The Simpsons S23E20 Script

The Spy Who Learned Me (2012)



Raise your cards now.



Now that's what I call going for a spin!

Now that's what I call a snappy retort!

Stop saying what you call things!

I'm trying to watch the movie!

Welcome to annual conclave of International Brotherhood of Evil.

This year's theme, "Evil in the Age of Social Media. "

We have prepared three breakout rooms for small group discussion.

Here, here!

These small rooms are an excellent way for villains to mingle with super-villains.

But are you sure we will not be bothered by the American master-spy Stradivarius Cain?

Do not worry about Doctor Cain.

The last I saw him, my beautiful mistress was about to finish him off.

Yes, that's what I did.

You killed him, right?

Yes, he was the perfect lover... of being killed!

It's a weird sentence, but let's move on.

My baker has prepared an edible monument to Cain's demise.

Party's over, General.

Stradivarius Cain?!


He turned that Russian guy into Swiss cheese!


People are here to see the movie, not listen to you!

Hey, Homer, great yell-outs tonight!

Lucky you, Marge! You get to hear 'em the loudest!

You've ruined me for other men!

That's my hobby.

This is my job.

Looks like that guy's got turret's syndrome!

I couldn't have thought of that in 10,000 lifetimes!

Swiss cheese...

Marge, how come you're not saying anything?

There was enough talking during the movie.

This date night was even worse than the date night we saw Date Night.

Oh man, Marge is pissed.

Look at her... flaring her nostrils... drumming her fingers... making small noises like she's yelling at me inside her head...

Just take me home!

That's what she said!

Another good one! You're on fire...!

In order to cut down on the rash of embarrassing YouTube videos of our teachers, we will be scanning you and taking away your smartphones.

Make sure I get this back.

A new low.

I should've taken that superintendent job in Honduras.

My own donkey, all the sugarcane I could suck... if only I could stomach the upside-down question marks.

Hm... Hm?!

Hey Simpson. Let me save you the trouble of putting that money back in your pocket.


Stupid Nelson! I hate that guy.

My mom says bullies only bully 'cause they're scared.

Your mom's next!

You make dumb kids, lady.



Boy, Homer, I gotta say, Marge looked pretty easy on the eyes last night.

And I know eye-ease!

Yeah. Uh-oh.

Trouble in paradise?

No, just my marriage.


Honey, it's me again.

I can't work knowing that you're mad at me.

I just wanna hear your voice.

And I'm counting the minutes till the whistle blows, then I go to Moe's, then I rush home to you.

Ooh! Explain this infernal wheel to me again.

Left for left, right for right!

Enough of your double-talk!

Excellent. He's alive.

Smithers, give this man one Ibuprofen, uncoated, and send him back to his workstation.

Sir, Simpson has sustained a serious concussion.

Recent research says you must give him time off to recover.

Oh, pish.

When I was in Africa, I had my skull cracked open by cannibals, and I'm still kicking!

Sir, that was your partner.

You betrayed him to the cannibals.

Oh, that's right.

I have his memories because I ate his brain.

Mr. Burns, you have to give this man something.

He could sue us for all we've got! Mm...

Fine. Eight weeks off with pay.

That's a good thing.

But you said it so mean.

Eight weeks paid vacation, and all because of a little bump on the noggin.

Hey, Marge, here's something that'll make you happy!

Not in the mood!

No, this is really good. I...

Nelson took my lunch money again.

Now, listen, Lisa...

Hold that thought. I'm tuning my saxophone.

Sharp. Flat.

Sharp. Flat. No one will tell me if I'm a ghost or not! Well, I just got...

Got what, Homer?

Uh... I got...

Shelbyville radio in my car for a few minutes.

Homer, I'm a single mother trying to raise a family here.

But you're not... Just zip it!

I have eight weeks paid vacation, and my family doesn't know.


Honey, I'm off to work!

You know... maybe I should call in sick.

We could visit all our old romantic haunts that have closed and turned into temporary Halloween stores.

I have to take Maggie for her checkup.

And a guy's coming to see what the smell is under the house.

