[rock music intro]
[sounds of football being kicked around]
[girls giggle in background]
[Mark] If I'm being honest, even now I come across like a lobotomized hamster when it comes to approaching women and at the age of 12 having just blossomed into an idiot, I knew even less.
What are you doing? Uh hi, Connie. I wrote this for you.
Every day you're on my mind, I love the way you laugh.
I promise to always treat you kind, like you're my better half.
I'll keep you close to my heart you will always be and hope we're never apart, forever you and me.
What do you think?
[religious choral singing]
[priest] People who walk in darkness, will see a great light. Amen.
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.
Jesus said to them: "I am the bread of life, whoever comes to me will never be hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty."
Blah, blah, blah.
[Mark] That kid that was beating on me all those years ago, this is his funeral.
His epitaph would have read Here lies Tommy. He was an asshole, calm as a bitch, but my anonymous suggestion was ignored.
Anyway, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, et cetera, et cetera.
Mazel tov, amen.
Obviously he never said that because none of this is true.
Did you enjoy that? Yeah?
This is my girlfriend, Daniela. [Daniella] Hi.
[Kendra] Nice to meet you, Daniela.
Have a nice time I'll be back in a minute.
Surprised to see you here.
Well, I couldn't believe he was dead. Hmm.
I had to make sure.
Daniela, nice to meet you. How you doing there, how you doing.
How have you been, Johnny? Yeah, damn good, mate. Absolutely fucking, spot on, actually.
Working as a legal consultant tearing the ass out of my gorgeous girlfriend over there, life couldn't be fucking sweeter.
Did you come with anyone? Yes, do you see that chinless twat over there?
Who's the oaf? That's my flatmate.
You brought your flatmate to a funeral?
To be honest, he just kind of goes wherever there's free food.
Why don't you go and talk to her?
Of course, she won't remember you.
Ah, having said that I only recognized you when you started crying.
Oh, I didn't, I didn't--
I've got some vouchers from my nan, that's it. I mean, not enough to go.
[Mark] Tim. Tim! But you have credit cards.
One second. Someone I want you to meet.
How are you doing. So, here's the skinny.
So, the self-obsessed duckface over there, was the soon to be widow fat bloke.
Apparently, he was fucking loaded.
Good looking girl over there, she's engaged to the Ken Doll, and the hotty, right, she's an escort.
She's here with some chinless prat, right. No.
Yes. I just can't work out which one.
Tim. No, no, no.
Ah, so girlfriend, eh?
I didn't want to come standing.
Oh, so you thought you'd come with a hooker to avoid embarrassment.
She's an escort, there's a difference.
Okay, I'm going to leave you two to get better acquainted.
[woman] That was a lovely service, Father.
Breaks my heart in two having lost him, but at least I know he's at peace up there in heaven.
Oh sure, he's probably skipping along with Father Christmas and the Easter Bunny right now.
I just heard that you and uh, Tommy were together I just wanted to, you know, offer my condolences.
Such a pointless, senseless waste.
Yah, that too.
Um, took me by surprise, to be honest, didn't realize that he was your type.
Right, [chuckles] and who are you?
Mark, we went to school together for eight years.
I don't remember Tommy mentioning you, but thank you so much for coming.
Hey, if you, uh, if you ever want to catch up, if you need a shoulder to cry on.
You know, I'm, I'm always here if you need me.
Sorry, Martin, I don't know who you are...
...but are you seriously making moves on me at my boyfriend's funeral?
That's not what I was-- I was just saying that if you--
Uh, I'm going to leave. He-- Here's my card.
I'm Mark, Mark Walwyn.
Um, just give me a call anytime you need a-- No.
I'm gonna-- It's not a proposition, I'm-- Tim!
Nice to meet you, chinless.
My deepest condolences.
Just remember that Tony's in a better place now.
Who is Tony? Whatever.
Now, Mark, can I borrow £ 100, 'cause that escort doesn't take a fiver, I can tell you that.
Tommy would be rolling in his grave, if he knew Mark had turned up.
Mark who? The wanker you were just talking to.
Oh. Oh you remember, he was the one that sent you that pathetic poem.
I mean-- Tommy ended up beating him up for the next six years.
Oh my god, that was him? Huh-huh, yeah.
Why was he here? Well, I don't know, Connie.
You're kidding me. What?
My client, they're trying to buy this.
It's a-- it's a startup company.
So? They're trying to buy it for 20 million!
[Mark] Thank you so much.
Thank you. Chin-chin. Cheers.
On a scale of 1-10, how successful was your little meeting earlier?
About a three. She didn't even remember me.
Aw, well yeah, you are very forgettable.
How the hell does someone like Mark make 20 million?
By being a boring sad fucking nerd. [sighs]
He's gonna waste it on computers and porn.
Do something about it then.
What's so great about her?
It's hard to qualify really.
She just-- She was always so interesting, you know, just always made me laugh.
Well, it's not exactly the greatest stretch of the imagination to presume in certain circumstances, a gold-digger such as yourself could relieve a moron, such as Mark, of half his money.
You mean-- Uhuh...
Ugh, I don't want to marry someone I'm not in love with.
Of course, of course, of course. I know you're not in love with him, but let's say hypothetically you could love 10 million, couldn't you? [kissing]
I could love 10 million.
Exactly, that's what I thought. Mm.
Get your hands off me.
Well, it could be worse, yeah?
You could be like him, with a gold-digger on your arm.
Sorry. He doesn't look too unhappy.
Hey, mate, are you happy?
Ignorance is bliss, innit?
I wouldn't want to be with someone who's only with me for my money, would you?
No, I wouldn't want to be alone either.
That would justify it?
If he's happy, why does he have to justify it?
Fuck off, you deserve that.
Go on, the door's that way. Off you go.
Hi, is that Mark?
[Mark] Yes, hi.
Would you be, free to meet up at all?
Yeah, I'll meet up. That sounds great.
Good, thank you.
They'll see you now, just go to the fourth floor.
Amazing! Okay, great, then I'll see you on Tuesday.
[knocking on the window]
Because time dilation right close to a black hole is a maximum of 50%.
So, that doesn't make any sense that they would be there for 30 years, whilst they're down there 40 minutes.
Are you okay? Yeah, why?
