The Simpsons S16E5 Script

Fat Man and Little Boy (2004)

(SINGING) The Simpsons

(TIRES SCREECHING)

D'oh!

(SCREAMS)

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(GIANT FISH GULPS)

LISA AND JANEY: (SINGING) Miss Lucy had a steamboat The steamboat had a bell Miss Lucy went to heaven And the steamboat went to...

(GASPS)

Hell-o operator

(SIGHS)

Get me number nine And if you disconnect me I'll chop off your be...

(LOUD GASP)

...hind the 'frigerator...

Phew.

There was a piece of glass Miss Lucy sat upon it And it cut her big fat...

(GASPING)

Ask me no more questions I'll tell you no more...

Ow!

Spitball!

I'm using your unfinished novel.

LISA: Oh!

Mmm. (GRUNTING)

No. (GASPS)

(PANTING) You're in big trouble, mister!

I'm bleeding!

Huh, there's no cut on your cheek.

Where'd the blood come from?

Hey, I got a loose tooth!

Ew!

Gross!

I bet you can't twist it.

Of course I can twist it. I'm great.

(BART SCREAMING)

This is my last baby tooth.

That's the money tooth. I heard the Tooth Fairy pays triple for it.

Then let's hurry up and rip it out of my head.

Skinner! Your bus driver just totaled my Camry!

Can I offer you the use of my Merkur?

Filled with your Burger King cups and wrappers? No, thank you.

(GRUNTS) Lousy drawer.

Potato masher's stuck in small spoon slot.

What kinda madman would do that?

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

(GASPS)

Ooh. Bart! Honey, I'm so sorry!

No problem.

Huh. No harm done.

HOMER: I wouldn't say that.

Mmm-hmm.

God, please give your daughter, the Tooth Fairy, the strength to carry my cash and the integrity not to dip her wand in the till.

What the...

The Tooth Fairy has made a donation in my name to the United Way!

That gossamer witch!

Maybe when the Tooth Fairy saw it was your last baby tooth, she realized you're not a little boy anymore.

So she gave you a grownup gift.

I'm not gonna grow up!

(CHUCKLES) Oh! Yes, you are.

Why in the right light, you're starting to get your own muzzle.

I thought it was chocolate milk.

Yeah. That's how it starts.

No!

I'm still a kid. And what do kids love? Kid stuff, like this!

(GRUNTING)

Vroom-vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom.

(MOANS)

Whatcha realizing, jerk?

That I'm not a kid anymore.

That's harsh.

I knew I was an adult the day the judge said, "We're trying you as an adult."

Well, there's one thing no one can take away, My childlike imagination.

Sergeant Activity, your mission is to scale the icy walls of Mount Bloodkill.

Must defeat Doctor Blizzard and the Avalanchoids.

(GRUNTS)

Lieutenant Adventure, what are you doing here?

You're quite the daredevil, Sergeant Activity.

It's high time you protected yourself with supplemental disability insurance.

At my age? Can I qualify?

You'd be surprised.

If you're a non-smoker, it can costjust a few dollars a month.

What's happening to me? Maybe I'm not a kid anymore.

Goodbye, Spirogram. Goodbye, Sketch N Etch.

Goodbye, Ravenous Ravenous Rhinos, Duopoly, Parchoosey, Humor Putty and Sock 'Em Knock 'Em Cyborgs.

Goodbye, childhood.

Dust in the wind All we are is dust in the wind

Goodbye, friends.

OLD SEA CAPTAIN: "So Eden sank to grief.

"So dawn goes down today. Nothing gold can stay."

Yarr.

Hey, Sea Captain.

Giving your toys a Viking funeral, eh?

I really don't want to talk about it.

If you change your mind, I won't be far.

Thanks, but...

I've been told I'm a good listener.

But when you're a captain, you never know when people are just flattering ya. Yarr.

He's gone. Darn it!

I just want a friend who isn't a work friend.

Bart, if you don't get up now, good luck getting a pancake.

