The Jerk (1979) Script


I am not a bum.

I'm a jerk.

I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman.

Now, I only have two things.

My friends and... uh... my thermos.


My story?


It was never easy for me.

I was born a poor black child.

I remember the days sittin' on the porch with my family singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi.






Boy, I hope everybody's good and hungry.

I know I am.

FATHER: And I'm ready for that.

Here's corn bread and collard greens.

And I cooked up those hog maws you like.

Mother, dear, ain't we forgetting somethin'?

No, I'm not. Today is Navin's birthday.


Happy Birthday!

Today is Navin's birthday.

And I cooked you up your favorite meal.

Tuna fish salad on white bread with mayonnaise a Tab, and a couple of Twinkies.

Here, darlin'.

Gee, Mom, thanks.

You're gonna like that shit, man.


I got you a present.

Gee, Elvira.

I made it myself.

We got you somethin', too.

A whole half bottle of Lilac Vegetal.

It's from both of us. Gee.


I drew you this picture.



NAVIN: Thank you.

I want you to have my Zippo.

Gee, Dad, you had this since the war.


(CHOKING) Thanks, everybody.

God bless us, every one.



Well, will you pass me the potatoes and the collard greens?

Navin, darlin'?

I'm sorry I spoiled the party, Mom.

Aw, you didn't spoil the party.

Navin, I brought you a Twinkie.

I'm not hungry right now.

You feelin' different again, huh?

It's like I don't fit in.

It's like I don't belong here.


It's your birthday, and it's time you knew.

Navin, you're not our natural-born child.

I'm not?

You were left on our doorstep.

But we raised you like you were one of us.

You mean I'm gonna stay this color?


Navin, I'd love you if you were the color of a baboon's ass. Come here.

Uh, Navin...

Navin, I... I wrapped your sandwich in cellophane, just like you like it.

You, uh, wanna come in and sing some blues?

No thanks, Taj.

There's somethin' about those songs, they depress me.

(CHUCKLING) Come here, darlin'.



That's it, darlin'.

You're gettin' the rhythm, see?


MALE ANNOUNCER: And that concludes this Sunday Night Gospel Hour live from the Four Square Gospel Church at the Divine Salvation in St. Louis, Missouri.

The Rev. Williard Willman, Pastor.

And now, Music Throughout the Night.

Music in a mellow mood.




What happened? What happened?

Don't touch that radio! Don't touch it!

Turn it up! Turn it up!

This is unbelievable!

I've never heard music like this before!

It speaks to me! Taj, Dad.

This is unbelievable. Now watch. Now watch.



Well, if this is out there, think how much more is out there!

This is the kind of music that tells me to go out there and be somebody!

But, Navin.

Let him go.

Son, now that you're goin' out into the world, there's, uh, somethin' you should know.


You see that?


That's shit.


And this, Shinola.



Son, you're gonna be all right.

Now what town are you gonna try for first?

Well, I thought I'd try to go to St. Louis

'cause that's where that radio show was coming from.

And remember, the Lord loves a workin' man.

Lord loves a workin' man.

And Son, don't never, ever trust whitey.

Don't trust whitey.

The Lord loves a workin' man, don't trust whitey.


Oh, baby.


Pierre. Come here.

Don't you forget to grow up now.

Good luck.

Send me a picture postcard.

Don't forget, baby.

Okay, okay, let the boy go.


We got work to do.

And I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for.


I will, Ma. I know it's out there.

It's out there all right, and if you catch it, see a doctor and get rid of it.

See a doctor and get rid of it.

Good luck.

The Lord loves a workin' man.

Don't trust whitey.

See a doctor and get rid of it.

Bye, Grandma.



Oh, I sure do miss Navin.

ELVIRA: Is he ever comin' back?

Take away his place settin'.

It's making us too goddamn sad.

I wonder if he's doin' all right.

Hey, Navin, how you doin'?

Don't worry 'bout me.

I think I see a car comin'.

No wait, it's a truck. It's a truck.

Oh, Lord, take care of our little boy.


I'm hitchhikin'.

How far you goin'?

St. Louis. How far are you goin'?

To the end of this fence.



I'm Navin Johnson. What's your name, sir?

Here we are.


Thanks for the company.

NAVIN: I hope I can repay you someday.




Well, what is it, boy? Are you lost?


Do you want to play? Is it trouble?


Trouble? Is it an accident?

A drownin'? A fire?



Gosh, we've got to warn everybody.

I've heard about dogs like you.

You're gonna be famous.

You're gonna... You're gonna get your picture taken, and they'll put it in the paper.

Gosh, this is excitin'. You saved my life.

Come on, let's warn everybody.

Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!

Fire! It's a fire!


There's a fire! Everybody! Wake up.

There's a fire!

This dog, he's saving everybody's life!

He's unbelievable.

He's some dog. He's a lifesaver.

NAVIN: That's what I'll call him, too. Old Lifesaver.

That's gonna be your name!


Folks? False alarm. There's no fire.


Hey, mister, don't call that dog "Lifesaver."


Call him "Shithead."

Good. Shithead.

It's excitin'.

It's just exciting to have this kind of life on the road.

A guy and his dog.


MAN: St. Louis?

No. Navin Johnson.

No, do you want a lift to St. Louis?

Oh! Okay, thanks.

Hop in.

NAVIN: This will be fine. Right here.


Thank you.

Where you goin'?

To the bathroom.

You gotta have a key.

Can I get one?