Your eye's twitching a lot. Is it?
You're not having a stroke, are you? [sarcastic chuckle]
No, it's probably just pink eye.
I don't have pink eye. I don't have any STDs, I don't--
Yes, great, thank you.
That, I'm just surprised that you called me.
Because I could hear myself and I sound stupid and I'm clearly floundering.
Just, just, just relax, just be yourself.
Thank you, thank you so much.
Yeah, it's lovely.
Good, glad you approve.
Thank you so much.
See the point is that uh, well, we haven't spoken for 12 years, and, um, I mean there must be a reason why because y--, y--, you know I liked you.
Mark, you're a nice guy.
Oh no, not-- don't call me a nice guy.
Not the whole, it's not you, it's me thing.
No, it's not me, it is you.
Mark, I really liked you.
I never wanted you to be the kind of guy that let life slip through their fingers.
If Tommy's passing taught me anything, it's that life's short.
If there's something you want,
you've gotta take it.
What are you doing?
What do you think?
I mean, if I'm misreading things that's very embarrassing for me.
I think that ship's sailed.
Just kiss me, Mark. Yes!
[glass clangs] [Mark] Oh.
I am so sorry. I'm so sorry.
Excuse me, thank you. Hey.
Thank you, thank you so much.
Just a little drop, ahh.
[sniffs] You're fine.
So the reason I-- I did the second glass of wine, uh, was because, didn't want it to stain, hence the white wine.
Uh, I realize you're not a carpet.
I fucked that one up, didn't I?
At least it wasn't flaming Sambucas!
[uplifting romantic music]
[romantic uplifting song]
Connie, you once told me that if there's something in life that you want, you have to take it, and I'm uh, uh... I'm crazy about you and uh, tonight I'm hoping that one little word--
[snaps the box closed] Yes.
But I uh, I wrote this whole uh, this um--
Ugh, Mark, you're so sweet. Come here.
That's how I always pictured it.
[Mark] Tim, we've been friends now for-- I don't know.
But in that time, we've always been there for each other, haven't we?
Friends is a very strong word, but, yes, flatmates, we've always been very supportive of each other.
So, on my special day, when I have the love of my life on one side, nothing would make me prouder than to have my best um, flatmate on the other.
I suppose it makes sense.
So, the question I want to ask you, Timmy...
Tim, is-- will you do me the honor of being my best man?
Yeah, all right, just give me my hand back.
Give me a hug, you big tit.
Aw, that was easy.
Well, in my capacity as best man I'm going to ask you to reconsider marrying her.
I'd like to draw your attention to some information I've had compiled.
[chuckles] What is this?
She's a bit of a shit.
You can't call her a bit of a shit, Tim.
She's my fiancé.
Well, I'm duty bound to make you fully aware that you're about to marry a shit.
She's not a shit, she's awesome.
Is she though? I mean, look at the evidence it's there in black and white.
Look, you just don't know her the way I do, okay, she's wonderful.
She's made me happier than I've ever been, okay?
Been very inconvenient for me, booted out of the flat.
Well, I was being cruel to be kind.
You should spread your wings a little you couldn't sleep on my couch for the rest of your life.
Cruel to be kind. You're just being a twat to be selfish.
The only reason you wanted me out of the flat, was so you could strut around naked, balls flapping around, and have sex in the lounge.
Yes, I was, I did, and I have.
What was it like?
What do you think, Ducky?
Ducky, is that a chicken leg?
Chicken leg. Chicken leg. It's a chicken leg, it's a chicken leg.
Chicken leg. Aw, Ha, oh god.
What a brute.
What a brute!
Here you go.
That's expensive wine.
So, I was thinking, what if we got married in six weeks?
Get married before, if you want.
Whatever, if you can find a church that's free.
You put any thought into who you want to be your maid of honor?
Yes, my sister.
Oh, [inhales] could she go on holy ground?
Nothing funny about a pigmentation problem, Mark.
She's not a vampire!
I just thought it'd be Kendra, I like her, she's great.
Well, maybe you should marry her instead.
No, I just thought she'd be your first--
Oh, Jesus Christ, Mark!
Will you stop talking about the wedding.
Oh, uh, hi.
I'm sorry, baby.
I'm just adjusting. It's all very new for me.
Don't be mad at me.
Well I'm-- you know, I'm not entirely sure you should be... unpunished.
I'm ready for anything.
Whatever you want to give me.
No, no don't--
Hello, oh hi! No, I hadn't heard about that.
Tell me, tell me!
[exhales] Blue balls.
Don't look at me!
[chilled electro music]
[tapping on phone sound]
[guitar power chord joins in the music]
[message ping] [Johnny] Sugar tits, not too much longer then the money is ours.
Just think of me if you have to shag him
[Connie] This is driving me crazy pretending to be in love.
How stupid does he think I am?
Assuming I don't know anything about his deal?
- [Message ping Johnny] -Just want Mark to sign the papers.
It's a done deal, I reckon.
Once you marry, you'll be able to get at least half, if not more.
Especially if you can prove that he's been a lousy husband, and shag.
Laughing, smiley face, aubergine, water spray.
[dramatic classical music]
[dramatic classical music]
Put your glad rags on, we're going out for dinner.
Ugh, you're always doing this.
I'm tired, in my pajamas, I'm not going out.
Okay, I just got some good news I wanted us to celebrate.
What, someone's upgraded you to the idiot in the village?
What? Nothing, sweetheart. What's your news?
Well, looks like I've come into some money.
Amazing, how much?
20 million, fuck! [chuckles]
My uncle died. It's brilliant.
Yeah. 20 million! [sarcastic chuckle]
No, no, ha!
[sarcastic chuckle] What a random number.
I don't know. I don-- uh?
That's so strange that you would just pick
20 million out of anywhere.
What? I don't know, I was going to--
And then you said and um, I got carried away and--
But that's still so weird. So weird.
It just goes straight from err to that.
[Mark sarcastically chuckles] Honey--
Listen, what I've decided is, I'm going to spend it all on the wedding.
Because you, my love, you deserve the best.
20 million! [chuckles] Idiot. [chuckles]
Did you reserve the table?
No, but I think we'll be all right.
Is there a good reason we didn't get a cab?
Well, yeah, I thought you'd appreciate the exercise.
