The Jerky Boys (1995) Script

Hey, silly ass. Yo, I'm talkin' to you. Where the hell do you think you're goin', buddy ?

Come back, Shane.

Detective, do you have a statement for the press ?

Is it true the suspects are connected to Frank Rizzo ?

Get back. Out of the way. At&t and the psychic friends network are involved-- will you go for the death penalty ?

Is there any connection to the loch ness monster ?

What is the meaning of "sizzle-chest" ?

...incriminating taped telephone conversations have surfaced ?

Get out of my face !

So you think you boys are about ready to talk ?

Ooh, talk ? What are you, crazy ?

What do you want to talk about ?

Don't bother me. I got warts on my ass.

Uncle Freddy's dead ? Cut the crap !

Ow ! Ow !

Let me introduce myself.

Name's worzic, NYPD bunco division.

Now you two have caused a helluva heap of trouble around this town, and I think it's about time we had a little talk about it.

We didn't do nothin'. Yeah, it's just a big misunderstandin'.

We can explain everything. All right, you do that.

I got all the time in the world.

I guess it all started when we was kids.

Yeah, we were always playin' pranks.

Hello, Weir residence.

Yeah, is this the home of Brett Weir ?

Well, yes, it is. I'm his mother.

This is the super across the way, and I'm very angry at that little jerk.

He's always causin' me problems over here.

Uh, no. My Brett ? No. Why, he's a perfect little angel at home.

He knows what I'm talkin' about. That little shithead comes around here every day-- spittin', cussin' and stealin' my mother's drawers.

I've seen the fruity little bastard runnin' around in the street...

With 'em wrapped around his head.

My Brett is spitting, cursing and stealing ?

And he's wrapping what around his head ?

Brett ! Brett ! Come here this instant !

Get over here ! Ahh ! What'd I do ?

What did you do ? Spitting, cursing, stealing !

Is that the way I raised you ? And what have you been wrapping around your head ?

You fruity little bastard !

Get in here ! Get in here, i said. I'm gonna beat the living daylights out of you !

He wet his pants. Johnny !

All right, come on. Come on. Get over there, you two hell-raisers.

Mom ! Let go ! All right, sit down. You too.

Now, Johnny, I wanna know right now; What did you do to get that nice boy Brett Weir in trouble ?

We didn't do nothin', ma. Up.

Don't lie to me.

Now, who's your new friend ? That's kamal.

Hello, kamal. Let that be a lesson to you too.

Come on, ma. We were just goofin'.

Everything's a joke to you boys, right ? If you don't wise up, you're gonna end up a couple of bums sittin' around here with no jobs...

Still livin' with your mothers in 20 years.

So what do you wanna do today ? Ow.

What ? What are you lookin' at me for ? I don't know.

I got an idea.

Watch this.

Our lady of sorrows, front desk.

Wahh. Hey, lady, you gotta help me.

What is the problem, sir ?

Oh, I got hemorrhoids bad. My ass is killing me. I need help.

Sir, I'd appreciate it if you'd use the proper terminology.

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm really in a lot of pain, though.

Look, how do you cure this ? What do you do ? Do you jag me ? Do you poke at me ?

Do you beat these things off with a stick ?

We usually apply medication to the affected area.

Oh ! Oh, boy, that sounds nice.

Would you be doing that, honey-pants ? No, a doctor would do that.

One time I had this doctor, and he put me under, and I knew somethin' was wrong, 'cause when I woke up, i had a big red chancre on me, which tells me that somethin' was wrong.

He must've been touchin' my ass or somethin' when I was under.

Sir, would you please use the proper terminology ?

You know, when I was a boy, i would like to always play with these big pink pigs...

And lay around with them, but they would always kick me right up inside my ass.

You think that this could have gave my ass all these problems ?

Sir, I don't know. Lady, I'm in so much pain. I'm dyin' over here.

This is tearin' the ass out of me.

Johnny ! Whoa.

You promised me you were gonna look for a job today.

What are you doin' still sittin' around the house ?

There's nothin' out there. There's nothin' goin' on-- no construction, no nothin'.

Well, how come is it when i talk to the other mothers in this neighborhood, all their sons have jobs ?

I bumped into Fran Weir. She tells me Brett is doin' so good.

He bought himself a lovely place over there on ditmars boulevard.

Well, we supposed to be impressed with that ? Huh, I'd like to punch that guy.

Hey ! You ! Cut it out. Ooh ! Ah !

Brett is a very nice, hardworking boy.

I wish the two of you were more like Brett Weir.

Hey, come on. It's not like we never had jobs.

What about the Mason job we had a ways back ?

Hey, you two. Johnny and kamal. Get back to work ! We got a job to finish here !

Oh, what, are you tryin' to get me, sweetie-cakes ?

Goddamn it, Johnny, cut the bullshit, huh ? Oh, yeah ?

Why don't you come up here and show me your toolbox ? We can go up on the bridge.

And I'll throw you off head first. You'll do a fuckin' sailor dive.

And then I'll join in with you down in the water, and I'll rub all seaweed all over your ass and your neck and shit.

Ooh, we'll have a good time. That's it, you two. You're fired !

That guy fired us for no reason.

Well, maybe you should try another career choice.

We did that too. - We'd like three gorgeburgers with cheese, two orders of frizzy fries and a small lemonade.

Okay, great. Spicy-hot, lamby-nipple chops with minty-pickled sour sauce.

We just wanna order some hamburgers.

Oh, god, my mother, she woke me up today.

She threw a pan of hot grease all over my chest and my ass and genitals.

And I fell down the stairs and my shoes fell off.

What does that have to do with anything ?

Because I can't see, damn it, you son of a bitch.

Let me speak to your manager ! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Just a minute.

Boy, can you believe this guy ?

Yeah, burger Bob. Give me your fuckin' order there, tough guy.

Johnny, you gotta be able to keep a job for more than one day.

I just ain't cut out for a job where I have a boss.

Maybe you just don't care, Johnny.

At least if you had a job, you could spare your poor old mother the embarrassment...

Of a son who's a lazy bum.

Come on, ma. What are you gonna get like that ?

Huh ? What's the matter ? Come on. Don't be like that, ma.

Oh ! And stop screwin' around on that telephone.

And go look for a job.

Man, all this poundin' the pavement got me thirsty.

When you're right, you're right. Let's hit Mickey's.

Hey, what do you say there, uncle Fred ?

Stay away from me, you bastards.

Come on, pappy. What's the beef ?

If this were the old days, you would bow to my feet...

To show your respect.

Yeah. - And if you did not, a hundred men would come to kill you.

See you later, uncle Freddy.

Good thing this ain't the old days. You got that right.

Hey, whose uncle is he, anyway ? Ah, who gives a rat's ass ?

You guys got cash ? Hey, Mickey, you know we're good for it.

How long you known us now ? Long enough to know that you deadbeats owe me 688 bucks.

Eh, Mickey, you know, just hit a bit of a slump, you know ? Hmm ?

Yeah, man. Come on. No, no, no.

I can't carry you guys no more. I got troubles of my own.

I can barely keep that front door open with the paying customers.

Man, this neighborhood's really goin' to hell, you know that ?

Come on. Yeah. All right.

Hey, hey, hey ! Johnny boy. Kamal !

Yeah, Brett Weir. How you doin' ? I'm doin' perfect.

Things couldn't be better. How 'bout you guys ? Yeah, we were just leavin', man.

No, wait. Stay. Let me buy you a beer.

No, no. No, come on. Let me do this.

There they are. There you go, fellas.

Come on. Let's drink up, huh ?

That's great, Brett. Really appreciate that.

Come on. It's the least I can do for a couple of guys from the neighborhood down on their luck.

I mean, with things goin' so good for me.

