The Return of the Pink Panther (1975) Script

This way, please. Ladies and gentlemen, this way, please.

Follow me.

Round there, please.

Thank you.

From the dynasty of Akbar the Magnificent, and for over a thousand years, our nation's religious symbol, the Pink Panther.

Largest and most famous diamond in the world.

Irreplaceable, its value cannot be estimated in terms of money.

Isn't the museum worried that someone might steal it?

The Pink Panther is protected, and by forces more impenetrable than any army.

Observe.

Deactivate.

Failing the radar shield, the slightest release of pressure in the weight of the diamond, and the would-be thief is a prisoner.

A prisoner of the Pink Panther.

Why is it called the Pink Panther?

The stone is flawed.

If it is held up to the light in a certain way, the figure of a springing panther can be seen clearly.


Good morning, sir. Sit.

My department has already begun rounding up suspects.

His Majesty has been informed of the theft.

He is flying home from Washington.

I expect an arrest any moment now. I do not share your optimism.

We know the culprit is within our borders.

All airports and railway stations are being watched.

While your men search for this man with the Dutch passport who rented the hotel room, he has thrown away his passport and is making ready to leave the country under a new identity.

When we find the fingerprints... If you find them...

You are both in trouble. But if we do what is necessary and conventional.

I am calling in outside help.

The famous French detective who recovered the Pink Panther the last time it was stolen.

What was his name? Clouseau.

Inspector Clouseau.


Do you have a licence? Monsieur?

City ordinance 47-B prohibits the playing of any musical instrument in a public place for the purpose of commercial enterprise without a licence.

I don't understand.

It is against the law for you to play your musical instrument.

The leur? What?

You say it's against the law?

Yes, unless you have a proper licence.

What kind of licence?

A licence that permits the playing of any musical instrument in a public place for the purpose of commercial enterprise.

Commercial enterprise? Yes.

You play that thing and people give you the money.

People give the monkey the money.

It is the same. Not at all, monsieur.

I am a musician and the monkey is a businessman.

He doesn't tell me what to play, and I don't tell him what to do with his money.

Monsieur, don't try to be funny with me.

He is your monkey, therefore it is your money!

He lives with me, but he is not my monkey.

One day I came home and found him in the living room!

I let him stay, but he pays for his own room and board.

Then the monkey's breaking the law.

But he doesn't play any musical instrument.

City ordinance 132-R prohibits the begging.

How do you know so much about city ordinances?

What sort of stupid question is that, are you blind? Yes.

Oh, I see, yes. Yes, of course.

You happen to be talking to a police officer, and because I expect to be transferred back to the Detective Division at any moment, I will let you off this time with just a warning.

Thank you, Monsieur Agent.

But you must get yourself a proper licence.

First thing tomorrow.

Try to do something about your filthy monkey.

Halt! Just a moment!

Move, move!

Over there! Arretez!

Idiot!

How was I to know he was the bank manager?

How were you to know the bank was being robbed?

That is correct. What is correct?

I did not know the bank was being robbed because I was engaged in my sworn duty as a police officer.

You didn't even arrest the old beggar.

There was some question as to whether the beggar or his minkey was breaking the law.

"Minkey"? What?

You said "minkey"!

That is correct, yes, chimpanzee monkey.

So I let them both off with a warning.

The beggar was the lookout man for the gang.

That is impossible. Why?

He was blind. How can a blind man be a lookout?

How can an idiot be a policeman? Answer!

It's simple, all he has to do is enlist.

Shut up!

How do you know he was blind? Because he told me so.

Oh, he told you so. And you believed him?

I had no reason to doubt him.

Do you believe me if I tell you that I'm not going to get you suspended for six months?

Do you believe me? If you say so, sir. Yes.

Because I'm a bigger liar than the beggar.

You are suspended for six months without pay.

Six months? Effective immediately.

Have you anything to say?

Could you lend me 50 francs?

Will you get out of my sight!

Yes. Idiot.

My blood pressure.

Idiot.

One day, François.

One day I'll be rid of him forever. That'll be the day.

Something on your mind? An order from the commissioner.

Oh, yes? It concerns Clouseau.

Yes? Go on.

He is to be reinstated as an inspector.

What? You can't be serious.

And he is to report immediately to a Colonel Sharki in Lugash.

