The Stunt Man (1980) Script

You see that thing?

Jesus Christ!

Damn, that was close.

Look! Buzzard!

Look at that!

Hey!

Jesus! That goddamn crazy bird!

He just tried to kill us.

That's your point of view.

Shall we stop and ask the bird what his was?

Somethin' hit the roof.

So will the chief if we don't grab this guy Cameron.

Hey, Morton.

Is your ass attached to that machine?

You wiggle it, that's gonna make the ball go where you want to, huh?

Here you go, babe.

Put a little fat on ya. I'm gonna get you, Mary.

Don't you ever learn?

Hi, guys. How you doin'? Be right with ya.

...vitamins, minerals and nutrients...

...for a healthy, happy and a big puppy.

Ask Nina Franklin what she does with her puppy.

Whoopsy-daisy!

♪ Dog yummies make you like- ♪

Hey, that's a real beaut.

That's some eagle. Boy, that's like a billboard.

Y-Yeah. Is that order ready?

I just wish the son of a bitch could fly. You know?

You're lucky. Somebody left you a free ball.

Uh-huh.

You got 20,000.

You're gonna win. Win what?

A free game. Terrific.

That's just what I need. One more chance to lose.

All right, Cameron, just hold still.

They're bustin' somebody.

Asshole.

Halt!

Halt, or I'll shoot!

Don't shoot! God, don't shoot!

Halt!

Cameron!

Cameron!

He's over here!

Come on out of there, Cameron!

Hey, you cops! We got him over here!

Get over here!

Stand right there like a good old boy and do what I say.

If you wanna mess with me, you had fair warning.

I was a combat marine in Korea. Okay?

No shit? Yeah!

So was my old man.

Yaaah!

You dumb bastard! You let him get away!

Hey, you stupid bastards! Will you shut up!

He's over here! Goddamn it, he's gettin' away! Get over here!


Thanks. I didn't think you saw me.

Get out of here! Go on, get out!

You son of a bitch, get out!


Go!

♪ Out of nowhere into sight ♪

♪ Out of darkness ♪

♪ Into light ♪

♪ You come runnin' ♪

♪ Pushin' time ♪

♪ Out of reason out of rhyme ♪

♪ It's the pieces of your past ♪

♪ Cling like shadows to your heels ♪

♪ And your heart is learnin' fast ♪

♪ How it feels ♪

♪ And you watch and wonder where you belong ♪

♪ And the crowd, it moves and takes you along ♪

♪ And the colors splash ♪

♪ And rearrange the sky ♪

♪ And reality is yours to deny ♪

♪ And you look for someone your arms could hold ♪

♪ Who will let you tell what begs to be told ♪

♪ And you ask yourself what good are your dreams ♪

♪ In a world where nothing is what it seems ♪ We're losing our light, Chuck! Whenever you're ready!

Come on, stunt guys. Into the pads.

Townsend, move the crane, or the plane'll hit it.

Rod, get up! Candle ready.

All right, that's enough. Come on, clear.

Let's start passing out the boxes. Line up. Who wants distance?

Get down into the water.

You need a bath anyway. Come on.

All right, people, quiet. We're losing the sun. This is a take.

You're welcome to take pictures, but please don't move around while we're rolling.

You'll spoil the shot.

Okay, stand by.

This is a five-camera shot- Cameras A, B, C, D and E.

Scene number 36, take one. Roll!

Background action. Speed.

Markers!

B camera. B camera marker!

"A" mark! Action!


Zoom!

Here he comes again!

Ammo, ammo, ammo!


Medics!

Somebody get the medics!

Cut! That's a print!

Oh, my God!

Come on, come on. Look at him.

Oh, my God, it's Sarah Bernhardt.

It's Oscar time.

Look- Come on.

Put the fake head on it. Hey, Bob!

Knock off the smoke. The shot's over. Beautiful, Chuck.

You gave everybody a heart attack.

Eli'll hate it. He said he wanted the shot in one, right?

Now, watch, he'll do six hours of pickups.

Great, but why do they always use so much blood?

It ruins the realism, don't you think?

Asshole.

Come on. A, B and C camera, over here.

Hey. Hey, you!

Mr. Bailey.

Mr. Bailey. Yes, ma'am?

Are you Raymond Bailey, the actor?

Yes, ma'am.

May I please have your autograph?

Certainly.

Write, "To Emily, for Eternal Peace. "

All right.

I'm certainly glad you're all right.

I lost my husband and my son in the wars.

All right, come on. Come on, everybody back behind the ropes.

Let's clear a helicopter pad down there! Let's go, boys, come on.


What happened on the bridge, Eli?

All the divers found in the car was the fucking camera.

And Burt? No Burt.

All gone.

They're diving downstream, searching the riverbanks.

But... don't say anything to anyone for a while.

Jesus Christ. Oh, yeah.

Jesus Christ.

What do you wanna do? I do not know, Ace.

Telephone my mother... and have her convince me it wasn't my fault.

What in the name of God could have happened?

Jesus Christ.

Aaah!

Hey!

Hey! Give me your hand! Give me your hand!

Here!

It's okay.

I got you. Don't be afraid. It's all right.

It's all right.

It's okay. It's gonna be all right.

Ow!

Jesus!

It's a makeup test.

W- W-Wait a second.

Hold it.

Hold it. Hey.

I know you, don't I?

You're, uh- I've seen you on TV. You're, uh-

Nina Franklin.

They gotta be crazy to cover a face like yours. Only at the end of the film.

Come on. No, no. Rescue me.

What for? Come on. Please?

I've always wanted someone to rescue me from something.

This is just like in the movies.

I am the movies.

Nina!

Nina, why are you scaring me to death?

Oh, hell, Eli, it's all ruined now. I wanted you to see the makeup.

Where were you?

I even got Raymond's autograph, and he didn't even know. You'd have been proud of me.

Chuck? Sir?

Stick her into a tub, then bed.

Then I wish to see her in full makeup and costume again before dinner.

Oh. Hey!

Thank you.

That was really gallant, rescuing an old lady like that.

One moment!

Follow me, boys. We'll set up right here.

I, too, should wish to thank you, and I suggest you don't run away.

What is that, a habit with you?

Also smoke too much.

The bridge.

Yourself and Burt- That was his name- On that bridge.

Would you tell me what happened?

All I know is, he tried to run me down.

Really? Now, why on earth would he do that, I wonder.

Didn't get a chance to ask him. He was comin' at me too fast.

Wanna get home for Thanksgiving, you better figure the guy comin' at you is tryin' to kill you.

Learned that from the gooks. "Gooks"?

That has a nostalgic ring. You really did call them gooks?

I thought that was just Time magazine.

It's 'nam.

If I called 'em wops, nobody would know what I was talking about.

Get this outta here before somebody falls.

All right, Ace, that's it. This time you've had it. Now, where is he?

I'm glad you dropped by. Eli says there's too many people on the beach.

30 minutes is what you got to get this equipment off this beach and out of town!

Where's your sense of humor, Jakey?

Tell cross if your men are on the street after 4:00, I'm gonna throw their ass outta town.

What am I, an asshole? Well-

Talking of jail, would you get very upset if I asked just how many policemen are after you?

Me? I don't know what you're talking about.

The way you ran from the bridge, the look on your face, and your charm bracelet- That's what I'm talking about.

Don't suppose you'd care to tell me what you did.

Not really.

May I try categories?

Ever done any stunt work? Huh?

You're very fit, very fast on your feet. You could do it.

Besides, your choices are a bit limited.

Bullshit! I don't want to hear any more!

You lie, you break promises.

Now, don't be hasty.

And remember your ass. It's just like mine. Maybe I can save them both.

Cross, I've gone out of my way, But this time you really did it.

You don't give a shit about anybody- Jake!

It's been a rotten morning.

You're hot, you're tired.

Let's go inside, have a drink... and find out what's displeasing you.

