The Square Peg (1958) Script

(Drill sergeant) Eyes right! Quick march!

You're in the army now Trying it out!

Left! Left! l had a good job that l left! l was a tailor, a tailor of repute Did they make me a tailor? Not on your Sunday suit!

A frying fish, a stewing meat A treacle pudding is a treat Do we have lover-ly grub to eat, sir?

Not on your ruddy life!

l was a cook, sir, a chef at the Savoy Did they make me a cook, sir? Not on your saveloy!

I'm on ablutions all the time, up to my neck in grease and grime They call me Samuel Number 9, sir!

Oh, it's a ruddy life

l was a valet, l dressed the very best Did they make me a batman? Not on your battledress!

Carrying Wrens and hand grenades, out on all commando raids l get it more at paper rates, sir!

Not on your ruddy life!


Come along, Pitkin. Jump to it.

Jump to it. Now, then.

Yes, here's the camp, so we start our excavations...

Sorry, Mr. Grimsdale. ..there. ls that clear?

Yes.

Chalk! Chalk!

Thank you.

We'll mark the end of the area there.

Yes, that'll do.

There should be enough traffic space.

Well, let's measure it then.

Over there, Pitkin.

Sound the horn, driver. (Horn blares)

Look lively. Brass hat from the War Office.

Just check that again, Pitkin. 14 feet, one and half inches.

Sir! What's this confounded blockade?

Borough surveyors, sir. Don't they know there's a war on?

Order them to let us through. Sir!

Really! These civilians are impossible.

Stop all that and let him through.

Who's ''him'', may l ask? The General!

Inform the General that we are engaged on work of national importance.

When we have completed our calculations he may pass.

And not until then, either, eh, Mr. Grimsdale? l think we'll measure it again, Pitkin. Yes, Mr. Grimsdale!

He says it's work of national importance and that you'll have to wait, sir.

''National importance''?! What does he think we're doing?

With or without kerbstone? With, please.

15 feet, eight and a half inches.

Drive on! Look out for the little man.

(Horn blares)

Hey! Hey! What are you doing? Hey!

Ain't it marvellous? Just like the army.

Give 'em an inch, they take a mile!

Oh...they have done!

(General) Stop the car. Sentry!

Sentry!

Don't you want to see my pass? That's all right, sir.

Call this security? Well, sir... l could be enemy intelligence. It's easy to see you're not, sir.

You're on a charge! Carry on, driver.

Get me the Colonel!

(Telephone)

Yes? The General's here?

Here?! Now?! Right.

G-General Hampton.

Morning, sir. Morning.

Layton, find accommodation for this officer.

Pleasure, sir. ls she to be on my staff?

No. She will take orders direct from HQ.

For your ears alone, she is shortly to be parachuted into France.

Report to me at the town hall by 5pm and let me know your progress.

Don't let these people interfere with your work - you can handle them.

All right, Mr. Grimsdale.

Now what is it? That civilian again.

Shall l deal with it? No. Leave this to me.

You. Me?

Yes, you. What are you doing? Making tea. Want a cup?


Now, now, now! This is gonna be reported to Mr. Grimsdale, who will be informing the Mayor, l can assure you.

Allow me, sir.

All right, out of the way, you.

Bighead!

No, no! You mustn't move council property.

No! Don't! Oi!

That's done it. l warned your guv'nor, Iím going to the town hall!

Mr. Grimsdale! Mr. Grimsdale!

They threw council property over the hedge?

They did indeed. l shudder to think what the Mayor is going to say about this.

Get me the Mayor, please.

Oh, well, let me know when he's free.

Well, how did we get on today?

Itís a double subsidence due to sandy soil.

We shall have to dig the lot up.

How long do you think that will take? l could knock it off in a couple of months but I'll need help.

Iíll do what l can but the army keeps calling up my best men.

Potty.

They don't realize that any fool can carry a rifle but how many recognize a double subsidence of sandy soil?

That's just it, Mr. Grimsdale. We're in a class of our own.

We are that. We're keeping open the arteries of the nation. lf we can do that, victory will be ours.

''Keeping open the arteries of the nation''. l shall want a new stop sign, please, Mr. Grimsdale.


Now listen, you lot. You're not only in the army, you're in the Pioneer corps.

That doesn't mean just diggin' holes.

You've got to learn to march, drill, fight, close combat, bayonets. The lot!

Quick march!

Aye, swing your arms now.

(Sergeant) Left, right! Left, right!

(Sergeant) Swing your arms now!

Halt!

Quick march!

Halt!

Shoulder arms!

Ground arms! About turn!

Take up arms and...

(Laughing) ..quick march!

(Laughs)

(Sergeant) Reverse arms!

About turn!

Left, right!

