The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996) Script

Ow! Mrs. Claus is hot!


My name is Samantha Caine.

At least, I think it is.

You might not believe it to look at me, but I was born only years eight ago...

...on a beach in New Jersey.

I entered the world fully grown, wearing clothes I don't remember buying.

In the back pocket a single key...

...filed blank and faceless.

A fitting metaphor, but otherwise no help whatsoever. None.

Sometimes I stand naked in the mirror...

...try to guess my age.

Thirty-five, maybe?

I have lots of scars.

They call my condition focal retrograde amnesia.

It's no picnic, but we learned to live with it.

Got a job I love, been seeing someone.

Nice guy. Good sense of humor.

Uh-oh. Hound of the Baskervilles. Mad dogs. Mad dogs.

Hal, I gotta tell you. Yes? Yes?

Of all the Christmas pageants I have ever seen...

...this was by far the most recent. Ha, ha.

For God's sakes, Sam...

...I've got teenage girls that are playing the Three Wise Men.

What'd you expect?

Teenage boys?

I thought they did fine.

It was the first nativity where Joseph stares at the Wise Men's tits all night.

Yeah? Ha, ha.

Her name is Caitlin, and when I woke up on that long-ago day...

...I was two months pregnant with her.

I don't know who her father is. I may never.

I just know she's mine.

His name is Mr. Perkins.

My mom named him for me.

Caitlin! Come help in the kitchen! That's her.

That's who? Her mom.

She's got amnesia.

Swear? Swear.

Too weird.

Hello, girls.

Caitlin, come help me in the kitchen.

Hurry up, because I forget where it is.

Bah! Ha, ha.

Some more sugar.

Raymond! If I catch you smoking again...

...they'll never find the body. Understand?

Yes, Miss Caine. Have a cookie.

Quiet, everybody. As the year draws to a close, I would like...

I would like to share with you a few things about myself...

...things of which I am especially proud.

First, I'm proud to say that I don't smoke...

...I don't drink, and I don't swear.

Oh, shit, I do smoke and drink. Hal.

You see, right there. Block your ears.

To our dear friends...

...may the best of your past be the worst of your future.

I'll drink to that.

Take a bow, my dear. Take a bow.

We got the mistletoe.

Oh, sweetie.

Eight years. Hmm.

Except for my name, all traces are lost.

I used to hire expensive detectives.

Now I'm down to the cheap ones.

Doesn't seem to matter.

The woman I was, the one I used to be, she's gone.

I've kissed her good night.

Ha, ha. Police. Don't move.

What the hell is this? Ah, ah, ah.

Don't give me attitude, sir.

See, you're assuming I won't shoot your sorry ass...

...and everyone knows, when you make an assumption... make an ass out of "u" and "mption."

I'm Sergeant Madigan, Vice, and if you cop a 'tude, jerkoff...

...I will see to it you spend the next 10 years in prison getting ass-fucked.

If the case is thrown out because my arrest was too violent...

...I will personally hire men to ass-fuck you for the next 10 years.

So if you're an ass-fucking fan, you go ahead and mouth off.

Meanwhile, you're under arrest for the crime of prostitution.

Officer Donlevy, read him his rights.

What? His rights.

You have the remight...

You have the right to remain silent.

And, uh, anything you say and do will be held against you in a...

You gotta listen to me, man. I got a wife. This... I've never...

This is the first time I've done this.

Sir, sir.

Listen to me. I can see from your choice you're not a wealthy man.

Now, in light of the damage that this arrest could do to you...

...we might be able to make some arrangement.


Gotta stop using bums.

Forget that.

They looked like cops.

We pulled it off, didn't we?

It was embarrassing.

Want me to hire actors, for chrissake?

These guys are cheap. They work for food.

When they puke on you, is that a refund?

Oh, Trin...

...I'm pissing myself here, you're so funny.

What's this? I got movement on Samantha Caine.

You're kidding. Nope. I may have a lead on someone...

...who rented Amnesia Chick an apartment back in '87.

They still have some of her stuff.

Get out of here. Where'd that come from?

Lucky break. Old lady died and one of her asshole grandkids...

...found a credit card in a shoe box... Samantha Caine on it.

Tried to use it at Nordstrom's.

Okay, here's what we do.

You get on the phone to Amnesia Chick. Tell her we need more cash.

Hey, that was a really swell party.

Thanks again for the ride. Mm-hm.

You and Hal, you've been together now, what?

What? A couple of years? Mm-hm.

How often do you two, uh...?

Stick our fingers in our hands and pull them out again?

Every chance we get.

Earl, do me a favor.

Have bubbles come out of your mouth and say, "Hic."

Goddamn it, I am not drunk.

Here, I'll prove it to you.

Hey. Hey, come on.

Hey! Stop that!

I'm sorry. No!

And so much for the skydiving Santa of Hutchinson County.

Meanwhile, WICC News journeyed to Honesdale today...

...where Santa's Mrs. Kringle turned out to celebrate...

...her hubby's worldwide tour.

And after one look at her...

...I'm thinking Santa got what he really wanted this Christmas.

The parade included floats and participants from four counties.

Everyone enjoyed themselves, especially the young and the young at heart.

Up next...

Gotta be fucking kidding!


No fucking way!

It's impossible!

So you rest up.

And I'll see you in the morning.

Sweet dreams.

I want a cigarette.

