The Monster Squad (1987) Script

(THUNDER)


(THUNDER)

(WIND HOWLS)

(WATER DRIPPING)

(BAT SCREECHING)

(SQUEAKING)

(SQUEAK)


(INSECT CHIRPING)

(BATS SQUEALING)


(NEIGHING)

(BARKING)

(SHOUTS)

(DOG BARKS)

(HORSES NEIGH)


(HISS)

Aah!


Three minutes. The girl. Now!

Let's hurry a bit, shall we?

(GIRL CHANTING IN GERMAN) Come on!

Faster, faster!

(CONTINUES CHANTING)

(THUNDER)

(CONTINUES CHANTING)

(SHOUTING)

(SCREAMING, SHOUTING)

(ROARING) (SCREAMING)

Read!

Or we're all gonna die!

Uhh...

(WHIMPERING)

(SHOUTING)

Aah!

Aah!

No! Come back

(SCREAMING)

Aah!

(SCREECHING)

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

(MAN) Well, well, well.

Are you two sitting comfortably?

Good. Now. Gentlemen.

Do you see these file folders?

The ones with your names on them?

Can you guess what's in these file folders?

I'll give you a hint.

Discipline reports.

Lots of them.

And some wonderful artwork as well.

This is...?

Spider with human head?

I'm sorry. Spider? With human head.

Yeah. He eats dogs and cats and rabbits.

Does he?

Sean thought him up. You see, Sir, we kinda have this monster club, okay?

And we draw those pictures to put on our clubhouse walls.

Correction, Mr. Crenshaw.

You draw pictures during Mrs. Carlson's science class when you're supposed to be paying attention.

Wait. I just want to say one thing.

I mean, Ms. Carlson's a nice teacher and all, but she's boring and has an odd-shaped head.

That's why Sean and the guys call her "Meow Mix,"

'cause her head's shaped like a cat head.

But I don't, Sir, 'cause... how rude.

(CHUCKLES)

Boys...

I hear you.

(CHUCKLES)

I was a kid once.

I thought monsters were cool.

And maybe, well... well, gosh... maybe I'm just a big kid, because, Sean, Patrick...

...I think science is cool.

I dig it, man.

(LAUGHS)

Now, I'm sure both of you know a great deal about monsters, but that's not the issue here. The issue is...

...science is real.

Monsters are not.

We don't know that, Sir.

God, can you believe Mr. Metzger?

Tell me about it. He touched me and patted my shoulders and stuff.

The guy was fully homo-ing out.

I smell like the '40s.

I mean, when they send you to school, why don't they tell you about the homos and people with cat heads...

Ooh! Oh!

Sorry, Mrs. Carlson.

Meow. Meow.

She's married, Sean.

Oh, my God! Some guy kisses her at night?

I mean, a priest said, "I now pronounce you man and wife," and it was okay with him?

Hey. Where's Fat Kid?

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to our show.

Tonight's question What makes Fat Kid fat?

Fat kid?

Get out of here, E.J.

"Get out of here, E.J." Nope.

Not a good answer. Doesn't make any sense.

Let's go to our man on the street. Derek. Hi. I'm Derek, and I'm in the street where Fat Kid is blocking traffic.

Fat Kid, can't you stop eating?

Look, I have a glandular problem, okay?

At least I don't have a... stupidity problem.

What'd you say, faggot? What'd you say?

My name's Horace!

Horace.

Whore-ass.

Oops. I tore it.

I guess I must have a stupidity problem.

(WHISPERS) What'd you say, faggot? What'd you say?

I said, "You're an asshole."

(GASPING)

(CHILDREN CHEERING)

(CHILDREN FALL SILENT)

Hey, Rudy.

E.J.

See you met my friend Horace.

You okay?

Rudy, I, uh... Shh!

You dropped your Candy bar, E.J.

It's his.

It's your now.

(VOICE CRACKS) Rudy... Eat.

Rudy, I'm not gonna... Eat up!

And we'll call it a day.

(CHILDREN GROAN)

Look, Patrick, I told you before, Wolf man cannot drive a car. Yes, he can.

No, he can't! Yes, he can.

All I'm saying is, Sean, he could if he had to.

He could not. You're being such a dork!

I know you are, but what am I? A dork.

I know you are, but what am I?

Oh, great. A feeb. A dork.

I know you are, but what am I? A dork.

I know you are, but what am I? Infinity! Look, Wolf man doesn't go to work. He's not, like, a guy.

What are you talkin' about?

He walks around. He wears pants.

He had to wear pants 'cause those movies were made in the '40s.

He had to wear 'em so you wouldn't see his... wolf dork.

Wolf dork?

(GIRL) You guys!

I saw him. He was watching us.

Who?

Scary German Guy.

Sean, he give me the creeps.

Oh, he's just a dude on welfare.

Maybe he's a German spy.

Oh, good one. We're not at war with Germany anymore.

We're at war with Vietnam.

What?

It's in Rambo.

You guys missed it! Oh! Fat Kid!

Rudy saved my life!

