The Producers (2005) Script

The_Producers_(2005) ,BR_MKV_H264_AC3[5.1](Universal,Eng-Comm,Sub) 1280x534

- Opening night Opening night It's opening night

It's Max Bialystock's latest show Will it flop or will it go?

The cast is taking its final bow Here comes the audience now The doors are open They're on their way Let's hear what they have to say He's done it again He's done it again Max Bialystock has done it again We can't believe it You can't conceive it How'd he achieve it?

It's the worst show in town We sat there sighing Groaning and crying There's no denying It's the worst show in town Oh, we wanted to stand up and hiss We've seen shit But never like this Max Bialystock has done it again

The songs were rotten The book was stinkin'

What he did to Shak espeare Booth did to Lincoln We had this specially made up for Max Bialystock.

We couldn't leave faster

What a disaster We are still in shock Who produced this schlock?

That slimy, sleazy Max Bialystock What a bum


Mr. Bialystock?

Anybody here?

Mr. Bialystock?

Who are you? What are you doing here?

What do you want?

Speak to me, dummy. Speak!

Why don't you speak?

Scared. Can't talk.

All right, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Calm down. Get ahold of yourself. Come with me.

Come on. Come on.

Come on, right this way. Watch your step.

Look, just...

Take a deep breath.

Let it out slowly.

Who are you? I am Leopold Bloom.

I'm an accountant. I'm from Whitehall & Marks...

...and I've come to do your books. Oh, you have, huh? Well, listen...

Who is it? Hold Me- Touch Me.

Hold Me- Touch Me. One of my backers.

Listen, I have to meet with an important investor.

Do me a big favour, go to the bathroom.

But I don't have to go. Try. Try. Think of Niagara Falls.

Be with you in a moment, my darling.

Hold Me- Touch Me. Where is Hold Me- Touch Me?

Kiss Me- Feel Me, Clinch Me- Pinch Me...

...Lick Me- Bite Me, Suck Me...

Here she is. Hold Me- Touch Me.

You know, it worked. As soon as I pictured Niagara Falls...

...I didn't have any trouble at all... Back. Back. Don't make a sound.

Coming. Coming.

Hello, gorgeous.

Hold me, touch me. As soon as I shut the door.

Did you bring the checkie?

Bialy can't produce plays without checkies.

Here you go.

But first, can we please play a game?

One dirty little game.

All right, my little sex kitten.

What shall we play?

The Debutante and the Bricklayer?

Oh, no. No.

How about the Rabbi and the Contortionist?

You like that one, mama, keeps you limber.

I know.

Let's play the Virgin Milkmaid and the Well-Hung Stableboy.

I don't think I have the strength.

Don't worry, I'll be gentle. All right.

Oh, dear...

...this milk is so heavy. I'll never reach the house.

You there, well-hung stableboy.

Won't you please help me?

Of course, my little dairy queen.

First I'll take your milk.

Then I shall take your virginity!

No! No! Never! Never!

Yes. Yes.

Give it to me, well-hung! Give it to me.

Darling, wait, I haven't even had coffee yet.

Take it easy. Take it easy. Oh, my God.

Send me to the moon, you animal. Send me to the moon.

Yes. Yes, my darling. Thursday. Come back Thursday.

I'll send you to the moon Thursday. I may even join you.

But first, the checkie.

Where's the checkie? Come on, come on, find the checkie.

Here you go.

I made it out, like you told me, to the title of the play:

- Cash. Yes.

That's a funny name for a play, Cash.

Yes, so was The Iceman Cometh.

I'll see you Thursday.

Bye. Bye. Bye.

Yes, yes, yes.

You dirty old buzzard.

May I come out of the bathroom now, Mr. Bialystock?

Yeah, sure. I'm terribly sorry I caught you...

...feeling up the old lady. " Feeling up the old lady."

Thank you, Mr. Tact.

May I take your coat? Oh, thank you.

So you're an accountant, huh?

Yes, sir. I am, sir. Then account for yourself!

Why are you looking up little old ladies' dresses? Bit of a pervert?

I know what you're thinking.

How dare you condemn me without knowing all the facts.

Mr. Bialystock, I wasn't condemn... Shut up!

I'm having a rhetorical conversation.

Do you know who I used to be? Well, yes. You're Max Bialystock...

...the king of Broadway. No, I'm Max Bialy... That's right.

That's right. And might I say, Mr. Bialystock...

And please don't take this the wrong way...

...but you're not just a dirty old man. Thank you.

Oh, you're also a great Broadway producer.

And there's something about me you should know.

When I was a kid...

...I had the good fortune to be taken to Bialy-Hoos of '42.

- Oh, Bialy-Hoos. Yes.

And I still have the ticket stub.

Oh, look at that. Yeah.

And ever since, I've had a secret desire... be a Broadway producer.

A secret desire, huh?

Kid, can I give you some advice? Yes, sir.

Keep it a secret. Do the books, please.

Top drawer, to the left.

Oh, my God.

Will you look at that.

That's it, baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it!

Mr. Bialystock, may I speak to you a minute?

A minute? Yes.

Just one minute? Yes.

Okay. In glancing at your books...

Go! You have 58 seconds left. ...I noticed that in the column...

You're gonna time it? Time is money.

I looked at your books and the columns marked "monies received."

And I can't make the figures work out. Forty-eight seconds. Hurry.

There's a problem with your figures. Twenty-eight. Running out of time.

Tick, tock. Tick, tock. Tick, tock. I cannot...

Fifteen seconds. I cannot... I can't function.

I cannot function in these conditions. Five, four, three, two, one.

You're making me extremely nervous.

What is that, a handkerchief?

What? This? No, it's nothing. It's nothing.

Well, if it's nothing, then why can't I see it?

My blanket. My blue blanket!

Give me back my blue blanket!

Give me my blanket! Give it to me. Give it to me. Give me the blanket.

Give it to me! Give it to me!

Here, here, here.

Don't panic. Don't panic. Don't panic.


I'm sorry.

It's just that I don't like anyone touching my blue blanket.

It's not important, it's a minor compulsion.

I can deal with it if I want to.

But I've had it ever since I was a baby, and I find it very comforting.

I need to lie down for a minute now.

They come here. They all come here.

How do they find me?

Hey, kid. Hey.

Look at this.

How can I help you?

What's wrong? You're gonna jump on me.

What? You're gonna jump on me.

I know you're gonna jump on me and squash me like a bug.

Oh, God. Please, don't jump on me!

I'm not gonna jump on you! I'm not gonna jump on you!

Get ahold of yourself! Stop it! Stop it!

Stop! Calm down!

Don't touch me! Don't touch me.

What's the matter now? I'm hysterical. I'm having hysterics.

I can't stop when I get like this. I can't stop. I'm hysterical.

I can see that. All right. All right, calm down.

I'm coming, I'm coming. Take it easy.

I'm wet!

I'm wet. I'm hysterical and I'm wet!

I'm in pain.

I'm in pain, I'm wet...

...and I'm still hysterical.

All right, all right. What can I do? You're getting me hysterical.

Move away, you frighten me.

You're too close. I frighten you?

Yes, get over there and stop touching... Move over there! Sit down.

I'm sitting, I'm sitting.

You still look angry.

I'm sorry. How's this?

Who's my little accountant?

Who's my little accountant?

Are you my little accountant? Are you my little accountant?

Are you my little accountant? I am.

Yes, you are.

Well, thank you for smiling. That helped a great deal.

Well, you know what they say:

"Smile and the world smiles with you."

This man should be in a straightjacket.

You feeling better? Oh, yes, I'm fine now. Thank you.

Good. May I speak to you?

Yes, Prince Myshkin. What can we do for you?

Well, this is hardly the time for levity, Mr. Bialystock.

I've discovered a serious error... the accounts of your last show, Funny Boy.

