The Opposite Sex and How to Live with Them (1992) Script

[ Birds screeching ]

[ Animals chattering ]

[ Elephant trumpeting ]

Eli: Two types of creatures in the wild kingdom...

The predators and the prey.

When we decide to predate... they had better pray.

[ Chuckles ]

Whatever.

You see, life was simple for David and me.

We were captains of our own ships.

We decided when the periscope goes up.

And when the periscope goes down, when to fire the torpedoes and who was under attack.

And then David ventured foolishly.

Into uncharted waters.

♪ The purpose of a man is to love a woman ♪

♪ the purpose of a woman is to love a man ♪

♪ so come on, baby, let's start today ♪

♪ come on, baby, let's play ♪

♪ the game of love ♪

♪ the game of love ♪

♪ come on, baby, 'cause the time is right ♪

♪ come on, baby, 'cause the time is right ♪

♪ love your daddy with all your might ♪

♪ love your daddy with all your might ♪

♪ put your arms around me and hold me tight ♪

♪ put your arms around me and hold me tight ♪

♪ play the game of love ♪

♪ the purpose of a man is to love a woman ♪

♪ the purpose of a woman is to love a man ♪

♪ so come on, baby, let's start today ♪

♪ come on, baby, let's play ♪ Ow! ♪ The game of love ♪ Aah!

Ow.

It's not polite to spy.

I wasn't spying. I was leering.

You know, this thing reinforces bad viewing habits.

You should learn to look at a woman as a whole.

Hey, listen.

I'm way too enlightened to look at women like that.

I meant as opposed to just half.

It's a periscope in a bar. Lighten up.

You just shouldn't look at women as objects.

Oh, no. You see, I was looking at women objectively.

You know, I don't care for semantics.

Hmm. Too bad. I'm Jewish.

Hey, can I buy you a drink?

I don't think so.

The... the whole you?

Ow.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry.

Trouble, skipper?

Uh, flesh wound.

There we go.

That's much better.

Mm-hmm. Thank you.

Medicinal purposes.

Hi!

Hey. Oh, you look great. I've never seen this.

Yes. Well, I can hide a small child in this.

So you should go for it. Little dimples, little ass.

Little potential.

You and your potential quotient.

Have you got some sort of potential-calculator device in your head?

I mean, how do you know?

Zoe, I know the type.

[ Salt-n-Pepa's "Do You Want Me" plays ]

I am in love with that girl.

David, that girl intended and inflicted bodily injury on you.

You don't marry girls like that.

You file restraining orders against them.

[ Chuckles ]

Ho. Spider sense tingling.

Where?

Don't look. 3:00.

Don't look!

I'm sensing a Germanic accent.

Swedish. Stewardesses, maybe.

Uh, secretaries.

German bank upstairs. Ah.

Two Beck's. Two Beck's.

Cover me. I'm going in.

One more furtive glance between you two, and I will spew piña colada.

[ Laughs ]

He is cute.

Eli: I was sitting down the end of the bar, and I was thinking, "jeez.

I've never met a European woman who didn't like beer."

[ Laughs ] I've got two. Is this perfect?

One for you and one for you.

Now, if you don't like beer, that's fine.

Could be now is a good time for beer.

For all you know, he may be the sweetest, most sensitive, evolved guy on the planet.

I like dark beer, actually.

Hanna, Marta, this is my, uh, good friend David.

Then again...

Let's go.

So, uh, you're both secretaries.

No... tellers. Munchen Bank.

I bank there. Yeah.

Bye. Carrie: Bye. Last week.

I, uh, you broke a Deutschemark for me. Do... do you remember?

No. Mnh-mnh.

So, here it is, Friday night. Early Friday night.

And I'm sure it's only a matter of time before you revert to shelter mentality and say something like... I'm so tired. I just want to go home.

Exactly.

Zoe, any guy you meet in a bar picks up women in bars.

Therefore, I can safely rule out that guy, as cute as he may have been, just based on the general theory of guilt by geographic association.

Then I have to ask you, what were we doing in the bar?

We were having a drink.

Okay. We were spending some time together.

We live together.

All right, Zoe. Okay.

We were scoping and scamming, just like everybody else.

Are you happy?

Was that so hard?

Oh.

Driver: Red line outbound. Next stop, Harvard square.

Eli: Oh, perfect.

Ten of my favorite pickup lines, 25 bucks worth of drinks, a whole lot of wasted charm only to find out that Hanna and Marta were lovers.

I hate that.

Yeah. Go figure.

Well, the night's not a total wash, huh?

We'll go catch a little Joe down at the Cantab Lounge.

What do you say? Oh, great. Great.

Oh, please tell me you've gotten over the finger crusher.

Yeah, well...

The memory lingers a bit, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

But you've got the answer for that, don't you?

Sure, I do.

We erase that memory by staying out all night, destroying our brain cells with alcohol and sociopathic behavior.

Easy solutions to life's difficult problems.

I feel better.

Of course you do.

So we stayed out all night and drank Tequila, and neither one of us scored.

I, uh, of course, succeeded in the research-and-development department.

Andrea. Mm-hmm.

652-94...

I don't remember Andrea.

Aha.

Yeah. Mimi. Mimi, I remember.

627-43...

I don't remember Mimi.

That's the problem with Tequila.

Mimi.

♪ Take me out to the ball game ♪

♪ take me out with the crowd ♪

♪ buy me some peanuts and cracker Jack ♪ oh, he is too darling. I love him.

That is an MVP ass.

No. It's entirely too small.

No! No!

I'm telling you, it's too small.

There.

Whoa. Big enough for you?

[ Laughs ] Now, that's better.

[ Crowd murmuring ]

Vendor: Peanuts! Get your peanuts!

Yeah! All right! Here!

Comin' at ya! Here you go. Honey!

Peanuts!

Peanuts!

Beer here. Beer.

Yo. Two beers.

Light?

What?

Light beer?

Do I look like a pussy?

Here you go.

Thanks, pal.

Beer here.

Spider sense tingling.

Oh, your spider sense is fucked.

No, I wish.

Red hair, blue top.

It's Winnie the Pooh and Tigger, too, from last night.

No.

Yes. How many chicks have the joker's hair?

Joker has green hair, asshole. Cracker Jacks here. Cracker Jacks.

What did I say? Garcon!

Cracker Jacks. Cracker Jacks. Um, yeah. Cracker Jack here.

All right. Hey, cracker Jacks, everybody.

Peanuts, cracker Jacks a buck.

You got any cracker Jack?

Give me a minute here. Plenty of cracker Jacks.

Anybody for peanuts and cracker Jacks?

Yeah. Yeah!

All right. Now, listen. Do me a favor.

Bring this down, please, to that lady in blue.

What do I look like, a freakin' mailman?

Here. Look.

Buy yourself a beer.

Hey. Special delivery.

Look. They're not even watching the game.

It looks like they're checking out Bruno's back. Look.

Man: Come on, batter!

Woman: Play ball!

Okay. I bet she goes for the toy surprise first.

What's this?

What do I know? Secret admirer.

Secret admirer.

Wow!

Come on!

Come on!

[ Gasps, laughs ]

That's hysterical!

[ Crowd shouting ]

[ Gasps ]

They're back.

And they're really dorky-looking.

And they're right behind you. How about that, huh?

