The Last Movie Star (2017) Script

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome movie star extraordinaire, Vic Edwards!

I think people are always fascinated about how people get into movies.

I gather your first screen test was a fair-sized experience.

Yeah, it was. My, uh...

My screen test was sad and funny. I hope it's funny.

I went into 20th Century Fox on an interview.

First guy said, "You have a very good face," and he said, "We'd like to do a screen test of you."

Then I thought, "Man, I'm gonna be a star."

So on the day of the screen test, I'm gonna get a haircut.

So I duck into this barber shop at 7:00 in the morning and I say to the guy, uh...

"Give me a haircut and shave."

I'd never had a shave in a barber shop before.

And the guy had never given one before.

And he gave me the worst haircut you've ever seen in your life.

And then he... There was cuts all over my face.

And I had pieces of toilet paper pasted all on my face.

That was my test.

And I wondered why they didn't sign me for a seven year contract.

That was my introduction to the movies.


Yeah.

Squanto. Squanto Edwards.

Well, his kidneys are completely shutting down.

He's not responding to the diuretics anymore.

And you know had to take him off the ACE inhibitors for his heart disease because it's making his kidney damage worse.

His body is basically poisoning itself.

I mean, he's 15, so he's not really a candidate for something more aggressive like a transplant.

What would you do, if it was your dog?

I'm afraid we're out of options.

I'd have to let him go.

Yes.

Well...

Do you mind if I say good-bye to him alone?

Yeah, of course. We'll give you a minute to say good-bye.


Eh...

Phew...


Mmm.


Nice view, huh? Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm.

I always loved yoga.

Oh, yeah. Thinking I'm having, uh, palpitation.

Mmm.

Say, Vic, did you hear that Jerry Renner died yesterday?

Oh, that's too bad.

Yeah, he was a nice guy.

No, he wasn't.

He was a putz.

Oh, here.

Forgot to show you this.

This was sent to me. What do you think?

I don't know how they got my address but they sent it to me.

This is the International Nashville Film Festival.

You're being honored.

"This year is being dedicated to honoring you

"and your impressive body of work.

"It's about time.

Ah, so what? "We would like to invite you

"to join us for a retrospective of some of your greatest films

"followed by a gala ceremony where you'll be presented

"with our prestigious Lifetime Achievement Award."

Look who the previous winners are, Robert De Niro, Jack Nicholson and Clint Eastwood.

And it says here all expenses are paid.

That's a country music town, that's not a film town.

No, no, no, no.

Nashville has become very hip. Very hip.

Well, that's what I'm worried about.

My hip.

Sitting on an airplane for too long a time, what if I get a clot in my butt?

Look, I've heard of this film festival and I know this is a prestigious award.

And I don't think you're gonna get a clot in your butt.

Look, I'm just saying if you don't go, you're a bigger asshole than I ever thought.

Well, I guess you would know.

You've made such great career moves.


Nice. Schmuck.


Good morning! And where are we off to today?

Nashville. Nashville, huh?

That's a great live music town.

You gonna kick those heels up a little bit?

Well, a very little bit. There you go.

Thank you, Mr. Edwards. Mmm-hmm.

There you are. Okay.

I'm gonna have to ask you to get in this line over here

'cause this one is for first class passengers only.

Holy cow. But I am first class.


Yeah? Then why the hell are there pictures of you two hugging and laughing all over her Facebook page?

Oh, bullshit!

Don't tell me I'm being irrational.

You told me you were going there with Andrew and you lied.

It's just a simple fact.

If you're just friends, then why lie?

Oh, you're so full of shit.

You must think I'm the biggest idiot on the planet.

Look, I can't talk about this right now. I'm working.

I do, too, have a job.

I'm picking up some old asshole for my brother.

I don't know who it is.

I mean, what, do you think I Google'd him or some shit?

Oh, what? Hi. I'm Vic Edwards.

Oh, Mr. Edwards. Yeah. Yeah.

I... I have to call you back.

Hello, Mr. Edwards. Hi.

Um, welcome to Nashville. How was your flight?

Was it delayed?

I mean, I've been waiting here forever.

You've been waiting here forever my ass.

Now where is my limo?

I don't know anything about a limo.

Really? But I'm Lil McDougal, your personal assistant and chauffeur for the duration of the weekend.

We're off to a great start, aren't we?

Bjorn, shut up. I'm working.

Come on! Hmm?

Sorry. Sorry. Come on. Let's go.


All right.

We'll get you checked into the hotel but there's no time to relax.

We've got to get to the film festival in time for the opening ceremony and we're running late already.

Whose fault is that?


This is an upgrade?

What's wrong with it? Look, it's got a kitchen.

This is a kitchen?

Are you familiar with the term "false advertising"?

Yeah.

Well, I was promised first class accommodation.

I've got a good mind to have you take me back to the airport right now.

It's like I'm on Candid Camera.

Is this really a film festival?

Dude, there's a film festival and if you don't like your accommodations because they don't measure up to your big Hollywood expectations, don't gripe to me.

I'm just your assistant 'cause I'm the one with the car.

Take it up with my brother. It's his stupid film festival.

I'll meet you in the lobby. You call that a lobby?

Your key. Really?

I've seen phone booths that were bigger than that.

See you soon. Can't hear you.

Yeah, right, right, right.

What a shithole.

Don't be crazy.

You're there already. Just enjoy it.

Enjoy it? You should see this rat hole.

It smells like piss and Pine-Sol.

Well, you should feel right at home then.

Those boutique hotels are always small but they're very hip.

There's nothing hip or boutique about this place.

And my assistant, my God.

She's just a basket case on wheels.

Oh, just relax, Vic.

It's one lousy weekend and you'll get to the festival, everybody will spoil you.

