The Nutty Professor (1963) Script

Miss Lemmon! Miss Lemmon!

Oh. Well. Oh! Dr. Warfield.

Miss Lemmon, get Professor Kelp in here immediately.

But Dr. Warfield, I think that Professor Kelp has a class right now.

He had a class. Can't you hear? Now, get him!

Get the axe. Get the axe.

All right, men. All together, the door.

Look out! Look out! Look out!

Oh. Oh, for... I beg your pardon. Oh.

Oh, this is terrible. Oh.

Oh.

Oh, my. Oh.

Oh, my.

Professor Kelp?

Are you all right?

And if you are, where are you all right?

Oh.

Oh, my.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, Dr. Warfield wants to see you in his office.

Dr. Warfield wants... Yes, right away.

I used too much...


Kelp.

How long have you been on the faculty of this university?

Oh, well, I would say...

...oh, prior to my exposure as a student counselor at USC, three years...

No, I went to postgrad, naturally. That was two years prior...

No, there was a botany exposure that I had in one particular school.

I had decided premed, botany, whatever.

I would much prefer the sciences, in other words.

I think I should really go back to the time that I graduated college...

How long?

Two years and 22 minutes now.

Kelp, as I recall upon your arrival here, I told you, along with the other new members of the faculty, that I will not stand for any member of my staff utilizing the facilities of this university for his or her own personal experiments.

Did I not make myself perfectly clear?

Good. I knew my memory served me well.

And Kelp, wasn't it approximately six weeks later that you conducted a rather interesting little experiment before your class?

Let me see. I think it had something to do with an additive to gasoline for the purpose of increasing the efficiency of the combustion engine. Right?

Yes, it was something to that effect, Dr. Warfield.

And do you happen to recall what that additive was?

Yes, as a matter of fact, now that you bring it up, the additive was, specifically, three parts carbon, five parts hydrogen, one part nitrogen and three parts oxygen.

Which, of course, is? Nitroglycerin.

The results were? Negative.

And? Noisy?

Noisy?

It was the worst explosion in the history of this or any other university.

Kelp, that was two years ago, and they're still talking about it on the campus today.

Now that you mention that, Dr. Warfield, I saw young Phips the other day.

You recall Arnold Phips was in my class that day.

Oh, yes. Really? What'd he have to say?

Well, he said he's feeling much better, and that the bandages should be off in about two weeks.

Oh, well, a couple... Exactly! That's exactly what I mean.

You are a menace.

Professor Kelp.

Believe me, I know what I'm talking about. Kelp, it's human nature. Kelp, people just don't like teachers blowing up their kids!

Kelp, try to understand that I understand...

...that scientists and creators have their little eccentricities.

Einstein hated haircuts.

Da Vinci loved to paint. And Newton?

He had something to do with figs, didn't he?

So therefore, I, too, realize that you have many of these same eccentricities.

Try leaving them in the locker when you come in in the morning, professor.

And by all means, feel free to take them home with you at night.

All right, Kelp.

Simmer down and relax.

I'm sure that we won't have to have another little talk like this again.

Am I correct in assuming this?

Oh, without question, you're absolutely...

Yes, we'll never have to correct our talk.

We won't ever speak... That is, we'll never have to talk again.

We just never will discuss talking.

We shouldn't really converse about speaking.

Professor, our discussion has come to an end.

Oh, thank you very much, doctor.

Kelp? Yes.

Your watch. Does it...

...always?

Oh, well, no, just... Just when I open...

Those are your greens.

Fine. How are you?

"Therefore, through history, "man has been curious..."

Professor Kelp? Yes, Worfshefski.

I... I have to go... You have to go?

And since when did you find it necessary to ask permission to go?

No, well, what I meant to say, Professor Kelp, was that I have to go to football practice.

Football practice?

At this hour? What about your studies?

Well, Mr. Coughman, the coach, well, he asked me to try and get off my first class this morning because...

Get off your first class?

Did he now? To get off your first class. Mr. Worfshefski, had you learned anything in your first class, and I am in reference to the elementary class, you might not be in such dire need of learning now.

Your request is denied.

Please be good enough to sit down, and I don't want to hear another word about your stupid practice.

You didn't have no call to go yelling at me like that, Professor Kelp.

Worfshefski, I might have been a little rash.

And that wasn't very nice when you said that my practice was stupid.

No, I might have meant that I was stupid in assuming that practice was stupid.

Naughty, naughty, naughty... Now, Worfshef...

...teacher. Well, no, you shouldn't be upset.

Worfshefski, you're breaking my... Oh, there goes the tibia.

Worfshefski, you're a... Worfshefski.

You must realize that... You must realize what you're do...

You don't realize what you're doing, Worfshefski.

Really. Worfshefski, you don't realize what you're doing.

Well, just don't do something, sit there.

Well, that is... Class dismissed.

You may go.

Can I be of any assistance, Professor Kelp?

Oh...

Thank you, Miss Purdy.

You're very, very considerate.

Actually, I would appreciate the assistance, for were it not for your assisting me, I might very well be here all semester.

Well...

Let's start with the book. Yeah, that... I don't...

Oh, I...

You have to be...

Wait, it's connected. You better not press that.

Just pull it right out, Miss Purdy. Oh. That really snapped.

Oh, I'm sorry, professor. That's all right. Just...

No, try and lean... Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

No, let me just...

Let me have this arm. Just, may I have that arm?

Oh, yes. All right, now you just hold some of the body.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Miss Purdy.

Are you all right, professor?

Oh, yes, I've... This is very embarrassing, Miss Purdy.

Why don't you call me Stella, professor.

Oh, I thought it was Stella Purdy.

Oh, you mean to call you Stella, yes.

How stupid of me. I'm sorry.

