The King of Marvin Gardens (1972) Script

I promised that I would tell you... why I never eat fish.

When we all moved in to my grandfather's house, it... somehow fell to me... to keep the old man's mind off of things.

We would play casino over an old card table.

He never let me win.

One time he put one of those tiny model trains... into my hamburger.

He was a practical joker.

I broke my tooth on it.

On Friday evenings we had fish at our house.

Every Friday.

Not on religious grounds... but because Grandpa was a fish enthusiast.

"Keeps you from going blind," he would say... even though the bones always got caught in his throat.

My brother and I would sit next to one another... waiting for his terrible coughing to begin.

Then one of us would be dispatched to the kitchen... to get a flat heel of bread to clear the bones.

He'd gulp it down, and slowly his coughing would diminish... and then everything would be quiet again... and we would go on with the meal as though nothing had happened.

One Friday my parents went out... leaving my brother and I alone... to serve ourselves and Grandfather.

Mom left the fish warming on the stove -

breaded sole.

The bread crumbs only helped to conceal the bones.

When the inevitable coughing began...

my brother and I just sat... and looked at each other... not moving.

Grandfather's eyes got wide.

His face became contorted and red... his arms flailing about.

I raced to the kitchen and back... with a flat heel of pumpernickel.

Grandfather reached out for it convulsively...


I... handed it to my brother instead... and... he... back to me.

Grandfather pitched... face forward onto the dining room table and then... back... knocking his chair over... pulling the tablecloth... silverware, mashed potatoes... fish, stewed tomatoes with peppers and onions - all of it - on top of him.

Heaped on the floor... behind the table, he...

looked like the... remains... of some chaotic dinner party.

My brother took the incriminating pumpernickel from my hand... and, uh - stuck it... into Grandpa's fingers.

I think at that moment... my brother and I became accomplices forever.

"Don't ever say a word about this," he said.

"Just go to bed and pretend... that you're asleep. "

The next morning... my parents explained to me that, uh...

Grandpa had gone away on business... and had left me a very special... kiss good-bye.

♪♪ Are you out of your mind?

I'm sorry, Dave. The guy said it was an emergency.

I don't care what the story is. I'm on the air.

Anything you say. I'm sorry.

♪♪ Enough talk.

Let's hear our theme all the way through tonight.

Until Wednesday, then, this has been Etcetera... and I have been your host, David Staebler.


♪♪ Eight minutes of theme? Who called?

I don't know. He said he'd call back.

I'm gonna tape at home for Wednesday.

Maybe for from now on.

Blinking lights, urgent telephone calls.

I'll mail you the cassette.

Hey, Dave, you know nothing gets past me when you're live.

The guy said it was an emergency.

There is no emergency can't wait till I've signed off.

Yeah, I know. I know.

What's the difference? I know.

If you don't mind hanging around, I'll buy you coffee.

I've got another appointment. Some other time, okay?

Okay, Dave.


It's not your fault. Sorry.

Hey, Dave! Are you comin' in Wednesday?

Are you gonna mail in the show or what?

Next! Ho!


And up and down.

Down, down, up and down.

Two, three, and bring it back.

...helps strengthen the arch and our butt.

Ready. And up. Down.

There are 39 stations to choose from - A.M. and F.M. - plus television.

If you don't like my stories, you don't have to listen to my program.

Jason called.

Person to person, after midnight.

I gave the operator your number at the station.

Well, he didn't get through.

Oh, he'll get through.

He'll get through.

Bend up and down.

And I never stuck a model train in your hamburger.

It was a cricket from a Cracker Jack box.

Up and bounce, bounce.

What's going on?

It's your brother again. Jason?

He made me wake you.

What's he want? He says, uh -

He made me write it down.

Let me see it.

"Get your" - What's it say?

It says, "Get your ass down here fast. Our kingdom has come. "

Where's he calling - Geez, I got pins and needles.

Where's he calling from? Oh, blood's not circulating.

Jersey. Jersey.

Down at the shore. Okay.

What time is it?

Let me see.

1:30. Damn it.

You woke me up, Jason.

Train arriving from Philadelphia, track one.

Train arriving from Philadelphia, track one.

Welcome, Davey!

We're not really ready yet.

I mean, it was supposed to be a whole lot better, you know... but things don't always work out as you plan, right?

And if you love Jason -

I'm Sally.

I would tell you that I've heard so much about you... but I absolutely detest clichés.

Listen, I would like to see my brother.

I'm sure you can understand, I'm -

Oh, Davey, he was supposed to be here.

David. Okay? I mean, it was nice of you to come down and everything... but, uh, no one's called me Davey in 10 years.

Naturally you're irritated. But is it my fau -

Oh, just a minute. They're here. Hold on.

Fine. Okay, just this little row.

Make a straight line. Okay, you know the song, right?

You got the song? Now, on the downbeat, okay?

♪ By the sea, by the sea By the beautiful sea ♪

♪ You and me You and me ♪♪ Come on, Davey. Jason's waiting.


♪♪ That's all, boys.

You look like a priest in that wardrobe.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Come on! Give me a break here now, huh?

Same old David, huh?

You notice how it's Monopoly out there?

Remember Boardwalk, Park Place, Marvin Gardens?

Go directly to jail? Well, that's me.

Don't pass go, don't collect $200.

Jason, is there something I should do?


Give me your pen.

I'm gonna give you an address.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Come on, now!

Give me a break!

My brother's in town! All right. Wow.

I'm giving you an address here.

It's about a five or a 10-minute jitney ride.

When you get there, ask for a man named Lewis.

Lewis. Right.

Tell him you're my brother, and I want my ass out of here before sundown.

Nothin' on the record.

And be... polite.

Then meet me on the boardwalk.

Take in the sights, look around. I'll find you. Hmm?

Go around the other way. I'm Jason's brother.

I said, go around the back.

What can we do for ya?

Jason said, uh, that I should only talk to Lewis.

If that's okay.

Have a seat in here anywhere. Thank you.

