The Right Kind of Wrong (2013) Script

(TYPING)


I've been writing a blog about how much you suck.

What's it called?

"Why You Suck dot net."

It's a clear title. Are you gonna read it?

Nope. Our friends think it's hilarious.

If you don't read it, I won't just email it with a password to people we know.

I'll make it public. Go nuts, Jules.

Stuff it up your blog.

LEO: Love dies. All of it.

Which is why you should never give your cats names like Snow and Balls.

Because when she leaves... you'll get Balls.

(CAT MEOWING)


JULIE: No one was more surprised than me.

Believe me.

WOMAN: "Why You Suck" has become the template for people asking themselves: is their partner wrong for them?

Tell me about the moment you realized that your husband was that for you.

Well, I sold real estate, so that he could write, and I hated it.

But, you know, I believed in him.

And every day I would climb to the top of this mountain to watch the sunset.

And then, one day, when I was standing up there I realized that I had never done it with him.

He was afraid of heights.

And it was my favorite thing, and we'd never once shared it.

Hmm. Heartbreaking.

Clarity. What does Leo think of all of this?

Oh, he's still never read it. Do you really believe that?

Believe it. JULIE: Yes!

He has this amazing ability to just ignore criticism... which, you know, I admired at first.

And then I came to see it as his worst trait.

What does make him angry? He was the writer.

I have news, Jules, writing a blog does not make you a writer.

Speaking of, you have some news. Yes, I do.

Uh, next month Random House is releasing "Why You Suck," the book.

Congratulations. (KNOCK ON DOOR)

That's amazing.

I know. It's incredible. Did you ever expect?

No. Never in my wildest dreams.

Dad wanted us to come over. We're supposed to say, because "We think you're cool, like an uncle."

(SIGHING)

But we won't lie to you, and tell you: "Don't watch Julie on TV and want to kill yourself again."

I never wanted to kill myself.

(HORSE HOOVES CLOPPING)

Hey, there's a wedding!

GIRL: Wow! They look rich.

We could make fun of their need to display that.

LEO: Ravi and Pia are gifted, which sounds cool, but really, you don't want kids to be too clever.

RAVI: A grown man in pajamas? PIA: I know! It's embarrassing.

Hey, I could teach you to throw. Like you know!

(BOTH GIGGLING)

RAVI: You throw like a g... (SCREAMING)

No, mine!

PIA: Gimme, gimme! RAVI: Get off!

He said I throw like a girl! Well, you are a girl.

Here's how you throw a football!

(GRUNTING)

(ALL GASPING)


LEO: For Ravi, that punt fixed in his mind an ideal of the woman he wanted to marry one day.

Pia, a firm believer in role models, saw the woman she wanted to become.

And me, I just knew...

All right! You guys gotta go home now.

Leo's other worst trait was unrealistic dreams.

Things that would just... take hold of him all of a sudden.

Absurd things. Impossible things.

Things that everyone...

MAN: Colette, Danny... you have given and pledged your promises to each other and have declared your everlasting love by exchanging the rings.

Who you rooting for? Bride or groom? Groom.

I volunteer at his camp for kids.

I also managed his fan-mail when he skied at the Olympics.

Hmm.

MAN: I now pronounce you man and wife.

Shove over. You may kiss the bride.

(AUDIENCE MURMURING) (ORGAN PLAYING)

(APPLAUSE)

It's like a fairy tale! Oh, for Christ's sake.

What the hell is she thinking?!

WOMAN: I thought she was knocked up when she told me they were getting married.

It's just so fast! Four months?

It's a rebellion.

Other kids dream of bucking the stranglehold of middle-class convention. But Colette?

Ah, some little part of her always wanted in.

Oh.

She got in, all right.

(CLINKING)

As his boss, I can tell you that Danny is a terrific attorney.

But as his dad, as his father, I can tell you how proud I am of Camp Awesome Times...

ALL: Aw... the camp he founded for underprivileged kids...

Get to the part where he meets the girl! That's what they came for.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL REACTING)

Ha. No, thanks. Don't smoke. Get paranoid.

Lovely, isn't she?

What makes you think that this, and this... isn't what she really wants?

The roses.

She hates roses. Hates flowers, period.

Except sunflowers.

If I'd seen sunflowers when I came here, maybe I'd believe this.

So why's she doing it? Issues with her mother.

Her dad was this handsome war journalist.

Also her mom's professor. Also a complete shit.

(LEO CHUCKLING) When Colette was 10, her mom stole the money he was hiding from the government and took her to live in a hotel in London.

They biked in Hyde Park, went to the theater...

Not that she remembers those times.

What does she remember?

Sneaking out of the hotel in the middle of the night when the cash ran out.

Ah, she'll never forgive me.

(GLASS CLINKING)

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Troy Cooper.

This is Troy Garnet.

MAN: Troy!

We've been best friends with Danny since junior nationals.

Danny and I made the Olympic team, Garnet didn't.

But, you know, while we got to ski all over the world, you got to hang out in your parents' basement and smoke hash.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Um, what I wanted to get to, what I wanted to say to you, Colette: you are so lucky to be with a man like Danny.

Danny, I love you.


Hi.

Your mom thinks you rushed into this.

Ugh! Mothers.

They're so often right. Not mine.

I'm sorry, who are you?

