The Rules of Attraction (2002) Script

It's a story that might bore you, but you don't have to listen 'cause I knew it'd be like that.

[ROCK MUSIC]

And it was in that last year, or actually weekend, really a Friday in December at Camden, years ago when I was a different person, I was so drunk that I ended up losing my virginity.

I lost it to a guy I thought was a ceramics major, but who was either an NYU film student there for The End Of The World, or a townie.

I actually had my eye on someone else that night. Victor.

[VICTOR] With European girls, it's just a numbers game.

If you stand in any European city and you ask every girl that walks by if she'll fuck you, one in 20 will say yes.

A drama major just back from Europe.

Only a little gay, with flecked blond hair, a great body, and amazing grey eyes.

Bam, 20th one and you're fucking! It's a confirmed statistic, man!

But Victor was fucking my room-mate Lara. She gave him mono before he dumped her.

I'm told that, after I left Camden, she got really drunk and went wandering through Windham House and did the whole football team.

[ROCK MUSIC]

She's now married to a senator and has four kids. How time distorts things.

So you know the movie?

It was labelled a Tarantino film even though he was credited as an executive producer...

So this guy from NYU, who wasn't even a good Victor facsimile, and I were talking on this ratty old couch.

I'm sure you've seen this Russian movie... Yeah, yeah.

I kept agreeing with his likes and dislikes, all the time thinking that, while he might not be Victor, he was cute enough.

..real shit.

I was sure I was mispronouncing the film-makers' names, remembering the wrong actors, naming the wrong cinematographers, but I wanted him.

..same kind of silent movie actors' quality.

Has anyone ever told you that you look like Clara Bow? You do!

I'm serious. I know these things and...

I could see that his gaze was drifting toward Kristin Notneff.

She looked back with confidence because she knew, underneath her clothes, she had on a black bra with matching panties, which I didn't.

Oh, sorry, what was I talking about?

But I had the next best thing.

I've got a joint in my room.

Except it wasn't my room.

It was Lorna Slavin's room, who was at her boyfriend's house probably swallowing his DNA.

And I didn't have a joint either and, if I did, it would have been Lorna Slavin's joint.

He wouldn't have cared if I had one or not.

I must have passed out around then.

When I came to, he was fucking me, but he didn't know I was a virgin and it hurt.

Not that badly, not as bad as I'd been taught to expect, but not exactly pleasant either.

I heard another voice in the room.

I wanna see you do her like Ron Jeremy would.

I remember the weight on the bed shifting and realising that this person behind me wasn't the NYU student, but somebody else.

Oh, my God, it was some townie!

I had actually lost my virginity to a townie.

This wouldn't have happened with Victor.

He would've taken me gently in his big, strong drama major arms and undressed me quietly and expertly.

Taken my bra off with grace and ease and it probably wouldn't have hurt.

I should've given myself to Victor last term when I had the chance.

We gotta put the keg somewhere. Not there, it's fucking my shot.

Get the fuck out before you ruin my movie!

Gross! Much better!

I always knew it was gonna be like this.

[TALKS BACKWARDS]

I just get the feeling my life lacks forward momentum.

Like everything is moving by so quickly that time just seems to stop.

[POOL BALLS CLACK]

I can't believe the shit that spills outta my mouth.

I talk about God knows what, I let my eyes drift across the room.

As my mouth allows thoughts to drop out of my brain and roll off my tongue like gumballs, I imagine the things in life that never were and all the things that could have been.

[RHYTHMIC MUSIC]

He'll do. Oh, I like this song!

"Gay Song Definitely."

Do you have any E? It makes your spinal fluid run backwards.

I may have some up in my room. You're game, right?

Uh...I...

No one's twisting your arm.

Why am I trying to convince you? Let's do it.

Whoa! I think it's kicking in.

I feel it now, too. The truth is I feel nothing.


What the fuck...!

Sorry, I thought you were gay. Fuck you! I'm no fag!

You sure about that? I definitely detected a certain fagginess to you.

Get the fuck outta here, homo!

I'm not gay! You're lucky I don't kill you!

Luck has nothing to do with it. Everything is preordained. Manifest destiny.

You can stop time no more than you can will the oceans to overwhelm the world or cause the moon to drop.

Three months later, he had a gay affair, within a year he was a queen and telling people I couldn't get it up.

Luck has nothing to do with anything.

[TALKS BACKWARDS]


A numb feeling washes over me as I let go of the past and look forward to the future.

I pretend to be a vampire. I don't really need to pretend because it's who I am.

An emotional vampire.

I've just come to expect it.

That vampires are real, that I was born this way.

That I feed off other people's real emotions.

I search for this night's prey.

Who will it be?

You look familiar. Have we met?

I think I fucked her at the beginning of term. The Wet Wednesday Party.

No. What's your name?

Peter. Really?

Aren't you a senior? No, a freshman.

Really? I thought you were older. No, I'm a freshman.

Peter. Peter the freshman.

She has dick-sucking lips, so I consider the options.

I can leave now, go back to my room.

Play the guitar.

Masturbate to internet porn.

I'm gonna come on those tits!

Go to sleep.

Or play quarters with Dicky and Quinlivan and that dumb guy from LA.

Or I could take her for coffee and ditch her with the bill.

Or I could take her back to my room, hope the Frog's gone, get stoned and fuck her.

So what do you think?

What do I think?

I think, why not?

Rock 'n' roll.

She slowly followed me back to my dorm room, too eager, too stunned to speak.

I was so excited, I couldn't stop shaking and I dropped the key.

♫ ..and then I begin... ♫ I played her a song that I'd written myself, then segued into one by Counting Crows.

I played it quietly and sang the lyrics slowly and softly.

She was so moved that she actually started to cry.

