The Pacifier (2005) Script

Atten-hut!

Here's our man. Professor Howard Plummer.

He's been kidnapped by a group of Serbian rebels.

I know we've been up for 72 hours, but I expect perfection.

Nothing else.

The enemy has a boat, four jet skis, and a chopper.

I'll take you guys in until we hit radar range.

Then you'll dive from there.

Once we hit our target, Red One, Red Two, you take out our escorts.

I'll handle the chopper, and I'll find the professor.

Red Three, you radio in for our copter.

Do you copy? Sir, yes sir!

Do you copy? Sir, yes sir!

We are SEALS. And this is what we do.


Ah!

Red Two, handle the boat.

I'll take care of the bozos on the jet ski.

Ah!

Oh!


Gotcha.

Lieutenant Shane Wolfe, U.S. Navy.

Where is the briefcase?

It's right behind you. Man, am I glad to see you.

I never thought I'd see my family... I'll get you out.

We're gonna do it my way. No highway option.

Yeah, I'm with you. Absolutely.

Lieutenant, thank you so much for saving my life.

If I had died back there, my wife, she would've killed me.

Just a joke.

Do you mind if I call my wife to tell her I'm okay?

I have strict orders to get you out of here safely.

We gotta keep moving.

Lieutenant, I am safe. Please. She thinks I'm dead.

All right, make it quick. Okay.

Zoe, Seth, Lulu, Peter, Tyler.

It's voice activated.

Hey.

These are my kids.

You'd like 'em. They're really great.

I doubt it. Hurry up.

Hey! We're almost ready.

Give us another sec.

Professor!

The doctor says you've healed up real good, Shane.

I should've been out of here weeks ago.

Look, I know heads are gonna roll for this.

Hey, you took a bullet.

Yeah, but I want you to know I take full responsibility for what happened to the professor.

Plummer was the best security expert the Department of Defense ever had.

He was working on a program to scramble launch codes that he called "GHOST":

Guided High-altitude Scrambling Transmitter.

One pulse from a GHOST satellite and a country can't launch its own nukes.

That's why the Serbians kidnapped him.

They must have thought that GHOST was in that briefcase.

GHOST is still out there.

Which is why I'm sending you back in.

I know you've never lost anybody before, Shane.

I was with your father when he led a platoon...

With all due respect, I'd appreciate it if we kept my father out of this.

All I'm saying is that it happens to the best of them.

And you're the best.

I need someone I can trust on this and I know I can trust you. Okay.

I'll put a team together.

No. It's not that kind of mission.

This is at the top of the Pentagon's priority list.

Two days ago, I got a call from Admiral Blair.

It seems that the professor's widow contacted him.

Whoever killed her husband must think that GHOST is still in that house.

Now, maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

A safety deposit box has been discovered in Zurich in the Plummers' name.

I've been assigned to escort Mrs. Plummer there to retrieve the contents.

We're hoping it's the GHOST program.

In the meantime, someone needs to watch over those kids.

That's where you come in.

While there, you'll be looking for the hidden program as well.

Ah!

You must be Lieutenant Wolfe! Admiral Blair said you'd be coming.

Come on in. Meet the rest of the gang.

Come on.

Kids! Get your butts down here and say hello!

Okay, you've already met Lulu. This is Zoe, Seth and Peter.

Kids, this is Lieutenant Wolfe.

He's gonna stay with you while I'm away.

Hi. Hi.

Oh! This is Helga and Tyler.

Ma'am. Baby.

That's a pretty dress. Thank you.

I have date with butcher tonight.

I want to look nice.

Ah!

You have a pleasant family.

Well, for the younger ones, I think it hasn't really sunk in yet.

It's been hardest on Zoe and Seth.

But they don't really like to talk about it.

Well, it must be hard on all of you.

Howard wasn't around much.

His work took him all over the world.

He'd be gone six, seven months at a time.

Yeah, I can understand that lifestyle.

Anyway, about a week ago, someone broke into the house. No one was home.

I didn't tell the kids 'cause I didn't wanna scare them.

Mrs. Plummer, I've dealt with...

Ow! Oh, my God!

I'm sorry. That's Gary. He was Howard's.

Gary, down!

He bit me.

Yeah, well, he thinks he's a guard dog.

Mrs. Plummer? Oh, call me Julie. Please.

I'm gonna go outside and have a look around.

Out, out.


I'm gonna miss you. Mmm...

I'm gonna miss you too.

I'll be back in 48 hours, okay?

Bye, pumpkin. I love you, pumpkin.

Oh, and kids? Remember, whatever Lieutenant Wolfe asks you to do, do it.

Mom, chill. We're gonna be fine.

I'm sorry. I don't do this very often.