Left, left, right, right! Left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left!

(Laughs) Left, left, left!

About turn!

(Sergeant) Left, right, left, right! Regular slow time. Slow march!

Quick march!

Slow! Slow! Quick! Quick!

Slow! Slow! Slow!

(Sergeant) Quick! Quick! Slow! Slow! Slow!

(Sergeant) Quick! Quick! Slow!

(Sergeant) Quick march! About turn!

Left, right! All right, get your knees up. Yeah, go on, right up!

Higher. Higher! Higher!

Dismissed for tea!

Wait till l get back! Wait a minute!

Go on!

Sergeant Loder!

What's going on? He's interfering with training, sir.

What's he supposed to be doing? Excavating the road, sir.

Yes, l know that. Oh, bring him in for questioning.

Sir!

Left, right!

(Horn blares)

Hey! Out, out! You're trespassing on council property.

What do you want? You, sonny boy.

You're coming with me. What for?

You'll find out. No, no, l don't want to. No!

Get your hands off me! No need for all this nonsense.

Iíll give you ''break for tea''. l should report this to Mr. Grimsdale.

You're going to be in trouble, you know?

Aye, come on. Look sharp now.

'Ere, what about us?

Get into step! Nothing to do with me.

(Knock on door) Come in!

Prisoner, sir!

Come here. You! Fellow! Come here!

Now, what is all this about? My time's very valuable.

You were hampering the w-war effort. What's your occupation?

Well Iím a road... Iím ''keeping open the arteries of the nation''.

What is your n-name? Pitkin.

Hmph. Who can vouch for you?

Mr. Grimsdale, of course. Who is he?

Who's Mr...

You're joking. No, Iím n-not.

Ring up the town hall, you'll find out. Go on!

(Bell rings) The Colonel wants me.

Get off my desk! And don't try to escape.

lf you've someone to vouch for you, there's no need to worry, Mr. Pippin.

Thanks awfully, but the name is Pitkin.

Oh.

Ring up the town hall and even if Pitkin is who he says he is, let him cool his heels for an hour or so.

Very good, sir.

What's the number of the town hall?

Huh! l should think so. Eight, three, three.

Eight, three, three, please.

Who did you say? Mr. Grimsdale.

And you want to be polite to him too.

Town hall? l want to speak to someone called Grimsdale.

Cor!

(Telephone)

Borough engineer speaking.

That's right.

Who? Pitkin? Well, of course l know him.

You had the audacity to interfere with one of my men?

Don't you know there's a war on?

You don't s-say so?

Well, he seems to know who you are, all right.

Iím, er, putting Pitkin onto you.

Hello, Mr. Grimsdale! l told 'em they were interfering with work of national importance.

Just 'cos they're in uniform they think they're better than us civilians.

Well, one's sort of an officer, the other one's one of them know-all sergeants.

Well, the only person who's been polite to me is a very pretty lady officer.

Goodbye, Mr. Grimsdale.

He says if l have any more trouble he'll report you to the Mayor.

What is it? Car for Junior Commander Cartland.

Thank you. You! Pitkin! Wait a minute.

You're too late to apologize. Ap-p-pologise? To you?

Let this be a lesson. Fortunately for you Mr. Grimsdale is not the vindictive type.

T-Take him away! Take him away?

What are you doing? l can go on my own!

After that it was easy. This'll be her now.

Junior Commander Cartland, sir.

Hello. Morning, sir.

Henri, this is Miss Cartland.

Enchante. How do you do?

Henri is the leader of the Resistance in Fleury. ls that where Iím...? Yes.

You will be there in about three weeks.

He's here for a few hours only. He wanted to meet you.

It was essential. Of course.

Now, time is short. You have half an hour.

Now to business. ln France you will be known as Marie Villemour.

Marie Villemour? You will work in a bar in Fleury.

It will be dangerous. Fleury is the headquarters of General Otto Schreiber.

His way of dealing with a spy can be painfully persuasive.

(Groaning and grunting)

Let me go!

Ohhh.

Let me out!

(Muffled) Let me out!

Let me out!


All right, Hawkins. Iíll fix that.

(Wheezes)

Would you like to come to the ball with me tonight?

(Effeminate) Oh, how l wish l could. Well, why can't you?

Well, Iím only a private.

What would a sergeant want with a private?

Oh! Saucy tinker!

Fancy dress.

Fancy that.

You could go as Lady Godiva.

Oh, no. Why not?

I've just had my hair cut.

That wouldn't matter.

How dare you? Oh, now, don't be angry, Iím not the kind of man you think l am.

Oh. Well, that's good, cos Iím not the sort of girl you think l am either.

Well, er, see you at half past seven then.

Bye-bye.

Get that man!

Duck down, you fools!

