The Professor (2018) Script

[soft orchestra music playing]

[door opens]

[door closes]



[doctor] It doesn't look good, Richard.

In fact, to be quite frank, it looks pretty bad.

Rather than beat around the bush, I'm just gonna come right out and say it.

Richard, you have stage four lung cancer.

The pain you've been experiencing in your upper back is actually the result of malignant tumors within your lungs, which it sadly appears you have for some time.

As we're catching this late in the game, your cancer has also had the opportunity to spread specifically to your spine, and adrenals.

[emotive music playing]

You wanna put in notice with the college.

You should notify Veronica and your daughter as soon as possible as treatment will begin immediately.

How long are we talking?

[doctor] With treatment, a year, a year and a half, if you're lucky.

And without?

[doctor] Probably six months.

I am so sorry, Richard.

[dramatic music playing]


[indistinct chatter]

[Peter] So let's make this a fantastic quarter.

We get that extra little bit of funding that we so desperately need.

Uh, any questions?


What...? Uhm... Okay.

[dramatic music continues]

[sighs] Fuck.

[music intensifies]

Jesus fucking Jesus.

Jesus. God. Fuck.

Fucking bastard!

Fuck! Jesus!

Fuck it, huh?

Fucking God!

Fuck you!

Fuck you.

[duck quacking]

[music continues softly]


Shall the atheist say grace then?

Shut up, Richard.

Of course, my dear.

I actually have something I wanna say.

Go ahead, kid. What do you got?

I wanted you to know that I'm gay.

[laughs] What on Earth?

[Richard] Jesus Christ.

Olivia, I thought it was something bad.

[laughs] No, you're not, Olive.

What do you mean I'm not?

You're not gay. I mean, you're not a lesbian.

[scoffs] Yeah, I am.

Yeah. No, I think I'd know my own sexual preference.

Uh, it's just a phase.

I, for one, think it's fantastic.

Don't placate her.

I'm not placating my daughter.

How dare you deny me like this.

I'm not denying you, sweetheart.

I'm just denying your call for attention or whatever else this is. That's all.

I know you, Olive, better than you know yourself.

No, mother. You know no shit about me.

Olivia, please come back, sweetheart. Olivia.

[Veronica sighs] Let her go.

Your finesse of parenting...

has always amazed me.

[Veronica] I also have something I'd like to say.

I can't wait.

I'm having an affair.

I'm having an affair and I thought you should know.

And why did you think I should know?

Because it's with Henry.

Henry who?

Henry Wright.

Henry Wright? Uh-hmm.

My boss?


No, no, no, no. Veronica. That's real revolting.

Are you out of your mind? Come on.

At least have a little bit of taste in your infidelity.

It's up to you, but I'd fucked a pool boy myself or a plumber.

Then had some fucking nutless sack.

[Veronica] I assure you it's not empty.


Henry has been blessed with a spare testicle.

Henry was blessed with a spare testicle?

Are you sure it's not a cyst or a cancerous growth?

Do you even care?

About his third nut?

No. No, I don't.

As far as I'm concerned, that real estate's lost its value long ago.

You're such an ass.


So let us drink to our holy matrimony.

Drink by yourself.

Much better idea.

Ugh. What was it you wanted to tell us?

[sighs] [clears throat]

I was, uh, afraid I overcooked the steaks.

[Veronica sighs] Such an asshole.

[clock chiming]

[girl] No, but that's not what she's saying at all.

She's laying the groundwork for the whole feminist movement.

Go on.

Like a hundred years in advance and...

[thud] [students gasps]

[boy] What was that?


Aren't you gonna do anything?

Like what?

I don't know. Call someone.

Were you friends with it?

Did you know it personally, by, like, by name?

It's a fucking bird.

I don't know who to call.

Can I continue? No, you may not.

[phone ringing]

Oh, whose phone is it? Is that your phone?

[student] Shit.

There we go. Here she is.


Mine. Sorry.

Um, I thought it was on vibrate but it's...

No, no, no, please, take your call. Stand up and take your call.

Please. Don't be shy.

Stand up and take your call.

[phone continues ringing]


I'm gonna call you back actually because I'm in class.

No, as in I'm in class.

Right now. I'm standing up.

[students laugh] I know it's weird. Okay.

Goodbye. Bye. Bye.

[boy laughs]

[Richard] Fascinating.

I'm sorry.

Oh, don't be.


From here on out, we're gonna do things very, very differently.

So for those of you who are not even remotely interested in being here, please leave.

Just simply walk out the door and you'll receive an automatic C.

I no longer have time to be wasted nor do I intend on wasting yours.

So for those of you who receive grades of, say, a C or worse, let's just be proactive.

Pack up your shit. And vamos now.


[soft cheerful music]

Good. Here we go.

If any of you have any intentions of studying business, get the fuck out now.

I'm not gonna say it again.

If you look down and you happen to find yourself in sweatpants or rather pants with the drawstring or something, just please leave. [girl] What?

Most important of all, if you've never read a book for our own internal pleasure... you don't belong here. Get out.

If any of you find yourself falling into any of these categories.

I assure you, you will not do better than a C.

[laughs] Here we go.

The government workers and the politicians included.

The, uh, sweatpants comment is not a joke.

I'm sick. I have a cold.

Right. Now, for those of you who are interested in learning from greater minds, and there are today, you're in charge of reading one book and one book only to this quarter.

After doing so, you will then stand up here and you will run a class of your own.

Excellent. There go the kings and queens of the water cooler, corporate whores of tomorrow.

C. Maybe not.

And then you will stand up here and you'll persuade your peers of the work's importance.

For that, you'll receive a B.

If you teach us something new, you receive an A.

Any questions?