Leo Palamino. Hi, Leo.

Do you want to get a coffee sometime?

Or a drink?

Dance? Charcuterie plate?

Everyone's big into those these days.

This is my wedding.

We all have baggage.

Sorry.

I got cornered by some guys I haven't seen since Dartmouth.

Hey!

Glad you could make it. Hmm.

Obviously the guest list is a little lopsided.

I blame this lone wolf. He's not your friend?

Never seen him before in my life.

Not true.

Last year you chased me up 17th. I lost you in the alley.

You're the guy. You keyed my car!

Your Hummer. Yes. You had a Hummer?

Just for a few months.

You have to be kind of a dick to drive a Hummer.

And you should not be with a dick.

You should be with me.

(DANNY LAUGHING)

This is a joke, right?

No.

(GRUNTING)

God! Holy shit, that hurt!

DANNY: That guy just hit on my wife!

Garnet, Cooper, stop him!

MAN: Get that guy!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(LEO GROANING)

Whoa. Whoa, whoa.

Ah! The Troys.

I think I'm gonna kick him. Really wail on him, if that's cool.

Dude, I'm a lawyer. I don't think we should kick him.

Danny, come on! We have the moral high ground here.

I feel like you guys just need to make a decision.

Wait, people have pointed this guy out to me.

Wasn't your wife the real estate chick who wrote the blog?

(SIGHING) Ex.

Didn't she get a book deal, too? Bro, that's gotta hurt.

Nothing like he's gonna hurt when I pulverize him. Piece of shit!

Cooper, stop!

He's been kicked enough.

Just get off our property.

(LEO LAUGHS)

I know you miss Snow.

But you gotta get yourself together.

And Balls?

For the first time, I know it's possible.

(BALLS MEOWING)


(SOFTLY GROWLING)

Huh.

(WHISTLING)

(WHISPERING LOUDLY) That guy's wife wrote the blog.

I know. Can you believe he kept doing this dead-end job?

LEO: Julie's blog meant there were no shortage of strongly-felt opinions about my choices.

Usually, I tell them off.

At least for their lame attempt at hushed tones.

But... not today.

'Morning, kitchen.

'Morning, Leo.


Is this some weird calm before the storm... before you really freak out?

Julie's book deal. No. Not gonna freak out.

You wanna know why?

I met someone.

Ah.

That's fantastic! Where?

A wedding. Whose?

Hers.

Don't you have a school to be ridiculed at?

Granted, there are obstacles. But... it's time for a new theme.

I saw him again today.

My bear.

The product of a rare recessive gene.

Two thousand miles from their only habitat.

Beautiful things that seem impossible happen every day.

Heads up!

Good to have you back, man!

LEO: Julie never understood why I don't hate my job.

Dish washing gives results that are immediate.

Lacking in longer-term pursuits, like writing a novel, or pursuing a woman.

(GLASS DINGS)

Oh, my God!

Oh.

Oh, sweetheart, thank you.

I know I said it didn't matter, and it mattered so much to your mom, but I did kind of hate the roses.

These aren't from me. What?

"I hate it when we are apart.

Leo Palamino."

Is he out of his fucking mind!?

MAN: You are... out of your fucking mind!

I love that she doesn't like roses.

They're the attorneys of the flower world, don't you think?

Hey.

Neil's irritable because I won't let him see my paintings for my new show.

No, babe, I'm irritable because my best friend's an idiot, and I just put sunglasses on a marmot.

WOMAN: Oh.

LEO: Neil's Big Horn Books published my book.

The, uh, colossal failure of which meant he had to make money fast.

And so was born the Big Horn Honker, a mix of local news, and heartwarming wildlife trivia.

But mostly a way for local bars to advertise drink specials.

Show him, Neil. No, Jill. Don't encourage it.

You think he's not gonna find her?

Okay.

(SIGHS)

Here you go. She runs that weird tour company.

LEO: I've heard these are actually cool.

Oh! Well, it actually doesn't matter, 'cause she's actually married.

Married-married. So, you know, it hasn't worn off yet.

Leo, punch that man in the throat. I think he ate my husband.

Dude. Oh!

Thanks to a congenital defect, she has three of those.

LEO: Jill and Neil are obsessed with taking disgusting, way too intimate pictures of each other with their phones.

Hey, man, lock up. I have to violate my wife.

Where are you gonna go? In here? Hmm? No.

LEO: To be their friend is to be party to a lot of alarming foreplay for sex you'll never have.

(JILL SQUEALING) (NEIL BLOWING)

They make me believe in love.

Your wife wrote that blog, right?

LEO: There were benefits to my notoriety.

You're a major pop culture reference.

My friends back home won't believe I met you.

A notoriety aided by dollar-a-shot Wednesdays.

(WOMAN SHOUTING)

Of which I am king.

(GIGGLING) My...

My friend won't believe I met you.

Mm-hmm. Your friend back home?

No. My friend over there.

(WOMAN GROANING)

You're aces at that, mate.

Okay. Gotta pee.

I get wicked bladder infections.

LEO: Yes, there are worse ways to mourn the loss of a relationship.

But sex with strangers, even leggy, weirdly vocal ones with a blasé attitude, is an alienating excuse for love.

Especially when you know it's possible again.


Where are we?

I told Mom and Dad we'd pick up their wedding gift today.

