The Love Ban (1973) Script

(eerie music)


(drum music)

(upbeat music)

♪ Eve said to Adam well I'm that kinda madam ♪

♪ Gonna sock it to you everyday ♪

♪ Adam said to Eve well you better not believe ♪

♪ That the fig leaf's here to stay ♪

♪ He said yes she said no ♪

♪ You're not gonna show me how ♪

♪ But they started multiplying anyway ♪

♪ And nobody gonna change it now ♪

♪ Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na ♪

♪ There's a population problem answers must be found ♪

♪ So you better beware if you're favourite area's ♪

♪ Two foot six above the ground ♪

♪ Queen Victoria said I'm sure you are ♪

♪ Just a looking for some royal fun ♪

♪ Albert said as he jumped into bed ♪

♪ I'ma sure gonna get me some ♪

♪ He said yes she said no ♪

♪ 'cause decorum was the order of the day ♪

♪ But despite all the pomp and the ceremony ♪

♪ They made it anyway ♪

♪ Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na ♪

♪ There's a population problem ♪

♪ Answers must be found ♪

♪ But the trouble lies if your eyes only rise ♪

♪ Two foot six above the ground ♪

♪ In this age of space we're a supersonic race ♪

♪ And we've landed at the moon ♪

♪ And the way things are going ♪

♪ With the population growing ♪

♪ We'll be living up there soon ♪

♪ You say yes she'll say no ♪

♪ To a roll in the lunar hay ♪

♪ But despite the gadgets and the gravity ♪

♪ They'll be doing it the same old way ♪

♪ Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na ♪

♪ There's a population problem answers must be found ♪

♪ Is our only hope we start to float ♪

♪ Two foot six above the ground ♪

(upbeat folk music)


(organ music)

(Mick praying softly)

Name of the father, the son and the holy ghost, amen.

(soft music)

Oh.

Kate!

Let me in.

I want to talk to you.

I've got something important I want to discuss with you.

Something which concerns us both, Kate.

Kate!

(screams in pain)

Oh, Oh Mick!

What have I done?

What have I done, I'm sorry.

That is it, I've had it now.

No, no Mick.

Mick!

[Jonathon] Hey what's up?

[Sean] I don't know.

[Kate] No, No!

What are you playing at mommy?

Well, what were you playing at?

Oh nothing darling.

It's nothing, come on you go back to bed.

Why were you wrestling mommy?

Oh we weren't wrestling, darling.

Daddy and I, we were doing our exercises.

But why did you keep on saying no?

Well I didn't want to exercise and daddy did.

Now come on back you go to bed.

Come on now.

Now no nonsense and no playing around, come on.

[Jonathon] I like wrestling.

[Sean] I do too.

[Kate] Night night.

[Sean] Night mom.

[Kate] Straight to sleep.

Night mommy. Night mommy.

(door thuds shut)

Mommy, has father Christmas come?

Oh you should be in bed, shouldn't you?

You know Father Christmas doesn't come unless little girls are in bed.

[Susan] I promise to be a good girl mommy.

I thought I head a bang.

Oh you're quite right, Jackie.

There was half a bang, Mr. Goonahan caught his finger in the door.

Oh, did he wake the children?

Yes but I put them all back to bed.

I don't know about the twins though.

Is he hurt bad?

[Kate] No, I think he'll live to play the violin again.

In you go now.

(baby cries)

(Kate hushes baby)

(baby cries)

Oh no.

Kate, I want to put something to you quite simply.

You are my wife, we were married in the sight of God.

It's been 10 months now, and I intend to claim my marital rights.

Mick, for the last time, I don't mind going to bed with you but there's a whole dormitory of your marital rights out there, and whatever God said to you personally he somehow failed to say it to me.

I mean, I wish he had.

I've spent a total of 59 months out of a possible 73 being pregnant so that you and God could stay good friends, and I've had it.

I've had it in a way that you, God and Father Andrew find difficult to understand.

Now Mick, are you going to get out of that bed or not?

It's my bed.

Right.

(baby crying)

Sleep well.

(door slams shut)

(spoon clinks on bowl)

Nasty noise, nasty noise, stop it.

(sighs) Jonathon, Jonathon do stop that.

Why?

Because I don't like it.

I don't like it either.

You're too good to be true, you are.

Now eat these while they're hot.

I can't eggs.

You asked for an egg.

I know but I've changed my mind.

Eggs are dead, dead baby chickens.

Oh now don't be so silly.

Oh. Oh.

Now what are you looking for?

Plates.

Well they're up in the nursery, and take the bottles.

And will you tell Mr. Goonahan he's late?

What room is he in?

He's probably in the bathroom.

He doesn't like to be disturbed in the bathroom.

Well knock on the door.

(kids arguing)

[Lucy] Mommy!

Now what's happened?

[Lucy] Mom!

Where is Lucy?

She's in the basket.

[Lucy] Mommy, mommy, mommy.

Come on darling, out you come.

Now look, I shan't tell you two again.

You just wait till your father gets down here.

It was an accident.

All right well you just get on with your breakfast, all of you.

And you.

It's a dead baby chicken.

Mommy!

I didn't say anything.

He did!

What did he say?

I didn't say there was a dead baby chicken in there.

Jonathon, do you want to get into serious trouble?

No.

Then shut up and eat your breakfast.

I don't want another word out of you.

(children talking softly)

Oh (exhales loudly).

[Children] Smelly things, smelly things!

Oh it's a little bit hot.

(baby crying) Just a moment, just a moment.

(baby crying)

I'll cool it down in the bathroom.

[Kate] Mick, you'll be late! [Jackie] Morning sir.

Morning.

Oh how's your finger?

How's my what?

Finger, sir.

What's wrong with my finger.

I don't know sir, is it bad?

I've just told you there's nothing wrong with my finger.

I'm so glad sir because they're painful things, fingers.

I saw him last night.

Who?

(Susan mumbles)

(Jonathon mumbles)

Now stop bickering you two.

[Children] Morning daddy, morning daddy!

The children said good morning to you.

Hmm?

Yes, what's the matter with that girl?

Which girl?

There's a choice of four inside this house.

What do you want for breakfast?

[Mick] The girl, what's her name.

He means Jackie. Jackie.

Do you mean Jackie?

Well yes of course I mean Jackie.

No idea, how many eggs?

[Mick] Do what?

What do want for your breakfast?

[Mick] The usual.

Well the usual could be anything from tea, coffee, eggs, bacon and eggs, sausage and eggs, plain toast, and Ryvita depending on your diet.

I'm quite aware of the varied menu you set before me at the start of each scintillating day of our married life.

Just as you are aware that for the last week I have been on a very, very strict diet, Oh yes, it was so strict you ate three whole packets of potato crisps last night.

Tea or coffee?

Coffee, no tea, tea without milk.

That girl is definitely very dim.

Oh, I thought you thought she was very bright.

Yes, well this morning she's dim.

Well she's probably had a disturbed night.

People who have disturbed nights are usually dim.

Is that meant to be a crack at me?

[Susan] I had a disturbed night because I saw him.

All right, you get on with your breakfast, come on.

