The Parent Trap (1961) Script

If the love's on skids Treat your folks like kids Or your family tree's gonna snap!

So, to make 'em dig First you gotta rig What-do-ya gotta rig?

The Parent Trap


If they lose that zing And theyjust won't swing Then the problem falls in your lap When your folks are square Then you must prepare What-do-ya gotta prepare?

The Parent Trap


To set the bait Recreate the date The first time Cupid shot 'em Get 'em under the moon Play their favorite tune John! Marcia!

We got 'em!


Lead 'em back to love With the velvet glove As they're much too old for the strap Straighten up their mess with togetherness Togetherness! The Parent Trap

John, they're playing our song.

Marcia, what fools we've been.

Straighten up their mess With togetherness Togetherness Straighten up their mess With togetherness Togetherness!

The Parent Trap


Now, now, that pole. Now, now. A to Ks over here.

A to K's... No, dear, you're an R. Over there with the P to S's.

Thank you. That's a good girl.

Have we any X, Y, Z's here?

Now, here are your allergy pills.

Your grandmother said to remind you "one, three times a day".

And your insect repellent and your poetry book.

Thank you, Staimes. Have a good summer, Miss.

Name? McKendrick, Sharon.

Eighteen Belgrave Square, Boston? Yes.

And my grandmother said to see that my tent was properly ventilated.

Don't worry, McKendrick. You'll be ventilated.

Next girl.

No candy wrappers, no chewing gum wrappers lying on the ground, always tidy.

Latrines over there. Mess hall up the hill.

McKendrick, you're in Arapahoe. Follow me. Girls, wait here for me.

Come, McKendrick. New arrival, girls. Name's McKendrick.

Hi. Hello.

The girls here will brief you on anything you need to know.

Sure you'll be very happy here, hm.

See you after lunch.

My name is Betsy. This is Ursula. How do you do? I'm Sharon McKendrick.

Say, you're in a good tent.

Betsy's mother sends her all kinds of candy bars and chocolates every week.

I'm not allowed to eat candy. Why not?

My grandmother thinks it ruins my teeth.

Oh, hi, Mary...

Well, come on, let's go. I'm starved.

Oh, yeah, just found there are three places.

Oh, is there? Oh!

The nerve of her!

Coming here with your face. What are you gonna do about it?

Do? What in heaven's name can I do, silly?

I'd bite off her nose, then she wouldn't look like you!

Who's she?

I never saw her before in my life.

Now... at this time, I want to say welcome to all our new arrivals.

Welcome to Camp Inch, new arrivals.

I am your supreme commander here and my name is...

Miss Inch.

Uh, yes. Miss Inch.

I'd like, at this time, to introduce a visitor from the next hilltop over, From the Thunderhead Boys' Camp, Chief Eaglewood.

Welcome...

Thank you, Miss Inch, and hello there out there to all of you.

Uh, looks like a crackerjack troop of girls there. Hm?

Now, why am I here? Well, that's our little surprise.

Trooper Stafford, ten-shun! Stand up, boy.

What a dream!

Little surprise for you, young ladies.

Saturday night, we're going to have a dance.

Now, quiet, girls, quiet.

And we've asked the Thunderhead Boys' Camp to come over for the occasion.

Camp Thunderhead accepts your invitation and thanks you.

A word of warning. Watch your demerits.

Untidy little girls won't go to the dance.

So, keep those tents clean, your uniforms spanking fresh, and we'll all be one big happy family.

Oh, no.

What are you staring at?

Excuse me, but haven't you noticed? We look like each other.

Hey, wait a minute. Turn your head. Let me see that profile.

That's who it is. Look at that profile. She's the spitting image of you-know-who.

Who? Frankenstein.

Not wanted.


Those monsters! They gopher-trapped us!

Morning, Miss Inch. Morning, Miss Grunecker.

Where would you like to start? Well, why not start with tent Arapahoe?

I'm sure you'll find everything shipshape.

Oh!

Think about what we could share Let's get together every day Every way and every where And though we haven't got a lot We could be sharing all we've got Together Oh...

What if we got some ants and when she comes by the window, we dump them down her dress? Impractical.

Where you gonna find ants at night, stupid?

The three of them. I'm so mad I could just spit.

Together Yeah, yeah, yeah Two is twice as nice as one Let's get together, right away We'll be having twice the fun And you can always count on me...

Hey. I got an idea. Come on.

Let's get together, yeah, yeah, yeah

How do you like camp? Oh, it's OK, I guess.

I'm not coming back to this one though. They're so juvenile.

They won't let you wear lipstick or perfume.

I feel absolutely naked without my lipstick.

Oh.

Where are you from? Uh, Monterey, California.

That's great. Oh, you'd love California.

At least, I do.

It's so sort of, I don't know, marvelous, actually.

It sounds great. Mm-hm.

Oh, it's absolute fun living in California.

Every year when I get from camp, Dad takes me on a trek into the mountains.

Gee, that's great. Mm-hm.

Your mother just lets you go up in the mountains like that?

Oh, I don't have a mother. Just Dad and me. He's wonderful.

Besides, I know most everything about trails and camping and wood lore.

We have a ball. Just Daddy and me and Hecky.

Oh! It's hot out here. Who's Hecky?

Our ranch foreman. He tells sensational stories.

He used to be a rodeo rider, actually.

Oh, they've started the music again.

I guess we oughta, huh? Mm-hm. I love dancing.

I could just dance all night, especially with you, Wilfred.


Oh! Where were you?

Where could she have done it? Oh, I don't know. I wasn't anywhere.

I just went out...

Serves you right. Stay out of our tent from now on.

You vicious little wretch!

Stop it! Sharon, let go!

Stop that! Ladies, please...

Stop it! Girls! Stop!

Stop, stop, please, let's just stop...

Hey!

I've got a cake in my hands! Now stop it.

You little wretches!

Congratulations.

In the history of our camp, that was the most infamous, the most revolting, the most disgusting display of hooliganism we have ever had.

Brawling like hooligans in front of our guests.

And worst of all, two sisters who should be setting a good example.

We're not sisters. I've never seen her before in my life.

They are, aren't they? No, ma'am. Just lookalikes.

An amazing resemblance.

I gather that you two girls don't get along together.

Hm. Well, have you ever heard of Gilbert and Sullivan?

Yes, ma'am.

They were composers.

They wrote a memorable song called "Let the Punishment Fit the Crime".

Let the punishment fit the crime.

Sharon McKendrick, we are waiting.

All right, girls, follow me.


Now, girls, that's enough of this nonsense. Go back to your activities.

All right, young ladies.

In here...

Yes...

Yes...

Four weeks left at camp and you'll spend them all together.

Room together, eat together, play together.

Either you'll find a way to live with each other, or you'll punish yourselves far better than I ever could. Goodbye, girls.


It drives her crazy. I completely ignore her.

Give it to her good! The old Coventry treatment.

Pretty soon the silence will drive her absolutely out of her mind.


Oh, my gosh! Oh, my goodness! Hurry! Quick!

I've got it! Hook it. Turn it down over there. Tight.

Thanks. You're welcome.

Oh, gosh! Look at this mess!

Are any of them spoiled? Well, it didn't do them any good.

Oh, dirty darn! Look at this one. Just ruined.

Oh, that's a shame. Who is he?

Are you kidding? Ricky Nelson.

Oh. Your boyfriend?

I wish he was! You mean you never heard of him?

Where do you come from? Outer space?

No. I'm from Boston.

Oh. Boston.

Where's your home? California.

Oh, I've seen movies of California. Is it a nice place to live?

Sensational. We got a ranch out in Carmel.

I got a picture. You wanna see it?

There. That's the house. Then the stables go off down there.

How lovely. Oh, I got my own horse and everything.

We've got a lake.

You know, you can practically fall right out of the front door. and go swimming anytime you want.

Who is this? That's my dad. Isn't he dreamy?

He's very handsome.

Is it cold in here? I'm hot.

Want a Fig Newton?

What's your pop like?

I mean, is he a friend you could talk to or one of those busy types?

Well, I don't have a father, actually.

Mummy and Daddy separated years ago. She never mentions him now.

You know, it's scary the way nobody stays together anymore these days.

Pretty soon there's gonna be more divorces than marriages.

Isn't it the truth?

How old are you? 13.

So am I. I can't wait till I'm 18.

I'll get my own car and stay out dancing till midnight.

I'll be 14 November 12. No kidding? That's my birthday, too.

Isn't that peculiar?

November 12? Mm-hm.

Funny, isn't it? Uh-oh.

This one's full.

Hey, what do you know, it's stopped raining.


What is your mother like? I can't remember her.

Did she die? Nope.

Busted up with Dad when I was young. But she was fabulous.

Absolutely fabulous. How do you know?

There used to be a picture of her at Daddy's desk.

But he once caught me looking at it and it's never been around since.

Hey, do you want to come to the commissary and get a popsicle with me?

Can you only think about your stomach at a time like this?