I see.

Sir! What?

It's a birthday gift from my wife.

Most realistic.

Get me the commissioner.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus calling.

The commissioner.

Commissioner, I have just received your instructions to send Clouseau to Lugash, but you see, he's no longer with the Sûreté, I've just given him...

Yes, but...

Yes, but since France and Lugash have been allies for nearly 200 years, it might be a serious mistake to send someone who is...

I see. Yes, of course.

Very good, commissioner.

It seems the Shah of Lugash telephoned the president personally and asked for Clouseau to be assigned to the case.

The Shah of Lugash. Incredible.

All right, François.

The Shah of Lugash.


...the capital earlier this morning. It seems that the army...

by sealing the area around the president's palace.

Highs for the coast...

Oh, good evening, Madame Landlord.

...against the price increases...

Good evening. I was just reading the headlines in your newspaper.

...opposition is...

Good evening.

Cato?

Cato!


Monsieur Clouseau's residence.

One moment, please.

For you. Chief Inspector Dreyfus.

Yes, sir. You're back on the force.

Come to my office... immediately!

Immediately, sir.

Well, Cato, I am back on the force.

You know, Cato, your freezer ambush ploy...

I really congratulate you.

It was very, very good.

But Cato, your fly is undone.

And so, my friend, are you!

Yes, my little yellow friend.

I knew the chief would have to reconsider.

He did not get where he is by ignoring a man's qualifications.

He knows that I am unique and therefore indispensable.

We are much the same, the chief and I.

But of course, Cato, all great detectives have one thing in common. You know what that is?

Instinct.

That rare ability to know immediately without having to stop and reason.

And in my business it can easily mean the difference between life and death.

All right, I'll get it.

Thank you.

Yes, that split-second timing when instinct tells you... that...

Ah... Aghh!

...new wave of assassinations.

...the opposition spokesman has categorically denied...

Infamous powers are at work.

The instant you assign me to a case, the underworld hears about it and I am set upon.

Cato is in hospital.

They nearly blew his yellow skin off. It's amazing that I am still alive.

Amazing is not the word.

Do I detect something in your voice that says I am in disfavour with you?

Yes.

I wish you were dead.

You are entitled to your opinion.

And you are not! Out! Out of my sight!

You want me to leave?

If you are not out of this room in five seconds, I shall not be responsible for my actions!

Five seconds is nothing, I can easily be out in three.

But if you really want me to leave... I've had enough!

Oh, thank you very much.

A very amusing clever little gadget.

Very realistic, but, of course, my instinct told me that...

Something the matter? You're not feeling well?

My blood pressure.

Must take my pill. You're killing me.

Yes. Perhaps some water.

You have a defective carafe. Allow me to blot you.

Idiot! I will blot you.

I had an aunt who suffered from high blood pressure.

She was attended successfully by Dr August Balls of Nice.

And after he had attended her for several weeks, she... Oh.

Obviously, out of fluid.

Perhaps you would like me to fill it for you?

Now just... just... Please just go away.

Yes.

Well, all right, inspector.

I will leave, but remember, I will be at your service night or day.

Of course, I will be on assignment in Lugash.

Fortunately there is, I believe, some difference in time.

My watch seems to have stopped, probably due to the explosion.

You need a new flint.

Well, chief inspector, until we meet again and the case is solv-ed.

"The case is solv-ed!" Idiot!


Don’t just stand there, idiot.

Call a doctor, and then help me find my nose!

Inspector!

A very interesting museum you have here.

Inspector... Please tell me nothing.

I prefer to investigate the scene of the crime spontaneously.

That way it gives my trained instincts full rein.

But our security measures...

I'm sure your security measures are very good.

But, obviously not good enough.

Let me see...

Yes, very effective. Very effective, indeed.

The element of surprise.

Of course, I knew it would happen.

Nevertheless, the element of surprise.

How very kind of you to welcome me.

Is there any way of getting in and out of this place without this happening all the time? Deactivate it.

Deactivate the door.

Hmm.

Yes...

Oh.

Ugh. So we meet again.


Very ingenious. He pulled himself across the floor.

He did?

How else could he avoid the radar field?

Yes, how else? Hmm.

Of course, he would need a very slippery floor to do that.