You're going away for a few days.

Yeah, I know.

I got it.

Okay. Here you go, Helga.

I take baby. Bye. Bye.

It's okay.

You remember the emergency numbers, right?

Don't worry, Mrs. Plummer, your kids'll be safe with me.

Your little angels will be fine, Mrs. Plummer.

Go.

Bye-bye. Bye.

Have some fun.

Bye-bye.

Tell me, are you licensed to kill?

No, ma'am.

Too bad. It could have come in handy.

Ah!

Prepare to be annihilated.

Please!

Oh, my God! Shut up!

Prepare to be annihilated.

Hey!

Where's the baby? Tell me. Come on.

No!

Shut up! No, she didn't.

Shut up! Shut your mouth!

Oh, my God. Tell me!

Is there anyone here that understands the meaning of the word "discipline"?

Hey, Flipper. You don't like it? Do something. I make bottle.

Thank you, Peter.

Yes!

Ow! Gotcha!

Ah!

What's your problem? Get off me!

Oh, my God!

What are you doing, you spaz? That's my boyfriend!

So you're the one breaking in!

Go back inside! No!

We speak English, buddy.

Look, about the sirens and the strobe lights.

We own a bakery, so we're up kind of early. Would you mind?

Sorry.

Oh, and we found this in our pool filter.

Keep that zoo reined in, huh, babysitter?

Yo, fool, handle me like that again and I'll lay knuckles upside your head!

Okay! Enough is enough! Come on, Scott, let's go!

Come on. No, you don't.

Get back here. Give me 20.

I meant push-ups!

Zoe? Drop down! Do 20!

This is not the Army or Navy! One...

Real nice move, Lt. Smooth.

He'll probably never speak to me!

Then I did you a favor. Whoa!

Personal bubble invasion.

Your mother was worried sick about you!

You should call here and tell her.

I'm sure you'll take care of that for me.

Stay out of my life!

Wait! You can't do this!

I have plans! It's Saturday night! Ow!

Not anymore.

You too. Lights out. Bite me.

Boy, this family's in for a rude awakening.

♪ Don't make a move till you're in the groove

♪ And do the Peter Panda dance

♪ Just hop three times like a kangaroo

♪ Side-step twice just like those crabs do

♪ Three steps forward One step back

♪ Then quick like a turtle Lie on your back

♪ Roll like a log till you can't no more...

What are you doing?

You're burning daylight! Move!

It's Sunday.

And it's 6am! You're insane!

Listen up!

Your behavior is unacceptable.

In order to maintain a state of safety, we need to maintain a state of order.

One more little bite?

We going to be strong mine worker when we grow up.

Excuse me.

Excuse me!

Now, I've only got one rule.

Everything is done my way. No highway option.

Do you copy? Do you copy?

What? I said, "Do you copy?"

Do not copy me. Do not copy me.

Hey, I mean it. Cut it out!

Uh...

Peter farted.

Oh, that is so gross. Quiet!

Everybody up. That means you too.

Tracking devices, never take them off.

The panic button is for emergencies only.

Touch that, you'd better be dying.

Or you're dead.

I would rather chew off my arm than wear that.

Just because my mom is paranoid doesn't mean we have to take orders from you.

Let me explain how the chain of command works.

I tell you what to do and you do it!

End of chain.

I'm not gonna have time to remember all of your names.

You'll be Red Leader. Red Baby. Red One. Red.

Where's the older male? There were five.

He walks like Dracula with footsteps silent like death.

He's in his room.

Red Two!

Red Two, open up!

Red Two!

What have you done?

What? I thought...

Is this what you're trained to do?

A "shock and awe" on my door?

I can fix that with a hammer and some nails.

It's real easy to fix. No, it's not! Look!

It's broken in half! You can't fix that!

If you'd been wearing this, this wouldn't have happened.

What are you talking about? I was in the bathroom!

You know I would never ask you for your help... but he has got to go.

Somebody help me, please!

Help me, somebody!

Stop it, Peter! This is nuts! Peter, cut this out.

Hey, good soldiers aren't scared of anything.

I'm not scared. I'm annoyed.

Ever since he heard Daddy say there was a ghost in the house, he puts on that blanket and chases me everywhere. It drives me crazy.

Peter, have you seen this ghost?

All right, here he comes.

Hey! You leave towel on floor in bathroom.

I pick up after kids, not you.

And light a match next time.

Oh!

Good news.

Your background checks have cleared, and we are free to give you the box.

Oh. Excellent.

Just as soon as you provide us with the passwords.

Passwords?

It was your husband's wish that the person who collects the box must provide us with the passwords.

Great.

Is it "The GHOST?" Ghost.

Mmm... No.

