The Last American Virgin (1982) Script

You sure you know which ones go where?

I'm sure, Gino.

That's what you told me yesterday.

I ended up driving 12 anchovies to a customer's house.

That's 'cause of your lousy handwriting.

I can't read the address.

You ought to spend more time in school... instead of cruisin' around with broads in my car.

Then you'd learn how to read.

Now come on, hurry up.

And this time bring the car back.

Gino, you said I could have it tonight.

What are you tryin' to do, ruin me?

I ain't in the rent-a-car business.

Let's go. The pizzas are gettin' cold.

And don't squish the boxes.

Be careful how you drive!

I'll take a rocky road.

Pink bubble gum, please.

Pink bubble gum?

Yeah, it's the flavor of the month.

Rocky road.

Oh, thank you.

What do you want?

A rocky road.

She's fine, isn't she?

Yeah, do you know her?

Never saw her before in my life.

Hey. You know those three chicks over there?

Where? Right there.

You don't mean those three alien creatures... sittin' over there, do you?

David's just telling me that they're easy lays.

You're imagining easy lays.

I'm not imagining. Listen, Gary...

Tommy's brother screws that blonde like he owns her.

Bullshit. Will you look at 'em? They're virgins.

They're not. I can tell by the way they walk. Right, Rick?

That brunette ain't no virgin.

Look at the way she's suckin' on that straw.

I'm wasting my time here. Count me out.

Hey, cool it for a second, Gary. This could be interesting.

David, why don't you walk over there... and invite the three ladies back to our table?

No problem.

Hi, girls. How's it goin' tonight?

Seriously, will you count me out, Rick?

Hey, do you want to get laid or not?

I'd rather screw Godzilla than them.

Do you have the key to your grandmother's house?

No, but we can go to my house. My parents went out.


Hi, ladies. Hi.

Sit down.

I'm Rick.

This is Gary.

You've met the Big Apple.

I'm Millie.

I'm Roxanne.

Hi, I'm Brenda.

Let's not let the party go on without us, girls.

What party?

The best party in town, sweetheart.

Tell 'em about it, Gary.

Yeah, it's gonna be great.

There's great music and people, and...

What about drugs?

Well, we have uppers, downers... a little bit of smoke.

All kinds, right guys?

What about coke? Yeah.

Coke? Yeah.

Yeah, lots of coke.

Of course.

Yeah, we have a whole big... plenty of coke.

Well, what do you say, ladies?

No. I say no.

Told you they were hot to trot. Shut up.


OK, what's the verdict, girls?

Well, as long as you keep your hands to yourselves... and get us home by 12:00.

A quarter till 12:00.

You know I have to be home at a quarter till 12:00.

You guys fight later.

We have a party to go to, right?


Step right in, ladies.

Relax, the place is ours.

Gary's parents are out of town.

Everybody make yourselves at home.

Where is everybody?

They should be here any minute. Yeah, they're on their way.

I don't like this.

Would you like to dance?


How about you? Would you like to dance?

Oh, yeah, sure.


You know, you're a great dancer.

Yeah, I know.

Would you like to dance? I really don't care.

Well, you don't care yes... or you don't care no?

It doesn't make any difference.

So, what do you say we dance?

I don't care.

What do you think about this song?

I really don't care.

What do you care about?

Listen, don't start that small talk with me.

It's not gonna help you anyway.

You're not gonna get anything from me.

Listen, I didn't... I really don't care.

Please don't, Rick.



Please stop.


I think maybe we should go. No.

We don't even know where we are.


What about the drugs?

What about the drugs?

What about the drugs?

They're in the kitchen.

They're in the kitchen.

They're in the kitchen.

They're in the kitchen. Yeah.

So you girls sit tight, and we'll be right back.

You better think of something quick.

Why the hell did you have to promise 'em drugs?

Because that's what they wanted.

You shouldn't have promised them anything.

If I didn't promise them something... they would've never come, right?

What are we supposed to do now?

Wait a second. You got any Sweet'N Low?

Here we are, girls. The best stuff in town.

Yeah, fresh from Peru.

And crispy chips.

One hit, and you'll be flyin'.

Really good stuff!


I love it.