Oh! Ahh!

He threw your spade over the hedge? Unbelievable, innit?

Itís outrageous.

Right, Pitkin, Iíll deal with this, don't you worry.

Get me the Mayor.

All right. Well, get me the commanding officer at Battersby Camp. Yes.

The army thinks too much of itself. Just because it fights a bit.

They don't realize that the war is being won on the home front by men like us.

(Telephone)

Colonel Layton, this is Grimsdale.

Grimsdale! Borough engineer, St Godric's Borough Council.

Itís those road menders again. They're a blasted nuisance.

Can't something be done about them?

Look here, Grimsdale, Iím not going to be dictated to by a civilian penpusher!

Cor!

Iíll see it the Mayor has the commanding officer cashiered.

As for that Sergeant, Iíll have him stripped.

That means reduced to the ranks, Pitkin.

Don't you talk to me like that, Layton. lf there's any repetition of this disgraceful conduct, Iíll take the matter up with the Mayor.

The Mayor can what?!

Something must be done, Wharton.

Itís d-difficult to deal with civilians, sir.

Why are they civilians? Hmm, yes.

Exactly, sir! Arrange to have them called up.

Once we've g-got 'em in uniform...

War Office.

Mr. Grimsdale! Pitkin, why aren't you at work?

Iíve been called up! Nonsense.

Itís not fair. Here am l doing work of national importance and l gotta go square-bashing.

Calm yourself. There's no need to panic, there must be some mistake. l have the Mayor's word that no more of my men will be called to the colours.

''OHMS'' - exactly the same!

Itís probably from the War Office, apologizing for that incident.

Oh, mmm.

Give me the Mayor.

Thank you.

One moment.

Now, gentlemen, before we enter, l want you to know that l have the Mayor's word that we shall all be back in civilian life within two weeks.

(Mr. Grimsdale) His worship told me himself.

(Man 1 ) Pleased to hear it. (Man 2) Nice to know.

Ah! Good afternoon.

Mr. Pitkin, isn't it? Welcome to Battersby Camp, delighted to have you with us.

Won't you introduce me to your friends?

This is Mr. Grimsdale. How do you do?

Afternoon, Sergeant.

This is Mr. Fred Ferndale.

How do you do? Sergeant.

Mr. Harry Hoylake. How do you do?

Mr. George White. How do you do?

And this, of course, is Mr. Charles Fenton-Hopkins.

How do you do?

Will you come this way, please, gentlemen?

Itís not going to be as bad as we expected.

No, and no doubt they realize that we're a cut above the normal intake.

After you, gentlemen. Thank you.

(Lock clunks)

(Sergeant) Now, then, you miserable shower! You moth-eaten nancies!

You're in the army now...!

(Voice distorts and fades)

(Door opens)

Staff up!

Right, first man.

Undo your jacket.

Undo your jacket and take your shirt off. l don't want to take me shirt off!

Take your shirt off!

Oh, dear. Dear, oh, dear. Hmm.

What's the matter? Anything wrong? What?

Anything wrong? l can't hear you.

ANYTHING WRONG?!

Now what? Cold.

Oh, don't be such a baby!

Breathe in.

Out. ln.

Out. ln.

Out. ln. ln. Not out yet.

Breathe out then. Iím out now, Iíve got to get in to get out.

Do as l tell you. Breathe in.

Now out. ln.

Out. Out.

Out. Out. Out.

Out. Out.

Out. Ou...

What's the matter? Take a breath in!

Will you breathe in? Will you take a breath?!

Aeeee...aoooo.

Aeeerrrr. (Pants)

Ooh, l was nearly a goner then.

Right, mark him down A-1 .

TAB, please, Corporal.

Thank you.

(Groans)

(Thud)

What's the matter? Mr. Grimsdale.

Here, hold this. Sergeant, loosen his tie.

Lift him on the bed.

(Yells)

Pitkin, you shouldn't have done that.

Hello, Pitkin. What punishment did they give you?

Too embarrassing to tell, Mr. Grimsdale.

(Mr. Grimsdale) Ooh, my boots are killing me, Pitkin!

Move on, you two!

Itís all very well for you young chaps but if l get crippled for life the Mayor's going to have something to say.

You m-men there. Don't you salute officers?

We don't know any yet. You salute every holder of the King's Commission, m-male or female and you do it smartly.

Longest way up, sh-shortest way down.

Now let's see you do it.

Ow!

Thank you.

F-Fancy that.

Ridiculous nonsense.

Fat lot of work we'd get done if you saluted me all day!

The crowning humiliation is we have to salute a woman!

Don't you agree, Pitkin?

Mr. Grimsdale! She saluted me! l think Iíll have another one!

Iíll take over now, Bill. Thank you.