Don't treat me like these other morons.

You know goddamn well what's "displeasing" me... is that Duesenberg on the bottom of the river with a dead man in it.

That is a public bridge and a public river.

You go there without permits, without precautions, and you get a man killed!

Jake- No!

No more bullshit explanations!

Just get outta here before I figure out how to hang you with a manslaughter charge.

No explanations, Jake. I do not have any.

But maybe he does. Go on, Jake, ask him. Don't blame me!

Why ever not, Burt? Because you're a fraud?

Is that it, Burt?

Because you're just a ridiculous daredevil with a head filled with cement?

Burt here grabs the bread. That's number one The bread. Right, Ace?

Right.

He then screws the shot up. He screws me up, screws you up.

He's a hopeless yo-yo, Jake, but he's not dead yet.

So do me a favor Put your handcuffs on him and heave the son of a bitch into some hole... where he cannot get hurt.

Is that Burt?

How did you get out of the car? He didn't.

He couldn't get out of a paper bag.

The divers took him out of the car and brought him here in the chopper.

Let's go.

You wanna ride in the chopper? We could-

Cross, when these three days are up, I'm going to arm my men with shotguns... and tell them it's open season on any fruit carrying a camera.

You get my drift, Cross?

I love you, Jake!

That's a beaut, Jake.

Listen, I'll tell you what. If we get this stuff-

You did that very well.

Hey, I just listened.

There are a few actors only in the entire world... who've mastered that art.

Anyway, that was a very good audition.

And the part is yours.

What are you talking about? What part?

The stunt man.

What about the people that work for you?

They gonna look at me and go, "Hi, Burt"?

Do you prefer "Hi, Alice"?

Don't worry about the people who work for me, my crew.

They'll call you anything I wish them to.

And I'm not being callous merely.

Burt is a bloody tragedy, but there's nothing I can do about it, nothing.

I must have this location for three days, And you need a place to hide.

Eli, the crew is waiting. We need the next setup.

The hand! Close-up of the hand.

With you in a minute! An Eli minute, or a real minute?

By tomorrow the cops are gonna know exactly what I look like.

Burt, do stop this worrying. You must have heard, surely, of movie magic.

You shall be a stunt man who is an actor, who is a character in a movie, who is an enemy soldier.

Who'll look for you amongst all those?

People like to believe in things, And policemen are just people.

Or so I'm told.

Frankly, our problem is so simple it's almost beneath us.

Now, listen to me.

That door is the looking glass, and inside it is wonderland.

Have faith, Alice.

Close your eyes... and enjoy.

Okay, open your eyes.

Don't touch. It's still wet.

Yeah, that's nice.

Oh, that's just great.

Well, now, what do you think? Huh?

Could be worse.

Could be green.

I think I like it.

Of course you do. Ask anybody. Denise gives great hair.

You got any grass?

Huh? Mm-mmm.

Oh, well, our leading man isn't going to like you.

Why not? You're too good-looking.

His idea of a perfect stunt double is 200 pounds of hamburger in a blond wig.

What's she like? I've seen her on TV.

Selling Douche powder, she's terrific.

But the dog food- I'm not sure she's sincere.

You sore?

So, what are you sore about?

I'm not sore.

Is that what you meant?

Or did you mean, what's the real Nina Franklin like, without the greasepaint and the tinsel, hmm?

What's she really like underneath?

Hmm?

What do you say about a girl who wears things like that? Shy, sensitive?

Hmm?

Oh, you're so wet.

Very wet.

Raymond, the explosion. You saw it.

Now, this is what happens after a bomb has been dropped.

That's bloody carnage.

And here's the bitter bit.

The bomb was dropped on you by a man from your own squadron.

All right?

When you're ready.

Bring in the smoke. Roll the film.

We're rolling. Slate.

Marker!

And... action, Raymond.

And the fingers move.

And then the hand turns...

Aaaaaah!

Aaaah!

Got you this time, didn't I?

Yes, you've got me half an hour behind.

Is he alive down there?

What's the difference? If he's dead, all we gotta do is bury the hand.

I thought we'd cheer the chief up a little today.

You mean about Burt.

Yeah. Any more word?

No, Raymond, I'm afraid not. No, there isn't.

And no picture ever made is worth it.

I'll never understand why these guys take the chances. I don't know.

Probably all we know is that we shall die... of nothing more important than wrinkles.

And it makes us so scared, so crazy, we'll do anything-

Fight wars, fight windmills, go off bridges, anything.

Which is what our film is about. Or did no one tell you that?

Burt!

Come here to me.

Raymond Bailey.

It's a pleasure.

Mine.

My new cock and balls? Not new.

It's fairly important we don't let that circulate for a while.

So in the meantime, let's make believe that he is Burt.

But no longer known as brass-balled Burt.

Ever since his fortunate escape, we'll refer to him as Lucky.

Eli. Uh-huh?

Camera's still rolling. Cut it.

Done any stunt work?

Not really.

"Not really"? You have or you haven't.

I got out of 'nam in one piece. That's a hell of a stunt.

Ancient history.

Seems like yesterday to me.

You, uh-

You think you can jump from that tower to the platform over there?

To save my ass once, I jumped out of a banana tree into a cart full of buffalo shit.

Count? We'll see.

Put these on.

Where do they go?

Under the pants.

You think you can jump from there to there?

From there to there?

Okey-dokey.

Oh! Very good!

Except you're dead. Your brains are scattered all over the pavement.

I mean, you should land in a tuck, and then roll.

Show me, sergeant.

Very fancy.

Very fancy.

Oooh!

Okay? It's better.

My specialty's the broad jump.

And Burt's specialty was drowning.

One daredevil on this picture was enough.

What the hell is Eli thinking, sending me a smart-ass kid when I need a stunt man?

It's different when you're running across those roofs... and they're pumping tracer bullets over your head.

I was runnin' for 26 months with guys shootin' at my head, not over my head.

I'm here. I'm alive.

I knew daredevils, and I ain't got nothin' against 'em. It's just they're all dead.

So how about givin' me a break?

You puttin' me on? Huh?

Me?

I wouldn't know how to do that.

Can you imagine?

Eli's doing a World War I film without horses.

You know the stunts I could do with four runaway horses pulling a caisson?

Next time, hit me higher. What's Eli got against horses? I love horses.

Don't butter me up.

We'll draw a sight line for you to follow down the roof while you're rolling.

Now, it's not very difficult, but this is where you gotta think.

Your mind can't be on snatch.

It's gotta be on grabbing that gutter.

Or my brains are all over the pavement again, right?

A good falling horse makes more money in four minutes than a bank president does in a year.

The picture's not over. Maybe you'll still get your chance.

Marker.

But all they care about is story.

Tsk.

Now, here's where the scuffle ends.

When that drainpipe breaks loose and falls, you'll hit that awning.

Then ol' Eli yells "Cut," and ol' Raymond takes your place for the close-ups and the glory.

That's the scene where the Germans catch him and throw him in a nuthouse.

They're shooting that down there now.

That's gonna hold me? That wouldn't hold water.

It's not a real awning. It's a catcher.

Now, it's no different up here than it is on the ground.

It's the same gag, just a little scarier.

But that's what you get paid for. Yeah?

How much? Ah, stealin' candy with this one.

You get 600 bucks.

Jesus! Christ! Watch it, will ya!

What do you think a stunt man is?

He's a professional.

If the camera jams, you get 600 bucks, and if Eli says do it again, you get another 600.

You're kidding. No, I'm not kidding.

Yeow! Six hundred fuckin' bucks!

Jesus Christ, what a dummy. Yaaaaah!

It's a nightmare!

Six hundred fucking beautiful dollars! Yahoo!

All right, cut!

Cut, cut, cut! Hold it! Hold it, hold it, hold it.

What the hell is going on up there?

Somebody find out who's making all that noise! Oh, shut up, Whitey.

