The Sad Sack (1957) Script

♪ Everybody calls me Sad Sack

♪ I hear it all day long

♪ Though I try to do the right thing

♪ It always turns out wrong

♪ Everybody calls me Sad Sack

♪ Sad Sack

♪ Including my best gal

♪ I drop my ashes all over her clothes

♪ And I misplace her keys

♪ Then, for forgiveness, I send her a rose

♪ And roses always make her sneeze

♪ Ah-choo

♪ The lamp is so bright, I pull out the plug

♪ Her arms then open to give me a hug

♪ I run to kiss her and trip on the rug

♪ I'm the genuine, original

♪ First edition copy of Sad Sack

♪ Sad Sack ♪


BIXBY: Hey, fellas.

There's a couple of seats right here.

DOLAN: There he was. Clear-eyed, pink-cheeked, open-faced.

The boy next door.

The kind of a man you want your sister to marry.

The last guy in the world you'd suspect of being the kiss of death.

Thanks, bud. That's okay.

You guys goin' back to Calhoun, too, huh?

Did you have a nice time with your three-day pass in New Orleans? I bet it was pretty tough leavin' that redhead, huh?

You been tailin' us?

No, just simple deductive reasoning, that's all.

There's a three-day pass in his pocket, and you didn't get that red hair here from shakin' hands with her. (LAUGHING)

Hey, this guy's got brains.

A brain. That's a good thing to have.

I'm Wenaslawsky, this is Dolan.

Hi, chum.

Hi, chum. Hi. (CHUCKLES) Well, would you guys like to kill some time?

I got some reading matter here.

Just out.

Yeah? What do you got?

(SOFTLY) I'm on the War Department mailing list.

Yeah?

Small Arms Fire in the Mechanized Platoon.

Establishing Beachhead with Air Support.

I think you'll like this one.

Field Sanitation, Digging and Maintenance.

With pictures?

Oh, yeah, lots of 'em.

Now, this one is just out. You'll like this.

And I learned it all by heart.

Long Range Weapons, Radar Controlled.

You memorized that?

Sure, I did. Would you care to check me?

You memorized it, huh?

Yeah, I learned it all by heart.

Recite me the final wiring assembly for the firing mechanism on the R-2 rapid-fire cannon.

(CLEARS THROAT)

"The R-2. To complete the firing mechanism

"on the R-2 rapid-fire cannon, "connect the wiring assembly in the following order.

"F-7 to B-5, T-12 to C-4, "M-6 to P-13, A-16 to D-21, D-21..."

Okay, okay, okay!

We'll skip a couple of pages and go to the last line.

"Double-S 005 to Double-S 006, which completes the assembly."

Right? Right.

Now, in the next paragraph, you'll find there's a very interesting...

Okay, okay, soldier. Take 10. We're beat.

Oh, okay. Well, why don't you guys take a little snooze, and I'll wake you up when we get to Calhoun.

Here, why don't you get comfortable?

Put your feet up here.

Go ahead, get comfortable.

Just put your feet up.

Oh, Dolan. Yeah.

I'll be very quiet when I turn the pages.

Thanks.

DOLAN: Hmm.

Oh, would you like some hot milk?

Huh? From the diner.

Hot milk always makes me sleep.

We were asleep.

You woke us up.

Oh, I'm sorry.

But now that you're awake, would you like some hot milk?

All we want is quiet!

Shh!

CONDUCTOR: Tickets! Tickets!

Shh!

CONDUCTOR: Tickets!

Coffee?

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)


(SIGHS)


(CRIES OUT)

(SCREECHING)

(ALL YELLING)

What happened?

Well, the light was in your eyes, and I got up there to fix it, see?

Why, you... I stepped up...

Well, wait a minute. I was just...

Now, you stay there!

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)

(MOANS)

Hey, what time is it?

A little after 6:00.

I thought we were due in Calhoun at 4:15.

Oh, we were there, and right on time.

We were there? Yeah.

CONDUCTOR: Memphis! Memphis!

Memphis? What is this?

Why didn't you wake us up?

Well, I thought you guys were still mad at me, and you were sleepin' so peacefully...

(ANGRILY) Why, I ought to...

We both ought to, but he's government property.

Memphis! Next stop, Memphis!

BIXBY: (FLUSTERED) Wa-wait.

Wait a second.

Wa-wait.

But Major, what makes this man Bixby so important?

Oh, it's not Bixby himself, sir, it's... It's really more what Bixby represents.

You see, each year there are thousands of Bixbys inducted into the army.

Left-footers who are always out of step with our training program.

You do agree that it's a serious problem, don't you, sir?

Oh, was I staring?

You'll have to forgive me.

You're quite a departure from the usual run of majors.

General Vanderlip, I happen to hold my master's degree in social science.

At the time that I was offered my commission, I also happened to be senior consultant at the Manhattan Institute for Psychological Research.

I don't doubt your qualifications.

Thank you, sir.

And now, about Bixby. Cigarette?

No, thank you.

If you'll notice, this graph represents the last 17 months of Private Bixby's service record.

A steadily declining pattern, as you can see.

That's because Private Bixby was at first in the Field Artillery.

He was then transferred to the Signal Corps, and from there he was transferred again to a tank battalion.

However, when he lost a tank, we decided...

Lost a tank?

Yes, sir. He, um, he was sent out one day to camouflage it, and... we never found it again.

And so the tankers transferred him to the infantry.

Yes, sir. Fort MacArthur.

And this part will amaze you.

Well, you can see here, there's a definite rise in the graph.

That's because Private Bixby demonstrated an unbelievable mechanical aptitude.

General, Private Bixby single-handedly reassembled a rapid-fire remote control anti-tank cannon.

Lost a tank.

And this sudden drop?

He didn't know it was loaded.

Blew up two garbage trucks in the center of Los Angeles, 30 miles away.

Apparently this Bixby is quite a sad sack.

Yes, sir, he... He is that, indeed.

Well, you see, that's why Washington has selected him for this psychological experiment.

General, there'll always be a Bixby.

But we feel that if we can make a soldier out of a man with... with that kind of record, well, it'll pave the way for the Bixbys of tomorrow.

(KNOCK ON DOOR) Yes?

This is the information you wanted, sir.

Company B of the 345th battalion has the best training record.

According to its commanding officer, his best potential squad leader is Corporal Dolan.

With your permission, sir, I'd like to speak to the corporal.

I'll have him report immediately, sir.

Excuse me, is Major Shelton here?

Soldier, come here. What do you want?

Uh, I'm Private Bixby.

I was told to report to Major Shelton. Is he in?

Yes, she's in.

Right through that door.

Thank... She's in?

Yes, right through the door.

No, I was told to report to Major Shelton.

That's right. She's right in there.

BIXBY: She's...

(DOOR OPENS)

Well?

Pri-Private Bixby.

Oh, Private Bixby.

Of course. I've been waiting for you.

Oh, thank you.

(CHUCKLES) You are a she.

He said you're a she, and you're a she if I ever saw one.

Private Bixby reporting, ma'am.

At ease, Private, and welcome to Camp Calhoun.

Thank you very much, and I apologize, ma'am.

It's just that I never saw a girl major before.

West Point?

No, the Manhattan Institute for Psychological Research.

Why don't you sit down? Oh.

No, not there. Over there. Yes, thank you.

Oh.

You know somethin' funny? You remind me of my sister.

(CHUCKLES) She's also very pretty.

Oh, well, thank you.

Except she's...

(HESITATINGLY) She doesn't have, uh... You know.

Yes, I know.

Um, Private, why don't you make yourself more comfortable?

Lie down.

To tell you the truth, Major, I'm not very tired.

Lie down, Private. I'll bring you a pillow.