I don't smoke.

You used to.

See how easy it comes back?

I'm coming back.

You know that, don't you?

Name's Charly, by the way.

You're gonna love me.

Now, this is the intergalactic slammer. It's a jail, all right?

This guy here, this is the Borium Dude. He's kind of like a dinosaur.

And this is his escape chute.

He's mean, quick, and he don't take no shit, either, all right?

He can shoot at the guards with his arrow right here.

It's cool, huh? Todd, time for dinner.


Guess you'd better go in.

Hey, hope you like the toy.

It's awesome.

Dad, Mom, she gets weird.

Like on my birthday when you gave me that Schwinn...

...she called the bicycle store to see if there's been any robberies.

Look, tell her I don't steal them locally, all right? Ha, ha.


Sorry, but I can't take this.

You know how Mom will get.

Guess I'll see you. Yeah. All right.

How do you like that?

Yo, Trin. Me. What's up?

Ready to be happy? Yeah.

Remember the landlady I told you about?

The Caine woman was her favorite tenant.

Then one day, the tenant never comes home.

Old lady very sad.

So sad, she can't throw away Amnesia Chick's shit.

It's pay dirt, Mitch.

Got an old postcard, never mailed.

Woman telling everyone she just got engaged.

Samantha's handwriting. Perfect match.

She was engaged to some guy in Jersey. No phone number, just an address.

Holy shit. Score.

Sweetheart, that's worth time and a half.

Double. I made us look good. Her other PIs couldn't find dick.

Of course not. Took a true dick-hound like yourself.

Tell Miss Caine I'm coming to see her tonight.

Honey, you have an, uh, ETA on that carrot?

Stow it.

Maybe you should just take it with you to school tomorrow.

Ha, ha. You're killing me. You're so funny. Ha, ha.

Here. Here. Give me the knife.

I'm gonna cut this carrot...

...and you'll eat the blood-soaked pieces and like it. Piss off.

Hon? Mm?

Look at something, will you?

How the hell do you...?

I used to do this.

I'm a chef. Yahoo!

Look what she's doing here.

Give me something else.

Quick. Anything. Uh...

Here. Go. I'm hot to trot.

Tomato, tomato. Tomato!

Look at this.

Look at this woman go. Okay, okay, fine.


Pepper! Pepper! Celery!

Look at this!

More! More! Scallions!

Scallions. Give her scallions.

One more tomato.

Look at this. Look at this woman. She's amazing!

Chefs do that.

Timothy, I know you're gonna kill me. I know you're gonna kill me.

Please use the gun, not the knife.

As a favor to me. I'm begging you.

Goddamn it, how can I tell the feds about the fucking Honeymoon thing?

I don't know a fucking thing about it.

No, you don't.

I don't know a fucking thing.

You know, I can tell when someone's lying to me.

What's so fucking important?

Remember your old colleague...

...One-Eyed Jack?

Yeah. He's doing seven to 10 upstate.

Not anymore. He broke out.

Two days after seeing something on TV that "disturbed" him.

Yeah, I saw that too. It's called Baywatch Nights.

Wanna get to the fucking point?

While under sedation, he said Charly Baltimore's alive, sir.

Daedalus is understandably concerned.

He was under the impression you disposed of her eight years ago.

I know it's unlikely, but if she were alive...

...i think she might be in contact with the old man in Massachusetts.

Tap his phone.

Tell Daedalus I'm on my way. Timothy out.

I can't see Mr. Perkins.

He's there. He's on the sled. See him?

He's watching you.

He's very excited.

Oh, that's better.

Ready to try it alone?

I want you to hold my hand. Ah.

Oh. Just pretend I am.

You can do it.

Piece of cake. Here we go.


Mom, it won't work, I swear. Sure, it will!

You're one of the X-Men. You're tough.

Ready? Let's go.

Three, two, one, go.

Wait! I'm not ready!

Go! Go! Keep going! Keep going! Keep going!



I can't do it. I wanna go home.

Look, I know you're afraid.

That's the whole point. Can't you see that?

Stop being a little baby and get up.

I can't skate anymore. My wrist hurts.

Life is pain.

Get used to it.

See, you will skate all the way to the shore, princess...

...and you will not fall again.

Am I understood?

I'm just guessing, but, uh, this is a tree house.

I think you wanted a doghouse.

Little joke.

She said that her wrist hurt.

I didn't know it was fractured.

I don't remember...

...what I said to her.

I can't remember.


For God's sake, I'm not gonna hurt you.

It's not me I'm worried about.

Evening, Charly.

Long time.

Mommy! Get out!

Mommy! Help!


I want my eye back, bitch!


Chefs do that.


Oh, my God! We have to find Caitlin! Caitlin!

Caitlin! No!

Slow down, slow down! Your kid's okay. She's in my car.

Jesus! What the hell's going on here?


Don't hurt him!

Don't shoot!

Yeah, don't shoot, like she said!

Call an ambulance!

This man, he's going to help me find out some things... we'll be safe. You understand?

When will you be back home?

Before you know it, I swear.

Here. I want you to keep a candle burning... a window for me.

That's called keeping a vigil.


That's to light my way home.


This is to my portable phone.

I keep it with me.

You call me any time.


Why don't you keep this?

For luck.

Let's have Mr. Perkins wear it.

There. See?

You do what you have to.

But, Sam...

