The Palm Beach Story (1942) Script

[ No Audible Dialogue Over Montage ]

In case we miss the train, we have the place in Yonkers. Of course.

What'd he say? He said "Of course."

We're from Texas originally. Of course.

What'd he say? He said "Of course."

Why does he keep sayin' the same thing all the time? My husband's a little deaf.

Of course. Yes. What'd he say?

He said it's as quiet as a tomb here – just what we're lookin' for.

I don't mind a little life. We'll be dead soon enough. [ Man In Apartment ] Come in.


I said, "Come in." I'm fine, thanks. How are you?

I hope all the tenants aren't as disagreeable.

I can assure you they're not. The building is very friendly, efficient and quiet.

♪♪ [ Woman Singing Scales ] She got in by mistake, but she's leaving in the morning.

What? I said she's leaving first thing in the morning.

Who? My wife? You going home to see your mother?

♪♪ [ Woman Continues Singing ]

What's that? Canary? I love birds.

I said she is leaving the first thing in the morning.

You don't have to shout. And your best friend oughta tell you a little secret.

Just speak in a low, clear voice.

I said she's leaving first thing in the morning. She got in by mistake.

But tomorrow she flies away.

I understand it's a bird. What about it? I like birds.

It's right here.

Duplex. What's the ceiling so high up for?

That's what duplex means. The one floor up over the – You don't keep the apartment very clean. What's on the balcony?

You see, the former tenants aren't getting the service.

A little delinquency in the rent.

What's he say? I don't like him to talk to me.

He says the former tenants haven't been getting any service.

That's why the place is so dirty. They didn't pay the rent.

I don't mind a little dirt.

That's the trouble with women – always fussin' around, lookin' for something to pick on.

You can tell me later, Arthur. Never satisfied with things the way the Lord made 'em.

Why, dirt's as natural in this world as sin, disease... storms, twisters, floods and cyclones.

[ Bottle Sprays ]

Is there anything else you'd like to try?

What you doin' in the bathtub with your wrapper on?

I might ask you what you're doing in my bathroom.

I don't suppose you go with the flat.

Nah. That's too much to hope for. Thank you.

I'm glad you like my perfume too. Huh?

I said I'm glad you like my perfume too.

You have a lovely, clear voice – like a bell.

If I was married to you, I'd hear everything you said almost... but you wouldn't enjoy it.

Besides, I'm already married. So am I.

Me too.

Anyway, I'd be too old for ya.

"Cold are the hands of time that creep along relentlessly... destroying slowly but without pity that which yesterday was young.

Alone, our memories resist this disintegration... and grow more lovely with the passing years."

Heh. That's hard to say with false teeth.

[ Laughing ]

You're a funny old man.

I didn't get it, but you looked very pretty when you said it.

I love birds. You do?

If they're showing the apartment and you're still in it, you must be broke, huh?

Ah, it doesn't matter. What did you say?

Uh, yes.

That varmint rentin' it out from under ya? Yes.

I know how you feel.

I was broke, too, when I was about your age.

But I didn't have a figure like you got. I had to use my brains.

You'll get over it. You'll get over being young too.

Someday you'll wake up and find everything behind ya. Gives ya quite a turn.

Makes ya sorry for a few of the things ya didn't do while ya still could.

Are you sorry? How much rent do you owe?

Well, that isn't really your business.

I can't hear you. You're mumbling.

I said it isn't really your business.

I'm in the sausage business. Don't worry about me.

This'll be a hot one on the wife.

She's down there poking her snoot in everybody's business... egged on by that varmint.

How much do you need?

Don't be silly. Will 500 cover it?

Please don't talk nonsense.

I can't hear you. You're mumbling again.

You shouldn't mumble with such a lovely voice.

I wouldn't do this for everybody.

This joke has gone far enough. You say that ain't enough? Well, how much do you need?

Y-You're just embarrassing me.

That's all right. Don't mention it.

It's a privilege to do a favor for such a beautiful lady.

It makes me feel young again.

There. Oh. How do you suppose it makes me feel?

I haven't seen anything like this for so long.

You talkin' about the money? Forget it. I'm cheesy with money.

I'm the Wienie King – invented the Texas Wienie.

Lay off of 'em. You'll live longer. Here.

Buy yourself a new dress, too, and a new hat.

You're a fine girl. So long.

Whoopee! Hot diggity!

Hello? Give me Longacre 5-6599, please.

You see, it's strong and safe. It's simple and practical.

It lets the light and air through, and it's practically invisible from below.

[ Phone Ringing ] And it's built right in the middle of the city... instead of way out in the sticks somewhere.

[ Phone Continues Ringing ] Excuse me a moment. Be right back.

Yes? Darling, the most exciting thing has happened.

Look, honey, I'm right in the middle of a talk with a very important gentleman.

Could you tell me later? Oh, all right, dear.

Of course, this is the big one... but to build a working model in some field or village somewhere... that small planes could actually land on – to prove that it was practical – would only cost about $99,000.

After that, we'd be on velvet.

You see, it's a steel mesh made of stretched cables.

Every municipality, every town, every city needs one.

My patent is basic. $99,000 is a lot of money.

Oh, but it isn't what it costs. It's what it brings you back.

I've got $99,000 now... but if I was to build this thing, I might – Let's start all over again from the beginning.

Go ahead. My time ain't worth anything. I'm retired.

[ Man ] Psst.

Hey, Mike, come here a minute.

[ Car Horn Honking ]

Take a gander inside and see if the manager's gone to dinner.

I don't wanna see him face-to-face. Sure.

But if it's the rent you're thinking about... you can go in and whistle up his nose – it's paid.

It's paid? What do you mean it's paid? It's paid.

Who paid it? Your wife.

My wife? Well, I'm sure it wasn't mine.

An old man give her the money. What do you mean an old man gave her the money?

I said I'm taking you to dinner and then the theater and then supper.

So hurry up and put on your dinner jacket.

Just a minute.

What's all this malarkey about some old man paying the rent for you... that the whole building is buzzing with?

It's not malarkey, darling. Here's the receipted bill. You see? It says "Paid."

And I paid the butcher and the grocer and the drugstore.

And I got this dress and had my hair done... and six pairs of stockings and some new shoes.

And here's $14 in change. That's for you.

Isn't it wonderful? Sensational. But you haven't quite answered my question yet.

What question, dear? Why this alleged old man gave you – How much is it?

$700. $700.

Why? No reason.

Oh, is that so? He just – $700, just like that? Just like that.

Sex didn't even enter into it?

Oh, but of course it did, darling.

I don't think he'd have given it to me if I had hair like excelsior... and little short legs like an alligator.

Sex always has something to do with it, dear. I see.

From the time you're about so big... and wondering why your girlfriends' fathers are getting so arch all of a sudden.

Nothing wrong. Just an overture to the opera that's coming.

I see. You don't really.

But from then on, you get it from cops, taxi drivers... bellboys, delicatessen dealers.

Got what? The look. You know.

"How's about this evening, babe?"

So this gent gave you the look. The Wienie King? Oh, no.

Oh, at his age, darling, it was really more of a blink.

Really? This is very illuminating.

You don't have to get rigid about it.

It was perfectly innocent, I assure you.

Where'd you meet this Wienie King?

You'll die laughing when you hear. All right. Convulse me.

In the bathtub. In the bathtub?

Yes. Isn't that charming? Delicious. What were you doing in the bathtub?

I was hiding from him. Hiding?

What kind of games do you play around here while I'm out?

I wish you could've seen the expression on his face. I'm glad I didn't.

How much water was there in the tub? I was standing in the bathtub.

You were standing in the bathtub? In my pink wrapper.

Oh, darling, he was just a funny little old man in a funny hat.

We sat on the edge of the bed and talked for a while. He's on the bed now, is he?

There aren't any chairs in the bedroom, darling.

What was he doing in the bedroom?

He wanted to rent the apartment.

But when he found out we were broke, he gave me $700 and he left.

Just like that? Well, I did kiss him good-bye.

Now the truth is coming out. The – Oh. "The truth."

You just tell me where this Wienie King lives... and I'll take his money back to him and tell him what I think of him.

I don't know where he lives, darling.

I don't even know his name, and I don't think they'd give the money back – I mean the grocer and the drugstore and all.

You really couldn't blame them after they waited so long. That's right.

Rub it in.

Tom? Yes?

It's wonderful to have the rent paid, isn't it, and the bills settled up?

You feel free and clean, and I like that feeling. I wish it were always like that.

Don't you think I do?

I'd almost forgotten what it was like.

I don't look forward to being in debt again, slinking past everybody.

I dread it. It isn't gonna be for always.

Everybody's a flop until he's a success.

Something's bound to come through. I got too many good ideas.

Say, there's a $2.00 overcharge here.

Now that everything's paid up, you could move.

