The Man Who Knew Too Little (1997) Script

Thank you, sir. Next.

Good day, chap. Wallace Ritchie.

Passport, please.

Just flown over from America. I'm an American.

It's a new passport. It's not a very good picture.

I have a better picture. That won't be necessary, sir.

You've got a great accent. Are you from here?

What is the purpose of your visit to this country, sir?

Today is my birthday.

Happy birthday, sir.

Thank you.

My brother sent me money this year, so I thought I'd come over and surprise him.

He works in the Featherstone Finch bank. James Ritchie.

Do you know him?

Good evening.

Pleased to meet you.

Very good.

Yah!

How long will you be staying in this country?

That's a very good question.

Yes, I thought so too.

I'd like to see everything but not have people know I'm a tourist, you know?

Featherstone Finch believes that... one of our major strengths, if not our major strength, is our diversity... ls our diversification.

I want to see where the blitz was. I've seen the film and it's incredible.

Half a day. I want to try that meat pudding.

I want to take a double-decker bus.

Uh, half a day. Good night, Garrett.

I want to see the queen riding a horse. I want to get a suit made.

Okay. Three weeks.

Welcome to Great Britain, Mr. Ritchie.

Thanks very much. And it's Wallace.

David.

Which door is England? That one there.

Stupid cow.

Stupid cow.

Stand by. The client's in position.

Okay, look. He's nervous. He's nervous, so I want plenty of energy, please.

Be generous.

Stand by the phone, Des. Ahem.

And dial.

And curtain up.

You stupid cow! Please, mister, you've got to help me!

Give me the phone! Leave me alone!

I'm on the phone across the street! You can see me in the window!

You've got to help me! Who are you on the phone to?

None of your business.

Who are you talking to?

Look who it is. It's your favorite john.

Go on. Tell him he can't talk to you like that.

Come on, come on. Um...

What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?

Tell him to piss off. Look, this has gone quite far enough.

And? The way you're treating...

Des. Des...

What do you know about it?

It isn't the way a man should behave...

Otto.

What I'm saying is...

I don't like him! Don't push your luck!

He's got a black belt. Haven't you? Go on, tell him.

Yes. I've got a black belt in karate.

Oh yeah? Karate chop this, then!

What're you going to do now? Put the gun away!

Put the gun down!

Put it down or we'll have to take you in! Who called the police? Was it you?

No. No, no, no. Put the gun down!

Want to take me?

Do you? Stay there. You're going to have to catch me!

Otto!

Come on!

Second police unit. They just left the building and are heading towards you.

I will follow at a discreet distance. Stand by, man with dog.

Wow. Exciting stuff.

Tickets aren't cheap... but neither are the thrills in London's interactive theater experience:

The Theater of Life.

There are real streets, real rooms.

If you've got a sense of adventure, you can be a real star for a night.

You don't have to learn lines.

With help from your fellow actors, you improvise as you go.

Our major strength is diversification.

My God, that can't be them.

Consuela, the door, the door.

I ordered some more champagne. I better go.

Our major strength is diversity.

Our major strength is diversification.

We've got our fingers in many pies.

Sis. Let's have a hug.

Whoa! Look at you.

You're a sweet little pocket-rocket. What fun!

I thought he had an uptight English gal.

I'm Mrs. Ritchie. Can I help you?

You're Barbara?

I'm Mrs. Ritchie and this is our maid.

Is that champagne?

No, it's some shirts and socks and a few pairs of jeans.

Oh, my God!

I know this guy. Oh, whoa.

Wally. Ha-ha-ha. Hey.

Look at you!

Look at you. You're still the ugly brother, thank God.

Barbara, this is my brother, Wallace.

Hello. Pleased to meet you. Sorry to scare you.

What're you doing here?

Today's my birthday. I thought you might not remember... so I came over to get my presents here.

How lovely. Set another place for dinner.

Great idea.

No, no, bad idea.

Wally can't be here tonight.

Why? He seems very sweet.

He is sweet.

Yeah, but...?

He's not the kind of guy you drop into a boring business dinner.

With Wally, you need a sense of humor.

And we have Germans coming for dinner. Exactly.

Still, they might find him interesting, being in the film industry.

Oh.

It's not exactly the film industry.

It is and it isn't. It is.

I'm with Blockbuster in Des Moines.

So you're not a producer.

Not exactly.

Not at all, really. No way.

It's just something I say. We all say it.

It's something I say. A joke.

Right, then. We'll just get rid of you for the night.

No, we won't. Not tonight. It's his birthday.

Oh. Ha, ha.

Get rid of him how?

What would he like?

Drama or a musical?

He likes it all. He wanted to be an actor.

He got the lead in our high school play, but on opening night he...

I never thought anybody could forget so much so fast without a blow to the head.

Damn, then this won't work.

Theater of Life. It's on TV now.

One of those audience-participation things.

No, that sounds really embarrassing.

Pity. It's three and a half hours long.

It sounds really embarrassing.

This is London. This is theater land. This is the hottest ticket in town.

I won't have to go on stage, will I?

They call you, tell you who you are, where to go and help make up the rest.

There's nothing even to forget. Can I see the hat?

No? No.

I wish we could hang out. It's my birthday.

I tell you what.

I was saving these for the dinner party. Ambassadors.

The finest smokes you can buy. You and I will fire them up when you get back.

Havana.

Birthday cigars. That's them.

It's early.

I already laid out 117 pounds and 50.

