The Kings of Summer (2013) Script

(RHYTHMIC CLANKING)

-(KNOCKING) MAN: Joe!

(KNOCKING)

Joe!Joe!

You've been in there for 54... 55 minutes, Joe!

(KNOCKING)

(KNOCKING)

Masturbation is fun. I get it.

It's not very green to do it with the shower running.

Jesus!

Bring your briefs in there with you.

You're 15 years old.

It's not cute anymore.

Got his mother's fanny.

(CHIMES TINKLING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

♪♪

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♪♪

♪♪

(WHOOSH, LOUD THUMP)

(CHIRPING)

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Your final was due a week ago, Joe.

I mean, look... look at the board.

School's over.

We're playing hangman here.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

(LAUGHTER, INDISTINCT CHATTER)

There you are.

(LAUGHS) Hey.

So, are you guys around tonight?

Because you should totally come to Thirsty Thursdays.

End-of-school tradition. Yeah. Yeah, totally.

I'll... I'll be there. Cool.

So it's at Wolf's Pond, whenever you...

Oh... my God.

BOY: Eat shit, Toy!

I can lend you a shirt.

I've got like five in my locker.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

You know what, actually, it doesn't look that bad.

(SIGHS)

So, pregame at Paul's at like 7:00-ish.

Paul has his own apartment?

(HORN HONKING)

What, you're not going to acknowledge me?

Hi. Mmm. Yeah.

Um, I will see you tonight.

Yes. Yeah, uh...

Babe. Yes?

Let's go get egg bagels.

Okay. All right. Bye.

Paul. God.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

I need a shirt.

(LAUGHS) That's awesome.

That is... that is great.

Actually, I need a picture. Shit, can I get my phone?

Hey. Mrs. Keenan?

Shh!

WOMAN: Patrick, why are you running around?

Oh... Grandma, you remember Joe.

Hi, Mrs. Keenan.

Darling, would you like a cold washcloth?

What? No. No washcloth.

How about you, Joseph?

Actually, yeah, I would... I'd love a washcloth.

No, Mom, sit. What the hell? What the hell is happening?

My mom reminds me of Blanka.

That's the sound I hear whenever she speaks.

Just the gibberish of an undisciplined animal.

It's never going to end. Even when I'm an adult, she'll find me, question me.

You're being a little dramatic, I think.

Joe, they're giving me hives.

There's no way that they can give you hives.

(CONTROLLER CLATTERS ON FLOOR)

Holy shit.

Hey, kiddo.

ANNOUNCER (FROM VIDEO GAME): Round two. Fight!

(TAPPING CONTINUES)

What, Dad? Should be a stud here.

(JOE'S DAD HUMMING)

Oh, what's all this?

Carol's going to be here in 30.

Go wash up. Uh, Dad, you know, um, I actually just realized I have a party tonight, so I'm not going to be able to make it for dinner and stuff.

Sorry.

Too bad.

The plans are already made.

Your sister's driving all the way in.

I'm making lamb stew.

Are we in Beowulf?

Look, after dinner, I was thinking we might bring back Game Night.

It'll be fun.

Game... Game Night's a family thing, Dad.

I'm not going to play Game Night with some spider woman you found in the gutter.

Carol is not a spider woman that I found in the gutter, Joe.

She's a very nice lady who happens to like me.

And I like her.

So, we haven't played Game Night since Mom died, and then, all of a sudden, you meet some floozy and expect...

Enough! Enough, Joe.

This is not a debate.

My house, my rules.

Now, go get ready.

WOMAN: So, Joe, your dad told me that you go to Tottenville.

Are you on any teams?

Carol, before we go any further, you should know--

Frank is not my real father.

I love him, and I owe him a lot.

You know, he's very special to me, but he's not my blood.

Is that true, Frank?

That's completely untrue.

I'm taking Ventnor.

Frank, the lamb was delicious.

Just so tender and... it was like I was chewing avocado meat.

I'm not sure I know what you're saying, Colin.

Avocado meat.

(SMACKS LIPS, EXHALES)

Heather, do you remember when Dad quit because, um, you wouldn't trade him B&O?

Remember that? Oh... oh, do I remember when my own father called me a "fear-mongering Chinaman?"

Yeah, I do-- mostly 'cause I'm not a man.

Nor am I Chinese, so...

Oh, my God, what a panic.

That's something my great-grandfather would say.

He's a racist.

DAD: You do that often?

Eat the hamburger and then the fries?

You don't... you don't mix it up?

I don't know, Dad.

Just asking.

MOM: We watched a very good movie on the cable last night.

Mmm. Oh, honey, what was it called?

DAD: It had that guy in it, that actor...

What was it? What's his name?

Called, uh, Heimlich, the...

Yes, yes! With, uh, what's-his-name.

The Prince, the... the New Prince.

Will Smith?

Will! Yes. Will Prince.

Will Prince. Oh, my gosh, what does he play?

Superhero? -Oh, he plays a superhero in this one.

Kind of a supe... Not a cape, though.

Yeah, it's called Heimlich. The darnedest thing.

Come on.

You want to be my buddy?

Yes. I would love that.

Tennessee for Park Place.

Right now, straight up.

(LAUGHS) Done.

(CHUCKLING): You got it.

What? No. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

The men are talking, Joseph. Pipe down. -COLIN: Yes. Quiet.

Quiet, everybody, except for the men.

We're in command of the room. JOE: This is bullshit, Dad.

You're pricing me out of the goddamn game.

Your roll, JoJo.

This is collusion.

Dad, come on.

Yeah, it's kind of cruel, Frank.

FRANK: No, no.

He's just mad because he doesn't want to be here, so he's being a little shit.

Oh, great. Oh, no.

Joe, don't go.

He's quitting. That's nice work, Dad.

He'll be all right.

Let him walk it off.

(DIALING)

Patrick, have you been washing that foot every day?

Because moisture can get trapped in there from the brace.

That's what killed Jim Henson, you know.

Oh...

What the hell are we talking about?

MOM: Ooh, Patrick, can you whistle?

