The Knack... and How to Get It (1965) Script

It's not Iike that. It's an exaggeration.

He has just got a certain success with the Iadies.

That's aII.

I'm not having it!

Out! I can't have this!

In my own house? I can't caII it my own. My own house! Out!

I am a schooIteacher, and I have to concentrate!


Need a steadying infIuence, that's what.

That's what we need in this house, a reaI steadying infIuence.

A monk!

There must be monks or oIder men who are accountants...

...poor oId men in sexIess professions.

''Just come to London? Nowhere to stay?''

And gIad of it we are! No troubIe, us monks.

Or some young Iady, Iooking for a cIean home, in cIean surroundings.

Just watch where you're treading.

-After kicks? -TrampIing eager.

-For a faII. -I'm bound.

-It's aII happening. -It'II end in tears.

And no prince charming with a barrow.

-Drugs. -I'm bound to disappoint.

-PupiIs of her eyes. -Look at her Iooking.

I know what she wants, and it isn't the YWCA.

Hoping, that's what she's doing. Hoping for being debauched.

-Bound to end in tears. -Innocent eyes of bIue.

What her Iegs are waIking her into.

-London? -Yes.


The guest book. PIease restrict your comment to one word.

My chair!

-My chair! -My hair!

What am I going to sit on?

And there are gonna be some changes made.

What was that, CoIin?

Can you spare a moment, ToIen? I don't mind about the chair.

-I reaIize they've got to sit. -My hair!

-You what, CoIin? -Not now. I can't taIk now.

Have you something to say, CoIin?

It was onIy a comment. This is neither the time nor the pIace.

-Got a woman yet, CoIin? -I knew you'd say that.

Shut up.

ShaII I show you, CoIin? ShaII I advise you?

-Women Iike to be dominated. -Keep your advice to yourseIf!


The motorcycle is, I consider, their god, I find.

-Is it? -It's merely high spirits, really.

-Merely? -Every lane's a speedway.

I blame the internal combustion.

-They rule the streets. -I'd rule them. Conscription.

She'II regret she didn't wear a safety device.

I feel for her chest, that's my feeling.

-They've ruined the sea for me. -I'm bound.

Legs up, aII up the road.

-I'm bound by my age. -Skirts up, showing all.

-Where? -Where?

-Who? -Where?

Out aII night and then a windy ride on a motorbike.

-I think not. -That's no behavior.


Brown. You're aII brown. Look at your haII.

-I had to make a start. -Thank you. Out!

Sick and tired of brown next to green. I hate green.

-You'II Iike it when it's done. -If I'd known you was a secret painter--

When it's finished.

-Was you Ieaving an address? -For you?

-I was not. -No more men.

Some young Iady, Iooking for a cIean home with cIean surroundings.

Just come to London, nowhere to stay, and glad of it they are.

Of course, I haven't got a daughter. Silent night, so it doesn't affect me.

If you ask me, they're a new brand of person altogether...

...with their image they give.

If that's all they can say of the hand that suckled them...

...I'm glad I'm on my last left leg.

They're creeping back, the streets are full of them.

-The streets are full of them! -I blame the army.

-It's all strip and look big. -What has the cartoon come to?

They do make better soldiers for it. Some blame the army. I don't.

Which army?

National Service made a man of me, taught me the value of the belly laugh.

-I blame-- -Shut up.

I blame the teachers, if you ask me. That's my opinion.

They have no conception, the teachers, really, I think.

It's all milk in the schools now, isn't it?

-I blame the National Health. -I failed milk.

They should have more tighter teachers, who've seen the world.

I've seen many a foreign part.

Throw out the milk and bring back the belting, I advocate.

That's what I froggle.


Come on up, CharIes, and give me the bIackguard.


-Is it? -They're not in.

-Windsor, are they? -What?

-Tart, is it? -No, I'm Iooking for the YWCA.

-The YW-- -Not here.

We've never seen you before. Never.

-He's been posted for his mother. -Try the orderIy room.

-Are you dancing? -S'cuse boots I am, darIing.

Haven't been west for a tweIvemonth. So, I'm going ginger.

-Married, are you? -No, I'm stiII young.

Your best pIan, I suggest, is the orderIy room.

OnIy we're in our bearskins.


Can't heIp you, Iove. I'm on the bottIing.

-In the schools.... -We walked eight miles.

-I walked 12 miles. -Kip, milk and biscuits.

Can you wonder they're screaming out for roughage?

We walked 20 miles barefoot to save dad's boots.

-Excuse me, the YWCA, pIease. -First right, second Ieft, straight across.

-Can't miss it. -Thanks, awfuIIy.

That's not the YW.

We are here today....

-It's up. -She's in.

-Is it announced? -Here, at the heartbeat of a great nation.

-Here today, great-- -Well-served by the finest.

We walked 30 miles with gun and camera.

-Great, great. -They're trained for it.

Heritage in motion.

God bless her sale and all who bought it, and I'm in labor.

The angIe of incidence is equaI to the angIe of refIection.

The angIe of incidence is equaI to the angIe of refIection.

-The sine of the angIe of incidence... -The sine of the angIe of incidence...

...divided by the sine of the angIe of refraction...

...divided by the sine of the angIe of refraction... constant. constant.

-Not that simpIe, is it? -Sir? That hurt, sir.

You steaming nit, sir.


Served the IittIe bastard right.

No, no! In this beautifuI schooI?

You see, I tried to be unsympathetic, because it's wrong. Isn't it wrong?

I'm a faiIure.

-I never get it where I want it. -I don't think they'd rape me.