(Susan mumbles)

I shall have to have a talk with her.

Well, I mean after all, while she's under this roof she's my responsibility.

Oh now look Mick, don't upset her.

I don't want to have to look for somebody else this side of Christmas.

Anyway, I mean, the children absolutely adore her.

I don't.

I don't either.

Of course you do, she's sweet.

Have you finished?

Yes.

All right well off you go.

And brush your teeth, and don't forget to do your hair.

[Jonathon] Race you upstairs, last one there gets the red mug.

[Sean] I never get the red mug.

This is tea, is this tea?

Well you asked for tea.

Why does that child stare at people?

Well she's probably never seen anything like you before.

It's impossible to live like this.

Like what?

You know perfectly well what I'm referring to.

Well it's up to you, and the choice is almost as varied as your breakfast menu.

Don't be crude in front of the children.

Oh god, come on you two, I'll get you ready.

Tell daddy I saw him last night.

She says saw somebody last night.

Who'd did she see?

I don't know, and just as long as it wasn't a gynaecologist I don't care, come on.

[Susan] I never had my orange juice.

(slow music)

(babies crying)

Open up, open up.

Now come on, sit up, sit up.

Hey you two come here, come here.

Let me see your teeth.

Go back and do them again.

[Jonathon] Told you so.

Hey, hey let me see, and you, off you go.

(Susan squealing)

Now come on, come on.

(girls giggling)

Daddy.

Huh?

I didn't wet the best last night.

Good, good, that's right Sean you're a big boy now.

But I wet it this morning.

(babies crying)

Have you done them?

Good, well go and get your gloves

'cause it's cold this morning, and tell Jonathon to get his, all right?

What are you doing?

Cleaning my teeth.

Yes, well don't use that.

Why not?

It's mine.

Well yes, I know, I threw mine away.

I've got to get a new one.

All the same, I would rather you didn't use my personal toothbrush, not hygienic.

Don't tell me your frightened of catching something?

That's the second time you've been crude this morning.

Well it may interest you to know that I feel crude this morning.

Now look, Kate, if you're going to have a row, you please close the door.

Mick, I'm not going to have a row.

I'm merely amazed that a man who has given me six children, and can therefore be said to have an intimate knowledge of me, that goes beyond oral hygiene, can talk like you talk.

And don't tell me toothbrushes are on the papal list.

Ah yes, well that's it isn't it?

When ever in doubt, drag religion into it.

All right, would it make you feel better if I use one of the children's brushes and they can catch whatever's going?

[Lucy] Mommy!

Now Lucy, I have told you before, I do not like you coming into the bathroom when daddy is shaving.

I want to spend tuppence.

Yes well, go downstairs.

I can't wait.

What does she mean she can't?

She means she can't wait.

You've rinsed your mouth in my shaving water.

Tough, as they say, luck.

Come on, quick, quick, quick.

[Susan] I'm gonna take two apples.

(kids chattering)

(water running)

[Children] Bye dad, bye!

Kate!

(brakes squeak)

Now where are my car keys?

Where you left them, I suppose.

You got undressed in the spare room last night remember?

[Children] Bye daddy, bye dad!

Bye bye, Jonathon.

[Jonathon] Hope you have a nice day at work!

See you when you come home!

Darling, I'm (sighs)...

(car engine rumbles)

Oh Mr. Goonahan, I thought I heard you go out.

No I came back.

I came back to get my car keys which I left in the pocket of my trousers.

Oh yes, your trousers.

Oh, is your finger all right?

Yes, Jackie, I have been meaning to have a talk with you.

Just pressure of work and that.

Sit down, sit down will you?

Now as you know, I am responsible for you while you're over here working for us.

Not only responsible for your wages, but also for your...

National Health, sir?

No, no, no, your...

Well your wellbeing.

Now as you know, I stipulated to the agency that I had to have a catholic girl, and well the point is that Father Andrew tells me you've not been going to Mass.

Well it is a little difficult, sir, with the twins.

Yes, yes, well we'll have to have a talk about it.

Yes we'll talk about it.

(spacey music)

(car horn honking)

(children chattering)

Bye.

Bye! Bye mom!

(car horn honking)

Off you go.

Madam?

Madam, darling, it might help if we release the hand break.

Hand break?

It's the long one, goes down.

Good, now slip her into gear.

The one with the nobble on the top.

Splendid, now we're getting somewhere.

I do drive, you know?

Lovely, could have fooled me.

Now then, come over here my love, come on lovely.

Very good, bit more, cone on, bit more.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I told you I could drive.

Terrific.

Morning Mrs. Goonahan, little Susan's getting on well, is she not?

Ah yes, it's me we're worried about.

Lovely, you done that lovely.

I'll come early tomorrow we'll make a day of it, oh dear.

(car engine revving)

What's the matter?

What's the matter with him?

Fancy pants parked innit right in front of me.

Typical male driver, do you want a coffee.

Yeah, that'd be nice love.

I gotta go to the clinic first.

Clinic?

Hmm.

The, uh, birth control clinic.

Oh. Still, it's not very far.

Then we can have our coffee afterwards, all right, you follow me, okay?

Okay.

Mick, can we grab you for a second All right, it won't take a moment old son, but we struck a slight snag with PX2.

It's a question of tolerance, really.

I think we can lick it with luck.

But I'd like to bounce it in your court see what you think.

All right, Stephanie, let's have you.

Oh is that the PX2.

Yes, LJ.

Oh good.

Now is it all right there, Stephanie?

Yes.

You see the problem, Mick?

Not enough tolerance, a lot of stress there on the side.

How long have you had that on, Stephanie?

Five minutes, would you say?

Oh yes, about that.

Yes, and already you see, it's beginning to bunch them up a bit.

Hmm?

Oh yes.

Put your finger there, feel the tension.

(exhales)

Yes, you see it's difficult to get your finger in, isn't it?

Yes, difficult to get your finger out.

Yes, now try and unhook it.

Uh, what's the weave factor?

[Designer] 37, sir.

Yes. Yes.

'Cause we may have overdone it, you know?

I mean they've gotta be tough enough to survive the odd wash.

But on the other hand, we don't want the bloody things to last forever (laughs).

You see, as you know, the whole thing's geared to the ad campaign which is "Women's lib gives you liberty."

(men laugh)

And then underneath the other bit, "They don't come off unless you want them too" which is very catchy.

Yes, well certainly they don't come off at the moment.

You agree then, ease it off a bit?

Yes, yes.

Right, okay chaps that's the decision.

Right, Stephanie, let's get into the next one shall we?

Most grateful, old son. Oh, pleasure.

(spacey music)

(door slams)

Ow!

(gentle music)

Shan't be long.

I'm just shuffling off one mortal coil and getting another.

(gentle music)

Just about to begin if you'd like to go in.

Oh well I'm waiting for a friend.

A married friend.

Well she'll find her own way.

We don't want to miss the beginning do we?

Could make the rest of the lecture much harder to follow.

("Greensleeves" on flute )

(both laugh)

I suppose(laughs), well they're all quite old fashioned method.

Are all these...

Well most of them have been withdrawn from circulation.