These brats! Sugi pula!

I had it!

Remain calm. I am calm.

I quit! That makes me calm.

Let's not be hasty about this.

Hello? Hello?

Don't even think about it! Lt. Wolfe?

It's Julie Plummer.

Who's this? Julie Plummer.

What's that? Julie Plummer!

Ah!

Oh, Mrs. Plummer. Did something fall?

What was that noise? Nothing. Everything's okay!

You'll be happy to know that I found the culprit that's been sneaking around!

Great. Who was it? Just some teenager.

Teenager? I wanted to tell you I'm gonna be a few more days.

You'll be a few more days?

Yes, is that a problem? No, that's no problem!

No, I'm fine. I'm just... I'm just doing my...

Your what?

Duty. Sure everything's okay?

Things are great, Mrs. Plummer.

Yeah, you just do whatever you have to.

Well, tell the kids I said... Bye, Mrs. Plummer!

Just hang... Let's calm down.

Just... just try to relax.

Ah!

Ah! She bit me!

Red Leader!

I command you to come back here! That's a direct order!

You can't leave a man behind!

Red Leader!

Red Leader!

I don't even know how to change a diaper!

Don't worry!

If she loves you, she'll come back, huh?

Okay, everybody, listen up. There's been a change of plans.

Your mother's not coming home as soon as she expected.

When is she coming back? Soon.

For now, we'll just have some more big fun.

That's what we've been doing? Having fun?

Tomorrow's a school day. I have wrestling.

I need a release for Driver's Ed.

I've got Fireflies.

I have to go to the mall.

I have to stop her from spending so much.

Whoa, okay, Halt. Halt!

We'll take this hill one inch at a time.

Only then can we rise to the challenge.

Okay, who's gonna change Red Baby?

Guys?

Ah!

God! Red Baby!

Alrighty. We'll try this.

Yes. Whoa.

Ooh. Soak that up a bit.

Hi. Zoe says you look like The Hulk.

I think you're cute.

Thank you.

Do you do kung fu? Yes.

Did you ever punch someone so hard that their head came off?

No.

Why are your boobs so big?

They're not boobs.

Do you have to wear a bra?

Will my boobs get as big as yours someday?

You know, little girl, I think it's time you went nappy-poo in beddy-bye land.

Do I look like I'm five to you?

What did I say?

Disrespectful. And to think I was interested in you!

Okay, troops! Breakfast!

What are you waiting for? Dig in.

Feel free to mix and match.

Stay away from the cheese. It'll back you up.

Don't worry about running out. I can get lots more of these.

I've survived months off this stuff.

Okay, like, I'm really gonna eat all of these carbs?

I can cross my eyes. Wanna see?

No.

Tyler hates it when I do that.

I know how he feels.

What's he...? Red Four!

Plummer residence.

Yes, I know it's Monday today.

No, Mrs. Plummer's away.

Yes, we'll be right there.

Who was that?

Your vice principal.

He said that if you and Seth are late again, you're both suspended.

He wants to see you in his office right away.


What is it?

It's a minivan. Ugh.

Now, is this supposed to...?

How do we...? Excuse me, Mr. Wolfe?

If you don't hurry up, we're gonna be late for sure.

Not on my watch.

Hold that. How fast is your watch?

You'll be suspended for sure.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Oh, my God!

Who drives like this? You're crazy!

What are you doing? Stop!

Got 'em here.

My fault.

Yeah, I always said these kids needed a parole officer.

I guess, uh, Mrs. Plummer thought so too, huh?

Wow, you got a real, uh, upper torso going on, huh?

You ever, uh, do any time?

Sasquatch.

You got something to say, boy? No.

No? Good.

Wow, it looks like you have a pair of legs coming out of your shoulders.

You hit the gym a lot, do you? Eh.

Woolly Mammoth. You know what, Creeper?

You just bought yourself an extra 15 minutes on the mats.

With the Murninator!

Excuse me. Lieutenant Shane Wolfe.

I'm watching the kids for the Plummers. A few days.

Oh, babysitter, huh?

Well, good. Whatever job you can get, right?

I'm Murney. Duane Murney.

My friends call me "Little Puppet."

I'm the VP here.

I'm in charge of discipline, conduct and truancy from top to bottom, K through 12.

You're in my house now, strong man.

You're the vice principal. And the wrestling coach.

See the Creeper over there?

He has played hooky from every wrestling practice this month.

And her, she has missed 22 Driver's Ed classes.

Out of 23!

These are the worst students in my school.

I'm ashamed... Your school?

Good morning, kids.

Mr. Murney, thanks for watching my chair.

I'll take it from here. Roger. Absolutely.

I was just informing our new friend here about some of the duties as vice principal.

