Ahhh. Here's Mommy. Hi, Mom.
Here we go, far away.
Oh, my. Gonna miss you.
There you are.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Take care, Mrs Eberhart. Be happy. Thank you, Charlie.
Come back and see us.
Bye, kids. See you.
Let me take that.
Take care of him, will you? He's upset.
Now, hang on to him tight so he doesn't jump out the window.
There you are, Mr Eberhart. We're gonna miss you.
Thanks a lot, have a good trip. All right.
Bye. All right, bye.
Terrific job you did up there.
I'm sorry, I thought I checked everything.
I just saw a man carrying a naked lady.
Well, that's why we're moving to Stepford.
Come on, Fred. Come on, Amy.
Come on, Fred. Come on, Fred.
You don't even have to lock the doors in Stepford.
That's really something, isn't it? Yeah.
Mr Eberhart, what's the story with this piece?
Upstairs, in the main bedroom.
Terrific. Turn around, huh?
This guy's gonna kill us today.
We're not allowed to drink anything on the job, lady, except beer.
Come on, Freddie, you want a little water here, huh?
I'm Carol Van Sant.
I just thought this might come in handy. It's a casserole.
That's really very nice of you.
I'm Walter Eberhart.
My wife's just inside. I know she'd like to talk to you.
Oh, no, I know how much fun moving is.
Look, if there's anything else you need, please call.
I just live over there.
Oh, and tell your wife, you keep that as long as you want.
Bye now. Thank you.
She cooks as good as she looks, Ted.
What do you suppose the people are like here?
Friendly. That was a good casserole she cooked.
Why did we move? We both agreed it was best.
I mean, it's best for the kids.
And, well, it's best for you. You know, I mean, you got more space here.
You can make yourself a darkroom. It was time to move.
You know, I got a terrific deal on this house.
And because it's safe, and because I can warm my ass by a real fire.
Those are all terrific reasons.
You ever make it in front of a log fire?
Not with you. Well, it comes with the house.
It's part of the deal.
You go sit in those empty seats.
Now, I also do the notes on 'Newcomer's Column' for The Weekly Chronicle.
You've got the copy I left in the mailbox?
Yes, thank you.
Then you know my style. It's mainly for ladies.
So you just go right ahead and tell me about yourself.
Well, there's nothing much to tell, really.
What does your husband do? He's a lawyer.
Lawyer. Me, I'm a sort of hopeful, would-be, semiprofessional photographer.
What do you think you'll miss most about New York?
Well, I don't know who the guy was, but I'm assuming it was Mr Van Sant.
Well, what time was it? Midmorning, way before noon.
Well, they sure start early in Stepford, don't they?
You mean the guy just walked up behind her, and he put his hands on her boobs?
How did he do it exactly? Was it like this, or was it like...?
You're getting me all soapy. I'm just trying to get the facts straight.
It's my legal mind. Your sexy mind.
Stepford has really done things to you.
I'd like to christen every room in the house before I pay off the mortgage.
Just finish the dishes first. Yeah.
Tell me about your day. Well, I didn't witness any soft-core porno like you, so it's dull by comparison.
But, oh, I did meet some of the other Stepford commuters.
You want coffee? Sanka.
Oh, I haven't gone shopping yet. Oh, regular will be all right.
They seem like a bright bunch of guys.
I mean, they have a nice thing going here.
They were telling me about the Men's Association.
Apparently, it's the thing to join.
It's quite an honour to be invited to join.
Why is it an honour?
Why is it an honour?
Well, because practically every important guy in town's a member, commuters and townies. I mean, everybody, the TV executives, the shrinks, the scientists, the police chief, the fire chief, the head of the hospital, the guy who runs the phone company.
So did they ask you?
Did they ask me? Yes, Walter, am I going crazy?
You keep repeating the questions. Did they ask you?
Well, in a way, yes.
In a way you could refuse, or in a way you had to accept?
Well, they said I had a good chance of getting in, which I felt good about.
I have to admit, though, that there's one rule that I don't much care for, but apparently, it's gonna be changed in, oh, six months or something.
Well, what rule is that?
Well, right now it's strictly men only.
I give up on you.
Well, what's that supposed to mean?
Why don't you ever once just tell me the truth?
You pretend we decide things together, but it's always you, what you want.
You asked me if I wanted to move out here, and I found you'd already been looking at a house.
You asked me if I liked this place, and I found you'd already made a down payment.
Now you're asking me about the lousy Men's Association, and it's quite obvious you've already joined.
Why bother to ask me at all?
I'm gonna put the kids to bed.
Come on, Daddy's waiting. Yes, you may. Come on, Come on.
Ladies, we have specials today on crenshaw melons, English walnuts and avocados. That's in aisle seven.
How much is it? $53.13, please.
Walter, wait, wait. Walter, have you made it out?
Yeah, I just made it out. Why?
Oh, my God. I'm sorry...
You can ring it separately. All right, OK.
OK, Mrs. Sunderson.
Hold it a second, Mrs. Sunderson.
OK, Come on. Watch it!
Hey, what was that?
Oh, shit. Oh, my God, Carol.
I didn't see you. I thought it was clear.
Oh, my God. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Oh, no, it's nothing, really. It's just a surprise.
I'm fine. It's just my head. I... It wasn't my fault.
I... I didn't mean nothing. It was just one of those things, you know.
No, I'm fine.
It wasn't my fault. You know, I didn't see the car coming.
It came right... It wasn't my fault.
It wasn't my fault.
How do you feel, Carol? I'm telling you, I'm fine. I'm really fine.
Isn't that Carol Van Sant?
Well, I think that she had sort of an accident. Come on, now.
Should anyone send for an ambulance?
Get an ambulance down here right away.
We have an accident. In the parking lot.
Get it down here right away. In the parking lot.
What are you talking about? I'm looking at... I can see it right now.
Get it down here right away. Don't give me a hard time.
This is all so silly. I... I'm fine. It's not serious.
What can I do, Carol? Tell me.
Oh, my groceries. I'll take them home for you.
Could you call Larson's Garage? Larson's Garage, of course.
This is all so silly. It's just my head. I... Oh, this is all so silly.
It... It's just my head.
Poor, Carol. She's such a nice person.
Do you think you'd get ambulance service better than this anywhere else?
Two hours you'd wait in New York.