Dad's pulled his chair right up to the stove.

Lise, I think I'm having a midlife crisis.

If you're feeling depressed, do what I do and write something.

A novel, a play...

Or I could write something that's not gay.

(GASPS)

Bart, someone wrote something cynical on your shirt!

Mmm-hmm.

Let me wash it off.

Leave me alone. This expresses my rage at the machine.

Well, I like T-shirts with a nice joke like, "Support our troops."

Bart's shirt is a classic, Marge. Just like "Keep on truckin'."

As if I would ever want to stop truckin'.

Whoa! (EXCITED CHATTER)

KID 1: Check it out!

KID 2: Whoa, look at that!

Ahh... l wish I had that shirt.

It's clever, funny, and would cover my boy boobs nicely.

I'm too sexy for my shirt Too sexy for my shirt So sexy it hurts And I'm too sexy for Milan Too sexy for Milan Bart, I need that shirt.

I'll trade you Puppy Goo Goo for it.

She still has a lot of her original strawberry scent.

Forget it. My attitude isn't for sale.

What am I saying? Of course it is.

T-shirts! Get your sassy T-shirts!

50% cotton, 100% awesome!

Daddy, can I buy this one?

Let's see. "Get bent."

Well, the only thing that could mean is kneel down and pray.

We'll take the whole box.

"Get bent," everyone!

This could get me out of a lot of sticky situations.

I'll take a dozen. (CHUCKLES)

Do you have a T-shirt with Calvin peeing on Hobbes?

Sorry.

Ah. Well, what do you got him peeing on?

(SIREN BLARES)

Well, well, well. Selling T-shirts without a permit.

And it looks like one of the lights in your sneakers is out.

(CLANCY GRUNTS)

Come on, Chief. I can't afford to pay protection to you and Nelson.

Mmm-hmm.

Well, then you're out of business, boy.

Let's go, boys. Confiscate his merchandise.

Are any of those my size?

Extra-extra-extra-extra-extra, (IN HALES) extra-extra large?

Here you go, Chief.

"Proud Nubian Princess." Score!

(MOANS)

It's no fair. I just started and I'm out of business.

Why don't you go legit and sell your shirts in stores?

But I'm just a kid.

You're a kid no longer, Bart. You've become a man.

Hey, you're right. lam.

And as an adult, you'll be needing comprehensive insurance.

I'll just leave these brochures.

So how can I get my shirts in stores?

I bet you could find a distributor at the Springfield Novelty Expo.

That's right! It's tomorrow!

Oh, my God. It's a small retailer. He could make or break us.

Mr. Retailer! Over here!

Your customers will love these mood lollipops.

Every lick reveals your mood.

It works. If blue is the color for unimpressed.

T-shirts! Come order my homemade T-shirts!

My mom thinks they're good!

Y'all ready for this?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey!

Hey, hey! Krusty Show T-shirts are made for kids by kids!

And we pass the "slavings" on to you! (CHUCKLING)

We've got all your favorite characters, Itchy, Scratchy, Poochie, Austin Powers Itchy, Itchy Poochie, Scratchbob Itchpants, Confederate Itchy and Osama Bin Scratchy.

(IMPRESSED MURMURS)

Thatsucked. Well, at least I've still got my health...

(GRUNTS) (HONNNG)

Oh, my golly graciousness! Bad car!

Apologize to the poor little boy.

(SORROWFUL HONK)

(CHUCKLES)

This shirt is humor-larious.

Let's see what else you've got.

Amazing, trailblazing, insightful, Delightful, hysterical, a miracle!

The kids'll go cuckoo for these!

(CUCKOOS) (CHUCKLES)

My name's Goose Gladwell.

Of Goose's Gags and Gifts?

That's right. I've got 20 stores in 30 states.

And I want to sell your shirts in most of them.

You really think my shirts will sell?

Absotively! Here, take my card.

Sorry, that's my old number. Let me give you the new one. (CHUCKLES)

Darn. It's out of ink.