Do you think we could talk him into joining the Monster Club?

Can we?

Huddle. Huddle.

Sean, he's in Junior high.

(GIRL) I hear he killed his Dad.

Get out of here, Phoebe the Feeb!

Okay, you guys. We should let him in on one condition.

(ALL) Monster test.

You guys! I saw Scary...

I saw him!

I saw Scary German Guy!

He was watching!

(MAN) I'm depressed.

What for? What do you mean, what for?

I'm flyin' a World War II bomber with wooden crates in it and dead bodies.

I should have a party?

Do they complain? Do they get airsick?

Do they ask for more of the little almond things?

You're right.

This is a great job. I'm really happy.

(THUD)

I thought they were dead.

They are.

I'm goin' to, uh...

I'm gonna check it out.

Okay. Good.

You do that.

I'll stay here and make spooky sounds.

(ANIMAL SQUEAKS)

(SCREECHING)

Aah!

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Where are you, you son of a bitch?

(GRUNTING)

(MAN MOANS)

Oh...

Uhh!

(SQUEAKING)

(FROGS CROAKING)

(SCREECHES)

(FAT KID) Two ways to kill a vampire.

(SEAN) Good one, Fat Kid. Excellent question.

(RUDY) Uh, stake through the heart.

(SEAN) RIGHT. (FAT KID) What else?

(PATRICK) Oh, real good.

(SEAN) EUGENE. (EUGENE) I wasn't talking.

Get him in a muzzle, will ya? It was Pete.

(RUDY) You guys meet up here a lot, or, uh...

Every day.

(PATRICK) Do we meet up here a lot?

Eugene! Man! (DOG BARKS)

Eugene, make Pete shut up.

(FAT KID) Do you really think that was a good question?

(SEAN) Rudy! Are you gonna listen or look out the window?

(PATRICK) I told you he didn't want to be in the club.

Lighten up, Patrick.

(RUDY) No way!

Hey, we're tryin' to do the test here, you know.

You're gonna piss him off.

I'm beginnin' to like this club.

Rudy! Come on. It's a monster test.

It's important. Okay?

Second way to kill a vampire.

Mmm... I give up.

Daylight.

Sunlight. Ha ha ha! Fat Kid, what other kind of light is there durin' the day?

Go away, Pete! Okay, question two.

Is Frankenstein the name of the monster or the guy who made him?

The guy. Right.

(KNOCK KNOCK)

Can't you read?

Mom said you have to let me in the club, or else it's prescruption.

That's discrimination, jerkoid.

"Prescription" is drugs, which you're on if you think you're gettin' up here.

Come on, Sean! I know about monsters.

Come on! Let me in the club! Two ways to kill a werewolf.

Silver bullet?

And?

That's it. Shoot him with a sliver bullet.

Nope. Sorry, Rudy.

Ha ha!

Okay, so, what's the other way?

What?

Second way to kill a werewolf?

Um... Car crash?

Accident with power tools?

Old age? Falling out a window.

Onto a bomb! (WOMAN) Sean! Phoebe! Dinner!

Oops. Gotta go.

Wait. Am I in or what?

(ANNOUNCER CHATTING ON TV)

I mean it, spaz.

(PHOEBE) You gotta stop it.

Uh, uh, uh, uh!

Wash up for dinner, guys.

(PHOEBE) Boring guy, boring guy, boring guy, boring guy.

What's this, Mom?

Huh? Oh, I got that for you today at Jane Burgess' garage sale.

Says it's from that old house up on Shadowbrook Road.

Holy shit! Uh, sor... cow. Um, I'm sorry.

Mom, do you know who wrote this book?

Yeah. It's, what, Van Helsing something.

Now, he's the one that fights Godzilla. Right?

Dracula, Mom.

Well, then which is the really tall one?

That's Godzilla.

My God! Abraham Van Helsing.

This is great!

This is German.

(THUNDER)

(THUNDER)

Let it begin.

(THUNDER)

(THUNDER)

Hey, slick.

Busy day?

Not really.

Shoot any crooks today? Afraid not.

But I still may if you don't wash up for dinner.

(WATER SPLASHES)

What's on your mind?

Well, Dad, uh, some of the guys and me were maybe gonna go see Groundhog Day Part 12 tonight, only if it's okay with you.

Is it? Please?

Oh, we got a problem.

No way! Yes, way.

I gotta go out with your Mother tonight.

You got a certain 5-year-old sister who needs baby-sitting. Oh, come on, Dad!

I've waited all year to see this movie!

Pal, it's only a movie. Look, tomorrow night, you and I'll go see Groundhog Day.

I'll get home early.

Tomorrow night? That'll be too late!

The guys will blab the entire plot!

What? Did I hear "plot"?

Sean, it is a guy with an ax.

Anyway, I thought they killed him in the last one.

They did. And he returns from his grave.

Returns from the grave?

Sean, he always returns from the grave.

If they blew him up, put his head in a blender, and mailed the rest of the pieces to Norway, he would still return from the grave. That was part seven.