And I bet even in Scarsdale, it'd take 45 minutes. Six minutes or so.
Any of the rest of you wanna have an accident, make sure you do it right here in Stepford.
OK, pull it on out. Six minutes. Can you beat that?
Well, I guess that's the friendliest accident I ever saw.
You know... What?
We may be new here, but isn't Stepford Hospital that way?
Oh, no, no, no, you're wrong. It...
You're not wrong. The ambulance went that way, didn't it?
What is it?
What is it, sweetie?
I think Teddy's gonna cry all night.
Oh, no, look.
He's happy. Lookit. No, that's his unhappy face.
He doesn't like it here. He's gonna be crying all night.
What do you think has upset him? He doesn't like this room.
Oh, yes, he does.
He told me he loves it here.
He loves the quiet.
He's thinking about all the honey he can get out in the trees here.
He told me he liked it even better than Central Park because he can take walks by himself, and he doesn't have to worry about getting lost.
He's really a Stepford bear.
He really knows his way around.
You all right?
It's awfully late.
Everything go OK at the initiation?
It wasn't an initiation. This is not a college fraternity.
They just showed me around the place, and they asked me if I wanted to join. And I said, yes, I did.
Good. Walter, I was worried.
I wake up, it's the middle of the night.
You're sitting here alone, drinking. Why are you sitting here?
Why didn't you come to bed?
I'm coming to bed.
Did anybody say something to upset you?
I'm not upset.
There's nothing to be upset about.
Everything's fine. It's not fine.
I was worried. Walter, I love you, but you expect me to be a mind reader.
I love you.
I really love you.
Do you...? Do you know that?
I really do. And I know I've screwed this whole thing up.
You didn't wanna move here. Look...
I know that, no. I'll get over it.
I've already gotten over it. That's not what I'm talking about.
Do you understand that I really love you?
Let's go to bed.
I feel like I'm getting old.
You're not getting old.
I feel like it.
Are you Joanna Eberhart? Yes.
The Joanna Eberhart?
Avid shutterbug, ex-Gothamite who misses the noise of the naked city?
Hey, boy, am I glad to see you.
Hi, I'm Bobby. Bobby Markowe.
That's upward mobility for Markowitz.
I'm also an ex-Gothamite, who's been living here in Ajax country for just over a month now, and I'm going crazy.
You see, doctor, my problem is that, given complete freedom of choice, I don't wanna squeeze the goddamn Charmin.
Anyway, I saw your name here.
I hope you don't think... Oh, no.
Yeah, it was fantastic, fantastic.
Here you are. Wait a minute, I think you got a headline. Wait a minute.
No. You got a headline on this page.
Here she is. 'Eberhart moves to Stepford.'
I wish they'd use one of my... 'Avid shutterbug.'
I knew you were fantastic, you are.
Have I seen any of your pictures in magazines? I know I must have.
I doubt it. Right? You're terrific.
I know you are. Eber... I don't know, but I think I do know you.
Anyway. No, but I'm glad to have a friend.
Me too. How do you do?
Listen, you wanna go and have something to drink?
I got all this junk here. Got any smokes?
I dropped my best camera on my foot.
Have you really got film in those things?
Oh, yes. I'm the very avid shutterbug.
Yeah, listen, I really... To tell you the truth, ordinarily, I don't pay any attention to that newspaper, because it's full of it, you know. I know.
I saw your name, and it stood out for some reason.
Whatever made you choose Stepford?
Oh, I didn't. Walter did. Oh, yeah, it figures.
Dave brought us here because of land values.
He's best in bed when the market's up.
I think I'll break into Walter's Scotch.
Hey, hey, hey, you know something, I'm gonna like you.
A messy kitchen. It's beautiful. A home away from home.
Oh, my, of course, it doesn't compare to mine.
You haven't got any of those magnificent peanut-butter handprints all over your cabinets yet.
But then, you're new here, and Stepford wasn't ruined in a day.
Hey, you want a Ring Ding? I smuggled it over the border.
What year is it? '59, a collector's item.
It'd be great with Scotch. Yeah.
Two things I always carry: Tampax and Ring Dings.
And I don't even wanna think what that means.
I'll tell you. Thanks.
I can't figure out this burg.
It's like maids have been declared illegal, and the housewife with the neatest place gets Robert Redford for Christmas.
And believe me, if that's the prize, I'd enter, but nobody will tell what the contest rules are.
Not to mention that creepy Men's Association.
Yours too? Every night.
Dave wouldn't miss.
What do you think they do up there? Watch dirty movies and reminisce about the good old days.
What good old days?
Like those good old days when Playboy used the airbrush.
Ring Dings and Scotch, great combination.
We may have started something. I'll drink to that, cheers.
Don't you like it? I don't know which one I like the best.
You're very honest. That's what I like about you. It's awful.
Hey, it's me.
And I'm here, and I'm on the New Projects committee.
Yeah, New Projects.
Well, how would you feel about some of the guys meeting at our house?
Well, like now, tonight. Well, OK.
Yeah, that'd be great. I actually get to see you and some living people.
Give me a few minutes, huh? We'll be along in about 20 minutes.
All right. Bye-bye.
She'd love it. Good.
You're not altogether sure about Stepford yet, are you, Walter?
No, no, that's not true.
I think I am. It's...
It's a big change. You've got to admit that.
A change for the better, Walter.
See, I intend to really fix this place up, you know.
I thought I'd...
...make it into sort of a den-cum-playroom.
Maybe I'll put the pool table right over there.
I thought I'd go to town, you know, really spoil myself.
It'd be great for the kids.
Well, who's talking about the kids? This is a playroom.
They ain't gonna be allowed in.
I like to watch women doing little domestic chores.
You came to the right town.
Who was the one wanted tea?
He's the one who... Stutters.
I'm not good on names.
Why do they call you 'Dis'?
Because I used to work at Disneyland.
No, really. That's really. Don't you believe me?
Why not? You don't look like someone who enjoys making other people happy.
It was on the market for about six months.
No kidding. Six months.
Excuse me, your tea. Thank you.
Oh, you know, I'm really into speech work, words.
Perhaps we might talk about it sometime.
Oh, yes, certainly, absolutely. Let's get you a napkin.
I hope your wife has gotten over the accident.
It was your wife, wasn't it?
