The Longest Yard (2005) Script

2 00:01:28,376 --> 00:01:29,621 Hey, sexy. Hi.

I love that dress.

Of course you do, Lorenzo. You made it.

Ah, there you are. Hi. Lena.

You've done it again. Well, it's all for you, Bradlee.

Gotta mingle.

Oh, the girls are by the pool.

Well, well, well, Lena. So, where's this sexy boy toy of yours hiding?

I didn't know you were a football fan, Patrick.

I've never watched a game. I'm just a big fan of his old underwear ads.

Well, he's probably just getting out of the shower. Let me go hurry his ass up.

Hi. Hey, babe.

Start of the fourth quarter, and Owens will throw. He's got Brown wide open!

You have got to be kidding me!

Honey, just let me finish the game, I'll take you to the movies.

Take me to the movies?

Hello! There's a huge party going on downstairs.

Remember the catering trucks, the valet parkers?

Oh, shit, I forgot.

I'll tell you what you should forget about.


Because it's forgotten all about you.

Now, you're gonna put this outfit on that I bought you, drag your drunken ass downstairs and mingle with my clients like a good boy.

Who am I? Elton John? I ain't wearing that shit.

Yes, you are. I'm not your trained monkey, honey.

No. You're much more expensive than that.

But I tell you what.

If you're not downstairs in five minutes, I'm gonna throw you out of my bed, out of my house and out of my life.

Then you're gonna have to pay for your own bananas.

I'm just so mad at you because you're not wearing my gift.


What gift?

It's like a... I-love-you gift. I left it in the closet for you.


Paul, I'm so excited. Yeah.

I can't believe you did this.

Where'd you put it? In the back, on the right.

Paul? Paul, what are you doing?

I think we need some alone time, honey, so... I'm gonna go take a cruise in your Bentley.

Don't you dare take my car, you drunken bastard!

I own you! I love you.

Somebody please open this damn door! Patrick?

Lena? Patrick.

What happened to you?

He locked me in the closet and left me to die.

Oh, my God, he is deranged!

He thinks he can mess with me.


Oh, man. Here come the party poopers.

Well, well, well. I'll be damned. If it isn't Paul Crewe.

So, what did I do wrong? Was I driving poorly?

Nope. Nope. This car was reported stolen.

No, no, no. It's, uh, actually my girlfriend's car.

Shit happens.

Shit does happen. I mean, look what happened to your ears.

I gotta ask you something. Does he get XM Radio with those?

Actually, they get a couple of channels.

It's Paul Crewe.

Another question, though.

Santa Claus. What's he like?

Boy, I hate to arrest a public figure like yourself, but, hell, I don't think you got too many endorsement deals to worry about now, do you?

Now, listen here, Mr. Frodo. Don't get short with me.

That was good. I mean, he's good.

Man. I hope you got a lot of money for that game you threw, cause that was the most pathetic thing I ever saw.

Now, step out of the vehicle, Mr. Crewe.

Uh, don't you think I should pull the car over more? I could get sideswiped.

You sound like you're slurring your words a bit there, Paul.

You been drinking tonight?

Absolutely not. Now, could you do me a favor? Hold this beer while I back it up.

Hey, you can finish that one. I got five more. Take care, guys.

We got a 3-94 in progress.

Okay, remain calm.

How you doin'? What's up? What's up? What's up?

What you are watching is live footage of a vehicle, apparently stolen, being pursued by police.

We're receiving word now that the driver of that vehicle is former Pittsburgh football star Paul Crewe.

Crewe, you might remember, was the only man ever to be indicted on federal racketeering charges for shaving points in a professional football game, although it was never fully proven.


Yello. Do not get one more scratch on my car, or I will slit your throat.

See, that's our problem, sweetie.

You care about this car more than you do us.

And how'd you even know there was a scratch on this baby?

Because I am watching you on TV, as is the whole country.

Once again, you are proving to everyone what a worthless piece of shit you are.

Well, I hope they like this.

Hey, Lena!

I think we should start seeing other people!

I think I'm in love.

Good news, boys, I didn't spill my beer.

Without question, Crewe's five-year federal probation for point-shaving has been severely violated tonight.

The future of this once-great football star looks very dark indeed.

Long way from the big city, huh, superstar?

Staying with the times around here, huh?

Ain't she beau-ta-ful?

Home sweet home, boy.

Get on your feet.

You're one lucky son of a bitch, Crewe.

Is that right? That's right.

See, the warden loves his football.

Fact, he was on the winning side of your little thing.

Well, tell him congratulations. But I wasn't.

Welcome to Allenville.

Thank you, sergeant. I'll take it from here.

Afternoon, inmate Crewe. Yeah.

Come on. Warden wants to see you.

Let's do it.

Move it.

I used to play a little college ball myself.

Down at the University of Miami.

I bet a lot of your old teammates are locked up in here.

No inmates from my playing days. Couple of guards, though.

See, we got us a fine prison-guard league down here.

It's like a... company softball team.

Now, the warden... he's gonna ask you to help out.

Okay. With what?

That wasn't nice.

When the warden asks you, what are you gonna say? Yes?

You're gonna tell him "no". You got it?

You're gonna tell the warden that you want nothing to do with his football fantasies.

Not in my back yard.

Because the warden don't run this prison. I do.

You understand? Not entirely.

Okay. I feel you, dog. I feel you.

Paul "Wrecking" Crewe.

I don't get to say this to my new guests very often, but it's an honor to have you here at this institution.

It's an honor to be locked up here, sir.

Oh, this is, uh, Errol Dandridge.

Colonel Sanders been eating his own chicken.

He's my political adviser.

See, I've been approached by several very influential people wondering if I'd be interested in standing for governor.

They see the way I run this prison, think maybe I should run this state.

Only with less sodomy, right?

Hopefully none.


Now, there are two things we take very seriously here in the state of Texas.

Prison and football.

We play a little of the latter here.

Uh, the warden is too modest to admit that his team is rather good.

But not good enough.

Five years since our last championship.

Five years.

Now, I've worked real hard, pulled strings, called in quite a few favors to get you here, Paul.

Now, why would you go and do that?

Because I am convinced that you can get us back on track.

I haven't played football in I don't know how long. I don't really want to.

You wouldn't be playing, Paul. Just... just consulting.

Anyone who was once the MVP of the National Football League must have a great deal of expertise to offer.

Captain, what would you say to Mr. Crewe looking in, giving us the benefit of his experience?

Oh, I think that's a real good idea, warden. We can use all the help we can get.

Well, then, it's all settled. Whatcha say, Paul?

I appreciate the offer, but I'm gonna have to pass.

Now, I can assure you that your time here will be a whole lot easier if you just participate.

I just wanna do my time and go home. Nothing else.

If you'll excuse us, Mr. Crewe.

Captain Knauer, you can stay.

Sit down!

I used to love your underwear commercials.

Thank you very much.

My ex-husband wore the same brand of tighty whities.

He didn't fill 'em out quite as well as you, though.

Special effects. Hollywood. Not all me.

Oh, I doubt that very seriously.

Well, then get him enthusiastic, damn it!

