside?
I got hurt one time.
And even though my outsides got better, my insides never did.
And so now, every time I try to work any real magic, it just comes out... broken.
[inhales deeply] Now...
There's very few problems in the world that can't at least be helped by a good chocolate chip cookie.
[school bell ringing] Tarby. Tarby!
Not now, Lewis. I'm late for gym.
No, now. We gotta talk now. What?
BOY: Let go! -WOODY: Where do you think you're going, huh?
The other night, what we did in the cemetery, we did something awful.
My uncle's in trouble. We all are, and...
See, see, there's this clock.
Lewis, just stop. [boys clamoring, grunting]
Nothing happened in that cemetery.
Look, I get it-- you're scared.
I am, too. We're...
[grunts, gasps] Woody!
Let's get out of here! Let's go!
Good morning, Miss Fisher. Woody.
[Lewis panting] I'm not scared.
And if you tell anyone I was there, I'll break both your arms.
You're just a weirdo.
[door creaking] [clocks ticking]
You in here?
[wings fluttering, objects clattering]
[wings fluttering, bird screeching]
Help me! Help, please!
Help! Uncle Jonathan!
Uncle Jonathan! Help!
Help me, please! [Jonathan and Florence grunt]
Get those papers!
Get, get, get. Get!
Are you all right? [panting]
JONATHAN: What are you doing here?
I told you it's not safe.
I was being indomitable.
I suppose you were, weren't you?
You can't do this alone.
You need help, and I can help you. No, you can't.
Actually, I can, 'cause I know how to read this.
But I'm gonna need some Ovaltine.
FLORENCE: Wait, I-I don't understand.
You've seen this code before? Yes.
Comrade Ivan uses one just like it to send commands to his Red Brigade.
Comrade who? Comrade Ivan from the TV show.
But Captain Midnight always stops him and decodes it... with, uh... this, the Captain Midnight Secret Decoder Pin.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.
Three Ovaltine shakes, please.
[doo-wop playing over jukebox]
? Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh
? Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh ? Do, do, do, do...
"With this clock, Selena and I shall wipe this filthy world clean."
It's a doomsday clock.
In a way, it destroys everything, but not by ending the world, but sending it back to the beginning. [boy gasps]
If the planet is one giant clock, then this damn thing is the winder.
[snaps fingers] [whooshing]
[gasps] He's winding it back to the very beginning of time!
[groans] FLORENCE: So everything goes in reverse-- we grow younger and younger until we vanish, until there's no one left.
I knew Isaac was strong, but this goes beyond anything I ever thought he was capable of.
When's it happen?
"When night's at its blackest."
The total lunar eclipse-- tonight.
All those moons painted in my bedroom-- what if Isaac was studying them and waiting for the right moment?
JONATHAN: That's what the gongs are counting down to.
? Fallin' in love
? Oh ? Must be fallin' in love.
We'll take the gumballs, too.
JONATHAN: Isaac's been here.
Isaac pulled all the horseshoes off?
Burned 'em off, one by one.
FLORENCE: Like ants with a magnifying glass.
Ooh, just how powerful is he now?
Death's been good to him.
LEWIS: Chair! It's okay, it's okay.
I'm here. I'm here to help. [pained whimpering]
LEWIS: It's okay.
He's torn the place to pieces.
He must have been looking for something.
And I think I know what.
Well, what are we waiting for?
Let's get rid of it.
Uh, shouldn't this be melting right now?
Too much John the Conqueror root?
Not enough goofer dust.
JONATHAN [chuckles]: Grains of paradise.
FLORENCE: We don't have any grains of paradise.
JONATHAN: You know what?
Maybe a pinch of motherwort. Uncle Jonathan?
FLORENCE: How about some lotus root?
JONATHAN: Yeah, yeah, more lotus root.
LEWIS: Uncle Jonathan. Hmm?
This is my fault.
Lewis, you helped us.
You're the one who decoded the blueprints.
I mean I'm the one who brought Isaac back.
What are you talking about?
I opened the cabinet.
I used your book.
I-I'm so, so, so sorry.
No, you couldn't have. You don't know enough magic to pull off a spell like that.
I just followed the directions.
I bled onto the book.
That was my one rule.
I-I know. I'm sorry.
And you broke it? I didn't mean to.
So you opened a forbidden cabinet and performed an unholy ritual on accident? Jonathan.
I didn't know Isaac was evil.
You never told me.
Oh, so this is my fault?
I didn't say that.
Then what are you saying?!
What the hell were you thinking?!
I just wanted Tarby to be my friend again.
[crying]: And I want my parents back.
And I figured, if it worked here, I could go home and try it on them.
[takes deep breath]
I just want my mom.
It was a mistake.
You coming here.
FLORENCE: Now, hold on, Jonathan.
No. No, please, please.
I'll-I'll make it up to you.