Listen, you don't have to push people.

Well, can you think of more to service you now?

You know I'm goin' to up and do it for ya. That's what I'm like.

Well, I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate -

Well, how 'bout you just consider us appreciated... up the ass.

Yeah, well, you know, man, I don't like to make trouble - - You're not in trouble with me.

I'm not a troublemaker. I just - Yeah, I understand.

I just want to say thank you. Okay. I understand.

Thank you. I really mean that.

I don't need thanks, and I don't want no thanks!


You see, I'm a generous sort of a gentleman.

What's the message?

Well, Jason said that I should only talk to Lewis.

Gettin' to Lewis is known to entail additional waiting time.

Well, Jason said that if Lewis knows -

Right there, my boy, is an accurate summarization.

Jason says and Lewis knows.

Jason says and Lewis knows.

You want to change seats, though, go right ahead.

Jason says and Lewis -

Wave your hands!

Wave your hands!

Gertrude, wait for me!

Wait! Wait for me, Gertrude!

Wait for me!

Well, you already met Sally. Jessica.


This is David.



There it is, Davey.

It's supposed to be the oldest and finest accommodations on the boardwalk.

Come on, darlin'. Come on, Jess.

Woodrow Wilson used to stay here. Did you know that?

Did you know he used to live up there in Princeton?

Anyway, the island's called Tiki.

It's just seven miles off the coast of Honolulu.

It's the most fantastic place I ever saw in my life. Sally?

Yes, dear? Did you remember to pick up that mail this morning?

I sent Jessie for it.



Jesus, it's really gonna be good to talk island again.

Do you know that we haven't talked island in years?

We haven't talked anything in years.

Well, I know, but that's what I'm tryin' to get here... is the Staebler Brothers' renaissance.

I didn't forget, David.

♪♪ How are you tonight? Très bien, monsieur.

Oh. ♪♪

Sally, you know, we're not paying electricity here.

You can leave some lights burning. I did, Jason.

The bulbs must have blown. The last time we had candles.

How's about some candles? Yeah!

Isn’t this romantic? Yeah, I love it.

I'm for gettin' violins up here.

Maybe it's the fuse. I'll call downstairs.

May I talk to Mr. Seymour, please?

Hey, Sal, bring one of those candles in here. Okay.

I can't see to piss.

Mr. Seymour, this is Jason Staebler's secretary.

We have no lights in 914.

Would you?

Please, as soon as possible. No, no, no "soon as possible. "

Tell the man I want these lights 10 minutes ago!

Thank you very much.


Black Horse Pike, right outside Absecon.

This lady, Lucy - real upset... because she's afraid that somebody's gonna find us together.

I got nothin' with Lucy.

I don't have the key to Shirley's trunk.

I drive her car all the time, whenever I want to go someplace... but I never needed to get into her trunk before.

Now, I'm lookin' around.

Crowbar I find on the floor - backseat.

Pull it out, go outside the car... and I'm tryin' to... pry open her trunk.

All of a sudden, headlights I'm gettin', right here.


I got to admit, let's face it, I look a little suspicious with a crowbar in my hand... tryin' to pry open her trunk, not to mention I got a goddamn woman here - Lucy - in the front seat tryin' to hide herself underneath the dashboard.

Now I got a cop comin' around... with a big flashlight here, lookin' in the trunk.

What have we got there, behind the spare?

A Kleenex box filled with Swiss watches.

And this bitch, Shirley... she's reported that her car has been stolen.

Now, you understand without that... what you got at the train station is... celebrity treatment?

You mean you'd have been there to conduct the orchestra.

I'd have been there.


Half of 'em don't even know whether they're standin' or sittin'.

They may wind up sitting on your jury.

Jury? What are you talking about, jury?

I'm telling you the whole charge is a total charade.

It ain't even gonna get to the trial stage.

It's some lunatic who's out in the street - totally confused, tryin' to hang my ass 'cause he's got a grudge.

We got apologies in the morning.

I was in jail one time, you know, in Cincinnati.

I don't know if you ever heard about that. I did 60 days.

You wouldn't know what that was like, but it was really grim, let me tell you.

We've all done our time, Jason.

Isn’t she beautiful?

So beautiful.

What do you think, David? Miss America?

Sure, darlin'. We'll bring her back next summer as Miss Hawaii.

How's that? In the meantime, let us formulate some plans here.

You notice how it's not on most maps?

It's just a dot here.

But it's paradise.

A kingdom.


"Staebleravia"! Ya-hoo.

I thought it was called Tiki.

We're gonna get to rename it next month.

You can consider that your department. Who'd build a resort like this?

Don Dimbleby. Have you ever heard of him?

I call him "Dimblewit. "

You understand, this is a man who inherited his daddy's entire fortune.

Then he pours six million clams into my little island... before he bothers to clear his gambling license.

Now, in an operation this large... the casino is the name of the game.

I mean, that's where you stand or fall.

But Dimblewit, now, you see, he thinks that he can do it without politicians.

♪♪ And you never can.

You never can.

Let's try something new tonight, yes?

Come here. Let me help you.

Lewis - He was the one taught me that.

Jason? Look, honey. Which do you like better?

Up, like this... or down?

If Donald Dimbleby couldn't get a gambling license, how can you, Jason?

He could have got one, all right.

See, he just insulted the wrong people.

Now, I've done business with the man, and - he's no diplomat.

And you can run a place this big?

I don't know.

And I'm not gonna try and con ya.

I can only tell you, for the last 10 years...

I have been in training for it, and I got people fighting to back me.

Goddamn smart money.

But who the hell knows?

As to costs...

I got it worked out so we parcel off some 10-acre packages on the far side... cover our total investment.

Vacation villas.

We retain two thirds for free. How's that?

My pal Lewis's front money. He owes me favors.

I'd cut him in for a piece of the casino.

That Lewis - he loves to amortize.

I don't know too much about real estate.

Well, I just told you all that you need to know.

Now tell me, how does it sound?

