The Rocker (2008) Script

Ah, look at you, Cleveland!

Put your hands together for this one.


What say?


From the top!


Yeah!

Thank you.

We love you, Cleveland! Whoo!

Dudes! Yeah! Yeah!

Do you have any idea how rare that is? That kind of energy... coming off the crowd and feeding us?

And us feeding it right back to them? That is what it's all about, my brothers.

We are gonna be huge!

More importantly, how were my moves? Those moves.

I got the best seat in the house between the guitar and bass... and you rocked. Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, now, that was classic Vesuvius. Billy.

Nice show. Whoo!

Hey, what did the label say? Let's start with some beers first.

Those are on me, and those are imported.

Imported. Sounds like good news, right? Or bad.

Be right back. More like awesome news.

Matchbook Records just offered us an awesome contract... and it is awesome.

We're gonna be rich! I'm gonna get a Fiero.

I'm so happy. I'm so happy.

There's just one hitch.

They want you to replace Fish.

President of the label wants his nephew in the band.

Fish is the heart and soul of this band. We've been together since high school.

He came up with the name Vesuvius. Yeah, he's great.

Guys, they're gonna put money behind you. That means videos, touring...

No. Forget it, Billy.

We're not gonna sell him out because some rich kid... wants to play rock star. Forget it. All right.

I'm calling the head of the label now. Tell him where he can stick his nephew.

Oh, there was talk of you guys opening for Whitesnake... but sometimes opportunity knocks twice, right?

Whitesnake, man. Dude, I love that band.

I mean, think about it. Fish will land on his feet, right?

Like I said, he's a great drummer.

Right. He's gonna be fine.

Billy, hang up that phone.


You traitors!

Start the van, man. He's coming!

We lost him.

I don't think that went too well. What a baby.

We did it, guys. All right. We totally did it.

That was kind of awesome! It's gonna be all right.

I think we lost him.

That's definitely gonna be in a book about us.

He didn't fit.

After all we've been through? And you sell me out just like that?

Oh, my God. He was like a jet plane.

So fast. Fast runner.

Definitely a fast runner. I didn't know how fast he was!

I was going 60.

He ran like a gazelle, right? I was gonna say that.

Like, his stride was really big. Yeah, really big.

Like he'd lived with animals or something, in the woods.

And he, like, mimicked their... Aah!

Jesus, man, keep going!

Oh, my...

We gotta shake him loose, man!

I will drag you down to hell with me. I will eat your souls.

Hit the brakes, man!

Oh, my God, Kerr. You killed him.

You killed him.

He deserved it, man.

He's dead.

He can't be killed.

Dude, he can't be killed. He can't be killed.

Back it up, back it up.

He's a zombie!

I don't need you!

I'm gonna be 10 times bigger than you! No!

A billion times bigger than you! No!

Eleventy billion, trillion... vermillion times bigger than you!

Jeez, this would be a great album if I could ever listen to it.

New Vesuvius, fellas.

Waited in line two hours last night to get it. Supposed to be amazing.

Everybody thought they peaked when their sixth album went platinum... but then they came back... and blew the doors off with Devil's Nursery.

Devil's Nursery rocks. Look at those faces.

It's the etchings of time, man. These guys have really lived, you know?

Yeah, I know.

Oh, you a fan? I mean, how could you not be, right?

I don't really listen to heavy-metal music.

Oh, dude, you gotta hear this. No, I don't.

No, seriously, if you've never heard... Seriously, I'm not interested.

Trust me. One track, you're gonna be hooked for life.

Zammit's Metal Racking. Hello, Zammit's Metal Racking. What?

You wanna hear the new Vesuvius?

Yeah. It's sweet, huh?

I'll burn you a copy.

Can you hold, please?


Do not tell me that this was about them.

Well, as it happens, by coincidence, it was the new album... by Vesuvius.

Damn it, Rob. Which is terrible, by the way.

Totally overproduced. Really? Okay, look. Rob.

I know that we've been through this a whole bunch... and I know you think you're getting past it... but this is not getting past it. It has been 20 years. Let it go.

I have let it go... and the universe keeps shoving Vesuvius back in my face.

Look, guppy, I don't think I can do this anymore.

This just isn't working for me. I'm sorry. I think it's time...

I break up with you. What?

I break up with you. l... No.

No! Yes.

What? What were you gonna say?

I interrupted you. You just said what I was gonna say.

I am breaking up with you, so quiet.

I am fantastic. You don't break up with me.

I'm gonna have to ask you to pack your things and leave.

This is my apartment.


This is gonna be great.

A fresh start, you know, get my life back on track.

That's the attitude, Robert. Thanks, sis.

So you'll be on your feet... and out of this house in what, about a week?

Lisa, come on. Give the guy a break. Thank you, Stan.

Talk about your missed opportunity. Imagine if he was still in Vesuvius.

My brother-in-law in Vesuvius.

Know what our lives would be like?

I'd be wearing silk underwear right now.

It's like winning the lottery... and having the lottery ticket ripped up in front of your face.

Thank you, Stan.

Thought we weren't supposed to use the V-word in front of Uncle Rob.

He can take it.

So have you heard? Matt got into MIT.

Oh. That's my boy.

That makes sense. Last time I saw you, you were building a robot.

How'd that ever work out?

That was eight years ago, when I was 10.

Do you have a girlfriend? Ha!

Maybe you want to take a can of shut up.

Matt is also in a band, playing the prom.

The only way he'd ever get to go. Hey.

I swear if you don't stop annoying me, I'm gonna shave your head in your sleep.

I'd still be the pretty child.

Matt. Violet, Matt, stop it.

A band, huh? So, what do you call yourselves?

A.D.D.

Add? Huh.

Well, it's short. What?

Easy to remember.

No. It's A.D.D., as in attention deficit disorder.

Oh, good, you changed it, because "Add" really blew.

Robby, you know I love you... but letting you stay here isn't gonna solve your problems.

Of course. Just ditch me, like everyone else has.

It's called tough love, kid.

But what about the sweet love, where you say, " Hey... stay as long as you want, and here's some cash so you can fix your car."

In your dreams, pal. Sis, come on.

I'm feeling really good about the future, you know?

Like all of this is... Ah!

Robert?

Where is Jeremy? I swear, I am gonna kill him when he shows up.