I just acquired myself a brownstone up there on ditmars boulevard. It's beautiful.

We heard. - I can get into any nightclub, any night of the week.

No questions asked. It's connections, boy. Look, you gotta have connections.

So, what do you say you hook me and Johnny up ? -

Listen, fellas, i mean, uh-- look, my boy Tony don't do favors for just anybody.

He's a very busy man. - You just said you were tight with this guy.

I am tight with him. I see him all the time over at lizardi's.

That's our hangout. Then he'd know you by name there, too, right ?

Of course he'd know me by name. The two of us, we're like this.

You and him are like this ?

Ha-ha ! Man. Brett Weir hangin' out with the big shots.

Well, I don't like to talk, but, uh-- look, I'm sorry, fellas.

All right ? I can't come through on this.

Holy mackerel ! Look at the time.

Uh, listen, I got some business I gotta attend to.

Really great seein' you guys again.

It just takes me back. Mickey !

Take care of these guys, huh ?

Little fuckin' jackass.

I think we got a little call to make.

So I'm kickin' him, and I'm kickin' him, all over the floor, and he's tryin' to hold his teeth in, you know ?

Meanwhile, his girlfriend is screamin', and she's throwin' a tantrum, and she's goin'...

"I'm gonna get you, Tony scarboni."

So I looks down at the guy, and I say, "marone, I feel sorry for you.

You gotta go home to that yappin' mouth."

Hey, butch, pass me that salt.

Yeah. Is Tony there ?

Who's callin' ? Yeah, hi. We're friends of a friend of his.

You know, uh, Brett Weir ? Hold on.

Some kid. Says Brett Weir told him to call.

Who the hell's Brett Weir ?

He's that new kid, remember ? Got him workin' down on steinway street.

Tell him to go fuck himself.

Hey, kid, you there ?

Uh, yes. Go fuck yourself.

What'd he say ? Told me to go fuck myself.

I gave him Brett Weir's name and everything.

Get out of the way. You don't know how to talk to these people.

He's layin' there, and he's got blood squirtin' out of his eye sockets like a garden hose.

And he's goin' "please, Tony, please."

So I says to him, "you should've thought of that before you spilt that drink."

Yeah. Yeah, put Tony on. Is he there ?

Yeah. Who's callin' ? Look, jerky, I don't need to talk to you.

You don't need to talk to me ? Who the hell is this ? Get me Tony, I said !

Okay. Hold on. I'm eatin' my lunch. Who is it ?

I don't know. He wouldn't say. He sounds pretty pissed off.

Give me that.

Yeah, this is scarboni. Who am I talkin' to ?

Hey there, tough guy. This is Frank Rizzo. Who ?

Frank Rizzo. Open your fuckin' ears, jackass.

Who the hell's Frank Rizzo ? Frank Rizzo ?

Frank Rizzo ? Rizzo ? Frank Rizzo ?

I don't know, boss.

Am I supposed to know you, Mr. Rizzo ?

Ah, maybe it's better you don't there, beefy tits, 'cause you'd be shittin' in your fuckin' pants if you did, pal.

Oh, yeah ? - Yeah. Now look, sizzle-chest, i got a couple of guys.

They're in town from Chicago. They just did a job for me, beautiful job.

These guys are the best. I had to get 'em out of the area. Frank Rizzo.

This might be something. Run the name by our boys in Chicago. Right, chief.

Show 'em a good time. Take 'em out. Paint up the town.

Paint each other up. You know. Yeah.

Give 'em the first-class treatment, the whole nine yards.

Yeah, well, I gotta talk to my boss before I can arrange somethin' like that.

I mean, will he know you, Mr. Rizzo ? 'Cause, uh, i don't know you.

Hey, he knows who the fuck i am. He met me through Mario, back in the old days there.

And you can tell that fruity-ass bastard that if he wants to make nice with me, he'll have a car on the corner of fresh pond and Dawkins tomorrow night for my guys.

I don't think you should talk about my boss like that.

Hey, I'll talk about that little jerk any way I want to, and don't make me come down there for you, either, tough guy.

Last guy that got cute with me, I fired him down five flights of stairs, split his fuckin' head; Outta here !

Whoa. Whoa, let's not go crazy. I said I'll talk to the boss.

If he gives me the okay, we'll take care of your boys, all right ?

Ah, god bless you there, sweetie-pants. 'Preciate any help you can give me.

Say your prayers there, liver-lips.

Looks like we're goin' out on the town. All right !

Tony, you all right ?

We gotta go see the boss.

Hey, boss.

Boss. What happened ?

I thought you might wanna know. I got a call from this guy, real pushy.

Said he had a couple of guys in town from Chicago and wanted me to show 'em a good time.

What was his name ? Frank Rizzo. Said he knew you.

Frank Rizzo ? I don't know any Frank Rizzo.

He said he knew you from the old days, through Mario.

Mario ? Which Mario ? There's 400 marios. I don't know.

You know, he was insultin' you. He was callin' you all kinds of names.

He was insulting me ? Yeah.

What'd he call me ? Oh, you don't wanna know.

Hey, don't tell me what I don't wanna know.

I tell you what I don't wanna know, and I tell you when I don't wanna know it.

He called you "fruity-ass."

He called me what ? Fruity-ass.

He called me a-a-a fruity-ass ? What the hell is a fruity-ass ?

Hey, I was gonna go bust his balls, you know ?

But I thought i better check with you first.

Did he say what his guys are doin' in town ?

He said they just pulled a job for him, and he had to get 'em out of the area.

Frank Rizzo.

Frank Rizzo, Frank Rizzo.

Frank ri-- wasn't there a Frank Rizzo that pulled that birthday party massacre ?

Oh, that thing at the kid's birthday party where they knocked off the carbone family.

Yeah, that's right. They got this crazy clown to come in with this weird outfit.

He was doin' back flips and screamin' like a chicken and throwin' fire bombs around, and when the smoke cleared, the whole carbone family's plastered up against the wall.

They had to scrape 'em off with a spatula.

Never liked clowns. Hmm.

If this is that guy, these boys are not in town for nothin'.

What do you want me to do, boss ?

Feel 'em out. See what they have to say.

Tell 'em to have this guy Rizzo contact me directly.

Meanwhile I'll make some telephone calls.

I'll see if anybody knows who he is. You got it.

Hey. Be careful.

We don't know what we're up against here.

♪♪ Huh ? This is the way to go.

Hey, man, let's give it up. They ain't gonna show up. Relax. We got plenty of time.

♪♪ Oh, check it out. Ba-da-boom. Huh ? Huh ?

Ho. Out of sight. What'd I tell ya ?

Huh ? Come on. Get in there. Let's go.

♪ Well, I just want to give you some ♪

♪ well, I just want ♪

♪ want to want you just gimme some ♪

♪ uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh let's mingle ♪

♪ uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh live well ♪

♪ uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh well, come together now ♪

♪ uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh yeah, let it swell ♪ Look sharp there, barrel-ass.

♪♪ This way, sir.

There you go, mack.


Those are the big shots from Chicago ?

They look like a couple of lowlifes from queens.

So, if somebody crosses you, you just kill 'em ?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, little lady.

In my business, you know, we don't "kill." We whack.

-Hey, look who it is. -I can't wait to tell the girls i was out with a real whacker.

Jerky little prick. Gentlemen.

Allow me to introduce myself. My name's Tony scarboni.

That's great, Tony. How about gettin' us a couple of drinks at the bar up there ?

Mr. scarboni's not your waiter. He is your host.

That's all right, geno. Sonny, get a couple of drinks here, huh ?

So, you're Rizzo's boys from Chicago, right ?

Yeah, that's right. - Well, maybe you can give us small-timers a few pointers.

What do you do ? Run numbers ? Protection ? What ?