Those jeans were a bit tight.
Yeah, I hope you'll like it.
Uh, it's one of my favorite places in town.
I'm sure, but--
You all right?
Can I get two large donnas, extra chili, extra garlic, please?
And uh, do you want-- d'you want a coke?
Hey, two cokes.
There you go.
That'll be £9.50.
Okay, hold on.
Bollocks, I've left my wallet at home.
Can you lend me a tenner?
Don't embarrass me in front of kebab man.
She's got it, it's all right.
Oh, 20! Keep the change.
Ah, you're right, I should have booked.
Look, it's full up.
This is a really good kebab shop.
Do you seriously expect me to sit here, and eat this on the street like a cockroach?
A cockroach? That's a bit much, isn't it?
Look at this. Thank you.
I have been looking forward to this all day.
Uh, it's all right.
What's wrong, you don't like kebabs?
Wearing them, no!
Eating them-- Yes!
We should do this again sometime. This is fun.
I would like to go home. Yeah, okay.
Oh, but I haven't thanked you for this, come here.
Such a lucky man.
I know. [chuckles]
[Mark] Come on, it's gonna get cold.
[radio playing music]
Morning, eat that. [laughs]
We meant to be doing something today?
Uh, yeah, getting my wedding dress.
Aw, I don't want to do that, that doesn't sound like any fun to me.
Baby, it's not about you having fun, it's about you being there to support me.
Uhuh. And pay for the dress.
Of course, sweetheart, I have you covered.
What's that? Half a shoe?
[whispers] Are trying to be funny again?
Baby, please don't make me regret saying yes.
I don't do cheap.
Well, if you're having second thoughts about the wedding?
Of course, not. [laughs]
It's our special day and as your princess I'm going to make sure I look like one.
So, that means the cheapest dress probably isn't the nicest.
Yes, but superstition.
Super special, okay.
Is that my coffee?
Oh, d'you want one?
Last one, sorry. It was nice though.
[Mark] Why don't you want Kendra at the wedding?
[Connie] We don't talk anymore.
You fall out?
Can we stop talking about Kendra.
What do you think?
Yeah. I like it. [laughs] [laughs] Yeah.
It reminds me of that, but like in a good way, obviously.
I'll try another one on.
You sure? I like it.
Tim, oh thank god, I'm so fucking bored.
No, I'm not doing anything important.
[pop music playing]
[pop song playing]
Do you approve of this one?
I mean, yeah, they're all fine.
You've had a shitty comment for every dress I've tried on.
I like this one, so I'm just waiting for the possible fault you're going to find with it.
Look, if I have to find a fault, I mean, if you're going to put a gun against my head, makes you look like a man.
No, sorry. Not a man, like a drag queen, but like a really bang-able one.
Well, feel free to find a dress that doesn't make me look like RuPaul or a pregnant whale, or a French prostitute.
Because I would like to find a dress that doesn't make you laugh or make me feel like a circus act.
I mean, there must be one, so--
[Mark] That one, that one, that one.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Next, next, next, next--
Ah, ah, ah, don't skip it.
Ah, ah, one back.
That's the bunny.
Thi-- This one?
Sir, this one's actually a child's bridesmaids dress.
It's a joke, it's a bridesmaid's dress.
Well, they'll let it out.
Who wants to be like all the other brides?
You'll stand out.
You'll be-- you'll be my pea green princess.
Well, you gonna be my pea green groom?
No. [chuckles] No!
I'm not stupid. [laughs]
Go ahead, try it on.
Oh yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, that.
No, it doesn't even fit me. It's a children's dress, for children.
Here standeth before me an angel in green. An angel.
Oh my god, it's beautiful.
It's so green, I love it.
That's the dress. That's it.
I want to marry you in that dress.
Ladies, thank you very much. We'll wrap it up, we'll take it.
There you go, gentlemen.
This is so much harder than I thought it would be.
What, being a dick?
Hmm, it's harder than you think.
Well, why don't you just call it quits?
My rent's due in a week. I can move straight back in.
Let's go home now and start throwin' her stuff out.
I am not throwing in the towel, Timmy.
I have to believe even if it's microscopic in size, that she has some dignity left.
She's got to be about to crack.
Isn't that, that twat from the funeral?
Yeah, let's talk about this later.
Johnny, Tim. Tim, Johnny.
Yeah, we met at the funeral, remember? Uh, chinless.
Lovely to see you again, Timothy.
Uh, sugar tits, can I get a pint for my guys over here.
He's fucking JS.
He's the bloke who's been talking to Connie.
Well, you're gonna definitely have to raise your game if you want to be as obnoxious as this prick.
Listen, do you know who you're talking to?
Do you know who you're talking to? Johnathan Sothcott.
Do you know who I'm fucking talking to?
It's the dickless fuckface, that fucking isn't having you.
Now go fuck yourself.
Ugh, fucking charities.
Mate, if I wanted head, I'd have asked for a fucking blowjob.
You, pint, sort it out.
Sorry, I do apologize, sir. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wonderful. [bartender] Aye.
Kendra, hi, hi.
Oh god. Uh--
Avoided an awkward situation there, didn't we?
Maybe that can be our thing.
Listen, whatever Connie wants you to say to me I don't know why she didn't just-- No, she didn't.
Connie didn't send me to say anything.
No, this is for me.
Okay, what do you want?
Grab a coffee? Yes, sorry, Mark. Thanks.
And so yeah, for whatever reason, she and Johnny think I'm about to become rich, and so they're just-- Thank you.
That's fine. They're just using me.
Yeah, that's my sad sorry tale.
Why did you two fall out?
Once upon a time, I was engaged and she slept with my fiancé.
No happy ending then.
I caught them at Tommy's funeral.
He was consoling her in a back room, my back room.
I mean anal. My maid of honor!
How her clichéd is that?
Maybe I should take a leaf out of your book and get revenge on him.
Well, I have a list of things I was planning to do.
Uhuh. Happy to share.
Great. Fucking anal.
Uh, you could create a fake email and send his boss dick pics.
You drop eye drops in his drink, you could fake a pregnancy.
Oh my god, do you know what I could do?
A letter arrived from the Modern School of Art inviting him to apply.
It's his dream opportunity, it's all he's ever talked about.
