The Pirates of Penzance (1983) Script

Shoo, shoo.


Pirates!


What? No! No! I'll get you for this.

Not in the water! No!

Happy birthday!

Pour, oh pour, the pirate sherry Fill, oh fill, the pirate glass And to make us more than merry, let the pirate bumper pass!

For today our pirate friend, he rises from indentures freed Strong his arm and keen his scent is He's a pirate now, indeed Here's good luck to Frederic's ventures Frederic's out of his indentures Happy 21st birthday!

One and 20 now he's rising And alone he's fit to fly Which we're bent on signalizing with unusual revelry Here's good luck to Frederic's ventures Frederic's out of his indentures Pour, oh pour, the pirate sherry Fill, oh fill, the pirate glass And to make us more than merry Let the pirate bumper pass

Yes, Frederic.

From today, you'll rank as a full-blown member of our band.

My friends, I thank you all from my heart for your kind wishes.

Would that I could repay them as they deserve.

What do you mean?

Today, I am out of my indentures.

Today...

I leave you forever.

Hey. What?

This is quite unaccountable.

A keener hand at scuttling a Cunarder or cutting a P&O never shipped a handspike!

Yes, I did my best for you.

And why?

Because it was my duty under my indentures.

And I am the slave of duty.

Oh.

As a child, I was regularly apprenticed to your band.

It was through an error.

An error? No matter.

The mistake was ours, not yours, and I was in honor bound by it.

What error?

Well, I dare not say, for it would reflect upon my well-loved Ruth.

Ruth?

Nay, dear master, my mind has long been gnawed by the cankering tooth of mystery.

Better have it out at once.

When Frederic was a little lad He proved so brave and daring His father thought he'd 'prentice him to some career seafaring I was, alas, his nursery maid And so it fell to my lot To take and bind the promising boy Apprentice to a pilot A ship's pilot?

A life not bad for a hardy lad Though surely not a high lot Though I'm a nurse You might do worse than make your boy a pilot

I was a stupid nursery maid On breakers always steering And I did not catch the word aright Through being hard of hearing Mistaking my instructions which within my brain did gyrate I took and bound this promising boy Apprentice to a pirate

A sad mistake it was to make And doom him to this vile lot I bound him to a pirate, you Instead of to a pilot

This afternoon my obligation ceases.

Aye.

Individually, I love you all with affection unspeakable.

But collectively, I look upon you with a disgust that amounts to absolute detestation.

Oh, pity me, beloved friends.

For such is my sense of duty, that once out of my indentures, I shall feel myself bound to devote myself heart and soul to your extermination.

No, no, no, no, Frederic.

If you conscientiously feel that it is your duty to destroy us, we cannot blame you for acting on that conviction.

Always act in accordance with the dictates of your conscience, my boy, and chance the consequences!

And besides, we can offer you but little temptation to remain with us.

We don't seem able to make piracy pay.

I don't know why I'm sure, but I don't.

Well, I do know why.

Alas, I cannot tell you!

It would not be right.

Why not?

It's only...

11:56.

And you are one of us until the clock strikes 12.

Aye!

And until then, you are bound to protect our interests.

Hear, hear.

Well, then, it's my duty as a pirate to tell you that you are too tender-hearted.

For instance, you make it a point of never attacking a weaker party than yourselves.

And when you attack a stronger one, you invariably get thrashed!

There's some truth in that.

And then again, you make it a point of never molesting an orphan.

Well, of course not! We're orphans ourselves! And know what it is like!

Yes, but it has got about. And what is the consequence?

Everyone we capture says he's an orphan!

The last three ships we took proved to be manned entirely by orphans.

One would think that Great Britain's mercantile fleet was recruited solely from her orphan asylums.

And we know this is not the case.

Frederic, you wouldn't have us absolutely merciless?

Ah, well, there's my problem.

Till 12:00, I would, after 12:00, I wouldn't.

Oh, was ever a man placed in so delicate a situation.

Frederic.

Frederic. Frederic.

And, Ruth, your own Ruth whom you love so well, who has won her middle-aged way into your boyish heart.

What is to become of her?

Oh, he will take you with him.

Well, Ruth.

I feel some little difficulty about you.

It's true I admire you very much.

But I've been constantly at sea since I was eight years old.

Yours is the only woman's face I've seen in that time.

I think it is a sweet face.

Ah, it is. Oh, it is.

I say, I think it is.

But as I've never had the opportunity of comparing you with other women, I just may be mistaken.

True.

Excuse me.

What a terrible thing it would be if I were to marry this innocent person, to find out that she is, on the whole...

...plain.

Plain? Oh, Ruth? Ruth is very...

Well...

Well?

Yes. Very well.

There are the remains of a fine woman about Ruth.

Do you really think so?

I do.

Well then, I will not be so selfish as to take her from you.

In justice to her, and in consideration for you, sir, I will leave her behind.

Oh.

Ah.

Oh.

Oh, no. No.

No!

No, Fredric. No, no. No, this must not be.

No, no! We are rough men! Rough!

Who lead a rough life.

Rough! Rough!

But we are not so utterly heartless as to deprive thee of thy love!