Speaking of which, how's it going with the investigation into the baloney slices on the cafeteria ceiling?

Taking some interesting turns. Keep up the good work.

Right. I'll be on the roof.

Bye, now.

All right, it's time to get back to class.

I'll cut you some slack seeing as it's Lt. Wolfe's first day. Thank you.

Okay.

Can I get you some coffee? Yes, please.

So, what's with this Murninator?

He's big, he's hairy, he's sometimes smelly, but he's harmless and he has tenure.

So, you're the bodyguard?

Mrs. Plummer thought the kids...

She briefed me on everything and she told me that the kids aren't fully aware of the situation and that's the way she wants it.

She also told me you're a "Teams" guy.

Yes, I am. Well, Petty Officer Third Class Claire Fletcher at your service. You're kidding.

Four years at Naval Base Coronado. They paid for college.

Honor, courage. Commitment.

It's the way I run this school.

I like that.

So, permission to stick around and keep eyes on the kids?

Permission granted.

We don't need no music We don't need no band All we need is Mustangs and jammin' in the stands We said jammin' in the stands J- A-M-M-I-N Jammin' in the stands What? J-A-M-M-I-N Jammin' in the stands Go, Mustangs! Whoo!

"Black belt. Honorable discharge."

Clean as a whistle.

Yeah, you little punk! Where's your babysitter now?

Hey!

Enough. All right, you heard the lady.

Let's break it up, guys. Come on. Hmm?

Relax, Popeye. Boys will be boys, huh?

It's kinda good for the Creeper. Gives him a chance to punk up.

Learn to defend himself. Six against one?

Well, the odds are never pretty.

But look at it as, like, a preparation for him.

The naked streets of Bethesda can be so dark and dangerous.

Right, Creeper? Ooh. Whoa.

You're pretty quick there, frogman.

I, myself, happen to be a black belt.

That's why they wanted me to coach the wrestling team.

Ooh-ah!

Sensei.

You know what that's called, homeboy?

Total control.

You all right? Hmm?

Maybe sometime you can pop by the wrestling class and, uh, we'll show the boys how a couple pros do it.

What do you think? I'll go easy on you.

I'm on duty. You're on duty.

Oh, that's right, you're a babysitter.

So it's kinda like "doo-doo" duty.

Don't worry about it.

We'll do it on a day when you're not, uh, washing your hair. Hmm?

And I'll see you in class.

At ease.

That guy don't have his head on right.

I was fine! I don't need your help!

Okay, okay.

Aw. Hey, rough day? I tried feeding him.

Yeah? Did you try changing him?

Would you help me? No.

Just the thought of...

Emergency. What are you...? I... Hey!

Hi.

What's up with him?


Where are you going?

Hey! What's wrong with you?


Ha-ha.

I should go, okay?

Call me, you guys, if you need anything.

My number's on the fridge.

Are you okay?

Oh... Wow.

Is there anything I can do?

I'm okay. Okay.

Can I get you anything? I'm fine.

I mean, they're just kids, you know.

Call me if you need anything. Okay?

After you shower. Or, before. It doesn't matter.

I'll see you guys.

Very funny. Thank you for the letter.


Guys, be quiet. I told you he had boobs.

Lulu, can I see you in the family room?

Who are those people?

My troop. Monday, Wednesday and Saturday are troop nights.

Get rid of 'em. I can't.

Parents go out on troop nights. They'll be back at 8:00.

Mom's our den mother!

You better tell your little friends that they have to...

Today we're supposed to sell cookies. I don't do cookies.

We have to. If we don't sell enough cookies, we can't go to the Jamboree.

They're waving at me.

All right, ladies! Here's how it's gonna be!

Tonight I'm your den mother.

That means if you want to live to see tomorrow, you do exactly as I say!

Do we understand each other?

Den mother, you frighten me.

Good.

Now, let's move out!

I call the front! Middle back!

Fine, I'll get the back.

Yeah, he's kind of a dork, but he's okay.

How's Helga? Helga's fine.

When are you getting home? I'm sorry...

Look, Mom, I'd love to stay and chat all day, but I have homework to do.


Oh, no! They're back!

Hey, Skeever, what glows in the dark till you squish 'em?

Fireflies!

Please. Leave us alone.

This is troop 16 territory.

How are we supposed to sell raffle tickets if this place reeks of your skanky cookies?

Hey! Hey!

Boo!

Get outta here!

These cookies taste disgusting. I know.

We really scared these guys. Where are my troops?

Lulu, what happened?

Those boys over there broke our cookies.

Broke your cookies.

Mm-hm. Lulu, this is not a toy.

Forget those boys. I am here to protect you, not cookies.

Understand?

Good, now get in the car. We're all going home.