Thank you.

Now... Isn't that better?

(BIXBY CHUCKLES)

I hardly even know you, Major.

Well, you see, our getting to know each other better is why you're here.

We like to extend a personal welcome to our new men here at Camp Calhoun, Sort of have them get to know us and give us a chance to get to know them.

That's very nice. Ohh.

Why don't you relax?

(HESITATINGLY) Well, to tell you the truth, Major, you're a girl and I'm a boy, and-and according to the army training film number 6235... Oh!

But I only want to ask you a few questions.

Oh, okay.

Now, Private Bixby, how do you like the army?

Up to now it's been pretty dull.

No, I mean, how do you really like it?

Oh, I-I like it.

I-I like the army.

(STUTTERING) I like... I like... I really like...

I like the army.

Have you been happy in it? No.

Why not?

(SIGHS) Well, I guess because every time I get settled and happy, I get transferred.

And you feel that there might be something personal about this.

Oh, no. No, on the contrary.

As a matter of fact, Everyone is very sad when I leave.

My last commanding officer was in tears when I left.

What about friends?

Do you feel that you've made many friends?

(CLEARS THROAT) Yeah. Oh, yeah. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Oh, I made a lot of... lot of...

Oh, I got... I made a lot of friends.

How many? One.

A friend of mine, a real close buddy, in the Field Artillery.

We were very close, very, very good buddies, Until one day I shot his toe off accidentally, and that kind of cooled things a little.

Then there was the sergeant in the Signal Corps.

Yes? No, he hates me.

Come to think of it, I haven't made many friends at all.

I guess it's because I'm always being transferred.

Well, of course, that is possible.

Let's... Let's talk about your family.

Um, do you have any brothers or sisters?

Oh, yeah, I have four sisters. All girls.

How do you get along with them?

Oh, fine.

Uh, what about your mother and father?

Oh, I have one of each.

No, no, no. I mean, how do you get along with them?

I imagine they're very fond of you, aren't they?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yes, they are.

As a matter of fact, my mother's always saying, (IMITATING HIS MOTHER) "Meredith, We're very fond of you."

She always says that.

What about your father?

Would you say that you and your father are very good pals?

Oh, yeah. Oh, sure, we're pals.

My father always says, (IMITATING HIS FATHER) "Well, I wanted a son, "and I've got one."

That's his favorite expression.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Excuse the interruption, Major, but I had to meet this young man who loses tanks.

Oh, at ease.

Thank you very much, sir.

(NERVOUSLY) It-It's a... (CLEARS THROAT)

It's a strange thing about, uh, that tank disappearing, uh, because...

Oh, uh...

Excuse me, sir, but there's a loose thread hanging.

(CHUCKLES) We can't have, uh...

We can't have generals walking around with a loose thread.

Buckled... a little.

Just straighten that out.

And we...

Uh, it was hanging.

I thought that it shouldn't be good to hang...

On a general. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

(CLEARS THROAT)


Schultz!

What goes here?

Why haven't you got that truck loaded yet?

Well, I've been askin' them to hurry.

You don't ask 'em, you tell 'em!

When I was soldiering in Panama, it was a...

How long those two been here?

All morning, I guess.

You guess?

Wait a minute.

(CHUCKLES) Morning, Sergeant. Morning, huh?

Don't you feel well? You sounded kind of weak at reveille this morning. Hangover?

Now, don't start that, fellas.

I called both your names nice and loud, and I didn't hear either of you answer.

He didn't hear us.

Well, I told you we should've shouted it.

That's right, Larry, you did.

"Shout," you said.

I distinctly remember that.

All right, fellas, all right!

But one of these days, I'm gonna get you two!

Private Bixby reporting for duty, sir.

Hi, fellas.

I was told to find the first sergeant.

Well, you found him. If you're reporting, why weren't you here for reveille?

Oh, well, you don't understand, sir.

I'm not due to report until tomorrow.

I came on a train with them.

Did you hear that? A day early.

Now, that's the kind of soldier we need in...

You came on the train with them?

Yes, sir. What time?

BIXBY: Oh, uh, let me see.

I think we left Memphis about 6:30.

Thanks, son.

You were right, fellas.

You should've shouted.

Memphis is 90 miles away!

We'd have been here, Sarge, but that walkin' field manual forgot to wake us up.

Oh, he forgot to wake you up.

Now, won't that sound nice at the court martial!

Wait a minute, Sergeant, really.

It wasn't their fault. I have to take all the blame.

Look, Bixby, don't front for these guys.

They're not worth it. Come on, you two!

Boo!

Thank you.

Fellas, wait for me.

Oh, come on, Sarge, give us a break, will ya?

(SHOUTS) Who's drivin' this truck? Give us a...

Hey! Get this truck outta here!

Bixby, move this truck.

What? Move the truck!

Oh, well, Sergeant, I don't think I know how...

Move it!

Well, sir, I don't think you understand...

That's an order! Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

DOLAN: Sarge, I'm tellin' you.

We did everything we could.

WENASLAWSKY: This guy was supposed to wake us up on the train. No kidding.

(OFFICERS CONTINUE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

DOLAN: Oh, come on, Sarge, you can't do a thing like that to us.

Boy, what a guy you are.

OFFICER: Ain't that sad sack from on the train?

WENASLAWSKY: You can ask him now.

I'm tellin' you, he told us...

DOLAN: Look, Sarge, you can't do this to us.

Just for once in your life, be a good guy.

(ENGINE STARTS)

(REVVING)

Let me see.

Now wait a minute, Sergeant. "For being AWOL..."

That guy said he was gonna wake us...

You're trying to pull a fast one on your poor, stupid old sergeant.

Extra duty every night for the next three weeks.

Oh, listen, Sarge. Ask Bixby, he'll tell you.

And for sinking so low as to take a nice, innocent kid like Bixby and try and use him to cover up your shenanigans, extra duty for another three weeks.

(RUMBLING)

Hey, Sarge, I...

(NERVOUSLY) Oh. Uh, Sarge, I'd like to report a mistake in the truck manual.

The hoist button is where the starter button ought to be.

We could've told you, Sarge.

All right, Bixby.

I want every piece of gravel out of this jeep, motor and all.

Start shovelin'! Yes, sir.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

And you two help him!

(LAUGHTER FADING)

And I'll just sit right here and watch.

Now, hit it!

Here you are, Stan. Here you are, Larry.

Let's give those old muscles a workout!

Ah, let him do his share first.

CORPORAL: Hey, Dolan. Yeah.

Report to division headquarters.

Major Shelton.

Oh, isn't that too bad?

Just a minute, Dolan. Get me outta here first.

Sorry, Sarge. Major callin'.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Come in.

(WOLF WHISTLE)

Maybe you can tell me why it is that fans always tilt too much or not at all.

Let me fix that for you, baby.

What?

Oh. Thank you.

(GRUNTS) No trouble.

You know, honey, you're too pretty to be a mechanic.

You need a man around to...

(NERVOUSLY) You, honey... Um...

I mean, you, sir.

I mean, uh, you, uh...

At ease, Corporal.

Sit down.

Corporal, there's something I want you to do for me.

Well, sit down.

Now, it's strictly voluntary, and you can say yes or no exactly as you please.

Well, I wouldn't say no. (CHUCKLES) What is it?

It concerns an experiment which the army is undertaking.

Uh, it's a kind of salvage job.

Making good soldiers out of congenital inferiors.

Huh?

Goof-offs. Oh.

I want you to take one of these men and see if you can do something with him.

Well, anything to help.

The army.

Uh, who is it?

Bixby. Private Meredith C. Bixby.

Bixby?

Bye-bye, Major. See you around the PX.

Why? Have you met him?