What's that in real money? Pick up the phone.

Spenser.

They want Spenser.

That's your character name. Go on, say something back. Go on.

Hello. Number 6 Bishops Mews.

The back door is open. The girl is upstairs.

Radio contact only from now on.

And Spenser, this time... remember to flush. Out.

What'd they say?

Remember to flush.

They were supposed to give you an address.

6 Bishops Mews, England.

That's right around the corner. Come on. I'll drop you off. It's gonna be great.

Speak.

Help me! He's going to kill me! Give me that phone!

Who is this? I'm in the flat across the street!

You can see me in the window! Help me, please!

Liar! You stupid cow!

You lay one finger on me and I'm calling the police.

Call the police now, then! Go on!

Ah. Bang on cue, your favorite john.

Johnny, tell him he can't talk to you like that.

Tell him to go to hell.

Tell him anything you want.

Yeah, tell me anything you want! Come on!

Do you know what your problem is, apart from being a really ugly bastard?

Come on! You big pansy!

Give us your best shot, mouseballs!

Excuse me, are...?

Wally.

Hello.

Why have we stopped, people? Is there a problem?

Break a leg. Gotta go. Okay, later.

All right. Have fun.

Wait. What am I supposed to do when this is over?

I have no idea where I am. Take my phone.

When the show's over, around 11:30, no hurry, call me.

I'll pick you up and we'll smoke those Ambassadors by midnight.

Gotta be my birthday so 11:59, the latest. 11:59.

Knock them dead, big brother. There'll be bodies all over the place.

Have you got any spare change?

I don't have any of your money yet.

You sure about that?

No, I'm not. I'll give you what I have. I do have American money.

It's just as good. Here.

Um...

I'm sorry.

Nobody told me it already started.

All right, then, just go back to, uh, "Give me your money" or whatever the heck.

Give me the money or I'll cut you! Let me just do my line, first.

Please don't kill me. I'll give you all the money I got.

I'll give you everything. I got no jewelry.

I just got a couple of kids.

They're expecting me to come home tonight.

They don't want to see their daddy dead on the street somewhere.

I don't want to kill you.

I'm sorry. I was not prepared for any of this stuff.

Just give me the money!

One more.

It's getting so that decent people can't even go out on the street anymore... without scum like you trying to step on whatever's decent in this world.

But you know something?

Your type are just going to be the kind of crap... that sticks to the bottom of a good man's loafer.

I am stinking the place up. Take the wallet and let's go on to the next scene.

Come on.

Take the money.

You take it. He's a bloody nutter.

Come back with my wallet! Stop! Thieves!

I know how much is in there! I want it back after.

Herr Schuster and Frau Schuster.

My wife, Felicity, you know.

How do you do?

Wonderful to see you again.

Rupert Witherington, our chief overseas expert.

How do you do? His wife, Fiona.

Delighted. Sylvia.

How nice to meet you.

My darling daughter, Barbara.

So pleased you could come.

Pleased to meet you. My son-in-law, and our host:

James Ritchie.

Pleased to meet you too.

Mr. Ritchie. Yes?

Your brother's on the telephone.

Oh.

Wally? Please don't tell me it's over.

I just got mugged-

Two guys with knives took my wallet. I got nervous, they were so nervous.

I can't talk now. I can't talk either.

I got a scene with the girl.

Great. Do it with the girl and have a wonderful time.

See you later.

How you doing... man?

Gilbert...

I've made the martinis.

Be a good boy and bring them up to me.

Ugh.


Gilbert sent you, didn't he?

Yes, he did.

You American?

What are you? CIA? Mafia?

Both.

I wondered what death would look like. I didn't think he'd look like you.

Too scary?

You gonna bring me that martini or must I suck it from the glass from here?

No, I'll bring it over.

Do you think I look silly in this outfit?

I could take it off, if you'd like.

Ahem. No.

It's good silly.

And do I get a last request?

You mean like a cigarette or something?

I had something more substantial in mind.

A Cigar?

Now you're boasting.

Ow! I'm sorry. I am so sorry. Are you all right?

Oh. Oh, you were going for the gun.

I didn't mean to. Here.

Take it.

Take it. No.

I'm not playing that game, you sick bastard.

Did I break your nail?

If you're going to shoot me, just do it.

Just do it. Go on. Just bloody well do it.

Go on then.

If I really have to.

But if you do, you'll never find the letters.

Blackmailing a government minister can be very profitable.

You and I could be very, very rich.

So, no death scene.

What do we do now?

Here's our esteemed minister of defense.

Heh. Perfect. You should get rid of him.

But you and I, we have more to do together?

Sure.

What's your name?

Lorelei.

Call me Lori. What's yours?

Spenser.

Spenser what?

They just said Spenser.

Good luck, Mr. Spenser.

Thanks, Lorelei. Hurry back.

Looking for something?

Oh.

My, uh... My glasses. I was visiting a friend.

Who are you?

Spenser.

And I know who you are too.

Gilbert.

Then you better get out of here, fast, before I call the police.

Okay. Let's have a scene with the bobbies.

Let's get them all in here.

We'll tell them the whole thing.

What whole thing?

The whole plot thing.

What plot thing?

Uh, she told me about the letters.

Letters? What letters?

The letters.

She told me about them. I know all about the letters.

How do you think I know? She told me.

That's how I found out.

My God, Daggenhurst sent you, didn't he?

Maybe.

How do I know you are who you say you are?