Well, where'd we go?

I wasn't thinking about me. I just meant you.


You mean the bust-up?


When'd you get that idea? This afternoon?

I've had it for some time, but something always said, "Wait till he crashes through.

Wait till he's made one success."

You'll never make a success with me around.

I'm just a milestone around your neck. Millstone.

I'm no good for you, darling.

I don't mean I'm not good for somebody... but I can't cook or sew or whip up a little dress... out of last year's window curtains.

What difference does that make?

I'm like a car that only gives seven miles to the tankful.

Only you haven't got the tankful.

Are you sure you haven't got a tankful?

You see, by yourself, you could live so simply. Just a little room anywhere.

Or maybe move in with your brother or even use the couch in your office.

And you wouldn't keep slipping back all the time.

You could balance what you earned and look the world in the eye... maybe even get ahead a little.

Thanks. And what would you be doing? Oh, that's no problem.

You can always find a good provider if you really want one.

He may not look like a movie star, but – We'll get ahead someday. But I don't want it someday.

I want it now while I can still enjoy it.

Anyway, men don't get smarter as they grow older. They just lose their hair.

Gerry – But I would!

I'm very tired of being broke, darling... and feeling so helpless about having my hands tied.

I could've helped you so many times.

But every time I tried to, you tried to punch the man in the nose.

Don't talk rot.

How about that president of the smelting company? That wolf.

Well, he's still the president of a smelting company.

We might've been in the smelting business now and paying our rent.

Lovely. He liked you very much, he said.

The less I hear about that hyena, the better I like it.

But that's what's so irritating – to know that I could get you someplace without doing any harm either.

You have no idea what a long-legged gal can do without doing anything.

And instead of that, I have to watch you stamping around proudly... like Sitting Bull in a new blanket... breathing through your nose while we both starve to death.

Thanks. You don't have to keep saying thanks all the time.

I'm not being nice. That's the first time I've said it.

If you want a divorce, you're certainly entitled to it.

I don't know where the money's coming from.

The next husband always pays for that.

You have him all picked out, have you? Oh, you're such a child!

He doesn't happen to be in the sausage business, by any chance, does he?

I may not even get married again. I might become an adventuress.

I can just see you starting for China on a 26-foot sailboat.

You're thinking of an adventurer, dear.

An adventuress never goes on anything under 300 feet with a crew of 80.

You just let me catch you on a 300-foot yacht or even a 200-foot yacht.

At least I wouldn't have to worry about the rent.

Oh, I'm sorry. Let's go and have some dinner, hmm?

How can you think of food at a moment like this?

Because I'm a woman, maybe, and a little more practical than you.

Are you going to put on your dinner jacket, or shall I take off my new dress?

Mmm. Is that a new dress?

You'll always be a sister to me? I know it sounds stupid, but I'm a rotten wife.

I can't sew. I can't cook. You certainly can't.

Just because I'm a useless wife doesn't mean I couldn't be very valuable to you as a sister.

But very valuable.

I remember that pot roast you tried.

And all the boys who wanted to go out with me... would naturally have to be in your good graces. Naturally.

Or I wouldn't go out with them. I'll say you wouldn't.

They'd probably offer you partnerships. In the smelting business.

In the smelt – No. You could have your choice.

I don't begin and end with a smelter, you know.

I refuse to understand what you're talking about, Geraldine.

They'd work you in on deals... and let you in on all the good things happening in the market and that kind of business.

Monkey business.

Very few pretty girls' brothers have ever failed, you know... if they knew enough to come in out of a hailstorm.

In the first place, I don't happen to be your brother.

In the second place, who are all these men who are gonna faint at your feet?

You think there aren't any? I didn't say there weren't any. I just said, "Where are they?"

They're around. They're always there.

And they make new ones every year.

I don't wanna be rude, but I – You're not being rude, dear. You're just being yourself.

You're married to me. That's like saying you're blind to me.

For a long time, I've been a part of you... just something to snuggle up to and keep you warm at night, like a blanket.

But you can't see me any more than you can see the back of your neck.

I've put on new dresses. I changed my hair.

Would you mind not looking quite so gorgeous while you say all these things?

You're just plastered. Yes.

Well, better get you home before you fall apart.

Or do you object to spending the night under the same roof with me?

I wasn't thinking about the roof.

Come on.

Just a minute. I gotta pay the check.

I'll sleep on the thing here.

Well, you know we don't love each other anymore. We're just habits – bad habits.

Uh – They don't make these zippers as well as they used to.

And when love's gone, there's nothing left but admiration and respect.

I think it's stuck. Will you see if you can get it?

Come around here in the light.

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] Keep still, will you?

You don't think this is a little intimate, do you?

[ Clicks Tongue ] Oh, go.

Doesn't mean anything to you anymore to sit on my lap, hmm?


Or if I... kiss you there?

Stop it. No.

Or here.

It's nothing.

Or here. You know I'm ticklish.

Then why is your breath coming faster? Because you're squeezing me.

That doesn't mean anything to you anymore, huh?

Almost nothing.

Almost nothing, huh?

Almost nothing – nothing but a habit, a bad habit.

It is, huh?

Very, very bad and wicked... and stupid and useless... and young and impractical and –

Yow! Oh! Oh, darling!

What's the big idea? Darling, read this note.

Huh? Good-bye.

God bless you. Take care of yourself.


Will you wait a minute? No, I won't. I've made up my mind.

It's best for both of us, while we're still young enough to make other connections.

But you're forgetting a little thing called love. I love you, and you love me.

That's all that matters. That's all you can take with you. Everything else is –

[ Screams ]

I'm so sorry. Please accept all my apologies. [ All Laughing ]


Hey, Officer!

Hold that woman! She stole my suitcase!

Why, you lying – You mean this one?

That's right. I'll be right down.

Do I look like a suitcase stealer to you?

It isn't how you look. It's how you behave that counts in this world.

[ Car Horn Honking ]

Now, I mind the time, and – Oh, wise guy.

Thanks for holding her, Officer.

You wanna prepare charges or something disagreeable like that?

No, I'd prefer not to. This is my wife, Mrs. Jeffers. Mr. Mulligan.

The name happens to be O'Donnell, if it's all the same to you... and I have a good mind to charge you with false arrest... only I don't know if I could make it stick.

Why don't you try? Oh, it's too nice a mornin'. To heck with it.

Why don't you two learn to get along together? I had to.

Now what? Now, will you come back upstairs and be sensible?

No, I won't. Give me back my suitcase.

It was hard enough to make up my mind to do what I know is right.

If I don't do it now, I'll never be strong enough again. Now give me my suitcase.

Stop talking like a fool, Gerry. Where are you going – to visit your sister in Long Island?

Taxi! No. I'm going to get a divorce.

How can you get a divorce without money? How can you go anyplace?

Why don't you be sensible? You've just got a hangover.

I don't need any money. I've already told you.


Yes, ma'am? Where's the best place to get a divorce?

Gerry, for heaven's sake.

Most people go to Reno, but for my money, it's Palm Beach.

This time of year, you got the track, you got the ocean, you got palm trees.

Three months. You leave from Penn Station. Look. I'm in awful trouble.

I haven't got a dime. Would you take me there for nothing? To where? Palm Beach?

No, no. Just to the station. Oh, sure. Hop in, babe.

Thanks. Listen, you!

Listen what? Give me my suitcase!

Give the lady her suitcase.

Listen, you! Oh! Now, look what you've done!

Look what I've done? [ Cabby ] Yeah. Look what you've done.


What's the trouble now? Taxi!

Pick this stuff up, will you?

Hey, you have to –


Gerry, stop behaving like a chicken with its head cut off.

You haven't got any money. Where can you go?

I got this far, didn't I? But, Gerry – Where's my suitcase? But listen, honey – Good-bye.

Gerry, listen to me. You're making a fool out of yourself. This man is trying to molest me.

Will you stop him? Where you goin' in such a hurry, laddie?

Let the dames alone at Pennsylvania Station...

Pennsylvania Station will leave you alone and vice versa.

That's my wife, you dumb cluck! So now I'm a dumb cluck, am I?

I like peace, but I ain't morbid about it.

Stop annoying these dames, or I'll lock you up!

[ Man On PA ] Last call.

Atlantic Coastline, Florida Special, advance section... leaving through Gate 12 in five minutes.

Attention, please.

Miami Special, due 11:21 Track 3... arriving 12:04 Track 6 from St. Petersburg, Tarpon Springs... and Sarasota.

Pratt, Ale and Quail. Billdocker.

Hitchcock. Hitchcock.


I see we got the club again, Ed. You're tellin' me.

Just let 'em try and start somethin'. Hot dog.

Is there anything the matter? Oh, I'll be all right. I'm sure they'll come with my ticket.

Did somebody forget your ticket? I'm sure it'll be all right. I have to get to Palm Beach.

