The Sitter (2011) Script

Come inside, take off your coat I'll make you feel at home

(GIRL BREATHING HEAVILY)

Now let's pour a glass of wine

'Cause now we're all alone

(GIRL CONTINUES MOANING)

Oh, my God!

Girl you make me feel real good That's right.

What's up?

Oh, my God.

My mom was so right.

Nice guys really do eat the best pussy.

I'm not really sure how to interpret that. Thank you?

(LAUGHS) Oh, my God.

How are you so good at that?

I'll let you in on a trade secret.

I actually write a short story with my tongue every time I do it.

It follows this young kid who finds this alien in the woods with all these Reese's Pieces and stuff.

And he learns that aliens are just no different.

You just can connect with anyone.

It's kind of like E. T., only with a lot more going down on chicks.

Cool beans.

Yeah, cool beans.

Definitely. Cool little frozen beans.

Yeah.

All right, so...

Thank you for coming. Thank you.

Yeah, we should, uh...

We should probably... Yeah, you should probably go.

Switch places.

What's that?

(LAUGHS)

I figured... Don't you have to go?

No, no, I just figured because I made "mouth love" to you that maybe you could return the favor. (CLICKS TONGUE)

What?

Maybe toss a BJ my way.

If you have time.

Um, my stomach is super-iffy right now.

I think I got food poisoning.

Baby.

So I'm just in no condition to blow you right now, Noah.

No, yeah, that's cool. Okay.

Sorry. Next time, sweetie.

Are you sure you don't want to come over tonight?

There's this thing called a geomagnetic storm.

It's really cool and rare, actually.

It's like an astronomical explosion in the sky of all these beautiful colors.

Whoa! (LAUGHS)

Kind of like Mother Nature's fireworks.

It happens, like, almost never.

Like I said, I'm just not feeling good.

But thank you so much for going down on me.

Oh, yeah. You're really good at, um, getting going down on, getting downed on, so you should be proud of that as well.

Okay, cool. You da man!

You da man.

Peace. You're the best, sweetie.

Don't stop believing in yourself, okay, Maris?

Uncle Ricky, could you read us a bedtime story?

Please, huh, please?

Here we go Once upon a time, not long ago Where people wore pajamas and lived life slow Where laws were stern and justice stood And people were behavin' like they ought to good There lived a little boy who was misled By another little boy and this is what he said Me and you Tike, we're gonna make some cash Robbin' old folks and makin' the dash They did the job, money came with ease But one couldn't stop, it's like he had a disease He robbed another and another and a sister and a brother Tried to rob a man who was a D. T. undercover The cop grabbed his arm, he started actin' erratic He said, "Keep still boy, no need for static"

Punched him in his belly and gave him a slap But little did he know, the little boy was strapped The kid pulled outta gun, he said, "Why'd you hit me?"

The barrel was set straight for the cop's kidney Ran up the stairs up to the top floor Opened up a door, there guess who he saw Dave, the dope fiend shootin' dope Who don't know the meaning of water nor soap?

He said, "I need bullets, hurry up, run "

The dope fiend rolled back a spankin' shot gun This ain't funny, so don't ya dare laugh Just another case about the wrong path Straight and narrow or your soul gets cast Good night

Yo, Mom, what's up?

Noah!

Where were you? Were you out with that girl again?

Yeah, but she's not "that girl," okay?

We're in a relationship. It's legit.

So have you started looking for a job yet?

I can't afford to have you sitting around all day.

You're in a period of stasis. Just a stage of stasis.

Sorry.

You sure you don't want that beer now?

Or maybe something stronger? I have absinthe.

Why can't we hit up Dad? He owes us 10 years of alimony.

Oh, look, kiddo.

If you're looking for a handout, think again times 10.

That guy's a diamond dealer. He has crazy cash.

Why'd you marry such an A-hole?

That A-hole gave me the greatest gift in the world.

Crabs?

He gave me you.

Okay. (LAUGHS)

So, tell me, what do you think?

Do I look okay? You look amazing.

Why are you so concerned with your outfit?

Mrs. Pedulla is introducing me to a surgeon at the fundraiser at the Historical Society.

Okay.

She thinks we're going to hit it off. Nice.

Well, don't give it up too easily.

Give what up? What?

Give what up? What did...

What the hell are you talking about?

I don't know.

Have fun. I love you. Okay? I love you.

(KISSING)

Hey, Mom. Yeah.

I think you're going to have a really great night, and you look beautiful.

Oh. From your lips to God's ears.

Scientists are predicting a giant storm over the city tonight.

A geomagnetic storm, that is.

Caused by flare-ups on the sun, (PHONE RINGING) this rare storm affects the Earth's magnetic field...

Noah, can you get the phone?

Mom, the phone's ringing!

Noah, please get the phone!

Mom, the phone's ringing! Do you hear it?

Noah, can't you think about somebody else besides yourself for once?

No, I totally was. That's why I said the phone was ringing.

I was letting you know that it was ringing.

Yeah. I'm thrilled about tonight.

You flip, but they flop. You flip, but they flop!

What? Oh, is that right?

NOAH: They perfected the pancake?

A rain check?

It's a perfect pancake!

No, that's fine. It's perfect.

Mom, tell whoever's on the phone that there's a perfect pancake.

Thanks.

I'm not going after all.

What? Why?

The Pedullas' sitter canceled at the last minute.

What?

Do I have shit on my face?

Come on. Don't tell me you can't use the money.

Are you crazy? No. I'm not Mary Poppins.

I'm not gonna be a babysitter. I'm an adult man.

Okay'? Babysitting sucks. Adult men don't babysit things.

Oh, Noah, you're wonderful with children!

You know, never mind.

Who am I kidding? Finding a guy at my age is ridiculous.

I'm going to change my dress. (EXHALES)

What are you in the mood for? Chinese?

(SIGHS) Oh, come on.

(RINGS DOORBELL)

NOAH: Ding-dong!

Noah!

Mrs. Pedulla.

It's so good to see you!

Oh, my gosh.

Get over... Bring it in for a hug, babe. What are we doing?

God, I haven't see you since you were, like, 15.

Yeah. So Dr. Pedulla, he's still alive? You two are still together?

Um...

Oh! That's my kind of TV, right there.

Yeah, well, feel free to watch anything you want.

Cool. Yeah.

Hey, Slater?

Anyway, honey, this is Noah. He's going to be babysitting tonight.

What happened to Nancy?

Honey, we talked about this.

Nancy has a urinary tract infection, okay?

Is Clayton coming over tonight?

No, Mom. His tarantula died from parasites, and now he's in mourning.

Well, you're in luck, Noah.

The two of them together are just trouble.

Hey. That's not true.

Why do you say that? You're always attacking us!

Honey, lam not attacking you.

Okay? Calm down.

(PHONE RINGING)

You know what? I'll be right back. Yeah.

Okay? Excuse me just one second.

Hello?

NOAH: Hey, what are you watching?

Just watching some gymnastics.

Cool.

Hey, how old are you, man?

Thirteen.

Thirteen?

What am I doing here? Why aren't you babysitting yourself?

I'm not a babysitter, okay?

Yeah, neither am I.

If you would just man up and babysit, I wouldn't have to be here tonight. I could be out having fun.

I have severe anxiety issues.

And my doctor, he says that I can't handle any kind of responsibility, or else I could just snap (SNAPS FINGERS) at any moment.

Jesus Christ, man. Relax.

Okay. Sorry.

Slater, nice to meet you.

All right, should we go upstairs? Bye, honey.

NOAH: We're gonna have some fun tonight, pal.

(SINGING) Roll back nice and easy Keep your breath inside so you don't get wheezy Honey! What did Mommy tell you about the mascara? Put it down.

You said I could play dress-up.

Yeah, I said you could play dress-up, not make yourself look like a hooker.

Look at you!

(LAUGHS) My daughter Blithe is going through this whole "celebutante" phase.

It's kind of unfortunate, but it's a fad.

That's what they do in the schools.

It'll pass. I don't know where they come from.

Kids, right?

Yeah, kids.

Are you the babysitter?

Why, in fact, I am. I'm Noah.

Noah. That's your name?

Yeah.

That's a super-hot name.

What?

Honey, it's not hot. It's just his name.

Mom, trust me. It's a hot name.

It's actually biblical.

The Bible's a hot book.

Sometimes I like to get dressed up and wear my mom's makeup, Noah.

That's cool. I was thinking we could dress you up like a princess.

No, I don't think, uh... (LAUGHS)

No, honey.

Maybe not tonight. SLATER: Mom!

Excuse me just one second.

Yeah, see you in a sec.

Hey, Noah. I have a little surprise for you.

Cool. Thanks. What is it?

