The Romantics (2010) Script


That's Laura's car.

Hey. Laura!

You lost? Hi, sweetie!

Yeah. How do I get back to New York? Hey, still driving the booger.

Don't move. I'm getting in. Sweetheart ...

Trip, no, no. No. Its okay, l got it.

I got it, I got it.

Hi, Laura!

Oh my God! l had to get out of there. Desperate situation.

Alright, truth. Have l gotten obese? Tell me the truth.

Are we gonna start that already? - Tell me the truth. You can't lie for shit.

You look revolting. Head to toe. - Good. You've never looked worse in your life.

Oh, babe. Trip.

You always know what to say. l think this occasion calls for a drink.

Yeah. Yeah, a couple.

Go. Little race? l'll race you.

Tom, man, the guy just keeps winning. Honey, you didn't do so bad.

Sweetie, the day we met was the best day of my life. - lt was night time, honey. lt was 2 a.m. on September 20th 1999, is what it was.

I believe we were at the "Yankee Doodle". I asked if I could borrow your ketchup.

And l saw that you already had a bottle on your table. l know. It was a bold-faced lie, but l was desperate to meet you.

When are you ladies gonna get married already?

October. May, maybe. October.

Maybe October.

You're here! We're here!

Finally! How's my hair? Revolting.

Make-up? Trashy.

Clothes? Tacky choice.

You look beautiful. Thank you.

Alright, we'll have enough time tonight to kiss your butt at the rehearsal dinner.

Lo. Li.

Please.


Lila ...


Lila.

Lila Hayes is not my friend.

Lila Hayes is my sister.

No.

Lila and I have shared many things: rooms, clothes, study notes, boyfriends ...

Lila Hayes is ...

...the luckiest girl in the world.

She has beauty, intelligence, a killer backhand, boobs I would kill for ...

She's graced with all of these things.

And she has brought us all here tonight,

to celebrate her greatest accomplishment.

Love.

Trip, l'm standing right here. It's perfume.

Well, can you just try not to spray it in my nose? l am so screwed for my toast. l haven't written a thing.

You always say that and then you give the best one.

You have an unfair advantage, Miss Published Writer.

But tonight you've got competition. Your signature rhyming ode?

Damn right. Guaranteed to bring down the house. - Nice.

Hey, are you okay? Why does everyone keep asking me that?

Can l borrow ... - Yeah, I wonder why people keep asking you that.

I'm sorry. lt was a really long drive. Cut the bullshit, Lo.

When was the last time you saw him?

Saw who? Tom. When was the last time you saw Tom? l don't know. You don't know?

You dated the man for four years. Five.

Five. But you guys have stayed close.

Yeah, we are. l mean, we were. Well, when?

Honestly, l don't remember. Before he proposed?

Around then, I guess. You guess?

Fine. It was the day before.

Oh, that's sweet. He called to tell you first?

No.

But you spoke with him? Yeah.

She was back on. And so you knew before Lila?

Actually, he didn't mention it. He didn't mention it?

So when did you hear? - When Lila called to ask me to be her maid of honor.

And then?

And then? Nothing. Nothing?

No. We haven't spoken since.

Sweetie ...

Guys, l'm fine. Really. Really.

I couldn't be happier for them. Okay.


Thank you.


There you are! Hey.

Well, are you coming? l was just ...

Well? It's nothing.

You know I can't do this without you. Of course I'm coming.

Okay.

Guys, we all look good. Oh, shit. Shit!

What? Look!

Take them off. l have something. l can't take them off. Yes, you can. Just take them off.

What do you have? lt's going to be fine.

Red nail polish? lt might work. Let's see.

It's kind of gone all the way down there. You don't even notice it. lt's kind of sexy. lt looks fine. They're just gonna see your pretty little face.

I need to know if this is funny. l'm gonna say to Lila, "Last chance to have Pete."

That's really funny. Yeah.

Okay, you guys don't get it. That's cool. l'll find something else. Not a big deal.

That was amazing. Yeah, not yet, buddy.

Ah. What's up, dude?

Ladies and gentlemen, sorry to interrupt, but cocktails beckon us tonight.

Lila, Tom, let's do this quickly, so that we can toast our fantastic pair.

You nearly took me down. - l knew it. I still make you weak at the knees.

Alright, we will do one walk-through of the wedding procession.

Now, members of the wedding party, I need you to break into pairs.

Husbands will go with wives, fiancés with fiancés.

And Laura, you'll go with Chip.

Flower girls go before Lila, who will go with her father.

Minnow, you will lead the processional.

And Tom, you'll stand with Reverend Bartlett. - Okay. l'm gonna ... l'll probably just ... l'll go ...