I think I'm right in saying that there is not one here who would rob thee of this inestimable treasure for all the world holds dear.

Not one!

I thought there wasn't.

Well, it's the top of the tide and we must be off ourselves.

There's the day's pillage to be done.

Man the foresail. Jib the top fold. Hoist the topsail.

Hoist the mainsail. Hoist the jibsail. Drop the anchor.

Weigh the anchor.

Hoist the topsail.

Frederic! Don't swim.

Take the dinghy.

And when your process of extermination begins, let our deaths be as swift and painless as you can conveniently make them.

I will.

By the love I have for you, I swear it!

Oh, would that you could render this extermination unnecessary, by accompanying me back to civilization.

No, Frederic, it cannot be.

I don't think much of our profession.

But contrasted with respectability, it is comparatively honest.

No, Frederic.

I shall live and die a Pirate King!

Oh, better far to live and die Under the brave black flag I fly Than play a sanctimonious part With a pirate head and a pirate heart

Away to the cheating world go you Where pirates all are well-to-do But I'll be true to the song I sing And live and die A Pirate King For I am a Pirate King

And it is, it is a glorious thing to be a Pirate King But I am a Pirate King You are! Hurrah for the Pirate King And it is, it is a glorious thing to be a Pirate King It is! Hurrah for the Pirate King Hurrah for the Pirate King

He is a Pirate King, he is Hurrah for the Pirate King And it is, it is a glorious thing To be a Pirate King, it is Hurrah for the Pirate King, hurrah for the Pirate King


When I sally forth to seek my prey I help myself in a royal way I sink a few more ships, it's true Than a well-bred monarch ought to do

But many a king on a first-class throne If he wants to call his crown his own Must manage somehow to get through More dirty work Than ever I do For I am a Pirate King And it is, it is a glorious thing to be a Pirate King I am a Pirate King You are, you are a Pirate King And it is, it is a glorious thing to be a Pirate King, it is Hurrah for the Pirate King Hurrah for the Pira...

Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha Ho

...rate King

Now watch it. Watch it carefully. That's it. That's it.

Now take my hand.

Be careful, don't rock the boat now.

Oh!

Ruth. Oh!

Tell me candidly, and without reserve.

Compared with other women, how are you?

I will tell you truthfully.

I have a slight cold, but otherwise I'm quite well.

Well, I am sorry for your cold, but I was referring rather to your personal appearance.

Compared with other women, are you...

You know...

Beautiful?

I have been told so, dear master.

Oh, but lately?

No. Years and years ago.

Well, what do you think of yourself?

It is a delicate question.

But I think I am a fine woman.

Thank you, Ruth, I believe you.

For I know you would not practice upon my inexperience.

I wish to do the right thing.

And if you are truly a fine woman, well, then, your age shall be no obstacle to our union!

Hark! Surely, I hear voices!

Who has ventured to approach our all but inaccessible lair?

Can it be the Coast Guard?

Oh, yes, it's the Coast Guard.

No, it does not sound like the Coast Guard.

By all that's marvelous, a bevy of beautiful young maidens!

Oh, it's lost, lost, lost.

How lovely! How surpassingly lovely is the plainest of them.

What grace, what delicacy.

What refinement!

Oh, false one, you have deceived me I have deceived you?

Yes! Deceived me You told me you were fair as gold And, master, am I not so And now I see you're plain and old I'm sure I'm not a jot so Upon my innocence you play I'm not the one to plot so Your face is lined, your hair is gray It's gradually got so Faithless woman to deceive me I who trusted so Master, master, do not leave me Hear me 'ere you go Faithless woman Master, master Faithless woman Master, master Faithless woman Do not leave me To deceive me Do not leave me I who trusted so Hear me 'ere you go Faithless woman to deceive me Master, master, do not leave me I who trusted so Hear me 'ere you go

Ow!

My love without reflecting Oh, do not be rejecting Take a maiden tender Her affection raw and green At very highest rating Has been accumulating Summer's 17 Summer's 17 Don't, beloved master Crush me with disaster What is such a dower To the dower I have here

Yes, your former master Don't, beloved master Save you from disaster Crush me with disaster Your love would be What is such a dower Uncomfortably fervid, it is clear To the dower I have here?

My love unabating If, as you are stating Has been accumulating Forty-seven years Forty-seven years!

Forty-seven years Faithless woman to deceive me I who trusted so Faithless woman to deceive me Master, master, do not leave me I who trusted Hear me 'ere you So! Go!


Climbing over rocky mountain Skipping rivulet and fountain Passing where the willows quiver By the ever rolling river Swollen with the summer rain, the summer rain Threading long and leafy mazes Dotted with unnumbered daisies Dotted, dotted with unnumbered daisies Scaling rough and rugged passes Climb the hardy little lassies Till the bright seashore they gain Scaling rough and rugged passes Climb the hardy little lassies Till the bright seashore they gain

Let us gaily tread the measure Make the most of fleeting leisure Hail it as a true ally Though it perish by-and-by Hail it as a true ally Though it perish by-and-by Every moment brings a treasure Of its own especial pleasure Though the moments quickly die Greet them gaily as they fly Greet them gaily As they fly Though the moments quickly die Greet them gaily as they fly

Let us gaily tread the measure Make the most of fleeting leisure Hail it as a true ally Though it perish by-and-by Hail it as a true ally Though it perish by-and-by Let us gaily tread the measure Make the most of fleeting leisure Hail it as a true ally A true ally!