But my phone number's on the pen!

Oh, but it's my old phone number.

I'll call you.

I've been reading this magazine for years.

But I never dreamed my son would be on the cover. Hmm.

(CAR HONKING)

It's Goose!

What the... Huh?

Hello, Simpsons.

ALL: Ooh.

You broke in!

We're big fans, Mr. Gladwell.

Yeah. Nothing makes parents happier than when an eccentric single man takes an interest in their child.

Bart, that's your share of the T-shirt profits so far.

ALL: Ooh.

Look at all that cash!

And now it's time for me to leave!

What a delightful sprite!

(SNORING)

Smithers! There seems to be some sort of communiqué on that man's blouse.

I believe it says, "Don't wake me, I'm working."

Bolshevism! Sheer bolshevism! Ripe for the quashing!

(GRUNTING)

You're suspended without pay. Take your clacking balls and go.

And on your way out, remove all the fillings you got under our dental plan.

You know what, Mr. Burns? I'm never coming back!

My son's making so much cash in the T-shirt game that I don't have to work another day in my life, assuming my health does not deteriorate as I age.

Good riddance to bad blubber.

Smithers, want to go get a cup of coffee?

I just had one, sir.

What the...

Why is everyone so insolent today?

Well, today is Christmas, sir.

I say when it's Christmas.

TELEVISION ANNOUNCER: Too much change around the house got you down?

Help me, Ronco Change Magician!

ANNOUNCER: The Change Magician will change your life for the better.

(ANNOUNCER READING)

Order today.

(GASPS) Bart, can I ask you an important question?

How much?

$29.99.

(SIGHS) Here's fifty. Woo-hoo.

That's your donut money, too, mister. (MOANING)

Lenny, Carl, how you doing?

Hey, Homer. How's retirement?

It's awesome. You know what I've gotten into?

Sleeping till noon.

Yeah, well, we better get going.

Some of us have to get up for work tomorrow.

Hey, just because I'm not working doesn't mean I can't gripe like you guys.

Don't you hate it when people steal your lunch out of the break room fridge?

Actually, that stopped after you left, Homer.

Yeah. Well, enjoy the autumn of your years, jerk!

Oh, I see what's going on!

You can't stand to be around a guy who's got total financial independence.

Your bill, sir.

(EXCLAIMS)

No problem. Bart, I need $200.

Dad, the bill's only a hundred.

I broke some bathroom fixtures.

Oh!

Pathetic.

I'm pathetic?

Because I take money from my 10-year-old son?

Well, let me tell you something!

I still call the shots around here!

Homer, use your inside voice.

I don't have an inside voice!

DECLAN DESMOND: The wild Serengeti.

Home of Africa's equivalent to the mountain lion, the regular lion.

These toothy Tarzan-munchers have a rigid hierarchy With a single alpha male ruling the pride.

(ROARING)

(BIG LION-LIKE YAWN)

Until a younger, more aggressive lion challenges his power.

(WHIMPERS)

(WHIMPERS)

(GRUNTS) Oh.

The couch is like that tree!

The displaced male has two choices.

Either spend the rest of his days among The other broken-down old lions...

All the good graves are taken.

Or find inclusion in the tribe by caring for vulnerable young cubs.

Hmm.

Lisa, basic cable said I should nurture you.

Great! Will you play Malibu Stacy with me?

Okay. You be the girl and I'll be the car.

(HUMS) I'm going to the organic market.

(MIMICS CAR ENGINE RUNNING)

Screw the market! We're going to Mexico! (LAUGHS)

LISA: Wheel

(BOTH LAUGHING)

HOMER: It's El Flanderito! Run him down!

I can't run. I'm wearing flip-flops!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Hey, what's that dealie?

It's my entry for the all-school science fair.

It shows the history of nuclear physics from Marie Curie's laboratory to a scale model of the first nuclear reactor.

Oh, you'll win for sure.

You and science go together like Lenny and Carl.