Yeah. Everybody got it? Good.

This whole thing rests on you. Okay.

Wait. What's happening? The whole thing depends on you.

Dude, I have no idea what she just said. Let's ask Pete.

This is kind of intimidating. We're further back.

I believe we go that way. This way.

Tonight's the night. And what night is that?

The night you finally fall for me. I wouldn't hold your breath.

Oh, but l will.

What happened to your little girlfriends? Mere bodies laying the path to you.


Sorry, guys.

God, it's like a Bar Mitzvah in there. Did you see that room?

We should just have that "bring your own bottle". l'm sorry.

You look stunning, sweetheart. Thank you, Mom.

Now, if we could just find your groom ...

It's funny, isn't it? What's funny? l don't know. Just the way he's standing there like that. - What's funny about it?

Okay, maybe funny is the wrong word, but ... Strange, it's ...

It is al little strange, don't you think? What about it is strange?

The way he's staring out to sea like a lovesick sailor.

He's a groom. Grooms get nervous. Of course.

Mother, please don't.

You know what l think? Yes, I know what you think.

And perhaps you will permit me to say it? l know you will regardless.

He has to love you more, Lila. More than what?

More than whom?

More than you love him. That's the only way marriage works.

Leave him alone.

How's Augusta? - She'll be fine after a couple of cocktails.


Tom McDevon is quite a catch.

Summa graduate, championship swimmer, Ph.D. candidate in English, rather easy on the eyes.

So let's raise our glasses to two perfect catches.

Perfect catch, perfect match.

There goes the bloodline. That's enough for you.

When Tommy told me he was marrying the lovely Lila, l said, "Tommy boy, you're one lucky son of a bitch!"

And l said, "Attraction is a very important ingredient in any relationship."

"Sure, folks can talk all they want about love and loyalty and all that other shit."

"But the important thing is, if she doesn't make your wiener hard ..."

"Then forget it. Forget it all." What are you doing? - You had too much to drink.

No, I didn't.

Let's face it. My sister is perfect.

Everyone here knows it. lf you're a chick, you've spent your life fighting the urge to kill her. lf you're a guy, you've spent your life trying to sleep with her.

Admit it, Jake. Admit it. You admit it.

Don't worry, Weesie. He never got anywhere.

Mom, Dad ... l know it's been hard to embrace the new in-laws.

But don't worry.

We only have to spend Christmas and Thanksgiving with them.

Every year, for the rest of our lives!

Wait.

Do Irish people celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah?

The lovely Lila sat on a wall.

When she saw Tom McDevon her heart had a fall.

He rode in on his horse and picked up the pieces.

Until that day she had felt like feces.

As everybody knows, Tom is unmatched in the swimming pool.

As everyone also knows, Tom is unmatched on the tennis court.

But not enough is said about what a truly kind and generous man Tom really is.

Many of you may not know this, but l was only 0.2 seconds behind Tom McDevon in the breaststroke, our personal favorite stroke.

Athletic and smart, kind and charming, Tom McDevon was one disarming dude.

So I was like, "Jake, where is Tom?" He was like, "l don't know."

And I was like, "Pete, where is Tom?" He was like, "l don't know."

And we were just like ... No, but, like, nobody knew where he was.

And l still maintain that he put roofies in my Gatorade.

And touched me inappropriately under the water.

That was me. That was you?

Such a good story. I love that one. So ... But l ... Okay, so one more.

Here's to that lucky lady. Here's to Tom. l love you both. And ...

And should that egg meet a sperm and turn into a baby, count on me as a sitter. l will always say maybe.

Cheers!

Lila is ...

...graced with beauty and intelligence and determination.

Lila and I were roommates in college.

I was from the Midwest. She was from the East Coast.

My first memory is ...

We were both on Old Campus, in line for our college IDs and freshmen.

And all of a sudden this stranger comes up to me and says, "You know we're gonna have these lDs for the rest of the year, right?"

And l said, "Yes." And she goes, "Well, didn't you bring your make-up?"

So when she painted me up with Lancome's best, l knew we were gonna be good friends.

And yet it was touch and go at first, but ...

We realized that our differences made us stronger. You know, we ...

We got the nickname "La-La", because we loved each other.

And we loved our friends.

Our friends got the nickname "The Romantics".

Because of our incestuous dating history.

We were just in love with each other.

Because that's what friends do. They fall in love with each other.

And ...

Then they fall out of love and ...

They fall back in love. This happens again and again, for the rest of their lives.

The fact that Tom and Laura ...

The fact that ...

...Tom and Lila found each other is exceptional, because they're both exceptional people.