You'll feel like a big shot. How bad can it be?

De Niro, Clint.

There must be something to it.

I guarantee you Clint didn't stay in this shithole.

Oh, stop it.

I'll talk to you later.

I'm sorry about that.


You are such an asshole!

Well, I was just sitting here and the book was here...

I'm not talking to you.

No, I am talking to you, Bjorn.

Shut up for a second.

I'm on the phone, Mr. Edwards.

Yes, I can see that.

Hello?

Bjorn?

Hello? Dammit!


What the hell is this?

This is the festival.

But it's a bar.

Yes. So what?

There he is.

Oh, my gosh. Mr. Edwards.

I can't believe it. Oh, my gosh.

Vic Edwards!

Oh, man, I can't tell you how excited we are to have you here.

I'm Doug McDougal.

We spoke on the phone, remember?

Yeah. How are you? I'm so good.

I can't tell you what it means to us that you're here.

We're such fans.

Let me introduce you to my partner, Shane McAvoy.

We have been best friends since birth, so the first time I saw any of your films, it was with this guy right here.

Really? Wow. Yeah.

Mr. Edwards, sir, your films have influenced me greatly.

Your performance in Siege at the Alamo was a revelation of gradation and dynamism and nuance.

Gradation, dynamism, nuance? Sounds like a law firm.

Seriously, I get choked up even just thinking about that scene where you're cradling the dying Robert Mitchum.

And you say, "Mr. Crocket, sir, "it's been my privilege

"defending Texas side by side with you."

All right, wrap it up, Shane. This is Stuart.

He's a local filmmaker here in Nashville.

He actually shot all the promos for the festival that are playing online.

Did you get a chance to catch any of those yet?

No, I haven't, but I will. What time do they come on?

It's like I'm on Carson.

Mr. Edwards, it is the greatest honor of my life to be seeing you through my viewfinder right now.

I'm making a documentary about this historic event.

And, of course, you know my sister Lil, who, in addition to being your personal assistant for the weekend, is an artist.

She actually made the logo for the festival.

Well, she was very handy.

Well, she's been called worse.

Uh, let's get you over to the red carpet.

So what is he like? What'd you guys talk about?

Did he tell you any stories?

Oh, yeah. It was great.

He told me how much he hated the coach ticket and how much he hated the hotel and how much he hated my car.

And that the film festival's in a bar.

Yeah, he's a total dick.

I have no idea what you guys are so obsessed with.

Maybe we should watch some of his movies together some time.

Yeah, I got to be honest with you, Shane.

I'm dealing with some shit with Bjorn right now, so could you just run along?

I'm not asking you on a date. I'm just saying that...

Yeah, that's great. Thanks.

Vic, you were great! Welcome to Nashville!

I'm sorry to, um... Who's that?

Mr. Edwards, it's so nice to meet you.

I'm a huge fan. My dad loves your movies.


Okay, now, Mr. Edwards, if we could, right this way.

Okay. I'd like to introduce you to our social media director and my better half.

This is my girlfriend, Faith. Hi, Faith.

Hi. Wow. It's so exciting to meet you.

All Doug keeps talking about is Vic Edwards, Vic Edwards.

And FYI, on Instagram, Snapchat and Pinterest, my name is FaithVonAwesome but on Twitter, it's Faith, underscore, VonAwesome.

Someone else beat me to it. But that's okay.

And our Vines are hilarious.

And our Facebook page already has, like, 200 likes, so just feel free to just invite all your friends.

And, FYI, we've got a few hashtags going, hashtag INFF, hashtag Nashfilm, hashtag VicInNashville.

So just feel free to hashtag away on any of your pics that you post, okay?

Thank you. Can I get you a drink?

Yeah, I'll have a whiskey.

Aye, aye, sir. Okay. Okay.

All right, Faith, actually, just bring it on into the theater.

Um, we've got tot get going.

We've got a lot of movies to get through before the big awards ceremony on Sunday.

The screening room right around here.

There's actually a lot of local contest winners and fans that are already in there, waiting.

Excuse me.

He's here.


All right. Thank you, everybody, for coming to the fifth annual International Nashville Film Festival.

Yeah.

You know, we've been doing this for a number of years now, but I have to say, it's never been more exciting for me than this year because we have with us our guest of honor, the number one box office star for five years in a row.

Six. Six. I'm sorry.

That's all right. Six years in a row.

Tennessee's favorite son. Movie star extraordinaire.

Everybody, give it up for Mr. Vic Edwards.

So, Vic, the opening movie of the festival tonight is your 1961 classic, Nine Lives to Kathmandu for which the Hollywood Critics Association awarded you Best Newcomer of the year.

That's the only time I ever agreed with the critics.

Oh, thank you. One second.

Oh. All right.

Thank you.

So, yeah, Vic, like I said, if you have any stories or anecdotes about the making of that film, I think we'd all love to hear 'em.

I have a question.

Please save any questions for the Q&A after the film.

Well, Kathmandu was a B-picture, which means it didn't cost much to make.

Somehow, it shot right to the top.

One minute, I was a two-bit stuntman and then the next minute, I was the toast of the town.

Hollywood can do that.

Wants to build you up, they can do it fast.

And if they want you to crash and burn, they do that even faster.

Speaking of stunts, it is true that you doubled Burt Lancaster in Gunfight at the OK Corral?

Dammit, Shane. I said no questions till the Q&A.

That's all right. Nobody doubled Burt.

But I did double somebody in that picture and that was Rhonda Fleming.

I had to fall off a horse in a dress.

All right. Well, I don't know if it's gonna get a lot better than that so let's begin the festival.

Yeah!

Excuse me.


No, I've given you everything and you still cheated on me!

You cheated on me! I've given you everything!