Here he comes, with his mom.

Hi, Jeremy. Hi, Jeremy's Mom.

Hey, guys. So I kind of got suspended from school today... and I can't play prom.

Wait. What? Tell them what you did, Jeremy.

I kind of brought hash brownies to the Spanish Club luncheon.

Not bueno. And?

And Señorita Horowitz kind of got really stoned... and passed out in the locker room.

And?

And somebody kind of drew a, uh...

A penis.

A penis on a grown woman's face.

And now he can't walk during graduation.

Every mother's dream. Let's go, Jeremy.

See you guys. Rock hard.

A penis.

Prom is in two days. Not for us, it's not.

You know what?

Blessing in disguise.

Who wants to play some crappy school dance anyway?

I do. And so do you.

Whatever. I could ask my uncle.

I don't think we're that desperate. He was an original member of Vesuvius.

I bet he can still play. Yeah, but he's ancient.

Let's start looking for a new drummer.

Yeah, so am I in?


Hey, wh... Sorry, Uncle Rob. Were we too loud?

"Too loud" is not in my vocabulary. How dare you?

Excuse me? How dare you call yourself a musician?

Loads of bands use drum loops.

Loads of elevators play Celine Dion. That don't make it right.

Now get your devil box out of here.

Move it, Moby Dick.

Go.

My work here is done.

That's your uncle. That's my uncle.

We've kind of exhausted all our other options, so...

I don't have any better ideas. Okay, fine. Go talk to him.

Hey, Uncle Rob, can I talk to you?

I will not buy beer for you and your friends... nor rent you my password to porn sites.

Rent...? No, no. I was...

I was actually just wondering if you'd play with us at our prom gig.

What did you just say?

I was wondering if you'd play the drums with us, just for one night.

Absolutely not.

I haven't played the drums in 20 years. Drumming is pain... and I've had more than enough pain for one lifetime.

Look.

Come... Just meet me up here.

We need a drummer, okay? And you play the drums.

You've been a pretty terrible uncle over the years.

Yeah, you only come by when you need something from my mom.

You never remember my birthday. You called me Max until I was 11.

Okay, what's your point, Matt?

This is...

This is really, really important to me.

I'm not what you would call a social butterfly.

You know?

Playing this gig... is probably the closest I'm ever gonna get to... breaking the ice with, you know, the ladies.

You're looking to score. I can respect that.

Anyway, if you really are my uncle... my family... you will do this one thing for me.

Matt, where is he? He said he would be here.

He doesn't know the songs, and I thought he'd be here early.

He said he didn't need to, he could play with us in his sleep.

He said he feeds on God juice and miracles spring forth.

Never fear, niños. Got our laminates. All access. Drives the chicks wild.

Hey, are you ready? We're on in five minutes.

Five minutes? What? We're headlining. We shouldn't go on till 11.

It's the prom. It's over at 11.

Wait. So we're on in five minutes? Seriously, five minutes?

Okay.

Wow. That's... Five minutes. Eye of the tiger.

Bang a gong, get it on. Bang a gong.

Get it on, all night long, bang a gong, get it on. Rock me, Amadeus.

Oh!

I'm gonna be so sick. A little pre-show ritual.

Did you just...? Lucky charm.

Some people carry a rabbit's foot, I rock a pocket of puke.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, A.D.D.

Follow my lead.

One, two, three.


A.D. D, ladies and gentlemen. A.D.D.

Now it's time for your prom king and queen's first dance.


Stop. Stop.

Woo-hoo! Rock and roll. Thank you, Cleveland!

Yeah! What a show! Come on. Mattie, chest bump.

Here we go. How awesomely sweet was that?

Oh, yeah, if by awesomely sweet, you mean a horrific train wreck... we will never live down, then, yeah, it was super awesomely sweet.

It was like that scene in Titanic. You know, the one where they all die.

What? We rocked the balls off that place!

You are delusional. You got that right, sourpuss.

You know what else? A.D.D. just landed itself a new bricklaying drummer... and his name is Fish.

Dude. Wake up.

You just ruined that show and you're never playing with this band again.

Thanks.


Hello. Hello.

Is Curtis at home? Who is asking?

Robert. Fishman.

My friends call me Fish. Fish.

I'm the drummer in the band from the...

From the prom.

Oh.

Oh, you're serious. Oh, wow. Okay, I'm sorry.

Curtis said that the drummer was older. I just... I figured college.

So and you're his older sister? That's very flattering. No, I'm his mom.

No, you're not. Seriously, you're not.

What is your name?

Well, usually, Curtis's little friends call me Ms. Powell.

Ms. Powell? Mm-hm.

There's the cutest little jazz club...

You know, I'm sorry. I just don't date my son's friends.

You know? It's just icky.

Right. Yeah. Kids are in the back.

Uh, Curtis? Honey? Your play date's here.

So sweetie, what time is your mom picking you up?

You're hysterical.

You have no idea. I'll see you guys.

If it isn't the one-man band.

Okay.

Look.

I haven't played in front of an audience in 20 years... and so maybe, possibly...

I got a little carried away and out of control, and I'm sorry.

But I can make it up to you. What if I told you...

I could get us a gig? I'd say you're full of shit.

Oh, whoa. Curtis, 1991 called. They want their teenage angst back.

Oh, my God, they just called again. They want that joke back.

Hang on. A gig? Like when U2 plays and everybody's like:

"Yeah, U2! I love you."

Yes. These songs need to be heard, man. Seriously!

Who writes these songs, anyway?

I do. Abandonment issues.

Daddy bailed when he was 4, so...

Well, there's a crazy mojo working with Mr. Dark and Broody there... and me likey.

So what do you say we lay down tracks... with Uncle Fish at the kit, and let me run with it?

All right, band meeting. Okay. Huddle up.

No, just us three. The band.

Yeah. I'll be in my office.

Okay, perhaps last night he was a bit ostentatious... with his performance style, but you can't deny the fact that he's got chops.

No way, man. I told him he's out. You can't deny it.

All right, you guys. Let's just think about it like this.

It might be kind of cool... you know, if he were in the band. We'd have it all:

The magnetic but tormented lead singer... the awkward, neurotic, super-nerd... That's me. That's me.

