l'm gettin' somethin' on the sonar! What is it?
Strong reading from underneath the cap rock, sir!
Possible oil flow? Still analysing.
Sounds like, uh...
Let's go skating!
They're coming right at us! Take us to Elfcon three!
Take us to Elfcon three.
These guys aren't stopping.
Take us to Elfcon two! Let's go to Elfcon two.
We have a partridge in a pear tree.
You take us to Elfcon one. Let's rig for silent running.
Look alive, everybody! OK, we're at Elfcon one.
[beeping and whirring]
l lost it! What do you mean, you lost it?
Sir, you're gonna want to hear this.
[Smokey Robinson sings] * You better watch out
* You better not cry
* You better not pout and I'm telling you why Find out where that music's coming from.
Santa, l've got her on the locator.
* He knows when you are sleeping
* He knows when you're awake
* He knows if you've been bad or good
* So be good for goodness'...
* Yeah, yeah, yeah
* You better watch out
* You better not cry
* You better not pout
* And I'm telling you why
* Santa Claus is coming to tow-...
What now? lt's just gone. ln the middle of the chorus!
Nobody needs to know about this.
Maybe we should mention the Smokey Robinson thing, sir.
[elf over Tannoy] We're at Elfcon four. All clear.
Curtis, what do you say we get you headphones this Christmas? lt's all right, everybody. Let's get back to work.
Curtis, you're 900 years old. Grow up!
You know l didn't break any of the rules - according to The Santa Handbook.
The handbook! Curtis, do you go pee-pee with that thing? lt says elves are encouraged to listen to music. lt makes them more creative, more productive and more alert.
[reindeer babbles with excitement]
Aagghh! [loud thump] lt's OK. Let's go! ls he all right?
Wow! That's gonna leave a mark.
Oof! ls that Blitzen? Looks like Prancer.
Who is that? lt was Chet.
A reindeer in training. Oh.
Well, please tell me that it's early in his training.
Wow! Nice fall.
Curtis, when are you gonna tell him?
lt's so cold up here. How can you not be freezing?
You have not seen cold till you see where my dad lives. lt's...
Don't be embarrassed. My parents are divorced.
No big deal. l'm not embarrassed.
Why don't you talk about your dad? He doesn't like me to. lt's complicated. ls he a spy?
He works with toys and these... little people. Kids.
Can we just do what we came here to do?
Charlie, this is really dangerous.
Someone could catch us at any moment.
Well, you know, Danielle, l may not come out of this alive.
So, in case we don't see each other again...
Are you OK?
[* Danger Danger: Naughty Naughty Christmas]
Almost done. OK. l'm not leaving.
* I've been a naughty boy
* I didn't get a toy
* Santa Claus left nothing underneath my tree
* He knows that I've been bad
* But being good just ain't my bag...
Hello, Principal Newman.
[Santa tightens bolt]
OK, try it now.
[engine revs, kids cheer]
OK, all right. Here's what we need.
Get one more bolt on that flange and it's ready for Christmas.
Good work, guys. Whew!
Perfect job on suspension, you guys.
Thinkin' outside the box. l love it.
Do you want a cookie, Santa? Do l want a cookie?
Yes! What's fresh?
Sweet, just like you.
Alexander, let's think.
Take the hat off.
Too much counterweight.
Thanks, Santa. You're the man.
That's why they give me the big belly, so l don't fall over!
Hey, Joey! How's that static-free-tinsel coming?
Hey, guys, Santa wants to see the new tinsel.
l could come up there and take care of this the ugly way.
Or... we go outside and play some football.
Curtis, you need to tell him right now! l don't know. He's so happy right now.
And why do l have to be the one to tell him?!
Because l'm the head elf. l don't give bad news. lt's one of the perks of my seniority.
Now, tell him!
Come on, pork chop. Bring it on.
Who you callin' pork chop, meatloaf?
You wanna talk some trash? l'll talk trash with ya.
But first, l'm gonna blitz. Ready, set! l'm comin' after you, buddy. Seven swans a-swimming!
Six geese a-laying!
Five golden rings!
Hey, who's got the ball? l can see it. Let go of me.
He's too quick! He spins! He moves! He's on the way!
And he might go all the... way!
Rumblin', stumblin', bumblin'!
Oh, they pile on!
OK, you win!
You guys aren't elves. You're wizards!
No matter how many times you run that play l never see it comin'.
Santa? We need to talk.
That's weird, isn't it? [both] Uh-oh!
These fit yesterday. Hot cocoa for you.
This is not a good time, Abby. l sent Dasher down for some Brazilian cocoa beans.
What's the bad news? What do you mean?
Whenever you play the designer bean card, you have bad news.
What are you doing with the naughty-and-nice list?
Don't shoot the messenger.
lt's... Charlie. Sheen? l thought he straightened out. Not that Charlie.
My Charlie. My son Charlie? He's on the naughty list?
There's gotta be a mistake. We don't make mistakes. l'm sorry, Santa. Please excuse me.
How could this happen? ls this what you were trying to tell me?
Great! You told him! Let's get you dressed for that meeting. l can't have the meeting here. l'm gonna have to see Charlie.
Number two, tell him now. Tell me what, guys? Come clean.
Santa, there's a clause. That would be me.
No, l mean there's another Santa clause.
Curtis, in case you haven't noticed - this time of year, the malls are filled with other ''Santa Clauses''.
Yes, but there's another Santa clause.
There was a first clause, but also a second clause.
Get on with it!
When the last Santa fell off your roof and you put on his coat, you found this.
Right. ''He who wears the coat takes on the responsibilities of Santa Claus.''
And the rest would be history, right?
But it seems our number two elf, the keeper of the handbook, overlooked the single most important detail in the history of Christmas!
Wow! One mistake in 900 years.
Look. l can't see that. Better now?
Or now? Well...
Better now? lt's gettin' there.
Or now? l can't see anything. l see. Good, good, good. l see it. OK.
''The card holder acknowledges a woman of his choosing...''
''True love... Not valid in the state of Utah...''
matrimony?!'' l gotta get married! Yes. lt's... the Mrs clause.
[they sing ''Here Comes The Bride'']
What if l don't want to get married?