Come on, get up.

How'd it go in there? We all set now?

Oh, yeah, we're real tight.

Only the finest for you, superstar.

I was just playing.

I ain't gonna forget you, Crewe.

Hey, yo, you owe me money on that game, punk!

Better watch yourself, Mr. Football!


Yeah, you better run, woman.

Yo, football.

Take a seat.


You know, I have never seen one inmate just walk in here and be unanimously hated by the entire population.

I ain't never seen it. How'd I get so lucky?

Well, you could've robbed banks, you could've sold crack, you could've stole your grandmama's pension, and nobody would 'ave cared.

But shaving points off a football game? Man, that's just un-American.

You play football? Me? Nah.

I suck so bad, they used to pick me after the white kids.

Used to be mad too. It's like "I can't believe I picked a nigga that can't play."

Caretaker. Paul Crewe.

Whatever your pleasure, I can facilitate.

You need weed, you need meth... Hey, you need Prozac, I'm your man.

I know how you white boys always deal with that depression.

I mean, me personally, I don't understand what you white boys all depressed about. Hey, you're white. Smile.

And for a small fee, I can even get you McDonald's.

Really? Yeah, that's right. Mickey D's.

My man Cheeseburger Eddy got the hookup.

Cheeseburger Eddy?

That's right. We can get our McFlurry on.

Enjoy it, fat man.

What about the love of a beautiful woman?

Well, you're gonna have to lower your standards on the beautiful part and on the woman part.


Let's just stick with the cheeseburgers.

Oh, they ugly now, but in eight months, he gonna look like Beyoncé.

No, thanks.

Now, here's the most important part.

You can't let these guys scare you. You can't let them punk you.

Cause if you do that, you gonna end up being somebody's bitch.

Don't want that. Thanks for the advice.

Hey. Let me take that tray out for you.

I ain't done eating yet.

Oh, you're not? I'll give it back to you, then.

You're dead!

Hornet's Nest!

Everybody stay down. Stay quiet!

Come on, Crewe, get up.

Get up, superstar.

Yes, sir.

You think you can do anything you want around here, don't you?

Well, you are no different than any other piece of shit that calls this place home.

Really? These guys think you're a dumb redneck too?

Ooh, girl, that's your new boo.

You better cut that shit out. It's gettin' old.

That's gonna cost you. Lookin' forward to it.

Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.

Hey, superdick.

Warden's wondering if your stay in the hotbox has changed your mind.

How long have I been in here?

One week. Wanna go for two? Huh?

How'd you find these guys anyways?

Recruitment, boy.

When college stars don't get drafted, they need a place to go.

A job, money, security...

Who drank all the damn Gatorade?!

Damn it! And apparently steroids?

Look, seems like you got all the talent you'd want. So why do you need me?

Well, now, you might find this hard to believe, but there's some folks here in the prison league don't care for me very much.

You, warden? Yeah, well, they thought it might be amusing to schedule the defending league champs as our first game.

And me? Well, I thought an old pro like yourself might have some training-camp tricks, drills, insights to offer up.

Give us the competitive edge.

All right. Relatively simple. You need a tune-up game.

A tune-up game?

Yeah. In college, we'd start every season against the Appalachian State or some slack Division 2 team.

Kick the living shit out of them. Get their confidence up.

You know something, Paul?

You've just given me an inspiration. That's great. What?

You're gonna assemble a team to play the first game against us.

And you, Mr. Crewe, are gonna be the quarterback.

I don't think so.

Let me tell you something.

In my prison, to get along, you gotta go along.

I just wanna do my three years and be done.

Three years is before you assaulted captain Knauer.

Now, you could be with us for a very long time, Mr. Crewe.

Fine, I'll do it.

Good choice.

But, uh, one condition, though.

Gotta promise me to keep captain Knauer off my back.

It's a deal.

Now, you got four weeks to assemble a team and train 'em.

What, are we gonna have a half-hour a day to practice with a Nerf ball?

Oh, I'll make sure my boys allow you sufficient freedom, within these walls, to get your team in shape.

What's this? Foot-ball tree-outs.

What the hell is a "tree-out"?

"Try-out," you half a meatball.

Now, what's this football thing about, man? Crewe's gettin' a team together.

To play against who? The guards.

Now, I don't know about y'all... but I occasionally have the impulse to physically assault one of our finer correctional officers.

Yeah? Well, how the hell we gonna get to do that?

Just show up at the "tree-outs", you big, dumb bitch.

Do the girls get to play?

Oh, we're playing footballs, not... balls-balls.

This is bullshit. Just another chance for the guards to beat on us.

Don't you idiots get it? We could get a free shot at the guards.

This is our turn. We could beat up on 'em.

We could kill them.

Kill 'em.

You know, MVP sold his own teammates out.

What do you think he's gonna do to you, fools?

And that's the truth. With some cheese on it.

There ain't no meat loaf between these buns.

Yo, man, that's my flier, man! I worked hard on it!

You see? He ran like a little bitch, right? You saw that, right?

Yo, team needs you. Team needs you.

You sh... Come to the tr... Come to the tree-outs.

Crappy field, shit-ass equipment...

Hey, man, at least we got some world-class players over there.




He might make the team.

Well, if we gotta cut 'im, you're doin' it.



All right, man. Good job, man.

Well, well, well. You a football player?

Oh, no. I never played no football, mister.

So, what happened? You read the flier, thought it looked like some fun?

Oh, I can't read. Oh, don't worry.

Reading's for rich people.

Just so you know, we're putting together a football team. Love you to join.

Will you teach me to football?

Sure we'll teach you to football. Won't we, Caretaker?

Hey, I'll teach you anything. Just don't eat me.


Down, Shrek. Down!

Okay. Bring it in. Whoever's tryin' out for the team, wake up.

Can you give a brother a little hustle?

Very good.

For those of you who don't know who I am, I'm Paul Crewe.

I'm gonna be your coach, your captain, your quarterback...

Hey, you haven't played in years. Why can't I be quarterback, huh?

You're right. Let's see what you got. All right.

Hit me, I'm open. Hike, hike! Hike!

That's why. Now, sit down and shut up.

It slipped. I just ate popcorn.

Question: Any of you gentlemen ever play football before?

You did? Where? Kansas State.

Are you shittin' me? For coach Snyder?

Ah, Kansas State Prison.

Now, I hear they have the softest mattresses out there.

Yeah, they do. They do.

Not as soft as the ones at West Texas Mental Institution.

Really? All right, let's finish this conversation later.

For now, I wanna see what you got out there.

Uhh, we'll grade them on a scale of one to ten.


Move it! Hustle, hustle, hustle!

Give these guys sixes. Give these guys fives...

Good, good. Give them threes.

Very nice!

Aren't we missin' somebody? Where is the Kansas State guy?

You assholes better not cut me! I'm still on this team!

Negative two. All right, go with negative two.

Hey! Somebody bring me a Diet Coke!

Let's do this! That's it!


Good. Seven.

Stupid tire! You're a fricking tire!

You think you're better than me?! I'll kick your ass!


And a half?

Yeah. That's better.

Okay. Good.