And l wish them all of the joy in the world.

To their glittering future!

Hear, hear. Hear, hear.

Glittering future. Yeah.

Did I seem nervous? No!

No. No.

You were great. Fine. You were really ...

Babe?


Wait! Lila!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You didn't think you could escape that easy, did you?

Come on, Lila, just stay for one more drink.

No. l need hours, maybe days of silence.

Boring. - But l'll see you guys at midnight, right?

Remember? You guys said you'd come tuck me in. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Remind the others, okay? Okay. See you at midnight!

Hey, do you have any of those tropical umbrellas you can put in ... - I'll look.

What do you want? I don't care, bro.

Hey!

Hey, come back here! Come back here!


That was lovely, sweetie. That made me so proud.

There was a mist on your birthday. I like some mist.

Movement to go skinny-dipping! Stop it!

I'm game and so is Tom. l guarantee he wants to see some ass before his wedding.

I think he got his fill at the bachelor party. - Okay, yeah. That's right.

I spent half the night trying to pull your ass out of the champagne room.

Explain that to me! - Tell me right now, do I need to divorce my husband?

Certainly not, no. None of the strippers would have him. - God knows I've tried.

You cowardly rat! Get him!

Get him!

You got my suit all wet! You can't run for shit!

Oh, no. Oh, no. Come on, guys.

Really?

No! No!

Hey.

I liked your speech.

Thank you. l did. It was good.

You were a little nervous, but it was good.

Congratulations. Thank you.

l'm sorry.

It's okay. It was necessary.

Yeah, it was for the best.

You know what?

lt was easier than l thought it was gonna be.

Really?

Really? Because l thought it was ... l thought it was harder than ...

lt was harder than l thought it was gonna be.

So, did you miss me?

Not for a second.

Mom? lt's me.

Hi. ls something wrong? I'm just nervous, l guess.

What are you nervous about?

You know, nothing.

Everything.

I'm nervous Mom's gonna go psycho after the wedding.

You know how she gets when she finishes a project, all up in your grill and shit.

Up in your grill and shit? l just don't want the attention, I guess. l think you'll be spared.

What about you? Are you nervous?

l'm terrified.

You are? Yep. To the bone.

About what? l'm not sure Tom can ... l'm ... l'm not sure Tom ... l'm not sure Tom is ... You're not sure Tom is what?

I'm just not sure.

Does he make you feel beautiful? Yes.

Does he make you feel safe? Most of the time.

Does he make you feel special? Don't be a dork.

You know, like you're his most interesting person. - Yes. Yes, he does.

You know what? This is dumb. Let's just forget it.

Okay, okay. Okay. l say we vote on who had the best toast of the night.

And l'm gonna say me. No!

No way. What?

Me. Shut up.

And Grandpa McDevon came in second. Oh my God, that was amazing!

Alright, guys. I'm going in. l'll do it! Who's coming with me? lt's freezing, baby.

Let's get naked and go crabbing. Go masturbate in your room, Chip!

Oh, come on, as a respect to the host.

Leave your clothes on. No! Are you coming?

Tom, you didn't make a speech tonight. Yeah.

Yeah, dude, you've been suspiciously quiet. - Are you scared of Augusta?

No, l was having too much fun watching you guys make asses of yourselves.

Yeah. Well, how about giving one now?

Yeah! Speech! Speech!

Alright. l'll give you a speech.

Speech! Speech! Alright, I'll give a speech. Okay. Okay.

Screw that. l need to get on my stage over here. - Where's your stage?

Look here.

Okay. Alright. You want a speech? I'll give you a speech.

Speech! Let's hear it!

Alright. Make it good. Don't be boring.

As I gaze at this assembly of friends and family at this momentous occasion, only one thing comes to mind. Advertising!

We're all so messed up! Yeah!

Speak for yourself! l'm awesome.

Okay, okay, let me start this again.

We are all so uninspired.

Uninspired. We are so blind to the tiny, beautiful things. l saw Jake's tiny, beautiful thing.

No, l'm talking about the tiny, beautiful things that make life worth living.

Right? Like you, Weesie. Weesie?

The way you were walking across the grass before the rehearsal, that was beautiful.

Or how about Chip, after his toast?

The way all the sound just kind of fell out of the room, and all you could hear were forks and plates? - That was magical.

Or how about the sound as you're driving up to the house here?

It's gravel, grass, ocean. lt's verse, verse, chorus.

Wordsworth, Shelley, McDevon. McDevon!

The seven of us are friends. No, the seven of us are family.

We're everything to each other.

Sister, brothers, mother, nurse, shrink, opponent, rival.