If you'd like to take a seat I'll explain all.

Morning ladies.

[Women] Morning doctor.

And for the benefit for those of you who haven't been here before, welcome.

And I hope you'll find these lectures interesting, edifying, and useful in your everyday lives.

An understanding of sex is as necessary today as it's ever been.

And these lectures are designed as a contribution towards preventing mankind marching headlong into disaster.

Sex is a primaeval urge in man and in women (laughing).

(women laugh)

And the problems of the world today depend in great part upon our ability to enjoy the pleasures of sex without suffering the consequences.

Have I missed anything?

No, no I don't think so.

Yes, we would like to apologise for the fact that the last consignment of our Futurama Full-Stretch Girdles arrived in a damaged condition.

This is unfortunately a discontinued line now and it will take us 10 months to be...

Excuse me, Mr. Goonahan, sir, don't you mean 10 weeks?

What, what did I say?

10 months?

10 months, Right, yes 10 weeks, 10 weeks, 10 weeks.

The commonest form of contraception is still the condom sheath.

I expect you have already seen one.

Especially if you go to the south of France for your holidays.

There's a story about a chemist who used his thumb to indicate how one of these is worn, and whose customer took him quite literally, with somewhat startling results.

It fits, of course, over the tumescent male organ.

What's that mean?

It means when your husband is ready.

I'm not married, does it make any difference?

Yes, I think if we all pay attention we'll get the full benefit (laughs).

This device, in the vast majority of cases, effectively prevents the male sperm from entering the

the uh, the womb, sorry, miles away.

New letter to Talented Busts, bracket, Hong Kong bracket, Limited.

Dear Mr. Lay-on, we are in receipt of your valued order for a further four gross of our popular Mammoth range, but note, with some envy, no not envy, interest, interest...

Note with some interest that our regular sizes still do not meet with you particular requirements.

(spacey music)

Dear God.

Can I get you anything sire?

Would you like an aspirin?

No, no, no it's not aspirin I need.

I need a, well I think I need a breath of fresh air.

When's my next appointment?

Oh um, 12:30 sir, you're having lunch with the buyer from Trendy Teenagers, Miss Partridge, at the Skyline Hotel.

Right.

From these humblest beginnings we have now progressed to the most sophisticated form, namely the pill.

Perhaps you would just like to pass these 'round.

There we are.

Contraceptives then, originally they were made in France from the membrane of the cecum of young sheep.

Hence French bladders as they were called.

Have you had enough.

Oh yes.

Improvement on these original french bladders followed...

Going already ladies?

Oh thank you very much, our husbands are on night shift.

(Edwards laughs)

(ship horn blows)

(whistle blows)

[Girl] No, Naomi!

That's it, now, now, faster, faster that's right!

(flute music)

And pass.

And pass again, that's right!

I wondered where you'd got to.

What do you think of our lovely lecturer?

Oh he seems very um, very competent.

They call him all thumbs and fingers.

(Kate laughs)

Should we have coffee?

Yeah Tudor Rose, I'll see you there.

All right.

Hope we can park.

(car door closes)

(car engine revs)

(cars crash into each other)

(Joyce screams)

Oh blimey, it's just come out of the garage after the last time, Charlie gonna do his nut.

[Kate] Oh it's nothing, let's say it was done while we were parked.

Okay.

[Mick] We've been in separate beds since the twins were born.

(car door slams)

[Andrew] What, 10 months?

Yes. [Andrew] Well you must pray for strength, Mick, and guidance.

I just get irritable and bloody minded.

Well, frankly we're just getting on each other's nerves.

[Andrew] Now you must resist these temptations.

Now I want you to say five Our Fathers and five Hail Marys for your penance, and make a good act of contrition now.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

I heartily am sorry for having offended thee and I detest my sins above every other evil because they displease thee, my God, who in thy goodness is so deserving of all my love, and I firmly resolve by thy holy grace never more to offend thee and to amend my life, amen.

[Andrew] Amen, God bless you my son.

Thank you Father.

( gentle music)

Mick!

Mick!

Mick, Mick, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll look at a few of the Catholic Truth Society books, you know, about the safe period for her.

Kate doesn't trust it.

[Andrew] We have his holiness's word that it's all right.

Yes, we tried it and got the twins.

Thank you, Father.

Pleasure, my child.

(whistle blows)

That's a fine, healthy looking young girl.

Yes.

(spacey music)

[Girl] Looking in the opposite direction, no use at all.

Um, Andy, can I ask you something.

I mean, we've known each other, well, a fair old time, haven't we?

Ah, indeed we have, and your father before you.

You did.

Ira's a great man, your father.

You know, he should never have left Ireland.

Yes, what I wanted to say...

Tell me, has he settled in yet? It takes a long time, you know?

He's been here 17 years.

Is that all?

Oh well, another couple of years...

[Mick] Andy?

Yes?

Does the fact that, well you are what you are, completely remove all the attraction for the opposite sex?

Do I still have to sublimate the call of the flesh, you mean?

Yes, I think that's what I mean.

Yes I do.

Oh.

Is that all you wanted to know, was it?

Yes, well no, look I was wondering how you coped with it.

Well that depends.

Sometimes I close my eyes and pray, you know.

Oh yes, yes of course.

Well what's the point of the question?

Hmm?

Oh well, you know, I'm a happily married man, as you well know, but there are times, Andy, when well things are, shall we say, put in front of you.

And I, well I've tried your method.

Closing the old eyes, and it has a very odd effect.

In what way?

Well, I know you'll find this difficult to believe, but, well the moment I close my eyes their clothes drop off (laughs).

Does that happen every time?

Pretty well.

And it's nothing to do with where you are at the time?

Oh no, no, no, no it happens anywhere.

You mean, right here in the street?

Certainly.

[Andy] Do you make any distinction?

Oh yes, well I mean I got my standards.

I don't close my eyes for anybody.

But you know, within the normal limits.

[Mrs. Hale] Father Andrew.

[Andy] Ah, good morning Mrs. Hale.

Good morning father.

I'd like to have a word with you later.

Yes certainly, I'll see you in the church in a couple of minutes.

What I don't hear in the confessional I hear from Mrs. Hale.

It didn't happen that time, I take it?

Good god, no.

Yeah, I just want to get me bearings.

Think it odd, do you?

Well, it's odd yes, but not really serious, I don't think.

I'll just have to give it some more thought.

(organ music)

Yeah, well it's a...

Ah, some sort of human failing, I suppose, which you must bring under control.

(crowd cheering)

Yes well, I'll have to think about it.

It needs a little more thought.

Mick is in a constant state of what is laughingly known is erotic excitement.

Do you know I literally, literally had to fight him off last night?

How long has this been going on?

Oh we're in our 10th month.

Christ.

Well it's all right for you, you're on the pill.

Yes dear, lots of other things too.

I do a treble chance perm.

Look, I know it's a silly question, but is it all paths lead to Rome?

Yes, with a quick stopoff at Father Andrew's.

Course I don't hold with all that.

I couldn't live with a man who had religious mania.

Oh, Mick hasn't got religious mania, it's just that he takes it all very seriously.