That's too bad. Dr. Kluck.

I'm sure they'll come. I beg your pardon?

Oh, I'm sorry. I was talking to the gate man.

McKeewie. McKeewie.

I'm sure my ticket'll come. It must come.

Oh, yes, it must. By all means.

Asweld. You say your ticket didn't come yet? You haven't got much time.

No, but it'll be here, I'm sure.

Yeah, well, if there's anything I can do – Thank you. Name, please.

[ Hiccups ] Go ahead.

Hinch and valet. Hinch and valet.

I'm sure it'll be all right. Is there something the matter, madam?

Oh, nothing that anyone can help me with, I'm afraid.

It just looks as if my ticket isn't going to get here on time.

Well, my gracious. There ought to be some solution to that problem.

I can't think of any. Well, my gracious.

No ticket? No ticket.

Jones. Jones.

Featherwax. Featherwax.

[ Man On PA ] Attention, please.

Florida Mail leaving through Gate 9, 11:57.

Newark, Trenton, North Philadelphia...

Philadelphia, Baltimore, Washington – You'd think one of them would offer a lady a ticket. Well, I couldn't accept it.

Why not? Rich millionaires?

I have a feeling that everything's going to be all right.

[ All ] Aye!

Did it come yet? No, but it's all right.

What do you mean it's all right? It's far from all right.

We have a wonderful idea. The other members and myself, having talked it over – We have a private car. We have tons of tickets.

I could never accept. We're just goin' to Savannah to shoot quail.

But if you wanna go any further, we'd gladly – You can be our mascot.

Do you think it's all right? All right? It's perfect.

Oh, then thank you for your chivalry, gentlemen.

I accept with pleasure. The pleasure is ours.

This is Asweld of American Asweldocan.

Mr. Hinch. You've heard of Hinch's Emulsion, I presume?

And I'm McKeewie of the Seventh National.

And I'm Mrs. Thomas Jeffers, alias Geraldine.

[ Both ] Geraldine. And thank you for your chivalry.

Anytime from 8:00 to 12:00.

[ Tom ] Gerry! -Good-bye, dear.

Let me through there. You got a ticket?

Oh, I – No ticket, no passee.

[ Conductor ] All aboard!

Gerry! Gerry!

♪♪ [ Piano: Honky-tonk ]

[ Dogs Barking, Whimpering ]

[ Barking, Howling ]

[ Laughter, Chattering ]

♪♪ [ Honky-tonk Continues ]

Hiya! Come on in! Oh, hello! Glad you could come.

Here. Not while we're on duty, thanks. Who's the head man here?

You mean president of the club? Whoever has the tickets. We don't care.

Oh, Ozzie! Front and center! [ Man Hiccups ]

This is Mr. Osmond, president of the Ale and Quail Club. How are you?

It's about the tickets. How many in the party? [ Hiccups ]

How many members in this club? Well, there's – There's, uh – There's Ozzie and Hitchie and him and him.

That makes four. And you and me. That makes six.

I'm not a member of this club. And why not?

It isn't good enough for you? Now let's get this straight. How many members are there?

One, two, three, four, five, six. Six.

All right. That's three. Now we'll start from there.

You tryin' to make a liar out of me?

Mr. President, I move that this member be expelled!

Second the motion. All those in favor, say "aye"!

[ All Members ] Aye! [ Hiccups ]

All right. We're expelled. Have a drink, boys.

Okay. That's four. That's seven!

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. What's the matter with you? You cockeyed?

It ain't me that's cockeyed. Lookin' for trouble, eh?

[ Hinch ] Mr. Osmond doesn't always carry his liquor to perfection.

[ Hiccups ] [ Members Laughing ]

Now let's start this all over. Now just a moment, Officer.

I'm not an officer. I'm a conductor on this train.

Uh, all in "flavor," say "aye"!

[ All ] Aye!

Opposed? [ All ] Nay!

Opposition vote. [ All ] No!

[ Hiccups ]

Good night. Good night.

If there's the slightest trouble, just knock on my wall. Oh, thank you, Mr. – Don't give it a thought. As I've so often said at dinners and our little gatherings and – Where's your baggage? My bag – What?

Where's your luggage? What are you going to sleep in?

Oh, that's quite all right. I'll just – You see, I left so hurriedly.

Why, bless my soul, you stay right here.

I'll have you a pair of pajamas before you can say – What size do you take?

Never mind. You'll have to take my size. They may be big, but still –

[ Groans ]

[ Men Singing ] ♪ Suwannee River ♪

♪ That's where the old folks stay ♪

♪ All the world is sad and dreary ♪

♪ Everywhere I roam ♪

♪ Oh, darkies, how my heart grows weary ♪

♪ Far from the old folks at home ♪♪

Any calls?

[ Knocking ]

Hello there. Where's that pretty girl with the nice figure that lives here... that I seen yesterday?

Who are you? I'm fine, thanks. How are you?

You must be her husband. Where is she?

What's that your business? I'm in the sausage business.

Just wanted to tell her we moved in after all.

Took the green apartment down the hall that the opera singer moved out of.

She's gone.

I say she's gone! She's gone to Florida! She's going to divorce me!

You say she's gone? That's right.

Good for her. A pretty girl like that can get anybody.

Why hang around with a man that can't pay the rent?

Look here, you've made trouble enough around here without getting insulting about it!

Don't threaten me! I'm twice your age and only half as big... but I'm mighty handy with a shillelagh – All right, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I guess you didn't mean any harm!

You're probably very kind at that.

You say she's gone and left you? That's right.

How did she go? By train? That's right. That's right!

Why don't you fly down there in an aerioplane with a bunch of roses in your hand... and meet her when she gets off and bring her home?

Because I'm not in the sausage business! So am I.

And it's a good business if you know where to get the meat cheap.

That's my secret, and I ain't tellin' no one.

Have you got money for an aerioplane ticket? No!

Why don't you say so instead of standin' there like a big stinkweed!

How much do you need?

[ Bells Clanging ] [ Whistle Blowing ]

[ Knocking ] [ Man ] Open the door!

What'd you say? Open the door!

We want you to hear something. Oh, but I've gone to bed.

That's all right. Get back in bed. We'll put you to sleep.

Come right in, boys. Now take your places.

Now, we all set? Everybody all right?

[ Duck Call ]

[ Off-key ] ♪ Sweet Adeline ♪

♪ Sweet Adeline ♪ [ Dog Howls ]

♪ My Adeline ♪ [ Dog Whimpering ]

♪ My Adeline ♪

[ Barking, Howling ]

♪ For you I pine ♪

♪ For you I pine ♪

♪♪ [ Singing Continues ] That bunch of sissies.

It's supposed to be a gun club, not a blasted singin' society.

Make mine with plain water. Never mind the ice.

Oughta expel 'em all from the club, the bunch of coeds.

"Sweet Adeline"! Phooey!

Never mind the ice. Just plain water.

Oh, thank you so much. Bang, bang!

[ Giggles ] What are you laughin' at?

Never touched them. Is that so?

Bang, bang! I suppose I never touched 'em that time?

The left one got away. "The left one got away"!

You oughta have your eyes examined.

Throw us up a couple of crackers, George. Yes, sir.

Ready? Bang, bang!

I suppose I missed 'em that time? Both of 'em!

I suppose you could do better? For 50 bucks!

Fifty bucks! Who'll be the judge? You'll be the judge.

All right. Go ahead! Not with that old blunderbuss. I'll use my own gun.

"You'll be the judge." Get me a lot of crackers, George.

I'm gonna take this sucker to the cleaners. "You'll be the judge."

For 50 bucks. Fifty bucks.

And you'll be the judge? I'll be the judge.

All right. Go ahead!

Yes, sir.

[ Gunshots ]

♪♪ [ Singing Continues ]

That's 50 bucks.

Bet you can't do it again. You're on!

Come on! Fifty dollars! Fifty dollars!

Bang, bang!

Bang, bang!

Wait a minute! You're usin' real shells!

Well, what did you think I was usin' – bird seed?

Well, wait a minute. Two can play at that game.

Why, certainly. It's lots of fun.

[ Hitchcock ] Toss 'em up, George!

I wouldn't do that if I were you, gentlemens.

The conductor's apt to get a little irritated.

Will ya toss those crackers up! Yes, sir.

[ Gunshots ] [ Gunshots ]

Wait a minute! You weren't supposed to shoot that time!

All right. It's my turn this time. All right. Fifty dollars.

I wouldn't do that if I were you, gentlemens. You apt to do some damage.

Will you toss 'em up, or am I gonna toss you up?

No, sir! I mean yes, sir!

♪♪ [ Singing Continues ]

[ Gunshots ]

♪ Good night, ladies ♪ Good night!