Oh, yeah.

I got this.

Then, of course you are.

Dear God, I'll give you anything you want. Just name your price.

Okay. Um...

Twenty.

Twenty?

Fifty.

Fifty! Mm-hm.

I have to make a call.

Get away from that phone!

Whoa, that was loud.

How'd they do that?

Take this. It's all of it. It's all of it.

But I'm sorry. I will give you some more.

I'm sorry, I stepped out of the scene.

It was just a loud noise. I'll give you lots more.

I'm afraid of loud noises.

Come on, let's do it again. Let's take it from the top.

Hey.

You've done something with your hair.

Where's Gilbert? I heard a shot.

Gilbert's gone. Oh, no.

You cut it.

Look, when I said get rid of him, I didn't mean...

This is a very nice look for you. Thanks.

Why don't you look out the front and see if it's clear?

Sure.


Help!

Ow!


Spenser!

Pleased to meet you, girlie. Where are the letters?

Spenser! Spenser!

Coming!

Help me!

Yeah, I'm coming.

Door's locked. Kick it in!

It's, uh... It's solid.

It's not, uh... It's not balsa or anything.

Spenser, he's trying to kill me!

Okay. All right, all right.

Please hurry!

Spenser, what are you doing?

Here's Johnny!

Hurry.

Aah. What have we here?

Conveniently found a mallet outside, but I'm going to swap it for this one.

All right, punk.

I guess the question you got to ask yourself today is, "Do I feel lucky?"

Well, punk, do you?

Bye-bye.

Don't ever show your face on this mews again!

Come on. We've got to get out of here.

Come on.

Let's go. Go, go!

I thought I could get the letters and then some maniac called Spenser... who says he works for you, fired a pistol at me!

Listen, we are too close to let this fall apart.

Now, listen.

There is a loose cannon out there and I want him dealt with immediately.


Sir Roger. Just think, Hawkins.

This time next week, these lights will be flashing all across Russia.

This room will be alive again... with happy voices and the patter of little feet.

Voices from across Europe being monitored and decoded.

The feet of agents rushing in with urgent communiqu├ęs.

The new funding... new equipment.

New weapons, new poisons.

Happy days, Hawkins. Happy days.

Yes, Sir Roger.

Um, it seems there's a bit of a problem... with Spenser and the girl.

Problem?

Embleton tried to collect the letters, Spenser tried to shoot him.

Shoot him?

Embleton says he seemed a trifle unhinged.

But what about the girl?

This is totally unacceptable.

The zero hour is a mere... three hours and 12 minutes away.

It's not possible. With a mere... three hours, 11 minutes till zero hour?

Keep calm.

We'll send in the plumbers to flush Spenser.

I call in Boris from deep cover.

Boris Blavasky?

The maniac who decapitated poor old Ponsonby in Helsinki?

Boris the Butcher?

Phone for you, love.

Thank you, sweetie.


I know you, Sergei Nikolivich.

There's more to this than just dirty letters.

Why so gloomy? Is better than being butcher.

I like being butcher.

You know exactly who you are killing...

and why.

What impresses me most... during our visits to Germany are his people.

There's a warmth, a quiet charm. Everyone welcomes you with open arms.

You're sure you were in Germany?

Downtown Brussels.

Wally. Hello, everybody. Jimmy's brother.

Don't get up.

What happened?

Uh, we need a place to lie low for a while.

I thought this place would be safe.

Won't you introduce us to your friend?

Oh. Everybody... this is Lori.

She's the defense minister's call girl.

Bastard! Ow! Hey.

That really hurt.

I should've called her an actress, heh.

Ha. She's great.

Jimmy paid for the whole thing. I should go, I suppose.

Okay, bye.

We got these smutty letters we're going to blackmail some guy with. Heh.

Okay. Heh. Okay.

Later, huh?

See you. Ha, ha.

What line of work is your brother in?

He's in the movie business.

The movie business. Of course.

I'm sorry I was a little insensitive.

But, you know, I'm a hit man.

I'm only going to say this once.

I'm not a call girl.

I met Gilbert.

He liked giving me money. I needed it. So I let him, okay?

Was that a tear?

How do you people do it?

Do you poke yourself in the eye?

Or are you thinking right now:

"My dog is dead"?

What's the matter with you?

Are you enjoying this?

Enormously.

My dog is dead.

My dog is dead.


The letters are upstairs in the spare room. You go get them. I'll keep watch, okay?

Yeah, sure, pintsize.

Last time we split up, you locked the door... and got strangled. Let's go in together.

You don't trust me, do you?

Say it. Go on, say it.

I don't trust you?

Wait.

I don't trust you.

Are we all going to stay afterwards and clean up?

Whoa. I think Goldilocks wears Old Spice.

You should pay your light bill.

There's a lamp over there on the table.

Oh, God!

Gosh!

You got me. Did he get you?

You got both of us. I've never seen a dead body before.

I've seen lots, but this is...

Boo!

What're you doing?

You gotta check and see just how dead they are.

You can never be sure. Guy could be able to catch this!

I'm impressed.

You are so twisted.

I would think you'd be impressed by, uh, the kind of concentration that is being...

Oh, man!

I feel sick. Do you think you trust me to go to the loo?

The loo. Ha-ha-ha.

Off to the loo with you. Heh, heh.

I know you worked together... but if I find the letters before she does, it'd be a real hoot. How about a clue?

Do you know anything about this girl?