Charlie is not religious at all.

Hmm, he's nothing really.

Hmm, in fact, he's not even sexy anymore.

Oh Mick's sexy, all right.

Charlie, if I think about him, I go right off him.

You see, it isn't that Mick and I, well what I mean is, it isn't that we don't want to, but I don't know, what are we to do?

I mean, if he so much as looks at me I'm in the club.

Did you telephone the garage?

Hmm, hmm-mm.

Well, look there's a man doing something to your car?

Hmm yeah, what?

Oh!

Oh!

Now was that your car madam?

Yes, hmm wonder where they're taking it to.

You realise both these cars were parked in the restricted area?

And this one still is.

What's happened?

Towing me away.

Oh.

And is this your vehicle madam?

Oh yes but we were just going.

Yes, you see (clears throat) my friend, hmm, she's pregnant.

Forever so faint, hmm, I took a for a cup of coffee.

Yes, well strictly speaking, pregnancy is not a defence in law.

(purse hits ground)

Oh, what we gonna do about my car then?

Well, I think justice has been done, as they say.

And if your friend could now drive you to to the pound, oh that is if her condition allows it, I dare say I could turn a blind eye to the second offence, and let you off with a caution.

Oh, thank you, thank you officer.

Well we'll do that then.

Really thank you, oh thank you very much.

Where do we have to go? Fielding Road.

(spacey music)

(sirens blare)

(car engine rumbles)

(car engine revs)

Oh my god!

Albert?

Albert?

I know you're driving it you rotten bleeder!

(gentle music)

Mr. Goonahan, your guest has arrived.

Thank you.

No, no, over there.

(gentle music)

Are you sure?

Yes (laughing).

Thank you.

Miss Partridge? Yes, how do you do?

Very well, very well, thank you.

Sorry I'm a bit late.

Would you like to have a drink here or would you prefer to go straight to your table?

I think I'd like a drink first, how about you?

Yes, we'll order here.

As you wish, Thank you.

(gentle music)

Are you the Miss Partridge who wrote to me?

Yes, shouldn't I be?

Oh yes, just that you look different from your letter.

I mean, that's to say, what I had imagined from your letter was quite different.

Is that good or bad?

Oh no, it's, it's good.

You write a very good letter.

(exhales loudly)

What do I fancy?

I mean, what would you like to eat?

Oh, you choose, I'm hopeless with menus.

Well, they do quite a few things very well here.

Just a question of, well what do you enjoy?

Do you like garlic?

Garlic?

Hmm, I adore it, I just wondered if you would.

It turns some men off.

Ah no, let's both have something garlicky.

Sorry I was a bit thick when I first came in.

I wasn't expecting to meet anybody...

How did you get to be what you are?

I mean, you signed your letter chief marketing director, very impressive.

Well, I used to be a model, then I got to know Mr Greenburg, who runs the firm.

First of all, he wanted to put me under exclusive contract.

I didn't mind, then I found out that I was to have been under Mr. Greenburg, literally.

So we got over that, and put things on a more business-like footing.

Really?

You know most men in the rag trade make a pass, present company excepted, of course.

Yes, yes how about the scampi provencal?

Lovely, anything you say.

What have you done to your finger?

[Mick] Oh, nothing, nothing I shut it in the door.

You must have a new plaster on that.

I always carry some in my bag in case I ladder my tights.

[Mick] Oh no, no, no, don't bother.

Quite all right.

(gentle music)

Better?

Much.

Dressed partridge, undressed partridge, breast of partridge, leg of partridge, whole partridge on a bed of garlic.

(car engine rumbles)

(door slams shut)

(car engine revs)

(cars crash into each other)

Oh!

Uh oh.

Oh oh (laughing).

Well, quite a day we're having, aren't we?

I take it neither of you young ladies wish to prefer charges?

Oh no. No, no, no.

No we don't, no.

You won't be doing any night driving, will you?

Not without a rear or front lights (laughs)?

Oh (laughing).

No.

Well, mind how you go.

I'm ever so sorry.

Oh darling, it wasn't your fault.

If they hadn't towed you away it wouldn't have happened.

No, no, but what are we gonna say about this one?

I know, we'll say we stopped suddenly into pedestrian crossing and got sandwiched.

Oh yes, yes.

(car engine revs)

(sirens wailing)

(priest whistling)

My god, Father Andrew.

Albert!

[Albert] Oh dear!

(priest whistling)

Can't find me shirt!

(priest whistling)

(doorbell rings)

Oh with cats at nine, him in the afternoon, bloke can't get a decent lay down, ta-ra love.

("O Come All Ye Faithful")

Oh hello father.

Would you like to come in?

Well if you're not too busy.

(car door slams)

On your own, are you?

Oh yes, Mrs. Goonahan's out.

Are the twins not here?

Oh yes father, but they're asleep in the pram.

Good, 'cause I want to have a talk to you.

What about?

Don't be doing the innocent Mary to me.

Go and put the kettle on.

[Jackie] Oh.

(car door slams)

(car engine revs)

(car tyres squeal)

(cars crash into each other)

Oh darling!

Darling, are you all right?

Well get his number!

Well did you get it? No, he's gone, he's gone too far away.

Well I'd know him again, bloody idiot! Have you done much damage?

Oh that's not too bad.

Oh look at that, Kate.

Oh dear, oh nevermind darling, you couldn't help it.

They ought to keep drivers like that off the road, Just as long as you weren't hurt.

Come on now darling, come on in and I'll make you a nice cup of tea.

You've had a nasty shock.

Funny smell of garlic.

What?

Hmm, just here.

Oh hello Andy.

Oh hello Kate.

Are the twins all right, Jackie?

Yes Mrs. Goonahan.

Is that tea fresh? Yes I've just made it.

Well Mr. Goonahan's had a nasty shock.

Oh, what happened.

Well some idiot came out of the turning without any warning and Mick bashed in to my car.

Are you all right Nick?

Oh, sit down darling, shock's often delayed.

But did this fellow not stop?

Nick says he'd know him again though.

(cup crashes on table)

Ooh, sorry father. Oh is that the time?

Oh yes, it's just half past three.

Yes I must go and collect the children.

That means taking your car Mick, is that all right?

Now darling, you're sure your okay?

Don't want me to get the doctor?

Well you take a couple of these with your tea, there you are.

I won't be long.

(exhales loudly)

It's more than aspirins, you need.

Yeah well, I'm sorry about the car, Mick.

Yes, well that's the least of my problems.

I'll just go and see about the twins Mr. Goonahan.

You got a problem there, Mick.

I've got problems everywhere.

Yeah, but that girl in particular.

Now did you notice anything about her when you came in?

No.

No?

Oh well you wouldn't, of course you were still in shock.

Here, take your aspirins.

I notice something for you.

Underneath that blouse she's naked above the waist.

You noticed that on my behalf, did you?

You crafty bugger, and you a man of God.

Well just because I don't poke the fires doesn't mean I don't notice the mantelpieces.

You've got a dirty mind.

Yeah well, you need to have in my business to stay ahead of the game.

I better be going.

Listen, I've been thinking about your problem.

Would you like me to have a talk with Kate?