(WHISTLING)

I like it when you harmonize with me on the whistling.

Patty, where you going? Got to go potty?

(LINE RINGING)

Oh, shit, he's doing it.

Joe!

Joe!

Joe...

Yeah, I'd like to report a theft.

Goddamn it!

Yeah, his name is Frank Toy.

Brown hair, uh, height unknown.

I'll call you back.

You son of a bitch.

But...

(INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO TRANSMISSION)

WOMAN: The problem with Joseph's habit is that one day there will be an actual emergency or violent crime coming from this house.

Yeah, well, the night is still young.

Uh, Mr. Toy, are you familiar with "The Boy Who Cried Wolf"?

Yes. I experienced a childhood on the planet Earth, so... yes, I've heard of that one.

Do you think you can apply it to my situation in an allegorical fashion?

Okay. It's a...

-a story that involves a boy who... -Ah, ah, ah...

-constantly cries "wolf." WOMAN: Stop.

And when the wolf finally comes... He doesn't know it.

I'm sorry, "The Boy Who Cried" what? -Wolf.

Fuck you. WOMAN: Let's go.

-"The Boy Who Cried" what? Stop talking.

Wolf. Get the fuck off my porch before I knock your dick in the dirt.

Come on, let's go. -I don't see what the problem was.

Why are you yelling at me? What's next? Three Little Pigs?

It gets easier. Okay? Honest. I swear.

Look at it this way: In two years, he's going to pay for you to leave.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Uh, look, this may sound desperate, but I am 100% lucid, okay?

Don't smile, 'cause I'm...

Don't. No, this is very serious.

I am serious. I'm taking you so seriously.

I can be packed in 15 minutes.

Just take me with you to Granville.

Please.

(INHALES SHARPLY) Okay, I would.

Totally would, but...

Dad would want to come visit us all the time, and that just wouldn't work for me.

You're lame. So... take it easy on him.

You're getting so handsome. Yeah. Yeah.

I love you. Hey, don't you touch me.

You love it.

(GROANS)

(YELLS, GROANS)

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JOE: Oh, hey. Hey. -(LAUGHING)

What's up? -Okay, I am going to get you a beer so you can catch up.

Okay.

-(GIRL WHOOPING) OTHERS: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

(LAUGHING AND WHOOPING)

What's up, dude? Hey.

How was, uh, fake family night?

Oh, it was great.

Nothing went wrong.

The police didn't come.

I love my father.

(LAUGHING): Shit.

Okay, I have beer for you. Hey. Thank you.

Hello. Hello. Hello, Kelly.

How are you? I'm good. How are you?

I'm not as drunk as you are.

(LAUGHING): I think you are.

Can I have your beer? No.

Hey, sorry, bro. Keg's almost tapped.

No beer for freshmen.

Oh, but he is a sophomore now, Paul.

Sorry, babe.

No dice, bro.

(LAUGHING): Oh, man.

You little fuck-suckers!

We're trying to sleep!

It's public property, bro!

MAN: What?

Who told you that?

We assumed!

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

I don't trust that old guy.

He has a shadow behind his eyes.

How long have you been standing there?

Hello.

That's not an answer.

You little shit dicks!

(PARTYGOERS CLAMORING)

Oh, my... Jesus! Let's go, let's go.

(CLAMORING)

JOE: What the hell are you doing, guys? Come on!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Let's go! Let's go!

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

(OWL HOOTING)

BOY: Hey, Joe, do you know we've been walking for half a mile?

I can tell by how much we've bonded.

JOE: Well, we're lost, and, um... you haven't said a word this entire time, so...

How much longer?

I have no idea, Biaggio.

Let's just keep our wits, and we'll get out of here.

(INSECTS BUZZING AND TRILLING)

♪♪

Where are we?

♪♪

Someplace they won't find you.

What?

(SIGHS) Let's go, man.

We got a long walk home.

(CELL PHONE RINGTONE PLAYING)

(STAMMERS, CLEARS THROAT)

Hello? Hi.

Hi.

I just wanted to make sure that you didn't get shot last night.

No. No, no, no.

I survived.

I, uh, wound up getting stuck with that kid Biaggio, though.

Oh, yeah, I spoke to him once.

He told me that his uncle died on the Challenger.

That's the price of space travel, right?

Uh... yeah, sure.

Um, so get ready for this.

Paul skedaddled on me last night.

Uh, wow, that's... that's a dick move.

(STAMMERS)

Tools-- out of the driveway now.

I'm on the phone. Oh.

I don't give a shit. Right now.

Is everything okay there?

No! Who is this? Patrick?

Kelly. Kelly. A girl.

Jesus, that's a pleasant surprise. -Dad...

Listen, Kelly, Joe can't talk right now because he's grounded.

He will call you back sometime before his hot new bedtime of 7:30.

You have a good night.

Okay.

Tools. Now.

And if they're ruined, you're going to work the whole set off this summer. I mean it.

A paper route.

Big Chief Indian Corn.

Goddamn Ohio Soccer Jazz. I don't care.

You have your pick.

This bullshit ends today.

Yes, it does.

PATRICK: I can't walk all day like this, Joe.

JOE: Okay. We're almost there.

Just 50 yards.

PATRICK: Almost where?

What the hell could you be showing me in the woods right now?

What is this, Joe?

You want your room facing sunrise or sunset?

My What?!

This is the site of our new house, man.

What, like a tree house?

No, like a real house.

I'm moving out. We're moving out.

What the hell are you talking about?

My mom won't let me walk around the house without socks on.

She's definitely not going to let us live out here in the woods.

No one will find us out here, Patrick.

This house, this land, it's ours!

We make the rules, you know?

Like men!

So we're just going to move out here and, uh, build a house from scratch?

How hard can it be?

Hold on-- what is this kid doing here?

I don't know.

I'm afraid to tell him to leave.

I don't know what he's capable of.

Forget him.

Break ground with me, man.

Look, I'm sorry, Joe, but I can't do this.

Call me when you get home.

Patrick?

MRS. KEENAN: So you wore the blue shirt today?

Not the one with the pocket?

