The Pest (1997) Script

Papa, I need the bathroom! Come on, get out!

I like to boogie with my peeps Cruise and Creep Playing three-Card money on these Crazy streets Great hustler I'm gonna sCam in a minute So low to the floor PiCk the poCket on a mid get SliCk shyster The Pest Meister Living life in Miami's viCe Ma, see Nobody messes with the frog, see Where'syour Messiah now

NiCelady, I'm hurting I'm sexy butl'm hurting Allright, already l'm "ridiCuliCulous" Like a booger, I stiCk to this Take a whiff of this I'm stinky dinky Two stinky dinky

Voodoo Mambo Chili Congo Old sChool beat meets Latin freak and you don't stop

Old sChool beat meets Latin freak You don't quit and you don't stop Mirror, mirroron the wall who is the sliCkest of them all It's thes Cheminges tkeenests Cam artist God, it's so hard to be modest!

JaCk may be nimble butl'm a sex symbol So sliCk Is tole the wiCk from his Candle stiCk I'm in the mood to sCam simply beCause I Can I'm the Latin Houdini Disappear in a flash with your Cash and l'm baCk like agenie Lucy, I'm home! Don't do that to me, Lucy!

Freak to the east Freak to the west Freak big booties and big Chest Yes, y'all, and it's like that! Why, certainly!

Get stupid, get retarded 'Cause Pest'll get the party started Which way did he go, George? Which way did he go?

Fun kadoCious, grooviloCiousatroCious What a maroon!

What a maroon! What a freak!

What a sucker-butt!

I'm the man of a million disguises I'm as Crazy as they make them or shake them or break them So sCientific, hate to be speCific E=mC2 Multiply, divide it, slide up inside it blend it, mix it Damn, I'm terrific Pestario!

Did somebody summon me?

Hello, Cleavers.

Hello, June.

Hello, Ward.

Oh, I see Eddie Haskell is here.

I'm so proud. My son, the delivery boy.

Your mom's birthday's coming up.

What are you gonna steal for her this year?

I don't know. I haven't decided yet. Ma, what doyou want?

Surprise me. I will!

Pestario, you're just a common hustler.

There is nothing common about the way I dance!

Shall we?



That was nasty. Look at the time.

So long, my family. I must go to work. Love, peace and chicken grease.

Good morning, Pestario.

Mr. Shank, we've been searching for hours.

No one in this neighborhood will fulfill our needs.

Perhaps we should return home?

You're too impatient, Leo.

A good hunter must always remember... the most challenging prey is often the most difficult to find.

Father Shillelagh. How are your Blarney stones?

I wanted to thank you personally for helping at the church bazaar.

It was bizarre, wasn't it? Yes, it was.

You know, your booth made more money than any other.

What can I say?

It was impossible to knock down those milk bottles.

You don't suppose it was divine intervention?

Father, if this is the way you keep secrets...

I'm gonna save my juicy confessions for Father Garcia.

I'll sail away now. Lucky Charms, they're magically delicious!

Bless you, my son.

I think.

Children! Such carefree exuberance.

Such pure innocence at play.

Those little runts. I'll teach 'em.

Hey, moron, we need one more for basketball.

You're with the fat loser-boy.

Why do they call you fat loser-boy? I think because I'm fat and never win.

We're gonna change that. The part about never winning.

Bet your lunches. First point wins.

All right, you son of a freak, no fouls, no calls, no outs. Check.


What? It's all your fault! Lf you were a good player, may be we would've won.

We won! We won! Give me your lunches.

That'll teach you a lesson. Get outta here!

Don't worry, they'll never call you a loser again.

Thanks, mister.

Hey, mister, wait a minute. I'm stuck.

Is that the Mack Daddy pimp? What's up?

What's up? Lunch is on me, freaks.

So where is my super-scam shell game apparatus?

Pest, don't doubt me. We got it.

Excellent, man. This scam is fool proof.

I'm gonna be the King of Corruption. The Duke of Deception.

Whoa. Pest, that's what you say about all your scams.

What about your bets with the mob? Yeah. You owe them $50,000.

Are you guys my accountants?

For God's sake, have a little faith in the Pest. A little faith.

I got all my bases covered. I got contingency plans.

Pest. All we're saying is that... this scamming thing's dangerous.

All right. Lfit will make my bestest of friends feel better...

I'm going to promise I'm never going to scam again as long as I live.

That would be good.

I'm proud of you. We can stop getting you out oftrouble.

The key to this scam is to convince people I am blind.

You never learn.

WelCome to the festival of Miami.

These people are all so teeny!

There must be a worthy candidate here.

Pest, look, there's Xantha.

Hey, baby! Hey, baby!

We'll catch up to you later.

Hey, baby. How's my Nubian bucket of love?

My ebony delight, my Africanicus romanticus.

Where was your sorry Latin buttocks last night?

Baby, easy with the nagging.

You missed dinner with my parents!

Yeah! You missed dinner with her parents last night, loser!

Do you mind if l talk to my girlfriend alone?

Anything you have to say to me, you can say in front of Malaria.

Anything? Anything!

Fine. Malaria's got mossy teeth and a fat butt!

These jeans make me look fat.

No, Malaria. Your fat butt makes you look fat.

Baby, I'm sorry.

There's nothing more I want to do than be with my girlfriend's parents.

Let's reschedule a site for tomorrow. Huh, curly locks?

Can't. Why?