The kind of ironic, postmodern you know, punk girl... and the ancient crazy-faces-making rocker.

You can't tell me you've seen anything like that.

For good reason. This isn't a joke to me. You think it is to us?

What have we got to lose?

All right. If he delivers a gig, I'll give him a chance.

Woo-hoo! Yes.

Hello, Concrete Jungle?

Galardy's Bar & Grill.

Oh, hi. Is this the Hi-Fi Club? I played there in 1985 with Vesuvius.

I am with the band A.D.D. I have a demo.

I have a new band. It's called A... Hello?

We have not yet rocked Akron.

Yes, do you have auditions? Thank you.

Thank you. You're closed?

Okay. I'll try back.

Oh, what are you doing here?

I'm working on a song.

Oh, uh-oh. Look out, everybody. Genius at work.

Lennon and McCartney rolled into one.

I'd like to get back to work. How many songs in that book?

Probably 211.

Wow.

That's like 500 albums.

I was never so much of a songwriter. More of a name-the-band kind of guy.

Different skill set. Still important. Can I look at what you are writing?

Dude, we are a band, okay? Bands share everything.

Deodorant. Buses. Chicks. I'd just rather not.

We're like a family. No.

I'll be gentle.

Okay.

These are some great lyrics. Thank you.

"Tomorrow never comes."

So true. I don't understand it, but that's heavy, man.

Thanks. That's good stuff.

Thank you.

So your dad took off when you were just a little kid?

Mm. That must have been tough.

You miss what you never knew.

What are you doing? That's good.

"You miss what you never knew." It is? You like it?

Yeah. And you can have it, gratis.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Are you gonna finish that?

Yeah. Thank you.

So any luck getting us a gig? Yeah.

It's just about finding the right showcase.

It's just focusing on the perfect showcase.

No one likes the demo.

I mean, it's stupid to think anybody but me would be into it.

What? This music is great, and I can prove it.

How? Let's ride.

This, my friend, is called the drive test.

If we can drive around with no place to go... blast the music, and feel like we're on top of the world... then we know we're onto something.

Sing it.

Like you mean it!

Come on.

Right?

How do you come up with those rhymes? "Busted, trusted."

I don't know how you come up with it. I like this part.

Isn't it something, Cleveland? A.D. D!

This guy! And this guy!

Mosh pit! Mosh?

Slam dance!

It does make you feel invincible, huh? Like everything is possible now!

And you know what?

If we can bring that to an audience, even for four and a half minutes... then we've got something.

Give me your phone.

Make it turn into a camera.

That? Okay. Yeah.

Give me a rebel yell on three. Three, two, one!

That is the moment we knew we were gonna be huge.

Whoo!

Hello?

Yeah, hold on a sec. Robert!

Ow! Robert!

I'm busy.

Phone! Jeez.

Now.

I think it's about a job.

How could it not be about a job?

One of those ones I've been looking so hard for.

Hello, this is Fish. What?

What? Yeah! No, hold on. Hold on.

Yeah.

Gone... That's what I did. Yeah, but you sing the harmony.

Oh, jeez.

That needs to be fixed.

God. I have news... but you know what? Before I reveal said news... we need to work on some things, including stage presence.

Why? Because A.D.D. has a gig.

What? A gig?

A gig! Yes!

Whoo! Yes!

We are playing the Tiger Room in Fort Wayne, Indiana...

Saturday night. We are hitting the "muh-huh-fuh-ing" road.

Oh, Indiana.

My mom's not gonna let me go to Indiana.

No, my mom's not gonna let me go. Listen up, kiddies.

You don't ask your parents for permission to rock.

You think The Beatles went to their mums and dads:

"Hello, Mum. Hello, Dad.

May I have permission to go with my mates... to a little pub called Shea Stadium... and rock the world for the rest of eternity?" No!

They were adults! You're an ad... They were adults.

What about the church-retreat excuse? What's that?

It's like, " Mom, Dad, I really wanna go on this church retreat... that I heard about so that I can learn about the Bible... you know, and meet other teenagers who share my interest in the Bible."

Ha. This works? Yeah.

You just print up a fake flyer on Photoshop... show it to your parents, and you're at a show.

Give it up right now, daughter of Beelzebub.

Hit me.

Nothing. Nothing. You're a tough cookie... but I'm gonna get a smile out of you yet.

Smiling is for the weak.

I can't believe we're stealing my mom's car.

It's not stealing when you're family.

But still, don't tell your mom.

Hop in.

I'm so nervous.

Did you just sneeze on my face? No, that wasn't me.

What you working on?

You going to ask to hear something every time you see me writing?

Pretty much, yep.

It's called "Bitter." Butter?

"Bitter."

It's a song?

Yeah, it's a song. Let's hear some.

It goes:


And it goes on like that.

Well, the cyanide and razor blades are in the glove box. Help yourself.

Come on. Hey. Hey. Hey. What?

It's really good stuff. It's like poetry.

I just wanna say, I am so excited we're on the road.

We are doing it. We're living our dream.

This is it. This is what it's about, living our dream.

You know, we don't stop. We don't stop for anything. We just...

I'd better stop.

Come on, Robert. Let's go.

I can't believe you called the cops on me.

You stole my car, Robert. I topped off your fluids.

Oh, get a job!

I had a job, an awesome gig that was gonna pay $ 100... until you reported your car missing. Oh, take responsibility!

You!

So long, Mattie. So long...

Don't talk! You are not allowed to speak!

You are not allowed to drive...

In fact, to do anything for the rest of the summer.

You can take away the wheels and his right to free speech... but you cannot take away the dream.

Damn right.

Shut up, Stan. Get out of my house, Robert.

Hey, Fish, Fish, Fish. Listen.

I'm really sorry she made me drop a dime on you.

It's okay, buddy.

Hey, give me the heavy-metal devil horns.

Now lock them with me.

My brother.

Oh, man, thanks for letting me stay here, Mr. Lee.

I really appreciate it. Yeah, those rice bags look comfortable.

Fish, no one has eaten more takeout than you.

You put my kids through college.

You stay until you get back on your feet, huh?

Thanks, Mr. Lee.

Wow. That heat is tremendous.

Take this.

What's this for? For the rats.

Rats?

Uncle Rob?

Hey. Hey, I thought you were grounded.