We're quite alone. Suppose we take off our shoes.

And our stockings and paddle.

Paddle?

In all probability we are the first human beings who ever set foot on this enchanting spot.

Except for the mermaids, it's the very place for mermaids.

Who are only human beings down to the waist.

And who can't be said strictly to set foot anywhere.

I'm going to take off my stocking.

Stop, ladies, pray A man!

I had intended not to intrude myself upon your notice In this effective but alarming costume But under these peculiar circumstances I feel it is my bounden duty to inform you That your proceedings here will not be unwitnessed But who are you, sir? Speak!

I am a pirate A pirate! Horror!

Ladies, do not shun me This evening I renounce my vile profession And, to that end, o pure and peerless maidens Oh, blushing buds of ever-blooming beauty I, sore at heart, I, sore at heart Implore your kind assistance How pitiful his tale How rare his beauty How pitiful his tale How rare His beauty

Oh, is there not one maiden breast Which does not feel the moral beauty Of making worldly interest Subordinate to sense of duty?

Who would not give up willingly All matrimonial ambition To rescue such a one as I From his unfortunate Position?

From his Position

Oh, is there not one maiden here Whose homely face and bad complexion Have caused all hope to disappear Of ever winning man's affection?

To such a one, if such there be I swear by heaven's arch above you If you will cast your eyes on me However plain you be I'll love you However plain you be

If you will cast your eyes on me However plain you be I'll love

You!

I'll love you

I'll love

You Alas!

There's not one maiden here Whose homely face and bad complexion Have caused all hope to disappear Of ever winning man's Affection!

Not one?

No, no, not one Not one?

No, no!

Yes, one!

Oh, Mabel!

'Tis Mabel Yes, 'tis Mabel Oh, Sisters, deaf to pity's name for shame!

It's true that he has gone astray but pray Is that a reason good and true why you Should all be deaf to pity's name?

The question is had he not been a thing of beauty Would she be swayed by quite as keen a sense of duty?

For shame For shame Poor wandering one Though thou hast surely strayed Take heart of grace, thy steps retrace Poor wandering one Poor wandering one If such poor love as mine Can help thee find true peace of mind Why, take it It is thine Take heart, no danger low'rs Take any heart but ours Take heart, fair days will shine Take any heart, take mine Thank you.

Take heart, no danger low'rs Take any heart but ours Take heart, fair days will shine Take any heart, take mine


Poor wandering one Though thou hast surely strayed Take heart of grace, thy steps retrace Poor wandering one Poor wandering one Poor wandering one Take heart

Take any heart but ours Take heart Take heart

Take mine Take heart, no danger low'rs Take any heart but ours Take heart Take any heart but ours


Take Heart!

In. Out. Stop dinghy.

Maidens!

Maidens!

Quietly, men, down.

Men!

What?

Quiet!

Come on. Stay down.

First-rate opportunity. Now, to the port.

You to the starboard. No. I mean, the starboard. You to the port.

Stay, we must not lose our senses Men who stick at no offences Will anon be here Piracy their dreadful trade is Pray you get you, hence, young ladies While the coast is clear No, we must not lose our senses If they stick at no offences We should not be here Piracy their dreadful trade is Nice companions for young ladies Let us...

Each man to a woman.

Man your women.

Too late Hello. Mmm.

Here's a first-rate opportunity To get married with impunity And indulge in the felicity of unbounded domesticity You shall quickly be parsonified Conjugally matrimonified By a doctor of divinity who is located in this vicinity We have missed our opportunity Of escaping with impunity So farewell to the felicity of our maiden domesticity We shall quickly be parsonified Conjugally matrimonified By a doctor of divinity who is located in this vicinity By a doctor of divinity, who resides in this vicinity By a doctor, a doctor, a doctor of divinity Of divinity Away!

Hold it, you.

Hold, monsters Ere your pirate caravanserai Proceed against our will to wed us all Just bear in mind that we are wards in Chancery And father is a Major-General We'd better pause, or danger may befall Their father is a Major-General Yes, yes, he is a Major-General Yes, yes, I am a Major-General For he is a Major-General He is! Hurrah for the Major-General And it is, it is a glorious thing To be a Major-General It is! Hurrah for the Major-General Hurrah for the Major-General It's the same as the Pirate King tune!

I am the very model of a modern Major-General I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news Lot o' news.

Got it!

With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse I'm very good at integral and differential calculus I know the scientific names of beings animalculous In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral I am the very model of a modern Major-General In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral He is the very model of a modern Major-General In fact, when I know what is meant By "mamelon" and "ravelin"

When I can tell at sight A Mauser rifle from a javelin When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more wary at And when I know precisely what is meant by "commissariat"

When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery In short, when I've a smattering of elemental strategy Strategy?

Oh, my word. That's a hard one, isn't it?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Cup of tea. Allergy.

Got it!