No. This is no place for a kid.
It's not safe for you here.
I was wrong to ever think that it was.
LEWIS: But... we're a bevy of swans.
JONATHAN: I'm sorry.
You stay here. [sobbing]
Let me talk to him.
I know I've got a Malleus Maleficarum around here somewhere.
Should help with the key.
Go ahead, yell at me.
Call me some names.
Not this time.
That little boy needs you.
But what he did...
He's a child.
Children make mistakes. They get in trouble.
That's why they're children.
No, this is not swiping a comic book, Florence.
This is... I-I...
I-I... I don't have a choice here.
Of course you do.
You could stick it out.
No, no, when the going gets tough, you get going right for the exit.
Like how you ran away from your family.
Ran away? My dad threw me out!
And what about your little sister?
She looked up to you.
She needed you, and now she's gone.
And you're going to abandon her only child.
Look, I don't know how to take care of a kid.
How to talk to him, how to keep him safe.
I'm just... You're scared.
Yes, all right?
I'm scared-- for Lewis.
Scared he'll get hurt.
Well, guess what, genius.
That is the whole point.
Having a child means being scared for them 24-7 and doing it anyway.
It's the whole damn job description.
And I would give everything to have that job again.
To have my little girl back to...
You know what?
I do have a name for you.
Jonathan Barnavelt, you're a coward.
[Marmalade yapping in distance]
Mrs. Hanchett! Mrs. Hanchett!
Lewis. He's free.
[stammering]: He's in there. We gotta go now!
Well, who? What are we talking about?
There is someone in your house!
Please hurry! Who?
Come on! Oh, take Marmalade.
Come on! Hurry! Please! Hold on.
We don't care about the door! What? Lewis, it's cold.
He's upstairs! I saw him! Oh, my God.
He's in your house right now! Lewis!
Please! Hurry! Hurry! Lewis! Lewis!
Come on! Wait, hold on, Lewis.
It's slippery, Lewis! Come on, run! Hurry!
Mrs. Hanchett, hurry! Hold on!
It's slippery, Lewis! Stop!
[panting]: You're not making any sense.
What bad man? His name is Isaac.
Isaac Izard. Isaac Izard?
Lewis, he's dead.
He died last year.
Uncle Jonathan! Mrs. Zimmerman!
It must be Isaac. Out of the way.
Mrs. Hanchett, get away from the door.
Don't be ridiculous. No!
[Isaac grunts] [Marmalade yapping]
[gasps] Stay away from her.
Why should I stay away from my beautiful wife?
[both grunting, moaning softly]
You're Selena Izard?
[rapid grunting and squealing]
In the flesh.
But... but you died.
Whoever said I died?
Isaac? [Jonathan and Florence shouting]
[Isaac reciting indistinct spell]
SELENA: Isaac! [grunts]
Is that bone?
He killed her to make some sort of key.
I thought it was made from...
Not my bone, no.
That was a chunk from the real Mrs. Hanchett.
That is, before I killed her and took her place.
[gasps] ISAAC: My wife.
She has a talent for disguises.
I learned from the best. Aw.
Come give your mommy a kiss.
It was you in my dreams.
I couldn't get near that locked cabinet.
The charms were too strong.
But you... you could get that nasty old book for me.
Raise Isaac for me.
You could do everything I wanted.
And now... you are going to get us that clock key.
No, no, not... ah, not there!
[thud] [Jonathan grunts]
[cat yowls] [Florence exhales sharply]
[Jonathan groans] Well, come on!
Now you're just showing off. Lewis!
Lewis! Lewis, where are you?
Isaac took him. Yes, but where?
I think I know.
LEWIS: Uncle Jonathan!
Lewis! We're coming.
Mrs. Zimmerman, I'm over here! I'm over here!
LEWIS: Uncle Jonathan, over here!
Here! No, over here!
Help me! [Florence gasps]
[chain clinks] [audience cheers and applauds]
Barnavelt and Izard, masters of prestidigitation, beloved by the crown heads of Europe, together again.
I'm sure you'll remember my next trick.
[Lewis gasps] [blades scrape]
No! -FLORENCE: No! Uncle Jonathan!
Isaac, don't do this.
ISAAC: I like the boy.
An orphan with a love for Captain Midnight?
Warms my dead heart.
Please don't make me butcher him.
Give me the key.
JONATHAN: You don't have to hurt anyone.
Just tell us-- where is the clock?
The clock is under a witch's hex.
You'll never find it.
This is over. JONATHAN: Isaac, please.
There must be some part of you that doesn't want this, that isn't completely dead.
I was dead long before I died.
FLORENCE: We know you went through something awful during the war.
We all did.
Oh, on the contrary.
It's where I met my teacher.
My unit had been caught in an ambush.
I'd been left for dead.
I stumbled through the Black Forest for days.