Maybe it was the Ecstasy that she was on. Maybe she thought she really loved me.

He instantly went hard. She was crying, but she let him pull her clothes off.

She smelled like sweet fruit. Her snatch was small. Pubic hair light and sparse.

Yet when he fingered her, he felt nothing. She wasn't getting wet, though she moaned.

He was semi-stiff and losing his erection. Something was wrong, was missing.

He didn't know what.

[GIRL GASPS]

Confused, he started to fuck her.

[GIRL GASPS]

Before he came, it hit him.

He can't remember the last time he had sex sober.

[GIRL GASPS] Peter, Peter! Oh, Peter!

[MUSIC: "AIDA GRAND MARCH" BY VERDI]


[THE CURE] ♫ This is stranger than I thought Six different ways inside my heart

♫ And every one I'll keep tonight Six different ways go deep inside

♫ I'll tell them anything at all

♫ I know I'll give them more and more

♫ I'll tell them anything at all

♫ I know I'll give the world and more

♫ They think I'm on my hands and head

♫ This time they're much too slow

♫ Six sides to every lie I say

♫ It's that American voice again

♫ It was never quite like this before Not one of you's the same

♫ To do do doo...

You sneaky bitch!

"Got you. You're mine now for the rest of the day, week, month, year, life.

"Have you guessed who I am? Sometimes I think you have.

"Sometimes, when you're scanning a crowd, your sultry eyes stop on me.

"Are you afraid to let me know how you feel?

"I want to moan and writhe with you.

"I want to kiss your mouth and say love you, love you, love you, while stripping.

"I want you so bad, it stings. I want to kill the ugly girls you're with.

"Do you really like those boring, naive, coy girls or is it just for sex?

"The seeds of love have taken hold and, if we won't burn together, I'll burn alone."

♫ This, this is stranger than I ever thought ♫

What... How she do that?

What's goin' on? Gonna have to sell that bike of yours!

Why? Where's my money, college boy?!

Do you take American Express? That's not funny!

You like that? They taught it in the army.

One of 17 hand-to-hand combat methods of rendering your enemy defenceless.

All I gotta do is apply pressure to rip your carpals free from your metacarpals and you will be unable to operate your weapon!

I'm not your enemy, Rupert, I don't have a weapon.

That's why you get a little time, homes.

Do you want some coke? Sure.

Then buy your own, bitch! Get the fuck outta my crib and get me my money!

There's an orgy tonight at Booth House.

I'm scoring for some freshmen. They're rich, they want cocaine. What do you think?

I think you're a rich motherfucking motherfucker who owes me a fucking shitload of motherfucking cash!

That's what I think, you rich motherfucker!

You want some blow, motherfucker? You bring me my motherfucking cash!

Fuck you! Jesus fucking Christ, don't get so tense!

I'll show you tense! You're into me for a fuckload of money!

I think you and your motherfucking rich-kid friends are gonna take off to all your rich-ass lives, leaving me holding my motherfucking dick!

So fuck you!

Rupert, I'm not like those rich assholes!

I'm on financial aid! I'm from a fucking farm in Nebraska!

My family had to sell the fucking cow to get me here!

Bullshit! My father's in the hospital, OK? I...

My family's strapped for cash. I might have to drop out.

Really? The Lord is my witness, yes.

You don't have any fucking cash? No.

I had to work all summer just to pay for this term.

I thought you went home to New York for the summer.

That's what I told people so they wouldn't laugh at me.

I actually had to wash pigs all summer.

Jesus Christ, man, I can get these kids to overpay. They're desperate for drugs.

I'm your key to moving this shit. You need me. I need the cash. We need each other.

Get this straight, fuckhead! I need you like I need a motherfucking asshole on my elbow!

Right here! An asshole!

That's how much I need you!

What you think, Guest? I think you should sniff less cocaine.

Stop leaving the gun lying around on the table.

Leave the boy alone before him piss in panty!

[GUEST CHUCKLES]

You know I'm just fuckin' with you, baby, right?

Right.

[SNIFFS LOUDLY]

What kind of mark-up you think you can get?

Well, that depends on how stepped-on it is. Stepped on? Guest, is our shit stepped-on?

No, man, it fresher than the morning snow! What wrong with him?

Maybe 20% over market value.

50% , you say? Hot damn, college boy, that's some good motherfucking math!

I do believe we have ourselves a deal.

Do we have ourselves a deal? Sure.

Good. Time for you to get to work.

Sometimes...a minute...

..will last...like an hour, you know... or other times...

..an hour just...just...zips by...

..like a minute.

You know, it's all subjective.

Every person...

..perceives it...perceives it differently.

It's like... That's why you can't trust clocks, you know.

Marc...you owe me 500 bucks.

I want it by Sunday.

OK?

You notice there aren't any clocks in my room

'cause they...they interfere with your ability to...

..to adjust the time to...

..to...to suit your needs, you know.

Marc... Do not be a slave to time...

..my friend, 'cause... [SNIFFS]

..it...uh... there's no point.

Oh! Oh! I...I can feel my dick!

I can feel my dick!

[GASPS] Oh, my God!

Hey! Fucking hey! What about the cash?!

Marc, what about the fucking cash?! What class...man?

Who teaches that? Fucking...

Just...go away, huh?

Just...stop bugging me, just stop asking me. Stop kicking my fucking bed.

Stop...you know...

I'll get you your fuck... Just don't fuck my karma, dude! Don't fuck it up!

[PLAYS ODD NOTES]

[PLAYS TUNELESSLY]


[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS BACKWARDS]

[KIDS SHOUTING AND SCREAMING]

♫ Get yourself together Get yourself together

♫ Shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake

♫ Get yourself together... ♫

Hi, Mitch. What's up?