I didn't have sex with her. You didn't have sex with her but you still cheated on me with her.

Give me a break. Look at you, wearing those shorts with your ass hanging out with that stupid idiot at this stupid place.

What stupid place?

You're always screwing my friends!

I don't mean to. You're an asshole!

Get out of the way! Ahhh!

You're a downer, all right?

You're the one who cheated on me! I hate you!

You can't do this! How dare you?

After everything!

You got shit taste for men, you know that?

Yeah? Tell me about it.

Next time some guy gives you a hard time, just jab him in the throat, right in the Adam's apple, you know, with these four fingers.

Right there. He won't talk for quite a few days.

Yeah, well, it's not some guy.

It's Bjorn, my boyfriend.

Well, ex-boyfriend now.

Bjorn? It's Swedish.

I know. It's Swedish for "shit".

Has he ever put his hands on you before?

You know, whatever. I mean, he has to date me and I'm crazy so.

Ah. So it's your fault?

'Cause you're crazy.

Yeah, you know what? You don't get anything.

And I don't need psychoanalysis from some has-been actor from Hollywood.

And speaking of Hollywood, why the hell are you even here?

Well, I'm only here because Clint and Jack and Bobby De Niro all came.

Clint Eastwood? Mmm-hmm.

Jack Nicholson? Yeah.

Yeah. Mr. Edwards, this is the International Nashville Film Festival, not the Nashville International Film Festival.

That's the big one. Yeah. Those guys never came here.

Said on the invite they all won the same award that I'm getting.

My brother invited them. He just never got a response.

In the four years he's been running it, you are the only one stupid enough to show up.

Huh.


All right, huh?

Ladies and gentlemen, Vic Edwards.

Where's Vic?

Uh, okay. Vic must be in the bathroom or something.

Everybody sit tight. I'm gonna go get him.

I'll be right back. Come on.

Hey, where's Vic? I don't know. He left.

What do you mean he left?

He got up and walked out the door.

Well, why didn't you come get me at least or something?

And interrupt the movie? God forbid.

Dammit, Lil.

Vic! Mr. Edwards.

He wants to be called Vic. Vic!

Oh, my God. Holy shit. That's awesome.

Come on, boy. Come on. Holy shit.

Dammit.

Here you go. Yee-ha.

Vic.

Hey, Vic.

Um, Vic, you okay? Come on, big boy. Up.

Silver.

Everything all right?

Of course I'm all right, goddammit.

Look at me. I'm riding like a son-of-a-bitch.

Go, baby. Yee-ha.

You know what my first job in movies was?

Falling off a horse.

Great. Uh, what do you say we go do the Q&A, huh?

He's sloshed, man.

I am not sloshed.

Anybody could fall off a horse, but a good stuntman can do it and get up and be okay.

And that is the art.

Oh. Awesome. Good to know.

Stuntmen never get the glory they deserve.

I was always envious of them.

I should have stayed a stuntman.

Maybe. Coulda, shoulda, right?

You know, these would actually be great anecdotes to tell at the Q&A.

If you want... If you want to head back inside.

When I was starting out, all they made were westerns.

I didn't know a damn thing about Hollywood.

But I did know how to ride a horse.

So I snuck on the Paramount lot and when I heard they were shooting a Hoppy movie, I walked up to the guy, shouting the loudest and I said, "I'm the new stuntman."

Next thing I know, I'm dressed like an Injun, riding a caramel stallion across the Paramount ranch.

And then I hear my cue. Bang!

And you know what I did then?

Fell off the horse.

Bet I could still do it. Yell "Bang."

I'm sorry, what?

Yell "Bang."

Bang.

Oh, my God.

Very good, guys.

Careful, Vic.

Oh, shit.

Ladies and gentlemen, Vic Edwards.

Okay, as promised, Vic is gonna do a short Q&A.

Vic, your co-star in Kathmandu was the lovely and talented Virginia Donovan.

The studio PR department at the time played you guys up as an item.

Was there any truth to that rumor?

Or was that just Hollywood hype?

No, I banged her brains out.

But the rumors that we were dating was bullshit.

Look, I'll give it to you straight because I'm too old to give you any crap.

When you're famous, everybody wants to screw you.

Hmm.

So I porked about every starlet in Hollywood.

Every cover girl.

Every cute extra. Every hot waitress.

There was one make-up girl on the set of No Can Do, what a set of bonkers there.

They should have declared national treasures.

Probably look like saggy socks over the menorah now but...

What was the question again?

Uh... All right. Any other questions?

Yes, Shane.

Um, at the onset of your career, you were known as an actor's actor.

You even studied with Stella Adler.

Yeah. Bitch.

You were compared to Brando even.

But somewhere along the way, you started choosing to do more action-y films instead of the character pieces.

Why is that?

And is it true that you turned down Serpico for Johnny Speedway?

Well, you know, it's getting kind of late.

We got a big day tomorrow so I think maybe, um...

But, you know, he's right.

Pacino, De Niro, Brando.

They picked the right ones.

Bad choices.

Bad choices.

Well, I think, uh, I speak for all of us when I say that you definitely made the right choices because we love all your films, right?

Yeah.

Speaking of De Niro, you sold me a bill of goods, you little asshole.

I'm sorry, what?

Well, you let me believe that Clint and Bobby and Jack all came on to accept their awards here.

And they never been here.

I never said they came here. To be clear.

Uh, I just said we had given them the awards.

What are you trying to do, humiliate me?

Cannes. That was a film festival.

Venice, that was a film festival.

But this is just a bunch of losers watching movies in their basement.

Screw it.

Holy shit!

All righty, Vic, nighty night.

Lil's gonna be here at noon to pick you up.

We'll go get some famous Nashville barbecue and then we got a big day of screenings tomorrow.