Wait. You can't take us home yet. You're supposed to take us to eat.

Where do you usually go?

Welcome to Woody Woodchuck's!

Let go!

And they say war is hell.

♪ Whenever we go out The people always shout

♪ There goes Shane Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt

♪ Dah dah dah dah dah

♪ Shane Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt

♪ His name is my name too ♪

Ah! I figured you'd come back for him.

Lulu, watch your brother. Inexcusable!

I've never left a man behind. Oh, relax.

Once we found a kid in the ball pool when we opened in the morning.

Whoa! Whoa!

Not cool! Uh, there is no freestyling in the ball pool!

Should we send someone in after him?

We're good.

Holy baloney.

Ooh! Someone's gonna get busted!

Who are these people? What's wrong with this?

We need to talk. Don't hate the player, hate the game.

Beat it.

Party's over!

Oh, my God, it's here.

You're all gonna clean this house spotless.

No highway option. Now, get cleaning.

I'm outta here! Wait! Scott!

Move! Later!

Oh, no, you don't.

This is my favorite shirt.

Thank you.


Come on, Seth! You've been in there for an hour!

Thanks a lot, Lt. Loser! Now I'm gonna be the school joke.

I don't know what I'll say to my friends.

You call those people your friends?

They have no respect for you. They have no respect for your home.

You have no respect for yourself!

I do, too, respect myself!

Company downstairs. That means you too.

You're not my dad.

In case you haven't noticed, this family is going through a really hard time and you're just making everything a lot worse.

You have no feelings.

We hate you and you hate us.

So why don't you just leave us alone?

Don't worry. When your mom comes back, I'm gone.

Now what? Scott.

Run! Take the babies! Go to your rooms!


Shane! Come over here! Take one of these!

Lulu!

Get inside. Come on. Hey! Hey! Wait!


Don't move.

Ahhhh!

Kids, it's safe!

Who was that? What'd they want? What happened?

Don't leave us! What do they want?

They were after the program that your father invented.

They were after this.

All right, all right, come on, guys. Let's hope this is it.

9- 2-6, 3-1-0-4-3. 9- 2-6...

3- 1-0-4-3.

They want our Ghost movie?

Haven't they heard of Blockbuster?

Tell her Rita Miller. Rita Miller.

So there really are people out there to get us?

Yes, there are, Zoe. That's why I'm here.

I think we're gonna need a little more cooperation.

From now on, you listen to me... and I'll listen to you too.

Deal?

Relax. Relax. I'm relaxed.

If you just relax... I'm relaxed! I'm relaxed!

You've got to relax! Please, it's on the...

Okay. I'm not feeling well, here.

Oh, my God! There's a bee! There's no bee!

There's a bee! There's no bee! Stop! Please!

Okay, so she wrecked the car. The insurance will pay for it.

They were parallel parking. The instructor jumped.

But it's not about her. It's about the boy.

Has he been skipping class again?

Skipping class? He always skips sixth period, but...

All right. Seth!

Okay, take off the hat.

Go ahead.

Look at that. That's how he showed up for practice.

I was doing a little recon in his locker and I found this.

Okay?

If it was a girlie magazine or a hamster, fine.

Boys will be boys. But this is sick.

All right. He dyed his hair. He's not a Nazi.

This is not normal. We're very concerned.

Why don't you get back to class?

Mr. Murney, would you give me a minute?

Look, I'm sure this is about their father.

We've tried to get Seth and Zoe to talk to the psychologist, but they won't.

Maybe you can get through to them? See what's going on?

I'll talk to them and see what I can do.

Thanks.

Seth, I don't understand unless you explain it to me.

Why would you join wrestling if you hate it?

Because my father wanted me to!

Look, I know you're just trying to help, but don't!

I can take care of myself.


Refrigerator magnet.

Smart kid.

Red One!

You're in charge. Anyone gets within 40 clicks of the perimeter, signal me.

Keep all doors sealed, do your homework, preheat the oven and don't let Lulu in the cookie jar.


Everything's ready? Yeah.

Come on.

All right. All my Nazis are finally here.

I want all of you at attention!

Okay, let's start where we left off yesterday.

♪ You are 16, going on 17

♪ Baby, it's time to think

♪ Better beware Be canny and careful

♪ Baby, you're on the brink

♪ You are 16, going on 17

♪ Fellows will fall in line


We open in a week, people. The set isn't finished.

Mother Abbess just quit because she got shingles!

And every step-ball change would make Bob Fosse rise from the grave just so he could have a heart attack again!

I'm really sorry. I'll get it right. No, you won't, Seth.

You and your mother over here can't get it right.

And I know this because I am a professional.

I directed Show Boat with Greg Brady.