-Do you? -I don't know.

-Yes. I mean, no. Why? -Best pIace is tight and hard...

...between the eyes on the bone where it hurts.

I'm usuaIIy just off. Never get a bang-on shot.

-Off? -Rape.

Exchange teacher out at CamberweII. Part-time actress.

-I had a beauty once. -Actress?

Your cIass. She said you have no controI.

Skipping ricochet off a desk Iid right up his nostriI. His Ieft one.

No, I teII a Iie, his right nostriI.

HaIf an inch of yeIIow chaIk vanished from view.

-Very satisfying. -The way your cIass was behaving!

-My cIass? -Their behavior....

Her cIass was doing the behaving! My Iads are made of fIesh.

AII that Ieaping up and down in those.... That's what I behavior!

That's provocative behavior!

We've aII got to make aIIowances, find our equiIibrium.

At every turn, how?

I thought I wouId never see such purity of pattern, absoIute rightness.

I must pIease you, and I think I can. Don't faiI me now.

Or I'II never be abIe to trust myseIf with a woman ever again.

Try it on.

I'm sure. I know, absoIuteIy, I can pIease you.

Show me.

Wait for me.

I thought I wouId never see such purity of pattern, absoIute rightness.

I must pIease you, and I think I can. Don't faiI me.

EIse I shaII never be abIe to trust myseIf with a woman again, ever.

Try it on. I'm sure.

I know I can pIease you. Show me. Wait for me.

I thought I wouId never see such purity of pattern, absoIute rightness.

I must pIease you, and I think can.

Don't faiI me now.

Because I shaII never be abIe to trust myseIf with a woman again, ever.

Try it on.

I'm sure. I know, absoIuteIy, I can heIp you.

-How much is this coat, pIease? -Show me.

Wait for me.

If I shouId see this girI....

ShouId I come across?

Perhaps, wouId you show me? If.... ToIen!

Why aren't you in schooI, CoIin?

-Isn't it nippy? -No.

Free period and a haIf day for me whiIe they have sports.

I don't find it coId. You don't eat the right food.

-It's not that, ToIen. -It's about that spare room.

-You've at Iong Iast decided to Iet. -Listen.

How can I get a--

How can I get a woman?

-Want advice? -How?

-The right food is important. -It's not that, Iisten!

If I shouId see this girI, Iisten, shouId I come across....

WouId you show me?

-You mean, how I get women? -Yes.

-Yes, I mean that. -But you haven't even started.

-The right food. -The right food doesn't--

It's of the utmost importance, of the essence.

One's body needs protein and energy.

Yes, but Iook--

I find that with my perhaps unusuaI sexuaI demands... body requires at Ieast twice the normaI daiIy intake of protein.

I won't need that much, wiII I?

-Protein! -No.

You couId do yourseIf damage. Stoke up the fire, bIock up the chimney.

-Have you got a piece of paper, ToIen? -Cheese, eggs, miIk, meat.

-I drink about four pints of miIk a day. -I want to get it down!

-I eat a pound of steak. -Steak.

Needn't be the most expensive. Cheaper cuts have the same vaIue.

-For instance, skirt. -Skirt.

-Skirt. -Is that it?

Cheese, eggs, miIk, meat, skirt.

-Is that it? -What?

-How you do it? -Skirt is meat.

How, though? How?

I couId teII you what I know inteIIectuaIIy, what my experience has been.

But beyond that, it's intuition.

-And intuition is, to some degree, inborn. -''Intuition is, to some degree, inborn.''

Intuition is, to some degree, inborn.

But the feeIing can be deveIoped with experience and confidence.

In certain peopIe, to some degree, a man can deveIop the knack.

''A man can deveIop the knack.''

A man can develop the knack.

-Look at women. -Yes!

-I can't hear you! -Women.

Not individuals. Just types.

That Iast one had very nice earIobes.


-How do I acquire the knack? -Yes, how? The knack!

Now, first you must estabIish contact.

Yes! Contact?

-I'm busy. -No, you were teIIing me.

-EstabIish contact. -Yes, and I'm not referring to touch.

-Not to touch. -TactiIe communication.

-But that comes Iater. -Touch comes Iater!

Excuse me. I mean, there's a feeIing between you.

A feeIing!

-You're aware of her. -Aware!

-The girI's aware of you. -She's aware!

-There's a vibration between-- -Vibration!

HoId on! It's fine for you with this job.

I don't get this in the common room. Wait, teII me!

Stop! No, don't stop!

The knack! You haven't finished teIIing me!

ToIen! I've wet my trousers!

You know that you need heIp? You do know that, don't you?

Yes. I mean, obviousIy, yes, I need heIp.


TeII me, how many women have you had?

I was Iate starting.

-Two? -Late!

Two women in two years.

Some of us have had more women in two hours.

Late starting!

I have a suggestion to make to you.

A suggestion which I think you'II find interesting...

...and wiII heIp you very much.

-I've been soaked. -It's an idea I've had.

Here, my bed.

Do you think it's any good, me getting a bigger bed?

-Two women in two years. -Late!

Now, I'm cramped in that bed. WiII you shut the window?

-Your bed is ampIe for your needs. -I'm gonna get pneumonia.

-But future pIans? -As you know, I have a number of friends.

-Yes. -Men.

They can heIp you as I can heIp you. I was thinking of Rory McBryde.

-Rory? -McBryde.

-The window! -Rory McBryde is a man.

A cIever man, a gifted man...

...a man I can respect, who knows many things.

Rory McBryde was doing things at 13 that you haven't ever done.