Oh, you know, you really shouldn't look at men like this.

It's demeaning. Visual dismemberment, remember?

All right, lighten up.

It's just a day at the ball park.

I think I'm gonna have to give the nod to Mattingly for the best seat in the majors.

Are you nuts? What about Bo?

I mean, are we talking size or shape here?

I think I'm secure enough in my own sexuality to say that Mattingly's ass kicks ass on any other ass.

You are so enlightened.

Uh, I'm David.

Carrie.

Eli Mattingly.

[ Laughs ] Hi. I'm Zoe.

How are you?

I see you brought a glove.

Um, it's Zoe's.

We could tell. It kind of matches her hair.

Oh!

Well, if it were skin tone, I guess I could say the same thing about you.

Ouch. A hair-loss joke. Very good.

Luckily for me, women are very attracted to a receding hairline.

Oh, I don't think so.

I said "women."

You know, if you're gonna make the catch, um, it's easier if you do it like this.

Yeah. There you go.

Okay. Thank you.

Sure.

Course, I don't think there's gonna be any homers with the wind blowing in.

[ Crowd murmuring ]

Oh!

[ Laughs ]

Great grab.

Of course, when you hit it that hard, you know, cuts right through that wind.

Crowd: [ Chanting ] Throw it back! Throw it back!

Throw it back!

House rules... Bleacher etiquette dictates that you got to throw back a homer by the opposition.

Throw it back! Throw it back! Throw it back!

Yes!

A woman after my own heart.

So, um, how about an autograph and, uh, phone number?

It was on the ball.

No. Yeah.

No!

[ Echoing ] No!

Ohh!

Ah, chill, babe. It ain't over.

It's over.

No, it isn't. Lick me.

What are we, Siegfried and Roy?

Aw!

Ick!

And?

Hmm.

Voilà.

So I give the number on the tattoo to Eli.

I thought it would be a laugh.

And what happens? David calls Carrie.

Carrie blows up at me.

See, she thinks David is hugely unimpressive.

So I go, "fine.

"If David is so hugely unimpressive, why have you accepted his invitation to the movies?"

So she goes, "well, I felt sorry for the guy.

He sounded so desperate."

Then she locks herself in the bathroom and removes all superfluous body hair.

I'm worried.

[ Gargling ]

The three F’s of dating...

One... film, two... food, three... fuck.

Can you write that down?

You'll remember. You're gonna be fine.

And you're gonna need this.

What's that?

Remember how Batman had a utility belt? Yeah.

Yeah, well, he should've had one of these.

He would've done a lot better.

I got everything you need for the date, all right?

I got a tongue depressor in here.

I got a little dental dam here for you. What is that?

Safe sex includes our dear friend fellatio.

Hiya. Hi.

Where do you get this stuff?

Remember the dental hygienist I was dating?

Kept a few samples.

Now, the condoms are from my own personal stock, huh?

The good stuff.

[ Scoffs ]

Eli, look, it's... It's a first date.

It's, well, my future wife.

We have film? Yes.

Food? Probably.

Anything else after that, I can't really say.

All right.

Worst comes to worst, you make balloon animals.

So I haven't been to a movie ...So, what do you, uh...

So, uh... I'm sorry.

[ Laughing ] No, sorry. What?

No, just... you haven't been to a movie, or...

No, what were you gonna say?

Um, uh, what... what do you do?

That, actually.

Mm. I work for the mayor.

Our mayor?

Your mayor. I-i work in his office.

I mean, for his office.

Hey.

Sounds... sounds impressive.

It's not.

Well, I'm impressed.

Yeah?

Well, you're easily impressed. I like that in a man.

I'll remember that.

[ Indistinct conversations, chairs squeaking ]

This guy is kicking my seat.

Oh, I hate that.

[ Laughing ]

Hey, could you just knock it off?

Knock what off?

Well, anyway, you see that guy there? Yeah.

Are they bothering you?

Do you want to move?

No.

Hey.

Why bother whispering?

[ Grunts ]

♪ Oh, darling... ♪ talk about violence in the movies.

Boy, your eye is really swollen.

You know, you should've told me. We wouldn't have stayed.

No, no, no. It's... glancing blow.

I wanted you to see the movie.

Oh, that's very thoughtful of you.

Ooh.

Is that better?

Considerably.

Thanks.

[ Sighs ]

So, um... What are you gonna have?

Uh...

Strudel sounds good.

Oh, no. No. You never order the strudel.

See, restaurants always are out of it, so they try and push the cheesecake on you

'cause they have too much of that.

You ready?

Uh, yeah. I'm gonna have the strudel.

We're out.

Well, gee, what do you recommend?

Cheesecake is good.

Soup. Soup.

Large bowl?

Two spoons.

Hmm. How romantic.

I'm charging you for the extra spoon.

I'll splurge.

So, what did you call those things in the soup?

You're not Jewish, are you?

No.

I'm from Wellesley, a suburb rivaled only by green acres in ethnic diversity.

Okay. All right.

Well, the little round things are called matzo balls, or knaidlach, called by my people.

Um, little ravioli things are called kreplach, invented while we were wandering in the desert and needed something to eat after throwing all the knaidlach at our enemies.

[ Laughs ]

I knew that.

Well, thanks for seeing my movie.

Sure. Did you like it?

[ Inhales deeply ] Uh, no.

I-i liked you.

The way that you laughed at all the wrong stuff.

And cried with her.

You're not cynical.

You surrendered yourself to the story.

I like that.

Um, you know, David, i-i don't think that we should get into anything physical.

Ow!

Ooh. That hurts.

That's one of those cliché lines.

They teach them to say in "Cosmo," and she just fired it right at him.

Real nice.

I mean, the guy just wanted a kiss, not "The Story of O."

I-i didn't...

Could you please repeat that?

[ Chuckles softly ]

I just don't think we should rush into anything.

[ Both breathing heavily ]

What changed your mind?

I started kissing you.

[ Thud, glass breaks ]

What was that? The lamp.

Oh.

[ Cat howls ]

What was that? Cat.

Oh.

[ Both breathing heavily ]

W-whoa!

[ Grunts ]

Haagen-dazs?

Don't panic, dude.

We're like hell's angels. We share everything.

[ Laughs ]

[ Glass breaks ]

[ Sighs ]

Oh, I'm sorry.

M-maybe we can fix it or something.

That's my parents' wedding picture.

It's 35 years old.

Shit.

Well, maybe we can glue it or... something.

I'll be right back.

Keep away from my precious daughter.

Kenneth, they're just necking.

Oh, yes?

Well, maybe we better check the contents of his bat utility belt.

With all due respect, sir, we are consenting adults.

Carrie is an adult, and you are consenting.

My daughter is not going to be another one of your little conquests.

Do you hear me, young man?

Kenneth.

Carrie: David, I'm sorry, but, um...

It's late, and I have to be at aerobics at 5:30.

A.M.? Mm-hmm.

Bryant Gumbel sleeps later than that.

[ Chuckles softly ]

No. I-i understand.

It's...

Um, here.

Thanks.

I'm kind of tired myself.

Good night.

Good night.

Gentlemen, we came, we saw, we kicked pomboose.

Ah. Next week, try 5:00, 5:30. Any questions?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Crown's date ...Uh, recap, inning by inning.

