The Man Who Killed Don Quixote (2018) Script

I was born by the special will of heaven in this Age of Iron to restore the lost age of chivalry.

I am the man for whom all dangers are expressly reserved and grand adventures and brave deeds also.

I am Don Quixote de la Mancha.

This will be a marvelous day for adventure, Sancho.

I feel it in my bones.

Good god, Sancho!

A giant!



With arms six miles long-- just facing his terrible, grinding teeth.

I am sworn to rid the earth of this foul and fearsome giant, Sancho!

I am Don Quixote de la Mancha.

It's just a windmill.

Prepare to die!

And cut right there.

Good work.

Speak in English for Christ's sake!

No, no, it's not we can muck up the world.

It's we can fuck up the world.

That's what I wrote.

That's what we're going to shoot.

Me organ grinder.

You monkey.

No agua, thank you.

That was a good one.

Did you buy that?

We could cut that together, couldn't we?

That's someone else's job, isn't it.

I said I want laughing, smiling, happy, clappy people-- white, black, yellow, green, LGBT, GLBT, GNT, fucking T&A. I don't give a fuck, so long as the ratio is right.


Got to go. Hands to hold.

Oh, Toby.

What is this?

What is this I feel?

I don't know, Rupert.

What is it?

Your 15%?

A little hard grain needing to be worn down, hmm?

Turned to dust, blown away on the wind.

We should move along, shouldn't we?

Good idea.

Toby, I am so sorry.

Toby, it's these bloody Spanish.

They can't seem to handle anything too complicated.

Could you get me down, Fritzi?

It's a reset-- everybody back to first!

The crank! The crank is wrong.

We're not going to make it.

No, I want to drop some of the shots.


Are you sure?


Because it isn't working.

Because my client isn't happy.

Because the whole concept is ridiculous.

Because we become what we hold on to.

That's true.

It's your concept, your vision, your idea to come to Spain in the first place.

I know-- the smell, the sweat, the real España.

Well then?

Well, I was wrong.

Oh, Sarah!

How's it going, Sarah?


How's it going, Melissa?

Toby, I can't.

You can.

You must.

You shall.

I'm sorry. Can you please?

Look, can we please come up with some other ideas here?

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Just a thought-- how about we just CGI the giant back in London?

Great idea,.

Is that your best, when we have paid for everybody to come out here? Yeah.

And Toby hates CGI.

He wants it all handcrafted.

I am a little bit worried about the negative connotations here.

I mean, Power Grid--

It's the world through Quixote's eyes.

--is a multinational giant.

Just like the book.

There's a book?

Do we have the rights?

Hey, you fucking tampered with this, haven't you, you bastard?

You should get me a fresh one.

If anything happens to me, I will come here, and I will personally shit down your throat.

Well done.

Well, now that our producer here has so bravely thwarted the terrorist threat to our water supply, I'd like to say, buenos noches.

We need you, Toby.

Don't we, everyone?

Everybody needs you, Toby.

You don't.

You are not going anywhere.

You're the epic fucking genius.

Well, fuck you too.

Well, will you noli me tangere?


Genuflect, everyone.

She's adorable, so transparent you can read her like a book.

Yeah, and slightly worn, spine-rubbed, some foxing.

Hombre, que tal?

That's what they say over here, isn't it?

I wouldn't know. I don't talk to them.


Hey, I hope you're not giving our Man of La Mancha too much of a hard time.

Not at all.

You can trust our Toby.

Just as I was saying.

My family, to a great campaign, to Power Grid-- here's to us and bugger the rest.

Bugger the rest.

Yes, bugger them all with impunity.


I got to go.

I got a meeting in Nice.

Potential client, Russian vodka.

They got me on their private jet.

Well, it's good to know people are still showing off the size of their dicks.

I wanted you to keep an eye on her when I'm gone.

Do that for me?

Of course he will. Yeah.

Sure I will.

What's the problem, son?

Got it wrong.

We should scrap the whole campaign.


Hold your nerve.

You're a great talent.

He's a genius.

He's a visionary.

Really doesn't help.

Maybe you need some inspiration.

Hey, you!

Come here.


There are some ideas in here you might--



Or use.

Se or, maybe this one?


That's strange.

Look, this is perfect.

Isn't that our Man from La Mancha for real?

That's the way, my family.

He's going to be great.

My money?



I don't like to leave you here.

You're in a strange mood. Sit.

Where'd you get this?

Uh, that's a good question.

I found it.


Hey, where are you going?

Hey, hey, hey, aren't you supposed to be looking after me tonight?

God knows someone should.

Do you have a DVD player?

You're bad.

You bad boy.

Bad and wicked.

Will you hold that pose?

I am Don Quixote de la Mancha.

I was born by a special will of heaven to restore the lost age of chivalry for the protection of the weak and for grand adventures.

What is it?

"The Man Who Killed Don Quixote."

I made it a long time ago.

My graduation film.

It won me awards.


Oh, the old man is wonderful.

Yeah, you know, I'm trying to break the cliche, you know, not using actors, real people, use villagers.


He was a shoemaker, I think.

Yeah, yeah.

And I can see why they grabbed you from commercials.

Yeah, this must be my passport to Hollywood.


Toby, I'm The Boss's wife.


You are The Boss's wife.

Yeah I'm The Boss's wife.

You're The Boss's wife.

I'm The Boss's wife.

You're The Boss's wife.

Oh no, Sancho, he's crazy-- crazy with love.

I am The Boss's wife.

You're The Boss's wife.


I'm The Boss's wife.

You're The Boss's wife.

Yeah, baby.

Oh, mm.


But he's in Nice.

He'll kill me.

What about me?





Oh god.

I'm back!

Every man for himself.


Jacqui! Come on.

Come on.

I don't have time.

Hurry up!


Oh, Toby, your beads.

Oh, shit!





I'm going to kill you, you greasy gyppo!!

Hey, baby.

That was the only cut.