No no, no good.

Yes, well I'm here if you want me.

You finish your tea, I'll see myself out.

(door slams shut)

(dramatic music)


Night night mommy. [Kate] There's a good girl.

I will go to sleep nice mommy.

Oh you are a good girl.

Night night darling, sleep well.

Night night.

Mick, we've got to talk about Christmas day.

Have your parents decided yet?

Not yet.

I've got to know because off all the arrangements.

We don't want a fiasco like last year.

What happened last year?

What happened last year was that I had a nervous breakdown.

Your mother insulted my mother exactly eight minutes after she entered the house.

Oh that.

That in the fact that the children hated the presents.

Your father gave the boys dolls, for some reason best known to his analyst.

He doesn't go to an analyst.

Oh perhaps he should, and preferably before the day after tomorrow.

Well, your parents are impossible.

Oh I agree darling, my parents are totally bloody...

I mean, your father is the Church of England's version of Martin Borman.

The fact remains that for the brief season of goodwill...

He told my father that the pope was Jewish.

We want peace, not necessarily on earth.

That would be asking too much.

Which is a, a way-out remark.

It would be nice if...

Darling you're not watching that, should I turn it off.

No don't, I am waiting for one of our commercials to come up.

It would be nice if we enjoyed Christmas for once, agreed?

Yes, yes of course.

Darling, that's all I'm saying.

Well what's your answer then?

(sighs) I haven't got an answer.

It's just I used to love Christmas, and, oh I don't know, now it's become a nightmare.

Life's a nightmare.

[Kate] What's that supposed to mean?

Our life is a nightmare.

Well, recently yes.

Yes, and who's fault's that?

Look Mick, I'm tired, I don't want another night like last night.

I have got something to show you.

[Kate] Oh, what have you done to it?

Not my finger, this.

What is it?

What is this doing in my house?

I can't see it, what is it? I don't want you to even touch it.

Oh Mick, you're being ridiculous, what is it?

What is it?

It, it is the outer covering for a rubber product.

Oh, that.

What do you mean, "oh, that?"

Well nothing so, it's not take your pick, is it?

Do you know where I found it?

I found it on the floor of your kitchen.

What do you mean my kitchen? It's your kitchen too.

I demand to know who put it there.

How should I know who put it there?

You deny any knowledge, do you?

Mick, I, I, I think you're mad.

I really think your brain has softened.

What would I want with one of those?

That's what I'm asking you.

Well first of all, are we talking about the packet or what was inside the packet?

[Mick] Now you know perfectly well what I'm talking about.

Well Mick, if you can bring yourself to think of what was inside the packet, I take it you know that most women, no matter how desperate, are not in the habit of wearing them.

My god, you've got a mind like a sewer.

It's worse than I thought. Then what did you think?

Do you think I go around the kitchen dropping those like hints?

I'm not that subtle.

Well, perhaps one of the children got it as a special offering in their cornflakes.

Now I am asking you for the last time do you know anything about it?

I know what it is, it's a contraceptive, or if you prefer it a a letra francais.

But I did not, repeat, not introduce it into our kitchen.

I wish I had the courage, or better still, I wish you had the courage, because then we might be upstairs in bed together, instead of standing around here playing Sherlock Holmes and the case of the missing condom.

Well may God forgive you.

You realise what you've done, don't you?

You have just destroyed any remaining respect I had for you.

Don't be so pompous.

My own wife should even know such names.

Mick, I knew them long before I met you, and if that shocks you after all these years then I'm sorry.

The fact that we don't sleep together anymore doesn't mean that I've stopped loving you or wanting you.

I probably want you more now than ever before, but I'm just sick and tired of fighting you, the pope, your mother, and your best friend with dog collar.

I'm just sick of arguing about it.

So perhaps you'd better be shocked by me while I'm still around, because let me tell you, I may not be around much longer.

Damn, and I missed the bloody commercial.


Kate?

Kate, I'm sorry.

Can I come in, I won't try anything, I promise.

(door closes shut)

Look, I know I'm pompous.

Well I'm all the things you say I am.

But you see, I can't help it, it's just the way I was brought up.

I mean, I haven't stopped loving you either, you know, that's the whole trouble.

I'm not gonna try anything, I promise.

You didn't mean that about going away, did you?

Look, look at me.

You didn't really mean it, did you?

No, not really.

Oh well then, that's all right.

And I'll think of something, I really will.

Can I stay here tonight?

Um, well should we get undressed then?

I'm too tired.

What?

Too tired.

(energetic music)


Sean, there you are, up you come.

Mommy went to bed with her clothes on last night.

Of course she didn't.

[Sean] She did too.

[Jackie] (laughing) Oh good morning Mr. Goonahan.

We are dressed bright and early this morning.

[Mick] Hmm.

[Jackie] Come on.

Mick! [ Mick] What is it?

What's happened?

Nothing, nothing I hadn't said goodbye, that's all.

Oh.

Look, about last night, I've been thinking and don't worry because it's all going to be all right.

Yes.

Well I've been thinking about that.

Yes, well we'll talk about it.

I'll be a different person when you get home tonight and we'll get all the Christmas things done and we'll get to bed early.

[Mick] Fine.

Drive carefully.

(upbeat music)

Would you like to take a seat sir?

Ah, hello Mick.

Oh hello, uh hello Andy.

[Mick] Have I taken your appointment?

No, no, no I was just passing by and I saw you in here, thought I'd say hello, say Merry Christmas.

Oh, Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Did you want a haircut, sir?

No thank you, my wife likes it long.

Yes, well I'm off home now so I'll uh, I'll say goodbye Andy.

Yes, oh and give my love to Kate and the children.

I will, I will.

(upbeat music)


Excuse me.

Oh, can I help you sir?

Yes, I'd like to buy some, I'd like to buy some, I'd like to buy something.

Yes sir.

Yes, how do you sell them?

Uh, what's that sir?

The preventive things.

(laughing) Oh, yes sir.

Well, it depends what you normally use.

Oh yes of course, of course.

Uh, would you like to serve this lady first, please?

Oh.

Oh thank you very much.

Well ma'am, what can I do for you.

Well I wanted something for a very severe pain in...

Who's this for?

Uh, me.

Oh, uh sir, we do do our own brand which comes in four colour ways and boxed dozens.

Or else there is the economy pack.

No I don't think so. What sir?

Changed my mind, made a mistake, that's not what I wanted at all.

Thank you very much.

Um, do you have a glass of water please?

A what?

A glass of water.

I, I want to take one now.

(funky music)


Uh, could I...

Just take a seat sir, I won't keep you a moment, I'm just finishing off Mick Jagger here.

[Barber] All right Burt thanks a lot, that's a real neat one there, see you fellow.

Um, oh no, no, no it's all right.

I didn't come in here.

I know exactly what you came in for sir, just take a seat.

I won't keep you long madam, just take a seat.

[Woman] Thank you, now sit down there..

Look, a trim, all right, just, just, just a trim.

Yes sir.

(slow music)

[Mrs. Hale] Father, I must speak to you.

Well what is it?

Father, it's my bounden duty to tell you of a foul sin I have just been a party too.