Do you like to smell pretty?

Do I like to what? (YELLS)

(COUGHING) Oh, my God! You got it right in my mouth!

Why'd you do that? (BLITHE GIGGLING)

You just spit on my carpet!

And you just sprayed perfume in my mouth!

What's your problem?

My real babysitter, Nancy, she plays with me when she babysits.

She does what I want her to do, Princess Noah!

You know what?

(WHISPERING) I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

I'm not a real babysitter. (FAKE GASPS)

(WHISPERING) Shocking.

I'm more of a sit-on-the-couch, eat-a-burrito, do-whatever-L say-or-I'll-Kill-you type of babysitter.

That's my style, blood. You understand?

Well, I want to wear sparkly things, shiny things, and glittery stuff to my favorite hot nightclub, okay?

(MIMICKING)

Motherfuck!

You guys okay in here?

What's up? Yeah, no, yeah, I'm just hanging with this little angel right here.

Yeah, we're just chillin'.

(QUIETLY) That's funny. Your breath is really flowery.

Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

Yeah.

Okay, should we go downstairs?

Yeah, cool.

ANNOUNCER: Tonight's main event features crowd favorite Ricky Fontaine versus Dustin MacMillan.

MRS. PEDULLA: Rodrigo!

What did I tell you about fireworks in the house?

And can you shut off the Kickboxing for one night, please?

Say, um, hola to Noah.

(HISSING)

We just adopted him from El Salvador last year and, you know, he's going through some transitions.

NOAH: Okay, cool. MRS. PEDULLA: Okay, well, we'll see you later, all right?

Besos.

Sweet kid. Yeah.

He's a cutie pie.

(OMINOUS COWBOY MUSIC PLAYING)

You kind of have to watch out for Rodrigo.

He has a habit of running away.

Here, hold on to this.

We sewed a GPS chip into his jacket so we could keep track of him.

It's kind of like a LoJack for kids.

Cool. It's just like a little dot that follows him, like a fugitive.

Hey, honey, we're running late! Let's go!

So...

DR. PEDULLA: In a minute.

All of our information is in here, under the blue tab.

There's some frozen pizzas and pudding in the fridge, and we'll be at the Historical Society if you need us.

Cool.

Someone smells wonderful!

I believe that's Noah's mouth. You remember Noah.

I understand you were cited recently for driving under the influence.

Needless to say, our cars are off-limits to you.

Okay, no cars. Got it.

We'll be back no later than 1:00.

Earlier's good for me, too, so hurry home.

And thank you! Thank you, sweetheart.

What the fuck am I doing here?

I come in peace.

And you go in pieces, asshole.

What's up, little man?

(OMINOUS COWBOY MUSIC PLAYING)

What'd you do that for?

You clean it.

You clean it.

Fucking weirdo. BLITHE: Hey, Noah!

How's that perfume taste?

Rodrigo, what is your deal? Stop!

Can we go to a club tonight? This place is so dead.

No.

Don't you just want to go dancing or something?

Rodrigo, seriously, what is your deal? Stop!

I'm trying to watch TV with JonBenet Ramsey over here.

(BLOWING RASPBERRY)

That's uncomfortable.

Do you want to hear some gossip?

I got some hot gossip.

I'm okay, actually.

I'm trying to watch this, if you (SHUSHING) could be quiet.

Give it.

I'm watching this, so can you guys just be quiet, please?

Thank you.

(WHISPERING) I know a secret nobody else knows.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Oh, what's up, twins? Ls Slater home?

Is he here? Yeah, oh, my God!

Slater!

You got the two redrum chicks from The Shining here to see you!

Slater's a cool guy.

TWIN 2: We go to school together.

Oh, my God!

Take care.

Hi, Slater!

Wendy Sapperstein is having her Bat Mitzvah tonight, and she said it was okay if some boys wanted to crash it.

But we only want the super-cute boys.

I don't know if I could make it tonight.

My parents aren't home, and I'm not really supposed to go anywhere.

Well, if you want to come, you can text us.

Yeah, text us, definitely.

Okay.

I'll see you later, guys.

TWIN 1: Okay, cool!

(PHONE RINGING)

What's cooking, good-looking?

You know what? I'm at a party.

Party? I thought you had food poisoning.

I did, and then Steph called me, and she invited me to this party.

Do you want to come? Damn!

I'm doing something for my mom right now.

I really, really want to see you.

I'm actually, like, super-horny for you, and I was thinking we could have sex.

Like intercourse sex?

Yeah, like full-on vaginal sex.

(NOAH CLEARING THROAT)

Yeah, I think I can work something out. Yeah. For sure.

Awesome.

Listen, will you do me a favor and pick up some coke on your way?

Yeah, sure. Do you want anything else, like beer, mixers?

(LAUGHS) No, I mean, like

(IN SING-SONG) coke!

You mean blow?

I thought you were done with that stuff. That stuff's bad news.

I am done with it. It's not for me. It's for Steph, and it's her birthday. She asked me for it.

I'm just trying to be a really good friend about it.

I don't even know where I'd get something like that.

Just call Karl.

Who's Karl?

He's just a super-awesome guy who sells me drugs.

Used to sell me drugs.

(EXHALING) Noah...

I only have 150 bucks.

That's more than enough.

Just ask for one ticket, and he'll hook it up.

Leave me alone, asshole! I'm on the phone with my boyfriend.

Did you just call me your boyfriend?

Yeah, I guess I did. So are you coming or not?

Hello? Are you there?

Yeah. Fuck it. I'm in.

Holy shit balls.

A minivan.

That car's not hot at all.

NOAH: As much as I hate to do this, we're going on a little field trip.

(KIDS SHOUTING)

(KIDS CONTINUE SHOUTING)

What is your deal? Why are you wearing so much makeup?

(SINGING) Looking real fly on my way to the club Gonna dance all night and get fucked up BLITHE: Say whatever you want. I know I look good.

All right, one of you guys has to hop up here with me.

I'm not your chauffeur.

What if you hit somebody or something?

I mean, it's safer for children to be in the back seat.

You are such a bitch. Grow a set of nuts.

I beat him for you.

Get his ass. Guys.

Not again. Stop being such children.

Hit him in the face, dawg! Go away.

Stop it. One thing about Rodrigo.

He's not a bitch, I'll tell you that much.

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHING) Slater, seriously, tell me you are not wearing a fanny pack.

Tell me I'm imagining that and that's not what I'm actually seeing.

I need it to carry my pills.

Why do you take those pills anyway?

I already told you, I have issues.

Issues?

You look like a Gap model!

When I was your age, I had a mouth full of braces and a face like a Papa John's pizza.

Those are real issues, my man.

Whatever.

BLITHE: I've got a good idea. Why don't we go to a dance club?

Why don't we play a game?

Like Spin the Bottle?

No, not like Spin the Bottle, like a little game I invented called the Shut-the-Fuck-Up Game.

First person not to shut the fuck up loses. Ready? Go.

(FARTING)

(GROANS) Come on, Rodrigo, you just lost, buddy.

It was not me.

(GIGGLING)

NOAH: Slater, that's disgusting.

Didn't your parents teach you not to fart in the car?

You just crop-dusted me.

No, that was not me.

Uh-oh. What's "uh-oh"?

It was me. I pooted.

I don't think it was just a poot-poot.

I sharted. (ALL EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)

NOAH: Come on!

(SINGING) When you're shopping It's super-cool Hey, Noah. Oh, my God, isn't this shirt so cute?

Oh, it's super-cute!

Can you get it for me?

Yeah! Of course. I'll get you anything you want Seriously? No.

Here, put these on.

They're green. I wouldn't be caught dead in these.

Don't shit your pants next time.

Dressing room's over there. Clean up, or whatever.

Can I help you, sir?

Huh?

Can I help you?

I'm just waiting for somebody.

(LAUGHS) Yeah.

Yup!

(FAKE LAUGHING)

No. I'm just waiting for somebody.

That's pretty weird, considering you're a grown-ass man hanging out in the little girls' underwear section.

Right. I could see how that could be misconstrued as strange, or whatever.

Very. They fit. Let's go.

There we go. There she is.

Excuse me, young lady, do you know this person?

No. Yeah.

Which is it?

He came into my house and stole my mom's minivan.

Now he's taking me and my brothers to get some candy.

Okay, that sounds way, way worse than it actually is.

Hey, don't I know you from somewhere?

What? No, I'm the babysitter.

What? He's not a real babysitter.

He's a "do-whatever-I-say- or-I'll-kill-you type of babysitter."

What?

That sounds way... That's what he said!

Blithe, shut the fuck up.

Do not tell her to shut up!

Thank you.