...the person you used to be...

Whatever you find, I'm not scared.

I never will be, not ever.

Thank you.


Mr. Perkins, you lost one of your agents...

...whose training included, among other things...


And now she turns up as belle of the Christmas parade.

Well, that information is, uh, two weeks old, Mr. President.

To my knowledge, Charlene Baltimore died... my employ, relic of the Cold War.

The kind of violent operative that has since been eliminated from our ranks.

You recruited this woman?

For Chapter, sir.

In the late '70s her father was a friend of mine.

Stop that. I don't wanna hear that stuff.

Intelligence community.

You people are unbelievable.

You dump a mess like this in my lap...

...and then you come whining to me and say, "Where is our funding?"

Well, I'll tell you where it is.

Can you say "healthcare"?

I'm not talking about the linen And I don't wanna change your life Moving in.


It's, um... it's... The song's not about linen. It's not linen.

Yeah, whatever. So you cold?

Yeah. Freezing.

I'll turn on the heat.

Doesn't work, but it makes an annoying noise...

...distracts from the cold. I'll pass.


Who knew I had an old fiancé?

And now we're just gonna pay a surprise visit?

Well, there are no bells or whistles going off...

...because I don't remember any of this.

Jeez, that's too bad, because that's the cream of the crop, believe me.

I forgot to ask.

Why is it that you got so far?

Say what?

Well, I mean... seem kind of low-rent.

No offense.

None taken.

Really, I was about to... Hey!

Hey, now!



Mm. Ahem.

Are you Okay? Hmm?

Is your neck all right? You don't have whiplash?


I'm just...

Uh, since you almost just ran us off the road...

...I'm wondering, um, what it is that you take away...

...from an experience like that.

Don't get me wrong. I mean, I'm sure it's very enriching in some way.

And I know that she was probably very moved... having some asshole hang out the window and go, "Woo-hoo!"

Hey, I didn't hang out the window and go, "Woo, woo, woo."

I checked out her form, okay?

If it's any consolation, you got her beat hands down.

Really? Yeah.

From the neck up.

This is exciting.

You saw her tits. It's so neat.

Look, it's a guy thing, all right?

Hey, now, you got a nice body and all...

...but those, you could see them coming around the corner.

You got time to comb your hair. Shit.

Hey, hey, hey.

What's that?

Charly was my name in the dream.

"To Charly. Love, Nathan."

Nathan J. Waldman, PhD.

All right. Let's find a phone. Found one.

Find his number.

Take the stand.

I got it. Now what'll I do with it?

Sit down!

Alice, please.

Your dog, Alice.

It and my appetite are mutually exclusive.

Well, what's wrong with the dog? It's simple.

He's been licking his asshole for the last three straight hours.

I submit there is nothing there worth more than an hour's attention...

...and I should think that whatever he is attempting to dislodge... either gone for good or there to stay.

Wouldn't you agree?

Yes. Hello.

Mr. Waldman? Um...

I got your number from a Realtor... Massachusetts, and, uh, Pd just like to speak to you.

Who is this?

You tell me, Mr. Waldman.


My full name, please.


It's really you.

Chapter, they think you're dead.

Everyone thinks... My full name, please.

You don't know your name?

Your full name: Charlene Elizabeth Baltimore.

Don't talk, Charly. Just listen.

You could be in danger. Understand?

We must meet.

We must meet straightaway. Where are you now?


Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania.

We'll meet halfway.

There's a town in New Jersey, Chestermon.

Tomorrow, Central Train Station... 11 a.m.

Meet me.

I'll tell you everything.

Signal Daedalus. We got her.

Some what? Curry brand cat food.

- Could you spell that? Yeah. Curry brand.

All this shit is the same.

You don't happen to have a cat by any chance...?

What do I need a cat for? I got a girl.

Yeah. Pussy's pussy.

You got a girl, I got a cat.

Mom, can I stay up for Rugrats?

What, sweetie? I lost you.

Rugrats. I want to stay up.

Yes. You can stay up for Rugrats. Oh, good.

I'm gonna go now.

All right.

Mommy loves you. I love you too.

Big kiss.

- Bye, Mom. Good night.

Put my glasses in my pocket

Put the jacket on the chair

I, um, sing the things I do, you know, so I won't forget.

Like, uh:

Turning off the downstairs light Before I go to bed at night


I can't take this fucking waiting.

Excuse me. Do you normally curse this much?

I didn't...

What, are you a Mormon?

Yes, I'm a Mormon.

That's why I just smoked a pack of Newport and drank three vodka tonics.

What I'm saying is...

...back when we first met... were all like, "Oh, phooey. I burned the darn muffins."

Now, you go into a bar, 10 minutes later, sailors come running out.

What up with that?

Thanks for sharing.

Mind your own damn business.

While you're at it, if you're gonna smoke inside...

...close the damn door.


Hey, I heard you screaming.


Henessey, I didn't know about the gun.

I wasn't hiding things. I swear.

Goddamn it. Stop walking.

I'm going home.

Hey! And so are you!

I paid you!

Well, here. Here. Take your money. Take it!

I can't go home...

...until I know why that man tried to kill me.

I'm trapped. It's like I'm in goddamn prison.

Do you know how that feels? Yeah!

Yeah, I know exactly what that's like.

Four years inside! Marion, Illinois.

A real shithole.