Not very much. Uh, what's up with you?

Not much. Can we talk?

What do you wanna talk about?

What's going on. Hey!

I warned you. Remember that.

I know, I know.

Wait, what did you warn me about?

I warned you!

Wait, Mitch!

Mitch, don't be such a pussy!

I am warning you again! I don't know what your fucking problem is!

Just stay the fuck aw... Hey.

Hey, guys. Is there some sort of problem, Paul and Mitchell?

No, I... You two know each other?

Yeah. Hi.

Hi. [SCREAMS]

Mitch, I'm kinda through partying tonight.

Do you want to...uh... walk me back to my room?

My room-mate's at her boyfriend's tonight.

Yeah? What about you, Paul? What are you doing?

Come on, let's go. It might be fun!

Come on.

Let's go. You know you want to.

Later, guy. Bye, Paul. Maybe next time.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]


Excuse you.

Sean Bateman, right? Right.

Paul.

Right.

Who's the girl with Mitchell? You mean Candice?

Her name is Candice.

I had a class with her, but I failed it. Really?

My type of guy!

Fucking keg's dead. Typical. I wish I had a case of beer.

Quesadilla? What?

Quesadilla. Mexican food. El Sombrero. El Sombrero closed a long time ago.

How about tomorrow night? I'll buy. I don't know.

You'll buy? Totally buy.

Rock 'n' roll. Tomorrow, then.

[ALARM CLOCK BEEPS]

[DONOVAN] ♫ Yellow is the colour of my true love's hair

♫ In the morning

♫ When we rise

♫ In the morning

♫ When we rise

♫ That's the time ♫ That's the time

♫ I love the best...

How can you go out this early? I got a class.

It's Saturday.

[ALARM BEEPS]

Merde! What is it? Turn off that fucking thing!

[ALARM BEEPS]

[BEEPS CONTINUE]

♫ Blue is the colour of the sky

♫ In the morning

♫ When we rise

♫ In the morning

♫ When we rise

♫ That's the time ♫ That's the time

♫ I love the best...

Hold it!

[SNORING]

[FARTS]

♫ Mellow is the feeling that I get

♫ When I see her

♫ Oh, yeah

♫ That's the time ♫ That's the time

♫ I love the best

♫ Freedom is a word I rarely use

♫ Without thinking

♫ Oh, yeah

♫ Without thinking

♫ Of the time ♫ Of the time

♫ When I've been loved

♫ Yellow is the colour of my true love's hair

♫ In the morning

♫ When we rise

♫ In the morning

♫ When we rise

♫ That's the time ♫ That's the time

♫ I love the best...


Hi. Hey. You here for that class?

The tutorial on the post-modern condition? Yeah.

It was cancelled.

Typical. Never seen you there before.

That's what's typical. First time I showed up for it.

Yeah. You've got bad timing.

Saturdays suck ass. I don't have to put up with this shit. I'm dropping this fucking class.

Yeah, me too. Really?

Mm-hm. I think I'm gonna change my major. To what?

I don't know yet. What's yours? I don't even know.

[SHE SIGHS]

Your name's Sean Bateman, right? Right. Your name is Lauren.

Yeah. I bought pot from you last year. It was good. A little seedy, though.

You used to go out with Paul Denton.

Yeah...before.

Show me your eyes.

♫ When I see her

♫ When I see her, oh, yeah...

Rock 'n' roll.

♫ That's the time ♫ That's the time

♫ I love the best...

Maybe I'll see you at the next Pre-Saturday Party Party...Sean Bateman.

♫ Freedom is a word I rarely use

♫ Without thinking

♫ Oh, yeah

♫ Without thinking

♫ Of the time ♫ Of the time

♫ When I've been loved ♫

[SERGE GAINSBOURG] ♫ L'ami Caouette me fait la tête

♫ Qu'a Caouette?

♫ La p'tite Noé veut plus m'parler

♫ Qu'a Noé?

♫ L'ami Cao? M'a mis KO

♫ Qu'a Cao?

♫ La p'tite Ramel m'est infidèle

♫ Qu'a Ramel?

♫ M'sieur Hannibal m'mine le moral ♫ Oh, my God, Harry tried to kill himself!

[PAUL] That is typical. I knew something like this was gonna happen.

I just had a feeling there'd be some obstacle to prevent my evening with Sean happening.

You gotta come to Fel's house. He's there. Shit, Paul, we've got to do something!

That's way too gay.

Um...call Security. Trust me, they'll be there within an hour.

Security? Security? What do you need, a formal fucking invitation?!

I gotta be out at seven!

You are killing Harry! Pull it together! March!

What did he do? Try and OD on Sudafed and wine coolers?

Oh, my God! I brought Paul!

What did he take? I don't know!

Oh, Harry, sweetie! He's gonna get his death of cold!

We should take him to hospital. Are you crazy?

What else is there? I have to meet someone.

Fuck your meeting! Get the car, Raymond! Grab his feet!

Jesus, this is so typical.

He found out he was adopted. Stop. I need some cigarettes.

We have somebody OD'ing back here! He's not OD'ing.

He's a freshman. Freshmen don't OD. Fuck you, Paul!

He's throwing up! Open the fucking window!

He's not throwing up. What do you call that "krrrr" sound?!

Dry heaves. There's a lot of air in his stomach.

Maybe we should be inducing vomiting. Should I pull the car over?

Can I change the CD? Shut up!

You're gonna be OK.

♫ Blue-eyed dressed for every situation

♫ Moving through the doorway of a nation ♫

[MUFFLED PANICKED VOICES]

Come on, Harry! Grab his arm!

Oh, God! OK, you're gonna make it!

[BOTH] Help! Help! We need some help! This guy's OD'ing!

Get him into the emergency room! I'm on my break.