I don't even know what that's for.


Check this. Hold on.

Hey, pal.


Come here.

Check this out.

Holy shit.

Right? He's perfect.


Hola, se or.


Un momento, por favor?



Hi, hola.

Hola, we're American.

Or I'm American.

This is Jimmy and Joe. Hi.

We're making

What are you doing for the next two months?

Javier, you're making shoes now.

My shoes--

No, no, no. Forget the shoes, man!

These are bandidos. Bandidos.

You're angry.

Yeah, yeah.

The girl is in danger.



Fuck that.


I am Don Quixote de la Mancha!


And he goes down.

Then you hit this one, and then that goes down.

Si, Javier?


And gone. Si?

Aye, si, si.


Forget the shoes.

You are Don Quixote.

Si, comprendo.

No, Javier, you are Don Quixote.


Don Quixote.

And? Ouch.


If there's something that doesn't translate through a Polaroid, then it's not going to translate through a camera. How about that one?

No, absolutely not.

What about this one?

That's my favorite.

No, none of these.

She's his dulcinea-- you know, his ideal.

She has to be beautiful and pure.

Just like in the book, the Lady Dulcinea looked up but once, and their eyes met, and from that brief moment on Don Quixote de la Mancha became free from all fear.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Careful, Toby.

She's Raul's little girl.

Toby, Toby, Toby, Toby!

You could be though-- you could be in movies.

I'm serious.


Yes. To die?


Why not?

I'm serious.

A little village girl like me? Yeah.

Don't break it.

Oh, please god.

What if like-- if I let it-- No!

Oh, please.


I'm serious.

You could be someone.

Either you are very naive, or you are very crazy.

Well, you know, an artist has to be.


Now you're-- now you're an artist.


An artist must be cruel.

Are you cruel?

Wait, wait-- wait there.

What do you see?

A star.

Angelica, where are you?

It's late.

I'm hungry!

I love you.

It's like I was really back there again.

I could smell it.

And then I wake up.

A sue o, a beautiful dream.

Yeah, but I don't dream.

No, of course not.

You don't have to.

You have everything.

I had no idea the village was this close.

Los Sue os is just over the hill there.

He's fucking mental.

It still isn't working.

We've got to shoot something.

We cannot just sit here.

Set up a crane shot of the wind turbines.

Put it on a long track.

The crane's on the other side.


It's going to take hours.


You're back.


I didn't need to go after all.

Turns out they got a castle out here.

The Russkies are buying up everything, aren't they?

But it's looking good for our Vodka gig.

We'll know in a couple of days.

I asked you to look after my wife, Toby.

I did.

No, not very well.

There was a thief in our fucking hotel suite.


A thief?

Are you sure?

That'd what she says.

You know what I think?

I think it was that greasy gypsy from last night.

I found his hat.



He seemed dodgy.


Well, they all are, aren't they?

You look tired, son.

Oh, you know, it's just watching that old DVD.


Jacqui told me.

She told you?


A work of yours, she said.

That's a coincidence.


Yeah, such a long time ago.

It looks like it was made by somebody else.

Yeah, why don't you polish up some of those old ideas, make them nice and shiny for us?

Yeah, I could.

I don't know.

You know what?

While they're setting up, I think I'm going to go for a spin.

Clear your head?


I'll drive you.

No, that's OK.

Dan the man.

Yo, Toby.

Lend me your bike.



Are you coming, my love?


Oh but, um.

I don't have a helmet.

You don't need one. Take care.

All right.

Great, great, great.

Thank you.

Cut, cut, cut, cut.

Thank you.


Gracias a todos.

Thank you very much.

Hasta manana.

Hasta manana!

Do you want something more?

I do, yeah, so many things-- better writing ability mostly.


No, no, no, no. No.


You will be sent with my squire-

Javier, Javier, this is great.

This is great.

This time take two.

Todo in Inglés, please?


Yeah, in Inglés. Inglés.


Si, si.

Unhand her, foul bandido!

Stand and face justice!


Cut, cut, cut, cut.



I am Don Quixote.

You are Don Quixote.

I am Don Quixote.

Por favor.


How's it going? Long time no see.

We don't need these.

We understand one another perfectly.

Hey, shiny boy, Little Pedro was in this film of yours, yeah?

Yes, he was, Little Pedro, right, Sancho Panza, all 250 pounds of him.

How is he?

Little Pedro?

He's dead.


He liked to drink.

The drink didn't like him. OK.

I'm sorry.

To Little Pedro.

Many things have changed since your film, Toby.

What about Javier?

The old man who played Quixote?

Is he-- is he still alive?


Oh yeah.

Don Quixote Vive, if that's what you like to call him.

Oh good.

How about Angelica?


Angelica, your daughter.


I will take you.

I will show you.

Oh, she's here?


Oh, fantastic.

She was so great in the movie.


She was a flower.

And they grow up, Raul.

For Christ's sake, it's what they're meant to do.

My daughter?

The whore?


What are you talking about?

She was such a sweet girl.

No more.

She chase your dream, Toby, to Madrid.

She break.

What the fuck!

Give me that.

You-- Papa!

Papa! Fuck!

You little fucking prick.


What the hell did you call my boy?


Come back here, you creep!

Quixote Vive?



Hi. There's a sign, Quixote Vive?

You want to see him?

Would you like to see the Don Quixote de la Mancha, the real Don Quixote?

I do.

Come on.


No, no, no.

I am Don Quixote de la Mancha.

I was born in the year of our Savior, 1605, by special will of heaven to restore the lost age of chivalry.

I am the man for whom all dangers are expressly resulting.

And grand adventures and brave deeds also.

I am 400 years old.

It's not easy living so long.

But I cannot die unless perhaps I could rid myself of my dreams.

Holy shit.



Is that you?



Sancho, you've come back!

You've come back to save me.

Oh, oh, oh, you tricky peasant!


Oh, oh, oh!


I'm not Sancho.

And you're not Don Quixote.