I chanted every spell I knew, with one thought only:
"Make me powerful enough to end this."
To erase the horrors I had witnessed.
When I opened my eyes...
I saw him.
He offered me something to drink.
For a small price, of course.
Suddenly, I had it.
The blueprints for the clock.
In my mind.
Clear as day.
That wasn't a warlock.
It wasn't even a human.
It was a demon, you reckless idiot!
You summoned a demon! [laughs]
Azazel, to be exact.
The fourth prince of hell.
Oh, he gave me a wonderful gift.
The greatest magic trick ever.
I'm going to make people disappear.
Spin the world back until the dawn of time.
All that will be left...
Selena and I. FLORENCE: But... if you go back to the beginning, history, humans, it will all just start over again.
I'll make sure people are never born this time.
With the help of a friend.
Lewis's parents won't die in that awful crash.
Your husband and sweet little girl won't be killed.
ISAAC: They'll never have existed.
No people, no war.
Now would be a good time...
[straining]: for a little... magic.
ISAAC: Of all people, Florence, I thought you'd want this.
I know what losing your family did to you.
You're too sad and broken... [Jonathan grunts]
...to work any real magic.
Maybe I was.
[sizzling] [pained yelling]
[Jonathan grunts quietly]
Where are they? They're gone.
LEWIS: Mind your step. There's a tongue.
JONATHAN: I've got it. There's a big tongue.
[voice shaking]: So... creepy.
JONATHAN: Oh, oh!
[toys and puppets chattering indistinctly]
Uncle Jonathan! Uncle Jonathan!
Lewis, don't freak them out! [laughing]
Unhand me. Let me go!
[childlike]: Mommy. Mommy. JONATHAN: Put me down! Stop!
[whirring, rapid clicking]
[gasps, screams] [horn honking]
ROBOTIC VOICE: Why won't you talk to me?
Why won't you talk to me? [screams]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Hey, wait! Help us!
Let me go! Let go of me! Let go of me!
Jonathan! Jonathan! Jonathan!
Lewis, you okay? I'm okay.
[sighs] Would you look at that?
JONATHAN: Okay, let's get back in there.
FLORENCE: What, with those creepy metal monsters inside?
They'll tear us to shreds. Florence, we have to find Isaac and Selena. [conversation fades]
[creaking, quiet growling]
FLORENCE: You heard Isaac. He's using a witch's hex!
JONATHAN: I understand that. So, should we just sit around and try to figure out the hex?
No. We need a plan! We don't have time!
[shrieking, snarling] [Jonathan gasps]
Oh, my giddy aunt.
Don't worry. Their teeth are made of pumpkin.
They can't really hurt us.
[jack-o-lantern squeals] [Jonathan grunts, gasps]
[grunts] Okay, I made that up.
[jack-o-lanterns squealing] [gasping]
Some kind of ungodly adhesive.
[grunting] LEWIS: I'm stuck!
JONATHAN: You know, I didn't think this is how I was gonna die.
Look! Mrs. Zimmerman, grab my shirt.
I got you.
Just chop! Lewis, hurry!
JONATHAN: Chop! Chop!
God, I hate pumpkins.
Did you see that, Florence?
I exploded it with a psychic energy blast. It worked!
Yes, Jonathan. We're all very proud of you.
Did you see that I now have the power?
Yes, I understand. Gold star.
LEWIS: Uncle Jonathan.
Uncle Jonathan, it's me. Please wake up!
FLORENCE: Jonathan. LEWIS: Uncle Jonathan.
FLORENCE: Jonathan, you've got to get up.
You've got to get up right now!
Uncle Jonathan! [grunts, sighs]
What are you looking at, you shriveled old prune?
I'm looking at you, you dumb baby orangutan.
[chuckles] Aw, Lewis.
Oh, Florence, you missed a spot.
[whooshing, crackling] Lewis...
I'm sorry, Lewis. I'm sorry about everything.
Me, too. FLORENCE: Don't get me wrong.
Uh, this is lovely, but there's only 18 minutes till the eclipse.
And they've got the key.
How do we find the clock?
It's got a witch's hex on it.
That means it's hidden from every witch or warlock, no matter how powerful.
Not even Florence could find it.
[sighs] There must be something we're not thinking of.
Maybe I could find it.
I'm not a witch or warlock.
Well, not-not yet anyways, but... maybe if I tried some magic, would that work?
[takes deep breath]
Lewis, I don't know about that 8 Ball.
Hey, this is my magic, not yours.
To discover the exact place and position of."
Something that is kept unknown or unseen."
"A mechanical device used for measuring time.
He is weird. Isn't he, though?
LEWIS: Locate the secret clock.
Locate the secret clock!
Please, Mom and Dad.
Tell me where the clock is, please.
LEWIS: "Under the boiler."
[gasps] Lewis, you genius.