Baby, what a dufus! What a freak! I totally forgot...

Forget it. I'm outta here.

Xantha-poo, come on, baby.

I'll skip my previous commitment.

Really? You'll come to dinner?

Abso freaking lutely. I'll make your parents love me and ask me to marry you.

How? I'll tell 'em you're pregnant.

What? He'll tell 'em you're pregnant.

Pest-man, we gotta go. Sorry.

Love, peace and chicken grease.

Bye, honey.

You're pregnant?

Step right up.

Money is flying out of my pocket. Play the coconut shell game.

There's a winner born every minute.

I got $20 that says I can find that ball.

Okay, people, we've got a taker.

Cross my hand, I fool the rich man, poor man, but not the policeman.

Which shell is it under? You must tell me because I'm blind.

Soccer boy, come here. Yeah, you.

Oh, there you are. How'd you catch that ball?

Telepathy. You lose one sense, you gain another.

How'd you know I was male? I could hear your gonads shaking.

You should wear more support, shorty.

Maybe, maybe. Yeah, that's more like it.

That is the specimen I want.

Find out about him, and I'll make the necessary preparations.

Yes, Mr. Shank.

Oh! What a pathetic choice.

Which shell is it under?

Sorry, sucker, you lose.

No, you lose, brah!

Did I hear something fall?

Knock, knock. Who's there?

We work for Angus. Are you Pest Vargas?

Are you the doctor?

Oh, my, Grandma, what large pores you have.

Definitely not a plastic surgeon.

Oh, my God, you're hideous. Repulsive, even!

You have a lump! You poor mis shapen creature!

We can profit from your misfortune.

For $1, take a picture with Elephant Man in a kilt!

Get him!

Do something! You know karate!

Angus wants his money.

You wouldn't hit a blind man, would you?

How do you feel about asthmatics? I can't breathe!

Emotionally-challenged people?

What about epileptics? Hold my tongue!

Get 'em! You guys are in trouble now.

Chubby and I will take care of them! Chubby and I?

Let's air our differences, fellas.

My favorite delivery boy.

What happened to you? You late!

Me love you long time.

Wait. Why I don't understand any of your Chinese?

I from south. Different dialect. Right? Everybody know that.

So am I. I am from south, too.

But I from far, far, far south!

Eat some grits, y'all.

Wherever you come from, you late for last time.

You don't look Chinese. You look like Moe from Three Stooges. You're fired.

Please, give me another chance! I'll never do it again, I promise.

You don't know the troubles I've seen! My grandmother's sick.

I've got a good excuse this time. Listen.

I was taking a walk with my pet dog...

Duck. My duck!

When he ranned off on me, I was about to...

Oh, my God!

Quacky! Quacky! What have they did to you?

Which one is he? I don't know.

They all look the same!

I'll have to call my lawyer and tell him I can't find Quacky.


This must be Quacky, with that sweet little smile.

Gimme that!

Poor little Quacky. Don't worry. I'll bury you in France likeyou wanted.

You kill Quacky? No! L, I might have.

Why? I'm sorry.

I loved little Quacky.

Mr. Cheung? Yes?

Can I talk toyou? Yes.

Can I talk toyou over here? Over here?

Over here? Okay.

Can I use your phone? You're not calling your lawyer?

Not yet.

First I have to call my family and tell them about...

About Quacky.

Yes, ofcourse, ofcourse.

Don't worry. Anything you need, just let me know.

Okay, there is one thing. Yes?

Quacky always wanted to be served extra-crispy.

Could you do that? No problem.

No MSG? An extra order of rice? Thank you.

You're very welcome. Don't worry. I take care of you.

You're wonderful. Really.



You rapscallion! You naughty man, you!

I'm hurted you sent ruffians after me. I was gonna surprise you with a check!

Listen. You've owed $50,000 for three weeks!

You'd show more respect if we were the Italian mob.

Don't start again.

People don't take us seriously because we're Scottish.

People will take us seriously when they see what we do to you.

Angusie, home in sky! All I need is time.

What is today?

The first day of the rest of our lives?

Sean Connery's birthday?

Sean Connery's birthday?

Listen. Today is Monday.

I want the money Wednesday or I'll kill your family.

How 'bout Thursday, and you just take outa Cousin?

Oh, bad connection.

I bring you the cash... I can't...


Extra-crispy. Just like you wanted.

My poor Quacky.

Poor Quacky. Can I get extra plum sauce?

You have no time. You have delivery to do! Go! Hurry!

Plum sauce!

Soon I shall return... to the glorious dank splendor of the homeland... and be away from all this nauseating pastel.

Excuse me.

Your Chinese food has arrived.

Yummy! Where?

Got it, got it, got it!

What is that?

That's the one you requested. The blind Latino.

I most certainly did not! I wanted the athletic Latino!

But you pointed at him. Why would I pick a blind man?

Sir, he's not really blind. He's a scam artist.

A very fast and agile one.

Mr. Vargas here runs numbers out of his Chinese restaurant, but unfortunately... some of his own bets turned sour.

How sour? He owes the Scottish mob $50,000.

I didn't know there was a Scottish mob! lf he doesn't pay in two days, they'll kill him.

Hello! Hi!

Just doing our MSG test. Everything seems to pass inspection.

That's $52.23 for the food...

$100 delivery charge 'cause we don't normally come out here.

Why is that? You afraid of white people?

'Cause you all carry diseases my people don't have immunities for.