Is there anybody else around here? Oh, please take care of Harry!

You gotta take of him! Move, move, move.

Please, would you just get him up?! His name's Harry. Please help him!

Harry! Harry.

I'm not getting any pulse. Is this a joke?

I can see him moving. He's not dead. He's dead, Paul! Shut up!

Oh, God! And how did this happen exactly?

[BOTH] Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! [PAUL] Will you shut up!

He's not dead. He hasn't got a pulse or a heartbeat.

His pupils are fixed and dilated. Harry, come back!

Sorry, there's nothing more I can do here. You have to do something!

I've seen this on "ER". Fix him! Harry's gone to the big bye-bye.

He's got his name in the papers on the back side. It's toe tag time in Teenville tonight.

Teenville? You should've just said no, Harry.

I'm not dead, am I? Yes, you are! Shut up!

You don't have a pulse. I think you're dead. Let me run a few tests...

You're looking at a malpractice suit! Harry is dead.

[ALL SHOUT AT ONCE]

A few tests on Harry and I'm sure I could prove he's dead.

No! You leave the pain and suffering!

I insist you bring back the corpse for me to do some tests.

Ugh! Is your deterrent to the party working?

Sort of. The best would be Victor, though.

Enough fantasising. Victor is 3,000 miles away. Use the book.

How do I look?

You look kinda skinny, actually. Skinny? Really?

Bulimic skinny or anorexic skinny? What's the difference?

Bulimic passes for healthy except your teeth rot, but my teeth aren't, so...

So you look bulimic skinny?

Lauren, it's amazing the weight you lose when you get off the pill.

Until you get knocked up. OK, we'll do the math.

If the condom is 98% safe and he wears two, then you're 196% safe.

A much better percentage than the pill. It doesn't work that way, Lara.

Abstinence is 100% safe, which is less...

Whatever. I don't major in math. Are you coming or not?

I don't know. Lauren, listen to your friend and room-mate.

If you wait for Victor, you'll never lose your virginity.

You can't just wait for destiny. Make it happen.

[BOY RETCHES]

[RAP MUSIC: "SEI DEIN EIGENER HELD" BY JENS "DER WOLF" ALBERT]


Is she coming?

I doubt it. Why?

She's been looking at the book. What book?

A book of venereal diseases.

It discourages her from hooking up with people like you.

It's got some pretty nasty imagery. It helps keep her focused on her homework.

She's not coming, then. Nope.

So why don't you get me another beer?

[GERMAN RAP SONG CONTINUES]

Hey, Sean. Sorry I'm late. What?

There was this whole thing. I had to take a freshman to the hospital. Anyhow, I'm...

What the fuck are you talking about? I'm here.

Never mind. Um...I'll make it up to you.

You don't have to. I know, but I want to. I insist.

Whatever. Really.

I have some pot in my room if you wanna get stoned.

You have pot? In my room, yeah.

Want a beer? Let's go.

Hey. Hey, Lauren. Um...this is...

Jim. Jim from Dartmouth.

Hi. Brewski for youski?

Sure. Hey, you want it, you got it.

He thinks it's the Dressed To Get Screwed Party. I'll give him to you.

No, that's OK. You sure?

I haven't seen Victor around. What about Sean Bateman? Seen him?

Yeah. Actually, Sean just ran off with Paul.

Paul Denton? Uh-huh.

You serious? You don't think...? No!

I don't know. No.

He must just be selling him something. [BOTH] Must be, yeah.

OK, so are you out on the prowl again? Yeah, that book's just not...not doing it.

No? Uh-uh.

Good. Well, just don't wait up for me. OK?

OK! OK.

OK!

Miss Lauren Hynde.

Why weren't you at my tutorial last Saturday?

Would you like a drink?


[SIGHS]

[MUSIC: "AIDA GRAND MARCH" BY VERDI]

Come here.

All right? Uh-hm.

Do you want a turn-on? No, thanks.

Well...

..don't mind if I do.

So are we gonna do it here on the couch? Do what?

You know, do it?

What? Fuck?

Are you mad? I'd lose my tenure.

And I'm a married man.

Aren't you hitting on me?

For a hummer, sure.

I've heard you're talented, Miss Hynde.

And it certainly can't hurt your GPA.

So...shall we?

[CHORUS FROM "AIDA"]

[MUSIC RISES TO A CLIMAX]

So where did you spend last summer? Berlin.

Sprechen Sie Deutsch?

What? Do you speak German?

No!

What the fu... You don't?

No. Why? Well, I don't know.

I just assumed since you spent the summer in Berlin, I thought...

No. Berlin, New Hampshire.

Oh.

[SEAN] I need to get some more pot. I'm running out.

And I need to get laid.

Where the fuck was Lauren tonight? That Lara girl was kinda hot.

I could bang her and feel good about it. I'd rather have Lauren. I wonder why.

It would just ruin my illusion of her innocence...her purity.

Whoa! Is that really what I want?

I need to fuck someone. Then I need to get more pot.

[PAUL] I watched him with growing intensity as he refilled the pipe in the smoky room.

He fingered what looked like moss and it struck me that I liked Sean because he looked, well, slutty.

A boy who'd been around and couldn't remember if he was Catholic or not.

[LOVE AND ROCKETS] ♫ I'm so alive


♫ Don't know what colour your eyes are, baby

♫ But your hair is long and brown

♫ You're legs are strong and you're so, so long

♫ And you don't come from this town

♫ My head is full of magic, baby

♫ And I can't share this with you

♫ I feel I'm on top again, baby

♫ That's got everything to do with you-hoo-hoo

♫ I'm alive

♫ I'm so alive ♫

[MOANS OF PLEASURE]

Look at that chick's cans!

Implants. I like the feel of fake tits.