Well, it sounds fantastic, Jason.

But, then, what are you worried about?

Good night, Davey - I mean, David.

Good night. Your job?

You don't think we got radio in Hawaii?

Hey, we'll package your show.

I'll tell you what we can do.

We can syndicate you to the whole goddamn English-speaking world.

You bunk here tonight, okay?

Tell me what you're so upset about.

I'll tell you whether or not it's real.

Frankly, I think what you've got is an exercise problem.

Not enough space to run around up there in Philly, work up a decent sweat.

Hey, David?

How's about we change all that?

Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on! Sprint! Give me sprint!

Come on! Loosen up!

I'll give you goddamn Olympic games!

Come on! Come on! I'm two goddamn years older than you and beatin' your butt!

Come on, Dave. Are you all right?

David? Yeah. Yes, you are. You're terrific.

Oh! One, two, three, exercise!

Throw your arms up! Come on! Don't puke on me!

Goddamn it, exercise! You look like some kind of goddamn penguin!

Come on. Give me gymnastics!

Look at this. Look, we got bimbos comin' for gym class!

Bimbos comin' for gym class! Jason!

Bimbos comin' for gym class! Things are a mess again, Jason.

Put it in a nutshell, doll. It's Sally.

The nutshell is, you'd better come right away.

Talk the manager of the St. James out of a grim mood.

Surtees is always in a grim mood.

Look, he's already called the police, Jason. The police?

It's not funny. It's no joke. Jesus, what do you mean, the police?

She knows that I'm in a delicate situation there.

Okay. Try not to go off half-cocked then.

Absolutely. Let's review the situation calmly, darlin'. Calm down.

I'm only out on goddamn bail here.

I mean, let's be totally serene on the subject of police.


Sally goes to take her morning bath... and the water comes out rusty.

Well, the Carlton's right next door to the St. James... which your brother said he acquired last week.

So Sally says, "Am I not entitled to bathe... in Jason's own hotel?" I never said I acquired it alone.

She just shoos the little peon desk clerk away. You know how she does.

That's really peachy. I can just see it now. And she grabs the key.

Me and the cops riding up together in the same elevator.

I don't mean to cast any stones here, David.

I mean, I'm still out on a ridiculous felony charge. Oh!

And all I asked from you was a simple message to Lewis.

Now, wait a minute. No, that's all. It was a favor. Now I'm vulnerable.

Hey, I went to see him. Yeah, but you didn't talk to him before you left... otherwise the man would've gone straight into action.

Well, the place was weird. Jason.

Hey, I waited around. What's the difference? Please, take care of her.

Guns is all I need. I got nervous.

I meant to tell you I'm sorry. I'm out on goddamn bail with a concealed weapon.

Ain't even registered. Will you please remind me to get this thing registered?

Now, you take this... in your hand.

Come on. It ain't gonna go off like a firecracker in your face.

Jesus Christ! Great to have flesh and blood in your corner. Know what I mean?

I'm sorry about the message. Pick up some lunch!

Some pastrami, coleslaw, head cheese! Jason!

Do you need me? I don't care! Anything you want!

Do you want me to carry that?

Sally made Jason buy this, you know.

As if anyone would dare mug Sally.


I wish you didn't really think I was part of all this.

Aren't you? ♪♪ Of course I am.

We all are.

People from the Glassware group... bus leaving from Camden - Hey!

Hey, Charles, where's my problem? 213.

But wait a minute. You can't go up there! Sorry.

Bus leaving from Camden, Asbury Park, Long Branch -

Jason, how can I get dressed? My clothes are out there!

It's okay, darlin'. I'm taking care of it.

I'm standing here, wiping bubble bath off my chest... and you're insulting my people?

Well, you're standing there. You sicced the cops in on the woman.

You got a whole battalion of people here.

You got a woman trapped naked in the bathtub and you're not even selling tickets.

You missed your - Jason, hand me my stuff, will ya?

Here's your dress, darlin'. Please hurry up. Thank you. You pig!

What are you lookin' at? What, am I runnin' a burlesque for you today?

I was just trying to help. What's the matter? You're not gettin' enough at home?

You gotta take a peek around here. Is that your problem?

All right. All right. Take it easy.

What do you care about a man hot for an eyeful?

What do you care about a lady, all she wants to do is wash up. Oh.

It's the principle, Jason. "Principle"?

Principle. I'm attempting - I'm attempting to run - - Princ - an orderly establishment. You talkin' "principle" to me? Get over here.

Who are you trying to bullshit here? You got a grudge a mile wide, and you know it.

Now, what's goin' on here? I have every reason to be chagrined.

You promised Lewis would sign last week. That was providing... we could work out the terms of the maintenance deal.

You can't even produce your owners for the meeting, so what are you talking about?

And waste everybody's time? You know that damn maintenance clause is a smoke screen.

Of course it's a smoke screen. You'd rather we cancel the whole negotiations?

Well, you got it. Can you get - Can you get Lewis to - to cancel that last paragraph or not?

If I can't get Lewis to cancel a little paragraph, nobody can.

What are we talking about here? I'm the only man trying to hold this deal together.

Yes. Now, why would you ever want to alienate me?

God Almighty!



Yes, well -

Under the, uh - Under the circumstances, uh...

I'm afraid I'm still going to have to charge you for the room.

That's understood.

What is it, uh, $38.50? Mm-hmm.

Okay. Here's 20.

I had a hunch that, uh... we weren't talkin' "principle" here today.

Hey. Hey.

You're gonna make real sure my money finds its way into the cash register... aren't ya, hard-on?

If you hadn't come, the police would've been there... dragging me out of the bathtub in a minute.

I mean, I don't want to go into a place with my bubble bath... and say, "All right. I have special privileges here"... and have the cops called on me, that's all.

All right. I'm not finished yet. My feet are still cold.

This water isn't hot enough. It's still steaming.

It's not steaming, Jason. It's cold!