(DOG BARKING)

Hey!

I missed you guys! Yeah, come here.

Oh, mwah.

Good to see you.

Why are the dogs here?

Who lives here?

Us.

Your parents bought us a house.

They had a designer furnish it.

Of course, anything you don't like will go.

It's not that. It's all beautiful.

We just can't take it. Why?

Well, I didn't...

We didn't earn it.

Oh, my God. I forgot.

We live in a black-and-white world where things are very simple.

Shut up. I'm serious.

I am too.

And in this simple world, if we didn't earn something by the sweat of our brow, we just... we can't possibly enjoy it.

Though we both know the world is not simple like that.

You know, it was a mistake.

We can give it all back.

You brought these here? Yeah.

I figured if your mom sends you them, they're important.

Even if you are mad at her right now.

You're amazing. You know that?


Leo Palamino!

Yes. Last time I saw you, you were downtown.

Ah, yeah. Between my legs.

Yeah. Shucking my oyster.

You know, I like to keep the disturbing euphemisms to the heat of the moment.

Kinda old-fashioned that way.

(LAUGHING) Yeah. Got it, mate.

But if there was a licensing board for muff-diving...

Could I get a ticket?

(BELL RINGING)

Good afternoon everyone.

WOMAN: Hi.

And welcome to the tour.

Let's get started!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Word is, to get zoning approval for this abomination, the company slipped 600 grand to Councilman Ryan Debrugan last Christmas Eve.

Oh!

Who is that? Councilman Debrugan.

Nice.

(WATER BUBBLING) COLETTE: Hear it?

That river has been flowing over a million years.

It's my favorite natural wonder here, even if you have to lie in a parking lot to hear it.

Just imagine... a river... in total darkness.

(WATER FLOWING)

Now, before I tell you about the bodies found under the floor when the hermit died, any questions? (ALL GASPING)

I'm kidding! He was just a normal hermit.

Built model trains, talked to the animals.

He died holding a picture of a girl he loved in his youth.

WOMAN: Aw...

Uh, but seriously, any questions?

He's got a question.

That's weird. I didn't notice him.

LEO: What gave you the idea for the tours?

I... I moved a lot growing up.

The first thing we'd do in a new place was go to a local bar and get the lowdown.

You don't learn about a place from the brochures.

Life is messy.

And that's its beauty.

(SCOFFING)

He doesn't deserve you.

You know nothing about Danny. Or me.

I know guys like him, you know?

So, he's lucky, so comfy in his own skin.

And he has really good taste.

I mean, who wouldn't with all that fancy, worldly experience?

I mean, this guy, he doesn't just want a hot wife, he wants a hot, interesting wife.

So this is what he does: he ditches his Hummer to impress you.

You are incredibly judgmental.

Ah, sometimes you just know about a person.

You don't know this: that punt that made you notice me because you're so sexist you think it's wild a girl can do that, Danny, the love of my life, taught me that.

Touché.

(SIGHING)

Shall we?

You know, it is kind of sexist, you thinking her kicking a football is cool.

It is cool. JILL: Whoo-hoo!

My wife flies.

That's cool. Eh.

Also she made my ball sack a Twitter account.

(JILL SHOUTING)

Ah, I hate when she dips like that. Leo, you're afraid of heights, not of other people being up high.

Hey, did I tell you? Colette's husband is a friend of Garnet's whose gallery is showing Jill's paintings.

The ones she won't show you? Yeah. And I don't get it, you know?

She always shows me her work first, (PHONE DINGING) Not that Garnet's a bad guy, if you're into rich guys with chiseled good looks who work out.

"Hi, I'm Neil's ball sack."

Oh!

That's just wrong, man.

I don't want your balls on my phone.

If they say wise or hilarious things you do.

(PHONE DINGING)

"It's dark in here and Neil's jeans stink."

(CHORTLING)

COLETTE: He's harmless.

Just annoying.

I've dealt with my share of nuts on the tour.

I just told Kingsley not to sell him any more tickets.

Good. I had Cooper look into him.

He's a failed writer.

He rents a house from a company I do legal for.

To retaliate would be like, um, punching a puppy.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You, Danny Hart, have a good one. You know that?

You ever think of doing anything other than the tour?

What? Like you said, you... you know, you're exposed, to anyone.

You know, now that we're settled you can do anything you want, you could even go back to school.

But I love what I do. I hated school.

I just want you to know you have options, that's all.

Well, so do you. You don't have to be a lawyer.

Point taken.

Why'd you hate school?

Schools.

I'd always just get settled, and then we'd move.

My entire childhood was like being on the... outside of an inside joke.

Well, if you would have come to my school, I would have invited you to the cool kids' table.

What?

I love that you brought these here.

But I've been drinking from these stupid mismatched cups my entire life.

And you have no idea the thrill these give me.

(CAR DOOR SLAMMING)


(PHONE RINGING)

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

She's moving from an Airstream in the woods!

One more reason she's way too interesting to be with that...

Lawyer-Olympian- camp for kids founder?

What are you doing?

Pretending to deliver the Honker while I spy on my wife.

Look at him. Giving her thoughts on her work, sharing a laugh.

I give her feedback. Feedback is our thing.

I'm sure she has her reasons. Oh, yeah, I'm sure she does.