Ah-ha. Yes. One more thing.

No feminist or queer propaganda.

The plight of unkempt women is truly the last thing I would like to think about right now.

[girl] I don't think you can do that.

[Richard] I just did. [scoffs]

And now, I shall embark on an emotional... bender for 72 hours.

Most likely, I'll be drinking alone and I'm all right with that.

So as a result, class is cancelled.

That's it.

Class dismissed.

Oh, yeah, by the way, if any of you sell marijuana or you know anyone who does, would you please visit me during office hours?

Thanks. Bye.

What the fuck?

I need to go on sabbatical next quarter.

I would... No, I can't give you a sabbatical, it takes a year.

A year to get that kind of thing done.

You're gonna have to do something to speed it up.

[laughs] No, I can't.

What do you want to go on a sabbatical for?

I would like to write the next great American novel.

Oh, yeah? Or novela, depending on the length. What's it about?

It's gonna be about an orphan who raises rabbits or bunnies around there.

And what's it called?

Right now, the tentative title is Bunny Fun Found because her name is Bunny and oddly enough, she was having fun... You're full of shit.

You're full of shit. You're having me on.

I have cancer, Peter. What?

I have cancer and it doesn't get look good.

Jesus Christ, Richard.

[ambient music playing]

I don't want to die here.

I don't wanna die here like this.

Please get me out. Just let me die alone.

Let me die in peace.

Oh, Richard.

No hands above the table.


What kind of cancer is it?

It's, uh, it's lung cancer.

You don't smoke.

No. I can now. [laughs]

Listen, this is what happens to everybody.

It's what happens to all of us.

I mean, you could be ridden with the same damn thing.

Why would you say something like that to me, huh?

No, no. I'm making a point. I'm sorry. It came out wrong.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That's allright.

[waitress] There you go.

I really hate these effeminate glasses.

What are we gonna do?

I'm gonna fill my medicine cabinet.


I'm gonna ride this thing out.

Wait, you're not gonna get treatments?



You owe me, Peter. Uh, yes.

Yes. Yes, of course.

Thank you.

You can let go of my hands now and then we can have a drink maybe.

Yeah. Thank you.

So to the months end.

To your health.

There's no need to be facetious.

I didn't mean to be facetious.

And don't go blabbering your little wet mouth about this.

No, no. This is no one's business. but my own Of course.

[Henry] I think your art is [siren wailing outside] brilliant, stunning, and a wonderful investment.

In fact... [sighs]

[siren continues wailing] could you do the whole campus?

Certainly with your talent... To the College of Florida?

That's my responsibility.

You don't need to worry about that.

To your latest infidelity.

And your honorable cuckolding.

[ambient music playing]


Ooh, what's that?

It's a white oblong pill.

Where did you get it?

We're well-to-do middle-aged wasps.

We can get prescriptions for anything we want, darling.


If you behave yourself...

I'll give you a blue triangular one next.

I heard you're quite fond of them.

Onto serious matters.

Go for it. And you know at heart, I don't give a damn about you and Henry.

You do whatever you please. But you have to realize that from here on out, I'll be living just as freely.

I've played a rather quiet role in the tragedy that is our marriage. and... quite frankly, I'm done.

It's time that we lived a bit closer to the... primal truth of it all.

So from this point on, let us fuck who we wanna fuck.

Let us ingest what we wanna ingest.

And all in all, just do whatever the hell we damn well please.

Here, here.

One request, that we do so discretely.

Let us at least attempt to keep the parental damage to our sweet lesbian love child to a minimum.

I wholeheartedly agree.

Wonderful. And the matter is settled.


Yes, dear?

Dare I ask if your equipment still works?

[Richard] I don't know.

I mean, sadly, it's laid dormant for years.

But if it doesn't, it's just one more prescription to fill.

Here's to, uh, our new lives.

And your new freedoms.

Now, hand over a blue one I've behaved myself admirably.

[Olivia] He was like this, um...

17th century poet who fell in love with his cousin and...

[glass breaking] [Veronica laughs]

...fell in love with his cousin? Oh, shit.

[Veronica] You're such an asshole.

[Taylor] What? My parents are home.

[Taylor] Hey. It's okay.

[Olivia] Can you promise not to judge me?

[Taylor] Don't worry, seriously.

[cheerful ambient music playing]

[Richard] It's broken. Hmm.

[Richard] I mean, the whole thing is broken.


[Richard] That's [mumbles]. [Veronica laughs]

Oh, Olivia. Look, dear.

It's Olivia and company. What's going on?

[Richard] Uh, your mom broke the lamp.


Are you all right?

Yes, darling. Of course, why wouldn't we be?

Because you seem like you're drunk or on drugs.

[Richard] Admittedly, we are on a bit of both.

[music continues]

But don't let that influence your decisions.

[Veronica] Oh, don't listen to him.

They're just prescriptions. I'm Veronica, Olivia's mother.

Hi, I'm Taylor.

Oh, nice to meet you...

[burps] Excuse me.

Careful, dear. Let's not exert yourself.

So is this... is she...

[Olivia] Taylor is Taylor, mother.

Yes, yes, of course, you are.

[Taylor giggles]

And by the way, I'm Richard.

Would you like a drink? Yes, please, come.

Join us for a drink. No, hang on. No.

You're being very creepy. We're going.

Creepy? [Olivia] Yes.

[Veronica] We're just having fun.

Come on.

Hey, well, it was very nice meeting you.

[Veronica] Bye. Nice to meet you.

That was pleasant.

So how do you think that went?

[Veronica] On a scale of one to ten, I'd say a four.


I'm only mildly disappointed in myself.

I feel ashamed. Yeah.