We lucked out in this market, babe.

Oh, we got duffed. [ Chuckles ]

Suffice to say, I haven't seen any balloon-animal giraffes roaming the streets of our fair town.

This Carrie chick... What does she do?

Uh, mayor's office.

Uh, speech-writing, fund-raising, staff work for the mayor. Hey, can she fix my parking tickets?

Can she fix me up.

Ooh. You should see this chick, man.

Brunette, baby blues. Hey.

Titties? Nice.

[ Laughter ]

Very nice.

Perhaps the perfect woman.

Eli, gentlemen. Uh-huh.

Now, the perfect woman is more than simply a genetically desirable combination of tits and ass.

Oh, at last... a real man.

She's also rich, cooks, and pees standing up.

Pigs.

[ Snorting ]

[ Laughing ]

I feel terrible about this.

I mean, you suppose Carrie and her friends are sitting around, schmoozing like this?

What, do you think she's a cheerleader?

She's not sitting around like Olivia Newton-John in "grease," pal.

♪ Tell me more, tell me more ♪

♪ was it love at first sight? ♪

[ telephone dialing ]

Man on television: Solid shot on the left-hand Lane.

So Ferraro, who's playing a little...

You gonna call her?

Hmm?

Carrie chick.

Maybe.

Just maybe.

[ Pins falling ]

You know, care, there's no rule that says you can't call him.

You realize, of course, there's only two scenarios here.

If you got laid, there's no reason to call her again.

And if you didn't, no reason to call her again.

The beach master is the most respected and exalted.

Of all the males.

But notice when the female enters his focuses, even the revered beach master is struck.

By innate awkwardness.

All he does now is lie there, inert, like a giant bowl of marmalade, while she waits... and waits...

And waits.

The female understands this ritual.

But that does not make it any easier for her.

As the beach master feigns supposed indifferences, this stalemate can only be broken.

If he and she leave their respective fields.

And meet in a neutral area, perhaps here, in the ocean's icy depths, to frolic.

[ Telephone ringing ]

One of my favorites.

Yeah, me too.

Its colors, right?

No, no.

It's just that whenever I've been scalped with a particularly treacherous haircut, Check out the Vin-Man's do.

Come on. The guy could care less about appearances.

I mean, the way he perceived the world in his mind, he... he was a genius.

Yeah, agreed, albeit a sick, nutty genius.

This is a guy who lopped off his ear and federal-expressed it to his honey.

Vinny, babe, what were you thinking, huh?

Walk with me. Talk to me.

You don't cut off anything for anybody.

Not above the waist, not below.

It ain't worth it.

Do you remember Samson at all?

I don't care if Michelle fucking Pfeiffer and Madonna want to give you a pedicure and a trim.

The answer is no. No can do.

Carrie: Yeah. O-okay. [ Telephone ringing ]

Look, I really don't think it's a mistake on our part.

But if it is, you can be sure I'll get to the bottom of it.

Yeah, zoning law passed on July 14, 1973.

Next time you don't do your homework, bring a note from your mother.

All right. Terrific.

Fax me.

All right. I want a Turkey on whole wheat.

Tell Linda whatever you want. We'll go through the north end as we eat, okay?

Hey, David.

I thought I'd take you out to lunch.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Adam, did you meet David?

No.

Nice to meet you. How are you?

I would love to, but I got so much to do, hon.

Why don't you go ahead? I'll take care of it.

No, no. It's okay.

I-i understand.

Okay.

Sorry.

Hey, how about a movie tonight?

Is Adam coming?

He'd love to, but Thursday nights is his gay-rights meeting.

Really?

[ Laughing ] No.

But I thought it'd make you feel better.

[ Slow instrumental music playing ]

Coffee? That's all? Coffee?

Yes, coffee.

The stuff from Brazil? In a cup?

You know, I'd also like to have the...

Never mind.

There's a $2.50 minimum per person.

We understand and accept your conditions.

I never liked you.

Yes, we know that. And that's okay.

[ Laughs ] Why didn't you let me order?

[ Gasps ] Strudel!

Your own recipe?

Entenmann's. [ Laughs ]

[ Both breathing heavily ]

Carrie: Oh! [ Thud ]

New lamp. Oh.

[ Cat howls ]

David: Same cat?

[ Laughs ]

[ Both breathing heavily, laughing ]

Oh! Oh!

[ Grunts ]

Wait. No roommate?

Zoe's gone the whole weekend.

Let's get the Haagen-dazs.

Here.

Where?

There.

[ Laughs ]

And this is supposed to prove...?

How gullible you are after great sex.

Yeah? And you need proof?

Actually, the melting point will determine the hottest part of your body...

And, thus, the most susceptible.

Oh, come on! It's running!

The most sensitive.

David, these are new sheets.

The most erogenous. [ Laughs ]

This is like some bizarre checkup from Mr. freeze.

Wait till you see my bill.

Eli: If you fuck her, she will come.

[ Both laugh ]

Stop.

Stop.

Eli: If you fuck her, she will come.

Oh. [ Laughs ]

Psst.

Psst. David! Listen up.

Champ, you looked good.

You looked good. It was great, wonderful.

Right now you're in the grips of her hormonal madness, which is good. Don't get me wrong. It's a lot of fun to watch.

Just don't get carried away here, okay? This is business.

All right? Stick and move. Stick and move.

I mean, don't let your emotions get the better of you here.

Very important.

And, David...

Whatever you do, do not...

I repeat... Do not spend the night.

[ Laughs ]

Either I've developed a horrible scalp problem or I have rum raisin all in my hair.

Oh, here. Let me do it.

You don't have to.

I want to.

How's that?

Mmm...

Oh, you like that?

Mm-hmm.

I remember when I was little...

My dad used to do this for me when I couldn't sleep.

Would you do this for me every night?

Comb her hair every night? What am I, nuts?

The implication of that question is downright unnerving.

But you know, sometimes you... just can't help yourself.

I mean, you got to say what you feel.

Sometimes it... it just comes out.

Absolutely.

I would do this for you every night.

[ Laughs softly ]

That's right.

We call the following stage in this new relationship

"the sickening phase," during which he doesn't care if she window-shops for 3 1/2 hours nonstop and she suddenly loves to measure the firing gap in his spark plugs.

And they feed each other and basically stroll together with these "Kumbaya" smiles, and when they do actually speak, it's that baby talk.

You know the baby talk you share only with your loved one, 'cause you know that shit don't fly at work with your buddies.

Man on television: The rigors of courtship completed, all animals enjoy a period of bliss.

Known as "the sickening phase."

Here are the zebra, the penguin, the ape.

But perhaps the most intriguing species to observe.

During this phase is the human being.

The couple.

Here we see them deriving mutual pleasures.

From feeding ducks.

Oops.

They have sensed our camera's presence.

They have decided to move on.

Here we see them walking arm in arm down a path, and... no. W-we are scientists.

We are from nature films!

We... oh! I'm s...

Oh, shit! Mad!

Oh, god! Philippe!

Cut.

Another salient characteristic of this phase...

The loyal friends of the afflicted couple may as well drop off the planet.

I mean, forget midnight pig-outs when the only thing that kept you from joining a convent was four bags of garlic potato chips and your best friend.

Forget your best friend.

I mean, she's a Siamese twin, and three's a crowd.