Both. We protect the numbers.

You protect the numbers ? We're silly like that. Silly.

Yeah, couple of clowns, we are.

Couple of clowns.

Couple of clowns. Yeah.

By the way, my boss would very much like to hear from Rizzo personally, so, if you can pass that along for me, I would really appreciate it.

- Diaper service ? Very clever.

Here you go, guys.

That's more like it.

Look... boys, enjoy the show.

If there's anything I can do to make you more comfortable, you just let me know.

As a matter of fact, there is.

See that little pipsqueak in the back there ?

What, the kid over there ? - Yeah, that's him, the skinny little prick.

He's gettin' on my fuckin' nerves. Geno, Sonny, take care of him.

No problem. Salute.

Hey, Weir.

Hey, hey, hey ! These are a couple of my boys.

Uh, this is, uh, geno and Sonny. Say hello.

Oh ! Are you guys whackers too ?

Yeah, honey. Hey ! Hey, wait a minute !

What are you doin' ? What're you guys doin' ? Wait a minute !

Call 'em off ! Hey ! Get your hands off me !

Hey, man. Wait a minute !



♪ I was born long ago ♪

♪ I'm the chosen I'm the one ♪ Oh ! You're breakin' my arm ! Oh ! Ow ! ♪ I have come ♪ Oh ! ♪ to save the day ♪

♪ and I won't quit until I'm done ♪

♪ and that is why we've got to try ♪

♪ we've got to believe and have some fun ♪

♪ no, I'm not payin' i play this game ♪

♪ and I won't quit until I'm done ♪

♪ but what I really want to know is ♪

♪ are you gonna go my way ♪

♪ and I've got to got to know ♪

Stay still ! Stay still, you idiot.

Come on ! Come on !

♪ I don't know why we have to try ♪ What the fuck is wrong with you ?

♪ Guess we must leave and get undone ♪

♪ we have to love and rub a dub ♪

♪ We've got to dance and fall in love ♪

♪ but what I really want to know is ♪ Hey, boss, you think those guys are goodfellas ? ♪ are you gonna go my way ♪ I don't know, geno. Not much in the style department, ♪ and I've got to ♪ But the boss tells me these guys are bloodthirsty. ♪ got to know ♪

♪ yeah ♪♪

Frank Rizzo. Frank Rizzo.

Who's Frank Rizzo ? That's the question.

That's the question.

He says he knows me, but do I know him ? That's the other question.

And how does he know Mario ?

And which Mario does he know ?

Is he comin' for revenge, and if so, for what thing i did to who ?

And where the hell does he get off callin' me fruity-ass ?

This just in from Chicago.

No known Frank Rizzo with crime affiliation.

There's one in highland park, but he's a retired auto mechanic.

Sorry, chief. Listen to me.

If we're gonna get Rizzo, we're gonna have to think like Rizzo. The name's obviously an alias.

Tell 'em to keep lookin'. Talk to every street hood in the city.

Somethin' will turn up. - I'll get on it first thing in the morning.

Why don't you get some rest ?

I'll rest when Rizzo rests.

Mornin', Ernie.

Made some calls. Nobody ever heard of this Frank Rizzo.

Sure you got the name right ? Yeah, sure, I'm sure.

He only screamed it in my ear a hundred times.

And, boss, i met up with his boys last night.

And they were talkin' like they knew quite a bit about this birthday party job.

Oh, yeah ? Yeah.

So what do they want from us ? I don't know, boss.

Yeah ? What's up there, squeaky balls ?

My boys told me to give you a call. Who's this ?

Who the fuck you think it is ? This is Frank Rizzo.

Let's get down to some business before I have to come down there and split a few heads.

Do I know you ? Sure, you know me, chief.

We go way back. We used to shoe each other up the ass in the old days.

Don't you remember, Ernie ? We were good like that.

I knew you in the old days ? What, were you with one of the families ?

Nah, I never went with that family shit, silly ass, you know what I mean ?

I was the best. I could whack out a hundred guys in a week.

I ran circles around ya. Well, I don't remember you. Did you go under some other name ?

That's right, chief. They call me "rubberneck."

What the hell does that mean ? Ah, I always had a bit of a problem with my temper.

People tell me it's a problem, 'cause it's always flarin' like a pack of hemorrhoids.

You know, sometimes it gets on my nerves. I go crazy, kickin' guys around, bustin' heads.

You know, I always wind up chokin' a few people.

I'm sick, you know what I mean, Ernie ?

- Ya fruity-ass bastard. - You oughta take it easy with the name calling, particularly since you got a couple of boys on my turf with no protection.

Whoa, whoa. Hey there, tough guy.

You know, what are you doin' ? Let's not get out of hand now. I was just callin' to say...

How much I appreciate the hospitality you showed my boys the other night.

You know, they got nothin' but good things to say about that happy-ass lackey of yours, Tony zamboni. Scarboni.

Zamboni, scarboni, pepperoni, whatever the fuck you call that little jerk.

He's an okay kid, and you can tell him i said that.

I'll be sure and do that. Now you wanna do me a favor and give me some idea...

As to what your intentions are here in New York ?

What the hell you think, sizzle-chest ? Times are tough. I need dough, like anybody else.

So you think you're just gonna waltz in here and start takin' over my turf ?

You got it there, liver-lips. I want you, baby.

You sound good. Me and you, we make a team.

You and me make a team. We make a team. I don't know who the fuck you are !

Ernie, what, are you tryin' to get cute with me, baby doll ?

Come on. What, are you tryin' to make me feel funny in the pants ? What's up ?

Don't spit up my ass and tell me it's rainin' out there, tough guy.

You know, this is gettin' out of line now. I oughta split your nuts...

From your fuckin' head to the back of your ass.

You got that ? Listen here, shit face !

You wanna come to New York and have a sit-down, that's fine. Just ask me nice.

Talk to me like a person. You start tryin' to intimidate me, I'm gonna get mad.

Ernie, relax, baby. We'll talk about this and that and the other thing...

When I get into town there, okay ?

Until then, you deal with my boys. And, uh, I'll tell you somethin'.

If anything happens to them, I'm holdin' you personally responsible.

We got somethin' goin' here or what ? I'll think about it.

I'll take it under advisement. You're a sweetheart.

See you later there, you fuckin' milky licker.

You believe this ? Nobody ever talked to me like that in my life.

Hey, you just give me the word; I'm on a plane to Chicago with a bullet for this guy.

No ! Come here.

Let me tell you somethin'.

The greatest man I ever knew in my life was don Frederico in sicily.

Capo di tutti capo.

And he said to me, "above everything, respect your enemies."

We get close to Rizzo. We get close to his boys. So what do we do ?

We bring 'em in. We have 'em meet the family.

Then we give 'em a test. We see what they're made of.

Hey, remember, I'm Mikey; You're jocko.

I'm Mikey; You're jocko. No, no, I'm Mikey; You're jocko.

Shut the fuck up with that shit already.

Wait. Hey, maybe I am jocko. Give it a break.

Would you shut up ? I don't know. What the hell.

Shut the fuck up.

Gentlemen, it's a pleasure to see you again. Thank you.

Come on. Hey !

Come on. Ow !

Get in there, dopey. Come on !

This is the muscle from Chicago ?

They look like a couple of lowlifes from queens.

That's them.

I'm Ernie Lazarro. How you doin', Ernie ?

Allow me to introduce Frank Rizzo's boys from Chicago. Sit down.


Mikey and jocko.

No, no, no. I'm jocko; He's Mikey. Shut up with this.

Well, then, Mikey and jocko, meet the family.

What are they, the fuckin' Brady bunch ?

They all can't be cousins, can they ?

We're a family because of certain financial matters in common.

For example, Mr. Mitchell over here...