We share a history and we share a goal: to inspire and to be inspired.

That, my friends, is imperative. And without that ...

Without that we got nothing.

Slow clap. Where's the cane?

Alright, the man is drunk! Where's the gong?

Seriously, you guys, thank you so much for coming.

So that's all l got. I'm sorry I was such a freak tonight.

Oh, and by the way ...


Where did he go?


Guys, l'm really worried. Why are you worried?

Because he disappeared in the ocean.

He's probably passed out on the lawn, freaking out about the wedding.

Cold feet, anyone? Yeah. l think we have a fugitive on our hands.

Why don't we look for the guy? Let's break into pairs and canvas the neighborhood.

Yeah. l love it.

Jake, I love it. I like the way you think. Get over here.

Alright. Alright.

Chip and I have spent a lot of quality time together. l know. Why don't we mix it up a bit? We switch partners, like a dinner party.

Search party, dinner party. Okay.

Dibs on Jake. Yes, you've such good taste. l know. Fine by me. Weesie?

Come on, l'm not that bad.

Wait! Lo! We haven't even made the plan yet!

What areas shall we cover? We'll cover the ... - Main house!

We'll cover the main house. Perfect.

Lo, remember: ten to midnight, on the porch! We promised Lila!

Okay, so, wait. If you were Tom, where would you be?

Doing my crunches.

Yeah? - Okay, yeah, but after you'd do your crunches?

I'd do 1000, but if l was done, I'd probably be in Lila's bed.

Yeah, that's her room right there. Want to take a last shot?

Me? Why don't you two les out again? How about that? - l'd love to.

Yes!

Oh, I really stepped on a rock. Hard.

You stepped on a rock? Yes. l like it in here. At least it's warm. I love it in here.

So, hey ... Yeah.

I saw your movie. What?

Yeah, I saw the torture one. l saw it. How? It's never even got released. l know. I downloaded it. I spend a long time on the internet.

Yeah, l bet you do. Wow, that is really embarrassing. l don't think you should be embarrassed. l thought you were really good in it.

You had a funny line about not wanting to die a blonde. I thought that was good.

You did? Yeah.

I came up with that line. Really? Oh, that's great.

Speaking of great lines ... Are you serious?

Why? What? Yeah. l don't know. lsn't that a little 80s?

Not when you mix it with Wellbutrin. Oh, cause Wellbutrin ... Of course.

So we're doing the guest house. Yep.

You trust him, right? Who? Jake? Of course.

Good. Cause I don't trust Tripler one bit.

Do you ever think there was something odd about the way Lila and Tom started dating?

The way that they started dating? Yeah. Remember? lt was right after we came here for that long weekend. Senior spring, remember? l mean, don't you think it was kind of odd? An odd coincidence?

I don't even know what you're talking about.

He asked her out like three days after we got back. Three days. - Three days. So?

So? Never mind that he was dating Laura, the girls were roommates.

You think that Tom started dating Lila because he coveted her parents' fortune?

You made that sound like an episode of "Dynasty". - That's what you're saying.

No. I'm just noting the dates. You're an idiot.

I'm not an idiot. I'm just saying. Something shitty about our friend.

Lila's lifestyle appealed to Tom just like Lila's perfect tits appealed to you.

Oh, l'm sure those appeal to Tom as well.

He's not here. No, doesn't seem to be.

Where do you think he is? That's a very good question.

It's one l need a drink to consider.

This must be really hard for you.

You drive half way to the North Pole, to watch the love of your life marry the pain of your existence.

And this is how they thank you? Honestly, Chip, l'm not in the mood.

It's ironic.

Asking you of all people to convince the groom to show up for this wedding.

I wish l could be there for the reunion.

"Oh, Tom, l thought you were lost!" "Oh, Laura, l was. Until l found you."

Aren't you supposed to be wearing some sort of ankle bracelet now?

That's funny! No, they just made me do some community service.

Ankle bracelet? - l'm gonna keep going and see if he overshot the house.

Good night!

You're not worried? Not at all.

Wedding day jitters is a universal affliction.

Did you freak out the night before your wedding?

Yeah, I spent the night before my wedding in a closet.

Of course, Tripler had locked me in it.

Darn! I hope Laura's okay.

She's fine. Chip was kind of a nightmare.

No worse than usual. And you don't think we should tell Lila?

Why worry her for no reason? God, l could have sworn I got another bottle. My God!

Where are you hiding from me?

Jackpot.

So when's the big date again? We haven't quite figured that out yet.

Are you excited? Very.

Are you scared? I figure l know what I'm in for.

We've been together for almost ten years. Wow! Are we that old?

