The Oranges (2011) Script

The question of happiness has preoccupied philosophers, poets and pharmaceutical companies for thousands of years.

Clearly, it's a tricky one.

When I graduated from design school three years ago, I had a definite plan.

Couple months at home, put together a kickass portfolio, then I'd take Manhattan by storm.

And here is home.

West Orange, New Jersey.

Nice, huh?

OK, it's not Manhattan, but, like I say, it's temporary.

I grew up here with two families.

That's my dad in blue, and that's his best friend, Terry.

The Inseparables.

They go jogging together three times a week without fail.

You can set your clock by it.

You could say life in the Oranges is dependable.

I can't believe you made me do this.

Good for your appetite. See you in an hour.

You can depend on Terry to have a gadget for everything.

Walked 1.2 miles. Only stopped twice.

That's great, honey.

And you can depend on Cathy to never hear a single word he says.

Make sure you put your bicycle in the garage.

And pull the pork out of the freezer, honey.

Across the street, our house.

Every year, my mom gets more involved with her carolling group.

They start rehearsing in August.

# Jingle bells Jingle all the way... #

And every year, my dad hates them a little bit more.

OK, sure. I'm still here. I'm a few years behind in my plan.

But you can't rush these things.

Portfolios need to be perfect, right?

Plus I have a day job working in furniture, so... far as I was concerned, everything was on track.

# Happy birthday to you... #

That is, until what happened... happened Nina Ostroff.

When all this started, she was at a safe distance, 3, 000 miles away in San Francisco.

I Happy birthday to you. I Make a wish, babe.

And I was the fifth wheel to our parents' regular Saturday foursome.

Say it again.


Un coup de birch.

Hey, Vanny.

I read the most interesting article called 'The IKEA Conspiracy', which you'd be really fascinated by.

What it imagines is a... Terry?

We need to call Nina. We said 9:30.

I'm on it.

Vanessa, did you look at that one-bedroom in Fort Lee?

Yeah. It was, um, like a closet in the basement.

There's always something, honey.

Don't be so choosy. Nothing's perfect.

There was, you know, one window.

Paige, did I tell you... No room to breathe.

...that Joan Marshack was the listing agent on that?

David, you are going to really love this.

This speaker box communicates wirelessly with my cell phone.

And guess where I read about it first.

'Consumer Reports'. Thank you so much for the subscription.

I'm really enjoying it. You are consumingly welcome.

I don't even have to take my cell phone out of my pocket.


Dial Nina.

Please repeat request.

Dial Nina.

Maybe your pants are blocking the signal.

They're cotton.

Nina's cell phone, dialling.

Nina - their daughter and my best friend from ages 0 to high school.

We spent hours together planning our big escape.

I'm gonna live in New York.

And Paris.

And I'm gonna be a famous chef and have a million lovers who'll take me all over the world so I never have to come back to New Jersey again.

It's like there's no air here, right?


You'll come too, right?

Are you kidding?

Until sophomore year, when she abandoned me for Liz Gaines and the Fun Bunch.

She also kissed and later gave a hand job to Peter Fortunate.

I'd been secretly in love with him forever.

Then, just as her parents were lining her up at some lame college in Pennsylvania, she decided she was going to travel the world.

Or at least those parts that were out of her mothefs cell phone range.


Happy birthday, sweetie!

Happy birthday! Happy birthday, Nina.

It's David and Paige. Vanessa's here too.

It's true. I'm here.

Hey, Ethan.

I think Nina's fucking parents are on the phone.

I didn't know I was having a party. It was a surprise.

Honey, we can't hear you.

Ethan threw me a surprise party.

It's so great.

Did you guys get the pictures I sent?

Yes, we did.

More young men should have earrings in their face.

What? I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Am I on speaker?

Nina, what day are you flying in for Thanksgiving?

Thanksgiving. Mom, um...

Uh, I don't think I'm gonna make it for Thanksgiving.

Ethan's photography show's next weekend, and it's a big deal.

Sweetie, we haven't seen you for two years.

You haven't been home in five years.

Since we visited you. That's a long time.


Can you take me off speaker, please?

Sorry, sweetie, I'd have to disconnect you to take you off speaker - it's a very complex system.


Look, you're not gonna like this, but...

Ethan and I are getting married.

He proposed two weeks ago on his birthday.

He took me out to Baker Beach, which overlooks the Golden Gate Bridge, and he got down on one knee and everything.

He proposed on his birthday? I don't understand.

I'm in love with him.

That's really great, sweetie, but...

You're only 24 years old.

Nobody gets married at 24 anymore.

People get married when they're 17.

Not white girls from New Jersey.

Shh! Would you listen to yourself?

No, you listen - you have made some very questionable decisions in your life.

Please don't add to the list by marrying some loser kid with zero future.

OK. I have an idea.

If you think he's such a loser, then don't come to the wedding!

Jesus, turn that thing down!

Down volume! Down volume!

Oh, God! Down volume!

You guys, it's getting late. The party's over, OK?

Love you. 'Bye.

Amy, did you see Ethan?




Uh, it's... Gimme a sec.

Come on. I want to get everybody out of here.

Hey, how's it going with the, uh, couples counsellor?

I don't know. She's so non-specific.

It's like talking to fog.

David and I know where we stand with each other.

That's how we've lasted this long. Somehow, it works.

Well, don't look at me. I just pretend Terry's invisible.

Notice anything different? I sure do.

Nice new mini fridge.