Look at me. I wanted to publish books. Niche work with integrity.

Instead, I publish something more people urinate on than read.

Aw, shit! (HORN HONKING)

They saw us. Great!

Move your bike. Look, try not to act like the dick who crashed his best friend's wedding.

Hi! Hey, babe! Hey, hon.

Hey, here are your Honkers, man. Hi. Okay. Okay. Leo.

Jill.

You look different. Not on your back, whimpering.

Oh, half-of-the-Troys, can we start over?

That is a gorgeous scarf.

I've been looking everywhere for a white silk scarf.

Leo, shut up. Great work.

We'll talk soon. Great.

Thanks for that, Leo, you child. Child? Really?

Uh, recent Tweets from your husband's balls.

"I itch.

Neil won't stop touching me.

Anyone have a good recipe for salmon?

I..."

What's that?

My new theme.

It's what I'm in with Colette.

The key? Seemingly chance encounters where she sees how right we are for each other.

When I met Poojah, she was betrothed to a bricklayer's son cum-Internet millionaire.

So what did you do? Challenged him to a duel.

Jesus. You dueled him?

No. I just love how you believe any crazy shit I say about India.

No, what you need to do is show her something you can do.

Something great, that, uh, no one else can.

What would that be? Heads up.

We've got some new ideas for the tour.

Uh, that woman wrote in again about her racy doll collection and another guy sent in a picture of his penis, with times it'll be available for viewing. That was nice of him.

But this one's actually interesting.

LEO'S BOSS: "To whom it may concern, I am writing to inform you of a unique and wonderful colleague of mine who would make a great attraction on your tour."

(BALLS GRUMBLING)

For sure. It's the Mary Jane.

(KNOCKING)

(SIGHING)

I'm coming. I'm coming!

Know where I can get some schlook? Maybe a white-haired lady?

LEO: "The Slang That Kills." Look it.

The pot is for my cat's arthritis.

You're still a part of an underground economy where bad-ass mofos...

It's slang for dealers. Threaten, even kill.

Mandeep, your kids were at my house this morning harassing me about drugs.

Is that weird? No, no.

They're doing a unit on drugs in school. They're very into it.

How ya doin', Jess?

Living the dream, man. MANDEEP: Leo!

Living the dream. She's here.

(CLANKING)

The view from here is good. Look.

Today's theme is 'orbit.'

(CUPS CLANKING)

(SIGHING)

What the hell? Coming through.

Watch out, watch out. This way, this way, right this way.

Colette! What are you doing here?

Oh, I don't know...

I got this anonymous tip about a dishwasher

"with amazing motor skills and themes."

Themes? It's not standard in a dishwasher.

Unheard of.

Aren't you curious?

Purely from a business point of view.

A demonstration.

If two objects... or people, have a similar mass... uh, metaphorically speaking, humor, originality, true-of-heartness, put them in orbit...

and... (MACHINE WHIRRING) they'll spin, collide, fall...

together.

Useless to resist.

He screams tourist attraction to me.

(GRUNTING)

I got this.

You were charmed.

For a second.

I saw it.

Is there anywhere you won't make a scene?

If it's important, who cares what a bunch of strangers think?

This stems from what?

A snap judgment based on physical attraction to a married woman you don't know?

But then I researched you.

I followed you, I spied on you, I came to your work...

And that snap judgment totally stands!

(PATRONS MURMURING)

(LAUGHTER)

COOPER: Wait! Wait, wait, wait!

There's a section about how he played bass guitar, uh, but refused to actually learn how.

And we... can listen to a clip.

(BASS GUITAR PLAYING)

Wow!

Oh my God! That would drive me insane. Yeah.

Wait. "Horny In Inappropriate Places." That looks funny.

"Places that make my husband horny...

My nephew's baptism." Of course.

"The dealership where we refinanced our Toyota.

My aunt's funeral." Ew. Sick.

Yeah, that's totally sick. That's seriously messed up.

Keep going.

"His childish refusal to keep his mouth shut and not make a scene."

Wow. Knopf wanted to publish his book.

Really?

"And not only did my husband refuse to make the changes to his book the largest publisher in America wanted after a generous advance, he flew to New York, gave the president of the division the finger and stormed out.

He published the book locally. Refused to make a single change.

And it died."

Well, I feel for the guy. Not everyone can be Hemingway.

He wasted his life refusing to accept that.

I'll get more wine.

Showing Colette the blog backfired.

What do you mean? It did. Trust me.

(THUDDING) (MAN GRUNTING)

That's twice now, you little shit!

Sorry, Mr. Scott!

Totally an accident! You owe me 50 bucks, bro.

You're a fine role model, Coop.

And golf club manager.

My management style's unorthodox.

What's my dad gonna do?

Fire you again?

Anyhow, as I've been saying all along, what Leo Palamino needs is a shit-kicking.

(BALL THUDDING)

No, Coop.

I will not concede the moral high ground to this asshole.

We are adults and adults do not shit-kick.

That's exactly it.

LEO: There it was.

In the very window where I'd fantasized, for years, about having my book.

One final symbolic kick in the nuts.

Not that I let it bother me.

(SHOUTING)

That hurt, you little peckers!

You just got popped, old man.

And to teach you a lesson not to chase another man's wife, we're gonna stomp you, too.