At a time like what?

Don't you feel it? Don't you know what's happening?

Don't you find it peculiar that we both look so much alike and have the same birthday?

It's just one of those things, isn't it?

Will you come inside a minute, please?

Mother always says I'm psychic.

You know, that I can sense things when something odd is going to happen.

I always get goose bumps. Look.

So what?

I don't understand.

What are you doing with her picture?

It's my mother.

But it's my mother, too.

Uh... Lunch.

You go. I'm not hungry.

Why are you a chicken about...


I didn't know what to say. I know. I didn't either.

Golly! Sisters!

You know what probably happened?

They must have quarreled and parted, and just sort of bisected us, each taking one of us.

Why do you suppose they separated? I don't know.

I can't imagine anyone not loving Mother. She's absolutely divine.

Well, what about Dad? He's a sensational person.

I mean, as a friend and all.

The thing is that neither of them got married again.

You see what that means? Not really.

Secretly, in their innermost hearts, they must still be in love with each other.

Then why have they stayed separated all of these years?

'Cause that's how true love creates its beautiful agony.

All splendid lovers have just dreadful times.

Uh, Pelleas and Melisande, Daphnis and Chloe.

History's just jammed with stories of lovers parted by some silly thing.

Uh-oh. Oh...

Oh...

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, boy! Oh, my gosh! Oh!

What's the matter?

You want to meet Father and I'm just dying to know Mother.

Well, what if...

Oh, my gosh, this is simply so scary, that we might be able to pull it off.

Pull what off?

Switch places. Switch?

We could do it. We're twins, aren't we? Oh, I want to know Mother.

Look! Now I'm getting goose bumps.

Me too... You know something?

There's more to it than just switching places I believe fate brought us together. How so?

If we switched, sooner or later they'd have to unswitch us.

And Mother would bring me to California to unmix us.

And they'd have to meet again. Face to face.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Exactly.

Let's get to work.


Hm? It's amazing.

Now, I think you should wear this one when you go to meet Dad.

Oh! This is gorgeous!

I'm going to wear this one when I go to Boston. Oh, I adore it!

Now, Susan, will you pay attention?

Now, the music room and library are on the first floor.

Now, your room is the second door on the second floor on the left.

All right? Now, the horse's name is Schotzli and the dog is Andromeda.

Verbena collects the dirty laundry every Monday...

Sharon, will you pay attention?

Now, except for the dirty socks. Those are Thursday.

And... Oh, yeah. My favorite food is chili beans.

Oh, and you gotta chew gum 'cause I always chew gum.

Um, flat A's. You must summon up all your A's as flat.

Uh, talk fast, you know, 'cause, see, everybody talks fast. Um...

But I never bite my nails!

Sharon, you gotta. I always chew mine. Anyhow, Dad'll know.

Go on, bite 'em!

Can't. Shan't. Aunt. Hm?

No, no. Can't. Shan't. Aunt.

Can't. Shan't. Aunt.

Oh, I can't wait till camp is over.

Can't wait. OK. I can't wait.

But, Daddy, that's... You're not going to take it home, and that's it! Oh, honey...

She's not gonna take it home. Daddy, you big meanie!

What difference does it make? Well, she's not taking it home.

It took so much time to get him. Oh, baby.

It's got to be done methodically.

Remember the key. Recollection and memory.

Get her talking about how she and Daddy first met.

And their first date. Find out about that first date.

Sharon! That's you now.

Oh, yes, coming. Now look. The most important thing.

You must bring Mother to California. Boston is no place to rekindle a romance.

Sharon McKendrick!

Goodbye, girls. Sharon McKendrick! Your chauffeur's waiting for you, dear.

Now hurry. Oh, Sharon...

The punishment was harsh, I know, putting you two girls together but you've survived it and I hope you've both learned something from the experience. Oh, boy. You'd be surprised, Miss Inch.

Oh, yes. Well, goodbye, Sharon. See you next summer.

Goodbye, Miss Inch.

Oh, I can't tell you how very much I've enjoyed my stay.

I shan't tell my aunt about the aunts... ants, nor the debutantes, shall I? Bye.

What did you do to your hair? Oh, I cut it. It was too hot long.

You wait till your grandmother sees what you've done.

Bye.

Miss Lockness, Bettina. Upstairs. Third door to the left.

Ugh... What's her name? Miss...

Well, here goes nothin'.

What?

...with the white wine, the massou and with the meat...

Do we have any more of the Louis St. George?

I think we'd better have cloakroom tickets for the ladies' wraps as well.

Oh, Rosa, I want all the gilt chairs in the music room.

And do see that they're well-dusted.

Miss McKendrick, you asked me to remind you. Clinking.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, and do see that the maids keep absolutely quiet during the music.

And if they must empty the ashtrays, tell them to do it without clinking.

I'll see to it. I want both the Steinways at the north end of the music room. Have you checked about delivery?

Oh, I'll see about it right now. I'll tell you what...

Well, you're home from camp, are you? Hello, Miss Lockness.

Did you bring home all your underwear and personal things?

Yes, it's in my luggage. Staimes has it. Probably full of germs.

What have you done to your hair? Do you like it?

Wait till your grandmother sees what you've done.

Who's that I hear out there? Is that my little girl?

That tall, gangly thing? Hi, Grandfather.

Hello, sweetheart. Oh, my, my, my.

Oh, well, well, well. Let me look at you. Have you had...

What's the matter, dear? I'm just happy to see you.

Oh, and I'm happy to see you too.

I tell you, your grandpa missed you around here, you know.

It was an awful... Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait. What are you doing?

Making a memory. Making a memory?

Mm-hm, all my life, years from now, when I'm quite grown up, I'll remember my grandfather and how he always smelt of...

tobacco and peppermint. "Smelled of tobacco and peppermint!"

Well, I tell you what. I use the peppermint for my indigestion.

And the tobacco to make your grandmother mad.

Sharon!

Sharon!

Welcome home, darling.

Mother! Darling. It's so good to have you home.

Let me take a look at you...

What on earth have you done to your hair?

Cut it. Well, that's certainly obvious.

I thought there was something different.

Well, what's done is done. At least it'll grow again.

What's the matter, Sharon? Are those tears I see?

I can't help it, Mother.

If only you knew. Knew what?

Why, Sharon! When did you get back?

She just arrived. Doesn't she look wonderful?

Yes... My dear child, what have you done to your hair?

She cut it. Well, I had to because, when it...

If my opinion means anything in this house, which I doubt, I like it short, the way it is.

Charles, stop burbling. I haven't burbled in years.

Go down to your office and read your newspaper.

See you at dinner. Bye.

Oh, now really, Mother. It doesn't look so bad.

It's hoydenish. Are you a boy or a girl? Make up your mind. What's that?

Oh, it's a present I brought for you. We made it... I mean, I made it especially for you. Thank you, dear. What is it?

It's a birdcage made out of popsicle sticks.

Oh, come on upstairs with me while I finish getting dressed.

See you later.

Did you make some nice friends at camp?

Oh, yes. One girl in particular.

Who is she? Oh, just a girl.

From Boston? No. Just a girl from someplace.

My goodness, you're beautiful.

What's the matter?

You're staring at me as if you've never seen me before.

Oh, I don't know. I'm just happy you're here.

And that you're you.

Well, I'm happy that you're here and you're you.

Now be a good girl. Fasten me up.

Did you miss me? Mm-hm. Did you miss me?

You'll never know.

Margaret, don't forget the Red Cross meeting at 2:30.

I'll see you at the Somerset Club after my garden club meeting.

Oh, stand up, child. Don't slouch.

I hope you haven't picked up bad habits at that camp of yours.

Keep your shoulders straight.

See you at the Somerset, Margaret. Yes, Mother.

What's the frown for?

I've just got back and you've got all those meetings and things.

Well, I thought we could spend the day together and talk.

Oh, we have the whole weekend to talk, and you know very well that I cannot cancel the Red Cross.

Well, what I have to say can wait.

Yes, dear? I just wanted to have a little woman-to-woman talk with you about Stafford.

Stafford? Who's Stafford?

Oh, this boy I met at camp. I just wanted your advice on something.

Yes? On what?

Well, uh, I wanted you to tell me how long you waited before you got married.

Sharon?

Oh, Lockness? Yes, Miss Margaret.

Please tell my mother that I won't be able to meet her and cancel all of my appointments for today.

Cancel them? Yes. Something important has come up.

Yes, Miss Margaret.

Sharon, what I'm trying to say is that the decision to marry is something best considered after you've lived a bit longer.

Mother, you're perfectly right. Stafford was much too juvenile for me.

Well, thank goodness for that.

To be perfectly frank with you, the old zing just wasn't there.

Zing? Yes. You know...

The charge that shoots up your spine when you meet the one man you want to marry. Like when you met Daddy.

What was Daddy like?

Well, I don't know how we got around to him.

Is it terribly painful for you to talk about Daddy?

No. Why should it be?