Oh, yeah, yes. It was nothing. It looked worse than it was.
I should go and see her. I should've done it before.
She'd like that.
Shall we make a start? Is it all right if Joanna sits in?
Definitely. I'm sure she's got a lot to contribute.
Well, you want me to get you a more comfortable chair, hon?
No, it's OK.
Well, we all know what we're here for, so who's gonna be the first genius?
Well, how about the Christmas toys for the under...? For the poor kids?
For chrissake, Claude, it's only May.
Yeah, well, I guess it's a little early to start thinking about Christmas.
I'm frankly more interested in the overprivileged kids, like my son hated camp. So naturally, Charmaine won't hear of him going back.
What's he gonna do all summer besides drive me batty?
I thought we might try a tag sale here this year.
Oh, sure, put a tag on all of his toys, we'll make a fortune.
That's a good idea.
I mean, everybody's got something around the house that they don't need, and we can help sell it. A barn dance.
Barn dance? A barn dance?
Well, that went out in the '40s. Right.
I think a barn dance would be a good idea. Well, I'd like it anyway.
You're talking about a square dance, aren't you?
Is that what you mean, a square dance?
Hey, hey, wait. Anybody ever heard of a cakewalk?
A cakewalk? Yeah, a cakewalk.
It's a dance. It's a terrific way to raise money.
Cakewalk is not a dance.
It's a thing where all the women bring over cakes, then you draw this circle on the floor. And you've got numbers, and everybody circles...
Now, look, could we just get back to the original subject?
Now, I brought up the possibility of a tag sale.
Do you think we can go through with that or not?
I thought we talked about it.
Well, nobody said whether they really were for or against a tag sale.
Well, he said something about a barn dance.
Do you wanna do a barn dance or a tag sale?
We even suggested the possibility of putting the barn dance and the tag sale together at the same time.
Ted, Ted, wait a minute, wait.
You have a better idea about the town.
I would go for the sale because I think you'd get, like, somebody's garage and you could do that. Whose garage could we use?
And I have to tell you that we've always run the club democratically, and we've...
Claude. We've always...
You are full of crap. It's not my fault, because...
Claude. And I wanna tell you that I'm kind of disgusted about the way you guys are handling yourselves at this meeting. Well, now, wait a minute, Ed.
We're just trying to get some ideas for you.
I think you ought to appoint me chairman, I'll run the whole thing.
If you'd run the whole thing, you're gonna alienate everybody in this town.
If I can't do it, my wife, Charmaine, will.
Excuse me. Let me see if I kind of get the consensus of all this.
You really are more interested in one kind of big event rather than a lot of little ones? Is that fair to say? I mean, is that what you're...?
I mean, a tag sale and all that nonsense is really not appropriate, is it?
You want something big because we have a real need here for some...
Well, you know, I think this has been a very successful meeting. Don't you?
I think we got enough things that we can present to the meeting, you know.
Walter. When is the next meeting?
What? I'm gonna go check on the children.
Excuse me. Yes, yes.
Are you still driving that big Lincoln? Yeah, yeah.
You should have traded it in years ago.
Well, if you drive the way you talk, you're gonna have a lot of accidents, I'll tell you that.
Any...? Anybody else want a nightcap?
Yeah, get me a decent brandy, will you? Instead of this cooking sherry.
In case you're wondering what I've been doing.
You're not the Ike Mazzard are you? I'm afraid so.
Oh, no. Walter, tell him. I'm just awful on names.
You'll have to forgive me.
I used to gawk at all those girls in those magazines.
You blighted my adolescence, you know that.
I thought I blighted your adolescence.
I can't get over this.
Is this for me? Keep it.
Keep it? I'll insure it. Thank you so much.
Here you are, Ike. Thanks.
See what you missed.
Oh. Oh, yeah, it's...
It's... It's very good around the eyes, you...
You've been a long time.
I'm just clearing up some things.
I just can't stand to come down in the morning to a bunch of filthy ashtrays.
What do you think? Nice bunch of guys, huh?
You have to be kidding. You wouldn't have given those bores the time of day back in Manhattan.
I mean, OK.
I was pleased to get this, and he was quite sweet. But the rest...
Well, I don't happen to agree. Walter, you must agree.
My God, they're worse than your senior partners.
New Projects committee. They ought to start by working on themselves.
Well, that's your opinion. Well, of course it's my opinion.
Who else sat there? Where's your sense of humour?
They were dummies.
I mean, take el presidente, that graduate of Disneyland.
Well, he just happens to be a Ph.D. from Berkeley.
He runs a multimillion-dollar corporation.
What do they make, sleeping pills? Look, this isn't me, and what you're saying isn't you.
You're putting me on. No.
Look, this... This is Stepford. It's not New York or...
These are the people we have to live with and... And they suit me.
Yeah, they really are. I gotta go see...
You gonna be around later? Yeah.
Got a drink there? Oh, I'm fine. Thanks.
Yeah. Hey, listen, Marie. You want to go for a swim later? Marie, huh?
Oh, yes. I'd love that, Dale. OK. All right.
Thank you very much. All right.
I haven't forgotten your... Where's my wife?
Where is your wife?
Hi, Walter. Hey, Dis. How are you?
I'm fine. How are you? Good to see you.
Yeah. Hey, good to see you.
Ed is having a hell of a time down there with Bobby.
Give him a hand, will you? OK, sure. We'll go down and give him a hand.
Get some drinks down to the pool right away. Come on.
Over there, there's some kids you can play with.
Can you believe all this?
For a bachelor, old Dis must be quite a catch.
What do you say we go home and change?
Like put on a fancy dress?
How are you? Fine, thank you.
Lovely party. Yes.
Did you get a look at the food?
How about photographing it for a Save the Children poster?
Like Walter says, it's all so dazzling. Why don't I like it?
I mean, I like it. It's perfect. How could you not like it?
I just don't like it. Am I making any sense?
Well, hi, you two. Hi.
You want to come and meet some people?
Why not? We're not proud.
Oh, you haven't got a drink.
I must get you a drink.
All right, who's first here? And a medium well.
Don't use the tongs. No, that's right. Use that, will you?
This is the Wimpiris way. What is that? Is that medium?
That's a medium. This is a rare.
I'll just die if I don't get this recipe.
Want another well...? You want a well-done?