He's got the blue one on. PATRICK: Yeah.

Whoa, rope in the attitude, mister.

This is your mother you're speaking to.

Come on, buddy. Come on. Huh? Huh?

My word. -Sorry, Dad. Who is he doing a show for?

Oh, my gosh, I know, it's like he's on camera.

Are there girls around?

MRS. KEENAN: Yeah, there must be. Uh-oh.

Girl check.

Checking for a girl in a bikini.

Nope. I don't see one. -(PARENTS CHUCKLING)

Those hormones are a-ragin'.

(DISTANT, DISTORTED VOICES)

(PHONE BUZZING)

Hello?

I'm in.

What? -(OVER PHONE): The house.

I'll do it.

Yes! Yes! Holy shit! Yes!

Okay. Awesome.

JOE: Well, we'll break ground tomorrow.

(SCOFFS) Yeah, right.

Hello?

(TV PLAYING LOW AND INDISTINCTLY)

♪♪

Joe, what do you tell your dad when you leave all the time?

If we were talking, I still wouldn't tell him shit.

Jesus, what happened between you two?

Nothing.

He's just an old, lonely prick, and I want to get out of there before I end up anything like him.

Joe?

Can I talk to you for a second?

You made this? I did.

Took very little time.

Very few days.

"My name is Jamal Colorado, and I have kidnapped your son.

"He is unharmed, and will stay that way if you abide by the following rules."

"Jamal Colorado"?

JOE: "Anfernee Texas"?

"D'Sean Utah"?

Yeah, I decided on the format of Denzel Washington: a black first name, followed by a state.

Yeah, fuck that. We're not using those.

JOE: Okay, Biaggio, good effort... (WRY CHUCKLE) although very poorly planned out and, um... savagely racist.

I just didn't want to do nothing.

(TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY)

(TV CONTINUES PLAYING)

Dad, um...

I'm gonna spend the night at Patrick's tonight, if that's okay.

Okay, and make sure you're in bed by 7:30.

I'll call the Keenans.

(JOE SCOFFS)

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(LAUGHTER)

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(NO DIALOGUE)

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(CHUCKLES)

Freedom!

Fuck you, Frank!

Honey, I got the classic ciabatta bread.

They finally had it. You're getting wild.

Sliced. -(CHUCKLING): Yeah.

This is our big day. You're crazy.

We usually do rustic ciabatta.

I know it.

Mom, Dad, I'm going to spend the night at Joe's.

Oh, okay, honey.

Well, I already made dinner, though, so take some vegetable soup for you and Joe.

Uh, no, thanks.

No one likes vegetable soup, Mom.

Well... (CHUCKLES)

MR. KEENAN: Okay, we're in Pretendland, I guess.

"Nobody likes vegetable soup."

Did you hear this, honey? I heard it.

Oh, my God. He's your son.

Listen, tell Mr. Toy to put some white rice underneath it.

It'll be delightful.

Mom, no.

No vegetable soup.

We're not eating vegetable soup.

I'm getting a Tupperware.

Here, take this tomato.

(EXHALES)

(SIGHS)

Jesus.

♪♪

♪♪

(EXHALES)

You okay, fatty?

No.

No, I'm not.

I-I'm really nervous.

We're really doing this, huh?

Yes, we are.

(SIGHS) I've never done anything like this, Joe.

It's starting to freak me out.

Well, uh, neither have I.

Kind of the point.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.

Just, okay, before I make a big decision, I always, you know, say to myself, "I'll do it unless God gives me a definitive omen in the next 30 seconds."

So, you know, it's just some dumb superstition I have.

If you don't want to do it, that's fine.

But...

Do you want to?

Sure, yeah.

It's...

Yeah, so just like, close your eyes, and yeah.

You got it.

(THUNDER BOOMS)

Oh.

Okay, let's go.

Wait, what?

No, no, that was thunder.

Definitely a bad omen.

No, come on, that was thunder.

That's a tree. This is a rock.

Come on, man, it's nature.

It's not an omen.

Have some common sense.

-"Common sense"? It's not like a raven told us to go away.

Yeah, we're doing this.

(THUNDER BOOMING)

(THUNDER CONTINUES)

(DOOR CREAKS)

Oh, God.

(JOE WHOOPS)

(CHUCKLES)

JOE: Ready?

All right, let's unpack.

(SCREAMING)

I came early.

Oh, shit.

(PANTING): Dude.

-(LAUGHTER) Oh, my God.

♪♪

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(CHUCKLES)

Fuck, yeah.

♪♪

(WHISPERING): Patrick.

PATRICK: What the f...? Jesus.

What time is it, man? Who cares?

We're out in the woods.

There's no time in the woods.

Let's go exploring.

What? What?

Of course there's time in the woods.

You go outside and you look at the... the sun, and the higher it is in the sky, the later it is in the day.

♪♪

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(SHOUTS)

JOE: "We do swear, "under pain of friendship lost, "to never speak

"of this enterprise to any adult, "and to never betray its location

"or its participants, "and from this day forthwith

"to boil our own water, "kill our own food, build our own shelter and be our own men."

All right, we need cool names for everything.

Like, awesome, mythical names.

No, we don't. Or, uh...

The Trees of Destiny.

Oh! (LAUGHTER)

No. No! The map!

Aah!

(SQUEALING)

So, Patrick's a wrestler? Oh, very good one.

Yes, a good one. Very good wrestler.

So what's that, Greco-Roman or arena?

MRS. KEENAN: Don't answer that.

Greco-Roman. What's arena?

Arena is pro.

WOMAN: Do you think that Joe would run away

-to prove a point? MRS. KEENAN: Oh, hold on now.

We don't know that they've run away.

I mean, there is absolutely no reason that Patrick would run away.

Not for Patrick to run away, no.

Okay. You're right.

It's a classic kidnapping.

They took our children and the canned goods and pasta.

WOMAN: All right, look, I hate to admit it, but Frank is right. Right now, we have to assume that these are voluntary disappearances.

Wow. What do you know?

The police, always pushing their pig Irish agendas.