When you show a movie on a theater screen, it's a screening.

But when you project a movie on the wall, it's pathetic.

You know, we're just starting out.

We're doing the best we can with the money that we have.

Your whole stupid little festival is a joke.

I get it now.

The joke's on me. You guys are messing with me.

No, no, Mr. Edwards. It's nothing like that.

Put it on the YouTube and the whole world will laugh at it.

Vic, we're your biggest fans.

We would never do anything like that.

Uh-huh. Well, that's why this asshole's following me around with that camera.

Get that out of my face.

No, no, Mr. Edwards. Mr. Edwards.

Mr. Edwards, please.

No, no, Vic, Vic, please.

It's a liability thing. I don't think we should fight.

You're a jerk.

Doug! No. No, Shane.

I've had it. I mean, he just broke Stuart's camera.

You want to know the real reason we brought you here?

Yes, because I'm stupid enough to come.

Because we're fans, okay? Because we love your movies.

Because we think you're a great actor.

And we save all our money and we throw this film festival every year.

And, yeah, maybe some aspects of it are a little low rent.

A little? But I was really excited when you agreed to come.

Now I wish that I hadn't even invited you because you're ruining the whole thing.

I wish you'd never invited me, either.

Well, I did!

And you're here.

So, tough titty.

Ah. All right, look.

We've got a big day tomorrow, "showings" of your movies, so suck it up, okay?

I'm so sorry you've got to spend the weekend being loved and adored by everybody.

How... How terrible.

Nighty-night, guys. Out. Out. Bye-bye.

Out! Bye-bye.

Wow. That's a whole new breed of crazy.

Shut up, Shane.

I'm... I'm so sorry about your camera.

It's all right, man, it's the school's.

They insure it.

Man, I told you the wording on that invitation was deceiving.

He must be a really unhappy person.

I heard he could be kind of an a-hole but that was nuts.

I guess artists are just emotional creatures.

Tortured souls.

But, I mean, what's there even to be unhappy about?

He's Vic Edwards, for Christ's sake.

He's made love to so many beautiful women.


Hmm.

Get over here, Vic.

Huh?

Hello.

You just gonna stand there, Vic?

Just gonna stand there, Vic?

Get over here, Vic.

I love you, Vic.

Get over here, Vic.

You just gonna stand there, Vic?

Get over here, Vic.


Hello?

Please tell me you're with Vic.

Who? Dammit, Lil.

Are you still asleep? I can't believe you.

Oh, shit. Shit, shit, shit.

You were supposed to pick Vic up at the motel

10 minutes ago.

Yeah, well, that's funny because I am almost at the motel.

Beep your horn.

Hmm? Prove to me that you're in your car. Honk your horn.

Oh, shut up, Doug.

I'll be there in, like, 15 minutes.

Mmm. Cut it out, Bjorn.

I have to get to work.

You have to get to work? Yes, I do.

What is that? Driving some old man around?

Can he not wait 15 minutes?

Quit looking so pleased with yourself.

I'm still pissed at you.

You got a funny way of showing it.

You didn't seem too pissed at me a couple of hours ago.

Okay, it's called a hate bone.

You know you're cute when you're angry.

No, no. Don't do it.

Oh, it's Doug again.

Babe, babe, I really gotta go.

I gotta go. Okay? Okay.

Lock up when you leave, all right?

Done.

Jerk.

Bye.

Yes? Oh. Only 25 minutes late.

Come on. Let's get to the restaurant.

The boys are all waiting.

Really?

What happened to your head?

Eh...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's this?

You're gonna take me to the airport and I'm going back to LA.

But what about Doug and the film festival?

Uh, what about them?

In the grand tradition of Nicholson and Eastwood, I will accept my Lifetime Achievement Award in absentia.

Suit yourself.

So how's Bjorn?

Wouldn't know.

I see.

I suppose you just gave yourself that hickey on your neck then.

That was there before.

No, it wasn't.

You're a pretty nosy old guy, aren't you?

I don't know if nosy is the word.

When you get to be my age, there are clear cut delineations between what is acceptable and what is unacceptable.

What he did was unacceptable.

Oh, I get it.

So I guess your behavior last night was acceptable.

I mean, to be honest with you, you're being pretty shitty.

I could give two shits about Doug's little film festival.

But you are being very uncool.

Well, that's life.

He'll get over it.

Are you always this much of an asshole or just to lowly peons like us?

No. I'm pretty much always a big asshole.

Wow, cool. Must be so liberating to live your life not giving a shit about anybody but yourself.

Take the next exit, all right?

Why? The airport's ahead.

I can see that, but take the next exit.

To Knoxville? It's a three hour drive.

What time's your plane?

I'll reschedule it.

Okay. I can't just up and go to Knoxville.

I got things I gotta do.

Bjorn can wait.

I was promised an assistant and a car for the whole weekend.

There are things I gotta take care of.

Now, go.

Don't you think we ought to slow down a little?

We're liable to get pulled over.

Cute.

Goddamn son-of-a-bitch.

Goddamn, it's a Texas Mountie.

What the hell's he doing in Arkansas?

I think you better pull off to the side, Vic.

Well, let's just see what he's got under the hood.

Bye, bye, baby.

Vic, take it easy.

I may be old but I'm not ready to die yet.

What the hell's the matter with you?

We could have been killed.

You think you're gonna live forever?

Uh-huh.

Look, I know you think you've got it all figured out right now.

Well, I do some crazy things.

Well, listen to me. You're on a collision course.

You're about to make a lot of bad life decisions.

Really?

I can help you before you throw it all away.

Too late now!

No!

My current doctor is better than most.

I still get the freakouts and the crying belts for hours and hours on end every once in a while.

But I stopped having seizures and I stopped cutting myself.

Wow.