(CHUCKLING) Okay.

Okay. 'Cause I don't fight kids.

Especially nice kids.

Who are gonna grow up to do amazing things.

Is that sarcasm?

Yeah.

The way you're blindly following this dip-shit, I see remedial classes and meth mouth.

(GROANING)

(TRAIN HORN)

(GASPING)

Snow...

Hey...

What are you doing?

What are you doing here?

I miss you so much.

That is my cat! Get your vagrant hands off her!

Hey!

I raised that cat. That's my and Julie's cat!

My God, it is you.

You look rough.

Julie gave Snow to me before she moved to Malibu.

(SLIDING DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING)

(GROANING)

NEIL: All right, this has to stop!

'Cause you just got... you just got whooped by an army of children.

You are so wrong.

When I fought for Poojah, it got messy, but it was all worth it.

Even... after she died.

Hey, don't look like that!

It makes me happy to talk about her.

She's still with me.

In Ravi and Pia.

Having her was worth losing her.

Sometimes you just know.

I love you, Mandeep!

(CHEERING)

I can't believe Julie broke your guitar.

She didn't. It got stolen.

Nah! No.

It's on the blog. She broke it, then put it in a dumpster behind Jamba Juice.

Yeah. Ah!

I loved that guitar!

(CHEERING)

She's a horrible woman.

But I love you guys.

Oh.

What? What? What's up?

Tell him! No!

Okay! All right, okay. There's a section on the blog where Julie talks about all the dumb stuff you did when you were drunk.

Like on your honeymoon in Paris, when you pooped yourself.

I had heat stroke!

But it was mostly just how you get emotional all the time and say I love you.

Usually to Neil and I.

So someone started a drinking game.

How's it work? It's very simple. They go into a pub.

If you're in the pub, you're drinking, and you say, "I love you," then they drink.

Leo, no. Come on. No, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no! No.

You're assholes! You know that?

But I love you.

(GRUMBLING)

(SIGHING)

(ITEMS FALLING)

(PHONE RINGING)

ANSWERING MACHINE: It's Julie. Leave a message.

(BEEPING)

I saw Snow.

I let you take her in case you got lonely out there.

You know, I mistakenly thought you had some...

God! Tiny bit of heart left.

And they were a couple!

And you, you punished them for our mistakes.

And you, uh...

You're just a nasty person.

(CRASHING)

Sean Cooper's telling everyone he and his friends beat up Leo.

Maybe someone needs to convince them he's a badass mofo.

(BELL RINGING)

Do you smell curry?

You beat up Leo Palamino.

You should know who he is. Yeah?

Who is he? Our dealer.

You name it. Baby Bhang. Lumber. Bambalacha.

We blow a stick of moocah with him all the time.

He has a greenhouse in his house where he grows it.

You don't mess with someone whose been booting the gong.

They can overreact.

He didn't react at all last night. Spring the giggle, your reflexes get slow. But he'll hit you back. Trust me.

I'm gonna blow the roof off a Colorado cocktail before social studies.

Spark it up, but don't Bogart it.

What was that?

Kingsley!

I told you not to sell him any more tickets, Kingsley!

You're my front line of defense against this idiot!

I know. But he got beat up.

Also, I slept with him last year.

Sol might be a sort of compromised front line of defense.

Great at oral.

Didn't ask. But you wanted to.

And I'm not talking about a little booty kiss to say "I'm a giver, let's ball."

Thanks for calling me, Cooper.

I thought you'd want to see him.

You look rough, pal.

I've never seen anything like it.

Is he a polar bear? No. A ghost bear.

A black bear with a rare recessive gene.

They survived only because the Kitasoo Indians in the Great Bear rainforest, the only place in the world they live, think they're magic.

So they protect them.

He's a long way from home.

That bear... is proof of the impossible.

A moment? That's right.

Couched in wildlife trivia and a rare animal sighting.

You know, I've pitied him long enough.

Finally. Let's have some fun!

What does he have we can take?

Therein lies the problem.

Didn't you say you represent the management company who owns his house?

Yeah, but to evict, you gotta give him 60 days unless he's broken the lease.

Hey!

Hey, Sean. Hey, what's up, bro?

You didn't tell me he's a drug dealer, dick!

What? These dorks at school told me.

He even has a greenhouse.

You don't say.

(KNOCKING)

Officer. Prettier of the Troys.

Fuck you, dishwasher.

Mr. Palamino, do you have marijuana on the premises?

Uh, one plant. For my cat's arthritis.

Is this a joke to you? No, it helps him a lot.

Right, Balls? Your cat's name is Balls?

With arthritis, shouldn't that be swollen Balls?

Yeah, joint pain, hilarious.

I don't know what this is, but I don't want to be a part of it.

Just lose the plant.

I probably won't. Just being honest.

And I probably won't give a shit.

(LAUGHING)

You sure got me. Yeah. Actually, I did.

You admitted to an officer of the law to drugs on the premises.

That's a violation of your lease.

Which gives you 24 hours to vacate, asshole.

Have a great day.

You sure there's enough room?

Room? There's lots of room! Pia wants you to have her bed.

Stay as long as you like.

Okay.

So. Hey, man.

This is just going to be for a couple nights. Okay?

At least you don't have to worry about getting beat up anymore.

Why's that?