Therefore, the wax. The wax? Aah!

Are you all right?

'Course I am all right. I am examining the wax.

Have you taken a sample of this wax?

Wax is wax. Well, this is where you are wrong.

Wax is not just wax.

In this case it is a clue.

English wax, French wax, domestic wax...

The inspector is right. Have the wax tested immediately.

It is my guess that you will find it is English wax.

Why? Because your thief is an Englishman.

How do you know that?

It is my business to know that.

He is Sir Charles Phantom, the notorious Litton.

The Phantom? Yes, one and the same.

His calling card.

Four years ago, Sir Charles suddenly vanished.

It was rumoured in the underworld... given up his life of crime, but my instinct told me he would not remain in hiding for long.

Four years is not long?

Time is not the issue here, this glove is the issue here.

It signifies the Phantom is up to his old tricks.

But I will catch him and root him out.

It won't be easy, he's a master of disguise.

And, undoubtedly, he has gone back into hiding until the heat is off.


How is he?

Unlovable.

Has he seen it?

No, I thought you'd like to show it to him.


How was Paris? Expensive.

Good. Buy anything foolish? Lots.

How have you been? Splendid. Fantastic.

I have created something... absolutely extraordinary since breakfast.

Oh, can I see? No, no, no. Not yet.

Come on. Please don't be so...

The impact might be too strong. Let me see.

There you go.

How about that? Hmm.

You know what? What?

I think I came back just in time.

Damn!

What, darling? Listen to this:

"Police today were conducting a house-to-house search of Lugash for the thief, who Monday night stole the fabled Pink Panther Diamond from the Royal Museum here.

According to authorities, the only clue was a white monogrammed man's glove with the initial "P".

Well, what do you think?

That you didn’t just spend your time just painting during my absence.

Oh. You think I had something to do with the robbery.

Didn't you?

You little beast.

Three, no four years ago I swore to you that I was retiring.

I've been faithful to you ever since.

In your fashion. Now, what the hell does that mean?

That you're being teased.

I believe you, darling. But you must admit it does sound like the kind of job only the Phantom could have done.

I mean, the Pink Panther.

No clues except your well-known calling card.

Yes. I must admit, the impostor, very clever.

Very clever, indeed.

I'm surprised half the police force of France hasn't descended on us by now.

But, of course, they will!

Without a doubt. But if you're innocent...

I'm not only innocent, I'm smart enough that if I decided to get back in business, I wouldn't leave my calling card.

Will the police think that?

No.

But you can convince them.

Not unless the real thief was caught.

But then you are lost.

If the police think that you are the real thief, then who will catch the impostor? Hm?

Well, I can only think of one person really, can't you?

Charles.

Since the alternative is prison, I don't have very much choice, do I?

I'm frightened.

This impostor is obviously very clever.

He could be dangerous.

Oh, darling.

Not to worry! Trust me.

I may be a bit rusty, but I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself.


I congratulate you, chief, on your excellent facilities.

Of course, you understand that my visit here must be of the utmost secrecy.

Of course. My department will do everything possible to assist you.

However, there is one question that only you can answer.

Oui?

Does Sir Charles Litton have a swimming pool?

A swimming pool?

Back before you know it. Take care.

Now, what identity will you travel under?

Well, I shall be... dreary old Sir Charles Litton leaving the country.

And... fearless... dashing young doctor Marvin Tanny arriving in Lugash.

Watch it!


I have the report here.

Someone has trifled with your brakes.

The underworld will stop at nothing.

It's the second attempt on my life.

I may have caught my death of pneumon...

Gesundheit.


I have fixed your doorbell from the ringing.

There is no charge.

Thank you. What do you want?

I am from the telephone company, there is something the matter with your pheun.

My "pheun"? What?

You said there's something the matter with my "pheun".

Yes. My phone?

That is correct, yes, that is what I been saying.

No trouble with the telephones here.

I know when there is a trouble, and when there is not a trouble.

And I can definitely tell you that there is a trouble, you may rest assured of that. Since when?

Since it was reported.

I see. What is the trouble with the telephones?

If I knew that, I could simply call you up and tell you what the trouble is.

What's the trouble?

This man says we have trouble with our telephones.