Of course, she still has to meet his friends.

[ Yipping ]

[ Shouting ]

So, how long have you known David?

Oh, David?

Uh, David's one of my oldest and closest friends.

I mean, he's a really, really great guy.

I mean, you're really lucky to have snagged him.

I mean, he's a great guy, really.

Yeah, I know.

Good friend, great guy. I mean it.

I believe you.

That's why it hurts me so much that I have to ask you out.

Excuse me?

Well, I mean, normally, I would think twice about, you know, hitting on a friend's chick like this, but, Carrie, you're just too awesome to let go.

[ Scoffs ]

Let go.

Hmm.

[ Reggae music plays ]

Mm, what do you got there?

Drop dead.

♪ You know I like it ♪

♪ I like it, I like it ♪

♪ you know I like it ♪

♪ I like it, and I love you so ♪ what are you doing?

Oh, I gotta judge the perfect-breast competition.

What do you think?

Well, I don't think that there, um...

Should be chocolate-chip cookies.

You're right. They're too small.

Hey, can I get a couple cupcakes down here?!

♪ Feel it, feel it ♪

♪ baby, let me feel it ♪

♪ feel it, feel it ♪

♪ in my soul ♪ friendly face at last.

♪ Feel it in my soul ♪ hiya.

Hey, well, what are you making?

Well, you know, they have their perfect-breast competition, so I thought I'd sculpt the perfect penis.

Isn't it a dream come true?

Hey!

♪ You know I like it ♪

♪ I like it ♪ fellas!

Look!

Looks like something out of "dune."

Nice job, Zoe.

Hey, you. No.

No. Yes. We need more bodies for strip twister.

Zoe! Yes!

Aaah! [ Sighs ]

So jealous.

Hey, wait for me! I'm double-jointed!

Wait! I can do amazing things!

Zoe: Right hand, blue. Left hand, yellow.

Eli: Very nice.

Babies. You see, I'm a guy who knows a lot about babies.

♪ I want to love somebody ♪ I'm not having a good time.

Oh, was Eli cheating again?

You know, you cannot trust that guy to call a clean round of strip twister.

Yeah, he made up the colors.

Well, you see, he's color-blind like a, you know...

Like a schnauzer.

And then he brings over this cooler full of ice water and... dumps it on me.

See, you gotta hose down the board between games.

Otherwise, it gets all gritty.

And, David... yeah?

One of your friends keeps hitting on me.

What? Who is it?

Point him out.

There. That guy.

George?

George!

Hey, George, over here!

Me?

Yeah. All right, don't move.

George, you're hitting on my girlfriend?

Yeah, absolutely. She's really awesome, David.

Yeah, she is, isn't she?

Hey, look, George, please don't do it anymore, okay?

I'll try.

Thanks.

[ Scoffs ]

Look, so, my friends don't sit around discussing Susan Sontag.

Face it, David... your friends couldn't discuss Dr. Seuss.

They're normal people, Carrie.

Is it normal for George to proposition me?

George propositions everyone.

Terrific.

And what about Eli railroading me into that degrading beach game?

David, if... if it's pop psychology you want...

"I'm okay, you're okay"...

Your friends are dickheads.

[ Indistinct conversations, classical music plays ]

[ Loud crunch ]

[ Crunching ]

[ Chuckles ]

Excuse me.

Charles, have you seen, uh, Carrie?

I believe Lizbeth is showing the new China pattern.

Come on, come on, join us. We're playing charades.

Charades. Charades. Charades.

Oh, I just love charades.

That's right, we're playing charades.

Come on, everybody, charades. Buffy, Jody, sissy.

Brian, Keith, you play, too.

Okay.

I go first.

You always go first.

Chipper's host. He's got dibs.

[ Light laughter ]

All right.

It's a movie.

"Fatal attraction."

[ Laughs ]

Lucky guess.

Okay.

I get to go again.

All right.

A book.

"Bonfire of the vanities."

[ Chuckles ]

[ Clears throat ]

Perhaps we should play some other game.

[ Doorbell rings ]

I meant to tell you. Oh, yeah.

Hi. I'm, uh...

Hey.

Welcome to "Thirtysomething." Can I get you some brie?

Uhh... you got any bean dip?

Thank god.

So, what are you doing here?

Zoe said it was cool.

[ Chuckles ] She's not here. She knew better.

Bitch!

I've been had.

Oh!

Of course, the view is awfully nice.

Interesting food, stocked bar.

I'm staying.

Carrie, darling.

So good to see you. Kisses.

[ Kissing noises ]

That ice looks cold. Is it?

[ Muffled ] Eli, this is my... this is Charles.

Charles, my friend Eli.

Honest to god pleasure to meet you, Chas.

May I call you Chas?

Actually, I prefer "chipper." "Chipper" it is.

Help yourself to a drink.

Pictionary later.

Unh, unh, unh, unh, unh, unh.

Let me freshen that for you.

What is that? [ Sniffs ] A vodka and bourbon?

[ Laughs ]

No, I'm a doctor. Now, listen.

He's pawing my friends.

I think she wants to be pawed.

No, she's just getting over a divorce. She's very vulnerable.

And I don't think that Eli...

Eli is what... not good enough?

Y-you don't think my friends are good enough?

Is that what you're trying to say? Huh, huh, huh?

Is aware that his fly is open.

Oh.

Eli!

Yeah.

Psst!

Ah.

I tried.

Well, what about your friend chipper?

He was following me from room to room.

"Excuse me, David, but what exactly kind of Jew are you?

Are you an assimilated Jew or are you a committed Jew?"

Chipper's minor was comparative religion.

At least he didn't rip off your bathing suit.

And spray ice water on you.

Eli is absolutely right. You just have no sense of humor.

[ Crunching ]

And yet their relationship survived.

I mean, I've heard that love is blind, but I guess it's also deaf, dumb, and undauntingly tolerant of all prejudices, personal or external.

There just might be something to it.

I'm not sure.

Gather 'round, children. Gather 'round.

Yo, yo, yo, quiet now. No flashing. No flashing.

I'll send you people home. I'll do it.

Construction of the statehouse was completed under budget and on time in 1782.

Guess they didn't have a union then. Ha ha ha.

Anyways, if you notice the beautiful rococo tile...

Isn't is beautiful? Can you say "rococo"?

Rococo. Rococo. Rococo.

Very good. Very good.

So, this is where it all happens...

Discussion, or discourse, between the governor...

Can the governor park his car anywhere he wants?

What happens in there?

I'll check.

[ Moaning ]

Whoo!

That's what we like to call a gubernatorial aide and her gentleman friend, and they are, uh...

Photocopying.

Are they facilitating state government?

W-well, what's good for the people is good for the state.

Alexander Hamilton said that.

Actually, this is my lunch hour.

And you spend it with him?

Hey.

I'm... in love with this woman.

And she's in love with me.

Right?

Yes, I am.

But aren't you afraid of being caught?

Why not save it for later... at home?

Well, see, we work different hours, and h-her apartment's really very far away, so...

Wait... you two don't live together?

They don't have to.

Puh-lease, Bobby.

If you and I were sharing conjugal relations on a laser copier...

Fat chance!

We'd be living together, especially if I kept clothes and stuff and shampoo at your place.

You do keep shampoo there?

And conditioner.