Now I'm really depressed.

It was really bad for a while.

I was convinced the only way out was to kill myself.

Kill yourself? Are you crazy?

Yes. Haven't you been listening?

Killing yourself is the most selfish thing a person can do.

Well, I didn't do it, did I?

Well, don't.

You know what's depressing?

Growing old. That's depressing.

You know what your problem is?

What?

You need to lighten up and appreciate what you've got.

'Cause pretty soon, bang, it passes you right by.

Oh, it's just that easy? Right.

That is so ignorant.

I'm not depressed. I have depression.

It's different.

Having depression is having a mental illness.

It has to be medicated. Bullshit.

You gotta be a fighter.

Things get you down, you pick yourself up by your bootstraps and you just trudge forward.

You're one to talk.

I see you popping pills all the time.

That's because I'm in pain.

Well, so am I.

What do you take for it?

Well, I was on Abilify, which is a mood stabilizer for bipolar disorder, but it felt like fireworks were going off in my brain 24/7, so I tried Trileptal.

But that caused me to sleep for two solid weeks.

And I was taking that with Lexapro, which is an antidepressant, but that turns you into a fat zombie.

And then I tried Zoloft, which kills your sex drive, and that's just not gonna work.

Klonopin is an anti-anxiety, but that put me to sleep for 10 hours, too.

And Lamictal, which is similar to Lithium, gave me a bad rash all over my body, which was so not cute.

Then they put me on Seroquel, an antipsychotic, which also put me into a deep sleep for hours on end.

So they put me on Provigil, which is a stimulant that kept me up and focused, which is good.

In fact, I had to try several stimulants before settling on Provigil.

Adderall, Vyvanse, but those all make you act like a coke addict.

The Suboxone gave me scary hallucinations and caused me to throw up all over the house, which, like I said before, is super cute.

I'm currently on a cocktail of Provigil, Ativan, which is for anxiety, Prozac for my depression, which helps clear the fog from my brain a little bit.

And an Enzyme patch, which is an MAO inhibitor.

I mean, it helps but I can't eat chocolate when I'm on it, which is depressing unto itself.

Can I help you?

Should you be driving?


And we're here because...

Because that's where I grew up.

We drove three hours just so you could come and see your old house?

Yeah.

You got a problem with that?

You are so corny.

Yeah, that's true. Very true. Huh.

Whatever.

I feel like I'm in a time machine.

Everything looks the same.

Smells the same.

Like dogshit. Exactly.

I swear my mother's gonna walk out that door and she's gonna say, "Marty, get your tuckus inside for dinner."

Marty?

Martin Schulman.

Nice to meet you.

Hold on. Your real name's Marty Schulman?

Are you kidding me?

Nobody from my day kept their Jewish name if they wanted a career in Hollywood.

Tony Curtis' real name is Bernie Schwartz.

Who's Tony Curtis?

Never mind.

Can I help you two?

Yes, ma'am. I know you think we're some crazy people standing out here staring at your house but...

Are you Jehovah's Witnesses?

No, ma'am.

I actually used to live in this house.

I happened to be in the area and I wanted to take a little walk down memory lane.

Oh.

Must have been a long time ago because we've been here over 40 years now.

That's a long time.

Well, this house has been pretty good to us.

We raised many a child and grandchild ourselves here.

You know, they say that, um, old actor, Vic Edwards, actually grew up in this house here, too.

No kidding.

Ma'am, this is Vic Edwards.

Oh, I be damned!

You know how many times I told people you grew up in this house?

I didn't even know whether it was true or not.

And here you are. My God, here you are.

Can I hug you? Can I hug you?

Well, please, I'd love it. Oh, my goodness.

Oh! I can't believe this.

Here you are. The Vic Edwards.

Oh, memories.

I can't believe this.

Do you know what? My brother and I used to come tearing down these stairs, three steps at a time.

I don't know why we were in such a hurry but we were racing like it was the last thing we ever did.


Where are you guys?

I mean, when are you going to be home?

I have no idea when I'm gonna be home.

What are you guys doing?

He's on some, like, weird memory tour or something. Ugh.

Anyway, he's making me drive him around to all these places from his past.

He's on some, like, nostalgia kick.

It's so not fair that she gets to do that.

First, we went to this old little house where he grew up and then we went to the temple where he had his Bar Mitzvah.

Did you guys know he was Jewish?

Yes.

Of course you knew he was Jewish.

Then we went to the old pool hall he used to hang out in, which is now a cupcake shop, which he ranted about forever. And then I said, "Hey, gourmet cupcakes are super-trendy now."

Didn't care.

And then he had to have a GooGoo Cluster. I don't know what it is.

Maybe they just don't have GooGoo Clusters in LA or something.

I don't know. Mmm. Mmm.

Now we're at Neyland Stadium and he's just standing there, staring at the building, like a mental patient.

They're at Neyland Stadium.

That's ridiculous.

He was the starting tailback for UT during the 1951 undefeated season.

Anyways, after this, he wants to go to some old folks hospital to see his first wife or something.

And then we should be on our way back.

This is honestly all your fault.

My fault? How's it my fault?

Because you told him I was his 24/7 driving slave for the entire weekend.

Okay, whatever. Just take lots of pictures and Instagram them.

Oh, and hashtag the festival. Yeah, right.

Tell her I said hi. Yeah, Shane...

I can hear you. I'm back with Bjorn.

Anyways, gotta go. See you when I see you.

Yo.

You leave it. I'll retrieve it.

Bjorn. Hey, it's me.

Again. Where the hell are you? I keep calling you.

Anyway, I am still stuck in Knoxville with this old guy.

I think probably another hour here and then it's a three-hour drive home.

And then I get to see you.

Oh, crap, he's on the move.

I miss you. Bye.