And I'm not going back!

Seven years ago I was an Atlanta cop.

Me and my partner handled a lot of impounded shit.

That motherfucker hated me.

I forget why, but he did.

Well, one weekend, when he was conveniently away...

...some bonds disappeared from his office.

Lo and behold, when my brothers in blue responded to an anonymous tip...'ll never guess what they found sitting in my closet.

The bonds. Your partner put them there.

Oh, no, no, no. I did.

I stole the damn things.

I never did one thing right in my life, you know that?

Not one.

That takes skill.

You just missed our exit. Mm-hm.

Give me back my money.

Oh, so you're...?

I'm taking you to the train station, yes, to meet Mr. Waldman.

Merry Christmas.

Bah, humbug.

Look out the window and shut up.

You know we're about 10 minutes early.

Got a bad feeling about this.

Putting the keys in my left pocket Gun in the right-hand side Makes a bulge. People can see.

Want me to stick it in my pants, shoot my dick off?

You're a sharpshooter?

Going to shake hands with the man

How you doing? Hi.

That's for you.

Another in a long line of bad personal investments.

Excuse me?

I just saw the ring on your finger.

Do I know you from somewhere?

Back up.

Total pickup line. Forget I said it. I take it back.

Thank you for the beer, but I don't know you. No.

No, you don't.

And I can tell when someone's, uh, lying to me.

I, uh, am sorry to have bothered you.

Yours? Yeah.

Who's your boyfriend?

Oh, some guy.

Okay, people. I got what I need.

Move in. Do them both.

Hey, hey.

That man walking this way.

Is that him?

I think so.

Mr. Waldman?


Jesus wept.

Let's go, Miss Caine. We gotta get to the car.

This way! This way! This way! Come on! Come on! Go!

No! No! No! Come on!

Shit, there's more of them! No! No! No! This way!

Come on, come on, come on!

Come on, Miss Caine! Come on! Come on, goddamn it! Come on!

Where are they? Oh, shit!

Here, take this. Take it. Take it.

I got three shots left in this revolver.

You got a full clip. Just point and spray, okay?

Ready? Yeah.


Fuck it! Run for your life!

There's no way out!


That's a three-story drop! Are you crazy?

What happened? I saved your ass. It was great.

Come on. We gotta get to the car.

Come on! Come on! This way! This way! Come on. Come on.

Get down! Get down! Get down!

Get in, both of you. Now!

I said, now!

We jumped out of a building.

Yes. It was very exciting. Tomorrow, we go to the zoo.

You're Waldman.

No, I'm the Hills Bros.' bean buyer.

Who else would I be? Hang on.

If you want me to talk in front of him, you may be asked to kill him later.

What? Your call.

What? Fire out the back if you have to.

Jesus, old man. How many of those things you got?

Three. One shoulder, one hip, and one next to Mr. Wally...

...where pat-downs never reveal it... an agent's often reluctant to feel up a man's groin.

Any other questions? What's the weather like on your planet?

Charlene, my darling.

My name is Samantha. Samantha Caine.

No, no, no! Forget all that.

That teacher business was your cover.

Do you hear me, Charly? Hear what I'm saying?

Your memory was gone. You got confused. You bought your own cover.

It was a fantasy, for chrissake!

Samantha Caine never existed. You wrote the bloody thing.

No. It's not a fantasy. I'm in the goddamn PTA.

Then quit!

You're an assassin working for the United States government.

I ought to know.

I trained you.

Get the fuck out of here! Ha, ha.

Assassin? Ha, ha.

Your father was in the Royal Irish Rangers, assigned to Belfast.

After he was murdered there in 1975...

...his friend Perkins adopted you.

Or perhaps I should say recruited you... work for Chapter, a black-bag operation working from the U.S. State Department.

You getting this?

October, 1988.

You're assigned to take out a munitions dealer, Daedalus...

...and his hired enforcer, Timothy.

You failed to complete your mission...

...electing instead to die, of all things, despite clear orders to the contrary.

And dead you remained until, without preamble... re-emerge eight years later and a good deal frumpier.

Anyhow, I think we can safely assume...

...that Daedalus is aware of your resurrection...

...and attempting to reverse it.

He'll be watching the police, watching hospitals.

We must stay away. Understand?

Yes, Mr. Henessey? Can I help you?

Henessey, what is it?

It's a setup. It's gotta be.

Put that down. This is not an episode of television.

Those guys back there at the train station, how'd they know we'd be there, huh?

Impossible, unless Waldman here told them.

I did not. They tapped your phone at least.

I know it sounds preposterous...

Oh, just happened to know we'd be calling? Get in the car.

See here, my friend...

Oh, shit!

Oh, damn!

Get in the car now!

So how about it?

You believe any of that crap he said back there?

Oh, I don't... No.

That guy was a lunatic.

We gotta talk to someone else.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

I hope not, because I'm thinking how much my balls hurt.

But if you're talking about that postcard, I don't wanna meet more of your friends.

We have no choice.

We need some answers or we're gonna die.

I saw you from the road.

I think your name is Luke...

...and I think I was gonna marry you.


Oh, baby. Hey.

Oh, man.


She's my only daughter...

...and I don't quite trust you yet.

So, what about it?

You and Mr. Outdoors here bump pelvis?

It's possible.

Uh-huh. Um, how about your daughter?

What's her name? Cat head? Caitlin.

