The Money Pit (1986) Script

I do.

I do.


You've made me very happy, my dear.

I am happy too.

I wish only that your son would have come to our wedding.

My son has problems.

How can he have problems with a father like you?

He has problems because he has a father like me.

"Dear Walter, wedding snap of me and your new mom.

We won't be coming to New York for the 2.9 million reasons... you are more than aware of. Love, Dad.

P.S.: Give my best to the Cheap Girls. They were my favorite."

Very pretty, your new mom. We used to be a respectable law firm.

Now look at him. Looks happy to me.

He steals the money, I get the bills. Dad, why did you do this to me?

Well, I can see why. Good night, Walter.


"New mom." How old is that girl? Good morning, Walter.

Don't they have any laws in Brazil? Don't they have any police?

Don't be so conventional.

I'm a conventional kind of guy.

That's all I ever wanted to be, just conventional.

A little house in the suburbs, a white picket fence... maybe a dog, 2.4 kids... and just to round it out... a wife. Will you marry me?

Walter...

My darling...

I love you very much.

But why do we need a piece of paper from the state of New York?

One bad experience, that's all. You just had one bad experience.

Just give me a little more time.

Okay.

But I can't live this life of shame much longer.

You're gonna have to make an honest man of me.

I like the kissing part.

Did you hear that? What?

Somebody just came in our front door.

Be careful, Walter.

Oh, my God! You're still here?

Boat has docked. He's here, you're out.

Who the hell are you?

Maestro is back!

I thought he wasn't coming back until next week.

You know Maestro. He surprise you.

What are you talking about? Who is this guy?

I thought I had a year. You did, but year has come and gone.

What you do? You stayed in bed all the time? Didn't look for apartment?

I... did. There are no apartments.

Yeah, right!

Who are we talking about? Who is this guy? Who are you?

I'm talking to him, he won't answer me. When is he coming here?

Oh, maybe a minute, maybe an hour. But he will come.

It's him you're talking about, isn't it? The lunatic is back.

Yes!

I thought he was in Europe.

He was, and now he's back, and you're out!

Oh. All right. I'm sorry. Look, guys... why don't I talk to him.

Maybe we can live here all together.

Wait. Wait. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You're not lookin' at a charity case here.

If this is his apartment, we'll get out.

It's no problem. Could you just give us a few minutes alone?

Sure, I understand. Have a nice day.

What are we gonna do?

This is New York City. It takes months to find a place... even if you're rich. And we're broke!

We're doomed, homeless, penniless. Doomed.

I'm sorry, Walter. No, no, no. It's not your fault.

We both knew he was coming back.

It's just that we've been so happy lately.

Jack can help us.

Isn't Jack in jail?

No. No, he got off with a small fine.

Jack's a perfectly legitimate real estate agent.

Well, as long as we're together... nothing bad can happen.

Good morning, Realty Office. Oh, here's a beautiful place.

It's only an eight-hour commute to New York City. You don't get in more than once a week, do you?

I'll even go to SoHo. I looked at a loft there a few years ago.

It was $350 a month. It's probably gone up, but...

SoHo, 350 a month. Let's see, Eisenhower was president, right?

I'm worried, Jack. I'm very worried.

Listen, Walter, I gotta take a call.

Meet me at the jogging track at 1:00. You won't recognize me. I'm so thin!

Where have you been? You're almost late.

Martha, in this country we have an expression for almost late.

It's called "on time."

You don't seem nervous. I'm not.

She's not nervous. I'm nervous!

You're hysterical. How is Walter taking it?

Taking what? There's nothing to take.

Here he comes!

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

It's a great pleasure to be back with you again.

I'm sure you feel the same.

When I left, you were the finest orchestra in the world.

God knows what a season under the heavy hand... of my esteemed colleague has wrought.

Let us assess the damage... with the Haydn, from the beginning.


Jimmy!

Watch it! Watch it!

Jimmy!

Walter, big guy! Big "W." What's shakin'?

I've got some papers! The band has to sign these!

What is it? Well, it's the Roy Rogers restaurants... we bought into, and I sold off the Tucson property.

This is their share, and this is mine.

Now, I figure that cancels out half my father's debt... but check your records, make sure we agree.

Walter, what are you payin' them back for?

They're used to people stealin' from 'em. This is only gonna confuse 'em.

They've got too much money now as it is.

Jimmy, you're their manager. Why are you telling me this?

Because I like you better than I like them. But they're your sister and your brothers!

The union forces me to allow you to go to lunch... in spite of the way you've played.

Those of you with consciences will not be able to eat.

And those of you whose consciences match your talents... go stuff yourselves.

I hope you choke.

Jog with me, Wally. I don't wanna break my rhythm.

How long have you been doing this, Jack? Oh, six months. It's great.

Next month I'm gonna run in a 1-K.

Would you believe it? Before I started this, I couldn't fit into these clothes.

I feel better. I look better. I sweat better.

So you called my office. Do you have some good news for me?

Good news? When you hear what I got for you, just remember:

This is a conservative club.

Don't rip off my shoes and kiss my feet!

You don't have to worry about that.

You asked for an apartment? Something nice, yet affordable?

Uh, Jack, could you sweat the other way, please?

Wally, will you listen to me? Not if you keep calling me Wally.