You want to know what the plot is?

The plot separates you from my five bucks.

I want to see a stupid movie.

Well, you can't. You're baby-sitting.

Fine. Can I have five bucks anyway?

Absolutely.

So, where you two goin' tonight?

Marriage counselor.

Again?

I thought you quit smoking.

Sean.

Son, I love you dearly, but do me a favor.

Put your basic lid on it.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Now, get outta here.

(RING)

Hello. Yeah?

Officer, please! Lock me up!

Lock... Yeah. I'm a werewolf! I'm a werewolf!

Please. Please. Hey, Del.

I know it sounds crazy, but... Bad news.

Listen, I gotta go downtown.

Can you reschedule that appointment?

Honey, I'm a cop, okay?

You knew that when you bought the package.

Look. It's important.

I'm important.

I love you.

Prove it.

I'll see you in a few hours.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Just for a night!

You see, it's a full Moon!

And I'm a werewolf! Take it easy.

You don't understand! You gotta lock me up!

You gotta put me in a cage!

Buddy, I'd like nothin' better! Hold onto your pants!

Oh, God! You don't understand! You've gotta... Oh!

Anything you say, fella.

Put the cuffs on him.

I got it. All right. I got him now.

Aah!

Jesus Christ! We need some backup!

Bon voyage!

Lock me up!

So, let me get this straight.

You tellin' me there was this 2,000-year-old Mummy here, right?

Yes, Sir. Uh-huh.

Well, now he's not here. He's gone. Vanished. History.

Yes, Sir.

And you're sayin' you didn't hear anybody come in here or leave. Is that right?

Can you hear me now? Hello?

I can hear you fine.

So, nobody took the Mummy.

I would've heard them. (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Of course he would've. What a stupid question.

Did you take him?

No, Sir!

Just a shot.

That's it, Del.

This case is too hard, man.

Let's be firemen instead.

I'm glad you're gettin' major laughs out of this, Rich.

The problem is, 2,000-year-old dead guys do not get up and walk away by themself.


(WOMAN, ON RADIO) Accident patrol, uh, request confirmation.

You have the 915-H officer-involved shooting en route?

(SQUELCHING)

(ROARING) Aah!

Aah!

My God! You scared me!

(MAN) Where are Steve and Judy?

(WOMAN) I thought they were with you.

(MAN CHATTERING)

(GIRL) Not funny.

(MAN) Well, something funny's...

What did I Miss?

(WOMAN) Judy? Steve?

(MAN) Hey! (WOMAN SCREAMS)

Oh, sheriff. You scared us.

(SHERIFF) Never mind about that.

(THUNDER) (DIALOGUE INDISTINCT)

♪ (SCARY MUSIC)

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

This is the best part.

(MAN) Judy!

No!

Lieutenant, you wanna come over and take a look at this?

(MAN, ON RADIO) Dispatch, Unit 7.

(SIREN)

Unit 7, come in, please.

Please copy.

Wonderful. Great! Just what I need.

Come again? You're... What?

(SIGNAL BREAKING UP) Uh, request, uh, cadaver...

I can't hear you! No, no, no! I said "missing"!

The body's missing! It's the second one tonight.

Confirmed. That makes two tonight, right, Lieutenant?

Ha, ha. That's very funny. (CHUCKLES)

And you want to shut up about it? (LAUGHING)

(FROGS CROAKING)

(SNARLING)

(GROWLING)

(SNARLS, GROWLS)

(DISTANT THUNDER)


It's been so long.

So very long.


Wake up, old friend.

It is our time.

(THUNDER)

(EXHALES)

Long... time...

...Master.

(HOWLING)

And you put the candle next to your bed like this.

Your Mom did this when you were a little girl?

Uh-huh.

It means "I love you."

And as long as it's here, nothing bad can happen.

Sean says when it lightnings, monsters come.

Oh, he's just trying to scare you, honey.

Will lightning hit the house?

No.

The candle keeps it away?

That's right.

Say goodnight to Scraps.

Goodnight, Scraps.

Good night, Emily. Mwah.

Good night, sweetheart.

Are you gonna yell at him?

Honey... I love your father.

What?

I mean Sean, for scaring me.

Of course you did.

I'll talk to him about it, sweetheart.

Sweet dreams.

You're thinkin' about your job, isn't that right?

I can see it in your eyes, Del.

(DEL) Yeah! I'm glad you can see it in my eyes, 'cause for a minute there I thought I had you fooled.

Come on, this isn't... No, come on!

Look in my eyes. Look in my eyes!

I'll think about stuff, and you can tell me when I'm thinking correctly!

Keep your voice down.

I don't want the children...

I had a lousy night, all right?

Every night I have a lousy night.

I'm sorry it's such a pain in the ass for you with my stupid little job!

I am trying to explain...

Some guy steals a priceless Egyptian Mummy...

That happens every day. Skip that.

Then I get a call from some nutcase who's shouting he's a werewolf!

Huh? You like that?

What do they do? They blow him away right there in the police station!