Technically, I'm at the library for the next 10 minutes.

But I'm not, really. I'm here.

Phew.

It's uncomfortably hot down here.

So, what brings you to the House of Lee?

I have a way... we can still practice.

So I've taken four webcams... then interfaced our computers to create a non-delayed... real-time virtual network.

Hello? Is this thing on?

Can you hear us? Is this working?

Testing, testing.

Mike check. Check. Can you hear me?

This thing on?

It's a camera, it's not a mike. I can hear you.

We can hear you. Okay, let's do this.

Oh! Oh, wow.

Oh! It's not a mike, Uncle Rob.

What? Is anybody else seeing this?

Okay. All right.

Am I the only one seeing this? Why is no one else reacting?

Try "Tomorrow Never Comes." Curtis, are you watching this?

Okay, "Tomorrow Never Comes." This is sick. Fish.

Oh, God. Okay. Okay, here we go.

One, two, one, two, three, four...


No. Yeah. I know, I keep trying to download the homework... but my annoying brother is hogging all the bandwidth.

Some stupid practice in our garage.

Hang on. I'll call you back.

Hello, YouTube.

Oh, dude, this is that thing they were talking about on Stern.

Holy shit. I think that's Robert.

What next, guys? Oh, that's a lot of Robert.

What do you wanna do next?

Leon, come here, come here.

That's... This guy's hilarious.

That's my brother-in-law.

The song's pretty g... Taking a little noodle break.

Just had dinner with him. Get out of here.

Ahem. You want to share this with the rest of the class, huh?

Oh. What is that?

What's next? Let's keep going.

Let's keep up this energy. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, God. Okay.

I'm telling you, that's the naked drummer.

Are you sure, man? It's kind of hard to tell with his clothes on.

It is the naked drummer.

Hey, fam. I got here as fast as I could.

There he is. I don't recognize you with clothes on.

David Marshall, head of A and R for Matchbook Records.

Matchbook Records?

By the way, I'm Stan. I'm kind of with the band.

Great, great.

He's come all the way from Los Angeles to meet you, Robert.

We're on the Internet. On the Internet.

Over a million hits and counting.

You know what that sound is? Anybody? No.

What about you, Norm from Cheers?

That's the sound of the money truck backing up to your door.

But my team at Matchbook, we see more than money.

We see beyond the gimmick of the naked drummer.

It's a fun video. We're laughing at it, laughing... but then we're humming the songs. It's the rope-a-dope.

Know what I mean? The rope-a-dope. We're laughing, laughing, then boom!

Out of nowhere, we're singing and humming the tunes. Why?

Why would we do that? I'll tell you why. Because the songs kick F-ing ass.

Wow! All these years, wearing a suit to the office.

I should have been a naked drummer! Absolutely. Here's the dealio.

If A.D.D. has more tunes like that, then Matchbook is very interested.

I'm sure you guys got a lot of heat. Lot of people coming after you.

Yeah, I didn't pay taxes in the '90s.

The phone's been ringing off the hook with offers.

Good. Good to know. Okay. We're in the pressure cooker.

We are through the looking glass, amigos.

I'm gonna call my people, I'm gonna come back and holler at you.

Excuse me a sec.

We're gonna be signed. We're gonna be signed.

Well... I'm gonna go call Amelia and Curtis.

I love your new tat. I just got it done.

I'll validate you on your way out.

All right, thanks.

Hello. I'm here for A.D.D.

Name?

Robert Fishman.

Studio 3.

Wait. My name is on the list?

Yeah. So my name is on that list.

Yeah.

Can I have it?

No. Okay. Sure.

This does not suck. You're the man.

They have free food.

Whoa.

The mixing board... with its thousands of mysterious buttons.

The big chair... that swooshes me around the studio.

That allows me to slide wherever I care to go.

The soundproof glass window. The giant headphones.


It's not very good. It's very, very depressing.

It makes me wanna kill myself.

Seriously, we need to stop this right now.

Why don't we turn this frown upside down?

Let's just push the tempo. Say, "I'm not bitter."

Okay. Okay? Follow my lead.

What's he doing? From the bridge. Let's do it.

One, two, three, four!

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Sing!

You recording? Yep.

Yeah! Ow!

Yes. That's what I'm talking about! That rocks.

Instead of a canoe paddling in a pond, we were a tank flying down a mountain.

I like that. It feels really good. What do you guys think?

Lennon's rolling over in his grave to hide the boner you just gave him.

We're gonna bounce that down.

Yeah! Bouncing it down! Whoo! What does that mean?

I have no idea. Let's take five.

Someday one of these bad boys will have your name on it, C-note.

I guarantee.

There's a lot of biz buzz on you back in Hollyweird, my man.

Really? Yeah.

You got an opportunity to capitalize on this YouTube thing.

We're talking an album, a tour...

You're gonna have more ladies than Jay-Z got Mercedes.

You're gonna need two dicks.

Thanks. Yeah, yeah. No problem.

What are you guys doing? Just telling Big C here the game plan.

We're gonna hang out in the studio a couple weeks, do more recording... then strap in, young'uns.

We're hitting the road.

What? You heard me, Curly Sue.

Midwest tour.

Huh? That's right!

Yeah! Yeah!

All right. Easy. Yeah.

And in conclusion, ladies and gentlemen...

I promise you that on the road, these kids will have an experience... unlike any they have ever experienced!

Um...

I think, well, what he's trying to say in a...

Just a really incomprehensible way... is that this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for them.

And they have worked so hard, and want this so badly.

And I'm not thrilled with letting Curtis go without me being there... but I don't want him to spend the rest of his life thinking, "What if...?"

You know? So you got my vote.

I'm sorry.

I lived my life saying, "What if...?"

Twenty years of "What if...?"

You feel me, Jack?

You'll be safe, right?

Of course.

Okay. Okay.

Okay? Okay.

Okay. Lisa?

Okay. All right.

Just please be careful. Okay.

Hey. Thank you.

You're welcome.

But if one hair on his head is harmed, I will kill you.

Cool. All right.

Mattie? I trust you. Yeah?

But I don't trust your uncle.

So I don't want you to listen to a word he says, okay?

Okay. Okay.

Whoa.

First tour bus.

Nice ride.

I'll call you guys. Please do.