♪ Good night, ladies ♪ [ Gunshots ]

What was that noise? ♪ We're goin' to leave you now ♪

♪ Merrily we roll along ♪ [ Gunshots Continue ]

♪ Roll along, roll along ♪ Fellas! Trap shooting!

What? Trap shooting!

Let's go!

[ Men Clamoring ]

[ Gunshots Continue ] [ Men Chattering ]

Gentlemen, remember where you are!

[ Gunshots Continue ]

I wouldn't do that if I were you, gentlemens!

[ Whooping ] I wouldn't – [ Yelps ]

Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Remember we have a lady as our guest.


Gentlemen, if I were you – Why don't you wait till you –

[ Screams ]

Gentlemen, please!

[ Snoring ]


[ Snoring Continues ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Glasses Crunch ] Oh! Oh, I'm terribly sorry!

Oh, I hope I didn't hurt you! That's quite all right.

Just pick off any little pieces you see, will you?

Ohh. Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, this is awful. [ Blowing ]

Oh, dear. I can't tell you how sorry I am.

Don't mention it. I break them all the time.

Were you climbing upstairs? Well, I was, yes.

Just a minute. I'll help you. You're much too kind.

Quiet! Yes.

You put one foot here and one foot there, and you'll be up in a jiffy.

I'd trade berths with you, but mine has already been slept in. Oh, no. I wouldn't dream of it.

You've been much too kind already. Thank you so much.

[ Man ] Quiet!

Is that right? You're standing on my hand, but otherwise, it's perfect.

I'm so sorry. Don't mention it. You're as light as a feather.

Thank you. Good night. Good night.

One there. One over there. Yeah. Yeah.

Heave ho.

The – Oh, would you mind giving my foot a little push?


[ Glasses Crunch ] There.

[ Grunts ]

Thank you so much. Is something the matter?

Nothing at all. Everything is fine, thank you.

Oh. Good night. Good night.

Gentlemen! Gentlemen! She's gone!

Who's gone? Our guest!

Let's organize a posse! Hooray!

Where's the dogs? You can't have a posse without the dogs.

Hooray! [ Gunshots ]

♪ A-hunting we will go A-hunting we will go ♪

♪ Heigh-ho, the merry-o A-hunting we will go ♪ [ Dogs Barking ]

[ Imitating Fanfare ] ♪ A-hunting we will go ♪ [ Gunshots Continue ]

[ Imitating Fanfare ] ♪ A-hunting we will go ♪

♪ A-hunting we will go A-hunting we will go ♪

♪♪ [ Singing Continues ] There's a posse goin' through the train!

A posse? I knew it! I knew it!

Come on, Al! ♪ A-hunting we will go ♪

[ Woman Screams ] ♪ A-hunting we will go Heigh-ho, the merry-o ♪

♪ A-hunting we will go ♪ [ Dogs Continue Barking ]

[ Imitating Fanfare ] ♪ A-hunting we will go ♪

[ Imitating Fanfare ] ♪ A-hunting we will go ♪

♪ A-hunting we will go A-hunting we will go ♪

♪ Heigh-ho, the merry-o A-hunting we will go ♪

[ Imitating Fanfare ] ♪ A-hunting we will go ♪ Dogs! Go on! Go on!

Fellas, they found something! [ Men ] Hooray! Yippee!

♪ A-hunting we will go A-hunting we will go ♪ What's going on here? Get back to your car! Who are you? You're expelled!

Get back to your car, or I'll call the engine crew and have you all locked up!

Who brought those dogs in here? Get 'em outta here! [ Gunshot ]

Who fired that shot? Don't you know that's a misdemeanor?

Get back to your car, or I'll wire ahead and have you all locked up!

Now get out of here! Get back to your car! Go on!

[ Dogs Continue Barking ] Get 'em out! Get 'em out!

♪♪ [ Singing Continues ] [ Dogs Continue Barking ]

[ Imitating Fanfare ] ♪ A-hunting we will go ♪

♪ A-hunting we will go A-hunting we will go ♪ [ Dog Whimpering ]

♪ Heigh-ho, the merry-o A-hunting we will go ♪ Are you all right? ♪ A-hunting we will go ♪ F-Fine, thank you.

[ Dogs Howling ] ♪ Heigh-ho, the merry-o A-hunting we will go ♪

♪ Heigh-ho, the merry-o A-hunting we will go ♪ [ Gunshots Continue ]

[ Imitating Fanfare ] ♪ A-hunting we will go ♪

♪ A-hunting we will go A-hunting we will go ♪

♪ A-hunting we will go A-hunting we will go ♪

♪ Heigh-ho, the merry-o – ♪ Oh, you will, will you? Well, I'll show you!

This is one trip you'll remember.

[ Gunshots Continue ]

♪ A-hunting we will go ♪

[ Imitating Fanfare ] ♪ A-hunting we will go ♪ Hey! What's goin' on here?

[ Shouting ] ♪♪ [ Singing Continues ]

[ Whistle Blowing ]

No, ma'am. What do you mean my clothes aren't there?

They're in stateroom "B," in the private car behind the diner – the club car – with my ticket, my handbag, my lipstick and everything. No, ma'am.

"No, ma'am." You just didn't look. Oh, yes, ma'am, I looked.

But I didn't see it 'cause it weren't there. That's why I didn't see it.

I suppose it just blew up. No, ma'am. We set it out.

You set it out? Yes, ma'am. The conductor kinda got riled up with 'em... so he set it out on a siding at Rockingham Hamlet for 'em to cool off.

A very pretty little city. Never mind the geography. Where's the conductor?

He got off at Rawley. That's where he lives. Last call for breakfast.

Dining car in the rear. Very pretty countryside there.

You don't seem to understand. My clothes are lost. Last call for breakfast.

Shut up. Yes, ma'am.

No, ma'am. They ain't lost. Nothin' ever gets lost on a Pullman.

They safe, all right. I recollect one time a lady left a whole pile – I just want to get into my clothes. You can't do that.

What do I go around in – a blanket like an Indian? I got a brown overcoat.

Well, that's very kind of you. Hello.

Hello. What are you doing for breakfast?

Well, if you don't ask me, I won't be doing much.

And if you do ask me, it might make quite a scandal.

Huh? Lady lose her clothes.

You lost your clothes? Why, that's terrible.

And my ticket and my bag and my shoes and my makeup.

My toothbrush – only I don't think I had one.

This is disgraceful. I'll certainly write to the president of the company.

How could such a thing happen? I don't know.

My things seem to have gotten into a car back there somewhere somehow... and now the car just doesn't seem to be there.

Not that car full of drunks, I hope, that they had to disconnect.

Oh, perish the thought.

As soon as we come to a town, I could jump over to a store and jump back.

With a Mother Hubbard. Well, that's very kind of you.

In the meantime, I suppose I'll have to lie here in this hat rack.

Anyway, I haven't any money for you to jump over to a store and back with.

Oh, I have money. Oh, you have?

Oh, yes. Now, if you could just get over to the store to pick out what you need – We got a stretcher in the baggage car up ahead.

Wouldn't that be stretching it a little?

[ Chuckles ] Wait a minute.

Maybe we could borrow some odd pieces here and there among the lady passengers.

Oh, murder. That's a wonderful idea.

You take that side, and I'll take this side. Yes, sir.

And I'll take the neck.

Here, we've got some more. Or are you satisfied?


I could lend you my earrings.

[ Train Whistle Blowing ]

Good morning. Good morning.

Oh! Why, that's lovely. Now you won't need anything else.

That's what you think.

Yes, ma'am.

If there's one thing I admire... it's a woman who can whip up something out of nothing.

You should taste my popovers. I'd love to.

The homely virtues are so hard to find these days – a woman who can sew and cook and bake, even if she doesn't have to.

And knit and – And weave.

You're joking, but I mean, seriously, that is a woman.

Were you going to buy me some breakfast... or would you like me to bake you something here at the table?

I like a witty woman too. Now, what will you have?

The 35-cent breakfast seems the best at first glance... but if you analyze it for solid value, the 55-center is the one.

I wouldn't want to impose. No. Feel free to choose anything you like.

There's even a 75-cent breakfast if it appeals to you.

We might share one. Wait a minute.

With two eggs, toast and choice of fruit thrown in...

I'm not sure the 75-cent breakfast isn't the best value after all.

Do we dare? I'm not really the way you think I am.

It's just my upbringing. Oh, waiter.

Yes, sir. Two 75-cent breakfasts, please.

I'll start with a prairie oyster. Yes, ma'am.

It's a very tempting choice in the $1.10 breakfast.

Two 75-cent breakfasts.

I'll start with a prairie oyster, also, whatever it is.

Make mine on the half shell. Yes, sir.

Prairie oysters is à la carte. All right, all right.

They always get the best of you somehow.

Now, you say you have no ticket? That's right.