Perhaps you're just being paranoid.

Could you back off?

You spit when you talk. I'm susceptible to air borne syphilises.

" Pest." Is that your name... or a personality trait?

My real name is Pestario Rivera Garcia Espinoza...

Juan Marcos Neruda Salsa Picante Vargas.

But you can call me Pestario. Pest, for shorter.

Now we're even.

What is a Latin boy doing delivering Chinese food?

Chinese food?

Oh, my God!

The MSG, the chopsticks, the disappearing dogs!

Now it all makes sense. And I thought they were eccentric Mexicans.

What a fool! What a sucker-butt!

Oh, a hot wench! Yeah, baby!

My wife!

Oops! I'm bad.


I saw you earlier today on the street. You did?

You probably didn't see me because you were blind at the time.

So you unearthed my horrible secret.

I am blind! I am!

I am blind!

I've been blind to other people's faults.

Please don't tell! I was going to become dumpling boy next week.

Why isn't a smart boy like you... in college?

It's painful to discuss.

I hit puberty in the first grade, and there's only so many times... a seven-year-old can be called "fire hose" before he cracks.

That's really too bad because my family provides... a $50,000 cash scholarship... to minority students, and I thought...

$50,000? Yeah.

$50,000? Yup, that's it.

Look at that. Will you touch it?

The fire hose is gone! It's a miracle.

Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! I want to learn! I want to go to school!

You do? Yes.

Good! I'm so glad you're so eager!

Let us celebrate, all right?


Ofcourse I have to administer a few small tests before you qualify.


Hey, can I get one of these tables for my dorm room?

Turn it up! This is fun. Come on.

All right... crank it up.


Wait a minute.

I don't feel so well.

I feel...

You will do as many repetitions as you can manage in one minute. Go!



I wasn't ready. Try again.

Try one more time.

He's the worst candidate we have ever had.

I will show you the shot that won me the reform school championship... and the tag "8-Ball Kid."

I'm sorry. I'm awful sorry.

But I know you don't care because you Germans are the greatest!

Next time somebody says Germans are humorless people...

I'm gonna tell them to come to this house.

I must tell you...

So you started a few wars, all right?

Actually, you started every war. It's not like you ever won one!

We kicked France's ass.

Please! Who doesn't, right?

Your scores were so abysmal that...

And your women! So you dig fat chicks.

What do the rest of us care? We don't have to touch them.

It's like riding a moped. It's fun till your friends catch you doing it.

You failed!

You lost the scholarship. You can't go.

Stop repeating what I'm saying.

I mean it!

All right, okay!

You're the ideal candidate for the scholarship.

I am? I am? Oh, snap! Oh, joy!

Get stupid. Get ooh-eh! Get eh-eh.

I can't think of any thing I would rather do before returning to the homeland... than ridding the earth of this creature!

Go get the contract.

Time to sign the contract.

Sign there on the dotted line. Here.

I took a legal correspondence course and I'm only two credits away.

What's all this stuff about maiming and death?

Legal mumbojumbo.

All right.

Just sign.

What's this about "I waive my legal rights" and what not?

Some kid sued us last year over a stubbed toe, so we had to add it.

Just sign. All right.

What's this about...

So you don't want the $50,000. I do want it!

College is a big commitment. I'll be committed.

We'll give it to someone else. Give it to me.

I want it! Forget it!

Perhaps a toast?

I'm in like sin.

Now, we have a little tradition.

All the winners join me for a little gentlemanly hunt on my private island.

Goody. What'll we hunt?

Deer. Goose.

Goose. Deer.

Deer goose.

Ja. Deer goose.

We hunt a deer goose. It's...

Indigenous. Indigenous to my island.

To the hunt!


Hurry up!

I can't wait to bag me a deer goose!

I hear the meat's a delicacy. No body fricassees like I fricassee.

I'm going to kill him now! Remember, the joy of the hunt.

Can I fly it? No, sit down and be quiet.

You can't talk to me like that.

You gotta keep the concentration for the pilot.

He's the pilot?

23,099 bottles of beer on the wall

23,099 bottles of beer on the wall Take one down, pass it around...

There's the island. We made it!

At last! We're there!

So you'll let me fly? Come on!

There's so many buttons. How do you know which one's the one?

You Can Change for the hunt in the study.

Thank you.

Try not to break any thing.

"The United States of Germany."

Somebody's a sore loser.

Books! I love to read.

"The Rise and Fall of The Third Reich."

" Mein Kampf."

"Sex Be Nimble, Sex Be Quick."

You speak German?

You're the new scholarship student.

I'm here for the hunt, then to Harvard. You really believe that?

I would settle for Yale, but...

I love Boston in the spring.

Rowing on the Charles. Gathering leaves in the quad.

The color wars.

Norman, is that you?

My father tells you you're going to college and you believe him?

Oh, snap. You're Shank Junior, huh?

My name is Himmel.

I mean, hi, Himmel.

Your father seems like a great guy for a disturbed individual.

No offense. But I trust him.

What makes you think he'd tell you the truth when I am his own son... and he's been lying to me his entire life?

Well, it seems like the two of you have issues to work out.

I'm going to go outside.

Do you know what he did to me when I was a child?

No, but why don't we get Leo and tell him?

He locked me in a room with a boa constrictor... and told me I couldn't get out until I killed it.

The important thing is that you got out and you're fine. You know?