Yeah, well, you think he might be the father? Huh?

I don't know. I don't know.

But all these little details about him are coming back.

I'm remembering things about him.

Like what?

Look, is this America's Funniest Practical Videos or something?

Keep your hands where I can see them.

I had an itch.

Charly, this is crazy.

You and me, we were like...


Don't you remember? Hell, you pursued me.

I know that he has a pin in his leg. Car accident.

I know he... He cuts his own hair.

He doesn't even own a TV.

He sits down when he pees...

Hey, that's enough. I'm getting a boner here, all right?

Henessey, I know this man, okay?

I must have been seeing him.

Let me talk to him.


I'm sorry.

You wanna take a walk?

Got me a handgun

Got a rifle too

Anybody fucks with Mitch He knows just what to do

'Cause I'm a bad motherfucker Stay quiet and drop the rifle.

How'd you find us?

There may be reasons not to kill you...

...but among them is not that you'll be missed by NASA.

I found the address in your coat.


Between the address of a topless bar...

...and the picture of what looks like a man's penis.

That's a duck, not a dick.

The man she's with, who is he?

He's her former fiancé. His name's Luke.

Former fiancé? Hey, hey, hey.

That's ridiculous. She was never engaged.

For chrissake, I went through this with her.

She knows how the man pees.

Look at him. He's cool.

A former fiancé.

Why on earth would she think that?

We found a note. It's in her handwriting.

She saw a note? Who are you, William Shatner? Calm down.

Yeah, a note to her uncle.

Max? Yeah.

Uncle Max. That's the agency, you blithering idiot.

And the word "engaged" means she's locked on to target. Fuck!

He's not her former lover, he's a target?

That's why she knows personal things. She studied the bastard to assassinate him.


Charly! Stop!

Charly! He's Daedalus!

Get out of there! It's him!

He is Daedalus, Charly!

Well, howdy there.

If it isn't the forgetful spy. How you feeling?

You're the man from the bar.

Would you look at her? She's not faking it.

She doesn't know me from Adam.

It's not that I don't trust my compadre here, Major Baltimore.

In fact, I had every confidence that your amnesia was genuine...

...until you showed up here.

You follow?

I'm trying to pull off the biggest job of my career... you see, darling, I have to know how much about me... really remember, and who you told.

I haven't told a soul. I swear.

We'll soon know.

What is this? Some kind of torture thing?

Torture, yes.

A woman's face never looks quite so beautiful... when it's distended in pain.

Witness the beauty of childbirth.

Untie me and I'll make any face you want. Let's not and say we did.

Take a deep breath. We're gonna do the torture thing.

Operation Honeymoon's on schedule.

I've secured the tanker.

Now I just gotta make the soup.

I'll follow as soon as I'm done here.

Ten minutes in this cold water, she'll be insane or dead.

Five minutes. She'll tell me everything I need.

That's right. Take all the air you can.

If you need to vomit, do it now.

So you, uh, don't remember anything at all?

Best night of your fucking life.

I say drown the Wench.

Talk to me, major.

Is my identity safe?

My name is Samantha Caine.


Answer the question.

Who knows about me?

Nobody. Fuck you!

Fuck you!

I hate to see you like this, Charly.

I heard you were a hell of a spy once.

Watch your back.

I'm not done yet.

Good night.

Okay. I'll signal Daedalus.

Your money will be waiting.


Jack. Jack!

Do yourself a favor, man.

Don't let her looks fool you.

She's the Energizer fucking Bunny.

Just do her and dump her.

Don't try to get cute and play doctor first.

I made that mistake. It nearly killed me.



...I'll make you a deal.

Let me go now...

...and I'll leave you the use of your legs.

Why have you resurfaced?

Is it Operation Honeymoon? Is that it?

Who sent you?

Why are you here?

I let you touch me, cowboy.

I think I need a bath.

Samantha, please.

Who's Samantha?

Where's Henessey?

... the lengthening of its neck makes it easier for it to swim.

Its front feet are larger...

...and that's good, to have paddle-like feet to move through water...

Hey, Mitch.

You're awake.

Uh-oh. You're seeping.

Here. Look at this.


Shit. Mm!

Ow, that hurt like shit.

I know. That's why I distracted you first.

Same principle as deflowering virgins.

What? Virg...? What?

I read it in this Harold Robbins book.

Guy bites her on the ear, distracts from the pain.

You ever try that?

No, no. I sock them in the jaw and yell, "Pop goes the weasel."

Who the fuck are you?

The name's Charly.

The SPY-

Nice to meet you.



Now, as you can see, things are still very crazy here...

...but the sheriff has told me this:

There have been gunshots, and yes...

Okay, let's say I buy it.

You are a trained killer.

I can't even say that with a straight face.

So Samantha, she, um...

Never really existed.

Like Nathan said, she was a total fabrication.

I made her up. Mm.

So now she's just, uh, gone forever and ever?

Thank God.

Look at my inordinately large ass.

Look what she did to me.

Pretty convincing act.

I guess.

You know, her, uh, personality had to come from somewhere.

Change the subject.

Better yet, bring me that bottle.

Here you go. Drink up.

So, what's next?

What do we do now?

I contact Chapter.

I come in for debriefing...

...bury the last eight years...

...get back to work.


Would you believe it, Harry?

We got an appropriations review in three weeks...