I'm not happy anyway. It ran one minute, three seconds.

Wardrobe, I need a new jacket! Wardrobe!

I don't need hair! Give her the hook.

For Christ's sake, Eli! Time. Money. Time!

Ahh!

Come on, for Christ's- Let's-

Get your ass up there-

What's wrong, Eli?

Wrong? The scene's wrong. That's what's wrong.

The scene plays like a dream.

Plays like Marat/Sade.

It was shit.

Shit? Shit, huh?

Who was that that called me when he first read it, woke me up in the middle of the night raving about the magical madhouse scene?

Who was that? My upstairs maid, Eli?

It's still shit.

I don't need this aggravation.

Problem is, Eli, way back when, when you were all so charged up about making a great big antiwar statement, they wouldn't let you.

Well, now they'll let you, but you haven't got a war.

What you do have, my friend, is a great deal of egg on your face.

Vietnam is long since gone, and it's too damn late.

This film I'm making is not about fighting war, Sam.

Oh? Really?

No, it's about fighting windmills.

You tell him, Eli.

Appalling though it is, war isn't the disease. It's merely one of the symptoms.

The rooms are full, the town is sold out... and I just hired a second crew.

Eli, pray, what is the disease?

Ah, Sam, interesting.

Define the disease, write me a new scene, the egg will drop from my face, and we shall have a relevant screenplay.

Maybe.

Ask him, for he might know. Mightn't you, Lucky?

Tell us, how did you like Vietnam?

How'd you like the plague?

Were you drafted?

No. There you go, Sam.

Another one. He hates war, but he enlisted.

You fought for two years, actually out there for two years killing people.

I didn't kill that many people.

Ah, you're modest, Lucky, and there is no need, for we all dig a little violence.

What was that you said on the beach? About what?

Something about being home for Thanksgiving.

That you, uh, you'd better figure the guy comin' at you is tryin' to kill you?

That's it.

Sam, perhaps that's what our film is about.

Being scared shitless, whistling in the dark, inventing enemies.

Are you finished? No, I'm not finished. Does it-

Everybody wants to take things away from me.

You wanna take my scene, she wants to take my food.

You got another scene. I'll write you another scene. Thank you.

It won't make a goddamn bit of difference.

Studio'll cut 'em all out anyway like they do everything else.

All you're gonna have left is a bunch of swell battle scenes, which they said looked just terrific.

What'd they say about me? I know. Never mind. Take a guess. Turkey.

Yeah.

Well, they won't cut my scenes out. No? What makes you so special?

Because they know that if they touch my film, I'll kill them.

You mean, bang.

Kill 'em just like that.

No, I'll kill them, and then I'll eat them.

That's disgusting.

Waste not, want not.

They call him Eli the terrible.

Sam, this picture is my child.

What would you say if the studio said your daughter Jennifer would look better... with her fingers chopped off?

Well, being an insecure writer, I'd call my agent and get a second opinion.

If you'll excuse me-

Don't go away, Burt. I want you. Jake.

What an unexpected but delightful... shock.

I am not talkin' to you.

I understand you got that film out of the Duesenberg. It's at the lab, Jake.

I am talking to this gentleman. I wanna see that film.

Tell the chief of police it'll be our pleasure as soon as we get it back.

But ask him why. Why?

You can tell your Mr. Cross that this inquiry comes from a source so high, It is not his to question, it is his to do it or else.

Somebody they're looking for may have been on the road when the car went off.

Burt, you see anybody? Uh-uh.

Hey, was your hair always blond?

Yeah. She sprays it every day so I'll look like Raymond.

Would you tell the chief of police that Burt was so busy being brilliant... he wouldn't have noticed sweet Jesus Christ walking across the water.

He wouldn't have noticed.

Has anybody seen this man?

Burt, you have it upside-down. The eyes go on the top.

Couple of telephone linemen saw this guy Cameron headed this way.

Oh. Looks like a fine, clean-cut kid.

I know a lot of angry, weary people who don't happen to think so.

Really. Would you ask the chief of police what it was that this young man has done?

This guy is wanted by every- Give me that!

The minute that film gets here, you give me a call, okay?

How was Jill last night, Jake?

Jake and Jill. Clap, clap, clap.

Enough of this. It's time to go dancin' and partyin'!

All right, as long as you're back in 90 minutes.

But remember, it's a shooting night for some of us.

For those of us who give a shit. I give a shit.


Aah! Raymond!

Oh, you nut.

I bet they're looking for that guy who killed all those campers in-

What are you doing to my foot?

Is this a gift from William S. Hart?

Too many campers. You have to weed them out.

Imagine waiting an hour at a roadblock. You brownies!

We should have waited. It wouldn't have been an hour. She's right!

We should be dancing! I agree, my little kumquat!

What have I done to you? What have I done to you?

My kumquat, my lovely- My rose petal.

What could I possibly have done?


What next?

Gonna rescue the maiden from the tower?

Hi.

It does look pretty high.

Are you worried about tomorrow? Not much.

If there was any real danger, Eli wouldn't let me do it, would he?

Oh, no. I'm sure it's safe.

Okay, you jump.

Uh, okay.

Okay. Come on.

What, right now? Yeah, right now.

Uh- Look, I'm afraid of heights.

I'm gonna freeze up there. I'll give you a push.

That's what friends are for. Uh, I think I hear my mother calling.

Let her call.

Wait!

Oh, no. I don't like it.

This is terrifying. This isn't funny.

You're crazy. You're gonna get killed just like Burt.

It's not that bad. Chuck says it's like taking candy from a baby.

Stop it.

I'm going! I'm- Hey!

What's wrong? It's just dumb.

It's so incredibly dumb to just strut around, trying to talk brave.

You are scared, aren't you?

Not really.

Yes, you are.

You're trembling.

So are you, and you're not even gonna jump.

And hit two!

I could kill the supers, fill from behind... and give you a halo around the tower.

I do not have the time, Gabe. It's only an establishing shot. It's only two seconds on screen.

No, I don't have the time. You have six minutes, Gabe.

I gotta have seven.

Six and a half. Six, forty-five.

Six, thirty-five. Done. Henry.

Children!

We are lighting!

If you have noticed this, you may be of use to us.

Would you stand up and face the sea... so we can see your profile.

Light this, Eli!

Oh, thank you for the tour. It was so informative.

I'm going to write father. He's so interested in God and things like that.

Good evening. Want a lift?

Oh, Christ, Eli.

Palm trees. Yet more palm trees.

Who had the audacity to put palm trees there? They will be in every shot.

And what are palm trees doing on a battlefield in Europe during the First World War?

Answer me that, Nina, the actress so fair, who fancied a man with blond hair.

But Raymond discovers, as he lifts up the covers, that his double, young Lucky, is there.

Eli! Now- Yes?

It's gotten to the point... where I have to check under the stopper in the bathtub when I take a shower... to make sure I have some privacy!

Thank you, one and all, and good night.

Step right up, folks.

Ride the ride of the century on Eli's killer crane.

Get in. I have a present for you.

Thanks. I'll walk.

Ah, youth, hot youth.

In town for six hours only, captures the leading lady. Can't be bad.

Shouldn't be too depressed.

Is it okay to be depressed about you showin' the cops the film?

You don't really trust me, do you?

Come here to me!

You constantly amaze me.

You don't go to movies. What are you, a communist?

What were those handcuffs? Some sort of decoy, disguise?

Did you not know that King Kong the first was just 3'6" tall?

He only came up to Fay Wray's bellybutton.

If god could do the tricks that we can do, he'd be a happy man.

What are you so worried about the police and the film for?

What am I worried about the police for?

Look over here, son.

Look through there.

Lookin' for big, bad Cameron.

This my present? No.

Your present is some advice.

Keep it.

You're wearing that look again, that gleam. It's so hostile.

You're like some sprinter about to set a record for the 60-yard dash.