He kept me in that room for six weeks!

But look at the wonderful complexion you have.

Don't be afraid. I loved that snake.

You share too much.


So tell me, what was your snake's name?



Like the French playwright?

After my two favorite body parts.

Red light, green light!

Red light, green light!

You're it.


Now we are locked in together, like me and the snake.

Oh, great! Just great.

Look, cute boy.

You seem like a reasonable type. Don't flatter me!

You have a big nose, your feet stink and your mother dresses you funny.

There is no scholarship.

You are only here because my father wants to hunt you.

My God, you'll say anything, won't you?

Now, how do you sound your father wants to hunt me?

Why would he give me this fancy hunting out fit if he wanted to hunt me?

Explain yourself. I can protect you.

Don't go!

Oh, you play!

Listen, I just met your crazy son.

Listen, I just met your crazy son.

No offense.

He made up the wackest story about you wanting to hunt me. You believe that?

Ridiculous, isn't it?

Can you imagine the demons that kid's working out? You hunting people?

My God. It would almost be funny if it wasn't so... lfit wasn't so...

This is the most disgusting thing...

I have ever seen.

Those heads haven't been dusted in months!

I'm going to get a wet rag and I'll be right back. Bye.

I don't wanna die! I'm too young!

Get off me, you freak!

Want a piece of me? Get a piece of me.

My springbok pelt!

I'm sorry. I couldn't make it to the newspaper.

I bagged this on my ninth birthday. He was a prodigy.

By the time I was 30, I had hunted nearly every animal there was.

Yeah? You won't be so when I report you to the ASPCA!

I was bored. Bored, sir?

All right, so I was depressed! I needed a challenge.

Have you tried Parcheesi? It's a game of skill and chance.

Here on this island, I've hunted every ethnicity of human except one.

My God! Haven't the Jewish people suffered enough?

You are Puerto Rican?

What, me? Oh, no.

I am French!

Look at me. I'm brooding, yet craving rich sauces.

You are next, Mr. Vargas.

But I break out when I'm shell acked.

What's more embarrassing than a zitty head on the wall?


I'll make a nasty face, and I'll destroy your display.

lf you survive for 24 hours, you get your $50,000.


My God! Why didn't you say so?

Hunt away, great white hunter!


Hunt away.

And if you don't, it's the shelf.

Father, I don't want to participate in this. It's wrong.

You have to learn sometime.

Why would I ever have to learn how to hunt people?

The hunt is just a metaphor... for the glorious cycle of endless life and rebirth.

And remember, always, always shoot him in the brain.

I hate you. Shut up.

I'm getting more tea.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me, but...

Why do I look like I'm from the "Jungle Book"... and you get the nice Banana Republic stuff?

Does that seem fair to you?

I thought you'd like it. It's the costume of your ancestors.

Mywhat? I think it adds a the atrical element.

Stay out of this.

I want some boots, some khakis, some turtlenecks and some...

You have guns. That's not fair.

I'm not going to play till I get something. I can't hear you.

This is it? Yeah!

This is it? All yours!

Oh, well, well. Why don't we just get a candlestick and play Clue?

I'll be Colonel Mustard. You be Mrs. Peacock.

First we start with a traditional toast.

To you, Mr. Vargas. Good luck.

Good luck to you, too.

Actually, I take that back. I hope you don't do well.

I hope you get violated by pig-monkey men in the woods.

All right, I've got the upper hand. What's to keep me from shooting you now?

Other than that.

What are you doing?

Your 24 hours have begun. Go.

I have one thing to add. What?

I lied on the form. I'm not the perfect specimen I appear to be.

I have the public school gypsy curse. Stuttering dyslexia.

I b-bead r-rackwards.

I g-get mords wixed up.

I'm narcoleptic.

And you are? See? See?

I have Tourette's!

Yes, nice German. Freak! Weirdo!

Those things don't grow on trees!

I'm scared of you! I'll come back when you're feeling better.

Think, Pest. Think, think, think! Think, old buddy.

Your people came from the rain forest. You must've inherited some skills.

Now I'm nice and limber.

That's more like it.

My animalistical instincts are finally kicking in.

Himmel, when we find him, I want you to make the kill.

I don't want to make the kill.

I want to be a hairdresser, write musicals.

What? You'd love it if it were true.

You'd tell your friends about your hairdresser son who listens to Merman.

Will you look at the size of that snake?

You and your snake obsession! lf you don't like it, may be you should not have locked me in with a snake.

Are you on that again?

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to bore you with my life's defining trauma.

It's not dry enough.

I can never please him.

Something is wrong.

What could be wrong? We're hunting a human being.

Other fathers take their sons to baseball games, but...

Tell it to Ricky Lake.

I can see it now. " Nazi Fathers and Their Snake-Obsessed Sons."

What is this?

Get me down.

This Pest is good.

Get me down! Don't be such a sissy!

I don't know ifyou've noticed lately, but I am a sissy!

Whatyou doin'? Putting you out ofyour misery.

Come on.

Doyou hear that moaning? It's me.

No, the other moaning.

My stomach is funky.

Thank God for some privacy.

My back hurts where the tree hit me. Quiet.

"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind... to suffer the slings and arrows... ofoutrageous fortune..."

Scat. Shoo.

I can't concentrate when I'm being watched.

I farted. Doyou think I smell like this all the time?

What's that smell?

Look. There.

My horoscope.

" Beware ofstrangers offering... phony scholarships."