You, Sancho.


Sancho, Sancho, isn't it you?

You must rescue me from these enchanters, huh?

Please, Sancho, take me-- take me away, Sancho.

OK. Yeah.

I'm a little late for something now.

But maybe-- No, Sancho!

Please, Sancho! All right.

Ease up, Javier. All right.

Let go. All right.

Let me out of here!

Let me out, please.

Javier, I've got to go.

Oh, what are you going?

Get off me!

Get off me!

Just look at the fucking facts, Rupert.

We bring a whole crew over to Spain.

He vanishes into thin air on a fucking motorbike.

You're talking.

There's only one genius on this set, and it's certainly not you, is it?

He's not a genius.

He's like a fucking child.

Ah, Toby!

Where the hell have you been?

We've been stalling here.

We've been dicking around here for hours.


Calm, dearheart.

Looks like Toby needs a moment.

The agency is begging for blood.

Bill needs a shot list.

I need-- thanks to you, I need a doctor.

I literally do.

Now, now, Toby.

What's happened to you?

I mean, look at the state of you.

Oh, and the police are here.

Do you know what, Bill?

It's all yours-- the whole fucking nightmare.

You're promoted. I quit.


They found the thief.

They want that fucking gypsy, of course.

Do me a favor.

Come identify him for me.


It's looking great.




He was the creep bothering my wife in the restaurant the other night, wasn't he?

Yeah, that's him.


Se or,.

This is your motorcycle, Se or?

Uh, mine how?

There has been a fire in a local village.

That registration number matches one we were given.

Oh, I'm sorry.

But that's not mine.

I-- it's, um-- who's the little-- that guy!

Toby, Toby, don't you remember?

You borrowed it.

He borrowed it for inspiration.

Perhaps you will come to assist us.

But I don't know anything about any fire.

I mean, I know what fire is.

But I don't know what you're talking about.

Better go along with them, Toby.

We don't want to antagonize the locals.

Don't worry about the delay here.

Put it down to act of God or something.

Oh, wait.

I found these outside my hotel suite.

Yours, aren't they?

Oh fuck.


Any problems, text me.

I think you got me into a big trouble, Se or Toby, hmm?

Maybe you should be a man.

Maybe you should tell them, eh?

Fuck this!

God, what I wouldn't give to get my hands on one of these bastards for a few minutes.


Still living in the fucking Middle Ages.

Oh shit.

Fucking-- Holy Week.

Holy Week.

I know a way around this. Are you sure?

We'll be back on the main road in a moment.

A moment?

How long exactly is a moment in your life?

I didn't know.

Just shut the fuck up.

What is this?

What the fuck is he doing?

Hey, get out!

Your carnival is over, old man.

Oh no.

Why are those men in chains?



I am Don Quixote de la Mancha.

And I command you to release my squire, Sancho Panza.

Don Quixote?



Looks like one of you is saved.

This has nothing to do with me.

I am dedicated to chivalry and protection of the weak.


Your hellish wailing does not frighten me!

Release those innocent men.

Hey, carnival is-- oh!

What the fuck?

Get off that horse, you-- Go!

Get away from Rocinante!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Stop, stop, stop, stop!


No, no, no, no, help! Shit!

What the fuck are you doing, man?

I think you've killed him.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

No, no! No!

No, please.

Freeze! No!

God no!

Sancho, the forces of darkness are defeated!

It wasn't me. I didn't do it.

Fuck. Shit.

I'm bleeding.

Oh. Oh.

Thank God it's not mine.

No, no, no.



Please don't let this be real!

Fuck! Fuck!

Oh shit. Shit.

Shit. Shit.


Fucking batteries!

I'm a dead man. OK.


Take control.

Take control, Toby.

Take control and the world soon follows.

Take control.


There you are.

You crazy peasant, always playing games.

Do you think you can hide from me?

No, no, no, no, no.

Stay away from me.

Sancho, you're free.

Those cops are dead, aren't they?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

The forces of darkness can never die.

You killed them, didn't you?

You were so brave, huh?

The way you attacked that coachman and frightened away his wailing beast.

I didn't do anything.

Oh, humility is a blessing.

Tonight, we will sing songs to your bravery.

I brought you your clothes, Sancho.

You can get out of that disguise, eh?

You are free.

Oh, Sancho.

We shall have such great adventures together.

A knight-errant and his loyal squire, huh?

Mwah. Mwah.


This will be a marvelous day for adventure, Sancho.

I feel it in my bones.

I need to call my office.

Where are we going?

Who knows?

Her destiny guides our fortune, Sancho.

I'm getting eaten alive.

Look, maybe we should just go back and face a few ugly realities.

You can explain everything to the authorities.


Do you think explaining explains anything?

Well, yes.

You have a simple view of life, Sancho, very touching.


And you're really Don Quixote.

You doubt it?

Look, do you remember years ago, about 10 years ago, I was making a film?

You were just an old man I found.

I was lost, forgotten. Yeah, right.

But then I found you.

And I thought, this guy has an interesting face.

It's the kind of face I'd use now to sell insurance.

I owe you a great debt, Sancho.

You restored me.

You really don't remember?

Don Quixote de la Mancha, the knight of the mournful countenance--

Come to restore the lost age of chivalry by a special will of heaven!


Well, I wrote that.


I adapted it, since a screenplay is a very different language to a novel.

But it's--


The hand of our God in heaven wrote me, not the filthy whore of some-- OK.

OK. I apologize.

I'm sorry.

You may beg forgiveness at the feet of my Lady Dulcinea.

Lady Dulcinea, right?

Of course.


Once, as if in a dream, Don Quixote dreams this Lady Dulcinea.

She was sitting--

Beside a stream before her crystal mansion.

I know, of course.

Writing again, Sancho?


Because those are the words of the great Arab historian, Cide Hamete Benengeli.

Right, right, I forgot.

I have here this rare volume of my exploits, hmm?