Look, you either move in or move on.

Face it, dude. The writing's on the wall.

You know, they call it "living in sin" for a reason.

Whatever. They did it. She moved in, yeah.

"Stop by our apartment," David says the other day to me.

"Our apartment?" Excuse me?

She moves into his apartment, and suddenly it's "our apartment."

[ Sighs ] I don't know.

Maybe I'm taking this too hard. I don't know.

W-w-what... I should bring them a housewarming gift for their apartment?

You tell me. I don't know.

What's the perfect housewarming gift for them?

Brought you a little housewarming gift.

Oh, Eli.

[ Chuckles ] You didn't have to.

They'll come in handy. Don't kid yourself.

Where's Carrie?

Um, she's out getting some more plants.

More plants?

Well, that's good.

It's kind of phase one of the master plan, isn't it?

Plants need a lot of watering, a lot of feeding, a lot of attention.

It softens you up a little bit for phase two...

Babies.

You're getting a little paranoid.

Paranoid. Who said I'm paranoid?

If I told you once, I told you a million times...

If you let a babe infiltrate the home base, eventually she'll eradicate every trace of the essential you.

Oh, what's this? What's what?

This... colors and bad frame.

Oh, I don't know. Carrie likes it.

Carrie likes it? Yeah, yeah, I like it, too.

Aah.

You think Carrie's different, don't you?

Yes. Yes. You don't think she's gonna make demands...

Move you to the suburbs and load you down with babies and barbecue.

Y-you know something? I think Carrie's right.

You're a little afraid of women.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait.

You talk to Carrie about me?

Eli, we live together. Of course I talk to her.

I talk to her about everything.

W-what'd you tell her?

Nothing.

You know, it's just... For the first time, I'm looking at things from another side.

There is no other side.

There's them and there's us.

Exactly. You're right.

And sometimes we're a little disgusting.

Okay? So, let's drop it.

Yes, we're disgusting!

We're men. We're idiots. It's the law.

Eli, remember at college your definition of a lesbian?

Any girl who wouldn't put out.

Right. Exactly.

Well, you know, I no longer agree.

All right, all right. Do me a favor, okay?

In a couple of months when you get some time, fax me your balls, 'cause you don't need 'em.

You ever have one of those dreams where you're in the water, you're trying to save someone from drowning, and you can't quite reach him?

You're about a fingertip away, but the current keeps pulling him further and further out to sea, and there's nothing you can do but watch.

How do I save him from slipping away?

How do I bring him back to shore?

[ Telephone rings ]

Hi, this is David.

Carrie and I aren't here right now, [ David and Carrie giggling ] But you can leave a message, and we'll get back to you later.

Bye-bye. [ Beep ]

Hi, care. Hello, David.

Three weeks now, and my period is already in sync with Oprah Winfrey.

Just thought you'd like to know.

[ David groans ] [ Beep ]

David, sweetheart, this is your mother.

Oh! Ugh.

I have two questions...

Number one, why don't you call?

And number two, is Carrie a boy or a girl?

[ Beep ] Shit! I knew I forgot to call someone!

[ Laughs ]

[ Blows ]

I'm telling you, everything's gonna be fine.

Freida: Oh!

There's a Cohen brothers shoes.

Yeah, of course, on beacon.

No, no, no, further east, next to the Indian restaurant.

You got it. Okay, Bobby.

Well, it was nice talking to you, too, hon.

Good luck. Yeah. Bye-bye.

Wrong number, hm.

Don't worry.

Brisket is coming, but first...

A little soup with knaidlach.

Oh, I've had those. [ Chuckles ]

Not like these.

This is the tough part.

See, Mrs. C makes this killer brisket... world-class.

But before you can eat any, you gotta survive the interrogation...

[ Echoing ] Survive the interrogation...

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

[ Slurping ]

So, Carrie, tell us a little bit about yourself.

I was... I was born and raised here... I mean, Wellesley.

Date of birth?

June 6, 1963.

Earlier, I thought you said July!

July. I-i meant July.

Aha. Do I make you nervous, Carrie?

You're my guest.

Eat!

Oh, that's good.

I mean, that was excellent!

It was the best knaidlach I've ever had!

Have you ever seen this man before?

Uh, i-i don't think so.

You don't think so?!

Think!

Uh, no, I'm sure.

And where was your father during world war ii?

Um, college, uh, uh, medical school...

Uh, Dartmouth university. I went there, also.

Huh.

She made it! Yes!

My David could have gone to B.U.... Harvard, even.

He had the S.A.T.S, but he wanted to go away from home.

Go figure.

Dear, my husband is a very proud man.

He doesn't like to lose, so if you could just ease up a bit on your serve.

You want me to throw the game? Kenneth: Come on, come on, come on.

Powwow's over.

No strategy's gonna beat my little care bear and I.

Please, dear?

It's in your own best interest.

Out!

With a smile.

By a mile.

I don't know.

I mean, to swallow your pride in one gulp?

David must be...

In love.

I don't know.

I do know you won't see me sucking up like that, selling out to Kenneth and Giselle for a few free drinks and convenient court time.

Hey, do you think that's why I've never been asked back?

[ Water running ]

[ Clears throat ]

David, man-to-man, you had a pretty fair game going there, but then you lost the scent and screwed the pooch.

Killer instinct wins matches.

K.I.... close the deal.

You read trump?

I'm waiting for the movie.

Consistency. Follow-through.

Like I tell my lovely wife, Giselle, tennis, proctology...

It's all in the follow-through.

Well, not... not many people enjoy your consistency, sir.

Hell, you can smoke a pipe and play tennis at the same time.

Grace under pressure.

I learned that during the war.

Uh, Korea? No, no, no, no.

Carter administration... Four years of economic hell.

Crown. Crown.

Should I know that name? What's the old man do?

Oh, eat... sleep... complain.

What?

I'll tell you what the old man doesn't do.

He doesn't collect animal heads, he doesn't say things like "screw the pooch," and he doesn't call Ronald Reagan "the Gipper."

[ As Irv ] He calls him "that bad actor from the chimp movies." Oy!

You like guns, David? Well, uh, to tell you the truth, sir, I...

This is a beauty... 12 Gauge over-and-under.

Here, take ahold of it. Go on, take it. Take it!

Uh. [ Clears throat ]

It's not loaded or anything, is it?

Oh, let's see.

Ah. No, it isn't.

[ Chuckles ]

Now it is.

Here, put this on your shoulder.

There. Now grab ahold of the stock there.

And put this hand up there. There you go.

Now, lean into it. Lean into it.

How's that feel, son? It feels good, sir.

It feels... you know, it makes you feel like a man.

[ Pats back ] [ Gunshot ]

Aaah!

Lunch.

[ Clears throat ]

David: If you really want to know, the real expert on the subject was a girl that Eli knew.

Yeah? Yeah.

Shock me.

She's a nurse... nutritionist.

She said that guys are, like, you know... pure protein.

Of course, that's it... protein.

And... and... and you guys are just the surgeon generals of love just sharing this with us f-for our own well-being.

Hmm? Hmm?

Oh, come on, David, can you honestly say that if you were in my position, you'd feel any differently?

Hon, if Eli and I were shipwrecked on a deserted island, and the only way to survive was, you know, the nutrients involved, then, yes, yes!