[music continues]

[Veronica] What happened to us, Richard?

What happened to us?


[Veronica] You know, if I could go back in time, I don't even know what it is I'm supposed to fix.

[Richard] Oh, I could readily think of many things.

I didn't ask you.


[Veronica] You're gonna break all our wedding presents.

Did you ever notice that they're all hollow?

Ah, what does that mean?

It doesn't matter.


[Richard laughing]


Yes, dear?

Thank you for helping me.

Of course.

[soft dramatic music playing]

Holding your hair back has always been one of my life's great honors.

I'm serious.

In ways, so am I.

Do you think Olivia hates me?


But she's supposed to.

I'm not a bad person.

I know you're not, Veronica.

No one ever said you were.

[indistinct chatter]

[Richard] Well, you are a... relatively attractive group of kids.

I mean, I see a few weak chins here and there.

But, uh, I think that's probably just due to some fine New England breeding. Hmm?

Beautiful mother, rich father, cold winter, that kind of thing.

Do you smoke?


You look like you do.

I do, Mr. Brown.

Would you mind if I have one?

No, not at all.

So, um... let's go through and introduce ourselves.

Any volunteers?

I'll go first. My name is Richard.

I'm your professor. Go ahead.




That was fucking wretched.



Who's next?

How about you?

Me? Yeah, you, girl with the phone.

Who are you, why should we know you, what do you want to do with your life?


I'm Claire.

I'm from Upstate New York.

Why you should know me?

I don't know. [chuckles]

Yeah. I don't know.

I guess because my uncle is the president of the school.

Ew. Henry Wright is your uncle?

Yes. I can't stand the fuck.


I don't really like him either.

That's very good to hear.

I mean, he's so peach melba.

Just slimy and...

I've got an idea.

How about we put a little pause to this shit and we go down to the bar, and we can run over it there.

My biological father actually met my mothers at a monthly compost meeting in Boston.

He's this social anthropologist over at a...

[Richard] Okay. Rose, go and grab two more pitchers for everybody, would you?

Why don't you just put them in your tab?

No, that's not the point.

See, I want you to go and get them.

And I want you go and get them now, please?

Can I get some hummus?

Yeah, get some hummus.

[soft ambient music]

Thank you.

Let me give you all a piece of advice.

Steer very clear of anyone who has even the faintest, slightest whip of intentional conception.

I was conceived intentionally.

Well, I need to know your name.

By the way, I hope your parents all told you that you fucking die at the end.

You're gonna die. You're gonna die.

You're gonna die. One day, even our blessed little Rose will die.

So, what I'm wondering is, why the fuck do we sort of float through this weird thing called life without living?

You know, live.

Don't exist. Don't simply exist.

That's boring as fuck. Live.

You know. Stir some shit up. Fuck some shit up.

Fuck it right. What I wanna focus on is enriching our lives.

And try to extract some sort of wisdom that we can carry with us.

You know, something other than mommy and daddy's baggage.

Ah, bless you, dear.

You know, I'd wink at you but I never learned how.

So I just thought you should know it.

Anybody want anything else? Yeah, could I get a whiskey?

Oh, that's fine.

She winked at me.

I got the hummus, so...

Christmas is saved.


[Richard] My God.

Here we go.

May we forever remember that in each and every moment, we are composing the stories of our lives.

Let's aim to make it a meaningful read or at least, an interesting one, yeah?

All right. Cheers.

[students] Cheers.

Now, if you will excuse me, I intend to explore a smidgen of infidelity.

[Veronica] What the fuck?

[Richard] All right, kids. Have fun.

♪ School is over! ♪ I'm so sorry.

Just fuck me. Okay.

♪ Time to build A summer dream ♪

♪ Do be do be do... ♪ You don't have to make any choices at all.

We can cover it all. We could renovate science hall.

We could bring in a new chair to the English department.

Well, I said, "Well, of course, that goes without saying."

♪ Zoom, do be do be do be Zoom, do be do be ♪

♪ Zoom, zoom, zoom, Be do be do ♪

♪ I feel so happy In the summer time ♪

♪ We'll be together And you'll be mine ♪

♪ Nights will be warmer So here's my scheme... ♪

[Harry] Surely you have better... you know, college rankings than I.

[Veronica] Shut up.

[yelps] Jesus, Veronica. What the hell was that?

Shh. Shh. [grunts]

[toilet flushes] [laughs]

[bell ringing] Fuck off.

Let them watch.

♪ Zoom, do be do be do ♪

♪ I will never mourn or die ♪

♪ No one knows the tears I've cried, since my... ♪ Rose, close your mouth.

It's unattractive when you gape like that.

Danny boy, do me a favor.

Uh, close out the tab when you're done.

[Danny] Yeah. And what... what...

I'm sorry, what's your name again, sweetheart?



Be sure and leave Sarah a healthy tip because it turns out she's a very, very nice person.

I'll see you guys next week, yeah?

Oh, yeah, Rose. Let me get you out of the way first.

So be prepared. But I don't know what to do.

[Richard] Moby Dick. Moby Dick it is.

Good idea. All right.

Have a good one.

He just picked up that waitress in less than a minute.

And fucked her in the bathroom.

Yeah, well, they're both consenting adults, so they can do whatever they want.

[man] Cheers to that.

[country music playing]

Jibbles, Jibbles, Jibbles, look.

Look, I feel mommy is cheating.

[door closes]

What's it say?

It works.

[Peele] Let's go try to stop him from drinking so much. [Donna] Oh. Peter, come on.

He's having a good time.

Ah, Richard, you're looking rather sprite.

[Richard] Oh, I just had unprotected sex.

[Peter] Oh, with who?

Some very sweet girl from the Lion's Pub. Hello, Donna.