This is the best Colombian I've ever had.

Want another line? You mean, like, now?


No, no. No, thanks a lot.

Good stuff, huh?


Hey, Brenda. Can I talk to you inside for a second?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Gee, it's sort of dark in here.

Yeah, I guess the bulb kinda burnt itself out.

Sit down.

So, what did you want to talk to me about?

You know.

I know what?

You know.

You sorta like me, huh?


You got white stuff all over your nose.

So do you. I do.

This coke is kinda sweet.

It's really good stuff.

Yeah, the best.

David, what are you doing?!

Excuse me.

Let's take our business elsewhere.


Now, you two have fun.

Do you want a chip?

Thank you.

David, please don't.

Look, I don't wanna take my blouse off.

I just met you tonight.

But what about Roxanne and Millie?

What about them?

They don't seem to be having any problems.

But I'm not on the pill.

Me, neither.

The patio?

Yeah, go out on the patio and count to 100... and when you're finished, I'll be already undressed.


In bed.

You sure?

I'm sure.

I'll be on the patio.


I'll be countin'.

One, two, three... four, five, six... seven, eight, nine... ten, eleven, twelve... thirteen, fourteen...

Would you like a chip? What?

A chip... would you like one?

No, thanks.

It really was. You were wonderful.

Gary, are you home?

What the hell is going on here?

Hal, I think your son should explain what's going on here.

Gary, what the hell is going on here?


I'd like you to meet my parents.





Oh, my God! I'm having a heart attack!

Hal! Just don't stand there!

I want these tramps out of here!

Gary, get them out of here.

Millie, can I borrow your breath spray?

I'm dying!

I'm dying.

Hurry up!

All right. Where to now?

I think we should just call it a night.

No, come on, let's go to the beach!

Wait a minute. Where's David?

This is terrible.

I want you to lay down.

Lay down and rest. All right. I will.

Please just do me a favor. Just please go... and get me two aspirin and some water, please.

And then close the door.

Oh, what a mess.

96, 97, 98...

99, 100.

Not now, Hal.


Mrs. Spencer, what are you doing here?

What am I doing here? What are you doing here?!

Oh, Hal!

I brought you a couple of...

Mr. Spencer!

What the hell is going on here?!

You don't understand. She told me to go outside, and...

I did not! He tried to rape me!

Rape?! No! No!

Get out of my house! Get out of my house!

You pervert! Get out of my house!

Shame on you!

Here he comes!


Come on, David!

You're in your fucking underwear!

Hey, guys, you know something? What?

Your parents are home.


What are you doin', Victor?

Looks like we've got ourselves a peeping tom, guys!

I wasn't peeping.

I was just...

I was just looking at the board.


Victor's got himself a hard-on.

What are you hiding, Victor?

It's none of your business.

Buzz off, blimp.

OK, OK, come on, guys. Let's lay off him.

I mean, it's too small to see, anyway, right?

Oh, yeah? I just bet you guys wish you had what I have.

Bullshit, Victor.

Put your money where your mouth is.

Money? Now he's talkin'.

All right, listen up, guys. Everybody put in a buck... and the man who's got the biggest tool... he's the one who wins the pool.

3 and 1/2.

Rick is here!

Holy shit.

It's alive!

Jesus Christ.

That's nine inches.

Nine? Who are you trying to cheat?

It's 9 and 1/2. Measure it again.

We're not including your balls, Victor.

Neither am I. Look, it's mine. I should know what it is.

OK, you want to give him the extra 1/2 inch?

9 and 1/2 for Victor!

One, two, three, four.

Thank you.

Hey, Gary. Hi.

Don't strain your eyeballs.

Hey, you know who she is?

Which one?

The one with the purple streak in her hair?

No, the other one, turkey.

I think her name is Karen. Karen what?

I don't know. She just moved here about a week ago.

Can you find out where she lives?

Sure, no sweat.

For a small fee, I think I can find out.

Good morning. Oh, morning.

Is something wrong?

I'm not sure.

Well, let me have a look.

Looks like you have a flat.

Can it be fixed?

I don't know.

You must have run over some small glass or something.

Do you have a pump? No.

Oh, darn, I'm gonna be late for school.