Because we told them you were a drug dealer.

Thanks, Ravi.


During Prohibition, that river bank was the drop-off for black market whiskey.

LEO: Excuse me. Excuse me.

Why'd you steal the newspaper?

(LAUGHS)

I took pity on you and let you come on the tour. Don't wear it out.

Your little 'fuck you' to the man? I forgot to pay.

Like you do every day?

Change of plans, folks.

Behind me you'll see a set of stairs.

There's a view up there that is well worth the climb.

What about him? He's afraid of heights.

Pathetic, isn't it?

There's a hilarious chapter about it in a book I'm reading.

LEO: "In my early twenties, I thought Leo's blanket distrust of anyone with authority was the mark of an original mind."

Okay. "I thought his strongly held views, always firmly on the side of the underdog, were the expression of something pure and true.

Then I came to see that, more often than not, Leo's muddled politics... were expressed in drunken rants about sport hunters, the Christian Right and wars he knew little to nothing about."

Hey, how 'bout we take a break from the out-loud reading?

Did you really make her have sex at her aunt's funeral?

I did not make her...

Why do you... She didn't even like that aunt.

You guys don't understand what it's like to read a person's thoughts, so well-organized in chapters with witty asides... as she falls out of love with you.

You know the worst part?

Colette.

She read it all, too.

(GRUNTING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

His wife has written the book...

(SIGHING)

Your hushed tone?

I'd bring it down a few decibels.

And yes, I'm him.

Yes, I make snap judgments.

Yes, I walked from a publishing deal.

Yes, one very humid day after way too much sangria, I shit myself in Paris!

What?

Hey, man. Heads up!


What are you doing?

Same as you. Staring at my daughter's huge house.

She won't return my calls.

Hey, you know, somewhere in my back seat I think I have a $300 bottle of scotch.

I told Colette I thought what you did at the wedding was romantic.

And that's why she's not talking to me.

I'm afraid I've made her fear the romantic, unlikely dreamers.

With your crazy grand gestures.

A terrible thing in life to avoid completely.

I'm glad you weighed in. No, I shouldn't have.

Yeah. What you did was obnoxious, selfish, superficial as hell.

But it took balls.

And I was high at a very dull party.

What do you have against Danny?

It's not what I have against him. No.

My point was, wait.

You don't know a person's character until the chips are down.

And I'm pretty sure the chips have never really been down for Danny.

And what the hell kind of a name for a camp is 'Awesome Times'?

Awesome Times. A little on point, perhaps?

Well, if I were 20 years younger, and not in a committed polyamorous relationship with some people in Anchorage, I would... I'd fuck ya.

That is the nicest thing the mother of anyone I've loved has ever said.

And you're really giving up on my daughter?

Just because she read a bestseller your ex wrote?

You would understand if someone wrote one about everything wrong with you.

And it was funny. And well-observed.

My ex-husband, the asshole who broke my heart, no, eviscerated my heart, when he was in the field reporting on some African dictator, he would focus on proving just one of the dictator's claims wrong.

Because if you can disprove one thing a person in power says, people will question everything else they say.

Just a thought.

I'm gonna do that.

You have a crippling fear of heights. You can't even watch my wife do it.

That's the point, my little friend. Transcend that.

I will blow Julie's book, blog...

It's a multi-platform phenomenon, is what it is.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That's a publishing term. I will prove it wrong.

For Colette. And for me.

I just have to condition myself to altitude.

A-ha! Ha-ha!

Ooh. (WHIMPERING)

I think this is totally gonna work.


(WHIMPERING)

MAN ON TV: The idea behind hang gliding is simple.

A shift of the center of gravity to one side, that wing drops and a turn that way.

For the landing, push out.

That stalls the kite and you're down.


JILL: You're just gonna do a quick run.

I have to be at the gallery by four.

Garnet's sneaking out of a fundraiser for Danny Hart's camp to look at a painting I'm stalled on.

Well! Isn't that nice of him.

The fundraiser's a big deal, so it is nice of him.

Let's go! I gotta go.

Let's do this! Okay.

Are you good? Are you good? Yeah, we're good.

Easy. Are we gonna run now?

Hey, how are ya? Fine.

Heads up. Whoa!

Paint, draw, glue stuff, I don't care.

This is not a class.

What are you painting?

I call it Knight Fight.

You must have been a real dork in school, huh?

You have no idea.

Kids...

My manipulative mother, who thinks I won't be able to ignore her in front of you, who is wrong.

You're disturbing them.

And on their special day.

Now that's manipulative.

That's how you do it.

Okay. Let's, let's make stuff, guys.

I was... I was out of line at your wedding and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

And I miss you.

And I gave birth to you, so you owe me.

You drive all night?

Yeah.

Okay. Let's put it behind us.

Yeah.

Oh! Let's have an awesome time!

Was that facetious?

Of course not.

(SCOFFING)

NEIL: You know, you can back out, dude.

We'll never judge you for it. No.

I have to do this.

Where's this fundraiser?

Oh, it's at the Hart Ranch. Good to go.

No. Don't you even think it. Leo!

Leo! No, Leo! No!

No, no, no, no. No! Don't, Leo! Stop!

No, no! No, no, no!

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)


(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Can I borrow these?

Holy shit! Danny?

It's the dishwasher!