I think it really ties the room together.

-It's the Max 5950. -It's the one you recommended.

From the patio series. Good move.

Let's take a look in the mini ice compartment.

Oh, boy. It's really big, isn't it?

Now, this stuff is huge in Europe.

And we've just landed the American campaign.

No kidding? Congrats. Thanks.

Russians like it for breakfast.

Before the devil knows you're dead.

Boy, it's, um...

Well... Really not very good, is it?

-It's not good at all. No. No.

What's up with these sheets?

You, um...

...spending a little extra time out here?

Just a couple of nights a week.

Late-night TV.

You've gotta be fucking kidding me.

Oh, sh...

Nina? Wow!

David. Hi. It's been so long.

I thought you weren't coming back for Thanksgiving.

Yeah, well...


Are my parents here? Locked out.

They're in the back.

Last day of barbecue season.

What's going on?

You OK? David?

Paige wants to know what you did with the tong thing.

Hi, Mom.

I'm back for Thanksgiving.

We turned it into a second den.

If your father's in the first den and I want some privacy, I come here.

Honey, I have this really cool self-inflating mattress.

It fits perfectly in the corner and it is really comfy.

But, you know, we have your old bed frame out there in the... the garage - I can set it up for you.

Take me two...two se... No, that's fine.

I'll only be here a few days.

Why? Where are you going to now?

I don't know.

I haven't figured it out yet.

Well, why don't you stay here for a while?

I don't care - it's not like we haven't gotten used to you being gone.

Can you hold off on the guilt trips for just a little while, please?

I've had a rough couple days.

I'd never seen Nina with her tail between her legs.

But I didn't have time to gloat.

Back on our side of the street, we had our own problems.

That's not what I'm saying.

What about Christmas? Come on, Paige.

I'm trying here. Oh. Now I'm not trying.

Can't we have a simple conversation?

I make one suggestion... I don't want to go down there.

You seem oblivious... Come on, Paige...

I apologise for what I said about Ethan.

Were you waiting for me? I'm not your enemy. Nina!

When you're a parent some day, you'll understand what it feels like to have your child hate you.

In case you're wondering, that's your cue to say, "I don't hate you, Mom."

I don't hate you.

I just get furious thinking someone has hurt you.

Don't think I'm crazy. This is just a thought. But, uh...

Toby's coming home for Thanksgiving.

Oh, my God. He's gotten very attractive.

That's all I'm saying.

He works for the Federal Trade Commission.

Terrific. You date him.

Well, it's not like you two don't have history.

We kissed! Yeah.

Once, like, 10 years ago.

Can you at least let me unpack before pimping me out?

OK, fine. But I'm gonna tell you this for your own good.

You need to have a real relationship with a real man.

It's time you grew up already! Stop running away.

You know, you're right. I'm being selfish.

The best thing I can do right now is fulfil your insane suburban fantasy where I marry your best friend's son.

Now, you go call the catering hall and I'll lube my vagina.

That was uncalled for.

Uh, there's 12 of us in the delegation.

I'm really just... just assisting my boss.

But the goal is to tie our trade agreements to stricter environmental regulations since things are kind of a mess over there.

China. That's great. Yeah, thanks.

You are gonna have a great experience.

Yeah. Yeah. It's, like, a 30-hour flight.

Honey, what about Christmas? Don't worry, Mom.

I fly back on the 24th.

That sounds really great, Toby.

I hear that ultimate frisbee is exploding over there.

In China. The, uh...

The Beijing club team came in second at the World's.

If I see a game, I'll let 'em know I grew up across the street from the guy who invented it.

Well. It wasn't just me. It was also Jared Kass and, uh...

Honey? Joel Silver.

Of course, Joel gets most of the, you know...

...most of the play, being a big movie producer and all.


Where there's dessert, there's hope.

Your mom told me about what happened with that Ethan guy.

You OK?


I'm good, thanks.

So, what about you?

How's the liquor advertising business going?

Still pushing booze onto minors?

Yes, I am.

Actually, I just got a promotion.

I'm now executive vice-president, creative accounts.


Was that something you wanted?

Not really.

You want me to spoon this onto the plates?


Uh... Don't just eat it right out the carton.

Is it good?

It's cold. What?

Hey. I brought that ice-cream for the pies.

He made me eat it.

Well, Cathy wants to serve dessert.

Will you please bring in some plates?

I still need Christmas lists from everyone by tonight.

I'm leaving early tomorrow.

Black Friday. Don't make fun.

Last year, I got there at 3am and I was still 210 in line.

Why would anyone want to shop on the same day as everyone else?

I hear that they have fist fights and people throw their children at each other.

Terry! No. It's really a very...

Very communal, Christmassy experience. It's beautiful.

Listen, I know it's late, but I think we should have a toast.

It's Thanksgiving. We have so much to be thankful for.

Toby is going to China.

Very exciting.

Nina is finally back at home.

And Vanessa continues to live among us, bringing us joy every day.

To the Walling and Ostroff clans.

Who knew that two families could get this close?

Hear, hear.

I still think we could be a little closer.

Well said.

Man, I thought your mom was going to applaud when she saw us leave together.

The woman is a total lunatic.

In the first three years I was gone, she sent me letters from the cat.

"Dear Nina, Don't be difficult.

"Call your mother on her birthday."

That's great, actually. I kind of like that.

Now you understand why I never came back.

Yeah. No, I hear ya. But...

I'm glad you did.

Shut up.