Oh, dear. The de-Santification process has begun!
Are you telling me that clause says if l don't get married... l don't get to be Santa any more?
Wh-... what about the kids?
What about the elves?
What about you guys? lt's not completely hopeless.
You still have time to find a wife.
How much time do l have? 28 days.
28 days? So l've gotta... find a wife by Christmas.
Actually, Christmas Eve.
l guess it's over. No! You can't think that way!
Please, don't give up hope.
Cos if you do, then we have to.
[delighted cries] Whoa!
Christmas is getting very complicated.
Are you with us? l'm sorry, yes. Yes, l am.
Well, on behalf of Father Time and the Council of Legendary Figures, l'd like to thank you for being such a gracious host.
Hear, hear. What a lovely place.
Without further ado, let us convene the year-end conference.
Tooth Fairy. Thank you, Mother Nature.
Fellow Council members, l'd like to again propose a new name for myself.
Oh, please! Good heavens! ln the past, you have rejected Tooth Man, Tooth Guy and Tooth.
Because they stunk. Today, l'd like to submit...
Captain Floss. Nice!
Plaque Man. [snorts]
And Roy. [laughs] Roy! No.
No kid's gonna put a tooth under a pillow for a man named Roy.
This from someone in a diaper who shoots people's butts!
Wait a minute. l got it. l got it. l got it.
Now, how about this? The Molarnator.
The Molarnator! l like it.
Thank you, Santa. Can we vote now on the Molarnator?
All in favour of a name change for Tooth Fairy?
All right. And all opposed?
Sandman? [snores] Wha-...?
What happened? Was l asleep again?
Name change for the Tooth Fairy. Yes or no?
No. l'm sorry.
All right. Next item on the agenda. Santa? Status report.
OK. First, welcome to the North Pole. Great to have you here.
This is our big time of year, so things are busy as usual.
There's a little speed bump in the road this year.
You all know Charlie. l love Charlie!
Great kid. Good boy.
Sweet kid. Good teeth.
Well, Charlie... got himself on the naughty list.
What?! Oh, my! l'm struggling with the timing, cos it's... l gotta be up here and l've also got to take care of Charlie...
That's every parent's dilemma: how to balance work and children.
Most people lose sleep over that.
Tell me about it! l have 33,000 offspring. All in private school.
Well, to top it off... l have to get married by Christmas Eve.
What?! Otherwise l stop being Santa.
The de-Santification process has already begun.
Wait a minute.
You do look thinner, and...
Your beard is shorter! Right? [others] You're right!
Apparently, it's called the Mrs clause.
Don't mess with me, Santa. l'm pre-El Nino.
No, l'm not messing with anybody. What l'm saying is... l have to find a wife in...
27 days, 20 hours and 1 7 minutes.
Wow! lt's what l do.
Wait a minute. Cupid! Cupid, come over here.
What do you need? Shoot me with a dart.
Then l'll fall in love. First of all, they're arrows.
Second of all, no can do.
Why not? Arrows have no effect on us. lf they did, l would have shot myself, met a nice girl, left the business years ago.
Enough with the questions. You can't stop being Santa. l don't want to.
Kids are 86 per cent happier since you've taken the job.
He's right. This is all l want to do.
But what am l gonna do?
You can't be two places at once.
Maybe you can be.
OK, everyone, can l get the room for a minute? Thank you.
Can l just...? One minute. Take a cocoa break.
Have a nice long break. Relax, everyone. l want to show Santa some improvements on the pantograph. Thanks.
Walk with me. l've tripled the RAM and reconfigured the circuitry. l see you've externalised the power source to make better use of the electromagnetic energy.
No, it's just there cos it looks really cool.
Yeah, it does. [chuckles]
Wait a minute. You tripled the RAM. l see where this is going. l am not getting in that machine.
Besides, creating a copy of Santa won't solve our problems.
The elves'll know. But this would be a special toy!
How's that, Curtis? l added a fuzzy logic circuit.
The duplicate will look and think just like you.
When you're with your family, dealing with Charlie, looking for a wife...
The toy will be up here melting in front of my fireplace.
No, the toy Santa will be dealing with business up here. l can deal with business up here.
Santa, if the elves find out we've made a switch... Aaggh!
No! No! This machine is not the answer.
[clattering and squeaking]
Hey! Hey! Hey! You! You! Shoo!
Hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
[engine powers down]
Look, you can't get much better than that.
And l promise - it won't hurt a bit.
l'm goin' in. l can't watch this!
[humming and whirring]
That's because it's me, Einstein.
Santa, are you all right? Yeah, l got a shock in there. ls there supposed to be a shock?
[all] lt's naked!
Throw something over it. lt's incredible! Yes, it is.
Can he talk?
Ho, ho, ho!
Ho, ho... ho!
Not bad. Not bad yourself.
l can't put my finger on it, but there's something about you that l like.
There's something about you that l like!
Watch him. l'll be right back. He's coming right back.
Bernard, l need your help. What do you mean?
What l mean is l gotta go see Charlie and l want you to convince the elves... that... toy Santa is me.
Hm. Have you seen that thing? l've seen it.
Keep the elves at a distance and say that l've changed my look, it'll work.
Santa, we're in way over our heads here. lf anybody can do this, it's you, number one. l... l'm not gonna lie to all the elves. l myself think he looks absolutely terrific!
Better and fresher somehow than he has in years.
There's now a more supple veneer to his skin and an added lustre to the thickness of his hair.
You could almost say there's a... a toy-like quality to him.
Most importantly, he's very happy with his new look, and l would caution you all not to point or stare or use the word ''plastic''.
Thank you. That's all. Back to work, please.
Comet, because l don't want to take Prancer. l want to take a trip with you. When's the last time we had a cruise? l love you, buddy.
Besides, Prancer had too many apples. We know what that means.
Before you go, take a look at your watch.
Hey! Can't go anywhere without that. l've done some work on it. lt's beautiful. lt really is.
You like it? The workmanship's fabulous. lt has a power reserve that measures how much magic you have left. lt's at ten. That should be enough.
But if you use up any magic for any reason the level drops.
Santa, if it gets to zero - you won't be able to return to the Pole.