Things you don't know about.

-What sort of things? -In a moment.

-Has he got the knack? Or these things? -First, Iet me teII you my idea.

Look, I reaIIy do need a bigger bed. Don't I, reaIIy?

I have a number of girIfriends.

ReguIar girIfriends, reguIar women, women I reguIarIy make.

-These things-- -Rory has a number of reguIar women, too.

Not quite so many as I have, but severaI.

Rory and I were taIking, comparing notes, and we decided it wouId be a good idea...

...if we saw each other more often, even Iive near each other.

Perhaps in the same house.

-What, here? -Share our women.


Of course, Rory reaIizes it couId be dangerous for him.

-He might Iose a few of his women. -He wouIdn't want that, wouId he?

I mean, it's a big house.

Rory is weII aware that in the Iong run he wiII profit by the arrangement.

He wiII Iearn much from the women who have been with me.


-No? -No, not that spare room.

That spare room needs a steadying infIuence.

I wouId consider Ietting you come in on this arrangement.

-Sharing? -You'd Iearn a great many things.

-What sort of things? -It'd be a priviIege for you.


I feeI you deserve to be heIped.

Look, couIdn't I just share....

-Do you think he wiII? -If I ask him, he wiII.

No, I don't think so.

You'II Iike him. I'II teII him to caII round.

Perhaps not, it's a dirty room. Needs a Iot of work on it.

I wouIdn't Iike any friend of yours.... It needs redecorating.

It's no pIace to share women in and things.

Look, what sort of things?

The bed! The bed's terribIe.

He couId not do....

He couId have my oId one when I get my new one.

Rory McBryde has got a six-foot bed.

-He wouIdn't find mine big enough? -No.

CouIdn't I just share your women?

You don't want him rampaging through the house...

...aII over the pIace with women and things.

A house fuII of women and sharing and doing things that none of us...

...ever dreamt of doing before!

No. I couId not. I couIdn't stand the pace. ReaIIy.

I'm not fussy about Ietting that room because it's aIways as weII having a spare.

You find it very usefuI to avoid cIashes on the stairs, don't you?

-No. I couIdn't stand the pace. -Rory has a Chinese girI.

-SIinky. -SIinky.

Chinese, very sIinky, very nice.

-Do very weII for you. -Chinese?

-I'II teII him to caII round, Iook at the room. -No. I couIdn't stand the pace.

Not two of you. I couIdn't.

I burnt my hand.

-CoIin? -No!

-And a Swedish girI. -Swedish?


No! I couIdn't stand it. It wouId drive me mad.

Two of them? The stairs wouId be on the continuaI go.

AII those women. My bIood's not up to it.

And what about the bathroom? You'd never ever get near to the bathroom.

That's not a gross exaggeration.

I'm not having it.

Having it.


I'm not having it. Having it. No!

Having it. No!

Having it. No! I'm not having it!

Having it. No!

No Rory in my house.

One is enough. One Iot of women is enough for any house.

If a job is worth--

A job is worth nothing these days of jobbery in high places.

-Look at the Cabinet. -You can't get a good cabinet for love.

They don't seem to have the same pride in their craft they used to have.

Craft has been flung out of the window. It's all the human body now.

I adore a piece of wood, its feel.

I hope I always get a kick from the feel of a length of wood.

-Homegrown loans for self-improvement. -He's making improvements all the time.

Two houses in every garage by 1970. You can't say fairer than that.

-Of course, it harbors rats, you know? -Jerry-buiIt. Pardon my French.

There is mastery in a job well done if you have a way with tools.

-A good workman never blames his.... -I do. I blame the screwdriver.

-I like the twist of a good screw. -I'm bound.

You can't get a good splinter these days.

The art's gone out of it. It's quicker by tube.

I'm bound to ask for a good finish.

I say....

-Shame to hide a good screw. -Workers' Playtime.

She took off her wooden leg, and she put it on the mantelpiece.

Then she took out her glass eye. Well, I'll never see the like again.

That is indeed a job.

-I can't get out. -I can't get in.

-But I feeI better. -Is Rory there?

There. Rory. I sent him round.

-In? -There.


-What's he Iook Iike? -TeII him I'II be there.

Never mind.

SmaII, vigorous, baIanced, sensitive in his movements, painting--

Painting? Doesn't sound Iike Rory.

What the heII are you doing in Rory's room?

Who's this?

-It's not? -No, it's not. That window's fiIthy.

-I'II wash them. -You've Iet the room.

-Tom. -CoIin.

The door was open, and I saw it was brown...

...and I thought I'd get stuck in right away before you said no. Just once.

-Your sign. -''Room to Iet.''

-I'II take it. -I hope you'II be happy.

-Look at this fiIth. -ToIen.

-I'm going to wash the windows. -I've got some WindowIene.

Got it.

''Wipe it on, WindowIene, wipe it off, window cIean.''

Washing with water and poIishing with paper wouId have Iess eIectrostatic action.

WouId repeI dirt more efficientIy. Try the other haIf. Go on.

-What? -The other haIf.

You do reaIize that in order to cIean the window you have to wipe off the cIeaner.

The white stuff has to be poIished off the window.

-He's not going to Ieave it on. -You can't Ieave it on.

''Wipe on sparingIy with a dry cIoth, then wipe off immediateIy.''

You're not gonna Ieave that stuff on.

It's as good as net curtains, onIy better.

-Net curtains? -You shouId paint your windows white.

White refIects heat. AII right when the bomb drops.

-What? -Okay when the bomb drops.



YW-YW-YWCA. Martin's Grove, West 2.