Sally, the water is still hot. Well, maybe it feels hot to you... because you weren't out there freezing your ass off, but I was!

Catching double pneumonia as you were dragging me out of a bathtub.

Sally, it's all right. It's not all right.

Could you bring the hot water over there and pour it?

Oh, not him! Oh, Sally -

It's all right. Go ahead.

Jason, I'm just asking you to put yourself... in my shoes for once, if you would, please.

How on earth do you think that made me feel? Just think about it.

Poor Mommy.

Poor baby.

Hold it. Thank you, David.

I mean, you told me that you owned the goddamn St. James Hotel.

You're so full of shit.

What I told you was that we still had to examine the papers.

You're full of shit!

Thank you.

You take a bath in there sometime, will you, Jason?

Just go take one bath in there. The water is rusty, icky, mucky!

I mean, you'd come out dirtier than when you went in, for God's sakes!

Just - I'm telling you, it won't even stay hot for three minutes, on top of everything else.

Just go in there and take one bath and you'll see.

Go on. Shrivel your testicles. I'll talk to the manager.

Oh, that'll do a lot of good. Terrific.

I mean, it's just for a few more days, darling. Couple of weeks at the most.

Agura's flying in here Friday from Tokyo, and we got a deal there.

It's 96% finalized.

Not like the St. James, darlin'. What is it?

Apple juice. Sally, listen to me now, for one time!

I am listening to you! Well, I tried to explain to you... that the St. James deal was still in the exploratory stage.

Well, you didn't make that clear. I didn't mean to yell.

But after that it doesn't matter anyway 'cause the four of us are Waikiki Beach.

Brown as berries. Goddamn 50th state.

We're goddamn Hawaii, babe. Pineapples.

That's funny.

All I need to feel is that you're with me, you know, David?

Like we've got something solid between us.

I'm still here, aren't I?

Things are pretty weird around here, you know?

It's not like home, huh?

You were really fabulous with Sally yesterday.

You know, the girls, they'll be yours as much as mine.

Yeah? When's all this go into effect?

We'll know when it's time, won't we?

Love takes time, you understand.

You've read all that literature.

No one reads anymore.

I have been deprived my literary right... and I crave an audience.

The form of the tragic autobiography is dead...

or will be soon, along with most of its authors.

Good-bye, written word.

So I have chosen this form - radio - to author my life.

Not because my life is particularly worthy... but because it is hopefully... comically unworthy.

Besides... tragedy isn't Top 40.

Which is just as well.

Oh, God. I'm sorry. I, uh - I, um -

I didn't know anybody was in here.

It's all right. I'm not doing anything.

What time is it? I don't even have to go. I can come back anytime.

I - I couldn't sleep, and I was afraid if I talked in there I would wake you all up.

No, no. It's fine.

You should have all the time you need.

I know you're an artist.

I can come back anytime. I - I couldn't sleep... and I was afraid if I talked in there I would wake you all up.

No, no. It's fine. You should have all the time you need.

I know you're an artist.

Who say now $150? Let it go at 150. 150 now bid.

175? 175, yes? 75. Hundred, $200. 200. Now it's 225. 225? Yes!

225 and now 250. 250. Now 275. Going to give it to you. 75 the bid.

Bottom 275. Sold 250.

Thank you, Henry. That was neat.


Ladies and gentlemen, I'm your auctioneer for the evening... and by my accent you can undoubtedly know that I am Scottish.

And as you well know, Scottish people do not give things away free.

I love all the hustle around here. It's out in the open.

Down here, everybody's hustling all the time. That makes me laugh.

Maybe you can explain to me why the tzimmis couldn't wait till the season rolls around.

Nobody hires an auctioneer in the depths of winter.

We all take five. What do you say?

Pause that refreshes, boys, huh?

Talk to you guys in a minute.

Now, you, my brother, sit down right there for a second and watch this.

Purse snatcher!

That man took her purse!

Mister, look, you give Magda back her purse this minute, or I'm gonna call the police. You want your purse back?

Oh, no, no. She's got it back.

Come right in, ladies. Of course you won't give me your purse.

2,000 years of civilized greed... has taught us to cling desperately to our little possessions.

Trust no one. The woods are full of thieves.

What woods? What are you selling?

The man is sincere, Bambi. Oh, Magda.

Thank you. Now, I really appreciate that.

And I know that none of you expects me to give you something for nothing... but I am prepared to give you something for next to nothing.

You see what we have here today?

What do you select? The radio.

Magda! The clock radio. I knew it.

Sophisticated taste from Magda, the woman who's goin' for a 28.50 item here.

For you, Magda, 75 cents.

Three quarters in my hand, and you're walkin' out with a clock radio.

You'd give me that radio for 75 cents?

What else does she have to buy?

I got a clock radio here goin' for six bits.

It's goin' once. It's goin' twice.

I- I'd like to hear it play a minute. It's only fair.

I'm sorry. Forgive me.

Oh! Okay, Davey. Take over.

Forget the radio. Here.

Now, why don't you take this little mixing machine. It's a freebie.

The other man just confused me. Hey, how about the toaster?

Toaster? Sure. Here. - Yeah. - How 'bout the watch?

How about you take the toaster? What did you want?

Here's the Bulova for Dad. There you are.

We don't want your money, ladies. There you go. Quite a surprise package for you.

No, no, ladies! For God's sakes!

Let's clear the entrance. They don't want your money.

Auction is over. Run along now. That's it for today.

Ah, geez. You're some kind of holy terror, you know that?

I'm surprised they ever let you out of that loony bin. Well, not exactly a loony bin.

More like a retreat, rest home.

Now wait a minute. Both of you.

Look, before you call it a good day's work, what am I supposed to do with seven auctioneers?

Send 'em packin'. They're a bunch of lames, jam-joiners.

Very nice. What about my merchandise?

Why be so shortsighted? Why don't you think of the goodwill that it bought you?

Goodwill don't balance my books. At least I need receipts.

Jason, tell this schmuck about receipts.