A trifle florid perhaps, but the spirit is true.

Can I read?

That a peasant like you should feign interest in a book he cannot read.

Can I see?


But I can read.

This is English, Sancho.


It's a very difficult language, a Protestant language.

But come. Come.

Come. Sit with me, huh?

We will read it together.

Now, I will sound the words.

And you can look at the pictures.

Now, here.

Here, this is me on my war horse, Rocinante.

That's you Sancho.

And here-- here-- here is a beautiful princess, hmm, resplendent on her charger.

A giant!

What giant?

A giant with arms six miles long.

She is in terrible danger.

It's a windmill.





I will save you, fair maiden!

Come back here!


This is a mistake!

Prepare to die, foul and fearsome beast!

This isn't a giant!

Oh, god no! Don!


Take this!

And cut right there.


Giant, where are you?

Where are you, huh?

There you are, you thief!

Take that!


Ow. Don't move.

Just lay still.

You have saved, dear lady.

I am at your command.


I see the love light in your eyes.

It's understandable.

My hand on it.

But alas, I am betrothed to another.


Does he have the squirrels in the attic?

Squirrels are the least of it.

Do you have a phone I could use?

My father will help you.

Is he a builder? Or?

It's all very, uh, rustic.

No, se or.

This is oil.

Oil is working, just squeaky clean.


Not rustic.

Oh, the bike? Yeah.

No, it's all very oiled.

Everything's very oily.


You can't have too much oil.

Wait, wait, wait.

Wha-- you live here?

Live? Yeah.

This is-- this is where you live?

I live here.

I die here.

Right, it's good.

That's good.

I live.

I die.

I live.

I die.

I live.

Live and die. I live.

I die.

Some of us-- some of us sooner than others.

What do you think you are doing, huh?

Get them out of here!

What is this splendid castle that defies gravity?


Can I use your telephone?

And this angelic messenger who welcomes us as she--

We don't want any trouble.

Divine lady, I shall forever preserve your kindness in the treasury of my memory.


Get him out of here.

Come on.

Please, please, my dear, this is not showing what good Christians we are.

Remember, this is the Holy Week.

Oh, oh, oh, this old man must be playing the part of a martyred saint.

Look, his halo.

So devout.

Is there a telephone?


What elephant?


I'm going to go.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You must stay.

Out there is very dangerous, bad men.

But here, everything is A-OK.

Here, we are all the good Samaritans.

We will turn the other cheek to hear your brave martyr.

We must charm these needy pilgrims.

A good host looks after his hostages.

Is that the right word?

No, that's not the right word.

Rest here, brave holy martyr.

We'll be back soon.

Why must I be such an unfortunate knight?

What have you got me into?

Young ladies just have to look at me once to be swept away with love.

I abhor you.

Why must my matchless devotion to my Lady Dulcinea always be tested?

Why should she be threatened from being the only one--


--to relish my perfect fidelity.

I knew it.

Well, these people aren't Spanish.


We're going to die.

Criminals of the world, what do you want from her?

Why do you have us?

Leave her alone! Shh!

Would you shut the fuck up?

You do know what terrorists are, don't you?

They'll probably start mailing bits of us back to Los Angeles!

I have no family, Sancho.

Not without a fight.

Open the gates!

Open the gates in the name of the law!

Just cleaning this oil work.

Oh, there is another dirty spot. See?


All right.

OK, stop.

Let me go, please.

We'll pretend none of this has happened.

Listen, I respect all religions.

My maternal grandmother was Jewish.

Open the gate! Help!

I'm in here! Help me!

No, no, no.

Please, please, please, please, please.

If the inquisition discover we are Muslims, we will be whipped or castrated or worse.

No, please!

What are you talking about?

This is the 21st century.

You're in the European Union.

It's not.

In the name of the Holy Brotherhood, open the gate!

Open the gate.


Welcome, sirs.


What the fuck?


Our honest feast and hospitality is always at the disposal of the Holy Brotherhood.

One of our patrols was attacked.

Vicious prisoners are on the loose.

We have a desss--



We'll ferret out any criminal here, sir.

Perhaps we may even find a Jew or two into the bargain.

Show yourselves!

Show yourself!

Bail out


Come out in the name of the Holy--

You have nothing to hide.

You have nothing to fear.

Sancho, where are you?

San-- hmm?

Ah, a weapon.

Fasten up your weapons.

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Come on, ye!

Sancho, help me!

Malambrino, the enchanter, and his evil minions are here.

They are come for me!


Where are you going?

We have to talk, my lying friend.





Bolt the doors!

My work!

My work! Stop!


You must stop!

I will kill you!

No, no, no, no!

Jesus Christ Almighty!

It's time to go.



It's him!


It's him!


Hello. Out here.


All right.

Out here.

You sleep well?

Did you sleep well?


Come on.

Come with me.

And while I held the enchanters at bay with my mighty sword, Sancho, my loyal squire, boldly attacking the vile forces of darkness with only a basket for a helmet.

And so we saved the castle.

I think you were frightened last night by those sweet Moroccans.

They are just poor people.

Illegal. Your friend, he lifts their spirits.

He's a saint.

He's insane.

That story you were telling them, with the basket on my head and you fighting enchanters.

That was my dream last night.

Oh, why does everything always have to be about you, Sancho?

You are so childlike, so self-centered-- me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.


Adios, you old fucking fart.

If you ever find your Lady Dulcinea, you can shove her up your ass.

They'll point me to the nearest town.

I've got transport.

This will be a marvelous day for adventure, Sancho.

It mayhap that before six days pass together, I shall conquer several kingdoms.

And I shall crown you king of one of them.

King Sancho, astonishing things attend the profession of a knight-errant.

Oh, ugh! Fuck!

Leave it, Sancho.

You can eat it later.

Spanish gold?

Spanish gold.

Hey, Don!

Take a look at this.

Fuck him.

He won't have a clue what these are worth in today's market.

No, no.

