The Simpsons S3E4 Script

Bart the Murderer (1991)

##Ahh, the Simpsons ##


Good morning, world!


Ow... ow...

Good morning, Lisa.

What are you so happy about?

Why shouldn't I be happy?

It's a beautiful day, my homework is done...

I got my mojo working, and we're going on a field trip... this afternoon.

And looks like I got me... a genuine glow-in-the-dark police badge.


Hey, it's not in here.

You stole it!

No one wants your stupid police badge, Bart.

Hey, look what I got-- a genuine official police badge.

Calling all cars.

Come out with your hands up.

Hey, that's my badge, Homer.

That's Officer Homer.

Lousy prize-grabbing, badge-wearing...


You ate my homework?

I didn't know dogs really did that.

Wait! Wait!


Bart Simpson, you're late.

Go fill out a tardy slip.

But I'm only five... 1 0, 20... 40 minutes?

That's pretty damn late.

Come on, over this way.

Hey, girls... look at me!

You can stop looking at me now.


Well, it's nearly 1 :00.

You know what that means.

That's right-- it's time for our field trip... to the chocolate factory.

Did you remember your permission slips?



Oh, what a day.

I'm going to eat eight pieces of chocolate.

I'll eat it till I barf.

Don't worry, Bart.

We'll find something fun for you to do.

Here's a whole box of unsealed envelopes... for the P.T.A.

You're making me lick envelopes?

Licking envelopes can be fun.

Just make a game of it.

What kind of game?

Well, see how many you can lick in an hour.

Then try to break that record.

Sounds like a pretty crappy game.

Yes, well, get started.

Oh, my God!

It's Cocoa Beanie himself.

I think this is something Bart would have enjoyed... but it's the only way he'll learn.

Uh... uh... children, please.


Welcome to the chocolate factory.

I'm Troy McClure.

You probably remember me from such films... as The Revenge of Abe Lincoln... and The Wackiest Covered Wagon in the West.

The history of chocolate starts with the ancient Aztecs.

In those days... instead of being wrapped in a hygienic package... chocolate was wrapped... in a tobacco leaf.

Instead of being pure chocolate... like we have today... it was mixed with shredded tobacco... and they didn't eat it-- they smoked it.

You didn't believe me... when I said it would be fun, did you?

No, thir.

My glasses!

Please, kids, play sanitary.

Tan I doe now?



I... doe... now?''


Well, there's still a minute to go.

Oh, why not?

But don't you tell your teacher...

I let you go early.

Die don't.


Ugh!... Aah!... Unh!...

Son of a b... Oof!.

What next?


What's with the kid?

Hands off the material.

What do you know?

The kid's tough.

He's got spunk.

I wonder if he is lucky also.

Pick a horse, kid.

Shelbyville Downs, third race.

Make it good.

Eat my shorts.

Eat My Shorts.

Okay, let's see.

Hey, wait a minute, you little punk!

That's the fifth race.

I said the third race.

Don't have a cow.

Don't Have a Cow in the third.

Put a deuce on him.

While we are waiting, let me show you around.

This is our bar... and our slot machine and card tables.


Boss, here's the call for the third race.

It's Suffering Succotash by a neck... over Yabba-Dabba-Do, Ain't I a Stinker, and That's All Folks.

Here comes Don't Have a Cow flying on the outside... and it's Don't Have a Cow.

I like this kid.

And we were gonna shoot him.

Can you mix drinks?

I don't know.

I'll have a Manhattan.

Make Legs a Manhattan.

I'm not sure I...

Mmm, mmm...




You got a job? Doing what?

Uh, I don't know.

Mixing drinks, picking horses... cutting cigars-- a job.

Your father and I don't want you doing that.

Homer, say something.

What does it pay?

Thirty bucks a week.

I make more than that.

I was looking for those.

Thanks, doll.


It's funny because it's true.

Well observed.

Chief Wiggum, you honor us with your presence.

Baloney! I won't rest... until one of us is behind bars--you.

You know anything about a cigarette truck... that got hijacked on Route 401 ?

What's a truck?

Don't play dumb with me.

Relax, Chief.