The science is Carl.

MARTIN: Oh, Lisa!

I'd like to introduce you to the next winner of the science fair!

Behold, my project!

Childlike Humanoid Urban Muchacho!

Or CHUM!

Don't hold my hand. It's creepy.

Hush, my pet. Now let us gather our rosebuds while we may.

(SHUDDERS)

A robot?

Last year the winner was a jar of owl pellets.

Oh, I don't have a chance now.

Honey, all you need's a little help from your dad.

Remember, I did use to work at a science factory.

Well, we're supposed to do this without parental help.

Sweetie, that's orphan talk.

(GRUNTING)

Stupid atomic pile. How hard could it be to build a reactor?

Korea did it. And look at the quality of their animation.

Hmm.

What to do? What to do?

Hey, maybe the Internet has the information I need.

It certainly answered a lot of my questions about wang enhancement.

"Are you a terrorist?" No.

"Would you like to meet someone special

"but are tired of the bar scene?"

No! I will never tire of the bar scene!

Let's see. I can make that.

You can get that by smashing open a golf ball.

That you can find in any player piano.

All I need is some plutonium.

And I know just the place to get it!


(CHUCKLES) Mmm.

Dad?

Hub-bub-bub-bub-bub. Don't look!

Dad, what did you do?

Sweetie, your daddy's gonna show you just how much he loves you.

You know that non-functioning nuclear reactor you built?

Yes... ljuiced it up a little. (GIGGLES)

Dad, that could explode!

Oh, that's ridiculous.

(BEEPING)

KRUSTY: That thing's gonna blow! Drop this toy and run!

Mom! Dad built a device that would be deadly in the wrong hands!

And he's holding it!

Homer, I want you to get that gamma-radiating whatsit out of my home.

(WHINING) on... (SNORTS)

I never complain about your frilly pillows.

How many T-shirts do you have here?

Just one.

It takes a Marine honor guard to fold it.

It used to be a dust cover for a Hummer.

I could go on and on.

Gravies and Lentilmen, I have an exciting announcement.

I have sold the rights to the Bart Simpson T-shirt line...

(GASPING)

...to the Disney Company, which will turn each one into a movie!

Really? How much money do I get?

You get nothing.

In fact, thanks to my team of loopy lawyers...

(CLEARS THROAT)

...I never have to give you another penny.

All you get is a very valuable lesson.

Never trust a weirdo!

Azoot!

I'm stuck on a nail!

(CHUCKUNG)

Oh, God, that's painful.

(GROANS)

I can't feel my...

(WHISTLE)

What's the matter, boy?

Goose Gladwell ripped me off. And there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm just a stupid kid! (SOBBING)

Son, when you grew up, I grew down.

Now I can see you need your dad more than ever.

And Homer, I can see you need me more than ever.

Get back in the garage, old man.

But there's spiders in the boxes.

Stay out of my boxes!

You give my son what he deserves or I'll knock you on your delightfully offbeat ass.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, I must warn you, sir, I was a Green Beret in Vietnam.

The things I saw there are what made me crazy!

Sir, this is a class two plutonium fissure reactor.

If I turn this dial, the resulting blast would destroy the entire tri-city area, Including that guy who sells those Blu-Blocker sunglasses people sometimes wear.

Damn him to hell.

You can't be serious.

Are you prepared to take that chance?

Okay, okay. Here's all the money I've got.

Not so fast. I also want some dribble glasses, fake boobs, two of Bart's T-shirts and that rapping toilet seat.

Yo, yo, yo Keep it on the low flow

(CHUCKUNG)

I'm hanging this over the mantle.

Thanks, Dad.

Well, I'm just glad we're back to me being the father and you being the son.

Are you sure that thing could really explode?

Oh, I doubt it.

But we'll let the seagulls at the dump figure it out.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

There's more than one way to lose a tooth.

Hey, idiot, you're fat. And your mom's naked on the Internet.

You also smell.

Hmm.

You've given me a lot to think about.