He doesn't know the letter's arrived.
Rip it up.
It's a bit of a shit thing to do, though, isn't it?
Aw, cheating on you with your best friend isn't?
Fuck him. Fuck him.
How far are you going to take this?
[sighs] Take it as far as it needs to go.
It's weird though, she strangely thick skinned.
She seems to be taking it all in a stride.
Bitchy. You know what it is?
I think I'm too charming.
I just seem to fail to repel her.
No? No, okay, it's not that.
She hates someone being center of attention.
Will you help me with something?
What little something?
Are you free tonight?
What makes you think I need to go on a blind date?
Because you sit around your flat wearing nothing but your pants watching porn all day.
Uh, not true, actually. I'm on my PlayStation.
Sorry, I didn't realize you were such a social butterfly.
Are you wearing any trousers?
Yes, I'll give you that one.
Ducky, want to go on a date? [speaking Ducky] Yeah.
I think it's great that he finally has a date.
Yes, are you sure they're going to let Tim in?
Uh, come on, Connie, can you just not be mean.
We're meant to make him look good in front of his girlfriend.
Yeah, I'm assuming she's blind or needs a visa.
And here they are! Hi. Hey, come in.
[both sides gasp]
Oh my god.
Mark, Connie, meet Kendra.
Connie, look, it's Kendra.
Yes, I can see.
Mark, Kendra, do you know each other?
Yes, we do, Tim. We all went to school together.
What a small world.
Connie. Kendra, how are you?
Yeah, good, thanks, Con.
Hey, congratulations on your engagement.
He's quite the steal. Oh, calamari.
So, how did you two meet?
I don't mean to pry. [chuckles] Yes. [sarcastic laugh]
I have to say, Kendra that dress looks marvelous on you.
Well, thanks, that's so sweet.
No, not at all. Tim, you are a lucky man.
What? Since when did you become a fashion expert?
You've never complimented me on anything I've ever worn.
Or maybe if you went shopping with Kendra, I would.
[Kendra] I'd love to take you shopping.
I'm sure we could sort that out.
Oh my god, speaking of embarrassing things, do you remember history lessons, or awkward bonus sessions as you used to call them?
God, yes, how could I forget?
It was like clockwork. Never knew I liked history so much.
He had to sit at the back of the class.
Yes, I was always afraid.
They make me go to the front and then I'd tip the table over on my way up! [laughter]
You're telling me, we had to put a block on the History Channel.
Tim, you're hilarious.
Kendra, and do you remember the time when Mr. Thomas passed out outside the dining hall? [laughs]
He had a very serious condition, Connie.
A bit awkward.
What was it he had? Narcolepsy.
Um, didn't he end up getting buried alive.
[Mark] That was a good one!
It wasn't funny.
Friends, ahh, narcolepsy.
None of you is funny.
I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, and she loves me back.
Tim, you get paid to say that.
She probably said you were the best she ever had and that Tiny Tim was huge.
Ha, ha, you can joke all you want, Mark it doesn't matter, because I'm in love.
I'm in love with Kendra.
Yes, a million times, yes!
Mate, why don't you sit down because I think maybe you've missed the entire point of last night.
Ooo, I better get this.
Here you go, sugar tits. Thank you.
Could you please put some clothes on?
Could you please take some off?
Oh god, it was so awkward.
What the fuck was she doing there?
And to add salt to the wound, I had to sit there fake smiling as usual. Ugh.
I've got lockjaw on a daily basis now, ugh.
What, from giving him loads of blowjobs?
No. Oh god, if I fake any more, I'm going to get a brain hemorrhage.
[yawning and mumbling]
I'm sorry, am I-- Am I boring you?
I'm good, sugar tits.
What you're doing is great, right?
I'm really proud of how far you've come. Just [inhales] breathe.
Uhuh. It's all in the fucking mind now, yeah? You've got to stay focused.
Think of what we can do with it, yes?
Yes, I can buy therapy.
You used me. I thought you knew what we were doing.
How could you do that to me? Because, Tim, I thought you knew what we were doing. Why?
Because I don't have feelings? Because I don't have needs?
Oh, for god's sake. Oh, good old Tim, we'll use him.
All he does is sit around and watch porn all day.
An' uh, he won't mind.
He's probably spanking one out right now as we speak.
Were you? Yes.
Well. That's beside the point.
You assumed that I was too insensitive to care.
Prick me, Mark. Do I not bleed?
Tim, I remember telling you the actual words that it was a fake date.
Congratulations, Mark because I do care. I do bleed.
Do you want to go on a quick holiday?
Yes, all right.
Oh, hell. Honestly, you barely notice it.
Are you blind or are you just a fucking moron?
I like it. I think it suits you.
You're a moron.
I'm not the one who put hair removal cream in my shampoo, am I?
What the hell was hair removal cream doing in there in the first place?
I'm sorry, but do you want me to have a hairy back?
Look, the uh, car's going to be here in less than an hour, do you think maybe you'll have sobbed out all your boohooing by then?
No? Okay. Then maybe you have a big hat?
No, I do not have a big hat and if you think I'm going to go out in public looking like this--
Okay, well, then I'll uh, I'll cancel the car and the holiday then.
I'll, uh, call the church and postpone the wedding too.
Well, if you can't go out in public I assume you have to wait till your hair grows back to get married.
So-- think of the photos.
No, it's fine.
Is it? Are you sure, slappy?
[chuckles] It's not bad actually like, you said, quite good.
Look at all the things that I can do, that I couldn't do when I had too much hair.
Great, so all good for the holiday then? Yup.
Cool. I think I have something that might help.
Come on. In case you were wondering I wore it for a fancy dress contest. I was Cher.
You know I wasn't wondering.
I wore it a bit better than you, that's probably why I came second.
Excellent, there they are.
Surprise, road trip.
Oh my fucking god, this is your surprise?
Who doesn't love a road trip? Me.
Come on. I don't.
Let me help you with that bag.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Thank you, pal. Hello, love.
Hi, babe. Hi.
Nice to see you. Your hair.
Yes, my hair. Look at you.
[dog barks] What the-- What is that?
Oh, say hello to Ducky.
I hate dogs.
Trust me, it'll be fun. Come on, get the door.
