The Perfect Furlough (1958) Script

Sir, the psychologists are here.

Send them in. Yes, sir.

Gentlemen, would you come in please?

Colonel. Sit down, gentlemen.


It's Lieutenant Loren.

She was on the research staff that prepared that report.

Hmm.

I'll be brief and to the point.

The Army has a personnel problem.

Presenting it to you, gentlemen, and you lieutenant, is Major Collins' idea.

Major.

Yes, sir. The pointer.

Yes, yes.

This is the North Polar region.

Somewhere in this vast arctic waste the Army has an experimental radar station.

Top secret.

104 men volunteered to go there for the year it would take to complete the project.

Now, these men are all handpicked, all specially trained, and all bachelors.

Bachelors, colonel?

Well, major, these men are to live in complete isolation for one full year.

The Army thought the bachelors could weather it easier than married men.

Gentlemen, the Army was wrong.

How long have these men been up there?

Seven months.

And their condition?

Their condition can best be described as...

Indifference to the lieutenant's presence, as, um... restless.

The reports are all here.

Moods ranging from violence to apathy, lack of respect for authority, negligence in their work.

Now, Major Collins has been working on this problem for months.

You see, we have done everything that is humanly possible for us to do for them.

We sent them books, we sent them magazines, we sent them puzzles and records.

We event went so far as to send them a gross of do-it-yourself kits.

But, well, the men just don't seem to be interested in doing it themselves.

The answer seems fairly obvious, colonel.

What these men need is... No, major, we know what the men need.

This is not... I was going to suggest furloughs.

Impossible. We couldn't spare the men.

Now we... That is Major Collins.

I'm so sorry.

We asked you here, not to suggest furloughs, but to come up with some psychological gimmick which will take their minds off furloughs.

But do we want to take their minds off furloughs?

Lieutenant, I can see we're not all firing on the same target.

Well, sir, I don't think that she meant quite that.

On the contrary.

Emotionally, these men can't last another five months in isolation.

We've already established that, lieutenant.

And you can't give them furloughs? Right.

Well, since all 104 men can't go on furlough, perhaps one man could go for all of them. One man?

I suggest that we let the men at the base decide what they would consider the perfect furlough.

And then select one man to go on it.

Emotionally, every man there will go on this furlough with the winner, they will all live vicariously in his experience.

Well, I don't think that she meant... it might work.

Well, from a moral standpoint alone, consider how active their minds would be just thinking up this perfect furlough.

Hmm.

Hmm? Mm-hmm.


What time is it?

April. Five months to go.

Five months.


I thought I told you to keep away from my girl.


Furlough, furlough!

Furlough!

Hey, hey, wait for me!

Furlough!

Three weeks, we name it.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I'm really surprised at you fellas.

Is this the outfit I'm serving with?

The Army has offered us fillet mignon, and you guys wanna settle for a ham sandwich.

"Ham sandwich"?

Yeah, look, if the Army is really sincere about this perfect furlough, which I doubt, then let's pick one.

Let's shoot for the moon, what have we got to lose, right?

First question is where?

No more suggestions.

Paris.

Item two, the right woman.

Gentlemen, I give you Sandra Roca.

The Argentine bombshell.

When I accepted this idea, I thought the men would want a trip home.

To be with their mothers, their girlfriends.

But no, they've got to have a movie star.

Out of 104 men, 104 voted for three weeks in Paris with Sandra Roca.

How did I get myself talked into this?

Well I put in a long-distance call to Hollywood, sir, and spoke to Miss Roca's personal manager a Mr. Harvey Franklin, and he was very Cooperative and he said that he would talk to her and he would get right back to us, sir.

Well, I hope he can arrange it.

For your sake!

Sandra, where is your patriotism?

Oh, Harvey, that is not fair.

You know I would do anything for the boys.

I am as patriotic as the next star.

But I have done three pictures in a row without a rest, and you promised I could have a little rest.

I know, Sandra, I know.

I am so, so tired.

And so are those boys up at that base.

Those boys up there are freezing their... freezing.

This is your chance to show them some gratitude.

To make some American soldiers happy.

Do you know what it means if you refuse to go?

It means that we will lose

$2 million worth of free publicity.

I'm sorry, Harvey, but I must go away and relax.

You can relax in Paris, dear.

Ha, with a soldier alone.

Oh, boy, I can tell you have never been out with a soldier.

These are not ordinary soldiers.

These are all scientists.

Once I went out with a scientist, too.

They are even worse than soldiers.

All he wanted to do was examine me like if I were a bug or something.

Sandra, my baby... No, no, no, ho, ho, no, no, ho.

After all I've done for you, this is the way you repay me?

Oh, please, Harvey. Oh, no, no, no, you're a big star now.

You don't have to listen to me.

But just tell me one thing.

Who discovered you in the Argentine?

On the pampas riding a jackass?

Burro, it was a sweet, little burro. All right, the burro.

Forty miles from Buenos Aires and you had never even been to Buenos Aires.

Who took you to Hollywood?

Who bought you your first pair of shoes and taught you how to walk and talk?

And who kept you from marrying that garage mechanic just because you loved him?

You always make me feel so ungrateful.

Even your name Sandra, I gave you that.

My own dear departed wife's name.

Every time you talk like this, you mixed up me so much I don't know what to do anymore.

I want you to do anything you want to do.

Doesn't matter if it hurts me. Oh.

Warren, 94.

Thank you, sir. Williams.

Yes, sir. Ninety-five.

Wilson, 96. Hey, Williams.

How they gonna pick the winning number?

Well, she's gonna draw it out of a fish bowl.

Man, that sure was a great idea ya had, huh?

Thanks, Dombronski.

She's gorgeous. Gorgeous.

Dombronski, I got another great idea. Yeah?

How we can double our chances at winning.

Yeah? Shh.

Shh. How?

This is the way we'll do it.

No, no, not with you, just forget the whole idea. Forget it.

What do you mean forget it? Dombronski, you're too conservative.

I need a man who isn't afraid to lose.