Shit.

It's my buddy.

Mmm.

All right, well, it appears to be locked, so we can reminisce on the way back.

Sucks but we have a really long drive home.

What? What? Whoa. What are you doing?

Vic, we can't go on the field. That's totally not allowed.

Come with me.

I love the smell of cut grass.

Mmm.

1951. I was a sophomore but I started three games.

Full disclosure, I mean, I really don't know that much about football.

I mean... Anything, actually.

But, to be honest, I really don't give a shit about football.

Well, that's your loss.

Sorry.

We were undefeated, going into the last game against Texas.

They were ahead by two points.

We got down on the four yard line.

I wanted the ball.

I went up and over and I scored.

And then I heard this horrible racket.

The whole damn Texas team landed on me.

When they pulled them off, my knee was a mess.

I could never play again.

That sucks.

Yeah, it did.

Well, it's fun being a movie star, but nothing compares to being a football star.

Nothing.

He's in! He's in!

Touchdown...

You know something?

This is the exact spot

where I proposed to my first wife.

Great.

And then everything went wrong.

I had this little ring box, you know.

And I was so excited when I opened it.

The ring went flying out, right into the water.

And naturally, I jumped in after it.

I never found it.

So I got a piece of seaweed and I made a ring out of it.

Got down on one knee and put it on her finger.

And she just thought that was great.

Anyhow, she still said yes, and then we heard music coming from the dock.

We danced right here.

And then, well,

we always talked about we'd come back here some day.

But we never did.


Why are we just sitting here? I mean, let's go in.

It's still a three-hour drive back.

Just wait a second, okay?

It's not that easy.

It's been a long time.

What are you so scared of?

So she's gonna look old. You look old, too.

I beg your pardon.

Okay, not that you don't look good for your age.

Oh.

So what's her name, anyhow?

Claudia.

Was she pretty?

She was the prettiest of them all.

We were just kids.

We had no business getting married.

I didn't know what the hell I was doing.

If Claudia's number one, how many times were you married altogether?

Five.

Five? Mmm.

Wow. That's a lot of alimony.

You're telling me.

A buddy of mine told me once, never, ever get married.

Just skip the middle man, find a woman you hate, and buy her a house.

But you're rich right, right?

I mean, aren't all famous people rich?

Ha.

Just 'cause somebody's famous, that doesn't mean they're rich.

Didn't you have any kids who could help take care of you?

One, with Claudia.

Grace.

Grace? Mmm-hmm.

That's a pretty name.

I mean, geez, if you guys were kids when you got married, she must be, what? Fifty, sixty years old now.

She's dead.

Oh, shit. Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Should I just not ask any questions about her?

It's best not to, if you don't mind.

Aw, shit.

There she comes.

May I help you? Yes.

I would like to see Claudia Schulman, please.

I'm sorry, but visiting hours ended at 7:00 p.m.

Yeah, well, I came from Los Angeles to get here, okay?

So let us in.

We'll just be in here for five minutes. All right?

I'm sorry, but you'll have to come back tomorrow.

Visiting hours begin at 8:00 a.m.

You can have breakfast with her.

No kidding. Yeah.

Could you lean closer? I can't hear you.

Hey!

I'm gonna put this right into your nose.

No. No, you're not. All right, well, thank you, ma'am.

We totally understand.

Thank you. We will come back a different day.

I don't know who she is.

Yeah, all right, yeah.

Thank you. Thank you.

Holy shit. Thanks. All right. Let's go.

Vic, are you kidding?

What the hell's the matter with you?

What the hell's the matter with you, Vic? It's closed.

She wasn't going to let us in anyways.

And if you kept doing that, she was gonna call the cops.

You want to end up on TMZ?

TM what? TMZ.

What is that? Shut up. I...

Oh, bullshit. You just want to get back to your douche-bag.

Bjorn has nothing to do with this.

Oh, really?

That's why you keep calling him every 15 minutes.

Will you leave the guy alone?

Oh, so now you're on his side?

You know whose side I'm on?

Mine.

I'm not leaving here until I see Claudia.

Tell douche-bag you'll have to see him tomorrow

'cause we're spending the night in Knoxville.

Wait, what?

Maybe you're spending the night in Knoxville, but I'm driving back to Nashville.

You know you're a pain in the ass.

Yeah, well, so are you.

Bye.

What are you doing? Where are you gonna go?

Where are you going? I don't know.

Just away from you.


Get in the car.

Why?

'Cause I'm gonna stay the night with you in Knoxville.

I don't want to be responsible if, God forbid, something bad happens to you.

Never hear the end of it from my brother.

Besides, I think I saw a Motel 6 back there.

We ain't staying at a Motel 6.

Can you afford for us to stay here?

No, but that's the beauty of credit cards.

Still gotta pay it off at some point.

Let's live it up.

I'm tired of feeling like a has-been.

Welcome to the Knoxville Grand Hotel. Checking in?

Yes, we are.

And the name on the reservation?

Vic Edwards.

I'm sorry, Mr. Edwards, but for some reason, I don't see your reservation in our system.

Really? My assistant here made it weeks ago.

Oh, uh, yeah. Yeah.

I made that reservation weeks ago.

No harm. One room, two beds. One room?

Yeah. One room, two beds.

Yeah, well, I made the reservation for two rooms. So, two rooms.

How much for two rooms?

Our rooms rates start at $650.

Oh, okay, fine.

Well, then, uh, one room. Okay.

But unfortunately, Mr. Edwards, we are fully committed at this time.

Interesting. When they say they're fully committed, it's always bullshit.

Clint Eastwood walked in, you think they'd turn him away.

Hell, no. Now, you find me a room.

Please. And thank you.

Perhaps I should get my manager.

Perhaps you should. I'll be right back.