It wasn't union, but it was good.

Obviously, I quit!

Exeunt stage right!

Seriously, Seth, if you drop me again, I'm going to kill you.

Hi. Are you okay?

I'm fine.

Come on.

I'm not gonna quit!

I don't expect you to understand... Hey...

I may not understand a whole hell of a lot about this kinda stuff, but I definitely understand not quitting.

And from what I see, you're pretty good.

A little discipline, you could make a go of this.

But what about Murney? He's an all-talk spaz.

So, The Sound of Music?

I saw it when I was a kid. Really?

The idea of a nun ditching her habit for a guy in the military.

Nothing wrong with that.

Do you think girls will think I'm weird?

They probably already do, Seth.

But you'll kill 'em later.

Come here.

Forget about everyone else for a second.

Is performing what makes you happy?

Yeah, more than anything.

All right, fall in.

Company. Center stage.

Company! Center stage!

Who is this guy?

Now, do you or do you not have what it takes to perform this musical?

We don't have a director. I've directed rescue missions all around the world.

I've directed numerous snatch-and-grabs from countries whose names you are not allowed to know.

I've choreographed multi-pronged amphibious landings and stealth air attacks!

Do you think I have the military proficiency... to direct this production?

Yes.

Yes, what? Yes, sir!

Once upon a time, there was a family... of elves.

And one day the little elf family went into the magic forest to find a secret... gnome... facility, where the gnomes were turning mushrooms into uranium.

So three elves laid down heavy suppressive fire on the gnomes while the others maneuvered around to the right flank, finishing off anything left alive.

And not one of those elves were left behind that day.

We got 'em all.

Even the teeniest... littlest elf of all...

Rodriguez.

You're gonna have to do the Panda dance or he won't stop.

Oh, come on...

I don't know how to do the Panda dance.

I'll write it down for you.

Close your eyes. Go to sleep. I'll be right back.

You gotta do the dance.

Like Dad used to do. He made it up for him.

You have to do the dance to make him sleep.

Come on.

♪ When you're down and low Lower than the floor

♪ And you think that you ain't got a chance, bum, bum

♪ Don't make a move till you're in the groove Lulu. Thank you.

Seth.

Zoe. Uh!

Today you drive.

But I can't even pass Driver's Ed.

Exactly.

We're all gonna die.

Have you ever given a driving lesson before?

In a minivan? No.

Think of it like a Bradley Assault Vehicle.

Especially when Zoe's driving.

Zoe Plummer! Zoe, what are you doing?

What are...? Slow down! Truck!

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa! Not bad.

Land! Solid land!

I think it went well. Oh, it's so dramatic.

Hey, hey, hey. No fighting.

Play nicely. Sorry.

Hi. Hey, how are you?

I have noticed an improvement in the Plummer kids and I'm very impressed.

Yeah, you know, they're just misunderstood.

Peter, careful! Don't make me come up there!

Someone needs to take the time to talk to 'em.

You're getting a little attached. I take my job very seriously.

But it's like you said. They're just kids.

Well, keep up the good work.

Oh!

You look very nice today.

Oh. Thanks.

I don't think you understand. Don't you ever do that again.

Is that clear? Okay, I've had it.

I caught the kid dancing to no music. I want him out of my class.

Somebody's gotta give this punk a talking to.

Seth?

Well, you got something to say, twinkle toes?

Yeah. Yeah, I do, Murney.

I quit. You quit.

You know why you quit? Because you're a quitter.

And everybody knows that quitters... quit.

What are you scared of, Prancer?

I'm not scared. I want to act. And I want to take up origami.

I'm in The Sound of Music. Oh. A musical.

You're giving up wrestling to be in a musical.

That happens when there isn't a man in the house.

There is a man in the house. It's me.

Well, it's gotta be a tiny house.

You think you're tough, boy, don't you?

Wanna shave the tiger? Do you? Huh?

You want it tough? Where did you wanna do this?

What are you talking about? You said you wanted to wrestle.

Where? When?

After school. Okay.

Today? That's right. The gym.

Okay?

Remember. You mess with the bull, you get the horns.

Out of my way!

How did that feel? It was good.

Murney is getting his butt kicked at 3:00!

Oh, that is so gross.

Come on! Come on!

What? That's it!

Someone's gonna get hurt today and you know who it is?

You're about to enter Murney's House of Pain!

What do you say we go over the rules, cue ball? Huh?

Oooh!

Rule number one.

Never be too eager to rush your opponent.

Wanna play prison rules, frogman? Wanna play prison rules? You got it.

I'll be your daddy.

Ah!

All right. Now you've unlocked the beast.

Oh, God!

From this position, it's relatively easy to manipulate your opponent. Ohhh!