It's for me.

Eighth of December.

AIbert HaII.

Rory McBryde.

I'II teII her.

Don't you ever Iet me catch you in here again.


-What's this? -Brown. I can't bear brown.


-What? -I have a friend coming down the stairs.

-I have a friend in NewcastIe. -This furniture....

Doesn't impress me.

She won't Iike cIambering over furniture.

If she was an eIephant, that wouId impress me. TeII me she is.

After being with me, a girI doesn't feeI Iike cIambering over furniture.

After an eIephant, neither wouId you.

-Are you a homosexuaI? -No.

Thanks aII the same.

-ToIen! HoId on! -WouId you come this way, sir?


I'm gIad I didn't put my stockings on.

That damn stuff in the passage, you'II have to move it.

He can use the window.

-I said, move it. -I'm not having it in here.

-I'm not having it in the passage. -I'm not having it in here.

When you take a furnished room, you take the furniture as weII.

-Not that. -What's wrong with my furniture?

I'm not having it in here, that's what's wrong with it.

If I were you, I'd take it to the market.

I beg your pardon. That's my furniture, and I'm not having you seII it.

TypicaI Rory McBryde trick, that.

We can put it on the top Ianding.

-Outside my room? -No. Inside your room.

-I hoped you'd be a steadying infIuence. -That furniture--

-How Iong? -What?

How Iong did you take this time?

-Did you? -How Iong?

-Did you time me? -Did you time yourseIf?

It's the bed, isn't it? That's what does it. And did you? Have you?

-No more than 10 minutes. -10 minutes!

It's the bed. 10 minutes!

Do you think I'm so crude, so vuIgar, as to time myseIf when I'm at a--

-10 minutes. -How big is your bed, ToIen?

Ten minutes from wink to bIink, from start to finish?

From heIIo to good-bye?

Ten minutes. You're sIiding, man. You're sIipping. You're Ietting us down.

You can do better than that.

Faster, man, faster. You've got the capacity.

-No. He's got a six-foot bed. -Listen, ToIen, four.

Dreams, I've got for you.

Four minutes. Four minutes from start to finish.

Get it down to four minutes.

Yours is quite big, isn't it? How big is your bed?

The four-minute miIe. Like the four-minute miIe.

Heroic. Think. A new series in the OIympic games.

British native and aII-comers record.

Yes, and then by discipIine, by training, by appIication...

...three minutes 59 seconds, three minutes 55, three minutes 50.

And then one day, one unimaginabIe day...

...three minutes from start to finish!

-Excuse me. The YWCA, pIease. -Yes.

Then take the first turning over, then once more around Ieft.

There you'II find it.

-Is it nicer faster? -Nice?

-Nice, that's not the point. -I'm getting a new bed.

-What's ToIen's first name? -He says he hasn't got one.

-Not got one? -WeII, he never uses it.

Look, I want.... I wiII want to bring my oId bed down.

-If he never uses it-- -My bed downstairs.

-He must have it. -There's too much stuff in the passage.

-Why do you want to bring it downstairs? -I'm getting another, a bigger one, six-foot.

-Through the window. How big? -Vast.

I know where there's a big bed.


No. I want something sexy, quiIted, with a very Ioud noise.

A IiIt of Irish Iaughter?

If you Iike. I just don't see meseIf in a cast-iron bed.

One mustn't be misIed by apparent metaI fatigue.

I'II take it!

And it's twice as big as ToIen's, aImost.

-I'II take it. -I shouId. It's musicaI.

How much? I don't care. I don't care how much.

Hark at that.

-You want it? -I want it.

At 13, were you promiscuous?

Weren't aII of us, more or Iess, sexuaI faiIures?

-ToIen isn't a sexuaI faiIure. -He needs it five hours a day, he says.

Then he can't be a sexuaI faiIure, can he?

He can't be a sexuaI faiIure.

He can't be a sexuaI faiIure, having it five hours a day, can he?

-And it's bigger than ToIen's. -Is it?

He can't be though, can he?

There. Chat her up.

-Speak to her. Ask her the time. -No.

Ask her to Iend you six pence.

No. You. I want to buy my bed.

Off to the fIat.

-The YWCA? -Yeah.

How much?

-Here? -What? No.

I'II ask if anyone has seen it.

-WiII you take it? -Yes. I'II take it.

Have you seen it?

-Have I seen what? -The YWCA.

She wants....

-Through the streets? -Yes. Through the streets.

-WouId you Iike a Iift? -A Iift?

-I can't bring it round. -To the YW.

-Yes. Is it on your way? -We'II take it. We'II have it. I'II have it.

-We'II waIk it. -CertainIy, it's on our way.

Where is it?

She's coming to the YW.

With that bed?

That's not a bed. It's an Edwardian trampoIine.

-It's a bed. -No. Isn't it, CoIin?

-No. It's my bed. -It's a bed.

With wheeIs. It's wheeIed traffic.

-WheeI it away. Come on. -Wagon, ho!

Mods and rockers.

My bed!

There's not a bus route in London free of its share of youth, vice.

Hand back the city to those with their fair share of legs.

They'll do anything but use the good feet they were born with.

-Anything but walk. -Mine's the same.

They'll settle.

I wouldn't be seen dead on a bed, from a personal angle.

It's a young man's game.

I mean, I'm broad-minded, but a bed's place is definitely in the home.

-Definitely. -We have our own sleeping arrangements.

Mods and rockers.

See that?

Just a minute. I'II be back.

Excuse me, sir. You're wanted on the other fern.

It's aII initiative now.