Guess I'll have to use my socks. At least they're soft.

I wantyou to take him out.

Why me?

I wantyou to experience the utter ecstasy that comes... from feeling the hot, throbbing force ofa man's life... when it's in your hands.

Poison darts? Perfect.

Just a second. Oops.


What a mess!

The explosion blew him right out ofhis sneakers.

Looks like your hunt is over.

I'm going back to the house before I miss Hogan's Heroes.

He's alive.

Colonel Hogan, would you join us for dinner tonight?

Colonel Baker is 0going to tell us the truth... about the German army's glorious Campaign on the Russian front.

Why kill all your appetites?

Pest, you're supposed to be dead!

I can't.

I won't.

I shouldn't.

All right, I will.

You've got to be quiet. You! You!

You tried to hunt me.

Get back!

What are you trying to do, perfume me to death?

These are sex secretion pheromones.

Father uses them to lure horny animals into traps.

Here. Watch the tape.

This is disgusting.

I'm gonna take some of these for my girlfriend.

She hates when I go away and don't bring her nothing.

They only work on males. Can I fix you one?

No, you've done enough for one day.

You're mad we tried to cut your head off?

I'm not mad. Do I look mad to you?

I know you're not into all this Wild Kingdom stuff.

So why don't you and I escape back to Miami... get away from your crazy, ugly, psychotic father, no offense... and you and I will play snakey-wakey whenever you want to.



We'll takeyour father's speed boat. I get sea sick.

You'll be fine.

I told you, I get sea sick.

Well, no duh!

What are those seagulls doing? They've come to eat your vomit.

Will you stop that?

Fine. But I'd watch out for the seagullses if l was you.


I'll be leaving now. It stings.

I'm blind!

Pest, where'd you go?

My father's gonna kill me!

You don't know what the hell you're talking about.

You know the reputation about Latino men, right?

They didn't have any Latino man on the show because everybody knows... that he would be having his way with Ginger, MaryAnn, Mrs. Howell... and the Professor.

Then let me ask you a question. Lf you had to choose, who would you pick?

MaryAnn or Ginger?

Ginger. No contest.

Is that you, man? Are you all right?

What happened?

I can't go on.

Must have dry land. Oh, dry land!

You okay? What happened?

What happened? Oh, God!

The room is spinning!

What happened? What happened? I'll tell you what happened.

Contract. "I want to hunt you."

And his son. " Pet my snake."

" Playmate, come out and play." Seagulls!

He made doody-doody. It was horrible. Don't let them take me back.

What are you saying?

Listen. Take a swim in the pool. It'll helpyou relax.

Trust me. A swim?

A splash. Obviously, you haven't been listening!

I've been swimming for five hours! What don't you understand?

Maybe one lap?

Then there were 20 of them. Did I say 20? I meant an army.

Don't be faking jacks.

There's no scammification going on. You're not being hunted.

I am too being hunted. Are not.

Am too. Am not.

See? See? I told you. I am being hunted.

Give up, Pest! There's no where to hide.

Thank the Lord, he's here to kill me!

Snap. Run!

That guy's psycho. Why is he after you?

I don't know. Must be my animal magnetism.

Get in. Let's go! Let's get the hell out of here.

I told you I was being hunted. Did you believe me? No.

Because no one ever believes me. We believe you. Who's got the plan?

Okay, I got the master plan. Kick it.

Remember my cousin Roger? The mad fool?

The mad cool guy. We could go to his place and lay low till morning.

Perfect. I can't. What?

We gotta make one, stupid, meaningless stop.

Where, Pest?

No place special. Xantha's.

What's wrong with you? I'm in love.

I'm sure her parents will understand... if you explain tonight's not good as you're being hunted.

They're black. They'll understand. Yeah?

What's up, freak?

It's me.

You better recognize, baby. You act like...

Yo, Mrs. Kent. I'm not sweating you, but you're one fine heifer.

What's up, Mack Daddy?

Kill whitey. Free Angela Davis. Say it loud. " Be black and be proud."

Yes, Lord! Why don't we go in here?

That boy's on drugs. Who's Angela Davis?

All the cars you could get, why did you pick this one?

I thought you'd like it. It's German.

Did you ever hear of BMW, idiot?

I'm sorry I can never please you!

Shh. I'm getting something. Here, have a look.

The tracking device I placed in his underwear seems to be working.

Why does Leo get all the good jobs?

We have a fix on him, sir. Go west!

What's with the African get up?

All this is for you, Xantha-poo.

I'm trying to impressify your parents.

Does it scare you that I arouse the passions of the Dark Continent?

It scares me that you're wearing a dress to dinner.

This is nothing compared to my morning ensemble.

How about a little kiss? Come on, suck face.

Well, I've prepared an authentic Cuban meal.

Platanos e frijos losnegros.

Why Cuban?

Do I look Cuban to you? Do these look like Cuban features toyou?

What does a brother have to do to get some respect around here, bitch?

I'm this close to rioting. This close. lf l wasn't so hungry, I'd leave.

Will you pass me the platanos, please?

Something's gone wrong with the location tracker.

It seems to be overheating.

Honey, are you all right? You're dripping wet.

It's from being next to you. I'm burning up with passion.

Know what I'm saying?

Don't act like you haven't been there. Not lately.

I think it's burning out.

That bastard's gonads are sweating.

Boost the power!

I'm burnin' up!