All right, I will, stupid... Stella.

I'm very upset. It's very embarrassing.

Honestly, professor.

You shouldn't let a big ox like that bother you.

He's the typical bully that loves picking on a small man.

Ye... Yes, you're right, Miss Purdy.

But you had best run along, or you'll miss your next class.

You're sure you're all right?

Oh, yes, I'm... As I said, I'm just embarrassed. I'm fine. Thank you.

Miss Pur...

Oh!

Miss Pur... Excuse me. The...

He's a typical bully that loves picking on a small man.

Picking on a small man. Picking on a small man. Picking on a small man.


I think I broke this...


You're going the wrong way, sir.

This is the gym. I take it you're new?

Well, I'm not brand-new. No, I mean a new student.

Oh.

I'm terribly sorry, sir. Are you hurt?

Well, actually...

...if you would say that a man with an ulcer had a nail in his shoe and a splinter in his finger, was then struck by lightning, if you could say that that man was not hurt, then yes, you would say I'm not hurt.

Good. By the way, we don't wear glasses at Vic Tanny's.

Oh, well, fine. Then I'll just take these off.

I didn't realize that you're not suppose to...

There's nowhere really that I have to...

Is there someplace that I could put?

Would you like me to put these in a locker for you?

Well, I certainly would appreciate that. You're very kind.

I would have put them there had I known that there was some form of restriction. that there was some form of restriction.

Some people use them for a façade. I wear them for eyes, you see.

"Four eyes"? It's a play on "eyes".

Well, I hope I did nothing wrong by wearing them.

You see, I just didn't realize...

If we could get started, I do have a class, and I do have to get going.

Come along with me. Wonderful.

Well, I hope you understand I've never done this before, and I don't even know where to begin.

We start right here.

Oh, identical twins.

No, that's a pulley machine.

A... Oh, a pulley machine? Well, what does it do?

You pull it.

Fifteen or 20 pulls to begin with.

Oh, I see, well... And take it easy.

Oh, take it easy, naturally, I... I wouldn't strain myself for the world.

Well, thank you very, very much.

You're welcome. Happy muscles.

Yes, I certainly do.

Oh, yes, I've seen that in those magazines.

Oh, that's very invigorating.

Oh, that's terrific.

Oh, I'm going to have a great deal of fun with this, I can tell.

The various aspects, of course, is relativity to hydrogen.

There is hydrogen, duly explosive and more devastating than the atomic.

There is equally the devastation in nitrogen.

Nitrogen equally...


I... I couldn't help but notice...

I was standing here... That's amazing, the way that you push those things up there, that... It must take a great deal of patience.

And a little muscle.

Oh, yes. Well, you certainly are... Yes, you are...

I'd love to be able to... I... I would really enjoy trying that sometime.

I... I don't think you'd have the patience for it.

Oh, well, I have the other thing you mentioned, a little muscle.

I say, that was sort of a corker.

Here, enjoy yourself.

I... I suspect it was somewhat heavier than I...

...lutely uncanny.

Yes, I am inclined to agree with you, doctor, but there are a couple of specific points that I did neglect to mention.

Specifically, the day that I went to Vic Tanny, I got on the scale, as they normally do, you know, to check in and so on, and I weighed 153 pounds.

And then after six months, I weighed myself on that very same scale, and I found that I weighed 151.

Very interesting, Professor Kelp.

But I must admit, I am somewhat surprised at a man with your education and background to be intimidated by a bully to this extent.

Plus the fact you must know:

Only some men react to bodybuilding exercise, whereas others just don't.

Come, come, professor. Revenge can't be that important to you.

No, oh, I... I must... I must take objection there, doctor.

Revenge might have been the motivating force, but I feel now that curiosity has taken over where revenge began.

I am... I am more or less being compelled by completing something that I started.

I must finish what I start, finish what I start.

I can't say I don't admire a man who likes to see something through, but if your six months have failed, what do you propose to do now?

Oh, I... I actually don't know, doctor.

That's why I wanted to come in and see you, you see.

I had one plan, and I thought I would just mention it to you.

Chemistry is probably, for the most part, what I know best.

That's all I know, really, is chemistry.

And some of the finest pharmaceutical companies in the world make bodybuilding minerals, vitamins, chemicals, all based on chemistry.

And therefore, I felt I would approach it from a chemistry standpoint.

If I may prove a point, I'd like to show you here...

Oh, professor. Excuse me.

I seem to have run out of time.

I'm due at the hospital. I hope you'll pardon me.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, doctor. I never realized the time.

As a matter of fact, I have a class.

So you go right ahead and don't worry.

But I'd like to browse around if it's all right with you.

Not at all.

I hope you find what you're looking for.

You're terribly kind, doctor. Thank you very much.

Let's see. There should be anatomy, body structure, structure, body, muscle.


"Man's growth, physically and mentally."

"The man's mind, from childhood right through old age, never stops growing.

"Not in size or by measure, "but by constant learning and knowledge."

"On the other hand, man's body does stop at a precise point, "that of completion in the structure of the anatomy.

"Yet we have learned, through chemistry...

"...man can grow further with the aid of additional elements."


Seven weeks and 13 experiments have gone by with little or no strides made.

But today, I'm certain my formula will work.

So certain, that I plan trying it on myself tonight.

Tonight.

Oh, I'm real... Oh, Miss Purdy.

I'm terribly sorry. Here...

Just let me get you up there, dear.

Just... That's just ridiculous.

I never... I just swung the door... That's quite all right, professor.

...right open, dear. Here you are, that's...

It just knocked the breath out of me. I hope...

That was so stupid of me. I'm perfectly all right. No harm done.

Oh, well, that's fine. Professor?

By the way, did anyone remember to invite you for tonight?

Invite me?