[Donna] Oh, that's disgusting. Why would he tell us that?


[Peter giggles]

[Richard] So, how was your day, sweetheart?


Good. Fine's fine. [door opening]

How's Taylor? She's fine.

That's even finer.

Let us cheers to a fine day all round.

[footsteps approaching]

[Veronica] Hello.

Hmm, Veronica.

Sit down.

Thank you.

You're so welcome.

[Jibbles barks]

Now, let's give this another shot, shall we?

Olivia, your mother would like to apologize.

Yes, I would like to apologize... [clears throat] for my behavior [sighs] the other night.

I don't know why my reaction was so, um...

I don't know.

[Richard] Right wing?



I'm really sorry.


Olivia, do you accept your mother's apology?


Well, good.

The matter's settled.

Bon appetit.

So, Ishmael claims that a journey around the world just brings you back to where you were before you started, but this is actually coming from a man, who's lost everything that's been his entire reality and consciousness for the past few years...

Do I look like I'm getting some color?

I don't know. Hard to tell from here.

It really feels like I'm getting some color.

Does anyone have any questions?

What? Oh, uh, yes. Um...

In a word?


So, you liked it?

Yeah. Yeah, I did.

And yet, there were no broad shouldered women lamenting, and sobbing out of second story windows, were there?

No. [Richard] Good.

That means we're breaking down that co-op personality of yours.

I think we're probably gonna get a bit of an edge out of you before the end of the quarter.

Excuse me?

[Richard] You get an A minus.

That's not a bad thing.

Just give me one second, kids.

I'm gonna have to take one more look at this artistic still born. [indistinct chattering]

Look at it, Jesus Christ, it's a boner.

That is a gigantic boner.

[chuckles] Hi, honey. Isn't that your wife's work?

Yeah, it is. It is.

It doesn't mean I don't have an opinion on the matter.

[soft music playing]

[knock on door]

Who is it?

Uh, it's Daniel Wright.

Come on in.

Nice music.

Thought you'd be listening something different.

Really, like what exactly?

I don't know. Uh, Buddy Holly?

Jesus, uh, uh, how old do you think I am?

Maybe around 60.

That's fucking depressing.

[Daniel] I'm sorry. I... No. No. No.

You spoke your mind, it's all right. Come on in.

Well, I brought you some pot.

No. Yeah.

I made you some brownies.

Wow. That's very kind of you.

How, uh, how much do I owe you?

It's on the house. If you want more, we can talk prices later.

Fuck me. Thank you very much.

You're welcome. Thank you.

Mm-hmm. Mmm.

You mind if I ask you something personal?

No, go ahead.

Have you ever been with a man?

No. Nope. Nope. Nope.

No, I can't say that I have.

Would you like to fuck me?


♪ Baby ♪ in your ass? Yeah.

Is it... is it clean? Yeah. I mean it should be.

But no. I mean, I can always give you blowjob, too.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪ Okay. Pour me another one of those and make it very generous because I'm...

Of course. ...really not sure how much of this I'm gonna wanna remember.

♪ Can't you see ♪

♪ That you and I ♪

♪ Was just meant to be ♪

♪ Heaven knows ♪ Thank you.

♪ Eternally ♪

♪ Yeah, oh, yeah, baby ♪

[Richard] So, like, there's no... I mean, couldn't... we don't have to kiss, right?

There's no kissing. [Daniel] No. Wow.

[Richard] Is it like 'cause we're boys?

[Daniel] Yeah. [Richard] Oh, okay.

And so we're gathered to dedicate... the work of one of the finest contemporary artists of today, and someone that I am honored to call a dear friend, Mrs. Veronica Sinclair Brown. Well done.

It's blatantly foul. [man] Beautiful.

It's, uh, wonderful.

[crowd chattering]

[man] Oh, that's great.

May I ask what is it?

It's a giant schmeckle.

[woman] Oh. [man chuckles] There you go.

Excellent. Well done. [man] Hear, hear.

[man] Beautiful. [woman] This is lovely.

We appreciate it so much.

We're lucky to have you. Would you excuse me?

What do you think? Oh.

Um, mom says I'm not allowed to go to state schools.

Your mom is not allowed to say you're not allowed.

It's probably best if you don't. [clears throat]

Don't listen to him. Listen to me.

Splendid work, truly.

Thank you, Peter. [Peter] Yeah.

What do you think, Olive?

The... uh, it was... yeah, it was good.

It's all right, yeah.

So, shall we have a celebratory drink?

I'd love to, but Henry has me going out to dinner with the benefactors. It's an old money from Connecticut.

Oh. I'll see you two at home.

Bye, sweetie. Thanks, Peter.

Are you sure you don't want a little splash of vodka or brownie?

Why are you and mom still together?

[laughs] Yeah.

That's a rather odd question.

No, it's not.

And I guess you're right, we... um...

I think as you get older, you, um, find yourself needing someone to hold accountable for life not turning out exactly as you'd imagined it.

Jesus, dad.

I know.

But listen to me, not every relationship has to be that.

I mean, having said that, most are.


On that happy note. How's it going with Taylor?

It's going really well.

Yeah? Good, that's good.

That's very good.

Are you in love?

Yeah. I am.

Wow. No shit.

Yeah, well, I'm happy for you, sweetheart.

I'm so happy. I'm so happy for you.


You make sure she understands your worth.

[Olivia] I know. She does. She better.

She damn well better.

Your daughter is in love.

Did you tell her to be careful?


Told her to enjoy herself.

[girl] To realize one's destiny is a person's only obligation.

Uh, and so, uh, he begins listening to the desert, and, uh discovering the soul of the world, which then inevitably, uh, leads us to...