I told the guy at Africans 'R' Us that I wanted summer weight robes.


It burns! Oh, my God, it burns! It's burning!

It burns!

That boy's got syphilis!

Don't be cruel! Get 'em off me!

lf you was abducted by a space alien chick... would you or would you not have your way with her?

Before it cut off, the signal came from this house.

I'm going in there. You two stay here.

Here, Mr. Shank, I have prepared a dosage... which will immediately render him unconscious.

Then we can take him with us... und at our leisure, cut off his head.

Leo, you're a saint.

Be careful, sir.

These Volkswagens are smaller than they used to be.

Check it out.

She's got the body parts of a hot Earth woman.

Fear not, the Pest line shall continue.

My childrens have been saved.


That'll teach me not to spring for extra-strength fungus spray. You know?

Look, man. Look over there.

That's Colonel Klink!

He's climbing through Xantha's window, man!

Wait here. I'll be right back.

Karate time.

Mrs. Kent, my sister.

Let me explain the origins of my blackness one more time.

My Spanish ancestors came and had sex with my Indian ancestors.

And then they had sex with my black ancestors.

Who then had more sex with the Indians.

And there's rumor that somebody slept with aJew. Fancy that!

Mrs. Kent, it's kosher. It's all right. He was an Ethiopian Jew.

I can't find my pills anywhere!

You know how white people's food gives me gas!

What happened?

What did you do to my family?

I don't know. I mentioned I might be prone to celebrate Rosh Hashanah... and, bam, prejudice rears his ugly head again!

Oh, I see, you're gonna try and kill me. Try it, because...

Could I do that again? I was looking through the wrong thing.

You're a pretty lousy shot for a criminal.


Any more surprises?


I really hate you.

Let's just get this little game over, shall we?

You missed me!

You Can't hit me You'reabigsuCker-butt ICan't believe you're German

Where were you? Where the hell were you when I needed you?

I am so glad you're here. Check it.

Would you or would you not have sex with a space alien chick?


We have no way of tracking him anymore.

Just shut up! Give me the phone.


Oh, yo! What's up, yo? Listen up.

I got the 4-1-1 on Pest Vargas, mamasita.

Who is this? This is the bum and all that.


The word up is that Pest Vargas has goosed your nugget... and is gonna skip the foot in the morning, homey.

Why are you telling me this? What's he done to you?

Well, he called my mother a big, fat Scottish slut.

We'll take care of it.

Fellas, put all the men out on the street looking for the Pest.

He's out there somewhere and I wanna find him.

They're putting the word out.

I'll be able to monitor all their incoming calls.

So, we'll know where he is as soon as they do.

We gotta find a place to hide. I'm serious!

Where's the last place Gustav would think of looking?

Think! Use your head! All right! Calm down!

Yo, Pest. Check it out.

Oh, no. Oh, no!

Hello, Jews!

Nobody's gonna see us here. What are you...

Shalom! And mazol tov, my little gefiltes and yentas.

And you are?

I am a meshuggener, but of course.

Let me introduce myself. My name is Rabbi Vargassteenstine.

And this is my farChadat associate...

Rabbi Chubby Bergbaumsteenstein.

Yes, I know! He's an Ethiopian Jew from Ethiopia, of course.

Really? Where in Ethiopia?

Yo, man, I'm from South Bay, bro...

Unfortunately, the Lord saw fit to take away his voice box.

But he has a canasta game to die for.

We'd like to stay, but I got a pain in my tchotchke. I gotta go.

Angus, I think I've found our man.

Sir, look. It seems our Latino has found religion.

He appears to be leaving a synagogue.

So, funny looking, got any more genius ideas?

Yo, man. I'll pick another place.

No, thanks. I'm pickin' the place.

Right here at the Paris Club. There's a private party going on.

I'll pull into the parking lot.

Hey, yo! It's all lovely.

I hear there's a mad-sick party going on.

Can you hook up a brother and his brother?

Mad? Dude, parties are never mad.

They're angry! Duh!

The thing is... this is a private party, Cheech!

I can't believe this.

Seriously, I bet you could get in the servants' entrance.

You guys are harsh! Yeah, you guys are harsh!

Actually, you guys suck.

Yo, chumps, get stupid. I can get stupid.

You know what to do. Spank 'em, brother!

Let's party!

Go, white boy! Go, white boy!

Crank it, dude!

Wanna make its way, Make it say How do you like that, baby Spank and napping till this happened Spank it all around How do you like that, baby

How do you like that, baby

Spank it

Oh, snap. This one fainted.

I'm not gonna let you have any white people unless you take care of them.

Shall we go clubbing, or shall we go clubbing?

Yeah, let's go clubbing.

There's a party over here!

Pest and Chub in the house!

So good, baby. You know how it is.

Oh, snap. Is that one of Angus's men? What's he doing here?

Let's not wait to find out. Let's Houdini outta here.

Plaid every where! Plaid here, plaid there.

I need reinforcements. Call Ninja. Ninga, for reinforcements?


Wakey, wakey.

Do you realize that while you'r enapping... your bestest of friends are being stalked?

That's nice.

How's my Xantha-poo?

A tranquilizer dart is in her butt.

Thank God! That'll suck up all the poison.

We need you to Come to the Paris Club like right now.

Meet us in the Karaoke Room. Later, masturbator.

Hi, there!

Hey, big guy. Excuse me.

We gotta split up and find Vargas before the Scottish gentlemen do.