Twice, and that's enough for a lifetime.

Corporal Dolan, I also have met Private Bixby, and I feel that potentially he is a very good soldier.

The fact that he's been misunderstood in the past...

Aren't you being overly sentimental, Major?

Sentimental?

Yes. After all, you are a woman.

Corporal Dolan, it happens to be my job to evaluate people.

At the time I was offered my commission, I happened to be senior consultant at the Manhattan Institute for Psychological Research.

But still a woman.

About Private Bixby.

Now, of course, if you really think he's a hopeless case, I wouldn't dream of asking you to accept this assignment.

Well, I wouldn't say he's hopeless.

Um, he is eager.

I think he'd be willing to learn.

As an example, in 17 months, Private Bixby has not qualified with the rifle.

Now, that may be just what he needs to give him a sense of accomplishment.

Well, it, uh, it wouldn't be a cinch.

It'd probably take all of my spare time.

Then you'll accept the assignment?

Anything to help the army.

Wonderful. Thank you, Corporal.

Hey, guess who's gonna bunk between us?

It ain't against army regulations to dream, is it? Who?

Bixby.

Typhoid Meredith? I fixed it.

You fixed it?

Stanley, we have just latched onto the softest touch in the whole United States Army.

We're gonna teach Bixby how to be a soldier.

You've got combat fatigue.

Don't you get it? He's our pigeon.

If anything goes wrong, he gets the blame.

If anybody starts throwing extra duty at us, we refer 'em to our darlin' major.

(SHOUTS) Darlin' major?

Lawrence!

The major is a girl.

Now, tonight, instead of massaging the jeep for the sergeant, we're gonna teach Bixby how to assemble the M-1.

(GROANS) Oh, a night in the barracks with that guy!

Does it have to be the barracks?

Maybe someplace with a nice musical background.

Oh. Come on, let's go.

(SWING MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT LAUGHING AND TALKING)

Japan, Korea, Iceland, but to me, there's nothing like a fresh, wholesome American girl.

That's what I always say.

Yeah, every time.

Oh, Larry, if I only thought you were sincere.

Sincere? Oh, baby.

A man spends his life searching for something.

He doesn't know what it is.

And then one day, he looks into a pair of bottomless pools, and suddenly the search is over.

He's found paradise.

"And if the weapon is not to be used at once, "It is imperative that the safety

"be firmly set into position."

Hello, soldier. Got a match?

(NERVOUSLY) Uh... well, I don't know.

Oh, there's one.

Yes, ma'am. At your service.

I'm very happy to oblige.

(HESITATINGLY) Say, uh, ma'am, um...

I was just wondering, would you like to dance with me?

Well, we haven't been properly introduced, but I guess it'd be all right.

(BOOK DROPS)

Hey, Larry, when the safety catch is on, is it forward or back?

Back. Thank you.

Well, thank you very much.

What?

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.

Would you like a soft drink?

Martini. (TAPS ON BAR)

Martini, please, soft.

Hey, Joe.

Ain't that Millie?

Yeah.

So you stayed home with your sick grandmother tonight.

So I exercised the prerogative of changing my mind.

If you don't like it, take it up with my escort.

Oh, you can have her back now.

I-I was just using her for a few minutes.

Steal my girl and make jokes.

Look, buster...

What's the trouble, buddy? What's the trouble?

No trouble. Butt out.

Look, he's with us. We wouldn't want anything to happen to him.

Nothing's gonna happen to him, except this! (BOTH GRUNT)

DOLAN: No!

(WOMEN SCREAM)

I learned that in a judo manual.

(GRUNTING)

(SHOUTS) Ooh!

(GRUNTING)

(LAUGHS)

(WOMEN SCREAM)

(SCREAMING)

Excuse me, ma'am.

(GRUNTS)

Oh!

That's in the judo manual, too.

Oh, no!

MAN: Ah! Whoa!

BIXBY: Oh! (GASPS)

(CHUCKLES) (WHISTLE BLOWING)

Oh, wait.

COP: What's goin' on here?

All right. Break it up.

Come here! BIXBY: Oh!

COP: Come on outside. Outside, come on.

Come on, come on.

Move it! Come on!

Get out of here!

I'll take care of these two guys.

They need you over there!

You know the way back to the camp, don't you?

Sure. I'll just follow any army car.

And remember, our barracks number is D-362.

I know it's 362.

Oh, there's one!


(WHISPERS) Hey, Dolan. (DOLAN GASPS)

Hey, Stan. Stan.

Hey, keep it quiet, fellas.

Pulley's a light sleeper. Come on.

(SNORING)

(WHISPERS) He's sleepin' like a baby.

(WHISPERS) Hey, fellas.

Schultz uses nail polish on his toe nails.

(MUFFLED LAUGHTER)

Okay, roll out. On your feet.

(CLAPS) Make it snappy.

(GROANING)

(YAWNS) Oh, them boys.

Ooh. Roll out.

(GROANS)

I don't think I can stand much more of this.

WOMAN 1: I don't either. WOMAN 2: Oh, boy.

Hey, new recruits.

Must have come in during the night.

Reveille.

(SNORES)

Get up, sister.

Oh! Whoo! Get up, gal.

Come on, get up.

(GROANS)

(SHOWERS RUNNING)


WOMAN: Hey, pick up the soap, Mabel.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Larry, do we have any girls in our platoon?

Yeah, yeah. Thousands of 'em.

Didn't you know the army had gone co-educational?

(FRANTICALLY) No, no, no. Larry. It's just not right.

We-we can't take a shower while they do.

We-we can't take a shower while they do.

(WOMEN SCREAM)

Come on, let's get outta here! We're in the WAC barracks!

WENASLAWSKY: (SHOUTS) What?

BIXBY: Uh-oh, Captain Blye!

(SCREAMING)

Come on, come on, let's get out of here!

Sarge, there were men in here!

They were right there in the shower. Men! Huh?

Are you sure?

I've got two brothers. I can tell the difference.

WOMAN: Hey, Sarge! Look! Pants.

Well, there's nobody under there.

BLYE: Any of you girls know how these men got here?

Don't look at me, Sarge. I'm from Philadelphia.

(LAUGHS)

BLYE: You know anything about this, Donnelly?

DONNELLY: (SARCASTICALLY) Okay, Sarge, you got me.

You see, I'm sittin' in this corner booth at the PX last night, and those two generals and a colonel come up and ask me what I'm doin' later.

(ALL LAUGH) BLYE: Don't get smart.

Now, these men had to have some help to get in here.

(SHOUTS) Who's responsible for this?

What's all the excitement?

Three soldiers slept here last night.

(GROANS) Oh, everything happens when I'm on furlough.

Hey, where are they? We don't know.

They must have gotten away.

Wait a minute.

They didn't pass me, and they couldn't be wandering round the area in their shorts.

They must still be around here.

Split up and look into everything that might be a place to hide.

DOLAN: Psst. Psst. Hey.

Hey. We got one chance.

Scoot the bed over by the door.

We'll get out of here before they recognize us.

Oh, and pull down the blanket.

(WHISPERS) Hey hey, hey, Sarge, look.

(WOMEN LAUGH)

Thank you. Are you the house mother?

No!

Oh, I didn't think you were.

Sarge, shall I go get the MPs?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, no. I've got a better idea.

Get over in the corner and put your clothes on!

You too! On the double! BIXBY: Yeah.

Come on, on the double! Get movin'!

Go on, get a move on! Hurry up! (WOMEN LAUGH)

Come on, girls, have a look.

Ha! This is supposed to be the stronger sex.

This is very embarrassing.

WOMAN 1: Hey, the chubby one's kinda cute.

WOMAN 2: Oh, I like the one with the knobby knees!