My key is for customers who buy gas.


I'm buying gas.

I don't see no car.

I... I just need enough for my lighter.

Oh, look at this.

And my wife wanted me to stay home today.

Look what I would have missed.

A complete fill-up for a whole lighter, huh?

It's on that wall.

Thank you.


And don't walk away with it.

I won't.


HARRY: Hey, pop-top.

Hey, silverbird, I'm talkin' to you.


Listen, you wanna be president of the Texaco Oil?


Then clean up the sink in there.

Then I'll be president of Texaco Oil?

Whatever happened to workin' your way up?

He starts workin' for me 10 minutes and already he wants to be president.

Get to work in there.

But, sir, I don't work here.

Not even for $1.10 an hour?

NAVIN: "Dear Folks, I got this great job in a gas station.

"I don't wanna say how much I'm getting, but let's just say it's a lot."

"I'm enclosing $2."

That's a good boy.

"It's a lot of fun working and Mr. Hartounian is really nice.

He's teaching me how to be impatient."


"Well, I gotta go now.

What do you think I do, write letters all day?"

You actually sleep here?

Yes, is that okay?

Come with me.

I got a beautiful little place for you to stay.

Put the light on. You're gonna like it here.

Like it?

I love it! This is fabulous!

I mean, you got the toilet here.

This must be the kitchen. No.

You know, what I could do is take this wall and just turn it this way so I've got a much larger living space, plus it'll create a flow into the main living area.

It'll be incredible.

No, no, I'll just elevate this about 6 inches.

Create the illusion of two rooms and yet still have that flow.

Then I can take bookshelves and put them here.

No, I'll put the books right over here.

That way I can be relaxed over here. The customers... come in and use the urinal. Navin. Navi.

I won't disturb them, they won't disturb me.

Take it easy, it's not here. It's in here.


I couldn't afford this, anyway.

Well, this is it.

It's perfect.

I won't have to change this at all.

Take a look.

No kitchen, no windows, no chairs, no tables.

It's a masterpiece of understatement.

I'll put a bed down here, get a bigger bulb.

I'll bring some sheets from the house.

You'll be set for life.


How much is this gonna cost me?


When you're rich and famous, you'll send me a postcard.

A postcard, huh?

Okay. It's a deal.

It's a deal.

What are those?

HARRY: Step outside for a second, darlin'.

Navin, this is my wife, Lenore.

Lenore, this is Navin.

Pleased to meet you.

Navin, do you know why a woman of such pulchritude is married to a man like me?

'Cause I make a very comfortable living.

And this is the first time I'm leaving you alone on a Sunday.

If anything should happen to this station, this woman would leave me like a...

In other words, there would be no more, uh...

Do you know what I'm talkin' about?

Yes, sir. No more...

So remember, guard this station with your life.

Because my sex life is in your hands.





I can fix those shocks.

No, no, we just want some gas, muchacho.

Okay, but it's Sunday. We got to have a credit card.


Then all the cash is locked up?

Oh, no, not locked up.

We got a lot of cash.

It's just that the banks are closed, and I'm not allowed to have cash coming in or going out

'cause I'm here alone for the first time.

I don't want anything to happen.

And you know, you flash this kind of wad in front of some people, they'll kill you for it.

So we got to have a credit card.

Hey, Trin, have you got a credit card in there?

Huh? Credit card. Hola.


Oh, no thanks, I don't smoke.

What kind of cigarette is that?

A joint.


They don't make 'em very good.

Master Charge do?

Yeah, that's fine. We take Master Charge.

You want a fill-up, uh, Mrs. Nussbaum?

Oh, I'm Mr. Nussbaum.

Yeah, that-that's his wife's card.

His wife's card, huh?

Yeah, I'll vouch for him.

Okay, as long as we've got a voucher.






I got it. Just send a police car over.

Mrs. Nussbaum's credit card.

I got the guys who stole it.


Hold on, they're calling me.

I'll be right back.




Yeah. Throw a couple of tires in the trunk.

Put it on the card. Radials.

NAVIN: Okay.

Make them whitewalls.

Yes, sir, Mr. Nussbaum.

I'm back. Only, it's worst than I thought.

They're not only sticking us for gas, but they're grabbing tires and everything.

They're really socking it to us.

Yeah, it's Hartounian's Gas Station at the corner.

Hang on a second.

I don't want to get them suspicious.

Don't worry, I can keep them here.

I saw this trick in a movie.


Got your tires.

MAN: Yeah, yeah, good.




Anything else?


We'll take that money you got in your pocket.

Oh, sure. I'll just put it on the card.

Hey, guess what?

You are our eighth customer today.

You won a free oven mitt.

Hah! I'll go get it for you.


Yeah, I'm back. Uh-huh.


Yeah, they're gonna be here for a while.

Don't worry. I rigged it.

You guys wanna stick around for an oven mitt?




Hang on just a second.


Um, they might not be here exactly, uh, when you get back but, uh, it's a... It's a blue Chevy two-door, and it'll be going south on Hertodo Street.

No, I can't make out the license number but, uh, it'll be pulling a small church.

So, any blue Chevy pulling a small church, I figure that-that'd be the one.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Believe me, I'm not mad at you.

What's the matter with you?

What did I lose? A couple of tires?

Look at the bright side, we also lost a church.

Gee, Mr. Hartounian.


Gee, Mr. Hartounian!


Oh, my God!

Thank you.

The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here!

Boy, I wish I could get that excited about nothin'.