Where? What? Well, according to the backers list... raised $100,000. But your show only cost 98,000.

There's 2000 unaccounted for.

I went to a Turkish bath. Who cares?

The show was a flop. Bloom, do me a favour...

...move a few decimal points around. You can do it, you're an accountant.

You're part of a noble profession. The word "count" is part of your title.

That's cheating. It's not cheating.

It's charity.

Bloom... see this stickpin?

This once held a pearl as big as your eye.

I used to wear handmade Italian shoes, $500 suits.

And look at me now.

Look at me now! I'm wearing a cardboard belt.

Bloom, you gotta save me.

I'm reaching out to you.

Don't send me to prison.

Help me.

All right. All right. Okay, I'll do it.

Really? Yes, I'll do it.

See, $2000 isn't so much.

I'm sure I can hide it someplace.

After all, the IRS isn't interested in a show that flopped.

Right. Good thinking.

You figure it out. I'm gonna take a little nap.

Now, let's see.

Let's see, if we add up these deductions, we get...

Carry the three, divide by four...


It's absolutely amazing, but...

...under the right circumstances...

...a producer could make more money with a flop...

...than he could with a hit.

Yes, it's quite possible. If he were certain that a show would fail...

...a man could make a fortune.

Yes? Yes, what?

What you were saying. Keep talking. What was I saying?

You were saying that a producer...

...could make more money with a flop than a hit.

Well, yes. It's quite possible.

You keep saying that, but you don't say how.

Well, it's simply a matter of creative accounting.

Let's assume for a moment that you are a dishonest man.

Assume away.

All right. When you produced your last show, Funny Boy... raised $2000 more than you needed.

But you could've raised a million...

...put on your $100,000 flop and kept the rest.

But what if my show was a hit? Then you would go to jail.

See, rather than 100 percent of the show... would've sold more than 1000 percent.

So if the show's a success, there's no way to pay off the backers.

Get it? Got it.

So in order for our scheme to work, we'd have to find a sure- fire flop.

"Our scheme"? What scheme?

What scheme?

Your scheme, you bloody little genius.

I meant no scheme. I merely posed a little academic accounting theory.

It was just a thought. Bloom...

...worlds are turned on such thoughts.

Don't you see, Bloom? Darling Bloom, glorious Bloom.

It's so simple.

Step one, we find the worst play ever written.

Step two, we hire the worst director in town.

Step three, I raise 2 million dollars. Two?

Yes, one for me, one for you. There's a lot of little old ladies out there.

Step four, we hire the worst actors in New York and open on Broadway.

And before you can say "step five," we close on Broadway...

...take our 2 million and go to Rio.

Rio? That'd never work.

Oh, ye of little faith.

What did Lewis say to Clark When everything look ed bleak?

What did Sir Edmund say to Tenzing As they struggled Toward Everest's peak?

What did Washington say To his troops As they crossed the Delaware?

I'm sure you're well aware What'd they say?

We can do it We can do it We can do it Me and you We can do it We can do it We can make our dreams come true Everything you've ever wanted Is just waiting to be had Beautiful girls Wearing nothing but pearls Caressing you, undressing you And driving you mad No.

Bloom. Bloom, wait a minute, now.

Hear me out. Just think about it.


We can do it We can do it This is not the time to shirk We can do it You won't rue it Say goodbye to petty clerk Hi, producer Yes, producer I mean you, sir Go berserk We can do it We can do it And I know it's gonna work What do you say, Bloom?

What do I say?

Finally, a chance to be A Broadway producer What do I say?

Finally, a chance to mak e My dreams come true, sir What do I say? What do I say?

Here's what I say to you, sir I can't do it I can't do it I can't do it That's not me I'm a loser I'm a coward I'm a chick en Don't you see?

When it comes to wooing women There's a few things that I lack Beautiful girls Wearing nothing but pearls Chasing me, embracing me I'd have an attack Why, you miserable, cowardly, wretched little caterpillar.

Don't you ever wanna become a butterfly?

Don't you want to spread your wings and flap your way to glory?


Where to? Central Park.

Gotta breathe. Gotta breathe.

- We can do it Mr. Bialystock, please stop the song You've got me wrong I'll say "so long"

I'm not as strong a person As you think Mr. Bialystock, just take a look I'm not a crook

- Drink champagne, not ginger ale I'm a schnook, bottom line is I stink

- Come on, Leo, can't you see-o? I can't do it You see Rio, I see jail Driver, stop.


- We can do it I can't do it

- We can do it I can't do it

- We can do it I can't do it

- We can do it I can't do it

- We can do it I cannot, cannot, cannot, cannot do it

'Cause I know it's gonna fail Fail? How could it miss? All you need is a little courage.

Bloom, you know what you are? You're like a...

You're like a...

You're like a fountain waiting to explode and shoot into the sky!

I'm a fountain? Yes, you're a fountain!

Don't you realize? There's a lot more to you than there is to you.

Mr. Bialystock, I'm afraid you've made a terrible error in judgment.

You've mistaken me for someone with a spine.

I'm going back to Whitehall & Marks now.

Goodbye forever. Bloom. Bloom, wait a minute! Bloom.

Think about it. You'll never get a cab at this hour! Bloom.

Oh, Lord. Dear Lord...

...I want that money!

Unhappy Unhappy Very unhappy Unhappy Unhappy Very, very, very, very, very Very, very unhappy Bloom!

Where the hell have you been?

You are six minutes late. This is an accounting firm...

...not a country club. You can't come and go as you please.

Yes, Mr. Marks. Remember, you're a nobody.

A PA. A public accountant.

And I am a CPA. A certified public accountant.

A rank a miserable little worm like yourself could never hope to achieve.

Yes, Mr. Marks. Thank you for speaking to me.

You're welcome.

What are you gawking at?

You never saw a person humiliated before?

Now, get back to work. All of you!

Unhappy Unhappy Very, very, very, very Very, very, very unhappy

I spend my life accounting

- With figures and such Unhappy To what is my life amounting?

- It figures, not much Unhappy I have a secret desire Hiding deep in my soul It sets my heart afire To see me in this role

I wanna be a producer With a hit show on Broadway I wanna be a producer Lunch at Sardi's every day I want to be a producer Sport a top hat and a cane I wanna be a producer And drive those chorus girls insane

I wanna be a producer And sleep until half past 2 I wanna be a producer And say, "You, you, you..."

Not you.

I wanna be a producer Wear a tux on opening night

I wanna be a producer And see my name, Leo Bloom In lights

He wants to be a producer Of a great big Broadway smash He wants to be a producer Every pock et stuffed with cash He wants to be a producer Pinch our cheeks till we cry Yes.

He wants to be a producer With a great big casting couch

- I wanna be He wants to be

- I wanna be He wants to be I wanna be the greatest, grandest And most fabulous producer In the world He's gotta dine With a duchess and a duk e I just got to be a producer Drink champagne until I puk e

- Drink champagne till he puk es I wanna be a producer Show the world just what I got I'm gonna put on shows That will enthral them Read my name in Winchell's column I wanna be a producer

- 'Cause it's everything I'm not Unhappy Unhappy

- I wanna be a producer Very, very unhappy

- Unhappy I wanna be a produce...

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold everything.

Hold everything!

What am I doing here? Mr. Bialystock was right.

There is a lot more to me than there is to me.

Stop the world, I wanna get on!

What the hell is going on in here?

Do I smell the revolting stench of self-esteem?

Bloom, where do you think you're going?

You've already had your toilet break.

I'm not going into the toilet. I'm going into show business.

And, Mr. Marks, I have news for you. I quit!

And you were right about one thing, you are a CPA.

A certified public asshole! Hooray!

Here's my visor... Dixon Ticonderoga number 2 pencil...

...and my big finish!

I'm gonna be a producer He's gonna be a producer

- Look out, Broadway Look out, Broadway

'Cause here I come

Mr. Bialystock. Mr. Bialystock.