Whoa.

Mrs. Keenan, I assure you, there is no other agenda than to find your son right now.

No. The Irish are the blacks of Europe.

The blacks of Europe.

MR. KEENAN: Oh, my God. -Period.

That's powerful stuff. That's not...

MR. KEENAN: Okay, wow.

Sweetheart, I'm Irish, okay?

We're under a lot of stress, Captain.

I'm sorry about...

You know Patrick was our only boy.

"Is." Did you know that?

Yes, I do. Did you?

I'm well aware.

Listen, according to the report, $80 to $100 in food and housewares is missing.

From the Toy house, we are down a tool set, grill utensils and about $240 in cash.

Now, I presume we're not pressing charges.

Frank, would you like to press charges against Joe?

(SIGHS)

Not at this time.

FRANK (VOICE-OVER): He took the Monopoly, too.

Obviously to spite me.

HEATHER: Maybe he just wanted something to remember you by.

No way.

He hates that damn game. Did you see him the other night?

Well, he used to love it, you know, when it was, like, the four of us.

You're kind of shitting on his memories, Dad.

Well, what am I supposed to do, Heather?

You know, if I died, he'd get over it in about six weeks.

Uh, sir, Chinese food is here, so I would like to actually...

How much?

Uh, it's $51.

$51?

What the hell did you order? Heather?

Don't look at me. I got dumplings.

I'm not even hungry.

Yeah, I actually ordered a... a large portion of the shrimp with lobster sauce.

I figured it was pretty neutral.

We can eat it family-style.

Neutral? Mm-hmm.

Shrimp with lobster sauce?

Yeah.

I can't think of a more marginal dish in any culture.

MAN (QUIETLY): Hi. Hey.

What's your name?

My American name is Gary.

You ever have one of those days, Gary?

What kind of days?

The kind I'm having right now.

I don't know what kind of day you're having.

Where you feel like somebody is pissing in your face all day long.

Is that good or bad?

Bad. Bad.

Gary, every time...

You see those wontons, Gary?

You see the size of them? Mm-hmm.

Those wontons are too big, my friend.

Everybody loves those. People ask us for the recipe.

We won't provide it.

It's part of our training-- how to deal with people who want the recipe too bad.

Oh? -We have a phrase we have to repeat.

What is that? -"We won't provide it."

I can see the value of these now.

I can have the kids from the neighborhood come over and bounce up and down on them at a fucking party.

Oh, sarcasm, I get it. It's like a bouncy house.

The poor man's wit.

My question for you, Gary, is:

How do you want me to eat these with my normal human mouth?

Do you want me to unhinge my jaw like an anaconda?

Should I put this in my belly and lay out in the sun

-for two months, digesting it? Dad, enough! My God!

Just pay the poor guy. GARY: My God. Yeah, and maybe you should get some forks in the house so your dad doesn't have to unhinge his stupid jaw to...

We're done here, and for the record, your wontons are way too big. Nobody can fucking eat those.

No, I can eat them; just give them to me.

Good night, Gary. I'd be very happy to eat those.

Your house has a bad vibe.

JOE (VOICE-OVER): No more rice, no more pasta.

It's time to eat an honest meal.

Biaggio?

You and I will take to the trees.

Patrick, you, uh...

Yeah, yeah, I know.

I-I pick berries and apples and forage.

And it makes a lot of sense,yeah.

(GRUNTING)

Oh, what?

You should be the hunter just because you're stronger?

Yeah.

Oh, don't... don't drink the water.

Uh-uh, I shouldn't have done that.

I'm glad you came out, Biaggio.

I mean, this is... this is our rite of passage, goddamn it.

Have you ever felt this at one with... with yourself?

With your instincts, with nature?

This... this masculine?

I don't know.

I don't really see myself as having a gender.

Is that a problem?

It's not great.

This way to the bison, my friend.

When you get up here, you can see a field of bison majestically grazing.

Ooh, get your weapon ready.

Yeah. -(HORN HONKING)

Let's go, Biaggio. Come on.

No, but the... the quarter dark is so good.

Boston Market, that's... that's from our old life, our weak life.

Wait here.

(HORN HONKS)

What will it attract-- scavengers?

Scavengers? Look at this.

Fit for a goddamn king.

Are there any bears in these woods?

Hope so.

A bear would feed us for a month.

Perhaps we can disillusion him.

A bear who doesn't believe in anything will be easier to bring down.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I... I guess I agree with that.

Might be a little small.

One, two, three, four, five.

(THUD)

(INSECT CHIRPING)

(CLACKING)

You have a tag on your pants.

Did you buy new clothes for this?

It comes like that-- it's the style.

(CLATTERING, ANIMAL SCREECHING)

Yes!

Okay, come on.

No, the swords.

We got it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, God, okay.

Flip, flip, flip the thing, and I'll, uh... I'll take its life.

Strike it at its neck. Don't compromise the meat.

I know, I know. It may plead; don't listen.

Be cold, clinical with the blade. -I will.

It may try to bargain-- this is natural.

Just turn it! Okay!

(SCREECHING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

PATRICK: Yeah, I'm just surprised you found a live chicken in these woods.

Yup, yes, sir.

That's amazing.

JOE: Biaggio, your corn pudding is to die for.

I have to know the recipe.

Mmm.

Oh, God.

So smug.

PATRICK: Dude, food attracts mice.

And you know what mice attract?

Stupid fucking questions? No.

They attract snakes.

In Italian, the word for "snake" means "the demon's cock."

No, it doesn't. -There's a chance that it doesn't.

Whatever, dude.

From here on out, -all the food goes either in the fire or in the ground. -(GROANS)

God, man, you're so doom and gloom all the time. Just enjoy this.

It's not doom and gloom, bro.

I just found a copperhead skin two hours ago.

I read once that animals see fear as a color.

I thought you can't read.

No, I can read.

I can't cry.

Well, there you go.

OFFICER: Okay, we traced Joe and Patrick's cell phones to this bus.

Savanovic, Dietzel, check under the seats, see if the bathroom's locked.

This is an artist's projection of what he might look like now.