Nothing? Are you kidding? Page 73.

"Johnson, Navin R."

I'm somebody now!

Millions of people look at this book every day.

This is the kind of spontaneous publicity your name in print, that makes people...

I'm in print.

Things are going to start happening to me now.

Johnson, Navin R.

Sounds like a typical bastard.

MADMAN: Die, Navin R. Johnson!

Bastard. Random son of a bitch.

Typical run-of-the-mill bastard.

NAVIN: Fill her up?

STAN: Fill her up, son, and a little bit extra.

Stan Fox, buying gas.

Navin R. Johnson selling it, sir.

MADMAN: Got you, you average, typical, blocking-of-the-view of a goddamn average victim bastard.

Check your oil?

Check away, Navin R. Johnson.

Oil rag at the ready, sir.

Let's check the oil together.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Son-of-a-blocking bastard.

Looks good to me, sir, but I'd like your opinion.

Damn these glasses.

It looks good to me, too.

Hurry up, son, time's a-wastin'.

I'm going to the john.

Don't forget to check those tires.

Damn these glasses, son.

Yes, sir, I damn thee.



Damn these glasses!


I can fix those glasses.

You can?

Well, here, fix those suckers.


Sir? Guess what? I fixed them.

I was back there thinking, "What causes glasses to slip on and off?"

And it's because when you take them on and off, you're always putting pressure on the frames like this.

It causes 'em to spread.

So I put a little handle right here in the center, and it puts the pressure on the bridge where it belongs, just like the tie rods on a '72 Buick.

Plus, I put a little nose break on them here to prevent slippage. Try it.

Use the handle.

Well, I'll be...

It works.

You know, I make a pretty good living selling shit like this.

I'll tell you what, if I can develop this gizmo, I'll split it with you 50/50.

Okay, how much do I owe you for the gas?

I got a trunk load of shit to sell.


Here's $30. Keep the change.

Wow! Thanks.

MADMAN: Dead center! Say your prayers, half-breed!


Hey, Harry. Look at this.

What's the matter with these cans?

Die, Milk Face!


These cans are defective.

They're springing leaks.

Come over here and look at this.

Listen, you better run for cover or you're gonna spring a leak. Uh?

We don't have defective cans.

We have a defective person out there.


He hates these cans.

Stay away from the cans!

Die, gas pumper.

I got to get away from those cans.


There's cans in there, too.


More cans.

Die, you bastard.


He doesn't want to put holes in the cans.

He wants to put holes in you.



Milk face bastard!

Oh, my God. I'm endangering your life.

Cover me. You're covered.

Suck my toes!

You stay here. I'll distract him.


Shithead! Come on!

Come on, boy. Good boy.

"Carnival personnel only." Damn.

Shithead, come on!

You're not carnival personnel!

Come on, boy, come on.

Hey, he ain't no carnival personnel.


Okay, you move it out.


NAVIN: So, Mom, when I told Mr. Hartounian I'd come back, he said "Don't be a putz. See the world.

Me, you've seen already."

I took his advice and got a job with SJM Fiesta Shows as a weight guesser.

Frosty, my boss, told me there's a big future in weight guessing.

Enclosed is $4.75 for my loving family.

P.S. Is Grandma still fartin'?

NAVIN: For $1, I'll guess your weight, your height, or your sex.

The most exciting thing on the midway.

Imagine the thrill of getting your weight guessed by a professional.

You can blow up your cheeks, you can stick out your chest, but you're not going to fool the guesser.

How about you, sir? Step right up.

Honey, let's see how good this guy is.

Now, what do I win?

Uh, anything in this general area, right in here.

Anything below the stereo, and on this side of the bicentennial glasses.

Anything between the ashtrays and the thimble.

Anything in these three inches.

Right in here, in this area, that includes the Chiclets but not the erasers.

No, sir. Come on, honey.

He thought he had himself a rube.

Frosty, I am just no good at this.

Oh, come on, Navin, you're doing fine.

No, I've already given away eight pencils, two hula dolls, and an ashtray, and I've only taken in $15.

Navin, you have taken in $15 and given away 50 cents' worth of crap.

Which gives us a net profit of $14.50.


It's a profit deal.


That takes the pressure off.

Get your weight guessed right here.

Only $1.

Actual live weight guessing.

Take a chance and win some crap.

Step right up.

MALE ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, I draw your attention now to the left side of our midway, presenting the amazing Patty Bernstein doing her special ride through the Flaming Wall of Death.




Wanna guess my weight, greenie?

I saw you last night. You were great.

Yeah, right.

Turn around.


Turn around.

Go like this.

You're okay.

Give me a bite of that corn dog.

What about germs?

Put a rubber on it.

Get on.

FROSTY: Don't you wear him out.

He's got to work tonight.

What a great place.


You know, you can tell so much about a person from the way they live.

Just looking around here, I can tell you're a genuinely dirty person.

What do I do with this?

Oh, you keep it there.


Where's your garbage?

Do you know what I'd like to do?


Guess your weight.

Hey, that would be interesting for me.

No one has tried to guess my weight.

You see, I guess their weights. It'd be sort...

Put your arms up.

This will give me a whole different perspective on this.

NAVIN: Hey, you're really trying to be accurate.

Is it getting hot in here?


Wait a minute!

What's happening to my special purpose?

What's your "special purpose"?

Well, when I was a kid, my mom told me that was my special purpose and someday I'd find out what that special purpose was.

Today's the day!