I'll take them to the police.

I'll turn myself in.

They'll see I'm an honest guy.

They'll believe me when I explained what happened.



No, I'm going to need a very good lawyer.

I'm going to hide them.


All mine!


No! No!


Uh, hello.

Oh, sorry.

I didn't mean to scare you. Whoa.

No, no, no, no, no.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I come in peace.

I'm not going to hurt you.

I just-- you wouldn't happen to know where the exit is would you?

I don't believe it.


It's you.

It is, yes.

I hope so.

You don't recognize me?

Sorry, no, I don't.

I'd like to.

You've changed, Toby.

Was it a party?

Or some bar?

I-- I would have been too young for some bar.


Oh, holy fucking shit.

Yes, of course.

I know you.

Miss Natural Moonlight Shampoo campaign.

I won the premier award in '09.

Did I get it right?

Is that you, Sally?

You've got the year right.

I was 15 years old.


That wasn't me.

You made me a promise.


Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I think you got the wrong guy.

I could be someone, you said.

Definitely wrong man.

I could be a star.

I just needed to be me.

That was all.



Are you sure? Yeah.


Yeah, I'm sure.

Holy shit.

I can't believe it's you.

Hi. Hi.

Oh god. You stink.

I was just watching the film we made the other day.

I hadn't seen it in a long time.

You were so young.

Not that you're old now.

You're still very young.

I heard you went to Madrid.


Madrid and Barcelona and Marseilles-- a lot of places.

A village girl can't go back to a little bar after starring in a movie.

Things didn't work out?

Modeling, mostly escort work.

Isn't it beautiful here?

It's my favorite place on earth.

My father would bring me here on my birthdays.

He said the cave was a secret entrance to heaven for all the poor people.

And in the waterfall was an angel.

I fucked things up for you, didn't I?

Don't flatter yourself.

You think I wanted to do laundry all my life?

I'm doing OK now.

Life's good.

But someone special in my life--

Someone who does this.

Comes with the territory. OK.



It's a living.

Same as you.

I don't get beaten up.




Forgive him, gracious madam.

He's an ignorant peasant who knows no better.

I am Don Quixote de la Mancha at your service.

Of course you are.

Please arise, sir knight.


I know of your famous exploits.

And I know of your quest for your Lady Dulcinea.

Why are you talking like that?

I know that this gentleman has the courtliness of a true knight.

A rustic, huh?

I heard that.

Oh, such ears.

Perhaps he caught something from his donkey.

Huh, Sancho?


Sancho was always so stubborn.

So greedy.

So mesmerizing-- a real enchanted.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Don't say that. Enchanter?

Oh, yes. What?


No, not enchanter.

Not enchanter!

Sancho, is this you?


Of course it is!

I mean, I'm not Sancho.

I'm a--

Malambrino, the enchanter, the fiend in disguise.

Wait, wait, wait. You know what?

I'm fucking Sancho.

You don't recognize my face?

I'm Sancho.


She didn't say enchanter.

She said-- she said-- she said chanter.

I said enchanter.

I'm a chanter--

Cantor-- Eddie Cantor--

Eddie Cantor, only not totally Jewish looking.

Fuck it!

If you knew Susie like I know Susie-- oh, oh, oh, what a gal.

There's none so classy as this fair lassie-- oh, oh, oh my goodness, what a chassis.

We went riding.

She didn't balk.

From the country, I'm the one that had to walk.

If you knew Susie like I know Susie--

Oh, oh, what a gal!

Oh, oh.

You had me worried for a moment there, Sancho.

I have to go.

Goodbye, Toby. No.

Stay, dear lady.

No, no, I'll come with you.

No, no, no, no.

She needs a true escort, a knight.

Step aside.

Gracious lady.

Let me help your foot.

Let me help you.

Get your hand off her, Sancho.



You touched her with your filthy peasant hands.


You're the dirty old man.

How dare you say that to me.

I'll thrash you for that! All right.

Stop, stop, stop.


We should follow her.

I think she needs our help.

Love is a cruel jailer, Sancho.


Did you see the look in her eyes?

Oh, let me guess?

She fell in love with you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a curse, Sancho.

It's a curse.

Come on. Come on.

Come on.

Can't these things go any faster?

How are we going to follow them like this?

Sancho, a knight-errant, he wanders, he roams, he seeks.

He never follows.

Heeya, heeya.

Angelica's scarf.


We'll never find her now.

It's a heaven-sent blessing, Sancho.

We have a quest.

A what?

A quest.

An impossible quest. Oh, great.

Listen, Sancho.

Do you hear that?

The call of the Muezzin.

The what?

The Muslim call to prayer.

Listen, Sancho.

Sancho, listen.

Oh, Sancho.

We are on hallowed ground, Sancho.

Bow your head, Sancho.

Bow your head.

Sancho, bow your head.

Our Christ has brought us to Al Hazzaharaha, the last citadel of the Moorish kings.

And there, do you see?

There they are.

The wise chorus in their robes of white, their heads bowed in prayer to Allah.

Those are sheep.

You ignorant peasant, why speak badly of them just because they worship a heathen god.

Oh, Sancho, follow me with humility.

Al Zagal the great Moorish warrior once trod these magnificent halls.

Who knows?

Perhaps these wise men know of the lady we seek.


Then can we just get out of the fucking sun.

Sancho, they are welcoming us.

Oh no, gentlemen.

There is no need to bow.

I am just a poor Christian knight on a quest.

In the perfumed court to the sultan, the days are passed in sweet music and gentle delights with gracious noblemen and courtly ladies.

I'm starving!

Well then eat, Sancho.

Food makes a peasant's heart glad.

What's this?

Wha-- oh, a conundrum.

Is this one of your riddles, Sancho?

Oh, I like a riddle.

Oh, what is this?

Let's see.

It's a-- it's a horse and cart.

Is that it?

I mean what's in it?

What's in it.

Mm, let's see.

It's a got a goose-- or a wild hippogriff?