Can I give you a lift? Which way are you going?

To Roosevelt High. So am I!

So be my guest. OK.

Can I offer you some pizza?

No, thank you.

How about a big meatball sandwich?

No, thanks. I just had breakfast.

What's your name?


Sharon? Karen.


Karen... with a ''K. ''

Oh, ''Karen. '' Why didn't you say so?

I just did.

Thanks for the ride.


Karen! Hold on a second.

I wanted to ask what you were doing tonight.

I'm afraid I'm busy.

Oh. That's too bad.

Because I know about this really happening party tonight.

Sorry. There's always a next time.

Thanks again, Gary.


Let me ask you something straight out.

Go ahead.

Do you have a boyfriend?



Thanks again, Gary.

Come on, move!

That's it, get that lead out of your ass.

One, two, three!

Hey, shake it.

Hey, Big Apple, what's going on?

Gary, where have you been? My parents. Don't ask.

Don't worry about it. You came at the perfect time.

The place is really jumping.

Hey, give me a cigarette.

Come on, I only have nine left. Put it on my bill.

Jesus Christ. You know, you guys.

Hey, Gary, guess who's here?

Who? Karen.

She's right over there dancing with Rick.

It doesn't take old lover boy very long, does it?

He's on her like flies to shit.

Come on, you might as well just forget about her.

Maybe he'll give you sloppy seconds.

My pleasure, madam.

Oh, mine, too.

I want you to meet my two very best friends.

Gary, David, how you guys doing?

Listen, I want you to meet the love of my life.

Gary, this is...

Hi, Karen. Hi, Gary.

So you two have met before?

Yeah, I guess you can say that.

Karen, hi, there you are.

I've been looking for you all night.

Oh, hi, Rose.

Rose, this is Rick.

And this is Gary.

Hi, Gary.

Oh. Hi, Rose.

All right, let's cut this shit... and now let's all get serious.

May I have this dance, princess?


Would you like to dance, Gary?

Let's dance.

Rose, I don't know...

Come on, dance with me.

You and Rose are pretty tight, huh?

I guess. Why?

It looks like she's a little bit more than hot for Gary.

I think it would be great if they hit it off.

Have we done that?

Done what?

Hit it off.

I really love this song.

This song just drives me crazy.

Yeah, it's great.

Will you excuse me for one minute?


Excuse me. I'll be back in a minute.

May I?


Looking real foxy tonight.

What's the matter with you? Are you drunk?

Not yet. I'm just getting started.

Well, seems like you're off to a pretty good start.

The night's still young.

I'm just getting ready for the good part.

Hey, do you want some?

Oh, no thanks. I'll pass.

How's about a big meatball sandwich, huh?

You and Rick are pretty good friends, aren't you?

Yeah. We're partners, you know? Tight.

You sure like him, don't you?

Why do you ask?

I don't know. I just felt like asking.

Hey, there you are, my beautiful baby.

I was looking all over for you.

Well, I was just talking to Gary.

Gary. I think you better lighten up on that stuff, man.

It'll turn your brain to shit.

Hey, man, take it easy!

Watch it, jerk!


Hey, you're fucking wrecked, man.

Get it together.

David, will you take care of him, please?

We got a freak-out on our hands.

Come on, Gary, it's me... David.

What's the matter with you, man?

Hi, David.

You're ruining it for everybody.

Come on, let's take him out by the pool.

No, I don't want to go.

No, I don't want to go.

Listen, I want you to go home, get a good night's sleep... and in the morning you'll feel 100%% % better.

Thanks, pal.

Look, you go on. Go on. I'll be all right.

Are you sure you don't want me to drive you home?

You're gonna get my seats wet, and my boss is gonna kill me.

Get in the car, come on.

David? What?

Are you going back to the party?

Of course, what do you think?

Give her my best, will you?

To who?

To her... Karen.

Oh, Karen, of course. Yeah. Come on, get in.

David, make sure to tell her I love her madly.

OK, I'll tell her your love for her is highly spiritual.

OK? Now come on.


No problem.

Don't forget.

I won't.

Just be careful, all right?



Why don't you come in... and introduce yourself to our guests?