Wait a minute! There is more to this!

(SHOUTING CONTINUES)

...marriage counseling! For what?

(SHOUTING CONTINUES)

(THUNDER)

(THUNDER)

Wha?

There's a monster in my closet.

Damn, son, look!

All of these monsters!

Come on, all of you monsters, outta here!

Everyone, out of this room! Come... Ahh, ahh!

You, on the bed. Come on. Out. Out. Take a hike.

There he goes.

(SIGHS)

You see any more monsters?

In the closet?

Sure. We can go into the closet.

We can do that.

Okay, monsters!

Whoo!

Look at that big, scary monster!

Ooh!

Listen. You are not gonna sleep with your Mother and me tonight, so you can forget it.

And keep this up, and you're not gonna look at those monster magazines.

Understand?

(CLOSET DOOR OPENS) Uhh?

Okay. We're all here.

What's the deal?

Yeah. What the hell's Monster Squad?

It's us.

We're the Monster Squad.

Since when?

Since now!

What's a "squad"?

It's like Miami Vice, I think.

Look. I think there's monsters.

Like, real ones.

I heard my Dad talking on the telephone to a guy down at the police station.

There was a guy screaming he was a werewolf.

And they shot him. And the body disappeared from the coroner van.

And the coroner guy was dead.

So what? He got shot, and the werewolf took his body?

No, you pinhead! He was a werewolf! Maybe.

But if they shot him...

They must've been regular bullets, not silver ones.

Look, I know this will sound pretty stupid, but a Mummy disappeared from the museum tonight.

Mummy came in my house.

And, guys...

Dracula might be here, too.

Aw, man, Fat Kid farted!

Oh, God. Did not.

Can't you hold it? God!

God damn it, would you shut up?

Did you hear a word I said?

The guys are dead! Get a clue!

Something's out there, and it's killin' people!

And if it's monsters, nobody's gonna do a thing about it but us.

So, what do we do?

Think this book might be important.

Look. It's Van Helsing's diary.

Mom said they found it in an old house on Shadowbrook Road.

But I can't read it. It's all in German.

My sister takes German in high school.

Your sister doesn't speak German. All she does is hang around, and the guys touch her tits.

Your sister wouldn't happen to live next-door, would she?

So what?

That girl's your sister?

So, what do you say? Are we Monster Squad...

...or what?

Cool. All right.

(RUDY) How does that dog get up here, anyways?

(SOFT THUNDER)


(RATS SQUEAKING)

Old friend.

How do you like your new home?

Home.

(LOCK TURNS)

(SIGHS)

I must sleep soon, so listen very carefully.

Van Helsing's diary...

...is missing.

I want you to retrieve it for me.

You understand?

Yes...

Master.

Children... possess it.

I want you to find them and take the diary.

If they do not cooperate...

...you will kill them.

(FAT KID) Gentlemen, I'd just like to say three words Scary German Guy.

Who else are we gonna get to translate this thing?

Come on. Somebody go up and knock.

You knock. You're our leader.

(FAT KID) Firstly, he's scary, okay?

And "B," he's German.

Maybe he doesn't even speak English.

Okay, so what's German for...

"Please don't murder us"?

Bitte, moerden-zie uns nicht.

(HUMMING)

(HEAVY BREATHING)

(FOOTSTEP)

(HEAVY BREATHING)

Boys... time is almost up.

It's your last chance for pie.

(FAT KID) Thanks, Mister, uh, guy. Now, here we go.

I mean... No, thanks.

So? Ja?

Now, where were we?

Ah... Ja.

"The amulet itself is fairly small and carved with intricate symbols."

Oh.

Rather an odd-looking thing, don't you think?

Scary German Guy's bitchin'.

Sir, the thing I don't understand is the part about the equilibrium.

Well, according to this rather curious book you have brought me, "The forces of good and evil..."

Uh, that is a B-17, in case you are wondering.

It's rad!

"Good and evil

"are in constant flux, "back and forth.

"Only once, every hundred years, are these forces balanced."

And what about the amulet?

The amulet, so nearly as I can translate, is "concentrated good."

"It is a talisman which wards off evil and is..." how you say, uh...

"indestructible"?

That means it can't be destroyed.

Or, in any case, normally destroyed. However, and this part is underlined...

"Once every hundred years, "at the stoke of midnight, "the amulet becomes vulnerable, "and at that moment, it can be shattered."

And if it is?

Then the balance between good and evil will shift, and evil will rule.

However, our friend Mr. Van Helsing claims there is a way to stop the forces of darkness.

How?

"If one could gain possession of the amulet before those forces..."

"...then every hundred years,"

"at midnight,"

"there is another option."

"A ceremony which, when followed to the letter,"

"will open a hole"

"into Limbo itself"

"where dwell the damned."

"A vortex,"

"which like a great whirlwind,"

"can swallow the forces of evil forever."

Well... does it describe the procedure at all?

In detail.

This was the last entry.

On this date, he was to battle those forces himself.

Interesting.

It is tomorrow's date, one hundred years ago!