Is that why all the fuzz are chasing you?

What are you, some sort of sexual freak... dashing across America in spurts with your fly open?

You're close.

What's your advice?

Button your fly and be at the airport on Sunday with the rest of the crew.

You're going to fly with us to where the setting sun bleeds... into a million swimming pools a man can hide in.

You do swim as well as run? I can swim like a fish.

Why are you tryin' to save my ass?

Because you're as crazy as the young man I'm making this film about.

Besides, I've fallen madly in love with the dark side of your nature.

Okay, everybody clear.

Eine korpshere. The rest, over there.

Move! Speed!

And action! Now!

Go!

Aah! Holy Jesus!

Go!


Aaah!

Haah!

Are we off camera? No, we're still-

What the shit's going on here?

It's 10:00 in the morning. Take your toys and go play on the beach!

Oh! Jesus Christ.

What are you doin'?

Turn loose of my legs. That's not the rou-

A piece of cake. Piece of-

Don't stand there. Go!

Go!


Take him alive!


What the hell is going on here? Take a number!

Are you a man yet?

Let go of me! Let go of me! No!


Cut!

You got all that?

You got through the door?

Beautiful!

A lot of balls! Great gag!

What a number that was. Hey, man, you wanna split the adjustment?

I'll need a crab Dolly with a zoom for their close-up.

I'm so proud of you I could just die.

Move half a dozen from up there, strip them.

My hero. Put some light through the stained glass window, Gabe.

The brothel is supposed to be in a bloody church!

Why didn't you tell me about the awning?

I could've been killed. No chance.

You were in your mother's arms from the time you hit that breakaway skylight.

Those stunt men you fell on would've got you out of anything.

Stunt men? The one with the tits, and the other guy.

Raymond! Raymond.

Why didn't you tell me?

Afraid I'd chicken out?

Eli likes things spontaneous. Thinks it makes it look more real.

You're okay. What do you want?

Not to think I'm going crazy.

Has anyone seen Raymond? A.J., how long was that? - Twenty-Seven seconds!

Is Raymond here?

Raymond, did you see that? Were you watching carefully?

What can I say? I'm a brave son of a bitch. We're doing coverage.

Camera here, I fancy. Gabe! Anyone seen Gabe?

I'm around here. How big?

Fifty. Fifty. Uh, Henry!

Don't blind the eagle.

I owe you 600 bucks.

Anything bothered you, I'll be happy to do it again.

Sam!

I can't figure it out. I can't take my eyes off the son of a bitch.

I feel like thankin' him 'cause I fell on my ass.

It's just a crush.

No, you're quite right. A 75.

And, uh, Sam. What does Sam think?

Eli, do you know that when I read the insane asylum scene for my family, my oldest son shook my hand for the first time in his whole life?

So why is it, Eli, why is it that your vulgar little scene... turns out to be so much more moving, so much more impassioned?

I don't know, Sam.

Possibly because we realize that our friend the enemy... may just be a poor, horny slob, like yourself, falling into the nearest whorehouse.

That's possible, is it, Lucky? Tell me.

When the stunt man's tit hit you in the mouth, was it just another tit, or did it taste German?

It tasted lousy. But what do I know?

Why don't you try it, Eli? You're the expert in bad taste.

Ah, sounds like the soldier boy's feelings have been hurt. No, no.

It's just that I don't know nothin' about Germans.

Where I was, we only raped gooks. Is that why you're wanted?

You got it.

Now, gas is illegal on the battlefield.

Bullets, however, are legal on a battlefield, but not legal in the prison system.

Aww! Hey, look at that.

Did you do that, Gabe? Yeah.

That's you. Shh!

Hey! Is that the way it looks in the camera?

Didn't look that way when we shot it.

Shut up, children. I can't think.

How'd they, uh, get the film developed so fast?

What's the matter with you?

Don't let the fact that Eli treats you as an equal go to your head, because you're not.

Oh, Nina, we're trying to watch these wretched dailies.

I'm sorry, Eli.

He can say whatever he wants to, right? That's right.

That's great.

What is going on in that dim little brain of yours?

How dare you open your mouth to him like that.

Have you the vaguest idea what he's trying to say to people with this film?

That man is the kindest, the most dedicated- - Nina!

You can go... now.

Who says things don't change?

Try to get one of our guys to do that in a B-52.

It was a masterpiece. A masterpiece.

Gee, fellas, I liked it. I don't know.

Jesus, Eli, I'm sorry. We'll do it again. Bad, Chuck. Yes.

It's so awful, it's beautiful. I do wish I could use it.

That's all we need.

We need something, Sam, and damn well you know it.

Something better. How better?

Something less boring, something crazier. Mm-hmm.

A dead man's boots are dropped over his own airfield out of chivalry-

That's not crazy enough? They did it in a film called "Wings".

Even the dummy was bored. Please, Eli.

You simply will not accept the fact that we are living on borrowed time.

Borrowed time. We're shaking a finger at them, Sam, and we shouldn't.

If we've anything to say, it's best to slip it in while they're all laughing, crying...

...and jerking off at all the sex and violence.

He should do something outrageous. Like what?

Like... catching an authentic stench of madness... behind all that good, clean fun.

Why did we pick World War I in the first place, the ultimate romantic insanity-

Like what, Eli? I don't know like what!

Like what young Lucky might do were he to be on the wing of that aeroplane.

Picture that, Sam, for it'd be a bloody sight more real than that plastic dummy.

Ah, reality, reality. Is that what you're after?

I thought you wanted something outrageous.

Reality can be pretty outrageous. Think of the lucky young soldier boy there.

Three days ago, what was he? A young turkey scuffling around.

Now he's hurtling off bloody great buildings.

He's zooming through the air, breaking his balls doing stunts he can't have dreamt of.

Tell me, Lucky, what would you do if you were in that airplane and about to die?

I'd probably dance for joy. I might even do a jig.

A jig? Terrific. We'll do it.

A what? A jig.

Eli! All right, a jig's too far. A Charleston.

A Charleston? Yes, a Charleston.

A Charleston on the wing of the aeroplane. A Charleston's ridiculous.

Exactly. A Charleston is silly, Eli. Nobody will believe it.

I shall do it, and they will believe it. You'll get a laugh, Eli.

Only when I want them to laugh. Right, Lucky? A-one, two, three, four.

A- one, two, three, four.

A- one, two, three, four.

A- one, two, three, four.


Plane! Cue the plane!

Get in! Go on!

Come on!

Move your bloody ass!

Go! Go, go!

Fly this bastard! Hurry!

Follow him up! Follow him up!


Bombs away.

And here's some bubble water for you.

Ah-ha! That's the real thing.

Voila!

Like the service?

Whoopee! You want some? Go ahead!

Hey, give me me bottle back.

Come on. Hand it over. I want it back.

Hey, now- Mate, was it something I said or what?

I wish you wouldn't go away mad.

Whoo!

Thank you very much. Hah! Yeah!

♪ Oh, down on the farm in my flying machine ♪

♪ How you gonna keep 'em down on the farm ♪

♪ Oh, tell me how you gonna keep 'em ♪

♪ Down on the farm ♪

♪ After they've seen gay Paris ♪ How is it, Gabe? Fan-fucking-tastic!

What you been feeding that soldier boy, brave pills?

It's not what he eats but what's eating him... that makes it sort of interesting.

♪ How you gonna keep 'em down on the farm ♪

♪ Once they have seen gay Paris- ♪

Uhh!


How is it? Su-fucking-perlative!

Okay.

Level out.

Jesus!

Shit.

Mmm.

Oh. Oh, no.

Mmm.

Oh.

Oh.

That's twice for me today.

Now and when I watched you do your stunt.

Oh!

I set the alarm in case we dozed off.

I have to study my scene for tomorrow.

The old lady at the cemetery.

It's brutal.