Oh, well uh, did you take pleasure in it.

(Mrs. Hale groans) Well now, you never know, but you've got to be very careful about these sort of things.

How could you think...

♪ Oh come all ye faithful ♪

♪ Joyful and triumphant ♪

♪ O come ye O come ye to Bethlehem ♪

♪ Come and behold him ♪

♪ Born the king of angels ♪

♪ O come let us ♪ Hey you!

Come here!

Oh, hello, what a lovely surprise.

Yeah, well I can't stop love, I'm in a terrible rush.

Oh no you don't, look.

Morning.

Hello father.

Ah, sure they're getting bigger everyday.

(babies crying)

And have you found a good catholic boy yet?

Of course.

Oh, do I know him?

No, he goes to a different church.

Oh, I see, well I'm glad because to tell you the truth, I've been very worried about you.

I want to see you married with a family of your own.

(babies crying)

Aww there, there, there there.

Tell me, what your boys name?

Albert.

Albert what?

Albert rotten bastard.

Oh my god.

Who do you think you're talking to?

Oh you keep out of this, I'm talking to my Albert.

Since when?

Excuse me father, hang on to that a minute, will you?

[Jackie] He's been my Albert now for quite a long time.

Oh you shut up, it's him I want to talk to anyway.

How dare you talk to me like that?

Girls, girls please, not in front of the babies.

And you keep it out of it as well.

And you should have some respect for lady in my condition.

In what condition?

(upbeat music)


Katie?

(Jackie cries)

No, now no more.

Dry your eyes now.

Take care of those children.

(Jackie crying)

Now will you stop that snivelling?

And put the kettle on.

Uh, Mick?

Mick?

Hello Mick, are you up there Mick?

It's only me.

(babies and Jackie crying)

Mick?

You upstairs, Mick?

Mick?

It's only me.

Mick, can you hear me Mick?

Mick, you there?

Anybody home?

Funny.

[ Kate] Guys, come on. (children yelling)

Hello Kate, I was just looking for Mick.

Oh, was it anything important?

Thank you darling.

Oh yes, well uh, it's not important.

Go to Jackie.

[Andy] I'll wait until I see him.

Oh okay.

(kids fussing)

No, what's the matter with you? What are you crying for?

Oh, you're very wet, come one.

Jackie, leave those would you, and go and change them.

They're very wet.

There we are.

(baby crying)

Come on, oh what is it?

You don't like being wet, do you?

Thank you father.

Well, this house is a mad house, as usual.

Now come on, but those down.

Look what you've done, you've made a mess all over the floor.

There's a good girl, now come on.

Go and wash your hands before tea.

Don't come down till I call you.

I, um, I had a haircut today.

Did you?

Yes, and then I went for a walk in the shopping precinct.

It's all go, isn't it.

Yes, now look I want to talk to you about what I discovered there.

(kids screaming)

Oh, excuse me.

[Sean] Mom, come and help me open the door!

Now what's going on up there?

[Children] Can't get in the bathroom!

[Kate] Sean, what are you doing?

[Sean] Can't get in, the door's locked.

Now if you're messing about I shall be very cross.

Now what is going on.

Now look, I should give you a smack Sean, if you're playing up again.

Will you be quiet?

Now, what are you doing?

Nothing.

The door's locked.

Oh now, don't tell fibs.

Who, who's in there?

Now come on, somebody must have locked the door, who is it?

Who's in there?

Is there anybody in there?

Me!

Oh, it's daddy.

Darling, why didn't you say, you must've heard the children.

How long are you going to be?

Look, some time, I think.

Oh you better go downstairs and use the cloakroom, go on.

You know Andy's downstairs do you?

Mick?

What?

I said, you know Andy's downstairs.

Yes, well I don't want to see him, do I?

Well I don't want to see him either but I'm stuck with him.

You're all right, aren't you, not sick or anything?

No, I just want to be left alone.

(Kate sighs)

(Jackie crying)

No what's the matter with you.

(crying) Nothing.

(Andy singing)

Oh Kate, do you have a moment. Frankly, no, but what is it?

Is it anything important? Well as a matter of fact it is, but look if you're too busy I'll wait until Mick comes back.

[Children] Daddy's in the loo, daddy's in the loo, daddy's in the loo.

Stop with that, shh, quiet.

He's home then, is he? No, they just saying anything now.

Now come on, all of you.

(door slams)

Come here.

Are these sweets, mum? I found them in the car.

No darling, of course they're not sweets.

Now come along, all of you.

I want you to go upstairs and I want you to play very quietly until I get tea ready, up you go.

Look, I'll call back later then.

Later?

But it's Christmas Eve.

Oh look Andy, I don't mean to be rude, but you see, Mick and I, well we planned to, well what I mean is we'd um, well we want to, well look, couldn't you come back after Christmas?

Not really, no.

Oh, well look I'll tell you what.

Um, if you'd like to come back when I've got the children in bed, you know sort of later, that would be better.

[Andy] Oh yes, all right, I'll do that then.

Yes, you see I would invite you to dinner, but we're not having dinner really, and I've got Mick's family and the turkey to look...

Oh no, look I understand, well I'll come back later then.

(funky music)


(children yelling)

Hi daddy.

I think he's died.

Dead people don't talk.

Some do.

All right now, everybody into bed.

Bet Father Christmas is getting ready...

[Susan] Night mommy!

Night night, darling.

(Susan talks softly)

Night night Darling!

(children talk softly)

But the lion won't eat you.

The lion won't me no, well I'm glad about that, night.

[Susan] Give it some food.

Yes, all right, night night, God bless.

(knocks on door)

Mick?

Mick?

Oh Mick I was...

Oh no, what have you done?

What have you done to you hair?

I have had it cut.

Well I can see that.

Oh thank goodness the children were spared it before they went to bed.

Oh thank you.

I mean, what made you stop there?

Why didn't you go the whole hog?

( flute music)

It might interest you to know that my changed appearance, which apparently you find so amusing, is the result of my attempt to save our marriage.

(Kate laughs)

Oh well I'm not going to tell you if you're going to laugh.

Oh, oh Mick, I'm not laughing darling, really I'm not.

I did something today which went against everything I believe in.

Are, are you listening? Yes.

I decided that one of us had to make the break.

And that that person had to be me.

I couldn't allow you to drift into mortal sin and so I I made the sacri...

Look, I am not going to go on if you are going to stand there giggling.

No darling, I'm listening, really I am.

It wasn't easy for me but after last night I convinced myself it was the only way, that despite Andy and my religion the only way that I...

(Kate laughing)

Oh I can't go on if you're going to behave like a school girl.

(laughing) Sorry darling.

I'm really sorry, really (laughing).

I know how you feel, and I couldn't let you take desperate measures so I went out today to buy certain things.

What sort of things? You know perfectly well what I mean.

Things!

Oh, things.

Yes.

(laughing) At the, at the hairdressers?

I tried other places apart from the hairdressers but without success.

(laughing) What did you do?

Did you wear the while they cut your hair (laughing).

I can see it's useless to continue while you're in this mood.

I shall go and do the children's stockings.