You're pathetic.


It would be easy if I was, Sancho.

It would be easy if I were allowed to be an old man.

But I am bound to honor the code of knight-errant.

Well chivalry is dead and gone.

I'm very sorry.

It probably never existed anyway.

Oh never was there a knight so sad as he who lost his love--

Shut the fuck up!


My servant calls to--

Shh. Shh.


But foolishly he leaves his horse behind the quest--


Oh, most beauteous and cruel hearted maiden, must you allow your captive knight to waste and perish in this endless wandering?

Dead and gone, Sancho?

Release me from my enchantment.

It is not enough that I've forced even the famous Don Quixote of la Mancha to kneel to your beauty. Que?

Who's there?

A knight-errant accompanied by his loyal squirrel, Sancho Panza.

It's squire-- loyal squire!

Accompanied by his line squirrel, Sancho Panza.

Sir, I doubt if you'll vanquish the real Don Quixote.

Somebody impersonating him, perhaps?

For a full day and night, I pulled Don Quixote hand to hand.

Finally, forced him to submit and bow down to my lady.


I am the real Don Quixote in person.

You doubt my word, old man?

You'd do better to return to your bed.

It's essential when faced with the purity of a true knight, the false knight retreats.

He's probably wet himself.

Would you shut the fuck up?

It's time to go.


Let the conquered be at the mercy of the conqueror.


I'm bound by the laws of chivalry.


This is ridiculous.

No, my old friend.


Do not be afraid.

We have been through far worse, my friend.

Sancho, come heel, make a stirrup.

My lance, Sancho.


Don't do this.

You can get seriously hurt.

Thank you, my loyal-- my loyal squire.

I entrust my heart to my Lady Dulcinea.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.


What are the rules about squires?

Like what's the deal if you get killed?


I'll have you, knight!

What about me? Wait.

You're a coward.

You sniveling, chicken-livered, peasant!

So self-centered-- me, me, me, me.

Stop, Rocinante!




Oh, oh.

He's not dead.

He's not fucking dead. Ahh!

He's not dead. No.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don. Don.

Yield, sir knight, or field the sword of Don Quixote de la Mancha rammed up to your teeth.

Don, Don, Don, Don. Stop him!


They're going to kill him.

Stop it. Yield!


All right. I yield.

I yield.

That's good.

You promise to pay homage to my Lady Dulcinea?

I promise.

You promise to tell her of my courage?

I promise. Of my bravery?

I promise.

Of-- of my love?


Yeah, I swear.

I swear on my blood, I promise.


Raul Fernandez? Yeah.

It's me.

I-- I--

I-- my friends.

Uh, wha-- what are you doing here?


Why aren't you at home in the village?

Ah, ah, ah-- what's happening?

Keep away!

Enchantments, spells.

I won't go back.

You can't blind me with your mirrors.

Please, come home.


Keep away!

You are the one who make him crazy.

Shit. What did I do?

You see what a dangerous child you've created?

Javier, come back!

We have to act out his fantasies to bring him home before he causes more damages, and now we lost him.

Well, he's my ride.

So what do you think I feel?

You and your film destroyed good people!

Destroyed my beautiful daughter.

Sancho, what's happening?

They taking you up to your village.

You'll be safe there.


I will die there.

Help me, Sancho.

Sorry. I can't.


Oh, corte.


What are you doing, Angelica?

Get out of the shot.

What am I going to do with you?

OK, fine.

Put light around her eyes.

Ready? Mm-hmm.





Good. Very nice.

Good attitude.

Film ran out.

Film ran out!


Very nice.


Oh, oh, oh.

Are you going to rescue me, Toby?

Are you going to make everything all right?





Fuck me!

Where is everybody?

Did the old man come back?

Habla Inglés?


Who the fuck wrote this ending?

Can someone please tell me what I did to deserve this?

At least I'll have died rich.

I shall saw myself in half with teeth of wild boars.


I shall crush mountains.



I shall throw myself naked from the highest cliff.



I shall tear down trees with my bare teeth.


I shall crush mountains with my fists.

What the hell are you doing?

My penance.

I have not done enough to show how immeasurable my love for Dulcinea can be.


I shall go crazy for love.

Oh, oh, ahh!


Don't be ridiculous.

Not so tight, please.


You don't understand, Sancho, do you, huh?


If she can see how crazed I can be without a cause, think how crazed that she will imagine I can be with one.

Run that past me again.

Oh, Sancho.

Sancho, you must go to her.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.


This is insane.


Are you sure?


You're not just trying to please me?


And you're not trying to worm your way back into my service?


Jesus fucking Christ, you are fucking gone.

Doolally! Fucked up and fucking crackers.

Oh, Sancho.


Oh, Sancho, Sancho.

Thank you so much, man.

Oh, Sancho.

What if your friends were who they said they were?


The enchanters have got their talons into you, hmm?

Never doubt, Sancho.

That's what they want you to do.

We must always believe in ourselves, ahh, whatever the cost.

It is our story, Sancho, not some pretend--

Sancho, my son.

Great fortune smiles on us.

Behold, I am rewarded for my penance.

My fair lady has forgiven me.

Go to her, Sancho.

Tell her that Don Quixote de la Mancha, her knight of the mournful countenance, humbly awaits her command.

Wait. How am I supposed to say that?

Have you learned nothing at my side, hmm?

Uh, hello there.

Your highness, fair-- fair-- fair huntress, lofty majesty, my master-- my master begged me--

Lady Dulcinea, my master begged me--



It is you. Jacqui?

Ah, ah. No, no.

Stop, stop. That's all right.

I'm pulling you back up. It's OK.

He works for us.

It's OK.

Where have you been?

We've been very worried about you.

You look terrible.

I'm in trouble.

Yeah, we heard.

But don't worry about the police.

Alexei has the law by the balls around here.


Alexei Miisken, the Vodka account.

We're all staying with him.

Tonight's the Holy Week Festival.