Allow me to introduce myself. I am Emile Flournoy, communications expert and chief trouble-shooter for the Nice Telephone Company. Please come in, monsieur.

Now what can we do to help you?

Which is your nearest phone?

There. What?

Ah, yes...

Hmm.

Yes, this phone will not do at all.

Show me another phone. It won't do at all, I'm afraid.

Show Monsieur Flour... Flournoy!

Flournoy... the telephone in Sir Charles's study.

I hope you locate the trouble, monsieur.

Madame, it is my business to locate trouble.

No trouble back there. If you require anything...

Monsieur, all I require... is a phone, my little bag of tools and some privacy in which to work.

That is all I require.


Take that phone, but don't pick it up until I tell you.


Raymond? Si.

I'm taking the 5.00 plane to Switzerland, have you got that?

Si, Switzerland.

Have you got the merchandise?

Si. Good.

I'll see you tomorrow at the Palace Hotel in Gstaad.

Si.

Goodbye. Si. Goodbye.

Inspector?

Do not come in!

Do not come in, I am making further delicate adjustments to the phone.

I will tell you when it is safe to enter.

These adjustments must not be interfered with, you know.


Do not come in, I am just putting my tools away.


As I surmised, a slight malfunction with your phone which I repaired.

Well, I must now return to my office and report my adjustments.


According to the authorities in Nice, he has so far demolished one swimming pool and two trucks.

And he's on his way to Gstaad.

Gstaad? Yes.

Today, a paradise in the Swiss Alps, tomorrow, a wasteland.

Compared to Clouseau, Attila the Hun was a Red Cross volunteer.

Careful! Huh?

I put the real one in the bottom drawer.

See?


Oh! Ooh!


Follow that car!


Good day.

So nice to have you back again. Thank you.

Excuse me, do you know the way to the Palace Hotel?

Yes.


Bags, sir? No, thank you.

This bag never leaves my arm.


Your bag, sir.

Thank you.

Scusi, signor. May I take your coat?

Thank you very much.

Your gloves? Of course.

Your hat?

- Grazie, signor. - Prego.


Oui, Monsieur?

Do you have a reum? A "reum"?

What? You said, do I have a "reum"?

I know perfectly well what I said.

I said, "Do you have a reum?"

You mean, "Do I have a room?"

That is what I have been saying, you fool.

Do you have a reservation?

I am Inspector Clouseau of the Sûreté... and I am here on official police business.

Whether you're here on official police business or not, this is the height of the season and the hotel is full!

Listen, my friend.

This is a matter of national importance, and if you continue to be difficult with me I shall have no alternative but to have speaks with my superiors.

Well...

In that case, monsieur... we do have a room.

I thought as much.

Lugash Airways announce the arrival of flight 12 from Paris and Nice.

Passengers wishing to travel to the city terminal by bus should proceed to the Lugash transport counter.

The nature of your visit to Lugash, Dr Tanny?

Is it business or pleasure? Purely pleasure.

Next.

Incoming passengers are reminded they should retain the white card.

This must be surrendered to Lugash authorities before departure.

The loss of this card may cause considerable delays.

Have my bags sent up to my room.

How are you, Pepi?

What a surprise! It's Sir Charles Litton, isn't it?

Not necessarily.

Un Cognac, s'il vous plaît.

Well...

Where do I find the Fat Man?

I've... I have not...

I've not seen the Fat Man in years.

Really?

You're not working for the Fat Man, then who are you working for?

You are breaking my finger.

Why don't you call a policeman?

All right, all right.

You can find the Fat Man at the Salamander.

Thank you, Pepi.

Why don't you order yourself some liniment... on the rocks?


Well, Charles!

Well, my old friend.

It's good to see you.

Come, sit down.

I really miss seeing you. You look wonderful.

What can I do for you?

Well... I need a favour from you, old man.

Of course.

But first, I need your help.

And my two associates, they're here to guard the Pink Panther.

When you've finished your drink, you'll hand it over. I haven't got it.

But you took it.

I wish I had, truly. But I didn't, I swear it.

Normally, Charles, I'm a man who detests violence, but in your case I'm forced to make a most regrettable exception.

Would it upset you too much to explain why?

Under the pretence of trying to catch the thief, the general is hurting many innocent people... and a group of my very good friends.

If I give him the thief, he'll have to stop hurting them.