I don't think so... No. Where?

Well, the class is gonna have a midterm celebration tonight at The Purple Pit. We'd love having you join us.

Thank you, Miss Purdy, it's terribly considerate and kind of you, and I appreciate it and all that.

And I have always said that I feel there should be a closer interrelationship between the student and the faculty based on better learning.

Yet at the same time, I'm sure you're aware that The Purple Pit is off-limits to the faculty of the university.

Didn't you know that, Miss Purdy?

Oh, I forgot. I'm sorry, professor.

But I guess the reason it slipped my mind is that The Purple Pit has never been what it's supposed to be, by reputation, anyway.

You know, I, too, have heard it's a wild, terrible place, when it's really just a quaint little spot where the students can go to talk and relax and just generally get acquainted.

And when you really get down to it, it's quite dull.


Hey, Stella, couldn't you talk old Kelp into making the scene with us?

Can you imagine the professor here in The Pit? He would break into a rash.

Oh, don't be too sure.

Professor Kelp's just the kind of guy who might fool you.

I bet he likes to get out on his own a little bit.

I'll bet you right now he's...

...probably on his way to some secret rendezvous with a mysterious dark-haired female.


Come in, Julius.

How are you tonight, Jennifer?

How are you tonight, Julius? I'm just fine.

I'm Julius.

Now, be very, very quiet, Jennifer.

We have a lot of work to do.

Tonight's the big night.

Be very quiet.

He's got a lot of work to do.

Tonight's the big night.

The big night.


Well, we're just about ready, Jennifer.

You might be ready, Julius.

But if I were you, I'd think about it.

Think. Think. Better think.

Better think about it.


I told you, Julius.

I told you, Julius.

I told you, Julius.

I told you...


Thank you very much, sir.

We know you'll be very happy. And you look...

...just stunning.

And we'll have your other suits and things no later than next week.


What'll it be? Oh, that's no way to talk.

"What'll it be?"

That's no way to treat a customer. Come here.

Try it like this.

Pay attention. You'll feel better, and the customers'll be happier.

Try this: "What'll it be, hmm?"

Try that. Come on, we haven't got all night.

Try it.

What'll it be, hmm?

Good! That was wonderful.

Did anyone ever tell you you couldn't sing?

Nice. Make me an Alaskan Polar Bear Heater, on the double.

Come on, come on.

Say, why don't you pick on somebody your own disposition?

Oh, please, Mr. Barroom Brawler...

...don't hurt me or anything like that.

Did you say a Polar Bear Heater?

No, you said it. I said an Alaskan Polar Bear Heater.

I never heard of that.

Until now. Until now.

All right, pay attention.

Two shots of vodka. Two shots of vodka.

A little rum. Little rum.

Some bitters. A little bitters.

And a smidgen of vinegar!

A smidgen of... Are you gonna drink this here, or are you gonna take it home and rub it on your chest?

Hey, that was terrific.

Hey, did you hear that, folks? A regular George Bernard Shaw.

Good boy! And he did it all by himself. You did it all by yourself, and nobody helped you. That's terrific.

And with your very own big mouth. Now, if you don't want this cocktail shaker to become a part of your gums, mix the drink, shut your mouth and pay attention! Is that clear? Repeat after me:

I'll... I'll...

I'll pay... I'll pay...

I'll pay attention. I'll pay attention.

All right, let's continue.

Shot of vermouth. A shot of vermouth.

A shot of gin. A little gin.

A little brandy. A little brandy.

Lemon peel. A lemon peel.

Orange peel. Some orange peel.

Cherry.

Some more Scotch. Some more Scotch.

Now, mix it nice.

Then pour it into a tall glass.

Hey, I never tried one of these. Do you mind if I take a sip?

No, go right ahead.

Not bad.


Hi.

I don't know of any place in the world that's better to get to know a lovely lady like yourself than on the dance floor.

I hope you don't refuse.

I'm sorry, I'm... I'm with...

Hey. Now, you move along, sonny. She is with us.

Sit down, sit down.

Come here, honey. Stand up here a minute, will you?

Just over there. I'll be right back.

Now, we don't want any trouble, do we?

Why don't you sit like nice boys.

Would you like me to go to Dr. Warfield, my personal friend, and tell him of your bad manners?

He would be very displeased.

Well, cool it.

And if you're real nice lads, cute little chappies, later on, I'll let you twirl my key chain.

Now, relax.

It's all straight, baby. Put your arm up there. Right there.

Remember how they do that in the movies?

They walk like high-class. Go ahead, come on, come on, come on.

Dancing, nice, with hugging. It's wonderful. Clear the floor.


I know what you're thinking.

"Where has he been all my life?"

Right?

No, not exactly.

And...

...that you're happy the way I handled those three goons, right?

Well...

...normally, I would have belted them.

But I didn't want to muss myself all up and have you dance with a sloppy guy.

Dig?

Well, then you restrained yourself just for little old me.

I knew you'd appreciate it.

I do a lot of nice things.

Well, is that really the case, or is this line 27-A for young college girls?

Now, you see?

You went and done it.

For one of the rare times in my life when I dig down into the soul.

And you doubt my veracity.

Well, that hurts.

Well...

...it's not your veracity that I doubt.

The music stopped. Yeah, I heard.

Hold it a second. Hold it. Hold... Ho... Ho... Hold it.

We'll make our own music, gorgeous. Just hold it.

You and you, stay.

Tubby, you go rest your thumbs. I'll drive.

Sweetie, go get your lips pressed. Split.

Will you listen? You listen.

Sit down here, and if you listen, you'll be thrilled.

Believe you me.

Sit and listen and watch.

Mood is wrong. Mood is wrong!

Innkeeper! Got sexy lights?

Lay it on me.