And besides, if you and Trip are any indication, married life is bliss.

You do have a sense of humor!

To your glittering future. To your glittering future.

To our glittering futures. Futures. Yeah.

To ...

Come on, let's dance. - l'm already regretting this. Dancing and the coke.

You can never regret the dancing, ever. How do you want to dance?

Okay, show me your dance moves. Alright, well, it's a kiddy play.

That's a start. There's more. - Oh my God! I can't believe you can do that! l can do a lot of things you don't know about. - Do it again. l don't want to do it again, because ... Just do it one more time. lt would blow up the mission. Oh, that was so cool! I really loved it.

Hey, hey, hey. Laura!

I should go and let everyone know that you're okay. - Come here for a minute.

They're really worried about you. Please. Just ...

Don't go.

Nobody knows that I'm out here.

Exactly. And nobody knows that you're out here.

What's your point?

Maybe we can just hang out for a minute.

Nobody's gonna know the difference.


Why are you here? l don't know.

I thought l would swim half way across the bay for the chance to be alone with you.

You're so full of it. l'm fully serious.

So, are you excited about tomorrow? Oh, yeah.

What's your song? My song?

Your wedding song. Your first dance for the wedding. - Oh. I don't know.

Lila picked it.

Well, you're gonna have to dance anyway. You realize this?

And everyone will be watching. Yeah, well, I can hold my own.

Yeah? Yeah.

Well, let's see it. What? You ...

Okay.

No. No?

No. What?

Maybe you should show me. You could teach me something.

Come on.

So, what do l do?

Well, try not to step on her feet. Yeah, that might annoy Augusta a bit.

And try not to let her lead too much. You don't want to appear cautious. - Okay.


l owe you an apology. lt's okay. Don't talk about it.

So you forgive me? l wouldn't push your luck.

You know, heads up would have been nice.

You know, nothing major. Just ...

Just a quick e-mail. You know, "Hey, Laura. Hey."

"I saw you last night and countless others over the last ten years and ..."

"Not excluding the four years we dated in college,"

"and the year that we got back together to try again."

"And the handful of times we've slept together since."

"But you know that Lila and l are together now."

"Though l've struggled endlessly with this predicament, we both know the inevitable."

"So don't be surprised when she calls you and asks you to be her maid of honor."

Although, you know what? There is another approach.

It's less direct, but same effect. "Hey, Laura, great seeing you last night."

"Great movie, great meal, great sex. But the problem is ..."

"Greatness makes me sick."

"I'll see you at the wedding."

You know, on the other hand ... I mean ... Look, ten years of a loving friendship, sporadic, incredible sex, scattered with nights...

so fun they explained the evolutionary purpose of talking!

Not to mention the time that we've clocked together, listening to music, driving with no destination.

I guess this beautiful mess is best ended without notification.

Probably better.

l'm sorry.

Don't be. lt was a gift.

An act of cowardice so complete disqualifies a person from consideration. l tried to do what I thought was right. Okay? lt's not like l came at this lightly. Oh, no.

Laura, you're the one who broke up with me. - Oh, fuck you!

Laura, we were seniors in college! Don't even start.

What did you want to do? Get married at 21 ?

What is this? 1 950? No, it isn't.

We were too far apart! l was trying to finish my dissertation, practically living in the library!

You were doing God knows what in New York City, fending off your hipster boyfriends!

If you're gonna patronize me, try to think of something a little more original.

We gave it a college try out, Laura. Yeah, we did.

It was an accident of timing. Wow.

And let me guess. Your proposal was an accident too? You got the wrong woman?

Give me a freaking break. - You know what? What difference does it make?

Just stop talking. - Yeah. You know what? I think that would be a really good idea.

Come here. Listen to me.

I was a lifeguard in high-school. Do you remember that? - Yeah, l remember.

It was my favorite summer job. You and every other guy in America.

I would sit in that chair itching to get out, dying to get into the water.

And after eight hours my shift would end and l would make a break for it.

But as soon as l got into the water the strangest thing happened. l would start to panic. Ambivalence is a disease, you know.

An actual mental illness. That's not funny.

Let me guess. When you were a kid you would order chocolate ice cream, then immediately wish you'd have gotten vanilla?

That's not what l'm talking about. - No, I get it. You're torn between two women.

What I'm trying to say is ...

l'm afraid of the ocean.

I'll remember that the next time l swim on your clock.

You think you have some kind of a special gift for knowing what's in my heart? - No!

No, I think we both do for each other!

Has it occurred to you that l need a woman like Lila? - What kind of woman is that? l don't know. Somebody happy. Meaning numb?

Somebody practical. Meaning busy.