[jack-o-lanterns growling and snarling]
[explosive whooshing] [screeching]
[growling and screeching continue]
Trick or treat!
Mrs. Zimmerman? Hmm?
What is that?
Open the door.
Working on it.
Jonathan! [Lewis screams]
That's not helping.
[banging and growling stop]
Crack it open.
[cackling continues] [circus music playing]
[toys chattering, laughing]
JONATHAN: Even in death, so creepy.
[circus music continues]
[toy sounds slow to a stop]
[quiet, mechanical whirring]
JONATHAN: Florence, I really have to pee.
FLORENCE: Not the time, Jonathan.
[rhythmic, metallic clunking]
[rhythmic clunking, fan whirring]
Mrs. Zimmerman! Florence!
It's okay. She knows how to handle Snakespeare.
Come here. Quickly.
I taught you everything you know, Jonathan.
I didn't teach you everything I know.
My darling. [crumbling]
[rumbling] [Jonathan grunting]
[grunts] Wait there, Lewis.
No, I have to come with you. No!
There may be traps.
I have protection. [grunts]
JONATHAN: I feel something.
[clicking] I got it!
[ticking, heavy clunking]
[gasps] Uncle Jonathan?
Shh, shh. It's okay.
It's okay. It's okay.
Shh. It's me, Lewis, your nephew.
Shh, shh. [crying continues]
Come with us to the turret.
It's a special turret.
It'll protect us.
I like you, Lewis.
I like being your mom.
ISAAC: Forget about your uncle.
Soon, he'll be gone.
[gasps] Like everyone else.
Uncle Jonathan! [childlike babbling]
[gasps] [laughing continues]
Hey. I got you.
[sighing] [Lewis groans]
[Lewis panting] [Jonathan cooing]
[Jonathan cooing, babbling]
[coos, whimpers] [electrical crackling]
Mom, Dad, what should I do?
Say good-bye? I don't get it!
What do you mean?
[metallic clanking, electrical crackling]
Okay. Good-bye, guys.
I love you.
Look, my darling.
The sands of time are shifting.
[rapid ticking] [people gasping, muttering]
[electrical whooshing and crackling]
[metallic screeching] [grunts]
[metallic grinding and creaking]
Something is wrong. What is it?
I'm gonna show you what a little weird can do.
[grunts] [explosive whoosh]
[yells] [Selena screams]
[Isaac and Selena screaming] [crackling and whooshing]
[clunking slows to a stop]
[grunting nearby] What?
You did it.
[chuckles] You stopped the clock!
Do not tell Florence about the baby body.
She'll never let me live it down.
I won't. You promise?
No baby body. Warlock secret?
Never happened. [chuckles]
You're the best.
[chuckles] You did it.
Toss me my trousers.
Not a word to Florence. I'm serious.
FLORENCE: Well, well, well.
Look what the cat threw up. [quiet squeaking]
[Jonathan chuckling] FLORENCE: Whew!
Oh, you fixed Snakespeare!
Well, you stopped the clock?
Nah, I just wet my pants.
Lewis stopped the clock.
You are indomitable.
I'm sorry you lost your family.
I'm sorry you lost yours.
But maybe, would you want to be a black swan with us?
Can I be a purple one?
I would like that very much.
[school bell ringing]
I don't want the creepy little runt.
Think I want him?
LEWIS: You know what, fellas?
I don't really want to play anyways.
[whispers]: Ball to the face at a very high-speed pace.
[boys grunt in pain]
[students exclaiming] STUDENT: What?!
We want Lewis on our team.
No, we want him. No!
Rose Rita, right?
Can I see your bug book?
I've seen you with your dictionary.
You know the word is "insect."
You drew these?
These are really good.
You look like an insect.
I mean that as the highest compliment.
That's how I take it.
[school bell ringing] [indistinct chatter]
Who was that?
Rose Rita Pottinger. She's a friend.
Is it kissy-faced? No, platonic.
Look at him playing it cool-- James Dean all of a sudden.
Uncle Jonathan, punch it.
Let's see what this baby can do.
[Florence and Jonathan laugh]
[engine backfires, rumbles]
Hi! We're home! Oh!
You ready? Oh, yeah.
[chair honking] Stay.
FLORENCE: You know, Jonathan, you drive like an old grandma.
JONATHAN: Oh, that's funny. You look like one.
LEWIS: Guys, stop. You're both super old.
JONATHAN [laughs]: Nice one, Lewis.
FLORENCE: Gold star.
[groans] JONATHAN: Bad kitty!
Use the litter box! [lion roars]
? Hey, lolly lolly
? Hey, hey, lolly lolly
? Hey, hey, lolly lolly ?
[bowling pins crashing]
[chain saw buzzing]
? Well, it ain't what you used to watch ?
? But what you now have missed ?
? I say it ain't... [roaring]
[bowling pins crashing] [chain saw buzzing]