Dance with me.


You OK?

I need to get some water.

Can I get some water? OK. Sit down, wild man.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Hey. Toby needs water.

What are you doing up?

Just watching a little TV in the man cave.

Man cave? It's the pool house.

I got one of those worldwide sports...

...something something package your dad recommended.

There's this Korean basketball league which is completely crazy.

You know, it's not good to eat peanut butter this late at night.

It'll make you fat.

I'm not fat.

You will be if you keep eating like that at 2:00 in the morning.

And where'd you pick this little factoid up?

I worked in a lot of restaurants.

Restaurants that serve peanut butter?

Look, do whatever you want.

I'm just saying that you wouldn't look good fat.

I should get back downstairs.

Yeah, make your mother very happy. You know that.

It's what I live for.

Hi. Hi.

What happened to Toby?

I cut him up in little pieces and put him in the fridge for later.

Who's playing?

I have no idea.

It''s the, um...

...guys in red against the... the guys in white.

White. I got it. Yeah. Yeah.

Go, reds.

Or White.

You know.

Oh, fuck.

One bedroom, high ceilings. Close to the PATH train.

Ooh, washer dryer.

Plus it's crazy bright. Yeah.

Well, that's morning light.

I don't want that.

Wow, that's, like, your best excuse in two weeks.

Hello, Koosers.

Did you sell that dresser? I did not.

She's not interested in the apartment, Henry.

I told you.


What do you mean, "I told you"?

You've been talking about moving out for two years.

You know what? I'm saving money. Alright?

I have a very definite plan.

You mean that "stay at home, corrode your soul" plan?

No, no - the plan where I move to the city and I work with a big designer.

I've already made serious contacts.

From where'?

Huffman Koos? Well, you know me and her and Marlon.

Hey, I'm serious. We're worried about you.

OK, thank you. I got it under control.

You guys go worry about yourselves.

Wow. There she is.

1 pm. Very impressive.

So? Did you have fun last night?

I'm sure you'd love a full report.

You know, some mothers and daughters actually talk about these things, like friends.

It's not happening.

Well, maybe Toby will be better company than you.


Try and control yourself.

Hey, Nina.

Morning, Cathy. Good morning, Tobias.

Uh, you forgot your sweater. Thank you.

Can I get you some breakfast, honey?

No, thanks. I'm OK. Thanks.

Well, I'll give you two some privacy.

There you are.

I can hear you hovering out there!


You're looking a little crispy this morning.

Oh, thank you. You can really put 'em away.

Did I, uh... Did I pass out?

Yeah. Mmm, pretty much.

Sorry about that.

No. Um...

Look. Uh, I was thinking.

I had a really fun time last night before passing out, and...

...I'm supposed to have dinner with my folks tonight.

And being as I'm leaving in two days, I thought, you know, maybe you'd like to join us so we could hang out more.

Yeah. Dinner with you and your parents, it...sounds great.

Come on, Toby. Hold.

Alright. OK.

Let's go, Toby. Hold.

Toby, it's called the fast-moving tile game.


Let's go, Toby. Hold!


Actually, just go out ahead of me.


5, the 13. I'm out!

What? Ah. Yes.

Now, who's gonna help me with the dishes?

I will, Mom. Wait.

Hang on a sec. I gotta take this. It's work.

This is Toby.

Oh, hello, sir.


No, no, it's no problem. Yeah.

I think maybe I'll go pick up a movie in case you want to watch something later.

That sounds fun. I'll come with you.

Keep you company while Toby does the dishes.


What happened last night was a mistake.

OK? No, you're right.

Relax, OK? It was nothing.

And you stopped it. You're absolved.

Hello in there?

Is there anyone in there?

You just have to instigate trouble.

I do not instigate trouble.

Well, OK.

Well, then, Why'd you come to dinner tonight?

Toby invited me.

And now that we're talking about instigators, you leaned into me.

I leaned into you?

I leaned... I did not lean. Yes, you did.

You leaned into me. What?!

Oh... He said, she said.

He said, she said.

Where did that come from?

I have no idea where that came from.

I'm not instigating.

I've been thinking about getting one of those giant electric snow globes.

You ever seen one of those? Really big ones?



We're in here, honey.

I'm going out.


Well, don't you look nice?


So is Toby taking you somewhere?

Uh, yeah. OK. OK.

Fine. Mom!

Give me some room.

Fine. Have fun.

Is she eating with us?

Toby is taking her out. She was all dressed up.

Toby already left for DC. What?

Yeah, first thing this morning.

Some congressman wanted to be with the delegation before they went to China.

"Left this morning." Oh, shit!

H-hello? Mom?

Listen. I lied earlier.

I'm not going out with Toby.

He actually left for Washington this morning.

Oh? Yeah.

I'm meeting Meredith Lovett. Remember her?

I didn't tell you because I know you don't like her.

Oh, honey, thank you. Thank you for telling me.

You know... You don't have to lie to me.

I know.

So where are you going?

Uh, we're going to the Regal to see a movie.

Uh, Mom?

Thanks...for being so cool and letting me come back and stay and everything.

I've been feeling really tossed around lately, so...

You know. Thanks for being there.

OK, well... I'll see you later for dinner.

Oh, my...



What are you...? I'm, uh...

What are you... I'm not, uh... Nothing.

Paige and I had a fight, and I spent the night here. So...

Oh, my God!

Hey, Nina.

What are you... Oh, my God!

Cathy! Slow down.