WOMAN 3: Oh, they're all... They're all kinda cute.

When you get to the rifle range, report to Captain Ward.

Right.

I don't believe it.

BLYE: Hut, two, three, four.

Hut, two, three, four. (MEN CHEERING)

Hut, two...

(ALL YELLING)

PULLEY: Shut up!

Hut, two, three, platoon, halt!

At ease.

These are the men that Captain Saunders called about.

Well, thank you, Sergeant. We'll take care of 'em.

You three girls step out.

BLYE: Ten-hut!

Forward!

March! Hut, two, three, four.

Hut, two, three, four.

Don't be strangers now. WOMAN: Drop in anytime.

Yeah, we will. Good-bye.

Nice seein' ya. So long.

They're... They're really...

(CLEARS THROAT)

Now, why did you fellas stay away all night?

You know how I worry.

(SHOUTS) If you wanted to join the WACs, Why didn't you put in for 'em?

Oh, well, we couldn't do that, Sergeant.

You see, according to the War Department regulations...

Quiet! Yes, sir.

You two got anything to say?

Is one enough, Sarge?

One's all I got.

I'll have to owe you one.

Thank you.

He trusts me.

Sergeant, I'll have to take complete responsibility for this unfortunate episode. You see...

Fifty push-ups!

Yes, sir. Thank you. You're very lenient. another sergeant would...

Now! Yes, he wants it now.

Yeah. Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Ladies, I accept your resignation.

But that ain't all that's gonna happen to ya.

You know that cushy assignment in Morocco we all been droolin' about?

Well, we got our orders.

But you two can tear up your travel folders

'cause you ain't goin'!

Aw, Elmer, you can't do this to us.

We got us a phone number over there.

Yeah, Casablanca, sank, quarter, neff, neff.

A couple of snake dancers, but from very good families.

Well, I'll personally extend my regrets.

The fact that I hate you has got nothin' to do with it.

MAN: Hey, Dolan! Yeah?

Major Shelton wants to see you.

There goes the other stripe.

BIXBY: ...Hundred and one, hundred and two...

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Come in.

Good morning, Corporal.

Good morning, Major.

Major, before you say a word, I wanna tell you that that Bixby is...

Bixby is what I wanna ask you about.

How are you getting along with his training?

Well, you can take that Bixby and...

You mean you don't know?

Know about what?

About his training?

Oh, uh, he's fine. Fine.

Oh, good. I was just beginning to prepare my weekly report to Washington on Private Bixby.

Is there any favorable progress that I can include?

Well, now, I saw him do a demonstration of judo that just made an MP flip.

Oh, he didn't.

Yes, he did, and as far as his push-ups are concerned, why, that boy never stops.

Corporal, you don't know how happy you've made me.

You don't know how happy you've made me.

MAJOR SHELTON: Is something wrong?

Are those shoes regulation?

(SHEEPISHLY) Oh. Oh, well, I'm having the others...

I'm having the others half-soled.

Oh. Yes.

Congratulations, Corporal.

You're really beginning to give Meredith a sense of belonging, of being accepted.

That's important, eh?

Well, it's...

It's the most important thing in the whole world, the feeling of being wanted.

Well, according to...

According to Professor Adler and even to Freud to some extent, the feeling of being needed is one of the most basic human emotions.

Yeah. Adler, Freud, and Dolan.

We all feel the same.

Yes. Of course, I'm sure you've heard of the classic experiment at Zurich.

That's the one where they established that even mice responded to impulses of affection.

They were right. Rats, too.

You know, even Sergeant Pulley's got a girl that likes him.

(SELF-CONSCIOUSLY) Oh, of course.

Well, affection or, uh, the feeling of being needed, or love, no matter what words you use, the effect on the human ego is still the same.

I'd like to call it love.

Love? Well, yes, "love" is one of those kind of catch-all...

words that...

that seem to apply...

Well, in other words, the... general emotional factors involved...

Don't... (CHUCKLES) don't seem to be overwhelmed by the...

You've got the most beautiful blue eyes in the entire division.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

What's that? What?

That sound. (RINGING CONTINUES)

Love. It makes bells ring even for mice.

Remember Zurich?

(RINGING CONTINUES)

That's the telephone.

Major Shelton speaking.

Oh, yes, Captain Saunders.

Yes.

Yes.

Oh, I see.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, they didn't.

(CHUCKLES) Ah, yes.

Yes. Thank you very much.

I think this is where we were.

Stand at attention. Hmm?

(ANGRILY) Stand at attention.

Corporal Dolan, I have just been informed on the telephone that you and Private Bixby spent the entire night in a WAC barrack.

Is that your idea of the proper place to teach someone marksmanship?

Now wait a minute, Major. You haven't heard my side of the...

I know your side of the story.

I've met people like you before.

You never intended to help Private Bixby at all, did you?

Now listen... No, you didn't.

You simply saw this whole assignment as a kind of opportunity to use him.

Now if you'll just let me try... To use both of us.

I've let you enough. Get out!

(GRUNTS) Oh!

I knew you didn't mean it.

Get out!

Go away!

All right, start packin', you're goin' along with us.

We're goin'?

I told you he was a sentimental slob!

Pal!

I had nothin' to do with it.

Major Shelton just called with orders to get you shipped fast.

Now, what goes?

Aw, she's in love with a guy named Freud.

Freud? Is that that fella in headquarters company who wears a moustache?

Yeah, that's the guy.

He invited my girl to a ballet.

Before we take off, I'll slug him for both of us!

Wha-hoo!

Come on, Larry, get dressed.

I'm comin'.

MAN: Hey, guys.

Bix! BIXBY: Oh!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Aw, you shouldn't do that.

You know I'm ticklish. That's not funny.

Here, you can have one anyhow.

Here you are, Steve.

Bobby, Eddie, Bill, Ralph.

Here's one for you, Artie.

Here you are, Larry.

Stanley.

What's this?

"Memories of Camp Calhoun"?

Yeah, that's a souvenir.

That's a going-away present, so you guys shouldn't get lonesome in North Africa.

(SOFTLY) Hey, I hear that the sandstorms and the girls over there can drive you crazy.

Really?

Well, I'm sure gonna miss you guys.

Boy, I really wish I was going with you.

You know, a guy gets kind of tired of waving good-bye all the time.

Especially to his best pal, like you, Larry.

Yeah, well. Look, Bix...

Well, no, what I mean to say is, you know, this is the closest I ever came to shipping out.

And it's kind of exciting, like the night before the big game.

Although I never played football.

I was a cheerleader, and I broke my leg once leading a sis-boom-bah!

We're gonna miss you, boy.

WENASLAWSKY: Yeah, we sure will, pal.

Yeah.

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

You know something...

I promised that female efficiency chart I'd qualify Bixby on the M-1.

And we're gonna do it, first thing in the morning.

We're gonna do it?

We're goin' out on the rifle range with Bixby?

And we're gonna give him a gun that fires live ammunition?

We ain't gonna qualify Bixby, and you ain't gonna do it.

Not in a year, and you only got one day.

We'll qualify him, dead or alive.

Your left arm through here.

A half-roll to the left.

Put your hand on there.

Pull it into here. Now...

All right. All nice and comfy?

I say, are you all nice and comfy?

Are you nice and comfortable?

Oh, yeah, I'm-I'm physically relaxed, but mentally, I don't think I'm quite ready to pull the trigger yet.

Oh, well, we just have to pull the trigger, because if we don't pull the trigger, the gun won't go boom boom.

And we gotta have the gun go boom boom.

Boom boom.

Stan, ready on 10?

I been ready for two hours.

Okay, open the breech.

(GUN CLICKS)

Now, watch it. Let it go.

Pull it off easy.