We'd be going down on each other every five minutes.

I'd kill myself and then him.

[ Telephone rings ]

[ Sighs ]

Hello?

Eli.

[ Chuckles ] What's up?

[ Rock music playing ] David, get down here right now. I'm telling you.

The planets are lined up tonight or something, I don't know, but the chicks here tonight are not to be missed.

Now, huh?

Mmm...

You don't have to touch. You can just look.

Yeah, Eli, look, I can't come down now. It's, uh...

Carrie's not feeling real well, and I just... I just can't. It's not a good time.

What about Friday?

Friday... uh, yeah, Friday...

Friday night, definitely.

No, dinner with Charles and Lizbeth.

Really? Mm-hmm.

Uh... Eli, um, I'll call you tomorrow?

Oh, man, I hope she's worth it.

I'm telling you, you're missing out big-time, pal.

Big-time.

[ Rock music playing ]

[ Receiver clicks ]

Mm. You know what?

I'm gonna go take a bath.

[ Sighs ]

[ Door opens, closes ]

Missing out.

Two words that have haunted me my entire life.

Why can't I just be happy with where I am and with what I've got?

Why do I keep thinking about where I could be and what I could get?

Christ.

My scoping days are over.

I mean, I'm different.

I'm in love.

Why can't I just be happy with what I've got?

I just don't know who David is.

I mean, sometimes i-i feel like I'm living with three men...

Mrs. crown's little boy, the one who throws a tantrum every time he runs out of shampoo, um, Eli's best buddy, the one who pulls back when things get too intimate...

And then there's my David.

He's funny...

He's sensitive...

And considerate.

He's the one I moved in with.

How'd I end up with the other two?

Missing out.

Missing out, like Eli's really doing something that I want to be a part of.

Excuse me, mister.

We were just coming back from our cheerleading meet.

We're all virgins, but for some reason...

Maybe it's the planet alignment...

Well, we all decided that tonight was the night to...

Well...

You know...

Go all the way.

So, perhaps you and your friend could help us out...

You know, take us around the city, ply us with liquor, and then take us back to your place?

Well, I'd be delighted, uh...

Of course, it's just gonna have to be me.

See, all my friends are busy tonight or too tired or home with their live-in girlfriends.

[ Girls giggling ] Oh.

Well...

Do you think maybe you could handle us all by yourself?

Yes. Yes, I do.

[ Echoing ] David.

David. Listen to me.

What?

Sorry.

Uh, what?

You're bored with this relationship, is that it?

No, no, god, no.

No, you see, it's just that...

Listen...

Pizza is my favorite food...

Pepperoni and sausage, right?

W-w-what's your favorite food?

What?

Linguine and clam sauce.

An excellent choice... Linguine and clam sauce.

It's great. You love it more than anything else.

You could probably have it almost every night.

Mm.

Almost every night, but you... you wouldn't want to.

You'd want to try something new, something different.

You know what?

Your little analogy's starting to piss me off.

Okay. Okay. Let's... let's forget it.

Good.

Let's just...

...go to sleep.

[ Tires screeching ]

[ Crash ]

[ Thud ]

Ow!

Where were you?

[ Slurring ] I was out.

With Eli.

You could have called.

Am I on a leash?

Can't I have a good time without you?

Can't you have a good time with me?

Would it be so bad to... to invite me along?

You know, you used to think I was pretty good company.

Oh, hon, you know, when... when Eli and I go out, you know, it's a... It's a guy thing.

Eli... David and Eli.

David, you're not married to Eli.

Well, I'm not married to you, either.

David, wait.

What's wrong?

A phone call costs 20 cents.

[ Whining ] Hello, mommy, can I stay out and play?

Oh, grow up!

All right, you fellas, give me a little help here, please.

Can I have a show of hands... All of you who agree with me that a relationship is a fine place to sleep, but you wouldn't want to live there.

Ah! See? Clear majority.

Four guys?

What do you want from me? They're surrounded by the enemy.

[ Soft music plays ]

What?

W-we're not talking.

We're eating.

We used to talk when we ate.

What do you want to talk about?

I don't know. Anything.

[ Sighs ]

Can we just enjoy our dinner?

Fine. Yeah.

I can't enjoy my dinner.

Something's happened. I-i just...

I don't feel connected to you anymore.

Do you feel connected to me?

Oh, please don't give me that look, okay?

And please don't say, "oh, Jesus, Carrie."

Okay.

What do you want from me?

We're in trouble, and I just want to talk to you about it.

[ Sighs ]

Why do you want to talk about it?

When you hit a rough spot, sometimes the best thing to do is just ride through it.

Sometimes talking makes it worse.

Let it go.

I can't let it go.

We have to deal with this now.

There's nothing to deal with.

You know, Eli's right.

Sometimes you just over-analyze everything.

What, you and Eli sit around talking about me?

What do you... what do you say to Eli about me?

[ Sighs ]

Eli's my friend. We talk about things.

Look, can... can... Can we not do this?

Let... let's stop this before it turns into a fight.

It is a fight.

Look at me, David.

Wouldn't you rather someone else be sitting here right now?

No, I wouldn't.

Be honest... wouldn't you be having a better time if someone else was here and not me?

No. No one else.

I don't believe you.

Yeah, okay, all right.

I-i-i can imagine another woman here with me.

You know what?

And you're right... I'm having a better time.

Want to know why?

Because she doesn't tell me what I'm thinking.

And lead me around on a leash, and she doesn't hang Hockneys on my wall.

And she doesn't drive me crazy with bullshit while I'm eating!

Carrie!

Let me in!

Wilma!!

Aw! Hate to see that happen.

[ Buzzer ]

[ Chuckles ] I'll go make up the couch.

So, she locked you out of your own apartment.

Our apartment.

Mm-hmm.

Well...

I say let her stay there.

Let her sit in the apartment with her plants and her rolled-up socks and her Hockster paintings.

Hockney.

Eli...

Whatever it is, it's hers. She can have it.

I've got the old David back, don't I?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Y-you do remember the old David, don't you?

Come on, quick... the three F’s.

F... what are they?

F... film.

Yeah. F... food.

Yes! Film, food, fuck. Yes!

[ Chuckles ] Welcome back, David.

So, why did we break up?

Why does anybody break up?

Her friends don't like your friends.

Her mother doesn't like you.

She's a prude. You're an inconsiderate slob.

She forgets to cap the toothpaste.

You like to sleep with the window open.

Is that what it's all about?

Or is being with somebody like...

Getting too close to the sun?

Y-y-you gotta jump back or you're gonna get burned or go blind.

[ Telephone rings ]

Carrie: Hi, you've reached the apartment.

Of Carrie and Mr. shit.

We're not here right now, and if he were, I wouldn't be.

Bye.

[ Beep ]

...earn 1 1/2 times our income for the same fucking job, nut-scratching, beer-belching, "was it good for you?" Like he really cares, belligerent, "hey, what's on cable?"

Only own three pairs of shoes and pay half of what you do for formal wear and then can wear it again, sports-obsessed, genetically inferior, orally fixated, perpetually adolescent...

Left, left, left, right, left.

Left.

I think my friend David needs a refresher course.

Back to basics.

Lights!

You really think this is necessary?

It's very dark in a bar.

You're not spider-man, okay?