Will you be okay? Yes. I'm gonna be fine.

I love you. I'm so proud of you. Love you too.

Mr. Gator here. All you bear bait headed north... on big slab l-5 round yardstick 40... Citizens band, huh?

Pretty cool.

Ever heard of cell phones? Ever heard of brain cancer?

There's two things in this world I do not trust when they're wireless... and that is phones and marionettes.

Woo-hoo! Beaded curtains.

Fridge with beer. Beer I didn't pay for.

Yes. Time to party hearty. Hello.

I thought you were gonna be the responsible adult.

Oh, I'm gonna be responsible, all right... for partying till my nuts catch fire.

What is wrong with you?

What is wrong with me? All my life, people kept saying, " Grow up.

Give up your dreams. Get a haircut, Fish. You'll never rock anymore."

Well, you know what? Look at me now, day job!

Woo-hoo!

On your left, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Whoo!

Save some room for my drums, baby... because Fish's Age of Rage has begu...

I got a bug.

Woo-hoo! First venue. All right.

First marquee.

Check, check, check. Check, one, two. Check, one, two. Check. Check.

First sound check. Yeah.

Check, check. Test hit.

Testes, one, two, testes, check, check.

Let's give a warm Dayton welcome to A.D.

Yeah.

Hi.

Hello.

Hey, hey. Let's rock.

One, two, three.

First technical difficulty.

First recovery.


You nailed that key change on "Too Far."

Oh, thanks.

You were out of your mind. Chewing the keys off the board.

You were better than Kurt Cobain. You're like Hurt Cobain.

A.D.D.

You guys are sweet.

First fan. Ha-ha!

That did sound pretty good.

It was better than good. It was sweet.

You're so wet.

Yes. Yes! Our band is sweet. No!

Sweet! Oh, my God.

I'm not leaving you out, Mattie. I'm saving the biggest hug for you... because you brought me here. Uncle Rob, we don't need...

Oh, there we go. Shh. Oh, God.

Uncle Fish has got you there, big fella. So moist.

Hi.

Um, we were wondering if we could buy you guys a beer or something.

First groupies.

Unfortunately, they are not of age. Fortunately...

I am double the legal limit for after-show parties.

Yeah, we were kind of looking for someone... a little closer to our age, but thanks.

First blow-off. Let the games begin.

Oh, man. This is where rock 'n' roll came to die.

It's all about text chats and Playbox with you guys.

It's Xbox. Whatever.

We're on tour.

You may never get this chance again. Come on.

Okay? We have gotta cut loose.

I feel like I cut loose when I'm on-stage.

Then I like to rest and unwind a little bit. Please move.

And you call yourself my nephew. He's right.

It's late. We're tired. You're like a bunch of grandmas.

You look like Miss Saigon.

Wait, I get it. You guys don't know what it means to go on tour.

Don't you do this. Well, I do.

You're a monster.

Fish! Fish! Fish! Fish!


I am a golden Fish!

Woo-hoo!

Woo-hoo!

Yeah! Now we got a party!

Aah! Oh!

Hey, man. What's wrong?

We're in the joint.

We're going behind bars, man! This is awesome.

This is what being a rock star's all about!

Yeah, I don't know. I guess for me, it's always been more about the music.

No, music definitely plays an important part.

I just...

I always hope maybe, you know... someday, my dad would hear one of my songs... and feel, I don't know, something.

You want my advice?

You got a good thing going.

Don't chase something you're never gonna get.

It's his loss. He's the one missing out.

Trust me. I know.

I got the best seat in the house.

Right between the guitar and the bass.

Fishman. You all made bail. Yes.

How? Thank you. The fans.

The magic of rock 'n' roll. Come on, where's my posse?

That, my friends, is what happens when you're a rock star.

Night, guys. Night, Fish.

Oh, crap.

Mom?

I trusted you. I vouched for you and for the safety of these kids.

This is how you pay me back? By being a drunken, irresponsible, drunken...

You said "drunken." I know.

What is wrong with you? Hey, Kim. Hey, Lisa.

Two arrests in three weeks?

What does it feel like to destroy a hotel room?

It must be freeing. It's gotta be freeing, huh?

You have no idea.

Really? Oh, yeah.

You are such an idiot.

Come on, Matt. We're going. Tour's over.

You can't cancel the t... Lower my voice.

You can't cancel the tour.

He's right. People are digging... I don't care if you're selling out arenas.

I don't trust Drummer Boy... What?

Let's go. I'm not going home.

I'm not, either. And don't call my uncle Little Drummer Boy.

He's a big drummer boy. I'm the mother, you're the child.

No, because I show you respect, and then you don't listen.

I can't hear you. Hey. Guys. Guys.

You don't listen to me. We're a band and we stick together.

We're finishing the tour.

I'm sorry if you guys have a problem, but that's the way it is.

Yeah.

Okay, I'll go. What?

I don't think it's fair. These kids cancel their tour... because Baby Huey over here isn't responsible enough to be an adult... so I will go.

I'll go too. Oh, be quiet, Stan.

No. A tour with parents is not a tour. On this point, I will not bend. That's it.

My line in the sand has been drawn.

I just wanna say on behalf of the band... it's kind of a buzz-kill having you on the tour.

Really? If you hadn't been such a jackass, I wouldn't have to be here.

Whatever. I just need you to do a little babysitting... and don't rain on my parade, okay? Because I'm living my dream.

Did you always have that knee brace in your dream?

What did I say about raining on my parade?

Sorry. You know what? I'm sorry.

You are an adult. I mean, technically.

You can do what you want. I just think you might want to start to take it easy.

Take it easy? Thanks, the Eagles.

No. I spent my whole life taking it easy... and now I'm making up for lost time.

Hoo-hoo! All right.

I'm gonna do whatever I want. Watch this.

I may go moon a trucker.

Or streak up and down the bus, or take a nap.

Not sure which. My choice. Hmm. Make a decision.

I think I'll take a nap. Excuse me.

Okey-dokey.

I have a silly question. Do you have any hand sanitizer?

I do. I've used it for other things, but you're welcome to it.

Jesus Christ.

Hello? Hey, it's D.V. Put me on shout, yo.

Hey, are you guys sitting down? One second.

Yeah, well stand up. I got great news. Okay.

You're gonna shoot a music video.