Oh, what are you doing?

You're gonna get us kicked out of this hotel.

Mr. Edwards, I'm terribly sorry for this mix-up.

I'm Gary, the Night Manager, here at the Knoxville Grand.

I don't know how your reservation got lost in the shuffle, but we'd be happy to remedy that situation right now.

Oh, thank you, Gary.

All of our rooms are fully booked.

However, we do have the penthouse suite available.

I would be happy to give you that room tonight for the cost of the standard room.

That's very nice. Thanks, Gary.

Let me get that key for you.

Welcome back to the Knoxville Grand, Mr. Edwards.

God bless you. Thank you.

Thank you, Gary.

You're welcome. All right. Let's go, Vic.

You ready, kid? Oh, I'm ready.

All right, Mr. Edwards.

He didn't have a reservation.

Oh, I know.

Then what's with the ass-kissing routine?

Who's Vic Edwards?

He's a living legend.

Oh, my God.

This thing is bigger than the house I grew up in.

Yeah. You like? Ah! Do I like it?

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, my God, and this bathtub is even bigger than my car.

Oh, well. That's big, I guess.

Oh, my God. They have a bidet.

I thought they only had that crap in, like Tokyo.

What?

I just figured out what that was

'cause at first, I thought, it was just a guys' bathroom.

I can't believe these bedrooms. God.

I call dibs on this room!

I can't believe we're here.

Oh, my God. I have to go look at this closet.

Oh, my God. Ha!

I can't believe you used to stay in these places all the time.

Oh.

Doug is going to freak out.

We have to Instagram the hell out of this.

Whoa. Oh!

What the hell is that?

That was amazing. I've never had room service before.

Oh, that's one of the perks I miss the most.

Fancy hotel rooms and room service.

Vic the Dick. Yep.

You're lucky I'm in a good mood.

This is you in a good mood?

I'd hate to see you in a bad mood.

What do you do with your art?

Besides draw festival logos and insult people.

Nothing, really.

Why don't you have a showing?

Try and sell something.

I can't just roll up my sleeves and throw an art show.

Use the bar.

If it's good enough for a film festival, it's good enough for an art show.

I get embarrassed. Mmm-hmm.

Doug loves to be the center of attention. And I don't.

Gives me anxiety.

Nothing wrong with being the center of attention.

I'd rather be famous and broke than be rich and nobody.

Instead, I'm broke and nobody.

That's the worst combination.

Why can't you just live in the present and stop looking in the rearview mirror?

All I ever hear from you is "I was rich," "I was famous,"

I was this, I was that. How about "You are"?

It's easier said than done, especially when your brother's little film festival shines such a spotlight on where I was compared to how far down I've come.

It's not Doug's fault that you're not happy.

Okay, Dr. Freud.

I'll work on me and you'll work on you.

Deal?

Deal.


Vic! What?

We have to leave. Why?

All right. These are the pictures I just posted of you and me.

And Shane likes some. A bunch of people like some.

Then I saw that Bjorn likes some.

And he doesn't have time to call me back all day.

Yet he had time to check Instagram.

I don't understand this.

Will you listen? Yes.

So then, I noticed that one of Bjorn's likes was also liked by Zoey Campbell.

Okay. Who's Zoey Campbell?

She's the bitch who's been trying to steal my boyfriend.

The one Bjorn says they're just friends, right?

So then, I look at her Instagram and see that she just happened to post a selfie an hour ago.

You're way cuter than her.

You got nothing to worry about.

That picture was taken in my bed.

I put that bottle there this morning.

Will you wait?

Don't give him the satisfaction.

Satisfaction? I am going to kill him and then I'm going to kill her.

Hey! Damn it. Hey!

This is the last time. I'm never going to...

Oh, God.

Oh.

Vic, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine. I just got to catch my breath.

Oh, shit. Sorry. Uh... Oh, you look really pale.

I've looked pale for the past 30 years.

Okay, no jokes. Do you think you're having a heart attack?

No, maybe I...

I've had this before.

Well, do you think we should call an ambulance just to be on the safe side? Don't be crazy.

I just need a minute.

Do you want some water? You know what? Screw it.

I'm gonna go get you some water. Okay?

Stay right here. All right?

Oh, God.

Oh, my God. You're Vic Edwards.

Gary, look. This is Vic Edwards.

Big fan of yours. Not just in the movies, as a football player. You were awesome.

...River. The FBI.

We're both big fans...

Whoa! Excuse me!

Hi. Excuse me. I really need water, please, right now. Thank you.

Why? What're you doing with the old guy?

Baby, let me get you a real drink.

An appletini for my future ex-wife.

Oh. Oh, no. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Hi. Have you seen an old man right here?

He was sitting in that chair. No?

No.

Excuse me. Uh, have you seen Mr. Edwards?

He was just sitting on the couch just a second ago.

No, I haven't seen Mr. Edwards.

How are you enjoying your suite?

It's wonderful, thanks.

Ladies and gentlemen, an unexpected surprise. Mr. Vic Edwards.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

♪ Cuddle up a little closer ♪

♪ Oh, lovely mine ♪

♪ Cuddle up and be my little ♪

♪ Clinging vine ♪

♪ Like to feel your cheeks so rosy ♪

♪ Like to make you comfy cozy ♪

♪ Cuz I love you from head to toesy ♪

♪ Lovely mine ♪

Can you imagine? The Vic Edwards.

At your daughter's wedding. Absolutely.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you. It's an unexpected honor and treat to be able to sing one of my favorite songs to the new Mr. and Mrs. Daniel Delson.

What do you do, sir?

I'm a doctor.

Impressive. What kind?

A colorectal surgeon.

Hmm. You know, Mrs. Delson, you have literally just married a pain in the ass.