Haven't l seen you somewhere before?

Yes, miss. Last time we met l was in civvy street, remember?

No, Iím afraid l don't. l was the road mender, you got it now? Oh, yes, of course, Mr. Prakin.

Pitkin.

How are you enjoying army life? Enjoy square-bashing? l was the pride of the borough, now Iím just a Pioneer.

Sir Frances Drake was a pioneer too, you know.

Was he?

That's right, cheer up. Iím sure we'll both get a chance to do our bit later on.

Hope so.

Pitkin.

Don't you know you salute the King's Commission on all occasions?

Well, it's come through at last.

You're to proceed at once to RAF Tangmere.

You'll travel to London by train as if going on 48 hours' leave. l shall be glad to be doing something. Yes.

Pitkin? Run over to the MT section. Tell them to ready a car in f-five minutes.

Itís for Junior Commander C-Cartland, take her to the station.

Yes, sir.

Amazing, ain't it? What is it?

Captain Wharton wants a car at the officers' mess.

Johnny? Not me! l want me money back.

Me too! Do me a favour!

Look, someone's got to do it. Oh, come on!

Can you play solo? No... but l can drive a car.

All right. Take the Hillman, and bring it back in one piece, eh?

Thank you, Corporal!

(Tyres squeal)

(Posh accent) Spot of leave in London? Pardon? l was inquiring whether or not you were taking leave in London.

I'd rather not talk, l have a lot to think about.

(Horn blares)

Road hog! Look where you're going!

Here we are, miss.

Why don't you look where you're going? Lunatic!

Iíll carry that. Thanks all the same, Private...?

Pit-kin. Yes, of course. Goodbye.

Coming back tonight, miss? Yes, l expect so.

Here! Iíll wait for you then! Ma'am.

Hello!

You been here all night?

She didn't come back then? Who?

Ah, don't matter. What's the time? Six o'clock.

No! They'll think Iíve deserted!

(Sergeant) Now, these dummies are the enemy, see?

Rifle.

Now, then.

You take up the en garde position, like this.

On the command ''charge'', you advance, at the double.

Stick the bayonet in their stomachs like this. And twist 'em.

Then you tear out their innards like this. l want to see 'em all over the ground, so come on you happy Pioneers...

(Groans) ..let's see what you can do!

All right, leave him alone, Pitkin. Now, then.

First three, ready.

En garde!

Charge!

Well, twist 'em! Let's see buckets of blood!

(Sergeant) Let's swim in it! (Groans)

What's the matter? Feeling sick? Want to join your friend?

No, Sergeant. Sir Frances Drake could have done it, so l can.

Sir Frances Dra...? Ah.

Suppose you give us a demonstration, Pitkin.

Let's see what a killer you are.

Show us how Sir Frances Drake would have done it.

Get ready to charge.

Contort your face.

Well, go on, contort it.

You're still good-looking. Contort it!

Lovely. Charge!

(Snarling)

No! Not at me, you fool! Them!

No, no, no, not them! The dummy!

(Shouts, yelps and snarls)

Oh!

The sooner we get Pitkin to France, the better.

Five minutes for your last drink in Blighty, and remember - no careless talk. Move!

(Piano playing)

(Lively chatter)

Pint of beer and a lemonade, please.

Ain't you gonna have a beer, Mr. Grimsdale?

Two beers then.

Wonder where we're going. Only the commander in chief knows.

Well, l know. You're going to Boville.

C'mon, lads! Let's have you!

Don't give you much time, do they? There's a war on, Pitkin. l said, let's have ya! Now, come on.

Come on, Pitkin.

Pitkin! Grimsdale!

Would you believe it? The wrong lorry!

Straight through, it's round to the left. Round to the left!

Heavens! Looks as if we're going by air.

So we are! Iíve never been up before.

No, neither have l. We're both in the same boat then.

(Laughs) Boat! Oh, get off.

Give me a hand, Pitkin.

Not for me.

No, thanks.

No.

No, thank you.

l must say, Mr. Grimsdale, they're being exceptionally nice to us.

That bloke's got no nerves at all. (Sighs)

Cor! Chicken!

Yeah! This is luxury, ain't it? Iím glad l came now. l wouldn't have missed this for anything on earth.

On earth.

How long do you think we're gonna be? About two hours l should say, Pitkin.

Well, in that case l shall definitely have a kip.

Iíll have that for my breakfast, eh?


Good luck, chaps!

(Screams) Look out! Look out!

Man overboard! Man overboard!

Man overboard! Stop the plane! Stop it!

Iíll tell you what - dive down and head him off. Go on!

They're all falling out! Get away from that door! Get away from it.

Careful, careful! Hold on to my hand.

Go on, hold it! Hold on to it!

Hold it! Don't go!