Being able to identify a woman by silhouette proves to be both necessary and cost-effective.

[ Scoffs ] Look, David, no one can afford to buy a drink for every ugly woman in a bar...

Not you, not me, not the brothers Shearson Lehman.

Eli, come on.

Okay. You're gonna like this, huh?

This'll be good for you.

Babe or troll?

Babe.

Eh...

Yes. Very nice. Nicely done.

And next.

Babe...

Or troll?

Eli, I... can't really...

Yes, you can.

Think. Come on. You've got time.

Babe.

Yes!

Yes, Claudia.

Mmm, Claudia. [ Inhales sharply ]

Buy a drink for Claudia? Mnh-mnh. I don't think so.

Buy a condo for Claudia.

Uh, okay, Eli, this is all very well and good, but does intelligence factor into this at all?

You want brains, fuck Margaret Thatcher.

Next.

Babe or troll?

Oh, babe, definitely.

Oh, that's a shame.

Hmm?

You've chosen Marge Simpson...

An animated cartoon of a hausfrau to turn your crank.

You must be very pleased.

Jessica rabbit, I could understand.

Even myself, I've thought on occasion, "yes," but Marge?

I don't think so.

We've had enough for today, though. Let's go out and have some fun.

Okay.

He's ready. I can feel it.

He's ready to re-enter society a reformed man.

Sure, sure, I gotta worry about a relapse, but I got two words that should do the trick...

"Tracy Seymour,."

A.K.A. "Let's 'see more' Tracy"...

A sure thing.

[ Conga music plays ]

[ Laughs ] Eli: Ping-pong balls?

I thought you wanted king Kong's balls.

Oh, that is a great joke!

[ Laughs ]

That's very funny.

It's funny because the guy wanted... right?...

To play ping-pong, and then structurally, it's a funny joke because he wants... let's get out of here.

The guy wants ping-pong balls, right? Come on.

And the store owner thinks literally that he...

Like, if you wanted potato salad and you asked for coleslaw, so you ask for potato salad, and the guy says, "I have, uh... coleslaw for you, and why not give me, uh..."

But in this case, you asked for ping-pong balls and you got huge gorilla balls!

That's very funny.

[ Slow jazz music plays ]

David.

Tracy, I can't make love to you.

I'm sorry. What?

Tracy, I can't make love to you.

One more time, please.

I can't make love to you.

Oh, i-i thought that's what he said.

Aaaaaah!

Fine.

I'll walk you home.

No. I'll be fine.

[ Door opens, closes ]

Carrie: Hello?

Carrie, it's me.

[ Dial tone ] [ Sighing ] I, uh...

Really need to talk to you.

You fuckin' pussy.

It's like when you finally meet the right person.

I mean, the most important thing to me is commitment.

I mean, we're all afraid to trust.

And I don't just mean trust each other...

I mean trust ourselves, trust our feelings.

And share those feelings.

I mean, what are you supposed to do... read my mind?

No. Men and women have to tell each other what they want.

I can tell you what I want, Carrie.

I want a relationship based on honesty, trust, and continual communication, [ pager beeping ] And... oh.

Oh, I gotta take that. Excuse me.

Could I get you anything else?

How's the cheesecake?

[ Sighs ]

The only thing worse than not getting what you want is getting what you want.

Oscar Wilde. He knew.

Man on television: ...Cubic zirconia.

Nice matching rubies, vibrant color, the gemstone of the souls, as it's been called.

Only $35.

♪ I am such a funny clown ♪

♪ I like to travel 'round and 'round ♪

♪ the circus is my home ♪

♪ I always sleep alone ♪

[ slow classical music plays ]

[ Grunts ]

Ohh! Make up or break up!

This stalemate has got to end.

You know, for once, I agree with her.

I do. I don't care what happens.

I just want my couch back.

[ Sighs ] He's not calling her. She's not calling him.

Can someone help this couple?

[ "Nightline" theme plays ]

Good evening. I'm Ted Koppel, and this...

Is "Nightline."

Tonight, "love on the rocks"...

Crown versus Davenport.

You'd have to be living in a vacuum the past week.

Not to notice the friction.

Between young lovers David crown.

And Carrie Davenport.

Standing by in our Boston affiliate, the principals.

David, is there a case to be made.

That the final blowup was only symptomatic of much deeper problems?

Deeper problems?

What do you mean?

David, I'm referring to this "missing out" feeling, which, as you put it, has, and I quote, "haunted me my entire life."

Phew! Who does your research?

Why do you worry about what you might be missing, David, outside of your relationship with miss Davenport, instead of concentrating on creating a deeper, more meaningful relationship with her?

It's not that I don't love her.

I-i do. I-i love her with all my heart.

I-i just...

I don't know. Sometimes i-i feel trapped.

But why, David? I'm not trying to trap you.

Yeah, I know that, hon. I just... um...

Carrie, David is simply expressing a general fear of commitment.

Let me see if I can give you an example.

What's your favorite food?

No, Ted, shh!

Look, we're trying to reach an accord here, okay?

Carrie?

I will do everything in my power to change...

Because... i-i love you...

And I need you.

And...

I want to come home.

Ted, how do we get out of these boxes?

[ Soft music plays ]

Linguine and clam sauce.

Your favorite.

That's very sweet of you.

It is.

But, um...

Why don't we try something just...

A little different?

Mmm.

Unh!

Uhh...

That's it... drive it. Foul! That's a foul!

Where's the call?!

Where's the fucking call?! Oh, man!

There should be... David, do you believe this shit?

This liver's great. What? What happened?

Bird brings it in, around-the-back pass to Lewis, right?

Sweet baseline move, and then Laimbeer and Rodman mug him.

No, no, they rape him, like in prison!

The pistons aren't a team.

They're the Manson family in shorts. Here.

You liked that... the liver, right? It's great.

Okay, now try the pasta salad with peppers.

Give me a "T" here. Do I like this?

[ Air horn blares ] Hold on, folks.

I can't believe what I've just heard.

"Do I like this?" What?

You all right?

Did I hear you correctly?

Did you ask her if you liked a particular food?

So? So?

So?!

That's a question that an old man asks his wife at a salad bar...

Couples who have been married thousands of years.

Men who no longer own their own prostate.

Men who have no free will ask that question.

It's beyond pathetic.

I have a radio in my car.

Oh, guys! Zoe, wait.

Eli, it's the fourth quarter.

They're turning into the Reagans.

Do I hate this?

1:37 in the ballgame.

Carrie.

[ Thunder crashes ]

Eli.

Yes, David?

Where's Carrie?

Oh, well, I'd rather...

I know you think I'm pussy-whipped, but tell me where she is.

I won't.

You know where she is. Tell me where she is.

I'd really rather not say.

Please, Eli, tell me where she is.

You're not going to like it, David. Where is she?

She got tired of waiting for you to commit.

Where's Carrie? Where is she?! Where is she?!

She's about to marry a proctologist!

Taxi! Taxi! Oof!

[ Voice echoing ]

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Sighs ]

I know. I know.

A dream is your subconscious trying to get through.

But, you know, it's like a bad connection to Wabash, Australia.

You miss every other word, and nothing makes sense.

Somehow you know it's the most important call of your life.

So, what do you do?

I mean, if you can't be sure?

If you can only guess?

When it's your turn to talk, what do you say?