Then let's not let it get to zero!
Now, look at me. Mm-hm?
What's the most important thing?
For you not to touch Santa?
For you to come back!
Comet, please just chill out a little bit, OK?
Come on! lt's not like we're pullin' the sleigh. Right?
There's no packages. lt's one stop.
And l think l might have forgot we're gonna go see Charlie.
Scott! Hey! You trimmed your beard.
Come here, big guy.
Whoa! Lost some weight there, huh?
Slim-Fast? You don't know how fast.
We should get going. Oh, OK.
How do you always know when there's a problem? l see you when you're sleepin'. l know when you're awake.
Which is a pretty frightening concept when you think about it.
We're really worried about Charlie.
He keeps upping the ante. This time he defaced school property. lt's classic acting out. l'm blaming myself for this.
We're both his parents. Where is he?
He's waiting for us in Principal Newman's office.
Something about her makes me want to deface public property.
Hello, Mr Calvin. Laura, Neil.
Miss Newman. Principal Newman.
Haven't seen you since the last time Charlie was in trouble. l've been travelling for work. lf you spent more time with your son there'd be fewer problems.
Then l wouldn't spend so much time with you, which is always such a pleasure.
A battle of wits. lt's a shame you come unarmed. Excuse me.
Good morning, Principal Newman.
Mr Picardo, l want you to look into my eyes. What do you see? lt's dark. And it's cold. lt's your future, Mr Picardo - keep this up and you will spend your life stabbing trash.
Do l make myself clear? Yes.
So what are you gonna do? l'm going to geometry.
Have a nice trip.
lt's an affront to authority and blatant disrespect for property. lf this continues l'll have no other recourse than to suspend..
Excuse me. ls there a rest stop between here and the end of the lecture? l'm more interested in why this happened in the first place.
So am l. Charlie, we're all worried about you. lt feels like you're trying to get someone's attention.
What's bothering you?
Dr Miller? Neil.
Neil, any theories? Well, frankly l have several.
Here we go. Let's just order a pizza.
Scott, you're not helping. l was listening to a tape series on child development last night.
You know what the problem is? Excuse me, Neil. lt's four weeks until Christmas.
That's a holiday in December. Oh.
Have you noticed the hallways? Not a decoration, not a twinkle light, not an expression of the joy kids are supposed to be feeling.
What kind of school is this? A public school.
A top-rated public school. That takes effort. And money.
Spending any of that money on holiday decorations would take away from the things that truly matter.
Forgive me, but l think holiday cheer really matters.
What are we going to do? We are worried...
Let me handle this. You know what you did is wrong. Right? l guess so. There's no guessing.
Guessing is gone. lt was wrong what you did.
And you're not gonna do it again. Promise me.
OK. There you go.
He won't do it again. Meeting is adjourned. lt most certainly is not! Charlie...
You know what else? Here's a little donation.
Why don't you buy yourself a wreath?
l am Santa Claus.
Yeah. No, no, l think that this is gonna work.
Good... Good job, Curtis.
Would it kill you to give a wholehearted compliment?
Ho, ho, ho.
Ho, ho, ho. Santa? l need you to look at this. All right!
No. l mean, l need you to read it.
Well, let's try to be specific, shall we?
Ha-ha! l'll take a look at it over at my desk.
How does he know where it is? l programmed him that way.
He has most of Santa's memories.
OK, we need you to study everything that's in that book because it is the key to being Santa.
Right! l'll memorise everything in the book. l'll follow all the rules.
Cos rules are very important! l like this guy. l can barely read this.
Hi. Oh. You look...
Like he got a good night's sleep.
Like you got a very good night's sleep.
How about a nice chocolatey cocoa?
Careful, it's hot. Of course it is.
That's delicious! l like cocoa!
Cocoa's superior refreshment! [laughs]
Get me some more cocoa!
Right away, Santa.
Ho, whoa! l think Santa feels a little buzz!
Let me get this straight. You were de-Santified?
And you only have 27 days to find a wife or you're out?
What are you gonna do? We dated for three years before you got up the courage to propose.
That's a pretty serious commitment issue, isn't it?
Yes, Sigmund. l was afraid l'd mess up the first time. l'm more afraid now. Dad, you can't give up.
There's never been a better Santa. l appreciate that. lt's for the best. lf l had spent more time with you, you'd spend less time in the spray paint industry.
Don't do that to yourself. You have been a great dad.
And being Santa has made you an even better man. l'm gonna go out on an emotional limb.
Don't try to make me cry.
Believe it or not, you have a great capacity for love. l know you can find someone wonderful to spend the rest of your life with.
Don't let the facts that you have no time, no prospects and a paralysing fear of intimacy get you down.
Have you ever helped anyone? Ever?
You know what l'm gonna do? l am gonna look through my phone book and see who's still single out there and not too bitter.
There's divorced moms at school who'll go out with anybody.
As promising as this sounds, l don't need help with this area.
Your old man was a high-school legend. A double letterman. l had a Mustang.
So as far as dating goes, l think if anybody can stir up the old mojo it would be moi.
Come on! l don't think there's a woman out there that doesn't want a piece of this.
Hi, Mom! Lucy!
Uncle Scott! How's my little sweet pea?
Ohh! l haven't seen you in a long time.
Tell me what's been happenin'. l learned to swim underwater.
And l'm not afraid! That's amazing!
Maybe we'll have to go to the mall and... get some ice cream.
Plenty of women at the mall. Charlie...!
Santa, look forward and put on a smiley face.
Say hello to your elves. Ho, ho, ho!
You're doing a wonderful job!
Santa, when you said the bigger wheels, is this what you meant?
Ho, ho, ho!
You're doing a wonderful job!
You're doing great. Dial it down on the ho-ho-ho's, but otherwise you're gold.
Ho, ho ho!
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
Why don't you just say it? ''You were right, Curtis. l was wrong.''
OK, OK, l admit it.
They're happy. They're working hard.
Everything's going to be fine.
This book is very interesting reading.
There's a lot of rules they're not following.
That's what l've been saying all along.
Things have gotten a little too sloppy around here.