Whoo! Yes!

I got us the hottest video director in town.

Yeah. All right, I gotta go. I'm in a tremendous amount of pain.

Cut it, please. Cut...

We're rehearsing now. That means you should move.

Your mouth and your body.

Go backwards in slow motion, then say the words backwards.

Where's the girl?

Say the words backwards.

In post it's all gonna be forward.

You have to go backwards for me to make it forward, get it?

Where's the girl? Don't hold your breath.

What is happening? Excuse me, Kip?

Yes? Listen, can we call this a day?

No. No, this isn't happening. Listen to me.

What's going on? Go ahead.

It's Amelia. She's just having a really tough day.

Not feeling like a rock star. I'll go talk to her.

Okay. Good luck with that.

Amelia? Just go away.

Come on, it's okay to be nervous.

I either throw up or get the runs before every show.

Last night it was both. Gross. Leave me alone.

Come on. Girlfriend, we need you. Come on.

I'm sorry. I just can't. Hey, what's wrong?

I told that idiot stylist not to brush it. Let me see.

Holy sh... Oh, wow. Hey.

See? I look like shit, okay? Go away. Listen, it's just hair. It's no biggie.

Maybe girls like me just don't belong in music videos.

You know, if that's the look that they want, they should just... grab one of those annoying little girls hanging on Curtis.

Don't say that.

Those girls are a dime a dozen. That is why you are in this band... and they are not. Because you have looks and personality.

You've got attitude, you've got edge... you've got pure, unfiltered badass-ed-ness. Yeah.

Now, as far as the 'do goes... take it from someone that's been at war with their hair.

It just needs a little bit of love and a lot of product.

Welcome back.

Smile? No smile?

Thanks, Fish.

Good job. This part's gonna blow people's minds.

I'm gonna shoot you with this old Bolex, stop-motion, you're gonna be animated.

So pick your spot, take your breath, and move a tiny bit.

Move a tiny bit.

Move a tiny bit.

Move a tiny bit. Wait a minute.

You have a tattoo. What? Where?

Oh, my God. I'm gonna get that checked out.

Funny. Good. I'm just saying it's weird... because you have a tattoo, but you're a mom.

Gee, nothing gets by you, does it? Yes, I have a tattoo, and I am a mom.

A few too many flirtinis?

Close. It was an old band.

You were in a band? Mm-hm.

I was in an all-girl punk band.

No way. That's awesome.

Yeah. Put a safety pin in my T-shirt and I'm a badass. Good times.

So what happened to the old "S.W." band? Why'd you give it up?

Well, I'm not exactly sure... but I think it had something to do with the fact that... a pregnant 17-year-old lead singer... wasn't exactly what MTV was looking for.

They so lack vision. Cut! You moved too much. Okay?

"Tiny bit" means tiny bit, not big bit or regular bit. Tiny bit. Move a tiny bit.

I don't know why you're blinking more than a normal person... but blink like a normal person or don't blink.

So your choice.

Matt.

Matt. Yeah, you okay?

Do you sleep with your eyes open? No, I'm fine.

Good night.


Hey, can you sign my shirt?

You're... You're very well-proportioned.

Hey. Good night. Good night.

You Tube sensation A.D.D. have gone from total unknowns... to a top-10 album, a number one single... and a sold-out tour in just three short months.

Thank you very much. You have a great night.

I love you, Matt.

Somebody threw this at me, and it's got a telephone number... an e-mail address, and it's big.

Rock 'n' roll.

Let me see that. Hey, hey. A.D.D., you were amazing.

Oh, wow. Mattie, oh, it was so incredible.

Everybody loved it and they were singing along with the words.

They were mouthing your words. You were good, Fish.

Oh, my goodness. That was great, guys. Unh! Give it up.

Okay, I understand. Nice. Nicely done. Here's the plan, okay?

We gotta go down, give some face time to the fans, then get out of here, okay?

MySpace is throwing you guys a party, and I don't wanna be late.

Wanna get there before all the good T-A-l-L is taken, know what I'm saying?

We can spell.

Yeah. Yeah, no, I get that. That makes sense.

Hello. Hello there. Hi. I don't think we've been introduced.

David Marshall, Matchbook Records. Hey. Kim Powell. I'm Curtis' mom.

Oh!

The wellspring, huh?

Excuse me?

I would love to spend nine months inside you.

Why's everybody being quiet?

Ha-ha-ha! Hoo-hoo!

There it is. It's like a school bus for assholes.

I'm not gonna get in that thing. That is a nice ride.

Yeah. Go have fun. Come on, let's go.

Oh, wow. Yellow. Yeah. Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

Okay, let's go.

I'm gonna cut to the chase, because that's how I do, but...

You're familiar with the term "MILF"?

Because I would never use that to describe you, ever.

I hate that term. It disgusts me.

No, no, no. you are more of a "MILMSLT."

That's a mother I'd like to make sweet love to.

Oh, thank you. I'm really flattered, actually.

Um, so are you familiar with the term "PILS"?

No, no, no. What's a PILS?

It's a person I'd like to stab.

I know. Oh, that's good. Watch out here.

Cougar's got claws.

I'm gonna hop in the Hummer. Good idea.

I'll see you guys in the Hummer. Go.

Hit the omelet bar.

Well played, my lady. Shall we?

You know, I'm gonna take a rain check.

Really? You? A rain check, huh?

Okay. Well, you know, I got... a date back at the club with a couple of shorties, so...

Oh, all right. See you later. Okay. All right.

Don't wait up for me, okay, because I'm gonna be:

Whoop, whoop! Whoop. See you.


Mattie? Hi.

Hi. Are you okay? Oh, super duper. I am just doing...

This is some... Who is she?

I don't know her name. I've seen her at our shows... and I've wanted to engage her, but I just get so nervous.

Which one is she? She's sitting at the bar, in the blue.

No. Don't stare. I'm not staring.

You're embarrassing me in front of her. Just be respectful.

She's the one sitting over there in the blue T-shirt.

Uh, okay. The shirt that reads "I heart Matt" in rhinestones?

That could be a coincidence.

Maybe it's "I heart Matt" LeBlanc from TV's the Friends.

Look at me, Amelia.

Look at me. I am not the world's most handsome guy here.

And...