I don't personaIIy subscribe to that sort of program.

They'II answer in court.

I come from Hampton Wick myseIf, so I'm used to innuendo.

-There's no nationaI heritage anymore. -No. It's aII on the NationaI HeaIth.

I was never given the opportunity... so much as breaststroke before I was sent to sea...

...and I'm much better for it.

What's the most frightening buiIding in London?

Great Ormond Street HospitaI for ChiIdren.

I beIieve you're right.

What's that?

Great Ormond Street HospitaI for ChiIdren.

That's nice. That's true. That's a nice thing to say.

Do you think so?

-I've been picked up, haven't I? -Have you?

Yes, I have, haven't I?

Like a howdah.

-A what? -Howdy do!

Like on an eIephant.

You know, the Indians keep eIephants the way we keep cows.

It's true.

I aIways wondered how big an eIephant's udder was.

My God. Imagine it swishing round and round.

In WaIt Disney's earIy fiIms, there were cows and the censor cut the udders out.

Yeah, so he put brassieres on them. Imagine.

Jersey cows wear brassieres, it's true. Jersey cows wear brassieres.

There's something wrong there. Cows shouIdn't need brassieres.

Human beings need them because they stand upright.

They used to go on aII fours, and they hung downwards, verticaIIy.

Now they stand upright, and it puts on this terribIe strain.

AII right. AII right, but it's true.

-That wouIdn't arise with eIephants. -I wish you'd push more and taIk Iess.

Showing off.

-I don't show off. -And you do.

-Wait tiII ToIen sees my bed. -ToIen?

-Yeah, you won't Iike ToIen. -No.

-I Iike who I want to Iike. -Good. You won't Iike him.

-She might Iike ToIen or Rory. -Come on. Up.

How can you teII when an eIephant's been in the fridge?

He Ieaves footprints in the butter.

-You knew. -I don't.

-I've heard it before. -Don't show off.

Look! Your end!

-It'II never go. -It wiII.

-I do, sometimes. -Never.

-You're not! -I am!

My Ieg! I hurt my Ieg.

She's in there.

I know she's in there.

I recognized your voice. You've got my daughter in there.

I recognize her voice, too. Raves. You havin' raves?

-Has it become one Iong rave? -I won't say any more.

Just get your cIothes on.

I've just.... I don't Iive here.

-You're the one. -The one?

She's in there.

-Did you want someone? -With Rory McBryde.

Does he Iive here?

-What, you don't Iive here? -No.

-AII right for my daughter. -Does she Iive here?

-You trying to be funny? -No. I don't Iive here. ShaII I get them?

-She's never out of there. -Is it a friend? 'Cause the door's bIocked.

You first introduced her to the hemp from the Orient.

-Me? -She comes home fuII of it.

-ShaII I get them? -With Rory McBryde.

-ToIen? -ToIen?

Dear. You're right. Wrong bIoke.

I can't keep track.

-WeII, you're not them. -No.

I don't think so. I don't know him.

Whatever you do, don't Iet them force you to submit to the hemp.

-Good afternoon. -Right, then, Mr. Hemp.

We were just a-chatting about you. CoId enough for you?

They don't Iike that, you know. They must hear that 20 times a day.

If you do see my daughter, you teII her Rory's got a bigger bed.

Where's CoIin?

Look out!

-That haII. -My Ieg.

That bIoody haII!

-Look. I've hurt my Ieg. -I can't get up to my room.

I can't get in the front door.

-What about my Ieg? -I don't care about your Ieg.

What about access?

-You can have that. You can have access. -Just got to do a bit of cIimbing, that's aII.

ShouId be a sparkIe, see your girIfriends cIimbing over that.

I toId you about that mess in the haII, didn't I?

The thing is, you don't impress me.

That mess.

-What mess? -You made a mess....

-Jack? -No.

-I mean that bIoody bed. -Don't swear.

-Just come off the boat, have you? -See CoIin about the mess.

It's his house, mate. It's not yours.

Now, CoIin. TeII him I want access.

-Lions. -Lions.

-Lions. -Must you be so chiIdish?

-What? -CoIin!

Want to know how they train Iions to stand on boxes?

-Access, CoIin. -I'II teII you how they train them.

Now first, you must have a box. This bucket.

Look. Now, imagine that this is the Iimit of the cage...

...the bars.

-Must you be so chiIdish? -ChiIdIike.

Now, the trainer takes his whip. Whip. Whip.

No. We'II do without a whip. A Iion. Must have a Iion.

Who'II be a Iion? Anyone. Anyway, he takes the box in his Ieft hand...

...and the whip, imagine the whip, in his right.

And he advances on the Iion. And he drives, ''Back! Back! Back!''

To the bars.

This is a criticaI moment, when the Iion reaIizes...

...that he must Ieap at his attacker. Otherwise, it'II be too Iate.

The trainer recognizes the criticaI moment.

So at the moment the Iion rears to attack, the trainer draws back...

...and the Iion, no Ionger threatened, drops his forepaws...

...and finds himseIf standing on the box.

Do this a few times, you've trained a Iion to stand on a box.


How did the box get there?

-You've stiII got it in your hand. -The trainer puts it there.

-When? -Look. Here, Iook. I'II be a Iion.

-Makes you feeI sexy. -I'II be a Iion.

-AII right. -And me.

If I roared into something, it'd make more resonance.

Look, that's the Iion's box.

This, then.

-You can't have that. -It's aII right.

-Yeah, yeah! -Roar!

You shouId wear a carrier bag more often.

You're exciting him. Don't you reaIize he's a desperate man?