Better. Better.

Now, watch, baby.

Every move a picture.

That old black magic Has me in its spell That old black magic That you weave so well Those icy fingers Up and down my spine The same old witchcraft When your eyes meet mine The same old tingle That I feel inside And then that elevator Starts its ride And down, down, down I go Round, round, round I go Like a leaf that's caught in the tide I should stay away But what can I do?

I hear your name And I'm aflame Aflame with such A burning desire That only your kiss Can put out the fire You're the lover I have waited for You're the mate that fate Had me created for Baba doo boo whee And every time Your lips meet mine Baby, down and down and down I go Round and round and round I go In a spin Loving the spin that I am in Under that old black magic called Old black magic called Old black magic called Love Love Love

Back. Back!

Thank you, kiddies. You're all very, very nice little boys and girls.

And if you're real nice, tomorrow night I just might ration out a little more of this rare talent.

Now, back to your seats. Back.

Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on.

Back, back, back!

They're nice kids. All nice.

All nice kids.

They have very, very good taste, I might add.

I'm glad.

It would be a shame to waste the genius of yours on the riffraff.

Well, honey, I always say, if you're good, and you know it, why waste time beating around the bush. True?

And I always say that to love yourself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

And after watching you, I know that you and you will be very happy together.

Just a minute, sweetheart. I don't recall dismissing you.

You rude, discourteous egomaniac.

You're crazy about me, right? And I can understand it.

Only this morning, looking in the mirror before shaving, I enjoyed seeing what I saw so much, I couldn't tear myself away.

Have some, baby?

If I were your baby, I'd be swinging from a tree.

Oh, Stella, that's not nice.

How do you know my name?

Oh, well, we were introduced.

No, we weren't introduced, or I would have remembered your name.

Now, just tell me how you knew mine.

Oh, well, you've heard of ESP, extrasensory perception?

I'm a firm believer in ESP.

Hey, buddy. You really sang up a storm.

Yeah, I know. Yeah.

Thanks a lot.

Well, you heard him.

Everybody knows Buddy.

Buddy? Yeah.

Well, is that it?

Or do you find it difficult remembering two of them?

Hey, you're kooky. That was cute.

"Do you find it difficult remembering two of them?"

Wonderful, sweetie. I knew you'd be a barrel of laughs.

No, I don't find it difficult remembering two of them.

Buddy...

...Love. That's it.

Buddy Love.

Buddy Love?

Of the Los Angeles Loves.

But that's of no consequence. What do you say we make a move?

Make a move where? You have a car?

Of course I have a car. Crazy.

Let's split.

Let's split what?

Is it a new car?

Well, maybe not brand-new. I've driven it a whole week.

Nutty. Let's go.


Here you are, baby. Take this, wipe the lipstick off, slide over here next to me, and let's get started.

We have started and finished, buster.

And now, for an encore, get an earful of the following:

I'll admit you're a very sharp-looking guy, and you certainly have that proverbial gift of gab.

And the only reason I've gone this far, I think, is because when you meet someone who is like nothing you've ever met before, your curiosity gets stirred up.

Well, mister, this is one kitten that won't be smitten by that little old devil.

So you can just turn this car right around and take me right back where you picked me up.

That is, where we met.

I said, wipe the lipstick off.

Was it something I said?

You must be deranged.

Yeah, if you don't believe in idle chatter and a lot of small talk, yeah, I'm deranged.

Or would you prefer that I conduct myself like the little boys you're accustomed to dating?

Now, you know darn well that nothing delights us more than being enjoyed, appreciated or just plain liked by someone, right?

Well, you're not gonna tell me...

...that you're here with me now because...

...I don't appeal to you.

And I'm sure that you can see I dig you pretty good too.

Right?

Well, isn't it easier to say so?

Or would you much prefer that I used a lot of that phony dialogue I'm sure you've heard at least a half a dozen times before.

So you see, Stell, when I tell you that you're a vibrant, beautiful, exciting woman, you can believe me.

You can bet it's the truth, because I'd have to be a complete idiot not to want to hold you...

...and kiss you and make our time together a warm and wonderful moment that could grow and develop...

...into many moments, many hours, and into something really important.

Nobody ever said anything like that to me before.

Nor can I ever remember a more honest approach to two people being together.

Well, that's what I've been trying to get you to understand.

Actually, I've never had...

Have... That is...

What I mean is...

Miss Purdy.

Oh, Miss Purdy.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, professor.

That's perfectly all right, Miss Purdy. I hope I didn't wake you.

I do not recall excluding you from the other members of the class from taking this test, Miss Purdy.

I'm terribly sorry, professor.

I was just getting ready to start.

Oh, we were just getting ready to start.

Splendid, splendid. Just getting ready.

All right, students, please be aware that the test papers must go on my desk for marking.

Also, please be equally aware of tomorrow's problem, H2O plus NO2, as we did the other day, if you recall.

I'm awfully sorry, professor, and if it would be agreeable with you, I'd like to stay after my last class and take the test.

Well, that's highly irregular, Miss Purdy, but we... We'll probably...

Are you all right, Miss Purdy?

I'll know better tonight.

I mean, yes, sir, I'm quite all right.

Oh, fine, then...

Then I'll see you tonight...

That is, after your last class, as you said, to take the test.

Yes. Fine.

I'll hold your paper for you. Thank you.

You're quite welcome.

Be certain that it's after your last class, and I'll be marking these papers accordingly.


Professor!

Oh, yes, Gibson.

I've got that book you asked for.

Oh, thank you very much. My pleasure.

Yeah, wonderful. Oh.

Now, then...

...as you might very well recall, yesterday, in discussing biology, the long legs of the beetle and the wonderful body of the ant...

No, no, that is... What I meant to say was, the beautiful hair of the blond fish...