Slow down? I can read an ice bucket, David.

Cathy. Oh, my God!

I'm gonna throw up!

Jesus, David! Paige, listen to me.

Just tell me how long it's been going on.

We kissed. That's it.

Then what the hell were you doing in a goddamn motel room?


I'm sorry. The whole thing was wrong.

But let's be honest.

Things have not been good between us for a long time.

Oh, God, don't do that.

Don't apologise and then blame me in the same sentence.

Come on, Paige. You're not happy either.

It's not about being happy, David!

Well, then, what is it?

Jesus, say something already.

I will say something when I want.

You don't get to decide when I say something. I decide!

Then decide already! I'll decide.

You have caused some serious trouble in the past, young lady.

Don't you roll your eyes at me.

I'm sorry, it doesn't work when you try to play the stern father - it looks like you're pretending.

Your father is not pretending! We are furious!

I'm not pretending.

David and I, we like each other.

Oh, my God. We've always been close.

It's not like we planned this. It just happened.

You like each other? Yeah.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

I know what this is - this is some sick revenge because we weren't supportive of you and Ethan.

So now you're gonna teach us a lesson.

Believe it or not, Mom, this isn't about you!

And now that you mention it, you're the one who told me that I should find myself a man and not a boy.

Oh, God! Paige is leaving!

I bet you didn't think about her for a second.

I wasn't thinking about any of you.

Like I said, it just happened! Where are you going?

Across the street. No, you're not.

Nina, get back here. Nina! Terry, do something.



I'm sorry.

Don't be.

What did you say to your mother?

I told her I liked you.

Alright, well, it's time to kill myself.

Somebody shoot me. Vanessa.

No. You know what? Don't even try to explain this.

And you, well...

I thought the Peter Fortunato hand job was bad.

Would you fuck off?

I'll fuck off when you blow me, slut.

Oh, great.

Look, Van, this has nothing to do with you.

What do you mean, it has nothing to do with me?

Oh, man, Terry.

I am so sorry.


Whoa! Ow! Ouch!

Dad! OK, I hurt my ankle. Ow.

You OK? No, I'm not OK. Ow.

Old cow eating young grass.

Uh, that's a saying when older man go with a much younger woman.

Man, you Asian people have the best expressions.

Don't worry, Vanessa. Usually, it doesn't last.

At first, I thought Henry was right, as the old cow clearly had regrets.

But it wasn't so simple.

My mother packed her things and moved into the only B & B in town...

Well, there's no other guests at the moment, so you can take your pick of any one of the 10 rooms we have.

...and was determined to make my dad pay for what he had done.

I'll take all of them.

My dad, left on his own, moped for days and endlessly checked to see if my mom wanted to talk.

She didn't.

When I dated Andrew Hester, he was 28.

And I learned so much from him.

Meanwhile, the young grass moved in with her deep-thinking friend, Meredith Lovett...

They're older. They're just better at everything, right?

...and sat there hoping that my dad might call.

He didn't.

He kept trying to call Terry, but...

...Terry wasn't ready to talk.

They hadn't gone for a morning jog in weeks.

Nina was now responsible for breaking up two couples.

Cathy visited my mother every day and, in an attempt to relieve her guilt over what her daughter had done, brought kettle corn.

Lots of it.

Probably 'cause there isn't a Hallmark card that says, "Sony my daughter tried to bang your husband."

And as for me, I was stuck between my mother, who continued to bury her feelings in holiday cheer...

That's very lovely, Paige. The middle range needs tuning.

I'm on it.

...and my dad, who started acting like everything was OK.

Look good here, right?

Which was harder to take than the moping.

So does this mean you're done avoiding me?

I was not avoiding you. I... I needed time to think.

And I want to make sure that everything's OK between us.

Are you breaking up with me?

Because I didn't know we were together.

I just think that we should just keep away from each other.

I think that would be best for everyone now.


Yeah. Fine.

If that's what you want.


So we're good.


Old friends.

OK, so, what do you want me to do?

You want me to go? Or... I could stay. Or...

You can do whatever you want. You can go, you can stay.

Oh, my God. Can you stop?

I don't even recognise you. Can't we just be normal?

What's normal'?

My wife has left me.

I betrayed everyone I care about.

I don't do this.

I'm not that guy. OK. OK. Look.

I'm willing to go along with whatever you want here, David.



Let me ask you one question.

Are you happy?

It's not about being happy.

If you could lean across this table right now and kiss me...

...and no-one would say it was wrong and there were no rules...

...would you do it?

That's a stupid question. I'm not gonna answer that.

Would you do it?

What, if there were no rules? Yeah. Sure, I would.

There are no rules.

# Deck the halls, deck the halls, deck the halls

# Deck the halls with boughs of holly

# Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

# For 'tis the season to be jolly

# Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

# Don we now our gay apparel

# Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

# Troll the ancient yuletide carol

# Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

# Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la

# La-la. #

Very good. Very good, people.

Let's remember to watch the pace.

Christmas is three weeks away.

I know there have been requests to start the Christmas Eve walk-and-sing earlier.

If we get going by 4:00, then we will still have time to make Christmas dinner.

That's great, Diane, but it's not dark out at 4:00, and if it's not dark out, then the candles are pretty useless.

Right? Uh, my parents are coming.

I need to start at least by 5:00.

We always sing at 6:00! Every year.

We can't just change things because you feel like it.

Or you feel like it, or you feel like it.

Some things need to stay the same.