Ooh, shit! I remember you! I went to high school with your ass!

You came to my house party one time, got all wasted, and then you puked in my grandmama's urn.

And when I asked you about it, you lied and ran away like a little biotch!

I didn't run away like a little biotch!

I probably just ran like a normal person.

And now you're hanging out in the little girls' clothes section.

Can you please lower your voice?

There are numerous misunderstandings.

No, no, no. I'm not buying none of this. Come on, little girl.

Let me go! I'm not buying it!

(CLAMORING)

You got some shit to deal with!

Security!

Why did you say that, Blithe?

You were trying to make me buy green underwear.

Green underwear is not hot!

You're the worst babysitter ever!

(MIMICKING BLITHE) "You're the worst babysitter ever!"

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

You guys?

Where's Rodrigo?

I don't know. I guess he left.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

That's an incredible observation, Slater. Where did he go?

I don't know. I was talking to my friend Clayton.

Which way did he go?

I don't know!

(GPS TRACKER BEEPING)

Got you, you little bastard.

Hey, what's up?

May I help you, sir?

Yeah.

I'm looking for a small Hispanic boy.

About 4'8", leather jacket, pajamas, cowboy boots.

Have you seen him? No.

"I've not seen a 4'8" Hispanic boy in a leatherjacket, pajamas, and cowboy boots.

Probably would have remembered that.

Something tells me you have before, you fucking asshole.

(SINGING) Don't say no because I insist Somewhere, somehow someone's got to be kissed

(TOILET FLUSHING)

There you are! What are you doing in here?

I dropped a bomb. (OMINOUS COWBOY MUSIC PLAYING)

That's very cute.

Come on, wash your hands.

(LAUGHING)

What's so funny?

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit, what are you doing?

(NOAH STAMMERING)

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

MAN: What is going on back there?

It's all good! Just continue eating your meals. I know him.

He's a friend of mine.

That looks good. What is that?

You run away again, and I'll break your legs!

Then I bite your ear!

What? I bite your what? I eat your ear.

I bite it off with my teeth, then you don't hear nothing.

That's very specific.

(SIGHING) All right. I've got to pick up some candy for my girlfriend.

So you guys wait here and watch little bin Laden back there, okay?

This isn't about getting candy, is it?

Lock the doors, keep your head between your legs.

Don't move or talk to anybody or look at anybody.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(SOFTLY) Don't you fuck with me, Rodrigo.

WOMAN: Hey, mister! Hey, over here!

I do top shit or bottom, whatever you want.

Noah Griffith?

Yeah.

Are you Karl?

(GARV GIGGLES AND SNORTS)

No, I fucking wish, papi.

If you want to see Karl, I'm gonna have to, like, strip-search you.

Okay, we're good. I believed you.

Follow me!

What the fuck?

(ESCAPE (THE PINA COLADA SONG) PLAYING)

GARV: This way.

Hey, Eduardo!

(GRUNTS)

He's really cranky.

(INDISTINCT TALKING ON TV)

That's Russ. He's got an attitude.

You're such a slowpoke.

Come on.

(OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

It's okay. Do it again. Do it again.

One more time.

That's good. I like that.

Hey, Karl!

Oh, my God! You scared me!

You scared me, sneaking up on me like a little squirrel!

You have a visitor.

KARL: Dude, the roller skates.

You're going to get track marks all over my mahogany floors.

Are you serious?

Go get me a smoothie. Get out of my face.

GARV: You're no fun. KARL: You're no fun.

Oh, my God. Hi. Hi.

You must be Noah Griffith. I've been waiting for you all night.

What's up? I'm Karl with a Sorry about the banging.

We're doing some slight renovations, as you can see.

We're knocking down some walls so we can get a little more square footage in here.

A little more elbow room.

Uh, that's awesome.

What's awesome about it?

Huh?

Why is that awesome?

More room for bodybuilders and experiments and stuff.

(LAUGHS)

That's funny! You're funny, Noah Griffith.

You're really funny.

Thank you. You're very cool as well. So...

You sure we haven't met?

Déjà vu.

Hey, check this out.

This is an art project.

It's made from the shell of an ancient baby dinosaur egg.

We like to package our product artistically.

And prehistorically. Bump?

I'm fine, thanks. (KARL SNORTING)

(LAUGHING)

I like you, Noah Griffith! You're so shy.

You're so gorgeous and shy. You remind me of my Aunt Shirley.

She was Asian. Are you biracial?

Karl! I got shot!

Oh, my God.

I got shot, Karl.

Oh, my God.

Don't let me die on this floor, Karl.

Who shot at you?

Angelo on 14th Street shot me in my tummy, Karl.

He shot me in my tummy.

KARL: Oh, my God.

Please, someone, please! Somebody get me a doctor!

Please, someone... Do you know CPR?

What? I don't know.

Do you know CPR?

I don't even think mouth-to-mouth will help this particular situation.

Why doesn't Garv do it?

(WHINING)

Karl, don't let me die!

I have kids, man.

My God. Jesus Christ.

Fucking hell!

Somebody help me.

Fine! What?

Help me, please.

He's going into shock.

Please, help me. Oh, God.

Now, please, hurry up.

What's up, fool?

KARL: Got you!

What's happening right now?

I don't understand. Are you okay? What, is this a joke?

I got him! I got him!

I could smell your breath that time. You were so close.

What's happening?

You're so adorable.

You just fell for a little prank.

Prank?

Around here, we pull pranks and shit to make sure people aren't undercover pigs

'cause we kill pigs around here.

This is Julio, my business partner.

This is Kool-Aid, man.

KARL: Come on over here. Let's get down to business.

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

SLATER: Right there, there are prostitutes and there are people with guns.

And I don't want to get shot tonight.

(SINGING) She ain't nothin' but a hoochie mama Hoodrat, hoodrat hoochie mama Oh, I love those big brown eyes And the way you shake your thighs Acting like you're so damn cute Just let your boy just slide them boots KARL: You got my money? NOAH: Yeah.

JULIO: Yeah! KARL: Put out your hand.

Here's one ticket.

Trick or treat, smell my feet.

How do you know Marisa?

You know Marisa?

She is my girlfriend, actually.

(LAUGHING)

Come on, man, stop it!

Karl.

There's some kid here.

KARL: You didn't call the fuzz, did you, Noah?

No. Rodrigo.

What are you doing? Go back to the car. How'd you even get in here?

I pee-pee now.

He's with you?

Yeah, I'm, uh babysitting.

Babysitting?

You need to go back to the car, because you already went pee-pee. Okay?

I pee-pee. Pee your pants.

What's your problem, man? Let him take a piss!

Trying to make a little kid hold in his pee-pee!

That's right. Oye, Fonzie.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

You go pee-pee KARL: Don't make a mess!

Come in for a bear hug.

Get outta here. Put that handshake away.

Better hug this motherfucker if you know what's good for you.

Hug him tight!

Swordfight up in this motherfucker! Pull it together!

(GROANS)

KARL: Have a great night. (GRUNTS)

Okay, I know we had a few setbacks, but we're almost done.

I just gotta drop off this package to my girlfriend, say a quick hi-ho to her, then I'm going to turn us around and take us home.

I know I can be a bit of a prick sometimes, so I want to thank you guys for being patient.

BLITHE: Okay, so we're gonna go to my favorite club in New York City, and you're gonna come...

Hey, buddy, what you got there?

RODRIGO: I no know.

I find it in bathroom.

Shit!

Rodrigo, give that to me right now.

I'm serious, man. Give it to me right now.

No way. Finder keepers.

Put it in my hand right now!

No.

Rodrigo. No.

Just... Just let go!

It's mine.

Let it go! Just give it to me!

BLITHE: You're both such booger faces. Stop fighting!

Let go! Okay.

It's snowing!

What the fuck?

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Noah Griffith!

Hey!

Hey, Karl, what's up? How did you get this number?

I got it off your Facebook page, as I was trying to friend you as you were walking out.

Anyway, as I was friending you, Julio noticed that maybe you stole a baby dinosaur egg from me.

And it's just, like, I'm confused.

You know what I mean? Because I'm thinking that we're friends, and then all of a sudden, I don't know, it's like...

I really liked you, you know?

Karl, just relax, please. I'm sorry, I don't have your drugs.

The kid I'm babysitting, he took one of your eggs, and I was trying to get it back and it accidentally splashed in my face.

Fucking shut the fuck up.

Unless I get my drugs back or my money back, I'm going to kill you!

I'll fucking kill you!

I want you to meet me at Wing's Fish Market.

Where?

Wing's Fish Market. It's in Chinese Town.

You meet me there in one hour with my 10 grand, or you're dead meat.

Um, okay. Thanks, bye.