Yes! Sloppiness means mistakes. Mistakes aren't a good thing!
l might have to make some changes here.
What do you have in mind? Let me show you.
There's many things. Look here...
Neil, are you sure you don't have any other clothes l can borrow? l mean, the idea tonight is to attract a woman.
What are you talking about? l look like a limesicle. l think it makes you look hot.
What do you think, Laura? Honestly, what do you think?
Doesn't he look hot, Laura? l think it's what's inside that really counts.
Thought you liked the sweater. We'll talk later. l'm off. l may need to borrow a car. l'm parked behind Neil. The minivan - l just had it washed.
OK, then. Well, wish me luck. l got a needlepoint sweater, and a minivan...
See ya in about eight minutes.
Tracy! Yes! lt's nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.
Here, why don't you sit down? Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
So, l'm so glad we finally got to do this. l'm pretty nervous. Oh, are you?
Laura says we have a lot in common. l hear that you love this time of year also? lt's my favourite time of year and my busiest time of year.
Whoa, look at the sweater! Yeah!
Some sweater. Like l should talk! l also have my Christmas charm bracelet.
That's beautiful. Look at 'em! Yeah. l wear it all year long just to keep the spirit alive.
That's gorgeous. A little teddy bear and packages. That's very nice.
So what work do you do? l'm in the toy business.
No way! Way!
That sounds so creative. l love it. l love creative people. Yeah?
So what do you do? l'm hoping someday to break into the music business.
As a singer-songwriter. No way!
What's your favourite music? Country-western.
[enthusiastically] Ohh! Yeah.
Do you like Shania Twain? Yeah!
* The best thing about singing at Christmas
* ls the cocoa, carolling and fun You know that one? l know that song.
* Go totally yuletide
* Takin' a sleigh ride You're good.
* Santa shirts, reindeer skirts
* Whoah-oh-oh! Hey!
* [off-key] Watchin' the windows fog, drinkin' some eggnog That's good. * Whoah-oh-oh!
* Fill up a stocking
* Spray on some flocking
[shouts] Put up a tree! Sports on TV!
[nasally] * Uh, whoah-oh-oh
* l want to be free, yeah to feel the way l feel
* Ah, ah, ah, ah Man!
* l feel like some Christmas
* Oh-oh, wow wow wow! *
You hated it? lt kind of scared me a little bit.
No, l just. l... l just... l wasn't prepared for a performance, so if l... l put myself out and that was not an easy thing to do. lf you can't support a woman's ambition, then l don't think there's any reason to continue this date.
[knock on door]
Dad? Hey, sport.
How'd it go?
Let's just say l'm not bookin' a church yet.
Boy, l'll tell ya, women are hard to figure out.
Tell me about it. You too, huh? Girl trouble?
Well, there's this one girl.
We just used to be friends and hang out at the mall and stuff.
Then one day l looked at her and l got this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. l started worrying about what to wear and what my hair looked like...
And then l wanted to kiss her.
How did she do that? l don't know. But they all can do that.
Oh, look at that. The snow globe!
This is so beautiful. l remember when Bernard gave this to you.
He said all l have to do to see you is shake it.
Now, all you have to do is yell down the hall.
And l'm there whenever you need me.
Yeah. l'm a little tired, Dad. l'll see you in the morning.
Good night. Night.
Can you turn the light off, please?
Yeah, cos it's such a big reach for you!
What do you mean it's not straight?
Sure it's straight. Uh-uh.
Maybe your head's crooked. [gabbles]
Prancer's not this picky. [Comet] Yes, he is.
Hi, Comet. Hi!
l've got something for you.
Hey, Lucy, what have you got there?
Careful with the sweets. He tends to overeat.
Uncle Scott, are you Santa Claus?
What? Why would you ask me something like that?
Cos you have a reindeer, and only Santa has reindeer.
Nonsense. A lot of people have reindeer.
Well... most of them live in Finland. l can't pronounce their names.
Besides, reindeer are too stupid to make good pets.
Well, l think you're very smart.
Well, l think he's learning at an excellent rate.
Oh, really? This morning he ate a bowl of waxed fruit.
Wait a minute. l need the naughty-and-nice list.
No. lt says l'm supposed to check it twice.
Santa already checked it. No, l didn't.
The real Santa. l am the real Santa! l'm sorry? l'm in charge here.
What? l check the list twice.
That's the rule. l like the rules.
You know how l feel. You're misunderstanding.
No, l'm the rule-maker. l like the rules. Santa likes rules. l've got a good idea. How about we have some fun?
Huh? lt's good to have fun. Right.
Santa, look over there. See those elves?
Go ahead. Go play some tinsel football.
What's the object of tinsel football? Come on down. lf you don't have the ball, get it. lf you have the ball, run to the end zone.
OK, l'll go get the football.
l've got the ball. What are you gonna do? Who's gonna stop me?
This is a lot of fun!
Oh, so sorry!
Come here! Stop! Slow down when l'm talking to you!
Come here, you! Come on.
He's headed east toward the main entrance!
Hello, Principal Newman.
Are Laura and Neil on their way?
No, l volunteered to go solo.
Oh. You look...
You've lost weight. Feeling all right? l was until l got this phone call.
Charlie, you promised you weren't gonna do this again.
What's the matter with you? l'm gonna have to punish ya. l'll ground him for... two months. l thought you were on my side! l'll go one better.
You're suspended. But... Dad! l'm as upset about this as you, but isn't there a punishment that doesn't mean takin' him out of school?
What did you have in mind? We could...
That's not a bad idea.
OK, Charlie. l want you to start by cleaning up this wall. l want everything off of there by tonight.
And then clean off every mark off every locker in this hallway.
Every one?! Do as she says, Charlie.
But l have homework, tests to study for.
Not my problem. l have a detention group on Saturday.
So we will all get together at the rec centre and scrape off graffiti at 8am.
See you both there. You say both of us?
No, l... l'm very busy. l do a lot of other community service.
That's good. You just got yourself elected parent rep.
And, Charlie... We'll talk about the suspension.
Curtis, what is he doing in the naughty-and-nice centre?