I'm back! I'm back. I've changed my mind.

Boy, you are good.

Who are you talking to? Never mind, just an old friend.

What happened? Oh, just this...

Just this: When I said that I was scared that I was gonna go to jail...

...I didn't realize that I already was in jail.

I've spent my life counting other people's money.

People I'm smarter than...

...better than.

When's Leopold Bloom gonna get his share?

When's it gonna be Bloom's day? I want... I want...

I want everything I've ever seen in the movies.

And, Leo, you're gonna have it. Because...

- We can do it, we can do it I'm gonna be a producer Say goodbye to woe and gloom

- With your brilliance, my resilience I'm gonna be a producer

- Up together we will zoom Up together we will zoom

- We can do it, we can do it We can do it, we can do it Every show I touch I doom

- We were fated We were fated

- To be mated To be mated

- We're Bialystock and Bloom We're Bialystock and Bloom

Oh, Max...

Oh, Max, let's give up. I can't read anymore.

How many plays can a person read? Stop complaining.

We have to find the worst play ever written.

I've been reading all night. Who cares?

You wanna be a producer, read, read. Keep reading.

Here's one.

Act I, scene one.

"Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to discover...

...that he had been transformed into a giant cockroach."

No, too good.

" But how could you see me? The glass was frosted."

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I've read this before.

I think I've read this one before. What's it called? What's it called?

The Frosted Glass.

Max, I'm reading plays that I read last night, Max.

I can't go on anymore. It's too much.

Let's face it, we'll never find it.

We'll never find it. We'll never find it.

We'll never find it. We'll never find it.

Leo. Leo. See it? Smell it.

Touch it. Kiss it. Kiss it.

It's the mother lode.

What is it? You found a flop? A flop.

That's putting it mildly.

This is a catastrophe.

A disaster certain to offend peoples of all races, creeds and religions.

A guaranteed- to-close- in-one- night beauty.

Well, let's see it. Here.

"Springtime for Hitler...

...a gay romp with Eva and Adolf at Berchtesgaden."

Oh, my God.

"Oh, my God" is right.

It's practically a love letter to Hitler.

Max, this won't run a week. A week? Are you kidding?

This play has got to close on page four.

What's the author's name again?

" Franz Liebkind. 61 Jane Street, New York, New York."

Franz Liebkind. 61 Jane Street.

Let's go. We'll get the Broadway rights to Springtime for Hitler...

...even if we have to go so far as to pay him.

Come on. This other hat, Max...

...may I wear it?

No, you may not. Why?

Because that is a Broadway producer's hat.

You don't get to wear a Broadway producer's hat, son...

...until you're a Broadway producer.

And you're not a Broadway producer until...

I know, I know. Until I've produced a show on Broadway.

But I'm going to wear that hat, and soon too, because...

We're gonna be the producers Of a great big Broadway flop

Ja, ja, my Lieblings.

Let me grab you here.

We have work to do.

Hilda, my darling. Here, I have written an important message...

...which must reach Ernst Schlongdorf.

29 West Santiago Boulevard...

...Buenos Aires, Argentina.


As quick as possible.


Fly, Hilda. Fly!

Hilda, where are you going?

Argentina's that way!

Okay, chow time.

Yummy, yummy, yummy. Goes right into your belly.

It's just a hunch, but I'm betting this is our man.

Max, he's wearing a German helmet and lederhosen.

Yeah, I know. Don't notice them. Don't notice anything.

Always look straight ahead. Remember, we need that play.

Franz Liebkind?

I was never a member of the Nazi Party!

I only followed orders.

I had nothing to do with the war.

I didn't even know there was a war on.

We lived in the back...

...right across from Switzerland.

All we ever heard was yodelling.

Who are you?! Relax.

Mr. Liebkind, we're not from the government.

We're producers, Bialystock and Bloom... to talk to you about your play. My play?

You mean Springtime for... That's the one.

What about it? We love it. Don't we love it?

We think it's a masterpiece. We want to put it on Broadway.

Broadway! Oh, joy of joys.

Dream of dreams. I can't believe it.

I must tell my birds. Tell your birds.

Otto, Bertha, Heinz, Heidi, Wolfgang...


Do you hear?

We are finally going to clear the Führer's name.


You know, not many people know this...

...but the Führer was a terrific dancer. Really?

We didn't know that, did we, Leo? No, no, we sure didn't.

That's because you were taken in by the BBC!

Filthy British lies!

But did they ever say a bad word about Winston Churchill?


With his cigars, with his brandy and his rotten paintings.



There was a painter.

He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon.

Two coats.

Yes. Yes.

Yes, of course he could, Mr. Liebkind.

And that is exactly why we wanna produce your play.

Show the world the true Hitler. The Hitler you loved...

...the Hitler you knew, the Hitler with a song in his heart.

Here, Franz Liebkind. Sign here...

...and make your dream a reality.

- No. That's what "nein" means.

First you must prove to me that you believe as I believe... joining with me and singing and dancing the Führer's favourite tune:

" Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop."

I know.

" Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop"? " Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop."

No. I could never sing the Führer's favourite...

Delighted. Delighted. Shut up, he's almost ready to sign.

All right. First you will roll up your pants.

Rolling? Rolling.

Don't be stingy. Show some leg. Alrighty.

Good. Good.

Key of E? Is there any other?

Guten Tag hop hop Guten Tag clop clop Ach, du lieber Und oh, boy Guten Tag clap clap Guten Tag slap slap Ach, du lieber What a joy Oh, wir essen und fressen Und tanzen und trink en Tanzen und trink en Until we get stinkin'

- Everybody! Guten Tag hop hop Guten Tag clop clop Guten Tag Mein lieber Schatz So we hop our hops Und we clop our clops Und we drink our Schnaps Till we platz You will sway?

We will sway.

Follow me.

Very good.

Whatever you say.

This is a tricky one

Oh, the Hop-Clop. It's been so long!

Sort of a Nazi hoedown.

Gentlemen, you may produce my play.

Excellent. Excellent.

Here we are. Here.

But only if you take the Siegfried Oath.

The Siegfried Oath? What's that?

A pledge of eternal allegiance to our beloved Führer.


...took that oath before.

One for me, one for you, und one for you.

Never... Had one of those on before. Thanks very much.

You're welcome. Nice colours.

Oh, look, reversible.

Oh, yeah, you're right. Max.

Max, we never should have started this.

I think we're getting in too deep.

Too deep? This is nothing.

I'll tell you when we're getting in too deep.

All right.

First, you will raise your right forefinger...

...und repeat after me.

I solemnly swear...

I solemnly swear... I solemnly swear... obey the sacred Siegfried Oath. obey the sacred Siegfried Oath. obey the sacred Siegfried Oath.

- Und... Und...


...never, never, never...

...never, never, never... ...never, never, never...

...dishonour the spirit und the memory of Adolf Elizabeth Hitler.

...dishonour the spirit und the... ...dishonour the spirit und the...

Elizabeth? Elizabeth?

Ja, that was his middle name.

Not many people know this...

...but the Führer was descended from a long line of English queens.

Is that right?


Adolf Elizabeth Hitler. Adolf Elizabeth Hitler.

Good. Now I sign your contract. Excellent! Excellent.

Here we are, sir. Right here on the dotted line.

There you are. You shall never regret this.

So thank you, Herr Liebkind. Alrighty, then.

Thank you.

Let it go. Let it go.


I forgot to tell you.

The penalty for breaking the Siegfried Oath... dess.

" Dess"?

Is that anything like "death"?


Sorry to hear that. Don't worry...

...we'll iron out all these thorny details over strudel.

Ta-ta, big guy. Here we go...

We're trapped! Trapped!

Got it.

Let's have lunch.

What nice guys.


I haven't been so happy since we crushed Poland.

Hello, the living room of renowned theatrical director...