Easy, now. Hold your breath.

Squeeze... (YELPS)

You're getting closer to 10, Meredith.

Oh, that's good. Only seven targets away.

Oh. Let's go again.

Well, maybe this time I'll keep my eyes open.

Yeah. Oh, that'd help no end. (CHUCKLES)

Get in the sling.

Open the breech. (GUN CLICKS)

Watch it. Let her forward.

All right, now...

Pull it into the shoulder.

Squeeze it off.

Squeeze it... Just a minute.

Squeeze... Squeeze...

Squeeze, squeeze

Let me see.

Hey, what's a Double Ring-necked Widgeon doin' here?

They should be in Peru this time of year.

I don't know about the bird, but we're here to get you a marksmanship medal.

Open the breech.

(BRAKES SQUEAL)

Only one man, Dolan?

Yes, sir, but we weren't expecting you till 4:00.

If you can't make it then, I'll be glad to handle things.

One man. Let's fire him now.

Ever shoot for qualification before?

Uh, no, sir.

At ease.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, uh, if you'll permit me, Captain, sir, I'd like to make mention the fact that you have a loose thread here.

I'll just...

(NERVOUSLY) Uh... That's...

That's very bad workmanship.

Your tailor is very bad, also.

I could... Never mind!

Corporal, come here.

Should I come, also?

No! I'll wait here.

Where did you get that character?

For your information, sir, the Pentagon is greatly interested in that man.

The Pentagon?

Yeah. I think they'd appreciate it if you'd qualify him personally.

Oh, well, I see.

Take a break, Dolan.

Thanks, Captain.

The Captain's here to check Bixby.

Get ready to mark the bull's-eye.

Bull's-eyes?

That guy couldn't hit the target with a Howitzer at 10 feet!

Mark 'em. They'll be there.

One, two, three.

All right, soldier. At ease.

Let's get started.

Sitting position.

(GRUNTS)

You may need this.

Oh. Thank you, sir.

Now, remember, don't jerk.

No, sir.

CAPTAIN: Got the bull's-eye on top of your sight?

BIXBY: Yes, sir.

(BIXBY YELPS)

I'm sorry, sir, but it's not my fault.

The government got cheated.

They spent $10 million on a gun that wouldn't kick, and this one kicks.

Bull's-eye?

Yeah? Let me see. (YELPS)

I'm-I'm sorry, Captain.

It is a bull's-eye.

I guess before this I wasn't checking on the left windage.

Yeah, well, let's make sure that one wasn't luck.

Squeeze off another one.

Yes, sir.

Oh, Captain, could...

Could I move over, please?

What's the matter?

Well, I keep landing on this.

All right. All right.

Remember, easy. Easy.

Got the target?

Yes, sir, I got it zeroed in. Fire.

(CHUCKLES) Boy, I never even felt that one.

Another bull's-eye.

Yeah? Another bull's-eye!

Well, like I say, I never even felt it.

I just squeezed as easy...

(LOUD GUNSHOT)

Fire! (LOUD GUNSHOT)

Bull's-eye.

(CHUCKLES)

Ready, fire! (LOUD GUNSHOT)

Bull's-eye.

Ready, fire! (LOUD GUNSHOT)

(GROANS)

Bull's-eye.

CAPTAIN: Bull's-eye.

Bull's-eye.

Bull's-eye. Bull's-eye.

Bull's-eye. Standing position.

Bull's-eye.

(CHUCKLES)

Bull's-eye.

(CHUCKLES)

Bull's-eye.

That's great shooting. Thank you, sir.

You've already qualified for expert without the last shot.

I'll shoot another one. Never mind. Take a break while I recheck your score.

Thank you very much, sir.

And you were very good, also.

Pretty good, huh, Corporal?

I guess it's like anything else.

You just have to have the knack for it.

(LAUGHS)


(GRUNTS)

Rear tire, sir.

Seems to be a bullet hole.

A bullet hole?

Where would a bullet come from?

Well, the rifle range is three-quarters of a mile that way, sir.

But the targets are in the opposite direction from us.

A soldier'd have to be shooting backwards to hit this road.

That's right, sir.

I wonder...

No, no, not even him.

MAN: ...bags in the truck, personal items...

I'd like to say good-bye to you, Corporal.

Good-bye, Major.

I also want to thank you.

You've made Meredith a very happy young man.

Well, I kept my word. I qualified him.

So long, Major.

Very grateful to you, Corporal, and Washington is very pleased, too.

Well, I'm glad for you.

So long, Major.

I hope that gold turns to silver.

Hiya, Major. Look.

I see you know my buddy here.

Oh, yes. Very well.

The Corporal's just said good-bye to me three times.

So long, Bixby. Nice soldierin' with you.

Gonna miss you, boy.

Tell him, honey. Uh, sir.

(SILLY LAUGHTER)

Tell him what?

Well, you see, you've accomplished much more than you realize.

Thanks to all your hard work, Meredith now has his marksmanship medal, and what's more important, he qualifies as a soldier.

With only one month to serve, do you know what that boy's gone and done?

You mean... He's re-enlisted.

And what's more, he specifically requested to be assigned to your squad.

He's going to Africa with us?

I'm deserting.

Tough, cynical, and hard-hearted.

Well, you're still very sweet.

I'll be seeing you in North Africa, Corporal.

The general is coming over for an inspection tour.

(ENGINE STARTING)

Stan. Stan. Huh?

DOLAN: Bixby's going to Africa with us.

Let's hit sick call.

(STAN YELPING)

Sarge, we can't go to Africa with you.

We're both very sick.

Yeah, it hit us like this, right here.

(STAN GROANS) Yeah, yeah.

Guess you ought to go to the hospital.

Yeah. Right away.

Get on the bus!

(BOTH GROAN)

DOLAN: So, there we were, on our way to Morocco with Bixby aboard.

Halfway across the ocean, Stanley tried to push him through the emergency exit, and that's where I made the biggest mistake of my life.

I stopped him.

PULLEY: All right, line up here on me.

All right, hurry it up.

STAN: This is exotic Morocco?

Aw, don't get panicky, Stan.

The plane's gotta stop somewhere.

Hey, Sarge, how much further we gotta go?

About 100 feet.

And you'll have to carry your own bags.

All the bellboys are out playing polo.

(LAUGHS)

And to think I saved his life.

If I'd known about that joke, I'd...

"Almond-eyed beauties lend enjoyment

"to your Arabian nights come true."

PULLEY: Ten-hut!

At ease.

This is it, men.

We're an infantry unit assigned to the air base as a security detachment. Any questions?

Oh, yes, sir. I'd like to know how long we're going to be stationed in Morocco.

Well, I don't know, Bixby.

Certain supplies are missing and they suspect bandit tribes.

We'll be here until we've stopped the pilfering.

All right, Sergeant, you can take the men to the tent area.

PULLEY: Yes, sir.

Ten-hut!

Left face!

Forward march!

(PLANE WHIRRING)

You got it.

Two passes and a jeep.

Oh, man, how you operate!

We gotta pick up potatoes in Port Oulet for the mess.

How'd you swing it?

I reminded Sergeant Grimes of the cute little Fraulein we lined up for him in Munich.

That dog?

Stanley, for every man there's a woman.

Here. Let's go.

(CHUCKLES)

Somebody has to pick up the potatoes for breakfast.

And here we were, all set for a night of fun playing ping-pong.

PULLEY: Hurry up, Bixby! Doubles.

BIXBY: Yes, sir! PULLEY: Move over!

You men would be lost in Port Oulet without Meredith.

He speaks Arabic.

Yeah. (SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

That means, "Here we go."

Potato depot and back!

Yes, sir!