And thus we have the chicken wing.

The chicken wing.

The arm bar.

The crow bar. Or my personal favorite...

Ahhhh! ...the pacifier!

Any questions?

Anything you didn't understand?

Ah. The nipple crippler.

This is a useless, not to mention, shameless move that ultimately is a sure sign of desperation.

And finally...

Pinned!

That was awesome!

Are you okay, Murney? Get away from me!

Can I get a little help, please? I can't move my back. Watch the back!

Go!

Sorry!

I didn't get that cone!

Crawl!

See? But he usually breaks down the door.


Excellent! Now do it backwards.

Okay.

♪ When you're down and low Lower than the floor

♪ And you feel like you ain't got a chance

♪ Don't make a move till you're in the groove

♪ And do the Peter Panda dance

♪ Just hop three times like a kangaroo

♪ Side-step twice just like the crabs do

♪ Three steps forward One step back

♪ And quick like a turtle Lie on your back

♪ Roll like a log till you can't roll no more

♪ Better jump quick like there ain't no floor

♪ Hold your breath Jump to the left

♪ And that's the Peter I swear that's the Peter

♪ That's the Peter Panda dance ♪ Again. Again?

You're going to sleep. Good night, Peter Panda.

Good night, Daddy.

Good night, little fella.

Good night.

Hey, Skeever, what do you put in a jar and shake till they're dead?

Fireflies?

Go away and we won't hurt you.

Hiya!

Don't even think about it.

Cookie!

Eat it, you jerk!

Go get 'em!

Customer service.

From now on, you do things our way!

No highway option!

Ah!

♪ I don't care what has been said Fireflies rock full speed ahead

♪ Give me guff, I'm in your face Fireflies rule the human race

♪ Sound off ♪ One-two, three-four

♪ One-two... three-four! ♪

Gary the duck? No.

We've been here two weeks.

This is a matter of national security.

Well, I am sorry, sir, but none of these answers ring true.

Howard. I'm so stupid.

Is it "my angel"?

Yes, it is indeed.

Well, I'll leave you to your business.

Please, Howard, no more surprises.


Zoe, a rookie sniper could drop you like a deer.

Good. Good?

All right, this is about Scott again.

No, it's not.

You were right about him. Stupid guy.

So, what's wrong? Nothing.

Nothing. Okay.

You know, when I was little, my mom left.

My dad was a spec ops soldier like me.

When I was eight, he shipped me off to military school.

I guess he liked being a soldier more than he liked being a dad.

One day, I get a letter.

No more dad.

That's terrible.

For a long time I thought if I talked about it, I was letting him down.

Like I was supposed to be brave or something.

Yeah.

It's okay to talk about your dad, Zoe.

I do miss him so much.

I don't know, I just...

I wanna be strong for Lulu and Tyler and Peter and Seth and my mom.

That's such a big burden to carry.

I know.

I miss him so much.

It's okay to miss your dad.

I'll get it.

Really? Yes.

Seth! Seth! Guess what? Mom's coming home.

When? Tomorrow! She's coming home tomorrow!

When did you talk? Mommy's coming.

Here, buddy, Mommy's coming home!

Mom's coming home!

She is?

She's coming back.

Peter, aren't you excited?

When's she gonna be here? So, what are we gonna do?

We should dress up nice. We should make her something.

We'll clean up the entire house. That's a good idea.

We should make a banner too. In the family room.

What's wrong, Gary? Foot got stuck?

Hang on, hang on.

Okay, now just stay still.


Hi. Come on in.

Are you ready? Yeah, almost.

Yes? Hey, it's Shane.

I have excellent news. I think I found GHOST.

Do you have it? It's in a steel vault.

It needs some sort of two-pronged key. I've been working on it, but it's tough.

Great. Good work. We're on our way.

Don't do anything further. I'll be there soon.

Yes, sir.

Ready?

The good news is, once I give this to my C.O., whoever's been bothering you ain't gonna be.

Really? Really.

What's wrong? Your mother's coming. You should be happy.

But, Shane, doesn't that mean you have to go?

You should get ready. Your mother will be home soon.

I had a fight with Zoe before I left, so they probably trashed the place.


Welcome home, Mom.

Hi! I missed you!

Guy!

Shane, I am so proud of you. I truly am.

I am going to give you your choice of assignment.

Anywhere you want to go, you just name it.

Well, I appreciate that.

But I'll have to think about it.

You're gonna think about it?

Well, the military's all I've ever known.

I have no regrets. I should hope not.

It's just that being with this family...

I've never had a... Put your hands up!

The Chuns?

You gotta be kidding. I swear I checked them out.

Give us the key.

Put your hands up! Okay. All right.

Here.