Hey, this is like a... a ride.


"My Dear Family, guess what?

"Today I found out what my special purpose is for.

"Gosh, what a great time I had.

"I wish the whole family could have been here with me.

"Maybe some other time

"as I intend to do this a lot

"every chance I get.

"I think next week I'll be able to send more money

"as I may have extra work.

"My friend Patty promised me a blowjob.

Your lovin' son, Navin."

And he's got the kisses here.

That Patty must be a sweet girl.

God bless her.




NAVIN: Do you ever think we'll get to know each other well enough to kiss?

PATTY: We don't have to. You're my man.

It's like we're married. Look at my ass.


You have my last name tattooed right there under the "J's."

First I get my name in the phone book, and now I'm on your ass.

You know, I'll bet more people see that than the phone book.



End of the line. This is Engineer Fred.

Come back and visit me again.

WOMAN: Billy.



Have you seen a 5-year-old boy, blond hair, and he's wearing a T-shirt that says "Bullshit" on it?

No. There was just one kid earlier, had a T-shirt that said "Life sucks" on it.

We got off the roundup and he said he wanted to go on the trains.

Well, I don't think... There he is. Billy!

NAVIN: Hey, come back here!

Billy, come on off that train!

Pull that lever! Pull the lever! Here, hold that.

And these.


And take my keys. And hold my wallet.


Don't touch the Johnson bar.

You'll explode the fuel casing.

And if the Wilson-Smith indicator gets above 160, just turn that little...

Billy, I can't take you anywhere anymore!

There's a little screwdriver there.

Just put it in, turn it one-quarter.

We're going into the tunnel.

Don't stand up because the clearance is only four foot...

Oh, no!

I'm okay. I was protected by the bill of my Engineer Fred cap.


Thanks for pulling my cap down.

Oh, Billy.

Billy, you scared me half to death.

Thank you so much.

It would have been so embarrassing to go home without Billy.

Oh, here's your gloves and your oil can and your wallet. Oh, and this fell out.


Those guys.

Listen, what you did just now was very brave.

Is there some way I could repay you?

Repay me?

I could never accept anything from you for saving your child.

Oh, he's not my child.

I'm just babysitting for a friend.

Oh! Would it be too much if I asked for a kiss?


He's a real little dickens.

Thank you.

Oh, Miss?

I was... I was just standing here right now and I was wondering if you weren't doing anything tomorrow

that maybe you might wanna go out or...


(BABBLING) I thought maybe you might wanna go out with me.

Are you trying to ask me for a date?


Once for no, twice for yes.


Um, you're so cute.

How about 3:30 tomorrow at the roundup?


Do you have any boyfriends?

Not really.

Are they crazy?

If I was a fella, I'd be around all the time.

Well, see if you can work it out.

We have a date tomorrow.

What's your name?


What's yours?

I'll tell you tomorrow.

It'll give us something interesting to talk about.


What's up, hubby?

I got these for you.


Navin, you know the other day when I showed you the tattoo?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I forgot to tell you somethin'.

Oh, really? What?


And that's what's gonna happen to you if I ever catch you looking at another broad.

I'm glad you told me.

And remember, I did this without anger.

And I stayed away from your crotch.

Bye, sweetie.


What happened?

Oh, it was unbelievable. These guys jumped me.

Tried to get these flowers.

I got 'em for you.

It's kind of a traditional date deal.

Yeah, I've heard of that. What were they?

Uh, couple of dozen roses.

Look like daisy stems.


That guy gypped me.

He put... put daisy stems on my roses.


Hey, look, these hoodlums are dangerous.

I think we ought to get out of here before she sees us.



You said "she."

No. No. I always call a gang "she."

It's like when you call a boat "she," or... or a hurricane "she."

Or a girl?

A girl. You can call a girl "she."

That's just one of the many things you can call "she."


MARIE: Why are you smiling?

NAVIN: You're the first person I've ever had in my place.

Do you live here? Oh, it's nice.

So, did you decorate it?

I got all this stuff from the old Cup O' Pizza place before they tore it down.

That was really good pizza.

Oh, this is the best pizza in a cup ever.

This guy's unbelievable.

He ran the old Cup O' Pizza guy out of business.


People come from all over to get this. Uh-huh.


You know, you have beautiful skin.

May I?


So smooth and flexible.

I take after my mother's side of the family.

It's amazing the way it just snaps back like that. Amazing.

Are you a model?


I'm a cosmetologist.

Really? A cosmetologist?

That's unbelievable. That's impressive.

It must be tough to handle the weightlessness.

Can I ask you a personal question?

What is it?

Now be totally honest.

You do have a boyfriend, don't you?

Kind of.

I know this is our first date

but do you think the next time you make love to your boyfriend, you could think of me?

Well, I haven't made love to him yet.

That's too bad.

Do you think it's possible that some day you could make love with me and think of him?

Who knows?

Maybe you and he can make love and you could think of me.

I'd just be happy to be in there somewhere.

Do you have a girlfriend?

Does it matter?

Well, I'd like to think you were available.

Oh, I'm available.

Did you forget about my ass?

No! No, I've been thinking about it.

She tattooed my name on her ass.

Not just my name, a lot of names.

And funny sayings, too.

She's got one up there that says, "Slippery when wet."

How do you know that?

What is she? Some great piece of ass?

She's no great piece of ass.

I mean, uh...

Hey, wait... wait a minute. Wait a minute.

We're all adults here. Let's reason this out.