There you go.
Excuse me. Timmy, all right, pal.
So, No, no, no, no, please. Hello, Ducky.
Hello, Ducky. There you go.
[car door closes]
Come on, hurry up.
Come on, let's go.
[electro piano music]
[car horn beeps]
She is so slow. Waiting all day for you, come on.
Tim. Tim, could you please tell your stupid dog to stop breathing all over me?
I'm going to be sick. Ducky, stop breathing on your auntie Connie. There's a good dog.
Tim, this is a lovely car. It's much nicer than I was expecting.
How did you afford this? Ah, you know.
No, I don't, that's why I'm asking. How did you afford it?
Popped it on the old credit card, no need to thank me.
[chuckles] Yeah. Stop going on about it.
You don't have a credit card, Tim.
Where is the lease agreement?
You put it on my fucking credit card.
Like I said, no need to thank me, all yours.
You've hired it for a fucking month? Yeah.
Just-- Fuck me! Shit.
Fuck me. God, sorry.
Are you all right? That's going to stain.
You think? Fucking joke. What is?
Everything. Everything you have done is a joke.
All right, keep your hair on.
What is it? Do you just wake up every morning, and think of all the things you could do to annoy me?
I'm struggling to fathom how someone can operate on such a moronic level.
Really? I thought I completed you.
Let's not mistake a fire for a fireman.
Oh, interesting distinction let's see where she goes with this.
Okay, uh, where to begin?
You have the social grace of a syphilitic gorilla and I can't go anywhere without you humiliating me. That's not true.
Okay, what about the concert we went to, where you sung along?
It's a concert.
We were at the opera.
Well, excuse me, your majesty!
Okay, and then the time I took you to my favorite restaurant and you complained the food was undercooked?
I like my steak well done.
It was steak tartare, it's supposed to be raw, you fucking moron.
If I'm such an unbearable monster to be around why don't you just call the whole thing off?
I spy with my little eye something beginning with H.
No, you don't.
Haircut. No. Hitchhiker.
No, no, don't. No. Yes, we're going to do it.
Cool car, guys. Thank you.
Cool dog, cool dog.
Fucked him? No? That's a cute dog, man.
You farted? No?
Fair enough. Anybody fancy a threesome?
There's five of us.
Yes, well, two can watch, one can film! [screams]
I'm just gonna change my top.
Were we supposed to be leaving Connie behind?
Fuck, I wouldn't even do this on purpose.
Oh god, look, she looks so happy.
[Mark] I'm so sorry.
I'm really sorry, Connie, can you just--
Can you say something?
Call me stupid or useless?
[Connie] What do you mean we're sleeping in a tent?
We're sleeping in a tent.
[Kendra] Come on, it will be fun.
[Connie] Oh god, why are you pretending to enjoy all this?
[Kendra] Could ask you the same question.
What do you mean by that?
You clearly don't love Mark.
Huh, of course I do. Really?
Well, then name something you even like about him because you clearly don't struggle to list the things he does that piss you off.
I knew this would happen.
Yup, you still blame me.
Of course not. You were such a good friend.
It's not my fault you conning on to a boyfriend.
Fiancé, and yes it is, if you're the one who fucks him.
[Tim] Come on now, I've got your dish.
[Ducky growls] I have it. Oh, beans?
Not really a big fan. Right.
In the damn supermarket, anyone?
Knock yourself out.
I'll come. Right.
You know what? I saw a lovely pub nearby.
Spork. It's not yours Ducky!
Are we taking this too far? No.
Was it honestly an accident leaving Connie behind?
You sure it hasn't just become second nature to be mean to her?
Most people would've moved on by now.
Really? You moved on from your fiancé?
Rip up the letter. You'll feel better.
I don't think revenge is the answer and I don't think you do either.
Well, that's working for me.
Here, go on. No.
Let's destroy the evidence.
[phone camera click] What are you doing?
What I should've done from the start.
I'm sending it to him.
Maybe Connie deserves this, but are we any better by being so dishonest and manipulative?
Getting your dignity back has got be worth something, isn't it?
Yeah, but I'd like to point out there is a big difference between getting your dignity back and getting revenge.
Maybe it's just time that on behalf of all men, that have been duped by some scurrilous gold-digger that I get a little payback.
Bollocks. Don't play the victim.
Don't pretend this is some grand crusade.
This is about your fragile ego.
Ooh? Here's the thing I don't understand, Mark.
Connie is already a fundamentally unhappy person, right?
So, why are you wasting so much of your time and energy on trying to make her even more miserable?
There's no prize at the end of this.
And I don't think she's the only one who's being punished.
I'll settle the bill.
[cellphone pings a text]
Oh my god, oh my god. [cough, cough] Oh my god.
Come here, you little shit bag.
Connie, can I have a word?
[Connie] Come here. No, leave me alone.
Come on. Give it to me, stupid dog.
[Mark] Connie. Mark, leave me alone!
Leave me alone. No, get off. No, no, no, no.
Connie. What? What?
I just want to have a chat.
Oh, you want to chat?
What do you want to chat about Mark?
What nugget of brilliance have you got for me today?
Have you got another fucking surprise up your sleeve?
Are we going to the sauna with your fat friend or maybe, I'm going to go winkle picking with Kendra, will that be fun?
That wouldn't be awkward, would it?
Tell me, Mark. I'm waiting on tenterhooks.
I'm waiting with bated breath to hear what earth shattering chat we're going to have.
Don't leave me in the dark, Mark. Tell me. Nothing, Connie.
Oh, good. So can we go home? No, not yet.
Of course. We're going to stay another night in this luxury five-star field. Nope.
Well, what then? We're gonna, um--
Oh, no, I'm gonna stop you right there. I don't want to ruin the surprise, 'cause you know how much I fucking love them so far.
Yeah well, you know what? You'll probably hate it like everything else, wouldn't you?
Ugh. Where's the bathroom? Oh, it's over there next to the five-star restaurant. What restaurant?
Oh, that's right. We're in a field. Go behind the bushes.
I'm not going behind the bushes.
Go wherever you want, Connie.
Just do it downwind of me.
Fuck you. Fuck you! You get out as well.
What, a fucking lunch box? Fucking camping.
Who's fucking shit idea was that?