Well, I told you to move them over.
Move them over toward the centre.
I'll just die if I don't get this recipe.
I'll just die if I don't get this recipe.
Take over, will you? OK.
How many of these have you had?
Don't you know you can't handle this stuff?
Don't you remember what this stuff does to you?
I'll just die if I don't get this recipe.
Why the hell do you do this in public?
Come on. We'll just go and get a little coffee.
Well, it was this problem I had, you see. I...
I couldn't handle it. It was out of control.
I guess that's one of the reasons Ted moved us to Stepford. The...
The drinking was getting so bad, and he blamed the city and all its pressures.
And, oh, I knew I shouldn't have touched the stuff.
But I did, and I'm sorry I ruined it all.
You don't have to apologize, Carol. Not to us.
We just felt that it was important that you two understand, you being the newest in Stepford.
We didn't want you getting the wrong opinion.
'We'? Who is 'we'?
Oh, well, Ted, naturally.
And Ike was there, and...
Oh, he's so old and smart that, after I'd sobered up some, we asked him and...
You mean the men made you come and apologize like this?
Oh, no. No, I wanted to, really.
All they did was sort of confirm my feelings.
Well, why don't you come in. Oh, no.
No, I've got to get back. I...
I've seen Charmaine and...
I ought to get back.
If I was forced to apologize every time I got smashed, I'd spend my whole life wandering around saying, 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.'
That is a lady that could use some help.
I told you I...
...messed a little bit with women's lib in New York.
Didn't we all?
I'm not contemplating any Maidenform bonfires, but they could certainly use something around here.
Oh, yeah. You game?
Boy, am I game!
Gee, it sounds like fun.
But I've got three kids, and the oldest is 6.
And that doesn't leave me with a whole lot of extra time.
We really understand, Marie.
And we're not after you to change your whole lifestyle, but doesn't it ever bother you that the most important organisation in Stepford is sexually archaic?
Archaic? Old-fashioned. Out-of-date.
Does it ever bother me? No.
I've never been much of a joiner, I'm afraid.
I guess it's because I've just been so busy, what with baking and all that.
This isn't any kind of a lifelong commitment we're after.
We just want to see if there's any interest for some kind of activities in Stepford. That's all.
Well, there isn't any interest here, Joanna.
I know I shouldn't say this, but I just love my brownies.
I'm sorry. I just can't waste my spare moments on something like that.
But you do go out sometimes, don't you?
Of course I go out.
I'm out now, aren't I?
Which one do you like?
Oh, I don't think either one.
This is who? Cornell.
Husband owns the pharmacy. She works there sometimes.
What I'd give for her chest.
There's this thing they've invented. It's called knocking.
Doesn't interest me. I'm a natural-born barger.
God, I just love that.
Hey. Oh, yes. Yes.
Nobody's ever touched me the way you touch me.
Oh, you're the best, Frank.
Oh, God, are you the best.
Wait. Oh, God.
God, are you the best. Let's go.
You're the king, Frank.
Oh, you're the champion, Frank.
Oh, you're the master!
Is this the right place? Must be.
Last house on Snowflake Lane. You're sure, now?
We don't want to strike out again. 'Oh, God, Frank, I'm sure. I'm sure.'
Wasn't that awful? All your fault too.
I know, but this time, I got us an invitation.
Listen, her name's Charmaine Wimpiris.
And we were buying our kids shoes. And I got to talking, and she said, 'Come on over. It sounds interesting.'
The way we've been bombing out, I consider that a triumph.
She said her court's in the back. OK.
Five-one. Let's change. OK.
God, this is fun.
Oh, that was great. Oh, I haven't played in such a long time. Oh, you're good. You're really good.
I can tell that. You're just out of practice.
Really. Hey, didn't you think she was terrific?
I thought you were terrific.
Oh, well, listen. Play at my place any time you want. I really mean that.
Now, Jenny Fisher used to play. She finked out on me.
The only competition I've got left are two teenage boys with permanent erections.
Send them to my place. Are you kidding?
I'd be lost without them.
Why don't you get her that...
Give you some lessons. I'll give you a lesson.
Thank you. No. Come on, I need the workout.
Thank you, Nettie. Isn't Nettie marvellous?
A German Virgo. Their thing is, you know, to serve.
Oh, that's why we won the war.
Well, girls, I didn't get you here on false pretences, really. I...
I'm interested. I'm no fanatic, but I'm really interested.
Actually, we moved here about two months ago, and Ed joins this Men's Association.
Believe me, I know that it's unfair and sexist, but, frankly, anything that gets him out of the house nights is fine with me.
If we could get a consciousness-raising group going, you'd come?
What? A consciousness-raising session.
A bitching session, you mean. Sure.
Like a shot, I'd come.
You wouldn't believe what Ed tries putting me through.
He has a rubber suit made for me in England.
Well! How about that, sports fans?
What is a rubber suit?
I'm an accent freak.
I'm not sure why. Probably on account of...
I don't know if you've noticed or not, but I stammer.
When you were young, you mean? No, no.
I still do. Just I work extra hard to control it.
I want you to write down every place you've ever lived, from when you were born until now.
And this is just standard vocabulary.
See, just straight through the alphabet.
'A. Aback. Abandon.' Like that.
And this here's easy to operate. Just push the switch and talk into it.
I think I can manage that, but what's this for? Just a lifelong hobby.
Don't touch. See, once I get enough samples, I aim to feed them all into a computer and program it.
What I'll get back is an instant geographical rundown on a person.
I really think it'll be more important than fingerprints in police work.
That's very interesting, Claude, but it's too much work.
We Stepford wives are busy, busy, busy. You know, like your wife.
Is he going to take your fingerprints? No, sweetie.
Just like your wife.
Bobby and I tried to involve her in one of our projects, but she had too much ironing.
Maybe you could convince her.
Kit Sunderson too. If they could find the time for me, I could find it for you.
Isn't this kind of blackmail, Joanna?
It's what made this country great, Claude.
Usually we start out bitching, but maybe if we're lucky, we can get into something more constructive.
Anybody have any questions?
Then we might as well get started.
Who wants to go first?
Talk about anything.
Sex, money, our marriages, anything at all.
Well, how about if I start?
Right, yes, well...
I think there are times when Walter cares more about the law than he does about me, and that can hurt.