...Roger DeBris' elegant Upper East Side townhouse...

...on a sunny Tuesday afternoon in June.

Who may I say is calling?

Listen, you broken- down old queen...

...he was drunk, he was hot, you got lucky.

Don't ever call here again. Who was that?

Wrong number.


Well, hi there.

I'm Max Bialystock and this is my associate, Mr. Bloom.

We have an appointment with renowned theatrical director...

...Roger DeBris. Ah, yes. Yes, please come in.

Please. Yes. Thank you.

I am Carmen Ghia...

...Mr. DeBris' common-law assistant.

You are expected.

May I take your hat, your coat and your swastikas?

Oh, these. We... We...

We just came from this big rally. Everybody was wearing them.

You didn't tell me we had those on? I didn't notice them.

You told me to look straight ahead. Yes, all right. Let's not fight. Okay?

Oh, Roger.

We're not alone.

Here's Roger.

Max, he's wearing a dress. No kidding.

Roger, good to see you again.

Messrs. Bialystock and Bloom, I presume?

Forgive the pun.

What pun? Shut up. He thinks he's witty.

Roger, may I say you look gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous.

By the way, Max, darling, we loved Funny Boy, didn't we?

Worshipped it.

To be or not to be You mean a lot to me Showstopper! Fabulous.

Oh, dear. Your Mr. Bloom is staring at my gown.

Well, I was... I should explain.

I'm going to the Choreographers' Ball. There is a prize for best costume.

We always win. I'm not so sure about this year.

I'm supposed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia...

...but I think I look more like the Chrysler Building.

Well, as far as I'm concerned, without your wig on, you're only half dressed.

Well, then, why don't you go and get it...

...oh, Wicked Witch of the West.

If your intention...

...was to shoot an arrow through my heart...

...bull's- eye!

Oh, Roger, let's face it, that building is you.

Listen, I know we sent it to you only this morning...

...but did you read Springtime for Hitler?

Read it? I devoured it.

And I find it remarkable. Remarkable!

I feel it is a very important piece, drenched with historical goodies.

I, for one, for instance, never realized that the Third Reich...

...meant Germany.

Yeah, how about that. Then you'll do it?

Do it? Of course not. It's not my kind of thing. I mean, Max, please.

World War II? Too dark, too depressing.

The theatre's so obsessed With dramas so depressed It's hard to sell a tick et on Broadway Shows should be more pretty Shows should be more witty Shows should be more What's the word?

Gay? Exactly.

No matter what you do on the stage Keep it light, k eep it bright Keep it gay Whether it's murder Mayhem or rage Don't complain, it's a pain Keep it gay People want laughter When they see a show The last thing they're after is A litany of woe A happy ending Will pep up your play Oedipus won't bomb If he winds up with Mom

- Keep it gay Keep it gay

- Keep it gay Keep it gay Couldn't agree more.

And you have our blessings, Roger... make Springtime for Hitler just as gay as anyone could possibly want.

So come on, do it for us. Please.

I'm sorry, Max. It's simply not my cup of tea.

Still, fair is fair.

I should ask my production team what they think.

Your production team, who are they?

You'll see. They all live here.

Guys! Come say hello to Bialystock and Bloom!

This is my set designer, Brian.


Keep it mad, k eep it glad Keep it gay Here's my costume designer, Kevin. Hello.

Keep it happy, k eep it snappy Keep it gay We're clever, creative It's our job to see That everything's perfect For Mr. DeBris Scott, my choreographer.

Hi there.

And, finally, last and least... lighting designer, Shirley Markowitz.

Keep it gay Keep it gay Keep it gay

Now, they all just read Springtime. What did you think of it, fellas?

- It needs glamour And glitz

- It needs sequins And tits Leo. Leo, I think we're losing them.

Go say something nice to Roger. I think he likes you.

But, Max... Go on. It's just show biz.

Mr. DeBris. Roger.

Roger, actually, I think your gown is very stunning.

Why, thank you, Mr. Bloom.


What is that enchanting cologne you're wearing?

Me? I'm not wearing any cologne.

You mean that smell is you?

Oh, God.

If I could bottle you, I'd shove you under my armpits every day.

Oh, Max. Max, we never should've started this.

I think we're getting in too deep. Too deep? This is nothing.

I'll tell you when we're getting in too deep.

And so the rule is When mounting a play Keep it funny Keep it sunny Keep it gay What should we do? Relax. Watch this.

Roger, l...

I think that Springtime for Hitler would be a marvellous opportunity for you.

I mean, up to now, you've always been associated with...

Dare I say it? ...frivolous musicals.

You're right. I've often felt as though...

...l've been throwing my life away on silly entertainments.

Dopey showgirls in gooey gowns.

Two, three, kick, turn, turn, turn, kick, turn.

Roger. It's enough to make you heave.

Nonetheless, I'm sorry, Max, I just couldn't do Springtime for Hitler.

Why not? Think of the respect. No.

Think of the prestige. No, no, no.

Think of the Tony!

Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony What's the matter? Is he all right?

He's having a stroke. What?

Of genius! I see it at last.

The chance to do something important.

Roger DeBris presents History Of course that second act has to be rewritten.

They're losing the war? Excuse me, that's too downbeat.

Roger DeBris presents History But maybe...

It's a wild idea, but it just might work.

I See A line Of beautiful girls Dressed as storm troopers Each one a gem With leather boots And whips on their hips

- It's risqué, dare I say, S & M Love it!

I see German soldiers Dancing through France Played by chorus boys In very tight pants And wait, there's more They'll win the war And the dances they do Will be daring and new Turn, turn, kick, turn. One, two, three, kick, turn.

Keep it sassy, k eep it classy Keep it...

That is brilliant, brilliant, brilliant!

I speak for Mr. Bloom and myself, Roger...

...when I say you are the only man in the world...

...who could do justice to Springtime for Hitler.

Will you do it, please? Please.

Wait a minute. This is a very big decision.

It might affect the course of my life.

I shall have to think about it. I'll do it.

I'll do it Sabu, champagne!

If at the end You want them to cheer Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay Whether it's Hamlet, Othello Or Lear Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay Comedy's joyous A constant delight Dramas annoy us And ruin our night So k eep your Strindbergs And Ibsens at bay

- I'll sign Sign

- Sign Sign

- Sign Sign Sign!

Roger Elizabeth DeBris.

Keep it gay Conga! Everybody!

And so the rule is When mounting a play Keep it gay Keep it gay Stop it.

Keep it gay

Exclusive Broadway rights to the worst show ever written...

...and a signed contract with the worst director who ever lived.

We're in business.

And what a business.

In the same day, I'm taking the Siegfried Oath...

...and dancing the conga with a cop, a sailor...

...and an extremely friendly Cherokee Indian.

Yeah. Oh, well.

It's not easy being a Broadway producer.

But together we'll make it. Partners, Leo. Partners all the way...

...and nothing or no one will ever come between us.

Nothing or no one, Max.

Come in. Come in.

Bialystock and Bloom?

What? Oh, excuse me.


Casting today?

Cahstink? Cahstink? Cahstink?

Casting! Casting.

No, no, no, miss. We're not casting yet.

We don't even know when we're beginning rehearsals...

Yes, we just started casting today. Yes.

We're casting? Yes. Yes, we're casting.

If you don't mind, just once in my life...

...l'd like to see somebody on that couch who's under 85.

What's your name, my dear?

My name is Ulla Inga...

...Hansen Benson Yonsen Tallen- Hallen Svaden Svanson.

Wait. Wait. What's your first name?

That was my first name.

You wanna hear my last name?

We don't have the time. We'll just call you Ulla.

Okay? Yeah. What do you do, Ulla?

Ulla sing and dance. Oh, yeah?

You want Ulla make audition? Oh, no, miss.

- That won't be nece... Yes, it is " nece."