The beard may be a little full.

FRANK: They aren't here.

This is a waste of real time, Davis.

You can check under the bus if you want.

There's not a lot of air that can make it under there, but...

Listen to me. Our son ran away about eight years ago.

I'm sorry. Did he come back? So, he came back?

Well, it was a really hard time for us. -Uh, thank you.

Jesus, we don't need this right now, sir. Are you okay?

Uh, what does he mean? He doesn't mean anything.

You need to lean on each other. Sir.

Oh, my God. Get him back on the bus.

Davis. -No, I don't want to get on the bus.

I'm a licensed therapist!

This is Joe's bag.

It's empty-

That's Patrick's phone. That's Joe's.

Some dude had a beeper?

DRIVER: That's dope.

MRS. KEENAN: W-Wait a minute.

What... what is that?

What does that mean?

It's a Monopoly piece.

MY Piece.

He's taunting me.

He's like the Zodiac Killer.

Okay, the worst thing you can do is hope right now.

I'm just letting you know.

(RHYTHMIC CLANKING)

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

We have to do this for real. Ready?

One, two... a-one, two, three, four!

(RHYTHMIC CLANKING RESUMES)

(BIAGGIO CHANTING)

(RHYTHMIC CLANKING CONTINUES)

(CHANTING)

(RHYTHMIC GRUNTING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING AND CAWING)

JOE (VOICE-OVER): Cheers.

(CHUCKLES)

We have water, shelter. We can put a balanced meal on the table. I mean, we answer to no one.

We're men.

Just now?

Just happened?

Just happened, man.

You don't say.

JOE: All I'm saying is that if anything was missing from all of this...

...it'd be a woman's touch.

We have Biaggio. (LAUGHS)

JOE: Doesn't count.

Right here. Hey, hey, hey. Oh, what, what?

Hey.

KELLY: Hello. Got to get my drink on.

Hi. Do you guys want anything?

Uh, I got a Titleist right here.

It's worth like $3.50, so if I could get a Sun Chips and a beer and then 50 cents in change, that would be fantastic.

Okay, well, we do not run on a barter system.

What the fuck is a "barger" system?

KELLY: Barter. Barger?

When you use equal goods or services instead of cash.

So you admit that these are equal goods

-in your barger system. Yeah, but we do not run on a barter system.

That's not the point.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

KELLY: You're on the news, Joe. Your dad was on K-19.

(SIGHS) Okay, please.

My dad is loving every second of this, okay?

No, Joe, I seriously doubt that.

So, uh...

...does Patrick have a really big, crazy beard now, too?

Yeah, yeah, his is a little more serious than mine.

I have... I have thin hair.

You know, you have to groom it.

Oh, right.

Yeah, like Paul's sick-ass goatee?

Uh...

I guess you wouldn't have heard--

Paul and I broke up.

Oh.

This isn't over, Kelly.

This isn't over, Kelly!

(BEEPING)

(LAUGHS) Uh... uh, no, I did not catch wind of that.

Um...

I'm sorry, though.

I, uh, came here actually to invite you to dinner.

Uh, sort of like a... a housewarming thing.

If you want. Yeah, obviously I want to, but how do I... how do I get there?

Do I have to... be blindfolded or something?

In all seriousness, it's of absolute vital importance that you not tell anyone, -not bring anyone. No one. Yes.

This is life or death, Kelly. Okay, okay, okay.

Okay.

(WHOOPING)

(GROANS)

Bitch.

Joe.

(RUSTLING IN BUSHES)

(RUSTLING CONTINUES, FOOTSTEPS SCURRYING)

Dude.

Biaggio.

You're camouflaged horribly.

Dude!

Where's Joe?

What's up, man?

What's up?

Have you seen Joe?

No, I don't know where he is.

But where's Biaggio?

You're right here.

You're right... Oh, God.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Okay, fine, fine.

We bought a few chickens.

Less than 30, more than 25.

But the fact is Biaggio and I have been hunting and getting pretty goddamn dangerous out there.

This is hypocrisy.

Joe, listen to yourself. How can you sleep at night?

Look, I can deal with the fact that the chickens were store-bought.

Okay? I can.

But it really bothers me that the loaded potato isn't Biaggio's recipe.

No. No, no, that actually really is.

I... I honestly have no idea where he's getting chives.

So, um, can I pass or...?

MR. KEENAN (VOICE-OVER): Judy keeps saying that wherever they are, at least they have each other.

(SIGHS)

I guess that calms me down sometimes, you know?

FRANK (VOICE-OVER): I got to wonder whose idea it all was.

MR. KEENAN (LAUGHING): Yeah.

Wait, are you serious?

It could have been Patrick's idea.

No way. Oh, my gosh.

Joe is the one who drove them to the movies when they were nine.

Remember? Only reason they got caught is 'cause they went through a drive-through.

Sunfish. Damn it.

Joe is the one who tied Patrick's pet turtle to a kite.

Wanted to send him up into space.

(FRANK LAUGHING)

I forgot about that.

Are you laughing?

Are you laughing at that?

FRANK: It was... it was more of a laugh of admiration.

For the murder of a turtle?

The turtle died, then?

Yeah, the turtle died, Frank.

I suppose that's a shame.

The problem is Joe's a mama's boy.

Clarissa was good for him.

She just let him be.

Something about his innate sense of menace seemed to charm her.

Now it's just the two of us.

I-I'm afraid I broke him.

MR. KEENAN: I mean, our sons did run away.

They don't... they don't want to be with us.

They don't want to live in our houses.

I guess maybe... we did do something wrong, you know?

What the heck?

Ah. (SNAPS FINGERS)

Patrick is the one who set up Bicycle Olympics in my goddamn swimming pool.

That was a nice $1,300 repair job.

I never called you about that.

Thought we were having a moment just then, Frank.

And Bicycle Olympics was Joe's idea.

Goddamn it.

(SIGHS)

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

Joe, I love it here.

I want to spend the rest of my days with you.

That's an emotional fact for me.

Yes, but...

But I worry.

I can't keep my brain from worrying.