I don't think that...
I don't think that Ed ever loved me.
I mean, he married me because I looked right.
It made a big impression on the other TV executives for his wife to look like I look.
God knows he's given me things.
I'm not complaining on that score, but...
He never loved me.
I didn't bake anything yesterday.
Took me so long to get the upstairs floor to shine, I didn't have any time to bake.
Well, you don't have to bake, Kit. There's no law.
Hell, Ed's lucky if I remember to keep him in white bread.
Easy On spray starch.
It must save me half an hour a day, at least.
You'll never run short of time again. I guarantee it.
I've just been tempted so many times to try Easy On.
I'm not trying to be a leader or anything, but we're not supposed to delve quite so specifically into housework.
Easy On's really that good, is it?
Is it that good? Well, if time is your enemy, make friends with Easy On.
That's all I can tell you.
It's so good that if ever I became famous and the Easy On people asked me would I do a commercial, not only would I do it, I'd do it for free.
That's how good it is.
I think I'll take Fred for a walk.
Where is he? Did he get out again? No.
I said I was going to take him for a walk.
You going out?
No, I'm gonna walk him around the bathroom.
You just keep doing whatever you're doing.
I'm very fond of you.
Well, I'm fond of you too.
Freddie. Wanna go for a walk?
Fine, Walter, just fine.
Come on back here now. Don't give me a hard time!
Fred. Come here.
Sorry about that, lady. I really didn't mean to frighten you.
Oh, it's Mrs Eberhart. Yes. And you did frighten me.
Once again, Mrs Eberhart, my apologies.
But this is a pretty quiet town.
Lot of very nice houses, like your own.
People have valuable things. We have to be careful.
You see that old mansion over there?
It's a landmark building. I didn't know that.
Some railroad tycoon built it in 1870.
Before the Men's Association took it over, it was a wreck.
Now the Association's got a restoration committee to try and fix up what was ruined, so we have to be very careful.
We can't let people just walk around at night.
One of the reasons I moved from the city was so I could walk around at night.
Well, certainly, you and Fred can walk around at night.
But I'd stick a little closer to home.
Really, Mrs Eberhart, this isn't the best place for you to wander around.
Thank you. Good night. Good night.
Come on, Ed, let me drive.
You're in no fit state, OK?
Just lie back and relax.
All right. Here we go.
Joanna. Come over here. Come over here.
Hi, dear. That's lovely, honey.
All right, ladies? Got everything you want?
Oh, yes, thanks. Have a good day.
Thanks so much.
I was trying to tell you. Yes, what was that about?
That was Frank. Frank?
The house. Remember? That was Frank.
And that was Mrs Frank.
'God, there, Frank, yes.' Oh, I remember.
I remember. God.
Now, how about that for our Stepford twosome.
Oh, God, yes. Wait a minute. OK.
We're going the wrong way. I have to go this way.
Hi. On the other side.
Have you heard? Just spreading like wildfire.
A black family's moving into town.
Think that's good?
I think it's good. Well, I don't know if I think it's good so much as I think it's natural, considering, well, I mean, after all, we are the most liberal town around.
We have the first Chinese restaurant in Fairfield County.
And we had the first women's club to ask any of those liberation ladies to come lecture.
There are no women's clubs here. There was.
I went to a meeting once.
There must have been 50 of us there.
Well, where the hell are they?
Some of them moved away, but I guess most of them just plain got bored.
I know I did.
There we are. Off you go.
We disbanded, oh, years ago. We weren't accomplishing anything useful.
You mean useful like doing housework?
I like to see my home looking nice.
Look, we found this at the library.
Listen, Carol, it says you were president of that club.
I only took the post because nobody else would.
Please explain to me what you're into.
Is it enough?
Well, enough for me maybe is not enough for you, Joanna, but...
Well, you see, Ted's doing really well in his scientific research now, and I give him a good home.
I really think that helps.
The kids are doing the best they've ever done in school, and I'm here all the time. I...
Well, I know that helps too.
I'm really off the booze, and God knows that's better.
It's none of your business, but our sex life is better too.
Look, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm happy.
You know, maybe we're the crazy ones.
Don't say that. We're not.
You sure? We're fine.
We are fine.
Hi. How'd it go?
What? Oh, well, he hated them.
I must say, I was inclined to agree. I don't know what made me take them.
Did the girls bring Fred over when they came?
Not that I know of.
Oh, shoot. And he has no license, nothing.
Can I leave the kids here a bit while I go look for him?
Sure, I'll go with you.
Dave, will you take care of the kids? OK.
I'll be right back.
All right, Mommy.
We'll find him. Tell me more about what that fink said in the gallery.
Did you see what I saw? Found him?
No, back at Charmaine's.
Oh, my God.
You see, Ed hated tennis, but he never said a word.
All he wanted to do was to please me.
Well, I want to please him now, and, boy, am I ever going to.
You see, we spent this weekend at this beautiful little inn in Vermont.
Just Ed and me, you know, talking things through.
The Park Merrill with some friends, the Fishers, and we had the most terrific time.
I can't get my mind operating.
Besides, I'm just swamped with work.
Work? Oh, yes. I fired Nettie.
Yeah, it was...
It was just the being alone with Ed that did it.
All I ever thought about before was just me.
Well, I'm here to tell you that's all over now.
Ed's always hankered after a heated swimming pool.
And now he's going to get it.
Look, I've been doing a little research, OK?
And a lot of thinking.
And I know what I'm gonna say is gonna sound crazy, but if you laugh at it, I swear to God I'm gonna be sick.
OK, you remember hearing about the Texas tranquilliser?
It was in TIME. I cut it out.
Wait a second. Sit down.
Issue dated October 4th, 1971. '71, right.
It's about why there are almost no murders in El Paso.
See, this scientist has this theory that there's something that comes from the water in El Paso.
It comes from deep wells, and it's got some chemical tranquilliser in it and... Well, read.
Dallas is over two times as big as El Paso, but that year, there were 242 murders in Dallas.
And there were only 13 in El Paso.
Joanna. Joanna, I think that's what's going on in Stepford.
I think there's something in the water that turns us into hausfraus, drones, whatever you want to call it.
Charmaine's changed, Carol Van Sant's changed, and so have all those other women's club members.
Well, I... I suppose it's possible.