See, I got a news flash for you. These grandmas are coming back... with half the widows of South Jersey, and not because they got a handout for nothin'.

But because merchandise was presented to them with style - - Sure.

Style from this schmuck, you schmuck, who happens to be David Staebler, my brother.

Two Staeblers. What, are you planning my ruination?

Just the opposite, Mr. Lebowitz.

I've been summoned here to give your image a face-lifting.

Surely even you understand that image is everything in business today.

Look. I have no time for jokes, Jason, no desire for argument. Receipts is the rule for everybody.

What are you aggravatin' me for? If Lewis came here, wanted to play Santa -

Here I am, goddamn reunited with my brother, and you're arguing with me.

Now, that's no way to do business. It don't have a good bode.


♪♪ Remember when we were kids?

You were always hollering, "You're not the king of me. "

That still goes.

Don't think you got the crown of Staebleravia sewed up either.

I hear these islands are a veritable hotbed of palace revolution.





What kind of wardrobe is that, huh?

Spread 'em apart. There's a mole in the middle of the valley.

That's not funny. Shh, shh, shh.

Come on. What are you doing? Come on.

Come on.

Your aim is totally off.

Are you gonna make something happen or what?

One, two, three!

Hey, hey! I'll give you Billy the Kid!

I'm all wet.


This could've been a fantastic island right here.

It was full-out class until about 1930.

I tell you, you could hop a plane to Bermuda for the weekend.

Yeah. Look at it now.

Let that be a lesson to us.

I promise you strict controls on Tiki.

We can't ever let it go downhill.

That's why I won't let anybody build on anything less than 10 acres.

And no pokerino. No frozen custard.

No saltwater taffy.

If anybody litters, we deport 'em.

Thanks, Bertha. It was a nice ride.

You're welcome.

So tell me, how are you doing with little Jessica?

She seems very nice.

We haven't exactly gotten intimate yet.

Well, you're the most fascinating man she ever met.

Did she say that? We have no secrets.

Jason, we're freezing. Come on!







Miss Hawaii. Yes, indeed.

Miss Hawaii.

Style and grace... and a beautiful face... from our beautiful 50th state of blue Hawaii.

Yes, indeed! No contest!

Major discovery!

Totally major discovery!

She's it!

This is my favorite part of the show. Having fun?

I'm just having a ball.

♪♪ Now, I noticed in your biographical sketch... that you haven't tap-danced since you were nine years old.

No, sir. Not really, sir.

Ask her an interesting question, lame, and quit milkin' it for yourself!

I see you brought your own rooting section with you.

Yes, sir, I did.


Well, how 'bout that?

Thank you. We wish you all the best luck in the world, uh, honey.

And now... comes the moment we've all been waiting for.

I don't envy our judges.

They've had to select from among the most glamorous... and the most talented contestants ever.

But at last, they have reached their decision.

And there she is... being crowned by last year's queen... the most beautiful girl in the world...

Miss America!

Yay, yay, yay, yay, yay, yay!

You look beautiful, darlin'!

Take a walk! Come on! Hit the big runway!

You look beautiful.

♪ Here she comes ♪

♪ Miss America ♪

♪ Here she comes ♪

♪ My ideal ♪

♪ The dreams of a million girls ♪

♪ Who are more than pretty ♪

♪ May come true in Atlantic City ♪

♪ And there she is ♪

♪ Walking on air, she is ♪

♪ Fairest of the fair she is ♪♪ You said midnight!

We're pushin' 1:00 a. m., Staebes. You ain't splurgin' for no time and a half.


Nobody down here got any pageantry anymore at all.

Nobody even wants it anymore.

Jason, what's happening? I haven't finished. That's it?

Why can't she finish? Go on home. You're off the rate.

Take Miss America and her pageant and get out of here.

Let her finish. What do you got in here? Dracula?

She's almost finished. Come on, darlin'. Come on. Come on.

♪ Here she comes ♪

♪ Miss America ♪

♪ Here she comes ♪

♪ Our ideal ♪ Into the chariot.

♪ The dreams of a million girls ♪ Come on, honey.

You got it. Careful!

♪ Who are more than pretty ♪ Ooh! Thank you.

♪ In Atlantic City ♪ ♪♪ A rose here! A rose!


♪ Miss America ♪♪


Now you got 'em. Yeah. Bring 'em in.

Now you got 'em. Yeah. Bring 'em in.

That means he's ready to eat, right? Yep.

Yeah, he looks like - He looks like a good one. He's not very big.

Nah, but he's - Here, little guy.

They cook better when they're that size. Here, little guy.

Okay. We need about four or five more the size there. Four or five more?

Davey, which one do you like?

Forgive me.

We don't want to misunderstand about these dolphins.

They live with people in the same family?

Exactly. At least that's the way these particular experiments were structured.

In one, a girl lived intimately with a male dolphin for two months.

They developed an extraordinary level of interspecies communication.

She taught him to make humanoid sounds... even English language phrases.

They learned to sense one another's moods... to make each other happy.

Uh, please. Just how did she make this dolphin happy?

Well, he liked to have the skin between his flippers stroked... for one thing.

She eventually learned to relieve his sexual needs... if that's what you're curious about - and I certainly would be.

The point is, there are a hundred avenues to redefining leisure.

We're exploring many of them.

Dolphins are only one example, of course.

You see, we don't believe that people today... want to spend their whole vacation... lazing on their backs in the sun.

They want to bring home something more than just a suntan.

But no nightclub? No entertainment?

Oh, I can promise you stage shows that are one of a kind... like my brother's mind.

You've been listening to the man.

We're not talkin' about Las Vegas.

He's already booked the most fantastic tap-dancing show in America.

Gentlemen, lady, excuse me.

I - I have a splitting headache.

On your way home, why don't you pick up a spice cake... and then we can all have a little dessert back at the suite later?

I'm sorry. Business discussions always disturb her. They give her a headache.

It's because, um, her father talked of nothing but business at the dinner table - or something like that.

Here. Sit down.