Who's afraid to lose? You are.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

I come from a long line a losers.

My father still votes prohibitionist.

Okay. This is the deal.

You and I will play a game of chance.

If you win, you get my number and if I lose, you get my number.

Now, you pick the game you wanna play.

Any game you like.

Any game I want? Pick it.

High-card. Oh, no, you're a devil with cards.

But you said any game. Okay, cards.

Here's my chip. Here's my chip.

You go.

Jack.

Queen.

Put the cards away, we're not allowed to gamble.


And somewhere in the frozen wastes of the Arctic, at a secret base, 104 men are tensely gathered around their shortwave radio, awaiting the results of the drawing.

And here comes Sandra Roca now.

Here she comes.

She's accompanied by her personal manager, Mr. Harvey Franklin.

She looks beautiful.

She's wearing a pale blue sheath dress.

She steps up to the fish bowl.

She draws the number, here it is.

Number 14.


I won, 14, me. Me, I won, Paris, a movie star.

Yes. I won, 14.

Marvin, Marvin, listen to me carefully.

I'm your corporal, so you know I wouldn't lie to you.

Oh, no, no. But you're in no condition to go to Paris.

Who isn't? You're not.

Look at yourself.

You're a sick boy. Well, all I got is a sore throat.

All T got is a sore throat, you've had a sore throat now for seven months.

It's a medical fact that the subzero temperatures up here kill all the germs, yet you caught a cold.

So?

Marvin, your resistance is so low that you caught a dead germ.

Can you imagine what's gonna happen over there?

Those French germs are murder.

They won't even wait for you to get to the airport.

They'll fly out to meet you.

You'll come back a broken man.

I'll take my chances.

Okay, if you feel you're up to it. Up to what?

Marvin, when you're in Paris with Sandra you're not there for yourself, you represent 104 men.

You're obligated to see that we enjoy ourselves.

I'll do my best.

I hope it's good enough.

Because you have to live up to the expectations of every man in this outfit, and you know what they expect.

I'm only human.

That may not be enough.

This is going to take a giant among men.

I'll try not to let ya down.

Marvin, you're not letting me down, I'm your corporal.

Them, and regardless of what happens I'll always remember you as a brave man.

Brave? Mm-hmm.

I admire you, it takes guts to make that kind of a sacrifice.

What sacrifice? Your fiancé Gladys.

Don't mention her name in the latrine.

Marvin I've got to for your own good.

How do you think she's going to take this?

Sitting home alone, while you're traipsing around Paris with another woman.

Maybe she won't find out. She won't find out, huh?

You're out with a movie star, it's going to be in every newspaper, television, newsreels.

Poor trusting Gladys, humiliated, deceived, laughed at by her friends, what has she got left?

Where did you say she worked?

The Empire State Building. Empire...

Is that worth just a few lousy weeks in Paris, hmm?

Have fun, killer.

Hodges!

This Corporal Hodges, did it ever occur to either one of you to read his personnel file?

No, sir. No, no.

He is the only man who didn't volunteer to go to the Arctic.

He was sent there at the personal request of Congressmen Billings.

May I ask why, sir?

Women, lieutenant, the corporal likes them.

And they like him.

Up to now, the Army has preferred this type of arrangement.

But not to the extent that Corporal Hodges carries it.

Let me read from his record.

"On August 21st, on an inspection tour of Camp McHenry, Congressman Billings caught someone climbing out of the corporal's barrack's window.

His daughter.

When he was in Korea, some USO entertainers came there.

He was assigned to drive one of the girls by Jeep from Seoul to Yeongdeungpo.

"It took them six days."

How far was it?

Three miles.

And here in Tokyo, "The girl was the cousin of a cabinet minister.

Had a full battalion of Japanese Police out looking for them."

All they found was an abandoned rickshaw and two pairs of chopsticks!

Its been the same story at every post he's ever been assigned to.

He's compiled quite a military record. Oh, yes.

Militarily, he's something else again.

Engineer corps, exceptional ability.

Twice up for direct commission.

But each time... A woman.

Yes. We even have his pre-Army record.

He is the only high school student who was ever sued for breach of promise by his teacher.

When you research the behavior patterns of the American soldier, how did you leave him out?

He's your leading character. It's very interesting.

Obviously an over active libido. Obviously.

But how do we inactivate it?

If there were only some way we could call this whole thing off.

Well, I'm...

I'm afraid it's too late for that, sir.

His plane is due in half an hour, sir, and Miss Roca's already on way to the airport.

This furlough has become the focus of a good deal of publicity.

If anything goes wrong, if this situation gets out of hand, you realize the embarrassing position the Army would be in.

Yes, sir. Yes.

Therefore, since it was your idea, lieutenant, and since you talked me into it, major, I'm going to hold you both personally responsible.


Thank you, Bill. Right.

Wow.

Hello there. Hello.

You're lovely, you're absolutely lovely.

Thank you. You are too.

Thank you. Corporal Hodges, I'm Major Collins.

How do you do, sir?

Lieutenant Loren. Sir.

And Miss Baker, studio representative for Miss Roca.

Miss Baker. And Sergeant Nickles has been assigned with the trip to the single corps.

Wonderful. Yes.

Well, you leave for Paris on the 8:30 flight tonight.

Mm.

Meanwhile, we've arranged for hotel rooms for you so that you can freshen up.

Mm, nice. Oh, I almost forgot. Um.

I've got a little gift here from the fellas at the base.

Oh, how very sweet of you. There.

It's a walrus tusk ring. Oh, it's beautiful.

I have the mate to it if you'll notice. Oh.

Legend has it... Eskimo legend that is, that if you rub them together it ensures good hunting.

Oh, I like that.

Well, good hunting, corporal.

Well, lieutenant.

I think you'd better have a talk with him, sir.

I think we'd better both have a talk with him.

You know, frankly, after what I've read about Miss Roca...

I mean, millionaires, movie stars, that sort of thing, I'd rather hope that she wouldn't give him a second thought.