Just a minute.

-I'II be trainer, then, shaII I? -AII right.

AII right, ready?

Back! Come on! Back!

Just think what you couId do with a reaI whip.

A reaI whip.

Some tea. Some tea you've indicated.

I hurt my head.

Put it through the waII.


Come on.

-Come on. -KettIe's boiIing.

CoIin, throw that carrier bag away. Away!

ShaII we get the bed straight?

The YWCA, that's where?

-Where is it? -Address?

Martin's Grove, West 2.

Where's that?

I'II get the map.

-Thanks. -That's aII right.

-Thanks. -Don't mention it.

I'II get you some tea.

You've got Chinese eyebrows.

Chinese eyebrows. Very cIear arch, very deIicate.

-Have I? -Have you got a mirror? I'II show you.

-What's your name? -Nancy.

-Nancy Jones. What's yours? -ToIen.

ToIen? ToIen what?


I see, Iike Mantovani.

-Pardon? -Like Mantovani.

Nothing Mantovani, Mantovani nothing.

-WouId you teII me what you mean? -Have you not heard of him?

He's a conductor. He conducts.

-Is it your surname or your Christian name? -Surname.

-What's your Christian name? -I prefer not to use it.


I don't use it. I have no first name. I never use my first name.

What's the matter? Is there anything the matter with you?


-Why are you so nervous? -I'm not.

You Iook nervous.

Me, nervous?

-Do I? -Yeah.

-Yeah? -Nothing.

-What's the matter? -It's--

-WeII? -It's--

You are nervous, aren't you? Very nervous.

-Why don't you take your coat off? -I don't want to.

-My dear, you wiII take it off. -I don't want to.

-Why don't you want to? -It's--

-Yes? -You're Iooking at me.

-Am I? -Yeah.

-How am I Iooking? -I don't know.

How am I Iooking?

-Yes? -What I--

-What? -I don't know.

-What? -I feeI--

You feeI funny.

Don't you? Go on, teII me. Go on, teII me.

Don't you think you'd better find a CathoIic girIs' refuge?

I'm not a CathoIic.

You'II find the address in any Iadies' Iav, any raiIway station.

How do you know?

There was a IittIe piggy before there was an eIephant. That's true.

And this IittIe piggy had two great big front teeth that stuck out.

However, there are certain advantages in being big.

You can eat off trees and things, Iike horses.

-For you, this is remarkabIy incoherent. -ReaIIy? Thanks.

This creature got big, and it grew an enormous, great Iong jaw.

So that it couId scoop up vegetation.

An enormous jaw, seven-foot-Iong, you can imagine.

As big as a door.

Now, a seven-foot jaw invoIves certain difficuIties... getting the food from the front of the jaw to the back.

It had to use its upper Iip to shoveI the garbage aIong.

-You watching, CoIin? -The upper Iip began to grow.

It grew so big it began to do aII the work...

...and the creature didn't bother about the jaw.

As you know--

-Why don't you Iook at me? -I can't.

-As you know-- -Why can't you?


As you know, any organ not in constant use atrophies.

The jaw began to shriveI and shriveI, and....

And so, drop off.

Not that you need worry about anything Iike that.

Come on, why?

-Why, then? -I'II Iaugh!

-Why? -You'II make me Iaugh.

-Why? -You wiII.

-WiII I? -Yeah.

Come on, then. Look at me.

Look at me.

Laugh, Iook at me, Iaugh, Iook at me. Laugh, Iaugh, Iaugh.

AII right, CoIin, she's aII yours.

-What? -You have a try.

-Me? -Yes.

Has Cardiff got big docks?

-What? -Has Cardiff got big docks?

-What? -WeIsh.

-WeIsh? -Aren't you?

-Where did you say the YWCA was? -WaIes?

It was the name, ''Jones.''

Is it far?

-Pardon? -Is it far?

No, no, not very.

-27 bus. -I'm off.

And as for you, Mr. ''onIy-one-name,'' Mr. ''no-name,'' as for you....

-My Honey. Give me my Honey. -You want your magazine?

-You see, it's not difficuIt. -That's it!

I need this room, ToIen. Stay out of this room!

-The bed. Shift the bed. -Shift it yourseIf!

We'II shift it.

-You'II shift it! -PIease!

AII right, the best pIace for it is outside ToIen's room.

-No, pIease, I want it in my room. -He wants it shifted!

-What am I gonna sIeep on, the stairs? -Why have you got such a big bed?


I want another one, that's why. I wanted another one.

A bigger one. You know.

Because it's more comfortabIe. And it's just in case.

And to me, it is very important that I can aIways put up my married cousins.

Come on, then.

No one's going to rape you.

No. GirIs don't get raped unIess they want it.

Want it?

I'm sorry about what happened. It was very cIumsy.

-That's right. -It was because they were here.

The cIumsiness, I mean.

-Was it? -In a way, yes.

Do you beIieve me?

PIease, beIieve me.

-It doesn't matter. -It does matter.

It matters very much.

It matters very much to me.

How sweet you are.

Such a sweet face. Such sweetness.

Come upstairs.


Come up.

Come upstairs.

-Where is he? -Who?


I've got some records upstairs.

You'II Iike TheIonious, he's very deep. Very satisfying.

You'II Iike his music.

-I'II pIay you some of his records upstairs. -Not in my house.

-What? -I'II come, too.

-You wiII? -I'II come.

-Where? -To find it.

-What? -The YW.

Why don't you go and Iook for the YWCA?

-You're coming, aren't you? -WeII....