Naturally, I can't buy you a ticket – a perfectly strange young woman.

Naturally. In the first place, you wouldn't accept it.

In the second place – There's the expense.

I wasn't actually thinking of that. Now, I get off at Jacksonville.

I guess I do, too, unless they throw me off sooner.

Suppose we go to a store in Jacksonville and buy you the few little things you need... and then you come the rest of the way with me by boat?

You won't have had to accept a ticket from somebody you don't know... but you'll still get to where you're going.

How's that? I don't have to row, do I?

Two prairie oysters.

Oh, very nice. Let's have that one too.

How much is it? That is 212.50, monsieur.

We'll take it. We'll take it.

I – I didn't expect you to buy me all this stuff.

I really don't think I can accept it.

If you'd just get me a dress and some shoes and a hat.

Really more in the nature of a loan.

Nonsense. It's cheaper in the end to buy good quality... and enough of them so that you don't wear them out.

They last longer, they look better... and there's a certain pleasure to having a change.

Well, that's awfully kind of you.

Are you sure you can afford all this?

I think so. We haven't done anything very extravagant yet.

Well, I'd hate to have you end up on a chain gang.

I think we're still perfectly safe. Oh.

You're really sure it's all right? Oh, certainly.

You're not a burglar or something? Oh, no. That was my grandfather.

[ Laughs ] At least, that's what they called him.

Oh. Yes.

[ Murmuring ]

[ Gerry ] Do you like this one?

Oh, it's lovely.

But aren't the sleeves a little short?

[ French Accent ] Oh, that is for the bracelet, monsieur.

That is what we call the bracelet length.

Oh. Would you like a bracelet?

What kind of a bracelet do you mean?

Any kind you like. You mean with stones?

Certainly with stones! They are all the rage.

Why not? What kind of stones do you like?

Well – Red!

That is all the rage. You mean like garnets?

Don't you think garnets are a little lifeless?


Why, certainly. This is great fun.

I've never bought things for a girl before – I mean, in any such quantities.

You've been denying yourself, monsieur... one of the basic pleasures in life.

I guess I have.

[ Sharp Whistle ] All right. [ Clerk ] Plus tax.

Yes, it's these taxes that get you down.

I keep feeling that two men with butterfly nets... are going to creep up behind you and lead you away.

You're thinking of my uncle. I'm not the crazy one in the family.

I'm perfectly normal. Why do you travel around in a lower berth?

I find it a little stuffy in an upper.

Oh, you mean why don't I take a stateroom? Yes.

Staterooms are un-American. [ Exhales ]

Well, thank you. Don't mention it.

Now, if you can't think of anything else, we'd better get started.

Just charge everything, please, and have it put in the taxi. Good day.

Excuse me. Oh, I'm so sorry. Forgive me.

I'm so used to buying in stores where I'm known that it totally slipped my mind.

Mr. Ha-Ha-Ha – That's all right. Don't mention it.

Excuse me, please. I didn't – Good day.

Well, what are you standing there for? Where are the packages?

How about some service!

Why do I got to do everything myself?

Is this yours?

Oh, yes. Actually, it was my grandfather's, but he didn't like it.

He only used it once. This was his hat.

Do you happen to remember how much tip I gave the taxi driver?

Well, I didn't see the coin... but from his face, I think it was 10 cents.

Tipping is un-American.

What's your name? Hackensacker.

Not John D. Hackensacker?

Oh, I'm not my grandfather, of course.

He's dead anyway. I'm John D., III.

Then you're one of the richest men in the world.

Yes, I suppose so. I would step on your face.

That's quite all right. I rather enjoyed it.

Twice! You made quite an impression.

May I get you a rug, madam? Oh, no, thank you.

Will you dine on deck, Mr. Hackensacker, or in the saloon?

We can have it on deck, if you like, but it blows everything all over the place.

There are a lot of inconveniences to yachting... that most people don't know anything about.

Give me the peaceful train. In the saloon, please.

Very good, madam.

See what I mean?

I just happen to own this thing, or I'd never go near it.

Did you say you were John D., III or IV? The Third.

The Fourth will be my son, when I marry.

Oh. Then it really didn't mean anything to you... to buy me all those things, did it?

I can't pretend that it was a great sacrifice... but it did give me a great deal of pleasure.

You like to write in your little book.

It used to please my grandfather.

It's just a habit. It's nonsense really.

I write things down, but I never add them up.

Where are you staying in Palm Beach? Oh, no place yet.

[ Bell Clanging ] Where are you staying?

At my sister's. Oh, yes, the princess. Or is it the duchess?

The Princess Centimillia. Of course.

What are you going to Palm Beach for?

A divorce. Oh.

Well, you needn't look so sour about it.

Your sister's been divorced five times, hasn't she?

No, no. Three. She was annulled twice.

Oh. Well, I've never been divorced before.

Good. By the way, what is your name?

Oh, Jeffers. Geraldine Jeffers.

Was he brutal to you? Huh?

Oh, not particularly.

A drunkard, huh?

No, not congenital or anything like that.

Women always protect the man they've been married to.

Yes, I suppose it's human nature.

Did he beat you?

Not often. The hound.

Oh, a man's a man, I suppose. They're all tarred with the same brush.

How brave you are. When I marry, there'll be no divorce.

That's why I've been a little cautious.

You're afraid somebody will marry you for your money. Oh, I expect that.

When money reaches certain proportions... you can't ignore it any more than you can a-a – A horse in a bedroom.

I wasn't thinking exactly of that, but it'll serve.

I see marriage as a sort of permanent welding... a growing together of two trees – in spite of anything my sister can demonstrate to the contrary – into a sort of permanent mess – mass.

Like a permanent grafting of two trees into a permanent graft.

Oh, that one's too easy.

Oh, you mean a permanent graft. [ Laughs ]

I get it. But it doesn't have to be.

It can be very nice, I'm sure. Oh, it can be.

And after the divorce, you have plans?

Oh, yes. Anybody I know?

I know almost everybody in Palm Beach.

Oh, no. I haven't picked him out yet. Just some very rich man.

Some very rich man?

Oh, I wasn't thinking of anyone as rich as you.

That might get to be annoying. It is.

Is it? No, I just meant somebody who's well fixed... and who could spare the $99,000 without missing it too much.

I'm not quite sure I understand about the $99,000.

Well, you see, he just happens to need $99,000.

And, after all, I don't see any reason why he shouldn't get it... if I'm throwing it out the windows.

This is your last husband you're talking about? Yes.

He wants to sell you for $99,000? Oh, no.

I don't think he had any such idea at all. What do you call it?

Well, I mean, after all, I – He's entitled to something.

I mean, he did protect me and give me food, such as it was... and clothes, such as they were, for a few years.

And now, if I can repay – But the man is a vermin. No court of law – Don't you think I'm worth $99,000? That has nothing to do with it.

You're probably worth that, twice that, three times.

But even so, the days of serfdom – I mean bondage – I mean, the days you bought a wife for a cow are over. I never heard of such a thing.

Chivalry is not only dead, it's decomposed.

Well, how much did this yacht cost you?

That is entirely beside the point. A woman is not a vessel.

Of all the filthy things I've heard in my life, I still – How does he want it? In cash maybe.

In cash, so I won't stop the check. The scoundrel.

I don't mean me. I mean whoever's – Oh, well, I don't think he'll ever get it. It was just an idea.

There is a name for such reptiles... but I won't sully this sweet ocean breeze by mentioning it.

I may not be exactly in the best of shape... but if ever I meet this Mr. Jeffers...

I'll thrash him within an inch of his life.

Oh, then I hope you never meet him.

I suppose he's large. Well, he's not small.

That's one of the tragedies of this life – that the men who are most in need of a beating up are always enormous.

[ Train Whistle Blowing, Bell Clanging ]

[ Train Whistle Blowing, Bell Clanging ]

[ Chattering ]

She's a tall, dark-haired girl with big eyes.

Yes, sir. I know who you talkin' about.

You mean the young lady that lose all her clothes. Lost all her clothes?

Yes, sir. But we fix her up with a blanket when she got off at Jacksonville.

She got off at Jacksonville? Yes, sir.

Alone? Well, you might practically say she's alone.

The gentleman that got off with her... give me 10 cents from New York to Jacksonville.

Watch your step, lady. She's alone, but she don't know it.

Never mind the philosophy. Then she's at Jacksonville!

Yes, sir. No, sir. Oh, she said that he said... he was gonna take her down there on his boat.

I suppose she means "yachet."

But I don't see how no gentleman can give me a dime... from New York to Jacksonville can have a yachet.

Maybe a canoe or a bicycle. Yes, sir.

[ Bell Clanging ]

[ Anchor Splashes ] [ Gangway Clattering ]

Hey, let me use these a minute, will you? Surely.

[ Whistle Blows ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

Thanks. Anytime.