My... my woman brain.

Ah, my sweet Kelly, why should we let it ruin this moment?

FRANK (VOICE BOOMING): Joe!

It's time to come home.

(GRUNTS)

Leave us, Frank.

The forest is ours.

You're out of your depth.

You made a fool of me in front of the whole town, boy.

A harlequin.

He is a man grown, and his path is his own to choose.

Silence, land-trunt.

(GRUNTS FIERCELY)

(VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS)

(YELLS)

VIDEO GAME ANNOUNCER: You win.

Perfect. -(GROANS)

Joe. Hey, bro, we got company.

Lots of company.

Hi, brother.

BIAGGIO: All right.

KELLY: This is so great, Joe.

(LAUGHTER)

BOY: Yo, bros, what did you guys do with this chicken?

Melts in your goddamn mouth, right?

So, um, do you guys eat the same thing every night?

Yeah, a lot of chicken.

They're everywhere here.

Right, Joe? Oh.

All sorts of them.

Yeah, Patrick, um, he usually takes care of the gathering, you know, berries, roots.

I take care of the meat and the protein.

(GRUNTS) And the shopping.

He's a great bargain hunter.

I do the hunting.

So, Biaggio, what do you do?

I met a dog the other day that taught me how to die.

(JOE CLEARS THROAT)

Yeah, uh, Biaggio here, he's a... he's a real renaissance man.

BIAGGIO: I have incredible focus.

You should see his hands. So quick.

This cat right here, he can snatch trout right out of the goddamn stream.

Just... (SMACKS LIPS)

Bullshit.

No, it's true. I've seen it.

I rest my case.

Did you take anything out?

PATRICK: No, he doesn't want your money.

He just does it for sport.

JOE: You know, um, I picked those flowers myself.

Oh, yeah. They're really pretty.

♪♪

KELLY: So what is this all supposed to be?

This is the den.

Oh, this is the den.

How stupid of me.

Um, and that... that is the master bedroom.

Wow.

This is really amazing, Joe.

I mean, I had no idea how talented you were.

I mean, of course, I suspected, but...

Of course. Right. Of course.

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(FIREWORKS BOOMING, WHISTLING)

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

(LAUGHTER)

PATRICK (LAUGHING): That's horrible.

(LAUGHING)

PATRICK: Yeah. Uh... -(LAUGHS)

(INSECTS CHITTERING)

Vicki's making eyes at you, man.

Go talk to her. Look at her.

She's so into it.

There's no point in me talking to her anyways.

Why not?

Joe...

I'm gay.

Are you sure? Um...

Yes.

My lungs fill up with fluid every time the seasons change.

That's not being gay, Biaggio.

What?

I'm pretty sure that's cystic fibrosis.

Oh.

Biaggio, I don't know why you're smiling-- cystic fibrosis is not a walk in the park.

It's actually a very serious medical...

Hey, what-what about Kelly?

She's just doing what... all girls do.

You know?

Pretending like she doesn't care.

Playing hard to get. I don't know.

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, man.

(BREATH EXHALES SHARPLY)

(INSECTS CHIRPING SOFTLY)

(FLOOR CREAKING QUIETLY)

(FLOOR CREAKING)

(WHISPERS): Hey.

Patrick?

PATRICK: Yeah? Can you sleep?

PATRICK: Um... yeah.

Well, do you want to go for a walk or something?

'Cause I can't sleep.

PATRICK: Sure. Okay.

(INSECTS CONTINUE CHIRPING SOFTLY)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(CROW CAWS)

(OWL HOOTING)

(FLOOR CREAKING QUIETLY)

(WHISPERS): Hey. Joe?

Joe, we're leaving.

Are you awake?

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

♪♪

Biaggio!

Jesus Christ, dude.

Stay above the surface where I could see you, okay?

(SIGHS)

Um... Look, I'm gonna go for a walk.

Don't wait up.

BIAGGIO: You should try not to think about them so much.

♪♪

Yeah, uh...

I'm sorry I'm not more fun to be around right now.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

♪♪

(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)

HEATHER: Call me with anything.

Okay? Anything. I'm not far.

Yeah. Thanks.

Take care, Colin.

Have fun with... singing.

Oh. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Um, I'm actually part of a... a cappella band called Mmm.

So long.

Uh, we're actually, uh, performing

12-part harmony to, uh, "And the Band Played On."

Good night. Do you know the song?

Uh, I'll just do the chorus, then, just real fast.

HEATHER: Oh, babe, I don't think it's...

♪ Casey would waltz ♪

♪ With the strawberry blonde ♪

♪ And the band ♪

♪ Played on ♪ FRANK: Thank you.

♪ He'd glide cross the floor with the girl ♪

♪ He adored, and the ♪

♪ Band played on ♪ Great.

♪ His brain was so loaded ♪

♪ It nearly ♪

♪ Exploded ♪ Still going.

♪ The poor girl would shake with alarm ♪

♪ He'd never leave the girl with the ♪

♪ Strawberry curls ♪

♪ And the ♪

♪ Band ♪

(IN FALSETTO): ♪ Played... ♪

♪ On... ♪ Okay. Oh, babe.

HEATHER: Babe. Ooh! (WHOOPS)

I think I may never get an erection again.

Dad! Jesus!

Well... I mean...

Uh, it was good seeing you again.

All right, drive safe.

Aw, come on.

Come on, honey, he just... serenaded me-- I can't pretend

-that's acceptable. Right.

Thanks for giving it the old college try.

I appreciate it. I got to go.

Shit, I'm sorry.

(CAR DOOR OPENS)

Heather.

I'm not a bastard, am I?

No, Dad, a bastard would make everyone around him miserable just 'cause he is.

(ENGINE STARTS)

♪♪

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(PATRICK AND KELLY CHUCKLING)

Hey.

Hey, uh, we...

You do your thing. Just...

I'll see you kids... back at the house.

♪♪

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Look... don't worry.

He could never be mad at you.

You guys are like brothers.

This is different.

This is way different.

Did this work?

Running away?

I mean, are you really happy out here?