Now Marie is the type of person that if you gotta...

If this gash doesn't get her buns out of here, I am gonna drive this bike up her butt!

While Patty tends to be more direct.

As for you, farm boy, (GRUNTS) we're married!

And as for you, kewpie doll...

You protected me!

You must really like me.

NAVIN AND MARIE: ♪ I know, I know, you belong ♪

♪ To somebody new ♪

♪ But tonight ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ Although, although we're apart ♪

♪ You're a part of my heart ♪

♪ And tonight ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ Way down ♪

♪ By the stream ♪

♪ How sweet ♪

♪ It will seem ♪

♪ Once more, just to dream ♪

♪ In the moonlight ♪

♪ My Honey, I know, I know ♪

♪ With the dawn ♪

♪ That you ♪

♪ Will be gone ♪

♪ But tonight ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ Just to little old me ♪♪


You know, while you were playing that just now, (WAVES BREAKING)

I had the craziest fantasy that I could rise up.

Float right down the end of this cornet.

Right through here.

Through these valves, right along this tube, come right up against your lips, and give you a kiss.

Why didn't you?

I didn't want to get spit on me.




Was it good for you, too?

I really do want to kiss you.

But I'm afraid.

I would've kept my tongue in.

No, I mean,

I'm afraid if I kiss you,

I'll fall in love with you.

You will?

And I don't want to.

You don't?

My mother sacrificed everything to send me through cosmetology school.

She did?

She has this dream for me to be something.

She does?

To marry someone with power, money, vision.

Someone with a special purpose.

I've got one!

I've got a special purpose!

You do?

(EXCLAIMING) Yes, it's fantastic!

It's great! It's unbelievable!

And I was afraid to tell you about it!

Your mother's gonna love me!

Marie, are you awake?


You look so beautiful and peaceful, you almost look dead.

And I'm glad because there's something I wanna say that's always been very difficult for me to say.

I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit.

I've never been relaxed enough around anyone to be able to say that.

You give me confidence in myself.

I know we've only known each other for four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days.

The first day seemed like a week.

And the second day seemed like five days.

And the third day seemed like a week again.

And the fourth day seemed like eight days.

But the fifth day, you went to see your mother.

And that seemed just like a day.

But then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days.

So in the evening, it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day.

And that started seeming like four days.

So at the end of the sixth day, on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days.

And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half.

I have it written down but I can... I can show it to you tomorrow if you wanna see it.

Anyway, I've decided that tomorrow, when the time is right, I'm gonna ask you to marry me.

If that's okay with you.

Just don't say anything.

You've made me very happy.

♪ Oh, I'll see you again ♪

♪ Whenever spring breaks through again ♪ NAVIN: Honey, sing!

♪ Time may lie heavy between ♪

♪ But what has been ♪

♪ Is past forgetting ♪

♪ This sweet memory ♪

♪ Across the years, will come ♪


♪ To me ♪

♪ Though my world ♪

♪ May go awry ♪

♪ In my heart ♪

♪ Will ever lie ♪

♪ Just the echo of a sigh ♪

♪ Goodbye ♪♪ NAVIN: Honey, who's the happiest guy in the world?

You are.

That's right.

And who's the happiest gal?


That's right.

NAVIN: Honey, guess what?

I wrote a song for you this morning.

♪ Oh, I'm picking out a thermos for you ♪

♪ Not an ordinary thermos for you ♪

♪ But the extra-best thermos you can buy ♪

♪ With vinyl and stripes and a cup built right in ♪

♪ I'm picking out a thermos for you ♪

♪ And maybe a barometer, too ♪

♪ And what else can I buy so on me you'll rely ♪

♪ A rear-end thermometer, too ♪♪ NAVIN: Honey?

There's a question I've been wanting to pop, but I've been afraid you'd say no.

But this seems like the right time and place.

So here goes.

Honey, will you marry me?



Come on, let's seal it with a kiss!

Get in the tub with me!

Not you, Shithead! Where's Marie?


What letter?

"Dear Navin."

(GIBBERING) tell... be...


Marie! Marie!

(SHITHEAD BARKING) NAVIN: Shithead, come here.

Good idea.

Marie! Marie, why did you leave me?

I couldn't read the letter. It was too blurry.

Marie! Marie!

(GROWLING) Here, boy.

Marie! Marie!

Marie! Marie!

Where are you, Marie?

Marie! Marie!

This is not gonna be easy, Shithead.

We've been together a long time.

But I gotta head down that road.

And there'll be times out there when there won't be enough food for two.

And I won't be able to...

Hey, wait a minute!

I-I'm not done yet!

Come back. I'm not finished.

I have some more to tell you.

You'll find a family who can give you a real home, with loving kids and a warm fireplace.

I never liked you, anyway.

Now get out of here!

Okay! Okay! You win. You can go with me.

NAVIN: So, Mom, with my faithful dog leading the way, I'm out to win the hand of Marie.

You'd love her, Ma. She looks just like you.

Except she's white and blond.

So, to win her back, I vowed to make something of myself.

I settled in Los Angeles and took the money I saved and rented my first apartment.

"I haven't heard from Marie.


"Things couldn't be worse.

I can only send you 49 cents this week..."

Oh, bless his heart.

That's a good boy.

" I've lost all my jobs.

"I've been eating well, though.

"The hospital gives out free meals of orange juice and cookies.

"And all I have to do is give them a pint of blood.

I ate there all week. Three times a day."

A pint of blood?