Confident. Meaning rich.

Somebody stable, who doesn't have to tear others down to build themselves back up!

In other words: you're polar opposite! Yeah. Yeah, maybe.

Well, haven't you heard? Opposites attract and then they bore each other to death!

Boring is better than maddening. l'd rather die of excitement.

Hey. What?

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Do you remember that paper, junior year?

Yeah, of course. "The Hopeless Romantics: Misconceptions of a Movement."

Yeah. Only you could start a 50 page paper the night before.

And still get an A-minus? Because l wrote it.

You maybe wrote half of it.

"Ode to a Nightingale. A Love Song to Inspiration."

The romantics weren't writing about love. They were writing about religion.

Then I'm not sure l know the difference.

"Forlorn! The very word is like a bell, Tolling me back from thee to my sole self!"

What's the next line? l can't remember.

Liar.

Anybody can make a big romantic gesture. The question is, what happens after?

Do you remember? Do you remember what you said to me that night?

Yeah, l remember everything. So, what did you say?

I said it was the perfect night. You said it was the perfect night.

So? So? How do I top that?

We had so much fun! We had so much fun!

So what's the problem?

The problem is every time we had one of these amazing nights, I would wake up the next morning in a freaking panic!

Why don't we spare each other a life of disappointment and get with somebody else?

That is the weakest excuse I have ever heard!

Just say it! Just say you're in love with Lila!

Do you want me to say that I want to marry you?

That l will spend the next 50 years regretting this very moment?

You inspired me!

You inspired me too. Then we're supposed to be together.

l know.

l'm gonna go and l'm gonna tell everyone that you're okay.

But I'm not. I'm not okay. You chose this.


No! No, you can't.

You're actually a lot of fun.

Thanks. Yeah. No, really. You're hilarious.

Your surprise is disturbing.

You just seem like you're about to have a breakdown half the time. Take a shot!

I'm marrying Jake, for Christ's sake. That's true. lt just got hot in here. Wait! Cheers me.

Cheers you.

Man, that stuff is strong. What did you say you put in it again?

Oh, l just crushed up some of my old lithium. - No!

Just joking, you wimp. Oh, man.

Hey, what was that?

What? l heard something.

Okay, there's no Tom here. Yes, there's not.

So, there goes your theory. l still say he's in Lila's room.

Why does everyone seem so happy? They're not.

Really? - Yeah. l mean, Laura's depressed, pretending to be happy.

Yeah. - Weenie's a mess who pretends to have her shit together.

Pete is a screw-up pretending to be a success.

And what about you? - l'm like a miserable bastard who's pretending to give a shit.

Wow. Yeah.

You had me fooled. Well, good.

And what am I? Well, at least you're honest.


Laura, Tripler, you're late. lt's me.

What are you doing here? We need to talk.

Honey, you know I'm superstitious. Please, just let me in.

What's the matter? Did something happen?

You're having a pre-wedding panic attack? Don't patronize me. Okay?

I love you. I love you too.

Yeah, but why? - Because you're smart and charming and handsome.

You make me feel safe and happy.

And when I'm with you even the most tedious things are fun and exciting.

And you're a very good kisser.

Thank you. It's true.

Why do you love me?

That's the thing. l don't ... I don't know.

I'm sorry. What? Oh, shit.

l'm so confused right now. You're not doing this now!

Why not now? Isn't now better than later? Okay. Alright. l'll tell you why you love me. Because you need me. - Yeah, well, so ...

We're so different!

We are. And when you're not behaving like a total freak, that's what makes us work.

Okay, you're patronizing me again. No, I'm not!

Why is emotion some kind of a mental illness with you?

It is, if you indulge in it all the time!

Don't you think I wanna freak out? Don't you think I wanna lose my shit?

Why do you get to be the one that drinks too much, that says scandalous things, that has wild mood swings?

Has it ever occurred to you that those are freedoms afforded to you by me?

Has it ever occurred to you that my emotions are just as intense? l just work harder to control them.

But why? You don't have to. I wish that you would lose it more.

Who? Who should l lose it to? My mom? My brother? You?

Take a look around you, Tom. Somebody's gotta keep their cool.

I just need you to hold it together for another 12 hours. Can you do that for me?

Yeah, l think so. Okay.

Now go find Pete and Jake and have a talk, before you cause us any more bad luck.

Okay.


William, wake up. I'm gonna panic. What's wrong? lt's going to rain.

Augusta, come on. William, will you wake up?

I'm up.


Who do you think helped sculpt the ice penis and all that? l did. I did.

Get out of town! l designed it.