I'm not concerned about her second thought.

It's the first one that worries me.

Will you send two dozen of your finest roses to Miss Sandra Roca?

Now, lieutenant, are you the kind of an officer that goes by the book or is it all right if I call down and have them send up some drinks?

I wouldn't want you to waste your liquor, corporal.

Well, it's not my liquor... Sit down.

See, I won a contest in the Army...

I said sit down, corporal.

Yes, ma'am.

Now, we have something very important to discuss.

Yes, ma'am.

The Army... Oh, there you are, lieutenant.

Major. I'm sorry that I'm a bit late.

I was just about to go into the matter, sir.

Perhaps you'd better take over.

Very well. Corporal. Sir.

I'm going to eliminate all preliminary verbal skirmishes and fire point-blank.

Fire away, sir.

Now, in a few hours, you're gonna take off for Paris.

Yes, sir.

And for the next three weeks you're going to be in fairly close personal contact with Miss Roca.

Yes sir.

Now, while the Army naturally wants you to have a good time, we expect you not to...

Not to, uh... "Not to," sir?

Precisely, not to take advantage of the situation.

I understand, sir. In other words, corporal, The Army expects you to behave like a gentleman.

I'll do my best, sir.

Good, good, good.

Well, lieutenant, we better be getting along.

I'll see you later, corporal. Yes, sir.

Good-bye lieutenant, it was so nice meeting you. Good-bye.

And corporal, we do have your word?

You have my word, sir.

Good.

Yes, yes, good night.

Seems Cooperative enough. Yes, he does.

And quite sincere. I noticed that.

You trust him? No.

Neither do I.

Whenever the studio sends out one of their stars like Sandra, they send along someone from publicity.

Oh. In addition to publicist, I also play nurse maid and mother confessor.

Mr. Franklin insists on a watchdog for Sandra.

You see, she doesn't understand English really well and if anybody talks too fast, she's liable to say yes when she should've said no, you follow?

Mm, and so you say no for her. Constantly.

Well, if it was that big, it wasn't American.

Was it?

I didn't realize you were coming along on this trip, lieutenant.

Oh, last minute orders.

Well, there goes the pilot, I hope they left somebody up front to fly the plane.

As long as we're on the subject of men, this Corporal Hodges, I didn't know the Army had men like that up in the Arctic.

Neither did the Army.

It's criminal keeping a man like that in deep freeze.

Oh, is that Copenhagen? Oh, is it?

No, I don't think so. Oh, he seems to be thawing out.

Speaking for Sandra, I think you better start brushing up on saying no.

Speaking for Sandra, I don't know how long I can hold out.

We're stationed in the Arctic, 1,600 miles from the nearest thing that isn't frozen.

600 miles from the nearest Eskimo, but the book says the captain has to punish us.

So, what does he do?

He restricts us to the base for 48 hours.

Oh, and what is that, "restrict"?

I hate to break up a party, but...

Oh, please, Corporal Hodges has been telling us some very funny stories about officers.

Hasn't he, major?

Oh, very amusing, yes.

Sandra, it's after 12:00.

Oh, so soon? Oh, well.

You are not going to the bed?

Oh, the corporal and I are gonna stay here awhile and talk.

I understand, Army talk, huh? Yes.

Buenas noches. Buenas noches.

Yeah.

Tell me, sir, what's new at the Pentagon?

Well, since you asked, there's been a bit of trouble on the second floor.


Oh.

Hola. Hola.

Is something wrong?

Oh, yes, you see, the window curtain doesn't want to close.

Oh, that's a shame. Oh, yes.

Maybe I could fix it. Gracias.

Well, here we are. Yes.

It's a lovely little place you have here.

Oh, isn't it cozy? Yes. Mm-hmm.

But look. Oh, yes.

You tickles me. Soamll.

Oh. Oh, isn't that terrible?

I hope the rest of the plane is put together better than these curtains.

Oh, I hope so.

Yes, well, what are we gonna do?

I don't know, I... I have it.

Why don't you sleep in my booth?

In yours? Well, it's only a suggestion.

Oh. Oh, but that would not be fair.

To who? Well.

Where would you sleep?

Yeah, well, I'll sleep here, I'll sleep in your booth.

Oh, oh, this is so sweet of you, Paul. Gracias.

Yes, ma'am, I'll go get my stuff. Yes, yes.

Be back in a minute.

I hope I have the chance to do something for you sometime.

As a matter of fact you... Buenas noches.

Buenas noches.

Good night.

Paul. Yes?

I am so happy that you won.


Paul.

I forgot my stockings.

Good morning.

How do you feel? Fine.

That's good because I feel wonderful.

That, lieutenant, can end my army career.

I've got to radio ahead to Paris.


Let's go, sergeant.

What goes? You do, third floor.

And how long do I have the pleasure of this honor guard?

As long as you're in Paris. Whee.

Down here.

Oh, my money clip.

I don't wanna lose that. That's an heirloom.

This belonged to my grandmother. It was a medallion.

My grandfather took it and made it into a money clip. I better check the springs.

They got a little loose.

Here. Oh, why don't we have a little talk, hmm?

This a bribe? No, I wouldn't bribe you fellas.

Let's just say it's a donation in mutual understanding.

She said he'd try something like this.

She? The lieutenant.

Oh.

Here.

All right, turn around.

Nice big smile. That's it.

Okay, here we go. Come on now, look like you're enjoying yourself.

Nice big smile.


Thank you.

Lieutenant, happy Bastille Day to you. Thank you, major.

Voila.

Are you having fun, Paul?

Yes.

Then blow your little horn.

No, I don't think I can handle anymore cocoa, thank you.

Publicity pictures, corporal.

After all, we don't want it to look as if you were having a drunken orgy, do we?

Compliments of the management, lieutenant.

103 postcards. Thank you very much.

Oh, but of course.

I thought the men at the base would appreciate it if you sent each of them a short personal note.

Huh, mambo.

Miss Roca, would you care to dance? Oh, si, very, very much.

Private Phillip Anderson.