No, actually, their...

No. Their... The legs, they...

Terrific-looking.

I am completely aware of what chemistry and drugs can do to assist and aid the body and mind.

Yet I don't really believe that what has happened to me comes strictly from chemistry.

There must be an explanation for this phenomenon.

Jennifer? Hi, sweetie.

I knew I was on the right track, but I never ever figured on anything like this.

I must have hit on heredity.

Yep.

That's it, heredity.

Let's see.

Elmer?

Elmer!

If you're not in here in just ten seconds, your dinner will go to your family, the hogs!

Elm!

Don't you sneak up on me.

I... I... I was just finishing the ironing of your underthings...

...Edwina.

Darling.

Love?

Angel?

All the other nice things I wish I could think of to call you, so you...

...won't hit or yell.

Honey?

Honey?!

Don't you "honey" me, you...

You artificial son of a lizard.

Now, sit down!

And for the third time today, make a slob of yourself trying to find your mouth!

Idiot!

Can't you eat with your mouth closed?

Not until I get something in it, dearest.

What was that?

Nothing. Nothing. It's quite all right.

You're right. You're always right.

My poor da-da.

My poor da-da.

Well, Jennifer, if that's what's to be, then I'll be it.

You know what they say, Julie, baby:

Que será será.

Oh, Jennifer, you know what I'm thinking?

If this formula were to fall into the wrong hands, the consequences could be devastating.

Now, it's much, much too complicated to memorize and far too vitally important to destroy.

Now, the only two people that I know that I can trust are my mother...

...and my father.

What I should do...

...is mail my formula, the copy, to Mother and Father, with instructions that were anything to happen to me, they are to send the copy of the formula and my original copy to Washington.

George or Martha? No, Washington D...

You're a silly bird...

...with a big mouth.


Professor Kelp. Yes?

I'm ready, professor. Oh, that's very... Yes... What?

Did you forget about my test? Oh, no.

Actually, no. I'm terribly sorry. I did... I had another thing.

Why don't you sit down at your table, dear, and I'll get your paper.

I actually didn't really forget.

I...

...have so many members of the...

...class, it's difficult to...

Oh, yes, here we are.

It's very difficult to...

You do want me to take the test?

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Miss Purdy.

Certainly, of course, it's necessary...

...for you to take it.

Miss Purdy. Yes, Professor Kelp?

I was going to say, I sincerely hope that you don't mind if I don't linger.

I do have some very essential matters that I must take care of.

Certainly, Professor Kelp. And thank you for understanding.

I understand far better than you would ever believe, honey.

Miss Purdy, that is.

You just go right on, and thank you for...

Julius, in the afternoon?

Hiya, chicky baby.

How's it going?

Fine. Crazy.

I thought I'd visit your little land of learning. Cute. Cute pad.

What happened to you last night? What'd you run away like that for?

I thought you saw a ghost or something.

Oh, yeah. How about that?

Well, that's why I stopped by. I thought I'd lay it on you, but this ain't the place to talk.

What do you say we meet later at The Purple Pit?

We could talk better there, huh? Well, I don't know.

You're pretty weird, you know, and I don't want...

Ten o'clock? Perfect.

Figures.

Hey, honey, you look a little drawn.

Did you find it a little difficult going all this time without seeing me?

Don't fight it.

Look, I don't wanna hang you up, honey.

I see you're doing your little test here.

But don't worry about it, beautiful. Science will do fine without you.

But man needs you the most.

This man. Come here.

That's good for you.

If you want more, call for refills.

Later.

Write nice.


I just told you what time it is. It's still 11:15.

Yeah, I know. OK, kids! You can all relax!

Watch where you're going, Mac.

Now that your desperate attempt at having a good time's flunked, have no fear, Buddy's here.

Let the good times roll.

Hiya, baby!

There's my date!

That sharp-looking chick's my date.


Here you are, baby. Your prize package has arrived.

Hello, stale ones.

You're pretty late, Mr. Love. Hold it.

Hold it, baby. You got it a little mixed-up.

You're just way too early, that's all.

Now, be a nice girl and plant one over there.

You'll feel better. Come on, honey. Best things in life are free.

Now, you'll have to admit you got one of the best things.

Go ahead, lay it on me. You are impossible.

Yeah, well, have some impossible. Come on.

See?

Wasn't that worth waiting for?

Now, you gotta admit that I'm not one of the run-of-the-mill-type creeps that hang around this joint, right?

You got a good thing. Don't louse it up.

Isn't it enough that you got the swingingest and the best?

You want me to be on time too?

OK. OK, you win. Naturally.

Would you please be good enough to tell me why you ran away last night and left me just sitting there? Hey, hey, hey, don't get all riled up.

Cool it, cool it.

I don't want to get into no discussions on an empty stomach anyhow.

This is flat.

Vampira!

Bring your kit.

You rang?

Hey, you don't sound exactly too thrilled to serve the leader.

Oh, on the contrary, I find it a rare privilege to serve His Royal Lowest.

Hey, you're cute. Like a black widow spider.

Shut your mouth and just take the order, lady.

I've decided that I shall not continue the flight with the fuel I got.

So give me a boilermaker, and heavy on the boil.

Go on, go on, go on. Come on, come on, I haven't got all night.

She's crazy about me also.

Now, Lost Weekend Jr., you've ordered your drink.

About last night. Would you like to explain what happened?

I told you I was gonna tell you. It's...

Why don't we kind of table it a while, sweetie, huh?

I mean, all the kids, they're kind of waiting, you know.

It's Dullsville out. I'll be back. You take five.

And I love you, baby. Mean it sincerely.

You wait for me, huh?

Oh, there you are, sweets. Thanks a lot.

Sickening, isn't he?