[PHONE RINGS]

I need to get cable in my room. Hello? Hi, Mom.

[TV OFF]

What's going on?

[SEAN] You are one dirty bitch!

Tomorrow? The Jareds are coming? Oh.

This weekend? I have a lot of school work. How about next weekend?

Faggoty sitcom, faggoty sitcom... Richard?

Uh...OK. Yeah, you too.

I have to go into the city tomorrow night. Rock 'n' roll.

Wanna go? No.

Dressed To Get Screwed Party's tomorrow. I know. I don't wanna leave you here alone.

Deal with it. I'm borrowing these. Wait.

Would you give me a ride to the bus station tomorrow?

Whatever. Look, I gotta meet my adviser.

[MOANS OF PLEASURE]

I shouldn't be leaving. He'll sleep with someone else.

It's the Dressed To Get Screwed Party, for Christ's sake! What the fuck am I doing?

I love you, Sean Bateman.

[SEAN] I wonder if Lauren goes wild during sex.

I wonder if she comes easily...or at all.

I won't go to bed with a girl who doesn't. If I can't make a girl come, why bother?

Hmm...I'm hungry.


"Tonight's the night, tonight's the night, tonight's the night, tonight's the night..."

[SNIFFS]

Tonight's the night? Yep, I'm going all the way.

Who's the lucky boy? Not telling.

You will if you want me out of the room! OK.

Sean Bateman. He's a drug dealer.

He made me zhing! Zhing? What?

Something amazing's gonna happen.

Zhing! Like it just fucking fucks you right up the... It's like...zhing!

No, I've never had that. You will someday.

You might be afflicted with synaesthesia. What?

It causes you to hear what you see and see what you hear.

It's a combination of your senses.

You really should get that checked out. Prozac might help.

What?

Rusty pipes!

♫ Rubbin' sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite

♫ And the thought of loving you is getting so exciting

♫ Sky rockets in flight

♫ Afternoon delight... ♫

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Can I talk to Sean Bateman? I think he lives upstairs.

Yeah? Sean.

Who is this? Patrick? Who the hell's Patrick? No, it's Paul.

Paul? Yeah. Remember me?

No. This better be good.

I was wondering what was going on. Who's Patrick?

None of your business. What do you want? Were you asleep?

No, of course not. What ARE you doing?

I'm just getting ready to go to the party.

With Patrick? No.

With the person who's leaving me notes.

Are you? Deal with it.

Are you just fucking with me? Rock 'n' roll.

Motherfucker!

Who?

Oh, Jesus Christ! Richard, is that you?

It's Dick! And, yes, it's me.

[GARGLES]

What the hell are you doing? Getting fucked up.

Maybe getting fucked.

Ohhh! Richard, oh, Richard.

Oh, oh! Oh, yeah, you're turning me on [!]

Paul...you remember Mrs Jared.

Of course. Hello, Mrs Jared.

I leave you for five minutes and you're drinking! I'm drunk!

Well, then, take a shower and sober up. Oh, will my tortures never end?

How are you, Paul? Fine.

Would you talk to him? He'll listen to you.

Come on, Myra. See you both downstairs in 15 minutes.

Mm?

[RICHARD CHUCKLES]

You wanna take a shower with me... for old times' sake?

Want one? What are they?

Does it matter? No.

[GEORGE MlCHAEL] ♫ I guess it would be nice If I could touch your body

♫ I know not everybody Has got a body like you

♫ But I gotta think twice Before I give my heart away

♫ And I know all the games you play Because I play them too...

Surprised me. [YAWNS]

So when she showed up...

♫ Oh, oh, baby, I reconsider my foolish notion

♫ Well, I need someone to hold me But I'll wait for something more

♫ Yes, I gotta have faith Ooh, I gotta have faith

♫ Because I gotta have faith

♫ I gotta have faith, faith, faith

♫ Got to have faith

♫ Before this river becomes an ocean

♫ Before you throw my heart back on the floor

♫ Oh, oh, baby, I reconsider

♫ My foolish notion

♫ Well, I need someone to hold me But I'll wait for something more

♫ 'Cause I gotta have faith I gotta have faith

♫ 'Cause I gotta have faith, faith, faith I gotta have faith, faith, faith ♫

[MRS DENTON] Then I realised my Cadillac had been stolen.

The police couldn't have cared less. They said my insurance would take care of it.

Frankly, I was getting sick of the colour, you know.

I'm gonna ask you one more time, Richard. Kindly remove your sunglasses.

Then why don't you tell us about school? Mm. Tell us about school.

Ciggie. Oh, don't smoke!

You're not allowed to smoke here, I don't think.

My name is not Richard.

Well, then, what is it? Dick.

What? Dick! You heard me. Dick.

No, your name is Richard.

Sorry, it's Dick.

Then...Dick...how is school?

It sucks co-o-o-ck!

[MRS DENTON COUGHS]

Yeah, it does. And what classes are you taking, Dick?

Gang Bang 101 , Freebase tutorial, and Oral Sex Workshop.

How are you liking that, Dick? Mmm, mmm!

Yeah! Mmmm!

How do you like that?

What has happened to you? What do you mean? What do YOU think?

I can see what that school has done. Maybe Paul and I should go...

No! No, no! No?

If anyone's going to leave, it's Richard. [SHOUTS] It's Dick!

All right, leave the table now, Richard. Why?!

Wh-h-h-h-hy?

I am asking you to leave the table now.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] I will not leave the table, no! No!

Leave the table!

Well, fuck yo-o-o-o-o-u!

And fuck you and fuck you, pretty boy!

And fuck you all very much!

I'm outta here.

Have a good one!

[LAUGHS TO HIMSELF]

Ahem.

Oh, everything's fine now.