(VENDOR CALLING OUT IN ARABIC)

(JEEP HORN HONKS)

Come on, let us through there!

(SPEAKING ARABIC)

I'll tell him we're on a military mission.

(SPEAKING ARABIC)

(CAMEL GRUNTS) (SPEAKING ARABIC)

Let me see what I said.

(LAUGHS)

I just made him the African distributor for Paramount pictures. (LAUGHS)

(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)

Hey, stop the jeep. Stop it! Hold it!

What's the matter?

WENASLAWSKY: I think something's wrong with the left front tire.

Take a look, will you, Bix?

Get a load of that sign up there.

Sixty dancing girls. 60, pal!

Thirty each. That oughta be fair enough.

Hey, there's nothing wrong with the front tire.

DOLAN: Oh? Well, uh, why don't you stick around here while we reconnoiter the area?

Yeah, we'll find that potato depot if it takes all night.

Yeah, you ain't foolin' me.

You're not lookin' for no potatoes, you're lookin' for tomatoes.

BOTH: Aww!

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

♪ Why you pay?

♪ Da, da, da, da, da

♪ You don't pay the cow for giving milk

♪ Giving milk

♪ The silkworm for giving up her silk

♪ Up her silk

♪ And when you buy the fruit

♪ You don't pay the trees

♪ There's only one thing that's troubling me

♪ Who started charging for the things that are free?

♪ Why you pay?

♪ Da, da, da, da, da ♪ Why you pay?

♪ Da, da, da, da, da

♪ You pay for the gold down in the mines

♪ In the mines

♪ For grapes, do you ever pay the vines?

♪ Pay the vines

♪ For honey and such you don't pay the bee

♪ You don't pay the ocean for the fish in the sea ♪

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

What?

Your order, monsieur.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, I'd like to have a malt, please.

(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)

Um, a malt. A malt.

Milk shake?

Malt.

Ah, yes, a Moroccan delight.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Oui. Yeah. Thank you.

This is a very nice place you've got here.

Thank you, monsieur.

I see you get all the convention business.

(INDISTINCT LAUGHING AND TALKING)

(TRIBAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Oui. Merci. Pardon.

Hey, she sure is beautiful.

She's our featured singer.

Oh, really?

Perhaps monsieur would like a table?

Oh, yeah, could I get one?

Oh, thank you.

Would you send my Moroccan thing over?

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

ALI: Yes? Zita: Zita.

(LOCK CLICKS)

I have just come from the steamship company.

You did not send the money for my passage as you promised.

I changed my mind.

I'm selfish.

I like beautiful things around me.

(ANGRILY) I want the money that is coming to me.

I have accepted that offer in Mexico City.

You will go to Mexico City when I say so.

Meanwhile, sing pretty.

I'll get the money. From someone.

ALI: Let her out.

(LOUD TALKING)

Beauty often gives women a false sense of security.

Abdul tells me an American infantry company has arrived to guard the supplies.

This weapon, how many more parts must we obtain before it is complete?

The Americans are a little late.

This is the last we need.

Good.

Contact Sheik Djilali.

Tell him we are ready to make delivery on the big gun he ordered. Yah.

(TRIBAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(MAN LAUGHING)

♪ Who started charging for the things that are free?

♪ Who started charging for the things that are free?

♪ Who started charging for the things that are free?

♪ Da, da, da, da, da ♪ Why you pay?

♪ Da, da, da, da, da ♪ Why you pay?

♪ Da, da, da, da, da ♪ Why you pay? ♪

How do you like that?

Sixty dancing girls. Sixty!

Well, at least they were telling the truth about their ages.

Hey, what happened to our boy Bixby?

First night in a strange town, where would he be?

At the library, naturally.

Memorizing something.

♪ Here comes Zita

♪ Here comes Zita ♪

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Peter.

Tom.

You.

♪ It's the same ♪ It's the same

♪ It's the same ♪ It's the same

♪ It's the same the whole world over

♪ It's exactly the thrill on a hill in Brazil

♪ That it is in a cove in Dover

♪ It's the same ♪ It's the same

(HICCUPS) ♪ It's the same

♪ For a dame all the world is clover

♪ For the thing that you seek in Tahiti or Rome

♪ Is the same thing you seek on the back porch at home

♪ Let his hair be straight or curled

♪ It's the same all over the world

♪ It's the same all over

♪ It's the same all over

♪ It's the same all over

♪ It's the same ♪ It's the same

♪ Oh, it's the same ♪ It's the same

♪ It's the same the whole world over

♪ Things you thought you would learn

♪ From Pierre and Antoine

♪ Seems you'd already learned

♪ Thanks to Tom, Dick, and Jon

♪ Let his hair be straight or curled

♪ It's the same all over the world

♪ It's the same all over

♪ It's the same all over ♪

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Oh. (SNIFFS)

(COUGHS)

(BAND SHOUTING AND HOOTING)

(TEMPO INCREASES)

Yay, yay, yay!

(ALL CLAPPING)


♪ Let his hair be straight or curly

♪ It's the same ♪ It's the same

♪ It's the same ♪ It's the same

♪ Love's the same all over the world ♪


(KNOCKING)

Well?

Hello. Are you cute little Rosie Callahan who lived over her father's grocery store in Scranton, Pennsylvania?

Well, that's a new approach.

Well, are ya? 'Cause if you are, I'd like to buy you one of those pleasurable Monacos, that drink they sell.

You mean, there is really a Rosie Callahan?

Oh, yeah, she was a scrawny little thing, and boy, am I glad she grew up to look like you.

I do not appear scrawny to you?

Oh, no.

As a matter of fact, the other way around.

Yes, I'll have a drink with you.

Oh!

(BOTH SPEAKING FRENCH)

Oui. Oui.

Here we are.

Merci. You're welcome.

Oh, waiter!

Two more of these pleasurable Monacos, please.

WAITER: Oui, monsieur.

And bring a larger table. Oui, monsieur.

Tell me, how did I remind you of that girl Rosie?

Oh. Well, you're both very much alike.

You're both very nice kids.

And a guy would never dream of ever makin' a pass at you.

And you'd probably be wonderful mothers to your children.

When you're married, that is.

I envy your Miss Callahan.

Oh, yeah.

Say, would you like to dance?

Yes! Tonight I'll be Rosie.

Oh! Well, crazy, baby.

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, this joint looks like it's got a little more life to it.

Hey, we better start lookin' for Bix pretty soon, huh?

He might be in trouble. Yeah.

Well, let's sit here and worry about it for a couple of hours.

Two of anything. BARTENDER: Oui, monsieur.

(GASPS) Get a load of that!

(WHISTLES)

No doll should be put together like that.

It's illegal.

Some jerk's got all the luck.

Stan, that jerk happens to be our bosom buddy.

Oh, hi, fellas.

Hey, I want you to meet my friends.

Wait! I would love to meet your friends, but after I change.

Oh, okay.

This is for making me feel like Rosie Callahan.

Thank you.

Let me see, now.

I have, uh, excuse me.

$72.50 in the First National Bank in Scranton.

And then, uh, $37 my Uncle Herman left me, and if I cash in my savings bonds, I'll just have enough.

Enough for what? Well, for Zita.

I'm lending her the money so she can have her passage back to Mexico City.

Now, look, Bix, we don't have to tell you about girls, but it's not smart to lend money to strangers.

Stranger? She's no stranger. I'm gonna marry her.

You're gonna what?

I'm gonna marry her. Aw, now, look, Bix...

No, we're engaged, and I feel that she should be entitled to wear my fraternity pin.

And then all I have to do is find out if Zita's her first name or her last name.

For the Scranton papers.

I'll see you later, fellas.

We better break this up.

I say we pass.

That boy's a walking booby-trap.