Holy shit!

Jesus Christ!

Isn't he afraid of heights?

(SHOUTING)

Ooh. (LEO SHOUTING)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)


(SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

(SNIFFING)

Oh, my God!

Hey.

The only good thing about this place is the Jell-O.

And the Percodan. I'll get you some more.

Percodan? Jell-O.

You want a bite? I'm good.

Sorry I broke the Troys.

(SIGHING)

Jesus.

Look at you.

Why the hell did you do it?

To show you that one thing Julie said isn't true.

That I could get over my fear of heights.

A fear which is very much back, by the way.

You know, I...

I hate that you read all those things she wrote.

Some things she calls wrong don't seem wrong to me.

I don't think you were wrong to walk from a publishing deal because you didn't agree with their changes.

God, I wish I could be that sure of myself.

Why do you steal newspapers?

Your ex would say that it's a... a product of futile antiestablishment urges.

Me, flailing at corporate America.

But their coffee is so expensive.

And the way they double-cup? It's so wasteful.

So every day I steal a dollar.

My little 'fuck you' to the man.

But this isn't gonna end how you want it to.

Good bye, Leo.

(SIGHING)

LEO: Writing, and the pursuit of a woman, like any impossible dream, are not about immediate results.

They're about telling the truth, no matter how absurd or embarrassing, or what injuries you sustain.

And hoping like hell she'll hear you.

(LAUGHING)

He's... he's awful.

Does he do that thing where he just talks and talks...

Hey, Debrugan!

Sometimes a prick is a prick, and it needs to be said.

At a brunch? In front of an entire restaurant?

Not everything is an opportunity to take a stand.

What is one? For you?

I mean, between all the back slapping and the 'hey man', who'd have the time?

Sorry I don't occupy the special place of moral purity from which to cast my pious judgments, better known as a dish pit.

(LAUGHING)

What... what the hell does this have to do with him?

Because it's what you're thinking.

We need to talk.

(DISHES CLANKING)

Your pal in there, Mandeep.

My firm did the paperwork for this place when they wanted a guest worker visa to bring in a cook.

Okay. What I've done has nothing to do with him.

It's so sad.

These poor bastards.

They get told by these recruiting agencies to come, work an entry-level job and get a work permit.

But it's all bullshit.

And you can be damn sure they're not gonna get one if they're too scared to contact Immigration when those visas ran out.

Two years ago.

If you ever say another single word to my wife, your friend and his kids are going back to whatever shithole in Bangalore they came from.

Comprende, dishwasher?


You okay?

Hmm? Yeah. Fine.


(SHOUTING)

(SIGHING)

(BALLS GRUMBLING)

What do you think, buddy?

What else can life take from us?

(BALLS GRUMBLING, RUSTLING)

(SIGHING)

What are you doing here?

I have a few days off the book tour.

I thought I'd bring Snow home.

Snow? You're right about the cats, Leo.

They should be together.

(LAUGHING) Oh,

Always had shitty timing, Jules.

(JULIE SIGHING)

I wonder if I hadn't separated them if the bear would have got him?

Probably not.

Snow's a scrapper.

Aren't you, old girl?

(GRUMBLING)

Yeah.

I read your book.

Really? I can't believe you broke my guitar.

I can't believe you couldn't learn one song.

Sure, they're hanging her paintings.

And you know what they're also doing?

They're laughing at inside jokes, and developing a shorthand.

Screw it. I'm going in!

Neil, you have nothing to worry about. Neil!

Neil, Neil, Neil! Nothing good will come from you going in there. Trust me!

Said by a man who listens to no one. You're right.

Said by a man who should start.

You were right.

I should have trusted you.

About my book.

You're a good editor. I wore you down.

I let you down.

I dug in my heels instead of listening to your suggestions.

Which were good.

All right, well, you couldn't see it at the time. That's okay.

But you did.

You had faith in me, man.

I should have had faith in you back.

To listen. And Julie was right, it's my worst flaw.

Which I will work on.

If you have faith in me on this and do not go in there.

Okay. Okay?

Hey!

Can I talk to you for a minute?

How's Leo?

He's fine. Good.

Can you say hi to him for me?

He sleeps in our room, so yeah, we could probably hook that up.

Thanks, guys.

Hey, Colette! Wait up! Colette! Hold on! Wait!

You need to know something.

(DOOR OPENING)

Hey, babe.

I know what you threatened Leo with.

I knew he'd play this for sympathy.

No, he honored your deal.

He didn't tell me anything.

You've never been on the outside of anything, have you?

(SCOFFING)

When you noticed me, Danny, you cast a warmth on me I'd never felt before.

And those first months were perfect.

What do you mean, 'were?'

I mean I think I spent so long thinking there was something wrong with me because I was never on the inside... that I never thought about what being there... always being there, does to a person.

Being where? Safe. Perfectly safe.

Surrounded by your boys and your history here and your father's reputation.

Okay, I am the one wronged here! Yes. You were.

So I took a stand against this asshole. A stand?

Danny, taking a stand has to hurt. Or make you look like a fool or...

What you did was easy.

And that is not a stand.

I don't belong here... and we both know it.

All right.

This isn't happening. No, not about him.

I'm not gonna run into his arms, if that's what you mean.

But it is about him.

About all that he is that makes what you're not so clear.