"I decided to quit

"when I cut myself shaving and nothing came out but air.

"I have to go now as someone is staring at me through binoculars.

Your loving son, Navin."

It's him.


What's him doing here?

Shithead! Shithead!

Attack! Attack! Attack!


Not me!

Get off, Shithead!


MADMAN: You son of a bitch.



You're gonna have to sign for this.

I have to sign before you shoot me?

I'm not gonna shoot you.

Why not?

That was the old me.

I was a little mixed-up at that time.

Had a bad marriage and I just gave up smoking.

I'm okay now.

I'm a private detective.

So long.

NAVIN: Thank you.

"Dear Mr. Johnson.

"Please call on me in Suite

"2655 at the Century Plaza Tower

"in Los Angeles.

"I have something of great importance to impart to you."

Navin! Remember me?

No, but don't feel bad.


STAN: Stan Fox!

Remember the gas station?

Boy, you are one hard guy to find!

You don't remember me.

The glasses handle! Look!

Oh, yeah.

My glasses handle.

Use the Opti-Grab.


Yeah, we call it Opti-Grab.


"Opti," from the eye and "Grab," from where you grab it.

Opti-Grabbing it.

STAN: Navin, my boy, we're in business.

Fifty-fifty. Just like we said.

Right in here, I have your first check for 250 big ones.


That's just the beginning. There's gonna be more. Lots more!

Can I cash this? Sure.

You can do whatever you like. It's your money. It's a cashier's check.


I can use money.

NAVIN: Yes, I have a cashier's check and I'd like to cash it.

How much is it for?

250 big ones.

250 dollarinies.

NAVIN: That's 250 doughnuts.


You wanna cash this?

Well, I could take 50 of the doughnuts and deposit the other 200 beauties.

Have a seat, Mr., uh, Johnson.

I will need two pieces of identification.

Ah, yes. I have my temporary driver's license.

And my Astronaut Application form.

I didn't pass that, though. I failed everything but the "Date of Birth."

I didn't get the job.

Everything's in order.

If you'll, uh, just endorse this, right there.

I need a pen.

Pen. Okay.

Right here. Thank you.

And, uh, fill out this, uh, deposit slip right there.

All right.

The endorsing and filling out of the deposit slip.

Two hundred and fifty... thousand...

"Dear Harry. Guess what?

"I'm rich beyond my wildest dreams.

"But I haven't forgotten our deal.

"Here's that postcard I promised you.

"I'll bet you thought you'd never get it, huh?

Your friend forever, Navin."

How do you like that?

He promised me a postcard and he sent me a postcard.

The kid has integrity.

NAVIN: Shithead, come on.


Yello. Yes.


Mrs. Kimball?

You're Marie's mom!

Read about me in the paper?

I've been trying to contact her. I don't know where she is.

I'd give anything to find out.

That sounds a little high.

How about $75?


Okay. What is it?

The May Company in Los Angeles.

NAVIN: Shithead! I know where she is!

I know where she is!

MARIE: Doesn't that feel good?


MARIE: There. Now, we are complete.

Putting on Mask-O Derm just took a few short minutes and when we peel it off, he will look 20 years younger.


Yes, exactly.

Now we'll let this dry.

In the meantime, we can go pick out an eye shadow and lip tint for him.

Now everyone just follow me this way because this is a very interesting line.

I think you'll enjoy this.

With your husband's coloring, a deep tone would bring out his lips.

And this Nature Beige will feature his eyes just wonderfully.

TILLIE: Let's try everything.



Let's go unmask Irving.

Everyone, back this way.

We are now going to peel off our Mask-O Derm.

Irving's skin will be tighter, firmer, and he'll look like a different man.

You'll be amazed.

Get ready, Irving.


Jeez! This shit really worked.


Oh, my sweetheart.


What are you doing to my husband, you Miss Blondie? Irving!

Irving, are you crazy?

NAVIN: "Dear Mom.

"The big news is, Marie and I were married.

"We couldn't wait.

"Luckily, we found someone at the Hollywood View Apartments, "who could marry us immediately.

"He was a certified priest.


"We were both glad we had a religious wedding.

"Money hasn't changed our lives that much.

"Our one little extravagance is a live-in butler and housekeeper."

Another check!


Just as I thought. Look at that.

Nearly $750,000.

Sir, it would seem with this kind of income, you could buy a larger house with proper servants' quarters.

NAVIN: "Mom, remember my dream of owning

"a big house on a hill?

"How I used to wish for a living room

"with a plaster lion in it from Mexico?

"And how I always wanted a large 24-seat dining table?

"In a dining room with original oil paintings

"by Michelangelo and Rembrandt?

"And remember how I always wanted a rotating bed

"with pink chiffon and zebra stripes?

"And remember how I used to chitchat with Dad

"about always wanting a bathtub shaped like a clam?

"And an office with orange and white stripes?

"And remember how much I wanted

"an all-red billiard room with a giant stuffed camel?

"And how I wanted a disco room with my own disco dancers?

"And a party room with fancy friends?

"And remember how much I wanted

"a big back yard with Grecian statues

"S-shaped hedges and three swimming pools?

"Well, I got that, too.

"Marie and I are getting along swell.

"But I've got a lot to learn about handling my money and banks.

"You have to be careful.

"Poor Hobart.

"His dear wife Hester took some money

"out of her savings account and had to pay a substantial penalty

"for early withdrawal.

Enclosed is this week's check. Love, Navin."