Come on, lieutenant, let's level with each other.

Why the storm troopers, why everything?

The government feels that Sandra should be protected.

Suppose Sandra doesn't want to be protected.

You keep acting like she's some sort of wildlife.

Oh, it's not Sandra whom we consider wildlife.

Oh.

You see, we're trying to protect her from a man who's personnel file reads like a Stag movie.

You read the file? All of it.

Well, I guess there's nothing to add. We're trying to see to that.

Private Phillip Anderson.

Lieutenant, as a psychologist to a patient, what's wrong with me?

Well, I don't know you well enough to say.

Well, I do know there's something wrong with me.

For an example, here I am a grown man and I still like women.

There's absolutely nothing abnormal about a man liking women, corporal.

But there is a limit.

What do you do after you catch the limit, do you throw the next one back?

I was foolish to even discuss it with you.

No, lieutenant, I am being very serious.

You've studied the subject. You're very objective about it.

You're above sex.

Start writing, corporal.

Are you having fun, Paul? Yeah.

Then blow your little horn.

Well, Miss Roca, did you have a good time?

Oh, ves, I think Paris is a beautiful city.

I had a wonderful time.

Oh, and you, you are so sweet.

Spending your whole evening writing postcards to your amigos.

That'll do, let's go.

That's right.

Lieutenant, I'm sorry I only got as far as the S's.

Oh, that's perfectly all right, you can finish in the morning.

Yes.

Sergeant.

"Compliments of the management.” For what?


Okay.

Vicki, Paul is coming down with some champagne.

Oh.

I'm glad I stopped by.


Closet.

May I... oh, I'm terribly sorry, sir.

Did you hurt yourself? No.

It's quite all right. May I have room service?

This is Corporal Paul Hodges, room 723.

I... no, I moved.

Yes, I'm on the seventh floor now.

That's a nice bathroom. Careful, sir.

Oh, thank you.

Yes, that'll be a good fall.

And that door is the only way out.

Oh, this room will do just fine.

Excuse me, sir. That's quite all right, corporal.

Room service? Would you send up a scotch and water?

Yes, and would you have a bellboy bring up all the latest magazines?

I'd like a ham sandwich from the kitchen and would you see to it that the valet reports to me immediately?

Thank you. That's all right, isn't it, sir?

Why, of course, corporal, as I've told you repeatedly, the Army wants nothing more than for you to have a good time.

Thank you, sir.

Good night, Hans.

Good night, Sylvia.

Hello, can I have Sandra Roca's room, please?

Sandra? Si.

Paul. Oh.

What are you doing? I am in the bed.

Are you alone?

I mean, is Lieutenant Loren still there?

No, she has gone.

She said you were not coming and... Oh, but I am.

You are? Don't go away.

Entre.


I had your luggage sent right to your room. I know you will like it.

From the window, you can see the river's end.

Isn't it romantic, Henry?

I'm bushed, lets get some shut-eye. Oh.

I hope you will enjoy your stay with us.

I'm sure we will.

If there is anything I can do.

Well, you can put a new bulb in here. Oh, course, immediately.

The hotel provide many services.

If you need any tickets to the theater...

Oui.

We arrange guided tours of the city.

The exchange of dollar into franc.

Oui.

No!


No! No!


Come in.

Good morning, corporal. Good morning, warden.

You're a little off your game today.

I'm a little shaky this morning.

I didn't get to bed until ten o'clock last night.

We've canceled the schedule for this morning.

Sandra's gone to the dressmaker, and then has to return here to have her hair done.

We'll pick up again after lunch with visits to the Tuileries.

The Tuileries, huh? Napoleon's tomb and Le Pont Neuf.

Wee.

I should think you'd take more interest in seeing Paris.

Lieutenant, for two weeks I've been hounded, trailed, pushed around by those leftovers from the Stone Age.

They're only following orders. Mm-hmm, well if the orders were to ruin my furlough, you've succeeded.

Whether you believe it or not, we wanted you to enjoy yourself.

Lieutenant, how do you think I can enjoy myself when every time I turn around, you're standing there?

Lieutenant, I'm sorry, I apologize.

It's just that I'm tired of being watched.

Paris is such a lovely city and I am interested in seeing it.

But not at the end of a leash.

If I could just go for a walk by myself.

A walk? Mm-hmm, just a walk.

Where would you go? Well, I dunno, up and down, around.

And all you'd do is walk? Mm-hmm.

Left right, left right.

Just walk.

How long would you be gone?

You name it.

Two hours?

Two hours. All right.

Lieutenant, I won't forget this.

I mean it, thank you.

Tell them.

Let him go.

Afternoon.

Begging your pardon, lieutenant. Yes?

I think you just goofed.

Well, he's just going for a walk for two hours.

What can happen in two hours? In Paris?

Here.

Enjoying Paris? Are we still in it?

Well, I told ya I was gonna go for a walk.

Can you ride a bicycle? Anything to get off my feet.

Hmm, well, that kills that idea.

Comfortable? Yes, fine, thank you.

Good.

Bonjour. Bonjour.

Do you speak English? Yes, I do.

May I sit down, thank you.

Oh, that's my sister.

Well, why you leave her sitting alone?

I was hoping some gentlemen would walk by.

You see, we have a problem with my sister. Oh?

Yes, we've been trying to find her a husband.

My parents are very concerned. You see, she's almost 40.

Forty? Mm-hmm.

She does not look it.

No, we've had the very best doctors.

Oh, she's had a face-lift?

Three times, the doctors say one more time and they lift the face right off the head.

Viva la France.

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, don't worry, your brother is very smart.

He will find a husband for you.

Miss.

Is there a window in there?

Oh, I don't now, I've never been in there.

Could you ask someone to go in and see if there's a soldier there?

Jacques? Oui?

Oh, thank you.

You like soldiers?

No.

No. No?

No. No?

Oh, thank you.

Merci.

Well, hi. Hi, where's Sandra?

In there getting her hair done.

I thought sure he'd come here. He got away.