You'll never get over how much he's grown... since the last time you've seen him.

Hi, everybody!


Oh, my goodness, Martha, how this young man has grown!

Are you in high school already, Gary?

Gary, Mrs. Roswell is asking you a question.

Oh, I am so sorry.

He hasn't been feeling well lately.

What this young man needs is a long, cold shower.

Oh, yeah?

Only if you join me, baby.

'Cause I know what you need.

Good night, Gary.

Gary, I want you to take this tray back into the kitchen... and then go to your room!

Good night, Gary.

Good night, everybody!

Good night, Gary!

Good night, Mrs. Roswell.

Good night, Gary.

Good night, My Mrs. Roswell Good night, my love Sleep tight, my Mrs. Roswell Sleep tight, my love Good night No, please, nobody get up.

We'll clean it up in the morning.

An isosceles is a triangle which has two equal sides.

A scalene is a triangle with no equal sides... like so.

We have A, B, C.

Now, let's review yesterday's problem on page 74.

What did we say about the relationship... between two squares bisected by lines... both horizontal and vertical?




Gary, please stand up and illustrate the theory.


Gary, please answer.

See, it's really very simple.


Take the side that's longest.

You take the side that's longest.

And then... And what?

And then you...

And then BC.

And then BC... you know, the lines cross.

And then?

And then you... sorry.

And then? And then... and then... and then...

And then you shove it up your ass.

Un momentita... I'm coming.

Pizza delivery.

Ah, my pizza.

Come on in, chico.

Carmela is pleased to see such a beautiful delivery.

Where should I put these?

Why don't you put the pizza in the kitchen.

Over there?

And put the bottles in the fridge.


How much do you charge, my little pizza boy?

It's $7.50 for the pizza... and $1.50 for the drinks.

It's nine bucks.

Jesus, lady, I'm s...

I'm sorry. It slipped.

Here, let me clean it up.

Don't worry, it's nothing.

Could've happened to anyone.

Taste it. It's good?

It's papaya. Don't you like it?

I do.

It's very good, ma'am.

You can call me Carmela.

Don't worry, Carmela does not bite... nice, young muchachos.

That's my boss. I gotta go. I have to go call him.

You must come back when you have more time.

Hey, the money!

Hey, that's OK. So long!

Come back whenever you like!

Oh, it's my little muchacho.

Back so soon.

Hi. Me and my friends... we just happened to be in the neighborhood.

And I thought we'd bring you some extra pizzas.

Oh, you're friends of my muchacho?

Good, good, we have a pizza party.

Come in.

Yeah, go.

Don't be shy, muchachos.

Please sit down.

Now I will get you a little drinkito.

Sit down.

You weren't bullshitting. She is totally hot!

Yeah, tell me about it.

You sure this isn't going to cost us?

I'm positive. She does it 'cause she loves it.

If I had known you were coming...

I would have had everything just right.

Lucky for us my darling sailor boy Paco... left me this bottle of tequila.



To love.

Let's have some music.

Go ahead, she's waiting for you.

You go. You're her little muchacho.

Cut the shit. You saw the way she was looking at you.

Now, go!

Come... and dance with Carmela.

Get your clothes off.

What are you doing?

Come on, he said to take our clothes off.

Oh, sí, sí, sí, sí.

Move... let me have a look.

Come on, I gotta look.

Oh, you are so long, my sweet papaya.

You are driving Carmela crazy!

Come on, I gotta see! Shut up! Shut up!

Oh, God. What?

I don't believe this.

More! More! That's it! Harder!

Yes! Yes!

More! More!

Gary, I can't stand it. I gotta look.

Wait, no.

Mama! Mama!


My angel.

I am ready! I am ready!

Jesus Christ, he's fucking her.

He's fucking her!

They're finished. Here he comes.

Who is the next muchacho for Carmela?

Go to it, Gary. She's waiting for you, man.

David's next.

No, you said you wanted seconds.

Come on, David, you said you were going after Rick.

Now, go ahead.

I am starting to feel Ionely.

Rick, I'll tell you why... Get in there.

Rick, tell me, how was it?

It was great, man.


Come to me, my big burrito.


You are the only man I see.

You sure?