Yeah. Hit that bag, man.


Five, I don't know. I go.

Come on, Switowski!


Oh, man!

Look at that. He got it off the hinge.

I think that's a ten. Let's go with a ten.

I'm sorry. I brokeded your toy.

No, that's a good thing. You should have a victory hug with Caretaker.

What? What you talkin' about, man? Hey!


Okay, fellas, it's pretty simple. You do a buttonhook.

The rest of you guys block for me. I'll take care of the rest.

Okay? On "go". On "go".

Ready? Break!

We'll work on that.

Okay, half speed on this one, guys. Slow and easy.



Stop it!

Stop the violence! Can't we all get along?

Hey, Paul. Unger.

Team's looking great. Oh, yeah.

So are you. Yep. Working on it.

The blood of the guards is gonna flow like the rivers of ancient Babylon.

That's good news. Unger, you're the man.

Good job today. You're all startin' to look really sharp out there. Yeah.

See you tomorrow.

We're gonna suck. Yeah. No doubt about it.

You look like you could use a little help.

No offense, my man, but, uh, you're a little... seasoned.


I'm not asking to play. I'll coach. I'm Nate Scarborough.

Nate Scarborough?

The Heisman Trophy winner from Oklahoma?

The inmate from cellblock D.

But about a hundred years ago, when I could run and gun, yeah, I was a Sooner then. I heard you were dead.

No, I ain't dead. I've been right here, rotting.

Waiting for a chance to get back at those sadistic guards.

Waiting. For this.

Well, coach, as you can see, we don't exactly have the cream of the crop to work with here.

Well, what are we gonna do? How are we gonna find players?

How'd they get you to go to Florida State?

They recruited me.

I'll get the strippers.

Well, now, Lindsay, this isn't about credit or congratulations.

This is about giving men who've made mistakes in their lives an opportunity to rise above themselves.

To move beyond the bars of containment.

Say what?

What I would do to you.


Yeah. Nice boot, skin man.

Hey, Crewe, why does he get to be the kicker? I was All-State, man.

Let's see what you got.

That's why, you dumb-ass.

Go do some laps.

I heard you boys needed to see me?

Yeah. I want you to meet Skitchy.

Hey, dog. Check that building over there.

They keep all the records in the basement.

He's been here so long, he knows where everything is.

That ain't necessarily a good thing, is it?

I had a parole date in '86. But I got in a tussle with a guard and, uh...

One punch and it went away.

Twenty extra years for one punch?

Well, unfortunately for him, the guard he punched just happens to be the warden now.

Oh, shit. Warden Hazen? "Oh, shit" is right.

Warden, fight in the yard. Send backup.

Right on time.

Let's do it. Let's do it.

Ain't you guys glad you got a black man for a friend?

Hell, yeah. Come on.

Hazen has a rating system for every con.

What's three stars?

The more prone to violence that the inmate is, the more stars he gets.

Five stars is the max.

I didn't know that. Yeah.

Let's see how many stars my maniacal ass got.


Wha... Ha-ha-half a star? That's gotta be a mistake. Check it again. Check it again.

You're about as maniacal as a boxful of kittens.

Come on, that's not funny, man.

I'm-I'm gonna have to stab somebody or somethin'. Get my rep up.

Why don't we have a maniacal pillow fight tonight? That could get it up some.

Yeah. And we can sell it to pay-per-view.

Superstar versus Half-a-Star.

Why don't you shut up before I slit your throat and watch the dust come out?

Come on, guys, we only got a couple minutes.

How 'bout this guy?

Damn, this fool got the chair three times, ain't died yet.

Well, we may not have the most talented team, but we will definitely have the meanest.

What's he doing that for? Cause he's a freak.

Hey, Sasquatch! Someone's here to see you!

Not too smart on your part.


How's the headbanging comin'?

You're bleeding. Just so you know.

People have told me that you and I look a lot alike, so I wanted to see for myself.

I'm gonna take a piss.

You scared him away, dumbshit.

You're kidding. Five-star Torres likes The View?

No, just Joy Behar.

The good news is she can breast-feed standing up. That's it.

Where does she come up with this shit?

I'm a Star Jones man myself. I love that big bitch.

That was, like, the furthest thing.

Well, I-I got married so young, so, I mean, I... they weren't pressuring me, the society was pressuring me...

Mr. Torres.

Us convicts are startin' up a football team.

Not interested.

We're playing the guards.

Walk away. Good idea.

0 for 2.

You're putting the pressure on her right now.

Show's over, amigo.

I still got 15 minutes of Joy Behar.

Well, I'm cuttin' you short. Back to your cell, asswipe.

Hey, white boy.

Cherryhead gonna play? Yes, he is.

Crewe, don't forget, I'm gonna be open.

Green 40! Hut!


Brucie, Brucie! You all right? You breathin'?

I got a bird. His name is Ronnie.

Well, tell Ronnie you got knocked the fuck out.

Wow, no bullshit. Real football? Against the guards?

Full contact.

Captain Knauer is their quarterback?

Yep. So I get to... tackle him?

Yeah. You can, uh, either tackle him or hit him over the head with that hammer.

I wanna hurt 'im. Not kill 'im.

Let's get out of here before that thing bites somebody.

All right. We'll see you and your pet iguana at practice.

Down, set!

Hut! Hut!


Hit me. Get rid of it.

Get rid of it!

He didn't get rid of it.

Sacked your ass.

Somebody's gotta get open, guys.

You got hammered by the hammer.

I think I felt it on my leg. We gotta get some speed, man.

What'd you expect? You got no brothers out there.

What are you talking about? We got Switowski.

Switowski? That's one brother.

That's a lonely nigga. This ain't hockey.

You want some speed, you know where to go.

Hey, yo, check out this fake Slim Shady, man.

I knew you couldn't resist my shit.

I got the shakes that'll make you quake.

I got the fries that'll cross your eyes.

I got the burgers that'll...

I just got burgers.

I'm all right. Thank you.

Just, uh, wanted to talk to you fellas about possibly joining the football team.

The only game we'd play with you... is Slap the Point-Shaving White Boy Till He Cries Like a Baby-Back Bitch.

Baby-back bitch, baby-back bitch Baby-back bitch.

That's a big-ass robot. Yeah.

You gonna help me out here?

Thank you, Half-a-Star.

Just so you know, we are playing the guards.

That ain't a team. That's just a bunch of dumb rednecks giving themselves excuses to grab each other.

This guy must be quite the athlete, huh?

You risk bringing your ass in the jungle because you know I am.

Yeah, so you'd beat me in a game of one-on-one, right?

What? I think it's time for you to get steppin'.

How's this, though? One game.

I beat you, you guys play for the team. You beat me, I'll leave you alone.

Take that. Take that, Deac.

This fool ain't nothing but a thing, baby.

Ball, dog. Ball up!

Can Crewe play ball? He's a natural athlete.

So is Greg Louganis, but I bet you he'd get his ass whupped out here.

Game's 11. Call your own fouls. Okay.

Come on, come on. Give it to him, Deac!

Did I get you? No, that was clean.

He'll be a'it. Call his mama.