I don't know.

Well, I thought maybe when you've been in love with somebody once... well, the recollection and memory might be bitterly painful.

Oh, Sharon, that was many, many years ago. Don't dramatize it.

Where did he take you on your very first date?

He... he took me to dinner.

It was an Italian restaurant, one of those down in those old basements in New York.

It was called Martinelli's. Martinelli's?

Yes. Hm.

You said there was music. What song did they play?

Song? Oh, there must have been a song.

You know, the old "they're playing our song" type of thing.

Oh, well, if there was, I wouldn't remember it.

It was much too long ago. Oh.

La dee dum bah dee La dee dum bah dee La dee La dee dum La dah Though time may tatter Our first sweet thrill It doesn't matter It never will

La dee dum lah dee La dee dum la dum La dee la dee dum La dah


Susie!

Hi, Peanut. Hi, Dad.

Well, how was the camp? Fine.

No broken bones or anything? No?

Come on, let's get the bags.

Here's my baggage check. Oh, boy. Are you still biting your nails?

Oh, you noticed. She told me that you...

What? Nothing.

Well, I certainly did enjoy all those nice, long newsy letters. Yes, sir.

Oh, that. Well, we meant to write, but we just got so tied up with plans and things, you know, that, well, we...

Who's we? Uh, uh...

Us. I mean, I... Oh, us, yes! There was a very nice girl there.

We became quite good friends.

Oh, that's mine. That's mine. There.

Glad to be home, huh? It's wonderful.

Were you lonely while I was gone?

Well, I cried myself to sleep every night about the first week...

No, no. Seriously.

Well, seriously, I got to play golf every day, I played poker at night, and I wish I could find one of these camps where they keep you all winter, too.

Ho, ho. Ho, ho.

It's good to have you home, goofy.

Ah, Susie, there's been a lot of things happening since you left and I think we ought to have a little quiet talk sometime.

Oh, sure, I have some things I want to talk over with you, too.

Oh, you have, huh? Mm-hm.

But not now. OK.

Now I just want to think about getting home and being with my father.

My very own father. Own "fatha"?

Father. Father.

Oh, Daddy, it's beautiful!

Well, it's just about the same.

You didn't think it was gonna change, did you?

Hecky! Ho!

Look!

Oh, Sue-Sue! What have you got there with you, Mitch?

Hi, Hecky. Hiya, darlin'.

What'd you have to bring this kid back for? I thought we'd got rid of her.

Oh, she was hanging around the airport.

I thought I might as well get her out of there.

Uh-huh. How was camp? Oh, swell.

For heaven's sake, it's about time. We've been waiting for you all day!

Hi, Verbena.

Never mind that "hi." You just give me a hug.

Hello, honey. Let me get a look at you.

You know, there... there's a change in you.

Just the same as I always was. No. No, you're not.

I'm not quite sure what it is.

Hi, Andromeda.

Stop that, Andromeda. What's wrong with you?

You crazy dog. It's Susan, you silly.

Oh, it's almost as if your own dog didn't know you.

Funny, isn't it? Dogs are funny things.

Well, I guess I'll go up to my room and put...


Come on, we'll get you unpacked while you tell me about camp.

Coming.

I want you to tell me about all the things you did at that camp.

I want that laundry of yours too.

Come down when you get through, honey. There's somebody I want you to meet.

Yeah, all right then. We'll be down in a minute.

Hello, darling. Oh, Mitch. I was wondering when you'd get back.

I was beginning to get so bored sitting here.

Well? Did you tell her anything about us?

Good to be home again? Sure is.

Verbena, there's a woman downstairs.

Mm-hm. There is indeed.

Well, who is she? What is she doing here?

I'm not saying a word. I mind my own business.

Except if he wants to make a ninny of himself, that's his affair.

I don't say a word.

Well, how did she get here? It's none of my never-mind.

I don't say a word.

Except a man like your father with a grown daughter going on 14...

He's not what you'd call one of those charm fellows with the big teethy grin and a lot of artistic clever talk, so what does a young girl like her see in him?

I don't know.

I'll give you a million reasons and he's got 'em right in the bank.

Oh, it was always thus. What was always thus?

I'm not saying a word.

I'm not one to talk about anybody behind their back.

But she's good. She's awful good.

Those cool blue eyes looking right through you. Calm, that one.

Go riding together, swimming together, out to dinner every night.

But it's none of my business, understand, so that's why I'm not saying a word.

Not one single word.

Besides, I don't think you oughta talk about people...

Hi, Susie. We were just talking about you.

Uh, this is Miss Robinson. How do you do?

Hello, darling, I've been looking forward to meeting you for just weeks now.

From the way your father talked I expected a little girl. You're practically a woman.

I'm nearly 14. I think I'll make a couple of Martinis.

You want one? I'd love one.

How about you, honey? You want root beer, ginger ale or something? Can I have a ginger ale?

Sure. You go on and get acquainted. I'll be just a minute.

Your father tells me you were away at camp, dear. Was it fun?

Yes, it was lovely, thank you.

You know, ever since I met your father, it's been Susan this and Susan that.

You're obviously very good friends, and I think that's just wonderful.

I can tell you something else too if you can keep a secret?

From whom? From your father.

Oh. Then you'd better not tell me.

Daddy and I don't keep secrets from one another.

We tell each other everything.

Oh, well, no, dear. It wasn't that kind of a secret.

I just wanted to confide in you that I find him a very special, wonderful kind of person.

Well, just between us, he's not too brilliant or clever with what he says.

You know, like the charm fellows we all adore so.

We were riding the other day. Your father let me ride Schotzli.

I understand she's your horse. I hope you don't mind my riding her.

Oh, no, Schotzli and I are used to strange women riding her.

What?

You know Daddy. He's always playing the field.

No, I didn't know. Oh, yes.

Every week, mostly, he has some different dame up here.

One week, I'll never forget, he had five different women up here.

You don't say. Course, it's none of my business if he wants to make a ninny of himself with all those women.

That's why I'm not saying a word. Not one single word.

Here you are. Now, did you two get to know each other?

Yes.

We had a lovely little talk.


Hello? Miss Susan Evers?

Yes, this is her. Go ahead, please.

Sue? It's Sharon. How's everything? Oh, Mother's the absolute living end!

She's gorgeous, just breathtaking.

I got her talking about their first date today. Italian dinner, drippy candles, - checkered table cloths and... Susan, will you listen!

Oh, I got their song. It goes like this.

For now, for always...

Susan, I've got something to tell you.

- Susan! What?

We're in trouble, you'll have to bring Mother out here immediately.

No! Holy smokes. I just had one day with her.

I hardly got to know her at all!

Susan, it's an emergency. There's a woman out here.

- Huh? Her name's Vicky and she's beautiful.

Oh, is that all? Don't be silly. Dad'd never get serious.

But he's serious about this one.

He's trying to get Vicky and me to be friends. She dangerous.

Well, bust it up, for heaven's sakes.

Follow him wherever he goes and submarine her.

You've got to tell Mother and come out here to help.

I want some more time with her.

You've had her for 13 years and I just got here... I won't! Susan!

Do the best you can for a couple of days and stay on Daddy's tail.

That's all. Susan, please!

I won't give up Mother this soon and that's final. Goodbye.

Susan!

I'm glad you've come along today, honey, 'cause there's something I wanted to talk to you about. It's kind of important.

Well, what is it? You know the girl you met at the house?

Vicky? Mm-hm?

Well, I thought that we ought to be alone a little while so we could talk.

Well, I wanted to talk to you about something, too, Dad.

Oh? OK. Go ahead.

All those weeks at camp, I've been wondering about my mother.

What?

What do you want to start wondering about something like that for?

Why, it's a perfectly natural thing for a girl to do. Where is she?

I don't know where she is. How should I know?

Last thing I heard she went to Spain and married some drunk.

Daddy, that's not true. Now, stop it.

All right, I lost track of her. You wouldn't like her anyway, honey.

She had these big staring eyes, red frizzy hair and, besides she was fat, really fat.

Then why did you fall in love with her?

Well, you know, you lose your head sometimes. Besides, I...

Wait just a minute.

Hey, Fletcher? Play on through. I'll pick you up at the bar.

Well, sit down.

Now, honey, you don't want to start thinking about your mother all of a sudden. There's...

Well, there's no need for that.

You can always come and talk to me about anything. You always have.

Well, it's not the same.

Well, father and daughter is OK, but when a girl gets to a certain age, that's when she really misses a mother.

Why? I mean...

You mean to talk about certain things? Yeah.

That?

I guess we never have just sat down and talked about that, have we?

Well, this is kind of an odd place, but I guess it's as good as any.

Um, well, we might as well get it over with.

How much do you know now already? About what?

About what you were just talking about. Oh, nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Nothing?

Well, you never brought up the subject and I wondered why.

Well, honey... All right.

We oughta get straight on one thing first. That's little boys.

I know how they are because, being a man, I used to be a little boy once, so I know.