Is she going out with anybody in the cast?

Spenser? Are you there, Spenser?

Do that again.

Spenser? What's going on? Are you receiving me?

You jerk. You've got a radio.

Spenser, come in immediately. This is a 42-20.

Cool.

Hello. Spenser, here. Have no fear. What's your 20?

What's he talking about?

Why is he using that American accent? Cover.

Ask him if he's eliminated the girl.

Spenser. Did you take the girl to the bathroom?

No.

She went to the loo... by herself.

By herself?

Suicide.

Finally, a spot of luck.

Ask him if he has disposed of the body.

Spenser. Did you flush?

I think she's going to do that, don't you, pal?

I'll ask her. Lori!

He's talking to her.

She's still in the bowl?

Maybe he tried but she floated back up.

Tell him to flush her. Spenser knows how to deal with floaters.

Tell him to use the plunger or we're sunk.

Oh, no.

Listen here, you have to recycle the waste.

I don't know if we mentioned it, but there's a time limit on the operation.

I figure you got to tie up all your loose ends by...

11:30 at the latest.

Did you tell him? Of course not.

Spenser, how did you arrive at that hour specifically?

For one thing...

I know a couple of guys who are hoping to fire up some big Ambassadors at 11:59.

Disaster!

He knows every detail.

Keep him talking, sir. The plumbers will be there any minute.

I think I've screwed you guys completely up.

I'm way off the script.

I should've gone into the bathroom and flushed her and everything else.

I'm just gonna recycle her now, and we'll go from there, okay?

Spenser.

Come in. Over and out.

Lori.

Lori. We know you're out there.

So you've decided to recycle me after all.

I think it'll be a little bit easier, a lot less confusion for everyone.

Sure, right. Thank you. Over here, then.

All right, say cheese.

Let's find the letters.

Oh, my God, what have I done?

From three feet, I missed you.

I thought that was it.

We gotta get out of here. We do?

Oh, great.

Come on!

Very good news.

Excuse us.

Hold it.

What?

I'd just like to do one thing. I'll be right down.

I have a lot more appreciation for what you people go through.

Thanks. Nice working with you.

Oh. The letters.

You are the best. Thanks for making it fun.

Freeze! Don't move!

Hello?

Wait up, Lori!

The letters!

Watch the foot.

Mail call.

Look what I found.

You're not going to give them to me, are you?

Um, no.

For half a second there, I thought I saw a real human being.

Nobody asked me to be a human being.

Why don't we change it? Change it?

What were you going to do with these? I'll help you.

Why would you do that?

Because I'd much rather be a good guy.

You're not just acting?

Well, we both are.

In the Theater of Life, I mean.

I suppose we are.

You know, I'm helping you out, but...

I'm not a completely good guy.

There's something I want, and you're gonna have to let me do it.

It's like that, is it? I'm afraid so.

Typical man.

Oh, that feels good.

Thanks a lot. It was really kind of you to let me drive.

So partner. What are you going to do with your share of the money?

I'm going to get out of here, for a start.

Go to New York, buy a flat and I'm gonna study acting.

You don't need acting school. You're a natural.

Think so? Know so.

Other side!

He's good. Aah.

The stars are out tonight as statesmen and celebrities roll up... to celebrate the signing of the Midnight Peace Accord... by the leaders of Russia and Great Britain.

After many months of shuttle diplomacy and behind-the-scenes negotiations...

Listen, Sergei, you said, "Kill Spenser, kill girl and get letters."

You said nothing about American Superman.

Daggenhurst here.

You did not tell me about American agent!

Say again. Don't play with me!

If we cannot trust each other, how can we bring back Cold War together?

Now, listen here, comrade. I know nothing about any American agent.

If you're afraid your pinpoint bomb can't take out that top table... at least tell me.

Russian explosive is perfect!

Will destroy everything in five-meter circle and nothing outside!

Maybe you do not trust made-in-Britain timing mechanism!

If your chap, Boris, has botched the job, I'm sure that my...

What is it?

The plumbers say an American killed Spenser... kidnapped the girl, grabbed the letters and got away.

Doesn't that just bite it?

Hello, Sergei, I think we may have a bit of a problem.

Police. Quick. Turn the lights on.

They're on. License?

Relax, the van is kosher.

Wait a minute. Are those real cops? Ha-ha-ha.

Good point. It could be Gilbert's men.

We gotta lose them. Move it!

I'd love to.

We got a right one here now.

Follow him. Keep following.

Who's going to stop here?

Sorry, coming through.

I follow.

Follow, no follow, you cretin! This van is rubbish!

It's not the van! This man is good! He's very good!

Oh, man, they give you a real car chase. You get to smash their stuff.

You guys can't be making a dime on this.

Come and get me, coppers!

What's he on?

Ha-ha-ha. This is great.

Here comes trouble.

Don't exhale.

Want me to call for backup or what?

For a bloody Mini? You must be joking.

All my life I've wanted to do this.

I've always wanted to do that.

Yeah. Me too.

That's gonna cost him. We're losing them.

Oops! Sorry. Force of habit. Heh.

Absolutely bloody brilliant.

Spenser, stop.

Come on.

Spenser, stop it.

I feel sick.

Sod this. Hang on, Bill. Clench your buttocks.

Where'd they go?

That was fun. Ha, ha.

Tomorrow night, I wanna go, um, this way.

I don't think it's fair for these guys. They can't possibly stay with me... going right to left.