Listen, the wildest thing that you've ever done... is roll down your window on the drive up here.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Is that a challenge? And what if it is? l'll race you to the front porch. We're talking fully dressed?

Fuck that. Buck naked.

Weesie. Yeah? l like this. l mean you. Let's do it.

Now we're talking. Take it off.

I haven't done anything worthwhile since I was 1 8.

What did you do when you were 1 8?

Cheated on my SATs and got into Yale. Oh.

Yeah, l was headed for greatness. Now l'm just headed for a breakdown.

Yeah.

No, now is where you say, "You know what, Trip? You're a great actress."

And l say, "You know what? Your novel is gonna change the world."

Oh, yeah? You know what, Trip? You're a great actress. - And your novel is ...


We don't really have to do this.

Yeah, let's not.

Funny idea, though.

You're not getting off that easy.

Oh, that's freezing!

Oh, shit, they're coming. What? Wait!

Minnow?

No, no, no, no, no!

Minnow! Look what l did accidentally.

Okay, okay, okay, calm down. Calm down.

She's probably gonna wake up first thing in the morning ... - I'm thinking.

Okay, okay, this is what we're gonna do. Okay.

You're gonna count to 1 00. l'm gonna go downstairs.

And when you hear me go into Lila's room, you're gonna make a break for it.

And we are gonna deal with this tomorrow.

Start counting.

One, two, three ...

Laura, Trip, you're late. lt's me.

You said you'd be here at midnight. Yeah, I know.

We're druggies, losers, assholes. l'm so sorry. - Where is everyone?

We all had so much to drink. I doubt anyone is still standing.

Pete! lt's Pete.

Pete, who makes the world go round. Pete! Pete!

Pete, who makes the world go round.

Dude! - I just will never get your alternative lifestyle, dude.

What's up, dude? What's up, man?

Hey, listen. You want a sweater or something? l ain't a for real cowboy, but I am one hell of a stud.

Here you go, sir. Hey, is this cashmere?

So sorry. I was ... lt's fine. Where's Laura? Oh, God, I don't know where she is. l saw her go into the house about an hour ago. She said she was going to sleep.

What is up with the toga situation? Oh ... Don't ask.

What? lt's ... I couldn't find my ... Dress? lt's just ... How are you? Are you ...


Any luck? No. You?

No. This is bad.

I'm sure Chip and Laura found him by now. Yeah, if they're even still together.

Lila is gonna kill us.

We should tell her. - No! We should not tell her, cause she's gonna freak out.

That would be an appropriate response. Why are you trying to cover your butt? l'm not trying to cover my butt. l did nothing wrong!

You guys, we should just give him a few more hours.

There's no point in getting everyone worked up if we can avoid it.

Exactly my point.

Alright. Everybody in favor of telling Lila? - We all are.

Everybody in favor of not telling Lila?

Fine. We'll just wait until it's light.

Okay. Okay.

Alright. Okay.


"Forlorn!

The very word is like a bell tolling me back from thee to my sole self!

Adieu!

The fancy cannot cheat so well as she is famed to do, deceiving elf.

Adieu! Adieu!

Thy plaintive anthem fades past the near meadows, over the still stream, Up the hill side and now tis buried deep in the next valley glades.

Was it a vision or a waking dream?

Fled is that music. Do I wake or do l sleep?


Look, there she is. Lo.

Hey.

Have you seen him? - Us either. We're gonna tell Lila right now.

Wait. What is it? Where were you last night?

Where were you last night? Oh, my God. You were with him.

Trip, leave her alone. No, she was.

Why do you think that? Come on, Lo, fess up.

Guys ... - We don't have time for this right now. Let's go.

Come on.


Minnow!

Look what she did!

Oh, darling, that's a ... That's nothing. We have enough time. It can be fixed.

Really? This will be fine. l can fix it.

Lila, don't. Don't! Lila! She didn't mean it!

You're so dead! Stop!

Li, there's something we need to tell you. What is it?

Tom's missing. Last night.

No, he's not. I saw Tom last night.

Are you kidding me? That's great! Where is he now? - There he is.

Hey! Take a look there.

You're getting my credit now.

Getting ready? Yeah.

Big swim you went for. - lt's bad luck for you to see each other before the wedding.

Weesie, shut up.

l'm gonna go get ready.

Me too. Okay.


Lila! Honey!


Hey. Hey.

You good? Yeah. Yeah, I'm a little ...

Wearing your lucky tie there? Yeah, it... Fuck, l don't know ...

You having some trouble tying the knot there, buddy?

l'll be here all night.

You might want to shave. Oh shit, I forgot to shave! Okay.

Alright, what do you guys think of the hair? There?