If I foul you, tell me, dog. Okay, baby.

Take this f... Take this foul.

What happened there? I think it's my ball, right?

All right.

Get up! Get up, Deac!

Come on, Paul!

Calm down. What?

Now, don't stir-don't stir up the brothers, now. Come on.

Come on, Deacon!

Did I get you, dog?

Hell, no, baby. That was clean. Good D.

I thought he didn't wanna get hurt.

It ain't about getting hurt. It's about pride.

I bet you he's pretty proud right now.

It ain't easy being cheesy!

Did I get you? Did I get you?

No, I think I'm okay, baby. I didn't get you, did I?

That's traveling, bitch.

You keep comin', huh?

Game point, baby. How you want the game put up?


That was a bullshit call!

My court, my ball.

A'it right, y'all. Let Deac speak!

Nice spanking that ass, dog.

Now, get stepping. Hold up.

Y'all got a runnin' back? Not any good ones.

No disrespect, Deac... but any man that can take that kind of beatin' out here, I can't wait to see what he can do in a contact sport.

Shit, I'm in.

Man, gimme that cheeseburger. You acting like a real McAsshole.

Cheeseburger, he wants to run with the white boys, we will let 'im.

Let's do this.

Earl Megget.

Well, we didn't get the whole chocolate bar, but we got a Hershey's Kiss.

I'll take it.

Let's get this over with, rookie, I'm starvin'.

Fresh meat, boys! Fresh meat!

Down, set!

Battle, you're a psycho!

Tony, you're a fat shit! Hut!

Holy shit!

Get 'im!

Ran right out of your shoes, huh? Hey, manager, don't you think we can get our new star running back a decent pair of cleats?

Yeah. I-I-I think I got a cousin that drives a truck for Reebok.

It's cool, man. I never had shoes growing up noway.

I'll be a'it for now. Oh, okay.

Get your country ass back in the huddle.

That boy got some slave feet, you see that?

Defense! Huddle up over there!

Paul. Paul!

Hey, ladies. How's it hangin'?

Tell 'im. I'm-a say somethin' to 'im.

I just wanted to let you know I am your biggest fan.

And I will be cheering my jailhouse boobies off for you at game day.

I appreciate that. Thank you. Paul.

I appreciate you.

Okay, thanks. I'm glad to know that.

Okay, are you done now? Huh?

What's wrong with you? Jealous cause I don't cheer for you anymore?

I don't know what you're talkin' about, freak show.

Whatever, back freckles.

Oh, yeah, back freckles. She's making up shit now.

I'm gonna get some water.

That feature interview worked better than I thought.

I just got off the phone with ESPN2.

They want to televise the football game.

Guards, cons, Paul Crewe, it's compelling stuff.

Lots of human interest. Cha-cha-cha. Don't do that in here.


Dandridge, do you think that might help my visibility with the registered voters of this fine state?

Oh, yeah.

The freak is back!

Hey, hey. It's me again.

You know, if I take this half down, we could play together.

I'm just gonna take this half down.

Don't worry. Don't worry. I got another ball.

It's okay. You wanna serve?

I'll serve.

Really good news. We started a football team.

You like football?

It's kinda like ping-pong.

Only the ball's a little bigger and egg-shaped, like my head.

Just a joke. Stay calm.

Give you a good chance to... throw people on the ground, hurt them like... you used to when you were a kid, 10 feet 6 inches ago.

We'd be playing the guards.

I think Papajohn's their safety.

Turley, nobody gets to me. We'll play more ping-pong later, okay?



All right. He brokeded my nose.

I don't wanna play no more.

Hey, hey, hey. Switowski, what are you talking about?

This is football. Shit happens.

Paul, he brokeded my nose.

Okay. Stop cryin'.

All right. We can fix this. Here we go.

Okay. Good, good.

How's it look?

How's it look? It looks... It looks like, uh... It looks better than before.

Really? Yeah, it's straighter.

More distinguished. Kinda like a young Michael Jackson.

I love little Michael.

That's great. That's great.

I think he did it on purpose.

No, he didn't.

Okay, maybe he did.

You gotta apologize to 'im. Come on, Turley.

Say you're sorry.

Come on, say it.

He said he's sorry. I got him to say he's sorry.

Yeah, yeah. We're all impressed.

Looking good, gentlemen. Way to work hard.

Good practice, Paul! Me and the girls wanna show you what we've been practising. Okay, hit me.

What we've been practicing. Okay, hit me.

Come on, let's go. One, two, three.

Give... me... a...

D, D, give me a I I, I, give me a C C, give me a...

All right, all right! I got it. Just save it for the game.

Don't act like you ain't wanna see more, Brucie!

Yeah, you wish, pal. No, you wish I'd kiss you again, cause your breath smell like eight cans of shark shit.

I wouldn't touch her with a 10-foot pole.

What's he talking about? He's a freak.

Run, Forrest, run!

That's how a white man plays guitar.

Captain, he said he had some info.

You guys have "Halo 2." I didn't even think that was out yet.

Focus. Turn the music off!

Yeah, captain. You know them convicts?

They're startin' to get some serious players.

But their biggest threat? A running back. Megget.

He's good? He's fast.

He's really, really fast.

I mean, he's so fast, he makes fast people look not fast.

I got it, he's fast.

Now, why don't you show us your speed and get your pyro ass out of here.

Yes, sir. Here I go. I'm sorry.

Any books you'd recommend, inmate?

No, sir.

Not much of a reader.

Oh, come on, now, maggot. I've seen you in here reading before.

You requested this detail. Isn't that right?

Nah. It's the quiet time I like, sir.

Maybe you'd like to read this.

What the hell kind of bullshit book is that?

It's historical. Sir.

Now, why would he wanna read a book about a four-eyed nigger?

Does the N word offend you... nigger?

No, sir.

Oops. Sorry about that.

You mind fetching these books for me, boy?

No, sir.

Just pick 'em up. Put 'em on the table.

There you go.

You forgot one.

Bet you'd like to hit us, huh?

Hit you, sir? Nah.

Y'all my friends.

Pick these up.


Hit me! I'm open! I'm open!

Come on! We got one week before we play that game.

We can't complete a pass yet.

Megget can't run the ball every play. I know, coach.

What the hell is he smiling at?

This better be on the up and up.

I guarantee it. Let's do this shit.

There goes the neighborhood.

Now I'll never get to play.

Did you see that? Did you see that? The Deac is here!


Okay, we seal off here, seal off here.

Cheeseburger. Yeah.

You're just gonna chip this guy...

Ow, that stings.

Nothing a Quarter Pounder can't fix.

Oh, with cheese on it?


Man, that boy would catch a cold in the desert. Here you go.

Everything's looking up. Yeah.

Still got one more pain in the ass to deal with.

All right, boys, what do you say? How about a little best ball?

No, I hate that bullshit. Everyone play their own damn ball.

Shit, is that Paul Crewe?

How do you like that, boys? The MVP coming to kiss my ass.

So, uh, what's on your mind, Paul?

Got a problem with inmate Unger.

Oh? Is he on your little squad? I believe he's on your little squad.