[Richard] All right, stop.

You get a B.

But I'm not finished. Take a seat.

[boy] I thought it was great.

[Richard] Let me ask you a question.

Are you guys getting anything out of this shit?

[students] Yeah.

Good. Because I have to say, I am as well.

I mean, you're all rather a solid group of young adults, and I enjoy your company.

[Rose] Yeah. Yeah, uh, I'd say we're all pretty mature.

Well, maturity is really just another word for... how much misery you'd swallow.

Yeah, totally.

[Richard] I'm talking about the piss and shit of others, Rose, not your own.

Do you mind if I smoke a joint?




I'm more than happy to help, uh, pick up his classes, if that helps at all. [clears throat]

[coughing] [laughing]

[man] You got to be kidding me.

Is he smoking a marijuana cigarette?

[Peter] Uh, look, um, maybe he's just trying to be...

[man] Fucking unbelievable.

Oh, Richard.

[soft ambient music playing] [people chattering]

Why are you wearing sunglasses?

I have cancer, I'm supposed to wear sunglasses in unusual places.


Excuse me, can we have two more please?

Uh, no, uh, the check please.


Look, you're coming with me.

I don't wanna go with you.

[Richard] Peter, where are we going?

[Peter] I'm taking you to support group.

[Richard] A support group for what?

Cancer. Oh, Jesus.

[Richard] Want me to help you with your sabbatical, then do this for me. This is not easy for me, it's actually, it's quite hard.

Uh, I understand that, but, you know, it's my death.


What the fuck is this?

Well, it's, uh, it's Barbara's.

Eww. Um, I'm not getting in.

Shut up, and get in the damn car.

It actually drives quite nice.


[Peter] Here you go. Well done.

[engine starts]

After 20 years of marriage, I thought she'd, you know, stick around until I died.

At least, I hoped she would.

But, I guess, it was really no point, you know, I guess it makes more sense for her to move on now.

But despite all that, I'm-I'm...

I'm feeling pretty good.

[stammers] I'm doing okay.


Thank you.

Thank you for sharing the journey of your battle, Ed.

[man] Uh-hmm.

All right. Whenever you're ready.

Uh, my name is Peter, I'm healthy, I don't have cancer, at least I don't think I do.

Um... my friend, Richard does.

And I thought that he could here and talk about it.

I'm... scared, I'm worried, I don't wanna lose my best friend. [cries]


That is really very lovely of you, Peter.

Thank you for sharing the journey of your... battle.

All right, Richard.

[woman coughs] Whenever you're ready.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm not doing this. No, no.

Come on. I have nothing to say.

[Peter] It's good for you. Uh, well, um, why don't you start with your diagnosis?

Uh-hmm. [Richard] Uh, I'd rather not, I'd actually prefer to leave this place because the lighting is poor down here, and it smells like urinal cakes and sugar cookies.

Uh, well, you find that if you... if you start with your diagnosis...

I think that you're gonna find that I already know that I disagree with whatever you're about to say.

Peter, let's go. We'll give it another shot.

Would anyone else like to go and grab a drink, and escape this emotional circle jerk?

What about you?

You might need a drink or two.

Richard, I... I've got cancer.

[Richard] So do I.

Well, best of luck with your impending deaths.

Yeah, you, too. Thank you.

Oh, Richard, you gotta stay. Uh, I wanna help you.

Peter, no.

I'd die here, and my corpse is nothing more than a breeding ground for ticks.

[soft ambient music]

Plus, this way, I get to collect my salary until the bitter end.


Maybe even after, depending on how quickly it takes me to find, my, uh, body.


I have to leave for, uh... for Olivia's sake.


Oh, no, no, come on. Listen.

Uh, yeah. All right. I'm gonna...

I am so sorry. I know.


My friend.

Oh, Richard.

Listen to me. Yeah.

I think it's time to go up to Canada.

No. I don't... Yeah.

Peter, you know they're talking about us.


Hi. Hello, Professor Brown.

Hey, Claire. What are you doing here?

Nice to see you. Nice to see you.

This is... Claire, uh...

This is Claire and this is Peter.

[Peter] Hi. Nice to see you.

She's, in fact, a niece of Henry Wright.

Henry, Henry? Oh, how wonderful.

That's great, good to meet you.

You don't have to say that shit because she despises him as much as we do. Don't say things like that.

He's all right, Henry Wright.

He's perfectly right.

I'll have another three please.

No, I don't want go. No, no, you're...

I'm having fun. You're behaving like a troll.

We gotta go.

Has anyone ever told you that you're beautiful?

Thank you, Peter.

Good boy.

Okay. That's it. Okay. Get in the car. Just get...


Hey, can I, uh, buy you a nightcap?

[Peter] Nightcap?

Hmm. Barbara's gonna kill me.

Would you be disappointed if I said no?

[Peter] Was it a Mini Cooper?


Goodnight, Peter. Night.

Richard? [Richard] Yeah.

Love you.

I'd like to say how much I admire your bravery.

Bravery for what?

For being who you are, and doing so, unflinchingly.

That's not bravery, that's apathy.

No, it's not.

I'm gonna go put on some music.

[slow music playing]

♪ I... ♪ Are you all right? [chuckles]

♪ ...never had no one ♪ Um... no.

No, I'm not.

I got cancer.

It's all right. Everyone my age has cancer.

For some reason, it just never really kind of... hit until... now, what it really means.

You know, because I'm gonna die.

I mean, I'm really gonna die.

I'm sorry, Richard. [Richard] Oh.

Do me a favor, please keep that between us, yeah?


You're the only person I've ever told, outside of Peter.

♪ And I ♪

♪ Never had no one... ♪ Haven't even told my wife and daughter yet.