But he's got something.

And I mean to find out what it is.

I think I'll do a...

Do a tune that I'm gonna...

...record for Poverty Records.

That's the only ones that'd have me.

I'm in the mood For love Simply... Simply because You're near me Fun... Fun... Funny But when you're near me I... I'm I'm in the mood for Love

That's... I think that'll be it for a while, kids, and...

Later, Stella. Late...

I feel like the girl on her wedding night whose absent-minded husband goes home to his mother for dinner.

Where is he? Where do you think he is?

What time is it? I think he's getting his watch fixed.

I hope nothing's happened to him. Think he had an accident?

Where is he? He's never been late.

10-to-1 he doesn't show. Nothing's wrong.


The...


Baby, down and down and down I go Round and round and round I go In a spin Loving the spin that I am in Under that old black magic called Old black magic called Old black magic called love Love

"One chemical, having many individual parts, "can always be broken down."

Broken down, always.

"To such a degree, that we never need to be in the dark

"about the whys and wherefore of their capacity."

And to me, carbon dioxide has always been a gas.

No, I didn't mean... Yes.

Actually, it kind of swings and...

The formula needs to be stronger to insure more time.

Stronger. Insure more time.


Tired. Tired.

Yes, Dr. Warfield appreciated it very much.

Hi, Millie. Can I go right in? What's the rush?

The faculty, as always, is ready to serve the needs of the student body.

I'm terribly sorry I'm late, Dr. Warfield.

Any time, Miss Purdy. Any time at all.

Thank you.

Therefore, as I said, the success or failure of the prom rests squarely on the shoulders of you, the members of the entertainment committee.

Miss Lemmon, will you send in the proposed list of the entertainers?

Good, good. The Lightlighters, wonderful. Love folk singers.

The bluenose beetle Likes to needle all the people

Who is this Wickern and Wett? Is that the comedy team?

Oh, good, good, perfect.

My, I thought they'd split up.

Who's this Buddy Love?

What's a Buddy Love?

He's a local boy. He's just terrific.

He's our new leader. Leader?

He's, like, too much. Like too much what?

He's one of the truly great swingers of all time.

Swingers. Swingers of all time. Oh...

It seems that you students know Mr. Love quite well.

What about the members of the faculty?

Anyone here familiar with Mr. Love? Oh, he's the greatest.

Do you know Mr. Love?

Oh, me? No...

No, what I meant... Well, I heard all of the other students, that's...

Professor Kelp, I heard that myself.

Yes, you certainly... Anyone here know Mr. Love?

Very well. In that case, I will have to insist upon meeting him myself.

Will one of you have him come to my office this afternoon at 3:00?

Dr. Warfield.

Well, we don't exactly know how to get in touch with Mr. Love.

On such short notice, that is.

What do you mean, you don't know how to get in touch with him?

Is he some kind of roving bum or something?

I've never heard of such a thing, Miss Purdy.

Well, I might run into him tonight. That's not good enough.

I want to see him today at 3:00.

I beg your pardon, Dr. Warfield, but I just might be able to see my way clear possibly to contact this Mr. Love.

Professor Kelp, I don't care who contacts him.

Just get him here by 3:00 today or forget the whole thing.

Meeting dismissed.


Where's your pad? Oh, it's only about a mile from the campus, and I have bought the craziest new drapes...

You mean my dictation pad, which is in my office. I'm terribly sorry.

I'll get it immediately, sir. Never mind. What did you want?

Mr. Love is waiting outside to see you, and he's a gasser.

I mean, shall I ask him to come in, sir?

If you can do so without fainting, Miss Lemmon.

Yes, sir.

You gonna make that your life's work, baby?

Hey, here.

Mr. Love?

Buddy, to you.

What's your moniker, kid? What do they call you?

Mortimer? Harvey? Norman? Homer? Which is it?

You may call me Dr. Warfield, young man.

OK, doc it is. What kind of doctor are you, by the way, sweetie?

Sawbones, is that the idea?

Or a head shrinker? I went to them once. You dig?

Head shrinker. He told me I had a dual personality, you know.

Split, schizo and all that jazz.

Then he lays an $82 tab on me. So I gave him 41 bucks, and I said get the other 41 from the other guy.

What's eating you? Mr. Love...

...I sent for you in regard to the senior prom.

However, after seeing you, might I remind you that my door...

Would you think I was terribly rude if I were to ask you the name of your tailor?

That's wild. Absolutely gorgeous.

Oh, you mean this? Just beautiful.

Oh, well, it's... Actually, it's just a ready-made suit.

Oh, you're kidding. Not that.

Well, it's sort of a handmade-to-order ready-made suit off the rack.

Just magnificent. I think you're modest. Is that the picture, sweetie?

Little modest? You just got the perfect physique, and anything you put on swings, right? You look great in?

Did you ever think about going into show business?

Well, I did do a few plays in school... Nutty.

Nutty. Girls backstage mob you, swamp you, is that the picture?

Stay right there a second, don't move.

You might say that in my time, I... Oh, I'm sorry about that, doc.

You all right? Yes.

Did you really, really do a job in show business?

Anyone ever tell you you got a Cary Grant-ish kind of look?

Really? Well, I... Did you ever see him walk towards a gal in a picture like that? Try that walk. Let me see, doc.

I'm just curious. Just walk to me like Cary Grant. Beautiful.

Just beautiful. You sure you're doing the right thing working here?

Show business. What did you do, Shakespeare?

I did Hamlet one time. I knew it. Hamlet. Would you do it?

Only once. It's been so long. Would you stand right there?

Would you do it for me, doctor? Well, if...

Come on, baby, lay it on me. It's gotta be wild. Go ahead.

Let's see. To be... Hold it. Do it right. Do it right.