Mr. Crewe, would you mind if we had a picture? Please?

That's up to the warden.

Ah, damn it. All right. Rewound it. Did everything.

Flash is ready. You don't need a flash. It's daylight.

Oh, my bad. I just want a good picture.

You know, I think you had sex with my wife before I married her.

Sorry about that. Oh, hell, no.

If she's hot enough to have a one-nighter with a pro football player, I must be doing all right.

Okay, here we go.

Sergeant Engleheart? Yes, warden.

Would you step out of the picture, please?

Yes, sir.

His wife has got the hottest ass. Great.

Just cut to the chase, shall we?

You don't actually think you have a chance of winning, now, do you?

We're gonna get our asses handed to us.

I know it. You know it. I just don't want my players to know it.

Your players?

Just when I thought I had you all figured out.

What does that mean? In the time you've been here, you haven't made or received one telephone call.

You haven't opened so much as a single shred of mail.

Why do you give a damn about those slimeballs?

You never cared about anybody in your entire life.

Well, maybe I finally found that sense of family I been yearning for since I'm a baby.

And gosh almighty, my new family and I would sure appreciate it if you got Unger off the field. You hear?

Sergeant Engleheart. Thank you.

Oh, and as for your request... you'll have my answer soon enough.

Did it rain last night?

Not a drop.

Son of a bitch. All right, boys.

The warden is tryin' to break our spirit.

He thinks we're gonna skip practice today, wait for the field to dry, make it up tomorrow...

You know what? Who gives a shit?

Three days till game time. We can handle it.

But let me say this:

That old man flooding this field tells me somethin'.

The guy is scared.

Scared of you sick, degenerate convicts.

And you know what?

He should be.

Cause I got news for you guys.

We're gonna win this thing.

Did he say "win"?

What's it gonna be, boys?

Do we go back to our cells, call it a day?

Or do we get ourselves ready for the greatest ass-kicking fiesta in the history of football?

I'll leave it up to you guys.

Hey. You're part of the goddamn team.

Get your point-shaving ass in there.

You got it.

I guess that asshole Hazen wants to play dirty.

We all convicts, right? Right.

Maybe it's time we started acting like it.

Right here. Right here.

Take it, Deac.

Let's see which guards have some broken bones.


Shoes, nigga!

Check this out. These be brass knuckles. They damn near old as me.


That's perfect, Cheeseburger! Never been better.

Good ball. Good ball.


Who we gonna crush? The guards!

Who we gonna kill? The guards!

Who we gonna kiss? The guards!


Lights out!

Good night, ladies.

Yo, Crewe! Yes, Mr. Caretaker.

Check your toilet. There should be a little surprise in there for you.

You took a shit in my toilet?

No, that's the surprise I left in Brucie's toilet.

You got somethin' else. All right.

Well, would you look at this.

A bottle of Ketel One and two glasses?

Now, what would I need two for?

Just shut up and pour me a drink, bitch.

Man... who taught you to be so cool? My mama.

Now, when I get out of here, I don't want you to get all Hollywood on us.

I want you to meet 'er.

Here, look at my girl. She's your biggest fan.

Your mom's beautiful.

And you, you are ugly. Thank you.

Got it.

Here's to, uh... the first friend I've had in I don't know how long.

Hey, I thought I was your friend, Paul.

You are, Switowski. Just... finish your coloring book and go back to sleep.


And here's to having one o' these with you on the outside, sometime in the next three to five years.


Yo, Crewe. Yes, sir.

You being a ex-football player and all, I'm sure you got a lot of hot ass on the outside.

Well, let's not forget I wasn't the most popular guy out there.

Don't give me that shit.

O.J. chopped his wife's head off and still got some ass.


My mama taught me not to kiss and tell. Now, go to sleep.

A'it. I got one more question to ask you.

Okay. What is it?

Why'd you shave those points?

Didn't you read the papers? I'm innocent.

Yeah. Ain't we all?

Yo, Crewe, what would you say if I could get you film from the guards' games last year?

I would say that's incredible, but how?

Thanks, gentlemen.

The warden will be done with him in 15 minutes.

We can handle him. Yes, ma'am.

Then you're gonna, ma'am.

Nice job.

I can't tell you how much this means to me. Thank you, Lynette.

Now Nate can study all the guards' formations.

Not so fast, sugar bear.

You gotta earn 'em.

We only got 15 minutes, but, sunshine, we're gonna make 'em all count.

One more, please? Mm-hmm.

Let's go.

Quiet down. Guys. Let's go.

Before we watch the guards' game film from last season, we have a special presentation from our very own Mr. Paul Crewe.

What are you talking about?

What's going on?

Now I gotta relive this shit?


You can say this, my man's a team player!

You know what they say. Once you go gray, there ain't no other way!

Hey, hey, hey. Brucie! Brucie! I'm glad you think that's funny, because I got something pretty funny to show you guys.

Tony, hit it. You're gonna like this.

What the hell is this? What? It's good. It keeps goin'.

- Hi. Here I am.

Turn this shit off. Turn it off.


Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very funny. Trick photography.

Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened.

I was showing a little wrestling move. That's all.

Knock it off!

Knock it off!

It's time we took a look at what we came here to see before the guards come back.

The first film is the guards' offense against Texas Southern.

Now, as you can see, they're running a standard wishbone.

So you're telling me that these animals are watching our game films.

Is that right? Yes, sir, boss.

They got all last season.

Seems to me that we ought to do something about this.

W-w-what do you want me to do?

You're the criminal. Be creative.

But on game day, if I so much as...

What are you doin'?

I don't know. I've had hot flashes all shift, and... now my nipples are killin' me.

Why are we talking about your nipples?

We're-we're not. Just go do what you're doin' there.


I want Crewe finished.

Yes, sir. You give me the inspiration, sir. I got somethin' for 'im.



Huddle up!

Every day we've been taking shit, for a long time.

Tomorrow, payback. Now, think about that for a second.

What time is it? Game time!

What time is it? Game time!

What time is it? Game time!

Tomorrow, 12 o'clock, the bus leaves. Don't be late!

Where the hell is Caretaker?

I don't know.

A gift for you, Mr. Crewe.

How does he listen to that cracker shit?

We're here deep in the heart of toothless country, coming to you from a simple Texas high school stadium that's been retrofitted for the big event.

Now, when my man Travis tried to drag me out here, I said

"What are you, brain-dead from talking to too many Raider fans?

It's not going to work."

But the fact of the matter is, this could shape up as an epic day.

Hot-dog vendors, high-powered rifles, I love the combination.

And apparently so do the fans.

Hey, shitheads! Listen up!

Everybody on their feet for the warden.

Anthony, wow. You can sit down.

Thank God.

Gentlemen, Texas marshals have been kind enough to supply us with a dozen of their finest sharpshooters.

So for those of you thinking of mingling with the civilians or trying to make a break for it, you will be shot.

In the head.

Now, let's all go out there and have some fun!

Crewe! I'll see you on the field!

I think he's in love with you.

All right, listen up.

I know it's hard to get psyched for the game without Caretaker being here.

But somehow that sick, skinny bastard found a way to get us all fired up from beyond the grave.