...and the president wants to know how I lost an agent.

Yes, sir. You have a call on line 3, sir.

Gonna tell me who it is?

Charly Baltimore, sir.

Run a trace.

This is Mr. Perkins.

Turn on the TV.

Farm in New Jersey. Seven dead.


Good Lord, girl. We've been looking all over for you.

I got a photo of you in a Christmas parade. What the hell is happening?

Don't be stupid.

I completed my assignment.

You mean Daedalus?

I shot him. He's pretty much dead.

Actually, I would have done it earlier, say back in '92...

...but I was baking. Don't ask.

I wanna come in.

Sure. Of course.

Let me direct you to a safe house.

Forget it. We play it my way.

You want me back, then you stay away. I'll call you.

Those are the rules, understand?


Did you hear that?

If she got to Daedalus...

...she could know about Honeymoon.

She might know that old targets have become your new best friends.

That could be trouble.

Goddamn you.

There were weapons at that farm. She's armed now.

Shh. Stop having kittens.

You're the head of a major spy network, and you have a tendency to whine.

Do you realize that?

She could compromise this entire operation.

We have 24 hours.

We find her...

...then we kill her.

Do whatever it takes, but be careful.

If it gets out you work for me...

...I'll be grabbing my ankles on the White House lawn.

The lady's wacked, Trin. She's lost it. I gotta get out of here.

Look, I need you to meet me.

I'll sneak back out to this phone and call you at midnight with the details.


All right, Sam. What did that accomplish?

I'm testing our boy Perkins.

Got a light?

I don't really trust him.

Come again?

A little experiment.

If he was looking for me in Pennsylvania, he sure as hell tapped your office.

You mean he just traced that call? Mm-hm.

Come midnight, you hang by the phone.

If he wants to erase me...

...he'll send someone to kidnap and torture you for my whereabouts... which case, hey, I don't trust him.

No, no, no. Time out.

I haven't had a date in eight years, Mitch.

Is this a fun date?

What's going on?

True love. Shut the fuck up.


White lady seducing the colored help.

Get real, sweetheart.

I ain't handsome, I ain't rich...

...and the last time I got blown, candy bars cost a nickel.

What's going on?

Chemistry. Go figure.

Chemistry, my ass.

You know what I think?

I think this is why you'd fuck me.

To kill a schoolteacher.

To bury her once and for all.

I kind of liked that schoolteacher.

When she comes back, give me a call, all right?

Oh, and call your fucking kid.

It's two days to Christmas.

She might be under the mistaken impression Mommy gives a fuck.

I didn't ask for the kid.

Samantha had the kid, not me.

Nobody asked me.

Merry Christmas.

Good evening, pretty lady. How about some company?

No, thanks. I'm saving myself till I get raped.

Step in the alley.

I ain't asking you. I'm telling you.


Goddamn it. You're early. So Perkins wants me dead, huh?

What's the rush?

Why don't you go away and come back at midnight?


Hey, honey, this is a real big fucking gun.

This ain't no ham on rye, pal. What the hell are you doing?

Saving your life.

I would've come sooner, but I was thinking up that line.

You think I can't take him?

Probably scared the others away. What others?

Headhunters, nimrod.

They don't travel alone.

Were you always this stupid, or did you take lessons?

I took lessons. Hey.


I still got this fucking gun.

Fuck this.

Put that away.

I'm out of here.

Perkins, you prick.

Now you want me dead. Why?

What's going on?

Easy, sport. I got myself out of Beirut once.

I think I can get out of New Jersey.

Yeah? Well, don't be so sure. Others have tried and failed.

The entire population, in fact.


You keep saying "I" this, "I" that, like, well...

It's like you don't need me anymore.

Good point.

Hey, hey, hey.

Get in.

Found a use for me, huh?


I'm leaving the country, Mitch.

I need a fake passport, and I need money, lots of it.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Hold on a minute while I pull that out of my ass.

The key, Mitch.

The one I keep on that charm bracelet?

It opens Box 227 in a bank in Buffalo.

How the fuck would you know? The numbers are filed off.

I filed them off.

There's a briefcase in Box 227.

It's got cash and IDs in it.

I need you to get them for me.

Pfft. Ha-ha-ha.

Shit. I should have known.


So where's this charm bracelet?

Yeah, well, that's the thing about being a secret agent, Mitch.

Nothing is ever simple.

Drive past. Don't slow down.

You can park under those trees.

Honk if there's any trouble.

Yes, Miss Daisy. I be honking.

Good morning, Raymond.

Good morning, Miss Caine.

What did we learn about the dangers of smoking?

Give it here.

Thanks. Tell anyone you saw me...

...I'll blow your fucking head off.


Shoot the son of a bitch.

Oh, shit.


You're about to have 2.4 children.

Oh, please.

Merry Christmas.

So how far to the money?

Hour, tops.

I haven't seen a cop in a while. Hmm.

So, Mitch...

...still think I'm warm and fuzzy?

Oh, yeah, sure.


Phone bill, Christmas card.

You could've aimed for those guys' shoulders.

Back off, man. Ha, ha.

You know, I'm thinking maybe Samantha Caine wasn't an act.

Yeah, you had amnesia and all...

...but I think maybe you forgot to hate yourself for a while. How about it?

What the fuck is that?



It's me. I got your kid.

Give your location. Don't waste time.