You murderer!

Iíll see you get hung for this!

Worst example of cowardice Iíve ever seen.

You're a disgrace to Tenth Airborne.

We're not Airborne, we're Pioneer corps!

Pioneer corps? There must be some terrible mistake.

We're supposed to be going to Boville.

Boville, eh?

Iíll see the skipper about you two.

Well, you're in luck. The skipper says this is Boville now.

Ah, good. We're here, Mr. Grimsdale.

Do you want us to pay for the petrol? Oh, no!

That was a nice, smooth landing.

Very grateful for your hospitality.

Should you ever pass our unit, do drop in.

Good morning. Good morning.

Ah! Mr. Gri... You have no consideration...

(Screams)

Mr. Grimsdale!

Coming, Pitkin, coming!

Get out of my way, Pitkin!

You all right, Mr. Grimsdale? l think so, Pitkin.

Much nicer than l thought, ain't it? (Groans)

Oh, wonderful! Wonderful!

Ah, it's really lovely up here!

(Yelps)

Mr. Grimsdale! Mr. Grimsdale!

Now stop playing the fool, Pitkin!

Mr. Grimsdale!

Thank you, Mr. Grimsdale.

Get your... Oh!

Aah! Aahh!

Pitkin! You're on my foot!

Pitkin! Get off my foot, will you? l daren't, Mr. Grimsdale!

Aah! Oooh!

Argh!

Ooh!

Boville! We're here Mr. Grimsdale. And two days ahead of schedule!

Pitkin, we've landed in France!

France!

What's tha doing?

(Distant explosions)

Afternoon, Ford. Afternoon, sir.

How are the road repairs? Pressing forward, sir.

Trouble is, some units are down to two men, sir.

Oh. Keeping in constant touch? Rather.

Take this map, sir. Choose any flag you like and l can call them up in seconds.

Well, now. How about that one? They seem to be nearest the enemy.

Flag 27.

Codename Balaclava. Must keep the enemy guessing, sir.

Good.

Hello, Balaclava. Hello, Balaclava. Agincourt calling Balaclava.

'Can you hear me? Roger.'

Hello, Agincourt, Balaclava here. But it's not Roger, it's Norman.

How are you progressing? l dunno. l think we're... Better let me handle this, Pitkin.

We're progressing here splendidly.

We've repaired the three roads according to instructions, have moved forward on our initiative, and are doing more very necessary work here.

Well done, Balaclava.

Two of our best, sir. Keen as mustard.

Came by parachute. Splendid.

Hello, Balaclava. What is your position?

A map, Pitkin, if you please.

Balaclava position sheet 36, square B, zero six three, four four two.

(Whispers) Over. Oh. Over.

Thank you, Balaclava. Roger.

Can't l have two lumps? Unfortunately there were only three left.

Can l borrow the spoon to stir my one?

Perhaps you should go down to a village and buy some sugar.

Oh, er, parlez-vous francais, Pitkin? Un pew.

Oh, good. It looks like one down there by that chateau.

You might see if you can get some eggs at the same time.

That's funny. According to these coordinates Balaclava's four miles inside enemy territory.

May be bad map-readers. Better check.

Yes, sir.

Hello, Balaclava? Hello, Balaclava?

'Hello, Balaclava.

'Agincourt calling Balaclava. Can you hear me?'

Agincourt to Balaclava, confirm your position.

Zero six three, double four two.

Are you absolutely certain?

That makes you one mile from Fleury. Four miles inside enemy territory.

Itís not like me to make a mistake, Agincourt.

'Can you see a chateau on the hill, Balaclava?'

Yes, Agincourt, l can.

You'd better pack your equipment and retreat south. Immediately.

'Repeat, immediately.'

Yes, Sir Roger. l mean yes. Roger, sir.


Es lebet hoch.

Herr General?


Bonjour, monsieur. Erm...

Vous desirez? Un beer, please.

Miss Cartland! Cor!

How did you get here?

Pardon? Je ne comprends pas, monsieur.

Don't you remember me? You know, the road mender.

Qu'est-ce que vous dites? Un ''road mender''?

Jamais. Never 'ave l known a road mender.

Oh. So you're not Miss Cartland then?

Non. Je m'appelle Marie Villemour.

Sorry. Only l used to know a girl once, just like you.

l didn't exactly know her. l couldn't really, she being what she was and me being what l am.

Comme c'est triste.

Very sad. Oh.

Elle est jolie? ''Jolie''?

Oh, jolly. (Laughs)

Not exactly, no. She was ever so pretty though. l fell in love with her the first time l saw her.

So? She didn't know that l existed.

Couldn't even remember my name.

Perhaps she was in love with someone else?

You know, even your voice sounds like hers.