I-I'm really terribly sorry.

Are you sure? Oh, positive.

My son isn't well. Yeah.

He's, well, not well. He's been under a lot of stress with midterms starting.

I would like another Vodka...Collins. Eve, would you like anything?

Yes...uh... Well, I mean no, no. Oh, go ahead.

Well... Get her another one. Please.

Thank you, Paul. Sure, Mom.

You know...I think my next car..

..is going to be blue. Mmm!

Blue. A very dark blue. What do you think, Paul?

Blue.

[THICKE] ♫ Baby girl, where you at? Got no strings, got men attached

♫ Can't stop that feeling for long, no

♫ You're makin' dogs wanna beg Breaking them off your fancy legs

♫ But they make you feel right at home now

♫ All these illusions just take us too long

♫ And I want it bad

♫ Because you walk pretty, because you talk pretty, 'cause you make me sick

♫ And I'm not leaving till you're leaving

♫ Oh, I swear there's something when she's pumping

♫ Asking for a raise

♫ But she told me to carry her home...

[LARA INHALES]

Those are grown in shit.

Thank God you're still dealing. Where's Lauren?

She's out of town. Do you have a thing for her?

She won't put out. You know that. She's got this little boyfriend she's saving herself for.

You're wasting time and wasting money. She's got a boyfriend?

♫ All these intrusions just take us too long and I want you so bad

♫ Because you walk city, because you talk city, 'cause you make me sick... ♫ Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

[LARA GASPS]

Hi, Sean.

Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop, don't stop! Come on, come on, come on, come on!

[SEAN] Disillusionment strikes.

After all my pining for Lauren, this, her room-mate.

Inevitable conclusion.

It's like bad poetry. And then what?

Ohh, God! I'm still hard so I keep on going.

She's groaning now. Humping up, down, up.

Is it ever gonna end?

I should never have done this.

I should have kept it innocent. God!

Oh, yeah! I put my hand over her mouth.

She comes, licking my palm, snorting.

It's over.

Kleenex.


What's wrong? I told you I came.

I was born in a Holiday Inn.

Better that it's not Lauren. Note to self: never 'shroom again. Gets you in trouble.

[GIRL] This is my last letter because I'll never have you.

I stood and watched you go off with her. She's so beneath you.

You probably did it to hurt me. It worked, you hurt me. There's nothing else I can do.

There won't be any more notes. It's last call.

[HARRY NILSSON] ♫ No, I can't forget this evening

♫ Or your face as you were leaving

♫ But I guess that's just the way the story goes

♫ You always smile, but in your eyes your sorrow shows

♫ Yes, it sho-ows

♫ No, I can't forget tomorrow

♫ When I think of all my sorrow

♫ When I had you there, but then I let you go

♫ And now it's only fair that I should let you know

♫ What you should know

♫ I can't live

♫ If living is without you

♫ I can't live

♫ I can't give any more

♫ I can't live

♫ If living is without you

♫ I can't give

♫ I can't give any more

♫ Well, I can't forget this evening

♫ Or your face as you were leaving

♫ But I guess that's just the way the story goes

♫ You always smile, but in your eyes your sorrow shows...

[MUSIC DISTORTS]

♫ I can't live

♫ If living is without you

♫ I can't give

♫ I can't give any more

♫ I can't live

♫ If living is without you

♫ l can't give... ♫


I only did it with her because I'm in love with you.

[SOBS]


[GIRLS SOBBING]


Lauren, I love you.

Lauren...

Lauren... Leave!

Since when does fucking somebody else mean I'm not faithful to you?! Lauren...

She's not ever gonna want to see you again.

Face it...you are fucked up.


[PHONE RINGS]

[PHONE CONTINUES RINGING]

Hello? Hello?

Hello? Bertrand?

Bertrand's not in. This is Jean-Jacques. Hello?

[POP TUNE] ♫ La la la la la la la-la la la la, la la la la-la la la...

[POP TUNE CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND]


Lauren.

Ahhh!

Fuck! Fuck!

Dammit!

[POP TUNE] ♫ ..you'll find that you've been sent to hell! La la la la-la la la la la-la la... ♫


[WOMAN ON RADIO] Results are evident. [MAN] Order your bottle of Longitude now.

Call 1-800-518-3492. Imagine the look on her face if you were much larger.

Call now, 1-800-518-3492, or visit them online at longitudecapsules.com.

Typical! ♫ WTNE!

♫ Ready! ♫ For music! ♫

[PUBLIC IMAGE LIMITED] ♫ I could be wrong

♫ I could be right

♫ I could be wrong

♫ I could be wrong, I could be right I could be black, I could be white

♫ I could be right, I could be wrong I could be white, I could be black

♫ Your time has come, your second skin The cost so high, the gain so low...

Sean?

♫ May the road rise with you May the road rise with you

♫ May the road rise with you May the road rise with you...

Gotcha!

You're so sad.

Sean, you're sick.

Hey...wait a minute! What...

♫ I could be wrong, I could be right

♫ I could be wrong, I could be right I could be black, l could be white... ♫

[LAUREN SOBS]

Took a charter flight to London. Took a cab to the city centre. Hostels are pretty ugly.

I'm staying at Home House, the most beautiful hotel in the world.

A couple of Brits take me to Camden Street, I flirt at Virgin, then follow girls with pink hair.

I wandered around trying to get laid until it started to rain.

I go to Rem Forum, but it's gay night. I find the one hetero girl in the place.

At Home House, I strip her clothes off and we fuck.

Met the world's biggest DJ, Paul Oakenfold, wrote my mom a postcard I never sent.

Bought some speed, smoked a lot of hash that had too much tobacco in it.

Saw the Tate, Big Ben, ate weird English food. It rained a lot so I quit for Amsterdam.