What is that? Oh, it's nothing. It's a pulse alarm.

Well, maybe we should stop. No, no, no. These things are unreliable.

Walter, can you get your hands on $200,000 by close of business Friday?

Well, let me see. If I sell everything I own, maybe I can buy you lunch.

Jack?

Jack, are you all right?

I'm fine, really. Take it easy, Mr Schnittman.

Has this ever happened before? Yeah.

Seven times in the past five months.

I thought jogging was getting you in better shape.

It is. Yeah.

Thanks to the jogging, now I can lift him into the ambulance.

Walter, this is a million-dollar house, literally. I just want an apartment.

My girlfriend's ex-husband returned from Europe today.

That's nice.

No, we have to get out of his place now. It's an uncomfortable situation.

Why would somebody sell a million-dollar house for 200,000?

Who knows? A divorce, loan sharks... drugs, sudden death.

The point is: You get to capitalize on a fellow human being's misfortune.

That's the basis of real estate. Have we got a deal?

You are more beautiful than ever. Thank you. So are you.

Why did we ever get divorced? So we could look better, for one reason.

Can I speak frankly? Anything's possible.

Anna, I have learned that my life is meaningless without you.

I know we made a mess of things before... but I wanna put the past behind us and begin again fresh... and new, and at the same time older and wiser.

Can we do that? No.

What do you mean "no"? Why not? I love Walter.

"Walter"? What Walter? Oh, Max, you know exactly what Walter.

Don't be ridiculous. He's not even a musician.

Many people aren't.

Anna, please, I have finally discovered there is only one person in the world who matters to me.

And that's you. I've known that for a long time.

No. You love me, and I love you.

You love you. I love Walter.

Will you stop saying that?

Max, it's over for us. Over.

All right. Then just go to bed with me.

A few of the Maestro's things. He moves back in today, you know.

Yeah, I know.

Party's over for you guys. You'll have to go home.

Some girl called. Said she'd taken a lot of pills... and was gonna kill herself if you didn't call her.

No, no. I get those calls two or three times a week.

She really sounds bad. I think she sounds awful... but she sold six million records last year.

Walter! Hey, how are ya?

I gotta get some food right now!

Okay, we promised never to come to your place again, but this is a major crisis.

It's not my place any more.

When your father took all our money, you were so nice to us.

You washed my hair. I didn't forget that.

We trust you, Walter. We need your advice.

I am sure I did not wash your hair!

Look, I gotta get up early tomorrow and go see Benny.

You see Benny? What's your problem?

We want to change the name of the band. You can't do that!

You've spent years and a fortune to make your name a household word.

Your name is perfect. "Cheap Girls." I love it.

I'm not sure it's us. It is.

We wanna call ourselves "Meryl Streep."

No, no. You cannot call yourselves "Meryl Streep."

Maybe she'll be flattered. No.

In fact, considering your act, I think I can guarantee a giant lawsuit.

Don't take off your coat. Forget it. You are not calling yourselves "Meryl Streep."

Come on, we're gonna go see a house. A house? Where?

An hour away from everyone. How about "Debbie Reynolds"?

Thanks very much. Keep the change.

This can't be it. It's the address.

It's... beautiful.

I know. Somethin' must be wrong.

Well, let's go see.

Hi! Come on in. Thank you.

Excuse the way the place looks.

I really let it go to hell since Carlos left.

But the house is beautiful.

Carlos and I were very happy here.

It's all over now. The living room's in here.

This is great! Fabulous.

Listen, if you want any of the furniture, it's all for sale.

Well, I think that we'd like to decorate it ourselves.

I'd sell it cheap. I need all the money I can get.

Goddam bloodsucking lawyers are bleeding me dry.

The floor just needs a little polish. The bedroom's up here.

I'm trying to save a few bucks on the lights... for the bloodsucking lawyers.

I think it's lovely.

There's a tricky step. I keep meaning to fix it.

What a beautiful bed! Could I use your bathroom?

Would you use the one downstairs?

All my personal things are still in this one.

Oh. Sure.

Happiest moments of my life since we left Paraguay... have been spent right here in this room.

You lived in Paraguay?

Ten wonderful years.

Carlos is from Asuncion.

Or at least he...

I'm awfully sorry.

About what?

I don't know actually. Do you wanna buy the bed?

I... I think so. You know... you think you know somebody... after 25 years... and then one day...

Israeli Intelligence comes to the door.

Israeli Intelligence?

Last Tuesday. That's why I've gotta sell the house.

It turns out, Carlos was Hitler's pool man.

There's a lot of grounds, but the maintenance isn't too bad.

I've always done it myself, but you could hire a gardener.

A gardener? No, no. I could handle this. This'd be a piece of cake.

Really?

Fabulous car!

What's it called again? It's a Lincoln.

They don't make 'em like this any more. It's a beauty.

Do you like it? I'll throw it in if you buy the house.

That's very generous.

I'm desperate. Can we close?

Well, we need a little time to...

There isn't any time. Extradition is Friday.

Extradition? I'll tell you later.

I need an answer by close of business tomorrow. Oh, you'll have it.

By the way, you have the most beautifully kept pool I've ever seen.

Oh, God. Oh, God!

What did I say?

What did I say?

Jack was right. We can't lose.

Nothing can be this easy. Sure it can.

You know what this is?