Now!

You promised us GHOST months ago!

Well, I'm sorry. There were delays.

Shane!

Stop talking.

Shane's not gonna be babysitting you anymore.

I trusted you. Howard trusted you.

You've betrayed us and you've betrayed this country.

Guess what? North Korea pays better.

Chun, watch them. They're squirmy.

You two, come with me.


Did you bring the stethoscope, Mrs. Chun?

No, but I've got some C-4.

I just had my eyebrows done.


Quiet!

I said "Quiet," you little bug!

Now, Peter!

Ah!

Hiya!

Well, that's cute!


That stuff doesn't hurt!

Shane! You can't do this! You can't leave a man behind!

Hold on, I got it.

Shane!

Where's Mom? Mom?

I'll find her. You guys run and get help!

Hurry!

Are you sure you're gonna be okay?

Yes, Lulu. Go, get help.

Hold on!

They're headed for the car!

Zoe, call 911. I forgot my cell phone.

Great. The only time you don't. We're gonna be okay!

Oh, my God! What do we do?

Find a cop!

Ahh!

He's gaining on us. I'll handle it.


Look, Zoe! It's the cops!

I assume you heard the Baloney Bandit has struck again.

I accept total responsibility. My intelligence, well, it was faulty.

If I had better resources...

I told you not to pass her in Driver's Ed.

You have exactly three seconds to get me through this mine field.

One, two... Bill.

She doesn't know.

And you're not taking another parent away from those kids.

Leave the family alone and I'll get you in.

You better not be bluffing.

Zoe! Seth!

Lulu! Peter! Tyler!

Ah!

That was the code. I saw Mr. Plummer use it to open the briefcase.

You think this is a game? Code or no code, open it. Now.

You can't make him do this.

I know Howard. You haven't got a chance.

♪ When you're down and low Lower than the floor

♪ And you feel like you don't have a chance

♪ Don't make a move till you're in the groove

♪ And do the Peter Panda dance

♪ Hop three times like a kangaroo

♪ Side-step twice just like the crabs do

♪ Three steps forward One step back Quick like a turtle! Lie on your back!

♪ Roll like a log till you can't no more

♪ Better jump quick like there ain't no floor

♪ Hold your breath Step to the left

And that's the Peter Panda dance.

All right. Go.

Yeah, right.

Okay, I'll go first.

Great work, Shane. I knew you'd figure it out.

I think you'd better open it.

Wait, wait, wait!

Back away.

You open it.

Come on. I walked the floor first.

No way. You can do it, soldier man.

Ah!

Ahhh!

Any last words, Shane?

Say good night, Peter Panda.

Shane, are you okay?

Oh!

She was never a good neighbor.


Zoe, you're going too fast!

You're not gonna have time to stop!

Who said anything about stopping? I'm parking.

What are you doing to these kids? Hands where I can see them!

Okay. Calm down.

Everybody! Put your weapons down!

I want the GHOST.

Um... Calm down. It's just a duck.

Where's the GHOST? I have it.

Bring it here!

Put it on the ground.

Now, Gary. Go for his balls.

Okay, duck whisperer, step away!

Gary, now!

Ah!

Couldn't let you have all the fun.

So I guess you'll be taking off now, huh?

Seeing as there's no reason to stick around anymore.

I'm still here, aren't I?

Yeah.

What now? I don't know. I'm on dry land.

True.

Which means you're the superior officer.

True.

So you tell me.

Um...

Lulu!

Excuse me, ma'am. Could I have a few words?

Sure.

Well, we... I... You know.

Oh.

We'll talk later.

Mission accomplished, soldier. I suppose it is.

I guess you'll be leaving us now. I guess so.

I want you to have this.

Because I don't want you ever to forget me.

I will never forget you.

'Cause you're the best friend I ever had.

No matter how far... or long life takes me away, I will always be thinking about you.

I love you, Shane.

I love you too.

From now on, it's your command.

At ease, soldiers.

Your father would be so proud of all of you.

Awww.

Look who just woke up.

Shane? Yes?

Are we ever gonna see you again? What are you talking about?

We still have one more mission.

♪ You are 16, going on 17

♪ Baby, it's time to think

♪ Better beware Be canny and careful

♪ Baby, you're on the brink

♪ You are 16, going on 17

♪ Fellows will fall in line

♪ Eager young lads Yes!

♪ Will offer you food and wine

♪ Climb every mountain

♪ Ford every stream Looks like you have a hit on your hands.

You think so? Mm-hmm.

You should take over the drama department instead of wrestling.

It's gonna be nice having you around now.

Now that Murney's found his true calling.

♪ Climb every mountain

♪ Ford every stream It's gonna be my pleasure serving with you.