You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral I am the very model of a modern Major-General But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral He is the very model of a modern Major-General Encore! Encore!

Can you do it one more time? Certainly.

And can you do it really fast?

Watch this!

In fact, when I know what is meant by "mamelon" and "ravelin"

When I can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a javelin When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more wary at And when I know precisely what is meant by "commissariat"

When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery In short, when I've a smattering of elemental strategy You'll say a better Major-General has never round a horse For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral I am the very model of a modern Major-General!

But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral He is the very model of a modern Major-General

Enough! He might sing another encore.

Well, now that I've introduced myself.

I should like to have some idea of what's going on?

Permit me, I can explain in two words.

We propose to marry your daughters.

Against our wills, Papa. Against our wills.

Oh, you mustn't do that!

Ooh! May I ask. This is a picturesque uniform. I'm not familiar with it.

What are you?

We are all single gentlemen.

I gather that.

Anything else?

No, nothing else.

Don't believe him, Papa. They're all pirates.

The famous Pirates of Penzance.

Yes, infamous.

The Pirates of Penzance! Yes, I've often heard of them.

All except for this gentleman, who was a pirate once, but is out of his indentures today and means to lead a blameless life evermore.

Now wait a bit. I said you wait a bit!

I object to pirates as sons-in-law.

We object to major-generals as fathers-in-law.

But we waive that point.

Oh!

We do not press it.

We look over it.

I have an idea.

And do you mean to say...

Do you mean to say you would rob me of these, the sole remaining props of my old age?

And leave me to go through the remainder of my life unfriended, unprotected and alone?

Well, yes, that's the idea.

To them, lads.

One moment. One moment.

Have you ever known what it is to be an orphan?

Oh, dash it!

Here we are again!

I ask you have you ever known what it is to be an orphan?

Often!

Yes, orphan. Have you ever known what it is to be one?

I say, often.

Often, often, often.

To the ship. Hang on a minute.

I tell you, hang on a minute.

Now, listen, I don't think we quite understand one another.

I ask you have you ever known what it is to be an orphan, and you say "orphan. "

Now as I understand you, you are merely repeating the word "orphan" to show that you understand me. Hmm.

I didn't repeat the word "orphan. "

Pardon me, you did indeed.

I only repeated it once.

True, but you repeated it!

But not often!

Ooh! Ooh!

I think I can see where we are getting confused.

Now, when you say "orphan," did you mean "orphan," a person that has lost his parents or "often," "frequently"?

Oh!

I beg your pardon. I see what you mean.

Of course, you do, yes.

Frequently.

You said "often" frequently?

No, only once.

Exactly. You said "often," frequently, only once.

Seize that man!

Oh, men of dark and dismal fate Forgo your cruel employ Have pity on my lonely state

I am an orphan boy

An orphan boy?

An orphan boy How sad An orphan boy These children whom you see Are all that I can call me own Poor fellow Take them away from me And I shall be indeed alone Poor fellow See, at our feet they kneel Our hearts we cannot steel Against the sad, sad tale Of the lonely

Orphan boy I'm telling a terrible story but it doesn't diminish my glory For they would have taken my daughters over the billowy waters If I hadn't, in elegant diction Indulged in an innocent fiction Which is not in the same category as telling a regular terrible story He's telling a terrible story Which will tend to diminish his glory Though they would have taken his daughters Over the billowy waters It is easy, in elegant diction To call it an innocent fiction But it comes in the same category As telling a regular terrible story It's easy, in elegant diction To call it an innocent fiction But it comes in the same category As telling a regular story

Although our dark career Sometimes involves the crime of stealing We rather think that we're Not altogether void of feeling Although we live by strife We're always sorry to begin it For what, we ask Is life Without a touch Of poetry in it

Hail, poetry Thou heaven-born maid

Thou gildest even The pirate's trade

Hail, flowing Fount of sentiment All hail All hail Divine Emollient!

You may go, for you're at liberty Our pirate rules protect you And honorary members of our band We do elect you Thank you. Hurray!

For he is an orphan boy He is! Hurrah for the orphan boy And it sometimes is a useful thing to be an orphan boy It is! Hurrah for the orphan boy Hurrah for the orphan boy Oh, happy day, with joyous glee They will away and married be Oh, happy day, with joyous glee They will away and married be Should it befall auspiciously Our Sisters all will bridesmaids be Should it befall auspiciously Our Sisters all will bridesmaids be Oh, happy day, with joyous glee They will away and married be Should it befall auspiciously Our Sisters all will bridesmaids be Should it befall auspiciously Our Sisters all will bridesmaids be


Papa?

Papa?

Papa?

Oh, dry the glistening tear That dews that martial cheek Thy loving children hear In them thy comfort seek With sympathetic care Their arms around thee creep For oh, they cannot bear To see Their father weep

Oh, Frederic, cannot you, in the calm excellence of your wisdom, reconcile it with your conscience to say something that will ease my father's sorrow?

What?

Can't you cheer him up?

Oh, I would try, dear Mabel.

But why does he sit here night after night in this drafty old ruin?

Why do I sit here?

Oh, Frederic, Frederic!