I don't know what... Take my word for it because I used to be a little boy at one time, and I know.

I know about it. Daddy, you're too funny for words.

What do you mean "funny"?

Well, I've known about all that for simply years.

Well, what the heck were you just talking about then?

Well, what were you talking about? Well...

I'd better go and putt out.

There's the little beast now.

Why, she's nothing but a child.

She's a conniving, vicious little two-faced brat.

Just smile, pet.

Think of California and that wonderful community property law, and just smile.

Hi. Hello, Mitch, darling.

Hi, Edna. Who is this ecstatic, bright-eyed child?

Oh, Mitch, this couldn't be... Sure. That's Susie.

Honey, this is Vicky's mother, Mrs. Robinson.

How do you do? This angelic girl?

This is the one you call Peanut Face? Oh, Daddy, really!

Now you come right over here to your Auntie Edna and you and I are gonna get to know one another.

Come on, I want to hear all about you. Down you go.

Hi. Did you tell her?

Well, I started to, then I don't know what happened.

Oh, Mitch. For...

All right, just let me do it in my own way. All right?

Now, it's all settled.

Susan and I have decided we're all gonna have a jolly lunch right here.

Oh, Edna, I'm sorry, I don't think we can today.

See, I promised to spend the whole day with Susie and we've got some stuff planned, you know?

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Oh, that's all right. Another time, dear.

You're an adorable thing.

Come on, Susie, we'll get the horses. We're gonna take a ride down the beach.

Have fun. Bye, darling.

First change I make in that household, off she goes to a boarding school in Switzerland.


Honey, listen, I've been meaning to ask you. What do you think of Vicky?

Uh, in what respect?

Well... it's just an ordinary question.

No, it's not. You asked me what I think of Vicky.

Well, what do I think of Vicky as what?

I mean, if you asked me what do I think of her as a fashion model or a famous aviatrix or something then maybe I can express some sort of opinion, but just to ask...

All right. What do you think of Vicky as a person?

Well, Daddy, I really couldn't say.

She's a perfect stranger to me.

Race you back to the house! Wait a minute, Susie. Susie!

Hey! I'm not through talking to you!

Hi, darling.

Hi. Hello, sweetie.

He can't. He just can't.

Oh, it makes me so mad.

A man of his age.

All our work and our plans.

Hi.

You used to confide in me.

Anything you want to talk over with me?

No.

You wouldn't like to tell me why Andromeda never comes near you?

Or why suddenly your appetite's changed?

Dear Verbena, you are a mystic.

Mystic? I'm no mystic.

Well, asking me all these crazy questions.

Gee, I don't know what you're getting at.

You know what I'm talking about.

There's something very strange about you.

Are you sure there isn't anything you want to tell me?

What do you want me to tell you?

I don't know. It's almost as if you were...

Oh, that's impossible. Almost as if I were who, Verbena?

Oh, forget it, honey. Never mind.

You mean Sharon?

Where did you hear about her?

Oh, Verbena.

I've got to tell someone, but you've got to swear never to tell Daddy.

Promise?

Now, darling, try to be diplomatic... Honey, I know how to talk to my own daughter. ...Handle her calmly.

She's 14 years old. She's not exactly insensitive.

Good luck...

Susan?

Oh, hi, Dad. Just getting back?

Uh-huh. Just a minute. I want to talk to you.

Didn't know what a good thing you had when you had it.

Susie!

Well, why did you go running off like that? I told you I want to talk to you about something. I'm listening.

Get comfortable. I am comfortable.

What do you want?

Well, first of all, honey, about me. Now...

Well, you probably think of me as being just your father and to you I probably seem ancient and old...

Not ancient, Daddy. Well, certainly not.

I'm in my best years.

OK.

Don't get nervous. Well, I'm not nervous.

Now see, what seems old to you now isn't really old when you get old...

I mean, when you get older.

That is when you get to be my age it won't seem old to you at all and you'll probably...

Where did you learn how to play the piano?

Oh.

They taught us at camp. Gee. That's awfully good in five weeks.

Could you stop now for just a minute, please?

Yeah, sure. Pay attention.

See, I've been wanting to have this little talk with you about...

What would you think about our making Vicky, part of our family?

Part of our family? Uh-huh.

Um...

Oh, I think that's a wonderful idea. You do?

Well, I most certainly do. I've always wanted to have a sister.

No, no, honey. See, you're missing the whole point.

And how sweet of you to want to adopt Vicky.

No, baby. I don't want to adopt her.

I want to marry her.

Marry her? Oh, Dad!

You've just got to be kidding!

You can't marry her. She's just a child.

She's not a child, she's a woman!

Will you please stop referring to her as a child?

It's all relative, Dad. Don't you see?

Compared to her, you're an old man. I am not an old man!

You are too! It's absolutely revolting! Revolting!

It's the most revolting thing I ever heard of!

I'm not at your age... I'm not even gonna discuss it with you if you don't stop shouting. But Dad, you just said...

Just stop it.

All right. I'm not screaming.

I will talk about this perfectly calmly and rationally.

You can't get married! You'll ruin everything!

All the plans we've made! The work and the...

What are you talking about? ...and the diagrams.

And my hair! Look at my hair! I cut it just for you.

And my fingernails, I've bitten them all off just because of you!

Of all the pig-headed fathers!

All those days and weeks and weeks, nothing but work... and...

And voice and names and hair... Oh!

I dunno what's the matter with her. I tried to talk to her.

And she gets hysterical. She's not even making any sense now.

Let me speak to her for a minute, darling. Women understand these things better.

Make yourself scarce.

Hello, darling.

He's making an absolute ninny of himself.

Oh, it came as quite a shock to you the way he told you, didn't it?

Men put things so badly.

Can't you and I discuss this calmly and rationally together like like grown-up women?

Oh, I'm sure we can.

You're not afraid to come over here and talk to me, are you?

I'm not afraid to talk to anybody.

You're a big girl now, Susan.

You're old enough to understand that wonderful, delicate mystery that happens sometimes between a man and woman.

I know what wonderful, delicate mystery Daddy sees in you... and I can't say I blame him there either. You're very nicely put together.

Your father underestimates you, I think.

I'm sure you won't, will you, Vicky?

Susan, dear, you've had him to yourself all this time and I can understand that suddenly to have another woman around, well, it's a tremendous intrusion.

But all my life it seemed, I've hoped and waited for someone like him, someone gentle and mature, rough-edged, but quick to laugh, someone understanding and wise.

All the things that I've come to love and cherish in him.

Well, that's very refreshing. Why, dear?

Most girls just run after Daddy because he's so wealthy.

Are you inferring that I'd marry your father for his money?

If the shoe fits, wear it.

Look, pet.

I've tried to be friendly, but I'm going to marry your father, so, you get used to the idea.

You wanna bet?

Oh, honey, don't you play with the big girls.

You'll be in way over your head.

Operator.

Get me Western Union, please.

For Sharon? A child of her age getting a telegram?

Well, don't stand there, daughter. Let her read it. It belongs to her.

But who would possibly be sending her a telegram?


Sharon?

"Alexander Graham. 3 a.m."

California.

Who could she possibly know in California?

Uh, Bertha Waterbury. This girl I met at camp. Sensational girl.

It's a rather cryptic message. What does it mean?

Well, she's crazy about this boy, Alexander.

And he took her on a very important date till 3 a.m.

I've never heard of such a thing. A child of that age!

Now, Mother, please don't make an issue. We're living in the modern age.

Hello?

- Miss Susan Evers? Yes, speaking.

- Go ahead, please. It's me again.

I know, boy, did I have a time explaining your telegram, cuckoo pig.

Grandmother went into a five-minute lecture on raising children.

What's wrong now? Look I told you what you ought to do.

You've got to believe me, it's an emergency.

I'm in just horrible trouble out here. Now, don't dramatize it.

I'm not, stupid. This time it's serious.

It's the worst thing that could happen.

You mean it's gone that far?

And at a time like this I think Mother ought to be here.

OK. Tomorrow morning I'll break the bomb. See you soon.

How's Mother? Fine.

Kiss her for me, and Grandpa. OK. Bye.

Oh!

Hi, Grandpa. Hi, Susan.

Susan? Yes.

Sit down. Sit down.

I think you and I ought to have a little chat, don't you?

Oh, we've got the Picasso exhibition at four o'clock, Margaret.

We don't want to miss that. I know.

Are you coming, Charles? No, thank you.

Then we should get out in time for Mrs. Saunders' tea.

Oh, Caroline's daughter's coming. Oh, really?

Oh, now, Sharon, you've got your dancing lesson at 10:30.

Then you can go straight on to the musical appreciation at the Leonardo Hall.

Oh, Staimes could drive her in your car, Charles?

Yes. Yes. That'd be...

Do it now. Now, at three o'clock...

I don't think I'll be able to do any of those today.

What did you say?

Sharon. You interrupted your grandmother.