Who got away? Crawled out the window at the men's room.

Well, if he crawls in here, I'll step on him. What are you talking about?

Oh, I'm sorry, I'll explain later. Have you got any money?

I've got a cab waiting downstairs.

Are you kidding? No, I haven't, I'll go ask Sandra.

Would you? Thank you.

Sandra?

San...

Sandra?

I'm terribly sorry, where is Miss Roca?

I do not know.

This soldier comes in that door, gives me 10,000 francs and tells me to go set my hair.

So, I'm setting it.

Well, did he say where they were going?

All I hear him tell her, he has rented a car and they are going on a picnic.

I can't drink much, you know, two drinks, and I forget what I'm doing. I'll remind you.

Do you know what the French put in their wine?

Hmm?

Atmosphere. Bottoms up.

Mm, it's good. Marvelous wine.

Delicious.

Oh, you know, I used to know another boy named Paul.

Really?

I was 13 and he was 14, and I was in love with him and he wouldn't even look at me.

He used to call me Flacuchina. Flacuchina?

You know, skinny. Skinny.

Oh, you should have seen me.

No hips, flat chested, all the boys used to laugh at me.

And then one day, they stopped laughing.

That'll wipe the smiles off their faces every time.

I'm starving, let's eat, no? No.

How can you think of food at a time like this?

No, Paul, no. Why not?

I can't. Why can't you?

I mean, I'm married.

You're married? Mm-hmm.

I had to keep it a secret. Mm-hmm.

No one knows outside of Fred. Who's Fred?

My husband.

Oh.

He's an accountant in Mr. Franklin's office.

Oh, you don't know what it would do to Harvey if he knew I was married.

Who's Harvey? Mr. Franklin.

Oh, I see, yes. You see, he has made me everything I am.

You know, the sex, Argentine bombshell.

And he says bombshell's should not get married.

All that publicity about me and other men, who would believe it? Yeah.

Harvey has done so much for me that I just don't want to hurt him, but I fell in love with Fred, and we pretend we are just friends but we are not friends, we are married.

Oh, you are angry, aren't you?

No, no, I'm not angry.

I'm just trying to find some way to apologize.

Oh.

I think I'll start by drinking a toast to you and Fred.

No wine.

Oh, that is very sweet of you, Paul.

May your marriage defy time, and Mr. Franklin.

Yes.Salud.

Well, keep trying, sergeant, he may have rented the car under an assumed name.

Okay.

Four o'clock.

You sure you don't want anything to eat?

Liz, aren't you even a little concerned?

Course I'm a little concerned.

I'll be a little bit more concerned after I finish my lunch.

There's nothing I could have done about it, anyhow.

If she really wanted to go, I couldn't have stopped her.

Girl's over 21.

I can't say I blame her.

I really must be slipping.

I considered myself an old pro in this department, and I've missed every signal.

Meaning what?

Oh, it's pretty obvious the guy's getting to you.

He's what?

You know all you've done for the past three hours?

Stare out that window, look at your watch, and smoke one cigarette after another.

Of course I have.

This whole project is my idea.

If something goes wrong, I'm in a lot of trouble.

And I'm not, I suppose?

I'm following orders.

If the army wasn't concerned, I couldn't care less.

Oh, I see, it's the army, is it?

You're being ridiculous, Liz.

Corporal Hodges is the one kind of man I couldn't possibly be interested in.

Why, he's so obvious, I can tell you every move he's going to make before he even makes it.

Well, you tell me the next move, I wanna be there. You're welcome to him and lots a luck.

Oh, come off it, lieutenant.

Admit it, the guy bugs you.

As far as I'm concerned, a bug is something you find crawling in your bed.

I rest my case.


What happened? Something run, run, run, and stop?

We run out of gas. Oh.

Oh, you planned it, you planned it.

I was covering every angle.

Oh, Paul, you are nice, but you are naughty.

Hola.Hello.

Bonjour, you are blocking traffic, monsieur.

We ran outta gas.

My father says he will push you to our house.

We have some gasoline. Thank you.


Merc1 He's going to bring the gasoline. Good.

Tell me, what are those men doing over there?

Oh, they are crushing the grapes.

For over 300 years now, my family has been making wine.

Oh, and my I go and take a little look?

Oh, yes, yes, of course. Oh, gracias.

It means thank you. Oh, I see.

You are very nice.

Thank you, papa.

May I help you? Please, would you hold the top?

Oh, yes, of course. Thank you.

My father says you are a very lucky man. Oh, really?

Papa. He says when am I going to bring home a lovely girl like that.

You will. He wants me to get married.

Good.

He says I will not be young forever.

He says it's very good for a man to be married, look at you.

Oh, well, I'm not married.

No, we just happen to be good friends.

Papa. Papa.

He says to be friends with a beautiful girl is just like owning a Rembrandt and turning it against the world.

If telling the major's gonna get you in so much trouble, I don't understand why you have to tell him.

He's going to find out sometime.

I know, but there's no sense...

Oh, hello, muchachas. Hola Sandra, what happened?

Oh, we had a picnic. I'll bet you did.

She drank a little too much wine.

Just this much. And what she couldn't drink, she wore.

Come on, Sandra, we'll slip into something a little less colorful, huh?

That's a girl, come on, this way Sandra.

That's it. Come on. Adios, Paulito.

Adiés.Such a gentleman. Come on.

Easy, easy. I think you and I better see the major.

I ran outta gas. Of course.

Shall I tell you what Sandra and I did all afternoon?

Please do.

We talked. Mm-hmm.

We had a nice, long friendly discussion.

If she's the result of a friendly discussion, I'd hate to have an argument with you.

She fell into a wine vat. During a lull in the conversation, no doubt. Huh.

I think we better have that talk with the major.

No, I think we better clear this up first, lieutenant.

You're not even interested in the truth, are you?

Corporal.

You've passed judgment, and nothing's gonna change your mind.

I had you pegged before I even met you. Oh.

There are textbooks written about men like you.

Freud, humanity drowning in an ocean of sex.