Extremely nece.

Please. Please make audition. Make audition all over the office.

What are you going to sing? Well...

...yesterday when I was stepping out of a big, white Rolls-Royce limo...

...a crazy man yelled something out the window...

...that inspired me to write this song.

When you got it Flaunt it Step right up and strut your stuff People tell you modesty's a virtue But in the theatre Modesty can hurt you When you got it Flaunt it Show your assets Let 'em know you're proud Your goodies you must push Stick your chest out Shake your tush When you got it Shout it out loud Now Ulla dance.

When you got it Show it Put your hidden treasures On display Violinists love to play an E string But audiences really love a G-string When you got it Shout it Let the whole world hear What you're about Clothes may make the man All a girl needs is a tan When you got it Let it hang out Remember when Ulla dance? Yeah.

Ulla dance again.

Ulla dance again!

When I was just a little girl In Sweden My thoughtful mother Gave me this advice If nature blesses you From top to bottom Show that top to bottom Don't think twice Now Ulla belt.

Don't think twice!

When you got it Share it Let the public feast Upon your charms People say that being prim Is proper But every showgirl knows That prim will stop her When you got it Give it Don't be selfish Give it all away

Don't be shy Be bold and cute Show the boys your birthday suit When you got it If you got it Once you got it Shout out


Okey- dokey.

You like it?

Like... Like it?

I want you to know, my dear, that even though we're sitting down...

...we're giving you a standing ovation.

She's in the show.

Wait, Max. Max, we don't even know if there's a part for her in the show.

Would you excuse us, my dear?

Nonsense, Bloom.

Bloom, do I have to teach you everything?

There is always a part for the producer's girlfriend.

But we don't even know when we're starting rehearsal yet.

So what? So what? We're producers, aren't we?

So until she goes into the show, she can work for us here.

Because we need... Nay, deserve to have ourselves a...

Deserve to have ourselves a gorgeous Swedish secretary/receptionist.

But, Max, a secretary who doesn't speak English? What will people say?

They'll say:

Offer her the job, please?

Just a moment, miss.

We might have a position for you.

As a matter of fact, we might have several positions for you.

Until the show gets going...

...we can offer you a job here as a secretary/receptionist.



I can do that.

Answer telephone.

Bialystock and Bloom.

Bialystock and Bloom.

Smart as a whip.

You're hired!

Well... Well, all right. If he says so, I don't have a...


And maybe you can tidy up around here a little bit too.

Tidy up? Tidy up.

Such a funny word. What means "tidy up"?

You know, clean. Make look nice.

Oh, yeah. Ulla can make tidy up. Very good.

What time can you be here in the morning?

Well, Ulla wake up every morning, 5 a.m.

From 5 to 7, Ulla like to exercise.

From to 7 to 8, Ulla like to take long shower.

From to 8 to 9, Ulla like to have big Swedish breakfast.

Many different herrings.

From to 9 to 11, Ulla like to practice her singing and her dancing.

And at 11, Ulla like to have sex.

What time should I get here?

Eleven. Eleven.

Good. Ulla will come at 11.

Ulla will come at 11.

God bless America!

God bless Sweden.

Oh, Max. Max, she's fantastic.

The most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

I've never felt this way before.

It's like a volcano erupting inside of me... hot lava rising higher and higher and...

What is that, Max?

What is it?

It's called an erection. It's either that or malaria.

But don't worry, they have shots for everything now.

Come here, I want to show you something.

What do you see? Nothing.

Exactly. But now that we've got our sure- fire flop...'s gonna be our job to fill that safe with 2 million dollars.

Two million? Gee, how much do we put in?

How much...? How much do we put in?


...the two cardinal rules of being a Broadway producer...

...are one, never put your own money in the show.

And two?

Never put your own money in the show!

Get it? Got it.

Good. So how do we raise the money?

How? I'll tell you how.

From my investors.

Hundreds of little old ladies...

...all looking to Max Bialystock for one last thrill on their way to the cemetery.

So in the days to come, Bloom, you shall see very little of me.

And right now, I'd like to see very little of you.

Scram while I get myself ready.

For Max Bialystock is about to launch himself...

...into little- old-lady land.

The time has come To be a lover from the Argentine To slick my hair down With brilliantine And gargle heavily With Listerine

It's time for Max To put his back ers on their backs And thrill them with amazing acts Those aging nymphomaniacs

They were helpless They were hopeless Then along came Bialy They were joyless They were boy-less Then along came Bialy They're my angels I'm their devil And I k eep those embers aglow When I woos 'em I can't lose 'em

'Cause I cast my spell And they start yellin'

"Fire down below!"

So romantic They were frantic Then their prayers were heard Up above Heaven sent them Their Bialy I'm the celebration of love

Who is it? Who is it?

It's Max Bialystock.


Fire down below!

We were listing We were sinking Then along came Bialy We were desperate We were drinking

- Then along came Bialy Who's your daddy?

So romantic We were frantic Then our prayers were heard Up above It's Bialy Hey, Bialy He's the culmination The restoration The consummation The titillation Ejaculation He's the celebration of love

Thank you.

Bloom! Bloom!

What, Max? What?

I've done it. I've done it, I've raised the 2 million.

Now all we have to do is put on the biggest flop in history.

That's great!

We can't miss

I gotta make the next payment on the theatre by 3:00 or else...

Sorry, wrong office.

Bialystock. Bloom.

Max. Leo.

Ulla? Ulla?

What happened to the office?

Like you tell Ulla, "tidy up."

Tidy "oop"?

How did you find the time to do all this?

I skip lunch. Of course you did.

Very nice. She skipped lunch.

Almost 3. That payment to the Shuberts.

I'll get the cash from the safe.

You make sure all those contracts are signed.

Yes, Max.

She painted over the numbers.

Hello, boys.

Nobody knows what I went through to get you.

Ulla knows.

You had to shtupp every little old lady in New York.

That's right. That's right.

And I've still got the denture bites to prove it.

Work, work, work. Work, work, work.

So, Mr. Bloom.

We are all alone.

Yes, we are, aren't we?

Why Bloom go so far camera right?

Bloom no like Ulla?

Ulla like Bloom.

Bloom like Ulla, all right.

Maybe a little too much. Good.

I'm glad.

Why Bloom need blue blanket?

Oh, it's not important.

It's just a minor compulsion. It's that I've...

I've had it ever since I was a baby, and I...

You're a little too close.

The urge to merge Can rob us of our senses The need to breed Can make a man a drone We must be on alert With our defences For every skirt will test Testosterone So knowing this I severed all connection With any creature Sporting silk or lace I was firmly headed In the right direction When suddenly I stumbled on That face That face That face That dangerous face I mustn't be unwise Those lips That nose Those eyes Could lead to my demise That face That face That marvellous face I never should begin Those cheeks That neck That chin Will surely do me in I must be smart And hide my heart If she's within a mile If I don't duck I'm out of luck She'd kill me with her smile

That face That face That fabulous face It's clear I must beware I'm certain if I fall in love I'm lost without a trace But it's worth it For that face Bloom help Ulla down?

All right. Bloom help Ulla down.

That face That face That lovable face It melts my Swedish heart I'm certain if I fall in love I'm lost without a trace But it's worth it For that face

Again! Arabesque, prepare...

...pirouette and twirl.

And goose step, goose step...

...waltz-clog and kick. Again!

Arabesque, prepare, pirouette and twirl.

And goose step, goose step, waltz-clog and kick! Again!

Arabesque, prepare, pirouette!

Halt! Halt.

Halt! Halt!

This is bedlam! Bedlam! This is bedlam! Bedlam!

Shut up!

We must have some order here.

Will all the dancing Hitlers please wait off-stage right...

...and all the singing Hitlers off-stage left.

Get that way.

Carmen, call in a singing Hitler, please.

Yes, darling... Roger.