Caretaker's last gift to us.

Battle, I presume this is yours.

I still don't think that's big enough.

That's it? No, that ain't it.

Caretaker said he'd find us some gear to wear.

I think he found us a name too.

Mean Machine! Mean Machine! Mean Machine! Mean Machine!

Good afternoon and welcome to a very special edition of ESPN football.

As today, the semipro Allenville Federal Prison guards will be taking on the very prisoners they guard.

And with this special game, folks, comes a special broadcast, as I'm joined in the booth by Baby Face Bob.

Say hi to the folks, Bob-O.

Chris, we went to a commercial.

This, uh, this job, Bob, it's a lot of give and take.

So when I bring you in, don't be afraid to talk to the folks.

Unless you don't want to.

And here come the cons, led by former NFL MVP quarterback, Paul Crewe.

Holy shit. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Well, hello. How are you?

Back away from the girls!

Hey, now. Call me!

What the hell are you dressed up for?

Hey, I didn't spend 14 years in the joint just to watch this game.

And there in the high-security bleachers are the good-behavior cons, along with their... cheerleaders?

We're the mean machine Don't mean to dis you We're gonna kick your ass And then we'll kiss you Hey! Ho! What?

I didn't do it!

Come on, Batt!

What's that? Did you see that?

Damn it!

Papajohn's at the 20, the 10. And he will score.

Sweet dreams, bitch.

That's a 90-yard return and I gotta tell you, the cons seem more interested in hitting the guards than tackling the ball carrier.

Hey, mom. Hey, dad. Thanks for picking me up from school.

And here comes the big story of the day.

Paul Crewe, serving a three-year sentence, hasn't played since he was banned from the NFL six years ago.

Center, shift it! Shift it!

Hey, Sasquatch!

Twenty, hut!

Crewe drops back to pass. Turley's leaving him unprotected.


Goddamn it.

That's gonna be a personal foul on the big guy.

And this is certainly inauspicious start for the cons.

Come here! All right! You got 'im. Now, protect me!

Let's go! Hold them!

And here comes Knauer and that big offensive unit for the guards.

Back to your cell.

Hut! Hut!

Knauer has Potter wide open. Touchdown, guards.

- Son of a bitch! And in the first 90 seconds, the guards are up by two touchdowns.

This one looks like it could be over early.


What are we celebratin' for?! It's 14-nothin'!

You guys wanna beat these assholes, do it on the scoreboard!

Are you okay? Oh, God, you're not hurt, are you?

Jesus, you sound like my mother.

Listen, if you wanna cry, you go ahead and cry. I'll cry with you.

Get off me! Get back out there and kick some ass!

Why are you yelling at me? All I did was care!

Look! A broken leg will heal.

A loss to the Mean Machine lasts forever.

Sorry, guys.

Yeah, yeah. Me too.

All right. Now, let's get started!

Now, get the hell out there! Let's go!

Way to go! Way to go!

Here's the first sign of life from the cons.

Let's see if Paul "Motley" Crewe can make something happen.


On first down, Crewe will throw. He's got Deacon wide open.

That's gotta be pass interference.

But the ref is waving it off.

What?! Oh, come on!

Come on, now. I'm in this hellhole for less than that.

Be a man and make a call. You're right.

Unsportsmanlike conduct! Eighty-eight black!


Come on!

This is baby-back bullshit!

Bullshit, D. Calm down. Let it go.

Let's call that one a questionable call.

Blue 42, hut!

The give is to Megget. He spins to the outside. Megget has room.

He's at the 35. The 40.

Oh! He's brought down hard, by his facemask.

What? Oh, come on, man! That was a facemask!

You're not gonna call that? I saw a clean tackle, sir.

What you looking at? Are you serious?

Tell it to the parole board, criminal.

I mean, this is absurd.

We can't win with the refs on the payroll!

Listen up. I got an idea to end all this bullshit.

Come on, let's all stay up! Come on!

Down, set!

Red 58. Cover your man!

Red 58. Hut!

That one hurt my marble sack.

All right!

You all right? Yeah.

What down is it? Fifth.

No, no. It would be fourth down. Okay.

What do you think? Should I go for the left nut this time?

Underneath! Let's go!

Ref, you gotta get in the game! Right over here!

Well, I don't quite get this, but on fourth and 22, the cons are gonna go for it.

Down, set!

Red 58. Red 58. Hut!

You gotta always protect the McNuggets.

How about from now on, you call a fair game? How's that sound?

Sounds good. Okay. Wet Willie.

Yeah, you like that.

And so the guards will take over after one of the strangest offensive series I've ever seen.

Okay, boys. We know who doesn't have any balls out there now.

Have we got any? Have we got some balls?

Yeah! All right! Let's go kick some ass!

Come on, Swit, stand them up, baby.

White 50. White 50. Hut, hut, hut!

Knauer, play action. Here comes the blitz.

Ouch! Switowski is so big, it's like being tackled by a Coke machine with legs.

This is fun!

Nice to see you smiling, Bob. Thanks, Chris.

Green 90! Hut!

Third and 5, and the give is to Megget.

He's to the 40, where he'll come up short.

But look at Turley push the pile.

And now Crewe.

And that's a first down!

And look out. Boy, somebody better take control of this game soon, or they're gonna need body bags on the sidelines.

Let's go, guys. Come on.

Start of the second quarter.

Cons still down by two touchdowns, but they finally have some momentum.


Crewe with a shovel pass to Megget.

And Megget scrambles for a first down.

Oh-ho-ho, you fooled me.

I got you there, didn't I? You did.

You know what? Engleheart, you are the best-looking guy on your team no kiddin'.

You know, Paul, in the midst of all this, for you to say something like that is...

Come on, let's go. Let's go, D.

First and 10 at the guards' 35.

Crewe dumps it over the middle to Deacon Moss.

And he's hammered at the 17 for a 13-yard pickup, and that's a first down.

- Hut! Crewe, trying to get his team on the scoreboard.

He will throw.

And it's caught by Deacon Moss for a touchdown!

All right!

And so there'll be no shutout today, as the cons are on the board.

Quit booing, people. Both teams are trying very hard!

What the hell's wrong with you? Stop acting like a damn cheerleader!

Sportsmanship, try it. Shut up.


2:11 left in the first half. And Dunham is back in at fullback.

And he is a load, at 6'2", 260.

Dunham, breaking tackles.

He refuses to go down.

But he finally does after a 15-yard gain.

That's how a white man runs a football.

If I was on D, I'd crack you square in that egg-ass head o' yours.

Yeah, but you ain't on D. Are you, bitch?

Switowski! Come 'ere.

Do you know what he said to me in the library?

Yes. Him. Out.

D, D, defense D, D, defense The cons don't seem to have an answer for Dunham, who's averaging close to 12 yards a carry this half.

Green 67. Green 67. Hut!

Oh, what a hit on Dunham by Switowski.

I think I made him shit himself.

I think he just shit himself.

I think he just shit himself.

Good Lord. This guy shit himself bigtime.

See? I told you I made him shit himself!

Yo! I'll make sure I send them books to the hospital, pimp.