And he's throwing a big costume party, lots of games.

You'll love it.

Come on.

Let's get you cleaned up.

Oh, uh, I'm not alone.


You found your star.


Yeah, I know.

Trouble is now he actually believes he's Don Quixote.


He's just what we need tonight, something truly authentic.

How sweet.

No, it's actually really sad.

He-- he really needs help.

Oh-- oh no.

Please don't go all sentimental on us now, Toby.

This is going to be fun.

I'm still very angry with you, you know?

You better be extra nice to me.


You do know that's not your Dulcinea, right?

What made you think she was.

I'm beginning to worry about you, Sancho.

You'd better behave.

Don't be nervous, Sancho.

This is our reward for all the pain we have endured.

Did I not say I would make you a king?

Welcome to you, Don Quixote, the flower and cream of knight-errantry.

Please be so kind as to accept our hospitality and grace our palace with your famed presence.

Sancho, heel.

What's the matter with it?

Sancho, get me down.


Remember your place.


Oh, Sancho!


Where the fuck have you been, Golden Boy?

You, get out of here.


I'm trying to clench this fucking deal.

The agency is on my back.

And I'm playing games in this Disney nightmare, full fucking drag, eating and drinking like I'm Elvis, humoring that Russian prick Alexei.

Yeah, you're going to meet him.

Try to keep up with the plot.

There's a plot?

He needs constant entertainment.

Think pure id, think toddler on a sugar rush, think fucking Trump.

Alexei, my prodigal director has returned from the wild, and your Tobias Grummett.

Mm, I have heard many things about you, Toby.

You are, how do you say, the creative stock buttocks?

He certainly is.

He would sell your market to the Muslims.

And the old man?

He's, uh-- he's a face that--

I just thought he would make a good Quixote.

And I see he's fond of you.

Oh yeah.

He's-- he's an old man with nothing better to do.

And you look after him. What?



Toby-- Toby, I see everything-- everything.

I envy you.

You met Angelica when-- when she was so young.


No, uh, it-- it wasn't like that.

Did I ask you anything, my sweet?

We were both very young.

It was um-- a-- a student film.

If you could call it that.

I mean, you can't call it--

--very much a student passion project.


A passion project.

And what part did Angelica play in this passion project of yours?

She was-- she was a girl.

A girl? Yeah.

Just a girl?

Yeah, that's it.

We never-- never gave her a name.


She has to be a movie star. Sure.

Oh, um, yeah.

I can't believe I'm saying-- this is not what it looks like.

This-- I understand how the context is-- looks-- looks, uh, bad.

But this was not--

I mean, she is wearing a bra, yes.

But what is in the picture is not what is actually happening.

I mean, it's happening, but it's not--

Stop talking.

Ugh. No.

Clean it up.

Clean it up.

Here, come here.

I'll do it.

Do it now.


Here-- in case you spill anything else.


What are you doing here?

Go away.

What do you want?

To rescue me?

Well, yeah.

From what?

From that Russian pig, from this, from this, all of this.

Yes, I see.

I see what you mean.

It is a little extravagant, far too beautiful.

But I'm getting used to it.

Toby, I am happy here.

I have everything you promised I would.

So you're just going to let him treat you like that?

He was reminding me who I belong to.

That's all.

Do you have the cojones to steal Alexei's property?


Didn't think so.

Fuck you.

Only Alexei does that.


Then how much? Huh?

What's you're going rate?

Is that enough?



What the fuck?

You naughty boy.

They're not real.

Are things real, Toby?

Come on, Toby.

Pull yourself together.

You're making me nervous.

Something has to be.

The Boss has put me in charge of tonight's entertainment.

Rupert. I had this peachy idea.

It's like kid of the one you used to have.

Rupert. You're going to love it.

Rupert. What is it?

I'm listening.

Would you mind just rubbing my back, please?

You know like you used to-- a little hard grain kneading-- kneaded to be worn down.

Hey, come on.

I think you'll feel a lot better once we get you dressed.

Come on.

Who do you want to play?

Oh, thank you.

I hope you like my humble home.

Oh, it's-- it's-- it's wonders.


I bought it two weeks ago.


I'm joking.

I was thinking painting it all in purple.

We Russians love purple.

Now, I really like your big adventures, Don Quixote.

You've read my exploits?

Of course.

The whole castle is reading them.


Take a seat.

I hope this little show of yours pleases me.

Hi, Toby.

Um, we need to talk.

Not now, Sarah.




Make some room for Sancho, my dear.

Alexei seems to be enjoying the old fart.

Well, good.

Is that the gypsy?

All a misunderstanding, Toby.

A lady is here in the hope of finding the brave and noble Don Quixote.

I am the lady Dolorida, Princess of Candaya.

I cast myself down before knighthood invincible.

Oh, please.


It is I who should be kneeling before you.

Please, dear sad lady, tell me your story.

Mine is an ancient Muslim family, who, when the Catholic monarchs expelled the Moors from Spain, fled to Morocco.

They were poor.

But as years passed, they grew rich.

And I-- I was raised in splendor.

I was exceedingly beautiful.

I-- I was desired by all men.

Then one day, a filthy beggar came to my palace, demanding my hand in marriage.


Commanding me to convert to Christianity.

Can you imagine?

My-- my ladies and I burst out laughing, enraged.

The pathetic creature's eyes burned fire.

And cursing us, he spat out his-- his name-- Malambrino.

Malambrino, the enchanter, my sworn enemy?

My skin was suddenly pricked by 1,000 needles.

And as I raised my hands to my face, I--

I found it--

I found it like this.

Oh my god!

Suicide bomber! Run!


Everything is under control.

Calm down.

I'm sure that Don can deal with this.



Dear lady, what must I do to release you from this abominable curse?


Oh, thank you.


I knew you would not fail us.


I don't--

I don't like this.

This must seem like heaven to a person such as yourself, huh?

Trust me.

I know these people.