A hundred years ago?

Tomorrow night.

Thank you very much. Thanks.

Bye. Thank you very much for all your time.

Thank you. I expect you boys thought I was some kind of monster myself? Hmm?

A vampire, perhaps?

That's quite all right.

But I am not, you know.

If I were a vampire, then I wouldn't have a reflection.

Now, would I?

Man, you sure know a lot about monsters.

Now that you mention it...

I suppose I do.

(FAT KID) Guys, wait up!

Tomorrow night? What do we have to do again?

Blow a hole in Dumbo?

Limbo, stupid.

So, how do we know the amulet's there, anyway?

Because, you dweeb, Dracula's obviously here looking for it.

If we don't find it before he does, we're beast bait.

Okay, so, say we get the amulet.

Then what?

Wait till midnight... and?

We get a virgin.

A virgin? Yeah.

Okay, right. Then what?

Well, our virgin takes the amulet, reads the magic spell from the book, and, blamo, we blow a hole in Limbo.

That's so easy.

Oh, a cinch. Piece of cake. Yeah.

Rudy. Question.

Shoot.

Know any virgins?

(SEAN) Okay. Rudy, find some silver bullets.

And where the hell am I supposed to find silver bullets?

K-Mart? I don't know. Gimme a break.

Fat Kid, get a map. Find Shadowbrook Road.

What, do I look in the index for "big, scary mansion"?

Oh, you're a riot.

You guys!

How can we trust Scary German Guy?

Why would he lie about a thing like this?

Sean!

Phoebe, have a life. Okay?

You're being a spaz!

Ow! God!

You bit me, you brat!

I'm tellin' Mom on you!

Would ya look?


Huh?

It's okay, you guys!

He's friends with us.

Come on! Don't be chickenshit!

Come on. I want to show you my friends.

Sean, no.

Oh, go for it.

(FAT KID) Sean, are you crazy?

That's a walkin' dead guy.

(PATRICK) Sean, please don't die.

Are... are you dead?

D-Dead?

Does Mom know about him?

No. Only us.

Hey, guys, get over here! He's great!

Huh. Uhh!

Now can I be in the Monster Club?

I can't believe it.

Frankenstein's monster in our clubhouse.

(FAT KID) Let's ask him to leave, okay?

You're not still scared, are you?

Well, he is a little bit gross, Sean.

Scr...

Scra-aps.

I taught him to talk.

Bo-Gus.

Give me... a...break.

Huddle up, you guys.

Sean, we gotta get an adult.

And your Dad's a cop, so if we get your Dad...

(SEAN) Absolutely no grown-ups. Okay?

They'll lock him up in a cage or something.

Dissect him.

Or put him on TV! Fat Kid.

Ha ha ha! Why are you such a lame-oid?

You're the lame one.

(CRACK)

Bogus!

Bogus.

Dudes, check it out.

(WHIMPERS)

Sc...

Scary?

(BARKING)


(EXHALES HEAVILY)

The amulet is in here. Very near, yes.

Oh... Van Helsing, your disciples were very clumsy, trying to hide from me the very thing that is mine.

No hiding, never, from me.

Ah! It's here!

(GRUNTING)

My prize. Oh...

Soon, Van Helsing... soon, the creatures of the night shall rule the world.

And there is no one to stop us!

(ALARM BUZZES)

♪ (UPBEAT ROCK)

♪ I don't wanna go home ♪

♪ I don't wanna leave the floor ♪

♪ Someone turn the lights down ♪

♪ Close the cage and lock the door ♪

♪ We ain't gonna let this feelin' under ♪

♪ We gotta cut loose and turn it up all the way ♪

♪ Rock until you drop ♪

♪ Dance until your heart stops ♪

♪ Rock until you drop ♪

♪ Dance until your feet fall off ♪

♪ I don't want to sit down ♪

♪ I don't need no easy chair ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Someone turn the clock back ♪

♪ We ain't gonna go nowhere ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Now we're gonna go in big like thunder ♪

♪ No one can stop us now ♪

♪ We're goin' all the way ♪

♪ Rock until you drop ♪

♪ Yeah, dance until your heart stops ♪

♪ Oh, rock until you drop ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Dance until your feet fall off ♪

♪ No, no, no ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ We ain't gonna let this feelin' under ♪

♪ Cut it loose and rock some more ♪

♪ Now we're gonna comb this big night under ♪

♪ It's totally rad, it's cool cool ♪

♪ It's cool cool, it's cool ♪

♪ Rock until you drop ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Dance until your heart stops ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Rock until you drop ♪

♪ Yeah, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Dance until your feet fall off ♪

♪ You better rock me ♪

♪ Yeah, rock me ♪

♪ Dance until your heart stops ♪

♪ Everybody, sing it ♪

♪ Rock until you drop ♪

♪ Rockin' dude ♪

♪ Party till your brains fall out ♪

♪ Whoo-oo ♪

♪ Rock until you drop ♪

♪ Rock until you drop ♪

♪ Dance until your heart stops ♪

♪ Party till you die ♪

♪ Rock until you drop ♪

♪ Baby, baby, baby ♪

♪ Dance until your feet fall off ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah, rock ♪

I do regret the dosage, my friend.