I have a suggestion for you, lieutenant.

Why don't you quit being a lifeguard and jump in the water with the rest of us slobs?

Or are you afraid you won't know how to swim?

Come here. Let go of me.

I said take your hands off me. Shut up.

You're talking to an officer, corporal. Shut up, sir.

Ouch!

I don't wanna see what you have to show me, now let me go.

Do you realize... do you realize what you're doing?

You'll get 10 years of hard labor for this, now let me go.

Let me go or I'll scream.

Go ahead scream, they don't understand a word of English.

Where are we going?

You mind getting up there, please?

Oh, this is ridiculous. Oh. Do as I say, lieutenant.

All right, so I'm here. Just one moment, please.

Would you tell them to continue?

She was standing there.

He brought the grapes.

He walked up there very quietly.

Someone in the vineyard yelled, "Hey, Armand."

Armand is his name.

My father says, "Two women in the vat in one day, it will be a good winter year."

Who is it?

It's me, ma'am. Some more hot water for your tub.

Oh, thank you, I can't reach it. Shall I pour?

No, no, would you set it on the table for me?

To your right and higher.

Up and right, now, down, oh that's fine, thank you.

Incidentally, we were invited for dinner and I took the liberty of accepting.

But my clothes are still wet.

What's that? It's your dinner outfit, ma'am.

What is it, a bedsheet? Mm-hmm, and four safety pins.

Corporal, I couldn't possibly appear in a bedsheet.

Very well, if madam wishes to appear in four safety pins.

Well, no, on second thought, you can leave the sheet.

I'll figure something out. Mm-hmm.

Thank you, corporal. Yes, ma'am.

There.

What do you think?

I think you're right.


My friend.

Good, very good.

Lieutenant, dinner's ready.

Thank you.

Push the lamp, he wants to look at her.

Can I help? Oh, no, that's all right, I can manage.

Oh, excuse me. That's all right.

He says he likes her better than the first one.

She is a cleaner woman.

When the other one left she was covered with wine.

At least she took a bath.

When you leave with a woman... it's more pleasant if she likes to bathe.

And also, she is not lazy. She offered to do the dishes.

She is quiet.

And good-natured.

And a loyal face.

Oh, Papa.

What'd he say? Come on, tell me.

He said she would make a good wife.

Would you excuse me?

A good soldier never forgets his ammunition.

You made quite an impression with the father and son.

Oh?

They said you were clean, quiet, good-natured.

And had a loyal face. Swell.

All the qualities of a good wife.

Sounds more like a poodle.

Best a Frenchman can do is say you have a loyal face, kind of shakes a girl up.

You won't object to a local opinion.

I think you've got a pretty face.

A very pretty face.

And if it'll make you feel any better, I don't see a trace of loyalty in it.

Thank you.

You're all tied up.

Nothing will tie you up quicker than KP.

Get you right in the neck and the shoulders.

I had a buddy in my outfit who used to do the same for me.

Used to work his fingers straight down my spine.

It's amazing how quickly you can relax with the slightest pressure in the right spot.

The theory is that if the muscles relax, the nerves relax.

Relax.


We just violated Article 93, Section seven.

Have we? No enlisted man shall kiss or embrace a superior officer.

Shall we turn ourselves in?

Let's talk about it.

My room? The bar.

Twenty minutes. Half an hour.

Twenty minutes.

No, no, that's all right, I'll hold on.

Oh, he's in the... That's it.

Crestview five, four, one, nine, nine.

Yes, that's right.

Mr. Harvey Franklin.

Hollywood, California.

Don't tell me.

You've been on a picnic.

What's wrong with Sandra?

She's coming down with a cold.

Driving around with all those wet clothes on.

Doctor's in there with her now.

Yes, yes, I'm still here.

And you have to report a cold?

Sandra is a multimillion-dollar property, if she so much as sneezes, MR. Franklin's entire staff says gesundheit and takes an aspirin.

Is it a bad...

Well, lieutenant.

You got back. Yes, sir.

Where were you? Out, sir.

Out. I presume when you say "Out,” you mean unconscious?

I was in a wine vat, sir.

Any person who'd let Corporal Hodges go out for a walk deserves to end up in a wine vat.

Really, lieutenant, you knew better.

Mr. Franklin, Liz Baker.

Now, don't worry, but Sandra's got a cold.

What? Yes, sir.

Cold? That's right, sir, a little cold.

Well, how did she get a cold?

Well, it's something that she caught.

What do you mean it's something that she caught?

Well, you know how those things are.

You are supposed to protect her, Miss Baker.

If there is anything to be caught, it is your job to catch it.

Oh, it's only the sniffles, Mr. Franklin, the doctor's in there with her now.

The doctor's coming out now.

There's nothing to worry about. She is a healthy woman.

He says there's nothing to worry about, she's a healthy woman.

She will have a fine baby.

She will have a fine... oh. Miss Baker.

Would you hold on there just a minute, Mr. Franklin?

A baby? Oui, oui, madam.

But doctor, she's not married.

How can she have a baby?

It's really very simple, monsieur.

Are you sure you haven't made a mistake?

It isn't 1 who have made the mistake.

Aw.

I'll be right with you, Mr. Franklin.

Hello, Miss Baker!

Doctor, what are you saying?

I wanna make sure...

Oh, oh, wait a minute, doctor, doctor.

You'll be sure you won't say a word about this to anyone.

Oh, I understand.

Where's Corporal Hodges? Miss Baker!

I think that's an arbitrary and unfair accusation, sir.

Operator, I've been cut off. We'll soon find out.

Miss Baker. Miss Baker!

Hi, there, Mr. Franklin.

Miss Baker! Are you still there, Mr. Franklin?

Of course I'm still here, what's going on there?

Well, about Sandra, it's turned out to be something a little bit more than a cold.

I'm warning you, Miss Baker, if anything's happened to Sandra, it means your job!

Well, speaking as an ex-employee.

What happened?

Well, sir... well, sir, Sandra is going to have a baby.