What's going on? l'm checking the naughty-nice list. l'm checking it twice. l already told you! lt's been checked. Don't worry. l do worry. There's a lot of mistakes. l'll give you a big fat for instance! ln Denmark, there's a guy named Sven Halstrom right here.
He's a Dane. He was wiping his nose on his sister's shirt.
Yuk! That's not very nice! And yet he's on the nice list.
We try to cut most children slack this time of year. l don't understand that! Kids are misbehaving everywhere.
They're running with scissors. They're sticky.
''l'm not gonna stop this car!'' ''No, we're not there yet!''
''Brush your teeth!'' ''Pick up those clothes!'' lt goes on and on.
But they're just kids! Everybody misbehaves some time.
But according to The Santa Handbook, naughty kids get lumps of coal in their stockings. Right?
We will make stockings. ln my opinion, they should all get coal in their stockings.
Don't you? No! That's not how it works!
Get me the naughty-nice list. Get me every list!
[shouts] Get me [more softly] everything.
[* Unwritten Law: Unwritten Christmas]
Mr O'Reilly, Mr Leary.
You in charge of the gangbangers?
They're students, actually, and yes.
Keep 'em away from the car. lt's new. l don't need some delinquent kids scratchin' it up.
They're not delinquents. And don't worry about your car. l'd worry about your legs in those shorts. l thought only swimmers shaved their legs!
Whoa, good one!
Good morning. Good morning.
Brought you coffee. Thank you.
So you have a nice-guy side. l'm a man of many sides. l'm a puzzle. l'm a Rubik's Cube with pants.
[laughs] A laugh! Actual laugh.
Dad, it doesn't come off. lt's not supposed to come off.
Hence you've got to be careful where you put it.
Hence tagging is serious. Hence your presence here.
Don't say ''hence'' any more, Dad. lt's really annoying.
How do you do it? l have trouble with one. You have hundreds.
Hi. Hi. l was really good this year. [chuckles] ls that so? Are you absolutely sure about that, Pamela? l want a doll house and a swimming pool.
A swimming pool? l'm sorry. She insisted on talking to you. lt's not a problem. OK. l'll tell you what. lf you can promise me you'll be good, l can guarantee you'll have a great Christmas.
OK! Yeah! [mother laughs] Come on.
Kids get so nutty this time of year. ls she a neighbour? No.
Oh. How did you know her name?
Oh, the... necklace, it said Pamela on it.
Oh, l guess l missed that. l'm gonna go check on this group.
You cost me, Pamela.
l just couldn't sleep thinking about all those rules.
Am l wrong? Am l right? Does it matter?
Couldn't have been the three gallons of cocoa l had!
But you understand rules, don't you? You're highly decorated.
And look at that face. There you go.
There's a face only a mom would like. l don't have a mom, so l wouldn't know about that.
Now, it's time for the big event.
Son, it's show time!
You're in the spotlight. Get bigger with it. lt's your big chance. l need a little help. l need a little muscle. l need a little nudge.
Let's call yourself the little nudge!
This won't hurt - except for the electric shock through you.
See ya on the other side!
Oh. Hi. Hi. Uh... lt looks like you're going out.
Sorry. l should have called. No, it's OK. Come in.
You sure? Uh-huh.
ls there a problem? No, no. l just... l wondered if, um... lf you would... [stammers]
Do you want to go get some noodles?
But l don't want to keep you from your date, so...
Oh, it's not a date. lt's the faculty Christmas party. ls that your idea of a night on the town?
Noodles and pie? [giggles]
Yes. What would be your idea? Pizza and a movie.
Thick or thin crust? Thin.
Two For The Road. Audrey Hepburn, Albert Finney.
Movie's OK, but the car was the star. '53 MGTD.
Racing green, wire wheels... Beautiful. l'm impressed. That is a great car. My favourite car.
Didn't like driving 'em in the rain.
You have to push it to start it. Other than that it's perfect. lt's perfect, though.
l could drive you to your party. That would be great.
Except for, eventually, l'm going to have to get home.
Well, l... l could pick you up.
So you're going to drop me off, then come back and pick me up?
Yeah. Why don't you just stay?
All right, l'll stay. l'll get my coat.
So, Mr Andretti, what are you driving?
You know... l think you're gonna like it.
[clop of hooves]
Mind if l ask you something personal?
You look really different. The weight. lt's lndian teas and it's a lot of salves and stuff. lt's...
Do you want some cocoa? Uh, yes.
Cocoa. You have thought of everything.
Well, this time of year, l... l really shine.
Yeah, l can't wait till it's over, though.
Streets are crowded, the malls are jammed, people max out their credit cards... lt's noisy.
When did you become such a cynic?
Oh. l don't know. l used to love Christmas, too. lt was the only day that my parents didn't fight.
They were at each other all the time.
But on Christmas, they tried to make the holiday special.
My dad went through this charade so l'd believe in Santa Claus.
He put a cot by the fireplace so Santa could take a nap...
Like he has time to take a nap!
Consider the amount of gifts he would have to... deliver.
Why would he nap? He would probably need some coffee.
Yeah. And there was cocoa and cookies.
And carrots for the reindeer.
That's a good gesture. The reindeer love carrots.
And the thought is important to them, too.
Yeah. And l'd wake up and the cocoa and cookies would be gone and the cot would be mussed and the carrots gnawed.
They swallow them. lf they're fresh they'll eat 'em like that.
They love red bell peppers, too.
You know the stories. lf you read...
And there would be incredible presents under the tree.
One year was a rocking horse, and l named it Harvey.
And the next year was a little red wagon, which l made a lemonade stand, which was great.
And the last year was... lt was just... a Baby Doll. She was pink and soft and beautiful.
Beautiful? Yes. l believed in Santa so much l'd get in fights at school with kids who tried to tell me that he didn't exist.
And one day l came home with a bloody nose.
That's when my parents decided to tell me to... grow up. l was devastated, and...
Good, Carol! This is great sleigh-riding conversation! l'm a terrible sleigh con-.. lt's fine conversation.
A person just wants something to believe in, you know?
Yes, l know. Yes, l know.
OK, we have cocoa.
We have a blanket. We have a horse-drawn sleigh.
The only thing that's...
What? [laughs] lt's snowing. Oh.