I have to go pee-pee now.

You're holding it in this time, asshole.

It'll be all right.

I thought he was my friend.

It's all right.

Shut up! I wanna go home.

(SPEAKS SPANISH) I don't know what you're saying.

Don't. Stop it! Stop! No!

BLITHE: No, my lip gloss! Give it back!

Shut up! Shut up! Shut the fuck up!

What are you getting mad at us for?

Because Rodrigo here is a thief, and now I'm in deep shit.

And the worst part of all of this is that I'm stuck here with you three.

You, you got more issues than a magazine stand.

And, you, wipe the makeup off your face, Picasso.

What are you, a mob wife?

And, you, you're the worst.

I know you're a little kid, and I know I'm not supposed to say this kind of stuff to you, but fuck you.

Fuck you so much.

You're a douche.

Look, Noah, if you hate us that much, then just drop us off with our parents.

You know what? That's an amazing idea. Let's go.

I've seen the way you look at me I know the things you say when I'm not there

But when you're here alone with me Baby, don't pretend that you don't care Come on, let the feeling begin Come on, baby Come on, yeah

Don't stop when the feeling begins Come on. I've changed my mind. I need to clean up my mess myself.

All right, ideas, ideas, ideas, ideas, ideas.

Okay. Slater, can you get off the phone?

I need an idea. You can text your buddy Clayton later, okay?

Yeah, man, seriously!

SLATER: It's not Clayton. It's those twins, and they want me to go to Prospect Hall for Wendy Sapperstein's Bat Mitzvah.

That's, like, a pretty swanky joint, right?

Yeah, the Sappersteins are totally loaded and she's, like, crazy spoiled.

Spoiled.

So lots of gifts, lots of cash.

Slater, you're a genius. You're a genius, dude!

All right, let's go, let's go, let's go!

Let's go, let's go, let's go! Hustle!

All right, come on, kids. Come on.

All right, thank you.

BLITHE: This place looks like a party.

NOAH: Keep walking, keep walking.

WENDY: Maybe you should just invite anyone you know, anyone who's ugly, because they seem to all be here!

MRS. SAPPERSTEIN: That's very nice.

Is that what the rabbis taught you?

Mom! This is my night. It's my celebration, and I did not invite these nerds to my Bat Mitzvah!

What more can I do for you? Rent the Taj Ma-fucking-hal for you?

There's so much blue cheese here, it smells like barf, Mom!

Damn, Wendy Sapperstein's a big ol' bitch!

Yeah, she scares me.

All right, guys, we're gonna stay under the radar.

Okay? Keep it low profile.

Did you hear what I just said?

I said low profile! All right?

Stop puncturing balloons! Do you understand me? (SHUSHING)

Noah, Noah. Does this place have bottle service?

I want a Red Bull and vodka.

No, you don't. You don't even know what that is. It's bad for you.

Slater! You showed up!

We've been looking all over for you!

Oh. Hey.

TWIN 1: We've been dancing all night.

TWIN 2: Yeah, this Bat Mitzvah is the best!

It's like Jew city out there, and we're the fucking mayors.

You ready to go dance?

He's ready to go dance. This guy was born to dance.

You want to come? Come on. Let's go.

You big stud.

Time to go make a Slater sandwich!

Some of that gingerbread, my man.

No bathrooms, you understand me, Rodrigo? No baño.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

You're a pendejo. You're a puto.

You're a puta, bitch.

I'm gonna fuck you up, dawg!

Noah Griffith?

Uh, hey.

That's you, right?

Yeah. What's up? How's it going?

It's Roxanne.

I lived in the dorms down the hall from you, freshman year.

That's right. We were in Astronomy, right?

Yeah, I sat behind you in Astronomy.

We were, like, the only two students who seemed to give a shit.

(CHUCKLES) That's right. Yeah.

You made that scale model of Saturn with a cantaloupe, right?

Oh, shit, yeah. That was you.

That thing was fresh. That was cool. Yeah, that was me.

Did you know about the geomagnetic storm tonight?

I did. I'm gonna check it out. Are you?

I'm actually kind of excited for it.

Yeah. For sure.

Yeah, it's gonna be cool. Yeah, it's gonna be pretty cool.

BANDLEADER: Stay on that dance floor! It's time for the hora!

(GUESTS CHEERING) Wow!

Hava Nagila, yeah. You gonna go on the chair?

I don't think so. Yeah?

No. No chair for me.

I can't believe you're here. Like, I haven't seen you in forever.

Yeah, I'm actually not in school this year.

That sucks.

But I'm working right now, obviously.

But once I get off work, I'm going to a pool hall with some of my co-workers.

Would you want to come? Oh, cool.

That would be great, but I'm actually in the middle of a situation currently.

Oh, yeah. No worries. I just thought I'd ask.

No. Thank you. Any other time.

Oh, my God.

Oh, shit.

It was great running into you again.

(LAUGHING) Oh, my God!

Put your fucking dick away!

You're getting piss all over me!

You're getting piss all over my feet!

Watch out. Come on.

BLITHE: Happy birthday, Wendy! NOAH: Mazel tov, Wendy.

(BLITHE YELLING) What were you doing?

You do not take a piss in the middle of a party, okay?

You don't piss in the middle of a Bat Mitzvah, you idiot!

Clayton?

(SOFTLY) Oh, shit.

What are you doing here? What about your tarantula?

Oh, I got over that, man It's just a spider, bro.

Since when do you hang out with Benji Gillespie?

Look, I can hang out with as many other people as I want.

I don't think you understand that.

I'm getting kind of sick of going to your house all the time and watching tennis.

We do other shit.

No, we don't! You don't do anything!

I can't just always hang around you.

I don't get why you're being mean to me.

He doesn't want to hang out with you any more, bro.

How hard is it to understand that?

Just stop calling and texting him all the time. It's weird.

Is that true?

See you around.

Yo.

Hey, man. You all right?

Those guys fucking with you? Yeah, I'm fine.

You okay?

Yeah, just leave me alone!

Hi. I'm so sorry to have to say this to you.

It's just that I can't seem to find your car.

What do you mean, you can't find my car?

Well, I think we lost it.

You didn't lose your Morrissey box set. Where's my fucking car, dude?

(SOBS)

Did you lose it or you taking a shit right now?

A little of both.

There's no "a little bit" of taking a shit.

You're either shitting your pants or you're not.

Stop crying, all right? It's not going to solve anything.

Let's go find this shit. All right?

Hey, look! There it is!

Oh, thank God we found it.

That's not finding it, you idiot. Someone stole it.

Oh, poo.

Three thousand bucks.

Is that good?

No. It's not. We need 7,000 more. And it's almost 11:00.

Hey, Noah, I have an idea.

How about you start your own signature fragrance?

That's a great idea!

I'll just alert my team of scientists, have them invent a new perfume.

We'll start selling it and we'll have seven grand in the next 45 minutes!

You're such a jerk.

God damn it, my fucking shin.

I'm just trying to help.

All I know is, is I'm going to be a famous celebrity who designs on the side, and I'm going to be rich.

What the hell are you talking about?

You do know that just being a celebrity and having a good time is not a real job, right?

Yeah, it is! Being a famous celebrity is the greatest thing in the world!

It means people take your picture.

You get to have birthday parties at the coolest clubs and dance on tables.

Even for a small child, you sound like an idiot.

(NOAH SIGHS)

What are you walking away for?

What's your problem, drama queen?

My problem is that my best friend Clayton doesn't want to hang out with me any more because he doesn't like me back, and he'd rather hang out with an asshole named Benji Gillespie.

That is my problem!

Okay, well...

You'll make another friend.

No.

No, I won't.

Well, I don't know the inner workings of your friendship, but if he doesn't like you, then screw him.

(HORN BLARING)

All right, train's coming!

Let's go!

If you only knew what it was like Hoping that you see the light And you always put up a fight I get lost within your stare

(INAUDIBLE)

When we breathe the same air I see you everywhere

Oh, if you only knew BLITHE: Whoa.

NOAH: It's like actual China.

Excuse me. Is this Wing's Fish Market?

You must be Noah Griffith. Mr. Karl is expecting you.

Wait here, all right?

So.

Did you get my money? (CLEARS THROAT) Um...

Garv, can I get some chili flakes, please?

(MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADPHONES) Garv, honey.

Look at me. Look at me!

Uh, yes, I have money right here.

Garv? Oh, boy. Here you go. I got it.

Not listening. He's got the headphones on.

I got the cash right here for you. Here you go.

So how do you guys all know each other?

KARL: What the fuck difference does it make?

JULIO: We got a problem. What's the problem?

My man! You got $3,000 here.

You are short $7,000!

Short?

Okay, I have checks.