Oh, yes. Come to Carmela.

Hurry up. Come on.

Hurry up.

Carmela wants to feel you.

Carmela wants you to feel good.

Take this off.


Take it off.

Don't be shy.

That's it.


She's going for it. She's totally going for it.

Let me see.

Here she comes!


I just love a good fiesta.

Let's have some more music.

Who is it?

Paco! Carmela.

Oh, shit!

Hurry! Get your clothes on.

Mi amor.

Mi corazón. Hi!

Mi vida.

Get your shirt on! Come on, man!

This is my sailor Paco.

He's arriving from Puerto Rico to visit Carmela.

Isn't he good?

These are my neighbor boys from downstairs.

I was helping them with their Spanish lessons.

That is all for today, boys. You can go now.

Adiós, muchachos.

What a nympho.

David's still inside!

David, come on! Hurry up!

Shit, my clothes!

Come on, David!

Come on, you're not gonna make it!

Come on, man, hurry up!


Come back here!

Come back!

Hey, Rick.

Hi, what's happening?

Where's the car?

I couldn't get it tonight. My boss wouldn't let me have it.

Are you serious? Gary, you're crazy, man.

Karen and Rose are gonna be here any second.

I told you to count me out in the first place.

You're supposed to be my buddy, help me out tonight, remember?

And you know that Karen won't hang out with me... unless Rose comes along.

Besides, she's got the hots for you, man.

Oh, gee. Thanks a lot.

Hey, guys. How's it goin'?

It's not so great, Victor. What's the problem?

Well, you see, Victor, Gary and I... we invited these three real hot blondes here tonight.

But the thing is, we got the rum... we got the chicks... but there's only two of us.

We need another guy.

Hey, I'll give you a hand.

Aw, no, Victor, really.

No, no, no. No problem.

Look, Victor, no.

If there's any problem at all.

We don't want to inconvenience you.

Hey, no, it's no inconvenience. I'd like to.

I mean, what are friends for, right?

Right. Now, Victor, I'll park your car... and you go inside and get some coke for the rum, OK?


Come on, what do you say? Look, it's gettin' late.

Yeah, I don't know.


OK. All right.

But you guys, really... park this beauty gently.

Oh, we will, Victor. I just got her painted.

Looks great.

Yeah, it cost me my last buck.

And be careful with your cigarette.

No problem. Oh, good.

Three blondes?




Get in the back. No way.

Hey, how you doing?

Hi, Gary.

All right.

So, what do you guys want to to do tonight?

I don't know.

Why don't we go to the point? Hey, that's a great idea!

Oh, God! I've never been to the point before.

That sounds like a lot of fun! Yeah!

Rose, do you have any mints or gum or something?

I only have two pieces left... and that has to last me all night.

Rose, how'd you like to sit up front with Gary?



Gary, wait up!

I'll see you in a couple.

Listen, Gary, I gotta ask you a small favor.

Can you lend me the key to your grandmother's tonight?

What for?

I got a date with Karen, and I want to be alone.

Yeah, well, I don't...

Listen, Gary. This is really important to me.

Tonight could really be the big night, you know?


OK, I'll give you the key tonight.

All right! Thanks a lot, man. I owe you one, OK?

Here he comes.

Hey, what's shakin', guys?

How's it goin', Rick?

Hi, what's happening?

You know what's happening. Let me have it.

Let you have what?

What do you mean, ''Let me have what''?

I believe we talked about a key... to somebody's grandmother's house.

Oh, that. Look, Rick...

I looked all over for it. I couldn't find it.

Didn't we look for it, David? We couldn't find it anywhere.

Well, that's great. Thanks for telling me on time.

Now what am I supposed to do?

David, what about your parents' guest house?

No way. That's been off limits since Big Earl... smoked angel dust and he ate my mom's parakeet.

I'll be cool. All I need is an hour with her.

Sorry, man. I wish I could help you.

Guess you'll just have to call it off, Rick.

Come on, David, let's go.

What are you guys in such a rush to do?

There's a lady that's just waitin' to lay us.

Oh, yeah? Who? The redhead.

The one that Tommy's brother's been screwing.

The one with the big tits? That's right, pal.