Could you help tidy up? Fucking done with camping.
Fucking done with it. Never again, never.
Connie! Connie! Connie, you asleep? Connie.
[Connie] What? Shut up.
Are you asleep? Yes.
I was just checking.
Kitten. Why do you do this to yourself?
We'll have to get Alexa to sort you out.
If you insist on looking like a drag queen.
Couldn't you at least look like a pretty one?
Oh, my god. Mom.
I thought she said her parents died in a house fire.
Pumpkin! Hi, ha, ha.
[kissing] You look awful.
Well, hello, Mr. Beefcake.
Let's get you out of these wet things.
They're not wet.
Oh, must just be me then.
I'm out of here.
No. Tim. I need you.
Come on, puppy. We're going home.
Unlock the car.
See you inside. Come on, trust me. But you--
So, you're the lucky chap marrying my daughter, then?
No, afraid not. Best man. Oh, best man?
Yes. Are you a rugby player?
Don't take one. We don't want to have to squeeze you into your wedding dress.
Or, indeed the church.
How are you, Alexa? You look like you've had a few late nights.
Hmph, what a chief?
I think it's a goth thing.
Very kind of you to put us all up, Carol.
Mm, my pleasure.
Connie doesn't have that many friends over here.
Yeah, I wonder why.
Oh no, she's talking to herself again.
I hope that doesn't mean we have to send her back to the clinic.
Well, I'm not paying for it, and she's your problem now.
[giggles] Do you want some bread, Chief?
Dad, will you say something?
Alexa, don't waste food on Connie.
You know I recognize you.
I'm one of Connie's oldest friends.
She used to come here every day.
Oh yeah, the sexy one.
They used to be best friends.
Best friends, you mean only friend?
Until Connie fucked Kendra's fiancé.
Alexa! Pork chop.
You bitch. Language.
Chief. Well, I must say, that doesn't sound very sporting, pumpkin.
I hope you apologized.
Gabby. Yes, sir.
More bread. Not for Connie though.
And uh, Gabby, fill this up, would you?
[slap] Oh, there's a good girl.
[Patrick] So, you're going to make an honest woman of my daughter, then.
I'm expected to give my blessing.
I need to know that you're going to make her happy, Mark.
What's the point, if you're not going to make each other happy?
It's a kind of embarrassing, but um, I spent most of my childhood daydreaming about my life with Connie.
You're right. That was embarrassing.
No, no, no. That's really sweet.
Connie is so lucky to have met someone like you.
Yes, very lucky. Very lucky.
Very, very, lucky.
Really lucky. Very lucky.
Yes, very, very, very lucky. Chief.
Yeah, I'm a firm believer in traditional standards.
Woman's place is in the home and whatnot, or in the kitchen if you can't afford a maid.
That's very progressive of you.
Hmm. Can you afford a maid, Mark?
I am working on it.
See, I want Connie to be independent, not so reliant on mom and dad.
That's why we spent her inheritance, on Alexa's promising pop career.
♪ Chief fuck ♪
Now, I know that some people may see me as a bit uh, old fashioned, that's fine.
The world goes on. But there are certain things that I simply will not accept.
[Mark] No, of course not. [Patrick] I mean, don't get me wrong.
I know that when you're young things can seem very confusing.
I myself had crushes on some of the bigger boys at my school.
Oh, good Lord.
Captain of the football team and so forth.
Harnessing and some fumbling's heavy petting, gobbling.
That sort of thing, but the point is one grows out of that type of behavior.
I suppose so.
I'm going to pace myself, if that's okay.
Hmm, suit yourself.
Gabby, top up, please.
My god, let's get out of here.
I couldn't fathom what he might do next.
Yeah, minging isn't it?
Yes, it's awful.
Almost makes me feel sorry for her.
Hmm. Explains a lot.
Yeah, it does.
If I didn't know any better, and say what you said about her in there, is how you still feel.
It's a good thing you know me better then, isn't it?
Yeah, it is.
You do still have feelings for her?
How silly. Yeah, you do.
This isn't about punishing her because she deserves it.
This is about punishing her so you don't have to let her go.
No. No, that's not true.
You've just been validating your decision to stay with her.
Okay, so what's my alternative? Alright, I go in there, end it, walk off blissfully to the sunset hand in hand with Tim. Yeah.
Yeah, how's that working out for you and your ex-fiancé? Are you happier now?
I feel like myself again. I feel like I've moved on. I'm not angry.
I'm not angry! Then what are you?
Lonely. I wish I could end it, I do.
I wish I could just walk in there, be done with it.
I can't. I just--
[sighs] I've been in love with her for 20 years, Kendra.
I can't just-- I can't just end it.
Mark, you're not in love with her.
You've been infatuated with her.
You deserve to be happy.
You should be with someone who really understands you and appreciates you and cares about you.
We both know that's not Connie.
Oh, come here.
[music box plays]
[dramatic classical music]
[lid slams shut]
Who is it?
I'm coming in. Please don't.
I think you're in the wrong room.
No, no, no, no, we can do it in any room you like.
I can't fight it any longer.
Your persistence has finally paid off.
You're going to get a [smack] spanking.
My safe-word is, Camembert.
Well, my safe-word is, your husband terrifies me.
Don't mind me, old chap. I'll be as good as gold.
Ducky, you better cover your eyes, mate.
Don't be such a spoilsport. You'll love it.
[Tim in the other room] No, no, no, no, no. Camembert!
[woman screaming] One more time. One more time.
[Tim] Your husband terrifies me!
♪ You know the way my blood runs 'Cause darlin' You're the only one ♪
♪ Can you and I go somewhere? Go somewhere we can be alone ♪
♪ Lying like John and Yoko or fake our deaths and leave ♪
♪ Am I tripping Are you with me? ♪
♪ 'Cause darlin' You're the only one ♪
♪ The world is going mad ♪
♪ You and I can hide away ♪
♪ I can't stand the TV screen ♪
♪ Turn it off, pull the plug ♪
♪ They can try They won't find us ♪
♪ Slow down your heartbeat ♪
♪ Close your eyes And don't speak ♪
♪ Lay with my body ♪
♪ Play dead, play dead with me ♪
♪ No need to escape. We can find our own way ♪
♪ You got me hiding In cupboards ♪
♪ Play dead, play dead with me ♪
♪ We'll stock up some ration ♪
♪ So we don't have To leave this room ♪
♪ I'm dead Don't care what happens ♪
♪ As long As I'm in here with you... ♪ Morning, sleep well?