What, a loser?

A guy who scrubs pots for a living?

A guy whose own wife couldn't stand him? Hmm?

We're all wrong for someone, Danny.

Oh, shit.

LEO: Jill had used those way-too-intimate pictures of Neil on her phone for something more... profound than foreplay.

(CHUCKLING) You are a fine piece of art.

You can't consult your muse. They are amazing.

And I am an idiot.

You really are, an idiot.

Who inspires me every day.

Leo. Julie.

Uh, this is Chad. Leo. Hey, Chad.

Hon, can you just give us a minute? Okay.

Did you ever think we'd be standing in a room full of vaguely abstracted images of Neil's junk?

(LAUGHING)

Is it so surprising, though?

There's always been something seriously wrong with them.

Exactly.

You know, the right kind of wrong, for each other.

It's kind of what we weren't.

You're a good writer, Jules.

Thank you.

From you that means a lot.

And I should've climbed mountains for you.

I did a lot wrong, too.

Maybe I didn't stress that enough in the blog.

Or the book.

I'll try in the movie.

Oh, there's gonna be a movie? Yeah. Cool, huh?

Mmm. And speaking of, I actually have an idea about those copies of your novel, I...

COLETTE: Hey!

Do you know that woman?

Uh, what were you saying? About my novel?

Hi. Julie. I'm Colette.

It's a great book.

Total load of crap, but funny.

Thank you.

I'll, um, I'll leave you two.

I'm sorry, Colette.

I, um, shouldn't have pursued you so shamelessly.

I don't...

I don't even know you.

Really? I have to go.

So... I left Danny.

And if Mandeep gets a call from Immigration, he knows I'll take half the house in the divorce.

Danny... loves that house.

Do you know what got me?

It wasn't your willingness to humiliate yourself... or all the injuries.

It was that after all that, you would walk away.

There's something in you, some hard, good little kernel of something.

Corn?

It's the only thing I know that comes in kernels.

Dude, there is nothing good about corn.

Only the Mayans knew how to digest that shit. But you?

You try telling Monsanto that in threatening letters, they will send dudes to your house.

Have you been drinking? Since three.

Do you want to go find an inappropriate place to make out?

(DOOR CLOSING)

Ah. Where were you last night?

(CHUCKLING)

Come here!

Thank you. Thank you.

What if she's your Poojah? Yeah.

What are you talking about? You made sweet love to her?

Well, I wouldn't say that.


Are you sure we should be doing this?

You're really drunk. Shut up.

You're really drunk. Shut up!

LEO: Okay. COLETTE: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

We talked. It was nice.

Colette!

I don't know why you're... No, no!

Thanks to you, I am gonna be 30, man!

It's a great age! I'm gonna be divorced.

My God! My cups are never gonna match again!

(GRUNTING)

God! Do you think you should keep drinking?

(GLASS SHATTERING)

You okay?

(DUCKS QUACKING) (KNOCKS ON DOOR)

(DOOR OPENS)

They're lovely. Thanks.

And I'm a really bad drinker.

A little aggressive, maybe.

I've been to Paris. I haven't, actually.

My mom sent it to me.

Oh, yeah.

You have been there.

Oh.

I had heatstroke.

I'm not the best drinker, either.

For you.

That's really sweet.

For you.

Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry about last night.

Bruises heal.

Leo, I left Danny because of you.

Not for you.

Isn't that kind of the same thing?

I went to the art gallery because I wanted to tell you how noble I thought you were when he wasn't.

But what happened after...

It's been a tough time, and I think I just needed to blow off a little steam.

I'm so sorry.

No, it's... I get it.

Yeah, we've all done it.

But next time you try to lose yourself in some trauma-inducing sexual encounter, just make sure the guy isn't in love with you.

See you around, Colette.

(BOTH CHATTERING)

LEO: That summer, three seemingly impossible, beautiful things happened.

(ANIMAL GRUMBLING)

The first...

Balls came out of the woods, healthier than ever.

JULIE ON TV: which is what I want.

LEO: The second impossible thing began with Julie's rounds on the talk shows to promote Why You Suck, the movie.

Leo was the most stubborn guy. And a terrible guitar player.

But the novel he wrote, "Sex and Sunsets", muddled, but intriguing.

"Sex and Sunsets?"

Interesting.

Really? All of them?

Yeah. Amazon ordered way more than we had. Julie was right.

Her just mentioning it made it sell.

We're going into a second printing!

The third impossible thing being the death of the Big Horn Honker.

Writing and the pursuit of a woman are never about immediate results.

COLETTE READING: What they are about is telling the truth.

And hoping like hell she'll hear you.

LEO: I'd like to think I've evolved.

But I'll always say, some snap judgments are true.

Because you have to be a dick to drive a Hummer.

(TIRES SCREECHING)


LEO: Hey.

You're really out of breath. Just getting some exercise.

What are you doing here?

There was a white bear spotted on a trail north of town.

And I wondered if you wanted to look for him with me.

I know a trail that should get us there without too bad a climb.

I know it's inappropriate...

but I want you, Leo Palamino.

Right here.

Come on! Stay with me. BOY: Nice view.

Oh.

The beauty of nature will surprise you if you look and listen.

Nature's great! Awesome.

(GIGGLING, CHATTER)

That really is awesome.