-Come on. -What about the cases?

-Cases? -I can't go without them.

-He'II Iook after 'em. -Who wiII?

-He wiII. -Me?

-Where are you going? -I'm going out.

-Yes, I'd Iike a waIk. -So wouId I.

-The cases? -You stay here.

Why shouId I?

-You couId stay here. -Why?

Who'd Iook after the cases?

-He can. -Who can?

-Tom can. -He's got his painting to do.

-Can't they just stay here? -No, I need them at the YW.

There's no YW up there.

I'm not having my house turned into a common boarding house.

You don't know what you're coming to, striding forth.

That's it. The thing is--

Get those waIIs cIean. A nice dusty brown throughout.

-And there's no mixing on the stairs. -Are you coming?

-To the YW? -Can't just you and me go?

-WeII-- -WeII?

I don't think I reaIIy--

-You said you did. -Did I?

-What about the cases? -Why don't you go?

-Me? -If you're going, why don't you go?

-Let's go for a waIk. -What about the cases?

-Why don't you carry them? -Her?

-Yeah. -She can't carry them.

-She's aIready carried them here. -She can't carry them!

Why don't you carry them?

-I want both hands free. -Smooth, dear.

-Where are you going? -Anywhere.

-Do you want to? -Do you want me to?

If you want to, yeah.

-Are you going to the YW? -Maybe.

-Can I come, too? -What about the cases?


Stay with them, CoIin. Stick with them!

-How does ToIen do it? -He hasn't, has he, yet?

-What? -Done it.

Come on.

-The cases. Come on! -I'm coming.

Come back! This is bound to end in tears!

Come back here!

Stop it. You're touching me. Keep off.

Keep off. Do you hear?

Don't touch me.

AII right?

Now. Now, then.

What is it? What do you want from me?

What you tryin' on? What you trying to do?

Smarty mister. You smart, Mr. Smarty? You think....

You think you're aII right. You think you're pretty cIever.

You do, don't you, Mr. Smarty, tight trousers?

Mr. Tight Trousers. Mr. Narrow SIacks. You think you're the kit, the cat's.

I'II show you, Mr. Tight Trousers.

Just you don't better come near me, do you hear?

Just you don't better come near me. Just you, weII, come near me....

Mr. Tight SIacks. Mister.... Come near me. Come near me.

Come near me! Come! Come!

-Did she-- -I never touched her, did I?

-I knew it'd end Iike this. -You know I don't need....

-How many women have I got? -Didn't think you'd go this far.


-WeII, is she dead? -Dead?

-She's not. -It's been my constant fear.

-I knew this wouId happen one day. -She's not.

Why not reIax, know what I mean? You're so carried away.

-Feather. -You know how it is.

-She's not. -It's happened.

-Did you touch her neck at aII? -No, not round, no.

See if there are marks of vioIence around the neck.

I have this fataI knack.

-Me? -Contusions.


I don't Iike that sort of thing.

-Breathing. -Warm was she?

That's right.

-Was she breathing? -I don't know.

At Ieast she's decent now.

-Wasn't she decent before? -That kind of girI?

-The puIse is the thing. -Have you had deaIings with the puIse?

-She was disgusting. -Kiss of Iife.

She'd enjoy that.

-You. -Me?

-FeeI her puIse. You attacked her. -I did not. Did I?

-I didn't, did I? -I didn't, did I?

I haven't got the knack to make a girI Iie on her back in the rain.

It's not raining.

The same thing happened to a friend of mine... Chatham RoyaI NavaI Yard.

Both were wafted away in an ambuIance.

-Both? -You didn't go, ToIen.

Not me. It'd take more than that.

No, he fIaked out. He was in the navy.

-Both of them were. -She's not dead.

HoId it under her nose.

PuIse. I can't find a thing.

Have they got it in the same pIace as us?

-Feather? -Perfect. Yes.

-FeeI her heart. -You feeI it.

I'II not feeI her heart.

-ToIen! -Feather, yes.

-She's stiII warm. -Doesn't mean a thing.

-She's not. -She wouId be, wouIdn't she? Warm.

I've been raped.


-Raped. -Good. She's aII right.

-Raped. -You see? You see what happens?

I didn't, you know. I did not rape that girI.

-I mean, me? I ask you, now, is it IikeIy? -Raped.

-I've had 'em in queues. You've seen. -Raped.

-FIash birds in aII manner of rousy gear. -Rape!

Lock her up. That's my reaction, because she can get into troubIe.

-Not me. -A cup of tea. Hot, sweet tea.

Soon forget her rape nonsense, and you can get the knack again.

-Rape. -You don't know the fears.

-It's been my Iife's fear. -Get a gag on her and Iock her up.

My bike. My bIeeding tires!

-She must be stopped. -That'II have to be pushed.

-They'II be ruined, those tires. -Stop her.


Now, Iisten, Iet's taIk about this bike.


-Get out. -Let me have a word.

-Hand. Get.... Good. Back, back. -Over the.... HoId on, hoId on.

-They're aImost human, aren't they? -They're very good.

I hear they're aII doped to make them perform.

-Look at the IoveIy bears. -They do Iook so funny.

They don't.

Don't Ieave me.


Just tidying up the park.


-Rape. -Not today, thank you.

-Rape. -There she is.


Faster. The four-minute miIe. Get it down to four minutes.


-Rape. -My God, my records.

She's breaking your records. The thing is, you must take it Iike a man.

Not TheIonious.

Listen. She's stopped.

Now, Iet's Iook at this objectiveIy. Some tea.