You seem tense.

You know, the boy here makes an excellent Manhattan.


I'm still going to put you away.

Good for you.

Bart! Have you started smoking?


Don't lie to me, boy.

Uh-huh! Cigarettes.

Just as I thought.

My boss said his warehouse was full.

Yeah, right.

I'm going to teach you a lesson.

I'm going to stand here... and watch you smoke every one of those cigarettes.

Then maybe you'll learn.

Fat Tony sent me over to pick up the goods.

In here, my man.

You look good with that cigarette-- kind of sophisticated.

Son, I'll never doubt you again.

The contents of the hijacked truck... some 1 2,000 cartons of Laramie 1 00s.

We have... Please!

We have a number of leads... and let me assure all you smokers... there is no shortage of cigarettes.

How do we know that?

Let me refer that back toJack Larson... of Laramie Tobacco Products.

Thank you, Chief.

Folks, I'm pleased to announce that a new truckload of Laramies... with their smooth good taste and rich tobacco flavor... is already heading toward Springfield... and the driver has been instructed... to ignore all stop signs and crosswalks.

Police suspect the involvement of reputed mobster...

William ''Fat Tony'' Williams.

Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city... and I am the...

Uh, what cures cancer?

Bart, is your boss a crook?

I don't think so... although it would explain... an awful lot.

Me and the boys thank you... for hanging on to this for us.


Uh... say... are you guys crooks?

Bart, um... is it wrong to steal a loaf of bread... to feed your starving family?


For a large starving family... is it wrong to steal a truckload of bread?


And what if your family don't like bread?

They like... cigarettes.

I guess that's okay.

Now, what if instead of giving them away... you sold them at a price... that was practically giving them away?

Would that be a crime?

Hell no.

Enjoy your gift.


Give me three fingers of milk, Ma.

It's good he has a part-time job... but I'm not sure... about the people Bart's working for.

I think they're criminals.

Ajob's a job.

If my plant pollutes the water and poisons the town... by your logic, that would make me a criminal.

Bart's been acting very strangely... and that pizza delivery truck... has been parked across the street for two weeks.

How long does it take to deliver a pizza?

Our cover's blown.

Let's roll.

See? It was all your imagination.

Homer, I want you to go down to that club... and talk to them.

See what kind of people they are.

Please, Homie.

Oh, all right.


Read 'em and weep, boys.

Another pair of sixes.

Beats me.

I was bluffing.

You win again, Homer.

I am thrilled your boy... can continue to work here.

If you need a hat-check girl, I've got a daughter.

Homer, you're a hell of a father.

Homer! What did you find out?

The only thing going on down there... was male bonding.

More stink lines, boys.


What are you boys doing?

You didn't see nothing. Now, beat it.

So, Fat Tony, you invite... me and my associates to your club... with the promise... of the finest Manhattans in all of Springfield.

Now you say your bartender isn't here?

I don't know what happened.

Louie, make up some Manhattans.

I only know how to make wine spritzers.


What have I done to deserve this flat, flavorless Manhattan?


Come on, boys.

The kiss of death.

That's all I need.

...lousy Skinner.

You are late for work.

Of course I'm late for work!

Principal Skinner kept me after school.

Is Skinner causing you trouble?

He sure is, patron.

Hmm. Perhaps we should go... to meet and greet this individual.

Come on, boys.

Some large men to see you, sir.

I don't have an appointment with any large men.

You Skinner?

I'm Principal Skinner, yes.

And how did you get past the hall monitors?

Children, I don't know how to break this to you... but Principal Skinner is... missing.


[ Gasps ] What..?


I thought I found him, but it was only a cat.

Chief Wiggum? Chief Wiggum?

Please, I assure you... we'll be using the most advanced scientific techniques... in the field of... body finding.

I see wedding bells... for Vanna White and Teddy Kennedy.

If we could just stick to Principal Skinner.

Chief Wiggum, I am merely a conduit for the spirits.

Willie Nelson will astound his fans... by swimming the English Channel.

Really? Willie Nelson?

He loved fire drills.

Will you get a hold of yourself, lass... for the wee bairns.