Right? Get up on the stage. Let me sit here.

Let me be your audience. Really, the faculty may...

Come on, you know it's the best thing in the world for you.

Get up there and perform. Well, if you insist.

Let it out. Let it all out. To be or not to be...

Hold it a second. Hold it. Let's make it a stage. Let's make it right.

Hold it one second, doc. You're gonna be beautiful.

All right. Just beautiful. Go ahead.

There we are. Lay it on me.

Am I in the light? That's beautiful. Go ahead.

To be or not to be... Hold it a second. Hold it. Do it right.

Be in show business. Hamlet, right?

You gotta play it all the way. Hamlet, be... Here, put it on. This is... Put it on.

It's gonna make you feel beautiful. Oh, I feel it already, yes.

You'll play Shakespeare like it's never been played.

Go on. It's a difference.

Let it out and enjoy it.

To be, or not to be... Hold it a second. Do it right.

Hamlet, right? A prince? You've gotta go all the way. With a sword.

You dig Hamlet. Do it. You'll enjoy it. All right.

It's beautiful. You're doing beautifully. Fine, thank you.

You've wasted all your life with this school jazz. Go ahead.

I have often thought of chucking it all. Go ahead. Do it.

To be, or not to be... Hold it one second. Hold it.

Royalty is one thing. A crown. Now, just a minute.

Do it right. Hamlet. Do it right. Have the crown.

Well, that's my hat. Be Hamlet. Be it the way it should be.

There you are. You've got the crown.

Now I think I have it. Do Hamlet and really let it out.

You're beautiful. To be, or not to be: that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune... Oh, beautiful, doctor.

I'm not through, I... Doctor, you choke me.

Wait, wait, I'm not... You choke me. It was gorgeous.

The prettiest thing I've ever seen in my life.

I'm not through. See you at the prom, doc?

At the prom, yes. Behind the footlights, doc?

We'll have you there behind those lights.

I knew it, baby. Enjoy! And carry on the great tradition of the theater. Enjoy, you're beautiful.

Thank you. Practice that Shakespeare.

At the prom, Mr. Love!

To be, or not to be: that is the question...

Dear Mr. Love: Looking forward to your appearance at the prom.

Here's to show biz.

You are to be a chaperon at the senior prom. This is a must!

Jennifer. What am I to do, Jennifer?

Have you ever thought of taking poison?

Julius taking poison.


Hi, doctor.

Kelp. Yes, sir.

Do you mind?

Oh, not at all. Do you lead, Dr. Warfield?

Oh, I am sorry, I did misunderstand.

I get terribly carried away, what with the music.

It was a toe-tapper. I must admit that.

It's very rare that you do hear instrumentation these days, you know, what with the folk singers and all of those.

Would you care for some refreshment, Miss Lemmon?

Oh, why, thank you, sir. I think I would, but let me go.

I mean, you really don't have to bother at all.

Oh, there's no bother. It will be my pleasure.

Kelp. Yes, I'll have a lemonade too.

Kelp, will you please get us two lemonades?

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, doctor. I was, again, just so terribly distressed at that wonderful toe-tapper. Well, zip, and I'm gone.


Hi, professor.

Oh, Stell. Stell?

That is, Miss Purdy. I'm sorry. How are you?

Are you having a good time, dear?

I'm having a good time, but I'd have a much better time if somebody would ask me to dance.

What's the matter, professor, cat got your tongue?

Oh, no, the punch bowl has my arm.

I didn't realize I... Here, let me help you.

Thank you. I guess I'm just accident-prone.

Don't worry about it, professor. No, I won't worry about it.

Come on, let's dance.

Oh, yes, all right. Well, let me leave the... Yes.

Dancing sounds like a splendid idea.


I believe I neglected to mention, Miss Purdy, you're looking very beautiful this evening.

You must be looking forward to seeing your Buddy Love tonight.

How did you know that?

Oh, well, everyone knows that he's going to appear here tonight.

Oh, here.

I guess I'm looking forward to seeing him.

But I can't for the life of me figure out why.

Well, he is quite good-looking, is he not?

Oh, yes, he is. But that means nothing to me.

Well, he... I'm told he is a young man with a very nice personality.

On the contrary.

He's rude, disrespectful, self-centered and discourteous.

Well, then it's not his nice personality?

Hardly.

Well, I'm told that he's quite talented, though.

Oh, yes, he's very talented.

But talent comes in many forms.

I believe intelligence is a greater talent than anything.

If Buddy has any real intelligence, he has a fantastic talent for keeping it hidden.

I see. Well, then evidently, Miss Purdy, whatever it is that you see in this young man, it must be very well-buried.

I think you're getting warm.

Well, then perhaps, and it's just a possibility, he chooses to keep the inner man locked up so that no one steps on him.

Oh, but he should know I don't want to step on him.

And maybe someday I'll get to prove it to him.

If he ever unlocks that inner man and lets him loose so that I can grab him and hold him.

I'd appreciate it. What?

That... What I meant was, that's very nice.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

Now it's showtime. If you'll all gather around the bandstand, we'll get the show on the road.

Before we go on, I'd like to have you meet some of the specialists who've been with our band for many years. It's Butch Stone up there.

You remember Butch, don't you?

And my kid brother, Stumpy Brown.

Stumpy not only plays the bass trombone, but also the tuba and sings a little. And of course, Butch Stone is known for that "Good Man Is Hard to Find".

We have a great show lined up for you, a few surprises, including...

Why do men keep running away from me?

Now let's get on with the show.


The formula.

Jennifer! Hi there.

Jennifer!

My formula.

The formula.

Jennifer.

You've eaten all of my formula.

Excuse me.

Oh, shut up, you stupid bird.