You don't get it.

I don't like to see a guy taken, even Bixby.

You pick up the potatoes, Stan, and you and Bix head back to the base.

And what're you gonna do?

Break this up.

And you know, that could be fun.

(BUGLE SOUNDING REVEILLE)

Okay. Okay, then it's settled, darling.

Zita if it's a boy, Meredith if it's a girl.

(BUGLE SOUNDING REVEILLE)

(GROANS) Oh, those musical chimes.

Rise and shine, Larry.

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

Larry? Hey, Larry, your squad's on guard duty today.

Larry?

Pulley make bed check?

Uh-uh. Hey, where's our boy been all night, hey, kid?

Yeah, where've you been all night, Larry?

Ah, doing a little research for the Dolan Institute for Brotherhood and Sisterhood.

I like your taste, kid.

Thank you. My taste in what?

In dolls.

Uh... this is yours, Bix.

Around 2:00 a.m. Zita called off your engagement.

I was doing you a favor, Bix.

Listen, she'd have taken you for every dime you got.

She's not for Scranton, she's not for you.

Aw, now. Listen, Bix...

Rough, but I had to do it.

Poor kid. It hit him like a ton of bricks.

Voom! Tell me everything.

Stop drooling, boy. Nothing happened.

You struck out?

On three pitches. You're kidding.

Would I kid about striking out?

How'd you get the fraternity pin?

Oh, I made up a story about Bixby getting cold feet.

She burst into tears and threw it at me.

Figure dames.

She really likes the guy.

So, what were you doing all night?

Hitchhiking back to the base.

Three ox carts, two burros, and a camel that made all stops.

Ground all planes.

I gotta get some sleep.

Up, lambkins, we're playing soldier today and you're corporal of the guard. Come on.

DOLAN: A normal human being would've had a normal, human reaction, like killing himself. But not Bixby.

He had to do something drastic.


MAN: Hey, hey, hey. (CAMEL GRUNTS)

(WHISPERS) Thank you.

Thank you.


Ou est everyone?

Attencion!

What do you want?

(STRAINING) I'm looking for Mademoiselle Zita.

Why do you wish to see Mademoiselle Zita?

I just want to give her my fraternity pin.

ALI: Oh.

I shall give it to her.

Oh. Thank you very much.

Give her my fraternity pin and tell her I was here, would you, please?

And tell her that I went to join the Foreign Legion.

Suicide Squad.

Hey, la boite!

Oh, la boite!

I'm sorry. I almost left with your boite.

Oh, the L-47 resistors.

Looks to me like you're puttin' together the R-2 cannon.

Hey, I gave him his boite back!

It's only war surplus.

You see, my friend, I have a youngster.

He's only six years old, but he's very intelligent, and he likes to tinker with these mechanical things.

Oh. (GULPS) That's very nice, but I hope your son is a genius because there's only a handful of army specialists that can put the R-2 together.

Only a handful?

Why, yes, and they're all in America.

All in America?

Yeah, all except me, and I'm here.

You can assemble the R-2 rapid-fire cannon?

Oh, sure.

Oh, yeah. I-I can put it together, except it is very, very complicated.

If I may show you.

You see, there's various elements involved.

For instance, like the 209 tube sets in easy enough, but not everyone knows that it's a turn to the right.

Now, if you don't do this correctly, the thing can blow up, and there's hundreds of various elements such as this that you have to be aware of. (CHUCKLES)

Well, I'll see you around.

Excellent! You passed the test!

I wished I flunked. What test?

The test of supreme courage.

Monsieur, you are standing now in the headquarters of the Foreign Legion Secret Service.

If you wish to join, you can join immediately.

Oh, thank you.

I didn't know there was a Secret Service.

Oh, that's because we wish to keep it a secret.

Oh. Well, I won't say nothing. Honor bright.

May I present, Colonel Dubois and his staff.

Major Andre, Sergeant Durande.

BIXBY: I'm glad to see...

Come. We leave at once for your first assignment to an oasis.

Two days' ride in the desert.

There, you can assemble the cannon.

(HESITATINGLY) Oh, I can assemble the cannon?

For your son?

Yes, for my son. Oh.

You are now one of us mon capitane.

I'm a captain. Do I get a uniform?

Later. Come!

Colonel.

Major. Thank you.

Uh, Sergeant, let's not forget the rank.

Sergeant, Captain. (CHORTLES)

Patience, my angel.

We will not lose him.

MAN: Hey, Dolan, the singer at the Pink Camel asked me to deliver this to you.

What were you doin' in the Pink Camel, Sarge?

The same as you guys were doing.

Looking for the potato depot.

Hey, this is a note from Zita.

Says Bixby's life's in danger.

Hey, that's tough.

How about a little ping-pong?

Hey, "Notifying the police

"means certain death for Meredith, "but three people traveling under cover of night

"have a chance to rescue him."

Come on.

We're going? No, Stanley.

First, we're gonna list all the reasons why we shouldn't, then we're going.

But wait!

Well, what can happen?

We get killed.


(TAPPING)

BIXBY: Sergeant!

Mon capitane!

Screwdriver.

Pliers.

Wrench.

Please, can I kill him now?

Not until he has completed the assembly.

He's mad with power.

This morning, I forgot to salute him.

Fifty push-ups!

I know, mon petit.

Well, that does it! It's finished.

Now? Now.

Doggone it!

Something wrong?

Yeah. This is supposed to elevate the muzzle.

I must have my stabilizer wires crossed.

Sergeant. Mon capitane?

Hand me that galvanometer, will you?

Where's your knife?

Why isn't it in its proper place?

You're out of uniform.

Fifty more push-ups!

Hit the sand!

He's a very nice fella, but he needs discipline.

We've have word from Sheik Djilali.


Double S 0-0-5, double S 0-0-6, which completes the assembly.

Well, you're all finished, baby.

Fire when ready!

Hey, hey, hey!

The cannon is completed.

Can I kill him now?

Why not?

A thousand thanks. No, no, no, wait.

Djilali will want a demonstration.

Who will explain this intricate mechanism, a dead man?

Do not weep, my little one.

Monsieur Bixby will dine with us tonight, and tomorrow you can kill him.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow!

And the dinner must be an epicurean delight.

I understand the last meal is quite a tradition in his country.

Go. Extend the invitation to Monsieur Bixby.

(GASPS) Oh. Hello.

(STAMMERS NERVOUSLY) I think we're in terrible trouble.

This cannon won't work for at least a couple of months.

Well, that doesn't matter.

Aren't you hungry?

Dinner's almost ready.

Oh. Oh, no, thank you, very much.

I'm not hungry.

Oh, I know.

You don't want to eat with me because... Because you don't like me.

Oh, oh, no! No! That's not the case at all.

On the contrary, I've grown to like you very much.

Oh? Oh, yeah, and I think that that rank business is silly.

Sergeant and captain.

We should both be the same.

Would you like me to do push-ups for you?

No, no, I like the push-ups.

They make my wrists strong.

I'll show you. Watch.

(CHORTLES)

Let's prepare for dinner.

Well, I'm not very hungry, honest.

B-but I'm not too hungry... Let's prepare.

(YELPS)

Wait!

Stan! Larry!

Gee, am I glad to see you guys.

They're gonna kill me tomorrow.

This is no time for good news. We gotta get outta here.

Yeah, let's get moving. We can't.

I just assembled the R-2 cannon.

It's all ready to go.

You put that together in two days?

Don't forget, he memorizes.

Okay, so we'll take the R-2 with us.

You wait out by the camels.

If we're not there in 10 minutes, head out for Port Oulet, okay?

Now, look, we gotta move fast and quiet.

Don't use these unless we have to.

Mmm. These are good. What are they?