Handles our financial responsibilities in connection with city hall downtown.

Mr. peck over there does this and that in regards to the law enforcement agencies.

The other guys do other things.

All in all, we have a very comfortable relationship with the city of New York.

Now since you boys are new here in town, we figured we'd make things a little bit easier for you.

What the hell's this ? Go on. Open it up.

Ba-da-boom. Look at this.

What the hell you want us to do for that ? - Nothing. It's a gift.

But since you ask, there's one thing you could do.

I mean, it should be a piece of cake for a couple of guys of your reputation in Chicago.

Tell 'em, Tony. Yeah, we're havin' a little trouble...

With a certain business owner, a stubborn old codger who won't let us buy his place out.

We're knockin' down the whole block for one of our developments next Monday.

So we need this guy to sell now. So what do you want us to do ?

We thought you might have some colorful ways to make him more agreeable, like some of the more exotic jobs you've pulled off in Chicago.

Yeah, I guess we could do that. No problem.

Well, how will you do it ? Ah, off the top of my head, you know, we take the guy out back, strap him to a fuckin' tree, get out the old tennis ball machine there, load it up with boiled potatoes, start shootin' potatoes up his fuckin' ass until he's blue.

That's the sickest thing i ever heard in my life.

I like it. Ah, two or three hours tops, done.

Good. This is the guy.

Mickey ! What, you know that guy ?

Nah, nah, he just looks like a Mickey.

We're in deep shit, man. I knew we shouldn't have pushed our luck.

What are you worried about ? What am I worried about ?

The mob wants us to put a hit out on Mickey.

Look, we tell Mickey to lay low. We get Rizzo to handle it.

Ernie. What ?

This kid here's got some information he says you might be interested in.

Yeah ? What is it ? I just thought you should know...

About the two guys that just left here.

What do you mean ? Two guys from Chicago ? They're not from Chicago.

They're from right here in queens. They're just a couple of losers from the neighborhood.

What are you talkin' about ? They're Frank Rizzo's guys from Chicago.

They don't work for Rizzo. They're just foolin' you guys.

They're always playin' pranks like that.

Ernie, we gave those guys a lot of inside information.

They can get us all sent up the river if they start squawkin'.

On top of which, they treated me with disrespect.

You better be sure about this. Oh, I'm sure, all right.

Look here. We all played ball in high school together.

Take care of this.

I'll be glad to, boss.

What do you guys want ? Hey, Mickey, we gotta talk to you.

Yeah ? - Well, the good news is, we're here to pay our bar tab.

Here's the dough we owe you.

Hey, hey ! Ah, you guys are all right.

Where'd you get the dough ? Ah, that's the bad news.

Mickey, you gotta lay low for awhile. Couple of guys out to rough you up...

'Cause you wouldn't, uh, let 'em buy out your bar.

Who's gonna rough me up ? Well...

Us. You ?

Yah !

What are you doin' ? Ahh ! Oh ! Unh !

That'll teach you bastards to try to rough me up.

What the hell you hit us for ?

Guess I still got it, huh ?

Mickey, it wasn't like we were really gonna rough ya up.

What ? Come here, come here.

Why the hell didn't you guys say somethin' like that earlier ? We was tryin' to warn you.

Warn me ? - Yeah, Mickey, you just gotta lay low for awhile.

Just 'til we straighten things out. You're gonna get to keep the place.

Ah, gee, that's swell, fellas. you understand.

There's some things in this world worth fightin' for, and Mickey crumps is one of 'em !

Why ?

Hey, Mickey, I had my first beer in here.

I ain't gonna let 'em tear the joint down.

We gotta get goin', Mickey.

Yeah, see ya later, Mickey. Yeah, see ya later, fellas.

Hey, thanks again, huh ?

Great guy, that Mickey. Like a father.

You know, I think it's time to get frank Rizzo to give Ernie Lazarro another call.

Yeah, I understand he's very upset.

Shit. Oh, man.

Hey, numbnuts.

What the hell you doin' here ? Came to take you for a little joyride.

What the hell is this, some kind of fuckin' joke ?

Yeah, this is a big joke, tough guy. Get in the Van, now. Move ! Come on !

You know, the boss ain't gonna be too happy about this shit. Ah, shut your mouth.

We're wise to you. Yeah, we know the whole story.

One of your buddies from the neighborhood ratted you out. Yeah.

Let me guess. Pale sort of guy ? Kind of looks like a ferret ?

That's him.

What, all this blood and guts supposed to scare us ?

What, your big boss Tony supposed to come around and give us a talking to ?

Actually, he likes to run the grinder himself.

Wh-where you gonna get rid of 200 pounds of human hot dogs ?

Excuse me ? All right, 500.

You ever had a heavenly Frank ?

Who the hell hasn't ? They're on every friggin' street corner.

Oh, that's disgusting.

Man, I always thought the sign on the cart said they were kosher. Kosher ?

Take a look at the wall of fame.

Holy geez. Johnny ?

Yeah. Remind me never to listen to you.

Hey, Sonny, you stay here.

I'm gonna go downstairs and wait for Tony.

How come you always get to tell Tony what we just did ?

What are you talkin' about ?

I mean, it's like every time we do somethin' together, you tell Tony about it.

I mean, like you're doin' it all by yourself.

It makes me look like I don't do nothin'.

- Go fuck yourself. - You go fuck yourself. I'm goin' down there !

I'm goin' down there ! Guys, guys !

Whoa. You know, both you guys got us up here, tied us up into these chairs.

Both you guys should take the credit for that. You should be very proud.

Why don't both of ya's go down and tell Tony ?

You know somethin' ? He's right.

Yeah. I mean, look at us, fightin' like a couple of kids. Over what ?

Sure you guys gonna be all right ? beautiful.

Fine. Yeah, actually, my back feels better like this.

After you. Thank you.

Don't worry. We'll lock up.

Hey, how do we get out of this jam ?

Let me swing this chair around. Hold on.

Come on. My elbow. Stop your cryin'.

Hold still.

I can't fuckin' believe you. What is that guy, anyway, huh ?

He's a sicilian, that guy. He's a sicilian. No shit.

Come on.

Oh, man, this guy was double-jointed.

It was a fuckin' pain in the ass gettin' his arm off.

We gotta create some kind of diversion.

Oh. Come on.

Hello ?

Hello. This is pico. Who ?

Pico. I'm on the fourth floor.

My boss tell me you gotta move the Van. He's angry.

He's going to beat my balls like a pinata.

You gotta move the Van. He's gonna tow it away, damn it.

You ain't havin' nothin' towed away, fella.

Hey, you. This is kissel. Move your Van...

Before I come downstairs and kick your two heinies.

Ah, shut your mouth, you old fuck.

Who you callin' old, meat lips ? I'll show you somethin'.

Asshole. Bastards.

Can you believe that guy ?

Bombs away !

What the fuck ? Shit ! That old geezer.

Come on !

Shit ! How the hell we gonna get down from here ?

I got it !

Here's the ticket.

You think these fuckin' cocks will hold us ? They better.

I'm gonna kill that old prick.

Let's go !

Oh, shit, man. I think we're in trouble, Sonny.

We gotta get off the street.

♪♪ come on.

There must be some band playin'. What ?

Let's get in this place.

I don't think so, darling. Try a slumber party.

We gotta figure a way to get in here.

Holy shit.

What happened ? Tell him.

I'm not gonna tell him. You tell him. You wanted to tell him.

So tell him. Shut up and get in the car !

Hurry up, you skinny fuck.

Those boys are gettin' us in.

Hey, you need a hand ?

Nice try, jerk-off. Get in line like everybody else.

Oh, really ?

- Hey, what the fuck ? That's all.

Open the fuckin' door, huh ? Bastards.

Comin' through.