Ooh. I like mine. Ha-ha-ha.

I think I saw his face in a dream someplace.

Would you mind stepping out of the car, please, sir?

You want to tell me what you think you were doing?

Back in the straightaway...

95.

I could've gone faster, but I'd have lost you.

You too, young lady.

I hope you two are secure in your work... because my husband's on urgent government business.

Really?

You'd better stop staring at my legs, too, otherwise he's gonna get really jealous.

Can I see your driving license, sir?

No, you may not!

The guys in the first scene have already taken it.

I'll show you my two-way radio... with which you may communicate directly with my superiors.

Breaker, breaker. Coming out there for that old H.Q. Come on back.

Very funny, sir.

Mind if I have myself a cigarette while I wait for Scotty to beam me up?

Knock yourself out.

Yes, come in. We're receiving you.

Go ahead and say hi.

Uh...

Hello? Who is this?

Police Constable Cochrane from Shepherd's Bush.

What are you doing using one of our communicators?

Uh, this gentleman refused to show me any identification.

Of course he didn't show you any identification. He's a secret agent.

Put me on to him at once.

Heh. I'm sorry, sir.

It's all right. You're just doing your job. I'm proud of you.

This is Spense.

So you're still calling yourself that, are you?

I think I just might, until 11:30.

How he mocks us.

What do you want?

Would you, uh, excuse me one second?

Uh, of course.

May I step out of character for just one minute?

I wish you would.

I think the reason my brother got me into this was to impress the Germans.

And if it ends here with the police...

I don't think he's gonna be happy.

But I think we can offer you a more rewarding scenario...

...than the police could provide. Great.

Fabulous.

Would you give us a moment to confer?

How much left in the slush fund?

A million and a half.

And Sergei's? The same. If we arrange a meeting...

They're fixing it.

Oh, great.

Great handcuffs. The ones I've got have a chain in the middle.

Yeah, the old ones. I love these.

So what's the pay like, then?

They pay all your expenses.

You're licensed to kill.

But there's a downside.

What's that?

Torture.

Mm.

There's the women, though.

They're nice after the torture. Believe me.

Not much of a car they give you.

It's a piece of crap.

I got an Aston Martin. Oh.

Had trouble with the surface-to-air missiles.

It's in the shop.

This will not be easy.

The man has... connections.

Come in, Spenser.

This is Spenser.

We'll give you three million in unmarked bills for the letters.

Three million. Yes!

I guess we'll take it.

Be in the lobby of the Grand Plaza London... in 20 minutes.

Keep it coming.

Do you mind? Thank you, bloke.

You get a load of this?

What's that?

Uh, for allergies.

Actually... it's a powerful agent... that sharpens my senses, yet deadens my emotions.

I could do with some of that, sometimes.

What about our story?

Are we just a doomed couple?

We have to be Bonnie and Clyde?

Can't it be like The Getaway?

Couldn't it be like that?

Could be.

You're acting.

I'm not acting.

Are you?

Honestly...

I can't act. Heh.

But I can do action.


We at Featherstone Finch believe our major strength... is diversity.

Leave it, the machine will get it. And diversity...

I just kissed the girl I was with earlier.

She's got lips like your sofa.

Talk about big-car comfort. Wow. And it wasn't just a "kiss" kiss.

The past five years have seen astonishing worldwide growth... with sexports... exports increased by 700 percent.

I want to do this every single day I'm here.

Either that was her tongue or she's got three lips.

Hold it, Wally.

A truly remarkable record. If you'll excuse me for just one minute.

Wally. What's the problem?

Uh, it's not a problem, but you know those Ambassadors?

Do you think we could... smoke them over here where I am... at the Grand Plaza London?

Because it's already 10:30 and I really would like to smoke them on my day.

I can't. Think maybe we could have those smokes tomorrow night?

I say, old chap, do have time?

Yes, 10:30.

Matey, you just stabbed me with your pen.

Daddy... can I please borrow the keys to the station wagon?

Wally? Wally?

Hello, Theater of Life.

This is Mr. Ritchie. My brother is doing your show.

Wait there, sir.

It's Ritchie.

Trace this call. I want to ask...

We want to question him in connection with a murder.

And the call girl too. I know, I paid for it.

Mr. Ritchie, this is Chief Inspector Cockburn.

So now you're the chief. Listen, chief. Please step out of character for a minute.

You don't realize the seriousness of the situation.

Is this an actor now or a human being?

Neither, sir. I'm a policeman.

Okay. Fine, Mr. Policeman...

I need to buy more time and I'll pay you handsomely for it.

Are you attempting to bribe an officer?

Do you torture everybody like this, or just Americans?

Look, Mr. Shakespeare, yes, yes, I want to bribe you.

Is the prime minister there? I'll bribe him!

Anybody who will talk to me! You invented the language, talk to me!

No wonder you lost the empire! You know what? Scotland's next!

Yes or no?

Yes or no, you socialist, artsy-fartsy little dweeb.

Mr. Ritchie, sir... Okay, fine.

You won't help us, it's not a problem.

We'll do something else. Thank you.

American.

Charlie... it's just a hunch, but I think we might be dealing with... some sort of right-wing extremist what-have-you.

Did you trace that call?

I'm an actor. Right.

Did you trace that call? Yes, sir.

40 Overbridge Square.

Right. Charlie.

Call out the Armed Response Unit. I want this thing crushed, right now.

Thanks. These actors don't know when to stop.