Why'd they cast, uh, you as an old lady?

Well, I start out as a young girl.

I'm hiding this American flyer. I'm Austrian.

Will you turn off the clock?

But finally he leaves me with another little patriot in my belly.

Why couldn't I double for both of you?

I don't look half bad. I could use the money.

Honey, you'll ruin it. Take it off.

The clock's electric. It'll ring forever.

Eli might really go for this.

What is the matter with you?

Nothing. Everything's fine.

Mmm.

What are you doing? See, that's Eli... yelling his head off for you to work on your scene.

And that's us saying, "Up yours, Eli. "

I like that.

Would you please leave? I wanna make love to you... while Eli's screaming his head off.

No, I can't make love with the clock ringing.

I'll bet you can.

You tell 'em, Eli!

Eli, what I- I've been thinking.

Why don't you just let the kid go, huh?

Chuck keeps a perfectly good eye on him.

Eli, he's dangerous to have around.

Now, stop playing games, huh?

Just tell Jake you replaced him.

I don't understand you. What are you so hooked on with him?

He helps me to understand the young man in our story.

That's bullshit, you know. True.

Eli, come on. Oh, Sam.

You read in the newspaper of a land mine left over from some war... that from time to time goes off suddenly.

He's like one of those.

You read of a boy in a tower who shoots a dozen students for no reason at all.

His mother says he was such a good son.

Probably I want to know what he really did. Who cares?

I care. Bullshit.

True. Eli, come on.

Eli. Eli!

Hello, Sam. Hiya, Gabe.

Did you bring the tampaxes? Raymond's acting like he's got the curse again.

Bullshit! Ow! Aah, god damn it!

I don't suppose Raymond knows how to drive a Duesenberg.

Eli, come on.

Entry was good. Roof's holding.

Everything seems fine.

Why did he try to run me down?

He didn't even see you, he was so pumped up to make a second run at the bridge.

Look at him struggle, huh? Badly.

Eli won't use a foot of it.

That poor son of a bitch died for nothing.

See, uh, the crack in the windshield?

What about it?

Probably from the impact. That ain't hurtin' anything.

There. Look at that.

He's starting to panic.

Will you, for Christ's sake, tell me why?

That's where it stops.

Fuckin' Henry got spooked and took his finger off the remote button.

Is that the way the, uh, story's supposed to end, with the flyer dying in the water?

Sure as shit ended that way for Burt, didn't it?

The car is parked over there.

The graveyard is here.

Lots of these little graveyards along the roadside, and lots of little, little graves.

Most of the stones are unmarked.

Now, you're a tired girl. Tired.

The rent of that car is a month's pension.

You can't go searching anymore for this bloody tombstone, so you pick one, any one, Eli, uh- And put down the flowers.

An idea, maybe, huh?

Oh! My knees.

Nina, bear with me. I'm not the director.

I'm just the writer.

Eli, what if, instead of the flowers, What if she brought him something more intimate?

Something from their lives together, huh?

Of their sexuality.

Like her nightgown.

Or her undies.

Huh?

I know, I know, they might be rags by now, but, Eli, you see this?

What is it? I know. Take a look at it over here.

No, don't peek. Come on.

Now, this is very authentic.

Early Victorian.

Mechanical bronzes used to be quite a thing, you know.

What do you think?

You'll get a belly laugh, Sam.

What do you mean? What are you talking about?

They'll break their hearts over it.

No, there won't be a dry seat in the house. What, are you crazy?

This is a work of genius here. Frisky little bear, a work of-

Son of a- You did it again, you bastard!

Ah, welcome to the same picture, Sam.

Oh, you terrible bear.

So impatient.

Tearing something so beautiful.

Siguora. Siguora.

This is an unmarked grave. Please, let me escort you to your car.

No, when I'm gone you will take everything away.

No. Yeah, you will.

And I cannot stop you, and it is wrong.

Yeah, I know. I'm ridiculous, huh?

But you laugh without knowing anything.

You would buy a plastic wreath for a man of such-

Please.

From President Wilson.

From the President of the United States.

For heroism... to me...

for sheltering him.

Come on, Denise. Let's not get Eli mad. Hey, don't panic.

He's got that big, emotional scene to do with the dog food lady before he even gets to you.

Well, hello there, guys. Come on, we got a set call in 40 minutes.

You're all probably not even gonna work until midnight. You wait.

Eli will wave his wand and get it out of her in five minutes.

Oh, no, you're confused. He got it into her in five minutes.

To get it out of her, it takes longer.

Uh-oh. Somebody didn't know.

Hey. Hey, Blondie. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean that. I'm a woman scorned. I'd say anything.

This is an unmarked grave. How silly.

I sheltered him to be with him.

He was my beloved.

SigÒora, please.

Oh, god. Cut it.

Ah, shit, Eli.

I could shoot myself.

I know.

Thank you, my baby. Thank you.

Giddyap there, soldier. Last one there is on Medicare.

Where are we rushing to? I was asleep.

Having trouble staying awake?

Stick of gum would you care for? Stick of gum makes you hum.

Do you read? Short words.

Schickel and Bergenstadt, a couple of Dutch comedy writers.

You see, it has pictures. But no skimming now. Chuck will quiz you on it.

If you pass, you win a free trip to Amsterdam and you can stick your finger in a dike.

What the hell is this? A pamphlet on how to get out of a sunken car.

In Holland, you see, they have a problem with canals, so these gentlemen are experts.

Did Burt read this? Offhand, I'd say no. Wouldn't you?

No chance. There you go, rejecting me yet again.

Burt, you are not being reasonable.

Gentlemen... and Jake.

I have exactly two minutes of borrowed time.

I'm in the middle of a scene.

You've met the chief of police, have you, Burt? - Jake? Of course you-

Turn over!

This is Burt, the stunt man, driving that car.

The guy with me is Thompson from the F.B.I.

Jesus! I don't see anybody else on the road.

Did you, Burt? Uh-uh.

My buddy and I saw that fellow Cameron break out of the woods and head that way, Down the road.

I had a clear view. I was on top of the pole.

Mr. Cross, do you mind if we look at this again? Help yourself, gentlemen.

The room is yours, but waiting for me are 60 people who are being paid for doing nothing.

Burt, come on. You have reading to do.

Burt? It's amazing you're still alive, considering who you're working for.

Come on, Burt. We've time to kill you yet.

Did you see that- - Yeah. Why don't we go ahead and run it one more time?

Run it all day. I'm not going anyplace. All right.

Why are you lagging? What is wrong?

Trying to figure it out. Where was I?

How tall is King Kong? Three foot-six?

Good boy. I have versions of all sorts.

Care to go back and see one?

In one version, you fly the helicopter and I'm driving the Duesenberg.

It's a dilly. How 'bout the version where I go over the bridge and drown?

What is this? Why would I want to harm you?

You don't like my tattoo. I think it's beautiful.

I think it heroic.

I think it to be a major work which may rank with Campbell's tomato soup can.

Now, I have a picture to make. Will you take that damn thing and will you read it?

I knew a guy once.

Stepped on a Bouncing Betty booby trap.

Steppin' on it wasn't the problem.

It's when you step off it explodes.

So all he could do was just stand there.

Holy shit!

Fire!

Get him! Get him!


Cut.

Who said cut? I had a film run-out.

Get up. Come on back at it.

How many feet of film are left in that camera, Gabe?

Thirty-three.

Goddamn your fucking eyes. How dare you yell cut on my set?

What the hell, Eli. Thirty-three feet is nothing.

It is 22 seconds, Henry.

In 22 seconds, I could break your fucking spine!

In 22 seconds, I could pinch your head off like a fucking insect... and smear it all over the fucking pavement.

In 22 seconds, I could put 22 bullets inside your ridiculous gut.

What I seem unable to do in 22 seconds... is to keep you from fucking up... my film!

I just can't tell you how pleased I was... when you congratulated me after my scene this afternoon.