Most, um... lethal... by human standards.

But then, um, human standards do not apply, do they?

(CHUCKLES)

Well, uh, I'll, uh, go have a bite while you change into something more, um... comfortable.

(PANTING)

(GASPING)


Last night, near the ambulance crash, get this... eyewitness report Long black hearse. No plates.

You wanna ask me about the hood ornament?

What about the hood ornament?

I thought you'd never ask.

A silver skull.

I consider this an exciting lead.

I am excited. Are you excited? I'm thrilled.

Put out an APB.

I already did.

I'm a very good policeman. You know?

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Crenshaw.

Hurry! Get all your men and send them down to 666 Shadowbrook road!

It's an old mansion!

He's found the amulet! There's... There's no time!

Who the hell is this?

I'm the one they shot last night!

I'm a werewolf now, but...

Have a nice night.

No! No! No! No! Don't hang up!

Uhh! He's gonna kill your son!

(SCREAMING)

(ROARS)

(GROWLING)

(HOWLING)

(DISTANT HOWLING)

Patrick! Come in. Patrick.

Patrick, come in.

Yeah, we're here. Where are you?

We're almost there. Everything set with you?

Know in a minute. Rudy?

Rudy!

This babe is major.

Rudy's in love.

Well, good for Rudy.

(DISTANT HOWLING)

Thanks a lot, Pete.

(BARKS)

Okay, remember... rendezvous position "A", 2200 hours. Uhh...

Say what?

10:00, doofus.

How do we know the amulet's there, anyway?

We don't, but it's all we have to go on. Sean.

Okay. Well. Good luck, butt love. Sean.

I know you are, but what am I? Sean.

Out.

What, Eugene?

Creature stole my Twinkie.

So?

What did you want to ask me?

What do we want to ask you.

Okay. Um, Sis... me and Ru...

Rudy?

Your show, Ace.

Okay.

We just wanted to know...

(COUGHING) if you're a virgin. What?

(COUGHS)

Okay. What we want to know is... are you a... (BLUBBERS)

Ahem. Look.

What your brother is so delicately attempting to inquire, and let me, out of my own personal curiosity, is the degree to which you may have or... have not, at some point in time...

...been dorked?

You guys are sick!

(GASPS)

Guess what.

Fox Photo's got a two-for-one deal this week, and wouldn't you know it, there's a space on the bulletin board right between the prom committee notes... and the football roster.

(FAT KID) Sean.

About this Monster Squad thing.

Maybe we could go back to the clubhouse and rethink it with the other guys.

Fat Kid... you're bein' a wuss.

Wuss?

Can it, Frank.

Time's runnin' out.

(WHISPERING) Sean, no!

Scary house... real monsters... us...12 years old? Remember?

Midnight... end of world. Remember?

Master... is near.

Master wants children dead.

Um, Sean?

Maybe we could be like Math Squad instead, you know... do math problems. Stay home.

Or Nature Squad.

We could look at rocks, collect birds.

Not be dead. See, it's this whole death thing I'm not crazy about.

(HINGES SQUEAKING)


(CHUCKLES) Well... no amulet.

Let's go.

Look. We got two consolations.

Number one, Frankenstein's on our side.

And number two, my Dad's a cop.

Anybody fools around with us, he kicks their ass.

Hey, Frankie.

Come on.

(LOUD STEP, BOARDS CREAK)

(EXPLOSION)

Frank!

Wake up! Wake up!

(SEAN) Eugene, get away from there!

He won't wake up!

Fat Kid, use your eyes. Does it look like you can help him?

But... But what do I do, Sean?

A monster!

Don't call him a monster.

Well... what if he's dead?

Then he died to help us.

Now, look.

I'm the leader of this squad, so listen up.

He said Dracula knows we're here.

So let's just try to find the amulet...

...and get the hell outta here.

(ROARS)

Sean! Aah!

Kick him in the nards! What?

Kick him in the nards!

He doesn't have nards! Do it! Do it!

Wolf man's got nards!

Come on! Come on!

(GROWLING) Oh...

(BARKING)

(FAT KID WHIMPERS)

Aah! (THUNDER)

(HISSING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

(GROWLS)

What are you doin'? Haven't you read The Hardy Boys?

You pull some lever down and a secret door opens!

You gotta be kidding! You have a better idea?

♪ (ROCK)

(CHATTER, LAUGHTER)

(HORN BLOWS)

(PATRICK) Come on, Sean.

Damn! Where is he?

Where are you? Come in!

Sean!

Where are you, Sean?

10:00. They're late.

Maybe the monsters got them.

"Maybe the monsters got them."

(ALL SCREAMING)

Can we go home, Sean? Oh, great.

Please? Can't we go home? Just great.

Frankenstein's dead, Eugene's whining, and we're sitting here with Pirate Bill.