Well, good luck to you and mazel tov.

How did you know Bjorn was such an asshole?

You pegged him on sight.

Well, it takes one to know one.

Yeah, yeah.

Do yourself a favor.

Steer clear of the bad boys from now on.

You can't fix us, you can't tame us.

Okay, bad boy. Okay.

What about that kid, Shane? He obviously likes you.

Wow, you pay closer attention than I thought.

Shane's been in love with me since fifth grade.

Well, then go out with him.

Try out a guy who really loves you.

You might like it.

Yeah, okay, Mr. Divorced Five Times.

How much do you really even know about love?

Were you ever even in love with anyone but yourself?

Ha-ha. I've been in love about a thousand times.

But real love?

Just once.

Just once.

It was fun while it lasted, wasn't it, Vic?

We had some great times, you and me.

You got to do things and see things that most people dream about.

Oh, yeah. Where'd it all go, man?

And what does any of it mean?

After all these years, I still can't figure it out.

What the game is about.

Survival. Who has the ability to survive.

That's the game. Yeah.

Well, I'm surviving. Barely.

I took it all for granted.

I thought I had it figured out.

I look in the mirror now and I have no idea who that person is, staring back at me.

Damn.

You're good-looking.

You know, time is like this river.

No matter what you do or don't do, no matter how much you think you can beat it, it just keeps rushing by.

You don't beat it.

You don't beat this river.

No, you don't.


Hey, Lil. You know who it is.

Been kind of trying to call you all night.

Uh, just kind of wondering where you are.

You're still at that hotel with that creepazoid old man.

Anyway, call me back. Bye.

Vic, you are so right.

The more I ignore douchebag's calls, the crazier it's making him.

Vic?

Vic?


Vic? Are you okay?

I've watched everyone I ever cared about die.

One by one, they seem to just disappear on me.

It won't be long before I disappear, too.

No, don't say that, Vic.

You want to know why I needed to come to Knoxville?

I needed to say goodbye.

Goodbye to the town that made me who I am.

Goodbye to the trees I climbed as a kid.

Goodbye to the school that taught me how to break the rules.

And the streets I wandered late at night.

The hiding places where I left all my secrets.

The town where I made so many, many mistakes.

And now it's time for one last goodbye.


Okay, Mrs. Schulman.

You have a very nice visitor today.

Mr. Edwards has come all the way from Los Angeles, California.

Now, the Alzheimer's may have progressed a little bit further than you're prepared for, but she's still a very sweet lady.

Isn't that right, Mrs. Schulman?

All right, I'm gonna leave you to visit.

Okay.

How's the food here?

Look at us.

Old fogeys.

But you still look beautiful.

You still look as beautiful as the day I met you.

We have a lot of good memories.

For what it's worth, I never loved anybody else like you.

Ours was the special one.

The first one.

The real one.

I came here to apologize, Claudia.

I just dealt you...

...a lousy hand.

I was a stupid, jackass kid.

All swept up in a crazy dream.

And I just left you and Gracie.

I just left.

I screwed it all up.

If I could go back and do it again, I would, baby.

I'd do it differently.

You were the one that loved me before anybody else even knew my name.

And I treated you like shit.

I got caught up in all the wrong things with all the wrong people.

I thought I knew it all.

I thought I had so much time to make it up.

I thought I could just snap my fingers and make things right.

And when Gracie killed herself...

That was all my fault, too.

It's all my fault.

It is.

Oh, darling.

Excuse me. Do I know you?

You really want to leave me here alone?

Well, I really want some food.

Well...

I know I shouldn't stop you, but I...

I feel safe with you around. You do?

Well, I am safe, ain't I?

Well, Justice will be back in a minute.

Justice ain't you.

Okay, that concludes our Vic Edwards Film Festival.

We are now gonna give out our Lifetime Achievement Award to the great Vic Edwards in absentia.

I'm sure if Vic were here, he would want to thank all the fans.

Don't put words in my mouth.

For crying out loud. Good Lord, man.

Oh, my... Vic...

Get me a chair.

Yeah, yeah, of course. Right away.

Unfortunately, until today, the last time I apologized for anything was in 1977.

I punched out a director on the set of Horse Power.

Well...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for being such an asshole.

Leaving the way I did.

I thought I was too good for this little film festival, but as it turns out, it's too good for the likes of me.

Winning this Lifetime Achievement Award has forced me to examine an important question that I've avoided as long as possible.

What have I really achieved in this lifetime?

Most of the movies I've made, everybody knows the way they're gonna end.

Right from the first scene.

Life's kind of like that.

Everybody knows how it ends. Back away!

But it's the scenes in the middle

that make it count.

The great producer Joseph E. Levine once told me, "An audience will forgive a shitty act two, "if you can wow them in act three."

Well...

I had a hell of an act one.

Pretty shitty act two.

And I screwed up most of act three.

I made certain of that.

But thanks to you and thanks to Doug and Shane and Stuart and Faith.

And especially Lil.

And everybody here.

You've helped me to see that maybe it's not too late for my Hollywood ending.


And so, with humility and pride

and deep appreciation that I, Martin Joel Schulman, proud son of Tennessee, humbly accept this Lifetime, so far,

Achievement Award.

And I'm gonna make damn sure that the rest of my life lives up to the honor of this.

Thank you.

Thank you, Doug.

I can't believe you just spent the whole weekend in Knoxville with Vic Edwards.

Did he talk about Murder Can Kill You?

Did he tell you any stories?

Thank you.

Hmm. Bye, Marty.

Hmm.


Uh, Lil? Where do you want this one?

There.

Yeah.

I told you so.

I know you did.

And you were right.

A Lifetime Achievement. How can I get one of those?

Can I rent it? I told them about you and they seemed interested.

Oh, stop it.