As if by magic?
That's what l was gonna say, that it should be snowing!
[* The Shirelles: Blue Holiday]
* It's been a blue
* Since you've been gone
* Oh, my darling
* Won't you
* Hurry, hurry home
* It's been a blue
* Holiday... l owe you one. lt's a great party.
Look. That guy moved.
Would you excuse me? Mm-hm.
Could l have your attention? Your attention, please!
There we go. Hi. l'm Scott Calvin and l just thought l'd step up here and... and say the word that we've all been longing to hear.
OK. What l think, folks, is that a lot of you have forgotten what the true spirit of Christmas is all about.
Mm? lf you're not willing to dance or laugh or flirt or risk the buffet, l don't think we have much choice.
So before the choir gets out here l say we rock this house with a secret Santa! Huh?
Carol - happy, happy Christmas! l think they're just decorations for the carollers.
She's afraid these are decorations for the carolling. l think Carol is right about the carolling! l'm talking about the packages that [whispers] are backstage.
There aren't any packages backstage.
Ohh! There's none back there.
[sighs] So l was mistaken when l saw this bag of gifts.
Maybe l'm wrong, but it sure looks like a bag of gifts.
Ohh! lt's heavy like a bag of gifts.
Look at this! What's in here?
lt's very heavy, very heavy.
Doesn't your mom call you JJ?
Merry Christmas, JJ.
This is Toss Across! l used to love this when l was a kid!
But l never told anybody.
Where did...? Who did this?
Yes, there you are! Merry Christmas.
Thank you. Tom Astle.
Me! Sorry, Gordon. Hey!
Haven't changed a bit! Gee, thanks.
Lizzy Garcia. Here.
There. Merry Christmas. Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots!
Mint condition! This is incredible!
The Holly Hobbie Oven!
Come on up and get the rest of your presents.
There she is. Katie. Jerry.
Here! Cory. Cory?
[* Chuck Berry: Run Rudolph Run]
Carl, you need a net. Not me!
This is great.
Hey, party animal, you want to play? l can't figure it out. lt's beanbag tic-tac-toe.
No, l mean the secret Santa thing.
Someone tracked down all those wonderful antique toys.
Probably someone who knows his way around eBay.
Yeah. Yep. lt was you. l know it was you. l just can't figure out... How did you do it?
Sometimes you don't need to know all the answers.
Speaking of which...
Even the principal needs a Christmas gift.
Come on, open it. Rip it open.
Come on. We're not gonna save the paper.
lt's Baby Doll.
[voice breaks] Come here.
Did you call the office? No.
Did they call you? lt's not like that.
Did you investigate us? No, l wouldn't do that.
Did you...? l told you about Baby Doll an hour ago, and...
Did you send someone to...?
Well... l don't know how you did it. lt's like some kind of magic.
Yeah, sort of like some kind of magic.
And... and pretty much the last that l have.
What? Well, what...? You know what? l don't want to know.
What you did in there tonight for everyone was wonderful.
l'm sorry. l shouldn't have done that.
ls that OK? Yeah.
Got this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. l'm, um... l'm not... real good at this.
Where did that come from? l don't know.
Hi! Merry Christmas!
Ho, ho, ho!
Can l have your attention?
Stop the work, please. Everybody stop the work.
Merry Christmas! [quacks]
That's nice. l have a little announcement to make.
From this moment forward, we're not gonna make any more toys.
The children of the world don't deserve presents.
They're running rampant with naughtiness.
This Christmas we're gonna give those greedy kids exactly what they deserve.
A beautiful, high-quality yet low-sulphur variety of coal!
We have to focus, all of us, on the goals ahead.
And just to make sure that that happens...
Thank you, sweetie. l... l hate to blow my own horn.
Stay where you are! Don't be afraid!
Back! Back! l was up late, couldn't sleep.
Milk wouldn't do it, cocoa is a little sweet, so l decided to make an army of toy soldiers.
They don't have a good sense of humour like me.
l would do what they ask you. Which is what l'm going to tell you!
Don't listen to him! This guy's not Santa!
He's not Santa? He's a toy!
He has a rubber face and a plastic tushy!
Trust me! Don't let him ruin Christmas!
Thank you for those kind words, Bernard!
Well, now that we all have an understanding, have a joyous and merry Christmas!
OK, ready? Go!
This is what l call community service!
Here she comes. Duck down!
Attention you hooligans behind that snow bank!
You have snowballed the wrong house.
Drop the snowballs, kick them away from the snow suits and keep the mittens where l can see them.
Your dad is hanging with Principal Newman? ls he dating her? No.
Go to your homes. Uh... pelt the ones you love.
And a merry Christmas! [Carol laughs]
That is really gross, man. Shut up.
There are things about me you should know. Personal things.
We don't need to rush things, Scott. l think you need to know these things.
Remember the mistletoe, how it just showed up?
Yes. And the sleigh.
How magical that was? Yes.
Secret Santa Claus?
That was me. Yeah?
l'm not this size much. l'm usually much bigger than this.
So am l sometimes. l have a big white beard that's beautiful. l don't. l work a long way from home.
When l get back home, l sleep for a long time.
See? OK. lt's not so bad so far.
You work far away from home and you sleep a lot.
You've never been to prison and you don't wear socks with sandals.
l'm Santa Claus.
The suit, the red suit's real. The North Pole is a place.
There are elves. They make toys. They're beautiful and it's real. l exist. That's not funny. lt's magical. Cut it out. l'm telling the truth. l told you something personal from my childhood and now you're making a joke out of it and it's not funny. lt hurts. l know how hard this is to believe, but connect the dots.
Think what's happened. l know what's going on.
Think about the little girl. You felt something for me.
Now you're acting like a mental patient because you're scared. l deliver gifts in a sleigh. lncredible. l go down chimneys with burning logs and l still deliver gifts. l'm not scared. That's not what this is. lf you're trying to push me away, it's working.
Carol, don't make me leave.
How could you pick her? l didn't.
You don't care any more. l care more about you than anybody.
But it's a two-way street.
You won't confide in me. You want it? Here it is.
What? Talk to me. l don't live a normal life.