Now, if this little bitch session is over, I would like to move on to the 'Tannenbaum' medley.

We have got...51 hours before I have to be back at work.

Atlantic City - where New Jersey comes to hide.

Are you prepared?

Give me a dollar, yo.

# ..for more time than I saw

# It seems so small

# The tide swept inside of me almost entirely

# All that I thought was a constant had floated away... #


# So I just stay

# Will you wait for me? #

# We'll just wait and see

# The moon on the water is carried to the land

# As the seagulls were silent, I heard what you said so clear

# We can't stay here

# So clear

# We can't stay here

# Stay clear

# We can't stay here. #

It's pouring with rain and the mud and rocks are flying down the trail, and I really wanted to push on, but this ranger said that he'd arrest us both if we didn't go right back down.

Which sucks, 'cause... we were only three peaks short.

Wait, so, if you climb all 46 peaks, what does that mean - you get a prize, or...?

No. You do not get a prize.

But you'd get to call yourself a 46er.

Which, in some circles, is pretty spectacular.

Sounds... David!

Hey. How's it going, buddy?

Hey. You remember Anne?

Anne, sure. Hi. Yes. Hi, David.

Uh, Nina, this is, uh, Gideon Allen, who I work with, and Anne.


Nice to meet you. Nina and I are, uh...

We're old friends.

It's nice to meet you, Nina.

So, uh...

You guys come here a lot?

Few times a year.

Uh, Anne's actually a fantastic poker player.

Do you guys want to join us?

Um... You know what?

There's a stud tournament starting in a couple of minutes.

So... You didn't come here to eat?

No - we're just checking out the menu, for when we eat later.

Well, if we're still here, you can join us then.

Yeah. Nice to meet you.

See you later maybe. That would be great.

Yeah. -'Bye. Nice to meet you.

That was Gideon and Anne.

Hey. There she is.

You back from your "need to think" vision quest?

Yeah. Took a ride out to the beach. Really cleared my head.

Where'd you stay?

Uh, I stayed at a bed-and-breakfast.

It's really nice in the winter. The air.

I'm gonna make some coffee. You want some?

I don't drink coffee.


What if you and I took a trip, out to where I was, near Point Pleasant?

You used to love it there. Just the two of us? Together?

Yeah. Just like we used to.

Be great. There's nobody around. It's...

Yeah. Sure. Maybe.


We just didn't want to lie to you anymore.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you both for showing such good judgment.

Um... I'm gonna go home. Vanessa, please stay.

No, let her go. She'll never understand.

Never understand what?

What, that you have to go from man to man to validate your pathetic existence?

Terry, you want to go? You and me? Make out in the back?

Huh? Right now. Let's go. Let's do it.

Vanessa! David!

You told me that this situation with my daughter was finished.

It was over. Terry, it was.

Look, we both realise that this is wrong.

Oh, you think?

And, yeah, I know, it's selfish, and it's...'s, uh...

It's unacceptable. OK.

But if it makes us happy, why do we have to stop it?

I don't want to stop. I don't want to stop.

I want to be happy.

What do you plan on doing?

Are you going to stay in New Jersey?

I'll get a job in a restaurant.

I've already called Shelly. He said he could use the help.

Shelly's restaurant is serious.

I'm serious. I've worked in a serious restaurant before.

So, if you want us to take you seriously, then let me ask you a few questions.


Would you say that the connection you're feeling is genuine, that what you have is real?

Yes. Yes.


Now, we're all aware there's a significant age difference here.

If what we're feeling is real, and genuine, then age doesn't matter.

I guess, then, what I'm asking is, Nina, honey...

...are you OK sucking David's old balls?

Cathy! Oh, my God.

Cathy. It's a legitimate question.

His balls are much older than her.

Vanessa! You are being such an asshole.

Do not call your mother an a-hole in this house!

Thank you, Terry! Thank you.

I'm sorry I lied to you.

This is a nightmare.

I mean, I...I understand you're going through this, like, pathetic meltdown or something, but, like, if you had to fuck somebody half your age, did it have to be her?

Oh, and by the way, Dad, um, what about Mom?

It was right about then that shit started to really get weird.

My father started calling in sick to work a lot.

Gadgets McGee was unnerved to see Nina with my dad.

But he was also struck by how alive his friend seemed.

Inspired to recapture his own lost youth, or something, he went online and found a pick-up ultimate frisbee game in Paramus.

Hey, guys! You, uh... you got room for one more?

No daylight. No daylight.

So it was really Jared Kass and I, and Joel Silver...

Joel Silver, the movie producer?

Yeah. Yeah.

My mother had been making herself mysteriously unavailable.

But, as all our neighbours discovered...

...she hadn't completely lost sight of the Christmas spirit.


Everything was changing.


No-one even recognised each other anymore.

Smoothie? Oh, good God.

Very good.

Now kiss the chef.

Maybe they are really in love.

You said it doesn't last.

You said that the grasses only wanted the cows for their money.

Usually that is the case, but not always.

Your dad is pretty cute. Don't be gross, OK?

Just because you haven't gotten laid in, like, three weeks.

Perhaps your problem is more with Nina than your father.

Oh, is that so, Henry? Why is that?

Because maybe you are jealous, because she has travelled many places and has lived, because she takes chances.

No. You know what?

You, my friend, have breathed in a little too much of this cheap pine wax, OK?

'Cause she's a selfish skank. And he's selfish too.