In order to escape the pirates' clutches, I described myself as an orphan, and heaven help me, I am no orphan.

Well, be comforted, sir.

For had you not acted as you did, these reckless men would most assuredly have called in the nearest clergyman and married your large family on the spot.

I thank you for your proffered solace, but it is unavailing.

I tell you, Frederic, such is the anguish and remorse I feel at the abominable falsehood by which I escaped these easily deluded pirates, that I would go to their simple-minded chief this very night and confess all.

Ah!

But did I not feel that the consequences would be oh, oh, oh, no, oh, no, no, most disastrous, most disastrous to myself.

At what hour does your expedition march against these scoundrels?

At 11:00.

And before midnight I hope to have atoned for my involuntary association with the pestilent scourges by sweeping them from the face of the Earth!

Oh.

And then, dear Mabel, you will be mine.

Are your devoted followers at hand?

They are. They only await my order.

Then, Frederic Let your escort lion-hearted Be summoned to receive a General's blessing Ere they depart upon their dread adventure

Dear, sir, they come!


When the foeman bares his steel Tarantara, tarantara Oh, we uncomfortable feel Tarantara And we find the wisest thing Tarantara, tarantara Is to slap our chests and sing Tarantara For when threatened with emutes Tarantara, tarantara And your heart is in your boots Tarantara There is nothing brings it round Like the trumpet's martial sound Tarantara, tarantara Tarantara, tarantara Ra-ra-tarantara Go, ye heroes, go to glory Though ye die in combat gory Ye shall live in song and story Go to immortality Go to death and go to slaughter Die, and every Cornish daughter With her tears your grave shall water Go, ye heroes, go and die Tho' to us it's evident Tarantara, tarantara These attentions are well meant Tarantara Such expressions don't appear Tarantara, tarantara Calculated men to cheer Tarantara Who are going to meet their fate In a highly nervous state Tarantara, tarantara, tarantara Still to us it's evident These attentions are well meant Tarantara, tarantara, tarantara Go and do your best endeavor And before all links, we sever We will say farewell forever Go to glory and the grave!

Go to glory and the grave For your foes are fierce and ruthless False, unmerciful and truthless Young and tender, old and toothless All in vain their mercy crave

We observe too great a stress On the risks that on us press And of reference a lack To our chance of coming back Still perhaps it would be wise Not to carp or criticize For it's very evident These attentions are well meant Yes, perhaps it would be wise Not to carp or criticize For it's very evident These attentions are well meant Yes, it's very evident Wait! Get back in line.

These attentions are well meant Get back! Back!

Evident, yes, well meant evident!

Ah, yes, well meant!

When the foeman bares his steel Go, ye heroes Tarantara, tarantara Go to glory Oh, we uncomfortable feel Though ye die Tarantara In combat gory And we find the wisest thing Ye shall Tarantara, tarantara Live in song and story Is to slap our chests and sing Go to Tarantara Immortality Go to death For when threatened with emutes Tarantara, tarantara And go to slaughter And your heart is in your boots Die, and every Tarantara Cornish daughter There is nothing brings it round With her tears Like the trumpet's martial sound Your grave shall water Like the trumpet's martial sound Go, ye heroes Tarantara, tarantara Go and die Tarantara, tarantara Go, ye heroes Tarantara, tarantara Go to immortality Tarantara, tarantara Go, ye heroes Tarantara, tarantara Go to immortality Ra-ra-ra-ra Go, ye heroes Ra-ra-ra-ra-tarantara Go to Ra-ra-tarantara Immortality Away, away Yes, yes, we go These pirates slay Tarantara Then do not stay Tarantara Then why this delay? All right, we go!

Yes, forward on the foe! Yes, forward!

Yes, forward on the foe! On the foe They're still here!

We go! We go! They go! They go!

Yes, forward on the foe Yes, forward Yes, forward on the foe On the foe Mabel, they're still here!

We go! We go! At last they go!

We go! We go! At last they go! At last they go!

We go! We go! We go! We go! At last they really, really go!

Yes, but you don't go.

We go! We go! They go! They go!

Yes, forward on the foe Yes, forward Damn it, they don't go.

We go! We go! At last they go!

We go! We go! At last they go! At last they go!

We go! We go! We go! At last they really, really We go! We go! We go! Really, really, really We go! We go! Really go!

Now for the pirates' lair!

Oh, joy unbounded!

Oh, sweet relief!

Oh, rapture unexampled!

At last I may atone in some slight measure For the repeated acts of theft and pillage Of which, at a sense of duty's stern dictation I, circumstance's victim Have been guilty

Young Frederic!

Who calls? Your late commander And I, your little Ruth Oh, mad intruders How dare ye face me?

Know ye not, oh, rash ones That I have doomed you to extermination?

Have mercy on us Have mercy on us Get back! Back!

Hear us, ere you slaughter I do not think I ought to listen to you

Yet, mercy should alloy our stern resentment And so I will be merciful Say on!

Quiet.

When you had left our pirate fold We tried to raise our spirits faint According to our custom old With quips and quibbles quaint But all in vain the quips we heard We lay and sobbed upon the rocks Oh.

Until to somebody occurred A startling paradox A paradox? A paradox!