Comin' through. Hey, Violet, open up there, sugar-pants.

Yeah, this thing's heavy.

Atta boy. Move it, fat ass.

I'll kick their ass in a pair of seconds.

Move aside there. Watch it, chick.

Come on, come on. Watch out there, cock breath.

Move out of the way there, Blackjack. Watch it there, scuba neck.

Dickey, we have some gate crashers here. Hey, you.

He decides who gets in this place.

That's right, gentlemen. We have something called standards.

I don't think you ought to insult my boss.

Up. Oh, shit. Okay.

Slide it. Move it around. All right. Come on. Up here.

Let's go.

Excuse me. Who are you guys ? Where's Bob and b.J. ?

I guess they probably found a better gig. They split.

What do you mean they got a better gig ? They're like family.

They're in a jet now over Japan. We heard they got a gig with the monkees.

The fucking monkees ? You're kidding me !

Hey, it's a tough business.

Don't worry 'bout nothin'. Me and jocko here, we been wirin' up shit for years.

We'll wire up a toilet seat that'll suck the pants off you. We're the best.

You better be the best, 'cause tonight's a big show, and my boys better look good, okay ?

Fucking monkees ?

Hey ! Who does that guy think he is ?

What's with this ? Put it up your ass. Come on already.

All right, this shit looks good. Guess that looks all right.

Put that up there. Come on.

Rock and roll with helmet !

Hope this shit works.

♪♪ Get the fuck out of my way.

♪ Take me through the centuries ♪

♪ through supersonic years ♪

♪ let me play with memories ♪ i hate this shit.

♪ Drowning in the spheres ♪

♪ what I have to give you is a love that never dies ♪

- ♪ a symptom of the universe is written in your eyes ♪ - I don't believe this shit.

Motherfucker. - ♪ hey, hey ♪ Oh, shit. There they are. Get-- get 'em !

Let's go. Come on.

Get the fuck out of my way.

Jesus, come on, come on. Get in there !

Hey ! Sorry.

Ooh, all right ! Hold still, you silly.

Lift those legs. Ohh. Open that toolbox wide. I'm gonna put some baloney in it.

Oh-ooh, I'm so happy. Stay still. Oh, you silly little freak.

You look in there. I'm not gonna look in there. You look in there.

I looked in the last one. Why I always gotta do the dirty work ?

Don't start with me, Sonny. - Renaldo ? Renaldo, is that you ?

Renaldo, get in here. We'll get a little group thing going.

- - I got the dogs in here. They're all shaved nice.

I just rubbed 'em down with ointments, And we're ready to rock and roll. Don't you remember the last time ? We really rocked the house. We were crazy.

- Oh ! Renaldo ? Renaldo.

I won't tell Tony if you don't. what's wrong with you ?

What, are you gonna wait 'til my balls dry up and fall off, let's go.

For Christ's sake ?

You just wait here. Put more sauce on it, sailor boy.

Hey, I think they left.

Ah ! You're on my knee ! Let's go.

♪♪ What ? Don't tell me you missed those guys. I don't know, boss.

We couldn't find 'em anywhere. Right, Sonny ? Yeah, couldn't find 'em.

♪ Hey, yeah ♪

♪ yeah ♪

You fucking assholes !

Move out of the way ! Move out of the way ! Let's go !

Let us out of here, huh ? Hey, shut your ass.

Hey, buddy, we gotta go to queens.

What the fuck did he say ? Come on, guy. We're in a rush. This is an emergency.

Let's take the fuckin' thing. Come on.

Hey. Let's go !

- Come on. Move it.

- Come on !

- Drive !

Hey, you ! Hey !

Police ! Police ! Police !

Huh ? Huh ?

I don't know what you're laughin' about. We're lost.

I don't even know how to get back into queens.

My car. Look what they did to my car.

Why you goin' this way ?

You got a better idea ?

Get on the damn radio.

Ali tarbash ?

Uh, cab #1557...

Want to speak to dispatch, please.

Yeah, what do ya want ?

Uh, I'm at seventh and Houston street.

How do I get back into queens ?

What ? You been with me ten years ! You idiot !

You don't know how to get to queens ? Listen, a big, burly guy got into my cab.

He asked me to change a bill. I did it. He took a brick, hit me over the head.

My teeth hurt. I cannot remember--

Come on.

I-- help. Some guy hit you with a brick ?

Why didn't you say somethin' ? Let me get the cops over there.

The cops ! Uh-uh-uh, no, no, no, no cops. Thank you.

Ah ! No, no cops. Please, no. Help me. No.

Ah !

How did you get us back here ?

I don't know. I don't even know what I'm doin'.

Yo, taxi ! Aw, shit !

Put this fuckin' thing on, speed boy.

Ah ! Get in !

Move !

Just go down the street nice and slow. I'm lookin' for a couple of guys on foot.

Oh, yes, sir.

Smells nice in here. Oh, thank you. You too.

If I find those guys, I'm gonna rip their guts so far out of their ass...

They're gonna have to get a passport to take a shit.

- Yo, 1557. Come in.

Hey, driver. Isn't that you ?

Oh ! Oh, y-yes, thank you.

Uh, cab #1557 coming in.

What the hell is goin' on out there ?

I just got a call sayin' that your cab was stolen down by Houston street.

Uh, don't believe the hype. Thank you. I'm heading uptown.

What are you doin' goin' uptown ?

I thought you got hit in the head with a brick and you were headin' out to queens.

My wife and kids are just fine. Thank you.

All right, wise guy, why don't you take off that funny hat and let me get a good look at you ?

What ? Oh, no, no, no. Dandruff problem. Flake will fly everywhere.

I said take off the hat !

Hey ! What are you, crazy ?

Slow down ! Okay.

Son of a bitch ! Open the door !

What are you doin' out there ?

They're gettin' away ! Come on. We'll lose 'em in here. All right.

Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, this is a difficult job.

I get all the tough jobs because of my size.

They give all the little guys the tough jobs.

I am the illegitimate son of yul brynner.

My god, man, where have you been ? Danny's been covering for you for half an hour.

There must be some mistake. What mistake ? I told your agent 10:00.

These people have paid very good money to see your show. Now come on !

What are you talkin' about ? I don't know nothin' about magic.

Hmm ? How would you like to be a lifeguard in a car wash ?

Or a baby carriage salesman in the Virgin Islands ? These are tough jobs.

I get all the tough jobs. I had a job once. I worked in an olive factory.

Would you like a table, sir ? Yes.

Smoking or non-smoking ? Whatever's good for you, honey baby.

But in order to be a mailman, you gotta take--

Danny Dennis, ladies and gentlemen. Isn't he wonderful ?

Thank you so much, Danny. Wonderful.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, without further delay, allow me to introduce...

The master of prestidigitation, tarbash the Egyptian magician !

Ah, ah ! Ooh ! Ah, ah !

Ladies and gentlemen, tarbash is considered the greatest magician from Egypt.

Oh, shit. Oh, no, no. Those are just all rumors.

Perhaps you'd like to begin with your internationally acclaimed magical jewelry trick.

Huh ?

All we need is a volunteer from the audience.

Oh, please, let it be me.

May we borrow a piece of your jewelry ? This is so exciting.

You can use my necklace.

It is one-of-a-kind. A gift from the British royal family.

Ahem. No, don't put it in that thing. It might spoil or rot.

Perhaps maybe somebody has a nice swatch on them.

Ladies and gentlemen, the necklace is in the bag.

Tarbash will now slice the bag, but the necklace will remain intact.

- Isn't that right, tarbash ? Oh, no, no, I can't do this.

Tarbash ! Tarbash ! Tarbash ! Tarbash !

Tarbash ! Tarbash ! Oh, okay. Okay, okay. Silence !