"Jacques LaPidus."

"Jacques LaPidus."

"Jack Lapidus."

Well, Jack, what are you going to sing for us?

I would like to sing "A Wandering Minstrel I."

If you must.

A wandering minstrel I A thing of shreds and

- Thank you! Patches Next, please.

" Donald Dinsmore."

Well, Donald, if we...

Well, Donald, l...

Hi, how are you? That's all right, Donald.

Hello. Yes.

Now, what are you going to sing for us, friend?

I'd like to sing "The Little Wooden Boy."

Thank you.


"Jason Green."

Well, Jason, what have you been up to lately?

For the last 16 years, I have been touring in No No Nietzsche.

You played Nietzsche? No, no.

What are you gonna sing for us?

" Have You Ever Heard the German Band?"

No. That is the name of the song...

...I am going to sing.

Play it, please.

Speed it up.

Haben Sie gehört Das deutsche Band?

Mit a bang Mit a boom Mit a bing-bang bing-bang boom Oh, haben Sie gehört...

Halt! Halt!

Halt! No, no, no.

This man could never play Adolf Hitler.

The Führer wasn't a mousy little mama's boy.

The Führer was butch!

And that is not how you sing...

..." Haben Sie gehört das deutsche Band?"

This is how you sing " Haben Sie gehört das deutsche Band?"

B-flat. Two-two time!

Modulate at the bridge!

Haben Sie gehört Das deutsche Band?

Mit a bang Mit a boom Mit a bing-bang bing-bang boom Oh, haben Sie gehört Das deutsche Band?

Mit a bang Mit a boom Mit a bing-bang bing-bang boom Russian folk songs Und French ooh-la-la Can't compare With the German oom-pah-pah We're saying Haben Sie gehört Das deutsche Band?

Mit a zetz Mit a zap Mit a zing Polish polkas They're stupid und they're rotten It don't mean a thing If it ain't got that Schweigen-reigen-schone- Schutzen-schmutzen Sauerbraten Key change!

We're saying Haben Sie gehört Das deutsche Band?

Mit a zetz Mit a zap Mit a zing It's the only kind of music That we Hans und our honeys Love to sing That's our Hitler!

Have your tickets ready. Have your tickets ready.

This way, please. This way, please.

Take your seats.

Good evening, sir. Nice to see you.

Enjoy the show. Thank you.

Oh, Mr. Bloom. Oh, Mr. Bloom.

You look so handsome. Thank you.


Leo, who said you could wear that hat?

Nobody, Max. But I thought now that I'm the producer of a Broadway show...

Has the curtain gone up yet? No.

Has the curtain come down yet? No.

Then you're not a producer yet. Give me that hat.

Mr. Bloom! Leo.

Your tie is all askew.

Askew. Oh, thank you, Ulla.

Have a good show.

Roll them in the aisles.

Okey- dokey.

I will try to.

But there's just so many of them.

Gee, I thought we were partners, sharing everything 50-50.

Now I'm out in the cold, and you two are busy askewing each other.

Askewing? Never, Max.

Hugs and kisses, yes, but that's as far as I go.

Gunter, you will pick me up back here right after the curtain.

Oh, God, will they love us? Will they hate us?

The suspense is killing me.

I know. I feel like I'm going into labour.

Messrs. Bialystock and Bloom. Well, gentlemen, merde.

And I just wanna wish everybody good luck.

What? What did you say? Bite your tongue.

Well, what's the matter? All I said was "good luck."

He said it again. Hasn't anyone ever told you?

It's bad luck to say "good luck" On opening night If you do I tell you It is certain by the curtain You are through Good luck.

It's bad luck to say "good luck" On opening night Once it's said You are dead You will get the worst reviews You ever read Good luck.

Even at the Comédie Française On the opening night They are scared

"Bonne chance, mes amis" No one says

- The only word you'll ever hear is Merde Good luck, good luck, good luck.

It's verboten Wishing luck on opening night Take advice Don't think twice Or your show will surely end up In the Scheiss At the famous La Scala in Milan On opening night it's a rule

"Al bocca lupo," they say with élan And just for luck they all shout

- "Vaffanculo" I got it Now I'll never say "good luck" On opening night That's the rule I'm no fool What do I say, I beg?

What you say is "break a leg"

Break a leg? Yeah.

Break a leg. Break a leg.

If you're clever Good luck.

You'll endeav our To never, never, never, never Ever, ever, ever say On opening night Five minutes to curtain. Curtain going up in five minutes.

I'm late. I must run!

Break a leg! Break a leg!

Franz, what happened?

I broke my leg.

Now we'll have to cancel the show and give everyone their money back.

Money back?

Money back?

Money back.

Don't ever say that again. Money back?

Never. We gotta think of something else.

But Franz plays Hitler, Max, and he has no understudy.

You're right. What are we gonna do? There must be a way out.

If I could only think of something. Some way. Some...

Hold it. I got it. Roger, you. You could play Hitler.

You know every line in the show.

I've seen you at rehearsal, always moving your lips along with the actors.

It's an embarrassing habit. I'm trying to break myself of it.

But me play Hitler? No! There's no way I could go on tonight.

I don't have the strength. I don't have the courage.

I can't do it! I can't do it! I can't do it!

Wow, that hurt. Roger.

Listen to me.

You can do it.

You know you can do it, and I know you can do it.

You've been waiting all your lifetime for this chance.

And I'm not gonna let you pass it up.

You're going out there a silly, hysterical, screaming queen.

But you're coming back a great big...

...passing-for-straight Broadway star.

All right. You're right.

I'll do it! By God, I'll do it!

I've got to get into makeup. Quick, get Franz's Hitler moustache.

And, oh! My lucky Gloria Swanson mole.

Got it!

Leo, the overture.

Let's go.

Max. What?

This is it!

Good luck, Leo. Good luck, Max.

Germany was having trouble What a sad, sad story Needed a new leader To restore its former glory Where, oh, where was he?

Where could that man be?

We look ed around And then we found The man for you and me

And now it's Springtime for Hitler and Germany Deutschland is happy and gay We're marching to a faster pace Look out Here comes the master race Springtime for Hitler and Germany Rhineland's a fine land once more Springtime for Hitler and Germany Watch out, Europe We're going on tour Springtime for Hitler and Germany Look, it's springtime Winter for Poland and France Springtime for Hitler and Germany Springtime Springtime Springtime Springtime Springtime Springtime Springtime Come on, Germans Go into your dance

I was born in Düsseldorf And that is why they call me Rolf Don't be stupid, be a smarty Come and join the Nazi Party

Well, I never! Talk about bad taste.

Come on, let's get out of here before they kill us.

The Führer is coming The Führer is coming The Führer is coming

- Heil Hitler Heil Hitler Heil Hitler Springtime for Hitler and Germany Heil Hitler

Heil myself Heil to me I'm the Kraut who's out To change our history Heil myself Raise your hand There's no greater dictator In the land

- Everything I do, I do for you Yes, you do If you're looking for a war Here's World War II Heil myself Raise your beer Every hotsy-totsy Nazi Stand and cheer Hooray Heil myself Heil myself Every hotsy-totsy Nazi Stand and cheer He's so cute Let's give a salute and heil Heil myself

I love you.

I was just a paperhanger No one more obscurer Got a phone call from the Reichstag Told me I was Führer Germany was blue Oh, what, oh, what to do?

Hitched up my pants And conquered France Now Deutschland's smiling through Oh, it ain't no mystery If it's politics or history The thing you gotta know is Everything is show biz Heil myself Watch my show I'm the German Ethel Merman Don't you know?

We are crossing borders The New World Order is here Make a great big smile Everyone "Sieg Heil" to me Wonderful me And now it's springtime Springtime for Hitler and Germany

- Goose step Goose step's the new step today Bombs falling from the skies again Deutschland is on the rise again

Springtime for Hitler and Germany U- boats are sailing once more Springtime for Hitler and Germany

- Means that Soon we'll be going

- We've got to be going You know we'll be going You bet we'll be going You know we'll be going To war


"A satiric masterpiece."