Well, I have something important to tell you.

Mother, Mother, I think what you and Daddy did to us children is lousy!

In fact, I think it stinks! Sharon!

And let's get this straight. I'm not Sharon, I'm Susan.

Sharon, your Sharon, is out in California with Daddy.

But it's impossible. You can't be Susan.

But I am Susan! Sharon and I met at camp.

So we decided to switch places.

She bit off her fingernails and I cut her hair, and now she's out in California with Dad, swimming and riding my horse, and having a keen time, and I'm stuck here with these lousy music lessons, and I hate them!

Susan.

I'm sorry, Mother.

But I wanted to see you, and I miss not having a mother.

I love you very much and I wondered... if you could love me as me and not as Sharon, please?

Oh, Susan.

Oh, my darling. Why didn't you let me know?

Why didn't you tell me? I couldn't help it.

I wanted to be near you and to know what it was like to have a mother and everything.

Oh, my baby.

Susan, darling! Oh, dear. Let me look at you.

She's exactly like Sharon. I know. I can't believe it.

Oh, baby, all these years... Louise?

What is it? Isn't it wonderful?

Oh, darling. You know we talked about this Louise. ...at camp and we decided it'd be the best thing. What is it, Charles?

It's most important.

Well? What is it?

I just thought they ought to be alone for a minute, that's all.

Is that all? She's Margaret's child.

She hasn't seen her since she was one year old.

But I'm her grandmother! I have a right to...

Louise, for once I'm putting my foot down.

Let them alone.

I've tried, Mother, honestly I have, but I just don't understand.

Darling, it doesn't mean your father and I didn't love each other, but sometimes even when people think a lot about each other, they sometimes just don't get on together.

So you're gonna have to switch us back again, huh?

Well, legally, you belong to your father and Sharon belongs to me.

His and hers. Makes me feel like a bathroom towel.

It's lousy, isn't it?

But don't worry. We'll find a way.

Six months split. That's how it's going to end up.

What?

Oh, a lot of kids in camp have that problem too.

Six months with one parent, six months with the other like a yo-yo.

I don't like it any more than you do, darling.

But don't worry, I'm not going to lose you now.

Bettina, would you put this in your case? Yes, ma'am.

May I come in? Of course, Dad.

I have you and Susan on the noon plane. That doesn't give us very much time.

Well, best I can do on short notice. Well, thank you.

Traffic's pretty heavy these days.

Are you, uh... are you wearing that dress on the trip, are you?

What's wrong with it? Oh, it's very nice. Very nice.

Give my best to Mitch when you see him, will you.

I wonder what kind of a wife he has now. Who said he's married?

Well, a vital, romantic fellow like Mitch, it's a cinch he'd find a nice young wife.

Well, I certainly hope that she likes to sleep in the great outdoors and scale fish. Now, no sour grapes now.

Oh, Bettina, would you see if you can find my blue skirt?

Yes, ma'am.

You know, Margaret, I've got to hand it to you for one thing.

I've got to give you credit.

It certainly shows strength of character not to go with the new fashion trends in clothes.

All right, Dad. Now, what are you trying to get at?

No, no. I'm just... You know, I'm just saying that...

You take your hairstyle, for instance... What's wrong with my hair?

That's what I mean.

Women nowadays, they're wearing their hair a little differently.

That's all. You know, a little fuller, maybe.

All right, Dad. Are you looking for a fight?

With my favorite daughter? Not on your life.

Now, don't get me wrong. My goodness.

Well, you know, you are what you are.

And I, God love you. I wouldn't wanna change you for the world.

Not for the world. Who said anything about changing?

That's what I say. Stay the way you are.

Well, I certainly intend to.

A nice, reliable, settled, comfortable woman, who accepts the coming of age with grace and dignity.

Why, that's the most horrible thing that anybody could possibly say!

There you are, you see? You're flying off the handle.

And all I came in here for was to kiss you goodbye and wish you good luck.

Goodbye, daughter.

Goodbye.

Give my regards to Mitch, huh?

You know, come to think of it, that dress seems just perfect for you.

Hi, Mother. I'm all packed. What time do we go?

On the noon plane, and we haven't got very much time.

Have you got everything in that we wanted for Sharon?

Mm-hm. Um...

How would you like to stop over in New York for a few days?

Oh, yeah! Why?

I thought that we might do some shopping before we head west.

Hey, we got a nice little calf there, Mitch.

What's eating you?

You ever get that funny feeling like something's gonna happen?

Like a storm brewing?

No. Come on.

Verbena!

Verbena, we're here! Sharon!

Verbena, we're here!

Come on, Mother. Shall I help you with your...

Oh, darling! Verbena.

Mrs. Evers! You just look wonderful. Let me take your things.

I'll take them inside. Hello, darling! Verbena. How are you?

I'm fine, but, oh, we've missed you. How's Andromeda and Schotzli?

Thank you very much. Keep the change. Thank you.

Oh, I can't wait to get you inside and show you how lovely everything is here now.

Oh, it was just wonderful. All's well, fine.

Absolutely... Sharon! Mother! I'm so glad you came!

Oh, you look wonderful! What did you do to yourself?

Do you like it? Oh, I love it.

Oh, darling.

Oh...

Finally, both of you together at last.

What do you think of each other? Fine.

We love each other.

Hi, Sue. Hi.

Oh and just look at you. That short hair. I cut it, Mother.

You know, I like it! Oh and I love yours, Mother.

Where's your father? Oh, he's out somewhere on a horse.

Are we in time? Time?

Didn't you tell her?

Tell me what? Well...

Dad's getting married.

Well...

When is all this taking place? Saturday, supposedly.

She just sort of infiltrated, Mother, and before you knew it, Dad was hooked.

If you ask me, Mr. Evers is slipping into his second childhood.

Oh, your father is old enough to know what he's doing.

Shall we go upstairs and get unpacked?

I'm just dying to get into a hot shower after that long train trip.

You want a beer? Yeah. I'll be in in a minute.

You know I don't say a word, not a single word, but the things that Vicky woman has been up to...

Really? Oh, well...

Hi, Dad. Oh. Well, hi.

Look who's talking to me. Why shouldn't I talk to you?

Oh, come on, I can get married anytime I want to, you got that?

Yeah. Now, don't stand there and pretend you don't know what I'm talking about after you've been walking around the house like a mummy for two days.

Yes. You, me, two days. Nothing!

Oh. Remember?

Oh, yeah. You were...

I guess I have been acting sort of sulky lately.

Sulky? Ha. That's the understatement of the year.

Sulky? You haven't been sulky, you've been plain impossible.

You've been monstrous! Now, pouting is childish.

You're much too old for that and not speaking to someone because you're mad at them is just plain... It's...

Feminine. Yes. Feminine, and she's absolutely right and it's the worst part of being feminine too.

The doorbell's ringing.

Oh, listen now. That's the minister and Miss Robinson.

And you're to be polite to them, you understand?

Here. Here.

Come here.

Well, hello. Hello, Mitch darling.

Mitchell, I want you to meet Dr. Mosby.

Dr. Mosby, Mitchell Evers, the groom. How do you do, sir?

Oh, how beautiful! Isn't this lovely? So masculine.

Mitch, it needs a woman's touch. Sure.

There's that angelic creature again.

Hello, Susan. How are you today? Fine, thank you.

This is the Reverend Mosby, dear.

He's going to conduct the marriage ceremony.

How do you do? How do you do, my dear?

Listen, I've gotta go up and change.

Will you excuse me for just a minute, please?

Oh, certainly.

Say, how'd you like to be hostess for a few minutes, huh?

And be polite.

Hi, Dad. Hi, honey.

There are some people downstairs. Did you know?

Yeah, I know.


Your grandfather sends his love. Your grandmother does too, and she's fine.

She's downstairs. Do you wanna see her? Who, Vicky?

No, thanks. I've seen her. Well, I haven't.

Susie... Did you want something, Daddy?

No, honey. Never mind.

Mother, this is my wedding. You've had four.

Why didn't you mix some drinks, Vicky? Oh, I'm sorry.

We were waiting for you. Oh, that's silly.

Let's have a little something. Good. Oh, anything you have.

The usual, darling. Reverend, I don't suppose you indulge?

Oh, well, perhaps a little something by way of a nuptial toast.

Good.

Bourbon, double, on the rocks.

Yes, sir.

Vicky, I know this is your wedding, but think how an outdoor ceremony will look in the newspapers.

I'm inclined to agree with you, Mrs. Robinson.

You know, the Marco-Dennisons had their wedding under a striped awning tent.

Last month it was and the atmosphere was ideally apropos, there in God's natural setting under the trees. Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, Mitch! Upsidaisy, darling.

Edna, listen, I think your idea about having the wedding outside is wonderful.

Sure, I'd like to start from the house.

Vicky can come down the walk...

Now, Dr. Mosby and I could be right here. We could put lights out on the lake.

Mother, please. Nothing could be more...

We'll put the marquees over here.