Must concentrate. Stand back.

Ah ! Ah ! Ah ! Ah ! Ah ! Ah ! Ah ! Ah !

Ah ! Ah ! Ah ! Ah ! Ah ! Ah !

Jesus, I hope you know what you're doing.

Of course I know what I'm doing.

Oh, but for the magic to properly work, uh, you must close your eyes and count to ten.

- Ready ? One, two, three, four, five, you, too, cutie.

Six, seven, eight, what are you doin' ? Oh, you too. Eight, nine, ten.

Look ! He's gettin' away. Where did he go with my necklace ?

Moving right along, may I present...

Sparky the clown !

It's an ambush ! Hit the dirt !

Oh ! You don't worry about them. I loved your show. It reminded me of our homeland.

Thank you, but I'm in great danger. Please-- oh, no !

Are you in trouble ? Here, come with me.

I've got an apartment just upstairs.

No, no, please, please. I don't know you.

All right, everybody, put your hands behind your heads and nobody gets hurt.

We're gonna search this place from top to bottom.

Bring that clown over here.

Ha ! Now let me see you do a back flip, huh, sparky ?

What are you doing ? This...

Is so exciting.

No, no, I'm not an exciting guy. Let me out of here.

I don't even excite myself. I got a bigger pair of tits than you. My ass is fat.

No, no, please. I got heart condition. Here, sit down.

Wait a minute.



Next. Hey, you.

Oh, I've seen enough of you.

Hey, pops, you see any suspicious characters ?

Yes, I did, one time at a ball game, but they beat me unmercifully.

I was layin' in a puddle of my own blood and piss.

They beat the hairpiece and shoes right off of me. Today.

Did ya see any today ? Uh-- oh, I'm a very insecure person.

Everyone's suspicious to me.

I can't see, damn it. Then go home. Go home, pops.

- How 'bout you ? - Wait. That guy is walkin' out with my coat.

That guy ?

Miss, please !

You're too aggressive. Uh, tarbash not functioning properly.

Ohh. I think there is something we can do about that.

Where the hell is he ?

- Damn it, Sonny, where is he ? How the hell should I know ?

♪♪ Look at this fuckin' guy.

- Oh ! Oh, tarbash ! - Kamal, it's me.

Come on, you hard-up bastard. We gotta go. These guys are right behind us.

Sorry. I must be fleeing. Tarbash !

You can't just go ! Uh, sorry. Gotta go.

Come on, come on, come on. This way, this way.

Come on ! Slow down !

I let two idiots make a fool out of me.

Maybe I'm not the man I was.

Maybe I'm slippin'.

Maybe I'm becomin' impotent.

No, sweetheart.

They will have to pay for what they've done.

Hey, Johnny. Listen, man, I think we better get out of town...

'Til this whole thing blows over.

We can't do that. If we do that, they'll tear Mickey's down.

What are we gonna do ? Our only protection is Frank Rizzo, and Brett Weir, the rat, already took care of that one for us.

Well, this is it. This is it ?

That's what I got. These guys are more clever than I thought.

Let's go.

I got an idea.

Hand me down the recorder.

What are you doing ? We'll get some tape on those assholes.

Great ! Another one of your harebrained schemes ! Stop cryin' like an old broad.

I smell trouble.

Oh, shit.

Shh, shh. Hello. Who's there ?

Police. Open up. The police ? Oh, god, I'm sorry.

I can't open the door right now 'cause I'm naked. I'm very embarrassed with this...

Because I'm a little fat in the ass.

My wife says I have a cute ass, but I'm ashamed about it. Maybe you come back a little later.

I'm sorry, sir, but we have reason to believe...

There are two dangerous criminals holed up in this apartment.

No, no, there's nobody in here but me naked.

With all my shoes and glasses. What ?

We've obviously got some bum information.

Sorry, chief. That's all right.

Don't let 'em fool ya, copper. They're in there.

Is that right ? Thanks, old man. I got it, chief.

Oh, shit ! Ow ! Ow !

Jiminy cricket ! Out of the way.

There's where you guys came in.

So you see, that's how it all happened. We got nothin' to do with the mob.

We don't even know where Chicago is. Yeah.

We're really just a couple of lowlifes from queens.

Cut the bullshit, ladies !

You expect me to believe that frank Rizzo is some kind of hoax ?

Fat chance. He may have had a picnic out there in the windy city, but here in New York, things are gonna be different.

Do I make myself clear ?

You're not listenin', sarge. That's what I been tryin' to tell you. I'm Frank Rizzo.

Yeah, man. But we got some scoop on Ernie Lazarro if you want.

I'm not interested in Ernie Lazarro. He's small potatoes compared to Rizzo.

He's got the whole city on the take.

You got any proof of this ? No.

I didn't think so. Now stop trying to change the subject.

I want Frank Rizzo !

Johnny, do the voice, man. It's the only way.

Hey, tough guy, how 'bout I punch your fuckin' balls off ?


Tell me this.

If Mr. Rizzo is all just a gag you play, how come our boys in Chicago were able to put this together ?

Holy geez.

Wait a minute. That's impossible.

Yeah ?

I got more.

"Psychological profile, Frank Rizzo" ?

What ? Where do you guys get this crap ?

Hey ! I know more about Rizzo than Rizzo's mother does.

So don't serve me up another steaming nugget of shit...

About Frank Rizzo bein' a figment of my imagination.

I don't know what the hell else i can tell you guys.

I tried to give you boys a chance.

Now you wanna play rough ! All right, boys, take 'em down to lockup.

What the hell you got on us ? Plenty !

We know all about your little crime spree last night.

What do you got on that, connley ?

Assault, inciting a riot, Grand Theft Auto, robbery, illegal right turn, and if that's not enough, that little snake charmer of yours was under age.

Hey, man, i didn't do nothin'.

Get 'em out of my face. - Let's go. Get up. Happy face.

Big money ! Big money ! Big money !

Big money ! Spin for that big money !

Big money !

Shut up ! Get the phone.

If that's him, don't try nothin' stupid, lady. Capisci ?

Just find out where he is. Hello ?

Hey, ma. Johnny ! Where've you been ?

Uh, well, I got a little problem here.

What kind of problems, Johnny ?

Ah, I'm down at the police station.

You're in jail. I knew you were up to no good. What did you do ?

Ma, nah, it's nothin' like that. It's a case of mistaken identity or somethin'.

These guys, they think me and kamal are mixed up with the mob.

Ha ! Can you believe that ?

Ohh, Johnny.

Maybe if you had been able to keep a real job, this wouldn't have happened.

Ma, what are you sellin' me down the river for ?

I just need a little time to straighten things out. You gonna bail us out of here or what ?

I'll have to think about it.

What'd she say ?

You know ma. She ain't too happy about it.

What are you doing ? I'm gonna settle the score for us.

Quigley lawn ornament and demolition services.

You want a lawn ornament, you want something demolished, or both ?

Let me speak to demolition. Demolition ? Just a minute.

Demolition. You want something blown up, bashed apart or ripped to hell with a claw ?

Yeah ! When are you people gonna come smash up my house ?

I called you a couple of days ago.

Sorry, I don't remember the call. Yeah, the name is Weir.

Brett Weir. I got a little place over there on ditmars boulevard.

I want you guys to break down the goddamn thing for me.

Yes, sir, you came to the right place !

All right, all right.

Looks like you two guys are out of here.

Your cousins just posted your bond.

Cousins ? Cousins ? Yeah, let's go.

Don't let those kids get to ya, buddy.

If you hit 'em in the back of the leg, they always fall down. Yeah ?

Hey, it wasn't bad in there. Hey, the food was good.

Eat it all the time. Yeah, man. It was good.

Ma, what are you doin' here ?

What am I doin' here ? I'll tell you what I'm doin' here.