Of course, if you didn't steal the Panther, one might almost conclude the general, in order to get rid of his political enemies, engineered the robbery himself.

I bet he even offered a reward.

A very considerable reward, dead... Or alive?

And if you are dead...

I can't prove I didn't steal the Pink Panther.

I knew you would figure it out.

Deliver the body to the general with my compliments.

I'm awfully sorry... old boy.

Well, you know the old saying, "With friends like you, who needs enemies?" Enemies.


Good evening, Dr Tanny.

Good evening.

I am Colonel Sharki.

Yes! I thought we might be running into one another... sooner or later.

I... I need your help.

Now, Colonel Sharki...

What could a simple doctor do to help the head of the Lugash secret police?

A simple doctor? Nothing.

But the notorious Phantom?

Oh, he could do quite a bit.

For instance?

I want your cooperation in recovering the Pink Panther.

The Fat Man seems to think that you cooked up this robbery as an excuse to do a little political housecleaning.

The Fat Man is not the only one with that opinion.

And if you can prove that you are not guilty...

You have a bad leg? Oh, it's nothing.

If you can prove you're not guilty, I'm in serious trouble.

Because of the religious significance of the Pink Panther, it's imperative to the government that sooner or later the thief be apprehended, and the jewel returned. You would prefer it later than sooner?

I can't tell you how reassuring it is to know that we understand each other so well.

And if...

I do... catch the thief?

I have every confidence that you will.

How does the saying go?

"Set a thief to catch a thief."

Goodnight, Dr Tanny.


You hate him. Yes, I hate him all right.

How much do you hate him? How much?

How high is up?

I hate every little molecule in his body.

You'd like to kill him?

To kill him. Oh, God, yes. To kill him.

Why don't you?

Oh, to kill him.

What? Why don't I?

It's not so easy, you try. I mean kill him psychically.

Ridiculous. Why?

Nothing I can do psychically would have the slightest effect on him. Why not?

Because he's got the brain of a minkey.

Minkey? What?

You said minkey. I did?

You see, I'm beginning to talk like him.

Now doctor, you'd better come up with a better suggestion or I'll get myself another analyst.

Now, just relax.

Relax.

I haven't slept for a week.

I just lie there thinking the same thoughts over and over and over again.

Describe your thoughts. Get them out in the open and you'll feel much better.

All right.

See, it's always the same.

Clouseau is sitting there, in a chair just like you, with his back to me.

And then suddenly, my hands go round his throat and I begin to squeeze.

It's wonderful, it's marvellous. I'm squeezing.

And the more I squeeze, the freer I feel.

I'm in ecstasy.

And then suddenly...

Suddenly, my problem is solved.

Doctor?

Doctor!

Sir Charles arrived at my office this morning at ten, and we reviewed all the evidence to date.

He was interested, asked all the right questions.

Then we went to the viewing room and watched the film from the hidden monitoring cameras.

This was the last group to go through the museum before it was robbed.

Do you recognise any of these people? No.

No.

He appeared to study the film very carefully, and he claimed not to recognise any one of them.

No.

We questioned him three times about each.

No.

You sure? Absolutely.

This one? No.

How about that one? No!

Each time the results were identical.

Little or no stress until questioned about number three.

Then, hard stress.

Number three.

A young man, the museum guide remembers him.


Good morning.

It could be better.

How? You could go away.

All right, but first I'll need your truck.

I haven't got a truck anymore.

I sold it.

What do you want it for?

You're gonna help me get across the border.

It's impossible, the border is closed.

You have to have a special pass.

Then get one. It's out of the question.

If I go to the Fat Man to buy a special pass, he wants to know the reason.

Then tell him that I've threatened your life unless you help me to get across the border.

Tell him that for half the sum of the reward plus a forged pass to get you out of the country, you will deliver me into an ambush at some pre-named place of the Fat Man's choosing, this side of the border.

What if he doesn't believe me?

I'm sure you'll be able to convince him.

And if, my dear Pepi, you double-cross me, it'll be a very long while before you give your next piano recital.

Yes?

You asked to be kept informed of Lady Litton's activities.

Yes. She's going skiing at two.

Skiing in this weather? On the glacier.

On the glacier?

How long have you been a bellboy? Oh! Too long, monsieur.