And some diapers.

Nineteen seconds. We got a lot of ground to cover, so... you bastards remember that play we practised in the mud?

What are you talking about? That was some schoolyard bullshit.

Yeah. Let's try some schoolyard bullshit.

Come on, D, let's go.

Down, set! Green 88. Green 88. Hut!

The clock starts to run. Crewe hands the ball to Megget. It's a reverse.

Cheeseburger Eddy's got it.

Go, baby, go!

He laterals to Deacon.

Tackle 'im!

To Turley.

The clock is running. To Brucie.

Shades of Cal-Stanford.

Back to Crewe.

He tosses to Megget.

Tackle 'im!

And look at that little Megget run.

Three seconds left.

Yeah! Go!

He could... go... all... the... way. Touchdown!

Did you see that?!

Do that sound again.

I like that.

And so, on a miraculous play, the cons end the first half with the score: 14-all.

Bring it in.

Do you have any idea... who's beating you out there?

This was supposed to be a blowout, and they're showing you up in front of the whole nation.

The whole nation!

I like it when he's angry.

I told you! Way to go, baby, way to go.

What in the hell do you think you're doin' out there?

Playing football, sir.

I didn't say nothin' about winnin'.

We're not winnin'. Not yet.

You got yourself in quite a predicament, Mr. Crewe.

Is that right? You see, it's just come to my attention that inmate Unger has been taken into custody for the murder of Caretaker.

Good. Oh, yeah, it's good.

Only thing is, he claims to have an accomplice.

Claims you knew all about it.

Hell, he even says you sent Caretaker to your cell.


Captain Knauer says he saw you planning it with Unger.

There's no way that could hold up in court.


Hell, boy. In Allenville, I'm the judge, I'm the jury, and in your particular case, I'm the executioner.

What do you want? I want you to lose.

I can't do that.

Course you can. After all, you've had plenty of practice.

But the men! It's more important to them than it is to you.

Okay. Suit yourself.

Spend the next 25 years of your useless life in prison.

All right, I'll do it.

But I don't want my guys hurt. You get ahead, you coast. We clear?

Fine. Right after I get a two-touchdown lead.

I tell you what bothers me the most, warden.

That you're not gonna be out there on that field with us, gettin' what you got comin' to you.

The only thing comin' to me is victory.

Mean Machine. It's cute.

Let's go, boy! We can do it, baby!


May I have a word?

Don't worry, warden, we'll take care of business.

I already have.

What? We can win this on our own.

Captain, a man in my position doesn't leave things to chance.

Now, after you get a comfortable three-touchdown lead, I want you to inflict as much pain as humanly possible.

Do not let up, you hear?

I want those cons to understand who owns 'em.

Do I make myself clear? Oh, yes, sir.


There's the kickoff, and we're under way in the second half.

Megget is finally brought down at the guards' 33, where Paul Crewe will take over.

And what a first half he's had.

Here we go! Here we go!

Down, set!

Y 45. Hut!

On first and 10, Crewe will pass.

He's got Deacon wide open.

Oh, incomplete.

It's okay. Get your head up.

It's all right, man.

Come on, Paulie.

Second and 10 from the 33. Crewe's looking for Deacon once again.

He's open! He's open!

But overthrows it. And it's picked off by Papajohn.

Look out! He might go.

Say goodbye.


The first mistake Crewe's made all day.

Short memory, baby. We'll get it back. We'll get it back.

Defense, let's do this!

8:38 left in the third quarter, and Crewe has struggled thus far in the second half.


The pitch to Megget. Oh, my! That ball is live!

It's picked up by Lambert.

He's at the 15, the 10, and he will score!

Yeah! Touchdown! Yeah!

Crewe took a shot on that play and he's getting up slowly.

Meanwhile, in the end zone, the guards have something to celebrate, as they find themselves up by two touchdowns.

This is simply a different Paul Crewe we're seeing here in the second half.

There's the old Paul Crewe we love to write about.

What the hell are you doin' out there?

I'm done.

I'm out. That's it.

Where you hurtin'? My knee.

Seems okay to me. Well, it ain't.

If Crewe can't go, I don't know how deep these guys are at quarterback.

The guards will try to keep it away from Megget, so they'll pooch kick.

Fair catch. Fair catch.

As Big Tony calls for the fair catch.

Watch out. That was as late a hit as I've ever seen.

And even some of the home crowd not liking that one.

Hang in there, partner.

Can o' corn. Can o' corn, and I'll be fine. Can o' corn.

Yeah, I'd have a hard time looking at me too.


Yeah, coach.

You're the only one that knows this offense, son. Now, do it.

Coming into the game, replacing the injured Paul Crewe, is number 1, Brucie.

All right, all right. Crewe's playing like shit.

That's his problem. I'm gonna bring us back.

Right, 32 Flex Dive Motion on one. Ready!


Yeah. It's Brucie's time to shine, baby.

Okay. Down, set. Hut!

There's the snap and the ball is fumbled. And the guards recover.

I... knew I shouldn't have had that popcorn.

The guards are in command here as we move late into the third quarter.

Ninety-eight. Hut! Hut!

The give is to Potter. Back to Knauer.

He's got a man open deep downfield.

He'll throw the flea-flicker!

And he's got it. Touchdown, guards.

And this game is starting to look like a blowout.

Hey, man, after all Caretaker did, this is how you show him love?

Don't worry about it.

You haven't changed one damn bit.

All right. Down, set!

Back in at quarterback is Brucie, who will try to find a handle on the ball this time.

Throw it, Brucie!

Oh, shit!

And look out.

Ooh, what a shot he took!

How much more blood do you want?

I think the cons are just about out of options at quarterback.

Hey, Skitchy, let me ask you something.

When you popped the warden, was it worth it?

Was it worth spendin' the rest of your life in here?

Was it worth it? It was worth every goddamn second.

What the hell is he doin'?

Paul Crewe must be feeling better, because... here he comes.

All right, I missed you guys, so I'm back.

We got a lot of work to do. Let's get it goin'.

Deuce right, 89. Fly on two. Ready?


As we start the fourth quarter, cons down by three touchdowns.

Wide left! Tight left!

Black 90. Hut! Hut!

Here comes the blitz, and no one's blocking!

And Crewe will be sacked for a big loss.

That looked like a message to Crewe from his offensive line.

Did you see that, man? They're quittin' on 'im.

Okay, baby. Jailbreak Blitz. Ready?

We got that out of the way. I deserved it.

Now we gotta play some football. Switch it! Switch it!

Cons need to do something to get back in this game.

And that's not it!

And Crewe is leveled!

I don't think he's gonna get up from that one.

Nice hit! Oh, yeah!

But he is. And I don't know how, after that last hit.

All right, punt team!

Keep them off the field! We're goin' for it.

Dumbshits are goin' for it! Let's go! Let's go!

Come on back, if he wants to get his ass kicked. Come on back.

This is unbelievable.

Fine. You guys don't wanna help me, I'll do it on my own. On two.

Let's go, to the line.

On fourth and 20, the cons are gonna go for it. This could be the ball game right here.