A most ingenious paradox We've quips and quibbles heard in flocks But none to beat this paradox!

A paradox, a paradox A most ingenious paradox This paradox Ooh, I love a good paradox.

The paradox

For some ridiculous reason To which, however, I've no desire to be disloyal No.

Some person in authority Who?

I don't know who Very likely the Astronomer Royal Has decided that Although for such a beastly month as February Twenty-eight days as a rule are plenty One year in every four His days shall be reckoned as nine and twenty Through some singular coincidence I shouldn't be surprised If it were owing to the agency of an ill-natured fairy You are the victim of this clumsy arrangement Having been born in leap year On the 29th of February And so?

And so, by a simple arithmetical process You'll easily discover That though you've lived 21 years Yet, if we go by birthdays You're only five and a little bit over

Dear me! Let's see!

Yes, yes, with yours my figures do agree Five and a quarter, oh, that's rich!

How quaint the ways of paradox At common sense she gaily mocks Though counting in the usual way Years 21 I've been alive Yet, reckoning by my natal day Yet, reckoning by my natal day One, two, three, four...

I am a little boy of five He is a little boy of five

A paradox, a paradox A most ingenious paradox The paradox A curious paradox A most ingenious paradox!

Upon my word, this is most curious indeed.

Most absurdly whimsical.

Five-and-a-quarter, eh?

You wouldn't think it to look at me.

You'll be glad I'll be bound, that you spared us.

You never would have forgiven yourself when you discovered you killed your two comrades.

My comrades?

I'm afraid you don't appreciate the delicacy of your position.

You were apprenticed to us.

Yes, until I reached my 21st year.

Ah! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.

Until you reached your 21st...

Oh. Birthday.

And going by birthdays, you are as yet only five-and-a-quarter.

You don't mean to say you are going to hold me to this?

No, no. No, no. No, no, no, no.

We merely remind you of the fact, and leave the rest to your sense of duty.

Your sense of duty.

Oh, I abhor your infamous calling.

I shudder at the thought that I've ever been mixed up with it!

But duty is before all!

And at any price I will do my duty.

Oh, bravely spoken!

Come!

You're one of us once more.

Lead on, I follow.

Come. That's the ship.

My eyes are fully opened to my awful situation I shall go at once to Mabel and make her an oration I will tell her I am bound by duty and my moral senses And I don't know what to do about the penny consequences Now I do not want to perish by the sword or by the dagger But a pirate must indulge a little pardonable swagger And a word or two of compliment my vanity would flatter But I've got to go tonight so it really doesn't matter!

So it really doesn't matter! So it really doesn't matter!

So it really doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, matter!

Matter, matter, matter, matter, matter, matter, matter, matter If this were not a little mad and generally silly I should give you my advice upon the subject, willy-nilly I should show you in a moment how to grapple with the question And you'd really be astonished at the force of my suggestion On the subject I shall write you a most valuable letter Full of excellent suggestions when I feel a little better But at present I'm afraid I am as mad as any hatter So I'll sing this song for ruddy good it really doesn't matter What we sing doesn't matter What we sing doesn't matter What we sing doesn't matter No, it really doesn't matter What we sing doesn't matter, matter, matter, matter, matter Matter, matter, matter, matter, matter, matter, matter, matter If I had been so lucky as to have a steady mother Who could talk to me as we are talking now to one another Who could give me good advice when she discovered I was erring Which is just the very favor which on you I am conferring My existence would have made a rather interesting idyll And I might have lived and died a very decent indiwiddle This particularly rapid, unintelligible patter Isn't generally heard, and if it is, it doesn't matter!

If it is, it doesn't matter If it is, it doesn't matter This particularly rapid, unintelligible patter Isn't generally heard, and if it is, it doesn't matter!

This particularly rapid, unintelligible patter Isn't generally heard, and if it is, it doesn't matter!

Matter, matter, matter, matter, matter, matter Matter, matter, matter!

Oh, horror!

What's the matter? What's the matter?

Ought I to tell you?

What?

Oh, no, I cannot.

Yet, as one of your band...

Speak out, I charge you by that sense of conscientiousness to which we've never yet appealed in vain.

General Stanley... Yes.

The father of my Mabel. Yes, yes!

General Stanley escaped from you on the plea that he was an orphan.

He did?

Oh. Oh, yes, he did.

I was there.

Well? Oh!

It breaks my heart to betray the honored father of the girl I adore.

Break it.

And yet, as your apprentice, I have no alternative.

None.

It is my duty then to tell you...

Yes, your duty.

...that General Stanley... Yes?

Well, General Stanley...

General Stanley is what?

Well, he is no...

He's no...

Well... What, what, what?

General Stanley is no

orphan!

When you say "orphan," you mean, "orphan," a person that has lost his parents or "often," "frequently"?

A person that has lost his parents.

What? What?

And more than that...

No.

Oh. Oh.

He never was one!

Am I to understand

that in order to save his contemptible life, he dared to practice on our credulous simplicity?

Our revenge will be swift!

We will go and collect our band and attack Tremorden Castle this very night.

But stay! Not a word!

He is doomed!