All the other glowing tributes just faded to nothing.

Nevertheless, I am cancelling your invitation to an intimate party, given by my parents, to honor me...

...on the occasion of my birthday.

Oh, but don't feel too badly.

As consolation for a lovely evening missed, I am presenting you with the good-sport-of-the-month award.

Tsk, tsk.

Mr. Baum.

Would you please notify this young savage... that it's customary to cover one's privates... when acceptin' an award?

I mean, it's one of the common courtesies, Like congratulatin' people.

What should I congratulate you for?

For the fuckin' scene or for fuckin' the director?

For fucking the director... honey.

Didn't you know that's how little girls get into the movies?


My friend, taking my life in my hands, I must inform you that you are an asshole.

Being a devout masochist, it follows that I am Eli's best friend, And I know quite a lot about him and Nina.

You and the whole fuckin' crew, buddy.

They met three years ago.

Two lonely people rattling around New York.

A brutal winter. Eli's marriage had just broken up.

All she had to do was tell me! That's all, just tell me!

She could have done that in four seconds, kid.

They went to bed once. They were lousy as lovers.

But they had a problem. They liked each other.

They recognized an area of mutual sensitivity.

I'm boring you.

You telling me that he banged her once three years ago?

I'm gonna see if they can put me up in the employee's toilet.

He "banged her" twice to confirm the awful truth.

Was she supposed to be a virgin?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I had a virgin once.

Had to go to Guatemala for it.

She was blind in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami Beach. "

♪ Out of nowhere into sight ♪

♪ Out of darkness into light ♪

♪ You come runnin' pushin' time ♪

♪ Out of reason out of rhyme ♪

Uh, excuse me, but I was sort of invited to a birthday party, and I can't seem to find it.

And this seems to be a birthday party.

A birthday party's a birthday party. Sit down.

♪ And you watch and wonder where you belong ♪

♪ And the crowd, it moves and takes you along ♪

♪ And the colors splash and rearrange the sky ♪

♪ And reality is yours to deny ♪

♪ And you look for someone your arms could hold ♪

♪ Who will let you tell what begs to be told ♪

♪ Then you ask yourself what good are your dreams ♪

♪ In a world where nothing is what it seems ♪

Hey, Lucky. Guess who told 'em to take their job and stuff it?

You quit? Fuckin' a.

But not before splittin' my Schlitz... with the one guy, except me, who wouldn't take any shit off that screwball.

Like me to take it out of this, sir? Change is yours, son.

Except that.

That's a very special dime.

You know what that is?

Uh- It's Eli cross's ass.

I mean, some guys think 'cause you're easygoing, they can walk all over you.

Bullshit. You kill a man and hide from the police? Are you kiddin'?

I'm blowin' the whistle with this dime in that phone.

Who does he think he is?

Hey. What the hell you doing?

Hey, Lucky, what are you doin'?

Come on.

Watch it! That damned maniac tried to strangle me.

You don't believe me.

Want to see marks?

I'm lucky to be alive. I saw the whole damn thing today.

He never even touched you. You're drunk. Don't drive.

Come on, Henry. It's okay. Come on.

Look, not today.

When Burt went in the water.

I could see from up there in the chopper something was wrong, So I stopped shootin'.

This crazy man gets me by the throat and starts hollerin' to roll the film.

I mean, there's a man down there dyin', and he's screamin', "Keep shootin'! Keep shootin'!"

He starts fightin' me for the switch.

It falls down.

It's like a crazy house up there.

And him thrashing around on the floor.

He didn't care about Burt.

All he cared about was gettin' that dying man on film.

Oh, shit.

I better get that cab.

You all right back there? Happy as clams.

She's so beautiful.

Isn't it exciting? I mean, the way they put the whole thing together.

What have you got next for me, A.J.? Scenes 122 to 126, Eli.

Sam should see some of this. We left a line or two of his dialogue in.

All right.

Rolling. Speed. Quiet! Quiet!

Hold it down. Jesus Christ.

How did this slip in? Scene 150, take 1.

I'll go stop it, Eli. It will make things worse.

Hold on. Wet them down.

Makeup, wet 'em down. Sweat.

Oh! Sweat.

Ready? Okay, go ahead. Hold it, hold it.

Okay, go ahead.

Ohh, jeez.

And... action! I'm stopping it, Eli.

It really will make things marginally worse.

Shut up.

Save it. Hold it, hold it, hold it. Hold it, Nina.

Eli, I don't know what's wrong with me. Nina, it's the shame.

I know! A bloody shame, woman.

You've lost your son. You've lost your father.

You want to tear that man's throat out, but you don't.

You stay there meekly, and you burn with the bloody shame of it.

I know, I know. Maybe it's them. I feel like I'm in-

Who? My parents. I feel like I'm in a zoo.

Let me say bye and get them on their way. Maybe it might be okay.

Oh, there's one thing you should know.

It's not important. It's completely unimportant.

There was a screw-up in the dailies. What dailies?

Well, the attic scene, the bare-assed attic scene?

That was shown in dailies. I don't know how it got there and I couldn't stop it.

But your parents-

Now... shame.

Roll film.


Sieg! Sieg! Heil! Heil!

"Open all windows slowly to keep pressure...

...but this? From caving in the roof. "

For Eli to trick them like that?

Why would he do it?

He's not an evil man.

You're right. He's not an evil man.

He's a crazy man.

What?

"The water pressure at 200 feet can crush a man to the size of an egg. "

He wants that on film.

Hmm. So he's gonna kill me.

What are you babbling about?

It's a rotten shame about your folks and your naked ass, but dying always scared me a little, okay?

You're beginning to scare me.

Eli almost strangled a man because he stopped the camera when Burt got killed.

You take the word of some malcontent technician?

I saw the bruises!

And I saw Eli that night when he told Burt's brother on the phone.

I saw the tears.

It doesn't change the fact that the man is crazy.

If he had his way, there wouldn't be a soldier left alive by morning.

But I'm the only soldier he's got on hand.

I don't even know if he knows why he's doing it, but it's a great idea.

I mean, a genuine dumb grunt... cashing in before your very eyes.

The real McCoy.

Kill two birds with one stone.

It's got nice logic to it.

The problem is, both birds are me. Stop it.

I'd die if anything happened to you.

It's my father.

I won't talk to him. You're all driving me crazy. I won't talk to him!

Tell him I'm not here. Tell him I'm at work. Hello.

Yeah, uh-

Sure, Chuck. I'll meet you in an hour.

For me.

Amazing how people keep secrets around here.

What if I said I wasn't gonna do the stunt?

I'd say fine.

What if I said I was gonna leave tonight...

and I wanted you to come with me?

But we have one more day of shooting.

What if I can't wait?

I have two more scenes.

That's a shame.

I can meet you.

Look, don't do the stunt.

You think Eli's a killer, then you just call the police.

I mean, that is all I need right now after what I've been through, for you to give me now-or-never ultimatums and tell me my director's insane.

Will you look at this mother?

I'll bet those guys could build a quarter horse out of a jackass.

Why not? You built a stunt man out of one.

A stunt man?

Three days, and you've already grown those big brass balls.

Jump up and down so I can hear 'em clank.

Then do me a favor- Leave them at home for this gag.

There's just enough room in this car for a normal guy who thinks.

All right. Show me how long you can hold your breath.

Now, look around. What do you see?

No roll bar.

That's because the roof caving in really looks gassy on film.

Your protection is in the back of the seat. It's steel sheeting.

You listening to me? You got good lungs.

There's no shoulder harness 'cause it'd show on film.

So when the car hits the water, you brace yourself against the steering wheel.

It's reinforced. You couldn't break it loose with dynamite.

You gettin' lightheaded yet?

All right, keep your hands off the doors. You're leaving through the window.

You lower them slowly as you sink to equalize the pressure.

