The Simpsons S12E1 Script

Treehouse of Horror XI (2000)

Hey, who cut out Beetle Bailey?

I need my Miss Buxley fix.

I don't like you ogling her.

Why don't you read Cathy?

She's hilarious.

Ah, too much baggage.

Ooh, my horoscope.

"Taurus: Today you will die."


"And you may get a compliment from an attractive coworker."


It really says "die"?

That sounds unusually specific for a horoscope.

Mmm, maybe I better check mine.

"Today your husband will die."

Homer, I'm scared.

Ooh, scary newspaper.

Don't hurt me, horoscope.

I'm afraid... Ow! Oh!

Paper cut! Paper cut!

Missed me!

Stupid horoscope.

Ha-ha-ha... Stupid horoscope.

Clupid bloropope.

Homer, if I may compliment you...

Yes, go on.

That is one handsome rattlesnake.

You got biting your arm there.

Yeah, that's quite fetching.

But, uh, aren't you worried about the deadliness?

No, he'll get tired of biting in an hour or so.

Snakes, nature's quitters.

That horoscope was baloney.

Nothing happened except for the pickax in my head, the rattlesnake bite and the testicle thing.

What's for dessert?

No dessert until you eat your broccoli.

Oh... fine.

Mm, another broccoli-related death.

But I thought broccoli was...

Oh, yes, one of the deadliest plants on earth. Why, it tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste.

Sure is easy when they're stiff like this... and very sad.

St. Peter.


Got to heaven before you, Flanders!

I wouldn't celebrate so soon, Mr. Simpson.

I don't see a single good deed next to your name.

Well, the thing about that is...

Homer, settle down.

I'll give you a chance to get into heaven.

You have 24 hours to go back and do one good deed.

I'm sorry, I didn't get the number of hours or good deeds.

Oh, Homie, I still can't believe a piece of broccoli killed you.

What the hell was I thinking?

I tried the broccoli again.

Uh. You have 23 hours left.

Marge Simpson...

Homer, it's you!

I thought I'd never see you again.

You were wrong.

Dead wrong!

Do you have to talk like that?

No, not really.

Marge, you got to help me.

I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.

Well, I've got a whole list of chores.

"Clean the garage, paint the house, grout the... ".

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm just trying to get in.

I'm not running for Jesus.

OK, good deed. Good deed.


Hey, a chance for a good deed.

No, she's mine!

Oh, my Lord...

Wh-what's happening to me?

People can see up my bustle.

Hey, stop squirming.

Uh... I'm pretty sure she was going to be the next Hitler.

Hello? Good deed done.

Let's see... Good deed.

Got to find a good deed.


Your daddy's dead.

Mine's just in jail.


Huh? Who said that?

I am the ghost of...


Bart, help!

Just one minute left to get into heaven.

There's got to be some good deed I can do.

Come on. Think. Think!

My baby!

Stop that crying.

Man, you're annoying.

Oh, it's a miracle!

Thank heavens.


Did you see that?

I did the deed! Open up!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I wasn't looking.

Hey, I thought you guys could see everything.

No, you're thinking of Santa Claus.

Well, I'll be damned.

I'm afraid so, yes.

I am Homer Simpson.

Silence, sinner!

Prepare for an eternity of horrible pain!

Oh, be quiet.

You'll wake up John Wayne.

I'm already up.

Son, I don't like you watching that fire.

It's too violent.

You're missing the best part, sister.

Forget that stupid book.

But these fairy tales take me away from the harsh reality of peasant life.

Aw, it's not so bad.

Oh, I just got over the plague.

Hello, wife.

Hello, children.

Who's up for a merry jig?

Do-de-do, do-de-do...

Oh, who am I kidding?

I'm not merry.

I lost my job as an oaf today.


Oh, why are the oafs always the first to go?

Maybe you could be a dunce, father.

Really? Hey!

What do you think?

Do you love it?

Oh, I'm no dunce.

I was born an oaf and I'll die an oaf.

But, husband, without your weekly pittance, how shall we feed our children?

Don't worry.

No child will ever starve in my home.

So long kids.

Enjoy your new home!

Say hi to your other brother and sister.

Other brother and sister?

Face it, they're not great parents.

No! That bridge has a troll under it.

Everything in this forest is from a fairy tale.

And this book can keep us one step ahead.

Ah Jeez, I came on too strong again.

Oh, I'm so desperately lonely.


Lost lovable orphans!

Hmm, bowls of porridge.

Oh, this seems somehow familiar.

Let's see.

Oh, whoa, too hot.

Oh, too cold.

Well, this doesn't take a genius.

We're in the Three Bears' house!

That was close.

I wonder where Goldilocks was?

Oh, that bed was just right.

Oh, no!

Boy, dumping your kids in the forest sure gets your hands dusty.


You threw our precious babies into the woods?

We could have sold them.

Go back and get them.

Here's a better idea.

I know how we can replace those children.



I'm ever so sorry!

Brave sir knight, I pray you!

Climb up and rescue me!

Ow! No, wait!


Wow, a house made of gingerbread.

Come on in, my darlings.

The best candies are inside.