No way out.

"A surprise smash."

No way out.

" It was shocking, outrageous, insulting...

...and I loved every minute of it."

No way out!

How could this happen?

We picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast.

Where did we go right?

" Congratulations."

What are you doing? I'm taking these books...

...and I'm leaving.

Don't try and stop me. I've made up my mind.

Wait. Where do you think you're going?

I'm turning myself in. It's the only way.

I'm going to play ball with the IRS.

I'm going to cooperate with the authorities.

They'll reduce my sentence, there's time off for good behaviour.

Maybe I'll get a job in the prison library.

Please keep in touch. It's been very nice working with you.

Leo. Leo. Leo.

Frightened Leo. Nervous Leo, relax.

Take it easy, all right?

You're overwrought. You don't know what you're doing.

You're acting out of panic.

Give me those frigging books! Give me!

Give me! Give me! Give me! I never should've listened to you.

I was an honest man before I met you.

An honest man? You were an honest mouse!

Give me. Give me. How I hate you!

Double! Double! Double!

Fat! Fat!

I'm not that fat.




Fatso! You fat, fat, fatty, fatty, fat walrus.

Give me the fat books!

Never, never! Fat, fat, fatty, fat!

Oh, Jesus! Give them to me!

Give me the books!

Congratulations! Congratulations!

Give it to me! Give it to me! No! No!

Give it to me! Give it to me! No! No!

Now, that's what I call celebrating.

You. You lousy fruit.

You ruined me. You ungrateful breeder.

After he stepped in and saved your little show, I cannot... My chains!

Leave him alone! My Italian chains! My chains!

You have broken the Siegfried Oath.

You must die. You all must die!

What are you doing, you neo- Nazi nitwit?

Your show's a hit. Who cares?

You made a fool out of Hitler.

He didn't need our help. He didn't need our help.

Stand still! How can I shoot you if you keep moving?

Get back here!

Under the desk! Under the desk!

Darling, quick, back in the closet. Okay.

This is no good.

I'm not killing anybody.

You must cooperate!

All right, Bialystock und Bloom.

Now I got you.

Say your prayers!

Remember I'd tell you when we're in too deep?

Yeah? We're in too deep.

Franz, don't do it! Please, I beg you!

Oh, no, no.

You snivelling cowards!

Cringing under a desk?

Clinging to life like baby butterflies.

Franz Liebkind will show you how to die like a man!

Jammed. Boy, when things go wrong...

That's it. Next time, no author.

What are you shooting at us for anyway?

You Teutonic twit!

Wait. Wait a minute.

I just got an idea.

A way to close the show.

Franz, l...

There, there. Where? Where?

Franz, listen to me.

Why don't you use this where it'll do some good.

Why don't you shoot the actors. The actors?

Yes, the actors.

Everybody laughed at your beloved Führer tonight, and why?

Because of the actors. The actors were making fun of him.

Yeah, you're right, the actors!

Yes. Here, go, buy bullets.

Kill. Kill all the actors. I must kill all the actors.

Wait a minute!

What are you talking about?

What do you mean, "kill the actors"? You can't kill the actors.

Actors are not animals. They're human beings.

They are? Have you ever eaten with one?

Here. Listen... Open up, it's the police!

The police! The police!

Come on, boys.

I was never a member of the Nazi Party. I had nothing...

You, drop that gun.

Ociffers! What's going on here?

This crazy Kraut is crackers!

He crashed in here and crassly tried to kill us.

Oh, Roger, what alliteration. Thank you, darling.

Okay, youse two can go.

Thank you. Thank you.

Tried to kill him, eh?

Officer O'Rourke, take this man in.

Next stop, Sing Sing.

Sing Sing? You'll never take me alive!

What happened? I broke my other leg.

All right, who are you, and why was he trying to shoot you?

I haven't the slightest idea, Sergeant O'Toole.

The name is O'Bialystock.

I was just passing by on me way to the Pat O'Brien Film Festival...

...and I ducked in to see what the hell was going on.

And now I'll be on me way, before me voice gets any higher.

As we say in the old country, "Taxi!"

Hold it!

Hey, sarge, look at this.

What? I found these two accounting books.

This one says, "Show to the IRS." And what's the other one say?

" Never show to the IRS."

I think the three of you better come downtown with me.

Three? Yeah, you and them two books.

Mr. Bialystock?

Mr. Bloom?

Where are you?

Everyone is waiting for you at the opening-night party.

Ulla, help me.

What happened to you?

I know.

You hung up your coat while you were still in it.

Thank you for helping me down.

What were you doing up there?


I was hiding.

From who? From what?

From the police.

They were just here. They've arrested Max.

They found the books? I don't know what to do.

Poor Max.

Maybe I should turn myself in and go to jail with him.

Well, my sweet cupcake, I know we both love Max...

...but it seems to me you have two choices.

Number one, you can go to jail with Mr. Bialystock...

...for years and years and years.

Or number two... can take that 2 million dollars and Ulla, and go to Rio.

Oh, my God, what a dilemma.

Oh, what should I do?

Should I go to jail or go to Rio?

Mail call.

Hey, fatso.

I'm not that fat!

Says you.

You got a postcard.

A postcard? From where?



Who do I know in Brazil?

Why am I asking you?

" Dear Max, Rio is everything you said it was and more.

Ulla and I think of you every chance we get.

In the morning, when we have breakfast on our terrace...

... many different herrings.

In the afternoon, when we rub each other's sun-drenched bodies...

... with banana-cream coconut oil, number 15.

And then, in the evening, when we samba together in the moonlight."

You'll find your happiness in Rio The beaches there Are strewn with pearls The tropic breezes Always blow there And so, we hear Do the girls

"Sorry, must run. Ulla's waiting.

It's almost 11.

Wish you were here.

Your pal, Leo."

Just like Cain and Abel You pulled a sneak attack I thought that we were brothers Then you stabbed me in the back Betrayed Oh, boy, I'm so betrayed Like Samson and Delilah Your love began to fade I'm crying in the hoosegow You're in Rio getting laid Betrayed Let's face it, I'm betrayed Boy, have I been tak en Oy, I'm so forsak en I should have seen What came to pass I should have known To watch my ass I feel like Othello Everything is lost Leo is lago Max is double-crossed I'm so dismayed Did I mention I'm betrayed?

Now I'm about to go to jail There's no one who will pay my bail I have no one who I can cry to No one I can say goodbye to I'm drowning!

I'm drowning!

I'm drowning here!

I'm going down for the last time.

I can see my whole life flashing before my eyes.

I see a weathered old farmhouse with a white picket fence.

I'm running through fields of alfalfa with my collie, Rex.

No, Rex, not on the alfalfa.

And I see my mother.

I see Mama standing on the back porch... a worn but clean gingham gown.

And I hear my mama calling out to me.


Don't forget your chores.

The wood needs a-cording and the cows need a-milking.

Alvin! Alvin!

Wait a minute.

My name's not Alvin.

That's not my life.

Somebody else's life is flashing before my eyes.

What the hell is that about?

I'm not a hillbilly. I grew up in the Bronx.

Leo's taken everything, even my past.

My past's a dying ember But wait, now I remember How did it begin? He walk ed into my office With his cockamamie scheme You can make more money With a flop than with a hit We can do it We can do it I can't do it We can do it I can't do it Goodbye, Max Lord, I want that money I'm back, Max Come on, Leo, we can do it Step one, find the play See it, smell it, touch it, kiss it Hello, Mr. Liebkind Guten Tag hop hop Guten Tag clop clop Adolf Elizabeth Hitler?