Sorry about your wife, Hobart.

Federal regulations, sir.

Oh, dear me.

Your wife has given you another gold chain.

I'd nearly forgotten.

(SIGHING) I suppose, I'm still not quite over Hester's death.

Well, these things take time.


So I'm told. Oh, here's your drink, sir.

Like the one you saw in the magazine.

You got the bamboo umbrella and everything.

See that? Be somebody.

Very good, sir. Very good.

Oh, uh, there are some charity people here to see you, sir.

No! Send them away!

There's a lot of people more deserving than me.

Ah, but these people want you to give.



My name is Father Carlos Las Vegas De Cordoba.

Father, you seem like a religious man.

How can I help you?

By giving me three minutes of your time so that you can see some film of a great ugliness that is spreading in my country.

Oh, God. I'll bet it's disgusting.


Yes, sir?

Are you over your grief enough yet to dim the lights?

(CHUCKLING) Of course, sir.

Well, one can't mourn forever.

You will not believe what you are about to see.

That human beings could have sunk so low that they can take pleasure to do this to another of God's creatures.

I hope you have a strong stomach, senor.

Roll the ugliness.




Good Lord.

I've heard about this cat juggling.


Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!


Father, could there be a God that would let this happen?

How much do you want?

MAN: If your initial investment is $500,000, and your apartments are up in March, you should have "X" amount of dollars rolling in by the end of this year.

NAVIN: Ah! "X" amount. That's very good, isn't it?

MAN #2: Not only that, you can depreciate the entire building for the full amount.

NAVIN: Depreciate? Very good. Hmm. I like that.

We found a way to get around this Fair Housing crap.

Ah! Good. Getting around the crap. That's good.

By keeping the rents high, we're going to appeal to a select class of people.

Select class. Very, very good.

We'll keep the eggplants out.

Ah, good. We don't want any vegetables.

No, no. The jungle bunnies.

Of course. They'll eat the vegetables.

Boss? Can I... can I talk to him?

We're gonna keep out the niggers.

The what?

The niggers. We'll keep 'em out.


Sir, you are talking to a nigger!







MARIE: Don't be so hard on yourself.

How could you know that was Iron Balls McGinty?

Your escargots. Salad.


Would monsieur care for another bottle of the Chateau Latour?

Ah, yes, but no more 1966. Let's splurge.

Bring us some fresh wine.

The freshest you've got.

This year's. No more of this old stuff.

Oui, monsieur.

He doesn't realize he's dealing with sophisticated people here.

Marie, now just stay calm. Stay calm.

NAVIN: Just don't look down.

Don't look down! Look up!

Just keep your eyes up and keep them that way, okay? Waiter!

There are snails on her plate.


Now get them out of here before she sees them.

Look away! Just look away! And keep your eyes that way!

You'd think at a fancy restaurant like this, at these prices, you would be able to keep the snails off the food!

There're so many snails in there, you can't even see the food!

Now take them away and bring me those melted cheese sandwich appetizers you talked me out of!

Oui, monsieur.

Do you believe this?

First, they didn't have the bamboo umbrellas for the wine and now snails on the food.

NAVIN: Two boobs! That's what he takes us for!


Hi, honey.

Hi, doll face.

Everything okay?

Remember how you told me to take unnecessary lessons?

Well, I just took a lesson.

And a very good student, too.

Adios, senora. Adios.

You took bullfighting?

No. Knife-throwing.

NAVIN: Knife-throwing is great!

I can almost do it.

Well, let me see your stuff.


This is very good for a beginner.

This is exciting. I love this!

Come on.

MARIE: Turn sideways. Okay.

And put a balloon in your mouth.

Do you have a balloon?

Uh, no.

Oh, wait. Yes.

MARIE: Okay.

Is it in your mouth?


Throw 'em good and hard so they'll stick.


One, two, three!

Four, five, six!


I missed.

Honey, you did good.

I can't do anything right.

Honey, you worry too much.

Come on. Let's flop this over and look at it another way.

Why, do you realize in the past two short months, we have acquired the sophistication it takes some people a lifetime to acquire?

Come on!

Let's toast!



WOMAN: Everybody, Navin's on TV. Marie, it's Navin!

Oh, honey, here's that interview you did on TV.

Shut off the music! Shut it off! Shut off the music!

Everyone, we're going to watch Navin on the TV.

Now, sit down. Just sit on the floor. Sit around.

CLETE ROBERTS: American Time Newsmagazine, turns its probing eye on Navin Johnson, inventor of the Opti-Grab.

That little glasses handle that sold

10 million units in a few short months.

CLETE ROBERTS: Mr. Johnson, you've become a millionaire overnight.

Who are you?

Who is Navin Johnson?

Navin is a complex personality, as are most of the small breed of modern-day Renaissance millionaires.

CLETE ROBERTS: We had planned to show you the entire Johnson interview.

However, when we returned to our studio, our news department informed us of a sensational development in the Johnson story.

It seems that an irate group of citizens led by the celebrity Mr. Carl Reiner, has filed a class-action suit against Mr. Johnson and his Opti-Grab.

Here's what Mr. Reiner had to say at a press conference.

When Opti-Grab came out, I thought it was the greatest thing ever.

And I bought a pair.

And this is the result.


CARL: This little handle is like a magnet.

Your eyes are constantly drawn to it and you end up cockeyed.

Now, as a director, I am constantly using my eyes.

And this Opti-Grab device has caused irreparable harm to my career.