No, Mr. Ritchie.

The theater community at large are asking:

What went wrong with the Theater of Life tonight?

The police are anxious to interview a Mr. Wallace Ritchie... an American, dark, about six foot... and believed to be armed and extremely dangerous.

Ah, there you are, James. Ah, there you are, finally.

Yes, indeed. Before we continue, I'm going to... pop down to the cellar.

There's a nice bottle of port. We've already got one.

True. But it's very dark there and it might take me a few minutes.

But I'll be back with the port.

And the car keys.

Oh, dear.

Who's wearing Old Spice?

Shut up. I found letters.

But no identification.

Of course not, idiot. He's a professional.

Everybody wants to check minibar. Go away!

It's the plumbers!

Those sons of bitches blew up my Nikita in '79.

Nikita was vicious...

Forget about your dog. Open the door.

Easy for you to say. He's my dog, not your dog.

Come on.

Let go of me.

Hi. Get off me!

Hi. I thought you were staying in the car.

This is busier than my butcher shop! Go away!

Sergei Nikolivich. Open up.

Oh. Heh, don't shoot. Ha-ha-ha.

Good to see you.

Here we have our man, in the flesh.

How am I supposed to do my work?

Stop complaining. Give me the letters. Quick.

So this is him, in the flesh.

Where are the letters?

Spenser, do something. Those are my letters. Bastards!

Come, Sir Roger. We are overdue for banqueting room.

Splendid.

I think... we begin with soft tissue.

Mr. Prime Minister...

Mr. President... distinguished guests... my lords, ladies and gentlemen... it's my duty and privilege to welcome you this evening.

Before that historic moment at midnight... when the peace accord is signed between our two countries... we shall be treated to... music and dance that seek to embody the souls... of these two great nations.

Boris.

Before torture, we try truth serum? Yes? Please.

Okay.

Are you a member of our Frequent Renters' Club?

We would like to be.

We have a two-night rental policy.

If the tape stays out longer than that, you're not charged the extra $1.50.

What is your real name?

Wallace Ritchie.

Who is paying for all this?

My brother Jimmy. He's, uh... trying to impress the Germans so he gave me this for my birthday.

Happy birthday. Happy birthday.

Thank you.

Who you are working for?

Blockbuster Video, Des Moines, Iowa.

Who you are working for?

Blockbuster Video, Des Moines, Iowa.

Damn.

They trained him so well.

Give him the antidote. I do it old-fashioned way. I beat it out of him.

Oops. This real pen. Heh.

Idiot.

I have antidote here.

That is so refreshing.

May I have one of those when we're finished?

Who else knows about these letters, Mr. Ritchie?

Oh. Please don't call me by my real name. It destroys the reality I'm creating.

Who are the goddamn Germans?

Time out.

Uh, I hate to break out of character, uh, but... you cannot shout into a person's ear.

It does damage.

You know, the spitting I don't mind.

Boris, it's so big.

Boris. Please. Boris.

Please. Not like Ponsonby in Helsinki.

Is fun for you, but we have to clean up after. Please.

Yes. We do have to do cleanup after?

Always. You're right.

Sometimes it's foolish to be so brave.

You leave us no alternative.

I will call Dr. Ludmilla Kropotkin.

She will take care of you. The evil lady torturer? Ha, ha.

Bring her in here!

Even perhaps you are not brave enough for taste of her medicine.

I'm not ticklish.

Get the rubber sheets. Yes, boss.

And watch that man.

Yes, boss.


Hey.

How come you not sniff on his turn?

Boris' Old Spice is lingering.

Eeh. Do you think we could open up the window a little bit?

Hey, vodka... be a guy.

See that nasal spray?

Could you pass me over a couple of snoots worth, please?

Is poison maybe.

Ah, good. Give him. Maybe we'll finish game.

I'm going to need one on each side.

Tilt. Let me tilt.

It's not sealed on right.

Deeper.

Wait, stop. Stop.

Stop. Can you back it out a little?

Can you back...?

No, don't do that. Stop. It's stuck.

Don't push it in. Stop it. Don't push it in. Wait.

Gah! No.

Now it's too far in.

You squeeze it.

Wait, wait.

Squeeze it.

Aah! Ugh.

Mm. Better.

Fabulous. Fabulous.

You're clumsy. Heh, heh.

What're you doing? Don't joke.

Great, great spill.

I still need my stuff though.

You stay, I'll get it.

Come on.

Now really.

I know you do this every night and it can get boring, but you gotta give 100 percent.

Now I've got to figure out how to escape.

I'm going to show you what 100 percent looks like.

I'm right there.

Where's that big paw of yours?

Lori, am I good, or am I good?

He's done it again.

My God, you're good.

Thank you.

Gonna untie me? Oh, yeah.

Ah. Sorry.

Hurry, before they come back.

Dr. Ludmilla... we're ready for you now.

Why do you always go out the window?

It's more dramatic, I guess.

It's kind of a Starsky and Hutch thing, isn't it?

Where's our special scarves?

Whoa! Aah!

Stop joking.

I risked my life. I waited for you. I didn't have to.

Why did you tonight?

Don't make me say it now.

What about the money?

We can't just rewrite the whole script, can we?

Can't we?

Is the money so important?

Oh. Without the money, what the heck we got going on?

Less than I thought, obviously.

Bye.

Albert, if you don't say it, it won't work. What are you?

I'm a very naughty boy.

Good. Oh!