Red 98. Hut! Hut!

Crewe dodges the blitz, but he loses his helmet.

And he's not going down.

He's got the first down.


Not bad. Not bad.

Huddle up.


I'm sure you already know this, but I never said it out loud.

I did throw that game.

I did it.

I was in a bad way with some worse people.

After I did it, I felt so shitty I wish... wish I would have just let them kill me instead.

Now... the warden wants to pin Caretaker's murder on me if I don't throw this game.

So it looks like I'm gonna get to know you guys a lot better, cause I ain't doin' that twice in a lifetime.

We got a little time left. We can still do this.

I'm beggin' ya. Put your hands in here.

Okay. Thank you. Now, who are we?

Mean Machine!

Come on, Mean Machine, let's go!

That's great news.

All right. We got ourselves a game.

Brown 65. Hut!

First and 10 from the 30. Crewe finds Deacon open in the flat.


The give is to Megget. And he fights his way for a 9-yard gain.

One yard, baby. One more yard.

Hut! Hut!

Crewe tries a sneak. Or is it?

He flips it back to Megget.

Megget's got the first down and more.

And Megget is down to the 4-yard line, where it'll be first and goal.


Crewe hands it to Turley. And look at the big man go.

Tackle 'im!


That was some rumbling, bumbling stumbling right there.

And listen to the crowd as this underdog con team is startin' to win them over.

Third down and 6. Guards have the ball on their own 29-yard line.

Knauer needs a first down to put this game away.

White 50! White 50!

And look at Battle take off.

He knocks the ball loose!

There's a dogpile in the backfield. The refs are trying to sort it out.

Ah, my arm!

The cons recover!

Yeah, we got the ball! We got the ball! We got it! We got it!

With just over two minutes left to be played, this has turned into a game.

Crewe will start in great field position at the guards' 25.

And look at this formation. The guards, they're confused.

Shift over! Move!

They're trying to call time-out, but there's the snap.

Moss is behind a wall of cons. I wouldn't wanna be in front of that thing.

And they'll score!

Hey! Is that legal? Yeah, it is.

Is that a touchdown? Yes, it is.

What is going on here? Shit!

And with the extra point, the cons are down by just seven.

Brucie! Yeah. Yeah, coach.

I want you to go out there and kick off.

I can do it. Kick off!

Brucie can't kick worth a shit. I know. Recover the ball.

Jesus Christ, my Savior. If you help me out with this one, I promise to stop cheating on my wife with black guys. Amen.

Back in the game is Brucie, and he'll do the honors.

And it's a horrible kick. But the ball is tipped!

And the cons have come up with it!

We got it! One time-out. Got it. Got it. Got it.

That's it, Brucie. Oh-go! My bad. My bad. My bad. Come on.

Give me that.


Well, that felt unnecessary.

Cons have enough time for one final drive.

Crewe drops back to pass. He's under pressure.

- Watch the pass! He's looking for Deacon.

He gets the ball up, but he's leveled.

And Deacon's got it for a first down, but he stayed inbounds.

Tick, tick, tick. The clock keeps running.

Clock's runnin'. Clock's still runnin'! Clock's still runnin'!

On the ball!

Damn it! Do something!


Crewe. He's looking to throw. Under pressure again.

Go! Get rid of it! Go! Go!

He pitches it to Megget. He's got some room.

Here we go. Here we go. Go, Megg! Go, Megget!

Go, Megget! Get 'im!

He could go all... the... way!

But he won't!

Goddamn it!

And Megget is hit hard at the 4, and he's hurt.

My knee, man!

You busted your knee for us, we'll bust our ass for you.

Hey, coach, I need a back!

Win this shit.

I'm goin' in. Coach, you serious?

Yeah, I'm serious.

And look who's coming into the game.

You can do it!

Get that old ass of yours in the end zone!

We gotta win this thing! Come on!

No, no, no, no. Hey. Old man.

Absolutely not. You're gonna get killed out here.

They've been tryin' that for years. Don't worry, I got the perfect play.

I ain't handin' you the ball. You don't have to.

Nate Scarborough, the former Heisman Trophy winner from 1955, is gonna play tailback, but he's gotta be in there more for moral support than anything.

Mean Machine. Mean Machine.

Mean Machine. Mean Machine.

Mean Machine, Mean Machine, Mean Machine Mean Machine!

Mean Machine! Mean Machine!

Six seconds left on the clock. Cons down by seven.

They must score on this play.

Don't let them through!

Down, set!

Black 99! Come on, D!

Black 99! Hut! Hut!

The give is to the big man, Turley.

He's stopped by Lambert at the line for no gain.

No! Wait!

The ball's picked up by Scarborough.

Come on!


What an amazing comeback, folks!

Taking a play from the old Nebraska playbook.

The Fumblerooskie.

Easy. Easy.

You still alive, old man? Never felt better in my life.

You're a sick bastard. Come here.

And now the cons are a mere extra point away from overtime.

Mean Machine!

Team vote: We go for the win? We go for the tie?

Hell, guys, we're convicts. We always go for it all.


Unfortunately, that's why we're all in the joint.

What would Caretaker do?

Give me that blackboard.

Yeah, come on!

Come on.

Are you serious? I don't know. That-that play is wack.

It's gonna work.

It's gonna work. Let's go. On the ball.

Come on! Let's go!

Let's go, y'all! Let's go!

I think it's gonna work.

And wait a minute. Crewe is coming back into the game.

The cons are gonna go for the win.

They're goin' for it.

Crewe... trying to settle his team into formation.

But there seems to be a lot of confusion.

Come on! Run the play!

Turley! Turley. Over here.

Move your giant ass right here! Right here.

Come on, baby. Come on.

The play clock is still running. Crewe better call a time-out.

Come on, Crewe!

They don't know what we're doin'!

Run the play we set up.

I think you're still dizzy from that hit!

The snap is to Deacon.

It's a trick.

He throws it to Crewe.

They did it! Unbelievable! The cons win!

We win!

Group hug in the shower tonight!

Or not. Or not.

Well, there you have it.

A bunch of ruthless criminals have beaten the men that uphold our justice system.

Criminals are people too,Chris. Now, give me your wallet.

What? Ah, just kiddin'.

You got a lot of balls, Crewe. You played a hell of a game.

And don't worry. I know you had nothin' to do with Caretaker's murder.

And I'll back that up. Thank you, baby.

Mean Machine! Mean Machine!

You humiliated me. I can't believe you couldn't even win a fixed game.

Now, where the hell does he think he is goin'?

He's escapin'. He's escapin'!

Officer, shoot that man! But, sir, there's people.

Shoot 'im.


Captain, I order you to shoot that prisoner.

Shoot 'im! Fire! Crewe!

Damn it, I'm giving you an order, captain!

Crewe! Pull the trigger!

It's the game ball.


Why don't you stick this in your trophy case?

You have a nice time, old man? Yeah.

Yeah? Okay. So, what do we do now?

Well, the first thing is, we tell the team where they're hiding Unger.

Oh, I can't wait to see what Switowski does to him.

Great game, sir.

That's a week in the hotbox! Who gives a shit?