Yeah, but if he really is happier with her and you make him stop, then you're the one who's being selfish.

That is maybe the most intelligent thing you have ever said.


What is Barnyard International?

Well, um... See those presents you got at babyGap?

Instead of giving those to a baby who might already have lots of clothes, why not help a baby who doesn't have any food?

They're not for a baby.

They're for my husband's new girlfriend.

Here's some pamphlets.

"One goat can provide a family

"with enough milk for an entire year."

It's like the Christmas gift that keeps giving.

Yeah. It is.

That's good. Can I use that?


Oh, yes! Oh! Oh!

There are gift receipts inside, if anyone wants to return them.

I think after Christmas Eve, we should demand that Paige have dinner with us.

What are you doing?

Come here.

I have toothpaste in my mouth. I don't care.

Come here.

OK. Thank you for dropping me off.

I got you these.

Chef's clogs.

You said after working last night, your feet hurt, so...

You're so sweet.

OK. You're gonna make me late.


That was fast. Yeah.




What's up?


Come on. Tell me what's wrong.

I... I love you, Nina.

You shit. You suck. I wanted to say it first.

Well, now I'm not saying it. You blew it, buddy.

I'm just kidding. I love you too.

You guys were married for 28 years.

If anyone should call, it should be him.

Do you have any perfume? No.

What?! Where are you even going?

Well, I read about a late-evening cabaret show that begins at 9:30.

I'm taking myself out. Cabaret?

Am I the only one who's dealing with this?

I mean, don't you want to come back home?

I'm not sure.

I'm having a good time for once.

I'd like to see you do the same.

Let's go, guys! Pick up the pace!

Hey, Mondo! Where's my rigatoni? Let's go!

Bring it up, parmigiana.

Nina! Plate 27!

Alright, guys-

On 24, I got a mahi mahi and a chicken parmigiana.

Thanks for sending her to me. She's a good worker.

Well, that's great. Chef likes her.

Haven't seen you and Paige for a while. It's good to see you.

Enjoy. Thanks.

Done with your appetiser, sir? Sorry?

Done with your appetiser, sir?

Yeah. That... Yeah. That's great. Thanks.


Hi, Paige.

Nice move on the Christmas card.

Thank you.

Dining alone? Uh, yeah. I guess.

So how are you doing? Is everything...

Sit down. Don't have to make this uncomfortable.


Plus, you know how I hate pleasantries.

What about you?

You look happy.

Things are OK. You know, I'm...

If you're happy, you can say so.

You don't need to spare my feelings. genuine, David, please.


Yes. I'm happy-

Thank you.


Look, I know there's nothing I can say...

Then don't try.

Paige, stop. Please.

This is exactly how we got to this.

OK, not exactly. It's partly.

We stopped talking to each other.

I used to love who I was around you.

What happened to us?

We used to have fun. Remember that?

We used to laugh. God, you were so funny.

I'm still funny.

I'm... Ask them.

Shelly just fired me!

Hey, hey.

What happened? Oh! This is fucking bullshit!

What? Why? Because he's not an idiot.

He saw you and Paige, and he saw me, and he figured it out.

He said he didn't want to be in the middle of it.

And I was good at that job!


Why were you talking to her?

She came into the restaurant.

What do you expect me to do?

I saw you sitting with her, and I just thought...

Thought what?

I don't know.

You looked normal together.

Can we please get out of here?

# I really can't stay

# But, baby, it's cold outside

# I've got to go away # But, baby, it's cold outside

# This evening has been...

# Been hoping that you drop in

# So very nice

# I'll hold your hands They're just like ice

# My mother will start to worry... I Hi. Mrs Ostroff'?

We've never met.

But I'm Ethan.

You're our leader. You can't quit!

Christmas Eve is in, like, six days. They're counting on us.

Try and calm down. Calm down.

Calm down. Order!

I know you're upset.

But you're all dedicated and talented singers.

Marcus will take over as leader.

What?! Marcus?

Why are you even doing this? Yeah.

Well, I believe these pamphlets should explain everything.

Each cow or goat will allow its recipient independence and self-sufficiency for years to come.

And that's pretty great, isn't it?

Shelly, this has nothing to do with you.

No, I know it's complicated.

No. I understand.

Thanks for calling back.

Told you.

He'll write you a reference, but...

Yeah. He doesn't want to get involved.

This isn't gonna work. I need to find another job.

I can't stay at Meredith's rent-free.

I know.

And I can't stay here, across the street from my parents.

I love you. But... What the fuck?

Ethan? What the hell is going on?

What are you doing here? Ethan? Like, Ethan Ethan?

How did you get in here? Your mom gave me the keys.

She told me to let myself in, like you might not hear the bell.

Look, Ethan, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

You can ask, but I'm not gonna. Who is this?

Ethan, this is David - David and Paige, my parents' best friends from across the street.

Why are you telling your parents' friend that you love him?

The door's open. What's going on?

Nina, I need to talk to you.

Can we go somewhere for, like, five minutes?

Ethan! I think you should leave.

Ethan Ethan? Yes! Just five minutes!

She said no, Ethan.

I'm gonna ask you one more time to get out of here.

And if I don't, Pops, what are you gonna do about it?


'Dad! Hey!

David! Dad!

Get off me!

# Your eyes are like starlight now

# To break this spell

# I'll take your hat Your hair looks swell... #

Why don't you go fuck...

What? Nothing.

Its OK.

# Baby, it's cold outside. #

Yes, I cheated on you. And for that, I am deeply sorry.