Bon. Vous vouliez une biere, monsieur.

Oui.

Garcon! Un bock et demi.

Un bock et demi, voila, voila, monsieur.

(Lorry approaching)

Allez, bon. Au revoir, monsieur, dame, merci.


Bonjour, monsieur le General! Bonjour!

Bonjour. Ooh! What are you doing?

(Whispers) That way, over there. Quick. Quick.

But, no...

Henri.

Regardez, look! We have Schreiber.

(Miss Cartland) That's not Schreiber. Not the General?

He's an English soldier, Private Popkin.

Pitkin. Oh, yes. Pitkin.

You are Miss Cartland! Yes but forget it. l am Marie Villemour. l told you... Well, what l said upstairs, Iíd never dared if Iíd known.

Never mind. Why are you behind enemy lines?

Behind? Just mending the road with a friend of mine.

Iíve seen him. He's been taken prisoner.

No. Mr. Grimsdale, taken prisoner?

Iím afraid so.

Seems l made a mistake about him. Very understandable.

(Man, outside) lm Gleichschritt marsch!

The prisoner is outside, Herr General.

Gut.

Bringt den Gefangenen rein.

What are you doing here dressed like that, Pitkin?

Was? Itís very ingenious, l must say.

You're a credit to the borough.

Was ist you say?! Pigdog?!

Nothing. Iím very sorry. Nothing at all.

Ah, so, you are making joke.

Who are you?

My name is Wilfred Grimsdale. Rank, private. Number 1 78072.

Beyond that l refuse to give any further information. lf you are a soldier, where is your uniform?

Ein.

You are a spy! And we have a method for making spies talk!

Iíll never talk.

Zis is your last word? It is.

So.

Shoot him.

No, wait, wait, wait! Just a moment. l, erm... (Clears throat)

You wish to say something?

On second thought, sir, Iíd like to talk.

Das ist gut.

What were you doing in ze road? Patching it, sir.

Patching. Yes, sir. Digging.

Digging.

Ah, digging! So, you were trying to get into my headquarters.

Oh, no, sir. We were just repairing a slight subsidence due to sandy soil.

Ah. ''We''. Yes, me and Pitkin.

Pitkin? Another spy!

No, sir, Iím not a spy. Really Iím not.

Lying hund! You are Henri Le Blanc, leader of ze French Resistance. l know all about you und your workers. Iím not Le Blanc! Iím Mr. Grimsdale!

Silence! l will decide who you are und what you do. l will decide!

Where is this Pitkin?

He went shopping, sir. Shopping?

Shopping! He went spying, you mean!

Throw zis miserable worm into ze old dungeon.

Ah, Schmidt! We have captured Henri Le Blanc.

Herr General, Iím surprised to see you here.

Of course l am here! l have seen something very strange in ze cafe.

Ze cafe? What have you seen, huh?

You are a danger to us, l will get you to a safe hideout.

Hurry, Jean. Allez, depeche-toi, mon vieux.

Ca va. Bon, on y va.

To the cafe!

Come quickly. Au revoir, Marie. Au revoir, Henri. Good luck, Pitkin.

You got it right! Bonne chance.

(Shouting)

They've got her! Don't be a fool!

(Shouting)

What'll they do to her? Take them to the chateau, keep them 24 hours for questioning, and then...who knows?

(Truck passing noisily)

Why can't we rescue them? Itís not possible. l know the chateau well but how can we get in?

Over the wall. Impossible. Itís electrified.

Under it then. It would take too long. l work on the borough council! You wanna see me dig!

(Drill sergeant shouting orders)

So far so good. Where's Pierre?

He's coming now.

Was ist los? What are you doing here?

C'est tres serieux, there is a dangerous subsidence of soil.

Monsieur le Maire is very worried.

Impossible.

What's the matter with him? He's very temperamental.

Itís imperative this road be repair. He thinks you don't want him to dig.

Well... Help me, please.

Just one little word from you. Oh, all right.

(Whimpers and sobs)

You are a nice boy. You dig that hole, huh?

(Wails childishly)

You dig that hole!


No, better to cover the hole with leaves and branches, we may need to make a quick escape.

The balcony leads into the General's quarters.

We must steal the dungeon keys. l will go first. lf the coast is clear, Iíll signal with the hoot of an owl like so.

(Hoots) lf anything happens to me, you alone can save the prisoners.

Au revoir, mon brave.


Good evening. Drop that!

Put up your hands.

You are a clever man to get into my headquarters. How did you do it?

You would be wise to answer my questions.

What is your name?

(Door bursts open)

l vill give you 30 seconds, otherwise l vill shoot.

What is your name?

(Hoots)

Ten seconds to go.

My name is...Henri Le Blanc.