Well, we too must be getting back to our hotel.

Oh, nonsense. Now, come on. It's still early. Sit down.

We'll be leaving on an early flight tomorrow out of Newark.

Most fascinating, these plans of yours.

Anyhow, since we're talking about Lewis's money... perhaps we should soon be talking to Lewis.

You've always had this, Davey. You seem to need to cut me.

Jason, you gave me the impression we had this island all locked up.

I'm not saying - Well, it is all locked up.

Are you trying to teach me about business?

I mean, you really think that you ever settle every last detail over a lobster?

Come on. You know better than that.

Listen. This whole deal is no competition.

Those Orientals got nobody else interested in this island.

Well, if it's such a desirable piece of property... why don't they have somebody else interested in this island?

Because we're talking about a highly superstitious people.

I mean, I checked this proposition out myself... and these Orientals think that there's some kind of jinx on this place.

Nobody'll touch it, and Dimblewit won't play ball with the right people... so they think that Tiki's a white elephant.

Jason, even if you could sew up a down payment, a nightclub isn't something -

Hey, don't "nightclub" me. What we got here is Staebleravia - a kingdom.

Oh, for God's sakes. Let somebody else handle the entertainment.

Your brother changes his mind twice a day.

Sally, if David has any reservations about the plan...

I am welcoming the opportunity to rebut them.

But, Jason, if somebody doesn't want something, you just can't go give it to 'em!

He's never gonna understand what you're trying to do for him, not ever.

I mean, he doesn't - he doesn't have any gratitude.

He's got only one thing - that's depression, suspicion and mistrust.

She's not all wrong.

I mean, there is a grain of truth there.

Jason, you're asking me to believe in another dream.


Like two years ago, when we were gonna go on a trip around the world, the two of us... all expenses paid.

Cook's Tours. Holland American Lines.

Well, that's the perfect example.

I convinced the U.S.I.A. that we are goodwill ambassadors - big smiles - and then you gotta show up in one of your famous depressions.

Now, look, Jason.

I don't hear from you for a year and a half, and then you call me up three and a half weeks ago -

That's exactly what I'm talkin' about. You hear yourself now? Your attitude.

Now, why not give me a chance, a few months?

Suppose I do fall on my ass? What does that cost you?

My suggestion is we call it a night.

If you two could hear yourselves -

We could hear ourselves a whole lot better if you would butt out for about 30 seconds.

Come on, Jessie. Let's go. In a minute, Sally.

No, honey. It's nighty-night, beddy-bye time. Come on.

Now, now. Tomorrow's another day.

Another day, another dollar. The early bird gets the worm.

You're the one who's acting like a three-year-old.

Why don't you just go to bed?

I say you get in that bedroom right now.

Jason, why don't you sleep out here tonight with your little brother?

I think you can squeeze two in that Murphy bed.

Okay, Sally, you got your own stupid way.

I'd better go.

I've already told them what we're callin' the place -

"The Philosopher King," after you.



I get to feed alfalfa to the rabbits, right?

Oh, David, stuff is just gettin' too complicated in this shit-hole.

For Christ's sakes, straighten up!

Why must you always walk away like that?

I know you're afraid, David.

But I don't know... what it is that makes you afraid.

You'd better go to bed now.

I love you. All right?

I know.

I love you too.

Good-bye to all this, huh?

How deep is beauty?

Skin deep.

How deep is beauty? Skin deep!

Vanity, vanity! All is vanity!

Out goes the old, and in - goddamn comes the new! - Good-bye to this!

Farewell to finery! Oh, goddamn!

Tiki Hawaii! Winter is out! You've done a good job, but your life is over, my dear.

Farewell! Winter coats, go!

It's all over! Whoo!

Good-bye to this! We got an inferno here!

No more diets! I'll match you.

You throw one, I'll throw one. Good-bye to all of this!

Three, four.

And take that too! Come on. As fast as you can go, darlin'. Go.

Hey, darlin'. Where are you goin'?

Sally, are you all right?

There. Now we're a cooperation, huh?

No more competition. Are you happy?


Hey, did you want any of this stuff? You can have anything you want, honey.

Should we save something for you? What do you think? Here, you pick out something for your old age.

Come on. This will be your hope chest, my darling.

Here it is.

Oh, don't. Don't get tears on the pretty face.

I want you to stay as beautiful as you can... as long as you can, okay?

Oh, you don't need this though. What am I thinking?

I mean, they're gonna have new and improved products... by the time you're old and... withered.



Stretch marks all over your blubbery thighs... and your dumpy behind.

Tsk. Oh. Nah, you're not gonna need any of this stuff.

No. Nor this.

Or this. Or this.

It's all for you now, Jessie.

It's all you, honey.


I'm just along for the ride now.

Isn't it funny how things change? You see how things change?

You know? I mean, now you're the meal ticket.

Yeah. You won't forget old Sal, will you, huh?

You gonna forget old Sal? No. Okay.

Hey, don't you cry. Why are you crying?

Miss America. Come on. Let me see Miss America. There she is.

That's good. And I am your chaperone.

Yes, I am. I will be your chaperone.

Now -

I'll wait up for you, see?

I'll stay home, and I'll wait up, my little bunny rabbit.

And every night when you come home, I'll tuck you in.

How about that? Huh? All right?

Tame, you go first.

All right. No.

You've known Sally a long time, haven't you?

My whole life, practically.

She's my stepmother.

Wait a minute.

It's my eye makeup.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today... to lay sweet Maybelline in her final resting place in the sand.

That's my eyeliner... eye shadow... and eyelashes.

Do you know that eyelashes are made out of real animal fur?

They are, really. Honest, Jase.


I've been walking around for 20 years with little minks on my eyelids.

May I greet the morning... as I am... with my own naked face.


Sally. Come on. Let's go now.

Run some of that energy off.

Come on, sweetheart. There's nothing left to throw into the fire.

Yeah. I just wanna sit here. I don't wanna run.