We've been doing business with her now for a while.

Nine times already.

You guys have screwed her nine times... and you haven't even told me?

We can't even talk to you anymore.

I mean, it's Karen this and Karen that.

You're too busy teeny-boppin' all over the place.

I thought you guys were my friends.

OK, we're asking you now, Rick. You're comin' or you're not?

How can I, Gary? I got a date with Karen right now.

There you go again.

Come on, David, let's go.

You just go and play house with Karen.

Wait up, you guys.

So, what's the story, fellas?

Do I have anything you want?

Make up your mind, honey.

You better go home before your mother starts to miss you.

Look, I don't know about this.

Hey, wait a minute. Are we gonna get laid or not?

Money, guys, or Ruby walks.

Well, how much are we talkin' about?

30 bucks is the goin' rate.

Are we on or not? What do you say?

30 bucks? That's 10 apiece. I think we can handle that.

That's 30 bucks apiece, guys, and it ain't negotiable, see?

Jesus, that's 90 bucks!

No, I can't afford that. No way.

Stop wastin' my time. Take it or leave it.

How about 75?

How about goin' home to mama?

OK, all right, hold on.

Go ahead. Come on.

Hey, man, I am workin' here, and you are killin' my action.

Come on, guys. Time is money.

We ain't got all night.

I'll show you a good time, but let's move it. Come on.

Move your fat ass.

All right, cowboys, who's first?

I want to get this over with.

Go ahead, Gary. You go first.

Go on, Gary. Go on.


Come on. This is my busiest night.

Let's get it on.

Come on, move it. Please?

Come on, let's get those pants off.

We haven't got all night.

You move like you don't want to get laid.

Look at that.

What's the matter?

You ain't still a virgin, are you?

Come on.

Come over here.


There, that's got it.

Yeah, that's a lot better.

Now it's wide awake.

Now we can do business.

Come on.

Hurry up. Come on.

No, dummy. Not there.

Move up a little.

There you go. OK, now.

I wonder what's taking him so long.

Well, he might as well get his thirty bucks worth, right?

I think you mean my 30 bucks.

Shit, move your ass.


My goddamn luck.

I get all the live ones.

You've still got a lot to learn, little boy, you know?

Well, come on, fat-ass. You're next.

How was it?

Go ahead, David.

Go on, man. Go ahead.

Hey, what's wrong?

Hi, how's it going?

It could be better.


I have my own.

Busy day for you today, huh?

Are you here to interview me or to fuck me?

For this examination, you will have exactly twenty minutes.

I will expect silence, absolute silence.

There will be no...

You're late again.

There's no excuse for this kind of behavior.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Applebaum.

I didn't sleep 'cause I haven't...

I haven't been feeling too well.

Very well. Go to your seat.

And no talking.



Rick! Shit.

Rick! I can't stop itching!

Me, too. It's driving me crazy.

I know!

What about David?

Get David.

How do you feel? My balls are burning up.

I know. Gary's, too.

David, I'm dying. It hurts.

I know. I can't take it anymore.

What is it? I think I know.

Gary! David! Richard!

Out of this classroom at once.

I warned you. Out!

Report to the principal's office right now.

And close the door!

Yes, ma'am.

Crabs?! Crabs?!

Crabs! You know, like head lice.

What the hell can we do about them?


Don't worry about it.

I know a way we can get rid of them like that.

You sure this will drown them? Positive.

But I thought crabs loved the water.

Not this kind.

Yeah? How do you know? I know!

Tommy had 'em and drowned them in his parents' jacuzzi.

It sure takes long enough to kill these suckers.

Do you know we've been in here for four hours now?!

Yeah, my back is already baked.

Yeah, well, stop itching, lover boys.

If you two remember correctly... you're the ones that got me into this.

Hey, guys, look who's here.

Hi, Gary.


What happened to you last night?

I waited till 11:00 for you.

What happened to me? What happened to you?!

I called you at least ten times.

My phone didn't ring once.

You're kidding! You better get it checked, then.

I was worried about you, Karen.

We're gonna get some sun. Are you staying here?

Yeah, go ahead. I'll be right with you.

Come on.

OK, that should do it. Let's go.