Or ... Or there?

Chose a side.


The dresses look pretty. Oh, yeah.

Looks great.

That's eleven minutes.

Where have you been? l'm gonna need help with my zipper.

How's my make-up? Revolting.

And the hair? Trashy.

Have you seen my dress? Tacky choice.

Thank you. Okay, perfect.

Oh, my God! l'm getting married!

Minnow?

Come on in!

Oh, you look beautiful.

Oh, shit! l left the bouquets downstairs. Could someone get them for me? - l will.

Thank you! Alright. What do you need? l believe I need to get dressed. Yes, we'll do that.


There you are. I was starting to think you'd run off with those.

Minnow. l'm sorry.

It's alright. You're just in time. No, not about the flowers.

l saw Tom last night. - That's nice. Did you two get a chance to catch up?

I found him when he was missing. The years as a girl scout paid off.

No, he wasn't lost. He was hiding. l know all about his meltdown. That's not what I mean.

Honey, you look so beautiful! Girls, it's time to process. Let's go.

What do you mean? Mother, come here.

I mean Tom wasn't alone last night. He was with me. We were together.

Why are you telling me this right now? This doesn't concern me! - lt doesn't?

Laura ... Trip, why don't we go check on the boys?

I'd be concerned if the groom wasn't a wreck the night before his wedding.

Well, if he was in love with someone else, would that concern you?

Laura, this chapter is over.

Li, I love him. Yes. And I feel sorry for you.

You know I have tried to change these feelings.

I've done everything. Other guys, other towns, other jobs ...

They say that it gets easier with time, but it doesn't.

If anything, the more time passes, the more I miss him!

Unrequited love is the perfect romantic construct.

Two cowardly people can act out a fantasy of love without facing any consequences.

Li, you know he feels the same way. He always has and you know that!

You're my maid of honor! - And I have done everything to fulfill that obligation.

I thought that l could get through this. l did.

But I can't and he can't either. He doesn't want this either!

Do you remember sophomore year? The Christmas party where you wore my dress?

The red one I bought especially for the event? You took that too, without asking.

And when I went to get ready, my dress was missing. - You know what? l picked that dress out, when we were on Chapel Street.

We saw it in the window at Nellie's! And you remember!

I picked it out and then you went back and you bought it! l was the editor of "Lit"! It was my night! It was my occasion!

Or the time I got the apple tattoo and then a week later you got the same one?

You saw me draw that in "19th century novel", okay?

And then all of a sudden you show up and you have it branded on your tailbone!

Every year of college l provided you meticulous notes before the finals ...

You feel entitled to my things ... They're mine!

They're mine! Because you want them!

Yeah. But you win, Lila.

You provided me with the meticulous study notes, but I inspired your best ideas!

And when you got together with Tom, senior spring, l was still dating him!

Why are you doing this to me right now?

Because you're about to marry a man and l don't think you should.

You just can't bear to see me happy and so you have to trash it with your emotions!

No. You deserve to be with someone who is in love with you totally and completely.

How dare you pass this off as an act of friendship? This is sabotage!

No. This takes courage. Courage? That's funny. l am not trying to hurt you. Yes, you are. That is your intention.

This has nothing to do with Tom. lt's about me and you and your envy!

Okay.

You can't do this. You can't. You can't bully me any more.

Obviously l am torn. And as your friend, l do want what is best for you.

But l can't keep putting you ahead of me forever!

My God, you're delusional. You actually believe you're entitled to my fiancé!

This is not a difficult or complicated situation, Laura. This is very simple.

I won and you're jealous. Jealous?

No.

I pity you.

Your groom is in love with another woman.

He asked me to marry him, not you.

All this is certainly tragic, debatably interesting, but ... lt really doesn't matter any more, because he's marrying me in ten minutes.

Li, he cheated on you.

No. You did.

Oh, my God, can I move yet?


l'm sorry about last night.

I was out of line. Yeah, you were.

Maybe l do need that ankle bracelet.

Seriously, l'm really sorry.


Thank you.

Love is like the ocean. Vast, seemingly endless.

Rocky at times, peaceful at others.

Daunting for all its unexplored depths, but a constant source of wonder and amazement.

Tom and Lila have written their own vows, in an expression of their creativity.

Lila ...

Lila, when I ...

Lila, when l look at you, l'm speechless.

I literally have nothing to say.

And l ... lf I ...

Did you feel that? What?

No.

Lila, words fail the depth and complexity of my feelings for you.

l need canons of literature, unwritten books, an entirely new language.

But the thing is, without words l have nothing. l have nothing.

And l ... lf I ...

Maybe I should say it for you.

Guys!