Look at all those trees... ...under the trees over there...

It's all right, I've got him. Grab hold of him! Grab him!

Here, give me your hand, quick.

Mitch darling! Yes. I'm all right.

How did you fall in? Did you hurt yourself?

Yes, I'm all right!

I'll be back in just a minute. You don't need to shout.

I was hoping to get out of these clothes. Wait...


Mitch. Maggie.

How are you? Fine, thanks. How are you?

I'm fine. Gee, you look...

Look, I've got a flock of people out there!

Don't start yelling. Just let me explain.

...what you're doing here in... Keep quiet for one...

If you just keep quiet, I'll tell you! You turn up... What are you doing here?

If you'll just stop screaming at her, she'll explain, Dad.

Surprise.

That's what I was trying to tell you.

Both of them? Mm-hm.

The two of them together. I can't... Maggie, how did it happen?

We met at camp and then the whole thing just sort of came out.

They switched places on us. They what?

Sue came to Boston to be with me.

You mean this is Sharon? Uh-huh.

I had Sharon all this time? You're Sharon?

I wanted to know what you were like and Susan wanted to meet Mother.

You are Sharon.

You were only a tiny little baby... You're not mad, are you, Daddy?

No, no, sweetheart. I just can't believe it's you, that's all.

Oh, my gosh. The trouble I had burping you.

Oh, Daddy, really!

No, I mean it... I spent most of my nights walking the floor up and down with you.

Two o'clock feedings... And where was I?

Well, it was half and half.

Oh, you used up more diapers than nearly ten kids.

Daddy, diapers! Yes, diapers.

Look at you now. Look at her. Quite grown up.

And quite without a father. Aw, honey...

And I'm quite without a mother. Sh.

Now, girls, we'll discuss this later on. I want to talk to your father now.

Come on, Sharon. They want to be alone.

Daddy... Daddy, please don't marry that woman.

All right, Sharon. Run along now.

Will you look at that? I can't believe it.

You know, the last time I saw them together, they were that big and you had them in that thing and you were pushing them through the park.

Oh, what a time for you to show up! Just when I'm going to get married!

I didn't know, Mitch, honest. Sharon told me when I got here.

That girl is my fiancé. I know. I saw her.

All right. Let's have it.

I think she's adorable. Sure you do.

Except for what? I think she's a perfect dream.

Of course, her eyes are a little too close together, but if you don't mind that.

Maggie, don't try those old, worn-out tricks on me. They don't work anymore.

Now will you just go on upstairs and put on something decent?

I'm perfectly decent.

Oh, sure. Running around in my bathrobe!

That looks great but she's liable to come in here and see you in that thing.

It looks like we just... Like we what?

You just go on upstairs and put on some clothes, that's all!

Don't use that tone of voice with me. We're not married anymore, remember?

This is my house and you're not gonna go running around dressed up in that thing...

I'll do anything that I darn well please, and don't start ordering me around!

Maggie, I'm warning you for the last time. Go on upstairs and put on some clothes...

Don't try force on me. I lammed you once and I can do it...

Now stand back. Maggie.

Don't... don't start that, will you? Come on.

Mitch, take your hands off me. Let me alone. I'm warning you.

Oh... Oh... Ow!

Did you have to do that? Oh, Mitch. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.

Why do you have to get so physical?

I can't even talk to you about anything. You always wind up belting me with something. That's the most vicious thing I ever...

Oh, Mitch. It can't be that bad. It is too that bad. It hurts.

Let me see it. Come on, now, I have to see it.

Just leave it alone. You've done enough. Come on, help me. Open up. Let me see.

Look, don't... Ow! Just a little bit.

Oh, Mitch, stop acting like a big baby. I didn't get a good look at it. Come on.

I want a doctor to look at it. Oh, don't be ridiculous.

You're worse than the twins. Mr. Evers?

Mr. Evers, the ladies were wondering... Excuse me.

Oh. Reverend?

Wait just a minute, sir. There's nothing wrong here.

There's nothing wrong at all. It's not anything like you would think.

It's very easy to explain. You see, sir...

This is my wife.

Hello.

How do you do, madam? How do you do?

But what about... Oh, no. Ex-wife.

She came out here all of a sudden, very unexpectedly. to discuss some little mix-up that we had about the children, and while we were discussing it I merely suggested that she go upstairs and put on something decent because you...

What am I telling you all this for? It's none of your darn business.

Don't snap at him so. He didn't ask for an explanation.

You're the one who's babbling on as if there were something to hide.

Dr. Mosby isn't at all shocked at seeing me like this, are you?

Of course he's shocked. What do you expect?

He walks in here, you're running around in that get-up...

On the contrary, Mr. Evers, I'm not at all shocked.

I see nothing wrong with your wife's attire.

Ex-wife. She's very beautiful, in fact.

Oh.

You see, I knew I liked you.

Also, Mr. Evers, you'll find that I'm not without a sense of humor.

I find this situation fraught with humor.

Quite out of the everyday, as we say.

Could you excuse us for just a moment, Dr. Mosby?

Listen, Maggie, will you for once in your life try to be a little understanding, please? I've got to go outside there and explain why you're here. That's not going to be easy.

And I suppose they'll want to meet me. Well, I suppose that's natural.

Besides, I want to keep this thing honest and above board.

Very well, then. I'll just run upstairs and slip into something more comfortable. Ha-ha. Very funny.

Oh, Dr. Mosby, don't you run away now. I'll be here.

I'll be back in just a few minutes. I'll look forward to that.

A delightful woman, Mr. Evers. However did you let her slip away from you? She's simply delightful.

Why couldn't she have checked into a hotel?

I told you. I didn't invite her.

I knew something would go wrong. Nothing has gone wrong.

Nothing's gone wrong? She was home. She'd unpacked.

She's going to spend the night? Mitch, I won't have that!

Now, wait a minute. You're reading implications into...

Wouldn't you like to go out and look at the garden?

No, no, indeed. I'm enjoying this immensely.

You are? Very interesting situation.

Quite out of the everyday, you know.

Yes. It sure is.

Edna, listen, I guarantee you by tomorrow morning, she'll be...

Mitch, I will not have her spending the night in this house.

You get rid of her. Do you hear me? Vicky, will you try to be a little understanding? She is not that kind of a woman.

She's a woman, that's enough.

Edna, she's not what you think at all. In the first place, she's from Boston.

She's older, she's more mature. She's had two children.

She's really the, you know, motherly type.

Vicky, I swear to you on a stack of bibles, you've got nothing to...

Hello, everybody, sorry to keep you waiting. I'm Margaret McKendrick.

Hello, hello, hello. Oh, hello, again.

And this must be Vicky.

Oh, you are adorable.

I'd know you anywhere from Mitch's description.

I'm Mrs. Robinson. Whoops.

Sorry, Mitch. It could happen to anybody.

Vicky?

Oh, you are divine.

Oh, Mitch. She's simply breathtaking.

I was just thinking the same thing about you, dear.

At my age?

Oh, you are a sweet child.

Mitch described you somewhat differently.

He certainly did.

Excuse me.

Of course, you know what husbands think about ex-wives. like an old comfortable worn-out shoe cast in the closet.

Well, off with the old and on with the new, eh?

I must say, you are young.

Isn't that lucky for Mitch? Yes.

I was so thrilled when I heard that you were going to take the plunge with old Mitch. We really must celebrate this occasion.

Mitch, darling, be a good boy and run along and open up some champagne.

Now, tell me all about yourself.

We really must get to be very good friends.

No! I don't want you to get to be very good friends. That's not the idea.

We have to be running anyway. Perhaps you'd better...

All good things have to come to an end, you know.

Oh, dear, what a pity, just as we were getting to know each other.

So nice to have met you.

I know you won't be coming to the wedding, but you'll see it in the society columns if you look.

I never read them. Really? What a shame.

You miss so much.

Actually, I never go to funerals or weddings. I prefer elopements.

They're much more romantic.

What a shame you can't stay and have dinner with Mitch and me.

And the children.' Yes, Vicky and I have a million things to do, You know, fittings and odds and ends to buy.

Well, just charge it to good old Mitch. He's loaded.

Oh? I didn't really know. Oh, didn't you?

Well, goodbye, it was so nice to have met you.

Goodbye, Vicky, darling. You're just as cute as you can be.

Bye.

Delightful, charming woman.

It's amazing how he ever let her slip away from him.

You want me to lose my job? Your pa will fire me for sure.

Aw, go on, Hecky. Please.

We're leaving tomorrow and I've only got tonight. Please.

No, I won't be any part of a conspiracy like this.

He'll do it, or else he'll cook his own meals for the next month.

A gypsy?


Hey... What happened to dinner?

Oh, dinner's being served on the patio tonight.

Whose idea's that?

Oh, it's none of my never-mind. I don't say a word.

I know. You never say a word to anyone. People talk too much.

So, I just don't say anything. I mind my own business.