But here's the thing. I'm a sabotager.

See, any time anything good happens to me, I...I...I just try and ruin it, you know, because I get scared.

Now, things with us were really...real.

But I didn't feel like I deserved you, so I became the sabotager and, like, destroyed it.

That's great, Ethan.

But we can't just go on and pretend like everything's fine because you learned a new term about yourself.

And I don't even think 'sabotager' is a word.

OK. Please allow me to finish.

See, I think you're a sabotager also.

You totally pushed for us to get married so you could, like, prove to your parents that, you know, you were this responsible person.

But simultaneously, you were just trying to piss them off by marrying someone like me.

I've moved on.

OK? David and I... David and you...

He's your parents' best friend. For Christ's sakes.

I mean, what... Are you gonna move here to New Jersey?

You hate it here.

We're done.

OK? Go home.

I only bought a one-way ticket.

Well, I'm not giving up on us, Nina!

I love you too much for that!


What are you doing with my bag?

Huh? Nothing. Just getting it some air.

Give me my bag. No.

Give me my bag!

Eat me, dick slut. Give me my bag, Vanessa!

No, Nina!

No! Give me my bag!

No! No! Give it to me!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Give it!


Oh, honey. Uh...


I'm sorry, Dad.



Uh, you know, leave it be. It's's a badge of honour.

You sure? Yeah.

There's aloe on the pad to prevent scarring.

OK. Um...

You know, I'm good. I'm, uh...I'm good.

I'm so sorry about all this horrible...


I'm just...


You know, my parents were kinda weird.

That's why I'm, um...

Sometimes it's really hard to say everything you want to.

You know...

Your father, he loves you.

Just don't let that get confused with everything that's happening.




...Pasquerella, this is Greg from Barnyard International.

I'm wondering if I could interest you in sponsoring a goat.

Funding for Barnyard International...

Well, thank you very much, Mr lngber, and, uh...I...

...and I'm sure the people of Komanesk, Ukraine, who will be receiving the chickens, thank you as well.

Merry Christmas. 'Bye. Great job, Paige.

You're a natural.

Thank you.

It'll be a great Christmas.

Oh, fuck!

Are you out of your mind? What? I'm not on his lawn.

I'm in the street. The street's public property.

I told you to go home. Yeah.

And I totally bought a return ticket.

But guess what. I'm not using it.

I'm not leaving until you give me another chance.

Nina, I'm not, which is why I ripped up that ticket, in my mind.

'Cause it's an e-ticket.

Look... I've moved on. I'm with someone else now.

You need to get over me.

Yeah, see, that's, like, the whole thing!

I don't want to get over you!

Nina! Please!

# Those streetlights start to fade away

# I see the quiet on you when you're sleeping

# Probably dreaming day

# We had the perfect... #




I'm glad you stopped.

I've been playing a lot of ultimate.

I'm going to play some.

That's great.

I miss you, Terry.

You might want to find Vanessa.

Why? What happened?

You should probably let her tell you.

Harry, cut the shit. What happened?


This is a mess.



If you want me to end this, I will.

I'm serious.

I know it may not seem like it lately, but... are the most important thing in the world to me.

I don't know.

I mean, then what happens?

You know...

I don't know.

# Oh, the weather outside is frightful

# But the fire is so delightful

# And since we've no place to go

# Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

# Man, it doesn't show signs of stopping... #

What are you doing, Ethan?

# The lights are turned way down low... #

Paige, I want you to stop avoiding me.

Terry and I are spending Christmas Eve with you.

This tradition is continuing.

So get your ass over here or I'll get really mad.


I love you. 'Bye.

How was that? Too forceful?

# Oh, the fire is slowly dying

# And, my dear, we're still goodbye-mg..- #

Oh, shit.

# But as long as you love me so

# Let it snow, let it snow Hey. Merry Christmas. # Let it snow. #

Yeah. Same, uh... same to you.


Hello? Anyone home?

Hey! Hi.

Toby. Nina. What's going on?

Oh. Oh...

I really missed you. Did you get my postcards?

Uh... No. No? That's so funny.

I sent 'em to your... your mom's house.

Is everyone already over here? Call that guy...

Hey, Toby. You're back. Hey.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas.

What's with that guy outside?

How the hell could you not tell me Mom and Dad split up?

How could nobody tell me? What could you do?

You were in China. How was that, by the way?

Just get your ass over here.

You're not leaving me alone with them.

Look, I can't, OK? I'm at work.

And where the hell is Mom'?

Merry Christmas.

'Bye. Say hi to your family.

Putting aside the enormous and nauseating age difference between you two, you do realise that I've kissed her twice?

No, once. We never kissed on Thanksgiving.

Oh, well, everything is fine, then.

Toby, come on. Uh, look. I know you're upset.

But try to understand. Understand what?

That I am the first son in history to be cock-blocked by his father?

Oh, good. I haven't missed anything.

Toby. Toby!

Excuse me.

Merry Christmas.

What are you doing? Oh.

My ex-girlfriend is inside that house there.

I'm trying to win her back.

You must love her very much to be standing out here like this.

I do.

She's got this new boyfriend, and he lives here, but...

She should really be with me.

You're Ethan, right?


My husband is the new boyfriend of your ex-girlfriend.