Guten Tag hop hop Guten Tag clop clop Step two, hire the director Keep it gay, k eep it gay, k eep it...

Two, three, kick, Turn, turn, turn, kick, turn Ulla Step three, raise the money Along came Bialy Step four, hire all the actors A wandering minstrel I A thing of shreds and...

Next The little wooden boy Next That's our Hitler Break a leg I broke my leg Springtime for Hitler and Germany A surprise smash Springtime for Hitler and Germany It'll run for years! Where did we go right?

Where did we go right?

Give me those books Fat, fat, fatty Give me those books Fat, fat, fatty Books, fat, books, fat Books, fat, books, fat Lousy fruit Kill the actors You ever eat with one?

Then you ran to Rio And you're safely out of reach I'm behind these bars You're banging Ulla on the beach Just like Julius Caesar Was betrayed by Brutus Who'd think an accountant Would turn out to be my Judas I'm so dismayed Is this how I'm repaid?

To be Betrayed Betrayed

Gentlemen of the jury, have you reached your verdict?

Yes, Your Honour, we have.

We find the defendant...

...incredibly guilty.

Hold me, touch me.

I'm a little busy.

Does the defendant have anything to say on his own behalf?

Yes, Your Honour, I do.

I admit, for the last 20 years I've been a lying, double- crossing...

...two-faced, backstabbing, despicable crook.

But I had no choice.

I was a Broadway producer.

A man without a conscience...

...and with no one who gave a damn about him.

And that, Your Honour, is what hurts the most.

I thought I'd at last found a loyal partner.

A man I cared about...

...and who I thought cared about me.

What breaks my heart is now...

...when I need him most, he's deserted me.

I will probably never see or hear from him ever again.

That's not true!

Order! Order in the court!

And stop that samba!

Who are you? I am Leopold Bloom...

...Max Bialystock's partner.

And who are you, my dear?

My name is Ulla Inga Hansen Benson...

...Yonsen Tallen- Hallen Svaden Svanson Bloom.


- You're his wife? Ja, Your Honour.

He wouldn't do it unless we got married.

What a schmuck.

Now, Mr. Bloom, why in the world would you...

...want to come back here and give yourself up?

Why? To speak on his behalf.

We all know that Max Bialystock is a lying, double- crossing...

...two-faced, slimy, manipulative, underhanded...


...don't help me.

Your Honour... Your honour, if I may address the court.

The law was created to protect people from being wronged.

So whom has Max Bialystock wronged?

Well, not these dear ladies. No.

And not me, not...

Not me.

I was this nobody.

No one ever called me "Leo" before.

I mean, Your Honour, I know it isn't a big legal point...

...but even when I was in kindergarten everybody always called me "Bloom."

I guess what I'm trying to say is that even when I was in Rio...

...and had everything I'd ever dreamed of...

...I suddenly realized that...

That this man...

This man...

No one ever made me Feel like someone Till him

Life was really nothing But a glum one Till him My existence bordered on the tragic Always timid Never took a chance Then I felt his magic And my heart began to dance I was always frightened Fraught with worry Till him

I was going nowhere in a hurry Till him He filled up my empty life Filled it to the brim There could never Ever be another one Like him



...I never realized.

You're a good singer. Thank you.

No, really, like a professional. Well, I sang it for you, Max.

I sang it because I'm your friend.

You are?

I've had a lot of relationships...

...but you couldn't call any of them "friend."

But come to think of it... one ever, ever really knew me.

Till him Everyone was always out To screw me Till him Never met a man I ever trusted Always dealt with shysters In the past Now I'm well-adjusted

'Cause I've got a friend at last

Don't help me.

Always playing singles Never doubles Till him

Never had a pal To share my troubles Till him He filled up my empty life

- Filled it to the brim Filled it to the brim There could never ever be Another one

Like him

Gentlemen, it breaks my heart... break up such a beautiful friendship.

So I won't.

Five years in the state penitentiary at Sing Sing.

Gotta sing, sing Gotta sing, sing Oh, you can lock us up Und lose the k ey But hearts in love Are always free Come on, boys.

Prisoners of love Blue skies above

'Cause we're still prisoners of love Congratulations.

You now own 45 percent...

...of Prisoners of Love. Next!

How much have you sold so far? Six hundred percent.

Is that all? Keep selling. Keep selling.

All right, break it up! Break it up! Quiet! Give me that.

How many times do I have to tell you guys?

No knife fights in rehearsal.

Hi. What are you in for, lack of rhythm?

Get in line. Everybody get in line, right away!

All right, you animals, let's take it all together!

From the top! Hit it, Franz!

Prisoners of love Blue skies above

- Can't k eep our hearts in jail Tempo, fellas! Pick up that tempo!

- Prisoners of love That's it.

- Our turtledoves Okay, just the murderers!

Hey, you.

The warden wants to get in on this thing.

Tell the warden he now owns 100 percent of Prisoners of Love.

Thank you. Sing out, criminals.

Let them hear you in solitary.

Take it home, boys.

We open in Leavenworth on Saturday night!

Hey, Bialystock, Bloom, Liebkind, good news!

This just came from the governor.

"Gentlemen, you are hereby granted a full pardon...

...for having, through song and dance, brought joy and laughter...

...into the hearts of every murderer, rapist and sex maniac in Sing Sing."

You're free! Free?

Next stop, Prisoners of Love on Broadway!

Broadway! Adolf, you must tell the other birds.

But hearts in love Are always free

Gotta sing, sing Sing, sing Prisoners of love Blue skies above

- Can't k eep our hearts in jail Can't k eep our hearts in jail Prisoners of love

- Our turtledoves Soon coming 'round with bail

- Tote that bale Oh, you can lock us up And lose the k ey But hearts in love Are always free Prisoners of love Blue skies above

'Cause we're still prisoners We're still prisoners We're still prisoners of love

- Love, love, love Love, love, love, love Love, love, love, love Love

Leo and Max Up off our backs Back on the Great White Way Leo and Max Back on our tracks We're back on top to stay So when we take your money Never fear We'll knock Broadway Right on its ear The cast is great The script is swell But this we're telling you, sirs It's just no go You've got no show Without the producers

We'll never quit Hit after hit

The producers Leo and Max

The overture is over The curtain starts to rise You're suddenly in clover You can't believe your eyes You're sitting on the aisle You break into a smile Why this magic feeling?

And then you realize That there is Nothing like a show on Broadway Nothing like a Broadway show Hearts will skip a beat on Broadway If you're feeling blue I'm telling you That's the place to go Movies drag Their endings sag TV's just a bore So hit the street And move your feet To the place we all adore Because there's nothing Like a show on Broadway There's nothing Like a Broadway show It's often been said The theatre is dead The critics repeat it en masse But the theatre's alive It's gonna survive Although it's a pain in the ass You waited forever And finally got tick ets To get to your seat You gotta cross pick ets The guy to your right Is frightfully tight The guy to your left Appears to have rick ets The music's yuck The lyrics suck The casting is all wrong And when you reach the bathroom The line is five miles long But still there's nothing Like a show on Broadway There's nothing Like a Broadway show You swear you'll never go again It's simply not worthwhile You make that vow And then somehow

- You're back there on the aisle You're back there on the aisle That's why there's Nothing like a show On Broadway There's nothing Like a Broadway show Till you're in movies There's nothing Like a Broadway show And though it is expensive At a hundred bucks a throw There's nothing Like a Broadway show!

Don't forget to buy Mein Kampf... paperback.

Available near you... Borders books...

...or Barnes & Noble...

...und amazon. Com.

Thanks for coming To see our show Sad to tell you We got to go Grab your hat And head for the door In case you didn't notice There ain't any more If you like our show Tell everyone but If you think it stinks Keep your big mouth shut We're glad you came but We have to shout

- Adíos Au rev oir

- Wiedersehen Ta-ta-ta

- Goodbye Get lost Get out It's over.