The Dutch know English, which was a relief.

I cruise the Red Light District, visit a sex show, smoke a lot of hash.

Meet a Dutch actress, we drink absinthe at a bar called Absinthe. Museums were cool.

Bought a lot of pastries, ate waffles.

Bought some coke, met some blonde that reminds me of Lara, gave her 1 00 guilders.

I come between her tits even though I'm wearing a rubber.

Afterwards we talked about AIDS. I wake to the sound of a wino singing.

I pretend to ice skate around Centraal Station. Trade songs with a Kiwi girl.

Then split for Paris by train. I climb the Eiffel Tower for only 7 francs.

Went to a Ford Model party, hooked up with a Romanian model.

She chugs my cock, which is good. Went shopping. I think she gave me mono.

Drove a Ferrari, made out with a Dutch model.

Almost became roadkill crossing the street.

Oakie invites me to Dublin so l catch a flight. He lets me spin discs with him.

Irish girls are as small as leprechauns. One strips for me in the bathroom of a club.

I steal some stout at the Guinness factory.

I fly to Barcelona. Too many fat American students.

Dropped acid at the Sagrada Familia, which was a trip.

Cruised up the coast, but had no more acid.

Some girl rings me so I let her listen to the church bells.

It was beautiful, but there are no girls there so I went to Switzerland.

Took the Glacier Express, which was beautiful.

Euro Pass to Venice, where I met a hot girl who speaks better English than I do.

She's living on $5 a day.

My hotel room costs more for one night than she's spending her entire trip.

I ditch her and hook up with a couple who want a threesome.

Too much tension, but they offer to drive me to Rome.

Traffic is bad. The wife turns out to be a freak, the guy starts to wig out on me.

We stop in Florence, a bomb goes off and I lose the weird couple.

Ended up in Rome. Just like LA, but with ruins.

I went to the Vatican, stood for two hours to get into the Sistine Chapel, which looks fake.

I meet two underage Italian girls who I try to talk into fucking each other while I jack off.

I work out. I meet some guy who says he knows me. He's a fag so I lose him.

I try to fart and instead shit my pants. Back in my hotel room, I masturbate.

That night I dream about a beautiful girl half in water, stretching her lean body.

I wake well rested and masturbate in the shower.

I go back to London and hang out in Piccadilly Circus.

I swap shirts with a Cambridge chick. Hers was an Agnès B, mine a Chanel.

She acts prudish, but is really wild. She barely looks at my abs.

I drop some acid and get lost in the subway.

I meet a girl who lets me jack off on her as long as no come gets on her coat.

We get stoned listening to Michael Jackson and next morning I wake up talking to myself.

I barely make my plane back to the US. I feel like the ghost of a total stranger.

Then I ended up back here. I am so there when school is out!

You don't even know! No, I do know.

You don't know until you do know and you have to go there to know.

Still fucking that girl from Hawaii? Page? No, I gave up on that shit.

She had issues. I moved on to this chick named Candice. She's great.

Does she fuck like a racehorse? Yeah! You know it, brother!

I met a girl. Did you score some hot poon?

It's not about that.

No, it's about... It's about good times and cuddling up [!]

She's a fag hag, right? It's cool because they're fun and they like to dance!

I tell you, Victor, I think I'm in love with this girl.

She's sweet...she's pure...she's innocent.

She's a virgin.

How young is she? Is she out of the car seat onto my meat?

If she's bleedin', I'm breedin'! If there's grass in the field...play ball!

Old enough to pee, old enough for me! Yeah.

Ow! Bateman. Bateman, what's up, man?

You got any Tutankhamen?

How much do you want? Three grams.

300 up front.

I don't fucking trust you. Tough shit.

Well, take Mitchell with you, then. What?!

All right. We take your car and I drive.

I...I...

[SEAN CHUCKLES]

Go with him, bitch. Fucker. Ow!

I want change. Bring Daddy back change.

Hey, keep your eyes on the road!

Bitchin' ride! You pick the colour? Yeah. Don't crash it.

I didn't realise it came in banana.

Relax. Oh, right, relax [!]

While my car is used to run a drug deal, I'll just relax [!]

I don't give a fuck if we do this deal or not, but your girlfriend needs her nose candy or she won't fuck you.

I have my terms and, if you don't live up to them, you get no pussy. Deal with it.

Here. Uh...it looks kinda dark.

Maybe nobody's home. Rupert doesn't leave home.

I'm gonna wait in the car. Rupert's cool.

I-I don't wanna go in. Just come in. Let's get this over with.

[DOGS BARKING]

[RINGS BELL]

Who that? Blouse and skirt! Sean, are you that man?

Just the man we're looking to see tonight. Come in out of the cold, man.

Sean, Sean, Sean, welcome, bubba.

You college boys look nice and sweet and sexy!

Rupert's in the kitchen.

Rupert...extra chicken in the coop.

Sean, who's your friend? This is Mitch.

Mitch. Hi.

You a cop, Mitch? No.

Does he look like a cop? How the fuck should I know?!

Unless he's got a crack pipe, I gotta assume he's "21 Jump Street".

I'm not "21 Jump Street", whatever that is.

It's where Richard Grieco and Johnny Depp got their start, man!

You can bet the boy is not a cop, man. Obviously.

What can I do you boys for? Came by for some stuff.

Did you, now? Where's my money, goddammit, Bateman?

Don't act crazy. Me and Mitch just came by to pick up a couple of grams.

What the fuck's this, huh?

$300? You owe me $3,000, asshole! Where's my fucking money?

Oh, hey, wait a minute, wait. I-I'm gonna wait in the car.

Wait... For what?! You owe me fucking money!

Listen...

..he's got it.

I don't know what's going on! I came for some blow, man!