Split up.

See ya.

Have you seen a little Latin boy? This is the models' changing room!

Get out of my face! What do you think you're doing?

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Good day.

I'm gonna get Ninja in the Karaoke Room and meet you in the Jeep.

Go for it.

Sorry, sorry.

Got a lifetime to share So muCh to say For only time My God, you suck!

I'm not just saying it lightly. You really suck!

I wanna put a hot poker through my ears!

What'd you do with your singing les... Get off me. You don't know me.

Let me show you to a chair. Don't show me nothing.

Show me the way outta here.

Goodness gracious! Good show, ja?

Ja, is a good show.

Could you go away, little man? You bother me.

He wants a tip. A tip? Why didn't you say so?

You buy Honda stock. Okay, get away. Your breath smells.

He's so too sucky. I can't...

Ninja! Ninja!

Ninja. I am a Ninja warrior. Really!

Who would like to be next?

Don't be shy.

All right, sir.

Come on up. You go.

Don't be bashful. Come up.

You make mistake. I go. No, I can't.

Come on up. I can, I can.

All right!

I was hoping to see my family. Shoguns and all that.

It's a dangerous crowd out there.

Which Karaoke selection are you going to do?

What selections do we have today? They're on the monitor.

"TV Favorites." Why not? Okay.

All right, TV Favorites. Take it away.

I didn't know they had words to this!

We got a right to piCk a little fight, Bonanza lf any one fights any one He's got to fight with me I might want to saddle up in one Bonanza What are you doing?

I'm taking a break.

One for four, Four fo rone You suck!

No, you suck! I kick your... PiCka little fight Bonanza Do you recognize the little Japanese guy?

No. You sure?

Thank you very much.

That is Pest Vargas, you idiot!

I'm going to sing another song, something from my childhood.

You annoying little weasel, Pest Vargas!

You a big irritate, round eye. I am not Pest.

I am Uni Wasabi.

I had the pleasure of hunting Uni Wasabi, and you are no Uni Wasabi.

I am too!

Perhaps this will help you decide.

Perhaps this... will helpyou decide.

You defend yourself with a punyvile of cat piss?

Leo, go get him. It's the sex pheromones.


I find myself strangely drawn to you.

Father, I feel funny. What?

Let me at him.

You horny dog. I should've had you fixed.

Let me go.

I didn't know you could sing.

Stick with me, son, and I'll learn ya.

Where's Gustav? He's meeting some new people.

Let's go. I think you should come with us.

No, thanks. My mother said never to go with strangers.

But you seem nice.

Pest, Pest, Pest, you're a great disappointment.

You thought I was gonna be taller? I get that a lot, don't I?

Why don't you do that impression I like so much?

I don't want to. The Italians never make me do impressions.

Do it. Captain, I cannot do it.

The dilithium crystals are breaking up. She's gonna blow.

Not so fast.

Where's my money?

Look, I'll have the money... What's the day after today?

Tomorrow. My word is my bond.

I don't trust your word.

Okay. Then... take as collateral that which is the most precious to me in the world.

And what would that be, Mr. Vargas?

It's my best friend...


Pest, don't leave me! They've got skirts!

Don't worry, little friend.

I can't believe you just did that.

Don't worry. I got it all covered. The 24 hours is almost up.

Then we'll get Gustav's money, then we'll pick him up like that.

I'm not talking about that! What are you talking about?

You said he was your best friend. I thought I was your best friend.


You are my best friend. That's why I picked Ninja.


Hello, Pest. The one and only.

And you are? Wait, don't tell me. You'll spoil the moment.


Pest, you have a marvelous family.

My family was never part of the contract.

Neither was your girlfriend's family or her best friend.

But I don't care. I'm gonna kill 'em all!

He's gonna kill my family. You do that and you're gonna be in big trouble.

Jail even. Can you say "prison bitch"?

Tomorrow I return to my homeland... where I regain my status as a Citizen of Germany.

But first I have to settle up with you.

No, Gustav. You're always thinking of others. We're even. Go back to Germany.

Don't even worry about saying good-bye. Send me a postcard. Fax if you can.

You better get to the freighter at pier 16 in 20 minutes... or you're gonna be one lonely little Latino.

I'll be there. But for any reason I'm late, could you start with Malaria?

Head to Liberty Ship on pier 16. Step on it, double it, man!

Don't be so jumpy.

He's got a gun! Leave me alone!

Why are you doing this? Why are you hunting my Pest?

The man you know as Pest is actually an operative in your secret service.

The underworld has placed a high price on his head. I intend to collect.

See, Felix? I told you that my Pest wasn't just a bum!

Actually, I lied. I'm just hunting him... because no one will miss an inconsequential flotsam like him.

That makes more sense. How could you agree with this monster?

Be quiet. Sit down. He gets angry.

You stay here and guard them.

I'm going to go look around.

Oh, Jack! Oh, SlapJones, we finally got the good stuff, kid.

Be all you can be! Don't ask, don't tell, right?

What's that mean?

Nothing. Just checking.

You have to believe me.

None of this was my idea.

I feel you understand. I get seasick!

Why would I want to be on a boat?

Snake boy's got every body I care about down there.

We gotta think of something fast.

I'm gonna give Gustav a little attitude adjustment, so you're gonna have...

I'm not a bad person.

To tell you the truth, I don't think he's my father.

Gustav, where are you?

I have arrived!