It can't all be coincidence.
Look at all those places.
Electronics, computers, aerospace junk.
And labs. Who knows what?
They must all be dumping their chemical garbage in the Stepford River, and it could be making its way to us.
Listen, the 6:00 news scares me every night.
I don't see what's so far-out about my theory.
All right. Why don't we write the state environmental agency and have them check the water in the reservoir.
Governmental agencies. I've worked for them, Joanna.
And I mean, if they're way above average or any good at all, they'll manage to lose a letter if you send it to them.
They teach courses in misfiling at those places.
You know what I think we ought to do?
I think we ought to take a sample of the water ourselves and then get it to a trustworthy chemist.
Trouble is, I don't know anybody except...
...you know, guys at that stinking Men's Association.
I lost my virginity to a trustworthy chemist.
Did he do it on Blue Cross?
His name was Raymond Chandler. Oh, gosh.
And we had a gag, a sort of stupid, private thing going.
I used to ask him why he didn't talk like he wrote.
He wasn't a bit hard-boiled, and he hated any sort of violence. But I kept it going.
Some nights I wouldn't let him touch me until he told me the plot of his next novel.
Which was, of course, The Big Sleep.
Sometimes it nearly drove him crazy.
Isn't it funny the things you do when you're in love?
We were both seniors at NYU, and it wasn't just passion. It was love.
Why didn't you marry him?
I don't know.
Maybe we took the joke too far.
Maybe the fun went out of it.
I thought Walter was going to become Perry Mason.
So it was Farewell, My Lovely.
Did you ever see that?
Anyway, I think if I look in the phone book and this guy is still in New York, then he's our man.
Are you out of your mind? No.
I can't just call him up and say, 'Hi, I used to be Joanna Ingles.
'You deflowered me 12 years ago. Would you check my water?'
Final gas-chromatograph readings will be coming in in a minute or two.
Thank you so much for this. Oh, don't be silly.
Long time. Twelve years.
You married a dentist, wasn't that it?
Yes, very. Good, good.
Are you married? Going on nine years.
And, yes, very.
Here's the report you ordered, Mr Chandler.
Thank you, Elizabeth.
Well, I can say right off the bat that...
...you've got water in your water.
Now, what can I tell you girls?
I mean, I wouldn't want to drink too much of it, but it's water. Can't you be more specific?
Yes, but in order to do that, I'd specifically have to know what it is I'm trying to find.
I mean, there's nothing here. Look at that.
Well, can you go any further in confirming my suspicions?
I'm sorry, about what?
The women in Stepford love housework, and I thought there might be something in the water.
Where did you find her? It's not funny.
No, it isn't.
All right. You're right. Look, that was rude of me.
I can tell you categorically that there's no such thing as a cleaner-compeller.
If there was, I would patent it myself, make a million bucks, win the Nobel Prize and retire.
I guess we're going. I'll see you outside.
I'm sorry. Tell her that. Yes.
Hey, we blew it, didn't we?
I don't know, Raymond.
It's hard to be smart.
I don't care what anybody says.
I'm not going to end up like one of those pan-scrubbers.
I'm getting the hell out of Stepford.
I'll ask Dave tonight, and we'll move.
Hey, hey, hey, you too.
You can't break up a team like us. We're the best thing to happen since Laurel and Hardy. Will you think about it?
And that's that.
I'm finally finished.
When was that?
Walter, would you move?
What? What did I say? I meant move, leave Stepford.
We just got to Stepford.
Hey, are you that unhappy?
Is it everything you expected?
No. No, it's not, but...
...I just didn't want to be the first one to admit it.
You know, I'm the one that wanted to come here in the first place.
You think the men are dull.
Well, I think the women are too.
You're right. I agree with you. That's why I want to move.
Yeah, but the area sure is nice, though, you know.
It's perfect for the kids.
Maybe Norwood or Eastbridge.
OK, let's move.
You mean it? That's all there is to it?
I just had to ask? Shouldn't we fight or something?
Well, I don't want to move tonight, Joanna.
What is it, June already? And I got all this work piled up here. Jesus, I...
OK, I'll tell you what.
Why don't you look around, and we'll figure on moving in August.
That way, the kids can get settled in before school starts.
Hey, these papers are all in sequence, you know.
I mean, you're crushing Mr Ziegler's will.
I'll make you a beneficiary.
I guess Mr Ziegler can wait a little while.
You mean it? We can move? Yeah.
Oh, Walter, you're really sweet.
Girls, I think after four houses, I'm getting to know your taste.
This may be it.
He's an ITT VP transferred to Panama, probably to start a revolution.
There will be at least eight lonely ladies in Eastbridge Centre for a while.
I don't know how he got away with it so close to home.
Oh, my. I'll go in first. You stay here.
They gave me the key, but you never know what you'll walk into.
Thanks. Oh, Mrs Kirgassa, I love you.
Oh, she's fat and lovely. She's got a big mouth, and I love her.
What a treat. When I told Dave we were house hunting, he nearly jumped out of his skin.
He threatened to cancel The Plaza.
What is The Plaza? Oh, I forgot.
I'm supposed to ask you if you will take our kids and the dog so Dave and I can have a weekend, our annual weekend, at The Plaza.
It's to commemorate the time he took a young virgin to the theatre and faked her up to his room.
Hell, I had to lose it sometime.
The coast is clear. Come on, girls. Right.
Anyway, will you do it for me? Do what?
Take care of the kids and the dog for the weekend.
Oh, I know it's just a horrible thing to even think about, isn't it? Forget it.
No. Yes, it is, but OK. You will?
The girls at least will love having the dog.
Ever since dear old Fred departed, they've been after me to get another one. Yes.
I don't know about Walter, though. What do you mean?
Well, you know, Walter hates noise.
I want one! Me!
The dog's under the table, for crying... Hey, there's a dog under the table.
Honey, can I have some more coffee, please?
Dolly is... Dolly's under the table here.
I wish you would...
Can I have some more coffee, please?
How many pancakes are you gonna give...? Yeah, thank you.
Look, I played Monopoly with them. I didn't pass go, I didn't collect.
I played backgammon. I played Scrabble with the goddamn kids.
They're in the kitchen now. What do you want me to do?
Walter, you've had seven years of college. Use your brain.