Rick, would you mind putting some suntan lotion on my back?




Would you mind putting some lotion on my back, too?



Thank you.

What's been happening in your life?

Not a whole hell of a lot, Rose.

How's the pizza world?

It's round, Rose.

What's wrong? They didn't drown!

I'll see you later.

I'll be right back.

Hey, what's your hurry?

Hey! Who didn't drown?

I need something... to kill ticks.

Oh, no problem. What kind of a dog do you have?

A collie, but it's not for him.

I'm afraid I don't know what you mean.

It's not really ticks.

Not ticks?

Uh-uh. It's... it's more like... lice.

Oh, lice.

Well, I've got just the thing for you.

I've got a special comb... and it does very nicely in these sort of things.

You'll find it very, very efficient.


No? See... it's not exactly lice, either.


Well, you see, it itches a lot.

Let me take a look at your head here.

I don't see anything wrong with that.

Did you ever have any allergy problems or anything?

No. It's not on my head.

So where is it?


it's down there.

Your balls itch?

Crabs! At your age!

Young people... not what they used to be in my...

Don't worry about it. I got just the thing for you.

If you'll take this and apply it three times a day... those little things'll go away in no time.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Pay him.

How much do I owe you?


Crab... killer.


Extra points. David...

Hey, Big Apple. Hey, Gary. How's it going?

OK. Have you seen Karen around here?

Yeah. She should be around here somewhere.

Because I saw her moped outside.

I saw her go with Rick somewhere.

Yeah, but they should be right back.

Where did they go? They probably went for a walk.

Bullshit, David. He took her to the football field... to bust her cherry, and you know it.

Hey, Gary, hold up!


Gary, what are you doing here?

Nothing much. Where have you been?

I was out on the football field.

By yourself?

No, with Karen. She's right over there.

Just you two?

Of course. I couldn't wait around for you... to give me the key to your grandmother's house.

Meaning what?

Meaning that I was the first one to get to Miss Thing over there.

You what?

I fucked Karen.

You're full of shit. You're lying!

What do you want me to do, show you an instant replay?

You fucked Karen?!

She'll hear you!

Man, you're a fucking liar and you know it.

Hi, Gary. How's it going?

What's wrong with him?

Just think, three more days to Christmas vacation.

It's gonna be great.

Yeah, just great.

What's the matter with you? You should be happy.

Just think, a week from today, we'll all be on the slopes.

Next time, bring your book back on time... if you don't want to pay a fine. We charge for every day overdue.

Hi. Yes?

Do you have the October issue of Consumer Reports?

What year? '80.

I'll look. Thanks.

I don't want to know about it, OK?

We're completely through. I told you that already.

Why are you coming here with all these fucking people around?

I told you that we're through anyway... so why don't you just split and leave me alone, OK?

Don't you know what you did?

Would you get the fuck out of here already?

You're embarrassing the shit out of me. Now split!



What's wrong?

It's got nothing to do with you.

I saw you two arguing in there.

It's over between us, so it doesn't matter.

So why are you crying, then?

Look... I'll be all right.

Relax. You know all couples have their moments.

He'll cool off. I know him. Don't worry about it.

I really don't care what he does!

He will get over it.


I'm pregnant.

Look, hey, don't worry.

It's gonna be all right.

Come on, listen to me.

OK, I want you to get yourself together... and don't breathe a word of this to anyone.

I'm gonna take care of this, understand?

I'm gonna help you.



What's your problem?

She's pregnant and you know it.

Good news travels fast, huh?

What are you gonna do, come to her rescue?

That's what you should be doing, Ricky.

Hey, what's it got to do with you, man?

Anyway, I've had it with her. It's over.

That's very convenient, isn't it?

Hey, she's been getting on my nerves.

She's pregnant, you creep!

So what? She's not the first.

Yeah, but you were! Have you forgotten?

Me? The first? Forget it, buddy.

What are you trying to say?

That I'm probably not the only guy that ever screwed her.

You take that back before I decide to bust your head open!

I'll say whatever I like, you asshole!

Stop it! I will not have that in here!

You're jealous 'cause it wasn't you!

You're a stupid asshole!

Anytime, pizza boy! Anytime, man!