Anyone seen Beefcake?
I think I saw him going for a run.
Oh, thank you, Kendra. Okay.
[dog barking] [mother] Get down, get down.
She's been bitten by the dog.
Cons, so how was the road trip?
Did he get all grabby or did he keep his mitts to himself?
Ugh, he's not like that.
You're confusing him with yourself.
So, when you speak to your lawyer next, you need to make sure he gets you some shares too.
Right, that's where the real payoff's really going to come from. Where is the idiot?
Why d'you have to call him that? Look, it's still half of his money.
There's really no need to add insult to injury.
Says the trollop who's literally about to rip out his heart and dance on it.
Literally. I'm literally going to do that, am I?
I'm literally going to open his chest cavity, rip out his heart and dance on it? Any particular dance?
It can be fucking Gangnam style if you like it.
Any girl will be lucky to have Mark.
[Johnny] Oh, fucking hell. Jesus.
You haven't got that... Stockholm syndrome, have you?
[sighs] [Johnny Hang on in there.
I need you to sit tight for me, okay?
We're going to have so much fucking money.
So much fucking money.
Think of all the things we can do with each other.
Think of all those lovely, lovely anal beads I can get you.
Hey, Siri, call Fatface McFlippy Nips.
[Siri] Calling Fatface McFlippy Nips.
Oh, shit it's him. Who?
[gagging noises] Him, him!
The bloke we're talking about. Fucking Mark.
Answer it, moron.
Hello. Johnny, how are you?
Good, good, good good, good. What about you?
Good, just wondering what you're up to tonight.
Not a great deal, mate. No plans as yet.
Perfect, why don't you come over here.
I was going out for a bit.
Just to the shops. Didn't ask.
Can I get you anything?
No. I'm fine, thank you.
Hey, so I just wanted to apologize for my family.
Don't be silly, you've got nothing to apologize for. Yeah, no, I do. [chuckle]
It's like being around a bunch of wild animals on heat at that place.
We all have our burdens, don't we?
You have your family and I have Tim.
I wish I could be close to them, but, my loss, I guess. See you later.
See you later.
[Mark] Thanks for coming, mate. It's really nice to see you.
[Johnny] Oh, thanks for inviting me over. [door slams]
Oh, here she is. Look who's here.
We love you too. Hi.
Uh, sweetheart we're out of wine, so I'm going to nip to the shop, grab a bottle.
Uh, you'll be all right for 10 minutes, will you?
Yeah, no problem, chief.
Be back in a bit.
What are you doing?
He's going to be back in a few minutes.
Taking my shoes off. A few minutes is all I need.
No. No. Stop it. No. No.
Connie, come on. It'll be exciting.
Stop it. Stop it.
Stop it, now. Stop it. Stop it.
They think I'm so stupid.
Oh, he's got his trousers off now.
Come on. Already?
Hello. [Mark] Hello. Hi, yeah, no uh, I couldn't find the bottle of wine I wanted, so I'm going to pop down to the supermarket.
I'll be about 20 minutes.
Yes. I'll see you in a bit.
I don't think you're gonna find that closure tonight, mate.
[Connie] Stop it. [Johnny] How long we've got?
[Connie] For what?
For this. Come on.
20 minutes, and no. Shut up. No. Yes.
I don't understand, why won't my fiancé have sex with that man?
Some people, eh? Yeah.
Don't be in such a twist. Nothing.
I just have zero interest in having sex with a fucktard like you.
Put your fucking clothes back on now. [door slams]
Jesus Christ, you're being such a fucking bore, Connie.
He's so annoying.
Here you go. Good luck.
Thanks. Enjoy the show.
Fuck me, what happened in here? Hello mate.
Is it warm in here? It is a little bit toasty, isn't it?
Hey, I didn't know you were going to be back so soon.
Yeah, well they didn't have the wine I wanted, but then I figured you're just going to put water in yours anyway, so--
Uh, Johnny. Yes.
You like red? I bloody love it. Red.
Good. Man after my own heart. Just say when.
Oh, ah, shit! uh, Johnny, I'm so sorry.
And so careless of me.
That's fine. It's very clearly, going to leave a big stain on your shirt.
I sort of prefer it that way, anyway. If you don't mind, I'm just going to get this tablecloth cleaned up... No, no, no, no!
No, no, good one. No, no, this is my favorite table cloth. No, no, no, no.
Why don't you just let me wash my own tablecloth?
No, I think it's part of the design.
My mother gave me this. Did she?
Johnny, give me, give me it. Johnny.
Why are you so attached to this tablecloth, Johnny?
Just give me the tablecloth, Johnny.
Just leave the fucking tablecloth alone, you prick.
Give me the tablecloth.
Huh. The thing is, mate.
Yes, the thing.
Well, I thought I'd just, you know, have a little one.
Right. That's your good idea.
Should we do this another night?
Great idea. Fantastic.
You mind if I--
Yeah, help yourself.
Johnny, you should--
Oh, I need those.
[Johnny blows kiss]
Got you something.
[sighs] [door closes]
He's a sneaky bastard.
Why is he doing this to me?
Because deep down, sugar tits he knows you're a conniving cow.
Oh, and thank you for leaving me high and dry last night.
So, that's it then?
No. No, no, no, no, no. Not at all.
You see this states that everything he gets before the wedding remains his.
Uh, well yeah, it's a prenup. Oaf!
Shh, shh, shh, shh Just-- Shh. What I mean is he's thinking that the money is coming in before the wedding.
I might just have to take another little trip down to accounts to delay the contract by a few days until after the wedding.
[Johnny] Thank you, Johnny. Oh, Johnny, you're so sexy.
Ooo, please, please take me now.
Johnny, Johnny Johnny, Johnny, Johnny.
Something. Something. Ugh, fuck off.
[chilled acoustic music]
Well, I'm going to go out on a limb and declare this the worst stag night ever.
Congratulations, mate. Thank you!
Now, is it just me or are we way past the point where we're supposed to stop doing this?