You'II feeI better after a nice cup of tea, I'm sure.

I can hear you. PIotting who's next on the job, aren't you?

I'II get the tea on.

-Now, then. -Rape.

-My dear girI. -Rape!

-This aII-- -Rape!

-This is aII-- -Rape.

-A fantasy. -This is aII a fantasy.


-Starkers. Bare buff. -Let me see.

-Get back. -Fantasy.

-She was never raped. -10 years, and I'II sue you for paternity.

-The tea, the tea. -Get in there and rape her.

She's got nothing on.

-Me? -Right, go on, ToIen.

She wants you to rape her. That's what it's aII about.

So go in there, heIp her out of her IittIe fantasy...

...and aII wiII be weII.

-But why me? -It's your room.

And you have got the knack.

-I used to have. -Satisfy her.

She wants raping, so go in there and rape her.

I'm not being done twice.

She must be examined now by a confident, competent physician..., before she gets raped.

These persons have raped me.

-How do we know? -You, yeah, before we arrived.

You don't beIieve that, do you?

Very nasty situation here. Dear me. Yes, very nasty.

ParticuIarIy vicious and so criminaI.

Yes, that's it. PositiveIy criminaI. They ought to be toId.

Somebody shouId. I shaII phone 'em.

The poIice, ScotIand Yard. WhitehaII, one-two-one-two.

Rape, rape, rape, rape.

Come on, ToIen.

-Why don't you, then? -Indeed, I can't.

I've got this bone in me Ieg.

No, I'd Iove to heIp you, but--

Here, what day is this? It went cIean out of my head.

I can't get invoIved raping girIs today.

December 8, AIbert HaII. I want my suit.

-What? Your suit? -CertainIy. The mohair. Excuse me.

Very good. In you go.

And whiIe you're putting it on, you can heIp with our....

Just a minute.

Listen, my girI. Shut up. Now, then....

Just shut up.

There you are.

I know you've got nothing on underneath that. Now....

You need a firm taste of....

You just Iisten to me. I was there aII the time.

And I saw it aII, as a matter of fact.

I can assure you that you have not been raped, as it were.

You're bound to say that, aren't you?

Yes. So you can go home and feeI intact.

-It was you. -Me?

-It was you raped me. -No, no.

-You're making a terribIe mistake. -You'II get 10 years. CIothes.

-On. There's a good girI. -I'II report you. CIothes.

-CIothes? -Tore them off me.

-No. -Where are they, then?

-Where? -In your house.

I can expIain.

No one wouId ever guess.

-Lust. -That face.

-Lust. -LittIe did his pupiIs think....

-Little did his pupils think... -Shut up!

-And you never can teII, can you? -That face. No girI wouId ever suspect.

-No? -But underneath, Iust.

No, never.

LittIe did his pupiIs reaIize that beneath the handsome exterior...

...of their taII, fair-haired, bIue-eyed schooIteacher...

...there Iurked the heart of a beast...

...Iusting for the bIood of innocent virgins.

LittIe did they.... You wait'II you see the Sunday 'zette.

Have I reaIIy?


Got a handsome exterior?

LoveIy hands.

AII right, Iove, feeIing better?

Come round if you feeI Iike it.

AIbert HaII. It's informaI. Just a smaII gathering. A few friends.

Women friends. Rory McBryde and I have many friends.

In a manner of speaking, it's a reunion.

Most of our girIfriends wiII be there, you know, in the guest book upstairs.

We needed a Iarge haII.

Of course, not quite so many as me...

...but a few.

It's a get-together, you see? FeeIing better now, then?

You see. Nobody raped you.


You can get some cIothes on, and I'II--

CoIin did her. Raped her.


He's a sexuaI incompetent.

-What's that? -Not good at it.

No good? Get on. He's marveIous. He raped me.

Now, then! Now, then, you've not been raped.

-I have. -Never, no.

He's rugged.

And handsome.


WiII you come round?

Get some.... And come round. Have a drink.

I'd Iike you both to meet Rory, if you feeI Iike it.

-Tom. -And IoveIy hands.

-And he raped me marveIous-super. -Now, come on!


Why not? Think I couIdn't?

-Yeah. -Shut up.

Adieu. I am not incapabIe. No, no.

Go on, out. I'II show you.

I didn't reaIIy, but I'd Iove to.

-I mean, I did, didn't I? -Yes.

You don't know one end of a woman from....

CouId you fiII the AIbert HaII?

It's exaggeration.

I mean, Rory's got these friends, that's aII. I've got one or two reguIar.

Not as many as Rory, but....

Don't you feeI tired?

I mean, after aII that rape?

I feeI, you know....

-No, how do you feeI? -You know, sort of funny.

-Not nervous? -No.

-Go on. -What?

Keep asking me. Ask me what eIse I feeI.

-Look at me. -Yes?

-You make me Iaugh. -And me.

Tom, excuse me.

-CoIin? -Upstairs.

Is she moving in?

-I imagine so. -I see.


Do you approve of that sort of thing?

Laugh, then.


Yes, Iaugh.

Go on.

It wouId be IoveIy to see you Iaugh.

There's a time and pIace for everything.

That's what I aIways say, and I aIways keep my pIace.

This is neither the time nor the pIace. Mods and rockers.

I've kept my eyes open on that washing Iine.

And it's not aII what you'd expect three Iads to wear...

...which makes suspicious reading, to my way of thinking.

-She's moving in. -I'm bound.

-Got the whoIe idea from teIevision. -Very bound.

He's Iiving with her. I mean, she's moving in.

And not married, either. They're Iiving together....