Wait. Let me check the book.

Aw, she seems nice.

I'm going to go with my gut and trust her.

You're probably right.

Sweep faster. It's almost time for your beating.

Oh, this is horrible.

Horribly delicious.

You know, she's only fattening you up so she can eat you.

Ah, what are you going to do?

Well, at least stop basting yourself.

Stop your chattering and sweep!

This house is filthy. So what do you care?

It's not like you have friends.

I have a boyfriend.

Yeah, right. Sure.

What? I do!

Oh, yeah? What's his name?

Uh, George...


George Cauldron?

Maybe he can fix me up with Ed Ladle.

That's it!

Into the oven with you!


Oh, no!


Mmm, sugar walls.

Father, I knew you'd rescue us!

Hmm. Rescue you, stuff myself with candy, it's all good.

Oh, that's a load-bearing candy cane!

You clumsy oaf!

That all you got?

Hmm, fish.

Oh, no, that's me! Agh!

Come on. Get me out of here!

Just a minute!

Oh, god, no!

Let me out!

I couldn't be in more pain!

Er, hello, I'm George Cauldron.

Is Suzanne ready yet?

Almost, just give her another 20 minutes.

But the concert's at 8:00.

Well, we're still poor but thanks to your father, we'll never go hungry.

Speaking of which, how about seconds?

Coming up.

Let's give Snorky a big hand.

Whoo! Yay, Snorky!

Now, we're going to need a volunteer to frolic with Snorky so raise your hand if you want to be...

Oh, Snorky.

Folks, we're heating up the lobster tank so hurry on over if you want to pet 'em before you eat 'em.

It's OK. They're gone now.

You can...

Hey, where you going?

Oh. You want to be with your friends.

It's getting away.

Kill it!

Go on.

Swim to freedom. Go!

Ew, yech!

Mmm. Alcohol and night swimming.

It's a winning combination.

Uh-oh. Sharks.

The assassins of the sea.

Ooh. Hey, you're not sharks.

You're dolphins.

The clowns of the sea.

Hey, what's the gag?

Hmm. Bottlenose bruises.

Blowhole burns.

Flipper prints.

This looks like the work of rowdy teens.

Lou, cancel the prom.

Yarrgh. It begins.

The dolphins are upon us and only this old sea dog knows how to stop the... Yarrgh!

Ar. Arr!

Two krusty shakes, a doughnut burger with cheese and a party-size bucket of flan.

Yes, I will have fries with that.

Huh. Anything to get out of work.

Our top story... killer dolphins.

Kill dolphins?

The recent wave of murders...

Um... Di... Did I say "killer dolphins"?

I meant killer... Italians.

Great, bottlenose, intelligent Italians.

Intelligent Italians?

Something's wrong.

It's dolphins.

We have to stop them.

If we speak in low-frequency voices I don't think they can...

Those dolphins seem bent on mayhem.

We've got to warn grampa.

Hmm. Phone's off the hook.

Everything must be OK.

Oh, I'm going to give your liver such a punching!

People, please.

We're all frightened and horny, but we can't let some killer dolphins keep us from living and scoring.

Willie, must you do that now?

Ugh. You want streaks?

'Cause if you interrupt me, that's what you'll get.


It's approaching the podium.

Surely it cannot speak.

Snorky... talk... man...

I'm sorry, let me start over.

Eons ago, dolphins lived on the land.

What did he say?

He said dolphins used to live on the land.


Then your ancestors drove us into the sea where we've suffered for millions of years.

But you seemed so happy in the ocean.

All that playful leaping.

We were trying to get out.

It's cold, it's wet.

Every morning I wake up phlegmy.

That's all that sewage we keep dumping.

That was you?

It was her all right.

Take the one who wronged you.

I, King Snorky, hereby banish all humans to the sea.


Pushy dolphins.

I-I tuned out. W-where we going?

Wait. Stop.

We can outsmart those dolphins.

Don't forget, we invented computers, leg-warmers, bendy straws, peel-and-eat shrimp, the glory hole, and the pudding cup.

I'm not going to let a few hoop-jumping tuna-munchers push me around!

Jeez, so many dolphins.

Oh, no, you poor thing...

Here... Ow!

Son of a... Hey, leave my daughter alone.

Come on, humans.

We've wiped out entire species before, we can do it again!


Get 'em!

Ah! Oh! Ah! Oh! Help!

Ooh! If I could just...

Ooh! This is really not... Ooh!

You're hurting my... Ooh!

Come on, lads!

Let's drive 'em back to the ocean!

Well, you got to hand it to those dolphins.

They just wanted it more.

I kind of wish I hadn't freed their leader.

And, you know... doomed mankind.

Oh, honey, I wouldn't say "doomed."

It's going to be an adjustment, no question.

But... Ugh...

Can you believe it, Kodos?

They left us out of the Halloween show.

Are you sure the space phone is working?

Hang up.

They could be trying to call right now.

I knew we should have sent them a muffin basket.

Kang and Kodos productions.

Uh-huh. Yes.

Just a second.

Do we want to do a commercial for something called "Old Navy"?

Mmm, work is work.