Keep up this good work and very soon I will see to it that you become a bell man.

Bonjour, milady. Hello, good afternoon.

I changed my mind about skiing. I'm going to the tennis matches instead.

If my husband calls tell him I'll be back around four.

Oui, madame. Thank you.

Hello?

Guten Tag?


Hello? Wie geht's? Wie geht's?


Swine bird, that is my private moustache. You naughty bird.

Swine!


No, no, no, wait!

It's me, Inspector Clouseau of the Sûreté.

She's coming. What?

In the elevator.


Hello.


What are we going to do? What are we going to do?

What we are doing...

She's coming!

I'm sorry.

Oh, come in, please.

Some towels you have, bitte? Oh, yes. I'll go get them.


What are you doing? Nichts. Staubsucker.

Out! Schnell! Schnell!


Get up, you fool!

Guten Tag! Wie geht's?


What took you so long?

The Fat Man is not convinced so easily.

But you managed. Here is the pass.

And you gave him...

As you suggested.

For the pass and half of the reward, I will hand you over.

Quickly, we must hurry. Where?

What? Where did you agree to hand me over?

The Fat Man will be waiting at the point one mile south of the roadway, seven miles from the border.

I know the place precisely.

I will avoid it absolutely. Quick, we must hurry!

No, after you.

What? Try "why."

Why? Shh!

Because I know you precisely, and doubt you absolutely.

Sir Charles... Please, please! Sir Charles...

Don't worry, as long as you've told the truth, there's nothing to worry about.

Nothing to worry about.

All right?

Be careful. Thank you very much.


Open it.

Be careful.

He tricked me!


From the gentleman at the bar, madam.


Good evening.

Good evening.

Monsieur Guy Gadbois, at your service.

How do you do? I'm Lady Litton. Yes, I know.

Oh. I took the liberty of finding out.

I hope you are not offended.

That depends on your intentions.

Strictly honourable, I can assure you.

A man sees a beautiful chicken, he can't help but be inquisitive, you know?

Would you think it naughty of me if I offered to buy you a drink?

But you already have.

How about I buy myself one, and we'll drink it together?

All right.

Waiter... another Kahlúa and ginger ale, please.

Well...

If there is a Lady Litton, there must be a lord.

What? Lord Litton.

Yes, he's in... Yes?

...plastics. Oh, the plastic.

In... Yes?

Industrial plastics.

Very interesting.

Well...

Here is looking at you, kid.

You have anything to declare?

Nothing.

You may proceed.

I come here very often, you know.

I come here for the winter sports, for the skiing. So do I.

Why have we never met?

Well, it's quite simple, really.

I get up at the crack of dawn... I'm so terribly sorry about that.

I get up at the crack of dawn, always.

Up the mountain, down the slopes on the piste.

You must be a very good skier.

Well, I started when I was a mere babe in arms.

I could ski before I could even crawl.

I'm terribly sorry, I beg your pardon.

It's all right.

This hotel is deteriorating rapidly.

Well...

Here's to you, Monsieur Gadbois.

Is that your own parrot?

No, it comes with the hotel. Does it?

Someone let it out of its cage, and I can't get it back in.

You need another glass. I most certainly do.

Swine parrot.

What is it you do, Monsieur Gadbois?

Well, you know, I do a little bit of this and a little bit of that.

A man of mystery.

One might say that, yes.

I would, of course, tell you more.

But it would be safer for you if I did not.

Are you all right? Of course I am.

Yes?

Excuse me, for moment I thought I was in your apartment.

Hello? I am in your apartment.

It's for you. For me?

There is no need to leave on my account.

There is need to leave on my account.

Hello? Monsieur Gadbois?

Yes, this is Monsieur Gadbois. Who is that speaking?

Don't you know? Can't you guess?

I'll give you a clue. This is the man who hates you.

This is the man who more than anything else would like to see you dead and buried.

The headwaiter that works at the little bistro on the rue des Beaux-Arts?

No! This is Chief Inspector Dreyfus.

Idiot!

You understand that anyone could call up here and ask for Monsieur Guy Gadbois and say that they were Chief Inspector Dreyfus.

What is your code name?

Code name, huh?

Code name?

I don't have a code name.

I never had a code name, lunatic!