Welcome to the Love Boat. I'm your waiter Isaac.

Gustav, where are you?

Don't be shy.

Goosey, I can see your bald spot.

You're getting warmer. Oh, you're getting hot.

You're getting really hot. You're boiling! You're on fire!

Goosey, look, I'm over here.

I'm a shadow of my former self.


I'm the big Cornholio. I need T.D. for my bungholio.

Oh, woeisme. Someone's turned me in to a walkie-talkie.

Help me! Help me!

Why don't you come out, Pest?

What have you got left after smoking a huge cigar? A big butt!

Where are you, Pest?

You got me, Gustav! You got me laughin' at you.

My father is insane.

Do you know what he did to me as a child?

All right, funny boy. lf you don't come out, your girlfriend gets it.

All right, saggy cheeks. But if l come out, you gotta let her go.


Let her go.

You're all right! Everything's okay.

Now come closer.

Any closer and I'd be intimate with you.

Only one pest can't be exterminated. But I thought...

Now drop your weapons.

I don't know how long I can keep this thing from firing.

I loved it.

I guess we just sit here and wait till I become a rich man.

I meant to do that.

Let me ask you a question.

How do you feel?

Fine. Why, do I look bloated? Am I bloated?

Do you remember our little toast on the island, Pest?

How could I forget? It gave me indigestion.

I poisoned your drink.


And the poison kills in exactly 18 hours.

You are so diabolical.

Ja. You've got 15 seconds.

Enjoy it.

And by the way, the safe deposit box is in the Miami Central Bank.

Your $50,000 is in there.

Not that it would do you any good.

What are you talking about? Hold this.

I never felt better in my life! lf l was poisoned, could I do this?

Or this? Or this?

I got the head bag.

Forget it. That face would just annoy me.

You cheated!

Not now. We'll discuss this at home. You'd have to shoot me first.

Can't believe you shot him! He's wearing a bullet proofvest.

It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

All right, fine! Himmel, you stay here amongst the losers.

Come on, Leo.

Where to?

We have much to do. We're on our way to the homeland.

Good morning. I need to get into my safe deposit box.

Of course, Mr. Shank. The guard will let you in.

Ja. Splendid.

I'll just be a minute, Andy.



Pest! Yup.

But, the poison should've... Killed me?

Not likely, sinCe I puked up all the poison on that thrilling boat ride.

With the help of my friend, the German Ambassador, I liberated your money.

My money? Right. And there was more than $50,000.

And CheCk this. The Ambassador also spoke withthe authorities about your...

How should l put itECCentriC hunting aCtivities.

Hello, fellas. Good-bye. Don't forget to write.

I'll get you!

No! No! I do not recognize your authority.

Go, Pest Freak to the east Yes!

There he is! I'm gonna kill you!

How dare you! I'm sorry, Mr. Ambassador.

He's not the Ambassador. He's an impostor!

How dare you question my authority! lf l wasn't the Ambassador... would I have the confidence to do this? and this?

Would I have the down right perverse impudence... and lack of love for my fellow man to do this?

Wedgie! God!

There fore I must be the Ambassador.

He is not even German.

Our feet are the same.

Good-bye to you and you and you!

Let's take him away!

Vargas, here's your garbage back!

Ninja, you all right? What's up, man?

I knew you were my best friend, right?

I know. He stole my clothes.

Get your white behind in this jeep.

How many times do I have to tell you? I'm half black.

Honey, get over yourself.

I like to boogie with my Creeps Cruise and Creep Playin'three-Cardmonty on these Crazy streets Greathustler I'm gonna sCam in a minute So low to the floor PiCk the poCket on a midget SliCkshyster The PestMeister Living life in Miami's viCe Ma, see No body mess in' with the frog, see Where's your Messiah now Voodoo mambo Chili Congo Old sChool beat meets Latin freak You don't stop Sweet mambo, do the mambo, yeah Chili Congo When your sChool beat meets Latin freak You don't quit and you don't stop

I'm hurting, allright, already I'm "ridiCuliCulous"

Like a booger I stiCk to this Take a whiff of this I'm stinky dinky Two stinky dinky Three stinky dinky Mirror, mirror on the wall who is thes liCkest of them all It's the sCheming estkeenest sCam artist God, it's so hard to be modest!

Put up the fistiCuff sand then Put 'em up Put 'em up even Voodoomambo chili Congo Old sChool beat meets Latins treet and you don't stop

JaCk may be nimble but l'm a sex symbol So sliCk Is tole the wiCk from his CandlestiCk I'm in the mood to sCam simply beCause I Can I'm the Latin Houdini Disappear in a flash with your Cash and l'm baCk like a genie Lucy, I'm home! Don't do that to me, Lucy!

Freak to the east Freak to the west Freak big booties and big Chest Yes, y all, and it's like that! Why certainly!

Get stupid, get retarded 'Cause Pest'll get the party started Which way did he go, George? Which way did he go?

FunkadoCious, grooviloCious atroCious

I'm a man of a million disguises I'm as Crazy as they make 'em I shake 'em, I break 'em So sCientific, hate to be speCific E=mC2 Multiply, divide it, slide up inside it blend it, mix it Damn, I'm terrific

Hippity, hoppity FeeCropoly, suffering suCCotash I'm smarter than the average man, Booboo


All like this and like that, right? Like this and like that!

You know what they say? Never trust a big butt and a smile.

That's what you trust.