Hey! Look at me!

I'm Skinner's body.

That is not funny.

I heard he's buried under his parking spot.

I heard he was ground into hamburger for lunch.

I heard Bart had him killed.

That's just a rumor.

You're engaged in speculation.

I know the law.

You can't prove anything.


You killed me!

Nuhh... Nuhh...

You killed me, Bart!

You k-k-killed me, B-Bart.

Reverend Lovejoy!

You've come to comfort me?

Yes, Bart.

There, there.

There, there.

Kill my boy.

Kill my boy.


You're eight hours early for work.

I like that.

Did you kill my principal?

Chinese guy with a moustache?

No. My principal.

That Skinner guy?

No, we didn't kill him.

You're all under arrest... for the murder of Seymour Skinner.

What's a murder?

Don't play dumb with me.

Cuff them, boys.

Oh, Bart.

Why couldn't you have gotten a paper route... like other boys?

Wait till I get you home.

Who's that guy?

Lionel Hutz, attorney.

I'll be defending you on the charge of... murder one!

Wow. Even if I lose I'll be famous.

That Simpson boy is looking at 1 80 years.

Thank God we live in a country so hysterical over crime... that a child can be tried as an adult.

I didn't order this guy killed.

Aren't you the head of this gang?

No. I just stop by the club... to read the complimentary newspaper.

Then who is the kingpin, the capo di tutti capi?

That's the guy.


Forgive me, Don Bartholomew.

We tried to stop the kid, but he wouldn't quit.

Prostitution, loan sharking, numbers...

The kid liked to wet his beak in everything.

You've been his father for ten years.

Do you really think he could be the leader... of a murderous criminal syndicate?

Well, not the leader...

I mean...

Oh, it's true, it's true!

All the pieces fit.

In light of the testimony... from your gangsters, your father... your teachers and a seemingly endless parade... of emotionally shattered baby-sitters... this court has no choice but to...


Principal Skinner!

I thought he was dead.

I suppose you're wondering where I've been.

It all started a week ago.

I was at my desk... updating the school dress codes... when I was confronted by toughs... acting on behalf of one Bart Simpson... or so they said.

We think the boy has promise.

Get out!

To get my mind off that ugly confrontation...

I went home and began bundling my old newspapers.

Suddenly the pile fell.

I was trapped.

Let this be a lesson to recycle frequently.

I stayed alive by eating my mother's preserves... and maintained my sanity... by dribbling a nearby basketball.

I made a game of seeing how many times...

I could bounce the ball, and breaking that record.

The police arrived to search my home.

Find anything, boys?

No sign of him.

Princess Opal?

I'm afraid it's splitsville... for Delta Burke and Major Dad.

They seemed so happy.

I shouted until I was hoarse, but they couldn't hear me.

I'm in here!

Well, let's go.

Okay, Chief.

I realized if I was ever getting out...

I had to do it myself.

I formed a crude rocket... from a cigar tube.

Remembering an experiment from my days... as a science teacher...

I concocted a fuel... from baking soda and lemon juice.

The rocket took off with a mighty blast of carbon dioxide... dragging a vacuum cleaner cord.

I grabbed the vacuum cleaner... pushed the cord-retractor button... and was on my way to freedom.

And that's my courageous story.

The prosecution moves... that this testimony be stricken from the record.

Denied. Case dismissed.

Your Honor... uh, do I still get paid?

I hope there are no hard feelings.

Get bent.

I deserve that.

I know we let you down, but me and the boys... we still think you've got a big future... in racketeering and extortion.

I used to think your gang was cool... but now I learned... that crime doesn't pay.

Yeah, you're right.

Blood on the Blackboard:: The Bart Simpson Story... starring Richard Chamberlain as Principal Skinner...

Joe Mantegna as Fat Tony...

Jane Seymour as the woman he loved... and Neil Patrick Harris as Bart Simpson.

Let's get out of here.

Shut up.

Where do you want it, Skinner?

Not smart.

Cool! When do we get the check for this?

They changed it just enough... so they don't have to pay us.

You know who the real crooks are-- those sleazy Hollywood producers.