Sally. Please come run with me right now.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. I'll go slow. Come on.

♪♪ I never went anywhere.

Never left my cabin.

Except to pick up some milk and cheese at a little farm in the valley nearby.

Never saw anybody... except old Ma Saboski... who ran it by herself.

She had a Sunday supplement... color photograph of Johnny Unitas...

Scotch-taped to her wall.

I told myself that I had all that I needed... in the way of human companionship.

But then I couldn't make it through the winter alone.


They're gonna be down here any second.

Well, we're in the middle of something, aren't we?

♪♪ Do you want me to go someplace with you?

Look, David, there have been lots of men.

At first, Sally carried me... and then I just tagged along... until I got old enough.

And we went together.

Sort of a package deal.

That's a polite way of putting it.

When my father left, she didn't have to take me with her, David.

That's what I mean when I talk about being connected to somebody.

You mean, sleepwalking along on someone else's life?

Jessica! Jessie.

Do you think that you're the only one who's entitled to be selfish?

What are you doin' down there, darlin'? Hatching corporate mergers?

Come on. Let's mule train out of here. We're on the town tonight.

Ah, here they come. Oh, and my, don't they look nice together?

Oh. Tsk. Aren't we chichi?

Aren't we "shiekery," Davey? Sally and the beautiful people, yes?

Jess and Jase. Jase and Jess. It's just too perfect.

Come on, darlin'.

Are you sure you're gonna be all right alone?

Good night.

Whoop! Oh, boy.

As illusions begin to drift and fade... like white snow -

Once, while pretending to be living alone... in a cabin in the woods... it began to snow... for 11 days... and 11 nights.

The end of the sixth day...

I began to feel... that I was... disappearing.


Edit that out, Frank.

Edit that out too.


Have you... ever had the feeling... that you were... uncertain... that you were where you sensed yourself to be...

that you were in a set...

that all of the... things were... props... put there to stimulate you... and that you were, in fact...

under observation in some... white hospital?

God. Vomit.

Um -

Edit all that out, Frank.

The roads... were impassable.

The blizzard... had been falling... for eight days.

The snow had built... over the windowsill - enclosing the windows...

cutting off all the white light.

Jesus. Start again.

Who are you? Let's go, Staebler.

Yeah. What do you want? Who - Who told you to come in here?

Hey, who - who sent you?

Hey, what is - Just hold it right there!

Ju - Just stay right there. Nobody said nothin' about no gun.

Yeah, no way, man. Who sent you?

We're just pickup and deliverymen. Just don't move.

We ain't goin' nowhere, right? No.

Only when it was exhumed... did it begin to decompose...

into a chicken fucking sandwich.

Hey, wait a minute. I want to ask you one or two questions.

Wait a minute, I said!

I got a piece of business with Jason Capone upstairs.

He's out for the evening.

In that case, we got all the time in the world.

I'm not gonna cause you any trouble. You can rely on that.

I just want to find out a few things.

As long as you ain't no dirty trouble-causer.

There are two types put me uptight - a dirty double-crosser... and a dirty trouble causer.

You know what a dirty double-crosser is?

That's a cat that sails all the way to Paris, France... and all the way back... without taking a bath for the duration.

Now... a dirty trouble causer... he's somethin' else again.

He might be a cat lookin' to arrange secret meetings... with my superiors.

I'm in a hurry.

I hope you're cautious, carryin' that little piece in your pocket.

Let's go.

You know, you remind me of a little sweet cat I used to know up in Perth Amboy.

Carried a little derringer around like that.

One day it went off in his pants.

Changed his life.

I just want to forewarn you.

Some cats mistakenly presume that if a white man walks in bearing firearms... he's on a hostile mission.

Ooh. Oh.

Do you wanna stay cordial?

Don't ever point no weapon at me. You understand?



You're not a whole lot smarter than your brother.




I was only playing with you that time in my office.

I'm Lewis.

Heard Jase talk about you many a-times.

Many a-times.

You're the philosopher. Yeah.

An hour ago two hoodlums tried to kidnap me.

Yeah, I heard that.

They were told to pick up your big, bad brother.

Why are you after Jason?

After him?

You've got to be kidding. After him?

Is that how come you requested a summit meetin'?

Oh, I neglected to mention, he was packin' this when he requested.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Come here.

Hey, what do they call you? Teddy the Wonder Boy.

I wonder why in the hell you don't stay out of my kitchen.

Can't hear yourself think around here.

You put Jason in jail.

Why not? I kept him out enough times.

Odd way to pay somebody back for years of loyalty.

Pay back?

You come to tell me who owes who?

I had the impression that he opened up some territories for you.

Places that you couldn't get into, places in the South... like Daytona, Atlanta, New Orleans.

Places that brought you a lot of money. Okay.

So I don't forget a job well done.

But maybe you don't know about Hawaii.

No, I know about Hawaii. I know about Hawaii.

You send a guy down there - You send a flunky down there, you don't get anything big.

You can't send a flunky down there. You send Jason.

Of course he's got ideas of his own. What do you expect? That's what you like about him.

That's why he's working this job for you. That's the way you got started.

You think everything goes down one thing right after another?

Everything's settled over a lobster dinner? It doesn't work that way.

I send him on errands. The next thing is he wants his own island.

For a venture. Sure. Craps, roulette.

He'll make a fortune for me. He's gonna be the new Conrad Hilton.

He wants to start off for himself like you started off for yourself.

That's all there is to that. He's just like you.

Look, son, if Jason's tired of Atlantic City...

I'll send him to Hawaii.


You wanna go along, also fine.

We'll buy you boys some kind of pineapple stand down there.

How's that?

Maybe I know my brother a little better than you.

One thing about him -

If he insists he's still workin' for me... his ass is gonna rot in correctional for two to five on an auto-theft felony.

Listen, son.

I'll invite him to live in my own residence... but no business.

You I can talk to.

You and me could work up some sweet deals.

Jason's no businessman. Can't he understand?

He won't listen to my opinion.