Let me show you a clip from my latest film, where my faulty depth perception kept me from yelling "cut" at the proper time.

CARL: Cut!

CARL: If I had yelled "cut" on time, those actors would be alive today.

That's why I'm spearheading the $10-million class-action suit against Mr. Johnson and his irresponsible selling of a product, he didn't even test on prisoners.

Thank you.

WOMAN: The party's over. Nouveau riche.

You know what I mean?

Hey, wait a second. Where are you going?

MAN: This guy's something else.

I'm gonna get in touch with that Reiner guy.

I got some... I got some change upstairs.

We'll get some, uh, potato chips and there's some beer up there.

We'll make it a less formal thing.


MAN: Let's find another party.

Honey! Why the gloom?

It's not the end of the rainbow.

I'm Navin Johnson, inventor!

This is no big deal. It's a parking ticket to me.

Only instead of $5, it's $10,000,000.

I don't care about losing all the money.

It's losing all the stuff.

We're not gonna lose the stuff.


This is America!

We're gonna receive a fair trial from an impartial jury.


Your Honor, we, the jury, find for the plaintiff.


I award, to Mr. Reiner and the other nine million nine hundred and 87 thousand six hundred and 52 plaintiffs, the full amount of the suit.

Court is adjourned!



Honey, can't you see I'm drinking?

Pay to the order of Mrs. Wilbur Stark


Pay to the order of Iron Balls McGinty


Why are you crying?

And why are you wearing that old dress?

Because I just heard a song on the radio that reminded me of the way we were.

What was it?

The Way We Were.

(SNIFFLING) Look at us. We've hit bottom.

No! Maybe you've hit bottom, but I haven't hit bottom yet!

I've got a ways to go!

And I'm gonna bounce back!

And when I do, I'm gonna buy you a diamond so big it's gonna make you puke.

I don't wanna puke!

I don't want wealth!

I just want you like you used to be.

What happened to that man?


What happened to the girl I believed in?

The girl I fell in love with.

The girl that believed in me.

There's plenty of places I can go, where people believe in me.

Well, go!

The sooner you're out of my life, the sooner I can go back to being the girl in this little flowered dress that you sang the thermos song to.

Well, I'm gonna go, then!

And I don't need any of this! I don't need this stuff!

And I don't need you! I don't need anything!

Except this.

This ashtray. The only thing I need is this!

I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray!

And this paddle game.

The ashtray and the paddle game. And that's all I need!

And this remote control.

The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control.

And that's all I need!

And these matches.

The ashtray and these matches and the remote control and the paddle ball.

This lamp.

The ashtray,

this paddle game and the remote control, and the lamp. And that's all I need.


And that's all I need, too.

I don't need one other thing!

Not one... I need this.

The paddle game and the chair, and the remote control and the matches, for sure!

NAVIN: Wh-what are you looking at?

What do you think I am? Some kind of a jerk or something?


And this.

That's all I need.

The ashtray, the remote control and this paddle game, and this magazine and the chair.


And I don't need one other thing.

Except my dog.


I don't need my dog.

NAVIN: So, that's it.

It's an old story.

One you've probably heard before.


But I never thought it would happen to me.



TAJ: Hey! Any of you bums ever heard of Navin R. Johnson?

I've heard of him.

Born in Mississippi?


Inventor of the Opti-Grab?

I was just telling these guys.





My baby!

Navin. Elvira!

I knew we'd find you.

Taj! Don't kiss me.


I called them the night you left.

How did you find me?

I don't know.

This is the first place we looked.

We're takin' you home and you're gonna live with us.

Turns out, Dad's a financial genius.

All I did was take the money you sent home and embarked on a periodic investment, in a no-load mutual fund.

He leveraged his ass deep into soy beans and cocoa futures.

Right on!

I picked out this thermos for you.

I'd kiss you, but I'm so dirty.

Dirt doesn't bother me.

But the smell does.

Oh, Navin.


Son, you'd better get in the back with the dog until we can get you hosed down.


I love you, Navin.

I love you, too.

TAJ: Somebody open a window!

FATHER: Open all the windows.

NAVIN: I was so glad to be going home.

I remembered the days when I sang and danced with my family on the porch of the old house.

But things change, and with all the additions to the family, we had to tear down the old house, even though we loved it.

But we built us a bigger one.

FAMILY: ♪ Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Gonna jump down, turn around Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Gonna jump down, turn around Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Gonna jump down, turn around Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Jump down, turn around Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Gonna jump down, turn around Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Gonna jump down turn around Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Gonna jump down, turn around Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Gonna jump down, turn around Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Well, me and my buddy's gonna Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Go around down, turn around Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Me and my buddy's gonna Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Me and my buddy's gonna Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Get on your knees Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Get on your knees Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ All around Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ All around Pick a bale day ♪

♪ Gonna pack that hay Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Gonna pack that hay Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Gonna jump down, turn around Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Gonna jump down, turn around Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Gonna jump down, turn around Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Gonna jump down, turn around Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Gonna jump down, turn around Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Gonna jump down, turn around Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Gonna jump down, turn around Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Gonna jump down, turn around Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Me and my wife gonna Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Me and my wife gonna Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Me and my wife gonna Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Me and my wife gonna Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie ♪ CHILDREN: ♪ Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Pick a bale of cotton ♪ ALL: ♪ Whoa Lordie Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Whoa Lordie Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Me and my wife gonna Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Me and my wife gonna Pick a bale a day ♪

♪ Me and my wife gonna Pick a bale of cotton ♪

♪ Me and my wife gonna