I'm sorry, but I'm onto something, and I think maybe it's the best I've ever done. And I wanna stick with it.
But how do I amuse them?
I amuse them seven days a week.
They know all the Sesame Street songs.
Have a sing-along. A sing-along.
Mr Atkinson, I've been at these since Saturday, just about nonstop, because I had to get them into some sort of shape for you to see because I think they're an improvement, and you've got to think so too.
I'm doing all the talking, I know, but these are my little girls and those are someone else's, my best friend's little boys.
And you've just got to tell me, am I crazy?
Aren't they good?
Please say something. I don't care.
No, I do care.
Don't say anything bad.
These are really quite good.
You're not saying that because you're frightened I might be a crazy lady?
Clearly, you are a crazy lady, but clearly, again, these are nice.
Wait a minute.
You said 'good'. 'Really quite good', you said.
Good is better than nice.
You're not changing your mind, are you?
No. The results are lovely.
Don't get upset again. Lovely is better than good.
But what fascinates me is, what is it you want from it all?
Do you know?
...someday, someone to look at something and say, 'Hey, that reminds of an Ingles.'
Ingles was my maiden name.
I guess I want to be remembered.
Yeah, don't we all?
It's me. Kitchen.
I've just come from Atkinson's in New York, and he loves my stuff.
Well, not loves, maybe, but he's genuinely interested in my work.
The gallery for photographers.
That's wonderful, Joanna.
If you're going to tell me you don't like this dress, I'm sticking my head right in the oven.
Dave bought it for me for the weekend. He spent a ton on me.
How about the shape?
Padded uplift bra.
It's true what they say in the ads.
Oh, Joanna, Dave turned me loose in Bergdorf's, and I went mad. Bobby.
At The Plaza, some guy tried picking me up in the lobby.
You know how long it's been since that happened?
Of course, I did look terrific.
Bobby, you're not at The Plaza now, so why are you wearing all that makeup?
You never even used to clean your kitchen, much less wear makeup.
Admit it, Joanna, I was a joke.
Dave works hard all day long, and what does he come home to?
A slob. Bobby, it's gotten to you now.
Nothing's got me.
I just want to look like a woman and keep my house looking decent too.
You're just like Charmaine. Will you stop?
And you're not going to leave Stepford either, are you?
Leave Stepford? Good schools, low taxes, clean air?
No. You're right.
Shall I make us a nice pot of coffee? No, no. I've really got to go now.
Stop by any time. I'll be here.
Oh, my God, look out! Watch out!
OK, so you're upset. So you pass a school bus, and you dent the wagon.
Bobby Markowe buys a new bra, and I gotta pay for a new mailbox for the Van Sants.
So what? So, what are you talking about, Joanna?
Why can't you understand? Her kitchen was sparkling.
Yeah, so you said.
Look, I hate to Come on like the heavy, but what's that got to do with you going crazy?
It wasn't just that. It wasn't just anything.
She's changed! And stop telling me I'm crazy.
Are you two fighting?
No. We don't like it when you fight.
Look, we're not fighting. We're just talking. Now, Come on, you guys.
Go on outside, all right?
Oh, boy. This is really terrific.
This is really terrific for them, you know.
Yeah, I remember when my mother and father used to yell at each other.
I didn't want them to go through this. Well, neither do I.
I'm sorry. I said I'm sorry about the car, but I was panicked and upset.
Oh, look. That's no big deal. It's the rest of it that bothers me.
Just try to look at it from my point of view, Joanna.
Walter, I just want to say one thing to you.
Bobby really has changed. Believe me.
Everything in her house looked like a TV commercial.
Well, good. Good. She had to clean it sooner or later.
It looked like a goddamn pigsty.
I mean, when are things gonna start sparkling around here?
That's what I'd like to know.
I mean, just look at the way my kids are dressed. Ragamuffins.
Jeez, I work 80 hours a week.
I live in a great house, and my kids look like they belong on welfare.
Look, if you paid a little more attention to your family and a little less to your goddamn picture-taking... I'm getting the hell out of Stepford.
I'm getting us a house now, and if it's hard on you, tough.
And if it's hard on the kids, I'll ease up on my goddamn picture- taking and stay around the house, and believe me, they'll survive.
That's what I'm talking about, Walter, is surviving.
OK. All right.
I mean, I'll take a loss on this great house if I have to.
But there's one condition, or we don't go anywhere.
You see somebody. You get some help. You see a psychiatrist.
I'm fine. I don't need to see anybody.
Yeah, well, you say you're fine, but me, I'd like another opinion because I'm not too anxious to move to Eastbridge and after four months there, be told by my sweet wife we got to move again because she doesn't like the way her neighbours keep their houses clean.
Look, I'm not asking anything unreasonable, and I don't like asking it.
But you want me to disrupt our lives for the second time in a couple of months on some fixation you've gotten.
Now, that's the unreasonable part.
You've got to see that.
You and me, we don't have to fight about this.
We're going to move.
It's only a few more weeks.
It doesn't have to be anything dramatic.
There's a couple of topnotch guys right here in town.
Just talk to one of them. They'd see you.
But I wouldn't see them.
If I see anybody, I'll find my own.
I'm here at my husband's insistence.
We moved to Stepford with our children, oh, a few months ago.
Before that, we lived in Manhattan.
And now I want to move out.
You see, I have nothing against the general area, but the women in Stepford just seem to be on a different wavelength.
Well, that all seems very straightforward.
And your husband wants you to see me because...?
He feels I'm being irrational.
He says there's no certainty I'd like Eastbridge or someplace like that any better.
And he doesn't want to spend his life moving from one house to another.
Yes, understandable, but Stepford, I know, has a reputation for being unsocial.
So I also understand why you might be unhappy there.
I'd be unhappy there.
Any move is traumatic, and a city-to-suburbs move for a woman with interests other than purely family can seem like a jaunt to Siberia.
What would you think of if I said Westport, Connecticut?
Now you have no reason to know this, but Truro, Massachusetts, is this sort of elephant's graveyard for psychoanalysts.
Perhaps Stepford is heaven for the house-and-garden type.
One person tells another.
Some don't like it and leave. Others that do like it, arrive.
I mean, Westport didn't always have writers.
They didn't breed from an original pair.
Well, I'm not surprised. You're obviously a very bright woman.