(Kate laughing)

(doorbell rings)

(Kate laughing)

Oh hello, is this a...

Hello Mick, why you've changed your hair. Yes I have.

Well I said I'd call back. Now I hope it's convenient.

You should've taken my appointment at the hairdressers.

Andy, let's us just forget my hair, shall we?

Oh, sorry.

Ah, hello Kate, well I'm back like I said.

Oh well if you've come to tell us the Christmas story we've already heard it(laughing).

Don't take any notice of her, she's in a funny mood.

It's important, is it?

It is, Mick, yes.

Yes, well you better come in then.

(laughing) Well, what's it to be? Tea, coffee, or the hard stuff?

I don't know about you two but I need a real drink.

Funny mood, funny mood.

Was that father Andrew just now?

Ah yes, he's come in for one of his convenient little chats.

(plates crash on the floor)

Oh god (cries).

Well has anybody any idea what's the matter with Jackie?

I no sooner mentioned Andy was here that she burst into tears and rushed upstairs.

Ah yes, she would, yes.

What do you mean, she would, yes?

Uh, take it that way, she would, yes.

What's he talking about?

I don't know, what are you talking about?

Sit down, Mick, go on sit down.

She is in a state of mortal sin.

[Kate] Aren't we all.

Yes well, now I'll get around to that it in a minute.

Jackie is, well how do you say it?

Say what?

Well tonight of all nights, but the point is, not to beat about the bush, I'm afraid that girl of yours is in the same condition the blessed virgin was in nearly 2,000 years ago.

Well presumably not exactly the same condition.

Well, shall we say the end result is likely to be the same.

Well, shall we?

You mean, she's pregnant?

That's about it.

About it, or it?

Definitely it.

Well, unless she's carrying it very well I assume we're not going to have to clear the garage tonight to make room for the three wise men.

It's not a joke, Kate. It's not a joke, Kate.

Look, I've got Christmas day and your family, if I don't joke about it I shall burst into tears.

(sighs) So, she's pregnant right?

Well that's not exactly earth shattering news in this house.

But now we've got that much established, all we've got to find out is when and who.

Well don't look at me.

No no, don't look at Mick.

Well, all right, but it seems very strange that your clerical friend should drop in tonight of all nights, as he puts it, and throw out these cryptic hints.

What cryptic hints?

Well, if you didn't get them, I did.

Now were you making hints?

No, no, not hints.

No, but to answer your previous question as to who, the gentleman concerned happens to be waiting outside.

Oh, we're not going to have a shotgun wedding are we?

Because you see, unlike you two, I haven't had my hair done.

Will you shut up?

Is it anybody we know?

Well I don't think so.

Shall I bring him in?

Yes, go ahead.

Mick, what do you mean go ahead?

It's Christmas Eve.

Yes, well I thought of that but I felt it my duty to get an understanding between the two of them, face to face.

Yes, well I think that's, that's reasonable enough, don't you darling?

Mick, only two men could find it reasonable to sort out a pregnant au pair girl on Christmas Eve.

It's, well it's, shall we say, a little late in everybody's day.

Kate, that's justified, what you said.

I can only plead with you.

Well, the father of the child's outside, is he?

Yes.

Nervous or belligerent?

(laughs) A little of both.

Wonderful, oh what a pity we didn't plan this for tomorrow, so much better than charades.

Oh, well I suppose I better go and tidy up the bride.

Albert?

Ah Albert, this is Mr. Goonahan.

[Albert] Evening.

It's a lovely time of year it is.

Especially for the children.

Yeah.

(door closes shut)

Ah, Mick.

Who's van's that outside?

Van, hmm?

That your van is it?

I come in a van, yeah.

Do you always drive that van, do you?

Nothing wrong with that, is there?

Licenced.

Very odd.

What's he on about?

I'll tell you what I'm on about.

A van suspiciously like the one outside nearly caused a very nasty accident.

Only nasty accident I caused is the one upstairs.

There's no need to be crude.

What's crude about it?

I'm only stating the facts.

Sordid facts, if I may say so.

Oh I see, you mean you never dipped your wick?

I most certainly have not.

Ah, yes, Mick I don't think this line of questioning is likely to help the present situation.

(Jackie crying)

Oh dear, lovely, way to rope myself in here, isn't it?

Sh, sh, just calm down.

She'll be all right in a minute.

No use crying now, is there?

I mean you enjoyed it at the time.

Leave her alone, she'll be all right, just sit down there.

Yes, Jackie we're not trying to distress you.

We're just want to solve the problem.

Now Mr. Baker, Mr. Baker I take it you are aware that Jackie is a catholic girl.

That's what you'd told me, yeah.

And you're not.

No, I'm definitely not a catholic girl.

My good man, I think your humour is slightly misplaced.

Probably, yeah. Yes, now let, let me say it.

Mr. Baker is not of the faith, which...

Thickens the soup.

Here, come on, dry your eyes.

Well don't let us prolong the agony.

(Jackie blows nose)

I've come willing, shown willing, I admit I'm responsible, so are you, come to that.

Me?

Yeah, you're too fond of ringing doorbells before the game's over.

There was I, playing extra time upstairs while he's on the doorstep whistling for off-side.

See normally I usually wear shin guards.

Shin guards?

Yeah well, you know?

Oh.

Just a minute, do you mean to say you've actually had the nerve to seduce this girl in my house?

(Jackie crying)

Mick, what does the place matter?

But he's not even a catholic.

Well, nor's the baby yet, let's talk about that, shall we?

We have to think of the moral issues, Kate.

I know that Andy, you don't have to tell me.

But an unborn baby is hardly in the position to appreciate the subtleties.

Well yes, yes, I accept that, but we have to think of the moral issues.

I come back to one thing, and that is Mr. Baker is not a catholic.

All right, we've established that, so?

It's a very big hurdle.

Oh does that mean you'd have preferred Jackie to be seduced by a protestant with a contraceptive or a catholic without one.

(Albert laughs)

Oh well, Kate, I mean if you're going to descend to his level.

Mick, I'm not descending anywhere, I'd just like a plain answer to a plain question.

After all, it affects me too, as we all know.

Are you in the club and all? She most certainly is not.

Only asking.

I just like to know whether you think it's better We can't take the easy way out Kate.

There's not compromise with God.

(sighs) There can't be many popes in heaven then.

Now that's unfair.

Look, I'm not getting at you personally, I like you, I like you very much, and you're true to your faith, but, oh it's a man's faith, Andy.

Worse, it's a, it's a bachelor's faith dictated, organised and administered by bachelors.

Oh you're all such experts but we're the ones who have to have the babies.

Now in all of this not one of you has asked Jackie what she feels.

I mean that wouldn't occur to any of you.

Well, I'm going to.

Come on, so you can all stay down here while I take her upstairs and sort it all out.

(doorbell rings)

(carolers sing)

Go on, listen to the commercials.

♪ Unto us a son is given ♪

(Jackie cries)

♪ Unto us a son is given ♪

♪ Oh unto us a child is born ♪

♪ Unto us a child is born ♪

♪ Unto us a son is given ♪

♪ Oh unto us a newborn child is born ♪

Thank you sir, any special requests?