Are you kidding me? Checks, yes.

Checks! What's the matter with you? (LAUGHING)

Who the fuck is Wendy Sapperstein?

The Sappersteins are loaded, so they're not gonna miss the money at all.

Garv! Please, chili flakes! You don't listen!

So you can sign the check over to yourself.

KARL: I'll count to three.

One. Sign the checks over?

Two. Yeah, sign the checks over to yourself.

Three. Good night.

(GARV CRYING OUT IN PAIN)

Did you hear that?

GARV: (SOBBING) Why'd you do that?

Drop him off at the podiatrist.

Make his mom a mix CD with an apology letter.

(WAILING)

JULIO: I told you, dawg. Now your foot match your asshole.

(SPEAKING CANTONESE)

Hey! Hey, Karl!

Hey, Marisa.

Where you at? I'm at a party!

A party? What?

I'm always down to party.

All right, text me the address. All right, baby.

We're gonna meet you at this party at midnight.

If you don't have my seven grand, Julio's gonna tickle your girlfriend's asshole with a feather.

How'd you get that name "The Feather" again?

Let me tell the story, man. My joint got a little curve to it.

So I go up in there, and it tickles the lady's asshole.

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.

My joint goes in and comes out at the same time you know what I'm saying? Tickle, tickle.

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle. Yeah.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

See, when I'm stoking, I see the head, although I'm in it, my head is popping out.

Still, like that. Like a U-turn.

My joint make a U-turn in that ass.

The Feather is in effect since 1981, son.

My joint be pop-locking in that ass.

It go in your ass and come out your ass, like that.

See what I'm saying?

Come here. Give me a hug.

Give him a fucking hug! Don't be shy.

You're so shy. Come here.

Hug me tight.

It's okay. It's our little secret.

But I want you to think about something.

Garv was my third best friend in the world, and I shot him in the feet for being a bad listener.

You're my eighth best friend in the world, and you stole from me. From my home!

You're gonna meet me at that party at midnight.

And if you don't get my seven grand, let's just say it's gonna be bad.

Real fucking bad!

Now get out of here!

Stop staring at me with those gorgeous eyes.

All right, guys, let's go.

Can we go home?

No, I have to see somebody.

I don't want to see anybody. Let's just go home.

Believe me, Slater, I don't want to see this person, either.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

God damn it.

Hey, Beth?

Noah. What are you doing here?

I am babysitting these children.

Looks like we finally have something in common, right?

I'm not your babysitter any more, Noah.

Oh, you're not. That's right! Because you fucked my dad while he was still married to my mom and ruined my life. I forgot!

Is he home, by the way?

Seven thousand dollars?

Yes.

There is no way in hell I'm giving you seven grand, so...

Dad, you screwed Mom and I out of child support and alimony.

Just do this one thing. We'll call it even. All right?

You know, I have to say, it is always some justification with you.

You are never gonna grow up with that attitude.

Okay, don't do that. Don't do that. Okay?

Don't pretend like you care how I turn out.

Let's be very, very straightforward with one another.

Okay?

Okay.

I'm in a jam. Okay?

That's why I'm here, because I need your help.

And I'm sorry.

I just need you to be my dad for a day. That's it.

And I'm sorry. I can't help you.

You know what, pal? It's not my problem.

I mean, it's really not my problem.

Okay.

Daddy? Can we look at the telescope now?

Oh, hey, buddy.

Of course. Excuse me a second.

I want you to do me a favor.

I want you to go in the kitchen and get a little bite to eat for the two of us. I'll be right in, okay?

That a boy!

There's a geomagnetic storm tonight. I forgot.

I got thrown off.

So... I didn't even know.

Yeah, I have to go.

You smell like perfume. You got a lot of perfume on you.

I know. I know I do.

Why?

Gotcha, bitch.

BLITHE: Shotgun! NOAH: All right, come on, let's go!

Let's roll. Hustle. Rodrigo, feel free to take a piss in it.

BLITHE: Fancy car.

It smells like hotdogs.

Was that woman at the door your babysitter?

She was, till I found out my dad was tipping her extra when he'd drive her home at night.

SLATER: Where are we going?

NOAH: Just got to pick up something from my dad's store real quick.

SLATER: You're breaking in?

Not exactly. (ALARM RINGING)

BLITHE: Shouldn't you tell him about this or something?

SLATER: What's wrong?

I'm typing in the code, and it's not working.

You didn't do it right!

Yes, I did.

I'm doing it right. (ALARM CONTINUES RINGING)

Maybe your dad changed the code.

He didn't change the code.

Okay? The code's my birthday. It's always been my birthday.

He didn't change it.

Maybe it's someone else's birthday.

(ALARM STOPS RINGING)

Sorry, man.

Let me guess what it is.

(BEEPS)

Booyah!

Can I tell you my gossip now?

Oh, shit, yeah. Blithe.

Not now. I think we should go, okay? Let's go. We gotta go.

I saw my daddy kissing his assistant, Debra.

That's why he always stays late at the hospital, 'cause he spends all night kissing Debra.

My mom knows.

She pretends like she doesn't know, but she knows.

That's not gossip, Blithe.

You know that, right?

Well...

Sometimes people do messed-up stuff to each other, okay?

Why?

One time I was walking down the street, I punched my best friend Darius in the nut sack for no reason. Just both fists.

Just double-punched him.

Why would you do that?

I don't know.

You're an idiot.

That's probably true. I am an idiot.

And so is your dad.

Come on.

Hey.

Where's Rodrigo?

He's in the bathroom.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

(OMINOUS COWBOY MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, no.

No, tell me... Tell me you didn't.

(CHUCKLING)

Oh, shit!

Why the hell did you do that, Rodrigo?

BLITHE: Seriously, dude!

You said you didn't have any more cherry bombs!

How many more do you have, huh?

You can't just go around blowing up bathrooms! It's not cool!

Why can't you be more like your brother and sister?

They're at least half crazy. You're full-on nuts!

They are not my brother and sister! They are nothing to me!

They are not my family!

She does nothing all day but paint her face like a puta. She is a puta!

And this one is sick in the head!

He goes to the head doctor four times a week!

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

HEY! Stop acting crazy, okay?

He is the crazy one.

He has this medicine! He loco! He muy loco!

Hey, relax! Shut up!

You shut up with your stupid fanny pack! I take your fanny pack!

No! No! No, I need that!

Stop it! I need that! My pills! No! No!

NOAH: What did you do that for?

SLATER: Pull over! Pull over!

Okay! Okay!

SLATER: Right now! Right now! NOAH: Okay! Okay!

Slater! Where are you going?

What the fuck is your problem, man?

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

NOAH: Slater.

You're not going to find it, all right?

I need those pills, okay? I need them.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do, okay? I have serious issues.

You don't have serious issues.

Yes, I do! Those pills are the only thing that keep me normal, and I need them!

I can't do this any more.

Slater, you're gay, all right?

What the fuck are you talking about?

Nothing. Never mind.

Take that back!

Take it back, Noah!

You're gay. All right?

You're as queer as a football bat, and that's fine.

And if your therapist hasn't clued you into that by now, then you should ask for your money back, pal.

You ever think the reason you're so upset your buddy Clayton doesn't want to hang out any more is because you have a lot of special feelings for him that maybe he doesn't feel back?

It breaks your heart, man.

And that breaks my heart.

'Cause I know what that feels like.

I feel it all the time.

I don't want to be gay! I'm not gay!

Tough.

I don't want to be a faggot!

Hey! Do not say shit like that! Do you understand me?

This is the worst night of my life.

All right, high school is going to suck.

Coming out to your parents, it's not gonna be a picnic, either.

But trust me when I tell you that when you get to college, nobody will care.

And then, when you graduate college, you'll get an awesome job in the entertainment industry.

You'll be super-organized and dress really well, you'll smell good.

Smell good? What are you talking about, Noah?

Relax. Listen to me.

My dad hates me. All right?

I got kicked out of college.

(SIGHING)

Before tonight, this babysitting thing, I've only ever had one job, and I was a lifeguard.

I got fired after four days because I kept falling asleep in the sun.

I'm a constant disappointment to my mom, who's the only decent person in my life.

I've been arrested numerous times.

I had a month-long, intense addiction to Robitussin.

There's only one freak out here.

You're looking at him.

I've never had a gay thought in my life, so what does that tell you?

That tells me you're pretty messed up.

I have seen Devil Wears Prada about 19 times, but that's because it's a good movie.

It's a good flick.

Devil Wears P. You ever seen it? D Wears P?

I think, like, once. I don't really remember it though.

Nothing's wrong with you. You're normal.

Just super gay.

You're a dick.