Away, away! My heart's on fire I burn, this base deception to repay This very night my vengeance dire Shall glut itself in gore! Away, away!

Away, away! Ere I expire I find my duty hard to do today My heart is filled with anguish dire It strikes me to the core! Away, away!

With falsehood foul he tricked us of our brides Let vengeance howl the pirate so decides Our nature stern he softened with his lies And, in return, tonight the traitor dies Yes, yes! Tonight the traitor dies!

Tonight he dies Yes, or early tomorrow His girls likewise?

They will welter in sorrow The one soft spot In their natures they cherish And all who plot To abuse it shall perish Tonight he dies Yes, or early tomorrow His girls likewise, they'll welter in sorrow The one soft spot In their natures they cherish And all who plot to abuse it shall perish Away, away! Away!

Tonight the traitor dies!

Away, away! Tonight! Tonight! Tonight!

The traitor dies tonight!

Away!

Oh.

Stay, Frederic, stay!

Nay, Mabel, nay!

They have no claim But duty's name The thought my soul appalls No shadow of a shame But when stern duty calls Will fall upon thy name Stay, Frederic, stay!

I must obey

Ah, leave me not to pine Alone and desolate No fate seemed fair as mine No happiness So great And nature, day by day Has sung In accents clear This joyous roundelay

"He loves thee

"He is here

"Fa-la, la-la

"Fa-la, la-la

"He loves

"Thee

"He is here

"Fa-la, la-la

"Fa-la"

Ah, must I leave thee here In endless night to dream Where joy is dark and drear And sorrow All supreme Where nature, day by day Will sing In altered tone This weary roundelay

"He loves thee

"He is gone

"Fa-la, la-la

"Fa-la, la-la

"He loves thee

"He is gone

"Fa-la, la-la

"Fa-la"

In 1940 I of age shall be I'll then return and claim you I declare it!

It seems so long Swear that till then you will be true to me Yes, I'll be strong By all the Stanleys dead and gone I swear it!

Oh, here is love and here is truth And here is food for joyous laughter She will be faithful He will be faithful To her sooth To his sooth Till we are wed, and even after Oh, here is love and here is truth She will be faithful to her sooth He will be faithful to his sooth Till we are wed, and even after Till we are wed And even after Yes, even after Oh, here is love and here is truth And here is food for joyous laughter She will be faithful He will be faithful To her sooth To his sooth Till we are wed, and even after She will be faithful to her sooth Till we are wed, and even after And after Even after Oh, here is love and here is truth Oh, here is love Here's love


Farewell.

No, I am brave Oh, family descent How great thy charm, thy sway, how excellent Come one and all, undaunted men in blue A crisis, now, affairs are coming to

When the danger's near Tarantara, tarantara We manage to appear Tarantara As insensible to fear As anybody here Tarantara, tarantara Ra-ra-tarantara

Sergeant, approach!

Young Frederic was to have led you to death and glory That is not a pleasant way of putting it

He will not so lead you For he has allied himself once more With his old associates He has acted shamefully!

You speak falsely You know nothing about it He has acted nobly He has acted nobly Dearly as I loved him before His heroic sacrifice to his sense of duty Has endeared him to me tenfold He has done his duty, I will do mine Go ye and do yours

Right oh!

This is perplexing.

But no matter, our cause is clear.

We must do our best to capture these pirates alone.

It is most distressing to us to be the agents Whereby our erring fellow-creatures Are deprived of that liberty Which is so dear to us all But we should have thought of that Before we joined the force We should Well, too late now!

When a felon's not engaged in his employment His employment Or maturing his felonious little plans Little plans His capacity for innocent enjoyment

'Cent enjoyment Is just as great as any honest man's Honest man's Our feelings we with difficulty smother

'Culty smother When Constabulary duty's to be done To be done Ah, take one consideration with another With another A policeman's lot is not a happy one Oh When Constabulary duty's to be done To be done A policeman's lot is not a happy one Hoo!

Quiet down there.

Good night.

A rollicking band of pirates we Who, tired of tossing on the sea Are trying their hand at a burglary With weapons grim and gory

Hush, hush!

I hear them on the manor poaching With stealthy steps the pirates are approaching We are not coming for plate or gold A story General Stanley told We seek a penalty fifty-fold For General Stanley's story They seek a penalty Fifty-fold!

We seek a penalty Fifty-fold!

They seek a penalty fifty-fold For General Stanley's story

Quiet!

They come in force With stealthy stride Silence! Down.

Our obvious course is now to hide Tarantara, tarantara Go on.

Quiet!

With cat-like tread Upon our prey we steal In silence dread Our cautious way we feel No sound at all We never speak a word A fly's foot-fall would be distinctly heard Tarantara, tarantara So stealthily the pirate creeps While all the household soundly sleeps

Come, friends, who plough the sea Truce to navigation Take another station Let's vary piracy With a little burglary Come, friends, who plough the sea Truce to navigation Take another station Let's vary piracy With a little burglary Quiet!