I get it. You need your Marge time.

Well, I'm... off to work.

Ow! Ow!

My feet hurt, and my neck is cold.

Children, I didn't get much sleep last night, because I was up late again, lamenting the choices I've made.

Haw-haw! You can't change the past.

Just for that, you can go to the principal's office, while the rest of the class enjoys... a movie day.

Krustyburger, Every day thousands of people wolf down his "kwazy cuisine" thinking they're getting the nutrients a human being needs to live.

But for 30 days, this reporter ate nothing but this joker's deck of carbs.

And I say,

Do you want lies with that?

Oh great. Another documentary making me look like a scuzzbag.

What is it this time?

That the town I sponsor in Africa doesn't exist?

Prove it! Film all of Africa!

Day 12, I've gained 20 pounds.

As for my cholesterol...

It's bad. You can just scrape it right off.

But still I soldier on with my "Laffy Meal. "

Hey, this is all above-board.

One month of eating Krustyburger and nothing else has transformed me into a morbidly obese, toilet-busting American.

If I don't have some kind of nugget every five minutes, I'll die.

I'm so weak...

I can't even fill out this application for "Documentary Film Oscar. "

But it'll be worth it if my suffering teaches Krusty the value of proper nutrition.

You're gonna be my breakfast English sausage!


Man, when you're not at work, you see so many beautiful things.

And now, because it's afternoon, I can go to Moe's without having a "drinking problem. "

Hey, Homer. I could hear your pathetic rationalizing through the door.

Well, why can't I hang out at the bar all day?

My wife doesn't want to be with me.

Look, I'd love to discuss your problems, but a pack of raccoons took over my back room and today's the day I make my stand.

Aah! Aah! There's more than I thought!

I wish I could pull down my zipper and that guy would come out.

Stranger things have happened, Homer.

Stradivarius Cain!

What the...? Am I losing my marbles?

No, I'm just an illusion caused by the concussion you suffered at the plant.

Can I put my hand through you?

If you want.

C'mon... really?

Show a little class.


Now I'm about to undertake my toughest mission ever, to make you into a man your wife can't resist.

What the...? No one can see you!

Other people's imaginary friends can see me.

Hello, Dr. Cain.

Hello, Hufnpuffalus.

Sorry I slept with your girlfriend.

You did me a favor, man.

Lunch money, lunch money, lunch money.

Hey, Lis.

Nelson, don't you want my lunch money?

Nah. Chicks wind up getting all your money anyway.

That's sexist, but thank you.

Now I gotta go liberate some cash from your brother.

Well, if you must.

See if you can find out where my dolls are.

You might not like the answer.

I just want closure.

Simpson, you know why I'm here.

Nelson, I could give you my lunch money... or I could give you...


Actual lunch?!

Look at all them burgers and fries.

I didn't know they served these things warm!

Aw... they feel like a baby's head.

I just thank God you didn't take my coupons.

Got enough for a month.

Free hamburger?! Mmm-mmm-mmm!

No, you give them the coupon, and they give you the hamburger.

I knew that.

I must say, whoever installed your car's secret weapons did a great job hiding them.

Yeah, Dr. Cain, the thing about that is... uh, there aren't any weapons.

What?! Well, does your car at least turn into something else?

Sometimes Marge says I turn it into a trashcan.


Homer, you are going to clean up this car, put on cologne, and become a sparkling conversationalist.

Sounds like you're turning into wife number two.

I can do that.

So, stick with Marge!

Whoa, what's going on there, Lou?

Well, if you ask me, Chief...

All right, what does this mean?

Childhood obesity... it's not funny anymore!

Breakfast cereals where the surprise inside is diabetes and soda cups the size of hot tubs have made every state Mississippi-fat.


That's Nelson!

No, you're imagining things.

What else you got?

Just bubbling oil.

Stand back and give me a straw.

Now, the ultimate test, I want you to convince... that woman to give herself to you body and soul.

But I'm a married man.

Yeah, I know. A married man is never attracted to a beautiful woman he doesn't even know, but this will give you the confidence you need with Marge.