I think you'll like Palm Beach very much.


Who's that? Oh, that's my sister, the princess. Hello, Maude.

Hello, Snoodles. Where'd you get the pretty girl?

Greetings. She calls me Snoodles.

Is that the prince? No, the prince is all washed up.

This is something new. It might be a duke.

It might be her tailor too. She goes out with anything.

Hello, darling. What a perfectly beautiful day.

Were you seasick on the way down? Wherever did you find her?

This is Toto. Say "How do you do?" Toto. Greetings.

Toto's a refugee – from his creditors, I think.

Greetings. [ Thud ]

[ Muttering In Foreign Language ]

Glad to be aboard, sir. How are you, darling? Hello, Maude.

Hello. Glad to see you aboard. You get prettier as one gets nearer.

Thank you. How did you manage it? He's stiffer than a plank.

This must have done him a power of good. This is my sister. Maude, Mrs. – Don't tell me he doesn't even know your name! This is perfectly marvelous.

Tell me he picked you up on the train and you'll make me a happy woman.

Greetings. All right, Toto, you've said "How do you do?"

Wait till I tell the papers.

Maude, somebody meeting you for the first time, not knowing you were cracked... might get the wrong impression. Did he really pick you up on the train?

I was in awful trouble until he nobly came to my rescue.

Now you've spoiled everything. I hoped for once he hadn't done anything noble... that he was really cooking with gas.

What a lovely suit. He bought me this.

Why, Snoodles, you rat. We'll work this into something yet.

This is perfectly electrifying. You must come and stay with us, and we'll warm this up.

You're divorced, of course. No, no. Not quite.

That's marvelous. I don't think I'm quite through with the prince yet either.

We can look for new husbands together.

I'm thinking of an American at the moment. It seems more patriotic.

Greetings. No, no, Toto. His English is a little elementary.

Yitz. Nitz.

[ Speaking Foreign Language ] What language does he speak?

I don't know. I think it's Baluchistan, but it's impossible to tell.

Hello. Let's go ashore.

I'll put you in the blue suite. We'll have a wonderful time.

You're perfectly respectable. As long as we don't roll on the floor... and give the butler hysterics, we'll be cooking on the front burner.

I talk a lot, don't I? [ Hackensacker ] Yes.

Ah, Snoodles, you snake in the grass!

[ Motorboat Approaching ]

Did you get him drunk, or how did you do it?

You'll have to tell me all about it later. Maude.

Look at that very handsome man. I wonder who he is.

I don't think I've seen him around before.

I thought I knew all the handsome men in this village.

We could use some new faces. It isn't possible.

[ Maude ] What isn't possible?

I think I know that man. In fact, I'm sure of it.

[ Ship Horn Blows ]

What did you follow me down here for anyway?

What do you mean what did I follow you down here for? You're my wife, aren't you?

You're making an ass of yourself, exposing yourself to all sorts of dangers... that I promised to love, honor and protect you from. But that isn't fair!

Will you realize that I'm doing this for you too? I don't want you to do any more.

But I've left you. I'm not your wife any longer.

You're not my husband. Gerry, darling.

No, no. Stop it. Well, I must say you do know him!

[ Laughing ] This is the Princess Centimillia.

My brother, Captain Mc – McGlue.

What? Captain. We should have met sooner.

If I'd seen you around, we would have.

This is my brother, Captain Hackensacker. Captain McGlue – that's an odd name.

Yes, isn't it? How do you do, Captain? I'm not a captain.

That's my sister's joke because I own a yacht.

That's my sister's joke because I don't own one. [ Laughs ]

Very glad to meet you. Your sister didn't tell me she had a brother here.

No, I just dropped over. You're staying with us, of course.

No, we wouldn't want to inconvenience you. We'll go to a hotel.

Inconvenience us? Bumble puppy. But, Mac – We practically run a hotel. This will give the servants some exercise.

I won't take no for an answer. Your brother's a very fine-looking man.

You look exactly alike. I suppose he's married.

No, no. He's entirely free. You don't tell me.

Now, look – Don't pay any attention to her, Captain.

Her bark is worse than her bite. That's what you think.

I wish I hadn't brought Toto along today.

Somebody think of an errand to send him on.

Hello. Toto, this is Captain McGlue.

I'm going to see more of him and less of you from now on.

Hello. Listen carefully, dear. I left my handkerchief –

[ Speaks Foreign Language ] On the yacht. You go fetch it, see?

Nitz. Yitz, Toto.

Nitz. It'll be nitz to you, Toto.

[ Mutters ] And now, Captain, you may take my arm.

Uh – What did you say you were captain of?

I didn't say a word about it.

How wonderful it is meeting a silent American again.

All my husbands were foreigners. And such chatterboxes.

I could hardly get a word in edgeways.

They make a handsome couple, don't they? Pardon?

My sister and your brother. It'd be nice if something came of it.

Oh – Oh! Oh, yes, wouldn't it? It would be wonderful for him.

Of course, she's no bargain, but it might happen very easily.

She's a woman of iron determination.

Once her mind is made up, you might as well yield.

[ Chuckles ] I can see what you mean.

I'm glad you're gonna stay with us, and your brother too. Are you?

I don't know why I didn't think of it, or maybe I did think of it.

But it took someone of my sister's courage to make it come true.

You're very sweet. Thank you very much.

The captain's a big fellow, isn't he?

Yes, isn't he? You look exactly alike.

Yes, don't we? You know, people always remark on it.

[ Both Laughing ]

[ Birds Chirping ]

Why don't you marry her? She's lovely.

In the first place, she isn't free yet.

In the second place, you don't marry somebody you just met the day before.

At least, I don't. But that's the only way, dear.

If you get to know too much about them, you'd never marry them.

I'd marry Captain McGlue tomorrow.

Even with that name. And divorce him next month.

Nothing is permanent in this world except Roosevelt, dear.

As a matter of fact, Maude, I'm becoming very attracted to this young woman... more so than anyone I've known the same length of time. Aha.

But I want to know how she is early in the morning, late at night, rain or shine... under trying circumstances – as when the servants leave in a body – how she is with children – What are you gonna do – rent some?

Why not? Perhaps we could borrow some.

You mean a mock marriage? I certainly do not.

I revere marriage, unlike some people I could mention.

Oh, here.

But why "Captain McGlue"? Of all the idiotic names.

Because I want him to build your airport for you, darling.

He seems to have something against my husband.

I don't know why. But as my brother – Apart from the fact that I wouldn't let him build a chicken coop for me...

I'd still like to know why I'm to be called Captain McGlue.

Of all the nincompoopish – Wasn't that your mother's name?

What – Captain McGlue? Really, Geraldine.

Her name was McGrew. M-C-G-R-E-W.

Oh, well, I'm sorry, darling. I remembered it as McGlue.

Yes, well, I guess I'm stuck with it now. Captain McGlue.

What am I supposed to be captain of – a garbage scow?

I put that in to make it more dignified.

Couldn't you have been a captain in the last war? Sure.

I was 11 years old at the finish, a captain in knee britches.

What about the Boy Scouts? Wonderful.

I could go around building bonfires on the drawing room carpet.

I'm sorry, darling. I really meant it for the best.

I know you did. That's what's so irritating about it.

Where'd you get the brother idea?

Because you had your arms around me.

I suppose no one's ever had his arms around you except your brother... only you haven't got one.

I don't suppose Captain Hackensacker ever put his arms around you.

Of course not. Of course not.

Yachts must have changed since the last time I was on one.

That's what they build yachts for.

Naturally, he will put his arms around me when and if we're engaged.

Oh, we're engaged now, are we? Is there anything wrong with being engaged?

You oughta know. Where'd you get that suit?

That's what I was telling you about.

What's that you've got on your wrist? Just what you think it is, dear.

What kind of stones are those? Exactly what they look like.

Do you know what it feels like to be strangled with bare hands?

Oh, now wait a minute, darling.

I've always been on the level with you, and I always will be.

Here. What's that supposed to be?

You put that over on the mantelpiece.

Lovebirds, huh?

Now, so long as that's there... you won't have the slightest, smallest thing to be unhappy about.

That'll be a signal, and we'll never have to mention the subject.

And that goes for you too. Huh?

And your friend the princess you seem to be cutting such a groove with.


Say, where'd you get the money to fly down here anyway?

Same place you got yours, only I didn't have to kiss him good-bye.

Oh, the Wienie King.

He wanted us to get back together, I guess.

Don't you think we owe it to him?

Why don't you let me go out there and poke that guy in the nose? Just once.

Because I've left you, darling, for both our good. Now just – Excuse me. Mac, did you happen to – You don't mind if I call you "Mac," do you?

Did you happen to bring a tuxedo with you? I did not.

The business I came here to tend to didn't call for one.

And you can stop pulling my coat. That's perfectly all right.