State Road 5...

...15 minutes east of Union Springs, New York.

I don't like cellular phones, so here's how we do this.

Go to the Holiday Inn nearest you.

There's one in Cayuga.

Be there when I call in 15 minutes.


He's got the kid.


He's routing me to a landline. Doesn't want to talk over the airwaves.

Oh, shit.

Maybe we can trace him.

Trace him? How? It's a random hotel.

How long did he give you? Fifteen minutes.


Why don't we try the phone company?

Think you can get here in under 15 minutes?

Nobody move.


You've got 40 seconds to run a patch for me.

Everybody up. Against the wall.

Holiday Inn. Chet speaking.

I'd like to page Charlene Baltimore, please.

Please hold.


Hi. It's me.

No shit. Verify you have the kid.

How else would I get your cellular number?

I got it off the cast on her right wrist.

Right below "Mommy loves you."

I offer up a simple trade. You for the girl.

I'll tell you where and when.

And, Charly... fuck with me...

...I'll blind the kid and shoot out her knees.

Give me an ANI trace.

Do it.

How do you know so much about this Timothy?

Oh, what do you think? I bumped pelvises with him.

He was a target, remember?


That call was placed from Niagara Falls.

Niagara Falls?

Operation Honeymoon.



What's he doing here?

Timothy acting alone, we had a chance.

Charly's hooked.

All we gotta do is set a time and a place.

My God. We're monsters. Mm.

You talk to me about Honeymoon.

Tanker's ready.

One terrorist on ice waiting to play patsy.

And no loose ends? No, no. Not that I can tell.

Feds are gonna find them crashed in a ravine five miles from the blast site.

I'm not a complete ogre.

The young one gets a doll to play with for Christmas.

Oh, fuck you.

I think I should go in first. Negative.

You'd just screw it up.

Hey, I'm a much better shot up close.

You couldn't hit a lake if you were on the bottom.

Forget it.


The guards are at 126.9 megahertz.

You meet me at 127.1 if you need to talk.

As soon as you spot me with the kid, you start laying down cover fire.

All right.

They're gonna blow my head off, you know.

This is the last time I'll ever be pretty.

Northeast sector, all clear.

Roger, Northeast.


Round her up, gentlemen. I want her alive and unmarked.

Run. She's got the kid.

I smell gasoline.

Did you have a little accident?

I got plenty of matches up here. It would be a bad way for a kid to go.

Thirty seconds. Think it over.

Oh! Pick him up.

I'm gonna miss you, major.

You ought to have stayed dead.

You don't know the rules anymore.

Tell me about it. Eight years ago, this guy was on the hit list.

Budget cuts, dear.

Congress blinded us overseas.

I was forced to turn to any eyes and ears I could find...

...even if that meant recruiting the quote-unquote "bad guys" here.

Budget cuts, is that what this is about?

Operation Honeymoon.

Fuck me. You're running a fundraiser.



World Trade Center bombing, remember?

During the trial, one of the bombers claimed the CIA had advanced knowledge.

The diplomat who issued the terrorists' visa was CIA.

It's not unthinkable they paved the way for the bombing...

...purely to justify a budget increase.

You're gonna fake some terrorist thing just to scare some money out of Congress?

Well, unfortunately, Mr. Henessey...

...I have no idea how to fake killing 4000 people.

So we're just gonna have to do it for real.

Oh, blame it on the Muslims, naturally.

Then I get my funding.

Good night, old girl.

Timothy, I'll be in Chopper 1. All right.

No, no, no. Just her.


I'll be waiting for you to come rescue me.

Be just a minute.


So you plant this poor Arab to take the fall.

What's going out in the tanker?

Come on.

I'm gonna die. I wanna know.


Chemical bomb.

Chain reaction.

Once started, it can't be stopped.

The catalyst injected into the tanker heats up.

We, uh, pull the truck into the center of town.

It goes critical around midnight.

Farewell. Adieu.

Timothy. Yeah?


...let my kid go.

I'm about all out of favors, there, Chuck.

But I'm already letting you spend time with the kid while you freeze to death.

Now, they're, uh...

They're gonna find your bodies somewhere in Pennsylvania.

And you're just gonna be written off as some crazy mommy...

...who kidnapped her own kid...

...died with her in a blizzard.

Goddamn you.

Look at her eyes.

Now, why would I wanna do that?

Because they're yours.

That night with you, I got pregnant.

The little girl is your daughter.

That's priceless.

Would you bring my little bitch in here?


Hi, princess.

You mind if I take a look at your fucking eyes?

It's all right, Caity.

We're gonna take a nap together.

We'll be like the bears in the winter.

Yeah, bears. Okay. Thank you. Thank you.

It ain't over.

You're gonna die screaming.

And I'm gonna watch.

Am I telling the truth?

Mommy, it's cold in here.

Shh, just for a minute.

Polar bears, remember?


Step over there, sweetie.

Give me a spark.

Hi, Mitch.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

For you, Tim, always a pleasure to wait.

I wanted to tell you this story. Um, the Grinch, like a mean fucker, but...

Come on. Do it.

Do it!

It being Christmas Eve, I'm gonna give you a choice.

The knife or the gun.

Do it.

Mommy, don't cry.

I keep these here for lighting your candle.

Oh, Caity.

I love you.

Sam called Washington.

By morning, this place will be crawling with feds.