According to your friends, I'm gettin' ready to take a little swim in the east river.

- Thanks to you, my son. Enough with the small talk, huh ? Weir.

Go tell the boss his honored guests are here.

You guys, sit down. Relax.

Sorry, ma. You're sorry !

Well, well, well. What do we got here ? Fruity-ass, huh ?

Who's a fruity-ass now ?

You guys got any last words you like to impart before you get thrown into the drink ?

I don't know what you're talkin' about, Ernie.

But I do know when Mr. Rizzo finds out...

About his two top guys and their mother at the bottom of a river, he ain't gonna be too happy.

I'd rather be at the bottom of the east river than be on Frank Rizzo's shit list !

Hey, forget about Frank Rizzo. Mr. Weir here told me all about that.

That is nothing but a trick he does with his voice.

Brett's a cute kid there, but I think he's just a little too eager...

To tell you guys what the hell you're lookin' to hear.

He used to work for Frank Rizzo until he got caught skimming.

That's a lie ! - Keep playin' that game, Brett, but he's gonna be here soon.

If I know Mr. Rizzo, when he gets here, he's gonna straighten shit out.

Again with Frank Rizzo ? You got a lot of balls for a guy...

Who's gonna be swallowin' fish in two minutes.

Yeah, it seems like this Rizzo guy is never around when you guys need him the most.

I wonder why that is.

What, do you want us to give him a call ?

Yeah, let's give him a call.

You cover the call to Chicago. Let's go.

This is crazy ! This has got to be some kind of a trick.

I hope it is for your sake.

Keep an eye on the old lady. We'll be right back. Come on. Let's go, let's go.

Hey, chooch, you too.

Let's go !

Get in here. Sit down.


No answer. Now where is he ? Takin' a bath ?

Hey, what's up there, fruitcake ? This better be important.

You're botherin' me while I'm tryin' to have my little toenails done here.

Rizzo ? It's Ernie Lazarro in New York. Who's in charge over there ?

This is aggravatin' me now. What, I can't count on you people ?

No, we had a little problem here, but I think we just straightened it out.

Yeah, that's right, sizzle-chest. It's always the same thing with you guys.

We're off to a bad start here. Well, that's true, but there's no reason to fly off the handle.

Hey, this is America, baby. Survival of the fittest.

Right, well, it's been good talkin' to ya. I'll let you get back to whatever you were doin'.

I'll tell you somethin', you bastard ! You piss me off and I'll come down there...

And choke the balls off you, you son of a bitch !

What are you insultin' me for ? I treat you with respect; I expect the same thing back.

What ? This is a fuckin' joke ? Huh ?

Why don't you tell me a little bit of information about yourself ?

What kind of fruity-ass little operation you run out there, anyway ?

Fuck you, fruity-ass ! That's what kind of operation I run !

I'm citywide, including protection and the numbers, and you keep your ass out of it.

You got that ? Okay, silly ass, that's very nice.

I'm very proud of you, you fuckin' jerky bastard !

Hey ! Let me tell you somethin' about this little jerky bastard.

I got half the city officers on the payroll, including cops in 14 precincts.

You screw around with me, you got them on your ass.

You screw around with them, you got me on your ass.

Hey, I know what it's like. They call me "rubberneck."

Is that supposed to be a threat ? 'Cause I got two of your guys here.

- They could be dead in two minutes. Holy shit !

Hey, don't make me come down there for you, tough guy. I'll rap your fuckin' head in !

I'll beat you up and down that street ! I'll stuff my shoes up your ass !

I'll feed your nuts to my dog. I'm silly like that, silly !

See, I told ya. He's crazy with that temper of his. He's nuts.

But I'm sure, you know, as long as the two of us are all right, things are gonna be okay.

We got some bad information.

Wait a second. You're not gonna fall for a stupid trick like this !

These guys have been pullin' phony scams like this ever since we were kids.

Uh, you know what I mean, Ernie.

Can i-- can I call you Ernie ?

No, don't hurt me ! Please, don't hurt me ! Hey !

No, listen ! I'm not lying ! I'm not lying !

Get your hands off my boss ! No ! You're not fruity !

Damn, he wet his pants.

Ernie, look, we're willing to let bygones be bygones just so we get off on the right foot.

I got my mother downstairs. She's tired. I really gotta get her home.

Oh, man, look at the time.

Hey, what are you-- what the hell you doin' ?

Yeah, what's up there, fruitcake ?

This better be important. You're botherin' me... Shit ! Let's go !

While I'm tryin' to get my little toenails done here. See, I told you it was a scam.

Ma, let's get the hell outta here ! Johnny !

Lady, you ain't goin' nowhere ! That's what you think !

Come here, lady ! Let go of me, you big galoot !

Ugly shit face ! Get outta here ! Will ya-- let's go !

Help me ! These things weigh a ton ! Stop draggin' your fuckin' feet !

What happened ? You stupid morons !

Move it, I said ! Hurry up !

Holy cow ! Come on !

Let's go ! In the Van !

Where ya takin' me ? God, I can't ! Get her in !

Damn it, will ya help me ? Ow !

Hurry up, hurry up ! Get her in !

Lift my leg, you son of a bitch ! Come on, come on !

I'm comin', I'm comin' ! Get your let's go ! Head down !

Don't touch the hair !

I can't believe you'd put your own mother in this kind of danger !

You wanted me to get the job !

All right, let's get a move on. Come on !

Bring her out here. Let's go ! Oh, my god !

Johnny, I can't believe i gotta sneak in the back of my own house !

Come on, ma. I hope nobody's lookin' out the windows.

Ah, stop whinin'.

Let me tell you somethin' about this little jerky bastard.

I got half the city officers on the payroll, including cops in 14 precincts.

Got those goons by the balls now.

Get worzic's mug on the line. Tell him to get his ass over here right away.

Hey, chief, line one for you. Sounds urgent.

Worzic. Ah, detective worzic.

I just consulted your astrological charts, and I got big break for you on mob case.

What ? Who is this ?

Ooh ! Stop fuckin' around, asshole ! This is serious shit.

Yeah, detective worzic, we're the Frank Rizzo guys.

You're telling me you got a tape of Ernie Lazarro singing about his entire operation ?

No, stay put. We'll take it from here. Get th-- le-- move !

Where are we going ? Oh, just follow me !

Boy ! I mean, Jesus !

I'm dead on my feet.

Oh !

It's been a long day, right ?

I'm definite gonna need the Ben-gay after this !

Hey, ma.

Come on, ma. Ooh, ma ! You gotta try to work on this at a neighbor's house.

You know, things are gonna get ugly around here. - All right, Johnny. All right.

But the next time you decide to have a big showdown in my house, you better tell me first.

I'm gonna be over at Meg Parker's.

You better clean this place up before I come back. Okay.

I can't believe what you put me through. My own son.

Whoa ! Ooh ! Watch your step there, ma.

Hey, Johnny ! -

Hey, it looks like worzic made it.

Just in time too.

Man, the shit's really gonna hit the fan around here.

Yeah, bullets are gonna be flyin' all over the joint.

Get down, get down !

Oh, man, he's gonna cap 'im !

I appreciate your help on this, Bobby. Any time, Ernie.

What the hell is this ? Kissin' each other's asses out there !

You'd think they'd all went to summer camp together.

No wonder this worzic guy wouldn't believe us. He's on the take.

Hey, well, wait a minute. If the cops don't care about whether they nab the mob, and the mob don't care about bein' nabbed by the police, what the hell they rush over here so quick for ?

There's some wacky shit goin' on here, man.

All right, let's go. Let's go, boys.

Holy shit, let's go !

Oh !

My god. What is it, Ernie ?

don Frederico. Capo di tutti capo.