Excuse me.

[ Steve Winwood's "the finer things" plays ]


♪ While there is time ♪

♪ let's go out... ♪ Carrie Davenport...

♪ If you hold me ♪ will you marry me?

♪ I will let you into my dreams ♪

♪ for time is a river ♪ I will.

♪ Roll... ♪ [ Record scratches ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Thud ]

I will. I will. I will.

Reactions were... varied.

Shiksa.

Oh, god!

Married. March.

Lovely wife Giselle, are we in town then?

We nailed one!

[ Cheering ]

Hey, guys, man overboard! Man overboard!

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

This means we get to throw a bachelor party, right?

Yeah! Whoo! Yeah! Yeah!

[ Chattering ]

[ Chattering ]

[ Chattering ]

[ Bullfighting music plays ]

[ Women cheering ]

[ Blues music plays ]

Love's latest victim, David crown.

David, from your best man...

To his best friend.

The key to my hotel room and to the city...

Are yours.

David?

Hey, David.

[ Drumroll ]

Hi!

David. David. Hello!

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

You're the best man, son.

You should know where he is at all times.

So, uh, where is she, Zoe?

And why is she there?

[ Sighs ] Well, I'm not sure.

But I'm sure this is the happiest day of her life.

[ Chuckles ] It better be.

The natives are getting restless.

No shit. We need some entertainment.

Do you play the piano, sir?

No!

But my lovely wife, Giselle, does.

Find him!

Aah!

Aah!

Hi.

Hiya.

How's David?

It was hard to tell.

Zoe, you're my best friend.

What's gonna happen to us if I get married?

Nothing.

What's gonna happen to me if I get married?

What do you mean?

[ Inhales deeply ]

Remember what you said to me at my party...

About me losing my identity?

I know you were kidding...

But I don't know... I think you might be right.

Well, I was right.

I mean, you will lose your identity, but only to find... A new identity.

And no offense... Maybe a better one.

As a wife?

As a wife...

As a mother...

As a grandmother.

[ Laughs ]

Boy, can you imagine me as a grandmother?

Sure!

Zoe, can I rely on him?

Can I rely on... on me?

Do you love him?

Yes.

Would you rather go back to living with me?

[ Chuckles softly ]

I love you, too, but...

[ Laughs ]

Then let's go get married.

Okay. Okay.

[ Both sniffling ]


Hey, you're in my seat.

How'd you know I'd be here?

[ Groans ] Come on.

We've been coming here since we were 6.

Oh, by the way, Kenneth is, uh...

Muy pissed.

How about Carrie?

She, uh... didn't say.

Everything is always right here.

Life is perfect under the green monster.

You ever notice that?

I'm usually too drunk by the sixth inning, but... yeah.

I don't think anything in my marriage is ever gonna be as... perfect as that.

Oh, it won't be.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, David, but it won't be.

Why not?

Because marriage isn't baseball, man.

It isn't a game. It's very real.

Besides, there's a lot less spitting.

So why am I doing this?

Because you want to.

Because I want to... eventually.

You never really liked Carrie, did you?

You know, when I first met her, I thought, "Carrie."

You know... Stephen king's "Carrie."

But I got to know her, and, uh...

She's okay. She's all right. She's... she's good.

I'm gonna marry Carrie Davenport.

Ah.

You know, someday... Not too soon, but someday...

We're gonna come out here, and you-know-who is gonna be sitting right between us, sucking on a frosty malt.

Who?

Your kid! "Who?"

You think?

Come on, the first thing.

Uncle Eli teaches the little sperm in Reeboks is how to sneak into the park.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Aw. Aw. Aw. Aw.

[ "Here comes the bride" plays off-key ]

[ Rabbi speaking Hebrew ]

Psst.

I never asked you... What do you do for a living?

I'm an accountant.

And do you, Carrie, take this man, David, to be your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health till death do you part?

I do.

And do you, David, take this woman, Carrie, to be your lawfully wedded wife in sickness and in health, to love, honor, and respect her till death do you part?

I do.

Then if there is no one here who objects to this union...

Then by the powers vested in me... And me.

...and by the covenant of Moses and Abraham...

By god and the state of Massachusetts.

...by the state of Israel, together: We now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Wait! Wait! Wait!

We're not done, huh? That's it? This is it? What?

Talk to me about rules. Talk to me about love.

All right, it's a 4-letter word, huh?

All right, when King Kong grabbed Fay Wray, that was love, was it not?

Sweet love, absolutely, yeah.

But afterwards, boom! Dead monkey.

What the hell's that? Just tell me it was worth it, okay?

You're goddamn right it was worth it!

They knew it the minute they met.

I knew it.

Even you knew it, although that didn't stop you.

From torturing them every step of the way, did it, studmuffins?

Uh, eh... W-what are best friends for?

I mean, I had to be sure he was sure.

Really?

Yes.

Well, that's very sweet.

I may have misjudged you.

What are you saying?

Well, you want to go to a movie sometime?

[ Scoffs ] What... you and me?

Yeah.

Dutch, no strudel, no Haagen sex, although I know you desperately want me.

Just a movie.

You may kiss the bride.

Not so fast, padre.

The ceremonial breaking of the glass.

[ Stomps ]

Mazel tov! Mazel tov! Mazel tov!

Mazel tov!

[ Festive Jewish music plays ]

[ "Jingle bells" plays ]

Roll credits.

[ Slow piano music plays ]

♪ Love comes ♪

♪ love goes ♪

♪ where to ♪

♪ nobody knows ♪

♪ and it's strange how feelings change ♪

♪ but it's all the same to me ♪

♪ with a little time ♪

♪ the feeling grows ♪

♪ her heart and mine ♪

♪ I know she knows ♪

♪ oh ♪

♪ I'm so happy now ♪

♪ oh, I was lost ♪

♪ but now I'm found ♪

♪ daddy was a good man ♪

♪ used to work the land ♪

♪ sometimes life would fight him ♪

♪ but he'd always understand ♪

♪ went to work every day ♪

♪ I can still hear him say ♪

♪ can't beat love, my son ♪

♪ to chase those blues away ♪

♪ ooh ♪

♪ with a little time ♪

♪ ooh ♪

♪ the feeling grows ♪

♪ ooh ♪

♪ her heart and mine ♪

♪ ooh ♪

♪ I know she knows ♪

♪ oh ♪

♪ I'm so happy now ♪

♪ I was lost ♪

♪ but now I'm found ♪

[ saxophone solo ]


♪ Oh ♪

♪ I'm so happy now ♪

♪ I was lost ♪

♪ but now I'm found ♪

♪ gonna learn to ♪

♪ brush these blues away ♪

♪ gonna learn to ♪

♪ smile every day ♪

♪ oh ♪

♪ I'm so happy now ♪

♪ oh, I was lost ♪

♪ but now I'm found ♪

♪ oh ♪

♪ oh ♪

♪ I'm so happy now ♪

♪ I'm so happy now ♪

♪ ohhh ♪

♪ oh, ohhh ♪

♪ I'm so happy now ♪

♪ I'm so happy now ♪

♪ ohhh ♪

♪ ooh, oh ♪

♪ I'm so happy now ♪

♪ ohhh ♪

♪ ohhh ♪

♪ I'm so happy now ♪

[ laughing ]