In a pinch, you can wear one of mine. In a pinch! That's very funny.

I won't be here that long. Why, Mac.

That's too bad, old man. I'd hoped you'd spend the season with us.

I wanted to get to know you better.

There's something I want to talk to you about before you go.

I'm very glad you showed up when you did. So am I.

Good. I needed a male member of Gerry's family. You have him.

Fine. Now I have a certain thought.

I have a certain thought also, and it's that bracelet.

Mac! I'm very glad you brought that up.

Mac is delighted with it, Snoodles.

He shouldn't be. He isn't.

Fine. The first bracelet my sister got, I punched the fellow in the nose.

Fellow by the name of Wallace. I can see we understand each other perfectly.

I didn't like it any more than you do this. You're reading my mind.

Splendid, but there's a difference between Wallace and me.

I'm not interested in Wallace. There's no reason why you should be.

Now I, on the other hand – If I could trust you two boys not to slug each other...

I'd like to make an exit right about here.

I feel like a bone between two dogs.

We're going to get along together all right.

There's nothing the matter with my intentions, as Mac will be the first to admit.

The only thing that could embarrass you... would be the lovely things I want to say to him about you – your face, your form – things that a brother is naturally blind to.

Is that so? Geraldine's future... and this little plan I have which I'd better discuss with you before – What's buzzin', cousins? What's the dirt? Never mind, Maude.

It's just a little something I want to discuss with Mac. [ Laughing ]

My dear, when you hear what it is, you will simply expire.

Maude! Maude, please! It's too, too excruciating!

He wants a miniature marriage with you.

A miniature what? Go away, Toto. This is not for children.

You know, everything up to the dissolve... and then "Good night, sweetheart. I'll see you in the morning."

[ Tom ] What's this? The boy wants to bundle!


And then he's gonna make you cook and sew and wash the windows... and then he's gonna get some little brats to see if you know how to change them.

But how? He's going to rent them!

Oh! [ Laughing ]

Let's you and me go someplace. They want to be alone.

But just a minute. I – Don't take it so seriously.

They want to bake a cake, dear. They want to bake a wha –

[ Laughing ] Well, I –

[ Laughing Continues ] I don't know what to say.

I didn't realize it was so humorous.

Did you really want to put me through all that?

There's no use trying to conceal it now.

I might have guessed it on the train.

I certainly should have known it in Jacksonville and on the yacht.

The trial was as much for you as for me.

And however ridiculous I may seem... there's nothing ridiculous about the way I feel in my heart.

I'm madly in love with you. Aw .

Oh, isn't that pretty? Why do you keep bothering them all the time?

If you want to bother somebody, bother me.

You know, I'm not sure that Mac likes me.

Oh, no, no, no. He's always like that.

It's just that he doesn't seem to think anybody's good enough for me.

Well, he's right there.

♪♪ [ Orchestra: Romantic ]

You don't care much for me, do you?

Why, certainly.

Why do you let me flop around?

I'm sorry.

You will care for me though. I grow on people – like moss.

[ Foreign Language ] Sit down, Toto. Stop following me around.

Koosh. Platz. Zitz.

Nitz. Yitz, Toto.

[ Foreign Language ]

♪♪ [ Continues ]

♪ Isn't it romantic? ♪

♪ La-da-da-da da-dee-dee ♪♪ Oh, you have a nice little voice.

Thank you. I used to sing in college.

With a mandolin? I wouldn't play it around the house.

Would you be around the house much? Not any more than you wanted me.

I have an office, not that I do much in it.

Perhaps Mac could come and help me.

[ Gasps ] That would be wonderful!

You two could plan the airport together. What airport is that?

The most remarkable invention you've ever heard of.

A suspended airport right in the middle of the city... stretched like a tennis racket.

But would it be strong enough? After all, a tennis racket – What's Gerry's husband like? Who? Oh, just a flop.

A big flop? Yes, any way you take it.

Well, he won't be such a flop with his $99,000.

Snoodles will give it to him, all right. And why not?

[ Laughing ] I oughta marry him and get it back into the family.

That would be a big joke. Of course, I'm crazy. I'll marry anyone.

What's this about $99,000? I might be able to help him.

In fact, I will be able to help him. In fact, I'll help him. Why not?

Will you really? Of course I will, up to a certain point.

How much would a working model cost?

Ninety-nine thou – I mean, $100,000 – in that neighborhood.

That shouldn't be a very difficult neighborhood to find.

I think I'll be able to do it all right.

Oh, really? You've made me so happy.

You don't know how much trouble he's had. Is that so?

He won't know what trouble really is till he tangles up with Maude.

Oh, that's rather unkind. I shouldn't have said it.

You say about a hundred thousand? Exactly a hundred thousand.

It's built. Oh! [ Laughing ]

You mean her husband wants $99,000 before he'll give her a divorce?

Oh, I love you like this, with lightning flashing out of your eyes.

Did she tell you that story? Why should we talk about that heel when you're here?

Did she tell you that? Do that again. I love it.


Oh, Snoodles, that's wonderful!

Tom – Mac will be wild with excitement.

You know, when you've waited so long.

Not at all. Not at all. I'm delighted to have the opportunity.

Look – Darling, I have the most wonderful news.

Snoodles is going to build your airport for you.

Why should he build it? I'll build it. You don't even know what it is.

[ Foreign Language ] Quiet, Toto.

That gives us a lot to look forward to, doesn't it?

I don't know as I've told you, Mac... but your sister and I have progressed considerably since this afternoon.

Oh, is that so?

What's all this business about your husband wanting $99,000... before he sets you free?

Oh, that was just an idea that he had.

You know how people are when they're upset.

I'm not sure that he actually meant it. Let's not even talk about it.

No, no, let's face it.

Gerry naturally wants to defend this human bacterium.

That's only natural and gallant. But the fact of the matter is he's asked her for it.

And as soon as my name comes into it, we're doomed. Broiled.

As a Hackensacker, I find it cheaper to pay than to fight.

Of course, $99,000 isn't a small sum, but it isn't large.

I should say not. Why, when I think of Stefan, to say nothing of Serge.

Or that big one with the scar – What was his name? Itsk.

Baron Itsk! Lucius.

Itsk? Nitz, Toto.

I'm awfully sorry to hear that about Tom.

I knew he was a failure and a dreamer, I guess... but I didn't know he was a skunk.

It's very kind of you to want to build the airport – I mean, the model of it.

I guess I was a little too stunned to say thank you... but you know how it is when you've been waiting for something for a long time.

There's only one trouble with the whole setup... something that Gerry neglected to tell you.

That is that I'm not alone in this invention.

That human bacterium we were talking about – her husband – has had exactly as much to do with it as I have.

So, you see, if you help me, you'd be helping him too.

I know nothing could be further from your wish.

How about dancing with your brother?

[ Foreign Language ]

Shut up, Toto. My brother is thinking.

What did you have to do that for, you fathead?

Don't you ever get tired of being noble?

Everything I build up for you you knock down.

I've got you the money twice already. Look, darling – No, I don't want to listen to anything that begins with "Look, darling"... so that you can get off another noble saying.

Can't you ever learn to be practical?

Don't you know that the greatest men in the world have told lies... and let things be misunderstood if it was useful to them?

Didn't you ever hear of a campaign promise?

The way you are is the way you have to be, honey.

That's the way I am. If I'm supposed to be a flop – You're not going to be a flop.

Nobody who's been married to me for five years is going to be a flop.

You're going to get your airport... if I have to build it for you myself.

After I'm married.

After you're married.

That's a funny thing to hear your wife say.

I've got it. I'll build it, and his share will be more than $99,000... so he'll have to release you.

Whose share? That scoundrel she's married to.

Isn't that brilliant? It's the first bright thought he's ever had.

That's marvelous! It was really very simple.

Now shall we change partners? It seems a shame... to waste such a beautiful sister upon a brother that doesn't appreciate her.

You said it. [ Laughing ]

♪♪ [ Continues ]

Ah, thank you so much. It was delightful.

Not at all.

[ Frogs Croaking ] Oh, dear!

What's the matter? We must've forgotten Toto someplace.

Oh, is that so? I suppose he'll show up though. He always does.

Greetings! Ah, yes.

Wouldn't he be awful to be married to? Always hanging around.

[ Hiccups ]

Captain, you have renewed my faith in mankind.

Well, there's nothing like saving your faith.

[ Laughing ] You are too, too divine!

You're a very embarrassing lady.

If I weren't a little bit mixed up at the moment...

I'd take you up on a few of your dares and make you say "papa."


How would you like to go to Fort Myers tomorrow?

There's nothing there, but the ride might be nice.

We might put Toto in the army. I may not be here tomorrow.

What do you mean you may not be here tomorrow?

I'm a little mixed up, but I sort of have an appointment in New York.