Little bit longer, pal, it's almost over.
♪ You're the only one ♪
♪ Who brings light Just like the sun... ♪
Hello. - Hello, this is Peter calling for Three Bells Catering.
Just ringing about tomorrow's wedding, you must be excited.
Anyway, I wanted to double check guest numbers, please.
I think he had an updated list somewhere.
Uh, yup, that's four extra confirmed.
Great. One more thing before you go.
♪ My darling you and I ♪
♪ Take over the world ♪
♪ One step at a time, Just you and I ♪
♪ 'Cause, my darling you and I Take over the world ♪
♪ One step at a time, Just you and I ♪
♪ 'Cause you're the only one ♪
♪ Who brings light Just like the sun ♪
♪ One step at a time Just you and I ♪
♪ One step at a time Just you and I ♪
♪ Yeah, one step at a time just you and I ♪
Hiya, which club did you come from?
Who the hell are you? Having a last night of freedom party.
You don't mind, do you?
Well, we are getting married in the morning.
Yeah, but we got strippers tonight.
Hence, last night of freedom.
Well, have fun. I'm staying at my friend's tonight.
You sure? We got kebabs, we got enough for everyone.
I signed the prenup. Happy?
Why wouldn't I be? I'm getting married in the morning.
See you tomorrow.
Well, mate, let's get the party started.
Gonna get my head down, get an early night.
What? But strippers.
The more for me, mate. Come on, girls.
You have this. Where are the kebabs at?
[Young Mark] Everyday you're on my mind, I love the way you laugh.
I promise to always treat you kind, like you're my better half.
I'll keep you close to my heart but you will always be and hope we're never apart.
Forever you and me.
I'm in heaven.
Mate, mate, take a picture. Please.
[church bells chiming]
Is there a bucket nearby? I think-- I think I need to vomit.
Hangover that bad, is it?
It's not good, but Baroness von Strap-on is not helping.
Priest. Can't we do this sitting down?
What you sitting there for, you big lump of shite?
Excuse me, sorry. Joe? [Joe] Hi.
Is it done? [Joe] I've got some bad news, I'm afraid.
There's a delay with the contract.
Some sap forgot to put the correct witness info on.
They've assured me it'll re-signed first thing Monday morning.
Money all cleared into your account Tuesday.
Okay. - Mark, just remember the prenup's not going to cover
- any contract signed after you get married. Thanks.
What's he playing at? Hey, gobshite. Get your ass down and kneel.
Any last minute notes?
[wedding march playing]
Well, all stand up.
[wedding march playing]
Oh, there you are.
You can sit down now.
Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the coming together of Connie and Mark and to celebrate the communion they are about to make.
Is there anyone here present who knows any reason why Connie and Mark cannot be joined in marriage?
Speak now or forever shut your face.
Then we can carry on then, can we?
Please do. Thank you.
Have you got the ring?
Do you, Mark Walwyn, 'wyn, promise to take Connie Nicholson to be a lawful wedded wife, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, better or worse?
[priest] And do you, Connie Nicholson promise to take Mark Walwyn to be a lawful wedded husband, in sickness and in health for richer or poorer, better or worse?
Good, then you may now kiss the-- What?
I said no.
What are doing?
You deserve so much better than me.
I know about the money.
I know, I don't care.
I do love you though.
No, you don't.
Thanks for saying it though.
Sorry about your hair.
I'm sorry about it all.
Why didn't you end it?
I love you.
You're supposed to say "yes".
Baby, baby, he's gonna get away with our money.
It's not our money, it's his money.
Are you insane? Sit down.
Um, what money? Just made 20 million.
[crowd gasps] [Johnny] Fucking hell.
God, can I have a million pounds then?
You can have half.
Buddy, um, can I have half a million too, please?
Johnny, will you shut up. Will you just fuck off.
Take you fucking weasel dick and your little fucking hooker and get out.
It's not really little, and she's not a hooker, that's her.
I'm going to make a move.
Alright, come on, come on. I just need to get out of here.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Am I still getting my money?
No, not a fucking bean.
She's a-- She's an escort. She's an escort!
There's a difference.
[Johnny] Hope you all die!
That's all right.
I get paid either way.
I don't judge, that's God's job, and he don't exist, by the way.
[wedding march playing]
Please don't be too touchy, Kendra.
He seems to be very fond of you.
Do you think-- You can fuck off too.
Cracking wedding, fella.
Yeah. We should do it again some time.
Oh yeah, definitely.
So, when do I get my half million then?
It's alright, I suppose.
Thanks for being so patient.
By the way, what is this invention of yours?
Tim, we've lived together for four years you don't know what I do for a living.
It's an app for airline pilo--
Yeah, no I'm not interested.
Mark, I am a little bit disappointed in you, but if you'd like to date Alexa, we would definitely consider it.
Kendra, I can't take back what I did and it probably doesn't mean a whole lot more to you to tell you there hasn't been a single day where I haven't been filled with regret.
I'm truly so, so sorry for hurting you.
Here, keep yourself dry. Bye, bye.
What's wrong with you?
Nothing just horny.
What? Wonder where he's gone.
You're disgusting. I'm so embarrassed.
Oh, Mark, your wedding present's arrived.
Tim, no! Yes.
How did you afford this? I just popped it on the old credit card.
How long have you hired it for, Tim?
Ach, just three months. Just three months, eh?
Coming out of your half.
Yes, sure. Look after Ducky for me. Ducky!
[car engine revving]
Well, at least Tim isn't going to sleep with both of your parents again.
If I didn't know any better I'd say, you're kind of enjoying this.
[giggles] Maybe. A little.
[Mark] If I'm being honest, all my life I've come across like a lobotomized hamster when it comes to understanding women.
And at the age of 30, having just blossomed into a multi-millionaire I know even less.
So, If you think I'm giving up on that cold-hearted, gold-digging trollop just as she's starting to like me, think again.
There, there. Cry your tiny little eyes out.
That'll make it all better. Yeah.
[blows nose and chokes]
How could she do this to me?
It's like I already told you.
She is a lying, cheating shit.
[coughs and crying]
The best thing you can do, right?
Is to chuck her out and let me and Ducky move back in.
No, I don't want to. [crying]
Well, what are you going to do about her then? Kill her? No.