What are you? I'm a very naughty boy.

Sorry.

Don't mind me.

If you hold it a bit lower down, you get more of a flick.

Thank you.

What are you?

A very naughty boy. Oh! Oh!

If Featherstone Finch... were to move 40 million of assets to, uh...

Tonga...

Get your heads down!

Get your hands up!

Look at the bloody floor. Get your hands behind your back!

Look at the floor. Where's Mr. Ritchie?

Where's Mr. Ritchie?

Where's Mr. Ritchie?

Mr. Ritchie, he go for port. Which port?

I think she means... Shut up, you! Which port?

He go for port in his car.

Control.

Green 1. Suspect Ritchie heading for unspecified port. Over.

Control to Special Branch.

I want an all-ports alert, effective immediately. Close all ports.

Jimmy! Jimmy, up!

Wally? Up high!

I'm the only one standing on a ledge! Jimmy!

Oh, my God. I'm stuck!

Don't move! I won't! I can't!

I'm coming, Wally.

I'm... All right.

Aah!

Oh, no. Ugh.

Come on, damn it. They're gone.

Here. Come here.

Ugh.

Hold me. Okay.

We'll try from other side.

Stop!

What happened? He went out the window.

You have beans!

He jumped us. He's not human.

Neither am I.

Get him! Yes, boss.

A nasty, wicked boy.

Jimmy. Jimmy.

We get him from downstairs.

Wally.

Wally.

Jimmy.

Where are you?

I'm here on the ledge.

What's going on, Wally?

Jimmy, my... My leading lady came out on the ledge, and I think I broke her heart.

And... So I followed her.

She came out here and she went down to this next room.

There's a hallway. We can walk.

Yeah. Not very theatrical, though.

I'm so sorry. This isn't theater.

It's all right. You don't get it. It's experimental.

This is serious.

It's very raw, very...

No, no, no, no. It's real. It's so real.

Freeze!

Turn around! Put your hands in the air! Get them up!

Heh. I'm glad you came. I think you're gonna like it.

You missed!

You missed again! Heh.

Not by much, though!

Ow! Cut! Hold it! Hold it. Time out.

Time out!

I got something in my eye, jag-off!

Stop it! Oh, God!

Guys! Let's not forget my safety!

Oh! Aah!

Aah! I'm flying!

Oh, God, I'm gonna die.

I guess I got the drop on Dr. Ludmilla Kropotkin.

Get that thing away from that little boy's butt! Drop it!

You all right, son? Yes, thanks.

For him, hour after hour I just wait. Of course, he...

Yeah. I would like Lori's three million pounds, please, or...

Dr. Ludmilla Kropotkin will die.

But I am Dr. Ludmilla Kropotkin.

Keep back. He's dangerous. He might have bomb.

Okay. Plan B, then.

Lobby, please.

I'll just get her letters for her, then, huh?

Don't worry, even he cannot penetrate ballroom for letters.

Help! I'm being abducted. You've got to...

Oh, you're together.

He's the brother. Good. Take him to bowels of hotel.

I go after the brother.

One false move and the doctor will get a taste of her own medicine.

Relax, we're actors.

Oh, please, I'm not a doctor. I'm a manicurist.

It's our anniversary.

Yeah, I'd like to believe that... Heh, heh.

From one of the most dangerous women in the world.

I suppose you were involved with that business in Helsinki with Ponsonby. Huh?

Did you get your kicks, doctor? Huh?

We were just having a little fun.

Yeah. You had your fun.

And he got his head sent home in a freezer bag.

The key is really to listen... to feel it, and then...

...respond as if it were really happening. Right.

You can do it. Break a leg.

Help, please! She's a killer!

Please. She's dead.

What's wrong?

It's our anniversary.

We are kidding. We are only acting.

What? Just acting. Ha-ha-ha.

Oy, hold it right there.

You can't go without a security pass. Russian Secret Service.

I need to see your pass.

Happy now?


Excuse me! Excuse me! Hello, hello. Uh, no pass, no entry, I'm afraid.

I'm looking for a tall American.

Aren't we all, dear. But we've got a show to put on, in case you didn't notice.

Thank you.

You can wait outside.

Can we have all these swans together? Thank you.

And you'd be Mr. Nikolai, I presume.

Would you get into the rest of the costume?

I'm not supposed to be in costume.

We are performing tonight, aren't we? Yeah...

Then get with it! You go before the public in two minutes.

I'm not ready for that. My brother said I wouldn't have...

Spare me the prima donna act.

It's really not the time.

Nikolai's come in from the cold, everyone. On stage, please.

We know you and your German friends are financing whole operation.

Your brother told us.

I'm a banker. I'm mortgaged to the hilt. I can't finance anything.

The longer you keep me here, the less I'm worth.

Let's have a little fun with electricity, shall we?

Oh! Ooh.

My lords, ladies and gentlemen... the dancers from Russia will perform a dance... symbolizing man's growth from infancy to adulthood.


Good God!

Eh!

Where's Lori's letters?


Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Hey. Hey, wait.

No. May I?


Lori wants her letters back.

Boris, come quickly.

Okay, I bring dart gun. Then it's curtains for Spenser.


Hey!

Hey-yo! Hey!

Whoa!

Hey!

Spineless little shit.

Ugh. I'm very late.

I lost my ticket, but I'm a friend of the minister of defense.

Really? And my mom knows the queen of Sheba.

Gilbert.

Oh.

Hello. Hello.