Oh, let her wait, whoever she is.

She's no good for you anyway, while I, on the other hand – You never think of anything but topic "A," do you?

Is there anything else?

I'll leave you with that thought, Captain.

Bonsoir, Drip-drap.

[ Footsteps Approaching ]

[ Gerry Laughing ]

Oh, dear. You're very kind.

I think this is the happiest night of my life.

Oh, really, Snoodles? Yes.

You've freed me of a certain timidity from which I've always suffered.

And now with you and Mac and the airport...

I can see great days ahead full of fun and everything. I'm sure of it, Snoodles.

By the way, I have a little surprise for you in a few minutes.

So don't be surprised. What is it?

If I told you what it is, then it wouldn't be a surprise anymore.

Well, I wouldn't do anything too surprising if I were you, Snoodles.

You never can tell how those things are going to turn out.

I'm persuaded you'll be delighted.

Well, I certainly hope I will be.

If you'll just leave your window open onto the balcony. What?

[ Ceramic Shatters ] What was that?

Oh, I didn't hear anything. Good night, Snoodles. I'll see you in a little while.

Good night. I'll see you in my dreams.

Yes, that's a very good place.

You're a fast worker, aren't you? You have your nerve to talk.

So you couldn't even wait a decent interval, you and your princess.

I hope you're very proud of yourself, Captain McGlue!

Wait a minute. No, let me go, you big pullover!

No, no. I just broke that because it was handy.

Oh! Well, then you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

I'm the one that has the right to – I know I'm an idiot.

But I suppose it's when you've been fond of somebody for a long time – You shouldn't have come down here.

You had no right to come down here.

You should have given me a little time to get used to the idea.

Maybe I should, but you can't blame a man... for trying to hold on to something that he loves... that he always has loved and always will love.

You're going to make me cry. Gerry.

No! You're forgetting the airport.

You're forgetting everything that counts.

Gerry. No! It's all finished!

When you make a decision, you have to stand by it.

[ Frogs Croaking ] You can't let champagne or – or tree toads... or night flowers or memories get in the way of it.

It's all over. I-I know it's for the best. But, Gerry, I – On, no. Now listen to me just this once, will you?

I've always done what you wanted, and it's always turned out a disaster.

Good night, darling. Sleep tight.

It'll be funny sleeping with a sitting room between us.

And the doors locked. You won't have to worry about that.

Nevertheless, good night, dear.

What? Well, don't you kiss your brother good night?

I don't know. I never had a brother.

You have one now.

[ Chuckles ] You fool.

♪♪ [ Orchestra: Romantic ] What's that?

♪♪ [ Continues ]

♪ Good – ♪

♪ Good night, sweetheart ♪

♪ Till we meet tomorrow ♪

♪ Good night, sweetheart ♪

♪ Sleep away your sorrow ♪ He shouldn't do things like that on a night like this. Good night.

♪ May make us forlorn ♪

♪ But with the dawn ♪

♪ A new day is born ♪

♪ So I'll say good night, sweetheart ♪

♪ Though I'm not beside you ♪

♪ Good night, sweetheart ♪

♪ Still my love will guide you ♪

♪ Dreams enfold you ♪

♪ In each one I'll hold you ♪

♪ Good night, sweetheart ♪

♪ Good night ♪

♪ Good night, sweetheart ♪

♪ Till we meet tomorrow ♪

♪ Good night, sweetheart ♪

♪ Sleep away your sorrow ♪

♪ Tears and parting ♪

♪ May make us forlorn ♪

♪ But with the dawn ♪

♪ A new day is born ♪

♪ So I'll say good night, sweetheart ♪

♪ Though I'm not beside you ♪

♪ Good night, sweetheart ♪

♪ Still my love will guide you ♪

♪ Dreams enfold you ♪

♪ In each one I'll hold you ♪

♪ Good night, sweetheart ♪

♪ Good night ♪

♪ Good night, sweetheart ♪

♪ Till we meet tomorrow ♪

♪ Good night, sweetheart ♪

♪ Sleep will banish sorrow ♪

♪ Tears and parting ♪

♪ May make us forlorn ♪

♪ But with the dawn ♪ I can't open this blasted dress.

♪ A new day is born ♪ All right. Come over here to the light.

♪ So I'll say good night, sweetheart ♪

♪ Though I'm not beside you ♪

♪ Good night, sweetheart ♪

♪ Still my love will guide you ♪ Sorry.

♪ Dreams enfold you ♪ Can you get it?

Just a minute. ♪ In each one I'll hold you ♪ Oh, darling, darling, darling!

♪ Good night, sweetheart ♪

♪ Good night ♪ I hope you realize this is costing us millions.

♪ Good night ♪♪

[ Parakeet Chirping ]

I suppose there's a law against shooting those things. Yes, ma'am, I think there is.

[ Sighs, Foreign Language ]

Oh, good morning, Toto. Greetings.

[ Foreign Language ]

It doesn't seem to matter how much champagne you soak up... you always feel great the next morning.

Hello. Thank you, darling.

I suppose it takes an iron constitution to be a houseguest.

[ Foreign Language ]

Why don't you go away someplace? Eh?

There must be somebody else who can use a houseguest.

I can't be the only sucker in the world. Why don't you go to Havana?

That's a nice place, and I'd treat you to a nice one-way ticket.

Havanag? Youg, meeg – Havanag?

Nog, Toto. Youg – Havanag. Meeg – here.

Nitz. I was afraid of that.

Say, Maude, is this all right? You have to work fast in these matters.

So I just slid down to Margetson's and slid back with this. Hello.

What is it – the Hope Blue? No, no. It's just a chip from it.

Boy, when you fall, you fall, don't you? [ Foreign Language ]

Go away, Toto. This might give you ideas. It's all right then?

I think she'll know what you mean. Good.

How do you think this would look on the captain's vest?

Maude, you're really incorrigible. [ Laughing ]

[ Foreign Language ] No, no, Toto. Naughty, naughty. Here.

[ Chirping Continues ]

[ Knocking ]

I suppose I'll have to give the bracelet back, won't I?

Why? Oh! Oh, dear.

What are you talking about?

Oh, Snoodles, I'm so fond of you.

You're a lovely, generous, good-hearted man, really a woman's ideal.

Only you shouldn't have sung last night. What?

Here's your bracelet. I'm going back to my husband.

That skunk? Oh, he isn't really.

I let you think much worse about him than he is.

You know how a woman likes sympathy.

But what about the $99,000? He didn't want that. I wanted it for him.

But – [ Gerry Gasps ]

Put it away. What?

Put it away. But, darling – I'll just take one more look at it, and then put it away forever.

There's a limit to what a woman can stand.

Hello there, Snoodles. How's every little thing?

I'm very unhappy, as a matter of fact. You'll get over it.

Do you know about Gerry's decision? Yes.

I'll never get over it as long as I live. I had such hopes, such plans.

Oh, Snoodles, I'm so sorry.

Anyway, we still have the airport. That'll keep us busy.

What's knittin', kittens? Gerry's going back to her husband.

Oh, you poor, dumb thing. I know just how it is. I'll bet he's a knockout.

I'm awfully sorry about Snoodles. You still have your airport.

You and the captain and I will be as busy as bird dogs, won't we?

I'm afraid that isn't possible either. Why not?

I still have – I always will have – the deepest affection for you.

Certainly nothing has happened to spoil my friendship with your brother.

Being with him will remind me of you.

Well, you see – What now?

He isn't exactly my brother. No.

He isn't exactly your brother? No.


Oh, shut up.

He-He – He's my husband.

[ Together ] He's your husband! That's right.

Well, no wonder! I thought I was losing my grip.

You mean the vermin who-who – Who-Who what?

That's right. You said he didn't. Then who is McGlue?

There is no McGlue. Well, thank heavens for something. That name!

Then it's the Jeffers Airport. That's it, isn't it?

[ Maude ] Are you still talking about that airport?

You really take it on the chin, don't you?

Why not? If an idea has merit, it has merit.

Sentiment and business don't belong in the same bed.

After all, Grandfather loathed oil – it made his eyes water – but that didn't stop him from making millions out of it.

You still want to go through with the airport?

Why not? On a purely business basis, of course.

Right now, I don't like you, although I may get over it later.

Right now, I need something to occupy my mind.

The airport is something, if not exactly what I'd hoped for.

I'll be very lonely without you, Gerry. Oh, Captain, and thou.

I don't suppose you have a sister.

Only a twin sister.

A twin sister! Oh, didn't you know about that?

That's how we were married in the beginning, both being twins.

That's another plot entirely. [ Together ] Both twins!

[ Together ] Are you a twin? Yes.

Well, what's he doing? Well, what's she doing?

Well, nothing. You see – Well, nothing. You see –

[ Bells Pealing ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Ceramic Shatters ]