We're gonna be gone by then, Mitch.

That's what I'm saying.

A couple of feds said they couldn't sleep, so they might come early.

That tanker goes bang at 312 degrees Celsius.

Right in the center of town...

...25 minutes from now.

Mommy, am I gonna die?

Oh, no, baby.

No, you're not gonna die.

They are.

Cover your ears.

Hey, should we get a dog?

Bye, Mitch.

Thanks for coming.

Oh, shit.

I know! Watch your fire!

Ha, ha. You foxy bitch.

Mommy. Run, Caity.



Yeah, Sam, they don't know who they're fucking with.

Skin looks fine. Yeah, looks all right from here.

Where the fuck is that kid going?


Move it out! And find that bitch.

All right, people, listen up.

Nothing changes.

Icy roads, five miles past the town limit.

Plant the car in the ravine...

...and get your asses out of there.

Where'd you go, baby?

Show Mommy.


Sam, are you out there?

Sam, where are you?

Mitch. I don't believe it.

I just saw Caitlin climb in the back of the truck.

She's locked in the toolbox, left rear.

Jesus. The truck is a bomb.

Tell me something I don't know.

Timothy rigged it.

Three hundred-twelve degrees, it goes boom.

We got 20 minutes, tops.

I'll go in and get her.

No chance. I'm close.

I make it a dozen with automatic weapons.

So kill them for me, bitch. What are you good for?

Okay, you can do this.

Mitch, no.

Just do one thing right.

Talk to me, Mitch.

Please. - Mitch.

Goddamn it.

Your 9, Mitch, on your 9.

Thirty degrees left, Mitch. Left.

Your other left.

They got you flanked.

Mitch, get out, now!

Mitch! Shit!


Move it out. Let's go.

Okay, listen up. She's gonna make a try for the payload... Units 2 and 4, watch your backs.

Sky 1, get me a chopper in the air.

I'm on my way. Out.

Let me through.

Coming through.


Clear out of the way. This truck's gonna blow up.


Sir, she's got the truck.

She's headed out of town.

I'm hurt real bad. I think I'm dying.

Continue dying. Out.

Head her off, please.

Oh, fuck.

No. No!

Oh, not fair.

Not fucking fair.

Get out of the way.

Hang on, Caity.

Suck my dick, every one of you bastards.

Shit. Shit.

Oh, honey, only four inches?

You'll feel me.




She must be in the truck.

Get away from her.

Mom. No!



Caity. Mommy, I hit my head.

Come on.

Okay. Hold on.

Caity, run.

Get out.

Don't go away again, please.

Caity, the truck is a bomb.

It's gonna blow up.


I'm right behind you, baby.

Go, and don't look back.

Good girl.

Here! Over here!

Mommy, no.

It's okay.

I'm sorry I left.

Please get up.

Charlie Team 1, we're in position and ready to advance.

Charlie 1, that's a negative.

Orders are to stand down until notified.

Would you stop it?

Stop being a little baby.

Get up now. You're not dead.

Don't you die.

You get up now.

Life is pain.

You just get used to it.

So stand up right this minute, Mommy.

You're grounded.

Get me to the bridge.

I'm not leaving till I know that bitch is dead.

Somebody help me.

I got a kid here.

I got my 8-year-old daughter, do you hear me?

Somebody get this motherfucker off me.

Help me. Negative, ma'am.

We understand your request, but...

That's right. You can't kill me, motherfuckers.




Get in. Sam.

Stay here. Here.

I'm here. Sam.

I'm here, you bastard.

I'm here, you bastard!

Die screaming, motherfucker.

Don't let her get to the border! They're heading for the border!


Don't hit the cars.


I can't drive anymore.


Are you okay?

Are you stupid?

Hey, gorgeous.

You got your mommy's eyes.

Don't let nobody tell you different.

Hey, hang in there, partner.

Did you forget we're rich?


Ms. Caine, I'm putting your call through to the president.

Hello, Miss Caine. Yes, Mr. President.

I owe you.

The country owes you a debt of tremendous gratitude.

I wonder, would I be out of line if I asked you to come back into government... for the State Department?

Out of the question, sir.

I've got a stack of papers to grade.

The money involved would be substantial.

You'd be surprised how much a good teacher can earn.

Oh, gosh, I know.

And I am working on it, but it's for next term.

Before I go, sir, there is a small favor I'd like to ask.

Welcome to Larry King Live.

Tonight we seek closure in the matter of Leland Perkins...

...indicted on six counts of high treason.

Joining us tonight is CIA Section Chief Walter Hodge.

He's in Langley, Virginia.

At our studios in New York City...

...intelligence analyst Jack E. Wadsworth.

And in our studios here tonight is Pittsburgh native Mitchell Henessey...

...who, at a surprise press conference...

...was singled out by the president of the United States...

...for his role in this affair.

As the expression goes, "That ain't hay."

Thanks for coming. Thank you, Mr. K, for having me.

Mitch, you have had one hell of a Christmas Eve...

...and we have heard from our reporter Carla Krebs, on the scene in Niagara Falls...

...when she heard this stow, she didn't believe it.

Well, what, uh, Carla failed to realize, Mr. King... that I'm always frank and earnest with women.

In New York, I'm Frank.

In Chicago, I'm Earnest. Ha-ha-ha.

Good boy.

Yeah, I could just sit out here forever.