(EUGENE) Come on, Sean. Man, we're dead.

(FAT KID) Eugene, stop it.

Bingo.


You guys, I got it!

Give it to me.

Give it to me!

Aah! (BARKING)

Get out of here! Get out of here!

Help! (PETE BARKS)

Give it to me!

Aah!

Garlic! Come on! Get outta here!

(DRACULA SCREAMS)

(GASPING)

(PHOEBE) You guys, we got Scary German Guy to help us!

The cavalry! Thank Christ.

Yeah, we figured you guys were in trouble.

It was boss! I saw Dracula!

And I kicked Wolf man in the nards... Fat Kid, bag it. Okay?

(SEAN) Is she a virgin? Why don't you put it on the 6:00 news, you little shit?

Yeah, she is.

Perhaps we should all go back to my place for some pie.

The book was right.

Don't you see? It's all true!

We found the amulet, but now there's monsters after us.

We gotta go to a place where there's a lot of people.

Church. What?

Church! He's right.

There's an old church in the town Plaza.

Perfect.

Monsters hate religious stuff.

Del.

Del. Del!

Look, I'm sorry.

What, you tryin' to tell me that we're gonna go all the way out to Shadowbrook Road because you get a call from some guy who tells you he's a werewolf?

Ha ha ha! Ho ho!

Look, I'm sorry.

I guess it's feasible, Del.

Listen to me. Come on, man.

I apologize. All right? Ha ha ha!

(SIREN)

Look! It's 20 minutes till midnight!

We pull this off, I'm gonna shit!

(ALL SCREAM)

(SCREAMING, SHOUTING)

Holy shit!

Jesus Christ!

Give me some slack! What are you doing?

Patrick, just give me some slack! No!

You're closer! Just give me some slack! No way!

Don't be a wuss!

Okay!

Aah!

(SHOUTING AND SCREAMING)

Come on! Hurry!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Yes! Come on! Let go! Let go!

Let go of her! Let go! Aah!

Go! Go!

Go! Look at that! It's dust!

Come on! Yes! Come on!

Go! Whoa!

See you later... Band-Aid breath.

Whoo-hoo!

Del, I don't know if you're aware of this, but we're going a hundred miles an hour!

I notice little things like that.

I'm a very good policeman. You know that?

(SIREN)

(MOTOR RACING)

Aah! Aah!

(SIREN STOPS)

(PANTING)

I'm not sayin' anything.

(GASPING) Not a single word.

I appreciate that.


Meeting adjourned.

(SIREN)

(WOMAN, ON RADIO) Dispatch to Unit 28. Please respond.

Freeze!

You move, and I'll kill you!

(RICH) Dispatch, we got a 10-35.

Send backup! Hurry it up!

Del! Get outta there!

(WHISPERS) That's enough.

I will have your son.

(SQUEAKING)

Del?

Del?

D-Del, what's happening?

What?

The kids.

Sean?

Phoebe.

Phoebe?

Sean!

Phoebe!

Sean, can you hear me?

Where are you?

Sean! Can you hear me? Where are you?

Dad! I'm here! We're almost to Town Square.

Hurry up!

Don't kick the church! It's religious!

It's locked is what it is.

Fine.

Okay.

We'll just have to do it right here.

Like, really religious, Sean.

Why don't we just go over and do it in Burger King?

You guys!

(THUNDER)

(SEAN) Oh, shit!

Patrick, come on!

Okay, come on, read the book. Go!

Okay! Read! Go!

Wait! Read!

I'm flunking German!

Read it in German. Try.

(READING IN GERMAN) (SPEAKING GERMAN)

Damn! Really, you should read it!

He's not a virgin, you stupid!

Did you ask him?

Where you goin', Rudy?

I'm in the God damn club, aren't I?

(PATRICK) I don't believe this!

(SISTER) Will you speak English? I can't understand you!

Come on! Drunken munchkin warehouse!

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

Yeah, yeah, what he said!

Okay, skanks, come and get it.

Aah!

I don't believe this.

Unh!

Uhh!

(SCARY GERMAN GUY) Please read! (FAT KID) Oh, shit!

Sean, look out!

Dad!

You stay there!

(RASPY BREATHING)

My God.

(GURGLING)

Aah...

(DRACULA GURGLING)

Suck on this, you son of a bitch.

(ROAR)

(GROWLING)

Aah!

Hey, asshole.

You looked.

It's okay.

All right, let's try it again, now, shall we?

Look, you've got me upset!

Read it? Come on, read!

(GROWLING)

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

Oh, my God!

I said it!

Ho ho! All right!

You did! I have absolutely no idea how!

(CHUCKLES) I...

Where's Limbo?

(GROWLS SOFTLY)

(HOWLING)

We just went through some major shit, and where's the big Limbo thing?

(SIREN APPROACHING)

(POLICEMAN) Jesus... Christ!

Holy shit! Kid, watch it!

(GROWLING)

Let's get him! Let's go!

(GROWLING)

Go! Go!

Are you absolutely sure that she is...

You're not a virgin, are you?