Yeah. You know, I'm just...

I'm happy to be wherever my parents are not.

(TREE CRACKING LOUDLY)

(PATRICK AND KELLY LAUGHING)

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

Ah...

Is anything better than a good stogie, Biaggio?

Being in a situation where it's easier to lie but you choose to tell the truth.

Hmm.

Guess that is better.

Okay, I will trade you B&O Railroad for both your utilities.

PATRICK: Eh. KELLY: Eh.

Eh... and this "Get Out of Jail Free" card.

KELLY: Deal.

Deal. That's a good deal.

That's a good trade.

What?

Yeah.

All four railroads for the utilities and your "Get Out of Jail Free" card.

(WHISPERS): Savvy.

(ROLLS DICE)

Oh, look at that--

"Free Parking."

You know what?

I think I'm gonna buy some more houses.

How many is "more"?

Give me a second.

Actually...

Biaggio, I will give you Baltic, Park Place and both my greens

-for both your oranges. I want $1,000.

I'll give you $50. Okay.

Pleasure doing business with you.

You just went from $1,000 to $50?

The men... are talking.

Yes, Patrick, the men are talking.

-(FAKE CHUCKLE) -JOE: Realtor, could I please get

-three hotels? Oh, yeah, sure. On what?

Orange. What I just bought.

There you go, property manager.

(INSECTS CHIRPING SOFTLY)

What's up, Joe?

Nothing's up.

It's your roll.

Look, Joe, if I roll a six, an eight or a nine, things are gonna get very bad in here.

I don't know what to tell you, buddy.

Just think of all the other numbers in the world.

Is everything okay with you guys?

Yeah.

We're golden.

PATRICK: What was that play, Joe?!

KELLY: Jesus! It is a game! PATRICK: That was the lowest, shittiest, dickhead move I've ever seen.

Second lowest.

Wow.

No one was ever trying to hurt you, Joe.

It was never about you!

We just... It just happened!

Get over it! I'm over it!

The bitch wants you, then she's not good enough for me anyway!

Who the fuck are you, Mary J. Blige?

Jesus Christ! Joe, I...

Shut up, Kelly! All right?

Everything was fine until you came into the picture.

You're like... Jesus, you're like a cancer!

(INSECTS CHIRPING)

Uh...

I'm gonna go.

(INSECTS CHIRPING)

What was that, Joe?

You know what? Go be with her.

Go hang with Kelly and your goddamn mother.

I don't... Joe, I don't want to go.

Joe, I want to stay here.

You want to stay here? -This is the most fun I've ever had.

We built this house together!

Go be with her, man, hmm? Joe, I don't want to go.

Get out of here, man! Come on, man, I didn't...

(SCREAMS IN PAIN)

(GRUNTS LOUDLY)

(PANTING)

Come on!

(PANTS)

(INSECTS CHIRPING)

(INSECTS CONTINUE CHIRPING)

I'll get the tools.

We'll fix it.

Leave me alone, Biaggio.

What do you mean?

I'm saying I want to be alone.

Go away.

Don't mince words with me, Joe.

We've been through too much.

Just leave.

(INSECTS CONTINUE CHIRPING)

(INSECTS CONTINUE CHIRPING)

(INSECTS CONTINUE CHIRPING)

(RUNNING STEPS APPROACHING)

Kelly!

Kelly.

I didn't mean for any of this to happen.

I didn't want to come between friends.

I've just... I've...

♪♪

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

No!

Damn it!

♪♪

God...!

Fuck!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

(RETCHING, SPITTING, GAGGING)

(TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

♪♪

(YAWNS)

(GRUNTS, CHUCKLES)

We didn't want to wake you.

(SOFTLY): Yeah.

(SNIFFLES)

Welcome home, Patrick.

(KNOCKING)

Stop.

(SOFTLY): Yep.

Glad you're back. -(MRS. KEENAN LAUGHS)

The report says this boy was with him the whole week.

He's given us nothing so far.

He has a contempt for the law I've never seen in a minor.

Look at him. He won't sit down.

He won't deflate the room.

It's actually quite sophisticated.

(LOUD COUGH)

♪♪

This kid is in my head.

♪♪

If you need to leave, Sergeant, there's no shame in it.

Yeah, maybe just to... splash a bit of cold water on my face.

FRANK: There is shame in it, but please leave anyway.

Oh, God.

And Patrick?

He says he hasn't seen Joe since they split up.

(LIVELY CHATTER, WHISTLING)

(HORN BLOWS TWICE)

(PLAYING "TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME")

♪♪

-(WOMAN MOANS) MAN: No.

It stays on.

(GASPS) Oh, my God.

Dude!

MAN: Hey!

Dude, this is my spot, man! You're ruining my spot!

I thought you said you'd never been here before.

I haven't.

Freak.

I'm sorry. MAN: Come on.

I got another spot.

(INSECTS TRILLING, BIRDS CHIRPING)

(COINS CLANKING)

(SCRAPING)

(BLOWS SOFTLY)

(FIRE CRACKLING)

♪♪

♪♪

No fear!

-(GRUNTS) -(RABBIT SHRIEKING)

JOE (VOICE-OVER): Sorry.

We were just... hungry.

I guess we were all just hungry.

Sorry I yelled.

Goddamn it.

(SIGHS)

(INSECTS BUZZING)

(JOE EXHALES SHARPLY)

"Save the heart and liver if you wish and cut from rectum to collar bone."

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

(SIGHS)

(INSECTS TRILLING IN DISTANCE)

(SETS UTENSILS ON TABLE)

PATRICK (VOICE-OVER): Well, anyway, if you guys are going to go hunting, you're going to need these.

Uh, they're masks that you wear on the back of your head to keep the animals away from you.

To keep them from stalking you, essentially.

(LAUGHS)

This is yours-- on the back of your head.

This one supposed to be me?

Yeah.

Hello?

♪♪ Whoa.

Whoa.

(PANTING QUIETLY)

(HEART THUMPING LOUDLY)

♪♪ On now to the story which has captivated much of Tottenville County.

Where is Joseph Toy?