You're the biggest load I've ever met!

You are gonna regret this, Gary, man.

You're nothing but a piece of shit!

I will call the principal if you don't get out of here!

David, you geek, come on, man.

We've been waiting for you. Get it together.

David! Come on, man!

Come on, let's go! Let's go!

Come on! All right! Come on!

Hey, come on!

Hey, wait! Where you going?

Come on, man! Hurry up! Get in!

That's OK. I got it.

Go on in.

It's been empty for a year.

Every since my grandmother died, nobody's been here.

It'll look better once I put up the blinds.

It needs a little cleaning.

Good. At least she left us a working radio.

Karen, do you want to see a picture of me when I was two?

Please... don't cry.

I promise...

I promise you it'll be all right.

Karen, I know dozens of girls who have been through it... and it was fine.

Please, I promise. Just don't cry.

You know, of course... there are certain precautions you could have taken... before the few moments of pleasure that you enjoyed.

The operation itself is quite simple.

Still, it does cost money. $250 to be exact.

That's OK. I can cover that.

Cash. Cash.

Fine. You'll bring it with you this evening.

Now, I'd like you to leave us.

Come back at 6:00. She'll be ready then.

Look, I need to know how much I can get for this.

This is my stereo...

Thank you.

Hey, Gino, I gotta talk to you.

The Olympic ski team is back. Can't you see I'm busy?

Gino, please, will you listen to me?


I gotta borrow a hundred bucks.

You gotta? You gotta get your ass outta here.

Hundred bucks. Are you crazy?

Look, I'm serious. I mean it.

Gino, please. It's an emergency.

How is she?

She's fine.

She's resting.

She's in Room 16.

You can take her home now.



Where did you put the yellow towel?

It's on the chair.

Oh, I see it.

Come on, your eggs are getting cold.

I'll be right there.

Good morning.

Good morning. I'm so hungry.

How'd you sleep? Oh, fine.

I'm sorry you had to sleep on the couch... because of me last night.

That's OK. Look, if we'd gone skiing...

I would've been sleeping on a cold floor somewhere.

I wonder how they're all doing.

Are you sorry you didn't go?

A little.

Do you miss anyone?

What do you mean?

I don't know. I just...

No, I just wondered if you missed, you know... the gang, or anything.

Not really.

I'll make up for it at my party.

What party? My birthday party.

Your birthday? When?

This Saturday.

Am I invited?

That's a dumb question.

Why are you doing that now?

I just wanted to get everything ready.

You could do it tomorrow morning.

Nah, I'd just rather get it done now.


I want you to know I really appreciate... everything you've done for me.

Karen, you're more than welcome.

No, you've been a true friend.

I can't think of anyone who would've done... what you've done for me.


it's just that...


I love you.

I always have.

Ever since I first saw you...

I've loved you.

I could never tell you, but...

I love you.

Hi, Dad.

Hey, you're back!

Martha, Gary's home!

So, how was the trip? Good.

I heard you had great snow.

Wonderful, sweetheart.

You could've at least sent your mother a postcard.


There weren't any mailboxes where we were, Mom.

So then how come David's mom got four postcards?

You see, David chickened out and stayed behind... while we were up at the slopes.

You have an excuse for everything.

Oh, my God. The roast.

Come here.

Come on. Welcome home.

How much is it?

Like it?

It's beautiful.


I'll take it.

And I'd like something inscribed on it.

What would you like on it?

''To Karen with love. ''

''To Karen with love. ''

Yeah, and when will it be ready?


No, that's no good.

Why not?

You see, it's a birthday present for my girlfriend... and tomorrow night's her birthday.

All right. Tomorrow night it'll be ready.

It will? Thanks.

Look, I really appreciate it.

And remember...

''To Karen... '' with a ''K''...

''with love. ''

''To Karen with love. '' Got it.

OK. I'll see you tomorrow. Thanks.

Hey, Gary, what's goin' on? Not much. Where's Karen?

She's somewhere around here.

OK, thanks.

Hi, Gary. Hi.

What's that for?

Oh, it's nothing. Victor, have you seen Karen?

Yeah, I think I saw her go in the kitchen.

Great. Thanks, Vic.