Come dance with me.


I don't dance.

Dance tonight.


♪ And I ♪

♪ Never have no one ♪

♪ In times of trouble ♪

♪ I stood alone ♪ What do I do now?

♪ And now ♪

♪ I'm so much stronger... ♪ Is this it?


Well, okay.

♪ Your love is blue ♪ Is this so bad?


No. [chuckles]

No, this is actually quite nice.

♪ When trouble overtakes you ♪

♪ You better check again ♪

♪ But now my days Gotten brighter ♪

♪ And I can see the light... ♪ Richard?

♪ With you by my side ♪ Richard.

Help. Hey, hey, hey.

[man] Help!

[coughing, gagging] [baby crying]

Oh, Jesus Christ, Richard.

What the hell happened?

I'm all right, just calm down. Don't...

Everything's fine, I'm all right.

I didn't die. I'm good.

Well, who's that?

That's Santiago.

Who's Santiago?

He's my gardener.

What's your gardener doing here?

He's my emergency contact.

[Peter] Christ, Richard



Um, can we have a word in private please?

No, that's fine, he doesn't speak any English.

Watch this.

Santiago, what day is it?

[speaking foreign language]

See? Pancakes

[speaking foreign language]

Yes, Lauren Bacall.

Talk. What are you gonna say? It's fine.

Richard, you've got to clean up your act.

Yeah. I fucked up. I'll slow down the candy, and I'll go green for a bit, okay?

Selling grass? Marijuana, yeah.

Oh, and where are you getting it?

Student of mine. His name is Danny.

Really good kid, very, very, very smart kid.

Look, I don't want you dying over something as infantile as an overdose, okay?

I'm gonna go out.


Oh, or you'll catch something in the hospital.

Oh, okay. Well, I'll see you back on, uh, on the campus.


I'll see you back on campus.

Yeah, you said, just go, Pete. Thanks for coming by.

[Peter] Yeah, you're looking good, you're looking good.

[speaks foreign language]

[Santiago speaks foreign language]

Do I look sick to you?

You're in a hospital bed, Richard.

You wanna say where you were last night?

Not really.

We had a deal for Olivia.

I know.

I'm sorry.


Are you okay?

Yeah. It's just my back.

[phone ringing]

[Carol] Richard?


[Carol] Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't hear you answer.

Uh, it's Carol, Henry's secretary.

Uh, Richard, Henry would like to have a word with you.

When? [Carol] Now.

Tell him I'm busy.

[Carol] He says the matter is rather urgent.

Tell him I'm urgently busy.

[Carol] Richard.


[Carol] He's ready to see you now.


Tell me, Richard, do you like fish?

No. I mean to eat sometimes, but outside of that, no. No, I don't.

I believe men could learn a lot from fish.

That's the most asinine thing I've ever heard.

Why don't we just cut to the chase?

All right.

We need to talk about certain allegations that have come to my attention, some of which are serious.

Don't even start.

Excuse me?

I know you heard what I said.

You're simply saying that for effect.

You want me to repeat myself, I won't.

I am chancellor of this university.

I couldn't give a fucking rat's balls who the fuck you are. I have tenure, and furthermore, you're in no position of power when it comes to the two of us.

You're cheating on your wife, Henry.

You're having an affair, and not just any affair, but one with a wife of a devoted faculty member, specifically mine.

Not only that. But you've allocated funds from a dwindling budget for granite erections that you just littered throughout this entire campus.

And oddly enough, they come from the woman that you're bird dogging on the side.

Can you remind me how much does one of Veronica's works go for?

Chancellor, I have mounted you like a running stag, and I am pumping away at you, like a savage, and you know it.

[church bell ringing]

Now, I'm gonna take it that my request for sabbatical has been accepted.

[church bell ringing]


Don't look so enthusiastic.

Why would I?

Well, for one, it's gonna be catered.

All Barbara ever talks about is how well traveled she is.

Well, what else would she talk about?

Thank you, dear.

The air in Ibiza, [soft music playing] there's really nothing like it.

I'm getting misty, just thinking about it.

Peter, put our agent in touch with them, all right?

Yes, of course, yes, I'd be happy to.



Richard, what's the matter?

Uh, darling, let him be.

[Barbara] Anyway, as I was saying, Ibiza...

Are you all right?

[Barbara] You won't regret it. I'm more than all right.

You can't. I'm perfect.

I mean, unless you're mad.

Am I right or what, Peter?

Oh, you're right, darling, you're right.

[Barbara giggles]

[Barbara] Does anybody else have bones in the fish?

[Peter] We have something to celebrate.

What's that? You got cancer, too?

No. I do not. Why do you keep saying that?

Uh, my...

Uh, I... my cyst is rather sore.

Uh-oh, something in your throat?

I think I should get it screened.

Maybe. Yeah. Yeah.

[Barbara sings] Morocco. Yeah.

Uh, Richard, uh, no, no, no, that'll only encourage her.

...we've noticed that it's allowed us every time we've been to discover something new about ourselves.

You, my friend, have been awarded a sabbatical.

Thank you.

Henry Wright signed the paperwork, only last week.

[Barbara] Excuse me. [Peter] See, I told you.

What are you two doing?

Uh we're discussing work. That's all.

Peter, it's my birthday, save it for another time, and come mingle.

All right. And don't close these doors.

[Peter] No, darling.

[Barbara] Anyway, Peter was petrified...

Why the hell did we ever get married?


[mellow music]

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine, babe.


Are you sure?


Yeah. I'm gonna be fine.

[Claire] The person one loves at first is not the person one loves at last.

Love is not an end, it's a process through, which one person attempts to know another.

That's it.