You live a great life here. Just listen to me!
My friends get to go around saying, ''My dad's a plumber.''
''My dad's a pilot.'' ''My dad's a dentist.'' You know what?
My dad is the best thing of all and l can't tell anyone.
You have no idea how hard it is, walking around with that secret.
And now you're going out with Principal Newman!
And you don't even tell me about it.
My whole life has become about secrets, and l hate it!
Forget about Principal Newman, all right?
And forget about Santa. l'm done.
My time's up.
Who cares any more?
Hi, Charlie. Hi, Lucy.
What are you doing? Just shovelling.
Charlie, is Uncle Scott Santa Claus?
No. Why would you think that? l don't know.
How come Uncle Scott was sad? What makes you think that? l asked him to stick a straw in his nose and blow bubbles in his milk.
And he said no. Whatever.
Can you talk to him? l don't think so, Lucy.
Did you have a fight? Sort of.
Are you gonna make up? l don't know!
Are you gonna be mad forever? Lucy!
What? These are hard questions.
No, they're not. They're easy.
And you can't be mad at him forever, Charlie.
He's your daddy and you love him.
* ln a strip-mining machine
* Flatten the hills we go Come on!
Put a smile on that face, little troll!
Wait a minute. l got a joke. This'll cheer you up.
Knock, knock! Who's there?
Aren't you? Aren't you who?
Aren't you supposed to get back to work?!
All of ya! You little idiots! Back to work!
Got any twos?
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
What was that? l don't know.
Want some more hot chocolate? Mm-hm.
Would you get that, honey? Yeah, sure.
ls S... Scott here?
Who are you? Uh...
Curtis, a friend from... Buffalo.
Are you an elf? Of course not!
Why would you ask such a silly question?
How come you have pointy ears? lt's... because l never ate my green vegetables.
Do you eat your green vegetables?
Yeah, l'm right here. What's wrong?
Oh... Curtis! What are you doin' here?
There's a little trouble at the... plant. lt's OK. Curtis is a very old friend.
We have a large, uh... firm. We work together in...
[whispers] Buffalo. Buffalo?
We work together in Buffalo. So... we're gonna talk business.
What business? lt's none of your business.
Soon l'm gonna be seven. And then l can know things.
Good night, Curtis. Good night, Lucy.
Good night, Lucy.
What's up? Toy Santa's out of control.
He's locked up the elves, shut down the workshop, he thinks everybody's naughty and he's gonna give everyone coal!
Why didn't Bernard tell me? He's under house arrest.
Fly back with me to the North Pole to save Christmas! l can't. l have no magic left. l'm out of magic. Look.
Grrrr! l thought you had Comet. Yeah, we...
Yes! Come on!
Hey, Comet. We just...
Look at me.
What are ya doin'?
Eating sugar is bad for you. [gabbles]
What do you mean, you didn't eat this?
Get this. You gotta fly both of us back to the North Pole.
Yeah, tonight. [groans]
OK. l'll help you up.
All right? Ready? You've got to help me a little here.
Good. OK, we almost got it.
OK, now, help me. Can ya move anything?
Fire in the hole! Get away!
Eat some roughage, will you?
Oh, what about the jet pack? lt burned up on reentry.
What am l supposed to do? Grow wings?
l hope he doesn't have too many stops to make tonight.
You and me both, pal. OK. Let's just get it over with.
What's going on down there? Are you sure about this?
What? The old toaster trick?
When we were kids we used to do this to get a little extra cash.
Works every time! l can't watch this.
You ready, buddy? All right. Let her rip.
One, two, three!
Scott, are you all right? Mom!
Yes? l lost another tooth.
Should l put it under my pillow?
This way. Come on.
Curtis, get the door. lt's a Tooth Fairy ambush.
What do you people want? l only carry $20 in change.
Tooth Fairy, it's me, Santa. l've lost the weight and the beard, but it's me. l know Santa. Santa is a friend. And you, sir, are no Santa. l am too.
How did l know l could capture you by holdin' on to a wing?
You wanted to change your name to Captain Floss or Plaque Man.
Or, as l recall, Roy.
And it was Santa's idea to call you the Molarnator.
Who's the kid? One of my elves. He's an elf.
The Molarnator at your service!
A little altitude, please! What?
Could you possibly fly a little higher?
What? Never mind!
What is it, Charlie?
You keep asking me if there's something bothering me.
Well, there is. l... l couldn't talk about it before, but... l want to talk about it now.
OK. Go ahead.
My dad is Santa. Oh, please. Not you too.
Hold on. lf you have no feelings for my dad, then fine.
But if the only reason for not being with him is that you don't believe in him, you're making a big mistake.
l want you to take this. Look into this and... try to remember what it was like when you were little and you still believed in Christmas.
Seeing isn't believing. Believing is seeing.
You haven't seen anything yet!
Curtis? What? [thump] Ow!
What do l do? Slow down.
Piece of cake. Attaboy. There you go.
Why can't you fly higher?
Tooth Fairy, l want to thank you. l'll never forget this. l wish l could do more, but l gotta go.
Denver just started a new pee-wee hockey league.
Before you go, l want you to know that nobody, nobody was braver than you were today.
You should be proud of your wings.
They're not too girly? Not on you.
Wouldn't it be easier to go through the workshop?
No. That way Santa and his soldiers would be expecting us.
Sound military strategy involves taking your enemy by surprise. lt's good strategy.
Sometimes being a despot is a tough business.
lt's Scott, isn't it?
Yeah. What are you supposed to be?
A better, stronger version of what you used to be - with a flawless complexion, l might add.
Look, it just glistens. Listen to me. l'm back now.
So untie us. Let the elves go and give me back the coat.
No can do! lt's Christmas Eve! l have coal to deliver!
And l don't want those naughty kids to suffer! [laughs]
Boys! One, two, three!
And... one, two!
Try to keep up! Let's go. Move it on!
Try to... This is just too tight.
This is all my fault. l thought l could create another Santa.
My elfin pride blinded me to all reason.
There's only one Santa.
Well, l've done a pretty rotten job. l didn't check the list twice.
My kid thinks l betrayed him. l hurt the woman l love. l ruined Christmas.