Liar! l have already caught Henri Le Blanc. You are his accomplice -

Pitkin.

We Germans are not such fools as you think.

Kommen Sie, Pitkin. l will personally conduct you to your friends.

Achtung!

l hope you will enjoy your stay.

It will be a short one.

Till the morning.

Henri Le Blanc, here is your collaborator, Pitkin.

That's not Pitkin. You lie!

Stand up!

Admit it, or l will have you flogged.

That's Pitkin. Ha!

Gentlemen, your mission have failed.

Sleep well. For this, you will all pay the penalty.

Gute Nacht.

(Knock on door)

Fraulein Gretchen von Schmetterling.

Ah, gnadiges Fraulein.

Won't you be seated?

Herr General. (Giggles)

You may go, Jogenkraut, und see that we are not disturbed.

Underschtand?

Whatever happens, not disturbed.

(Chuckles gleefully)

Zu Befehl, Herr General.

(Chuckles) Und now...

Mein Liebling, how I have longed for this moment.

Soon ve vill mingle in ecstasy.

It cannot be too soon for me.

But would it not be better to eat first?

Ja.

But afterwards ve mingle?

Oh, ja, afterwards ve mingle.

Mingle.

Mein beautiful butterfly! (Giggles seductively)

(Giggles)

Ever since the night l heard you sing Brunhilde in Berlin, l have been your slave. That was a long while ago.

We have had many...jovial meetings since then, huh?

Oh, ja, so harmonious.

And each time you are so much better than before.

(Laughs)

Then what are we waiting for?

First we drink this. Ah!

To the most beautiful butterfly of the Reich Opera House.

A pfennig for your thoughts, Otto. l was thinking of the coming battle.

With the British. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

With you.

Naughty, naughty boy!

(Crash)

It is bad luck to break a champagne glass.

So? Why?

Because you have nothing to drink from!

No.

Ah! There is always your little shoe.

Oh, naughty boy!

Ah-ah-ah!

Oh! (Shrieks and laughs)

(Screams)

Itís all gone!

(Laughter continues)

You are ready? Ja, l am ready.

Then...shall we?

Why not?

Cor!

( Schubert: Ungeduld from Die Schone Mullerin)

lch schnitt es gern in alle Rinden ein lch grub es gern in jeden Kieselstein lch mocht es sa'n auf jedes frische Beet Mit Kressensamen, der es schnell verrat Auf jeden weiben Zettel mocht ich's schreiben

(Both) Dein ist mein Herz Dein ist mein Herz Und soll es ewig, ewig bleiben Dein ist mein Herz Dein ist mein Herz Und soll es ewig, ewig bleiben

Eins, zwei, drei...

Dein ist mein Herz

(Singing continues, muffled)

(Singing continues)

Dein ist mein Herz Dein.... (Hacking cough)

Ohhh.

(Coughs)

It is a frog, that is all.

Will you excuse me? l will gargle.

Ja. l will zing zolo!

lch schnitt es gern in alle Rinden ein lch grub es gern in jeden Kieselstein lch mocht es sa'n auf jedes frische Beet Mit Kressensamen, der es schnell verrat Auf jeden weiben Zettel mocht ich's schreiben Dein ist mein Herz Dein ist mein...

(Gargles noisily)

Are you all right, Otto?

Ja.

(Lock clicks)

Come! Your little songbird is waiting.

Erm, ja. Ja.

We have the whole night before us. ls that not wunderbar?

Now, you will sing for me.

Ja.

( Plays Ungeduld)

( Sings gibberish)

(Plays note) (Sings tuneless gibberish)

(Stutters, clears throat)

(Sings falteringly)

(Sings tuneful gibberish)

(Tuneless gibberish)

(Sings scale heartily)

Ah.

Donner und Blitzen!

Dein ist mein Herz Dein ist mein Herz Dine is mine hurts!

Und soll es ewig, ewig bleiben Oh, oh, lady, blei blei blei blei-ben...

(Grunts)

(Shouts tunelessly) (Banging on door)

(Grunts)

Hilfe! Wachen!

Hmph! Hilfe!

(Sings gibberish) (Otto) Hilfe!

(Gibberish continues, echoing)

(Singing gibberish)

(Singing continues, echoing) (Tuts)

Hilfe!

(Sings louder) (Banging)

(Singing gibberish) (Banging continues)

(Piano stops, Pitkin yells)

(Coughs and wheezes)

(Coughs) l...Iíve got ze frog in the throat again.

Will you excuse me? Iím gonna have ein gargle.

(Otto) Hilfe!

Was ist das? Erm...

Ein mouse. Eine Maus?

Ja, Iím gonna set ein trap for him.

Or her.

Hilfe!

(Shrieks)

(Banging)

Mein apologies.