I understand that, sir, but only the real Inspector Dreyfus would know that he did not have a code name.

Clouseau, why are you still in Switzerland?

Because I am here attempting to interrogate Lady Litton and trying to find out where her husband is.

Her husband is in Lugash.

He's been there since Tuesday.

Well, in that case, I will leave on the next available plane.

Yes, sir, yes. Quite, quite.

I quite understand what you mean, and I'm not arguing with you about that.

That would be my advice, as well. Yes, absolutely.

But...

Yes, I can understand your feelings under the circumstances. Absolutely.

Yes, that is quite right.

But I must say to you, sir, whatever your feelings are, you must not call me here at any hour of the night or day.

Even in an emergency.

A little bit of this and a little bit of that add up sometimes.

Thank you.

Did I understand you to say you were leaving on the next plane?

Regrettably, yes, yes.

One of life's little tragedies, you know.

Aw! So until we meet again...

I will say... here is looking at you, kid.

Is anything the matter?

Yeah.

Strange taste.

Well... au revoir. Au revoir.

The concierge, please.


Monsieur Gadbois' room.


Oh, no.


Yes?

Clouseau.

Since you have seen fit to disregard my orders and remain in Switzerland...

Don't interrupt!

I want you to arrest Lady Litton!

Arrest the Lady Litton?

Immediately!

If she is not in your custody within five minutes, you'll be checking parking meters in Martinique.

Yes, sir.

Five minutes!

No, Cato, you fool, this is not the time.

This is not the time, Cato!

Come out of there, come out of there!

This is the time!

You stupid fool, you see what you did?

You forgot the first rule of self-defence.

Never be taken by surprise!

I didn't expect to see you out of hospital so soon.

My brown suit. Give me the valet.

They did an excellent job of restoration on your yellow skin.

Valet, this is Inspector Clouseau. Please send up my brown...

Well, please send down my brown suit immediately.

I cannot wait. As quick as you possibly can!

Quicker, please!

I can't wait for them. Help me get dressed.

I have to go and arrest Lady Litton.

Arrest Lady Litton, be sure, but on what charge?

Hello, hello!

This is Inspector Clouseau. Please connect me with Paris, France.

Trocadero-3-7-1...

Hello, oui.

What?

Who?

Yes, yes, OK. I'll accept it.

Hello, Clouseau.

No, he's not here.

On vacation. He won't be back for a week.

I just spoke with him.

He instructed me to arrest Lady Litton immediately.

What?

Yes!

That's very easy for you to say.

I would be delighted to arrest her, yes!

On what charge?

It could be embarrassing if I go to her and say, "I arrest you in the name of the law."

She says "On what charge?" I do not have the answer.

What?

Oh, yes!

And the same to you!

Filthy swine.

Cato, very strange.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus calls me, tells me to arrest Lady Litton, immediately, without a charge I call him back, I find he's not in his office.

Even stranger, I find he's gone away on vacation.

Cato, things are very fishy in Denmark.

Switzerland. Yes, there too.

No more. No more, I've had enough.

This time it ends with a bullet in his brain.

Brain.

- Bonjour... Shh.

Merci.


Bonjour, madame.

Breakfast.

Voilà.

Just leave it over there. I'll sign for it later.

How about a little tip?

Charles, darling.

All right, all right.

Now where is it?

After all these years, you need to ask?

I'm quite serious.

Oh, I hope so. You hotel waiters lead such interesting lives.

No, no, no, no, no. Not now, darling. Not now. Please, now, where is it?

That depends on what you're looking for.

Now, come on, Claudine. Please, not now. Where is it? I'm losing patience.

I shall ask the hotel to send up another waiter.

I should like very much if you would hand me over the Pink Panther, if it is not too much trouble.

How did you find out so quickly?

Feminine intuition.

I thought it would take you at least another week.

You know, you are very good at what you do.

Thank you.

I was prepared to surrender my body to Clouseau if it was necessary.

Why did you do it?

I didn't. I said I was prepared to.

Aren't you a little bit proud of me?

You nearly had me killed, you know.

It's better than dying of boredom. Me? Bored with you?

I'm sorry, darling.

It's just that I never realised how tedious life could be for a retired jewel thief. Yuck.

Clever little beast.

Better than a hotel safe.