This is the short line in Motor Vehicles.

What?

You go to Motor Vehicles to get your license renewed... and you get on this line that reaches to Spain.

And right next to it is this little short line with only two guys on it.

But you don't get on that line, 'cause you think something must be wrong with it... otherwise everybody else would be on it, so you waste three hours.

I got on the short line once. It was for farm vehicles.

I want this house. I need this house.

We need this house.

Could be great.

Say yes!

If we do this, we do it together.

I'm putting in half the money, or I'm not going in.

Great!

I thought you'd give me an argument. If I had any money, I would.

Where are you gonna get your half?

Max.

I'll sell him everything I got in the divorce.

What about your half? I'm goin' straight to the top on this one:

Billboard's Artist of the Year.

He, who last year alone sold 22 million records.

Benny?

Yeah. Benny himself?

Did you hear that?

The train is coming, right when we decided to buy the house!

This has got to be an omen. I can feel it!

This is it! Everything's breaking for us!

You say you have an appointment?

I don't say I have an appointment, I have an appointment!

Hi, Mr. Fielding. Hello.

What the hell does he want? I don't know.

Didn't you ask him? What's the matter, I gotta pay you to think?

He just told me he wants to see you. Sorry, Benny.

Oh, well, that makes everything better. Walter, how are ya?

Okay, you've seen me. Is that it, or do you wanna talk too?

I wanna talk.

Figures.

All right. You've got five minutes.

Are you gonna let her do that? Are you gonna let my mother clean that carpet?

Thanks, Benny. Don't mention it.

I made a nice pot roast. Don't mention that either.

He never eats.

Look, Mom, we're real busy here. Why don't you go watch TV?

Hey, keep it brief. I got a chick waiting in the Jacuzzi.

I wish I had a hundred more like him.

There is a house I want to buy.

Let's just cut to the chase, okay? What do you want?

I want you to loan me $200,000 in cash.

No.

Benny!

You shout at me? I shout at you!

I need that money, and you're gonna loan it to me! I will not!

Yes, you will. No, no, no!

Yes, you will! I saved you ten times that in taxes last year!

So what? Benny, if you don't loan me that money, I'll...

You'll what, huh? You'll what?

I'll not like you any more!

All right. Thanks.

Great! Great!

They bought it! All right, gang! Way to go!

Not again!


How's it going? Fine.

What's that on your face?

The ceiling. Seems to be coming down in the bedroom.

Oh. Well, I'll get to that later. I only got two hands.

Okay. Okay.


What the hell was that? All I did was turn on the water.

That's all?

That doesn't sound good. No.

You should see the... I guess it's the water.

I don't know. It's revolting.

Okay. So the plumbing's not perfect. We'll get it fixed.

It's not the end of the world. You didn't see that water!

Look, this is an old house. It's gonna need some work. You've gotta expect that.

I didn't expect that water. It had legs.

A little work, a little care... a little imagination, and it's gonna be great!

It's gonna be fun fixing it up. You'll see.

I don't know, Walter. I've never been any good at that kind of thing.

What kind of thing? Work.

You can't go into it with that kind of attitude. You've gotta be more positive.

I'll try.

A little care, a little imagination... and a positive attitude.

What was that?

Nothing, dear.


Son of a bitch!


Oh, Walter! The stairs are out!

Honey, you're on my fingers.

Sorry...

I'd help you with that, but somebody stepped on all my fingers.

I said I was sorry.

I didn't expect your fingers to be on the floor, my darling.

I know. I'm just cranky.

I guess it's having just thrown $200,000 into the toilet.

Either that or the intense pain.

It's only the first day. You're not gonna give up on it already!

Oh, yes. Yes, I am.

No, you're not. I'm not gonna let you.

There's a chance we could fob it off on the Cheap Girls.

We're not going to sell it. The land, at least, has got to be worth something.

The house is going to be great!

Yeah, if we can peel the rind off it.

What? It's a lemon, honey, let's face it.

You can't just quit.

I'm a quitter, and I'm not ready to quit yet.

Why not?

Commitment.

Oh. That!

You're right. The house is gonna be great.

I promise.

Lady, this is impossible.

Oh, nonsense. You're doing fine. I feel like I'm gonna die.

You're not going to die. I'm holding the ladder.

If you fall, land on the mattress.

Hello. Yes.

Yes. We're having some problems with our plumbing, and I was...

Fielding. Walter Fielding.

There's no reason why you should've heard of me.

I don't have any references. I just... Somebody here call a carpenter?

Oh, yes. We did.

Don't let go of the ladder! I wasn't really holding it, anyway.

How much do I make a year?

Uh, how much do you make a year?

Really?

No. No, that's not a Jewish name. You're kidding, right?

Get out of my life, would you? Don't touch me, pig!

Oh, you're cute when you're mad. I'm serious. Get away from me.

Hey! Let go of her! Stop it!

That's my wife!

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm sorry.

She didn't say nothin' about being married.

I just thought she was good-lookin' wool.

This animal attacked me! I didn't say anything about anything.

Look, I don't wanna cause trouble.

If I came on a little strong, I'm sorry, okay?

No, it's not okay. Just get out of here.

Well, okay. If that's what you want.

I think we should call the police. Hey, let's not get nuts here.

Who are you anyway?

Art Shirk. I'm the carpenter.