Ah. l...l was schtuck in the washroom.

Oh?

Have l been too long?

You have not been long enough.

Oh! Otto!

So! You found the mouse?

Mouse?

It was a frog!

Now mein voice ist gut. You think so?

(Laughs mockingly) What do you mean?

You sing like an old crow!

Old crow? When l was in there you also were singing bad!

WHAT?! You were singing basso!

Oh! l was very worried.

Oh!


All is quiet.


Otto! How dare you!

Let me go! (Muffled shouts)


Achtung!


Achtung! We are ready. Vive la France!

Vive la France. Donner und Blitzen! Schweinehunds!

Er, eins, zwei, drei.

Auf Wiedersehen, meine Herren! (Whispers) Pitkin?

Schweinehund!

Ooh, Iím sorry, Mr. Grimsdale.

Think German! Take me revolver away. Go on, overpower me!

(Screams)

Schnell, die Wachen herkommen!

(Screams)

Stay where you are! Drop your weapons or l kill your general.

Ja, ja!

Now, take off your uniforms.

Allez, vite, vite!

Pitkin, Iíll see that the Mayor gives you an illuminated address.

Itís not worth that, Mr. Grimsdale. Do you know the way, Henri?

Yes, follow me.

Stay where you are, mein butterfly. Otto!

Nein!

Mit mir, schnell! Sofort, Herr General.

(Otto) Verdammt!

Hallo! Hallo! The prisoners have escaped!

One of them is impersonating your beloved General.

'They are spies in league with the Resistance!

'Do not let them escape!' Mach das Tor zu! Pass da auf!

Do not let them escape! Arrest them on sight.

Heil Hitler!

Come on, Mr. Grimsdale.

Miss Cartland, this way.

There's a hole over there where we came in, goes right under the wall.

Where is it, Pitkin? l can't find it now, Mr. Grimsdale.

Quick, down!

Dahin! Schnell!

Achtung! Wache!

Platz da! Out of my way!

Fools! You do not deceive me.

You are not my beloved General!

Idiot! Idiot!

Traitor to the Third Reich! l am your General!

Ja wirklich, was glauben Sie? lf you make another mistake you will all be shot! Understand?

Zu Befehl, Herr General!

That was Schreiber.

Now, be bold. Lead us to the gate and signal the guards to open.

Your courage will not go unrewarded, mon brave. lf we get separated, good luck, Pitkin.

Hope we meet again in London, Miss Cartland.

Yes, l hope so too. Iíll never forget what you've done.

Thank you. Come on, Pitkin, we're in your hands.

Achtung! Der General!

(Man) Herr General.

A telegram from the Fuhrer.

Itís urgent, Herr General.


Ah, so! You are the French spy -

Grimsdale! Iím not Mr. Grimsdale.

Do not answer me back, Schweinehund!

For this you will die.

You will be shot at dawn.

Take him away.

Achtung, stillgestanden!

Prasentiert das Gewehr!

Quer uber!


Bringt den Gefangenen!

Prisoner will remain in step.

Remain in step, prisoner!

Nach links, marsch.

Prisoner, halt!

Prisoner, about turn!

Abtreten.

Have you a last request?

A cigarette, perhaps?

No, thanks.

Iím trying to give it up.

Gewehr! Legt an!

Legt an! Eins, zwei...

Wartet!

Grimsdale! You are too near the wall. It have just been whitewashed.

Move two paces forward!

(Shouting)

Don't let him get away! Kill him! Shoot him! Fools!

(Grunting)

Er, bonjour.

So, gentlemen, the war is over.

Victory is ours and here we are, back at work.

But let us not forget our Mr. Pitkin.

He rescued his comrades and showed courage beyond the call of duty, and was awarded the highest honour this borough can bestow - an illuminated address in a polished walnut casket.

Now he's back with us, helping in the most important task of all - keeping open the arteries of the nation.

Mr. Grimsdale! Mr. Grimsdale!

What's this? Why aren't you at work?

Some soldiers threw my stop sign over the hedge.

Threw your stop sign over the hedge?

Iíll get onto the Mayor at once.

Ohhh.

(Knocking)

Mr. Mayor!

They have done it again.

Cor!

Put me through to the War Office!

Now, listen, you lot!

Iím the mayor and you can't chuck government property over the hedge!

(Drowned out by military band) l was a soldier, l fought with all the best Did they make me a soldier? Not on your manly chest! l wash the China Colonel's car, for his missus Iím a char They'll give me the DCM and bar, sir!

Not on your ruddy life

We're in the army, we wish we'd never been What's it like in the army?

( Tuba parps)

When we're due for civvy street they'll be dreadful kind and sweet They'll give us a lover-ly bumper treat, sir!

Not on your ruddy life!