Now tell me, how did you find out it was me?

Well, there's something about a wife even with a beard.

Now, come on, darling.

It's time to get dressed, pack and go home.

Now, come on, darling...

Forgive the intrusion, madam, but you see before you a very disillusioned man.

Disillusioned and with a gun.

He's obviously not with the hotel. No.

Allow me to introduce Colonel Sharki of the Lugash Secret Police.

That explains the gun.

I foolishly believed that your husband was a man of integrity.

That was foolish. Thank you.

You see, your husband and I, we had an arrangement.

He was to do certain things, and if he didn't...

You were to do certain things.

Regrettably.

Coffee, darling. I'm sorry, there's only one cup.

I know I'm going to be sorry I asked this, but want to give me a for instance?

First, you will hand over the Pink Panther.

And second?

I will be forced to shoot you.

Who's forcing you?

Open the door in the name of the law.

Would you please, sir, answer the door?

Excuse me, darling.

Lady Litton, I am forced to arrest you!

And if you do not open this door, I will have no alternative but to break it down.

Very well.

Guy, you're all wet!

There's a defect in my plumbing.

Lady Litton, listen to me.

I have deceived you.

I am not Guy Gadbois. I am Inspector Clouseau of the Sûreté, and it is my painful duty to arrest you.

Do you know my husband?

I must confess I do. I met him several years ago.

When I meet him again, I'll arrest him immediately.

Then you must have met Colonel Sharki.

That idiot from the Secret Police. Yes, I know him. And when I...

Sir Charles Litton, I arrest you in the name of the law, and I warn you that anything you say will be...

Before you get all worked up, there's something you must know.

He intends to kill all of us.

Who? Colonel Sharki.

Good Sharki Colonel God, we were just talking about you.

As you can see, I've got the whole case buttoned up.

Everything is sewn up.

This is Sir Charles Phantom, the famous Pink Litton.

Who stole the...

What did you say? He was going to kill us?

Well, if you can persuade him to change his mind...

You're joking, of course. No.

You're going to kill me, as well? With pleasure.

Is there anything I can do that will make you change your mind?

Well, there's nothing that I can think of.

Supposing that I thought of something.

Hmm. For instance? Well...

For instance, supposing I told you that your fly was undone?

By a remarkable coincidence, so is yours.

Oh, no. Not again.

Ah! I see you are familiar with the "open fly" ploy.

Well, so am I.

You also know the "falling on the bed with the arm on the floor" ploy.

He's been shot dead, idiot. Don't call me an idiot.

What? Who?

Be careful, darling.

He's either reloading or out of ammunition.

He's out of his mind, that's what he's out of.

I'll kill him! I'll kill him!

Monsieur! I'll kill you!

Get out of my way!

Chief Inspector Dreyfus was tried and found not guilty, by reason of insanity.

Clouseau, the famous detective, was decorated by General Wadafi.

Then he went back to France, where I believe he took over the position vacated by the madman, Dreyfus.

There it is, ladies and gentlemen, the largest diamond in the world.

And surely, the most famous, or infamous, if you prefer.

The Pink Panther.

What ever happened to Sir Charles?

As far as anyone knows, he still is living the quiet life at his villa in the South of France.

Although there has been a rumour that the notorious Phantom is back at work, and although it has long been suspected that Sir Charles and the Phantom are one and the same, it has never been proved.

Mark my words, François.

Before the week is out, I will have proof that Sir Charles Litton is the Phantom.

Did you enjoy your food? Oh, yes, yes. Very nice.

You've probably guessed I have a passion for the Oriental food.

Cato usually does some cooking for me, but recently he's taken to attacking me at every chance.

It's very bad for the digestion.

That is very strange, François.

I don't ever recall receiving the fortune cookie in a Japanese restaurant.

What does it say? We shall see...

"Beware of Japanese waitress bearing fortune cookies."

Japanese waitress?

Cato, get off!

Cato!

No, you idiot!

Oh, I'm so terribly sorry. I beg your...

Stop, Cato! Enough, enough!

Enough, I say!

Get your hands off of me!

You must remember my new position in the force!

You have devastated my sukiyaki in there.

You fool! You raving Oriental idiot!

There is a time and a place for everything, Cato!

And this is it.


Kill him! Kill him!