I've been doing that for years and that's the way I intend to keep on doing it.

Hey, Verbena! What the heck's all this?

Don't ask questions, Daddy. Go sit down. You want to ruin everything?

Ruin what? You gonna tell fortunes? Go and sit down. Dinner's ready to serve.


Well! What's all this?

I don't know. Don't ask me. I just got here. It's just my house.

Nobody ever tells me anything about what's going on.

And dinner on the patio. Was this your idea, Mitch?

No, it was not my idea. What are you looking at?

Oh, Mitch, that eye, it just looks dreadful.

Now, really, you must put something on it.

Don't you concern yourself. What did you do, step on a rake?

No, actually, a very well-bred, ladylike, Bostonian matron pinned it on me if you want the Associated Press release on it.

Anybody I know? Oh, Verbena.

So, it's special for tonight. I think you'll like it.

It smells delicious.

Now, what do you call that? Veal parmigian.

Veal?

I hate that kind of stuff. She knows that.

What do you think you're doing? Mitch, please.

I may go out and kill myself. I dunno...

Hecky. Come on, it's time!

Excuse me, Mitch. All right!

Mitch, please don't laugh at this. What's the matter with you?

Well, don't you see... Ladies and gentlemen, the management here has gotten together some entertainment for you.

Well, without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce, direct from Boston, playing Beethoven's "Fifth Symphony" on the piano, Miss Sharon McKendrick.


Hey, what's all this noise?

Would you kindly get off the stage? I'm in the middle of a concert.

A concert?

Honey, you're gonna put the paying customers to sleep with all this jazz.

You gotta get the new sound.

Come on now, let's compromise. You give a little, I'll give a little.

Come on, let's get together.

That's it!

Let's get together, Yeah, yeah, yeah Why don't you and I combine?

Let's get together, what do you say? We can have a swinging time We'd be a crazy team Why don't we make the scene?

Together Oh, oh, oh, oh Let's get together, yeah, yeah, yeah Think of all that we could share Let's get together every day Every way and everywhere And though we haven't got a lot We could be sharing all we've got Together Oh, I really think you're swell Uh-huh, we really ring the bell Oo-wee, and if you stick with me Nothing could be greater Say hey, alligator!

Let's get together, yeah, yeah, yeah Two is twice as nice as one Let's get together right away We'll be having twice the fun And you can always count on me A gruesome twosome we will be Let's get together, yeah, yeah, yeah!

That was wonderful, girls!

Great! Oh, girls. Marvelous!

Come on down and have dinner. Yeah, come on, we got spaghetti, all kinds of glop. Oh, no, it's all right, thank you.

We've already had dinner in the kitchen, haven't we?

Yes. You go ahead and enjoy yourselves. We're going to bed.

Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad.

Mm-hm. Good night, Mom. Have fun.

Good night, girls. Night, kids.

How about those two little monkeys?

Imagine them putting together a thing like that?

Oh, they've put much more than that together, Mitch.

What do you mean? Don't you understand?

The drippy candles, the violin music, the veal parmigiana.

Martinelli's. Don't you remember?

Our first date. They tried to recreate it.

Crazy, sweet kids.

What?

Nothing.

Well, what are we going to do about them?

Now that they've met we certainly can't keep them apart.

No, we sure can't do that, can we?

Well, I guess the only logical thing we can do is, try to share them.

I mean, you could take them both for six months, then I could have them for the rest of the year.

That way at least they'd be together.

I think that's the best way. Don't you? Yes, I guess it is.

"Six months' split". That's what Susan calls it.

Yeah...

That's about all we can do.

You know, Mitch, all of a sudden, I'm very depressed.

Oh, Maggie, it would have been worse if we'd stayed together. You know that.

All the fighting and squabbling. You with that Irish temper of yours.

You were just as difficult and hard to get along with.

Oh, sure. I know. I admit it. It was a mistake in the beginning.

Was it, Mitch? Well, it's pretty obvious, isn't it?

You know, you haven't changed much. The years have been good to you, Mitch.

Yeah.

Well, aren't you going to return the compliment?

Oh, yeah, you know, as a matter of fact, Maggie, you look... pretty good.

Oh, don't stumble over the words. You know, you don't have to say them!

No, really, I mean it. What did you do to yourself anyway?

Do to myself?

Sixteen plastic surgeons and a major reconstruction job on my face just so that I could be presentable! Oh, Maggie...

Well, who do you think I am, some troll who crawled out of the woods to come calling on you? Honey, all I wanted to...

Oh, I admit I'm not as young as that simpering baby-faced, platinum doll who's got her hooks in you. Don't get started on Vicky.

Oh, that's right, don't say anything about that dear, sweet, precious Vicky!

That plotz-faced child bride and her electric hips!

I'm sorry, Mitch. It always happens, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Well, it won't happen anymore.

I'm leaving in the morning with Sharon.

I really do mean this, Mitch.

I wish you the best of everything with Vicky.

Holy smokes! What a lousy mess they made of that.

All our plans... and Mother and I will be leaving tomorrow.

Well, don't give up. We've got all night to think of something.

Like what?

I don't know.

But something.

Sharon! Taxi's waiting. I'm coming.

Susan, aren't you coming down to say goodbye to me?

Be right there, Mother!

Sharon! Susan!

I'll send Susan back for Christmas.

I'll see that Sharon comes out here for Easter.

Well, I suppose that's the best way.

I suppose so.

What are you doing in those clothes?

Sharon, what is this?

Well, I'll tell you. We've thought it over.

And we've come to a decision.

Yep. We decided we were getting gypped. Yeah, gypped.

What? Now, what do you mean, "gypped"?

Well, we decided that we wanted to spend our camp-out together.

So whichever one of us is Sharon... And we won't tell.

Whichever one of us is Sharon, we're not going to Boston.

Now, don't get smart with me, girls.

Sharon, go right upstairs and put your suit on. Now, go on.

Are you sure she's Sharon? Of course, she is.

Aren't you?

Tough to tell, ain't it? Ain't it?

Isn't it! Now, stop all of this foolishness.

We're going to miss the plane. That's the whole idea.

Mitch, do something! Susan...

Yes, Daddy? Yes, Daddy?

That's not funny. That's not funny.

That's not funny. This one is Susan, the smart-alec here.

Are you sure?

Of course, I'm sure. I know my own daughter, don't I?

You're not really sure, are you, Daddy?

You know, I'm not. I think they're ready to listen.

Right. Here's the deal.

We leave for the camp-out immediately. All of us.

And when you bring us back on Friday, then we'll tell you who's Sharon and who's Susan.

That's the deal. Take it or leave it.

What am I supposed to do for three days while you're off on some crazy trip into the woods? Stay home and knit?

It's not my fault. Now, I can't tell them apart.

What do you want me to do?

Give them a good spanking and make them tell!

Oh, you don't spank 13-year-olds, especially for something like this.

Don't you understand? Is she coming along?

That's part of the deal. Don't ask... Mitch, I will not have it.

Good morning, Vicky.

I will not sit here while you're off prowling through the woods with her.

You're absolutely right. Maggie, will you keep out of this.

Oh, Mitch, you just can't go off and leave your fiancé alone for three whole days.

What on earth would people say?

Sure, all right, group activity leader, what do you suggest, huh?

I think you ought to come along with us. Maybe I just will.

It's the only decent thing to do. Sure...

Of course, we're gonna have to get you another outfit.

But I know where Mitch keeps his old shirts and we can find you some boots, and very quickly we'll have you all fixed up...

Are they all coming with us? Yup.

Hecky, here's some more stuff. All right, keep your shirt on, girl.

Hi, Dad. Hi.

Everything's almost packed. Why don't we get going?

You got enough?

Just fasten the belt a bit tighter. Yes.

Where does she think she's going? She's gonna come along, honey.

Are you kidding? Nope.

And besides it's waterproof. Peachy, yeah.

Wonderful. Oh, here we are, Mitch.

All ready to go. But she can't come along!

Now, girls, don't be rude.

We decided that your father couldn't possibly leave Vicky alone for three whole days.

Well, let's get the show on the road, huh?

You first, Vicky. You'll want to sit beside Mitch.

Won't you? If you don't mind.

My pleasure. You know, the way things have worked out, I think you and Vicky ought to be up there alone.

What are you saying?

Maggie, in or out? Come on, will you? If you're not going, I...

Now, now, Vicky. Don't worry your pretty little head about me.

I'll just lie around the lake and soak up plenty of sun.

Besides, it'll give you a chance to get to know the girls.

You're going to have them for six months out of the year. Bye, Vicky.

Watch out for snakes. Thanks a lot!

Bye, girls. Have a good time. Bye!

Oh...

You all right? Oh, I'm just dandy. Some fun.

What's the matter? Vicky's not used to this, honey.

We'll rest a minute, huh?

The lake's not far now. Just about another hour, is all.

Look. I'll put it on, yes?

Gee, is it hot? What of it?

Well, I just thought maybe you'd like some of my water.