# Joy to the world

# The Lord is come

# Let earth receive her king # Joy to the world

# Let every heart prepare him room

# And heaven and nature sing # Nature sing I And heaven and nature sing! # Nature sing!

I And heaven and heaven and nature sing I Joy to the earth

# The Saviour reigns

# Let men their songs employ... I Ethan...

Would you step aside for a moment, please?


Oh, Cathy, I think Paige is here.

Oh, thank God. I knew she'd come.

What is she doing?

Merry Christmas, Paige.

It's about to be.

# Sleigh bells ring Are you listening?

# In the lane, snow is glistening... #

My God! No! Oh!

# A beautiful sight We're happy tonight

# Walking in a winter wonderland

# Gone away... #

What the hell is she doing?


No, no, no!

Holy shit!

# Walking in a winter wonderland

# In the meadow, we can build a snowman... #

Terry, do something! Oh!

Paige, for God's sake, what are you doing?

Hello, David.

Oh, my God!

David! Go left!

David, run! Whoa!

Mom, stop! Paige, stop it!

Stay still, you! Paige!

Oh! The globe! No!

Oh, Terry.

Globey! Paige, for God's sake!

Run, David! Careful, David!

David! Get in the house! Get in the house!

Get back in the house!


Sorry about the noise, Robert!

Merry Christmas, Marion! Paige?

Merry Christmas, dear. Are you alright?

Aren't you gonna come over to our house for a bit of dinner?

Thank you for the invitation, but it's Christmas Eve, and I want to spend it with my children.

But I made your favourite duck!

I made the duck with the peaches.

I don't think it's a good idea...

Are you out of your mind? What is wrong with you?

You have got some serious problems.

I'm not the only one. Jesus!

Oh, Toby. You're back.

Oh, you came home for Christmas. Mmm.

Hi, Mom. I told you I'd be back.

I know. I know. Thank you, honey. Thank you.

Hi, sweetie. Hi, Mom.

Hi. Hello.

What happened here? Nothing. It's fine.

Paige, do you think maybe you should...

Just a moment, please? OK?

Toby. How was China?

It was really great. Yeah. I...brought you a present.

You did? Thank you, honey. Can I have it'?

Yeah, OK. Paige.

David. Not now, OK? Let's just enjoy this.

Come on. Let's sit.

I actually brought everyone presents, since, uh, you know, nobody bothered to tell me what the fuck was going on.



Holy night...

Dad. Nina.



Thank you, Toby.

So nice, Toby.

Thank you.

Thank you, honey. You're very thoughtful.

Well, you're welcome. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.


I'd like to say a few words.

When I was a junior counsellor at camp, my favourite camper made me a...


...a candle shaped like a Star of David.

Do you mind if I... Of course. Of course.

All of you are...

...the closest people in my life.

And normally, we'd now be eating some of Paige's butter cookies and, uh...

...drinking Terry's eggnog, which you brought over in the ceramic elf bowl.

And it's easy to say that we can just go back to that.

But there's no going back.

For either one of us.

No. There's not.

Oh, honey.


I have something I'd like to say.

Nina, honey, I don't think this is a good time.

I know, but...


I'm sorry.

Jesus, Paige!

Some day, I might actually thank you for all of this.

You OK?


Maybe we should just get outta here.

I'm off till New Year's.

I've got three weeks of vacation time.

We can just go to Mexico or something.

We could go tomorrow.

Just go online, book tickets.

Then what happens?

I'm serious, David. Then what?

I don't know.

Did I ruin your life? No.

No, that is the last thing you did.

I'm sorry.

You are so amazing.

So beautiful.

And you are gonna be even more amazing.

Well, we'll see.

# But you are my star

# Nina, Nina Nina, Nina

# I'm sorry I cheated on you

# I won't do it again... #


On the day after Christmas, Henry said, "Sometimes you have to burn down your house

"in order to see the moon."

Another Asian saying, but this time I knew what he meant.

I think Nina would understand it too.

She broke up with everyone that night.

She said she wanted to try being alone for once.

As for me, I really didn't have a plan or anything, but...

...I'd saved just enough to afford my own place in the city.

And let me stress, just enough.

My dad was pretty mopey for a while but also fairly awesome in his misery.

He even helped me furnish my new apartment, with stuff from Huffman Koos.

You think? Yeah.

Terry and Cathy were thrilled that things were over with my dad and Nina.

But not nearly as thrilled as they were with Terry's latest gadget.


I'm gonna switch gears. Terry!

I'm gonna switch gears. Terry! Ooh!

My mother expanded her humanitarian efforts with Barnyard International.

I think she finally realised that she had gifts to offer beyond Christmas.

I hear Nina travelled around Europe for a while and eventually got a job at a fancy restaurant in Rome.

This year, her parents are going to visit her for Thanksgiving.

I'm not saying what happened last Christmas happened solely because of Nina.

I'm saying maybe what happened needed to happen, even for me.

Ah! Whoa! Whoa!

My dad came into the city the other day to celebrate my new job.

He told me he offered the house to my mom but...

...she didn't want it.

He thought about selling but decided to hold onto it for when Toby and I come visit.

He's still figuring things out.

But, luckily, he has his best friend to help with that.

# I saw you, I found you

# I watched you grow

# Slowly but surely

# We ebb and we flow

# I felt a change

# Deep in my bones

# Something new

# Has grown

# I was inside waiting

# Eyes open wide

# I felt the ground beneath me wake

# I felt a change

# Deep in my bones

# Something new

# Has grown

# Up in your room

# Was a great silent storm

# Clouds have cleared

# The air was sweet and warm. #