Yes, but I don't think you can sing it.

[Woman] Merry Christmas, merry Christmas.

Yes well, what do we do now?

Well we could have a drink.

Oh that's not a bad idea, will you have a jar, Andy?

Oh, well thanks, Mick.

You know I have a thumping head.

You don't have any aspirins do you?

Yes, I think so, she usually keeps some in the, look give me that thing there will you?

Uh yes, here you are.

Ah thank you.

See the trouble with life is you can't just take an aspirin and forget about it.

Ah, true.

Here give us a couple.

Ah, yes well it look's like being a long night, so I think I'll join you.

(carolers sing)

Well uh...

Sláinte.

Cheers.

I like your wife.

What's that mean?

Don't get hairy, just a compliment.

I like her, she got spirit.

Yes, she's got that all right.

Attractive with it.

You find most women attractive, it would seem.

Yes, well some men just can't control themselves.

Yeah, it's a petty about blokes like you.

Now what's that supposed to mean?

Well you've got more kids than I have.

That will be my first time with it.

Yes, well uh, what about the bird in, or the, what about that girl in that shopping precinct.

Ah, not mine, she's a raver.

Married, nice steady husband, one on the way, still chasing me, what can I do?

You can do the right thing about Jackie, for a start.

Oh don't give me all that cobblers.

If she wasn't your au pair girl you wouldn't be giving me scotch on Christmas Eve.

You wouldn't wanna know.

And if she a nice Church of England girl, nor would you.

Carnal knowledge outside of holy matrimony is always a sin.

Carnal what?

Well whatever you call it.

I make it sound a bit more attractive.

You know, bit of grummet?

Knee trembler?

Banging the nail home.

See to me, carnal knowledge is what dirty old men read about in books.

No offence, but I find you two funny, especially you.

And once again, nothing personal, but it is strange that people who've never done it tell other people who are doing it all the time how to do it.

You must admit I got a point.

If we was all perfect you'd have to turn your collar in.

Well, how would you answer that, Mick?

Well I think we've seemed to forgotten Jackie, like Kate said.

Right, it's because you're not talking about people, you're talking about bleeding perfection and it doesn't exist.

Now why don't you ask me if I'm prepared to marry her?

Well are you? Are you?

Yeah, if she wants to.

See, I thought I was coming here for a punch up to fix the date.

Mind you, I'm not gonna push it.

She's gotta want it too, otherwise no go.

I mean this is a a new situation for me.

What do you mean a new situation?

Having a baby, spoiled my record, it's never been my scene.

Yes I find it difficult to imagine exactly what your scene is.

Well if you don't mind me saying so, my scene is a bloody sight healthier then sitting 'round here rabbiting, especially when you've got an attractive bird.

Sorry, wife, who to my eye, seems a little short on the old, married comforts, know what I mean?

Well have you experts found the solution?

Oh, I see you've found your own solution, as usual.

As a matter of fact, we were just talking about you.

Oh that must have been very rewarding.

Well actually we weren't talking about you darling, just that your name happened to come into the conversation.

Well do you know I wouldn't mind talking about me because I've been thinking while I was upstairs settling Jackie, oh and by the way it'll be all right because she wants to have it.

Did she say that?

Yes, she did so that's your problem from now on.

But I'd like to talk about my problem, which, well perhaps you could help with, Mr. Baker.

Albert, Albert.

Well, since you're the expert, Albert, perhaps we ought to take advantage.

Well I don't know what your problem is, do I?

Well, um, it's really only a coincidence that Andy's here tonight trying to save Jackie, because usually he's trying to save me.

And you know, the curious thing is, I don't seem to get the same advice.

Well to put it bluntly, if it would have been all right for you to use something to save Jackie's immortal soul, why can't I use something to save mine.

Kate.

Oh, it's that is it?

Yes Albert, it's that.

Now you're twisting my words, Kate.

Am I? Well, maybe I am a little, but it's still a good question.

Look Kate, it's all a matter of faith.

[Kate] Andy, that's not an answer.

It's the only one I've got to give.

Oh, faith isn't going to make that girl upstairs any less pregnant, and faith is going to stop me from becoming pregnant.

You see, the church can afford faith because it's, oh it's rich and it's grand and it gets away with murder, and it never gives an inch, not an inch.

Well it's giving inches all the time Kate, but you want it in yards.

All I want is the right to choose.

And if I haven't got that then I haven't got a marriage.

Well you wouldn't expect me to agree with that, would you?

No, but I'd settle for understanding.

Well you have that.

I do understand, believe me.

I don't want to destroy your marriage.

You follow your own conscience, because God gave you that too.

Well look, I really, I really must be going I'm afraid.

Albert, take care.

Will do.

[Mick] I'll see you out Andy.

Oh yeah, thanks Mick.

Yes I've got to go and make preparations for the Midnight Mass tonight.

Thanks Mick, well, goodbye.

Andy,

merry Christmas.

Well.

I thought you did very well.

Has Jackie gone to bed, has she? [Kate] Yes.

Would it be all right if I dropped around Boxing Day?

Why not?

Um, who had this out?

Oh, we did, we all had headache.

What, all of you?

Mm.

Oh my god.

What's up?

Nothing, I, I hope they did you all some good.

Well I better be going too.

Your Missus said it'd be all right if I dropped around Boxing Day.

Uh, fine, fine.

Only remains for me to wish you both the compliments of the season.

I suppose you and me ought to exchange addresses sometime.

What, what for?

It's normal isn't it?

When there's been an accident and nobody got hurt?

Ta-ra.

[Mick] Happy Christmas.

Cheers. Cheers.

(door closes)

Extraordinary character.

Hmm.

He said some very nice things about you though.

Did he?

Yes, I don't know, I suppose we're lucky really.

I think we are.

Come on, let's go upstairs and do the children's stockings, they're almost ready.

Right.

(gentle music)

(door closes)

Would you like to open your present now?

It's not brilliantly wrapped.

[Mick] Just a sec, darling.

Oh, now what.

Oh darling, it doesn't matter.

Darling there's lights on over there.

I don't suppose everybody got binoculars for Christmas.

Well darling, put the lights out if it bothers you.

All right, all right.

You can open your present in the dark.

What is it?

You're holding it.

[Mick] Where are you?

[Kate] Over here.

[Mick] Where's over here?

[Kate] By the bed.

[Mick] Oh, what are you up to?

[Kate] Nothing.

[Mick] You uh, you haven't taken anything, have you?

[Kate] Darling, I haven't taken anything you haven't taken.

[Mick] I love you, you know?

[Kate] I love you.

(upbeat music)

Mommy, he's come, I've got a duck!

(children talking)

(upbeat folk music)

♪ He'll say yes she'll say no ♪

♪ To a roll in the lunar hay ♪

♪ But despite the gadgets and the gravity ♪

♪ They'll be doing it the same old way ♪

♪ Na na na na na na na na na na na ♪

♪ There is a population problem ♪

♪ Answers must be found ♪

♪ Is our only hope if we start to float ♪

♪ Two foot six above the ground ♪