No? No, what do you mean, no?

Well... Steve, but he doesn't count!

Doesn't count?

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

(GROWLING) Bang.

(GASPING)

God.

Thank you.

Told ya.

Only one way to kill a werewolf.

(ROARING)

What?

Is she a vershion?

She? A virgin?

Yes! A virgin! We'll use the girl!

She can't read! She's five years old!

I'll help her!

(SNARLING)

Yah!

(ROARING)

E.J.!

Uhh! Uhh! Unh!

Let me in, E.J.! Let me in!

(THUMPING)

(ROARING)

Hey! Fat Kid!

Good job.

My name... is Horace.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

(REPEATING GERMAN)

(READING IN GERMAN)

(REPEATING IN GERMAN)

(BOTH CONTINUE SPEAKING GERMAN)

Don't look up.

Don't look up.

(SPEAKING GERMAN) (CRYING)

Hey! Hey, hold it right there a minute.

(SPEAKING GERMAN) Hey! I said to stop right there.

Aah!

(CRACK)

Ohh! Aah! Ohh!

Aah!

Aah!

(SCARY GERMAN GUY CONTINUES CHANTING)

Aah! No!

(CRYING)

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

Uhh!

Phoebe! Dad, no!

Phoebe! Oh, no!

Phoebe!

Give me the amulet, you bitch!

Aah!

(HISSING)

Phoebe! That's my daughter!

Aah!

(HISSING)

(CHOKING)

Bogus.

Aah!

Phoebe.

(BOTH SPEAKING GERMAN)

(GASPS)

Aah! Aah!

Die! Aah!

No!

Dad!

No!

Sean!

(HISSING) Sean!

(CHOKING)

Uhh! Uhh!

Sean! Please! Aah!

(GROWLING)

(SCREAMING)

Aah!

Whoa!

Unh! Uhh!

Aah!

No!

(GRUNTS)

Don't go!

Don't go away!

Phoebe!

Phoebe. Don't go!

Don't go!

Bye...

Don't go away, Frankenstein!

Please don't go!

Please!

Please don't go away, Frankenstein!

Bye.


(POLICE RADIO CHATTER)

Mommy! (LAUGHS)

Del.

She's fine.

Hey, sweetheart.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(WHIMPERS)

(SHOUTING)

Who's Eugene?

All right, son... where are they?

Where are the monsters?

The Mummy came in my house.

Can somebody tell me what the Sam Hell is goin' on around here?

Well, we can, Sir.

Well, who are you?

We're the Monster Squad.

♪ (ROCK PERCUSSION)

All right, pal!

Yeah! Whoo-hoo!

♪ Gotta get up, gotta get out ♪ Who the hell is she?

Yeah!

♪ In a hundred years, in the darkest night ♪

♪ The forces of evil come out to fight ♪

♪ The amulet they must destroy ♪

♪ Or spend forever in the darkest void ♪

♪ Who can stop their deadly might? ♪

♪ Who will stand up for the right?

♪ From the mouth of babes comes dynamite ♪

♪ The Monster Squad gonna groove tonight ♪

♪ First came Dracula, now the Wolf man, too ♪

♪ Mummy and the creature from the Black Lagoon ♪

♪ We need silver bullets, we need wooden stakes ♪

♪ Normal stuff won't stop 'em 'cause they live on hate ♪

♪ Speak some magic words from a virgin's lips ♪

♪ Maybe that'll shake 'em, make 'em slip and trip ♪

♪ There's no turnin' back, gotta fight the fight ♪

♪ Yeah, the Monster Squad gonna get 'em tonight ♪

♪ Monster Squad ♪

♪ We're the Monster Squad, and the forces of evil ♪

♪ Better run and hide ♪

♪ Monster Squad ♪

♪ We're the Monster Squad, and the forces of evil ♪

♪ Best beware of the Monster Squad ♪

♪ Gotta get up, gotta get out ♪

♪ We got work to do ♪

♪ Work to do ♪

♪ Gotta get up, gotta get out ♪

♪ We got work to do, work to do ♪

♪ Mama can't help us, Dad don't understand ♪

♪ No one will believe it ♪

♪ Put it in our hands ♪

♪ Gotta stop those creatures, send them back to hell ♪

♪ Or there's no tomorrow, no saved by the Bell ♪

♪ There's no place to run, nowhere to hide ♪

♪ Now it's time to see what you got inside ♪

♪ No evil will escape my sight ♪

♪ Yeah, the Monster Squad gonna jam tonight ♪

♪ This ain't Halloween or some phony deal ♪

♪ They be playin' for keeps, they be playin' for real ♪

♪ They want darkness spread all across the land ♪

♪ We're the only ones left to make a stand ♪

♪ We don't wanna hang with the walkin' dead ♪

♪ So we gotta kick some monster butt instead ♪

♪ And you'll never see such a ghastly sight ♪

♪ When the Monster Squad saves the world tonight ♪

♪ Monster Squad ♪

♪ We're the Monster Squad, and the forces of evil... ♪