They got such a nice flavor.

Oh, they're stuffed with goats' eyes.

We had 'em for supper.

I had to ask.

Where's the cannon?

Here we are, and just 100 yards is the palm grove, and right over there is the cannon.

Got it.

Keep 10-yard intervals, and follow me.

Keep low and watch out for sentries.


The American.

He is to live until tomorrow.

But he's headed for the big gun.

We follow him.

(SOFTLY) You guys are goin' around in circles.

Follow me. I'll get you there.


Uh-oh.

Trouble.

Couple of guards.

But don't worry about it.

They know me. I'll get rid of 'em.

(SHOUTING IN GIBBERISH)

Where were you? Where you been?

Stan, Larry. I-I thought you guys were with me.

I was talking all the time, and I thought that you were...

And I didn't know... What's with the hands?

There's nothin' to worry because...

Yeah, I think they got us.

(MAN SHOUTING IN ARABIC)

Meredith! Meredith!

(WHISPERS) Here's the key. (KEY CLINKS)

BIXBY: Zita!

Can you reach it, Larry?

I can't even reach myself.

(GRUNTS)

(ALL STRAINING)

BIXBY: Let me try.

Let me try it this way.

(STRAINING) No, that ain't it! That ain't it.

No, let's try over again. BIXBY: No?

BIXBY: Wait, Larry, turn over on your right.

Try it on your right, Larry. Yeah? Like this?

BIXBY: No, Larry.

(STRAINING) That's no good. I ain't breathin'.

(GRUNTING)

I think I can reach it over here.

All right.

(GRUNTING)

DOLAN: I'll get it. I'll get it.

BIXBY: Wait, Stan. DOLAN: I'll get it!

I got it. Stan...

WENASLAWSKY: (STRAINING) A little more!

DOLAN: I can't give you anymore.

BIXBY: Stan, Larry. Wait. (BOTH GROANING)

Hey, wait a minute.

No, wait, fellas.

Wait. No, this... This is no good.

DOLAN: Well, you try it.

Let me just sit up.

WENASLAWSKY: All right, you see if you can do it.

Let me clear some of these...

DOLAN: Give him some slack.

Here. BIXBY: Wait, Larry, Let me... That's it.

(GRUNTS) Ooh!

Just move up a little, Larry.

Stan, can you move up a little?

(GRUNTS) I...

DOLAN: (GRUNTS) Ah, Bix! Got it?

(ALL GRUNTING)

WENASLAWSKY: Got it, Bix? Come on.

Come on, Bix! That a boy.

I got it!

I lost it.

DOLAN: (GROANS) Oh, you idiot!

(BIXBY YELPS)

I couldn't help it.

I think maybe if we would have pulled the, uh...

If this...

Hey, it's open!

(LAUGHING)

Wait, wait. Yeah, I'll get it.

WENASLAWSKY: Oh! I'm loose!

I can't get this one. BIXBY: Wait.

(LOUD CLANG) Ooh!

That worked on that one, too.

(LOUD THUD)

Don't shoot!

What should I do with him? DOLAN: Drop him.

There are four more of them right out there.

Come here, Bix.

Larry, give me a hand. What are you gonna do?

Let's get the clothes off this guy.

(ALL SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(CHAINS JINGLING)

Oh, fleas. Fleas!

Oh, fleas. Fleas.

(LAUGHING) Hmm! Go away!

Oh, go away!

(SCREAMING)

Fleas. (YELPS)

(ALL SHOUTING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

DOLAN: The coast is clear! BIXBY: Help!

Wait, Stan, Larry!

Larry, Stan!

Larry! Wait!

Stan! Larry!

(KNOCK AT DOOR) No, open it.

Open up! Larry, Stan! Please!

(ARABS SHOUTING)

Hold it. Hold it.

Get this uncovered and hooked onto the cannon.

(ZITA SCREAMING)

Zita's in trouble!

(SHOUTS)

(ZITA SHRIEKS)

ALI: Admit it, you brought the two Americans here.

Admit it!

This camel driver saw you.

Did you go to the police, too?

Did you?

(YELPS)

Are you going to talk?

(GROANS)

Run for the tractor. Quick!

ALI: The Americans have escaped!

(ALL YELLING)

(GRUNTS)

You can't do it up there, but when I let you down, 50 more push-ups!

(HORSE NEIGHING)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Hip-hup! Hip-hup!

What a sloppy outfit!

Let's keep in step, you fat anteater!

You pig! You swine!

May you live to die a thousand deaths!

No profanity there. There's a lady in the desert.

May your wife be as... I'll kill you!

Come on and suck in that stomach, you yellow bellies!

(JETS ROARING)

A happy day, mon general.

The capture of Ali Mustapha and those renegades is welcome news to my people.

For two years now, that outlaw has immobilized my finest regiment.

Your three soldiers have accomplished a magnificent feat.

Thank you, gentlemen, but they'll still have to answer for going AWOL.

DOLAN: Get me out of here! Get this thing off me!

(BIXBY, DOLAN AND WENASLAWSKY SHOUTING) Here they come.

Bring your companies to attention!

SOLDIER: Company, attention!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING IN JEEP)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

BIXBY: Help! My foot!

I can't get my foot...

My foot is stuck!

DOLAN: Bixby, look out!

(WHISTLING AND SHOUTING)

BIXBY: Larry!

Stan, lift... Give me a hand. Help!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Ooh! Did you cut yourself?

Oh, it's just a little nick.

Just a scratch. Here.

Keep your finger here on the artery.

And don't worry about it.

The human body has six quarts of blood.

Let me kill him now! Please, Larry!

Too many witnesses. I'll help you later.

I'm sorry, sir, but the rubber on my heel melted and stuck to the accelerator.

Somehow, Bixby, I knew there would be a logical explanation.

I remember you when I was commanding general at Camp Calhoun.

Yeah. Now, may we get on with the ceremony?

Oh, yes. Oh, yes, sir.

I'm-I'm sorry.

You know what happened? Oh.

Allons ici.

(DRUMROLL)

Corporal Dolan, Private Wenaslawsky, Private Bixby.

(FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYING)

In awarding you the Foreign Legion Citation of Gallantry, we pay tribute to a magnificent type of bravery by three brave men of the American army.

So to you, Corporal Dolan, Private Wenaslawsky, Private Bixby...

We express our gratitude.

By your coolness, your audacity, your intelligence, you have performed a deed of valor which contributed greatly to our cause.

DOLAN: So the French gave us each a medal and a kiss.

And we were ready for the MPs.

They weren't going to kiss us.

(GROANS)

(LOUD SMACK)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

DOLAN: And you, Major, just had to be in at the finish.

Why did they have to waste a beautiful body on a senior consultant from the Manhattan Institute for Psychological Research?

And why did I...

How about that, Larry?

With a medal! Isn't that terrific?

I got the same medal. Stanley, congratulations.

You got a medal just like I got a medal.

Isn't that terrific? You know, Larry...

Oh, listen, you know what?

Ah, democracy.

It is wonderful.

(LAUGHS)

Would you gentlemen care to join me?

On, certainly.

Major. Excuse me, please.

I don't like to interrupt the kissing, but could you be good enough to tell me what happened to Zita?

Oh, she sailed from Port Oulet this morning.

Oh. For Mexico City, huh?

No, Scranton.

Oh, Scranton! Oh, Scranton!

That's where I live! That's my hometown!

Oh! Oh, no!

Hey, no, no, wait!

Don't you know that's no way to carry a gun?

According to the army manual, You hold the gun correct...

There is only one man who could have possibly...

My apologies, gentlemen.

♪ I'm the genuine original

♪ First edition copy of Sad... ♪

(SNEEZES)