I think he's an artist.

Who is Lewis?

Some pitiful shine off the streets - moderate brains.

I was his goddamn turning point, Brother.

That's right. Jason Staebler.

Lewis was nickels and dimes when he met me.

You're living in his suite. Oh, what are you talkin' about?

The man was hustling numbers on Baltic Avenue when I met him.

I built up his entire organization.

And if you think for one second, David, that I need Lewis to sew up Tiki Island... you're dead wrong, so forget it.

Well, don't tell me. Tell the Japanese.

I don't want you in the shower, honey, unless you're totally packed.

I'm totally packed! Thank you.

I don't even know why you and I are discussing Japanese... because Mount Fuji-face only knows Lewis because I picked up some real estate for him.

Yeah, with whose money? Who paid for it, Jason? Him or you?

Oh, come on. What are you talking about? I got guys seven, eight figures - calling me all the time... asking what they should do with their loose cash.

Thousands of 'em. I can't sleep at night. The telephone's ringin' all the time.

Oh, David. For Christ's sake! Look how close we are.

What are you letting us get our wires crossed now?

Just let me row us into shore, will you, please?

Close? You keep pretending that the charges don't exist.

He wants me out of his hair. Is that what you're saying? I'm out.

Let Lewis clear up the phony rap.

Do you realize I have absolutely nothing to pack?


I've left a thousand places. This is the first time I've had no packing.

You see, David, if everything don't work out for you like magic... then it's all a mirage.

I've been knocking around this old world a little longer than you have... and I can tell you one thing right off the bat - it ain't never that easy.

Do you know, even my makeup kit is empty.

Plan "A" busts, you switch to plan "B," with "C" and "D" to fall back on.

And then maybe you end up with something.

A lot of plans.

You know, David, I think you'd be happier back in Philadelphia living with Grandpa.

Every week for $110 you can rehash the same old bullshit... that you have been boring me to death with since I was 15 years old.

What about her, Jason? What are you gonna do with her?

Send her home from Hawaii in a basket?

What are you, the consulting psychiatrist or something? I happen to be right here in the room with you, you little snot-nose kid!

Can't you see I'm trying to have a conversation with my brother? Yes, I can see that.

Now, will you get in that room and pack your bag right away! I don't have anything to pack!

We've got a limousine, Sally. It's due here inside of an hour. I told you. All right.

I don't care whether you have anything to pack or not. Go downstairs and buy a magazine then.

Just do me a favor, darling. Don't go to pieces on me right now.


Look, we'll leave Sally here.

Then Jessica, you and I can go together... settle the backing, and then we'll send for Sally.

You still think there's a deal!

Your household is crumbling, and you're putting together a multimillion-dollar real estate deal.

That's just great. You two run off with Jessie and leave me here alone.

You two pulling Jessie's titty in the hot sand. I'm going back to Philadelphia... and you are going to stand trial on Friday. Good. Good.

There's not gonna be a trial. How many times I gotta tell you that? Jason.

Can't you think? Huh? Jason. Is that what you're gonna do?

Now, just be quiet, will you, darlin'? You want to know why nobody can ever have a conversation with you?

It's very simple. You cannot keep the issues straight.

Jason, just - Jason, are you gonna leave me?

Well, let's just drop it then. No, let's not just drop it then.

I mean, you want Jessica to stay and take care of Sally, that's fine with me, David.

I merely thought that the girl would be an added attraction. That's all.

Actually, this way it's much better, because now together, you and I, can go down and close the deal.

Oh, Christ, Jason! Will you wake up for one minute?

Will you open your eyes? Open your ears!

Okay, okay. The big problem is where to dump me. Isn’t it?

Well, isn't it?

How's this? I'll shoot myself, huh?

Then the three of you can run off to the South Sea Islands together. How's that?

How's this? You just stop acting crazy for a minute, huh?

You want me to have to beg you, is that it? Don't be rigid, Jason.

That's a perfectly good solution. I am not being rigid, sweetheart.

I'm simply telling you, get your ass into the bedroom, or I'll shoot you myself.

Now, we've both had a bellyful of you.

How's this? I'll shoot your brother David, and then I'll go off to the gas chamber... and you can run off with Jessica, which is what you've been wanting to do for a long time.

Just give me the gun. Isn’t it, Jason?

Now, let me tell you what's number one with me. You want to really know?

It's my brother. Now, for 30 years, David and I have been trying to get together on something.

We finally have an opportunity. We are very close.

And if you think for one second that you're gonna chase him back to Philly... with all the scene you're putting on here... and then it's gonna be Jessica and you and me playing ukuleles forever in the sand, forget it!

No, ma'am. Never. So get a grip on yourself.

You wait a minute! Just a minute, you!

I'll shoot you, and then your little brother David can run off with my Jessie... and live happily ever after!

They'll probably pin a medal on me! What's going on?

Your mother's gonna murder one of us.

So far the only one she hasn't nominated is you.

I can see it right now. "Matron Slays Three in Seashore Love Nest. " Headline material.

Oh, please, go off.




There was no way that... the middle-aged Kewpie doll really thought... that Miss America was in the cards.

The dinners with - the Japanese businessmen in bibs... and... the latest come-on with Lili's dolphins... all seemed harmless.

No sense in not going along for the ride... and not enjoying the games... when... that's what the trip seemed to be about.

No need not to speculate what your hero was doing... behind the doors... late at night when you couldn't sleep.

The goals didn't seem serious for moments.

Then certainly nothing more serious could happen.

Maybe there even would be a trip... to blue Hawaii.

I certainly didn't want to stop it.

But in the fun house...

how do you know who's really crazy?

How do you know... that it's supposed to be you... that stops it right now?

Only you don't know how to stop it.

The gun was... always with the water pistols.

Until Wednesday...

this has been your host, David Staebler.

The program is Etcetera.

What are you looking at this for?

Do you know what time it is?

Don't worry about me. I'm all right.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's okay. I know you didn't mean it.

Good night. Good night.