I think we spoke on the phone. You're the carpenter?

Yeah. Well, I guess I'll be going. Oh, wait a minute! Just wait a minute.

Maybe we can clear this up. Clear this up?

What are you doing? He tried...

I know, but he's supposed to be a really good carpenter.

He tried to attack me. He just thought you were good-lookin' wool.

An attractive woman. He didn't know who you were.

I don't know who you are!

Look.

Do you know how hard it is to find a really good carpenter?

Besides, I think he's got a brother who's a plumber.

Really? A brother who's a plumber? I think so.

Do you think I should sleep with him? Maybe just this once.

I think I'm going to start dinner. The house is gonna be great.

Great.

Great! Hey, I'm sorry about that.

Oh, it's all right. You'll have plenty of opportunities to make it up to us.

You know, usually a woman calls a carpenter, she's lookin' for the old "hammer and nail."

And I don't mean... Yeah, I know what you mean.

Hey, buddy, did you really buy this house?

Yes, I did.


Now, what was over there?

The stairs. It began right there and it curved all the way...

Oh, my God!

No,don%!

What's the matter?

I was just lighting the oven. Just lighting...

You could've been killed! We could've all died!

Oh, well, thank you very much. I'm not completely helpless in the kitchen.

I do know how to light an oven.

Well, yeah, but...

You mean this thing works? So far, so good.

Well, it's amazing. What about the... What do you call these?

The burners. I haven't tried them yet.

Maybe we shouldn't press our luck.

Wanna see the refrigerator? No.

Water?

No water. We've got gas and electricity, though.

That's two out of three. Art's calling his brother.

Oh, good news. You're not gonna have to sleep with him.

Just a little dinner, some dancing.

How long do you think all that'll take? Two weeks.

Really? That's all? When do you think you could start?

Just as soon as your check clears.

Couldn't you at least hang the door? I've got enough cash for that.

Haven't got the right materials. Wood's rotten.

Won't hold a screw.

Which reminds me:

I'm late for my next job.

If you know what I mean.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

In spite of all the problems... in spite of the prospect of indentured servitude for the rest of my life... in debt beyond my wildest dreams... I love the house.

So do I.

And I love you.

Life is good.


Prostate trouble?


Well, that was fast.

We have very weak trees.

Weak trees?

I guess that's the door.

Hurry, don't let it ring again.

Wait!

You Fielding? Right! You must be...

My brother Art recommended you. I don't usually take jobs in this area.

I'm glad you can make an exception. Let's not get ahead of ourselves, okay?

I'm sorry. Where should we start?

Well, you could offer me a drink. I don't know where my manners are.

Here it is, nearly 11:30. You must be parched.

What? Wait a minute! We haven't even talked about the plumbing yet!

And we're not going to, not with your attitude!

Oh, saving the good scotch for the company, are we?

No wonder you've been turned down by every plumber in the valley.

That's not true! Don't make it worse by lying.

I'm not lying! I haven't tried everybody yet.

Please, you gotta help me!

I don't know.

Write me a check quick, before I come to my senses. Five grand.

Five grand... Five thousand dollars? That's just a deposit.

You didn't even... Well, I'm not tryin' to tell you your business... but you haven't even looked at my pipes.

I looked at them three years ago. You figure they've improved with age?

Prep school.

Yale. Phi Beta Kappa.

Four years of law school, law review.

Are you all right? Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

The secret is not to, uh, look down.

Oh, why did you say that? Look down? It's a secret.

I was fine till you said that. I'm sorry.

You're doin' great.

Just great.

If you don't mind...

I'm gonna share this bath with you because I can't do this a second time.

I think that's a swell idea.

That way you can save your energy for more worthwhile causes.

Would you get the rest of the water, okay?

Hi, this is Julia Child with a tip on making crepes Suzette... that marvelous flaming dessert that you do at the table.

You need a nice flaming set-up. I've got a heat source there.

There 3 an attractive pan.

In the pan I have a mixture of sugar, butter...

... orange juice and grated orange peel.

I'm taking a crepe... and I'm bathing it in this mixture.


and on goes some nice brandy. Let it bubble up well... and then dip it into your flames...


Little problem in the kitchen. Nothing trivial.

Well, the turkey's done.

So is the kitchen.

Actually, it's a little overdone for my taste.

Let's not go there again.

You don't want to tell me what happened?

No, I don't.

I just want to relax in a nice lukewarm bath.

What about this?

I don't think that can hurt us any more.


What are you doing?

Save yourself! What?

I'm a menace to anything I touch.

The Surgeon General's warning should be tattooed across my forehead.

"Walter Fielding is dangerous to your health. Don't touch him."

Save yourself.

I can't. I've tried, but I love Walter Fielding.

No... I can't give him up.

No! I'm hopelessly addicted.

You must think of yourself! I am sinking fast into the money pit... and I don't want to drag you down with me. Save yourself while there's still time.

Walter, brighten up. I hate seeing you like this.

I hate being like this. I'm a disaster.

These are estimates from legitimate contractors for repairs on the pit.

Those that will actually come out here are so expensive, I can't talk about it.

Let's not talk about it.

I've just given our last $5,000 - our last 5,000 borrowed dollars - to the Shirks.

I don't mean to be questioning you... They were willing to take it!