I don't know how to speak to a girl, other than you.

I've never kissed a girl.

I've never asked one to go to a movie or maybe go to dinner, or...

There, okay? Now you've had the experience.

Now go talk to her and quit pussing out.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Could you sign this, please? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that would be great.

Huh.

Hello?

Hey. Can I? Sure, come on in.

You're back already, huh? How were the smallies?

Shorties, and I decided to call it an early night tonight.

Those were some great moves, by the way.

Yeah, great.

So this is supposed to be a guitar.

Yeah, it's a guitar. It's really fun. Do you wanna play?

Come on. Come on. All right.

All right, just put it on. Okay. Okay.

See? It goes red, blue. I'm lost.

Blue. Blue.

And hit this so you can get extra points. I love this song. This song is awesome.

You're doing it.

I'm kicking your ass is what I'm doing. You're not even.

Yeah. Now we're a rock band.

Double head.

May I introduce A.D.D.'s first video. Pow!


You know, verse, chorus, verse, chorus. You've heard the song.

So, what do you think, huh?

I'm not even embarrassed by it, and I'm embarrassed by, like, everything.

Well, your body's changing.

Don't you hate how the camera itself adds 10 pounds?

Yeah. The camera and food, right? If you like that, you're gonna love this.

This little puppy... is going to debut next Monday as the number nine video in the country.

Yeah. All right.

And you're gonna crap your khakis when you hear this.

Y'all just got asked to open for Vesuvius... in honor of their induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Huh?

That's pretty great, right?

Like a " Cleveland up-and-comers open for Cleveland legends" thizz-ang.

Not to mention, it keeps it all in the Matchbook family, which is good.

No. No.

No, no, no.

Fish, Fish? Breathe, breathe. You have to breathe.

All right. Okay.

What if I said yes already? Where does that leave us?

Oh, God. Okay, all right, Fish?

Drama. No!

I'll go talk to him. No, no. Just sit. I'll do it.

You guys realize if you open for Vesuvius... you'll get to play in front of 20,000 people.

Fish has a history with them. We can't do that.

Look, I love Fish. I do. I love that guy. And I never say love... but the guy's practically in a full-body cast.

You know what I mean? I think it's time we put him out of his misery.

Know what I'm saying? We need to freshen the look of the band.

What do you say? A band's a family.

You don't turn your back on family.

What is this, Full House? Are you kidding?

He stays. That's that.

You know what? You're right. Yeah. No, he stays. Good call.

Hey. Fish! No, no! I can't do it. I won't do it.

"Promised Land" is my song. I came up with the title.

And they are in the promised land... and I'm walking around in the desert for 40 years. I'm Moses.

I led them to the land of milk and honey and three-ways and orgies...

Fish. Listen to me. And I'm eating manna...

I can't... I can't hear you...

Ooh.

Hello, Yoko.

What was that for? To shut you up.

Okay. Now listen to me.

You have already made it to the promised land, okay?

Not the way you thought, but you've made it.

Are you gonna blow this because of some stupid grudge?

Come on. Just let it go. Play the gig. Please.

Your witchy, witchy ways won't work on me.

I am never opening for Vesuvius.

Oh, oh, oh. Hey, buddy. Hey, man. What a coincidence, huh?

I didn't know you were staying here. Yeah, I love this place.

Same floor and everything.

I wanna say I think it's super awesome... that you're cool with Fish banging your mom.

What are you talking about? I'm just saying... it's mature that you approve of him hitting that sweet stuff.

Cool as a fan, man. You're a cool, cool kid.

You're like Vin Diesel wrapped in a Jeremy Piven pie.

All right. Here we are.

You know what? I just realized I'm not in this hotel.

Take care, kiddo. You're a rock star. Whoo!


If you guys have been dying to spend some time in Cleveland... come out next month when A.D.D.'s gonna be doing a free arena show.

We're gonna be opening up for Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees... the mighty Vesuvius.

Hey, hey. I thought you said we weren't gonna do that.

I decided we were. Guys, we should discuss this later.

There's no need. It's a done deal.

I am not doing that, okay? I am not opening for them.

You think we should open for Vesuvius?

Then you better find a new drummer.

Know why you're in this band? You're a joke.

I'm not letting my mom go out with a joke.

And I'm not missing the show of my life because of you.

Ow! Ow!

What? You've never seen anyone kick over their drums in anger... jump off the stage and twist both ankles?

No. Well, now you have. Ow.

Make a path.

Oh, no.

Fish. It's okay. Are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah.

You all right? Yeah, top of the world.

Thanks. My left ankle is making a pretty serious clicking noise.

Yeah, I hear that. Yeah.

Listen. We need to talk to Curtis.

Fish, we kissed. Once. On tour.

You know what this is. This isn't real. In real life, I am Curtis's mom... and you are... Oh, you are just a guy who won't grow up.

I tried growing up, okay? For 20 years.

I tried it. I hated every moment of it, and I'm not going back to that.

You never even moved forward. You didn't give being an adult a chance.

You're just living in some moment that happened 20 years ago.

You said you didn't have it figured it out either.

I don't, but at least I'm living in the present.

Hello, rat.

Here we are. Check it out, guys, huh? Not bad.

Yeah, yeah. Uh-oh.

Who could that be? Guys, this is your new drummer, Paul.

Go ahead and get to know him better. Give him a nickname. Any animal.

Except Fish. Obviously, that would be a little awkward.

Cool. Great. Well, come on. Let's go. Let's rehearse.

Set up. Come on.

Yeah, there we go. All right.


Any last requests?

Be gentle.

Robert, I like your résumé.

I certainly love your objectives, and Stan speaks very highly of you.

I do notice that your last job was a few months ago.

What have you been doing since then?

He's been taking some time to recharge the old batteries.

And now I'm ready to work here until I die.

I don't even wanna talk to him about it. It's so frustrating and it's so unfair.

Hey.

Hey. We were supposed to start two hours ago.

Relax. I figured you guys could just practice with Paul.

Ever since you forced Fish out... this went from being a band... to being you and some people behind you.

I didn't force him out of the band. He quit.

You were mean and manipulative, and you completely forced him out.

This Paul thing is good for us. Are you kidding me?

Look at him. It's like Abercrombie's making people now.

We need Fish.