Give Rupert his money. What the fuck are you talking about?!

Give Rupert his money! I'll wait in the fucking car!

Hey, boy, don't better fuck with us! This is absolute shit!

I-I don't know what you're talking about! No, wait, this guy...

Do...Do you really have it, huh?

I don't... This guy... You owe me some fucking money!

Would you fucking tell him?! OK.

He doesn't have it.

What you got for me? You got something. I have this.

Back the fuck off!

[MITCHELL SCREAMS]

[MITCHELL SOBS HYSTERICALLY]

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! Let me in! I have the keys! Let me in!

Fuck!

Are you crazy?!

Define crazy.

Wasn't that fun? Fuck you! You're a fucking asshole!

Why don't you do something about it? Get out of my car! Gimme my key!

Come on, come on. I know you want to.

Fuck you! Just get outta my fucking car! Get outta my fucking car, you piece of shit!

Get out! Yahhhhhhhhhh!

Get outta my car!

Fucking asshole!

Mitchell...you're a pussy.

[SCREAMS] Asshole!

Fucking spit in my car!

Fuck!

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

♫ I don't know how to speak to you, I don't know how... ♫

[KNOCK]

What?!

Ooh!

I have good news.

What? Victor's back from Europe.

Really?

Really?! Shit!

Lauren. Wait.

Hey, wait, Lauren. Oh, my God!

Can't we talk? No!

Lauren, don't walk... Hey!

I really did try to kill myself...just before I faked it.

Wow. Sean, it's over.

No, it's not! Yeah, it is. I'm in love with somebody else.

Who? Victor. It's none of your fucking business!

Fucking... Fucking Victor?

Yeah.

Then why the fuck are you writing me letters?

Wow.

Deal with it, Sean, it's over. Rock 'n' roll.

Lauren, I wanna know you.

What does that mean, know me? Know me. Nobody knows anyone else ever!

You will never ever know me.


Oh, shit!

You do not know what a drag it is to see you right now!

Um...um...

Yeah...um...

Yeah, you smell really good, but I...

..I don't know who you are.

Victor, shut up, it's me. Oh...of course.

How are...y-you?

How long have you been here? Why haven't you called?

This is embarrassing. I'm sorry, I don't have the slightest idea who you are right now.

Really, it's...it's totally blank. I...I...

Yeah, it is. Should I know you?

It's great seeing you, really.


Looks like it's gonna be a cold one.

You know, I find myself talking to you when you're not even around.

Just...carrying on conversations. I wish you wouldn't tell me shit like that.

But, Sean, I don't... I don't wanna be with you.

What do you mean? No, I just...

..wanna know you, I just wanna who you are.

No one'll ever know anyone.

You're not ever gonna know me. What the hell does that mean?

It means, Paul, you're not ever gonna know me.

Figure it out. Deal with it.

Fuck you, Bateman.

Fuck you, Bateman!

Fuck you!


[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

Welcome to Buford T Pusser County.

You wanna fuck with me? I'll show you fucking!

Bust my arm up, motherfucker! You hear what Guest said?!

I have your money! My brother wired it! You got the money? It was that easy?!

Fuck you, motherfucker!


How are you, Miss Hynde?

OK.

How have you been...Mr Denton?

OK.


He really likes you.

That's great.

Listen, were you putting notes in his box? Whose box?

I thought you were putting notes in his box.

Purple ones. Love letters.

No, I didn't put notes into anybody's box.

You didn't?

Wrong person.

Wasn't me.

Then there's someone else. Doesn't matter, anyway.

Not to people like him.

Not to people like us.


[SEAN] I started driving faster as I left the college behind.

I didn't know where I was going. Someplace unoccupied, I hoped.

I thought there were things about her I'd never forget, but in the end, all l could think about was...

[ERASURE] ♫ We'll be together again

♫ I've been waiting for a long time

♫ We're gonna be, we're gonna be together again

♫ I've been connected to the right line

♫ We'll be together and nobody ain't never gonna disconnect us

♫ Or ever separate us or say to us you've got to

♫ Stop! Stand there where you are before you go too far

♫ Before you make a fool out of love

♫ Stop! Don't jump before you look, get hung up on a hook

♫ Before you make a fool out of love

♫ We'll be together again

♫ I've been waiting for a long time

♫ We're gonna be, we're gonna be together again

♫ I've been connected to the right line

♫ We'll be together and nobody ain't never gonna disconnect us

♫ Or ever separate us or say to us you've got to

♫ Stop! Stand there where you are before you go too far

♫ Before you make a fool out of love

♫ Stop! Don't jump before you look, get hung up on a hook

♫ Before you make a fool out of love


♫ We'll be together and nobody ain't never gonna disconnect us

♫ Or ever separate us or say to us you've got to

♫ Stop! Stand there where you are before you go too far

♫ Before you make a fool out of love

♫ Stop! Don't jump before you look, get hung up on a hook

♫ Before you make a fool out of love

♫ Stop! Stand there where you are before you go far

♫ Before you make a fool out of love

♫ Stop! Don't jump before you look, get hung up on a hook

♫ Before you make a fool out of love

♫ Stop! Stand there where you are before you go too far... ♫

[RADlO JINGLE] ♫ WTNE for music! ♫

♫ Oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh

♫ Oooh, oooh, ooooh

♫ Oooh

♫ You are the one, you make it happen

♫ The things you do are totally planned

♫ You are the one, you're so in charge now

♫ You're going to make a stand, make a stand

♫ The way you speak when people meet you

♫ It makes them want to share your goal

♫ You're number one in every region

♫ You know you're in control, in control

♫ You are the one, you make it happen

♫ The things you do are totally planned

♫ You are the one, you're so in charge now

♫ You're going to make a stand, make a stand