(LAUGHS) Yes, that's true. Enough of the pills, all right?

Okay.

You know, deep down, I think I always kind of knew.

(SIGHS) But don't tell anybody yet, okay?

I won't. I won't.

What do you think lam, an asshole?

(LAUGHING) Yeah, sort of.

Come on, Ricky Martin, let's get out of here.

SLATER: That's an example.

Hey, Slater, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Hey! That's Mom's car!

NOAH: Are you sure?

(BEEPING)

All right. Let's go! Let's go!

BLITHE: Rodrigo’s jacket must be in there!


(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

BLITHE: This is my kind of club.

SLATER: Let's just go home. NOAH: No.

All right? I have a half-hour to get to this party, pay off Karl, pick my girlfriend up off the floor, get you kids home, and be home in time for my mom to tell me how awesome her night was.

I'm not gonna let some bullshit car thief fuck this up for me.

Hey.

What's happening, my man? How you doing, man?

You know, this ain't no place for no kids.

These aren't kids, these are little people.

This woman's 48 years old.

Her children have children.

Hi. I'm a grandma.

All right.

What's your name, baby?

They call me Soul, Soul Baby.

Soul Baby? Keep it in control, baby.

I hear you, baby.

My name's Noah J-Bird. (CAWS)

Noah J-Bird.

Oh, you like to fly. I fly, baby.

Fly, fly, fly away, baby.

In the clouds, no frowns.

All right, now, that's what I'm talking about.

Tears, no fears, man.

Is that right?

Respect it, don't neglect it.

All right. That's what I'm talking about, baby. My brother.

Treat it, don't beat it, my man. All right, baby.

You're a badass motherfucker.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey. (GROANS)

God, man. What's up, white boy?

I'm here for my minivan. What's up?

(LAUGHS) Get out of here.

What, are you stalking me now? You're stealing my car?

I'm serious. Give me the keys.

Look, homey, we got beef. You understand that?

Just give me the keys.

Step back, homey! This ain't where you belong!

All right, you're going to listen to me, okay?

You're right, I threw up in your grandmother's ashes.

Hell, yeah, you did.

It was an accident.

Fucked up.

I apologize from the bottom of my heart.

I have been stuck babysitting these three kids.

I was talked into buying cocaine for my girlfriend, who I realize is not even my girlfriend.

She's just a girl who occasionally lets me stick my face in her crotch and who's mean to me all the time. Okay? (ALL LAUGH)

And this time, making her happy is probably gonna get me killed.

You're acting all gangster, stealing cars, hanging out with thugs.

Well, you know what?

A few years ago we went to the same lame-ass high school.

The point is, you and I are two fucked-up kids meeting on the playground.

I came here for my motherfucking keys to my motherfucking minivan, and that's what's up!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Is that supposed to be a threat, little man?

I ain't giving you shit.

It's not a threat.

I'm going to put both my hands behind my back, and you get one punch to my face as hard as you want.

I can punch you in the face?

You deserve to punch me in the face.

Go on, baby. Punch him in the face.

(WHISPERS) My face is ready to receive you.

Noah, don't! What?

CROWD: Oh!

TINA: Bitch.

BLITHE: Noah!

I fucking love you right now.

You killed my babysitter!

Noah?

(GROANS) That was bad.

BLITHE: Are you okay? Yeah.

(ALL EXCLAIM IN SURPRISE)

Oh, shit. I'm all right!

I'm okay! (ALL APPLAUDING)

I'm okay!

She won this round, right?

Oh, shit.

She punched my face, but it's cool! It's all good.

Looks like we're even.

Guess you ain't the little pussy you used to be. Huh, Noah?

Nope, I'm a whole different pussy now.

All right, boy. Respect.

Unlock it. What's inside?

Oh, shit, it's a bomb.

Hell, yeah. I feel that.

NOAH: Let that debris fall across your face, girl.

Look here, little homey.

I like your style, you dig?

I appreciate that. Thank you.

You stand up for yours, and I can respect that.

If we ever need a crazy-ass white boy to roll with us one day and get punched in the face by motherfuckers, I'm-a call you.

Know what I mean?

Yeah, man.

Yo, listen. Listen. Let me holler at you for a second.

I just wanna let you know, I just want to throw a monster shout-out back at you, my man.

Monster shout-out back at me, right?

I don't understand what the fuck that is, but it sound good, though.

It's all good, baby. All right, brother.

Peace to you. I fucking love you, dawg.

Noah, are you all right?

(HOARSELY) I feel so cool right now.

(LAUGHING)

This place is cool.

I honestly might start DJ-ing here. I don't know.

Okay, that's all right, but do you really think that this is an appropriate place to bring kids?

I don't know. Look, Rodrigo's over there chatting up some prostitutes.

You got Slater schooling Bell Biv DeVoe over there in pool.

And Blithe's doing the Riverdance over in the bowling alley.

Honestly, this is the first time I've seen them having any kind of fun, so what the hell?

You know what that is?

What is that?

Just me being cool. Playing it cool.

No big deal.

You're crazy.

You're crazy slash beautiful. Whatever.

So, did you drive here?

No, I took a cab.

Maybe you should take my dad's car, because I can't drive both of them anyways.

Are you serious?

Yeah, it'd actually really help me out.

Okay. How are you gonna find me?

Do you have a phone?

Okay. See you.

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

Just kidding.

Here, this is my phone number, and then you can call me.

Okay.

I'll call you.

Hey, uh, why did you say something to me when you saw me earlier? I feel like you kind of ignored me all freshman year.

I don't know. I thought you were really funny and smart and seemed really sweet.

I guess I was kind of nervous to talk to you back then.

You were nervous to talk to me?

Yeah.

(MOBILE RINGING)

My phone's ringing.

Shit, it's my girlfriend. I'm sorry. I have to take this.

Girlfriend. Yeah.

Hello?

All right. See you later.

Call me about the car.

Yeah. Noah.

NOAH: Listen to me You need to leave that party right now.

Noah, this party is breathtaking, so I'm not gonna leave it.

Breathtaking? Marisa, listen to me.

You need to listen to me. You have been jerking me around all night.

And you wanna know what? It's disrespectful and it's lame.

Just, if Karl and Julio show up, stay away from them.

They're dangerous.

They're not dangerous. You're being an idiot.

I'm very close. I'm coming for you, Marisa, okay?

Okay

(SIREN SQUAWKING)

Oh, shit.

I can't decide if this is funny or not.

NOAH: It's not funny at all.

How you doing tonight, my man?

Do you have any idea why I stopped you?

No. You ran a red light and you're not wearing your seat belt.

All right, why don't you step out of the car, pal?

Do me a favor. Put your hands on the trunk.

OFFICER: Easy, cowboy.

What's this?

It's a luchador action figure.

Luchadors, I love these guys.

Look at this.

Frank, what's in there?

What's this, my man?

(SIGHS)

You got a little party in your pocket?

It's not mine, I swear to God.

I'm just holding it for my girlfriend.

I'm just holding it for her.

You're going out with a cokehead?

Bag of fucking actual diamonds here.

Oh. Okay. Jacob the Jeweler. You're tits in a ditch, my man.

Tits in a ditch. Is that good?

Sometimes it's good. Sometimes it's real bad.

What is that? Oh, no shit!

Is that you? That's the fucking bathroom guy!

Mr. Toilet Explosion? That's not me.

I've never actually been the guy on duty to catch the fucking guy in the sketch.

What are they doing to him?

Do me a favor. You got this? Yeah.

You got it? Yeah. I like that.

That's one for your wallet. Check it out! Check it out!

It's great. All right, sir, do me a favor, go stand by your vehicle.

We're going to run your profile. All right?

This is mine. I'm gonna take responsibility...

Sir! Go stand by your vehicle. Please.

Hey, so here's the deal.

I think I'm about to get arrested.

I messed up and I put your lives in danger.

You's got the diamonds?

NOAH: Things just got out of hand so quickly... (BOTH GRUNT)

Let's party!

And I'm really, really sorry.

(ENGINE STARTING)

Whoa. Are they leaving?

Hey! What are you doing? Stop!

Please! I need those diamonds! Come back!

Damn it! (GROANS)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

All right, I'm going to go find my girlfriend.

Marisa!

Marisa!

Stephanie, have you seen Marisa?

I don't know, it's my birthday!

Why are you upside down?

Why aren't you upside down?

Okay.

Take care of yourself.

You're not invited any more.

G-Bert, sorry to interrupt, man.

What's up, Noah?

Have you seen Marisa?

Who's Marisa? She's my girlfriend.

She's like my height, blonde hair.

No, sorry. No.

If I find her, we should all hang out next week or something.

Totally, yeah.

Yeah, great. You have great breasts. Thanks.