Then I can't suggest you call your mother and father and get them to read you the formula from the copy you sent.

Can't suggest. Oh, what a wonderful bird.

Where's the? Where's the phone?

Long distance would be area code...

Oh, yes, the area code.

That's a splen... Splen... Splendid idea, Jennifer.

Hello, Father.

Hello.

I say, hello, Father.

This is Julius. Yeah, I...

Julius.

J... Yes, your son.

I just... Would you be good enough, Dad, to open the formula for me and read it to me so that I can mark it down?

Yes, I certainly... Actually, I'd apprec... Yes.

Just gonna have to be enough, that's all.


Where can he be?

I hope nothing's happened to prevent his getting here.

Well, he'd better get here, or there'll be a riot.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the next performer is actually one of the easiest chores I've ever had.

Well, simply because this card I'm holding is the announcement that the performer wants read exactly as written.

That makes it easy.

"Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the world's greatest everything.

"The best dressed, the swingingest performer

"and one of the nicest guys in the whole world.

"Here he is, the 1963 senior prom's answer to Don Juan, "Mr. Buddy Love."


Up at dawnin' Sleepy and yawnin'

Still the taste of wine Then I remember you're mine and I've got a world that's fine What's before me Routines that bore me Punch the clock at 8 But what a lucky guy I am I've got a world that's great Atom bombs Cape Canaveral and false alarms Half the universe is up in arms So I flip a little too Until I'm holding you What's the hassle I'll buy the castle We can live like kings If we're together forever I've got a world that You've got a world that We've got a world that swings I'd like to take you through This wild, wonderful venture Fly like a kite through space No strings I don't wanna lose That bell that rings I've got a world that You've got a world that We've Got a world that swings We've got a world that swings.

You're very wise.

Now, if you'll just hold it a second, I'll thrill you some more.

I'd like to do a tune for you that's been a favorite of the gang down at The...

...you should pardon the expression, Dr. Warfield, Purple Pit.

You dig?

It's that old standard, "Black Magic".

That old...


That old...

I...

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm not usually at a...

I'm not usually at a loss for words...

...but if you just...

...bear with me a moment, I think I might be able to explain.

It happened some time ago.

Being a scientist...

...I just happened to have stumbled on...

...one of the curious mysteries of science.

I found myself...

...so curious that I was...

...unable to...

...just stop.

Nonetheless...

...I never really knew what was going to prevail.

I do know now that I...

...should have left it alone.

Actually.

But...

...it is a very, very hard thing to do.

Particularly when you...

...found that you've been able to do something...

...that so many others failed to do.

Therefore...

Actually, I...

I have no real defense for my actions other than I had no control over what I said or did as...

...Buddy Love.

I can only say...

I... I hope...

I hope I haven't hurt anyone...

Hurt anyone.

I didn't mean to hurt anyone.

And I didn't mean to do...

...anything that wasn't of a kind nature.

Learning a lesson in life is...

Is never...

It's never really too late.

And I think that the...

The lesson that I learned came just in time.

I don't want to...

I don't want to be something that I'm not.

I didn't like being someone else.

At the same time, I'm very glad I was.

Because I found out something that I never knew.

You might as well like yourself.

Just think about all the time you're gonna have to spend with you.

And...

Well...

...if you don't think too much of yourself, how do you expect others to?

That's what I found out.

Dr. Warfield.

I'm very sorry and...

...I like it here at the university very much.

I hope that...

I hope that after you hear the facts, you won't think too terribly wrong of me.

Because I love everybody here, and I...

I wouldn't really like to leave, actually.


Can I be of any assistance, professor?

Oh.

No, thank you very much. I'll...

I'll have to just try and work this out myself, thank you.

Well, there's...

...really nothing to work out, professor, other than to understand that just being one person is more than enough for any human being to handle.

You mean that?

Well, you have to understand that...

Well, you have to understand that...

I'm only trying to say that I wouldn't ever wanna spend the rest of my life with anyone like Buddy.

But...

...being the wife of a professor would be much more normal and...

...much happier.

Oh, Stella.

You see, I...

I told you I'm accident-prone.

That's actu...

"The psychological properties of visual quality and quantity can be represented conveniently by a three-dimensional diagram."

Three-dimensional diagram. Right.

Oddly enough...

Thanks, sonny! Thanks for telling us where our kid works.

Not so loud, Elmer, dear.

Loud! Who the devil's loud?

Mush. Mush, mush, mush.

Back up there, yeah.

Hi, class, how are you?

Couldn't be much.

Well, well.

If it isn't the square bookworm we laughingly refer to as our son.

Here. Here you are, square bookworm. Have a cigar.

Go ahead. Go on. Pure Havana, straight from Havana.

Yeah.

It cost us $6,000,000 ransom.

Pretty good, huh?

Good to see you again, Julius.

Hey, hey! Mush and hush, mouth. Mouth, hush, mush, ho!

Here. Now. Back. Back, back, back. Now, hush. Nothing.

Here it is, kids.

Are you tired of being a square? Are you tired of a dull, dull, dull existence?

Well, for $1, the tenth part of a sawbuck, try Kelp's Kool Tonic!

You, too, can be the life of the party! The life of the party!

He's right, kids. It's a gasser.

Step right up, folks! Be somebody! Be anybody!

Give me 16 bottles. Twelve here.

Five.

Wait, wait, wait, Stella. Stella.

Wait, sweetheart, dearest. What have I done?

What has he done? What will I do?

Well, I know what you'll do. Do you have the license?

Oh, oh, yes. Here it is, dearest.

Well, what are we waiting for? Oh, well, what about the formula?

What about Mother? What about Father?

Well, what's done is done.

And we have our own lives to live.

Come on, let's go.

Yes, actually, Stella, what's right is right.

Let's split.