How dare you suggest such a thing.

You will remain silent.

You do nothing without permission.

Let anyone who is brave enough mount this machine.

Don't do it.


Sit down!

With a cruel knight on his back, Cabalino flies through the air, so easily it is as if the devil himself is guiding it.

Dear lady, I am ready.

Where must I travel to release you from this evil curse?

To the moon and back.

Because of the extreme altitude, the rider must take care to cover his eyes.

Then I shall blind myself securely.


May God guide you, brave knight!

I can't see him anymore!

He's so high!

He's gone!

He's alive!

We must have reached the second layer of air, where hail and snow are born.

No, now it's thunder and lightning.

We have surely risen to the third layer.


In a moment, we shall reach the moon.

I can feel its cool aura.

Don Quixote de la Mancha, the moon welcomes you!

I recognize that voice--


Ah, yes, Malambrino.

What a surprise.

It seems you have succeeded, and so I must lift my curse.

You win this time, sad little man!

How dare you!

Surely, I am the first to have made this stupendous journey.

Just the first-- after me.

Then prepare to be eclipsed, and watch how I can fly, higher than you can ever dream of-- to the sun!

Yeah! Yeah!

Whoa. Whoa.

Cabalino, slow down.

Cabalino, slow down!

No, no, no, no, no.

Humor him.

I need to clinch this account.


It's too hot!


Whoa! Ahh!

Dear ladies, I am back.

You are free.

There is-- there is no need to thank me.


I think we just made the account.

You old fool!

What must they have thought of you?

I could only find black thread.

You think they'll notice?

Yeah. It'll be fine.

Next time, Sancho, make sure I listen to you.

I'll try.

Goodnight, sire.

Toby, I--

You've humiliated him.

You could have stopped it.

You didn't.

Isn't she wonderful?

So dramatic.

So Spanish.

I promised her a big part in the Vodka campaign, if we got it.

And we did!

What a team!

Come on, partner, give us a hug.

You see what they are doing here?

Gathering up all the things-- broken things, bad things-- tonight, we sacrifice the past year.

Everything will be destroyed in the flames, made clean again.


What the fuck are you doing?

It's not my fault. The valves are corroded.



Angelica, would you talk to me?

Oh, you like being kept like an animal?

Paid for?

Alexei's whore?

Oh, go ahead.

I probably deserve it.

He's going to kill us both.

We'll be gone before he knows.

Which one? There.

The one before the white horse.

Oh, shit!


Toby, come on.

Let's go.

I can't.

Come on, Don.

We're getting out of here.

A proper guest must be willing to repay his host.

No, no, no.

You are a knight-errant.

You rescue damsels, right?

Well, we have to now.


Leave me alone.

You told me to make you listen to me, right?

Well, we got to go.



Come on, man.

The enchanters are upon us.

I like it here.

No, you don't.

Everyone's happy here.

We have to go.

No, they're not.

It's what I dream of.


You're pathetic. Go!

Toby! Help!

Toby! Yaw!

Yaw! Yaw!






What did you think you were doing?

Oh! Shh.

You fucking prick.

Such sticky fingers.

Time someone took that girl in hand, huh?

Well, I can't help, Toby.

Got a company to run.

Lots of people depend on me.

You're sure in sad spirits, Sancho.

Crazed and in love.

I was proud of you.

But it's over.

It's time to go home.

What are you saying?

Sancho, look into my eyes.

There are no birds in last Autumn's nest.



No, get away from me.

Get away from me! Wait.







Where are you, you son of a bitch?

You piece of shit!



I can take you to her.

Get down.

Trust me.


Are you all right?

Got to make up for lost time.

I'll make you forget about that little bitch.


You better come.




Oh my god.


I'm The Boss's wife.


Kiss me!

Kiss me.

I'd send that little bitch straight to hell.

She's burning!

Shit! He's killing her!


Shit. Shit.

Shit. Dammit.

Every man for himself.

Oh, no, no. Ahh!




I'm here.

My name-- my name is Javier.

No, no, no, no.

Is Javier Sanchez, a shoemaker,

a forgotten old man.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't say that.

An interesting face, the kind they use to sell insurance.

Please. Please.


You, you--

I always knew you-- you were more than-- more than Sancho.

An accident.

Old men can trip so easily.

This is no more fun.

You go away.

Get out of my house.


No, Sarah.

Ah, whatever.

This is the one month they said it never rains.

Really buggers up the rest of the shoot, Tob.

You really do play too rough, my dear.

Not willing to let you go past.


Yeah, right now.

I could get behind it now.

Trust me.

Let's work together.


He said he couldn't die.

The village is not far now.

We're almost there.

We'll make sure they bury him in all his glory.

You can trust me.

Everything is going to be all right.

Everything's fine.

This is a marvelous day for adventure.


I feel it in my bones.

What's that?

Just thunder.

Something's coming.


Get out of here!

Leave this place!

Stay back!

You're in grave danger!



Toby, come back!

Prepare to meet your doom! Ahhh!





Eeyahh! Wah!

I entrust my heart and soul to you, my Dulcinea!

Die, foul being!





There you are, my loyal squire.

It's me.

It's Angelica.



Toby, I-- I'm not Sancho Panza.

Oh, you and your rustic pranks.

Some say I'm mad, that I only inhabit my dreams.

But then how is it I see you, Sancho?

It's Angelica.

Always doubting me.

Alexei's whore, remember?

I forgive you, Sancho.

No, no, no, no.

No, Toby.


Toby, ple-- please, it's me.

It's me.


Toby, I'm-- I'm here.

It's me.



It's me.

I'm Sancho-- Sancho Panza, your-- your loyal squire.


Sancho, this is the beginning of a very interesting and new relationship.

I was born by special will of heaven, in this age of Iram, to restore the lost age of chivalry.

I am the man for whom all dangers are expressly reserved and grand adventures and brave deeds also.

I am Don Quixote de la Mancha, and I will live forever.