It's you.

Ow ! Fuck, shit !

Shit ! Oh, man. Come on ! Let's go !

Come on !

Damn it, Sonny, you let 'em get away. Me ?

Hey, boss, they must've slipped out the back.

What're we gonna do now ?

We gotta get this tape to some badge that ain't gonna double cross us.

You take 79th street. We'll take queens boulevard. I'm drivin'.

That's 79th street. Wait a minute. That's 79th street; That's queens boulevard !

Hold on ! Slow down !

Stay out there and let him go. I'm going to queens boulevard.

But don't have him swing back that way !

Oh, man, they're on to us !

Ah, shit ! He's right on my ass !

Son of a bitch ! We got a train to catch, man ! Move it !

Look out ! Aah !

Ooh ! Ooh !

Shit ! Come on. Let's go !

Gotta get 'em before they get on the train !

Hey, nice parking job, bucko ! Up yours, fuck face !

Hey ! Get outta the way !

Keep movin', lard ass ! Outta the way !

Hey, you moron ! Get the hell outta my way ! Hey ! Take it easy, lady !

Never go to queens... If you can help it.

Come on !

Fuck you, jerky !

What are we gonna do now, Johnny ?

Give me every news office you can find, and we call every fucker in the book.

Yeah, is this the times ? Who's in charge over there ?

I got a story that's gonna blow the lid off the syndicate in this town.

That's right, liver-lips. We got the whole thing on tape.

We got it all ! We got corruption; We got payoffs. We even got bad hot dogs.

The queens bunco division's in bed with the mob.

We got city council payoffs, racketeering, the whole nine yards. ...Story of the century.

Rizzo. R-i-z-z-o. Okay. Rizzo.

Frank Rizzo. Open your fuckin' ears, jackass !

This is a world news special report.

A concerned citizen, known only as Frank Rizzo, sent shock waves through the city of New York today...

When he released a telephone recording linking the Lazarro crime family...

To a massive payoff scam...

Involving NYPD's organized crime division with connections in city hall.

Crime boss Ernie Lazarro and his right-hand man, Tony zamboni, or I should say, scarboni, were taken into custody along with a number of their key associates.

Detective Robert worzic was arrested on charges of profiteering.

Local queens man Brett Weir was released after making a deal with prosecutors.

Sparky the clown was turned over to Chicago police...

For questioning in connection with a series of brutal unsolved homicides.

In a related development, the heavenly Franks chain of street vendors was shut down, pending an investigation into the use of substandard meat products...

In the popular hot dogs.

Mystery man Frank Rizzo has refused to appear in public, but in a terse statement, he credited two men--

Johnny b and kamal, both of queens, New York-- for their help in the sting, saying, and I'm quoting now, "they did a job for me. Beautiful job.

These boys are the best. You got me, jerky ?"

Hey, not bad for a couple lowlifes from queens. Look at us now, huh ?

Cushy jobs with the city. What the hell we s'pose to do in here, anyway ?

What the heck you lookin' at me for ?

White house. May I help you ?

What do ya say there, toots ? Who the fuck is in charge over there ?

Just one moment, please. howdy, this is Bubba. What can I do for ya ?

Eh, what's up there, sweet tits ?

You got some real fuckin' problems with those congress bastards now, huh ?

Al, come on. Quit playin' on the phone.

Ah, don't you worry about that shit. I'll get you a fuckin' job sellin' cars.

All right, there, porky ? See ya a little later there, nitz.

♪ I'm in the phone booth it's the one across the hall ♪

♪ if you don't answer I'll just ring it off the wall ♪

♪ I know he's there but I just had to call ♪

♪ don't leave me hanging on the telephone ♪

♪ don't leave me hanging on the telephone ♪

♪ I heard your mother now she's going out the door ♪

♪ did she go to work or just go to the store ♪

♪ all those things she said I told you to ignore ♪

♪ oh, why can't we talk again ♪

♪ oh, why can't we talk again ♪

♪ oh, why can't we talk again ♪

♪ don't leave me hanging on the telephone ♪

♪ don't leave me hanging on the telephone ♪

♪ it's good to hear your voice you know it's been so long ♪

♪ if I don't get your call then everything goes wrong ♪

♪ wanna tell you something you've known all along ♪

♪ don't leave me hanging on the telephone ♪


♪ I have to interrupt and stop this conversation ♪

♪ your voice across the line gives me a strange sensation ♪

♪ I'd rather talk where I could show you my affection ♪

♪ oh, I can't control myself ♪

♪ oh, I can't control myself ♪

♪ oh, I can't control myself ♪

♪ don't leave me hanging on the telephone ♪

♪ hang up and run to me ♪

♪ oh, yeah ♪ ♪ hang up and run to me ♪

♪ oh ♪ ♪ hang up and run to me ♪

♪ oh ♪ ♪ hang up and run to me ♪

♪ oh, whoa-whoa-whoa ♪ ♪ hang up and run to me ♪

♪ check it out ♪♪

What, what, what ? What is it ? You Brett Weir ?

Yeah, I'm Brett Weir. What of it ?

Hey, this is the place, Chuck ! Hey, buddy, what's the deal here ? What are ya-- hey, pa--

♪ listen to the ballad of 43 number 1 ♪

♪ come and grab the microphone like a jacket does a gun ♪ that's a claw !

♪♪ Oh-oh-oh-ohh !

Ohh ! Oh, my awning !

Buddy, stop it ! Hey, you-- hey, you got the wrong house !

Move out ! Back out of there ! What are you, crazy ?

Ooh, my weather vane !

Oh, my aluminum siding ! I just paid for that !

The jerky boys ! The jerky boys called you ! Wait a minute ! Ooh, ooh !

That jerky little prick !


♪ You got me sick as a dog you got me sick as a dog ♪

♪ you got me sick as a dog I can't have that ♪

♪ you got me sick as a dog you got me sick as a dog ♪

♪ you got me sick as a dog all right ♪

Can I help you ?

Yeah, is this the restaurant ? Yes, it is.

I was there a little while ago with my wife, and we ate some of them fava beans.

They got me fuckin' sick there, Charlie. Where were you sitting ?

I was sittin' out there by the front gate, and I'm sick like a fuckin' idiot over here. What did you order ?

Fava beans with all that silly little juice on there, ya fuckin' wacky-ass !

Look, you jerky little ass, I oughta slit your nuts off the side of your face !

You got them beans stinkin' up the house now.

I'm sick like a fuckin' animal over here, comin' out my ass backwards.

♪ You got me sick as a dog you got me sick as a dog ♪

♪ you got me sick as a dog I can't have that ♪

♪ you got me sick as a dog you got me sick as a dog ♪

♪ you got me sick as a dog all right ♪

Doctor's office. Hello ?

Yes ? I have warts all over my ass and genitalia.

Can we have these taken out ? They're in there pretty deep.

You'll have to make an appointment. Could you please tell me how he does it ?

Will he use his shoe ? My name is Saul Rosenberg.

I got warts all over and in my ass. Oh, oh, oh, my god !

Can we have him call you ? Make him call me right away, please.

♪ You got me sick as a dog you got me sick as a dog ♪

♪ you got me sick as a dog I can't have that ♪

♪ you got me sick as a dog you got me sick as a dog ♪

♪ you got me sick as a dog all right, all right ♪

♪ you got me sick as a dog you got me sick as a dog ♪

♪ you got me sick as a dog I can't have that ♪

♪ you got me sick as a dog you got me sick as a dog ♪

♪ you got me sick as a dog ♪♪ Hey ! You leave all that slippery, sticky shit all over the fuckin' place.

I'll tell you what, I'll be waitin' for you sons of bitches outside the theater.

Bring your fuckin' fists with ya. I'll shove 'em down your fuckin' throat !