The legitimate people wanted four times as much just to say "hello."

So it's the Shirks. That's not so bad.

Well, that's if they show up.

Just because they showed up to collect the money... is no guarantee that they'll show up to do the work.

And if they do, I can't pay for it!

I'm going to help you. Do you have a gun?

"Here lies Walter Fielding. He bought a house, and it killed him."

If I could raise some more money, would that help?

Depends on how you're gonna raise the money.

I think I know how. I know you know how.

Just stop! I've got some things I can sell.

I don't wanna talk about money or the house any more tonight.

Neither do I. We could just skip town... borrow some bus fare. Or we could hitchhike!

Hit the open road!

Everything's gonna be just fine. You'll see. Trust me.

How...?

Don't you trust me? It's not that.

It's just that...

We'll think of somethin'. Who cares?


What's happening? Well, stay here. I'll find out.

Hi! You must be Mr. Fielding.

Yeah. Yeah. Who...? I'm from Shirk Brothers.

Your number came up in the drawing this morning.

We work today! That's great...! Where is Brad?

Oh, South of France, I think. Shouldn't he be here?

Brad is the executive plumber. We do all the work.

We're just about to get started. You're free to watch if you want.

Though I wouldn't recommend it. Are there any living things in there?

Well, my girlfr... My wife. What the hell.

Oh, I'd get her out.

Hold it, fellas. Just a second. There's a woman inside there.

Hold it! Come on!

Hey, come on! Wait a minute, fellas, there's a lady inside there.

Here! Here she...

Here you go.

Okay? Are you all right?

Yes, thank you. That's it.

Is everything out? Yeah.

Okay. Have a nice day! Who are they?

The plumbers. Are you sure?

No, and I don't care. I'm just thrilled to see somebody actually working.

Mrs. Fielding, don't worry about a thing!

Okay, guys, let's do it!

In our settlement you listed the value of that painting at $100,000.

I'll sell it to you for 75.

That painting doesn't interest me. Yes, it does.

You love that painting. That's the only reason I took it.

All you want to talk about is money. Let's talk about love and sex.

Forget love, let's just talk about sex.

Max, I'm desperate. I need money.

I need new plumbing. I need new appliances. A new staircase, Max.

Stop, please! Too boring.

Plastering, landscaping, painting.

A roof. Too middle class. Stop.

New floors, new tiles, new fixtures in the bathroom.

Okay, okay, I'll buy it. I'll give you the money.

Only, please, God, stop! Thank you, Max.

Sometimes you can be very sweet. I know.

How do I look in this?

Oh, beautiful! You look beautiful in everything.

Hi!

Hi.

What happened? It was no picnic... but those boys are work animals. Well, everything looks pretty well under control.

It does? Well, not to the layman's eyes, of course.

They completely ripped up our house!

They sure as hell did, didn't they?

They ripped the guts out of it! They're work animals, I'm telling you!

Look at those holes, huh?

Then you got your gravel piles, your sand piles, your scrap piles.

Animals! Animals...

Well, I like a good conversation as well as anybody, but I gotta run.

Hasta pronto, if you know what I mean.

You're leaving? Well, I ain't movin' in.

But we'll be back when you get your permits.

Permits? The permit man was supposed to be here by 4:00.

Oh, he was, but you or your wife weren't here to meet him.

We weren't? Anna's not here?

No, no. I would've noticed.

The permit man was pretty agitated. Really steamed his clams.

Said he'd be back when you grow udders and get milked.

That's a long time. Yeah. Yeah...

Well, if he ever does come back, you call me and we'll finish the job.

When I do get the permits, how long will the job take?

Two weeks. Two weeks? Two weeks?

You sound like a parakeet. "Two weeks? Two weeks?"

Well, uh, two weeks. It's... It's amazing.

Amazing, nothing. It'll be a regular miracle!


Hello?

Oh, hi there.

"Tone"? My voice has no tone.

Because I'm standing in a pile of rubble and we don't have the permits to un-rubble it.

"Exaggerating"? Honey, we're living in Swiss cheese with a door.

"Mozart"? Mozart is dead. His troubles are over. Help me!

All right. I'm sorry.

You're right. If you had to work, you had to work.

Oh, I love you too.

Where is the guy's number? The permit man.

In the den, you think. I will pick you up at the station.

Just give me a call when you get there.

"Shrapp"...?

Is Mr. Shrapp in? Mr. Shrapp. Walter Fielding.

Hey, watch what you say about my mother, now!

Mr. Shrapp, let's be adults about this.

I'm... Look, I'm very sorry I wasn't here this afternoon.

My wife was poisoned and taken to the hospital.

Well, what would cut any ice with you?

A bribe? Sure. Can you be here in a half an hour?

All right.

Cash? No problem.

Weasel. Cash.

Help!

Come on, everybody I said let's play a game I bet ya I can make a rhyme Out of anybody's name Anna-Anna, Bo-banna Banana-fanna, fo-fanna Fee-fi, mo-manna Anna Let's try Brad!

Brad, Brad, Bo-rad Banana-fanna Walter Fielding!

Hello... Hello! Hello! I'm here!

Are you in there, Fielding?

Yeah! I'm here.

My chest is constricted. I can't shout.

Okay, Fielding!

I can hear you in there laughing at me.

This is it, you duck fart! I'm leaving, and I'm never coming back!