What are you waitin' on? I'm not gonna be down there holding your hand.

Slower.

When the car hits the bottom, the windows are gonna be open, and you're gonna make like a minnow.

But first, a little fresh air wouldn't hurt.

You reach under the seat, and what do you know? A regulator.

Don't worry. There'll be one there tomorrow.

You keep your face forward. The camera's behind you, and it's still running.

When the water gets above your nose, you gotta look like you're drowning.

Burt wasn't too good at that. He convinced me.

Raymond's a very good actor, but, darling, the next time you take out the nutcrackers, be a little humane, make sure the poor man has one to spare.

What do you expect me to do, take him into the back room and unzip his fly... every time he flubs a line?

What else can I do for your movie, Eli? Everything's on my back!

When does someone say, "There, there, Eli"?

Which of my many friends and allies? I'm surrounded by them.

And you- "What else can I do for your film, Eli?"

That's not fair. That's not fair!

What's not fair? Having hurt feelings? That's not fair?

I lost you, Nina, to that swell, wholesome, fine-looking kid, that soldier boy... wanted by every policeman, F.B.I. man, sheriff, probably the American army... and possibly the Vietcong for god knows what crime!

Jesus Christ, woman.

Can you not see the man? He's reeking with blood. - You're crazy-

You sound just as crazy- As crazy as who?

He says... that you're trying... to harm him.

Any number of people are trying to harm him.

How'd you know I was down here? The desk clerk.

Hey, how 'bout that for luck, huh?

Burt's from New York.

There's no picture on the license.

Who are you?

Name it.

Who the hell are you?

Somebody trying to stay alive.

Anybody who can get through the dogs and the quicksand.

Who'd Eli say I was?

Jack the Ripper?

Why do they want you? Eli'd tell you.

I did the same as everybody else, just one of the boys.

I shot my M-16 at every sound.

Of course, I didn't know if I was killing gooks or cherries.

New kids from the States, we called them cherries, which they were for maybe 15 minutes.

So after the war, I went home.

I guess I expected something.

Free car wash, double blue chip stamps.

Instead, uh, they looked at me... like I was gonna start killing babies or something.

I was supposed to get married, Run an ice cream parlor.

I gotta go.

Um, wh- What about the roadblocks?

I'll go through the woods.

Well, don't you suppose there'll be cops in the woods?

What the hell? It's a nice night.

I love the woods at night.

It might be such fun that we'd just keep going.

You said "we. "

What about your two scenes?

That's right. You're right.

One of them is, uh, three pages of me making tuna fish salad... for an American flyer in 1917.

And I have to weigh that against losing the man I love.

It's a big decision.

Don't make me crazy, Nina.

I'm sorry. I'm a little crazy myself.

I won't lose you.

And I don't even know who you are.

Why are they after you? What did you do?

What happens to me in the woods?

Am I gonna need a bayonet too?

The charge was, uh, attempted murder.

I bashed this cop's head in.

Caught me breaking in to a store.

No.

Not to rob it, no.

No, I was there to kill the guy who owned it.

Oh, why?

Because it seemed like a good idea to twist his head off!

He said I'd be his partner when I came back.

The lyin' son of a bitch was real sorry things were slack.

Slack, my ass!

He just didn't want me hangin' around 'cause he was bangin' my old lady.

So I went down to his store and started bangin' on his door!

I'm bangin' on his door!

It's 2:00 in the morning. That son of a bitch isn't open. Open up!

Oh, your hand!

Maybe he's screwing her behind the counter.

Huh?

You behind the counter, you bastard?

You know what was behind that counter?

Forty-one different flavors of ice cream.

And all that fuckin' syrup!

And those Mickey Mouse-

Mickey Mouse faces on the wall!

I grabbed this hot fudge pot and I went runnin' across the goddamn room!

Here you are, you motherfuckers! Smashed it-

Right into that shelf full of animals.

It started raining pussycats and monkeys and kangaroo cookies just like Noah's ark.

"How long should a girl wait?" She says.

How long? For-goddamn-ever, bitch!

That's how long! That's how long!

I picked up this vat of ice cream, flavor of the month-

Royal Bavarian chocolate mist-

And I started running with that son of a bitch!

Scoop this up your royal Bavarian strawberry snatch!

Aah!

It's not funny. Oh, baby.

Aah!

Come on. C-

Come here.

We gotta get organized.

No, wait. Let me get up. I gotta go to the bathroom.

I'm gonna have an accident.

Let me go to the bathroom.

No, you'll miss the main part.

Killer Cameron's ghastly crime.

See, I was freaked out of my head, and there was this flashlight that started shining me in the face.

So I grabbed this ice cream bucket and I slopped it... right on that guy's head.

That's not funny, baby.

No, it wasn't him. It was a cop.

Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

I didn't know he was knocked out, so I got out of there.

How the hell did I know he was gonna lay there all night with his head in ice cream?

Oh, my God. He died? No.

No, he went to a hospital. Oh, no.

Yeah. You see, that ice cream is goddamn cold.

His, uh, tip of his nose, it froze.

And his earlobe froze.

It was terrible.

No, it's not funny. His ear froze.

His nose froze, and his tip of his ear froze off.

No! Yes!

And his earlobe- I gotta go!

Listen. It's not funny.

It's a bad year to be messing with cops.

Oh, no! It's too late!

You get the F.B.I. down on your ass. Thanks a lot.

Hey.

If we woke up Eli,

if we woke him up and told him about the ice cream,

do you think he'd forgive me, call off the stunt?

How do you open this damn thing?

Sorry, folks. It's locked.

Yeah, well, we know.

Can you open it for us? Can't.

Not till 7:00. Mr. Cross's orders.

Oh, I'm sure Mr. Cross will understand... when you tell him that Miss Franklin had a sudden desire for Swedish pancakes, and this gentleman had a sudden desire to keep me company.

Pancake house don't open till 8:00.

Well, that's all right. We'll find another place.

Well, y'all'd never make it through the roadblocks. Why not?

Mr. Cross don't want anybody to leave tonight.

Guess he wants everybody to be good and rested for the last day.

No secret that the chief's hoping this is the last day.

Are you telling me... that if I decide to take a drive at any time of the day or night or whenever I damn please, I have to have Mr. Cross's permission?

Mr. Cross does not control me, and he certainly does not control the public roads.

No, but the police do.

I could wake up Mr. Cross if you want me to, but, uh-

No, that's okay. Okay. If you change your mind, ... I'll be around. Sure.

I can't believe it. That son of a bitch knows whatever I'm thinking.

I'm beginning to feel like-

Like something Sam wrote.

I'm not real.

I'm some jerk American flyer from World War I... who's got to go off a bridge and die... because some goddamn script says so.

If they just tore out that page, just ripped it out, you know, I'd-

I'd be fine.

If they crossed it out and-and wrote something else, like, uh, "At the last moment, "he veers the big car from the railing... and goes speeding off to live happily ever after. "

Hey.

How 'bout that?

Huh?

Empty road.

Me out there all alone.

The crew, they're, uh, they're way back.

They're b-breathless... as I, uh, approach the bridge.

And then, uh, then, "Hey! Hey, what happened?"

A fucking rewrite's what happened!

I can have 15 minutes on 'em before they even know they're shootin'...

... a whole goddamn new version! Yes!

Yes!

The love story. What about the love story?

What happens to the Austrian girl?

People will leave the theater feeling awful, unless she goes with him.

How? Oh, baby, how?

Well.

Here. In here.

Right in here.

See?

Yeah. Uh, not bad.

It's just that, you know, I think they made arrangements to meet later.

Like in a bus station. No, see how big it is? And it's comfortable too.

Nina, get out of the trunk.

Hey, Charlie. Nina. Somebody's coming.

I ain't doin' nothing till they-

Nina!


Keep the cars moving up there!

Come on, boys! Keep 'em moving!