What does surprise me is that you have come all this way to talk to me,
and then you don't talk to me.
I think the men are behind it.
All of them.
All of them in the Association.
My husband, everyone.
The women don't...
Can't arrive in Stepford loving housework.
They change once they get there. I think the men make them change.
How would they do that?
I don't know. They...
It's so awful. If I'm wrong, I'm insane.
And if I'm right, it's worse than if I'm wrong.
I don't know what they do exactly.
They draw our pictures, and they tape our voices.
And the women all look neat and pretty.
There's a man. He's a druggist.
He runs the pharmacy.
And he's nothing.
He's nothing, but his wife is just breathtaking.
And once, by mistake, I happened to hear them making love, and she was carrying on incredibly, like he was some kind of God's gift.
And Charmaine changed in four months and ripped up her tennis court.
And Bobby, my best friend, changed in four months, and that's what convinced me.
That's how long I've been in Stepford. Four months.
And I don't know what's going on.
I just know something is wrong, and my time is coming.
You're terribly frightened, aren't you?
Can you sleep?
Well, that's easy. We can take care of that.
We'll see a lot of each other, and you can talk some more.
See, it's unfortunate, but I have to go away for a couple of days.
It's something I can't put off at this short notice, but when I'm back, we'll talk. No.
No, you don't want to talk, or what?
I won't be here when you get back. Don't you see?
It's going to happen before then.
Don't ask me to explain it. I just know.
There will be somebody with my name, and she'll cook and clean like crazy, but she won't take pictures, and she won't be me.
She'll... She'll be like one of those robots in Disneyland.
All right, now listen.
I'll give you a prescription, which you'll have filled.
Then you gather up your children, and you get the hell away.
Don't tell your husband. Don't tell anyone.
Just go wherever you feel safe.
Now, do you have family? They're dead.
Well, just drive and stop someplace, and in a few days, I'll be back on the 10th, you ring me, I'll come to you, and we'll sort this thing out.
Now, how does that sound?
They're not here.
Where are they? I told you, they're not here.
They're with friends. They're fine.
How was your visit? Did she fix you up?
Walter, I'm taking the children away.
Where are they? Are they at Bobby's?
Look. Just... They're fine. I told you.
Look, we don't want you to get upset again.
Now just go on upstairs and lie down.
Don't talk to me like that. I don't want to lie down. I want my children.
Joanna, go upstairs and lie down now!
Don't tell me what to do, you bastard!
Joanna, open this goddamn door!
All right, you just stay in there, then.
You just stay in there.
Cornell call you? Yeah, yeah.
I had some trouble. I don't know, but I think I handled it.
Yeah, yeah. Well, I don't know.
I do not know, but I think it's all right.
She's upset. She's really upset.
She ran upstairs.
Well, she's in the room.
Yeah. I think it's... I think it's all right.
Well, what should I do?
Oh, I'll just...
Why, look at you, for heaven's sakes.
Bobby. Bobby, listen.
You need a fresh-perked cup of coffee.
I don't want any coffee. I just want my children.
Well, they're not here.
Dave's working late, so I shooed my boys off with friends so I could give myself a chance to do some real cleaning.
Who ever told you Kim and Amy were here?
No one. No one, but the night they changed you, I kept your kids.
It just seemed logical to me.
Changed me? What's that mean?
I don't know. I really don't.
Bobby, stop it! Look at me. Say I'm right.
You are different. Your figure's different, your face, what you talk about, all of this is different.
Yes. Yes. This, it's wonderful.
Why don't you change your mind and have a cup.
What does 'archaic' mean?
I don't know. Think. You used to know.
When we went to Marie Axhelm's and she was ironing, she didn't know, but you did. Did I? Well, I forgot.
How do you want it?
It wasn't on the word list, was it? This is a new blend and very mild.
Do you take cream? Look, I bleed.
Oh, that's right. You take it black. When I cut myself, I bleed.
Do you bleed? Why, look at your hand.
No, you look.
How could you do a thing like that?
How could you do a thing like that?
How could you do a thing like that?
When I was just going to give you coffee.
When I was just going to give you coffee.
When I was just going to give you coffee.
I thought we were friends.
I thought we were friends.
I was just going to give you coffee.
I was just going to give you coffee.
I thought we were friends.
I thought we were friends.
I thought we were friends.
How could you do a thing like that?
I thought we were friends.
She must have sneaked out when I was on the telephone.
Listen, Walter. It's gonna be OK.
The phones are jammed, the alarm is out, and the roads are blocked off.
Everybody's out looking for her, so don't panic.
I'll be back, all right?
I want my children!
Where are they?
Where are they? Where are my children? I want them.
Quite a lot of worry you caused everybody.
Poor Walter is very concerned.
Where are my children?
The first time I met you, I knew you were a good mother.
Well, they're quite safe.
Having a lovely evening with Charmaine.
She was thrilled to have them.
What have you got there?
Oh, no. No. No, you're not gonna need that.
It's nothing like that at all. You've got quite the wrong idea.
You've had the wrong idea all the time.
It's nothing like you imagine.
Just another stage.
Think about it like that, and there's nothing to it.
Because we can.
We found a way of doing it, and it's just perfect.
It's perfect for us and perfect for you.
You're a very good subject.
Perhaps the best we've had.
You were brighter than most.
Do you mind if I make a call?
See, think of it the other way around.
Wouldn't you like some perfect stud waiting on you around the house?
Praising you? Servicing you?
Whispering how your sagging flesh was beautiful, no matter how you looked?
Just as I said. Aren't I always right?
Yes, I'll take it from now.
Everybody can go home.
Well, that's all there is.
So why don't we get it over.
You know, you hurried us a little. We weren't quite ready for you, if you want to know the truth.
Hi, Kit. How are you? Hello, Marie Ann.
Linda, what do you want?
I don't want to spend my entire day in the supermarket.
Look, we live in a nice neighbourhood.
This is clean, safe.
Why don't you give it a chance.
Hello, Marie. Hello, Charmaine.
Hi, Carol. Hi, Charmaine.
Hello, Carol. Hi, Pat.
Hi, Bobby. Hello, Carol. How are you?
Oh, I'm fine.
Hello, Bobby. Hello, Joanna. How are you?
Oh, I'm fine. How are you? I'm fine.
How are the children? They're fine.
And yours? Fine, fine.