Ya hear me, Fielding? Yes, I hear you!

I'm tearing up your permit!

There! Nobody laughs at Montgomery Shrapp!


Good Lord!

You testin' missiles here, or what?

The house is gonna be great. Perfect.


Oh, my God!

Walter!

Thank God it's you! Thank God!

Walter?

Thank God you're here, honey! Is that you?

Is it me? Ha! Is it me?

Anna, I've been here so long I'm hallucinating.

A while ago I thought the Care Bears were here!

Walter?

Farm animals, or geese and chickens...

Walter! Upstairs!

Are you all right?

No, I'm not all right. Not at all.

No!

Where are you? I'm in the den.

No, you're not. I was just in there.

I'm in the den. I swear it! Please believe me.

Will you stop fooling around, Walter? I'm tired.

I'm right here...

Look, Walter, enough is enough. I'm right here!

Where? In the floor, behind the chair.

Oh, laughing...

We're laughing...

The permit man was here. Oh, that's good.

No, it's not. Now tomorrow I've got to take off work... drive to his office and kiss his ass.

Well, thanks to that fall we're now the same height.

Yeah, that's much better.

So, why did rehearsal run so long? That was my fault.

We got off to a late start because I was haggling with Max over the painting.

How, exactly, would you define "haggling"?

What do you mean by that? I thought that was my question.

Are you jealous of Max?

Jealous of Max? Don't be silly.

Just because he's rich, famous, good-looking, brilliant...

I mean, what's he got that I haven't got? Walls.

I feel much better.

Good night, hon.

Good night.


Get to work!

Four months.

Four months since I got those permits. They're not even half done.

They said two weeks for the whole job.

You're telling me this like I haven't been here.

We're going through a rough time. Let's remember not to take it out on each other.

You're right. You're right.

You hear about that guy up in the Bronx, went crazy, thought he was a pigeon?

They found him in the park throwing bread crumbs at himself.

He was just putting in a guest bathroom.

Okay. So let's be nice to each other. We're all we've got.

Don't forget to get the water.

Haven't I gotten the water every morning for four months?

Do I ever forget the water? Don't do this. Walter, Walter, Walter!

I'm sorry.

The bucket's in the hall.

I know where the bucket is. You don't have to tell me where the bucket is.

Stairs!

A staircase! We have stairs!

Oh, hello, Mr. Stairs. I've missed you.

Anna? Anna, darling!

Did you get the water? We have stairs!

It's happening, honey.

Everything's gonna be fixed.

We have stairs!

That's terrific. Everything's gonna be wonderful.

Yes...

Sweetheart, I could really use some water.

Yeah. Right away.

- Say, Curly? Yo!

Could you send up some water?

We're a little busy today, Walter, tryin' to build a house.

I'll get it myself. I'll use my new stairs.

That's my boy.

Tar bucket comin' down.

Morning, James. Morning!

Alka-Seltzer. Just a minute.

Any idea when you're going to be finished here? Two weeks.

That's what I thought. Alka-Seltzer. Here you go.

Oh. You know you're almost out of birth control pills?

Thank you, James.

Walter. Walter!

The water! I know. I'm getting it.

Hey Walter, you want this room painted blue?

Like in the hallway? Blue? No!

That's all wood... What do you mean, "like the hallway"?

The hallway. Blue, right? I want nothing blue. Nothing!

Oh, man. Now I gotta go flush out my paint sprayer.

Oh, that's a bummer, I know.

Have you seen Mr. Fielding? Fielding?

Yeah. Don't know any Fieldings around here.

In Cincinnati... Walter?

Oh, Walter. Yeah!

He was supposed to bring me a bucket of water.

Bring you some water? Yeah. Do... No...

How's that?

It's a miracle.

Walter!

I wanna ask you something. You're a lawyer, right?

Yeah.

Last year my father was hit in the head by a golf ball.

Oh, can I unplug...

Now, he seemed okay... but last week we were watching and I put on the Bob Hope Desert Classic from Palm Springs.

He goes friggin' nuts!

My father, not Bob Hope.

So he kicks in the friggin' TV screen. Now...

I'd have to study it, but I'd say you got a great case against Bob Hope.

Thanks, man.


That was not so bad.

Are you happy with that one? I am not unhappy with it.

It's the best that miserable symphony has ever sounded.

You have my congratulations, and you may go home!

But don't you want to hear it back?

No, if there's something wrong with it it's your fault... and you will hang for it.

Do you have a cigarette? I'm sorry.

It was beautiful, Max. Better than Szell's version?

I wondered why you did this. I know you never liked it.

Well?

It was better. Thank you.

It's a pity that son of a bitch isn't alive... because it would kill him to hear that.

Have you got a cigarette? You stopped smoking five years ago!

I started again two weeks ago. Can I have the damn cigarette?

Filters...

You seem a little tense.

Your shoulders are up over your ears.

Are you all right? Don't I look all right?

In a word, no. The only good part of our divorce was... that it seemed to make you happy.

For you to be without me and unhappy... is such a waste. You are making me sad.

Walter's in Philadelphia... and the idea of going back to that house, alone...

Oh, God.

Why don't we have dinner and a huge amount of alcohol?

I'm not dressed for a restaurant. My place.

Our old place.

You can have a hot bath.