Okay, I'll make a stranger love me forever.

And Homer, remember, it doesn't matter what you say as long as you say it with confidence.


My dear, did you just fall from heaven?

'Cause your hair looks really messed up.

Okay, it matters a little what you say.

Moving on...

You know what wood makes the best ventriloquist dummy? Maple.

How many hardboiled eggs do you think I can eat?

Look, just say this, Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Mm!

When I was in special ops, they held me in an Afghan prison where all I could see was a patch of blue sky.

But that blue was nothing compared to the blue of your eyes.

Oh... I am a sucker for articulate fatsos.

Homer looks over at Cain, who smiles and nods.

What is this?

I leave for two seconds to get chocolate martinis, and my wife is expertly seduced by this pork empanada!

What do I do?

Squirt that lemon in his eye!

You think a lemon will stop me?!

A lime! No...!

Did you see the guy?

Marge, what brings you to the S.N.P.P.?

Homie's been working so hard.

I thought I'd bring him a special lunch.

Marge, you're a blue angel.

And I'm not talking ' about those pilots that hot dog in an air show while the real men are in combat.

But I gotta ask, where's Homer working?

Here, right?

Not since Burns gave him that time off.

What is this? Week six? What?!

I knew there was a reason he was leaving on time!

Oh, I can't believe this!

What'd you say to her?

I don't know.

I thought I was making small talk.

But it turned out to be big talk.

What?! Krusty!

This once-vibrant young bully won't even live to pick on kids in junior high!

Because he's been eating nothing but your food!

Atta boy!

Got any fries, man? I just need a couple.

Not my responsibility.

He didn't have to order that crap.

We've got yogurt and salad on the menu!

Do you actually serve those items?

No. Mmm...

All right, kid, to make this right, I'm gonna hook you up with my personal trainer.

Billy, get this kid into superhero shape!

Hugh Jackman Wolverine?

I'm not made of money.

Alicia Silverstone Batgirl?

He's that now.

Busy day at work?

Did you get a lot of work done, workerman?

What do I do? What do I do?!

Take her by those shoulders she never covers and tell her the truth.

You're right, Marge, I lied.

Don't give me that load of... Huh?

I got a head injury at work, and they gave me eight weeks paid vacation.

Head injury?! Why didn't you tell me?

And I spent all that time learning how to be a better husband.

The kind of husband you deserve.


Kiss her. Kiss her while I watch.


The three of us are going to the most romantic restaurant in town.

This car's so clean!

I'm not getting flea bites on my ankles!

I have bug-bombed the car for m'lady.


We meet again!

Looking for this?

He won't be out for long. Flee, my love!

Why is he trying to kill you, and why did she call you her love?

It was all a training exercise to make me smooth for you.

Of course, she fell for me, and of course, I wanted no part of her.

Now the only one who can help us is Stradivarius Cain.

The guy from the movie?

I'll explain later.

Strad, come back!

I know you're in there!


Not you.

Big fan, but no.

Cleatus the football robot, you're my only hope!

No one likes you!

How can a fat man hide so well?

Strad, where are you?

You can handle him, Homer.

Just remember what I taught you.

When I was in special ops, they held me in an Afghan prison where all I could see was a patch of blue sky.

But that blue was nothing compared with the blue of your eyes.

I cannot kill a poet like you.

And you are a very lucky woman.

This is why I always say "mingle at parties. "

It's how I met Greg Kinnear.

Ay! With the Greg Kinnear again.

Can't friends talk about friends?

He is not your friend!

Then why did he say he'd call me when he comes to Bolivia?

We used to be like them.


So, how many more weeks do you have off?

Actually, I was supposed to be back last week.

We'll just wait for the call from Human Resources.

I guess my work here is done.

But Stradivarius Cain will return in "Lisa Gets a B Plus. "

I knew you were mad at me.

At the risk of inflaming Sister Fate, this bully-free period has been an Arcadian idyll!

Here, here! Idyll!


I administer with this nose.

This is a happy ending?

Well, he's tough on nerds, but easy on the eyes.

What'd you just say?