It's been more than four weeks since the 15-year-old left home.

Toy's friend Patrick Keenan returned home safely this past Tuesday with his family calling it, quote, "a miracle."

Keenan claims he hasn't seen Toy in weeks.

Toy is described as approximately five-foot-seven, with straight brown hair and blue eyes.

Anyone with information regarding Joseph Toy should call the Tottenville County Sheriff's Department.

Coming up: Could caffeine lead to longer, stronger...

Sure.

Every man has.

Well, there's good quitting and bad quitting, Biaggio.

Quit drinking soda: good quitting.

I quit law school: bad quitting.

Do you see?

You should never quit on a friend, son.

Of course you would.

Yeah, okay. That's what I thought.

I-I don't eat cookies.

I'm sorry to bother you.

I, uh...

I can take you to Joe.

♪♪

-(HISSES QUIETLY) FRANK: Joe?

Dad? Joe!

Dad! Dad, don't come in here! Are you all right?

Joe, Joe, I'm not going to hurt you. -Joe, I'm so sorry.

Seriously, do not come in. There's a snake.

FRANK: Whoa.

KELLY: What do I do?

Kelly... look at me.

Be cool, all right?

Be calm.

Be still. FRANK: Whoa.

JOE: Do not move. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

JOE: It can sense fear, all right?

Don't move.

No, no, no! Easy, easy.

(GRUNTING)

Joe! Joe, don't be an idiot!

Be calm.

That's good. -(HISSING)

What the hell is that?

(HISSING)

Biaggio?

Infamata.

(HISSING)

♪♪

JOE: Oh, God. FRANK: Oh, my living Christ.

JOE: Holy shit.

♪♪

Oh...

FRANK: Joe, no! No, no, Joe!

Fuck you, snake!

KELLY: He's awake.

JOE: You're okay. Did it get me, man?

Yeah, a little bit. Um... Small bite. -Okay.

Dad, take the head and the body and bury them in two separate holes, do you understand?

The venom will attract other snakes.

Okay.

Dad, now! Okay.

KELLY: Can you not just, like, suck it out of him?

JOE: The venom has already entered his bloodstream.

FRANK: Okay, we got to get him out of here.

JOE: Oh! Oh! KELLY: My God.

FRANK: Maybe that's good. Maybe that's good.

Maybe he got it out. Maybe he got it out of his system.

Dad, can you bring the car up?

Yeah, I'll just... I'll carry it, I guess, or fly it over the forest.

No, I can't bring the car up here!

Your jokes are not funny right now!

Guys, stop yelling! This isn't helping anything!

He's getting worse. -Oh, my God, he's really letting it go.

You're pissing yourself, kid. KELLY: Guys, he is burning up.

We need to get him out of here.

You up for a little walk, buddy?

All right, look, you two, run up ahead, pull the car up as close as you can to the mouth of the woods.

You know how to put it in gear? -Fuck, yeah.

Watch your mouth. Good, good. Let's go! Let's go! Move!

Come here.

(GRUNTING)

Did you have asparagus?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

(TIRES SCREECH)

Hang on.

♪♪

♪♪

Uh... try these.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(DOOR LATCH CLICKS)

(SIGHS SOFTLY)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(EXHALES)

(WIND WHISTLING)

(WATER RUNNING)

(WATER SPLASHING QUIETLY)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(CHIMES TINKLING)

(BEEPING)

JOE: So... you honestly believe that you saw Heaven?

Yes.

There were many demons.

(JOE CLEARS THROAT)

But I'm better now.

Stronger.

If I had to do it over, I'd get bitten again.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

I know you would, Biaggio.

You're a good friend.

Remember when I said, "If I had to do it over, I'd get bitten again"?

You... you just said that.

I was wrong.

I would never do that again.

KELLY: Joe.

I...

I, um, got this for you from the gift shop.

Uh, it has an eagle on it, the snake's natural enemy.

"You're miles above the rest."

(CHUCKLES)

I-I guess they didn't have one that said, uh, "You saved me from an agonizing death by rapid blood oxygenation."

Uh, they did; just no envelopes.

Look, Joe, just... just because we're not dating doesn't mean that I don't care about you at all.

We didn't even know if you were dead or not.

You know?

I would give you a hug or something, but I don't know, maybe you don't want to be anywhere near me.

No.

A hug can work.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

VICKI: Hey.

Is he okay?

Uh, yeah.

Biaggio is in there.

(QUIETLY): Okay.

Okay.

See you, bro.

FRANK (VOICE-OVER): So, who's this Kelly?

Is that Patrick's girlfriend?

Yep.

Looking that way.

She looks like a real heartbreaker.

(CHUCKLES)

Yes.

You were very good, Joe.

In the woods, before.

Good?

Yeah.

You were very good.

I was really proud of you.

(CHUCKLES)

Thanks.

Guess I'm a man now, huh?

(LAUGHS)

You're getting there, bud.

No need to rush.

WOMAN (OVER P.A.): Stroke alert.

Fifth floor, building B.

Room 514.

Stroke alert.

So, uh... how are things between you and Carol?

Carol?

You're referring to the spider woman I found in the gutter?

That you found in the gutter, yes.

That's the one. The same. One and the same.

Things, uh... things are actually cooled down between Carol and me.

It's baffling.

Just... I can't quite pinpoint the exact moment when everything went south.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Yeah. It's a puzzle.

Sorry about that one.

It's okay.

It wouldn't have worked anyway.

She didn't...

(SIGHS)

(VOICE-OVER): I don't know, she... she didn't make me nervous.

Not like your mom did, anyway.

And you need that.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

FRANK: Mm-hmm.

(MRS. KEENAN SIGHS)

MR. KEENAN (QUIETLY): I know. I know.

(METALLIC CLANKING AND CREAKING)

(LOUD, LABORED BREATHING)

(BRAKES SQUEAK)


What's going on over there?

(CHUCKLES, SIGHS)

Patrick's just being an idiot.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

(OWL HOOTING)

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪


♪♪


♪♪


♪♪


♪♪


♪♪


♪♪