We'll have a fire. Hwang will make anything you want for dinner.

Duck l'orange.

Twelve-year-old scotch.

In clean glasses.

That can be arranged. I'm not going to bed with you.

I may not ask you.


Oh, my God.

Good morning.

Oh, my God. What's wrong?

What happened? What did we do?

What have we done? Oh, my God!

Calm down. You were a little looped. You sang a few songs.

The Beatles? The entire catalogue.

What else? You don't remember?

It was duck for dinner. Right? Followed by crepe Suzettes.

I don't remember the crepe Suzettes. You don't remember the piano?

No. Under the piano?

I don't wanna hear any more. It was incredible. Better than Zurich.

Zurich? The police came.

No! You don't remember any of this?

MY Shoe!

Not my shoe!

Last night you were the animal I remember.

I don't need shoes! Come back to me... and the police will come every night. I love you.

This is a nightmare.

Last night you said you loved me, that we would be together the rest of our lives.

I wasn't drunk, I was insane!

When are you going to tell Walter? Never!

You're just going to walk out on him without saying anything?

I am not walking out on him. I am in love with him. Not you, him.

No, this whole wonderful realization has confused you.

Talk this over with Walter, and you'll see.

Lying. What?

I'm going to have to do a lot of lying.

No. Tell him the truth. I'll lose him.

Hey, take a chance.

You'd better let me off here. I don't think you can make it up the driveway.

They testin' missiles here? That's right, buddy, we are.

And it's very hush-hush. Top secret.

So forget you were up here and forget you saw any of this.

And forget about a tip.

Ah, home, crap home.

I still can't get used to the idea of having hot water whenever we want it.

Yeah. Yeah...

So, what'd you do last night? Oh, nothing much.

Where'd you eat? What?

Last night. Where did you eat? Oh, the Four Seasons.

Well, I'm glad it wasn't anything special.

Actually, it was a little special.

We had just done probably the finest performance... of Haydn's Surprise Symphony ever.

Really? Uh, please tell me you didn't pay.

I didn't.

Max took us.

Well, that must have been some performance. It was.

It's never been my favourite piece of music, but we really did it well.

How was Max?

Fine!

I mean, he was very pleased with himself.

He asked after you.

Oh, that's very nice.

Did you sleep with him?

I hope you don't mind.

Of course, we can't go back to the Four Seasons again.

Did you?

Walter!

Did you?

Are you serious?

Well, I know you weren't here last night because I called.

And, uh, guess what.

I don't know. You tell me.

No answer.

Walter, do you want to tell me what you're saying?

I'm not saying anything.

Actually, what I'm saying is... that I would hope that if there was something for you to tell me... for example, that you'd spent last night with Max... that you would tell me...

That it would be okay for you to tell me.

You're just going to have to trust me.

Oh, I trust you.

I do trust you. I just want you to tell me the truth.

Well, I did.

Well, then, that's the end of it.

You would tell me, wouldn't you? Walter...

I just want you to be honest with me. I can take anything except lies.

People slip up. Christ, I understand that.

It happens all the time.

I mean, I'm not some meat head chauvinist provincial.

Is that all? No. No. I'm jealous.

I'm very jealous of Max.

I'm not crazy about the idea of you sleeping with him... but if you did it and didn't tell me, that would really bother me.

Without changing my plea, I would like to know why.

Because it underestimates me.

Not telling me assumes I'm incapable of understanding why you did it.

Not that you did it. Had you done it.

Did you?

You want me to tell you the truth, no matter how much it hurts.

If we can't be honest with each other, what else have we got?

And you'll believe in me? You'll understand?

Of course I will. I love you.

I love you too, but I did not sleep with Max last night.

No?

Can we knock this off and go to sleep?

I love you.

Walter?

Walter! Walter?

Are you awake? Yeah!

Yeah, I'm awake. What is it?

I have to talk to you.

Oh, I can't believe I'm gonna do this. It's so stupid.

What is it? What's the matter?

I lied to you about Max.

Apparently I went to his apartment, I got drunk...

I guess I sang a few songs... and apparently I, um... slept with him.

I know I shouldn't be telling you this.

No. No. It's okay.

It's only proved to me how much I love you.

Oh, that sounds stupid too, but it's true.

I love you, Walter. I love you.

I love you. It's okay. Everything's okay.

You won't hold it against me? You can forgive me?

Sure.

Can we talk about this in the morning? I'm so tired.

Do we have to talk about it? Can't we just put this behind us?

Yeah.

I love you. I love you.

You whore!

I leave town for 5 minutes, you can't wait to leap into the sack with old Max!

You... bastard! That's right!

Laying it off on me! You hypocrite!

I'm not the one screwing around! "Just be honest with me."

How long has this been going on? You chauvinist meat head!

I'm not telling you anything! Now or ever again!

Oh, this is perfect! Guess who suddenly turns into the injured party!

Where do you think you're going? Someplace where you're not!

Well, then, you stay here, because I'm leaving!

Fine! Get out!

I never want to see you again!

The plasterer came?


Hey, what the...?

What happened? Your old lady kick you out?

I do not wish to discuss my domestic difficulties with you, Leo.

That's okay. I figure she threw his ass out.

No, she did not throw my ass out!

No, you had your chance, man. This is between me and Duke.