Thank you. Later, Noah.

What are you doing? Fuck you.

Why are you such an asshole, Rodrigo?

Ever since you moved in with us, you've been so mean to everybody!

What's wrong with you?

You want to know what's wrong with me?

This is my third family in three years.

When your papas get tired with me, they give me to another families.

That happens every time.

Well, maybe if you didn't do such messed-up stuff then they would actually feel like you wanted to be here.

You don't know me. You look at me like a crazy that live in your house.

That's not true. You never talk to us.

Honestly, you're pretty scary, man.

I no scary. I just like having fun.

Boom, boom, boom. Kaboom.

Hey, guys, I can't find Marisa anywhere. Let's go.

Come on. Where's Blithe?

Blithe, get down from there. We have to go.

These are my friends! Come on, we're having fun.

No. They're not your friends.

They're drunk and they're making fun of you, okay?

You need to get down here right now. What are you doing?

Listen, they're drunk. Let's go.

Come up here!

They just want to dance with me!

They don't want to dance...

Oh! You're here!

Where have you been? This has been the best night ever.

Are those kids? Yeah. They're with me.

I'll explain. We need to get out of here right now.

Did you get the party favors?

I had them and now I don't. I'll explain.

We need to get out of here right now.

I'm serious. It's Ricky.

We don't have time for this.

That is Ricky Fontaine. He is my ex-boyfriend.

I obviously have to go say hi.

Ricky!

NOAH: You're drunk, Marisa.

Hey.

Marisa.

What's up? How are you?

You haven't responded to any of my texts in, like, a really long time.

Yeah. There's a reason for that.

Marisa, I'm sorry. I don't know how else I can say it.

We had a great run, but it's over now, and I wish you the best and I pray for you, I do.

Is everything okay?

Actually, no. Ricky's being kind of a dick.

Why don't you defend me, Noah?

BOTH: What?

Yeah. You're being a real dick!

Defend me! You're being mean!

What are you talking about? I've been nothing but cool to you, man.

Okay. She's drunk.

There's a misunderstanding happening. Why don't we all just relax?

(MOUTHING)

No offense, bro, but who are you?

I'm Noah. We're dating.

MARISA: He's my friend.

We're in a relationship, okay?

Friendship relationship.

Well, good luck with that, bro, 'cause dealing with her is a pretty big nightmare.

I don't envy you.

That is a terrible thing to say to somebody!

What?

Look, you hurt her feelings. Okay? Just be nice.

What are you going to do about it, bro?

What?

What the hell was that?

A throat jab? I don't know. I don't street-fight very often

Shit! (GRUNTS)

I broke my ass!

(WHOOPS) You just got Fontained!

Are you okay, Noah?

Yeah.

Get out of here. I got it. I got this guy.

Right here. Right here.

Noah! (CRYING OUT IN PAIN)

Oh, that's bad! Oh, my back!

What do we do?

Rodrigo! Flying Burrito!

Jesus! My ear!

Did I get him good?

Get off!

Hey. Ricky!

Double punch to the nut sack!

(GROANS)

Come on, Blithe! We gotta get out of here!

Ricky? Are you okay?

Listen, we gotta go right now.

Where's the party? I love parties.

Oh, shit! We gotta go right now! Hey, what's up, party animal?

How you doing? Hey, man...

(GUN FIRES)

Karl! (ALL SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

Come on, come on.

KARL: Who wants to party?

Anybody want to party? Let's party!

Back it up! Back it up!

What's up?

Nobody wanna dance with me!

Let's party!

Come on, you got it. Let's go. You got it.

I can't believe you're making me do this.

Where are the kids? Who cares? Let's just go.

Please, I just want to go home with you.

I just want to get out of here.

What are you talking about? They're my responsibility.

Who cares? I just want to get out of here!

I care.

Hi.

What the fuck? Hey, come on.

RODRIGO: Come here!

Go, go, go, go, go! Move!

How'd you learn to hot-wire a car?

RODRIGO: I know many things.

What is with all these kids?

What is that?

It's Karl's gang.

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

Go! They gonna kill us!

(SCREAMING) MARISA: Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Get off the car!

MARISA: Oh, my God! Is that a man or a woman?

RODRIGO: Go, Noah! Fucking drive, Noah!

Push the gas!

What the hell is going on?

Next time, you use a bazooka instead of a sledgehammer.

What are you, El DeBarge?

Let's go, come on, Jeremy!

What the hell is this? Get out of the way!

Is there anyone in this car who can tell me what the hell is going on here?

Noah, they're coming!

JULIO: Gonna kill yo ass, Noah Griffith!

Coming to get you! Catch up!

Fucking die! You die!

All right, kids, fasten your seat belts!

They're going to kill us!

(KARL AND JULIO SCREAMING)

JULIO: Watch this. Watch this.

(ALL SCREAMING) ls everyone okay?

I'm scared, Noah!

Noah, stall them! I have an idea!

Roll down the window!

I have your money! I just want to be your friend!

Are you serious? You've been really wishy-washy about the whole thing.

No, I know! I've been going through my own personal situation!

It's really scary entering into a new friendship!

I just don't want to deal with a broken heart.

Maybe I don't want to be friends! How's that?

He really wants to be your friend, Karl!

NOAH: It's just I've been burned in the past, bud!

KARL: Seriously? NOAH: Kaboom!

Oh, shit!

(JULIO SCREAMING IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)

(KARL YELLING)

KARL: Shit! Hold the wheel straight!

Wait, wait! (SCREAMING)

JULIO: Oh, shit!

Yes! Nice!

Whoa! Shit! (SCREAMING)

Are you guys Okay?

No. I'm not okay. We just crashed the car.

What just happened?

Wait, so did you get the coke?

Kids, kids, kids. I love kids.

How you doing, Noah Griffith?

Hey, Karl, why you got to be so crazy, man?

Hey, man, I'm crazy.

(WHISPERING) That's a gun.

Marisa, why don't you do me a favor? Take these kids and go home.

I'm going to have an adult conversation with the babysitter.

Look, I know you guys want to stay with me, it's your instinct, but you have to fend for yourself.

KARL: Oh, you're all alone now, huh?

(YELLS)

Hurts, don't it?

Yeah. I got a little boo-boo myself.

You're mean! Noah Griffith!

(FIRES)

(GUN CLICKS)

You got mud in my gun, Noah Griffith!

My 11th best friend gave me this gun!

BLITHE: Marisa, wait! Did you hear that?

No, I didn't hear anything.

It's your very childlike and vivid imagination.

Noah might be hurt!

That's a pistola.

What if he needs us?

He's not in trouble. He's hugging it out with Karl in the minivan.

I just need to get out of here.

Thanks to you guys, my night is ruined!

I was having a really fun night before you showed up! Taxi!

We were supposed to have a fun night, too!

You are the reason that we are even in this situation!

(SOBBING) Okay, fine! I'm a terrible person.

Okay? I admit it, I could be a lot better in this situation, but I'm just feeling really overwhelmed. I don't know what's going on.

I'm stuck with these three kids and I hate kids, and I just don't know what to do!

Marisa? Stop being such a spaz.

Give me your phone. I've got an idea.

Noah Griffith!

Yes! Where you at, babycakes?

Where you at?

I see you, Noah Griffith.

Yes!

Noah Griffith?

Good game!

(WHOOPS) You passed the test! Passed the prank! Passed the car chase.

You're in the club, player!

Surprise!

Stay back! Back up!

Whoa! Okay. Chill out.

Listen to me. I don't have your money.

And I'm going to stop risking my life to get it for you.

Rodrigo took an egg from your house.

It exploded, it's gone, I'm sorry.

What do you think this is, a game?

You don't fuck with a drug dealer. Are you out of your mind?

You owe me money!

I got a call from a little lady said there was some trouble brewing in the park tonight.

Lookit here.

TINA: Oh, shit.

What's going down on the playground? What up, Noah?

What are you guys doing here?

Told you, we'd be around. What y'all up to?

This guy, he's crazy. He's trying to kill me!

He's trying to kill the kids I'm babysitting.

He's nuts! He's out of his mind.

TINA: Who? This stinky bitch? NOAH: Yes.

Let me find out you out here trying to punk on our boy Noah?

Fuck is wrong with you? You don't know who you're messing with.

He's one misunderstood motherfucker.

MAN: Sure you right.

But I got your back now, Noah.

'Cause I found out you got some big-ass balls, man.

Can't buy underwear. Balls don't fit.

TINA: You done messed with the wrong babysitter.

You so sexy when you talk gangsta.

Look here, Noah.

Why don't you take them little kids home?

We gonna handle this situation here.

Thank you, guys, so much. Soul Baby, text you.