Here's your crowbar And your center bit Your life preserver You may want to hit Your silent matches Your dark lantern seize Take your file And your skeletonic keys Tarantara With catlike tread Tarantara In silence dread

With cat-like tread Upon our prey we steal In silence dread Our cautious way we feel No sound at all We never speak a word A fly's foot-fall would be distinctly heard Come, friends, who plough the sea Truce to navigation Take another station Let's vary piracy With a little burglary With cat-like tread Upon our prey we steal In silence dread Our cautious way We feel!

Come, friends, who plough the sea Truce to navigation Take another station Let's vary piracy With a little burglary With cat-like tread Upon our prey we steal In silence dread Our cautious way We Feel!

Who's there?

Hush, hush! Hello?

Not a word I see a light inside The Major-General comes So, quickly hide Yes, yes!

The Major-General comes Yes, yes!

The Major-General comes Yes, yes!

The Major-General comes

Tormented with the anguish dread of falsehood unatoned I lay upon my sleepless bed And tossed and turned and groaned The man who finds his conscience ache No peace at all enjoys And as I lay in bed awake I thought I heard a noise He thought he heard a noise Ha, ha!

No, all is still In dale, on hill My mind is set at ease So still the scene It must have been The sighing of the breeze

Sighing softly to the river Comes the loving breeze Setting nature all a-quiver Rustling through the trees Through the trees And the brook in rippling measure Laughs for very love While the poplars in their pleasure Wave their arms above Yes, the trees for very love Wave their leafy arms above River, river little river May thy loving prosper ever Heaven speed thee, poplar tree May thy wooing happy be Heaven speed thee, poplar tree May thy wooing Happy be

Yet, the breeze is but a rover When he wings away Brook and poplar mourn a lover Sighing, "Well-a-day!"

Well-a-day Ah, the doing and undoing That the rogue could tell When the breeze is out a-wooing Who can woo so well?

Shocking tales the rogue could tell Nobody can woo so well Pretty brook, thy dream is over For thy love is but a rover Sad the lot of poplar trees Courted by a fickle breeze Sad the lot of poplar trees Courted by a Fickle Breeze Papa! Papa! Where are you?

Now what is this and what is that?

And why does Father leave his rest At such a time of night as this, so very incompletely dressed?

Dear Father is, and always was, the most methodical of men It's his invariable rule to go to bed at half-past ten What strange occurrence can it be that calls dear Father from his rest At such a time of night as this, so very incompletely dressed?

So very incompletely dressed At such a time of night!

Forward, my men, and seize that General there!

His life is over!

The pirates! The pirates! Oh, despair!

Yes, we're the pirates, so despair!

Frederic here! Oh, joy! Oh, rapture!

Summon your men and effect their capture!

Frederic, save us!

Beautiful Mabel, I would if I could, but I am not able He's telling the truth, he is not able

With base deceit You worked upon our feelings Revenge is sweet And flavors all our dealings With courage rare And resolution manly For death prepare Unhappy General Stanley Is he to die No! Unshriven, unannealed?

Oh, spare him!

Will no one in his cause a weapon wield Oh, spare him!

Yes, we are here, though hitherto concealed Oh, rapture!

What do we do?

So to Constabulary, pirates yield Oh, rapture!

To them, lads!


Charge! Ow!

Kill! Kill! Come on, boy, sic 'em, sic 'em!

Come on, boy, bite them! Bite those pirates!

Sit!

Away!


Sailors always welcome ladies Most politely

Now give three cheers I'll lead the way Hurrah! Hurrah!

Hurray!

Kill them!


To gain a brief advantage you've contrived But your proud triumph will not be long-lived Don't say you are orphans, for we know that game On your allegiance we've a stronger claim We charge, you yield We charge, you yield In Queen Victoria's name

You do?

We do!

We charge, you yield In Queen Victoria's name

We yield at once With humbled mien Because with all our faults We love Our Queen Yes, yes With all their faults They love their Queen Yes, yes With all their faults With all our faults They love their Queen We love our Queen Away with them And place them at the bar One moment!

Let me tell you who they are They are no members of the common throng They are all noblemen Who have gone wrong They are all noblemen Who have gone wrong

No Englishman unmoved that statement hears Because, with all our faults We love Our House of Peers I pray you, pardon me, ex-Pirate King Peers will be peers, and youth will have its fling Resume your ranks and legislative duties And take my daughters All of whom are beauties At length we are provided with unusual facility To change piratic crime for dignified respectability Combined I needn't say with the unparalleled felicity Of what we have been longing for Unbounded domesticity Tomorrow morning early we will quickly be parsonified Hymeneally coupled, conjugally matrimonified And this shall be accomplished by the doctor of divinity Who happily resides in the immediate vicinity Who happily resides in the immediate vicinity My military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century But still in getting off my daughters Eight or nine or ten in all I've shown myself the model of A modern Major-General But still in getting off his daughters Eight or nine or ten in all He's shown himself the model of a modern Major-General

Poor wandering ones Though ye have surely strayed Take heart of grace, your steps retrace Poor wandering ones Poor wandering ones If such poor love as ours Can help you find True peace of mind Why, take it It is yours Poor wandering ones Poor wandering ones

Take heart Take heart

Take, take heart Take heart Take heart Take heart

Take heart Take heart, fair days will shine Take any heart Take heart Take heart!

Take Heart!