I'm not payin' you guys to stand around. You wanna get to work?

We can't do nothin' till the plumbin' inspector gets here.

There's no plumbing in that wall.

No?

We can take off and you can call us when he gets here.

Just stay where you are. I fell for that one before.

You're up bright and early.

I didn't sleep very well.

You look great. Got a date?

Yes, with the Marine Corps Band. I'm starting with the brass... and I'm working my way to the drum section.

Don't you think we should talk? This is not the time.

I'm mad, and I'm getting madder.

Oh, you're mad! What do you think I am?

I think you're a jerk. I know that.

I didn't realize how big a jerk I was until last night. Neither did I.

Let's just pack it in, then.

Let's just finish this thing right here and now! Fine.

I'll pack a bag for you and send the rest later!

You expect me to move out? You shouldn't have any trouble finding a bed.

I got a bed, lady. Get the hell outta here! This is private!

What makes you think you can just throw me out of my own house?

You're the one who's moving! I have worked and slaved... suffered and put myself in hock up to my eyes... and you want me to move out because you've got the hots for Max?

No way! You hear me? No way!

I have worked and slaved and suffered for this house every bit as much as you have!

Actually more, because I had to put up with you!

This is ridiculous! You don't even like this house!

I love this house!

You've done nothing but complain about it since we got here!

I did one other thing:

I sunk every nickel I had in the world in this house!

And you'll get it all back! I told you that!

Me and everyone you've ever met!

"I'll pay you back" will be written on your gravestone!

I wouldn't give lectures on the value of promises!

Your word didn't do too well on this last outing!

Yours is fine!

It's certainly a lot better than your check!

I'll get you your money back!

I don't want the money! This is my house, and I'm not moving!

It's a big house! We'll divide it up!

You stay in your half, I'll stay in mine!

That is such a dumb idea.

Sometimes it amazes me you ever passed the bar.

I'm sure it does. You've never passed a bar in your life.

You are so much less attractive when I'm sober.

Thank goodness it's not that often. All right, that's it!

I've had it with you, the house, Max, the orchestra and everything!

How long will it take to put this place together?

Two weeks.

Okay, we'll stick it out until the house is finished.

Then we'll sell it, get our money back... and get the hell away from each other!

Fine.

Get back to work!


What are you doing here? You missed a rehearsal.

That's right. Did you tell Walter what happened between us?

Yes. And what did he say?

Walter and I are through. I hate us both.

You'll get over it. You'll come back to me.

No.

I'm just going away someplace.

You can't go anywhere. We have performances.

You don't understand. I have to get away from here.

From both of you. You are leaving the symphony?

What have I done?

Oh, it wasn't your fault. It was my fault. I was weak.

No, you weren't.

What? I made it up.

You made what up, Max?

You slept in the bedroom. I slept in the living room.

Sex would have been a miracle. Oh, Max!

I wanted you back, and I truly thought I could make you happy this time.

Oh, Max. Tell Walter the truth.

No.

He couldn't forgive me, and I can't forgive him for that.

He's lost a wonderful woman, and I know what that's like.

I've lost many. You must hate me.

No.

I used to hate you. Now I hate Walter.

Lucky guy.

Walter! Well, this is an unexpected revulsion.

Are you hot? Can I take your life?

I can see that my presence here could be construed as in poor taste.

No! Do you realize what you've done?

You've taken a woman who loves you, one of the great women on the face of this Earth... and thrown her away. I've lost her too.

But I'll get over it because I am shallow and self-centered.

But you, you won't because you are complex.

You will suffer terrible anguish for the rest of your life.

This is turning out to be a pretty good day.

Good day.

Smooth strokes.

Up and down.

Paint, don't tickle.

And don't smoke.


Well, folks, I guess this is hasta "so-long-a."

You know, just between us, there were a couple of times... when I didn't think we'd ever be able to put this baby back up.

But it, uh, it turned out.

It's beautiful, Curly. It is, really.

Much better than I imagined. Oh, thank you.

Thank you. That's very nice of you.

One more job, though. Here's your key.

It's the only one I've got. Who wants it?

Well, I'll just put it on the bannister here.

You'll have no trouble selling this place, that's for sure.

Shirk Brothers'll give you a million for it tomorrow.

Great.

No, this wasn't an easy one... but the foundation was good, I'll say that.

And if that's okay, then everything else can be fixed.

Well, goodbye, folks. Good luck.


Well, this is it.

Are you going to spend the night here?

No. You?

I'm already packed.

I'd better get packed myself.

I'll get my bags-

Walter...

Walter... This step. This was our step.

This is where it all started to... turn to crap.

Too late to put it back together, isn't it?

You slept with Max, and I don't care.

What?

I don't care.

Well, I care, but not enough for us to be apart.

Really?

Really. I'm glad you slept with him... because now I know how much I really love you.

You sleeping with Max was the best thing that could've happened to us.

I didn't sleep with him.

Thank God.


Over here!

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.


That's it. One more! One more! Hold it!

Hold it.

It's a very nice house, and the price is reasonable.

Reasonable? It's a steal.

Oh, honey! It's so beautiful.

You buy or not?

We're buying.

You can count it if you like, but you'll find it's all there.

Carlos, come on!

We haven't got all day! Let's go!

Mein wife.

Auf wiedersehen...

Hasta la vista.