Hey, Whitey, what film you working on? Stay with us.

How about over here? Other side of the bridge.

Hey, I think it's a circus.

All right, people. The rest period is over.

Another 15 minutes, and we start losing the light.

Boys, go to work.

Where do you want the Duesenberg?

Let's get the porta-pits off the trucks. - Don't just stand around here.

Start unloading. We're gonna run out of light here in about three hours.

Let's get 'em all unloaded.

Walt, we need your divers out of the limo. Get 'em into their wet suits.

Come on, let's get that equipment off those trucks. Okay, boys, let's go to work.

Driver captain, take all your drivers out of the truck.

I need those reflectors up on this hill.

Come on, let's go. Get 'em rolling, boys.

Get your rifle. Take your position.

Are these things loaded or what?

Head 'em up, move 'em out, boys. Let's get 'em rolling. Hyah!

Everything behind the bridge.

Come on! Hyah!

Come on. Good. Mark it right there. Harry.

Fifty pounds there, front and back.

Air bottle goes right there. Red light right up above so he can see it good.

Warren, are you there?

There's only one battery in there.

You got the tape? - Jack, the camera goes on the right-hand side.

I don't want it to fly in the back of the guy's head. Make sure it's down tight.

Make sure he can see the light. Put it right in front of his eye sight.

Oh, great. We're in good shape.

Let's check it one more time before we go.

Make sure you wipe it clean so it looks nice and pretty. Come on, guys.

Lem, stay home at night, and you'll be able to push.

Get down there and get out of sight.

What about earphones? Just watch your mark.

Mr. Cross, camera crew is ready for a setup.

Where's the chopper?

This is the crooked cross to the lame duck.

If you can find us, we would care for you to join us.

Ten minutes, Eli. We're just warming her up. Over.

All right, everybody.

May I have your 100 percent concentration and attention, please?

Everybody drop what you're doing, stand still... and put your attention up here to the director, please.

That bizarre object over there... is the one and only Duesenberg we have in stock.

When it goes into the river, hopefully we shall not see its like again.

So, once the action starts, no matter what happens, keep film rolling.

We must have this shot.

I, therefore, order that no camera shall jam...

...and no cloud pass before the sun.

I can't do anything without Raymond's wig.

Hello, soldier boy. Where'd you learn to live without sleep?


How you doin', Burt?

Hey, how the hell do you guys get accident insurance?

It must cost you an arm and a leg.

That's a good one, huh? Arm and a leg.

Have a good day, all right?

Bring up another 50 feet of cable, plug it in.

Looking real strong, kid. Is that loose change jingling or are they beginning to grow?

Wanna check? Come look at this truck.

The only reason I'm telling you this, I don't want you to flip out into space when you see these guys.

They're supposed to be shooting at you, and that's what makes you go off into the river.

Hey, you ever get those pancakes?

Hey! They're my boys.

You can't recognize them, right? How could I say no to them?

After all the crap they've taken from your company in the last six weeks.

A cop'll do anything for 50 bucks, even work as an actor.

These guns are kinda modern for World War I.

Those, uh- Those better be blanks.

It don't say so on the box.

No need to look.

There's really no need.

If she loves you, she's still there.

If she doesn't, then it really doesn't matter anyway, does it?

Good luck.

We need you, Lucky.

Get in, will ya?

Look straight ahead. Can you see the red light out of the corner of your eye?

That'll let you know when the film's running, so be sure you don't turn your face to the camera.

Bump it once.

Does it work? Bump it again.

Camera on? Huh? What?

Ask him if it's on. Camera on?

Huh? He says, is the camera on?

What the hell?

Hey, what-

Hey, what- Crazy bastard!

Who cued him? Not me.

What's he doing? It's too soon.

Roll film. Roll film!

Wait a minute. Where you goin'?

Move your asses! I want this shot!

No, not yet, you asshole!

For God's sake, swing that crane!

Get to your markers! Speed.

Hang on, baby!

We're home free!

You okay?

Shoot this, Eli!

Nina!

Nina!

Nina! No!

Nina!

Nina!


There he is! On the beach!

Get him!

All right. Cut!

All right.

Goddamn, my wife always says it's dangerous being a policeman.

You guys are sensational.

A really good job. All right. Come on.

Get the stuff on the truck.

Grab the stuff. Let's go, boys.


You son of a bitch. Take a swig of this.

Come on. Don't be stingy.

They've been there all the time?

Huh? Them.

Been there all the time. Can't hear you.

They're clanking too loud.

All right.

Whoa!

I can't come any further. What should I do?

I'll get the dress all muddy, and I need it for the next scene.

Tuna fish salad. I know.

They-

They found me five minutes after you left. I felt ridiculous.

It's okay. It's okay.

Then Eli told me you changed your mind and decided to do the stunt.

At first I didn't believe him, but I guess you really did, didn't you?

I'm so glad you two made up.

Boy, Lucky, were you wonderful.

I guess I'd better go.

I'll see you after.

I'm sorry I was so nutty last night.

I always get crazy at the end of a film.


Lover boy, I think your circulation's back to normal.

Next time, do me a favor and wait for the cue.

The word is "action. "

How.

I've always had a great compassion for your people.

Long before it was popular to do so, I felt a repugnance for General Custer.

Oh, God. I don't believe it's breathing.

There's some days in which I can't do one thing right.

I hope this doesn't fuck up our relationship, you being alive and all.

Why didn't you just let me go last night?

With Nina in the trunk, and I have scenes to shoot with her?

Okay, this morning.

Chuck could've done that stunt. Mmm.

I know a man who made an antiwar movie.

A good one.

When it was shown in his hometown, army enlistment went up 600 percent.

I'm trying to convince the world, with my movie, there is a reasonable and better way of getting home for Thanksgiving.

And I'm unable to convince one young, tattooed dummy.

Dummy? I couldn't let you go through life bananas, paranoid, thinking I was trying to kill you.

Could I? Paranoid?

Sam. Your screenplay has just become relevant again.

The young man has named the disease. Yeah? What is it?

It's a social disease, quite common.

Like crabs, the clap, or what? Close.

It's got from screwing your fellow man.

Well, I hope you find a, uh, easier cure, because that was the hardest thousand dollars I ever made.

Hello, sexy. Burt, that was fantastic!

You guys want a ride back? May I offer you gentlemen a lift in the chopper?

Think I'll ride with Jake.

It's a lot safer. Probably right.

A thousand dollars? What thousand dollars?

For the stunt.

Stunt pays 650.

No, Chuck said the stunt paid a thousand dollars.

Chuck could have promised you the Nobel prize.

The stunt pays 650.

The stunt pays a thousand dollars.

Chuck told me. You're insulting me again.

Diddems.

Diddems, my ass!

Split the difference. Call it 750.

You always want to split the difference. That's your fuckin' problem, Eli!

Split 'em with all these other fuckin' morons, not with me! I want a thousand dollars.

Sam, I cannot convince one man.

You're cheatin' me. You look at me like I'm some kind of goddamn movie.

Well, I'm not! I'm real, and I almost died!

And I want a thousand dollars for it! Be lucky.

And you're gonna pay me my thousand dollars!

Come back here! Don't you take off, you god-

You son of a bitch!

You bastard! You convinced me!

Try not to miss the aeroplane, Burt.

He'd better not, Eli, and I'm serious.

If I find any of your men within city limits tonight, I'm gonna shoot 'em on sight.

I'll be on that goddamn plane!

Hey, come on back here, you motherfucker!

Come here!

Come on in a little closer!

I'm gettin' sick of being somebody's goddamn clown!

How tall is King Kong?

Three foot-six, and that's what you're gonna be if you don't pay me my thousand dollars!

Give me my money! Pink smoke!

Come on over here with your pink fuckin' smoke!

Do try and not miss the plane, Burt.

Clown!


Sam, rewrite the opening reel!

Crush the little bastard in the first act!