Thanks a lot.

Oh, no, there's a thing on there!

Oh, there's a thing on there!

What is it? It's only a little old tree lizard.

Look, Daddy. It wouldn't hurt anybody. Look.

Get that thing away from me! Get it away! Cut that out!

It's OK, come on. No... no...

Oh, get that away from me. I hate them. They're just miserable.

Now you two stay here and help Vicky, understand?

Yeah, sure we'll help her, Dad.

Sure you'll help me. Right over a cliff you'll help me.

What did we do?

Never you mind those angelic faces. I know vixen when I see 'em.

Just remember this.

You start anything and I'll make your lives just miserable for you later on.

You get me, pets?

See that? Cougar tracks.

It's a form of mountain lion. No kidding? Lions?

Sure. There are hundreds of 'em up here. They'll really mess you up.

They'll grab at your eyes. They'll eat you, you know.

But there's a trick an old Indian guide showed me.

See? You hit two sticks together like this and the noise frightens them and they won't eat you.

Like that? Yeah. That'll keep them away.

Come on.

Quick.

Hey!

Enjoying yourself? Perfectly wonderful time.

My feet are killing me.

Oh, why don't you go down and soak them in the lake. That'll cool them off.

You think? Oh, sure. Go on.

I'll try anything.

Come on in. It's not deep. Are you sure?

Sure I'm sure. Look, I'm standing.

Oh!

Mitch, come on!

Hecky, you really did yourself proud.

Thanks, Mitch. You sure you won't change your mind, Miss?

I detest trout! How many times do I have to tell you?

I'll wait and eat in the morning.

What are we having for breakfast? Trout.

We don't catch fish just to throw 'em away.

We always eat off the trail up here. That's part of the fun of it.

Only part of the fun? Swell.

What do you do on Saturday nights? Go down and throw rocks in the lake?

Look, you insisted on coming.

Now, the least you can do is make the best of it.

I was tricked into coming. She tricked me.

She sure did, didn't she?

If you wanna go back, Hecky can always take you down.

Why, sure, Miss.

I'd be happy to walk you down to the truck.

I'll stick it out, thanks.

Oh, do they think I'm running a free blood bank? I think they like this stuff.

What have you got? Oh, mosquito repellent.

It doesn't even smell like anything.

For Pete's sake, that's nothing but sugar and water.

What? Sure.

That'll bring every mosquito for 50 miles around. Where did you get that?

An old Indian scout gave it to me. Said it would keep the mosquitoes away.

Hecky, I think I'll have some more of that wonderful trout.

Oh, yeah.

I'm turning in.

Good night. Good night.

Good night, Vicky. Good night, Vicky.

Vicky?

Honey, what are you doing with the sticks?

What do you think I'm doing? I'm keeping the mountain lions away.

Mountain lions? Yeah. The noise...

The noise doesn't frighten mountain lions away.

Not a bit.

Good night.

Now, just why did you do that to Vicky? Daddy, I swear that...

Never mind. It's a terrible thing to do. Isn't it?

Just terrible. Sure.

Now, I don't want any more of that from either of you. You understand?

Yes, Daddy. Both of you?

Yes, Daddy. All right.


Let me out of here! Let me out of here!

Let me out!

Let me out of here! Get them away from me! Get those wild animals out!

Get them away! I hate them!

Get them out! Get them away from me!

Get them away from me!

I hate this place. I hate this filthy, stinking, dirty place!

What are you yelling about, Miss? It's just litty-bitty old bear cubs.

They wouldn't hurt a fly.

You shut up and get me my boots!

Yes, ma'am.

I hate this place! This may be somebody's idea of fun!

But it's not mine! I hate the fish! I hate the lake! I hate the bees!

I hate the filthy bugs! I can't stand this place!

What the heck are you doing with the food?

What's the matter? What's happening? Ya big overgrown jerk! It's not worth it!

Do you want your clothes, Vicky?

Thanks a heap. You, you're twins. Do you share everything?

Everything. Everything.

Well, you give your sister her half of this!

Wait a minute. There's no cause for that. They didn't do anything to you.

You'll never know what they did to me, you big goon!

Get me out of this stinking fresh air!

Mother, where are you? Hi!

You're back early. Which one are you? Sharon.

Did you have a good time? Oh, sensational! But...

Well, at least we did, but I don't think Vicky did.

Well, what happened? Hi, Mom.

Hi. How are you?

Wonderful. Hello, there.

Good evening.

Have you had your dinner? Oh, we're not hungry.

Then I think you'd better go upstairs and have your baths.

You both look pretty filthy to me. OK, then we'll tell you about Vicky, but not while he's there, OK?

Sh... OK.

So you had a wonderful time. What happened?

Oh, now, don't you give me that with the big eyes, "What happened?"

You knew darn well what was going to happen.

Well, what happened?

All right. You name it and it happened. The whole thing was a shambles.

Now, are you happy? Tsk, tsk, tsk.

It's the last time I'm gonna take a woman to the mountains, that's all I got to say.

Oh, uh, where's, um, what's-her-name?

Vicky? Yeah... Yeah, Vicky.

Well, she took off like a pelican, and she's probably at Park Avenue and 57th Street by now, and good luck to her.

Well?

We've been talking.

And we feel that we owe you an apology.

Well, I mean we feel sort of guilty about what we did to Vicky.

What did you do to her? Well...

I guess you could say we submarined her.

Well, it's none of our business who you wanna marry, and we ruined it for you.

Well, it's done with now so we won't talk about it anymore.

We're really sorry, Dad. Will you forgive us?

Oh, go on to bed, you monsters.

What are you gonna do, huh?

Do you want something to eat? Well then, you sure you've got enough?

Oh, sure, I cooked enough for you and Susan for dinner tomorrow night.

Remember, Sharon and I are leaving in the morning.

Oh, yeah. Wash your hands.

Oh, yeah. I'd better.


Where's Verbena anyway?

I wasn't expecting you back.

It didn't make sense for her to stay around here just for me, so I gave her the night off.

Say, you know, I think I'll just go upstairs and wash up.

I'll be right back. I'll just be a minute.

I don't know what he saw in her.

She had a horrid taste in clothes and absolutely no personality at all.

Wow.

Where are you going to? A party?

That is none of your business. Good night, ladies. Sleep tight.

Hi.

Well... I thought you were just going to "wash your hands".

Oh, well, I got started, I thought I might as well do a good job of it.

Sh. What?

Do you hear music?

Are those children looking at television when I told them to take a bath?

Oh, that's the hi-fi.

I just snapped it on when I was coming downstairs.

I thought a little music would be nice with dinner.

Also, I thought a little red wine might be good with the stew, huh?

Oh...

To the mother of my children and the most beautiful mother any two kids ever had.

Oh, Mitch, you can be the most exasperating man.

What did I say? What's the matter?

Waiting until we're here in the kitchen eating stew and me in my bare feet.

I like you in bare feet. Well, it puts a woman at a disadvantage.

Good. Here's to your disadvantage.

Here. Sit down and eat your stew. Yes, ma'am.

Don't spill it now.

Oh, darn! What's the matter?

I've got a wet dishcloth on and I put some knots in it.

Open it for me.

Maggie, as long as everybody's apologizing, I think maybe I'd better do mine too.

I mean, about the other night. I didn't mean for it to sound like that.

I guess I'm not very good with a compliment, what with growing up out here with the cows.

Oh, now, don't give me that old growing-up-with-the-cows routine.

You handed me that years ago.

I did not. You certainly did.

Well, it worked, didn't it? You liked it.

Oh, Maggie, you're so beautiful.

No. I mean it.

I know I don't say things like you want to hear 'em, but I've been thinking a lot about you.

And us, and the way things used to be.

This might sound funny to you, but do you know what I miss most of all?

Mitch? Hm?

You've got stew all over you.

I don't care. Go and wash it off.

What do you miss?

Well...

I don't care if it does sound silly.

I miss those wet stockings you used to have hanging around the bathroom.

And I miss my razor being dull because you used it to shave your legs with.

I miss the hairpins mixed up with the fish hooks in my tackle box.

It's no fun having a clothes closet all to myself.

And it's no fun swearing, because... you're not around to make believe you're shocked by it.

Nothing's any good without you, Maggie. I miss a lot of things.

I guess I just miss you.

Why did you take so long to tell me?

I don't know.

Well, because...

'Cause I guess I was hoping that you'd come back sometime.

Maggie, I've been the prize chump of the world. We've both been.

We're going to grow into a couple of old lonely people if we don't do something about it.

I know. You don't want that, do you?

No, Mitch.

Oh, Mitch.

It's been so long. So very long.

Don't cry.

Listen, you can slug me in the eye anytime you want.

OK.

Oh...

What's the matter?

Oh, my gosh. I just had the craziest dream.

Oh, my goodness. What is it?

You and I were marching along real slow, sort of funny-like, in organdie dresses.

And there was music coming from someplace, and there were flowers and people.