Make love to the night, motherfucker.

Noah Griffith! Where are you going? I'm not done with you!

You think your friends are gonna bail you out of this?

Listen, I'm in a real bad mood.

I don't want to hurt you motherfuckers.

(TINA LAUGHING) What's up, candy man?

We're gonna get up in it, boy.

Put a quarter in my butt. Let's get this fight farted. Let's go.

Motherfuckers!

KARL: Ahh! My nuts!

(SQUEALING)

(SCREAMS) Taxi!

I need a cab, man!

Hey, man, your nuts are on fire!

I know my nuts are on fire!

That's how your mama like it!

BLITHE: Noah! MARISA: Are you okay?

Yeah, it's too crazy to explain. We gotta go!

What happened?

SLATER: Was that a real gun?

(SOMETIMES PLAYING)

Let me tell you about my day It's such a very long day It started around 7:00 And I can hear her pray As I walk through the yard I could feel your presence Giving me the time of my life And showering me with life lessons Now I know what they mean When they said keep your head to the sky Don't be too quick to fit in And don't feel you have to try This road is strange, so strange it is You know it really hurts inside Yeah, sometimes

We're here.

We're here.

You must think I'm such a bitch.

You shouldn't waste your feelings on people who don't value them.

You're right.

I haven't been cool to you.

I know.

You haven't. And I'm over it, too.

Take care of yourself, Marisa. All right?

BLITHE: Your girlfriend sucks.

Yes, she does.

Indeed she does.

Blithe, I want to show you something.

Just because you try and look more grown up, or try and act like a celebrity, or a famous person or whatever, it's not gonna get you more friends.

You're a kid.

And a pretty great one.

Wipe that shit off your face.

You look insane, okay?

Okay.

You know what "blithe" means?

What?

It means "joyous."

SLATER: You know what "late" means?

What? "Late", As in fucked, as in we were all supposed to be in bed by 1:00 and it's already 10 after.

Son of a bitch!

All right, looks like we beat them home. Let's go inside. Hustle.

(FAST MUSIC PLAYING)

Rodrigo!

Rodrigo!

Hey! You guys see Rodrigo?

Hola, Rodrigo!

Rodrigo! Rodrigo!

Whoa. Weird.

That's the most messed up thing we've seen all night.

Noah, they're here!

Okay! Everyone on the couch! Let's go.

Let's go! Get on the couch. Come on!

The MMA world is abuzz tonight with the news of a brutal out-of-the-ring assault on local hero and pro kickboxing legend Ricky Fontaine.

Witnesses at the Brooklyn house party where the assault took place described his attacker as a young man, accompanied by three small children.

(LAUGHS) Oh, my God. In another story, two small New York businesses experienced bizarre bathroom explosions.

Hello.

Hey, guys!

Hi. What?

Hey! Welcome back!

What's going on? It's after 1:00 in the morning.

These kids should be in bed already, Noah.

Mom, it's not his fault.

Yeah. We told him our bedtime was 1:30.

I turned the clock back. So sorry. My deepest apologies.

NOAH: You darn kids!

Played a trick on me, these little rascals.

I'm not buying it.

Everybody, upstairs. Bed! Now.

Go brush your teeth.

BLITHE: Sorry, Mom.

(SIGHS) And say good night to Noah.

Maybe he'll be nice enough to come back and babysit again.

KIDS: Night, Noah.

Night, guys.

And Peter has your money, okay?

Cool, thanks.

Oh, Noah!

Your mom told me to tell you not to wait up for her.

She and that guy that I set her up with, Dr. Stevens, went out to have a nightcap.

Let me tell you, I think she was having a really good time.

Thanks for hooking that up.

Thanks for babysitting.

See you next time.

I trust the kids weren't too much trouble.

You got three great ones.

Hey...

(SIGHING) You want a recommendation?

Here's my advice.

Get your shit together.

You're right.

Maybe I do have some stuff I need to work on.

But the last person on Earth I need to take advice from is you, sir.

Excuse me?

You're banging your assistant, Debra, and you're going to stop.

Do you understand me?

I would be very careful how you talk to me.

You'd better be very careful how you talk to me.

Because I'm going to be at home with nothing going on.

And I'm going to have one eye on my three friends up there and the other eye right on you.

I just want you to get your act together, Doc.

(SOFTLY) Fucking...

One more thing. Your wife's smoking hot.

You need to get rid of Debra and focus on tapping that ass.

And there may be a scratch or two on your minivan!

(CAR HONKING)

Hey, stranger!

Need a ride?

Hey, Roxanne. What's up? Hey.

How'd you find me?

Oh, this little gizmo kept beeping, so I followed it to find you.

Which is a little creepy now that I think about it.

That's okay. Thank you for stalking me.

(BOTH CHUCKLING) (MOBILE RINGING)

Shit.

Oh. Let me guess. Your girlfriend again?

No.

We broke up.

Oh. And you're just fine? You seem fine.

Yeah, no, I'm great.

She's in hysterics, but she'll be cool, eventually. She'll move on.

Listen, I'm a free bird. I got to fly. (CAWS)

Right.

I don't know why I said that. (LAUGHS)

(MOBILE RINGING)

Do you need to get that?

It's my dad, actually.

I think I'm gonna let this one go to voice mail.

Great.

I have an idea. Why don't we ditch the car?

It's a nice night for a walk.

Okay. Sure.

Cool.

Looks like you had a rough night.

Yeah.

But like a wise man once told me, "Make love to the night, motherfucker."

"Make love to the night."

(ROXANNE LAUGHING)

Have you ever met a girl that you tried to date But a year, to make love, she wanted you to wait Let me tell ya a story of my situation I was talkin' to this girl from the U. S. nation The way that I met her was on tour at a concert She had really long hair and a short miniskirt I just got onstage drippin', pourin' with sweat I was walkin' through the crowd and guess who I met I whispered in her ear, come to the picture booth So I can ask you some questions to see if you are a hundred proof I asked her her name, she said blah-blah-blah She had 9/10 pants and a very big bra I took a couple of flicks and she was enthused I said, how do you like the show?

She said, I was very amused I started throwin' bass, she started throwin' back mid-range But when I sprung the question, she acted kind of strange

'Cause when I asked, Do you have a man? She tried to pretend She said, no, I don't I only have a friend You must be buggin'

This is what I'm gonna sing You, you got what I need But you say he's just a friend And you say he's just a friend Oh, baby You got what I need But you say he's just a friend But you say he's just a friend Oh, baby You got what I need But you say he's just a friend So please listen to the message that I say Don't ever talk to a girl who says she just has a friend Has a friend

Yeah Premier and Slick Rick, kid Jonah Hill Yeah, kid, check it out Good gosh The world's so bad It's trying to drive me, a sane man, mad Great gosh I need some bad

'Bout to drive me, a sane man, mad Are you peeping this floozy Or queens, excuse me Can't believe how many times I had to eat the chick's sushi Who she?

Look at how a brother gotta roll All cold, kid Anyway truth being told Fit boy too big Which one you pick Rico suave or chick one, two kid Once I was born in this thick Why I gotta deal with this horniness tip This, not enough flair This, lack a lot wares Got her holding my tears Trying to act like who cares Reaching, if I say I see kids in the mix Wanna cuddle Go out something, Trick with the chick You know what I'm saying, kid

'Cause it's so bad, trying to drive me, a sane man, mad I need some bad 'Bout to drive me, a sane man, mad Good gosh the world's so bad It's trying to drive me, a sane man, mad Great gosh I need some bad

'Bout to drive me, a sane man, mad I want you, munch too, comes to hun, how long do Ma duke caught the kid masturbating once too Passed, looked stunned, kept on like Don't you have a steady piece to smash yet, son?

What to do, Mom, none touching dude's joint Like to see me out here buying some prostitute's bum?

No?

Picking up scroin, cop pursuing From the stripper club hair doing Then laughed and none but wise after Soul mate, more than sex, a live partner Snatch can't get, cat frantic So, in the meantime stripper club, lap dance tip A professional press box arouser Some condoms so I don't mess up me trousers Then start paying, mark swaying Girlfriend just sit down and start playing Here's an extra, parading the wealth Don't want a real kid feel like I'm degrading myself Bouncing on me funny, bouncing with my money Or it's back to playing cat and mouse games with the honey You know what I mean, kid Caught a script so bad, trying to drive me, a sane man, mad Say what, Slick Rick I need some bad 'Bout to drive me, a sane man, mad Good gosh the world's so bad Trying to drive me, a sane man, mad Jonah Hill, kid Good gosh, need some bad, About to drive me, a sane man...

I need some bad

I need some bad I need some bad I need some bad

I need some bad

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