How'd you get up here?
Scott! l got to fly in with the Tooth Fairy.
Are you OK? Yeah.
Brush between meals and don't forget the floss.
And if anybody cares, l'm exhausted.
And she... has a beautiful smile.
Thank you for everything. No. Thank you. l am... [laughs] the Molarnator!
Get out of the way!
What are you doing?
You gotta save Christmas. How am supposed to save...?
No, no, no. Please. Don't worry.
[Chet] Oh, Chet...
Ouch! Ow! Oh, oh, oh!
Thanks. Excuse me, pork chop.
OK. Chet, this is it. You ready to rock and roll?
Chet? Yeah. He's still in training.
Has he had much flight time? About a minute and a half.
He's had a lot of crash time! Curtis...!
He's just a baby. All right.
Let's see what this baby can do.
[Chet hums] Oh, boy.
Ready to go, buddy? You know what we gotta do.
Chet! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Chet, Chet.
[Chet cackles wildly]
You gotta focus, Chet.
OK, everybody! Outside, now!
Almost there, boys. Let's go!
Chet, whoa! [mad cackle]
Snowballs, on three!
Let's get 'em!
Whoa, whoa! Not so far!
Whoa, Chet! Whooh!
Back for more action, eh, scooter?
Chet, Chet! [laughs]
Cut the chitchat, Chet!
Why is this such a problem? Come on!
Where do you think you're going?
Go, go! Hyah, boy! Come on!
The lead. The one in the front, Chet!
Leave my reindeer alone!
Go! Go! Go! [Chet blows raspberry]
Come on! We got to get them before they get out the hole.
Stay away from my lead reindeer!
[Chet makes bugle sound] Whoo!
Holy Hannah, he's an action hero!
What are you doin' up there? l can't see where l'm driving.
You are a sad, strange little man.
You're gonna fall... l hope!
That's a good way to lose an eye!
Look out! You're scaring me!
Can l help you?
Honey, l'm home!
Hey, l'm supposed to wear this coat! How about a little elbow?
There you are. That's gotta feel good.
You want the shoe? Take it off. Go ahead. Go on!
What are we gonna do now, smartypants?
Watch out! The building! Left, left!
Oh, well. The town'll break the fall.
Yo, Tony! Hey, Brian, stop me!
Get off of me! Now remember, rules are very, very important! l want hot chocolate.
[Scott] Hey, guys, back up. l've got a special place for him.
You idiot! Wait a minute, something's shocking me.
You were great. Sounds like you were too.
We've got ten minutes. Where is Carol?
Carol! Are you all right? Yes!
Where are you going? l gotta deliver gifts.
Aren't you forgetting something?
No. You gotta get married.
Carol, l... l cannot continue being Santa... unless l find a Mrs Claus.
Oh. So that's what the whole noodles and pie thing...
You just needed a wife. No.
Yes, l was looking for a wife.
No, l didn't figure on falling... in love.
You love me?
This is all happening so fast. Well, there's no pressure.
Good. l mean, if l don't get married l just won't deliver the gifts and children everywhere will stop believing, the elves will lose their jobs, the North Pole will disappear and Christmas will be gone.
Get down on one knee. Hm?
Do it. Now.
You say this is happening all so fast.
You say this is happening all so fast.
But you've known me your whole life.
But you've known me your whole life.
When you were little and alone...
[both] Santa... l can take it from here.
..Santa was always there for you.
And l will be, as long as you continue to believe in me. l know l'm asking you to leave everything at home, but l can guarantee you that this is worth it.
This place is all about magic and love... and wonder.
And occasionally a thin-crust pizza and a movie and a long winter night. ls there a school here?
Yeah, we have one, a school, but the elves need a new principal.
Cos as of late some of the elves have been acting a bit impish.
Carol... l love you. You do?
Would you be my wife?
[whispers] l will.
[whispers] Thank you. l've got it from here.
By the powers vested in me by me, l now pronounce you Santa and Mrs Claus.
Well, go on now. Kiss her!
Dad, we gotta go. Walk me to my sleigh.
We gotta go! When we get back, we start making some more toys.
All right. Well, Mrs Claus, you might want to get some rest.
You see, tomorrow begins vacation season for me, which means a three-month honeymoon for us.
Nothing tropical. You do not want to see this in a Speedo.
Don't be home too late.
And so it begins.
Boys, we've got some toys to deliver!
Come downstairs. l want you to see something.
Do you have any twos? Go fish!
You are Santa! l knew it was you all along.
And you were right. Uncle Scott...
You look all rosy. Are you feeling better? l'm feeling much, much better. ls there anything else l should know about? l don't know. But Charlie has something he wants to tell you.
You know, l was exactly your age when l found out my dad was Santa.
But l couldn't tell anybody. l can't tell anybody either?
No. But knowing it isn't a burden. lt's a gift.
Most kids stop believing in Santa when they grow up.
But l get to believe in him forever. l love you, Charlie. Thank you.
But do we still get toys? lf you ever get to bed and go to sleep like the other kids.
Merry Christmas, Lucy. Merry Christmas, Santa.
Sport, l gotta fly.
[reindeer hooves thunder]
Easy, boys, easy. [Chet groans]
You're gettin' it, Chet.
[reindeer sighs happily]
Merry Christmas, Comet!
All right, boys! Hyah! Ho, ho, ho!
Hyah! [Chet makes bugle sound]
Merry Christmas to all! And to all a good night!
Nothin' wrong with a straight line, Chet.
[Chet cackles wildly]
[*Eddie Money & Ronnie Spector: Everybody Loves Christmas]
* Everybody loves Christmas
* Everybody has fun
* That time of the year, that holiday cheer
* A good time for everyone
* Everybody loves Christmas
* Oh, count the ways
* You know it's almost here
* Oh, Christmas Day
* Christmas Day *
[* Hilary Duff: Santa Claus Lane]
What the heck are we doin' out here?
Look, if we're gonna dance... dance like this. All of us!
Everybody, you idiots!
Ever seen a toy do this?
Where you going?
[* Shedaisy: Santa's Got A Brand New Bag]
[* Steve Tyrell: Santa Claus Is Coming To Town]