[Richard] And in a word?

In two words, deceptively simple.

[Richard] Beautifully, beautifully executed.

And it's a really nice way to end the class with a little, [whistle] kick in the ass.

So, you get an A.

Thank you. [Richard] You're welcome.

And I suppose the rest of you are waiting for me to vomit out some profound words of wisdom.

Yeah, kind of.

Oh, thought you'd never ask.

Come here, give me a hand.


[groans] Hey, hey, okay.

Listen... the world needs people like you.

The world is literally dying for your kind.

Embrace that responsibility, and you run with it.

Get out there, earn your keep. Give back.

It's not gonna be easy. Never gonna be easy.

For much of it, you'll stand alone but you've got to stand strong.

You know, I beg you to not give into mediocrity, like the other 98 percent of the world.

Because you would be doing yourselves, and the world, a greatest disservice.

You're all too smart.

You're too smart to let it go to waste.

And you've got one shot at this.

One fucking shot.

Don't let a moment of it slip by.

Grab it, snatch it up, make it yours.

Celebrate every moment.

Celebrate every fucking breath.

I'm telling you, life, it's a birdsong.

[music fades]

Was that it?

Yeah, I think... I think so, yeah.

Yeah, that's it.

[choir singing]


[choir singing]

[knocks on door]

[Peter] Richard? Richard.

Oh, oh, Richard.

Oh, no, no, no. Richard, are you all right?


Angels. What?

I hear the angels, Peter, they're singing.

No, that's the... that's the acapella group, Richard.


Why? Why do we have an acapella group?

We've always had an acapella group.

Well, fuck them. Can you take me to the bells?

What? I wanna see the bells.

The bells? Yeah.

All right. All right. Come.

[Peter] I'll get you some water first.

[wood creaking]

Peter, there are a lot of other good places to sit in here.

Hmm, yes.

Of course.


[wood creaking]


Can you feel anything?


But I enjoy the lighting.

You? No.

But that's all right.

Please mother of God, help my friend...

Afraid it's starting to kick in.

Does it hurt?

Oh, fuck yeah.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'll manage.

[emotive music]

It's fine, Peter. We knew this was coming.


I mean, uh, I look back on everything, and it all somehow makes so much sense.

It's as though, uh, it couldn't be any other way.

Why's our soul broken?



It's perfect.

And it's also perfect when you look at it.

You know what I mean? Yeah.

It's gonna be hard to leave this place.

It's gonna be hard to say goodbye.

Richard, I'm gonna miss you.

I'm gonna miss you too, Peter. If I'm able.

Fuck, I'm going to cry.

No. Dear God.

Please. [groans]

Please don't do this. No, no, shh.

Dammit. No, no, no. Listen.

I really prefer if you didn't cry.

[sniffles] Listen to me. We tried.

Yes. Yes. Now let's go. Come on.

[sniffles] Come on.


I'm sorry. Come on.

It's all right.

Come on, Peter.

[Peter sighs] Oh.

You're a good man, Richard.

So are you, my friend.

[Richard] Thank you for being so good to me.

I'm trying, Richard. I'm trying.

[Richard] Isn't it strange how natural this feels?

[Peter] Yeah. [Richard] Two men, holding one another, passionately, in a church.

Groping one another freely.

[both laughing]

[Peter] Yeah.

Oh, you're stupid. [Richard] Come on you, pervert.


[wood creaking]



You're going out tonight?



You have fun, okay?

Yeah, you, too.

I'm not sure that's possible, but I'm promising you that we will try.

Go get 'em, kid.

Bye, dad.

[door opens, closes]

[piano playing]

[Henry] Thank you so much for coming, really.

Oh, oh, you get just lovelier every year.

Veronica, Richard. Our guest of honor.

So nice you could make it.

Oh, we wouldn't miss it for the world.

How do you do? Hi, I'm Richard.

Oh, okay.

That's a hell of a greeting.

[Richard] I'm going to the bar.



Peter and I have decided to stay in this year, and spend Christmas in Miami.

[Richard] Hello. Oh, how fashionable.

Donna, you weren't at my birthday party. Why?

[gulps loudly]

I've been so wanting to tell you that I mixed up the date. Oh.

Excuse me everyone, if I could have your attention.

Dinner is to be served shortly, so, if you would be so kind as to begin migrating to the dining room, that would be much appreciated.

[piano playing]

Veronica. You'll be right here next to me.

Richard. [Richard coughs]

Uh, no, no, no. Tight Quarters, I'm afraid.

He'll be somewhere in the back.

[indistinct chatter]

Hello, everyone.

Um, sorry, why isn't Richard sitting at this table?

I can assure you that there has been a great deal of thought that's going into the seating arrangements.


Dead, gone.

Oh, that's horrible. What was it?

Oh, melanoma, I'm afraid.

[woman] Oh. Oh, welcome, young man.

And the families?

Honestly, you don't wanna know. Oh, really?

[glass clinking]

[indistinct chatter] [music stops]

While everyone's being served, I just wanted to say a couple words.

On behalf of both myself and my lovely wife, welcome.

It's an honor to have each and every one of you here tonight.

Now, I know I'm not alone when I say that this quarter may have been our very best.

And the opportunity to serve, as your president and chancellor, has been nothing short of humbling.

[indistinct chatter]

So thank you.

I can only hope to live up to the high standards that you have set.

[woman] We will. [All] Cheers.

Now, let us eat for the night is young.

[indistinct chatter]


Oh, that was a lovely speech.


Did you actually buy that shit, really?

Excuse me?

Are you in the communications department?

[piano playing in background]

[indistinct chatter]


[glass clinking]

I have something that I would like to say.

Could you stop playing that before I heave this knife in your direction?