You know? He's sloppy and stupid, and he's full of life.

We're not the same without him. You know it.

Okay, yeah. He said he won't open for Vesuvius.

Curtis, had you gone up to him and just said it from your heart... how important it was for you and the band, he would have done it.

Mattie's right. I mean, he would have. He would've done it in a second.

Because he loves you.

Know what, guys? I'm really not in the mood to practice.

I hope you know that I'm getting paid whether we practice or not.

Shut up, Paul.


Hey.

Hey.

Listen, I had no idea real life was so boring.

And soul crushing. Don't forget soul crushing.

That's a nice suit.

I'm gonna kill you.

You mind if I sit?

So...

Matt says that if I'd asked you in a nicer way to open for Vesuvius... you'd have said yes.

Well, even though he's a genius, he's an idiot.

I am not opening for no Vesuvius.

You're being a baby. No, I'm not. I'm being realistic.

You're telling me Robert Fishman, a.k.a. Fish... has a chance to play Q Arena in front of 20,000 screaming fans... and he's not gonna take it?

I saw Ozzy bite the head off a bat on that stage.

You could see A.D.D. there with a really good seat between the guitar... and bass. And the bass. Best seat in the house.

No. No way.

I am not opening for Vesuvius. They can open for me.

It's not fair.

Of course not. Who said life was fair?

Don't be so mature. You want my advice?

You got a good thing going.

You shouldn't be chasing something you're never gonna get back.

Keep stealing my lines, I'll punch you in the eye.

Let me tell you how it's gonna be. You're gonna suck it up... because A.D.D. needs a sloppy-ass Robert Fishman-type drummer.

It's just one more night, one more show. Just finish what you started.

What do you say?

I say...

I am the best sloppy-ass Robert Fishman-type drummer there is.

Ow. Ooh, I'm sorry.

Excuse me, everyone? May I have your attention?

I want you all to know that me and my band... are gonna play the Q Arena.

And I want you to know it is never too late.

Yeah. Yeah!

Yeah. All right.

It is never too late to rock.

Come on, guys. Let's go. Stage dive. Stage dive.

Stage dive.

We're gonna bodysurf you on out of here. Come on. Let's go.

All right. Here we go. Rock 'n' roll!

Ow, ow, ow. My carpal tunnel. Okay, put me down.

Yes.

All right. Can you feel the excitement?

I sat right there for Metallica... way up there for Mötley Crüe, behind the stage for Van Halen... but I never thought I would be standing here.

I'm so nervous. I'm gonna be sick.

Act like we're back in the garage.

Yeah, with 20,000 Vesuvius fans just chilling on the driveway.

You think they'll like us? We're gonna make them like us.

There they are. Woo-hoo! A.D.D. Ha-ha!

Fish, dude, so glad to have you back, bro. For real, for real.

Everybody at Matchbook is happy you worked out your thing.

Well? You ready?

Let's get ready to do this show. Come on.

All right. Come on, let's go.


Okay, guys, follow me.

I got A.D.D. right here with me. This way.

Clear the hall. Vesuvius coming through. Vesuvius coming through.


Ha-ha! Uh-oh!

A.D.D., let me introduce you to the mighty Vesuvius.

David Marshall. We've met a couple times.

No.

Sorry.

Hello, kiddies. You're the band we're supposed to launch.

Gobsmacked, eh?

It's all right, mates. It's difficult to meet your heroes for the first time.

Why do you guys have British accents?

Who's this geezer? "Why do you have British accents?"

Hang on. Hang on. We know him, mates.

Back from when we were American. Look, it's Fish.

Who?

Oh, Trash, Trash, it's Fish. Fishy. Fish and chips.

Oh, right.

Yeah, Fish, having a laugh.

All right, mate? Sticks, this is the bloke what you replaced.

Hey, that's right. Fishy.

I just wanted to point out that I'm actually from England.

He's just taking the piss. You know, one of me mates.

So, Fish.

Been busy?

You know, I've thought about this moment... every day for the last 20 years...

Oh... ...wondering what I would say to you... what I would do to you.

And if this was a week ago...

I would have attacked you all like a fierce wolverine.

I'm glad it wasn't last week, then.

Pulled the skin from your faces... and treated myself to some human carpaccio or face jerky.

But that is just not me anymore.

So I wanna say to you right now... have a great show.

Oh...

Cheers, man. Come on, for old times' sake.

Not bad, huh? D.V. coming through for you. Meeting your heroes.

Let's do this. Woo-hoo!


Yeah!

I know that guy.

I love you, Matt.

Yeah! Whoo!

Yes. Yes!

You rocked it.

Hey. Hey.

So good. Yes.

Great show. Yeah, you too.

So I was wondering maybe if later you'd wanna get a bite to eat.

Sure. Yeah. I'll tell Mattie.

I was thinking maybe, you know, just me and you could go together.

Oh.

Yeah.

I mean, you know, that'd be cool.

All right.

Hey.

There it is.

So good, man. You were so good.

Sweetie, you were wonderful. Fish, that was awesome.

Thanks.

Nice haircut, by the way. Thank you.

I heard women like a more mature look, so...

I liked your look.

Come here. Ah, ah.

I'm kind of... You know? You sure? I don't care.

All hail the mighty...

Vesuvius.


Oh, my God. They're lip-synching.

It's a live mike.

They're lip-synching. They're lip-synching.

Get out there and do something.

Keep going.

Oh, no.

We got an Ashlee Simpson situation here.

You suck.

Go back to Cleveland, Cleveland.

Go away.

You guys suck. Losers.

A.D.D. A.D.D.

A.D.D. A.D.D. A.D.D. A.D.D.

It's insane. What do you think?

I think... they're calling our names. Come on. Let's roll.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! It is not a good idea to go out there.

It's Vesuvius' show. Don't wanna make them look bad.

And you'll piss off the record company, which I do not suggest you do.

These people came here for live music.

Screw these people. It's a free show, dumbass. You don't have a choice.

David's right. Thank you.

We don't have a choice. We gotta go up there.

By the way, you better not be here when we get back.

We're gonna look for new management.

I love this kid. Love him. You speak your mind.

You have integrity. You inspire me. You're like 6, and you inspire me.

Hey. Read my lips, asshole. You're fired.

Let's go. Come on. You're a bad man.