Uh... Ahem.

Maybe we should get out while we can. Perhaps he could bring money.

Here, get Rasputin's money now.

Oh.

Psst.


How can we tell which doll is which?

Only he can.

That's his plan.

He's open!

Mm.

Let's get out of here.

Where're you guys going? Heh.

Heh. Here comes Hawkins with your money, now.

Great. I wish my brother could be here. He's missing everything.

Here's the stuff.

You idiot, go and get the brother, now!

Please don't go anywhere. I want to talk to you both after the show.

Oh, my God.

Stop! Don't torture him, or his brother will kill us all!


Whoa.


The man is a god.

I finish this man to man.

Aah!

He has disabled bomb.

Hold it right there, you two.

What did you think of the show?

Here's the cash. You can count it all now.

Thank you very much.

Two bags worth. Whoa!

Heh, heh. Whoa!

Where's Lori? Do you know if she saw the show?

I got her money. She'll like that.

Love the hat. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Can you keep a secret? I'm taking this souvenir of my day.

This has been a total hoot. Hey!

I'm afraid he's a little groggy, but he's fine.

Heh, heh. Wally.

Welcome back, stranger.

Here, take a load off.

Can I get you some tea? Please.

One lump or two?

No lumps.

What have you been doing?

I was tortured.

Great. Did they make it fun? What?

You know what they're signing?

The death knell of our dreams.

We'll have to settle for half.

Ready?

Ready.

Did you see what I did?

In front of all these people, I had a solo.

I had the entire crowd eating out of my hand.

Is that what you were wearing?

Maybe they made a tape.

I'm so proud of you.

I want to be just like you, Wally.

When I was back in that room, I thought I was going to die.

My life passed before my eyes and I realized I cared about the wrong things.

I've cared about money and success and getting to the top.

Prestige and...

At the end of the day...

There's a big guy standing behind you.

Yeah, well... maybe you'll feel better if you could see this tape.

Really behind me? Heh.

You're everywhere.

This one is for you... buddy.

Bang. Ha, ha.

Is joke.

Look.

"From KGB to Boris... fastest gun in the east."

But there can only be one fastest gun.

And now, it's you.

I salute you.

Doreen and me, we go open butcher shop. But you will always be my brother.

Oh, look!

What? What's the matter?

There's nothing in here but silly money.

What were you looking for?

I lost my souvenir doll. Heh.

You really don't care about money at all, do you?

It's not real.

The doll was beautiful.

How's this for a souvenir?

Roger, you don't suppose maybe doll...?

Don't be daft. This is the one he picked for himself.

Ah. Terrible-looking thing. Her stomach looks like her ass.

Is her ass, you idiot. Give it to me.

There.

That was like an explosion.

Want to try it again? Yes.

Do you have insurance?

Did you see this? We were right there.

We could've been killed.

It says this mystery guy... was equal parts brilliant cunning and sheer testosterone.

They were right about the second part.

Time out.

All right, Venkman.

Now.

Compliments of the house.

Oh, my gosh.

You people are so nice.

Uh...

Do you eat the flower?

I'm sorry. In the nose too.

That's the worst. Here, get a towel. Ugh.

Ooh. Oh.

Did that make contact? Ugh.

Oh, my gosh!

Oh. Uh...

Gesundheit myself.

You okay? Yeah, just another Old Spice guy.

Impressive performance, Mr. Spenser.

Sorry about the test, but we did have to be sure.

Only one candidate in a thousand even detects Amazonian frog toxin... much less incapacitates the messenger.

And it's rare that we even approach a candidate... until we've auditioned him for 12 or 18 months, but the other night...

We witnessed the birth of a superstar.

We'd like you to join the team.

You want me to be a part of the company?

I don't know what to say. This is all happening kind of fast.

Just tell us your demands, please.

What do I do?

They think you're a superstar.

I think they expect you to act like one.

I would like fresh flowers in my room. Rare tropical flowers... that smell good.

And ice in my dressing room... which should be a palace and so should Lori's be a palace.

And I want a dressing room for my pet bloodhound too.

And a poodle.

And Lori's poodle. They can bunk in together.

But there better be fresh flowers in there! And ice!

Whatever. Just so long as you produce the hits.

I'll do six a week. Six?

Five.

Mm-mm. No, not six. Five.

But one of them will be for free.

I want to do kids or old people one day a week.

And I want a StairMaster.

I want a JuiceMaster.

I want a ThighMaster and I want a ButtMaster.

If you can't give it to me, I'm going back to Des Moines.

Just don't hurt the help.

It's whatever you want.

I want this guy. He's fantastic. I love working with him.

I hope I've passed your audition. Thank you for asking.

Let's get creative.

I'm thinking for our opening season, Lori... as Juliet.

Shakespeare in the Sand!

You've got casting approval, okay? For your lead.

Joan of Arc for our action people.

I set you afire.

You behead him, right?

Experimental.

Cats.

Wait a second! With people.

People as cats. Let's workshop.

Uh, you're both cats.

You're my big cat. I've got a giant cat. Get down.

Creative producer. Thank you. You're the dog.

We've got a dog and a cat, but they hate each other.

Chase, chase.

Go, go! Arf, arf, arf. Cat, go, kitty, go!

Lori and I are the husband and wife. We have this cat and this dog.

We love each of them, but they hate each other.

So you're the bad cat. The only thing we can do is...

Cut it out! Bad kitty! Bad cat!