[woman gasps] [Richard] Thank you.

Uh, young lady with the wine, would you mind just standing right by my side, and never leave?

Because I have much to say and many to toast. Oh, my God.

Those of you who do not know, my name is Richard Brown.

Professor of English.

Oh, uh, cheers to me.

[All] Cheers.

Cheers. [Peter] To Richard.

Henry Wright, on behalf of every one of us here, let me, please, express our gratitude, for this finely forced evening. I'm sorry.

[Richard] The commitment that you have shown to the students, faculty, even the wives of the faculty...

[gasps, laughter] very, very impressive.

You've outdone yourself.

And it shows.

As far as I'm concerned, three balls... deserves three cheers. [Veronica] No.

All right, Richard, I think that's enough.

Henry, do not interrupt me while I'm talking.

Particularly in front of so many people.

Do you understand? No, I don't understand.


[woman] Nobody has three testicles.

[Richard] To Peter Matthew.

Oh. [woman] Oh.

Gotta shut up.


Your heart is truly one of gold.

[Barbara] It is. And this college is... very lucky to have you. [Barbara] Hmm, that's true.

Of course, thank you for your hard work.

But most important, thank you for being a true friend.

[Barbara] Oh, to Peter, cheers. [All] Cheers.

[man] To Peter.

Also there are some parting words that I feel like I owe.

Because this will be the last time that I ever see any of you.

[indistinct chatter]

For not only have I been awarded a sabbatical, um...

[Barbara] This is strange, Peter.

...I'm gonna die.

Yeah... [laughs]

I'm gonna die, [indistinct chatter] and I'm gonna die much sooner than I had imagined.

[man gasps] [indistinct chatter]

Oh, my goodness.

I know, dear.

What is he talking about? Shh.

So in preparing for what lies ahead, I've come to realize that for much of my life, I've been mistaken, and I failed.

I failed, not only to comprehend my mortality, but I've failed to appreciate it.

And as a result,

I've failed to make the most of my life.

Veronica, you're one hell of a sport.

You are a very worthy adversary.

Proud... to have been able to call you my wife.

Because life without you would've been, uh, far less rich.

And for that, I thank you.

For whatever it's worth...

I love you... deeply.

I know.

We've turned our backs on the most important duty that we possess, to live a life that is rich in experience

that's of our own independent choosing.

Seize your fucking existence, folks.

Why don't we make death our closest fucking companion, so that we can finally have a second, a millisecond to appreciate that little bit of time that we have left.

And most important of all, let us live well, so that we may fucking die well, because we've never been so close to death than this very moment.

[All] Cheers.

[dramatic music playing]

[glass shatters]

[Henry] Dammit, Richard. Those are crystal.

I'm so sorry that you had to find out like that, and I just didn't...

I mean, I honestly didn't know how to tell you.

I was scared.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna leave, sweetheart.

That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Please, try and find some happiness.

I'm working on it.

I know you will.

Goodbye, Richard.

Goodbye, Veronica.


[door opens, closes]

Olivia? What are you doing home, baby?

Taylor broke up with me.

What? She cheated on me with Nathan Runnings.

[Richard] Professor Runnings' kid?


Listen. Hey.

Come on, babe. Come here.

Come here.

Don't worry, sweetheart. You're gonna be fine.

The world's full of women looking for someone to love.

There's gotta be somebody who deserves you.

What'll you have? I don't care.

[Richard] Well, when a man loses a woman, it's, uh, typically whiskey he drinks.

So, I'm kind of assuming that, um, a lesbian would do the same.


[clears throat]

Here's to your future.

To your bright, bright future.

To Taylor rotting in hell.

And yes, to Taylor rotting in hell.


[Richard] I'm so proud of you.


[Richard] Because you possess everything that a father could ever want in a daughter, and more.

So much more.

[clears throat]


Yeah, baby?

Are you okay?

I'm sick, Olivia.

I'm sick.


Are you gonna be okay?



It's all right.

It's all right.

[Olivia sobbing]

You're gonna be all right. Do you hear me?

You're gonna be great.



I'm gonna need to go away for a little bit.

Where are you going?

I don't really know.

I just got some things I gotta figure out.





Hey, I love you so much, my girl.

[Olivia] I love you, too.


You stay on this path of yours.

You hear me?

You stay on this path that's yours.

You're doing it right, kid.


I'm gonna miss you so much.

I love you.

Jibbles, let's hit the road.

[rain pouring]

Here, Jibbles.

Good boy.

You make sure your mom takes good care of you, huh?

I can take care of myself.

I have no doubt about that, kid.

[car engine starting]

[car engine revving]





[dog whimpering]



[dog whimpering]

[dog growls]

I'm sorry, Jibbles.


[car engine revving]


[dramatic music playing]

[music fades]

♪ It's the little things ♪

♪ How one look from you ♪

♪ And the sun comes out ♪

♪ And the rains Fighting through ♪

♪ Yes, it's the little things You do ♪

♪ It's the little things ♪

♪ That make my world ♪

♪ You're a miracle ♪

♪ Make time stand still ♪

♪ In this moment ♪

♪ Oh, you give me thrill ♪

♪ Yes, it's the little things You do ♪

♪ It's the little things ♪

♪ That make my world ♪

♪ Let me hold on ♪

♪ To the good times In my life ♪

♪ So when I close my eyes ♪

♪ I remember ♪

♪ All the little things ♪

♪ The little things ♪

♪ The little things ♪

♪ It's the way I feel ♪

♪ When I look at you ♪

♪ And I like that thing you do ♪

♪ When you do what you do ♪

♪ It's the little things You do ♪

♪ It's the little things ♪

♪ That make my world ♪