Miss Baker.

I shall hold you personally responsible.

Mr. Franklin, no jury in the world would believe that.

Oh, I feel so silly getting a cold.

Nurse, don't you have to go to the drugstore to get some medicine or something?

Monsieur, in France we call it a pharmacist.

I will try to think of something.

Yes. Excuse me.

Sandra. Are you kidding?

I realize that this is a rather indelicate way to bring up such a personal matter, but naturally, we found out.

About what? About you.

Now, I fully understand why you have to keep it a secret, but I... You mean you know?

Everything. Oh.

Oh, boy.

Did Paul tell you?

Does Paul know?

I told him this afternoon. And what happened when you told him?

Well, when I explain him the situation I was in, I thought he was going to be very angry.

It is not the sort of a thing you tell a man when he takes you on a picnic.

No, it's... no. But when you did tell him, what happened?

He wished me luck. He wished you luck?

And he also said we would always be very good friends.

Isn't that sweet? It's adorable.

Yes. Now, Sandra, you just lie back and relax, and everything's going to be all right.

Are you satisfied, lieutenant?

He wished her luck. Yes, I'm...

Oh, all right, all right, what's going on?

You're confined to quarters. Confined to quarters, why?

All T know is you're to speak to nobody and see nobody.

I gotta call lieutenant. No calls.

You don't understand, I have...

We don't have to understand.

You mean you're not mad, Mr. Franklin?

Well I'll admit at first, I was angry, Miss Baker.

Angry enough to murder you.

But on the airplane, the colonel and I were talking. I'm a realist.

And when I face a situation, I like to look at the good side.

And what a good side this has.

It has? The perfect ending to the perfect furlough.

Having a baby?

Miss Baker, in a situation like this, what is the customary thing the man does?

Blows town? He gets married.

Corporal Hodges and Sandra? It's the Cinderella story.

Corporal marries glamorous movie queen.

Why, the public will eat it up.

And think of what it will do for your recruiting, colonel.

Why, you'll be able to end the draft.

Well, you see it may not be quite that simple, sir.

You see, Corporal Hodges denies the whole thing.

What if he refuses? That's ridiculous.

What man in his right mind would take

20 years of hard labor against a lifetime with Sandra Roca?

That was what you were going to give him, isn't it, colonel?

Any suggestions, lieutenant?

I see no other alternative.

If Sandra's willing to marry him.

Oh, she will.

It's a little late for natural selection.

Oh, I don't want Sandra to know that I'm here.

She'll probably think I'm going to be furious with her, and instead, I'm going to arrange everything.

You see, in my business, we have ways of handling this sort of thing.

Of course it'll be a quiet wedding.

But the way I'll manage it, they'll be more publicity than if they'd been married in Notre Dame Cathedral.

Just sit down, it'll get it.

Hello.

Oh, yeah, Miss Baker, he's here but you can't talk to him.

You called to talk to me?

Oh. Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Okay, thanks.

What a mixed-up dame.

She calls to tell me Lieutenant Loren got permission from the colonel to go back to the states.

She's checking out now.

Now, why would I be interested in that?

That's 65. Sixty-five?

Sixty-five.

That is 60 cents you owe me.

Can I... Yeah, go ahead.


Oh.

Good afternoon, madam, don't be alarmed, I'm here on government business.

I was just inspecting.

You pass.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Sir.

Daphne. Hello, poopsie.


Follow that cab. We brought you a little gift.

Thank you, will you follow the cab? She's getting away.

Which one of the two women is it?

The one that took a bath.

He says that 60 years ago he too chased a woman down this very same street.

Did he catch her?

How do you think I was born?

Do you think we could ask your father to go just a little faster?

What? He does not wish to catch up until he reaches the Lou Fairmont. Oh.

Well, why?

Papa.

Because it was there that he caught my mother.

He's very sentimental.


Look out!

Look out!

You all right? Oh, the leg, oh, it's an old war wound.

Oh, phony, you're all right.

Listen to me, lieutenant.

I'm not the father of the baby.

Sure. Will you listen to me?

Come on, driver, let's go. Look.

Just give me one moment to talk to me.

You see what happened was, there was a mistake.

No, will you wait just a minute?

Wait just a minute, hold on. Wait, just...

I'm sorry about the wine.

What, what? He says forget about the wine.

Go catch the woman. Okay, good-bye.

Wait a minute!

Will you listen to me? No, I won't listen.

Will you please get out of the car, corporal?

No.

Back to the hotel. To the airport.

Where do you think you're going? Home.

Why? What do you expect me to do, stay here until the baby is born? Will you listen to me?

I won't listen to you, I've gotten into enough trouble listening to you. I am not the father of the baby.

Please hurry, driver.

I'm sorry, excuse me. Has it ever occurred to you that I might be telling the truth? You're hurting my arm.

Lieutenant, I am not the father of that baby.

Oh, sure.

See, Ethel, didn't I tell you the Wildest things went on in Paris.

Well, I certainly hope so.

I'm warning you, corporal. Ask Sandra.

She's hardly in condition to be a character witness. I'm Lieutenant Loren.

You just won't believe me, will ya? No.

Have a nice trip.

May I have your ID card, lieutenant?


Hello?


Another scotch.

No, no, monsieur, I cannot accept you money.

Why not? A man like you does not pay.

Corporal Hodges et Lieutenant Loren?

Who said let them eat cake?

Harvey Franklin.

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, doctor. You want to see me?

Yes, please. Doctor Colbert, you know Miss Baker.

Yes, we met. Colonel Leland.

How do you do, doctor? Mr. Franklin.

Doctor.

And...

Doctor, the nurse said that.

Miss Roca is running a temperature.

Oh, it's very slight.

She's so happy about having a baby.

Then it will be possible for her to be married today.

Not only possible, but advisable.

Well, then it's all set.

All we need now is the bride and groom.

She is marrying Corporal Hodges, isn't she?

Oh, yes, yes of course.

The poor lieutenant.

The lieutenant?

Oui, you mean you do not know?

Know what?

May I speak to you privately?

Yes, certainly.

Excuse me.

Major Collins.

Would you excuse me?

What is this about a lieutenant?

Mr. Franklin, I assure you, I don't...

Doctor, what is going on here?

La vie.Life.

Are you sure, hold the wire, please.

Her plane's oh runway now, sir.

It's ready for takeoff. Get the control tower, and get her off that plane. Yes, sir.

Colonel?

Later, something has come up that may change everything.

Then get the military police. Yes, sir.

No, no, don't get them.

I don't wanna cause her any more embarrassment than necessary. Colonel, will you please...

Tell them to hold her until we get there. Yes, sir.

I've always said this is what happens when you've got women in an army.

I should never have listened to this confounded idea in the first place.

The lieutenant too? Well, you see...

Well, I mean... Well, I know, but...

The control tower.

Colonel, my studio has two unreleased pictures with Sandra, that's $3 million I have invested in her.

We'll discuss it after I've seen Lieutenant Loren. I have to consider her too.

And what does the Army have invested in her?

Two tired uniforms? I'll reimburse ya!

Thank you. They're taking her off the plane now, sir.

Well, let's go.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I beg your pardon. What do you want?

Have you seen this man?

What do you want with him? It's a personal matter.

I'm his superior officer, what kind of a personal matter?

I found him with my wife, she had no clothes on.

Are you sure?

How do you mean am I sure? Well, I didn't...

We've been married for five years.

I ought to know when she has no clothes on.

When did it happen? About an hour ago.

Oh, well, that's not possible, sir.

You see, Corporal Hodges is confined to...

Corporal Hodges is in his quarters, isn't he?

No, sir, that's what I was coming to report.

What?

Well, you see, when this gentlemen came looking for him, we discovered he was gone.

He's loose in Paris? Well?

Well, everybody's loose in Paris.

Don't just stand there, find him!

I want him here when I get back!

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Don't just stand there, find him!

Please. Please, colonel.

Wait a minute Mr. Franklin. What am I supposed to do, you can't...

You stay here and watch the cake!

What about my wife?

Oh, tell her to put some clothes on.

Monsieur. I didn't order this.

Compliments of that gentleman.

Who is he? The house detective.

House? Qui, monsieur.

Will you please have patience, judge?

I assure you that there will be a wedding.

May we have two scotches and water, please?

Here's your hat, soldier. Thank you.

Corporal Hodges? That's right.

Well, I'm Harvey Franklin.

Nice for both of you. I'm from Hollywood.

I just flew in.

Sandra's Harvey Franklin? The same.

Come with me. Come on.

Paul, guess.

Sandra. Harvey.

What are you doing here?

Well, with my little girl in trouble, you didn't think I'd stay away, did ya?

You thought I'd be mad, didn't you?

Well, I'm not, and I made all the arrangements.

Oh?

The magistrate.

Magistrate? The bridal suite.

The bridal suite? And wait till you see the wedding cake I had made for you. Wedding cake? Well, for what?

Well, now, you can't get married without a cake, can you, dear?

Married?

Paul, you did not tell him?

Oh.

Well, I am already married.

Married?

Married? To Fred.

Oh, I'm Paul. Marcel.

Who's Fred?

Fred Sloane, he works for you in the accounting department.

Not any more he doesn't.

Nobody works for me who stabs me in the back.

How can you do this to me, after all the things that I have done for you?

Here we go. Who discovered you on the pampas riding on a jackass? You.

Will you speak in English, how many times have I told you English, who took you to Hollywood?

You, you brought me to Hollywood and you taught me to walk and talk.

I was just as happy when I didn't know how to walk and talk.

Even her name, I gave her that too. Well, you can have it back.

If I was still on that sweet little burro, I wouldn't have to hide the most wonderful and beautiful thing that can happen to a girl.

And here I am, having a baby and I can't even tell anyone.

Sit down, sit down. Only to you, Paul.

I have been waiting for you all morning, and you didn't even show up.

Well, something came up.

How do you think I feel?

It is not fun having a baby all by yourself.

Will you stop gibbering? If I feel like gibbering, I'll gibber.

And let me leave you with one final gibber. Gibber.

If Fred goes, I go.

Oh, now, now, look, now, now, Sandra, now, don't get excited, dear.

Sandra, dear, now this is Harvey talking to you, dear.

Mr. Franklin. He's all yours, colonel.

Where have you been for the last two hours?

We've been looking. Never mind, major, I'll take care of this.

Well, everything's under control.

I'm happy, I'm glad you're married.

Who's married? She's married?

Yes, she's married. She's married to Fred.

Fred? Mm-hmm.

Who's married to Fred who?

Sandra is married to a fella named Fred Sloane who happens to work for Mr. Franklin who also happens to be the father of the baby.

Any questions?

It's kind of a drag, isn't it, lieutenant?

Destroys your faith in Dr. Freud.

If it's all the same to you, sir, I'd like to go back to the base.

Well, corporal, it seems we owe you an apology.

Now, if there's anything I can do...

With your permission, sir, I'd like to go and pack.

Well, yes, certainly. Thank you.

But colonel.

Now, look you don't want Fred to be in the accountant department all his life, do ya?

Sandra, I'll make him a producer.

Come in, Harvey.

Colonel, I was stupid to lie to you.

I was embarrassed.

I realize it's something that can't be hidden indefinitely.

You mean you really are?

Get him. Stop him.

Hurry up, don't let him get away again.

Naturally, I'll resign from the service anyway, but I'd like to think it was because I was getting married.

Well, since Miss Roca already has a husband, that's no problem.

Suppose Corporal Hodges denies the whole thing?

Don't worry, it won't do him any good.

You come with me.

You're pretty sneaky, lieutenant.

Like you said, the guy bugs me.

Hold it please, corporal.

You know I'm gonna get this marriage annulled.

You are? Mm-hmm.

In about 40 years.

Man, what a time we must be having.

Dig that crazy looking lieutenant.

Wow, what a parlay.